Hey, guys! I'm sorry for the late upload, but I couldn't quite figure out where I wanted this chapter to go, so it took me a while to sort everything out and write it.

I just want to preface this chapter by saying I mean absolutely no offense to any religions or people affiliated with them. Everything you read in this chapter is content that I did research on and used stories found from real-life experiences. I didn't exaggerate or make anything up, and definitely didn't have the intention of targeting religious groups or people.

Anywho, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! I always love reading what you guys have to say so feel free to leave a review! :)

It feels like I've been sitting on the roof for weeks, but it's probably only been an hour or so. All the thoughts running through my head make time feel like seconds are turning into minutes.

Sitting on a small concrete ledge that holds some type of metal box, I keep replaying the night over and over again in my head. The guilt's absolutely eating me up inside.

I can't believe I lost control like that, especially in front of Brittany. What if something had happened? What if I hurt someone? Granted, the only person I wanted to hurt at that moment was Quinn, but I didn't want to hurt her physically. I just wanted her to leave me alone about responding to the signal.

Taking a deep breath, I lay back on the concrete with my arm moving behind to support my head. I look up at the dark sky, counting the endless number of stars above.

A few minutes later I hear the door to the roof open and close quietly and close my eyes, already knowing who's come to give me a piece of her mind.

"Tina, I get that I fucked up again, but can it wait til morning? I don't want to do this right now."

I don't hear anything in response except for small steps being taken in my direction.

"Not Tina," I hear a shy voice say from a few feet away, causing my eyes to snap open and turn to look at the owner.

Brittany's standing there with her arms behind her back and looking at the ground like she's unsure of herself.

"Hey, Britt," I say almost inaudibly as I sit up and softly pat the space next to me, inviting her to sit down.

She hesitates for a second before slowly moving forward to sit beside me.

"Hi." She's gently fiddling with her hands in her lap.

Neither of us speaks after that, and for the first time since I've met her, the silence isn't comfortable. I can tell that both of us have things to say, but neither of us wants to start it.

I mean, I assume she wants to tell me something. She came out here for a reason, right?

Deciding that I can't handle the awkward tension anymore, I open my mouth to start the inevitable conversation.

"I'm sorry," I say after taking a deep breath. I keep my gaze still on the other buildings surrounding us, but I can feel Brittany's eyes on me as the words leave my lips.

"Me too."

I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion as I ponder what she could possibly be apologizing for. She's not the one that just put her life in danger.

"For what?" I slowly turn my head to look at her.

She averts her gaze from my face back down to her hands in her lap. "For not being there…for not knowing something was wrong." I shake my head, still not understanding. "I knew something was different with you since you came back…I could feel it. I saw you get - taken," She pauses after the word and swallows, "And I knew something wasn't right. I just didn't want to pry and make you uncomfortable."

"Britt-"

"I talked to Mike," She says as she looks back up at me, making eye contact this time. "After you left, Quinn took me to whatever it was that was alerting you guys, and I saw Mike there. He looked confused at first, but when Quinn told him what happened he seemed to have already, like known, or been expecting it at least."

My heart deflates hearing the last sentence she said. Everyone knew I'd fuck everything up eventually…they were just waiting for it to happen.

I nod my head as I look back out to the skyline over the buildings. "Figures," I say with a small sarcastic chuckle.

"He - uh - explained what happened. I hope that's okay with you, and if not I totally get it, but…" She stops talking, and I can practically feel her eyes burn holes in the side of my head.

I can feel my blood pressure rise at the fact that Mike would just spread my business like that, but I can understand why he had to. Brittany saw what happened, and she deserved an explanation. To be honest, the fact that Britt knows now relieves a little weight off my shoulders. I feel like I don't have to carry this secret around by myself anymore.

"So you know everything?" She nods and tries to give me a reassuring smile. "And you're not freaked out?" I look back and forth between her eyes, trying to gauge if she's telling the truth when she answers me.

She shrugs her shoulders. "I mean, I was at first." I guess she can see my shoulders deflate slightly because she quickly starts speaking again. "But not in a bad way. More like a…can't believe it's real type of way."

I nod after she finishes, showing her I understand where she's coming from.

"But now that I've had some time to think it over…it's actually really cool." She now has a brighter smile on her face as she lets out a small laugh.

"Yea…cool until you unintentionally put someone you care about in danger, all because you can't control your temper." There's bitterness evident in my voice, making it clear how upset I am at myself.

"Hey," She reaches forward and grabs my hand that's closest to her. "That wasn't your fault."

I want to believe her, I really do, but I know for a fact that what happened was my fault. I've always been hot-headed, and always had issues with my temper that put me in less-than-exciting circumstances, so it's nothing new to me.

I shake my head, telling her she's wrong without having to verbally disagree with her. "Trust me, Britt. I've been there before, so I know it is."

"What do you mean?" Her eyebrows are furrowed in confusion, but she still has a soft, caring look on her face.

"Nothing," I look down at our joined hands and marvel at the contrast of our skin tones. Even in the dim light of the moon, it's still evident. I look back up to see a certain sparkle in familiar blue eyes. It's crazy how you can really only know someone for a month and a half and feel like you've known them for your entire life. "I've just had a few hiccups in the past when it comes to my anger issues."

"Everyone's been there, Santana." She gives my hand a squeeze.

"Not like I have, Britt," I say as I continue to gaze into her eyes. Having this conversation is bringing up flashbacks and memories from the past, ones I've desperately tried to forget. I close my eyes as I try to push them back into the back of my mind, out of sight.

"Santana," She turns her body and brings her legs up to sit in a criss-cross position as she scoots closer to me. "Everyone has a past…some might have darker ones than others, but it doesn't change the person you are today. The person you've grown to be."

"I obviously didn't do much growing, seeing that I'm still pulling the same shit." I can feel my throat start to close with emotion.

"It really eats you up that bad?" I can hear the concern in her voice, so I'm quick to respond and reassure her.

"Not things that I've done, but things that I might've reacted poorly to, or things that happened that still have an effect."

"Have you talked to anyone about it?" She interlaces our fingers together, bringing my attention to them.

"Not anyone that wasn't there to witness it."

She doesn't say anything else for a few minutes, but starts caressing her thumb back and forth along my knuckles. I remember to take deep breaths when I get emotional or worked up, and even though I'm not mad right now, I still want to keep any emotions at bay. I've worked too hard to make myself stoic over the years to just crumple into a sobbing mess over it again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I hear her ask. I knew she was going to, and I've been having an inner debate about whether I should or not.

Thinking about it, there are a lot of pros if I tell her, but there are also some cons. I guess if I go ahead and tell her, I wouldn't be keeping any other secrets from her, she'd know everything that I work hard to keep hidden. If she knows everything about me, then she can actually make a decision on if she wants to stay or not. I come with a lot of baggage, and most people don't want it added to their life.

There are a few smaller cons that could sprout if I tell her, but there's really only one that matters. I could lose her. If she decides it's too much and leaves, I don't know what I'd do.

I guess she can see my inner struggle because she scoots even closer to me and puts her finger under my chin to lift my gaze back to her. "I'm not going anywhere. I've already made up my mind about you, and there's nothing you could say that would push me away."

Just by looking into her eyes, I can see she's telling the truth. I know I can trust her.

"It's - uh - it's a lot," I say with a small bob of my head, swallowing the nerves that are starting to creep into my voice.

She brushes a strand of hair out of my face and gently places it behind my ear before looking at me with a soft expression.

"I guess it all started at the beginning of high school. I had just started to realize that I had feelings for other girls instead of boys, and it kinda started to freak me out," I say with a small chuckle. "My parents are this high class, well-known, stellar reputation kind of couple, so they expected the same thing from me so we could 'keep our family name in check.'" I add with air quotes. "They expected me to join the cheerleading team, become popular, and maintain that image. So, I always knew that I had to keep it a secret…if anyone found out, it'd ruin my parent's reputation, and that wasn't an option. So I did what they wanted: joined the cheerleading team and became popular. About halfway through the year, I got asked to join the glee club, funny enough, by Tina and Kurt."

I smile at the memory. That was definitely one of the best moments of my entire high school career. I didn't know it at the time, and actually couldn't think of anything worse than joining the club, but there was no way I'd be where I am now if it weren't for the friends I made there.

"I told her no, obviously, since I had a reputation to uphold and the glee club would only drag me down. But, I went home and told my parents and they told me to join, and at that point, I didn't have a say in the matter anymore. They said it would boost their image even more, having a kid excel in all aspects, so I had to join. Little did they know that it was probably the biggest mistake they could ever make."

Brittany furrows her eyebrows, clearly confused by the last sentence, but I reassure her that it'll all add up soon.

"You'll see. I cornered Tina the next day and told her I'd join, which seemed to excite her. I went to practice that Thursday after I got done with cheer practice, and was surprised to see Mike in there. Mike's been one of my closest friends since third grade. We grew up in the same neighborhood, our parents were friends, but we actually met at school. He ran after me with a grasshopper he caught instead of playing tag with the other kids, which you'd think would cause me to instantly hate him, but there was just something different about him that I liked."

"Why weren't you playing tag with the other kids?" She asks.

I shrug my shoulders. "I just didn't want to. I was chilling in the shade under a tree with my pink Barbie sunglasses, not wanting to be disturbed."

"It sounds like you've always been the same," She says with a small laugh. I nod my head as a smile comes across my lips.

"Pretty much."

She straightens her back a bit, trying to regain her serious composure. "Sorry, you can continue."

There's still a smile on my face as I keep going. "Anyways, when I walked in and saw Mike there, I had a feeling it wouldn't be so bad. As the year went along, I learned that the dorks in the glee club weren't so bad. They all had kind hearts and became true friends, unlike the girls on the cheerleading squad. By the end of the year, I felt comfortable enough to share my newfound sexuality with them, and they were actually okay with it. I mean I figured they would be since Kurt was in there and he's gay, but I was still a little nervous. But they were really understanding, especially about the whole secret aspect of it. They knew who my family was and how it could be detrimental if anyone found out."

I pause for a second, knowing that this is where the story really takes a turn.

"Flash forward to the beginning of sophomore year - Tina threw a back-to-school party and invited all the glee kids and a few of her other friends she knew. At that party, I met Eliana."

Brittany's face lights up in recognition at hearing the familiar name. "The waitress?"

I nod my head and continue. "We became friends almost instantly. She was Tina's neighbor and had known her for a long time, and she went to our high school, too. We exchanged numbers and started talking more often, we saw each other at school, planned to sit together at lunch, and I even talked her into joining the glee club at one point. I remember Tina got a little peeved at that because she had been trying to get her to join for a while and was never successful. Well, as the year progressed so did our relationship…in many different ways. We never officially came out to each other, but it was more like a mutual understanding - we could just tell." I shrug my shoulders for emphasis. "By the end of the year, we had started doing…more than friendly things."

I watched Brittany, hoping she'd catch on so I wouldn't have to explain and we could move on. By the looks of it, she didn't quite catch my drift so I let out a sigh, dreading having to talk about what happened next.

"Long story short, Eliana and I became friends with benefits. I'm not gonna go through the whole progression and everything because it really doesn't matter now, but…" I shake my head, ridding my mind of the other memories that could get me off track. "Anyways, by senior year, we were dating. We weren't out, of course, only the glee kids knew, but that just made it feel even more special. It felt like our little thing was just ours, and we didn't have to share it with anyone. That's until my parents found out…"

I hear Brittany intake a sharp breath at my words. I try to remain stoic, but with every word I say I can feel the lump in my throat get bigger.

"They didn't even walk in on us doing anything, really. She was over at my house watching a movie while my parents went on their weekly date night, and when she was leaving I gave her a kiss goodbye in the foyer. Little did I know, my parents came home early because my mom got called into the hospital, so they saw the exchange."

I look down, feeling my eyes start to burn with unshed tears. I know I'm bound to start crying eventually, but I'm holding out for as long as I can.

"After that, everything went to shit. My parents blew up at me, yelling, throwing pillows, threatening to kick me out…it was a whole big mess. After their tantrum was over, they said that this couldn't leave the house, that no one could find out…which I honestly expected. I got my phone and computer taken, was banned from seeing Eliana again, and was sent to bed. The next day at dinner, they were pretending like nothing had happened, like it was another normal night. That was until my mom brought up the idea of sending me to a camp to 'fix me.'"

I see Brittany's eyes flicker with something different than usual…something I've never seen before.

"We were known through the town to be religious people, even though we never went to church and my parents were definitely less than holy people, so my mom wanted to send me to a conversion camp that was held a few hours away. I would go away for 6 weeks, and supposedly come back cured or something. And speaking as how my dad's in the Navy, and my mom's a big shot doctor, they could afford it, and planned to send me there. I was told to say bye to my friends for the time being and get packed to leave in two weeks when the new session starts. Only I didn't. I lost my temper and jumped up from the table, screaming at them at the top of my lungs. And seeing them just sit there so stoically when I was visibly distressed ignited another spark within me. I eventually took one of the plates and smashed it on the ground before marching up to my room. And I - uh - threw the remote at the TV on the way, breaking the screen. I didn't talk to them for days after that, and they didn't make any effort to talk to me either. Even though they probably deserved it, I regretted breaking their things when I got to my room…it's always like that. I get carried away, and then I realize the regret and guilt later."

I take another moment to pause and take a deep breath, trying not to let the memories get the best of me.

"This all happened towards the end of my senior year, and I guess my parents were hoping I'd be better before graduation and inevitably, college. They knew I didn't want to go to college, and I didn't to follow in either of their footsteps, which was their expectations. When I went back to school, I explained to everyone what happened, since they were my closest friends…well, everyone except Eliana. Eliana had pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. She quit glee, unfollowed me on every social media platform, and blocked my number. I didn't even see her at school, but I know she was there because everyone else saw her at different points throughout the day. Having to be sent away, pressured into things I didn't want to do, and then my girlfriend just abandoning me…I snapped. She was the last straw. She was the only good thing I thought I had going in life, hope for the future, and then she pulled the rug right out from under me. After that happened, I got extremely irritable about everything. There are too many instances to count, but I remember one specific time when Mercedes wanted to sing a song in a different key, and I flipped…for no reason. I kicked the piano stool over and knocked over the stand holding the sheet music we spent hours organizing, making it fly all over the room before I walked out."

I feel the tears start to make their way down my cheeks, but Brittany's quick to bring her hand up to wipe them away as they fall.

"I eventually came to the point where I realized I was doing more harm than good and thought that my parents might have been right all along. I packed up and went to the camp…" I choke out. "And it was the most traumatizing thing I'd ever been through. That includes everything that happened with Rory. Throughout the six weeks, we had to sit in lectures and listen to sermons about how there were demons living in us and a bunch of other shit. We had homework on this stuff, Britt. We'd have to listen to it all day, and then go back to our dorms and do homework on it. And there was no option of not doing it either, we had priests watching over us as we did it. But that wasn't even the worst part…the worst part was the graduation ceremony."

I feel my breathing start to get labored as I recall everything that happened on that horrible Thursday afternoon.

"It started by having to fast for 36 hours. When the fasting was over, they forced us to change into this long white gown, and we had to take off all jewelry and put our hair up in ponytails - so the demons wouldn't get caught escaping us."

I say the last part a little quieter, knowing how ridiculous it sounds to say it out loud.

"They brought me into this small white room, with one head priest and two assistants, and sat me down in a kneeling position on the floor. The priest sat in front of me in a similar position, and put a hand on my forehead, right between my eyebrows. He started praying, speaking in tongues, and eventually started yelling extremely loudly for the demon to rid himself of my body. After about two hours of torture, my body started to shake and I started sobbing. I knew I was having a panic attack, but I guess the priest thought whatever he was doing worked, and he let me go with a smile on his face. He patted my shoulder and said 'Now go live in the light, Child of God.'" I repeat what he said in a mocking tone, resentment clear in my tone.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but did your parents know that they were going to do that?" Brittany asks as she puts her hand up in disbelief. When I nod my head she lets out a scoff and starts shaking her head. "That's not right."

"Maybe not," I agree. "But it happened. After the camp, I went back home and my parents thought I was cured. They said I acted differently when I came back, which was true…I was still recovering from the events that happened over the 6 weeks I was in hell. They took that as a sign that I was cured, and moved on. None of my friends believed it though, they knew something different was going on. Tina was the main one…she invited me over to her house shortly after I got back and we just sat and talked for hours. That was the moment I realized Tina was going to be one of my best friends. I mean, sure, we were friends in glee, but I was always closer to Mike."

Brittany nods her head in understanding, but her gaze still shows that she's bothered by what I told her before.

"Moving on, I graduated and went to college - majoring in Pre-Med, like my parents wanted. I lived at home and went to college for a whole year before I finally started to think of ways to get out of there. I had stopped talking to my friends, since we didn't see each other every day, except for Tina and Mike…and even then, it was only a couple of texts a week. I was pretty much living for my parents at that point. Sometime during the fall semester, I just snapped from the pressure and ran away. I packed a bag of clothes, food, and water in the middle of the night, and left. I left my phone there since my parents were still paying for it, and I wanted absolutely no ties to them anymore. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I just had to leave. I took the city bus to places, and walked sometimes, but just kept moving further and further away from my parents. I was gone for about 10 days when a police car pulled up beside me when I was walking through downtown Lima one day. When it came to a stop, I was surprised to see Tina jump out of the car and tackle me in a hug. Mike pulled up in his car a few minutes later, with Kurt and Mercedes in the back. It was kinda like a family reunion."

Remembering that moment, the moment when my life changed, brings a small smile to my lips, despite the tears still running down my cheeks.

"Tina said she called me one day to ask if I wanted to grab lunch since she was back in town for the weekend, but my mom answered the phone instead of me. She said that my mom told her that I had been missing for over 6 days after she asked where I was, which caused her to call the police and go on a search for me."

"Did your mom not even care that you were gone?" Brittany asked.

I shake my head in response. "I don't think so…I haven't spoken to them since. She probably saw that my bag was gone with some of my clothes and assumed I just ran away. But I wasn't surprised to hear that she was nonchalant about it, which is arguably one of the worst things about the whole situation."

"But Tina cared…and the rest of your friends."

"Yep," I nod my head. "That's how I ended up where I am now. Tina moved out of her college dorm here, and we found an apartment. I dropped out of college and found my job at the country club. Now, Tina covered my share of the rent for the first two months, which I still have no clue how she managed to do, but the rest is history."

"Well, I'm happy you're in a better place now." She reaches for my other hand and squeezes it. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, though."

"It's in the past…and truth is, I've buried it so far down that it doesn't really even come up in my daily life anymore. Only if it's brought up by someone, which everyone knows to steer clear of."

"Are you happy you talked about it, though?"

"Honestly? Yeah, a little. It probably helps that I was talking to you, though." I give her a smirk as I gaze into the indescribable blue eyes that I've learned to admire more and more over the last month. A bashful smile takes over her face and she looks down to our joined hands. "Are you sure it's not too much? I know it's a lot of drama and baggage, and most people don't want to deal with it."

Hearing my words, her head snaps back up to look at me as she shakes her head. "It may be a lot, but I'd rather carry some of that burden so that you aren't carrying it all by yourself. There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do, to make me give up. You're worth it."

I can feel my eyes start to burn with the familiar feeling of emotion, but it's different this time. It's not sad, it's not overwhelming, but I can't put a name to what it is I'm feeling. The fact that I just opened up to her, every ounce of my being is now out there for her knowledge, and she still wants to stay…it causes this unknown feeling to flutter in my chest, but I like it.

I move my gaze down from blue eyes to look at thin pink lips. Very gently, I raise my thumb to graze across her lower lip. As I look back up into her eyes, I notice them flicker down to my own lips for a second before looking back at me with a pleading sparkle in them.

"Can I kiss you?" I ask quietly. The question would be inaudible if we weren't already so close to each other.

Instead of getting a response, she just leans in closer…so close that our lips are just barely grazing over each other. Taking the final move, I move forward and connect our lips. My eyes flutter closed at the contact, and I revel in the feeling of her soft lips pressing gently against mine.

The kiss lasts for a few seconds before I pull back slightly, only to have her wrap her hand around the back of my neck to reconnect our lips. I can feel her smile as our lips start to move fluidly against each other this time, and I'm sure she can feel mine as well.

Smiling into a kiss always makes it a little harder, but I wouldn't trade this moment for anything. I move my hand up to cup her cheek, and she keeps her hand behind my neck, scratching her nails at the base of my scalp.

The kiss lasts for a few more moments until the need to breathe becomes a necessity, and we pull back. I keep my eyes closed for a couple of seconds after we disconnect, not really believing this is my reality right now.

When I open them, I find Brittany staring at me with a goofy smile on her face, lips tinged pink and slightly swollen. She's never looked cuter than she does at this moment. Looking at her, I start getting that feeling in my chest again, the one that I can't put a name to.

"What is this?" I ask.

"What?" She asks for clarification, but her voice is upbeat and the smile on her face is still prevalent.

"This feeling…" I tilt my head to one side as I continue to admire the beauty of her facial features.

She thinks it over for a moment. "Hope," She raises one shoulder, taking a guess.

A wide grin comes across my face as I let it sink in. That's exactly what this feeling is.

I nod my head and move to wrap my arms around her neck, bringing her into a hug.

"Hope."