Please be careful reading this. It contains things about depression and mental illness and can be a bit ouch... so enjoy the suffering I guess.
Ace couldn't sleep. And he didn't want to wake Marco, his new boyfriend. It was the second time he was staying with Marco overnight at his family's place and he still was feeling a bit nervous whenever he came across Marco's father or brothers. They had gone to bed at, he believed, a little past ten. At Least that's what it had been the last time he had looked at the clock. But whatever.
He wasn't sure if he had slept at all. But he was awake around 1am and now had dared to move and look at the time a half an hour later. Marco had, and was still, fast asleep. Or that was what Ace hoped. He couldn't be sure because he had grabbed his phone, pants and a sweater before he had crawled out of bed and sneaked out of the room the second his coughs had stopped.
He hoped he was not getting sick again. Even if he already knew he was it. He had catched a cold some days ago, probably because he was outside without a shirt to just go and grab the mail and it still was February... But who could have known that could make people sick! Oof. But he got the whole package. Headache, runny or stuffy nose, a sore throat, a little bit of coughing and all in all just a bad mood because he wasn't feeling good enough to do stuff but also not bad enough to just stay in bed and do nothing. He had felt a lot better after 3 days and had agreed to meet again with Marco. He didn't when he was sick because he feared he could make Marco and the others sick too.
They had a great day. Ace had been careful and kept his jacket closed when they had walked through the city. He had worn a warm and thick Hoodie -not Marco's, nooo, he swears!- and not one of his T-shirt he usually always was seen with. Marco had been a smiling and happy mess, giggling and all happy that he was able to spend some time with Ace again. He had been really nice and understanding when Ace canceled not only their dates but also phone calls and stuff. It was worth it. Ace had been feeling fine again and they had a good time.
Ace felt tears coming up and he swallowed down his annoyance. It was now almost 3 in the morning and he was feeling... Awefull! When the coughs had started he had thought it would end after a single cough. But the itch in his throat had stayed. So he had coughed a second time, already getting nervous he might wake Marco. Then a third time, harder than before, hoping that would do the trick. It didn't. He had searched and then grabbed the bottle that was placed on the nightstand to drink something. Maybe that would help. But the cold water only felt good for a second. Right after he swallowed the need to cough was even worse. He had coughed a few more times, trying to be as silent as possible. But Marco woke up and had asked if he was alright. Already feeling bad, Ace had just whispered something like 'just choked on some water.' before excusing himself, saying he would be right back.
After fleeing the scene he had quietly made his way down those awfully loud squeaking stairs, he had coughed himself to what felt like near death in the bathroom, pressing a towel over mouth and nose to quiet himself down. After that he put on his pants and then tapped to the kitchen, holding his now aching throat. He searched the water heater which thankfully stood on the counter right next to the Coffee machine and let it boil some water. Thinking about it, he now remembered he left the sweater in the bathroom. He would go and get it later.
Maybe some tea would help him though. Drinking tea was always good when you couldn't sleep or had a sore throat. And Ace had both of it! He knew where the light switch was but feared the light would wake someone. The doors were old too, they would make noises if he would close them. So turning the light on and closing the door wasn't an option. And no light wasn't one either. But navigating himself around with his flashlight would be a terrible idea. What if a neighbor saw it and would call the police, thinking someone was breaking in? He then hit the light switch in the living room, which also made some light in the kitchen and only used a part of his flashlight by covering the rest of his phone camera with his fingers. He had searched for some tea, hating that he had to open all those cabinets for it. He knew he shouldn't do it. This wasn't his home after all. He and Marco had only been together for a couple of months yet and he never had gotten the permission to just do what he wanted in the kitchen. This wasn't right.
The first tea he found was perfect. It was made to help with coughing and stuff. But when he looked inside, he saw that only one bag was left. So he couldn't make it. At first he was searching through the kitchen and now would empty out things without asking too? No! So he forced himself to go on with his search. Not liking to go through even more cabinets then he already had. He found a cup. That was a good sign, right? While he was busy searching and feeling bad the water heater was almost ready and started to make noises as well. And it was loud. Shit.
Against all his remaining sanity he stopped searching and quietly rushed over to the door to lean it close and fast and as much as he could without making too much noise. He then filled the cup with the hot water and continued his search for tea after cooling down the water heater by blowing at it. Which triggered another coughing fit. WHY WAS EVERYTHING IN THIS DAMN HOUSE SO FREAKING LOUD AT NIGHT!
He finally found another package of tea. Much to his luck, was it similar to the other one. But it was closed. Double Shit. But opening a full package and taking one wasn't as bad as emptying an almost full one. Right? He carefully broke the seal and snatched one of the bags out of it before shoving everything else back into the cabinet and closing it carefully. Now everything was alright. He had managed to make Tea.
As already said, it now was almost 3 am. The tea was empty and Ace had switched off the lights too as soon as he had remembered that the birds that were kept in the living room would wake up if the light stayed on and would make noises and maybe wake the others. So there he was. Sitting in the dark, not tired, feeling awful just because he had searched through the kitchen and taken things without asking. He knew it wasn't a big deal... But it somehow was for him. He just knew he did something he wasn't supposed to. And it annoyed him that it was bothering him. So much that he felt like he was about to start crying.
He had sent a message to Marco, telling him he shouldn't worry if he noticed he wasn't next to him and that he was sitting in the kitchen. Ace knew the others wouldn't be mad at him. He just made himself tea. They all had told him he should make himself feel at home... And they probably would say he should have said something and Marco or someone else would have kept him company or made him the tea... Why was he almost crying over a bag of tea?! He knew he could just clean the cup and throw the bag away and no-one would ever guess he had it. He could even delete the message he had sent to Marco because he and Marco had saved a fingerprint of each other on their phones if something happened and there is only the other person's phone available... But he doesn't need to hide his feelings from Marco. Marco should know it.. It's just him being gone for.. Some hours in the middle of the night for a cup of tea... It was stressing him out.
Ace felt how his throat was itching and hurting again. He had carefully downed the tea as hot as he could but now he could need another one... He knew it would help. The coughing had also started again and he had always a hand free to press it on his mouth if he would need to. It would just be another tea. There was still water left. He knew where the tea was. He even could just make another tea with the already used teabag. But he couldn't get himself to stand up. He was upset. And not feeling well. Everything felt like it was too much. Even making tea. Which annoyed him. And his annoyance only made the bad feeling of not being able to do something even worse.
He knew what was happening. He had been diagnosed with depression only two weeks ago. He knew a lot about mental illness. That sickness. But that didn't mean it was any easier. And right now, sitting all alone in the dark kitchen, hearing the ticking off the clock, fearing to move because it could make a sound, feeling he was not only mentally but also physically getting ill, staring at his empty cup was everything he could do. Everything he could handle. Even if it still felt too much but also way too less. He hated that feeling. It had been the reason he had made that appointment with his doctor. Marco knew what was going on and was again very understanding.
Ace felt like he didn't deserve him. Marco had given him space and time to calm down and relax, but also had made him go outside and at least do the basic things like brushing his teeth and showering... Eating and taking his meds was something Ace still had managed, even if the time he ate and took his pills hadn't been the one he should. He still did it and that was everything he needed. And now? After being overwhelmed by basically doing anything else then lying in bed, visiting the doc, catching a cold and FINALLY being able to see Marco again and spending time together without Ace having the need to ask Marco if he would please go home because he was feeling exhausted... He was getting sick again? Really?
Ace closed his eyes. It now was 4 am. He really had thought about all of this for over an hour again. And he felt like he wouldn't stop just now. There was still a lot to think of. As an example: how should he tell Marco he wasn't staying for another night but would go home as soon as he could instead? Marco would be the loving and understanding boyfriend again and would probably just hit him, saying it was okay, even if Ace knew it wasn't… or at least Ace felt like it wasn't. Marco knew Ace wasn't faking it or taking his behavior for granted. It made Ace feel even worse... But he would never tell him that.
Maybe he should break up with him? Ace was happy with him.. But was it really love that he felt? Maybe.. He wasn't sure. How does love feel? He opened his eyes again and smiled at the ceiling. Hating that he really was thinking about breaking up... But he was hurting Marco with his behavior. And he doesn't want him to be hurt. Ace believes he loves Marco... Even if he doesn't know how love feels... Isn't that love?