Hours slipped away since the boat docked at a secluded part of the island before retreating back to Marley leaving me officially on my own, camped near a bonfire. No one is speaking. In fact, we've all been quiet ever since the boat set sail. Even Marcel, who, typically, is talkative, seems to be preoccupied with his thoughts.
The flickering flames cast shadows over everyone's faces. Annie is sitting across from me and stares into the fire while Bertholt, placed himself a little apart from the group, his gaze entrenched on the dark outline of the forest surrounding us, but I don't think much of it. It's not like isolation is out of character for him.
It is almost comforting, in a way, how some things remain constant even in a world swirling with change.
"So," I decide to cut through the silence. "Is everyone excited?"
It's not that I couldn't read the room. I read it well enough to know giving a motivational speech to these kids isn't going to cut it so I might as well try and get a reaction out of them. It has the intended effect as Reiner brings his knees to his chest. "You're so shit at motivational talks", he mumbles.
I raise an eyebrow, "Who taught you how to speak like that?"
"I've been around Annie too much," he replies only to earn himself a nudge from her.
The comforting crackle of the firewood softens into a faint whisper. It's clear that the fire is starting to give out. It'd be a problem if we lost the only light enabling us to perceive any incoming threat.
"I'll go get some branches," I announce, pushing myself up before adding. "And Marcel, you stay here." Just as expected, I turn around to find him prepared to follow me.
"Why not? It's dangerous out there! What if you encounter a titan?"
"Then, I'll fight it," I reply in a monotone manner knowing well enough my odds against one without any weapon are low.
Marcel isn't stupid, "You're lying. You don't stand a chance against a titan using hand-to-hand combat. I'd be able to save you instantly if I turn and-"
"I said no," my tone is firmer. Having him by my side would indeed keep me out of harm's way, but without any light, god knows what direction these monsters could surge from to swallow him up alive. It's too much of a risk. "My job is to keep you safe. All of you. If I die, the mission goes on. I can't say the same if I were to lose any of you. So, cheer up and get that frown off your face. A long day is coming ahead. If I'm not back within 30 minutes, move out."
They were looking up at me offering no response.
"Do I make myself clear?"
They reluctantly nod.
Stepping into the inky blackness of the night, their gazes weigh heavily on my back. The cool air is a sharp contrast to the warmth of the fire I'd just left. My feet crunch softly on the forest floor, my eyes adjusting to the darkness, scanning for any sign of movement.
If I were to die right here, right now, would the mission still be considered a success? I glance up to see Wall Maria looming ahead. I was close enough for them to be capable of fulfilling their duty, with or without my help.
I rub my temple. I should be more optimistic. That's always been the example I wanted to set for those kids. Yet, my mind regularly circles back to the topic of death. I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment I became so cynical. Maybe it was that conversation with Zeke.
Or it stretches further back to the day I was thrust into a world that hated my race so much. No one ever cared whether I lived or died. Now, ironically, there's a semblance of value placed on me, though not for who I am as a person, but rather for what I can do for them. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I'll never know.
My arms move with swiftness, rapidly amassing a considerable heap of branches. I stoop to nab one last limb, anticipating the warmth it'll provide through the night and I pause. A chill snakes down my spine. That's when I see it - a giant footprint, etched deeply into the soft earth.
I freeze. This can't be real.
Did it pass by me?
Slowly, my eyes ascend from the soil, and sprawled in front of me is a chain of these, each consistent in their immensity, leading off to-
A scream slices through the air. Reiner.
The cluster of branches I'd diligently collected tumble to the ground in an instant. Adrenaline thunders in my veins as I break into a frenzied sprint.
They're alive. They're alive. They're alive.
The number of times I repeat that out loud just to stop myself from going into cardiac arrest is astounding.
They're alive. They're alive.
Through a maze of roots and rocks, I violently shove tree branches away as they reach out like gnarled hands, snagging at my clothes and scratching at my skin. Every so often, a branch whips across my face, leaving stinging welts in its wake, but I hardly notice. My focus is singular - get back to my team.
They're alive.
I dodge low-hanging limbs and leap over fallen logs, some twigs and leaves snap under my weight when I push through with sheer force.
My surroundings begin to lapse into a sparse forest as I close in on the camp; each tree revealing tantalizing snippets of what awaits ahead.
I'm greeted by nothing except the rustling of the wind. It's deserted.
Frantically, I search the area. Their belongings are still strewn around, barely illuminated by the smoldering remains of the fire. No bodies are lying around, so it is promising, right?
My focus narrows. Amidst the jumbled maze of titan trails, another set of footprints captures my attention - smaller, unmistakably human. I crouch down, scrutinizing them more intently. They're fresh, sharp-edged and unweathered. They ran. They're alive.
There's no room for relief until I've laid eyes on them, safe and sound. I follow the trail and with each step, I realize I'm going in a zigzag. A clear evidence that they panicked.
After what feels like an eternity, the trail suddenly veers towards a clearing. My eyes scan the area, searching, hoping. And then I see them.
Reiner is there – Annie locked firmly in his grip. A little way off stands Bertholdt; eyes wide and at a loss for how to intervene. This isn't the first time I've witnessed a fight among the warriors. It's typically put at a stop by Marcel's intervention.
Marcel. Where is he?
Reiner stares at me, his features barely recognizable beneath the mask of blood that coats his face.
And then, the realization dawns on my face.
"It should've been me, not him!" He cries out. "If only he hadn't pushed me out of the way, he'd still be alive. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been chosen for this-"
Reiner continues on a rant about not understanding Marcel's decision, whilst repeating rushed apologies midway about being worthless. Or something like that. My brain isn't processing any of his complaints. They swirl around me before entering one ear and slipping out the other.
Marcel offered to follow me to collect branches, a regrettable action. I said no. If he came with me, he'd still be alive at the moment. A simple choice, made in a fleeting moment, now echoes with the gravity of an irreversible loss. If only I had said yes, if only Marcel had been by my side, he might still be breathing, still be with us all. But Reiner would be dead.
For a moment, I forget to breathe until I realize that, as a leader, the luxury of dwelling isn't reserved for me. Strength of will is demanded - I make a decision, I stand firm on it regardless of the outcome. I couldn't falter in front of them.
Surmounting my own inner battle, I approach them slowly accepting that Marcel wasn't going to come and defuse the situation. Not this time. "Reiner, release her," I say in his place.
"It's not your fault. It's mine. I ordered you all to stay put. It was the wrong decision." My voice lacks its usual fire. His grip loosens up on her to bury his head in his hands. They are just kids.
Annie, now free, rubs her sore neck, her eyes glaring daggers at Reiner.
I lack the energy to probe what triggered the fight. Wall Maria is tantalizingly close; within reach in just an hour. "Let's get moving."
The command incites an incensed reaction from Annie. "You must be joking. You want to push forward with this mission after the fucking disaster we just witnessed?"
"Annie please-", Bertolt begins but I silence him with a raised palm and continue to hold Annie under my scrutiny. "What would you have us do instead? Go back to Marley, empty-handed?"
"It's better than risking my life for a lost cause. I need to get back! Someone is waiting for me," she snaps desperately.
"We all do. You're not special." I shoot back, keeping my voice calm. "Do you really think they'll spare you? Or any of you for that matter?" My gaze sweeps across each face. "No matter how skilled you are, the military isn't so forgiving when it comes down to their titan shifters. Not only are we missing the Founder, we just lost the jaw. Retreating now is a direct invitation for you to become a Titan's meal."
Despite sympathizing with her, we have to face the reality of our predicament.
"There is no choice but for us to move forward," I swallow. "Destroy that wall. And regardless of what happens, the weight of your actions will fall on me. That being said, I order you to fulfill your duty to the bitter end."
I'll bear the burden so they don't have to.
They look at each other and then at me. A wordless agreement is forged among us regarding what had to be done. And just like that, the plan resumes its course.
I rehearsed it so many times that I'm moving on autopilot as each person falls into position. I nod as a signal for Reiner to draw blood using his teeth. Expectedly, his body contorts and expands into his titan form, causing the earth beneath us to tremble. I brace myself for step two as his hand is gently brought down to scoot me up in his massive palm.
Then comes step three. I spectate from the relative safety of Reiner's hand. There's a moment, a split second of stillness that feels like the calm before a storm before being countered with a force that sends shockwaves through the air, Bertolt transforms. Despite the shield Reiner's armor provides, the vibrations of the blast can still be felt. He certainly lives up to his name. A god of destruction.
I turn, following an instinctual pull. My gaze is drawn to the distance, where amidst a chaotic ballet of sparks and embers, another transformation occurs. Shortly after, with a sound that seems to tear the very air apart, Annie lets out a thunderous roar. Or more like a call.
And the recipients quickly pick it up as gigantic shadows stir in the distance. They're coming.
Bertolt is now perched on the edge of Wall Maria. There's no doubt whoever's on the other side can capture his sight. His silhouette is terrifying.
The final phase is engaged when with a deliberate grace that belies his massive size, he lifts his foot. It's a slow, almost surreal motion, each second stretching out as the inevitability of what's to come looms larger. Then, with a seismic force, his foot collides with Wall Maria.
A breach yawns open.
The dust billowing up obscures my vision. But I hear screams.
I've reached the point of no return.