It Goes Both Ways

This summer had been a strange one for James. He had lost one Black and gained another when Sirius turned up on his doorstep unannounced three days into the holidays.

"I couldn't stay there any longer," he grunted, moving his duffle bag and motorcycle parts into a spare bedroom. "I'm just…I'm done."

James hadn't known what to say to his friend, and so simply welcomed him in. Both of his parents had taken the new addition in their stride. To be honest, Sirius had spent enough time at his over the past couple of summers that they probably hadn't even realised he had moved in until it was too late to say anything.

"Can you write to Narcissa at least, let her know you're, okay?" Had been the only thing he had requested of Sirius. No matter what happened, he could still remember how broken she had seemed when Andromeda first left. He didn't want that for her again, especially if he couldn't be there to comfort her.

And he had, for weeks owls had flown between the two until they stopped. "She said 'we are the Black family' she thinks if enough of us try to rewrite what it means to be a Black, that people will stop acting as if we're a family full of death eaters. I don't think two of us are enough." Had been Sirius' explanation.

"What about Andromeda? She's not wrong that more of your generation seem to be on the right side than the wrong one."

"She doesn't get it. I don't care about being a Black, neither does Andromeda. It's only her, and Regulus. And Bella, that place so much value on a name."

And so, summer had been in an odd sort of melancholy. James was still happy Sirius was there with him, after all, misery loves company. It got to the point where both were almost excited to return to Hogwarts, although the idea of seeing Narcissa for the first time made James' stomach knot up.

"You know, I've just thought of something," Sirius exclaimed as they finally managed to find an empty carriage to travel in.

"What's that?" James replied.

"We always said one year we wouldn't get the Hogwarts Express and would arrive in style somehow." As the train whistle sounded.

"That's right…what were you thinking again? A flying motorcycle?"

"Yeah, but that's what I mean. We've missed our chance; this is our last year."

"Oh…" and suddenly James felt like a complete idiot. As much as he had known it would be his last year, this was the first time he had fully considered that it would be his last time doing so many things. "That's annoying. We definitely had time over summer to work on flying motorcycles."

"What are you two doing shut in up here?" came a voice from the carriage door, as Remus and Peter made their way inside.

"Discussing flying motorcycles. Maybe flying home…but that wouldn't really have the same impact would it." Sirius' voice said gloomily. He was probably experiencing the same strange melancholy as James, only worse. James realised with a lurch. For him, school had been a second home, but for Sirius it had been an escape.

"Well -" Remus started before a ready to burst Wormtail interrupted him. "Did you see who came to see Narcissa off at the train?"

James felt his stomach sink. Surely, she wasn't in a new relationship already?

Remus had fixed their friend with such a look of venom that it almost rivalled some of Snape's expressions. "I said we had to be subtle Wormtail, you idiot." With a sigh, Remus turned to James. "Lucius Malfoy was seeing her off James. There wasn't anything romantic about it though, he could have just been being friendly."

Sirius made a noise half between snort and cough. "I doubt it. He's been trying to get into Narcissa's pants since third year." Leading to Remus switching his glare Sirius' way.

James tried to ignore the feeling of dread in his chest, and as he started speaking his voice sounded oddly far away. As if it was someone else talking. "Well, Narcissa is free to date whoever she wants. We broke up before the summer."

His friends all looked at him with various expression ranging from pity, (Moony), to incredulity (Padfoot) and confusion (Wormtail).

"You all right Prongs?" Sirius asked, "only you've gone a bit grey. And you sounded a bit possessed there."

"No, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" His voice still sounding oddly distant, as his friends all exchanged looks of doubt with one another.

It felt like a lifetime before James was sitting in the great hall, with the normal feast in front of him. What was not normal, was his total lack of appetite. He'd been watching the Slytherin table, trying to find Narcissa. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but when he finally saw her amongst the sea of green, Narcissa was already staring at him, a rage in her eyes that baffled him. He had tried to mouth "are you okay" to her, but before he could get the message across Narcissa rolled her eyes at him and turned away.

"What did I do to deserve that?" He was pissed off now. He definitely did not deserve that level of animosity. He racked his brain; they had still spoken to one another before the end of last year. Yes, they had both been angry, but not with each other, not to this degree. Had Bella said something? Or did she blame him for Sirius leaving? Yes, that might do it, but that wasn't James' fault.

His friends were staring at his questioningly. "Deserve what Prongs?" Sirius asked. Although from the looks they were all sharing with one another, they already knew the answer.

"It's nothing important." He replied, shaking his head. He would try and catch Narcissa after dinner and find out what was going on then. "What were you saying Moony?"

But James found that catching Narcissa was more difficult than he expected, she disappeared into a crowd of departing Slytherins after dinner. Not stopping to look in his direction once. "Huh."

So, he ended up in the room of requirement. He felt sure that Narcissa would know to meet him there to talk about whatever it was that had so enraged her. In retrospect, he wasn't sure why since she had so pointedly avoided him earlier, but that didn't stop him staying there for over two hours. By the end he found himself pacing up and down muttering things like "What does she see in Malfoy anyway," and a sly voice inside his head (that sounded suspiciously like Sirius) would mutter things like "well, he is rich, pure blooded and I've heard the girls saying he was good looking." God, it was annoying. He had left school, so he couldn't even target him for some interesting pranks.

James kept thinking about the last time he had been in this room with Narcissa. Kept going over everything he said. She definitely hadn't been this angry then. Suddenly he had inspiration. The notebook she had given him! He had tossed it into his trunk and not given it another thought, but surely Narcissa would have kept hers, he would write a message to her, asking her to meet him tomorrow night. Yes, that was a plan.

James had to ruffle through a lot of clothes, books and various different Zonko's related purchases before finding the notebook in question. It didn't help that he had managed to look past it twice, he could have sworn the notebook Narcissa gave him was red. Of course, it had been when he had initially received it. His stomach dropped when he opened it up to a sea of messages.

Narcissa: James, can we talk?

…James, please don't tell me you've thrown this notebook in the bottom of your trunk and forgotten about it. It took a lot of work getting this spell right.

You have, I can tell. And I can't even owl you right now, mine is too busy scouring the countryside for Sirius. He is refusing to give me his current address, just the general area he is staying in. I'm assuming he's with you, but he won't say for sure. He's too worried I'll tell his parents and they'll show up at your door. It's strange to think that I actually miss him.

I miss you as well. Please respond. I feel like I made this horrible decision based on how angry I was at everyone and everything. A part of me knows how dangerous it would be, you an auror and me being related to half the death eaters in the country, I'm just sick of being judged based on who I'm related to, rather than who I am.

God, I don't even know why I'm still writing in this. You clearly don't care. I just keep wondering how things would have gone if I hadn't lost the baby. What would you have said to Dumbledore when he gave you that ultimatum? What would I have said? One more thing to blame Snape for I suppose.

You know it's the…I don't even know if there is a word for it. Anniversary? No, that's not right. Today is the baby's due date. He would have been born today. I don't know why I always think of it as him. I think it's because we decided on Leonis, and that always felt right.

I've decided, if you reply to me today, or owl me or try in some way to get in contact, it's a sign. You see, I've been thinking about it. If you really expect me to give up my family, I need to know you'll fight for me, not just for the rest of the world. I know you love me, and I love you too. I don't think I'll ever love anyone the way I love you. But I need to know I'm not giving everything up for someone who will sacrifice everything for the greater good, but not for their family.

I think the only reason I've even been able to say all this is because I'm not expecting you to read this anymore.

I was at a pure blood circuit the other day. Sirius used to make those more tolerable by making all his snide comments and winding everyone up, this one was awful. But I met Lucius Malfoy there, it was the first time speaking to him in years. It was easy. It doesn't feel easy with you anymore James.

James felt sick. He could feel it all, all the emotion Narcissa had poured into those words. How hurt she had been. The fact that she had changed her mind but wanted a sign from him. And the baby's birthday. The worst part of it was that he had known, he remembered counting down the days to when the birth would have been. He and Sirius had gone out and gotten wrecked that night. He hadn't wanted to think about it, hadn't wanted to feel that loss again. And he had thought of Narcissa, had wondered how she was, if she was thinking about the baby. Why didn't I owl her? He asked himself. Why didn't she owl me? It was obvious by that point he wasn't getting the messages through the journal. Why was there some secret test that he didn't know about? How was that fair?

But he supposed the answer to that was in Narcissa's messages. She wanted him to fight for her. And he hadn't. He let her leave, he thought he was respecting her choice, was giving her space over summer when she didn't write to him. But she had.

He read and reread her messages. What did he even say to that? He wasn't even sure that words were good enough at this point.

I'm Sorry. He eventually wrote. It didn't even begin to scrape the barrel of his emotions, but it was what he needed her to know right now. Can we please meet? Tomorrow night?

He was expecting to have to wait for a response, but it came quickly.

Can't do tomorrow. Wednesday? Normal place?

James was practically shaking with nerves waiting for Narcissa. She was late…he supposed this was some sort of cosmic karma. All those times he had been late because of detention. When Narcissa finally came in, she looked changed somehow. There was an air of…finality about her, it was as if she had made her mind up and was only there to see what he had to say. Or maybe that was just James projecting.

And yet she still smiled the moment she noticed him there.

"Sorry I couldn't make yesterday, detention," Narcissa said with an eye roll. Maybe she hadn't changed that much.

"What did you end up in detention for?"

"It doesn't matter," Narcissa replied as she walked past him to sit down. Yes, he definitely got the sense that she was there to hear what he had to say for himself. Well, he might as well dive right in then.

"I wanted to say how sorry I was. I forgot about the journal; I was an idiot. I thought when we parted over summer that you wanted space." That was certainly what she had said to him. "So, I didn't owl you, I wanted to be respectful."

"Respectful to the bitter end," Narcissa replied with a wry smile. "It's fine, I get it. You were trying to move on over summer."

"What? No? I spent most of summer miserable. You were the one who turned up with Lucius Malfoy on their arm to King's Cross."

"Then why didn't you write to me at all? Why didn't you at least reach out on the day the baby would have been born. You have no idea how horrible that day was for me, I almost -" Narcissa broke off, her eyes welling up before she seemed to push those emotions down. "I felt awful."

"So did I!" For some reason, James felt himself getting annoyed now. He had mourned the baby as well, but he hadn't gone and found some other girl to distract himself with. "Do you really think I wasn't upset as well? It goes both ways you know, I'm sorry I didn't message you. I really am, I thought it was what you wanted. But you could have sent me an owl when it was clear I wasn't getting those journal messages. Why didn't you owl me?"

"I -" Narcissa seemed frozen at that last question. "I was alone. Sirius left. You left. I was so proud of those journals when I made them. I don't think the protean charm is usually used for communicating like this, but it worked. And every time I looked at it, I thought of you, and so that's how I wrote to you. You're just like Sirius though, everything comes so easily to you that you didn't care about it. About how much effort I put into it."

"And I am so sorry about that Narcissa. But that last time when we were together, there was so much going on that I barely registered those books. This can't be the thing that ends us." He half pleaded that last part and moved to kiss her.

"No." Narcissa stopped him, shaking her head. "This isn't what ended us, James. I'm sorry, but over summer I had time to think. Nothing I wrote was untrue, none of those issues we talked about before have gone."

Narcissa could barely breath by the time she finally got back to the Slytherin common rooms. She had been so determined not to cry again. She was sick of crying. Sick of mourning a relationship when James had made it clear he couldn't prioritise her. She had been lucky that Bellatrix had let her spend so much time at her place, otherwise her parents would have asked far more questions about what had happened at school last year.

Bellatrix had been the one to force her to that pure blood party, it had been two weeks after the baby's due date and Bella had forced her to leave the house, saying that even if the parties were awful, they were still better than self-imposed solitary confinement. She wasn't even that interested in Lucius, he was just there and was happy to talk to her without any expectation. He rolled his eyes at the antics of the parties, and made the same sarcastic quips that Sirius used to. Only not quite so loudly. Nothing had happened, they'd just kept in touch after that.

She had asked him to drop her off at King's Cross. She still wasn't sure why.

No, that wasn't true. She had done it precisely because she knew it would get to James. Make him look in that journal. God, she still felt like an idiot making them, thinking he would be impressed by them. Thinking he would check it. That he would think about her at all.

Still, she couldn't help but think about James' response. It goes both ways. Why didn't you owl me?

Why hadn't she?