Disclaimer: Why don't I own these characters? I could have such fun with them.
Thanks as always, everyone, for reading and all your great reviews. I always enjoy them but I particularly enjoyed them for this last chapter.
Hehehehe…I've been waiting to drop that bomb on you…..
Anyway... I was away for most of the holiday weekend and didn't have a chance to post this before I left but here it finally is.
Is everybody ready for some drama?
Flashbacks are in italics.
Thanks again to Sophie for the translations.
Enjoy and if you're so inclined, please leave a review. They really do make my day.
Chapter 5
2 Years Ago….
Paris, France
Alison approached the four story apartment building with some trepidation. She'd seen the building before from the bench on the corner. At least twice in the last year and a half Alison sat on that bench, a baseball cap on her head and sunglasses over her eyes to conceal her identity, as she waited for Emily to return from her classes at the Sorbonne only a few blocks to the east. But this time she wasn't there to just watch the brunette from afar. She was finally ready to face her again for the first time in over four years.
For the several months Megan, Cece and Jason had all been encouraging her to seek out Emily and try to make amends. Alison still loved the brunette, neither time nor distance doing anything to lessen her feelings. In fact, as the years passed Alison felt she was more in love with the girl she called her mermaid than she was the night she kissed her goodbye.
It had taken Alison a long time to get to this point. Years of intensive therapy helped her to come to terms with the tragedies in her past. She would always carry them with her, some of them more deeply than others, but she finally felt she could function day to day without feeling like the world was crushing down on her.
She'd learned a lot about herself, especially in the last two years she'd been seeing Megan. Her previous doctors helped her move beyond the acute trauma from that night but she still carried the memories and burden of guilt for her part in all that had come to pass.
With Megan's help, Alison had learned two very important things about herself. One, the anxiety she suffered that made it oftentimes almost impossible to function was post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. From being stabbed by her twin as a child to being buried alive by her own mother. From the things she endured for two years while living alone on the streets, to being tortured by the same twin she had thought was dead. To watching and thinking her friends and the girl she loved were going to be murdered in front of her, to the sight of her father with a bullet hole in his forehead.
Alison still carried all of these things with her every day. Sometimes the memories would come flooding back suddenly and for no reason and other times something would trigger them. Either way, it would hit her and she'd feel like she was dying. She'd shake and her vision would blur and sometimes she hyperventilated to the point of passing out. She still woke at night sometimes, although it had lessened as of late, gasping for air, unable to breath, feeling like her lungs were filling with dirt again.
But these were things that were all part of her life and she'd learned to cope and adapt because she had no other choice.
The other thing she learned from her time with Megan was that in addition to the PTSD, Alison suffered from narcissistic tendencies. They weren't severe enough to be categorized as narcissistic personality disorder and, unlike most narcissists, Alison did have the ability to exhibit both compassion and empathy. But it didn't come as a complete surprise, though, when Megan diagnosed her. Mama DiLaurantis really fucked her up good as a little girl.
Although her mother wasn't around to confront, confirm or deny, Megan explained that Jessica went overboard trying to atone for abandoning and locking away one daughter by lavishing, often unhealthy, attention on the other. She taught Alison, with both words and deeds, to be selfish and self-centered. And convinced the young girl she was superior to others while simultaneously tearing her down with excessive criticism.
Prior to her disappearance Alison was self-obsessed, self-involved and just plain mean. Even she could admit she was a bitch of epic proportions, who felt very little remorse for the cruel things she'd done, and it's no wonder half the town of Rosewood hated her guts.
But her experiences on the run, as well as everything that happened after she returned, forced Alison to realize her attitude and behavior were her own responsibility. Yes, Courtney had hurt her in unimaginable ways. And yes, her mother taught her bad attitudes and behaviors. But how she acted and how she chose to live her life was on her. She could choose to let what happened with Courtney and her parents define who she was. Or she could make the conscious choice to live her life differently.
With Megan's constant support, and Cece and Jason's encouragement, Alison finally believed she was a good person and a woman who deserved the love of someone like Emily. Although she still had a long way to go, Alison was now in a place emotionally where she felt she could seek out the girl she loved and ask for another chance. She wasn't sure if Emily would give it to her, but she had to try, because living without the person she loved wasn't living at all.
Alison took at deep breath and walked toward the door. She shifted the bouquet of tulips she was carrying from one hand to the other. They were Emily's favorite flower and she'd spent half the day scouring Paris for them. She was just about to ring the buzzer for the fourth floor studio apartment, she knew Emily lived in, when a young couple pushed through the double glass doors. She decided to just go up and not announce herself. Less chance that Emily would hear her voice over the intercom and refuse to let her up.
Not that she really believed Emily would do that. The brunette would probably want the opportunity to slap Alison, if nothing else, given the chance. Alison knew she'd hurt Emily in ways she could never make up for, but if the brunette was willing to give her a chance, she would spend the rest of her life proving she was worthy of that chance.
The building Emily lived in was older and didn't have an elevator so Alison walked up the four flights to the top floor. Her hands shook and her palms sweated with every step she took. As she reached the fourth floor landing she paused and smoothed down her dress. She'd worn blue because Emily always said she looked beautiful in blue.
After a minute of psyching herself up, Alison walked up to the door she knew was Emily's. Before she lost her nerve she knocked on the door and held her breath.
The door opened and the brunette standing in front of her wearing a partially unbuttoned oxford button down white shirt, which only went to her thighs, was not the brunette she was expecting to see. Alison did a double take and looked at the number on the door again to make sure she was at the right apartment.
"Bonjour?" the woman said.
"Uh," Alison stuttered slightly more nervous than she realized. "I think I might have the wrong apartment. I'm looking for Emily Fields."
"This is Emily's apartment," the woman said in English now. Then her eyes widened with recognition. "Alison?"
Alison cursed herself for being so careless and not making sure Emily was alone before she came by.
"Mari, if that's the delivery guy, the money is in my purse," Emily's voice rang out from inside the apartment.
Alison's eyes whipped toward the direction the voice came from and the blonde realized she could also hear the sound of a shower running. Her eyes slid back to the woman in front of her and she also realized there was a very good reason the brunette was only half dressed. The realization made Alison want to vomit.
"I'm sorry," she choked as she started to back up. "I have the wrong place."
"Attend!" the woman, resorting to French again, implored Alison to wait. "You are Alison, yes?"
Alison stopped and narrowed her eyes. "How do you know who I am?"
The woman tilted her head and she looked at Alison as if she was scrutinizing her. "Emily told me about you."
Alison wasn't sure if she was glad or pissed that Emily had mentioned her. And she could only imagine what Emily had said.
"And who are you?" Alison asked, getting a little bit of her bearings back.
"Marielle," the brunette said as she subtly glanced down at the flowers in Alison's hands. "Emily's girlfriend," she added and Alison felt her chest close up.
It was one thing for Emily to be fucking some random girl.
It was another for Emily to have a girlfriend.
"This was a mistake," Alison said as she turned and bolted down the stairs not daring to look back. The woman above didn't call after her, but that didn't surprise Alison.
When she reached to ground floor she rushed out the front door, almost knocking over a guy carrying several bags of food.
The blonde rushed across and down the street to the corner, dropping onto the bench as she fought to catch her breath. The bouquet of tulips fell from her hands and she leaned forward and put her head between her knees. She felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest and she inhaled as deep as her constricted lungs would allow, and held it, before exhaling again, practicing the exercises Megan taught her to control her breathing. Slowly her heart stopped pounding like a drum in her chest and her lungs stopped aching with the desperate need for air.
How could she be so fucking stupid?
Of course Emily would have a girlfriend?
Alison grabbed the tulips and sat back up. She brought them to her nose and inhaled deeply, letting the sweet scent surround her. She felt numb and empty while simultaneously like she was being stabbed and electrocuted all over again.
She was too late. Emily had finally moved on like Alison had implored her to do in the letter she wrote. And while all she ever wanted was for Emily to be happy, the fact that she'd found it with someone other than Alison was painful beyond imagination.
She'd just traveled halfway around the world to tell Emily she loved her and beg for her forgiveness. She should have known the chances were slim of everything going according to her plan. But a girlfriend was not anywhere in those plans.
That was the most unrealistic and foolish assumption Alison had made in this whole scenario. Of course Emily would have found someone to love her. Someone who was most likely a lot more worthy than Alison could ever hope to be.
Now what was she going to do? Now that her one chance at finding happiness had been ripped away by a beautiful French brunette?
The last time she'd been in Paris, she didn't notice anyone significant in Emily's life. In the few days Alison had been there she didn't see Emily alone with anyone. But that didn't mean this girl wasn't around. Alison wracked her brain trying to remember if she'd seen her anywhere. She was beautiful, Alison could reluctantly admit, although the exact polar opposite of the blonde. And although she didn't tend to see anyone but Emily when she was there watching, Alison wasn't sure how she would have missed Marielle.
Just the thought her made Alison want to scream. The thought of her kissing and touching Emily drove Alison to dig her fingernails into her palm until she could feel the blood start to flow. She welcomed the pain and focused on it until finally it began to abate.
Then the blonde just felt empty and alone.
Alison wasn't sure how much time had passed but when she looked up at the fourth floor window she knew was Emily's apartment, it was dark. The streets were empty and the city seemed to have gone to sleep with the brunette and her girlfriend. But Alison knew she wouldn't find sleep any time soon.
##############
She barely noticed when the sun rose hours later although she'd passed the time by picking the petals off the tulips one by one and letting them fall to the ground at her feet. The city slowly came to life again around her but Alison found herself rooted to her spot on the familiar bench. She wanted to see Emily one last time before she left.
This time for good. Because she wouldn't be returning to Paris again.
After what seemed like a couple of hours, Emily and Marielle exited the building. The angle from her vantage point afforded her some anonymity, but Alison wished she had her usual baseball cap and sunglasses. Emily's class was in the opposite direction so Alison wasn't really worried she'd be seen but she still shifted slightly so her body was pointed away from the two women who were saying goodbye in front of the building.
Alison watched in dismay as Emily leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the slightly taller woman's lips before they hugged. It was like an accident you saw on the freeway. Even though it was horrifying, you couldn't take your eyes off it. Alison watched as Emily slid her arms around Marielle and the brunette slipped her arms around Emily's neck. The blonde was so focused on the sight of the girl she loved in another woman's arms that Alison didn't realize there were eyes on her until her own slid back to Marielle's face.
Alison panicked briefly concerned that Marielle would point her out to Emily, but the brunette just said a few more words to her mermaid before they parted ways. Emily walked in the direction of her class and Marielle walked toward Alison.
The blonde was tempted to bolt but something made her stand her ground and wait until the taller woman walked up to her, a look of curiosity on her face.
"Why are you here, Alison?" she asked, her tone a combination of curiosity and judgment. It made Alison's clench her teeth.
"I don't see how that's any of your business," Alison replied in her typically defensive manner.
"If you're here to hurt my girlfriend, it is my business," Marielle replied not at all intimidated by the blonde.
"She was mine long before she was ever yours," Alison snapped as she dug her fingernails into her wounded palms again. It helped to calm her. "You'd do well to remember that."
Okay, so that wasn't exactly accurate. Emily had never officially been hers. But in Alison's heart she was. And always would be.
"I know what you did to her and all the ways you hurt her and you have a lot of nerve coming here like this."
Marielle's accent was thick but she spoke English very well. Clearly she was fluently bilingual.
"You forfeited any right to come back into her life when you abandoned her," Marielle added heatedly and Alison knew she was right. But that didn't mean she was going to admit it.
"Look, Frenchie," Alison snarled losing her temper now; though there was a very small part of her that appreciated the brunette trying to protect Emily. "Why I'm here and what happened between me and Emily is between me and Emily," she emphasized.
Marielle wasn't fazed by Alison's outburst, nor her biting tone, and the blonde had to reluctantly respect that.
"I didn't tell her you came by last night," Marielle said and Alison got the answer she didn't realize she was digging for.
"You don't have to worry about telling her now because I'm leaving," Alison replied with a little less heat and a lot more resignation because she'd already made her decision. As much as she wanted another chance with Emily, she didn't want to throw her life once again into chaos if she'd found some semblance of happiness. Because that's all Alison ever wanted for her.
"I'm not worried," Marielle said but Alison could hear the uncertainty in her tone.
"If she really told you about me then you wouldn't feel that way."
Marielle flushed with anger and was opening her mouth to respond when Alison held up her hand.
"I have no desire to fight with you Marielle. I only have one question to ask you."
"What?" Marielle said between clenched teeth. Alison could tell the brunette wanted to slap her and she had to admit it amused her a little. The woman was fierce and brave and maybe, just maybe, she'd be good for Emily.
"Do you make her happy?" Alison asked as she swallowed back the lump that suddenly formed in her throat.
Marielle looked surprised by the question. "Yes," she replied honestly.
The answer simultaneously hurt and comforted Alison. She took a deep breath, even though her chest was so tight it felt like it was crushed in a vise.
"If I ever find out you don't, you'll wish we never met."
"Is that a threat?" Marielle still wasn't intimidated.
"It's a warning," Alison replied simply. "And as long as you make her happy, you'll get no interference from me. But if you don't…."
Alison trailed off and let the implication hang in the air between them before she turned and walked away from the brunette without another word.
She didn't trust herself to say or do anything else.
##################
"I wouldn't call what we had a deal, exactly," Alison replied as she took in the woman she'd last seen in front of Emily's apartment. Pepe stepped onto the porch stoop and stood guard in front of Alison but he didn't growl; just sniffed at the stranger in front of him.
"You can twist it any way you want, Alison," Marielle insisted as she continued to glare at the blonde. "But we had an agreement."
Alison crossed her arms over her chest and mimicked Marielle's posture. "You're the one who's twisting it," she said before adding curiously. "And it makes me wonder why."
"You vowed to never come back into her life," Marielle accused as her voice started to rise.
"I vowed to never interfere in her life if she was happy," Alison retorted as she stepped out onto the stoop and she reached down to stroke Pepe's fur because he started growling lowly. He never liked raised voices, especially when they were directed at Alison.
"She is happy," Marielle snapped her voice shrill now.
"You wanna keep it down please," Alison hissed. "I do have neighbors with kids and it's past their bedtime."
Her immediate neighbors didn't have kids but there were some a few houses down and if Marielle's voice kept rising they'd hear her soon enough.
Pepe snapped his teeth at Marielle and she took a step back.
"Does that dog bite?" she asked as she eyed him warily.
"Only people he thinks are a threat," Alison replied with an amused tone.
And people I take into my bed, Alison added silently to herself but she didn't share that information with the brunette in front of her.
The blonde reached down and stroked Pepe's ears. "Relax, Pepe," she soothed softly and the dog relaxed a little.
"Emily is happy," Marielle said again. "And you need to stay away from her."
"If she's so happy," Alison continued. "Why is she seeking me out?"
Alison knew it wasn't fair of her to ask that because Emily made it very clear she was happy with her girlfriend. She just wanted answers from her. But the blonde hoped that the time they spent together and the honesty Alison had given her maybe brought some of those old feelings to the surface.
"Emily ne mentait pas quand elle disait que tu manipulais tout le monde pour servir tes propres intérêts," Marielle replied in retaliation but thankfully at a much lower decibel level.
Alison narrowed her eyes. "I do understand French. And yes, Emily is right; I used to manipulate things for my own advantage. But I don't do that anymore."
"I don't believe you," Marielle snapped.
"I don't care what you believe," Alison scoffed.
"You need to stay away from her," Marielle warned again as she regained her courage and took a step closer to Alison.
Alison grabbed Pepe's collar. He wouldn't attack unless Alison commanded him to but she could sense his growing anxiety and she didn't want him to do anything unexpected.
"I don't need to do anything." Alison was getting bored with this conversation.
"You do if you know what's good for you." Marielle's words lost some of their punch as she simultaneously stepped back again when Pepe's growling grew louder.
"Pepe cut it out," Alison commanded the dog before she addressed Marielle again. "Look, what was your name again?"
"Marielle," the brunette said through clenched teeth.
"Look, Marielle, you need to back the hell off because I don't take kindly to threats. And neither does Pepe." Alison patted him on the head and he bumped into her leg in a show of support. "I lived here first." Alison continued and took another step further out onto the porch because she refused to be intimidated by the brunette. "I didn't seek Em out. But if you think I'm going to just walk away again, you're delusional."
"You're only going to hurt her by coming back into her life again," Marielle accused as her eyes flashed angrily.
"I have no intention of hurting her. It's one of the two of us," Alison motioned between them with her hand. "That's going to end up hurt in this scenario."
"She doesn't want you here."
"Then let her tell me that." Alison tried to keep calm but she was starting to get really annoyed. "I'm sure Em told you horror story after horror story about me and what a selfish, cruel bitch I was."
Marielle's facial expression told Alison she was right. The blonde didn't necessarily blame Emily for that but it still hurt to know.
"But I'm not that person anymore. And I never stopped loving her," Alison said making sure Marielle was clear on that one point.
"Do you even know how? Emily always said she didn't think you did."
Alison refused to acknowledge Marielle's dig.
"There are a lot of things I hid from Emily back then. My feelings were only one of them."
"I make her happy," Marielle insisted. "I've always made her happy."
"Maybe you do," Alison spoke swiftly but Marielle just continued to talk over her as the brunette's temper began to rise again along with her voice.
"I've never hurt her like you have."
"Probably not," Alison admitted ruefully. "But I can make her happy too," she added.
"What are you saying?" Marielle asked suspiciously and Alison decided to lay her intentions on the table.
"I'm saying I'm not walking away from her again," Alison stated plainly. "If she wants me I'm hers."
"Why would she want someone who has done nothing but hurt her?" Marielle scoffed in disbelief.
"The heart wants who the heart wants." Alison knew it was cliché but she didn't care.
"And if she doesn't?" Marielle asked.
Alison released a long breath. "Then I'll respect that." Alison wasn't sure if she was capable of stepping back now but there was no way she was going to admit that to Marielle. "But I will tell you this, Marielle." Alison's voice lowered as she prepared to make her intentions very clear. "If Emily wants me, not you or anyone else on earth is going to keep me from her."
"Now who's the delusional one?" Marielle said but Alison could hear the worry starting to creep into her voice. But that didn't stop the feisty brunette from standing her ground. "Get this through your thick skull, Alison, Emily doesn't want you anymore."
"Don't kid yourself. You might have distracted her for a while but she's never stopped wanting me." Alison knew her words were cruel but she always lashed out when attacked and she was feeling that way now.
"You mean nothing to her anymore," Marielle said and Alison wondered if that was how she looked when she used to cruelly try to tear her enemy down.
She felt her face flush with anger because there was still that part of her, deep down, that worried Marielle was right. So in typical Alison fashion she lashed out again.
"Then why did she have her tongue down my throat four hours ago?"
Marielle's face went white. For a brief second Alison felt bad. But it quickly vanished as Marielle reached out and slapped her across the face.
"Comment oses-tu, pétasse!"
"Marielle, what are you doing?" Emily's shocked voice came from the walkway behind her.
Alison's eyes whipped to the brunette who was standing no more than ten feet away from them and she muttered "Fuck!" under her breath. She could see Emily's eyes wide and full of shock and confusion.
Pepe had crouched, ready to attack, when Marielle slapped Alison, but when he heard Emily's voice, he immediate changed course and went scurrying off the porch and down the walkway to where the brunette stood.
So much for her guard dog.
"Emily," Marielle said as she spun around surprised.
"What the hell is going on here?" Emily asked as she looked between the two women in front of her. Pepe was trying to jump on her and get her attention and she absently reached down to pat him in response.
"This isn't what it looked like," Marielle said as she turned more fully to look at Emily.
"It looked like you just slapped Alison and called her a bitch." Emily was stunned because although Marielle sometimes had a volatile temper she wasn't a physically violent person.
"Then it was exactly what it looked like," Alison again muttered under her breath but neither Emily nor Marielle were paying attention to her.
Alison lifted her hand to her stinging cheek. Marielle had a hit her pretty good.
Emily walked the rest of the way up the walkway to the porch, shocked and upset by what she'd just witnessed.
"What are you doing here, Mari?" Emily asked.
"I could ask you the same thing," Marielle accused defensively.
Emily shot a quick glance at Alison who wasn't even trying to pretend she wasn't listening. "I decided to take a walk to try to clear my head."
"And you just ended up here?" Marielle asked disbelievingly.
Emily didn't have an adequate answer for her girlfriend. She hadn't intended to come to Alison's. She just started walking and the next thing she knew she'd walked two miles and was on Alison's street. The brunette knew she should have turned around and gone home but something compelled her to keep going. By the time she was only a few houses away, Emily had decided she was going to see Alison and tell her they couldn't see one another again because Emily wasn't willing to jeopardize her relationship with Marielle.
But then she saw what she recognized at Marielle's car parked on the street in front of Alison's condo. She suspected her girlfriend had come to confront Alison but she never expected to find Marielle slapping the blonde. It stunned and upset her but there was a small part of her wasn't surprised. Marielle had always been very protective of Emily and her temper could sometimes get the better of her.
Emily reached for Marielle's hand. "Mari, let's go home and talk."
Alison looked away because she couldn't bear to see the two of them.
"I know you're probably curious but why did you come here? I would have answered anything you asked."
Marielle looked quickly over at Alison and her eyes held a warning in them and the blonde instantly realized Marielle didn't intend to be honest with Emily. She narrowed her eyes. She was not going to let her mermaid be lied to about this.
"Yeah you probably should talk about why she came here," Alison said cryptically.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Emily finally looked at Alison again and she could see the blonde standing defensively with her arms crossed.
"You should ask your girlfriend," Alison suggested with a snort.
Pepe plopped himself down on the stoop beside Alison's feet, clearly done trying to vie for attention that no one was willing to give him.
Emily looked back at Marielle and her girlfriend's eyes were unreadable. That was disconcerting because Marielle was usually always so easy to read.
"Mari?" Emily said but Marielle just looked away. Emily felt a knot form in her chest so she looked back at the blonde. "Alison?"
"You tell her or I will," Alison said to Marielle rather than answer Emily's question.
"Stay out of this," Marielle snarled as she whipped her head in Alison's direction and glared.
"I won't lie to her," Alison replied more calmly than she felt because she knew Emily was going to be furious with her. But what else was new? And this was Alison's chance to come clean about yet one more thing.
"That's rich coming from you," Marielle scoffed. "All you've ever done is lie to everyone."
"I won't lie to her ever again," Alison replied honestly.
Emily looked between her girlfriend and Alison with confusion etched on her face but the knot in her chest grew ever tighter.
"Well someone better tell me the truth right now," Emily demanded as she pulled her hand out of Marielle's.
"You know what," Alison said as she finally dropped her arms to her sides. "This is between the two of you. I'm going to leave you to it."
The blonde turned and walked into the house without another word. She tugged Pepe along with her into the house before closing the door behind her and leaving Emily and Marielle on the porch.
It killed her to do it. To leave Emily without knowing what Marielle was going to say about their previous meeting. But it really didn't matter. If Emily wanted to know her side of it she'd come to her. And Alison had to trust that she would.
The blonde knew it was a gamble that could backfire horribly, but to get in the middle of Emily and Marielle was a mistake. And, honestly, it hurt too much to continue to watch them together.
It was one thing knowing Emily had a girlfriend and it was another entirely to have to see it.
Pepe barked at her almost as if asking her what the hell she was thinking.
"What did you expect me to do?" she snapped him. "If she wants us she'll come back.
Alison could hear Emily and Marielle's raised voices outside. Emily was a lot more volatile than Alison remembered but then again she'd been living in France for years. The French were known for their explosive tempers and her girlfriend clearly fell into that stereotype.
Pepe barked again and Alison was sure he was telling her she was an idiot.
"What if she doesn't come back?" Alison asked the dog absently as she continued to question her decision.
No. She couldn't keep second guessing herself. She had to believe Emily would at least seek her out and give her a chance to tell her side. If not, Alison would find her because she was dead serious when she told Marielle she wasn't going anywhere.
She was done running.
And done living without Emily.
The sound outside had quieted. So Alison walked over to the front door and looked through the peep hole. Emily and Marielle were still standing at the top of her walkway and Marielle's arms were flailing as her lips moved rapidly. She could also see the hurt and betrayal on her mermaid's face and she frowned.
Once again something Alison had done was hurting Emily. She closed her eyes and let her forehead rest of the back of the door.
Would she ever stop hurting the girl she loved?
#############
Emily felt the world as she knew it crumbling around her as Marielle continued to try to make excuses for what she'd done. She'd lied to Emily for years and that knowledge made the brunette want to bend over and vomit right where she stood.
Not only had Alison found her in Paris two years ago, but she had deliberately sought her out at her home. Granted she had run again. But that was nothing new for the blonde. That part of the story didn't surprise Emily. But what did surprise her and rock her right down to her very core was that Marielle had not only known it, not only saw and met and spoke to Alison, but she never told Emily it happened. She kept it a secret, making a pact with Alison to keep the knowledge of the blonde's visit from her.
"How could you lie to me like that Mari? After everything I told you about Alison and her lies and how they ruined me. We promised we wouldn't lie to each other."
"I didn't lie," Marielle replied confidently.
Emily's mouth dropped in shock. "Can you honestly look at me and say that with a straight face?"
"It wasn't a lie,' Marielle insisted. "I just didn't tell you."
Emily threw up her hands in exasperation. "That's the same thing."
"Then you've been lying to me for months now," Marielle accused.
"And I've felt horrible about it," Emily admitted honestly. "It's eaten away at me every day."
"Not enough to tell me," Marielle replied as her voice began to rise again. "And you don't think I felt guilty about this?"
"Not enough to tell me," Emily threw Marielle's words back at her. "You've had years to tell me, Mari. Years!"
Although she had never been much of a yeller Emily's voice was starting rising too.
"The more time that passed, the easier it was to not say anything."
"Our relationship is supposed to be built on honesty and trust." Emily's heart broke with the knowledge that it wasn't.
"It is," Marielle reached for Emily's hand but Emily just pulled it away again. She couldn't bear to have Marielle touch her right now.
Marielle frowned in reaction. "We'd only just started dating, Emily. It was so new and I was afraid if you knew she'd come for you that you'd start trying to find her again."
"That wasn't your choice to make, Mari," Emily retorted loudly.
Before Marielle could respond, the front door opened and Emily looked to the right to see Alison standing there again.
"Can the two of you take this somewhere else please before my neighbors call the cops?"
"Alison, go in the house," Emily snapped before looking back at Mari. "I'll deal with you later."
Alison scowled and bit back the sharp reply on the tip of her tongue. Attacking Emily was not what she wanted to do. It was not the way to show the brunette she'd changed.
But how dare she order her back in the house.
"If the cops come and haul your asses off to jail, don't call me to bail you out," Alison snarled instead before turning and walking back into the house, pushing Pepe inside before slamming the door this time, for good measure. She then slammed her hand against the switch that turned off the porch light, plunging Emily and Marielle into darkness. The walkway was lined with solar lamps, so they weren't in total darkness, but Alison felt she made her point.
Take that, she thought petulantly.
Pepe whimpered at the door but Alison ignored him as she leaned against it.
"I know, Pepe," she sighed after a minute of his continued whimpering. "I want her too."
Pepe head butted Alison in the thigh and she reached down and patted his head.
"It has to be her choice, baby."
And it did. If Emily didn't come to Alison willingly, then the blonde would always worry and wonder if it was what the brunette truly wanted.
After another minute, Alison couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. She turned and looked through the peep hole again.
Disappointment and relief flooded her when she saw both Emily and Marielle were gone.
###################
Emily groaned and rolled over, almost falling off the sofa as she did. Her eyes fluttered in the light shining through the living room window. She sat up, her long lean body aching from her third consecutive night sleeping on the sofa.
This was getting ridiculous. She and Marielle had to talk because Emily didn't think her body could take another night of this.
When she and Marielle had returned home from Alison's three nights prior, their arguing had continued well into the night. She was surprised their neighbors didn't call the police about a domestic disturbance because at one point Marielle starting throwing several of her glass knickknacks across the living room when things got particularly heated.
Emily had seen a side of her girlfriend she'd never seen before and by the time Marielle stormed off to the bedroom and locked the door, to say Emily's head was spinning would be an understatement.
Emily was the wronged party in this situation but she felt like it was all her fault. Okay, she didn't tell Marielle about seeing Alison for almost two months. She could admit that wasn't one of her wisest decisions lately. But Marielle had lied to her for years. Emily felt like their entire relationship was built on a lie and a secret but Marielle couldn't see that. She had apologized to Emily but still defended her decision with the excuse that she didn't want to see Emily get hurt.
And that was a cop out as far as Emily was concerned.
She loved Marielle, genuinely loved her. Yes, she was hurt and angry but that didn't mean her love for her girlfriend was gone. She and Marielle had two years together, two incredibly great years. But as soon as Emily started thinking about those two incredibly great years, she remembered they started out with a monumental lie between them.
One that, had she known at the time, could have changed the course of Emily's life.
Two years ago she really liked Marielle. They had been friends for a little over a year and had just taken the next step into dating. And now Emily loved the woman who had become the most important person her life and who had moved halfway across the world to be with her.
But the brunette was torn and confused and didn't know what to do because all these feelings for Alison had resurfaced too. Feelings she thought she'd let go of and ones she didn't want to feel.
But she did. And trying to talk herself out of it made not one damn bit of difference.
She and Marielle hadn't spoken since that night. After Marielle threw Emily's pajamas out of the bedroom and locked the door, Emily settled onto the couch for the night. They both needed space so it was probably for the best.
The next morning, even though she didn't think she was going to be ready yet, Emily expected they would talk. She tossed and turned and finally fell asleep just before dawn, but when she woke a couple of hours later, she found Marielle had already left for work.
By the time Emily got home from the restaurant that night, Marielle was already in bed, again having locked the bedroom door. At least she'd made up the couch for Emily and left her pajamas on the coffee table. Marielle was hurt by Emily's admission that she still felt something for Alison and Emily couldn't blame her. But when her girlfriend asked her point blank, she refused to lie. She refused to let another lie fester between them and Emily figured that's why Marielle was avoiding her.
The following morning, Marielle left very early, quietly sneaking out before Emily woke. And again last night, Marielle was already in bed, having made up the sofa for Emily a second time. She hadn't locked the bedroom door, though, and Emily quietly snuck inside and watched her girlfriend sleep for over an hour, before leaving the room and going back to her makeshift bed on the couch.
How had her life gotten so screwed up so fast?
Emily stretched as the silence in the apartment settled over her. She could tell Marielle was already gone. Again.
She grabbed her phone off the table to see the alarm she'd set the previous night had been turned off and concluded Marielle must have done it before she left.
Emily picked up her phone and dialed Marielle's number. After one ring it went to voice mail indicating the phone was off.
"Mari," Emily started once Marielle's greeting ended. "We can't keep doing this. We have to talk. I'll try to get out of work as quick as I can tonight but please wait up. I know we're both hurt and angry but we can work through this. I love you, Mari."
Emily hit end on her phone, leaned back against the cushions and sighed. She debated calling Pierre to say she was sick and couldn't go in tonight so she could be there when Marielle got home from work. But she still felt bad about the way she acted the day Alison was there, even though Pierre told her not to worry. But Emily did worry because she adored her boss, and his opinion of her mattered. And she loved her job and didn't want to take a chance of jeopardizing it.
But Emily was determined to talk to Marielle tonight even if she had to break down the bedroom door.
Her phone rang in her hand and she looked down quickly, hoping it was Marielle, but instead she saw Hanna's face smiling at her. She groaned and debated ignoring the call, but she'd avoided her blonde friend for almost a month now. In fact she'd not taken calls from Spencer or Aria either. While Hanna had honored her request for a while and didn't call her for a couple of weeks, she left Emily a message the other day begging Emily to call her back.
Emily got the message just before she went to Alison's studio. And after the clusterfuck that day had turned into, returning Hanna's call had not been a priority.
"Hi, Han," Emily said into the phone as she brought it to her ear.
"Well it's about fucking time," Hanna said into her ear. "I know you're mad Em, but just hear me out."
The sound of Hanna's voice was both a balm and a razorblade to Emily's soul. She needed her friend desperately right now. But at the same time, hearing the familiar voice reminded her she'd been lied to by everyone she trusted.
"Hanna," Emily started to say but Hanna interrupted her.
"I was wrong," the blonde blurted out. "We all were, Em. But we just did it because we love you and you have to forgive us. We just didn't want to dredge up a past you'd moved on from."
"Hanna, you don't lie to the people you love." As Emily said the words, the irony was not lost on her.
"It wasn't a lie," Hanna insisted.
"A lie of omission is still a lie Hanna."
Why couldn't any of the women in her life understand that?
The blonde on the other end of the phone was silent. After all what could she say?
"And I know you love me," Emily continued. "And didn't mean to hurt me. But you did."
"I'm sorry, Em," Hanna said sincerely.
"I know," Emily sighed.
"I'll do anything to make it up to you," Hanna offered in her ear.
"Oh you will, for sure," Emily said and she wasn't kidding. She was going to make the blonde work for her forgiveness. "But I don't have time to get into it with you today. I've got a lot going on and I'll have to call you back in a few days."
"What did Alison do?" Hanna growled through the phone.
Her question made Emily furious. Of course Hanna would assume Alison was at fault. While there were many things Alison had done and many reasons Emily still had to be upset with her, Emily found with this one thing, she was more upset with Marielle than Alison. After all Alison only did what she was accustomed to doing. Running.
But it was her girlfriend who had deceived her.
"Hanna I'm not going to do this with you," Emily warned in a low tone. "Alison is an off limits topic for us. Effective now."
"Fine," Hanna grumbled and Emily knew she wasn't happy about it. "But if I have to come out there and kick her ass I will."
"Enough, Hanna. I'll call you in a couple of days," Emily said and didn't wait for a reply before she hung up.
She tossed her phone onto the table and laid back down, burying her face under the pillow.
In addition to everything going on with Marielle, she still had to deal with Alison. The blonde had more answering to do now but Emily needed to make things right with Marielle before she even dared to see Alison again. Not that she knew what she'd do when she did.
She was kind of surprised and maybe, if she was honest, a little bit disappointed that Alison hadn't tried to contact her. The blonde knew where Emily worked and could have easily stopped in or left a message at the restaurant.
They hadn't left things on a very good note after her visit to Field's House. Her head was still reeling from everything Alison revealed that day. Then the bombshell that was dropped on her that very same night, just made everything with Alison even more confusing. On top of all that and with the chasm between her and Marielle at the moment, Emily felt more alone than she had in a very long time.
In the early days when she was searching for Alison, she did it alone. Everyone kept telling her she was wasting her time and no one, not even her friends, understood why she had to do it. Spencer had given her the contact for the private investigator but only because Emily had begged her. And the brunette had to travel to Paris alone and search for Alison with no one to help. Part of Emily still resented all of them for also abandoning her.
But since Marielle had come into her life, Emily no longer felt alone.
Until now.
The other day Alison had shown her a side of herself that made Emily want to weep with joy because she hadn't been mistaken about the blonde. After so long even Emily doubted her opinion of Alison, thinking maybe everyone was right and she really was a soulless monster like her sister. But Emily never believed it, was never willing to believe she had been so utterly wrong about the girl she loved. Because if she had been that wrong, it meant she'd loved a monster.
And as it turned out, Alison was anything but. She was kind and generous and incredibly selfless, giving everything she had to help those young girls, who like her were on the run and living on the streets. Whether it was of their own making or whether they were victims, Alison did everything in her power to protect them.
Emily knew it was because Alison had no one who had protected her when she needed it and that knowledge still made Emily's heart break a little.
Alison wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but seeing that side of the blonde just reaffirmed everything Emily thought and believed about Alison, including that the feelings she had for the blonde weren't misguided.
And that left Emily well and truly fucked at the moment.
She had no one she could talk to because Hanna was clearly out of the question, as were her other friends. She couldn't talk to her parents because they were still angry with the blonde for breaking their little girl's heart. She could just imagine her mother's reaction if she knew Alison was back in Emily's life. That would not go over well.
So, instead, Emily stood up and stretched. She needed a good long run to clear her mind before she went to work. Maybe that would help her figure out just what she needed to do to make things right with Marielle and what in the hell she could do about her resurfacing feelings for Alison.
She changed into her running clothes quickly before grabbing her keys and her iPod and she left the apartment determined to head in the opposite direction of Alison's house.
#################
What had started out as good intentions when she left her house had still brought her to the exact place she intended to avoid. Emily looked up the walkway to Alison's condo and scolded herself for ending up there. She deliberately headed north but somehow, without realizing it, she got turned around and over and was now in the one place she didn't want to be.
Talking to Alison again before she and Mari worked things out was probably a mistake she'd regret. But she wanted to know Alison's side of the story. She needed to know why, after that many years, the blonde had finally come to her only to just walk away without seeing her. And why hadn't Alison told her about it when they had their talk the other day. Emily was certain Alison hadn't told her everything that day, but this was a pretty significant thing to have left out.
As she ran, almost unconsciously changing course. Emily talked herself into thinking that having Alison's side before she talked to Marielle would give her a more balanced view of things.
Who the hell was she kidding? That excuse sounded lame even to her.
For at least ten minutes Emily stood there debating whether or not to walk to the door, before she decided to leave. She wasn't ready to see Alison yet. And part of her wondered when and if she would be again.
Just as she was about to turn and start jogging away from the house, the front door opened and Pepe came bounding out, heading straight towards her. The dog was barking and jumping excitedly to see her. She crouched down and scratched his scraggly ears and neck as he licked at her face.
"Hi Pepe," she laughed despite her poor mood because all eighty pounds of fur of him really was just the cutest thing.
Emily lifted her eyes and was surprised to see a different blonde than she expected.
"Hey Americano," Cece greeted as she walked down the walkway carrying Pepe's leash.
"Cece," Emily said her name more casually than she felt as she stood up.
"Come here, Jaws, let's put on your leash," she said to the dog and Emily looked at her curiously.
"Jaws?"
"We'll see what you call him after he bites you on the ass," Cece replied as she walked closer to Emily and bent down to clip the leash to Pepe's collar.
Not sure she wanted to know why Pepe bit Cece; Emily decided it was best not to inquire.
"I'd ask what brings you by," Cece continued with a smirk. "But we both know the answer to that so we might as well not play games."
Pepe plopped himself down on Emily's feet, almost like he was trying make it so she couldn't walk away.
"I was just out for a run," Emily replied a bit defensively, even though showing up at Alison's house was becoming a habit for her whether she was running or walking.
"And you just ended up in front of Ali's place? What a fortuitous coincidence," Cece replied drolly as she gave Emily the once over. "If you're here to see Alison she's out of town until tomorrow."
"Out of town?" Emily asked surprised. The blonde hadn't said anything to Emily the other day about going out of town. Then again she didn't owe Emily information about her whereabouts.
"Yeah, she's at a shoot in New York."
"And you're watching Pepe for her?" Emily asked, not sure what else to say because, as much as she wanted them she refused to ask for details.
She shouldn't want details.
"Nothing gets by you, does it?" Cece replied sardonically.
Emily wasn't sure if she was disappointed or relieved that Alison wasn't around.
"Always a pleasure to see you Cece," Emily replied just as sarcastically as she pulled her feet out from beneath Pepe and started to turn away. She was not in the mood to engage the blonde in a sparring match.
"Emily," Cece called after her and the brunette turned back and arched a brow in question.
"If you're just going to fuck with her heart, stay away from her." Cece's tone had taken on a harder edge.
"Excuse me?" Emily's asked.
"You heard me," Cece replied firmly. "If you don't want her anymore you have to fucking tell her so she can finally move on."
"Cece, you need to stay out of this," Emily warned the blonde. "This doesn't concern you."
"Yes it fucking does," Cece snarled. "I'm the one who has to deal with the aftermath. I can't pick up the broken pieces of her again."
Part of Emily wanted to ask Cece just how bad it had been with Alison, but the look in the blonde's eye told her volumes. Emily swallowed back the lump that had formed in her throat at the thought of how much Alison had suffered after what happened with Courtney.
"There's nothing between me and Alison anymore."
Cece scoffed under her breath. "Try telling her that."
"I have a girlfriend," Emily insisted.
"You and I both know that doesn't mean shit most of the time."
"It does to me."
Cece looked at her for a long moment, her expression clearly indicating she didn't believe a word Emily said.
"Should I tell her you came by?" Cece asked and Emily felt her face flush with anger at Cece's implication and her jab at Marielle.
"You really are a bitch sometimes, Cece. At least Alison finally recognizes you were a terrible influence on her when she was young."
Cece chuckled darkly. "So the pretty mermaid has claws. I kinda like that about you Americano."
"Goodbye Cece."
"See you around, mermaid," Cece called after her one last time but Emily ignored her as she put her ear buds in her ears and let the music drown out Cece's continued chuckling behind her.
##############
Emily walked into the apartment prepared for Marielle to be in bed already, but determined to wake her girlfriend if she was. Marielle hadn't returned her call but Emily hadn't really expected her to. Her girlfriend could be incredibly stubborn when she wanted to be. And she could be defiant when she was angry so Emily was actually surprised to find Marielle not only awake, but the bedroom door open and the sofa not made up into a bed again.
With new hope in her heart, Emily walked down the hallway and called out Marielle's name softly.
"Mari," she said as she stepped through the door to the bedroom. But she stopped short when she saw Marielle neatly folding clothes and placing them into a suitcase.
The sight sucked all the air out of her lungs.
"Mari, what are you doing?"
Marielle looked over at Emily and the brunette could see the dark circles under her girlfriend's eyes. Despite how early Marielle had been going to bed, it was clear she was getting very little sleep.
"I'm going to visit my parents," Marielle replied with very little inflection in her voice.
"Why?" Emily asked as she felt her chest begin to tighten with panic.
"Do you really need to ask that?" Marielle said incredulously.
"You're leaving me?" Emily asked, the sound resembling a choked sob.
"I need some space, Emily," Marielle replied before going back to her packing. "And I can't get it living here in this small apartment with you."
Emily took a deep breath to calm herself.
"This has gotten way out of hand. We need to talk about this, Mari. We both screwed up but we can fix this."
"I don't know if we can." Marielle placed her last item of clothing into the suitcase.
"Of course we can," Emily insisted. "I love you Mari and I want to fix this."
Marielle closed her suitcase and zipped it up. She set it on the floor by the door before she turned back to look at Emily.
"I've done a lot of thinking these past few days, Emily, and you were right. I had no right to keep Alison's visit from you. We'd barely begun dating when it happened and even though I did it with the best intentions it was still wrong and selfish and cruel of me. I tried to justify it to you and to myself but there is no excuse and I wouldn't blame you if you can't forgive me."
"I can forgive you, Mar. I do," Emily said desperately as she stepped closer to her girlfriend. "I know you'd never deliberately hurt me. I'm still feeling raw from finding out Hanna and the girls lied to me all this time and I probably just overreacted."
Emily didn't think she was overreacting but she'd say anything she thought might get Marielle to reconsider leaving.
"Please don't go, Mari."
"Emily, listen to me," Marielle said as she picked up her suitcase. "I'm going. I'm booked on a flight that leaves at 2 a.m. and the cab will be here in a few minutes to take me to the airport."
She turned and walked down the hallway to the living room and Emily followed after her.
"You're leaving tonight?" Emily asked as she tugged on the collar of her shirt. It was getting hard to breathe.
"Yes." Marielle set her suitcase by the front door.
"What about work?"
"I'm taking a personal leave of absence," Marielle replied as she picked up her purse and started rummaging around inside it.
"How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know." Marielle looked at her now and Emily could see the same pain as she was feeling reflected in her girlfriend's eyes. "Right now I've taken two weeks and I'll see how I feel after that."
"I can't believe you're leaving me," Emily murmured to herself as she dropped down to sit on the coffee table. "What is it about me that drives every girl I love to leave me?"
"This will be good for us, Emily."
"How can you walking out on me be good for us?" Emily snapped.
"Because you need time and space to decide what it is or who it is you want," Marielle said simply.
"I want you," Emily replied just as simply.
"Oh, chérie," Marielle murmured as she walked over to stand in front of Emily. "Maybe you do. Right here, right now, you say you want me. But what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or next year?"
"I don't know what you're asking me."
"Emily, can you look me in the eye and tell me you don't still have feelings for Alison?"
"I admitted to you already that I do," Emily sighed tiredly. "I can't help that, Mari, but all Alison has ever done is hurt me. It's inevitable that seeing her again brought up these old feelings, but now I can finally put them to rest. I love you, Mari, and I'm committed to us."
"Her shadow has always hung over us."
"I never lied to you about what losing her did to me," Emily said defensively.
"No. And I thought if I loved you enough it would be enough to heal you."
"I'm not a bird with a broken wing," Emily scowled.
"But she did leave you broken, chérie. You even told me so the first night I met you, remember?"
She'd told Marielle how Alison had broken her, had been honest right from the start that she wasn't in a place to be in a relationship with anyone. But once she and Mari decided to date, Emily focused on moving forward, not looking back, and Emily didn't think it was fair of Marielle to throw it up in her face after all this time.
"Mari, what do you want me to do? Whatever it is, I'll do it."
"You need to let me go."
"No," Emily choked as she surged to her feet and pulled Marielle to her before she kissed her desperately. Marielle submitted and Emily felt triumphant for a moment, but then Marielle tore her lips away and pulled out of Emily's arms.
"Please," Marielle gasped as she lifted her fingers to her lips. "Please just give me this space right now Emily."
Marielle's phone rang and she walked over and grabbed it off the counter.
"Hello," she said as she answered it. "Yes, I'll be right down. My cab is here," she said as she ended her call.
"Please, Mari," Emily pleaded softly. "Don't do this to me, to us."
"I'm not leaving forever. I just think we both need some time to think and a little distance to do it."
"I don't need distance," Emily argued.
"Well I do," Marielle replied straightforwardly. "If you love me, you'll give this to me."
Emily realized there was nothing she could do to stop Marielle from leaving so she just nodded her head.
Marielle grabbed her purse from the table and stuffed her phone inside before slipping the strap over her shoulder.
She grabbed her suitcase and then walked to the door and opened it. She finally turned to look at Emily who still stood in the same spot, stunned, as she attempted and failed to blink back tears.
"Au revoir, mon amour," Marielle whispered before she turned and walked down the hallway. Emily watched helplessly as Marielle entered the elevator and the doors closed behind her. She swiped at the tears on her cheeks.
Emily stood there for a long time, looking down the long hallway, before finally closing the door. Feeling numb and empty Emily walked down the hall and into the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed and in a matter of seconds she turned and fell forward, grabbing handfuls of the duvet as she buried her face in it.
Emily started to cry, sobbing harder than she had in years.
French Translations:
"Attend!" Wait!
"Emily ne mentait pas quand elle disait que tu manipulais tout le monde pour servir tes propres intérêts." Emily wasn't kidding when she said you manipulate things for your own advantage.
"Comment oses-tu, pétasse!" How dare you, you bitch!
"Au revoir, mon amour." Goodbye, my love.
Second Author's Note:
So as I was posting I just noticed that the reviews for this story have just about reached the same number as Mermaid and I'm only halfway through this story. I have to say that makes me positively giddy.
So thanks again everyone. Knowing you're enjoying my writing means the world to me.