Febuwhump Day Twenty Four: Alt #2 I Love You
Plot: Many things changed since losing Crosshair. Including their... species. If that's what it can be called. Hunter thought they'd be fine, but he didn't realize when Tech said they'd have a "telepathic connection" that they can all now read each other's minds.
Author's Note: I'm sure some people have missed our vampire AUs. :')
~ Amina Gila
He doesn't want to do this anymore. He can't do this anymore, actually, and he's so, so tired of trying to pretend he can.
He's so tired. Tired of moving. Of breathing. Of living.
Crosshair's gone. He's – he's gone, and Hunter failed him and now they have to make it through in the aftermath.
He wishes he didn't have to. Wishes – something was different somehow. Doesn't want to have to keep pretending everything's fine when it's not. Tech is so dark and cold now, and Echo's so angry and Wrecker's so depressed and Omega's so distant.
They might've made it through the whole being-turned-into-vampire thing on a mission gone very, very badly wrong, but it just feels like another failure. Another thing he couldn't protect them from. He should have. Maybe this should've happened before Kamino. He could have – have helped Crosshair then. Maybe.
As if Crosshair would even have let them help. He wouldn't've. He – he didn't matter. Never did.
And Hunter is so, so terrified of something else happening to Omega. Of something happening to her, period – she's their kid, their center, their world, their – she's their everything, and he doesn't know how any of them would survive it if she was hurt or killed or if she – if she left them like Crosshair did, because he failed, and she wasn't enough.
He had to spend half of today trying to get Echo and Tech away from verbally murdering each other. He doesn't have the energy to do this anymore. He just – he's so tired. Wrecker fed on him earlier, and that was the only few minutes of reprieve he's had since – since before they even left Kamino in the first place.
But right now, Hunter's so, so tired of giving. He's tired of being, of breathing, of every single thing that being alive comes with.
Omega is so... distant now. He knows she – she should get to live her own life, but things have changed, and it feels like...
Like he's not important anymore. Like he's nothing. Like – Force he doesn't want to do this anymore. With their bonds, he can... feel them in his mind. It's weird, but he can feel their darkness, their depression, the way they don't want to move any more than he does.
Wrecker doesn't want to move on. He feels lost, and he's afraid to try.
Tech knows they have to, but he's reluctant.
Echo is just... angry. He feels empty, and he's falling deeper and deeper into a never-ending pit of rage where all he wants to do is hurt the Empire, and Hunter is terrified to know where that's going to lead him.
And Omega is... restless.
She doesn't feel satisfied here, and that hurts. They try so much for her. He doesn't know what more he could even do. Just – just he needs her, and they all do, and what are they supposed to do when they fail her like they did Crosshair, when – when something happens, and she's gone?
Hunter inhales shakily, trying to keep his breathing quiet. Even if he's crying. Even if he's not sure if they can hear him now, and he just – he's so tired.
Crying once everyone else is sleeping is just something he's – done. For years. Since they were little. Maybe his whole life. He's done it since he was little because there was never any other time unless he could lock himself in the 'fresher when he needed to just – just think.
He doesn't want to do this anymore.
He's curled up on the Marauder's floor because there's only a couple racks and Wrecker needs to sleep on one, and it's Echo's turn on the other. Both of them have... issues sleeping. Wrecker's easily disturbed, and Echo... has issues through and through. Besides, Hunter doesn't mind the floor. It'd be nicer if it looked like somebody cleaned it sometime in the last five months, though.
He used to sleep by Crosshair sometimes. Many times. It was – easier for both of them but now he's gone. He walked away, and he's not – he's not coming back. Hunter is terrified of him coming back. He wants to see him again, to – to fix this, but Crosshair made his choice and Hunter can't bring him back. He already tried. They all did.
There's nothing he can do.
He wishes he could stop living in perpetual fear of his own little brother.
Like there's something Crosshair could even do against them now.
Doesn't mean Hunter is going to fight him again. Fighting the Empire would mean choosing to fight Crosshair, and he can't do that. He can't. He's still – their brother. He's still him, no matter what he's become. No matter what he is.
"Hunter?" Omega's quiet voice whispers.
Hunter freezes. He'd been so distracted, he hadn't even noticed it when she got up. Hunter shifts, wiping his eyes in what he really, really hopes is discrete, because he isn't going to let her see him crying. That's – the last thing they need is for them to know how weak he really is. He can't let them doubt him. That's not something – he can deal with.
"Yeah, kid?" he asks, voice surprisingly steady.
She still smells like flowers, bright and vibrant, and it makes him think of something yellow and slightly sweet, even if it's now tinged with something vaguely metallic. He can hear the soft beating of her heart, feel the flickering of her heartbeat, even if it's drowned out by the electric system of the ship itself.
"Is – is something wrong?" Omega inquires. She looks worried, and Hunter feels the flickering of her heart. She's not angry or scared, though her heartbeat is a little faster than normal. Anxious. He feels it in her mind. Tries to pull back and shield his own mind – not to block her out, but it feels wrong, and he's still getting used to it.
Hunter doesn't know how to react to her question, either. There is and there never couldn't be, but he's never had a conversation with someone about himself before. Not in a long time, anyways. "No," he replies, "Why?" That's a lie. A blatant lie and it reminds him so, so much of –
"Or are you going to keep lying to us?" Crosshair's voice snarls in his mind, icy and furious.
Of where everything started falling.
"I heard you," she answers, and she sounds dejected. Sort of... strangely hurt. He doesn't know why. "I didn't want you to be alone."
Hunter stares at her. He can't help it – her statement just throws him, and he feels so lost and confused. No one has said that to him since... Maybe ever. That's just not something that happens. "I'm fine," he replies automatically. This is Omega, and she's not supposed to be worried about him. Hunter has no idea how to deal with the fact that she is. He feels lost. Confused. No one does that.
"No, you're not!" she objects, sitting down beside him, arms crossed and glaring. "I can feel it, Hunter."
"It doesn't really matter."
"Yes, it does!" she whisper-yells.
Hunter flinches. Omega's never yelled at him before. She never yells. Except at him, apparently, because he's just – he's always the one who manages to make people run out of patience. Did with Crosshair, too.
He wipes his eyes on his hand again, trying to blink away the wetness. The aching in his heart is growing even sharper. He wants to cry. Wants to be left alone long enough to clear his head. To get back up and keep moving.
A very, very long time ago, he would've talked to Crosshair about it. Back then, he would have known how to talk to him, but not anymore. He's not who he used to be.
"I'll be fine," he answers. He can't look at her.
"Did something happen?" Omega inquires quietly.
Hunter shakes his head. Tilts his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. She can probably see him clearly enough, but she already has and he's so, so tired. Doesn't want to talk to her about the chest-crushing depression that's been smothering him ever since they left Crosshair. Since Crosshair left them. He has no idea how to – this is Omega, and he doesn't talk to her about those things. "Just tired."
She leans her head on his arm.
He doesn't know how she even noticed. How she was able to see through him so clearly when his brothers never do, or at least never talk about it. Doesn't know how Omega of all people was the one to bring it up when she's the one he needs to protect most. She's the one who can't protect herself.
(He doesn't want to do this. He's so tired.)
"Are you sure?" she whispers, "Because it doesn't really feel like it."
He sighs again. "I'm used to it. It doesn't matter."
"Hunter," Omega says, "I know things... changed, but I wanna help."
That can't be right. It can't be because no one wants to help him. No one ever has. It's always been Hunter's role to protect everyone else. No one ever takes care of him. That's a fantasy, a dream, and he knows it's never going to happen. It's – it's not fine, but Hunter understands and accepts it. He isn't angry at anyone for it. He just – wishes it didn't have to be like this.
Hunter has wanted to hear that from Echo, from Tech, from anyone, but the truth is always the same. There's no one.
There never has been.
So, no, he's not going to accept that Omega really is worried about trying to help him. It's not that he doesn't believe her, but he just can't... believe she really means it.
He used to think Crosshair did.
That comes with a very, very familiar chest-crushing pain that settles in every time he thinks of his little brother. Crosshair's gone now and Hunter will never be able to let go of that. He can't forget how he's...
Crosshair had tried to help him once. He used to, but now he's gone, and he's the one who hurt them the most. Trying to... live has been impossible ever since.
No, you don't, Hunter wants to tell her. He didn't. I wasn't worth it to him, either. He won't say that though, because it's too emotional. Doesn't stop the tears from burning his eyes again. Doesn't stop how his throat tightens with emotion demanding to be released.
Omega's hand tightens a bit on his shoulder, and she stands, pulling him into a hug. It's weird – not unwanted, but definitely weird. Hunter leans into it, trying to think of something other than how stupidly childish he's being.
He's nine now, and he'll be ten soon, and he shouldn't be seeking comfort from Omega of all people in the galaxy. She's the one who needs him to protect her, but here he is, because he can't ever do anything right.
One of her hands lifts to his hair, tugging his head down to rest on her shoulder. Hunter closes his eyes, trying to even his breathing and why does he want to cry it's insane he's not that little anymore, but he can't get his brain to cooperate for anything else.
Omega's hands are small and gentle. They're warm and soft – not nearly as callused as his brothers'. They're her, and Hunter sighs softly, trying to let himself just feel. She's small and warm, and her flowery scent flows outwards, blurring out everything else. The flickering of her heartbeat pulses outwards, and Hunter leans into it.
There's always so much to feel when he holds someone.
When he feels, there's enough to feel that it washes everything else out, and he can let go. It helps, but no one's really done that since – since Crosshair. Wrecker might sometimes, but he's not nearly as persistently snuggly as Crosshair used to be.
Hunter misses him.
He won't even try to deny it, but he's just as terrified of seeing him again. It's – it's ridiculous.
He'd do anything to get to see Crosshair again, to hold him like this.
And there's nothing he's more afraid of than that.
"Why do you feel so lost?" Omega asks, pulling back, her eyes wide and wet. "So... empty?"
Hunter has no idea how to answer that question. He's never thought of how to put it into words. "Things have changed," he sighs, "Since... the war. Some changes you never really get used to."
Omega's eyes widen a bit. Hunter thinks she realized something, and he doesn't know that he likes what. "We're not going anywhere," she promises, "You don't hafta do this alone. I love you, Hunter." Omega takes a shuddering breath. "We all do."
He feels... overwhelmed. Way over his head. "Thank you," Hunter whispers finally, "I – I love you, too." He's never said that before. It feels weird.
Omega smiles, distantly hurt and somehow still wistful, but she hugs him again. In his mind, she feels... maybe a little more reassured and content. He tries to grasp onto that – it's the only thing that matters.
"We don't just follow you because we respect you," she tells him, eyes searching his, though he doesn't understand what she's saying. "You're our brother. We love you. We don't need another reason."
Maybe someday, Hunter thinks, he'll understand that, but that won't be now. It warms his heart all the same, though.
"Can I bite you?" she asks into his neck.
He lets out a half laugh. "Yeah, if you want." Maybe that'll help, anyway – it's relaxing while it lasts.
Omega perks up instantly, and he holds her close as Omega leans closer, sinking her fangs into his skin. It feels right. He feels – whole here. At least, for once, he's doing what he's supposed to, even if that doesn't make any of the constant depression drowning him go away.
He thinks it helps, though.
Maybe.
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