Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one. Just borrowing them again for a while.
Hi everyone…. I know I said I'd be posting on Sundays or Mondays but since this is ready I thought I'd just post a little early.
Thanks so much for all the great replies and feedback. I'm so giddy that you're enjoying the story. This is different from my norm so it's been challenging and fun and frustrating, all wrapped up in one, to write it. But I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
I don't like leaving long author's notes up here because I feel it distracts from the story. And I don't do this often, but I would like to just address a few comments I received from the first chapter. I'll put them at the end of the chapter so if anyone wants to read them, they can. If not, at least it didn't distract you from jumping right back into the story.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing and I hope you enjoy!
Chapter 2
Alison felt her heart squeeze in her chest as she looked at the woman standing in her doorway.
Emily looked as miserable and confused and hurt as Alison herself felt. And it made the blonde want to hurl herself at the brunette, kiss her senseless and confess everything. It was only her fear of Emily's rejection that held her back.
It had been over six years since they'd been face to face. Not since that night, standing in the church doorway, when Alison finally told Emily the truth of how she felt. Certain she was going to die; Alison had to make sure Emily knew.
But she didn't die. The firefighters burst into the room just after she collapsed, overcome by the smoke, just as the last of her awareness was fading away. She'd gone back to make sure Courtney didn't escape, willing to sacrifice herself, to ensure Emily and the other girls were safe. She didn't expect to make it out of there alive. But by some miracle she did.
Then, unable to cope with the physical and emotion damage she sustained, Alison ran. Again. She knew she was going to hurt Emily in the process because all she ever done was hurt the people she loved. She hated it, hated herself for it. But Alison knew it had been the right thing to do, for both of them, even though it had torn them both to shreds. She deserved whatever wrath Emily had for her so despite the fact that she could hardly breath, she stepped back so Emily could enter the house.
Emily walked in slowly; looking around the room, sensing Alison in everything, from the decor to the subtle scent that Emily remembered always seemed to permeate Alison's space.
Peep greeted her, barking and head butting her excitedly, obviously remembering her.
"Hi, Pepe," Emily said as she looked down and patted his head. He was older but he looked basically the same. Part her was surprised that Alison still had the dog since she usually abandoned those who loved her. As quickly as the thought came to her, so did the shame for judging Alison so harshly. Pepe was obviously a very loved and happy animal. He licked her hand as she stroked under his chin like she remembered he liked.
"Pepe, leave her alone," Alison said softly and the dog immediately obeyed but plopped himself down on top of her feet.
Emily looked up at Alison, really looked at her, taking her in for the first time in over six years. How could one woman be so utterly beautiful?
And she was a woman now. They both were.
Gone was the apple shaped face Emily remembered. Alison's face had thinned out, although it still retained a slight roundness, more of a heart than an apple now. The dimple in her chin was still one of the most prominent features, second only to her fathomless azure eyes.
As Alison's face had matured so had the rest of her. Before her first disappearance, Alison was thin and barely defined. More limbs and straight lines. They all had been, still young girls just barely on the cusp of womanhood. By the time she'd returned two years later, they had all bloomed, filled out in the places young girls fill out as they progress through their teen years.
But now, Emily could only describe Alison as womanly. Although still slender, the blonde had curves now, just the right amount of curves, in all the right places. Although she, herself, was long and lean, Emily liked a little meat on her girls; liked the feel of soft flesh beneath her fingers, not protruding bones. Alison had exactly that and Emily felt a tingle low in her abdomen as she looked at the blonde in front of her.
Her eyes raked over Alison of their own volition, settling briefly on her breasts. Emily couldn't help herself, she was a boob girl, and Alison had glorious breasts. Emily swallowed as her eyes soaked in the soft swell of flesh that peeked out above the collar of her shirt, just the hint of a shadow in her cleavage and she heard Alison gasp softly.
Her eyes whipped up to Alison's face. The blonde's blue orbs were dark and intense but Alison's lips were curved slightly on the right side into a smirk. This wasn't the trademark sarcastic smirk she had years ago. This was one of knowing amusement. She knew Emily was checking her out and she clearly liked it.
When their eyes met, Alison's smirk faltered and turned into a frown.
"What are you doing here Emily?" the blonde asked as she crossed her arms over her chest defensively.
Distracted from her perusal by Alison's abrupt greeting, Emily looked at her incredulously. "Are you seriously asking me that?"
"You shouldn't have come here," Alison replied. "How did you even know where to find me?"
Emily tilted her head curiously. While Alison seemed defensive and a little angry, Emily could hear a slight shakiness to the tone of her voice.
"The guy who was packing up the lights."
"Fucking Jack," Alison growled under her breath. She was going to kick his ass the next time she saw him. If she ever fucking hired him again, that is.
"Why did you run from me Alison?" Emily asked using Alison's full name, something she only ever did when she was angry or upset with the blonde.
There it was right there and Alison was expecting it. Emily had always been very direct, even when she was young and shy. But the Emily Alison met after she returned to Rosewood was far more direct and to the point than her younger self.
Alison could try to lie and say she hadn't seen Emily, was just in a hurry to get home, but she knew the brunette would never believe her. And lying was something Alison tried very hard not to do any more. But it was a fine line between telling Emily the truth and the whole truth.
Alison shrugged. "I was shocked to see you. I didn't know you lived in LA now."
"I didn't –"
The sound of a crash coming from the kitchen interrupted Emily's reply.
"Jason," Alison huffed. "What the hell are you doing in there?" The blonde turned around and stalked across the room.
Emily walked a little further into the living room as Pepe stood up and followed Alison into the kitchen. She could hear Alison and Jason arguing on the other side of the wall as she placed the pastry box on the coffee table in front of the sofa.
"You need to leave," Alison hissed angrily.
"I'm not leaving you alone with her," he refused.
"Jason, I'm an adult," Alison replied in a frustrated tone. "You need to just back off right now and go."
"No." There was a sound of more banging and some scraping. "What the hell are you doing Ali? I'm not done fixing that."
"Yes, for today you are," Alison insisted. "You can come back tomorrow but you need to get lost now."
Emily walked over to the fireplace and looked at the two framed photographs resting near the center. One was of Alison, Jason and Pepe at the beach. She knew it was Santa Monica State beach because the pier was in the background.
The second photo was Alison and Cece standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. Emily gasped. Alison had been in Paris sometime in the last six years.
Anger and hurt joined her shock and flared deep in her gut.
"This is a really bad idea, Ali" she heard Jason say in a low urgent tone.
"Jason, just go," Alison's voice took on a shrill edge and Emily wondered what the big deal was. Why the heck was Jason so hesitant to leave Alison alone with her?
"You better call me later," he said after a beat and then Emily heard a door slam. It wasn't until a minute or so later that Alison walked back around the wall followed closely by Pepe.
"Should I take it personally that Jason was clearly not happy to see me?"
"Why did you follow me, Emily?" she asked, ignoring Emily's question as she stepped up beside the sofa.
Emily looked at her incredulously again. "Alison, the last time I saw you, you shoved me out of a burning building and slammed the doors behind me."
"I did what I had to do," Alison replied matter-of-factly as Pepe walked over and plopped himself at Emily's feet again.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Emily blurted out. She rarely cursed but she couldn't help herself. "How could you do that? Do you have any idea what that did to me? I knew you were selfish Ali, but I never thought you could do something like that."
"I did it for you," Alison hissed. "Everything I've ever done is to protect you."
"I didn't need your protection, Ali," Emily hissed right back. "I needed you to live. I thought you died in that building," she finished with a raised voice.
Pepe whimpered softly, clearly not liking the anger radiating off both women.
"Well I didn't," Alison replied harshly. "I have more lives than a cat," she added attempting to ease the tension in the room. She failed miserably.
Emily's mouth dropped open in disbelief. "That's your answer? Seriously?"
"I don't know what you want me to say," Alison replied more calmly than she felt.
Emily turned around and looked out the front window briefly as she tried to calm herself down. Pepe walked over to Alison and nudged her thigh and she reached down and stroked his head. Finally Emily turned back to face Alison.
"Why wouldn't you see me afterward?"
Alison scoffed. "I was a mess Emily. I knew it would hurt you to see me like that."
"Didn't you think that refusing to see me was hurting me? I wanted to be there for you but you or Jason or Cece, whoever it was who insisted on keeping me away, wouldn't let me. And then you were just gone."
"Didn't you read my letter?" Alison asked although she knew Emily did. Cece had told her once how Emily reacted.
"Of course I did. Your letter destroyed me," Emily replied harshly, not caring if her words hurt Alison. Part of her secretly wished it did.
"I'm sorry I hurt you," Alison said honestly. "But I had to go Em."
Emily frowned. She's always thought if Alison apologized, she would feel better. But she didn't. In some ways it made her feel worse.
"I looked for you," Emily said as she stepped closer to Alison. "I went all the way to Paris, thinking maybe you were there" Emily continued as she stepped even closer. The blonde inhaled a startled breath and stepped back. "For years I stayed there just in case you showed up and now I see you were there," Emily flung her arm wide as she motioned to the picture on the mantle. "With Cece. How long were you there? When were you there?"
"It doesn't matter, Emily," Alison replied as she clenched her fists at her sides, digging her short fingernails into her palm, letting the pain help ease her anxiety.
"Yes it does!" Emily replied, her voice rising in volume again as she got right up into Alison's face. Pepe stood up and growled softly. "I hired a private investigator to look for you Alison."
"You think I don't know that?" Alison yelled back. "It wasn't easy keeping one step ahead of you."
Emily stepped back then like she'd been slapped. "You knew I was looking for you and deliberately hid.
"I told you in my letter that I wanted you to move on," Alison insisted. "Why couldn't you just do what I asked?"
"I loved you Alison," Emily replied hoarsely as her anger and hurt started to overwhelm her. "That doesn't just go away because you write me a lame letter and tell me to move on."
Alison felt a sharp pain in her chest at Emily's use of the past tense of that word.
"That letter…. you leaving…. that nearly destroyed me," Emily said again, this time her voice was laced with more pain than anger.
Alison choked back a quiet sob as she pressed her fingernails deeper into her palms. Why the fuck didn't she leave them longer?
"I didn't want you to hold out any hope for me. I never thought I'd be fixed enough to be good for you. I was trying to be unselfish for once in my life."
"That's your problem," Emily replied as her anger flared gain. "You don't know how to be unselfish."
Alison looked away so Emily wouldn't see the hurt her words had evoked in the blonde. "Then I guess we have nothing else to say to each other. I think you should just leave, Emily."
Emily nodded but didn't reply. She knew what she said was harsh but she just couldn't stop the words once they started pouring out of her. It was just too much. Being so close to Alison after all this time was wreaking havoc with her head and heart and she needed to get out of there. So she turned and walked to the door.
Pepe followed her whimpering softly, exactly like Alison wanted to but refused to let herself do. Emily leaving was for the best.
The brunette opened the door, but before she walked out, she turned around and looked at Alison. The blonde was standing there, again with her arms crossed defensively. Emily could see the pain in her eyes, but her own pain prevented her from doing anything more, except saying the next words that came out of her mouth.
"You wanted me to move on. Well you got your wish, Alison. I did."
Alison watched the door close as her vision blurred. She felt Pepe nudge her, not his usual head butt, but a gentler, tentative nudge just to let her know he was there. She sunk to her knees and took a deep breath as she blinked her eyes. Pepe crawled onto her legs and she wrapped her arms around him.
Emily's words hurt, they really hurt, but Alison knew they weren't necessarily untrue.
Thanks to her upbringing and her mother's influence, selfishness was Alison's default. Leaving Emily was her first real unselfish act, but staying away was more selfish than not on her part. Until two years ago. That's when it became an act of self-preservation.
"Oh, Pepe," Alison said as she took a shuddering breath. "What are we gonna do now?"
###################
Emily strode down the walkway and yanked her bike off the ground. She got on and started peddling, heading away from Alison's house as fast as she could. She didn't know where she was going but she wasn't going back to work.
She was so angry at herself. What the fuck was she thinking of following Alison? She risked her job just throwing her chef's hat aside and bolting out of there like a complete lunatic. She was lucky her boss was such a nice guy. When he saw how frantic she was after she blurted out that Alison was a friend, he just handed her the pastry box Alison had left behind and told her to go.
Emily knew she should go back but she couldn't even think about trying to bake right now. French cooking was a very delicate process and she'd surely burn anything she tried to cook. Her next logical option should have been to go home but she just couldn't see Marielle yet. She couldn't deal with the questions her girlfriend would ask about why she wasn't at work.
Marielle knew about Alison. Emily had told her about her first love before they'd gotten together. The brunette had finally decided she'd wasted enough time trying to find the blonde, who clearly didn't want to be found. When she and Marielle met at a cocktail party thrown by her next door neighbor in Paris, Emily told her that she was still getting over someone and wasn't looking to get into a relationship. Marielle took it in stride and suggested just becoming friends.
Emily opened up about her past with Alison and slowly they became closer. Marielle was sweet and understanding and never once told her she was a masochist, for holding out hope, like all her other friends had. Eventually things took a romantic turn and finally two summers ago, Emily decided enough was enough. She was done pining away for a girl who had abandoned her and clearly didn't want her so she and Marielle took the next step and started dating.
Emily pedaled faster heading toward the coast. She turned the corner onto Ocean Avenue and headed north toward the pier. She needed to clear her head before she went home and there was just something about the ocean that calmed her.
She rode down the wooden ramp and chained her bike to one of the bike racks on the deck. She then walked down the stairs leading to the sand. Emily received a few strange looks, which she knew was because she was still in her chef's uniform, but she didn't have it in her to care.
The brunette sat on the bottom step and removed her shoes and socks before stepping onto the sand and walking down to the water. She walked under the pier and a little further south before she found a dry spot just beyond the tide and sat down.
She couldn't believe Alison was here. After all this time, and all her searching, the two of them ended up living in the same city by accident.
Well apparently they both lived in Paris, or at least Alison visited Paris when Emily was living there. Her bike ride had done wonders for helping her calm down but she found herself once again getting angry as she thought about Alison being in Paris and still none of Emily's efforts to find her had done her any good.
And Alison knew Emily had been looking for her and deliberately hid from her. That made Emily even angrier and she grabbed fistfuls of sand in each hand and threw them as she screeched.
Two kids who were playing in the sand nearby looked at her.
"Are you okay lady?" a small red haired boy asked her.
Did he just call her lady?
Emily couldn't help herself, she started to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And laugh. She wasn't even yet twenty five years old and these little kids were calling her lady. What was next? Ma'am?
The thought made her laugh even harder, especially when she heard the kid say to his friend, "Did I say something funny?"
She flopped onto her back and threw her arm over her face as she continued to laugh, choking softly as peals of laughter continued to pour out of her.
"Come one Matty, let's get out of here. She's freaking me out."
Emily heard the two boys scamper off and soon her choking laughs turned into just choking sounds. The tears the leaked from her eyes and ran slowly down the sides of her face sped up as her laughs morphed into sobs. Emily hadn't cried for Alison since that night on her porch. For a long time she was just too numb. Then instead of crying like she wanted to she put all her effort and energy into trying to find the blonde. Then by the time she gave up the search she was too resigned.
Part of her always feared that something had happened to Alison. Emily could only imagine how the blonde suffered after everything that happened in that church basement. She and Jason had lost both their parents in a matter of months, both at the hands of their psycho sister. That kind of thing had to fuck with your head. And after all Alison had been through prior to that, Emily often wondered if it would have put her over the edge.
When Spencer told her she had never been able to track down Jason either Emily feared that perhaps the worst had happened.
But Alison was alive and beautiful and safe. Emily always wondered what it would feel like to finally see her again. After all this time, of all the emotions she figured she'd feel, had felt, it was the heartbreak that had taken her so by surprise.
First it was panic when she saw Alison bolt away; then urgency as she rode her bike around the neighborhood looking for the car Alison drove away in; then relief when she found it only a few blocks away.
Anticipation was next as she waited on Alison's front stoop after knocking; then happiness at seeing her when the blonde opened the door, which quickly morphed into desire as she took in the stunning woman before her.
Then it was anger and hurt that came swiftly as Alison admitted she knew Emily was looking for her and deliberately hid; and finally heartbreak as she realized that her pain and suffering meant nothing to the girl she had loved since she was fourteen.
No one could experience those myriad of emotions in that short amount of time and not be exhausted from it.
Emily remained in her supine position until the tide got close enough that she had to move. She needed to get it together before she went home. Guilt had already begun seeping in. Guilt that she'd felt so many emotions in reaction to seeing Alison again. Marielle deserved better than that from Emily and the brunette didn't know how she was going to tell her girlfriend about it.
Deciding she wasn't quite ready to deal with it yet, she, instead, pushed herself up, dusted the sand off her uniform and slowly walked back to the pier. She put on her shoes again and walked down to the very end and into Mariasol, grateful that she'd both tucked some cash into the pocket of her uniform earlier and that she knew the bartender, because she hadn't brought her ID with her. She and Marielle had visited the restaurant several times in the last couple of months so fortunately he recognized her.
"Hey Brayden," she greeted as she sat down.
"Hey, girl," he smiled as he put a cocktail napkin on the bar in front of her.
"Can I have grande margarita? I mean as grande as you make it."
"On the rocks as usual?" he asked as he set a bowl with tortilla chips and salsa on the bar beside her.
"Yes, with salt too," she added as she grabbed one of the chips from the bowl. She grabbed another and then another as she realized how hungry she was.
He looked around as he mixed the drink. "You alone tonight?"
Emily nodded but didn't reply because her mouth was full of chips and salsa.
"Interesting choice of outfit," Brayden commented casually as he set the margarita in front of Emily.
She took a sip and sighed as the cool liquid slipped down her throat.
"It's a brave choice but actually a good look for you," Brayden added with a smirk after she put the glass on the bar.
Emily snorted softly. "It's my work uniform. I left in a hurry and didn't have time to change."
"Where the heck do you work that they make you wear that," he teased.
"Chez Pierre," she said in her now perfect French accent.
"Ohh, my girlfriend loves that place. The food is a little too foofy for me though."
Emily laughed before taking another sip of her drink. "All French food is foofy."
"The only things I like on that menu are the desserts."
Emily smiled. "That's what I do. I'm the pâtissier." Brayden just looked at her so she added, "I'm the pastry chef."
"So that's why they make you dress like that," he teased again and she shot him a look. "The only thing they care about in the kitchen here is if Miguel wears shoes."
"Ewww," Emily said as she tossed the chip in her hand back into the bowl. "I think I'll stick to just the drinks here from now on. Wait, do you have shoes on?" she asked as she stretched to look over the bar.
Brayden laughed as he made a few more drinks that had come through the printer behind him.
"You want another?" He motioned to her now empty glass.
"Yes," Emily said as she reached for another chip. She was too hungry to care if the cook wore shoes or not. "Keep them coming until I say stop."
####################
Alison vigorously scrubbed the already clean quartz counter top for the third time. Whenever she was angry or stressed or anxious she power cleaned. The counter was sparkling but she just kept scrubbing because if she didn't she was afraid she would lose it. Pepe, sensing her anxiety, hovered by her feet and followed her as she slowly made her way around the medium sized kitchen.
She'd kicked Jason out earlier, when Emily showed up unannounced, and he'd been calling her cell phone every fifteen minutes since then. She picked up the fifth time he called and told him she was fine and to stop fucking calling her. She knew he was just worried and while she appreciated it, she wanted to wring his neck.
Alison turned around and started scrubbing the counter next to the sink and Pepe bumped into her leg again and then yelped when she stepped on his paw. She crouched down and rubbed his paw apologetically.
"Pepe, baby, you've got to give me some room or I'm gonna keep stepping on you."
He head butted her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around him, frustrated that her hands were still shaking, even though Emily had left almost an hour ago.
"God, Alison, fucking pull yourself together," she scolded herself out loud just as she heard the front door open and she surged to her feet and growled. "Jason, I swear to god, I told you I'm fine."
"Calm down, bitch, it's not Jason," she heard from behind her and she whipped around to see the blonde standing in her doorway. A combination of aggravation and gratitude filled her.
"I hate it when you show up unannounced," Alison said blandly rather than acknowledge her real feelings.
"If I'd called you would have just told me not to come." Cece smirked as she tossed her purse on the counter and walked to the refrigerator.
Alison sighed as she sagged against the counter and crossed her arms. "Did Jason send you?"
Cece pulled a bottle of white wine out of the door and turned around. "What do you think?"
"He's such a fucking busy body."
"Grab some glasses and let's go out to the patio. I need a drink to even hear this story so I imagine you need one to tell it."
"I don't want a drink, Cece, and I don't want to talk about this either."
"I don't give a fuck because you're going to. Just grab the fucking glasses."
Alison scowled but took two wine glasses out of the cupboard and followed her friend through the dining area and out the sliding glass doors to the patio. Pepe followed and plopped himself at Alison's feet as she sat at the table.
Cece poured wine in each of the glasses and then placed the bottle on the table. Despite her insistence a minute ago that she didn't want a drink; Alison picked up the glass and took a big gulp of the wine.
"Your hand is shaking," Cece pointed out as she took a drink from her own glass.
"I just came face to face with Emily, what do you expect?" Alison replied as she took another smaller gulp.
"I think it's been over six fucking years." Alison choked on the sip of wine she was taking. And it's not like you haven't seen her in all that time."
"Damn, Cec, thanks for the sympathy," Alison replied as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
"Bitch, I'm not Jason. I stopped coddling you a couple years ago. You need to get the fuck over it now."
Alison shook her head. Leave it to Cece to voice what she was just berating herself for. And her friend was right. Jason still coddled her; still worried she was as fragile as she'd been right after they left Rosewood all those years ago. But she had come a long way and hadn't done anything destructive in a long time now. But she supposed that her history spoke volumes and she couldn't really blame her brother. All they had left now were each other.
"I was the fuck over it," Alison replied but Cece just gave her a skeptical look over her wine glass. "Don't look at me like that. I was…." After a beat Alison finished. "Getting there."
"Uh huh," Cece murmured sarcastically. "Did you know she was living here now?"
Alison shook her head. "No. I stopped keeping track of her two years ago, you know that."
Cece swirled her wine in her glass. "I wasn't sure if you were lying when you said that."
Alison scowled. "Why would I lie about it?"
"Because I kept giving you shit about watching her but never having the balls to just approach her, metaphorically speaking that is."
"I've worked really hard to stop lying, Cece." Cece shot Alison another skeptical look and it was starting to annoy her but she conceded. "At least about the important stuff."
Cece put her feet up on the chair beside her. "Did she know you were here in LA?"
Alison shook her head again as she poured more wine in her glass. It was going down way too smooth tonight. "No. She was as shocked to see me as I was her."
Both women were quiet for a few minutes while they sipped their wine and Alison stoked Pepe's ears.
"So what was it like being in same room with her again?" Cece asked with a cautious tone and Alison appreciated it.
Despite how hard Cece was on her at times, and she appreciated that Cece didn't treat her like she was made of glass, her blonde friend still knew better than anyone, except Jason, how much leaving Emily behind had devastated Alison. In her already completely shattered physical and mental state after the final showdown with Courtney, losing Emily too had almost destroyed her.
Alison took a shuddering breath and she blinked back tears that threatened despite her best efforts to hold them back. "Like I was being electrocuted all over again."
Pepe, again sensing Alison's distress, nudged her fingers with his nose. Alison could see the sympathy in Cece's eyes and she growled. "Don't fucking pity me."
Unfazed by Alison's outburst, Cece just leaned back in her chair. "Tell me what happened."
Alison shook her head again, this time more forcefully. "Cece, I can't right now."
Cece shrugged as she held out her glass and clinked it against the side of Alison's. "Okay. Let's just get wasted instead."
"That's probably a really bad idea," Alison murmured although she reached for the bottle and again poured more wine in her glass.
"Of course it is," Cece smirked. "But when has that ever stopped us?"
Alison took another shuddering breath before she said softly, almost too softly for Cece to hear her. "I'm still so fucking in love with her, Cece."
"I know," her friend replied and that was as that needed to be said. Cece tilted her head as she watched Alison's still shaking hand patting Pepe's head as the dog licked her fingers."You need to put that dog on a diet. He's a big fatty."
Alison choked on her wine coughing at it went up her nose. When she recovered she scowled at her friend.
"Fuck you, bitch, he's not fat. He's just fluffy."
###############
Emily tiptoed into the apartment, quietly closing the door behind her. It was just before eleven and she was sure Marielle was probably asleep, hoped she was actually. She felt terrible about it but she didn't want to face her girlfriend tonight. She stayed at Mariasol longer than she originally intended.
Wednesday nights were typically slow at the bar so Brayden wasn't all that busy. After a couple of margaritas, Emily's tongue loosened enough that she opened up about her encounter with Ali. What was it about bartenders that made people run off at the mouth?
Once she got started, though, she couldn't stop and by the time the whole story was out, Emily once again realized what a colossal mistake chasing after Alison had been.
Emily knew she had to tell Marielle about it but she didn't think she had the courage or energy to do it tonight. So she deliberately stayed at Mariasol as long as she could and still make it back to the restaurant before they closed to change into her regular clothes.
After her forth margarita Brayden had shut her off, and she started drinking water. By the time she left the restaurant, she was able to ride her bike home with no problem. She was later than normal, she usually got home around ten, but Marielle wouldn't find it odd that she was running a little late. If the restaurant had late patrons who wanted a dessert that was made upon demand, it would take Emily a little longer to get her work station cleaned and to rights before she could leave. Emily could only hope that Marielle had fallen asleep already and it would give Emily time to figure out what to say.
Marielle left the light over the stove on and it made Emily smile. Her girlfriend was always so considerate. Something Emily most definitely hadn't been earlier when her eyes were raking desirously over her first love.
Emily walked down the hallway and saw the light in the bedroom was on. There was still a chance that Marielle was asleep but those odds were shot when Emily entered the bedroom and found her girlfriend waiting up for her.
Marielle was draped over the duvet, naked, as she promised Emily she would be. She was reading a book and looked up as Emily stepped into the room. Her lips curved into a sultry smile.
"Welcome home, mon amour."
Emily forced herself to return the smile. "I'm sorry I'm late, Mari."
"The restaurant was busy, yes?" her girlfriend asked.
At that moment, Emily had two choices. She could sit down on the bed and tell Marielle the truth of what happened and that she hadn't been at work. Or she could lie, something she had never done to Marielle. Before she could even stop herself, the words slipped passed her lips.
"All the way to close."
Once the words were out, there was no turning back and Emily felt the remorse rush through her.
Marielle looked at her and Emily felt like she was being scrutinized. She knew there was no way that Marielle could know she was lying, but Emily felt like it was written all over her face.
Marielle placed her book and glasses on the nightstand and held her hand out to Emily. "You look exhausted, chéri. Come to bed."
Emily shook her head. "I'm really grimy tonight. Let me take a quick shower."
That wasn't a lie. She did feel dusty from the sand at the beach and sweaty from her bike ride home. But that wasn't the only reason.
Marielle smiled softly at her. "I'll be waiting."
Emily grabbed some pajamas out of her drawer.
"You won't need those tonight," Marielle called after her as she stepped into the bathroom.
Normally when her girlfriend said something like that, Emily's body would tingle. But tonight there was nothing. Whether it was exhaustion or guilt from both chasing after Alison and then concealing it from Marielle, Emily wasn't sure. But she wondered if this feeling was the equivalent of a guy not being able to get it up.
Emily showered slowly. Then rather than pinning her hair up like she often did, she blow dried it, trying to delay the inevitable before she brushed her teeth so Marielle wouldn't know she'd been drinking. What was normally a ten minute nightly ritual turned into almost thirty minutes and everything she did to cover up what she'd really been doing made Emily feel even worse. So she decided enough was enough. She didn't have to hide. She hadn't done anything wrong by going after Alison and she was going to tell Marielle the truth.
And when she was done, if Marielle hadn't kicked her out of the bedroom, she was going to make her girlfriend come so hard she passed out.
Emily walked into the bedroom, intent on admitting she hadn't been completely honest but she found Marielle under the covers now, on her back with her eyes closed, and already passed out. Her girlfriend was making that soft little noise in the back of her throat, the way she always did if she slept on her back.
Emily was simultaneously disappointed and relieved. She shut off the light and climbed into bed next to Marielle. She slid down and rolled onto her side facing her girlfriend. She slid her arm over Marielle's waist and felt the brunette stir.
"Mmmm," Marielle murmured as she rolled onto her side to face Emily. "I thought you were going to sleep in there."
Emily smiled softly at Marielle's sleepy tone. Her accent was so much stronger when she was tired and sometimes even Emily couldn't understand her.
"Je suis désolée," Emily whispered as Marielle snuggled closer to her.
"You can make it up to me now," Marielle whispered as her lips sought Emily's in the dark.
Emily pushed everything else out of her mind as she slowly responded to her girlfriend's kisses. As her hands roamed over naked flesh, Emily decided that telling Marielle about Alison could wait until tomorrow.
###############
Alison groaned as she rolled over and the sunlight hit her face. She heard a grunt beside her as her elbow connected with something solid yet soft.
"Ow, that was my fucking boob."
Alison rolled again and buried her face in the pillow beneath her. "Don't yell," she whispered hoarsely.
The taste in her mouth was foul and she wondered what had crawled in it and died overnight. Her head pounded and throbbed and her eyes were swollen and achy and crusted over.
Pepe barked from close by and Alison couldn't stop the whimper from escaping her lips.
"Shut your dog the hell up," Cece growled from beside her and Alison realized the poor dog must have to pee something fierce. She usually took him for a walk around six in the morning and based on how bright it was in her bedroom it was clearly much later than that.
"Pepe, I'm coming," she murmured softly. Even just the act of whispering hurt.
Pepe's whimpering turn to low growling as Alison heard him pacing around the bed.
"If your dog bites me in the ass again, I'm going to bite him back this time," Cece warned as she buried her face in the pillow.
Alison rolled onto her back and her eyes fluttered as she struggled to look around her brightly lit bedroom. She pushed into a sitting position.
"He only did that because you were on his side of the bed. I'm on his side today so you're probably safe."
Alison looked over and saw Pepe sitting beside the bed eyeing Cece. "Pepe, come here, baby," she called softly because speaking any louder hurt. The dog growled one more time before he followed instructions.
It was at that moment Alison looked down and realized she was naked.
"Oh, god," she groaned as she looked over at Cece beside her again. The blonde was in only her panties and bra. "Please don't tell me we had sex again."
"Hell no," Cece groaned right back. "And do you have to be so fucking loud?"
Cece rolled onto her side facing Alison now that Pepe had walked to her side of the bed.
"Thank god," Alison sighed with relief as she flopped onto her back.
"You wanted to but I stopped it."
"Thank you," Alison turned on her side and looked at her friend. "But why am I naked?"
"You got pretty aggressive for a while and I couldn't get you to keep your clothes on."
"Why am I such a freak?" Alison groaned under her breath as Cece continued.
"But I eventually distracted you and then you started crying and well..." Cece's voice trailed off because they both knew where she was going.
For a long time whenever Alison overindulged in alcohol she'd become hysterical, for a while she even got violent, but mostly she'd cry. So eventually she and Cece mutually swore off drinking in order to avoid the clusterfucks that happened when Alison indulged a little too much. Finally after a few years of pretty intense therapy, it would only happen after she'd seen Emily.
"This is why you and I shouldn't get drunk together," Alison bemoaned.
Cece scoffed quietly. "This has nothing to do with us getting drunk together. It wasn't me you wanted last night, hun. There's only one girl you ever want."
Alison closed her aching eyes for a minute before opening them again. She didn't need to look in the mirror to know her eyes were haunted. Cece was right. She only ever wanted Emily and no one she'd been with, male or female, had ever been able to change that.
"Besides, Jason was willing to overlook that we'd hooked up a couple of times before we started dating again. I doubt he'd be so generous now."
Alison snorted despite how much it hurt her head to do so. Cece and Jason had been dating again for over a year now and had just recently moved in together. It made Alison's heart happy that her brother and her best friend were together so she was glad she hadn't fucked up with her oftentimes self-destructive behavior.
Pepe barked again from beside the bed and Alison sighed. "I'm surprised I didn't puke."
"Oh, you did," Cece chuckled darkly. "You're gonna have fun cleaning the downstairs bathroom."
"Awesome," Alison replied sarcastically and then heaved herself out of the bed as she felt a little vomit creep up into her throat at the thought of having to clean up downstairs.
"Come on Pepe."
Alison stumbled a little as her head spun. She needed some water and about five Advil.
She found her panties on the chair, then grabbed her jeans from the floor and tugged them up her legs before stumbling again to her bureau to grab a t-shirt. She slipped it on, foregoing a bra because she couldn't deal with the clasp, before walking into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth.
"You didn't tell me I looked like Elvira," she groaned as she looked in the mirror and Cece snickered from inside the bedroom.
Tired of being ignored, Pepe barked again.
Alison brushed her hair and pulled it up into a ponytail before she swallowed back a small handful of pills. Feeling more human, she walked back into the bedroom. She slapped Cece's foot as she walked by the bed.
"Get your ass up and make us something to eat. Pepe and I will be back in half an hour."
"How can you eat?" Cece groaned as she pulled the covers up over her head.
"I puked up everything I ate yesterday, that's why," Alison said as she slipped on a pair of sandals.
"I'm not cooking. Fuck that," Cece replied from under the sheet.
"Fine, we'll go out to breakfast then." Pepe barked his impatience again from the doorway. "Get your ass moving and be ready when we get back," Alison added as she followed Pepe out of the room and down the stairs.
##############
Emily worked carefully and slowly as she prepared the decadent Cocoa Crème Fraiche Cupcakes. It was one of her favorite recipes and it was a hit as the latest addition to the dessert menu
As she beat the butter and sugar in a bowl until it was fluffy, her mind wandered to the events of the last two days.
It still seemed so surreal that Alison was here in LA. The girl she'd loved, the girl she'd searched for and wanted to find for so long was only blocks away. Finally within her reach.
It was a dream come true.
And simultaneously a nightmare. Because it happened just as Emily had finally moved on with her life.
Emily added eggs to the butter and sugar one at a time as she once again pondered what to do.
She still hadn't told Marielle about seeing Alison. The next morning Marielle had to leave for work early and was already gone by the time Emily returned from her morning run. When Emily returned home from the restaurant late that night, Marielle was in a mood, having had a particularly frustrating day at work. So the brunette decided it was not the best time to mention it.
This morning she and Marielle had breakfast together once she'd returned from her run but Marielle had awakened in such a better mood, Emily didn't want to take the chance of ruining it.
In all honesty she was being a coward. Marielle had never been anything but understanding and supportive of Emily's journey to let Alison go. She'd never once shown any kind of jealousy or resentment toward the girl who Emily still carried in her heart and always would. She deserved Emily's honesty and as the brunette slowly added the dry ingredients to the mixing bowl, she made up her mind that she was going to tell Marielle tonight, no matter what.
She hadn't done anything wrong. And if she kept telling herself that, maybe she would start to believe it.
##############
Alison sat in the all too familiar waiting room, shaking her leg anxiously as she waited to see Megan. She'd picked up the nervous habit over the years but only did it when she was anxious and agitated.
Evie, the older woman sitting behind the desk on the other side of the room looked over at her. "Are you sure you don't want a glass of water, Alison?"
"No, thanks," she replied as she scrolled through the calendar on her phone. She had two meetings that afternoon, one at Vogue about her shoot next week and the other with the Food & Wine editor to show him the photos from the Chez Peirre shoot.
A shoot that Alison had now dubbed as one that would live in infamy.
"You're not usually here on Fridays," Evie questioned casually.
"Yeah, well, most Fridays I don't feel like I'm losing it," Alison replied just as casually.
Evie was a nice woman who had been Megan's receptionist for the entire almost three years that Alison had been seeing her. Alison liked her and she liked very few people.
Although the blonde was sure Megan kept their doctor-patient confidentiality intact, she had no doubt Evie knew how crazy she was. The woman had to have overheard her many times because, especially at the beginning, Alison wasn't always calm and collected during her appointments.
The phone on Evie's desk rang and she picked up the handset. "You can go in now," she said to Alison when she hung up.
Alison walked into the office, closing the door behind her. She walked briskly over to the sofa in front of the window and sat down. She toed off her shoes, lifted her legs and tucked her feet beneath her as she pulled one of the throw pillows onto her lap.
She looked expectantly at the woman in the chair across from her.
"You sounded tense on the phone earlier," Megan commented as she looked up from the notepad she was writing on.
"You could say that," Alison scoffed as she ran her fingers along the seam of the pillow.
"It's been a long time since you sought me out on a non-appointment day," Megan stated rather than asked Alison why she was here.
"And your point is?" Alison retorted as she tugged on the pillow fringe.
"You only seek me out like this when it involves Emily."
Alison scowled at how well Megan knew her. Megan looked at her as she waited patiently for Alison to respond.
"She's here."
"In LA?" Megan leaned forward slightly.
Alison nodded as her heart began to race in her chest. "She lives here now. She lives in fucking Santa Monica," Alison replied as she practiced the breathing techniques Megan had taught her. She refused to hyperventilate again.
Megan's brow furrowed and sat back again, getting comfortable. "Why don't you start at the beginning?"
############
It took Alison all of fifteen minutes to tell Megan the story of the last 48 hours. As each minute passed, more of her anxiety vanished. Even though Cece had asked several times, Alison hadn't told her friend what had happened when Emily showed up on her doorstep or what she and Emily had said to each other.
But saying it out loud made it seem less overwhelming and dramatic. This was why she needed Megan. She needed someone on the outside to listen to her. To let her release all the anxiety and emotions without the person panicking she was going fall apart.
Most of Alison's issues had absolutely nothing to do with Emily. Alison's baggage was way more complicated than just one girl. But the brunette was certainly always a trigger for her. That's why Alison finally had to let her go. There was no way Alison was going to move on with her life if she didn't let go of the hope that she and Emily would one day be together. Too much time had passed and knowing Emily had moved on with her life was what finally gave Alison the ability to let her go, as hard and as painful as it was.
When Alison stopped talking she looked at Megan again.
"That was your opportunity to finally say everything to her you've wanted to. Why didn't you?" Megan asked without any judgment or accusation.
"It wasn't the right time."
"Why not?
"Because she was angry at me. Still. Not that I expected anything less," Alison admitted.
"So instead you acted defensively and pushed her away again?"
Alison glared at the woman across from her. Megan never pulled any punches and Alison appreciated it. Not many people did that to her. Only Cece dared and sometimes Jason when he had Cece for backup.
"What was I supposed to do?" Alison scowled.
"Tell her the truth," Megan suggested.
Alison shook her head harshly. "She doesn't need me coming back into her life now. It's better if I just stay away."
Megan moved the notepad on her lap to the table next to her. "Alison, your path to forgiveness and healing is far from over. You've come a long way but you know what you have to do."
"I don't have to do anything I don't want to," Alison replied petulantly even though she knew she sounded like a brat.
"You were ready two years ago."
"You know why I didn't," Alison accused.
"Yes," Megan agreed. "But I don't necessarily agree with your decision."
"You don't have to. This is my fucking life and I decide what I do," Alison's voice rose with each word.
Megan was as calm as ever and it made Alison want to scream louder. "You'll never truly be free of your past if you don't own up to it and ask for forgiveness from those you need it and give it to those you owe it."
Alison ignored what Megan as she often did when she wasn't ready to agree. "I wanted to pounce on her," Alison admitted instead. "And by the way she eyed me I think she did to."
Megan's brow arched. "That probably wouldn't have been the best idea."
"Ya think?" Alison replied sarcastically before sighing and then continuing softly and sincerely. "It hurt so much being back in the same room with her. It was hard to breathe even just being that close to her. I thought I was doing so well. Why does it still hurt so much?"
"Because your feelings for her are still connected to what happened, the horrific experience you all went through. You've never been given the opportunity to separate them."
"But it's been six years, Megan," Alison reiterated again, frustrated by how much just seeing Emily had opened and gutted those old wounds.
"There's no time limit on getting over something like that Alison. Putting one on it is unrealistic and unfair to you.
Alison sighed and sat forward feeling her anxiety and agitation returning.
"While I won't try to diminish what your friends went through at Courtney's hands, Alison, you suffered more than they did, both physically and emotionally. "
Alison reached up and instinctively rubbed the scar on her left breast as Megan continued. "You lost far more and you live with that loss every day."
Alison cracked her neck and shifted uncomfortably. The topic of her parents still always made her want to crawl out of her skin.
"Losing your mother without ever getting answers from her about what happened that night and then losing your father so violently soon after, that's something you have no choice but to accept and learn to live with. And I know out of all your friends Emily was the one you had the most left unresolved with."
Alison scoffed at Megan's diplomatic way of expressing how fucked up everything with Emily had gotten right at the end.
"But carrying hurt and resentment and anger only hurts you, Alison. You'll never get past that if you continue to push Emily away. You'd resigned yourself to never seeing her again and that helped you to move on but now she's here. The universe, for whatever reason, has given you a chance to be honest with her. For better or for worse. You can't have it both ways. You owe her the truth about Courtney as much as you owed it to yourself."
At her limit with Megan's speech Alison stood up angrily. "What the fuck do you expect me to do?"
"Maybe the two of you can become friends again. Why don't you start with that?"
"I don't want to fucking be her friend," Alison growled as she clenched her fists at her side. The small cuts her nails had made in her palms the other day when Emily was there still weren't healed and Alison welcomed the pain as she pressed her nails into them again. "I can't just be her friend. I'd rather be nothing."
Megan sighed softly. "Well that's your choice. But look at yourself, Alison." Megan gestured to the mirror on the wall to her left. "Look at how intense these emotions still are for you."
Alison looked at herself in the mirror and she was shocked at what she saw. Her blue eyes were flashing, her face was flushed, her body was rigid and she radiated anger and hurt like it was oozing out of her very pores. She had thought she let go of all this but evidently she hadn't. Clearly she still had more fucking work to do and it pissed her off. She was so tired and just wanted to live her life and be normal.
She deflated and looked back at Megan. "I wasn't expecting that."
"I was," Megan said easily. "I knew if Emily, or even any of those other girls, ever came back into your life this would resurface and we'd have to deal with it. You're still bottling up a lot even though you don't think you are."
Alison looked back in the mirror. She looked a little less scary and she was grateful for that. "I don't understand why. I didn't have this kind of reaction about Cece and Jason. They were there and part of all of that too."
"You did," Megan replied and Alison gave her a confused look. "You authorized your previous therapists to give me your records when you became my patient, remember? What's happening to you right now happened before. Everything was just so raw at that time because it wasn't long after what happened. But this is expected and part of the process of your healing."
"Great," Alison muttered.
"You have to stop thinking you're crazy for the way you feel and how you react. You are who you are, Alison. And you can't expect anyone else to accept and love you if you can't accept and love yourself.
"I hate it when you lecture me," Alison sighed.
"I know. Get over it. And sit down, we're not done."
Alison chuckled as she sat down. Although she sometimes hated how Megan forced her to face things, she loved the woman fiercely for doing it.
"I don't want to talk about Emily any more. I'm tired."
"Okay," Megan said as Alison settled back on the sofa. "We can let it ruminate for a moment. So why don't you tell me, how's everything else?"
"Fine," Alison replied.
"Work is good?"
"Fine," Alison replied again.
"How's everything in Venice?"
"Fine."
Megan narrowed her eyes. "And with Nicole?"
"Fine," Alison replied yet again.
"Are you going to answer fine to everything I ask you now?"
"What do you want me to say?" Alison smirked.
Now that her blow up had happened, even though nothing was really solved, Alison was feeling infinitely better. That always seemed to happen. She'd let everything she'd been bottling up out in a big explosion and then it would be over. It drove Cece and Jason mad sometimes but like Megan said, she was who she was.
"I want you to answer honestly," Megan encouraged. "I know you and Nicole weren't seeing eye-to-eye on a few things."
"We're working on it. It's not always easy though. I'm not always easy," Alison admitted reluctantly.
Megan sighed again and Alison knew she was resigned to not getting anything else out of the blonde for today. "Our time is almost up, Alison. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Remember, I'm out of town for the next two weeks so if you have anything you want to discuss before I go, this is the your chance."
"I'm all talked out right now."
Megan narrowed her eyes again, not willing to let Alison off the hook. "So what are you going to do about Emily?"
Alison opened her mouth and then closed it again just as quickly before she twisted on the sofa and looked out the window.
"I have no freaking idea," the blonde replied quietly and, as she so often tried to be these days, truthfully.
French Translation
"Je suis désolé" – I'm sorry
Additional Author's Note… read at your own risk… :D
First, thanks for all the honest opinions and suggestions. I appreciate so much when you take a moment to send a review, both positive and negative. Feedback is thought provoking and makes me a better writer, I hope.
As I stated previously, this story is already written, there is just some finessing and flushing out of the last of the story. For those of you who are hoping this will be a slow burn Emison story, I hate to disappoint you. While I enjoy reading those kinds of stories, that isn't how I write.
I love writing Alison and Emily together because they are just sooooo good together. I'm sure I'll probably get there too fast for some and not fast enough for other but I have to remain true to my story and go where the characters guide me. This story will not be like Mermaid, there is much more drama here, but there will be fluff and fun and sexy times… not immediately but we'll get there. I don't think that Ali and Em have to be apart for there to be drama. Ali is still very broken and things don't just become all kittens and rainbows when people get together. Life and love are full of little moments, both good and bad.
Second, one guest reader said that Alison's sexual escapades made him/her uncomfortable. While I thought it was implied, Jack's comment about her sleeping with dogs was a joke. Although not really because Pepe does sleep with her most of the time, just not that way….. ;)
However, let me say, in my personal opinion, Alison has never been, is not and never will be gay. She's bisexual. It's obvious from the show that she was attracted to boys and even girls in a subtle roundabout way. And there is nothing wrong with that. Although I know some people feel she should be, I personally don't feel she needs to be strictly gay in order to love Emily.
Again, although Alison in this story is still very broken from the events of the past, she's strong and brave and sure of herself, at least sexually. These girls are now young women, not teenagers. That's why the story is set as far into the future as it is. They all needed to grow and mature. And Alison is not a skank despite the fact that she's had multiple sexual partners in the last six years. She's comfortable with herself and she enjoys sex. And that's okay.
And FYI… Emily was far from celibate but that part of her life isn't part of this story. Oh, also…. Jack suspects that Alison had a threesome with two of her previous assistants. Whether she did or didn't is Alison's secret and will remain so…. ;) Again… not part of this story.
Third, I've had a very mixed reaction to the tank top and picture on the nightstand. Some think it's sweet and sad and others think it's a bit stalkerish a la "The Roommate" and that Ali is a little bit crazy. The best part…. is they are both a little bit true. And it's addressed later in the story in a way that I hope you all find satisfactory.
Fourth, I also had many readers comment about Emily being a pastry chef. I started this story and decided to make Emily a patissier in December, before 5B started airing and the show showed Emily being absolutely helpless in the kitchen. Please remember this story is completely AU from before the Christmas episode... it is based on my version of what happened at Christmas. There was no Talia... and none of 5B is part of the background of this story.
Finally….. this story is a multi-chapter story, close in length to Mermaid overall, about 10 chapters when all is said and done. And my plan is to have it completely posted by the time season 6 starts.
That's all…. Thanks again, as always, for reading and reviewing. :)