Chapter 5: The Show Goes On

When Lily woke up in Sev's body, she felt worse than she ever had before. The height, the way her weight distributed over her body, and the stubble on her face all grated on the witch in a wizard's body.

What were once minor inconveniences in an adventure now felt like a slick coating of motor oil that she could never properly wash off.

For her entire morning of classes, the students were exceptionally rowdy in their excitement over the news splashed across the Daily Prophet.

"The Boy-Who-Lived, that's what they're calling Harry Potter. Can you imagine, You-Know-Who brought down by an infant? Makes you wonder why some were ever afraid of him."

Lily-as-Professor-Snape snapped at them and assigned detentions.

She noted, Even as children too young to be afraid, they still won't speak Voldemort's name. That took only the barest edge off of the child's foolish and hurtful words.

All day, she could see that magical Britain was keen to celebrate, which was intolerable in the face of Lily's grief.

When her lessons were over for the day, she collapsed into her desk chair. Then, she stood up. Lily sought solace, and somehow that idea led her to Number 4, Privet Drive.

She was then confronted with a truly upsetting thought. She feared that Petunia would slam the door in Sev's face before Lily got a chance to explain why she was there.

Lily used the most obvious solution: she pretended to be someone else. She drank a little polyjuice potion with a stolen hair from a neighbor, then strode up to her sister's front door.

"Hello, Petunia," Lily-as-Sev-as-Mrs.-White greeted warmly when her sister opened the door. "Can I come in for a moment?"

Once the door closed behind her and she saw that Vernon wasn't around, Lily said, "I apologize for the deception. However, I have some news that you should know. Your sister and her husband…" Lily found herself unexpectedly choked up.

Petunia's face slid from confusion to something harder to read. "Who are you really, if not my neighbor?"

She had a baby on her hip that Lily tried her best to ignore. Her sister wouldn't like it if her childhood enemy, Sev, touched her child.

"Severus Snape." Lily took a calming breath. "Your sister and her husband were murdered last night by an evil wizard."

Petunia's eyes immediately filled with tears. "I'll go… go… go put the kettle on. You can sit where you like." Petunia took her child with her.

She didn't return for several minutes, and she didn't bring any tea. Lily didn't comment on either.

Petunia asked, "Didn't she have a son, around my Dudley's age? What happened to him?"

"He's alive and well, from what I hear."

Petunia nodded stiffly. "Do you know about any funeral arrangements… from your sort of people?"

"I do not." Lily bit her lip before saying, "Did you know that there's a war on, in the magical world?"

"Lily said as much when she cast some spells on the house, but we haven't heard of any trouble ourselves." Lily had actually done a questionable sort of ritual with her own blood, but that was of little consequence to this conversation. That protection probably died with "Lily", but it wasn't like Petunia needed it anymore.

Lily-as-Sev explained why she didn't expect a proper funeral for herself or her husband. "Your sister's death, or her son's survival depending on who you ask, may have brought that war to a close, or at least a pause. Most people are celebrating in the streets, caught up in that victory rather than in the tragedy that gave it to them."

Petunia frowned with a quivering lip. "That's not right."

Lily's borrowed eyes prickled. "You and I know that. That might have to be enough."

They sat in a calm silence punctuated only by baby Dudley's gurgling.

Lily said, "I must be off." She wanted to leave before her polyjuice potion stopped working and she no longer fit in her transfigured clothes.

Petunia said earnestly, "Thank you for coming."

Lily's sense of dread rose the more she thought about her and Harry's current situation.

Obviously, Lily wanted to find Harry. She was certainly clever enough to do it, no question. But she was stuck on what she would do once she had him.

On the most practical level: "Severus Snape" had very little money, so she would need to work. Continuing on at the school was obviously the easiest, yet she couldn't very well hide a baby (especially that particular baby) under the headmaster's nose, even if she could figure out some way to take care of him while she taught.

And, Dumbledore was a formidable wizard. Lily would be lucky to maintain the ruse of her identity without making an enemy of the man. Lily would be of no use to Harry if she were in Azkaban for the Dark Magic of the body swap. (Really great idea, Sev, Lily thought sarcastically.)

Lily thought about people who might be willing to help her — except that she had to either trust them enough to tell them about the swap, or they actually had to be willing to help Severus Snape.

Lily's parents were dead, Petunia hated Lily's guts, Sev was dead, James was dead, Mary was dead…

Lily sent a letter signed by Severus Snape to Remus, the only person in her previous life that was both alive and possibly well. But her owl returned with the letter unopened.

Sev's "friends" were detestable.

Again, she was back to Dumbledore. Not only was she already employed by him, she was already a double-spy for him against Voldemort.

Everything was more complicated whenever Lily thought about Voldemort.

Lily truly believed that Voldemort was still out there, given her weak (but not gone) magical connection to the evil wizard via the Dark Mark.

Remembering Sev's prediction that Voldemort would continue to hunt Harry, Lily was so very afraid for Harry's future. The thought of Voldemort confronting Harry while he a child made violently Lily ill. Or maybe it was all of Sev's wine.

Even if Lily weren't dependent on Dumbledore for her income and she could manage the powerful wizard, it seemed shortsighted to pick a fight with the leader of Voldemort's opposition.

Dumbledore already knew that he was still alive, which put him ahead of the average idiot. (Lily had read some absolute rubbish about how 'innocence can always defeat evil' in the Daily Prophet.)

Dumbledore had said that Harry was growing up "out of the spotlight." That phrase echoed over in over in Lily's mind.

Lily's son was now famous. If Lily had properly lived, she wouldn't have been able to take him to a shop without being mobbed. She assumed that the fervor would die down after a year or two, but she couldn't imagine that strangers wouldn't hear "Harry Potter" and not know of him. That would be a lot for a child to bear.

Lily thought about what James would say to that: Of course my son is the best!

Oh no. Oh no no no. No son of mine would go through life with an ego somehow even bigger than his father!

Dumbledore did say that he sent her son away from his fame. That was starting to sound ever so slightly better to Lily's ears than when he first said it.

It improved in her opinion even more when she realized that she would have to raise Harry without James. Not only was he the light of her life, but she needed his tender kindness so her son would grow up to be a better person than she was.

Lily's kindness always had the aftertaste of an imitation, because she usually had to think (and overthink) to do the "right thing." Being mean was her default. She needed James' moderating influence so she didn't screw up.

It was another dagger in Lily's heart to realize that Sev was also a moderating parent-like influence. He wouldn't let Lily say an unkind word about Harry's dirty face or swear thoughtlessly around the baby. "Be nice to this wonderful boy. He'll learn your tone and words eventually."

Lily needed someone to tell her when she was making mistakes. She couldn't do this alone, yet she couldn't find a solution to that.

Lily was still frantically thinking about how to live with baby Harry when she heard about the attack on the Longbottoms.

Alice and Frank are such lovely people, and… it's not looking good for them.

That attack was a harsh reminder that Voldemort's followers still were all around. Monsters went after baby Neville, and her Harry wasn't safe either.

And, some people would want to keep Harry safe from Severus Snape, known Death Eater. His name came up at Igor Karkaroff's trial. Dumbledore had vouched for Lily-as-Snape, so she might not even go to trial.

Dammit! Dumbledore's name came up again and again in her musings. Lily couldn't defy the man who was literally keeping her out of prison!

Harry stayed wherever he was, without Lily.

Still, Lily frequently wondered what Harry was doing. She hoped that every smile, every giggle, every new word, every step he took was cherished in his new home.

It was harder and harder to get out of bed each morning after giving up on finding Harry.

The pain of losing James was also ever-present. Their time together had been so brutally short. She couldn't believe how much she'd wasted it.

Lily couldn't remember what her last words to James had been.

A part of their relationship that drove Lily to despair was the question of if he would forgive her for the deception of letting Sev take her place. With hindsight, she could see in sharp clarity how she had been cruel in their still-new marriage.

Even when she thought that James might forgive her, Lily knew that she would never deserve it.

One of the trickiest things about her grief was that some of it was actually anger. James put his family's safety in the hands of an unworthy friend. Furthermore, Sev tried to save him and failed. Why couldn't James let Sev save him? Why did they both choose to leave me?

Lily taught Severus Snape's classes with as much grace as she could, which turned out to be almost none. She was lucky not to be fired, but Dumbledore never even brought it up.

One month after Halloween, Lily heard from a student who read it in the Prophet that there was to be a memorial in Godric's Hallow for her little family.

A few weeks later, Lily confiscated a copy of the paper from a student to see the result. She hated it.

Her face looked so angelic, when she was actually a monster.

Her baby looked happy and James looked so determined, which were accurate and heart-wrenching depictions.

Sev, the true hero of that horrible day, was totally absent.

Lily resolved to never seek the memorial out. She didn't need that kind of saccharine bullshit in her life, or whatever it was that she was living.

But after that, Lily read the Daily Prophet cover to cover every day just in case some sliver of real information about her son was inside. The silence on the topic of his actual well-being was almost unbearable as the casual and enthusiastic mentions in numerous articles, each one dagger to her heart.

She read each instance of phrases like "as wondrous as the Boy-Who-Lived" multiple times, in case some hidden meaning was encoded there.

For winter break, Lily decided to head back to Sev's house. Being alone was preferable to being forced to express any sort of holiday cheer by staying at the castle.

It hurt more than she expected to again see Sev's childhood home. She missed her best friend dearly, despite her complex feelings in the face of his life-sacrificing, life-altering deception.

In Sev's muggle mailbox, she found a letter from Petunia postmarked over a month ago. She immediately felt guilt, having not even considered the possibility that her sister would write.

To Sev,

Life has been very hard since you dropped by, but I'm glad you did anyway.

I was wondering if you had any thoughts about an epitaph for Lily and her husband's gravestone.

She went on to list a few different Bible quotes. Lily liked "The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death." It had sort of an odd tone for a grave, and it was somewhat ironic for someone who wasn't properly dead.

Lily also hoped that if her son ever read it, it would help him treasure his own life. Some people thought that death was natural, and perhaps it was. Yet it still was an enemy: awful, terrible, horrible, and the worst.

Lily penned a reply which included: "I hope that this response isn't too late. If it is, I'm sure that whatever you chose is adequate."

She mailed her response back "the normal way" — by muggle post. The little reminder of how much Petunia valued not standing out helped steel Lily's resolve to not visit Petunia again.

Once the shock wore off, Petunia probably only felt vaguely sad about her estranged sister's passing anyway.

Lily's decision was further justified when she thought about how much talking to Petunia could remind Lily of what she lost by giving up her own identity.

Instead of making her way back to Private Drive, Lily read through all of the notes visited all of the memories that Sev had left her.

She paid particular attention to a piece of dark magic called a horcrux. If this is what Voldemort did, the object could be a real challenge to find.

The lies and pain and truth Sev left for Lily made her predictably miserable. What was worse: Sev made constant references to his implied expectation that Lily would continue to protect Harry. That made Lily alternately despondent and angry. Don't you understand?! I can't help him right now!

But Lily already knew of a future solution to this problem. Dumbledore had wanted Lily-as-Snape to help Harry when he was older.

Lily's path forward was clear: she would be best (and uniquely) placed to help Harry if she continued Severus Snape's role and served as a double-spy between Voldemort and Dumbledore.

Well, when she considered that she was really on Harry's side above all, that actually made her a triple spy.

It would require more discipline than any role she'd ever played.

However, Lily had an opportunity to do it, and do it well.

In her unmanageable grief alone that Christmas, Lily resolved to do as Dumbledore asked.

Lily occasionally communicated with the headmaster and other staff at Hogwarts using a patronus messenger. When she first learned the charm while in the Order, hers took the shape of some sort of sea bird.

After Halloween 1981, she alternately evoked a crow or a doe, depending on if she focused on memories of James or Sev. Both patronuses tapped into her emotions on an intense level, which made both sights painful. Yet, Lily couldn't form her seabird anymore, despite many attempts.

To maintain the idea that she allowed Dumbledore to think, Lily decided to use her doe patronus exclusively. She was also grateful for the piece of James to hold onto.

She already had the image and life of Severus, the traitor.

Sev had been a shit friend, enacting this scheme without telling her. His trick had worked, yes. But the magic wasn't designed for this! The longer she had his form, the harder it would be for her to know where she ended and Sev began.

If he were there, she could imagine him telling her, Make yourself at home in my life. No one knows me but you anyway. No one will miss the real me. Not only was that impossibly sad, like losing him all over again. But also, it was easier said than done.

She used Occlumency-like magic to push his thought patterns and reactions away, but it wasn't a restful life. After a few years, she stopped properly trying.

One reason for her weakness: she knew that she also been a bad friend to Sev as well, getting him a job he hated without his permission so that he would be safe. 'Turnabout is fair play' doesn't begin to cover what we did to each other.

Dumbledore dangled the carrot that Lily would get to help her own son more and more each year. While she never got the impression that he knew her true identity, the old man clearly knew leverage when he saw it.

He used it to get Lily-as-Snape to serve as Slytherin head of house. "You'll need the position to protect Harry from the children of Voldemort's followers."

The old man also wanted Snape to stay in touch with his fellow Death Eaters. "Reach out to Lucius Malfoy and develop a connection with him. He may very well be the greatest threat to Harry, after Voldemort."

He even got Snape to take a seminar on how to be a quidditch referee. "You never know, my dear boy."

Lily-as-Snape did everything the old man asked.

By Snape's third year of teaching, he had so many responsibilities that he hardly had any time to himself.

Because Lily could only think about her past when she was totally alone, details started to slip away from her. More importantly, Lily's ability to describe her mistakes faded without regular repetition.

The mistake she remembered and tried to act on onto the longest: her and Sev's frighteningly casual use of the dark magic body swap. Well, that and other more minor forms of the magic.

Lily didn't think that the dark arts was all bad or off-limits to sensible people. But she had a renewed appreciation for the horrors and costs of dark magic. I didn't take it seriously enough, and I'm now suffering for it.

As a way to atone for that mistake, Lily wanted to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts.

The parts of the curriculum about the arts themselves were lacking. She wouldn't want to scare the children, obviously. But they needed to know how alluring they could be, and not just in an abstract way.

Potions was always more of Sev's passion, anyway. And teaching it was a nightmare! Over a dozen cauldrons boiling away and surrounded by careless students could easily become a disaster.

Whereas Defense… Lily fought Voldemort himself and lived. In her own battles, she used a wide range of sometimes-obscure spells and techniques that made her an asset to the Order and the war.

Lily wouldn't share those techniques with the children of the current peace. They hopefully wouldn't need them anytime soon.

No, Lily would teach only socially acceptable magics, like she had taught her own classmates. Even if I could only share a little bit of what I know and what I've learned with these students, I would be so… content.

The headmaster denied Lily-as-Snape's application for Defense professor year after year. Instead, she watched a steady stream of increasingly incompetent professors fill the post.

Lily-as-Snape was incredibly frustrated to be refused the chance to atone for her past. It also felt like a rejection of the small piece of herself that the position would let her show.

Instead, Snape was stuck teaching Potions. Sev had not enjoyed being a professor, and Lily felt like she had to continue to play that part as the years passed.

Lily-as-Snape increasingly relied on selective memories and observation to maintain the proper emotional state for her performance.

Snape focused on his anger with the loud, lazy, lying students.

If Lily ever felt care or weakness slipping through her mask, it set off intense anxiety that she would be found out.

She was an impostor, through Dark Arts use no less. She again thought about how she wouldn't be able to help Harry if she were in Azkaban.

This emotional feedback loop created a vicious cycle that made Lily miserable.

But it also worked, to a point.

Occasionally there would be a moment where Lily-as-Snape knew that she was too harsh, taking her 'dungeon bat' act too far. In those difficult moments, she tried to dull her edge using the warmth and kindness of Mary McDonald. Yet her late friend's voice had grown faint, particularly when she channeled it through Severus Snape's thoughts and feelings.

The last time that Lily-as-Snape failed to hear even a whisper of her friend within her mind was approximately around the time when Lily started to use her best-and-worst friend's name for herself.

Severus Snape was thus totally immersed in his role.

A/N: That concludes this story. Thank you for reading! Writing this character's perspective was an interesting challenge.

Please consider continuing on to my other, much longer story set in this same Lily-as-Snape AU: The Doe in Snape's Skin.

That story builds on some of the themes/questions hinted at here: What does true friendship look like? When can good friends be bad for us? When is it okay to pretend to be something you're not? How important are our ideas about ourselves? How important is truth?

The Doe in Snape's Skin is a time-travel redo from Harry, Ron, and Hermione's perspectives and covers their second, third, and fourth year at Hogwarts. Ron is strategic! Hermione is vicious! Petunia makes friends… It's got way too much going on and is a bit weird, but I'm proud of it anyway. I hope you check it out next :)