Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone PLL.
I could make a hundred excuses for why it's taken me so long to get this chapter posted or how busy my life has been lately but I won't.
I'll just say thanks for your patience. I wanted to get this whole story posted before the new season started and I'm going to try to catch up but I don't think it will happen. I should be back on schedule with weekly updates from now on though.
Thanks as always for reading and reviewing. It means so much that you take the time. It makes the time I spend writing it worthwhile.
Thanks again to Sophie for the translations.
And now... it's time for some answers….. And maybe a few more questions…. ;)
Enjoy!
Chapter 4
Emily stumbled backward from the force of Alison's body as it slammed into her. Of their own volition, her arms lifted and her fingers pressed into the soft flesh of Alison's hips as she attempted to steady them both. The shock of Alison's lips against her own left her stunned. But it didn't stop her body from instantly and instinctively reacting to the feel of the blonde's curves against her.
Alison trembled as she pressed against Emily and a soft moan escaped her lips before she could suppress it. The last time she was in Emily's arms was the night in the church, just before she shoved the girl she loved out of the burning structure and slammed the door in her face. That was the hardest thing Alison had ever done. Convinced she wouldn't make it out of the church alive, the blonde finally told Emily how she felt because the brunette deserved the truth once and for all. Then Alison kissed her like her life depended on it, believing it would be the last time.
When she survived, Alison relived that moment over and over again, oftentimes wondering if she made the right choice that night. She had needed to unburden her soul when she believed she was going to die. But as the years passed she realized it hadn't been fair of her to tell Emily of her true feelings, only to survive and then vanish once again from her life without a trace.
Everyone, Emily included only just a few weeks ago, always said Alison was selfish. And it was true in many ways. But she honestly believed she had done what was best for Emily. Protecting the girl she loved and her former friends from her psychotic sister was all she'd been thinking about as she slammed those doors and stumbled back down into the church basement. When she woke in the hospital and realized she hadn't perished along with her sister, Alison almost felt robbed of her one attempted truly selfless act.
She knew Emily wanted to see her, both Jason and Cece told her the brunette kept visiting the hospital and then the house after Alison returned home. But as much as she desperately wanted to see Emily, as much as she wanted the comfort she knew the brunette could bring to her, Alison was broken from the events the occurred. She was a shell of her former self and one she didn't want Emily to see.
The events of those final few minutes crushed and destroyed something deep inside her that she never felt would be right again. She couldn't bear to taint Emily with it, so Alison decided, once again, to put the brunette and her well being before her own.
Emily would never understand all the things she'd done to both unmask A and then to finally put an end to her sister's rampage of terror. To this day, Emily and her former friends were still in the dark about everything Courtney had done and what Alison had to do to stop her. There were only three people who knew the truth of everything. Cece, Jason and Megan. Her brother and Cece would protect her with their last breath, she had no doubt, and Megan was legally bound to keep her confidence. But there was always still a gnawing in her gut, one that compelled her to want to seek out and confess her sins to the girl she still loved. To share the deepest part of her soul to the one person who still held every part of her heart. But today that gnawing quickly morphed into desire at the taste of Emily's lips and the feel of her tall lithe body against her.
Alison gripped Emily's sides and tugged her closer as her tongue brushed along the seam of her lips requesting entrance. The brunette tasted even sweeter than she remembered. Alison felt lightheaded as the scent of her mermaid filled her nostrils, surrounding her and consuming her, causing her to whimper in response.
Emily gasped softly and her mouth opened, allowing Alison to slip her tongue inside. The tip brushed against Emily's and the brunette felt the sensation all the way down to her toes. She surged forward and pushed Alison against the desk, deepening the kiss and reveling in the sweet taste of the blonde on her tongue. Instinct and six years of longing took over and one hand slid up Alison's back and into her hair. Emily gripped the silky strands and tugged Alison's head back as their lips met in a slew of desperate and messy kisses.
Alison grunted when her back hit the edge of the desk and her fingers pressed deeper into the base of Emily's spine. She didn't fight when Emily tugged her head back, only surrendered willingly; finally, exactly, right where she wanted to be. Her sprained hand ached as she held on to the brunette as tight as she could, but she never wanted to let go. She arched her back and pressed harder against Emily when she felt Emily's arm pull her closer, feeling the brunette's body shudder against her.
For a very brief second, the thought of pushing Alison onto that large wooden desk and stripping her naked sped through Emily's mind. And in that brief second, Emily started leaning over the blonde, guiding her backward. But reality slammed into her almost as quickly and her mind cleared as memories of another night long ago flooded her mind. Disgust and guilt flooded her body and she pushed away from Alison.
"What the hell are you doing, Alison?" she gasped as she deliberately stepped back needing to put even more distance between them.
Alison shook her head as she fought to clear it. She was lightheaded and dizzy and tingling all over.
"I might have started it but you're the one who just tried to devour me whole," the blonde panted as she lifted her fingers to her swollen lips. "I'd apologize but it would be a lie," Alison said her breathing ragged and her blue eyes stormy and dark. "And I try not to do that anymore."
"This isn't why I came here," Emily panted, her breathing just as ragged as Alison's. The loss of the blonde's lips and body against hers left Emily feeling momentarily bereft. She really needed to get out of here before she did something she regretted.
"Obviously," Alison said drolly as she pushed herself away from her desk and stood on shaky legs.
"I have a girlfriend," Emily said almost as if to remind herself.
Alison made a scoffing sound in the back of her throat. "That didn't matter six years ago."
She shouldn't have said the words but they just slipped out before she could stop them.
Emily looked at Alison like she had been slapped and she crossed her arms defensively. "Oh is that how you want to do this? You lash out at me and hope I'll get so angry and hurt that I storm away and you get out of having to give me answers?"
Alison knew she should apologize but instead she lashed out. "Will it work?"
"No," Emily replied as she finally caught her breath. "I let my anger get the best of me that night in your living room but I'm not going to do it now. I want answers Alison. I deserve them."
Alison shook her head in frustration. "I can't do this with you Emily."
"You don't have a choice," Emily insisted. "You owe me some answers." Alison looked at her defiantly and it only made Emily more determined to get the answers she sought. "After you answer my questions, I'll walk out of here and you never have to see me again but I'm not leaving until you tell me what I want to know."
Alison grunted under her breath and closed her eyes. Emily took this as acquiescence and she took a deep breath before she asked. "Why did you leave me?"
"I told you already," Alison said as she opened her eyes and looked at the woman in front of her. Even when she was frustrated beyond belief with Emily, Alison still craved the sight of her.
"It wasn't a good enough answer," Emily replied echoing the words she said to Alison all those years ago in the theater in New York.
Alison dropped down into the chair beside her. "I didn't leave you, Em. I left Rosewood."
"Same thing," Emily snapped as sat in the chair opposite Alison.
"No it's not," Alison insisted tiredly. She had a feeling this conversation wasn't going to be short unless one of them got fed up and stormed out and she was already exhausted by it.
"You knew leaving like that would break me." Emily voice reflected the hurt she still felt even after all this time. "And you did it anyway."
"I did it for you."
"You did it for you!"
"Okay, fine. Yes, I did it for me," Alison conceded. "But I did it for you too. I would have ruined us both if I'd stayed."
Emily's body sagged as she sat back. She always thought that hearing Alison admit she had selfishly abandoned her would make her feel better. But it didn't.
"Em," Alison said softly now determined to give Emily the honesty she sought even though she didn't want to go into details. "I don't do apologies well. I never have. But there is nothing in my life I'm sorrier for than all the times I hurt you."
"Thank you," Emily said because she finally believed Alison's words, but they still weren't enough. "But that doesn't really answer my question why?"
"I don't know what you want me to say," Alison snapped losing her temper again. Why couldn't the brunette just take her apology and move on?
Emily looked at her expectantly and it almost made Alison laugh because her mermaid was just as stubborn as she was. It looked like she wasn't going to get out of it after all so she finally replied.
"I could barely stand look at myself in the mirror after that night, never mind look in all your faces, knowing what Courtney did to all of you."
Emily's brow furrowed and Alison ached to smooth it out with her fingertips.
"Why didn't you ever tell me about Courtney?" Emily asked.
Alison looked startled for a minute by the question. "Because I thought she was dead," she finally said slowly.
"I can't believe your parents lied to you about that. How could they?"
"That's something I'll never know the answer to now," Alison replied flatly and it made Emily ache for her.
"When I woke up in the hospital after the fire, it was like living it all over again," Alison continued deciding it took too much energy to keep hiding from Emily. This was her chance to be honest and she was going to take it. "The last time I woke up in a hospital like that I was five, when Courtney stabbed me. That's why I hated them. I would never go near them after that."
"I remember freshman year when you cut your knee open in gym," Emily said as the memory of an afternoon long ago came back to her. "The nurse wanted to take you but you refused to go. Then your mom showed up at the nurse's office with a doctor in tow to stitch it up."
Alison reached down and absently rubbed her fingers over the scar on her kneecap.
"She knew I wouldn't go. The time I visited Hanna, after Mona ran her down, was the first time I was in a hospital since the day I was released. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate every second I was there but I had to make sure Hanna was okay."
Emily could see the truth in Alison's eyes as she spoke. "What happened with Courtney, Alison? Why did she stab you?"
"Because she was a psycho," Alison replied quickly as if that was the only explanation that was needed. But the arch in Emily's brow told Alison even though she agreed, that, too, wasn't a good enough answer.
"She was jealous I guess, at least from what I know now. I asked my mom and dad why she did it to me and my mom told me she was sick." Emily could see the emptiness in Alison's eyes as she spoke, one that spoke of a five year old girl's loss and pain and confusion. "Then I asked where she was and my dad said she had died from her sickness. I felt so hollow, like a piece of me was gone. I had so many questions but they refused to answer."
Alison shifted in her chair uncomfortably. Talking about Courtney made her skin crawl and she usually only talked about her to Megan. But now that she'd started, she knew she had to finish. "They took every evidence of her existence and locked it away and we were all forbade to ever mention her again."
"Why didn't anyone in Rosewood know about Courtney?"
"We didn't move to Rosewood until a couple of years later."
"Then how did your mom and Spencer's dad have an affair that resulted in Jason?" Emily asked confused by the timing.
"Because our parents were friends from college. After Jason was born and Spencer's mom found out about the affair, they stopped being friends. When we moved to Rosewood I think my mom deliberately bought the house next to them just to torture Victoria."
"How did your dad not know about Jason?"
Alison shrugged. "I think he did but he looked the other way. Either that or he was a masochist. He wasn't the man I always thought he was so who knows how much any of them knew," she added as an afterthought.
"What Courtney did to you was horrifying, Ali," Emily said getting back on topic. Her use of Alison's shortened name made the blonde's heart flutter in her chest despite the knot lodged there from talking about her sister. "But that wasn't fair of your parents. She was your twin. There's a connection between twins, isn't there?"
"Yes," Alison replied. "And I can't believe I didn't just know she was still alive. But that's why I was always so angry and defiant. I never forgave either one of them for erasing her. But now I know why they did it."
Emily leaned forward eager to hear more now that Alison was willingly talking.
"When did you figure out she was alive and she was A?"
Alison sighed and started twisting her hands together. "Emily I really don't want to relive this. I don't know why you would either."
"I don't want to relive it," Emily replied wanting to reach out and stop Alison from fidgeting, but she held back. "I just want to understand, Ali. Every answer we got that night in the church just produced more questions."
"What makes you think I have them?"
"Because you always had more answers than all the rest of us combined."
Alison sighed again and stood up. She started pacing beside the chairs and Emily sat back and watched her. She felt bad insisting Alison relive all of this but the brunette's need for closure overrode it. And in order for her to have closure she needed more answers.
"There were little things that made me suspect," Alison said as she expelled a short breath. "Things that were off and not quite right; others that were eerily familiar and reminiscent of my childhood. I think by the time I finally figured it out, she had decided she was ready for me to know anyway. I confided in Gabe when he came to my house to let me know I passed my polygraph test," Alison continued referring to Holbrook by his first name. It made Emily cringe a little. "I had no one else I dared tell so I told him."
"You could have told me," Emily said as she looked up at Alison who had come to a stop almost right in front of her.
"You had made it pretty clear you didn't want anything to do with me by that point," Alison's tone was accusatory though that wasn't her intention. But it still hurt to remember what she still viewed as Emily's abandonment.
Emily frowned because she couldn't dispute Alison's words. She had turned her back on the blonde like all of their friends. Looking back, after all these years, she knew she owed the blonde an apology of her own.
"He's a cop, Alison," she said instead, focusing on how Holbrook's actions contributed to what happened that night. "He had a responsibility to report that information to his colleagues even if you asked him to keep it confidential. He put all of us in danger, but especially you, by keeping that secret."
Alison didn't disagree because Emily was right, but Alison had always been pretty persuasive. It was both her blessing and her curse.
"At first he didn't believe me." She sat back down in the chair. "But once I showed him all the evidence, he agreed that no one else should know. He realized and understood the danger when I told him what happened the night my mom buried me alive, which is pretty much how I figured out it was Courtney. So he and I came up with a plan to trick Courtney into thinking I wasn't on to her so we could hopefully flush her out. I should have known better than to try to trick her. You'd think I would have learned my lesson but I can be pretty stubborn sometimes."
Emily shot her a look and Alison bit back the scathing remark that settled on her tongue. She didn't want to fight with Emily.
"I remember her saying she knew what the two of you were up to."
Alison nodded. "Yeah and that obviously made her desperate and she decided it was time to end the game in a dramatically explosive way."
"I never had a chance to tell you how sorry I was about your dad," Emily said sincerely albeit hesitantly.
Alison inhaled a quick breath and Emily saw her eyes darken and cloud over.
The blonde felt a crushing weight in her chest which always appeared when she thought about her father from that night; and how his very last thought was probably how Alison had turned on him. She still carried very conflicting feelings about her parents and what they'd done to both her and Courtney. Clearly Courtney was sick but with Megan's help Alison realized that her parents essentially abandoning her in a mental institution had driven her twin to retaliate in the violent way she had.
Alison and Megan had worked hard to help her deal with her responses to the memory of that night. Megan said she suffered from PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, which stemmed not only from the events of that night, but going all the way back to Courtney stabbing her since her parents never allowed her counseling after it happened. Couple that with her mother burying her alive and all the torture she endured at Courtney's hands afterward, Alison often wondered how she wasn't in an institution herself.
"Thank you," Alison choked out the only words she could.
"I wanted to be there for you, Ali, after all of it," Emily said honestly. "I wish you had let me."
"I wish I had been able to let you," Alison confessed quietly.
"The whole town wondered what happened to you and Jason. They waited for an announcement of a memorial service or burial but then you and Jason just left. The paper reported that your dad and Courtney's bodies were transferred from the morgue via a private transport company but that was it."
Alison felt her hands begin to shake, so she stood up and moved behind her desk before sitting down again, trying to hide it from Emily.
"There wasn't much left of either of their bodies," Alison admitted with a look a disgust. She had never seen the final remains, just went by what Cece had told her. "Jason just wanted to bury them both and be done with it but he gave in to my insistence that we take them with us. We had my mother's body dug up and we had all of them, including my grandma who passed away a few months later, cremated and their ashes dropped in the ocean off the coast of Georgia."
"Spencer mentioned that your mom's body was moved, but she didn't know where."
"Spencer is always too fucking nosy," Alison scoffed.
"Did you-" Emily started but then stopped. She almost asked Alison if she was aware that the others knew where she was, but decided that wasn't worth getting into. Hanna had said both Jason and Spencer made the decision to not tell either of them so Alison was probably as unaware as she was. It wasn't worth dredging up now.
"Did I what?" Alison asked.
"Nothing," Emily said as she shook her head and then she jumped into her next question to keep Alison from insisting she answer. "Alison, why did you let me look for you all that time? For years looking for you was all that mattered to me. If you no longer wanted me all you had to do was tell me."
"I never stopped wanting you," Alison said fiercely and it stunned Emily.
"Then why did you let me suffer like that?" Again Emily's voice was laced with hurt she obviously still felt.
"I kept thinking you'd give up," Alison replied truthfully. "And eventually you did," she added as that knowledge once again left a cramp in her stomach.
"Because I couldn't keep putting my life on hold," Emily replied with exasperation. "No one understood why I had to do it. My parents were so angry with me for postponing my enrollment to Danby just so I could look for you."
"You got into Danby?" Alison asked but there wasn't much surprise in her voice.
"Yeah," Emily nodded.
"Did you get a scholarship for swimming?" The right side of Alison's lips curled up as she fought back a smile. Of course her mermaid would get a swimming scholarship.
"No, my competitive swimming was over in high school," Emily replied and she didn't need to elaborate for Alison to know it was because of what Courtney had done to her. And Alison's half smiled turned into a frown.
She knew Emily didn't attend Danby because she was searching for her, but Emily still deserved the scholarship because she truly was more graceful in the water than a mermaid.
"Do you still swim?" Alison asked softly.
"Sometimes," Emily shrugged. "I still love it but my shoulder can only take so much so I run and bike more than anything now."
"Em, I'm sor-" Alison started because she couldn't hold back the words any longer.
"It's not your fault, Ali," Emily interrupted her. "Nothing Courtney did was your fault. She was sick and no matter what other things you did or lies you told, what she did and who she hurt is completely on her. I don't care if you were twins, Ali; you are nothing like her at all."
Alison's heart throbbed at Emily's fervent words but she still shook her head. "You don't know that Emily."
"Yes, I do," Emily insisted and her tone broached no room for argument.
"You always tried to see the best in me. Even when I was a horrible and cruel bitch," Alison said ruefully. "I carried around so much resentment and sorrow inside me. So much fear. And even when it manifested itself as the nasty person I turned into, you still tried to see past that." Alison's eyes softened as she looked at the brunette. "I loved you so much for that. You're the only one who wanted to see anything different than what I projected to the world."
Emily was impressed by how sincere and honest Alison was being but she tried not to focus on the fact that Alison said she loved her. But it was all she could think of. "I always knew there was good in you, Alison. That's why it hurt so much when you acted cruelly."
"You were the only one I let in. I hoped you would see what was underneath." Alison shrugged. "Cece saw through my bitch persona too but it was different. She liked the bitch and even tried to cultivate that side of me in some ways. She wasn't a very good influence."
"You and she are still friends though," Emily said trying to understand.
"She's my best friend," Alison admitted. "It's hard to explain Cece. When I first met her, she became like the sister I lost. She was older and I looked up to her and she looked out for me even after she and Jason broke up. My parents didn't like her, especially my mom, but she didn't try to change me. She accepted me exactly as I was."
"I accepted you the way you were. Even when you hurt me."
"I know, but you were different." Alison smiled sadly. "I never had any feelings other than friendship and sisterly affection for Cece. When I started having feelings for you, more than friendship, I ran to her and told her. She didn't look at me with disgust or like I was crazy for having feelings for a girl. She introduced me around to some of her friends and that's when I went really wild." Alison's smile turned wry. "She fostered that and even she admits now that she didn't do what was in my best interest back then, but we were all young and kinda stupid. Hindsight is twenty-twenty."
"So why are you still friends then?" Emily asked curiously.
"Because she's my only real friend," Alison said truthfully. "She was there for me after all of that. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her and Jason. She picked me up and dusted me off and told me to get my shit together. She doesn't sugar coat things and I need that in my life. She knows when to coddle me and when to kick my ass and I love her desperately for it."
"I would have been there for you." Emily's voice was soft and Alison could still hear the hurt her rejection caused the beautiful brunette.
"Em, you have no idea what I was like. You would have been terrified of me. I was terrified of me. And I'd hurt you so much already. I knew leaving you would hurt but it would be like a band aid you tear off. The jolt of it brings tears to your eyes but the pain fades quickly afterward."
"My pain did not fade quickly," Emily said as anger surged through her again. "I loved you Alison and you told me you loved me. How can you just abandon someone you supposedly love? I don't understand that."
"I would have hurt you so much worse if I had let you watch me drown in the guilt and remorse and the loss I was feeling," Alison said with exasperation. "I know you won't ever fully understand, Em, but this is the God's honest truth," Alison emphasized each of her next words so Emily would have no doubt. "It was because of how much I loved you that I had to go. I couldn't bear to look you in the eye after everything I'd done."
"Alison, I told you, you didn't do anything," Emily said getting frustrated with the blonde again. She didn't want to after the genuine conversation they just shared but she couldn't help it. "That was Courtney," she insisted.
"You don't have any idea what I'm capable of, Emily," Alison replied with frustration of her own. She did not want to go here with Emily but the brunette was giving her no choice. "You may have known me better than the others but I never really let you see all of me. Not the real me."
"Well let me see the real you now," Emily demanded. "Why are you still hiding from me Alison?"
"Because I doubt very much you'll like what you see," Alison spat.
"We'll never know if you don't let me," Emily said not willing to be deterred.
"Why can't you just let this go?" Alison shouted as she stood up again.
"Because I need closure Alison," Emily shouted right back and stood as Alison took a step closer to her.
Alison didn't like that word when it came from Emily. Closure meant there would never be any chance for them. And as much as she insisted to herself and Cece and Jason, and even Emily, Alison would never give up hope that one day she and the brunette would have a chance.
Alison let the desperation of that thought take hold and as she often did, she lashed out.
"You want closure, Emily? Do you really want to know who the person you used to love really was?" Alison taunted. "Are you sure because there is no going back once you do?"
"The real you doesn't scare me Alison," Emily scoffed. "You're just trying avoid being completely honest with me."
Alison let out a frustrated screech before she looked at Emily unflinchingly. "Do you think I went back into that church to check Courtney's pulse, Em? Are you really that naïve?"
Before Emily could reply, Tim poked his head around the wall, clearly having heard the arguing from the other side of the studio. "Uh… is everything alright back here?"
"Go the fuck home, Tim," Alison barked as she glared at him.
His eyes opened wide and he pulled his head back. Emily heard him scurrying across the studio floor and then heard the front door open and then slam behind him. It broke the tension for a moment and Emily couldn't hold back her chuckle.
"I think you scared the pants off him."
"He's used to it," Alison said sharply and it brought Emily back to the moment as Alison's last words to her hung in the air around them.
"What are you telling me, Alison? What happened when you went back in the church?"
Alison narrowed her eyes but she braced herself for Emily's reaction.
"I went back there to make sure she was dead. There was no way I was taking the chance that she would slip out of there." Alison hesitated for a moment before she continued. "So I went back down and hit her three more times with that wrench."
Emily tried to mask her shock but she could tell from Alison's look that she didn't. She said the only thing she could think of at the moment. "That was self defense, Ali."
"Please, Em, don't kid yourself," Alison scoffed as she rolled her eyes. "It wasn't self defense. She was still unconscious when I hit her but there was no way I was going to let her hurt any of you again. Hurt me again." The last three words came out as an almost choked sob as she looked away.
"It was self preservation then." Emily's voice was quiet and firm.
"Why are you making excuses for me?" Alison's eyes whipped back to Emily and they were blazing.
"Why are you trying to vilify yourself?" Emily shot back knowing exactly where Alison thought process was going.
"I killed her Emily. Don't you get that? I killed my own sister."
"And she killed both your parents and would have killed all of us."
"That's not the point." Alison threw her arms up in the air. Emily was not reacting the way she expected.
"How do you know she wasn't already dead?"
Alison's entire body tightened and she clenched her fists as she spoke deliberately. "I didn't check her pulse to see, Emily. If she was already dead I didn't care. But if there was any chance she wasn't, I was going to make sure she was."
"If you're waiting for me to judge you, it's not going to happen."
"You just don't get it."
"Actually yes I do. I've killed someone too, Alison," Emily said softer now, referring to Nate.
Alison's loosened her fists because her hand was now aching. "What you did, Em, was self defense. What I did wasn't."
"I'm not going to judge you for that Ali. You suffered at Courtney's hands in ways that none of us did, that none of us could ever really comprehend." Emily reached out and took Alison's uninjured hand in hers because she felt the blonde needed her touch as much as Emily felt the sudden need to give it. "And if I'm honest I don't blame you for leaving Rosewood. I would have too. I just wish you hadn't left me. Or told me where you were going. If you needed space, Alison, I would have given it to you, but I also would have followed you anywhere."
"I know," Alison said as she squeezed Emily's fingers briefly before she pulled her hand away. Emily's touch, although desperately wanted and appreciated, just made Alison ache more for the girl who wasn't hers. "That's why I couldn't tell you."
Emily stepped back because she could sense Alison wanted space.
"Have you ever been back to Rosewood?" Alison hesitated so Emily knew the answer. "I haven't," the brunette confessed. "Not even once since I left. My mom moved to Texas to be with my dad and they sold the house. Spencer told me your old house burned down about six months later."
"They couldn't prove it was arson," Alison murmured casually although she was a little bewildered Emily had moved past her confession so quickly.
"You sound like you think it was," Emily said hesitantly.
Alison looked at the woman in front of her, debating, before she finally answered. "I know it was because I did it."
Emily didn't look surprised this time. "Why?"
"Because no one should grow up in that house. There were too many secrets and lies and deception and death there. Those kinds of things live in the walls and taint anyone who comes inside."
"So you torched it?" Emily almost sounded impressed.
"Yes," Alison answered matter-of-factly. "I set that thing on fire and I watched it burn."
"Spencer's house could have caught on fire too, you know." Emily didn't say the words as a reprimand but Alison took them that way. "Those woods between your houses went up too."
"I know," the blonde shrugged. "I turned the sprinklers at the edge of the yard on full blast so that ground was wet. That's what held it back."
"Did it give you closure you needed?"
There Emily went using that word again. Alison was really beginning to hate that word.
"Yes. I burned it to the ground, collected the insurance money and then I sold the land back to the town. I heard they built some kind of neighborhood dog park on it. I don't think the Hastings appreciated it." Alison smirked despite herself. "But the money came in handy."
"They sold their house a few years ago and moved to Boston when Spencer's parents got back together."
"Hmm," Alison murmured not really sure what else to say.
"Do you think this is going to change how I feel about you?"
"I don't know how you feel about me, Em, although I suspect."
"I don't know if you do," Emily murmured although she didn't mean to say it out loud.
"I always wanted to be a better person for you. But all I've ever done is fail at that."
"All you ever had to do was be yourself, Alison. All I ever wanted was you, exactly as you were."
"Past tense being the key here," Alison said peevishly.
Emily didn't dare contradict her because she feared where that may take them so instead she asked the last question she needed answered.
"Why did you change your last name?"
Alison opened her mouth the reply but then her phone rang. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or pissed. She grabbed it off her desk and lifted it to her ear.
"Hey, Nicole, what's up?"
Emily watched Alison's face as she spoke to the person on the phone. She recognized the name as the same person who called that day at the skate park.
"Again?" Alison was silent for a moment. "I thought we'd settled this." Another pause. "Gabe was supposed to handle that."
Gabe? What did Holbrook have to do with this person on the phone? Alison lifted her injured hand and scratched the side of her nose, reminding Emily of one more question she still had.
"Tell her I'll be there in a little bit," Alison said before she hung up the phone and tossed it onto the desk with a small sigh.
"Is everything alright?"
Alison nodded but Emily could see she was distracted now.
"What's going on with you and Holbrook?"
Alison looked genuinely surprised. "Why would you ask me that?"
"I saw you with him." When Alison's brow furrowed Emily continued. "That day in Venice. I saw you talking to him at a restaurant on the boardwalk. Is he the one that hurt you?" Emily asked as she motioned to Alison's hand.
Alison shook her head. "No. This was an accident."
"I overheard Cece and you talking when I arrived," Emily confessed. "I heard her say 'it's always an accident.' What did she mean?"
"It's not polite to eavesdrop, Em" Alison said amusingly. "What would Pam think?"
"I wasn't eavesdropping." Emily defended. "You and Cece weren't exactly being quiet."
"Do you realize that the last actual conversation we had was a fight about him?"
Emily frowned as she was again reminded of that night in Alison's house.
"How is he even still in your life?" Emily asked trying and failing to not feel resentful that she'd been without Alison for over six years and Holbrook hadn't.
"It's a long story and I have somewhere I have to go now." Alison opened the desk drawer and pulled her purse out.
"You never answered my question about your name either," Emily reminded as she watched Alison slip her cell phone into her purse and then shut down her computer.
Alison debated for about all of two seconds before she turned to face Emily and blurted out.
"If you want to come with me, it will answer both of your questions."
##################
The relatively short drive to their destination was quiet. Both women were reeling a little from their conversation. Emily from everything Alison had told her. The way the blonde opened up to her after their initial screaming match and the honesty Alison gave her was gift Emily never expected. She expected Alison to keep pushing her away. But by the time the blonde's cell phone rang, Emily had many of the answers she'd been seeking. Not all of them were satisfactory and there were still more she wanted so when Alison invited her along on her errand she couldn't say no.
Alison was reeling because she couldn't believe how effortless it was once she opened up to Emily. The brunette had always been easy to talk to so she shouldn't have been surprised. Emily was the one person who always made her feel safe enough to be herself even though she always held something back.
Alison had worked hard to build a life without Emily, believing that she would never have another chance with her. Like the brunette she'd resigned herself to never being with the one person she knew she'd always love. But here she was bringing Emily with her, showing her what she had done with her life to try to atone for her past sins.
And she was terrified.
Not terrified Emily wouldn't understand or would judge her. But terrified that the girl she still loved would see that she was getting along just fine without her and walk out of her life again, this time forever.
And it only took the past hour of fighting and confiding and confessing to the brunette for Alison to know she wouldn't survive letting Emily go again.
So, clearly, she was thoroughly fucked.
Alison brought the car to a stop and shut off the engine. "We're here," she said almost hesitantly.
Emily looked to her right and saw a large three story house, almost Victorian in design. There was a two car garage at the end of a long driveway and a large stone wall that surrounded the perimeter.
A sign sat in the center of the front lawn.
"Fields House?" she asked as she looked back over at Alison.
"It's a home for runaway teens. Mostly girls but we don't turn anyone away so we have two boys right now too."
"This is what you spent the insurance money on," Emily said rather than asked because she already knew the answer.
Alison nodded.
"Why?" Emily asked unable to look away from the sign with her last name on it. Her and now Alison's last name.
"I spent two years alone on the streets, Em," Alison replied. "I was smart and resourceful so I survived. But over five thousand runaways die each year, although that statistic is probably low."
Emily dragged her eyes away from the sign and looked at Alison again.
"This is a place they can come and get off the streets. We get them counseling and depending on their age we help them get jobs or get back into school. We give kids who are at their lowest or who are running from dangerous situations a safe place."
"But why Fields House?"
"The same reason I changed my last name." Alison took a deep breath before she continued. "You are the one good thing I ever had in my life, the only person I felt safe with so it seemed fitting. Walking away from you nearly destroyed me but taking your name and putting it on the foundation was my way of keeping you with me."
Emily was speechless so Alison kept going. She needed Emily to know everything now.
"I had to change my last name, Em. What happened with Courtney made national news. I got fed up with the reactions when people heard my last name and then figured out who I was. I considered taking my mom's maiden name, that's what Jason did, but it didn't feel right." Alison paused for a second. "Fields felt right."
"I don't know what to say." Alison smiled at the dumfounded look on the brunette's face. She didn't take her confusion as an insult, just a reaction to information overload. Alison had laid a lot on her today.
"I can't say I'm completely surprised," Emily added as the look in her eyes softened. "Because I knew you had this in you. But this is a side of you that I've never seen, Ali."
Alison flushed with happiness at Emily's words. She didn't need validation from Emily that what she was doing was right, but it felt so fucking good to know Emily wasn't shocked that she was capable of it.
"Well let me show you then. You want to see inside?"
Emily nodded her head silently, overwhelmed with the woman in front of her. She watched Alison exit the car and walk around to step on the sidewalk. Emily opened her door and stepped out beside her.
Alison reached for Emily's hand and entwined their fingers. She ignored how Emily's body froze momentarily and waited for her to relax, finally feeling Emily's fingers squeeze her own gently.
That's when Alison smiled.
"Welcome to Field's House, Em."
################
The second Alison walked in the door, the chaos started. A young girl, who couldn't have been more than thirteen came bounding down the stairs and hurled herself at the blonde.
"Alison," she squealed as she hugged the woman around the waist. "I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow."
Alison stumbled slightly but she didn't scold the girl, which Emily almost expected. Two large dogs, a yellow lab and a german shepherd came scurrying into the room from around the wall barking and jumping excitedly.
Emily took in the sight in front of her, watching Alison laugh as the dogs bumped into and tried to jump on the petite blonde.
"Hi Ruby," Alison greeted the young girl before she looked down at the two dogs vying for her attention. "Hi Frankie. Hi Johnny," she said as she scratched their heads.
"Hey Alison," two girls called from the living room on the right where they were doing what looked like homework on the coffee table in front of the sofa.
Emily noticed a guy who reminded her of a line backer standing in the far corner of the large foyer watching the scene in front of him stoically, unfazed by all the commotion Alison caused with her arrival. But everyone else was clearly very excited to see Alison and Emily felt a lump form in her throat.
Who was the woman standing in front of her?
"Where's Pepe?" Ruby asked as she looked around Alison. Emily smiled at her and she stepped back with a nervous look on her face.
"That isn't the lady from social services is it?"
"No," Alison replied as she squeezed the girl's shoulder. "She doesn't come until Monday."
"Oh," Ruby said clearly relieved.
"And I came here from work so Pepe isn't with me. I'll bring him by this weekend."
The german shepherd whimpered a little at the sound of Pepe's name and Emily wondered if the dog was a girl.
"Who's this?" Ruby asked and Alison smiled at the petulant tone of her voice. The girl liked to monopolize Alison's time when she was at the house and Alison usually came alone so Ruby clearly wasn't happy about the unwanted visitor.
"This is Emily," Alison said as she looked over at the brunette.
"Hi Ruby," Emily said as she smiled.
"Oh, good, you're here," came a woman's voice from the large dining room on the left before Ruby could reply. Though Alison suspected she might not have answered anyway.
Emily looked over and saw a woman, close to six feet tall, walking up to them. She had long dark curly hair and looked to be in her thirties. "You just missed Gabe. He said he'll call you later. Oh, hello," she said noticing Emily standing in front of the door.
"Nicole, this is Emily," Alison introduced. "Em, this is Nicole."
Nicole's eyes met Alison's briefly and Emily wondered if the woman knew who she was.
"Hi Emily, nice to meet you," she greeted as she held out her hand.
"Nice to meet you," Emily replied as she took the woman's hand in her own.
"Nicole runs the house," Alison said as she stumbled slightly as the yellow lab tried to jump on her again.
"Ruby, take those dogs out back please, they're driving me bonkers," Nicole said and Ruby looked over at Alison.
"It's alright. I won't leave until I come see you."
"Okay," Ruby said reluctantly as she tugged on the dog's collars and led them back through the dining room and into the kitchen.
"Is she still here?" Alison asked Nicole who nodded her head.
"She's upstairs in her room."
"Em, I'll be right back. I just have to talk to one of the girls."
"Don't worry about Emily. I'll keep her occupied," Nicole said as she shooed Alison away before slipping her hand into Emily's arm and leading the still out of sorts' brunette toward the kitchen.
Emily looked briefly over her shoulder as she reached the entrance of the kitchen and she could see Alison scowling as she walked up the wide staircase to the second floor.
"Do you want some coffee?" Nicole asked as she released Emily's arm and walked over to the counter.
The kitchen was large and bright and spanned the entire length of the back of the house. It was modern with a double farm sink in front of the bay window that overlooked the backyard. It had an eight burner gas stove, three ovens, an island in the middle with a breakfast bar, and a large rectangular table that took up the entire right side of the room. It had enough chairs to seat at least a two dozen people around it.
"Sure, thanks," Emily replied a little overwhelmed.
"Have a seat. She may be a little while. Melanie isn't the easiest girl to get through to."
Emily took a seat at the breakfast bar and accepted the coffee cup Nicole handed to her.
"It's nice to finally meet you Emily. I've heard a lot about you over the years."
Why did Emily find that surprising? Alison wasn't the type to confide in people she wasn't close to so just how close were she and Alison?
"I'm not sure how to reply to that," Emily answered honestly.
"You don't have to say anything. Why don't you let me tell you a little about this place instead?"
Emily nodded as she sipped her coffee, relieved she wasn't going to have to keep the conversation going.
"I met Alison a little over three years ago. A mutual friend introduced us." The way Nicole said it made Emily wonder exactly what kind of friend it was, especially since Alison had told her earlier that she didn't have many friends.
"Alison had just bought this house," Nicole continued. "And wanted to turn it into a shelter for runaways but she needed someone who had worked with troubled kids and had resources and connections with social services and the juvenile courts." Nicole poured herself a cup of coffee and walked over to stand on the other side of the island. "I'd been a teen counselor for the state for about a decade. When she told me what she wanted to do, and why, there was no way I could say no. I quit my job the next day."
"What exactly do you do here?"
"We provide a safe haven for female teen runaways mostly under the age of eighteen," she replied, her explanation matching the one Alison gave her out front. "We give them a place to stay until we can get them home safely or into a foster home if they can't go back to their own home."
Emily was very intrigued. "Don't you have to turn minors over to social services?"
"We work with social services. We try to get most of the girls, who aren't in dangerous situations or who haven't been kicked out, to go home. We offer counseling or connect them with someone where they live because we see girls who come from all over the country here. Loads of runaways end up in Southern California because it's warm here most of the year."
Emily nodded as she listened raptly.
"But for those who came from unsafe homes or are running from dangerous situations, social services let us keep them here until we can find the right home for them. The foster system is very flawed and there are more people than you think who only take in kids for the money. It's not going to help anyone to send a kid to a situation that is really no better than they came from. The kid is just going to run away again."
"How many girls do you have here?"
"Technically our bed capacity is twenty two but we don't ever turn anyone away. If we don't have a bed, we put them on the sofa or a blow up mattress on the floor until we can get them into another shelter."
"Ruby is very young," Emily observed at she noticed the girl out the window playing fetch with the two dogs in the backyard.
Nicole glanced over and then looked back at Emily. "She's our youngest. She'd been living on the street for almost a year by the time we found out about her. Alison drove almost six hours to Modesto to get her when we got the call from a shelter up there that was filled to capacity."
"Oh my god," Emily gasped softly.
"Between one point six and two point eight million kids run away each year and fifty percent of them are female. Surviving on the street for any child is hard but it's worse for girls. They're preyed upon in ways boys often are not."
Emily felt bile rise in her throat at the implications Nicole was making.
"We have girls from all walks of life here. Girls who are running from family or boyfriends or stalkers. We specialize in those kinds of girls because the system doesn't know what to do with them. You can't put them in traditional foster homes or shelters because you put the other kids there in danger too."
"How do you keep them safe?"
"We have very high tech security here." Nicole motioned to the security cameras in the corner of the room. "As well as round the clock body guards as you might have noticed Bruno in the entryway. More than half our budget goes to security, but Alison insists on it.
"Does Alison pay for all of this?" she asked curiously.
"No," Alison said from the doorway as she stepped into the room shaking her head. "I don't have that kind of money. I used all of my half of the insurance money, the money from the sale of the land in Rosewood, my parent's house in Cape May and my nana's house in Georgia just to buy and renovate the house and get it up and running."
"That money lasted us about six months, if I remember right," Nicole chimed in as she walked to the other counter to pour Alison a cup of coffee. "But we're a non-profit so we rely on donations mostly although the state does provide some minimal funding. And we have a lot of volunteers. We wouldn't be able to do it without them."
Alison took the seat next to Emily and accepted the cup of coffee from Nicole.
"Thanks," she replied before she took a sip.
"And when we start to run low on funds, Alison just throws another fundraiser." Nicole smiled knowingly. "She's like a magician getting people to open their checkbooks. By the time she's done working the room, people are begging us to take their money."
"I have no doubt," Emily murmured softly as she looked at the blonde beside her. She was in awe of what Alison had created. This was definitely a side of Alison that the blonde kept hidden when they were younger. And it was just more confirmation of what Emily had always known. Alison had the biggest and most beautiful heart of anyone she'd ever met.
"How did it go with Mel?" Nicole asked.
"She's so fucking stubborn," Alison growled under her breath. "I can't talk her out of leaving."
"It's probably for the best Alison," Nicole said seriously. "We can't have incidents like we did last weekend. It puts all the girls in danger."
"She's in danger, Nic. He's going to find her no matter where she goes."
"What happened last weekend?" Emily asked although she suspected she knew the answer.
"She's running from her ex boyfriend who's twenty and a thug," Alison said her voice full of disgust. "He beat the shit out of her repeatedly and her parents didn't do anything to stop him. She's from Phoenix but he chased her all the way here."
"We've had two incidents with him since she got here a few months ago," Nicole added. "He's been arrested both times but he just keeps getting back out on the street and as soon as he does he comes after her again."
"Is that what happened to your hand?"
Alison shrugged as Nicole scoffed. "Alison sometimes lets her temper get the better of her rather than wait until the police arrive."
"I wasn't about to let him break the back door down."
"Where was the body guard?" Emily asked curiously.
"Distracted," Alison replied. "This dickhead got a buddy to cause a commotion in the front yard and then he snuck around and tried to get in the back."
"Now we have one in back and one in front at all times. It's a little overkill." Nicole shot Alison a look but the blonde ignored her. "Because he's still in jail. He's being held without bail this time until his trial."
"Or until they need the space at the prison," Alison added before asking Nicole. "Did you get the information about the place in Florida you think she should go?"
Emily could tell there was some tension between Alison and Nicole over this topic.
"Yes, Gabe gave it to me this afternoon. And I don't want her to go, Alison," Nicole maintained. "But it I think for everyone's safety, including hers, she needs to get as far from here as possible. It's less likely he'll find her on the east coast."
"I want to see it. And I want you to get Stan to do a thorough background check on everyone who works there."
"I've already called him."
"I won't send her somewhere I don't feel she's going to be safe."
"You should trust Gabe's recommendation."
Alison looked over at Emily. "Gabe works for the LAPD and he helps us with the security here. He's the one who hires and oversees the security team."
Well that answered Emily's last question of what was up with Alison and Holbrook.
"Are you going to stay for dinner?" Nicole asked as she walked to the ovens and set two of them to preheat. "The girls love it when you do. Mama Ana made lasagna before she left today. I just have to heat it up."
Nicole was just trying to tempt her because she knew how much Alison loved lasagna.
"I'm sure Emily has better things to do," Alison said as she looked at the brunette beside her out of the corner of her eye now. Emily loved lasagna, too, she remembered.
Emily knew she should get out of there. Her brain was on overload and she was feeling just too comfortable in Alison's presence all of a sudden, when not three hours ago she was screaming at the blonde and was ready to walk away from her for good.
But now she would do whatever it took to spend just a little more time with her.
"I don't have anywhere to be," Emily said and it wasn't exactly a lie because Marielle had already told her she would be working late and therefore wouldn't be home for dinner.
"Are you sure?" Alison asked but Emily could see the hope in her eyes. And even though she knew she should, Emily couldn't bring herself to say no.
"Lasagna sounds too good to pass up."
Alison wanted to squeal but she held it inside.
"I hear you're an amazing pastry chef," Nicole said as she walked over to the fridge and pulled out three large pans of lasagna.
Alison scowled at her because she really should learn to keep her big mouth shut.
"I do okay," Emily said as she held back a chuckle at the look on Alison's face.
"I was going to make chocolate cake for dessert," Nicole said as she took the aluminum foil off the pans and then slid them into the oven.
"Well chocolate just happens to be my specialty," Emily said as she stood up taking the subtle invitation Nicole had offered. "Why don't I see what I can whip up for you?"
"Awesome," Nicole said as she grinned. "I was going to have Katrina make the salad but do you want to do that Alison?"
Alison stood up like her chair was on fire and moved around the breakfast bar. "I promised Ruby I'd go find her. And the dogs probably need a walk too."
The blonde headed toward the back door as Nicole started to laugh. "Yeah that's what I figured."
#############
Two hours later Alison pulled up in front of her studio, parking her car behind Emily's at the curb. Dinner had been fun. Almost all the girls liked Emily, except Ruby, who was just jealous, and Erin. But Erin didn't tend to like anyone.
The lasagna as always was a hit, but Emily's chocolate cake with fresh warm strawberry compote was devoured by the over two dozen girls like it was the last food on earth.
Emily refused to use the boxed chocolate cake Nicole had in the cupboard and made Alison take her to Whole Foods around the corner to get real chocolate and a few other real dessert kinds of items. Alison teased her by calling her a food snob, but it was more than worth it. The cake was to die for.
"Thanks for coming with me," Alison said as she turned the ignition off. She still had to go back into the studio to grab a few files to take home with her.
"Thanks for taking me," Emily replied sincerely. "I mean it, Ali. You've done an amazing thing and it means a lot that you shared it with me."
Silence filled the car until Alison finally spoke up again.
"So where does this leave us, Em?"
"What do you mean?" Emily licked her suddenly dry lips.
Alison turned to face the brunette beside her. "You made it clear earlier that once you had your answers you were walking away for good."
"Ali I was angry. You don't have the monopoly on saying things you don't mean when you're angry."
"I'll never shake off my past, will I?" Alison scoffed as she looked away.
"You're misinterpreting everything I say today," Emily replied exasperated. She didn't want to ruin the near perfect time she and Alison had just spent by fighting with her.
Alison thought maybe Emily was right and so she forced herself to say the words this time as she looked back at the brunette. "I'm sorry for what I said about Courtney earlier. I didn't mean it. I still say a lot of things I don't always mean."
Emily stilled and she took a breath before she replied. "I still can't believe I didn't know it wasn't you. I will forever regret that night."
"It wasn't your fault, Em," Alison said even as she blanched from the thought of Emily's hands and lips on her sister. "Courtney worked very hard to imitate me. She'd become an expert at it."
"I still should have known it wasn't you."
Alison agreed, but silently. She knew what it was like to carry regrets and she wasn't looking to make Emily feel guilty over something neither one of them could change.
When Alison didn't reply, Emily realized she was still waiting for an answer to her previous question.
"I don't know what all this means," Emily said as she motioned between them. "All I know is I have a girlfriend, Alison. That's not going to change. Despite my actions that night with Courtney, I'm not a cheater."
Alison felt Emily's words like a knife in her chest.
"I'm not my sister. I'm not asking you to finger fuck me Em," Alison said harshly then instantly regretted her words. But her pride, again, held her back from apologizing.
And once again Emily felt like Alison punched her in the gut. In a matter of a few seconds, all of the perfection of the last several hours vanished with just a few harsh words. As tempted as she was to lash back at the blonde, Emily lost all her fight. "I didn't mean it like that," Emily replied. "I can't keep doing this with you Alison. After today I thought maybe we could try to be friends again but-"
"It's okay Em. I get it," Alison interrupted. "I lost the ability to only be friends with you a long time ago."
"I won't feel guilty for moving on Alison. Especially when you knew I was looking for you and you just let me."
"This is why I never wanted you to find me," Alison said more to herself than Emily as she looked away, not wanting the brunette to see the tears beginning to form in her eyes. She would not let Emily see her cry. "You should just go."
Emily looked at Alison for a long moment before she got out of the car without another word. She felt numb, like she'd had Alison back for a few hours only to have her ripped away once again. She got into her car and pulled away from the curb, not daring to look in the rear view mirror.
Alison watched Emily get into her car and drive away, remaining in her seat for a long time, blinking her eyes and refusing to let her tears fall.
###########
Emily approached the front door of her apartment but hesitated before she went inside. Her head was still spinning from the last several hours. She'd thought that seeing Alison again had fucked with her mind and heart. But that was nothing compared to what she was feeling now after spending several uninterrupted hours with her.
The woman Alison turned into was exactly the person Emily had always known was there. A woman who, despite her aloof and callous exterior had one of the biggest hearts Emily had ever known. One who was brave and fierce despite all the pain and heartache she'd been through. One who was more selfless than selfish, even though she was almost loathe to let the world see it.
And Emily was again on a roller coaster of emotion. Just when she finally let the dream of Alison go, the blonde came waltzing back into her life and wreaked havoc with her heart once again.
It had been hours since Alison had kissed her and Emily could still feel Alison's lips against her own. She could still taste her on her tongue. The scent of her still invaded Emily's senses and made the brunette's stomach clench with need.
She feared all her conflicting feelings were showing on her face so she was hesitant to go inside her apartment. She didn't want Marielle to see her this way. But it was time Marielle knew the truth. The truth Emily should have told her two months ago when she first saw Alison.
Finally after several minutes of deep cleansing breaths, Emily entered the apartment to find her girlfriend sprawled on the sofa with her laptop on her legs as she typed away. Her dark hair was piled on her head in a messy knot and she was biting her bottom lip as she concentrated on what she was doing. Despite the lump in her throat, Emily's lips curled into a smile. Marielle was the best thing in Emily's life and it was time Emily was honest with her.
Keeping Alison's presence a secret was giving Alison too much power in her life. Marielle had always been understanding and supportive of Emily's past and never once exhibited any jealousy, even when Emily admitted that she'd spent years looking for Alison. Marielle knew her better than anyone and she deserved honesty.
Emily wished she didn't feel so conflicted about Alison's return to her life. She wished she could look at the blonde and not feel anything for her. But that was impossible. This was Alison. Her first love. The girl she pined for as a young teenager. The girl she ached for when Alison vanished their freshman year of high school. The girl she fell in love with again when the blonde returned from the dead. Alison was the girl who broke her a second time when she vanished again after the fire. And she was still the woman who made Emily's heart race and left her breathless even when Emily was so furious with the blonde she wanted to scream.
She shouldn't still have these feelings for Alison. Not when she had Marielle. She genuinely loved Marielle and Emily was just beginning to see hints of a real future with her. She wasn't going to risk that for Alison. She couldn't. Not when she couldn't trust the blonde not to break her again.
Marielle looked up, finally noticing her standing there and she smiled. "Hello beautiful."
Emily immediately walked over and leaned down to kiss her. Her girlfriend giggled breathlessly when the kiss ended. "Wow. I like it when you greet me like that."
Emily lifted Marielle's legs and sat of the sofa, setting her girlfriend's feet on her lap. "I like coming home and finding you like this."
Marielle set her laptop on the coffee table and leaned back against the arm of the couch. She wiggled her feet and smiled.
"I was surprised you weren't here when I got home."
Emily knew this was her girlfriend's way of not asking her where she'd been but still asking her where she'd been.
"I, uh, actually want to talk to you about that," Emily replied seriously, committed now to telling Marielle about Alison.
"Do I need a glass of wine for this?" Marielle arched a brow as she teased.
"I might," Emily admitted, only half joking.
Marielle leaned forward and reached for the hand Emily was resting on her calf. "Cheri, why so serious? I was just kidding you."
Emily looked into Marielle's deep green eyes and saw love and curiosity there. No suspicion of what Emily might have been up to because Marielle trusted her. And it made Emily feel like a cheater even though she'd told Alison she wasn't.
"I have to tell you something."
"Okay," Marielle said as she shifted and slid a little closer to Emily.
"I haven't been honest with you lately."
"What do you mean?" Marielle tilted her head curiously.
"You know when I had that fight with Hanna a few weeks ago."
"Yes," Marielle said as she gently caressed Emily's fingers and Emily sighed at her gentle touch.
"I never told you what it was about," Emily said as she reached up and curled a few stray strands of hair behind Marielle's ear.
"You have a right to your privacy Emily," Marielle replied as she reached up and grabbed Emily's hand, bringing her fingers to her lips.
"Privacy and deception are two different things." Emily pulled her hand away because she didn't want to get distracted again. She let her girlfriend's seductive ways sidetrack her too many times.
"Are you saying you deceived me?" Marielle asked seriously now.
"I'm saying by not telling you what it was about I haven't been honest," Emily said again. "I owe you the truth but I'm not sure how you're going to react."
"Why don't you just tell me, mon amour? What was your argument with Hanna about?"
"Alison."
Marielle didn't flinch but she remained quiet as she waited for Emily to continue. Emily picked at the hem of Marielle's pajama pant leg.
"She's here in Santa Monica."
"What do you mean she's here?" Marielle said in a low voice, one Emily had never heard her use before.
"She lives here. Only a couple of blocks away actually."
Marielle pulled her feet out of Emily's lap and lowered them to the floor.
"Have you seen her?"
"Yes."
"Explique-toi!" Marielle commanded in French and Emily knew her girlfriend well enough to know that was not a good sign.
Emily turned so she could look more fully at Marielle who had now shifted away from her slightly.
"There was a photo shoot at the restaurant about two months ago."
"And?" Marielle encouraged when Emily paused.
"Alison was the photographer."
"You saw her two months ago and you're just telling me now?" Marielle shrieked as she stood up and looked down at Emily.
"I know I should have told you the night it happened but…" Emily trailed off as she sat forward and reached for Marielle's hand again but her girlfriend stepped back out of her reach.
"But?" Marielle asked as she put her hands on her hips and scowled.
Emily wasn't sure what to say. There was no acceptable reason she didn't tell Marielle that night when she returned home from work. Emily could see the hurt and betrayal in her girlfriend's eyes and it made her sick to her stomach.
"I don't know why I didn't tell you," she said honestly.
"But you told Hanna? This is why you argued?"
Emily stood up. "Not exactly."
"Emily you're being very vague right now. Why won't you just give me a direct answer?"
Emily nibbled her bottom lip anxiously. "Hanna wasn't happy that I saw Alison but that isn't why we fought."
"Why did you fight?" Marielle demanded.
"Because she and all my other friends knew Alison was here and never told me."
"What?" Marielle asked surprised and her demeanor softened slightly.
"Yeah," Emily muttered and sat down again. "They've all known for a couple years and have been lying to me all this time."
Marielle dropped down onto the sofa beside Emily. "Oh, cheri," Marielle murmured as she grabbed Emily's hand again and entwined their fingers.
Emily gripped her girlfriend's hand and turned to face her. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you Mari. We promised we wouldn't lie to each other and I broke that promise."
Marielle sighed and frowned. "This is why you've been acting so strange," she said more to herself than Emily.
"I've been trying to figure out how to tell you but I just didn't want to make it a big deal."
"Have you seen Alison again?" Marielle asked quietly.
Emily exhaled a slow breath before she answered. "Yes."
Marielle pulled her hand away and stood up again, walking into the kitchen. Emily stood and followed her.
"I've only seen her twice, Mari," Emily continued as she watched Marielle pull a bottle of wine out of the fridge. "Once that day in Venice and then today."
"In Venice?" Marielle, who up until this point had done well at keeping her French temper in check, finally whirled around and demanded. "Is that why you wanted to go there?"
"No," Emily insisted. "I didn't expect to see her again but she jogged by when I was at the skate park."
"Merde! Je rêve là! Putain... Bordel mais j'y crois pas!" Marielle started muttering under her breath in French as she walked to the cupboard and grabbed a wine glass.
Emily was fully aware of what she was saying and the brunette cringed at the sheer number of expletives that passed her girlfriend's beautiful lips.
"Is that what happened today?" Marielle asked whirled around again and crossed her arms over her chest defensively.
"No." Emily tried not to cringe as she answered. "I sought her out today."
"Why, Emily? After everything she did to you? How she hurt you?" Marielle asked, her voice rising and octave with each word she said.
"Because I needed answers Mari." Emily replied trying to keep the level of her own voice in check.
"I thought you decided you didn't need answers anymore," Marielle accused before she took a gulp of her wine.
"I've always been honest with you about what Alison did to me." Emily crossed her arms defensively now because, prior to two months ago, that was true. "I had to let go of needing those answers because I didn't think I had a choice. I honestly believed I'd never see her again."
"And that changed when you saw her?"
"Yes and no," Emily admitted reluctantly.
"What does that mean?"
"It's more complicated than just yes or no."
"Well uncomplicated it for me then."
Emily was surprised Marielle was not speaking more in French. When she was furious, she automatically reverted to speaking in her native tongue. But Emily could see her girlfriend was trying to remain calm even though she was clearly hurt. That knowledge made Emily feel awful but she knew she had to keep being honest even if it hurt.
"I was so angry when I first saw her, Mari. I asked her why but it just turned into a screaming fight when I found out she knew I was looking for her all along and she still hid."
Marielle looked at Emily over her wine glass but didn't offer any kind of usual sympathy, so Emily continued.
"I stormed out before I could get any real answers but I convinced myself I didn't want them. I didn't want to want them anymore Mar, but it still just kept eating at me."
"Did you get your answers?" Marielle looked at her hesitantly now, almost as if afraid of what Emily's answer would be.
"Today I did." Emily nodded.
Marielle put her now empty wine glass down. "And?"
"And I finally have them," Emily replied simply.
"What does that even mean Emily?" Marielle's voice rose again with frustration.
"It means I finally know why she did what she did even if I don't agree with her reasons."
"Do you still have feelings for her?" Marielle demanded.
"No," Emily said so abruptly that they both knew it was a lie. Desperately Emily stepped closer to Marielle. Once again Alison's presence was wreaking havoc with her life. "Mari, I love you. I'm committed to you."
Marielle stepped out of Emily's reach and hit her back against the counter.
"Was that the address I found in your jeans pocket?"
"Huh?" Emily asked confused at the abrupt change of subject.
"I found an address in your pocket when I was doing laundry a few weeks ago. Was that her address?" Marielle asked slowly and lowly.
Emily nodded cursing herself for forgetting about the napkin she'd jotted Alison's address on at the restaurant that night.
Marielle just looked at her with hurt in her eyes.
"If you found it, why didn't you ask me about it?" Emily asked curiously.
"Because I trusted you," Marielle said plainly.
"Mari, please talk to me. Scream at me. Anything," Emily begged.
Marielle took a breath and closed her eyes. When she opened them they were hollow. "I don't want to scream at you Emily. I don't want to fight with you about this. Alison should not mean anything in our relationship but clearly she does."
"No," Emily insisted as she reached out to her girlfriend again.
"No," Marielle barked sharply. "Emily please do not touch me right now."
"Alison doesn't mean anything," Emily said but the lie felt like ash on her tongue.
"If she didn't then you would have told me right away."
As much as she wanted to, Emily didn't dispute her words because it was the truth.
Marielle's eyes flashed with hurt when Emily failed to respond so she pushed past her girlfriend.
"Where are you going?" Emily asked as she succeeded in grabbing Marielle's arm this time. Marielle shook her off and headed toward the door, snatching her purse from the dining table on her way.
"I'm going out. I need some air."
"Mari, please?"
"Don't," Marielle pleaded as she choked over her words.
She yanked the door open and then slammed it behind her as Emily could only stand there helplessly watching her go.
#############
Alison and Pepe lounged on the back patio as the former picked absently at the salad in front of her and the later chomped on a new chewy toy. The night was cool and the silence was just what Alison needed at the moment. She needed time to remember and savor the memory of Emily's lips against her own; time to remember how they both enjoyed dinner at Fields House, before everything went to hell once again in her car outside her studio.
Despite how they parted, Alison felt a certain amount of relief now that she and Emily had really talked. Of course they didn't talk about everything they probably should have, but once Alison had pulled herself together in the car, she decided that they had parted on far worse terms in the past.
Alison was unsure where they stood but a part of her was hopeful that maybe this could mean a new beginning for them. There was still more she needed to tell Emily but her admissions to the brunette went better than she'd ever expected.
She'd told Megan that she couldn't just be friends with Emily and she knew even more surely now that was the absolute truth. Especially feeling Emily's lips on her own again after so long and the feeling of her body as Alison pressed against her, there was no way Alison could walk away again.
She'd be spitting in the face of the universe if she tried and quite frankly she just didn't want to try. She'd fight for Emily if she had to and Alison suspected she was probably going to have to. But she walked away from the girl she loved too many times and now she was going to win her back if it was the last thing she did.
She wouldn't go about it like she did in the past. She wasn't that person any more. She wasn't cruel and didn't deliberately hurt people now. But it was inevitable that someone would get hurt in all this and Alison was determined it wouldn't be her this time.
Pepe's head lifted at the sound of the doorbell and he barked once before he got up and trotted over to the front door. Alison followed more slowly, prepared to slam the door in Cece's face if the blonde was on her doorstep. Her friend had been calling and texting since she left the studio and Alison was ready to strangle her. She and Jason were so much alike and hovered over her way too fucking much in her opinion. They needed an intervention, and soon, because she was not going to have them hovering and screwing things up while she was trying to win Emily back.
The doorbell rang again before Alison reached the entryway.
"I'm coming already, fuck," she muttered to herself before flinging the door open. "I swear if this is you Ce-"
Alison's words halted as she saw who was standing on her stoop. "I was wondering when I was going to see you."
Marielle stood there with her arms crossed, her eyes narrowed and a scowl on her face.
"You went back on our deal, Alison."
French Translation:
"Explique-toi" - Explain!
"Merde! Je rêve là! Putain... Bordel mais j'y crois pas!" Shit! Fuck... I fucking can't believe it! Or insert your favorite curses here and be sure to use the word "fuck" a few times….lol
Thanks again for reading and see you next weekend!