Now and Forever
Chapter 16
On days that Christine and Katie had work and Hannah was at school, Mike kind of puttered around the house. He was not used to having nothing to do and he had already done all of Christine's 'honey-do' list. He needed to find a hobby or something.
Christine had ordered him books to read and movies to watch but Mike hated sitting still. About three weeks after they got back from St. Louis, Christine burst into the house midday-with tears streaming down her cheeks. The weird part was she was also smiling.
"What's wrong?" Mike asked as he stood up from his recliner.
"Nothings wrong. I…wasn't feeling great so I had the doctor do a test…Mike; I'm pregnant. I…know you were on the fence but I am really happy." Christine said. Instead of saying anything, he pulled her into a hug.
"Is everything okay?" Mike asked finally.
"Yes, but its very early." Christine answered. Mike was less than thrilled but he was worried about Christine. She still seemed so fragile. She pulled back and looked at him for a long moment. "Look, I know you aren't happy. I also remember when I told you I was pregnant with Katie; you were worried about money, that our apartment wasn't big enough and that we just weren't ready. When she was born; you were so happy. You even cried a bit, holding her the first time. And it was a repeat performance with Hannah. Lucas was the only one we planned on and tried for, but you were just as happy when he came along. I have no doubt you will do the same with this baby." Christine told him.
"We're just older and with everything that you've been through…" Mike started.
"Mike; I am fine. I promise. I want this baby. I think this family needs some joy and happiness. What are you so scared of?" Christine asked as they both sat down on the couch.
"I suppose losing you. You are older. I've read the statistics and the chances of pre-eclampsia are much higher. I could lose you and a baby after getting you back not so long ago." Mike answered, feeling shame.
"And you are afraid of becoming attached to a baby you might lose…like Lucas?" Christine asked.
"I suppose that factors into it." Mike said.
"Mike, if you had known when Lucas was born that we would lose him; would you have loved him any differently? I can answer for myself, and say I would have done nothing differently. But I can't speak for you." Christine asked.
"I…would have done things differently. Not love him differently but I would have been home more. Spent more time with him. With the girls too because I missed a lot of years with them and I just know that is going to backfire on me at some point." Mike told her.
"The girls adore you and they do not resent you. And you are making up for that lost time now." Christine said, rather firmly.
"Yeah, but I missed a lot, even before. Who says I can be a decent father, day-to-day? Its not like I have experienced every stage and milestone. What if I can't do it?" Mike asked as he began pacing around.
"Oh, Mike. I have no doubt in my mind that you can do it. I think your experience—missing all those things will make you an even better dad to this baby. Mike, our girls love you. They brighten when they see you and Lucas did too. Sure, you will experience things you didn't before but I have no doubt that you're going to be just fine. You are an amazing dad and an amazing husband." Christine answered. She stood up and pulled him into another hug. He clung to her tightly.
"I love you." Mike answered simply.
"I love you too." Christine replied before giving him a long kiss. "Now, I need to go back to work. I do think we need to hold off and tell the girls when I'm further along." Christine said.
"I agree with that." Mike answered. He gave her another long kiss, wishing she didn't have to go back to work but she loved her job and it gave her a sense of purpose that she needed after her suicide attempt.
"Mike, I will be fine. I promise." Christine answered as she picked her purse up and gave him another kiss. She left and he sat back down, trying not to focus on the worst case scenarios.