Disclaimer: I still don't own anything PLL.
Hi everyone.
This chapter turned into a beast. It was going on almost 23k words so I had to split it in half because the second half is still a mess and I wouldn't have gotten anything posted this weekend if I didn't.
Thanks, as always, for reading and reviewing and for your patience.
I know I owe a lot of you replies to your reviews. I'm completely behind but I will get to them eventually. Please know that even if I don't reply to a review I still read all of them and appreciate so much that you take the time to leave a few words.
I'll have another short author's note at the end of the chapter about my updating schedule from now on.
Thanks again for taking this ride with me. And thanks as always to Sophie for the translations.
Oh….and a just little tidbit of information….. This is the chapter that gave this story its name.
Enjoy!
Chapter 6
Emily went through the motions robotically as she beat the egg whites to a soft peak for the chocolate soufflé she was making. Since Marielle left for France over two weeks ago, Emily had been doing almost everything robotically, feeling the loss of her girlfriend like the absence of a limb.
She and Marielle had spoken only once since she'd been away but they had texted a handful of times. Marielle said she wanted space so Emily was giving it to her. It wasn't easy, but she didn't have much of a choice.
And it was ironic because she told Alison that she would have given the blonde space if she'd asked for it after what happened with Courtney. But in reality, Emily wasn't sure if she would have been able to. It was more difficult than she thought it would be to give the woman you love space when she was suffering.
The hustle and bustle of the kitchen around her drowned out her thoughts temporarily as she grabbed the bowl with the chocolate base she'd made earlier. She folded the egg whites into the base, using a rubber spatula, gently cutting down through center before lifting up from the bottom of bowl. Turning the bowl, she steadily continued to cut down and lift up the base until it was just combined.
Emily was thankful for the mindless work because her brain was on overdrive lately. She still hadn't seen Alison since the night outside her house, but more than once she found herself jogging in the direction of the blonde's condo, only to stop herself, usually only a few houses away.
She was sure Cece must have told Alison she'd been by, but the blonde never tried to contact her either.
Emily frowned as she poured the soufflé into ramekins and then slid them into the oven. No matter what she did, she hadn't been able to get Alison out of her mind. She was thinking about her more than Marielle and it consumed Emily with guilt. But finding out Alison sought her out in Paris two years ago was like a punch in the gut. Marielle told Emily her side of what happened but the brunette needed to know Alison's side of it.
Why would she come all that way only to turn around and leave without letting Emily see her?
As she closed the oven door Emily heard her name from behind her.
"Hey, boss," Emily greeted as she turned and found Pierre smiling at her.
"Now you have twenty five minutes for the soufflé to cook. Why don't you take your break," he suggested as he glanced at the clock to indicate she was late taking her normally scheduled break.
"Let me just clean these up," Emily said as she started gathering the dirty bowls.
"I'll get those," he said as he put his hand on her arm. "You have a guest anyway."
It wasn't a suggestion and Emily knew it.
"I'm not expecting anyone," Emily replied but for a split second she thought maybe it was Marielle. However, her girlfriend had texted just yesterday to say she was returning on Sunday and they would talk then.
"She just finished dinner," Pierre replied as he took the bowls from Emily's hands. "And she asked if she could speak to you before she left."
Emily realized it had to be Alison and she was sure she looked like a deer in the headlights because of the way Pierre chuckled.
"Don't look so afraid, my dear; she gave your soufflé the highest praise."
Emily couldn't stop the curve of her lips upward. Alison was so predictable when it came to chocolate. Then Emily's lips straightened and she sighed.
"She's on the side patio," Pierre said before she had a chance to ask.
Emily looked at her watch, calculating how much time she had because she didn't want to risk burning the soufflé, but Pierre just patted her on the shoulder as he walked past, on his way to give the dirty bowls to the dishwasher.
"I'll take care of the soufflé. Take all the time you need."
Emily felt a rush of affection for the older man, who she viewed like a father figure in the absence of her own.
"Two of them need to be filled with crème anglais."
"I got it. I can read the tickets," he said as he waved her away. "Now go. But remove your toque before you leave the kitchen."
Emily smiled again because Pierre didn't like the chef's to wear their hats outside the kitchen even though in most restaurants it was required. But Pierre wasn't like most restaurant owners.
Despite her reluctance, Emily found herself walking through the dining room and out to the patio. It was full, as she expected, but she caught sight of Alison, immediately, sitting alone at a small table in the corner. The hedge behind her was covered in small white Christmas lights and the cluster of votives in the center of the table flickered gently, both casting an ethereal glow on the beautiful blonde. She was smiling softly, almost hesitantly, and the sight of her slammed straight into Emily's chest and took the brunette's breath away.
And once again Emily realized how intensely screwed she was.
She shouldn't still have these feelings for Alison. The sight of her shouldn't make Emily's heart race, nor should it fill her with the desire to walk straight over to the blonde and kiss her breathless. But it did and Emily felt her hands shake slightly at she approached.
"Hi," Alison said quietly. Emily could tell the blonde was nervous because she was wringing her fingers together and Emily took note that her hand was no longer in the brace she'd had the last time Emily saw her.
"Hi, Alison," Emily said as she stepped up to the edge of the table. "What are you doing here?"
Alison frowned at Emily's question. "I was having dinner," she replied as if it were obvious.
"But why here?" Emily asked and she knew she was being abrupt, but despite how perfect and beautiful and breathtaking Alison looked, Emily was not ready to see her.
Alison looked at Emily for a moment and then answered slowly. "I like French food and Pierre said I always have a standing reservation if I want one."
Emily smiled now despite the pounding of her heart in her chest. She placed her hands on the back of the chair across from Alison.
"He was thrilled with the article in Food & Wine magazine. Business has been insane since it came out."
"Yes, he told me." Alison smiled again and Emily was sure it was the most beautiful sight she'd ever seen. "Thus my standing reservation even on a Friday night."
When Emily didn't say anything in response, Alison cleared her throat. "Cece said you stopped by the house a couple weeks ago."
"Uh, yeah, I did," Emily replied a bit awkwardly because she wasn't sure what to say to Alison about it.
"Was there a reason for your visit?" the blonde asked curiously. She could see Emily's cheeks flush, even in the muted light, and it sent a frisson of longing straight into Alison's lower abdomen.
She had been climbing the walls for the last several weeks waiting for Emily to seek her out. When she returned from her shoot in New York, she was devastated to learn Emily came by while she was away. She was ecstatic it happened so quickly, having assumed it would take at least a couple weeks for her to calm down enough to even be willing to talk to Alison at all. But then when the brunette didn't come back again, Alison started to worry that she'd lost her chance to tell her side of things. She could only imagine what Marielle had told Emily about their meeting Paris and Alison felt compelled to set the record straight.
Finally she couldn't wait any longer and decided she'd given Emily enough space and it was time to state her intentions.
For better or for worse.
"We needed to talk after that bombshell, Alison," Emily replied obviously.
"You say that to me a lot," Alison mused.
Emily scowled at Alison's rather blasé attitude, but then she wasn't the one that was lied to.
"Probably because every time I see you, you drop something huge on me."
"Em," Alison started to say as she leaned forward, knowing she was about to drop yet another bombshell on her mermaid, but Emily shook her head.
"We can't do this here," the brunette hissed softly, trying not to make a scene. "This is where I work, Alison, and I'm in the middle of my shift."
"I can wait until you get off," Alison offered as she sat back again.
"I don't know," Emily said as she looked down at her watch. The soufflé was close to being done.
"Unless you have to get home right away?" Alison added, trying to feel out where Emily and Marielle might be.
But Emily didn't fall for it. Telling Alison about her and Marielle was not something Emily was ready for either. In all honesty, she didn't know what to say about it because she didn't know where she and her girlfriend stood. And it wasn't Alison's business anyway.
"I have to get back into the kitchen," Emily replied rather than answer. "I have soufflé coming out of the oven in a few minutes."
Alison frowned again. She refused to let the brunette get away without the two of them talking. It had taken too much courage for her to even come here and she was determined to follow it through.
"Well now it's my turn to say it. We need to talk, Em." Emily started to open her mouth but Alison rushed on, refusing to be deterred. "I know you're mad at me again but I think it's only fair you let me tell my side of the story."
The blonde tried not to plead but she was desperate.
"Fine," Emily ultimately conceded seeing the anxiety in Alison's eyes. Those blue depths were always her downfall. "I'll be off by ten or ten thirty."
Alison looked down at her watch. It was only eight thirty. That gave her almost two hours to psyche herself up again.
"Do you want to come to my place when you're done?" she asked as she brushed some imaginary crumbs off the table cloth. "Or do you want me to come back here?"
"I'll come to your place." Emily replied as she stepped back. She just hoped that decision didn't turn out to be a colossal mistake.
"Okay," Alison said as her heart thumped with anticipation in her chest.
"I'll see you in a couple of hours then," Emily said before she turned to walk away, but the soft sound of Alison's voice stopped her.
"Oh, Em."
"Yeah," the brunette said as she looked over her shoulder.
Alison's lips were curved and the dimples in her chin and left cheek were more pronounced than Emily had seen it in a long time. "The chocolate soufflé was to die for," Alison half sighed and half moaned breathlessly.
The sound made Emily's lower abdomen clench.
"Thanks," Emily replied as she swallowed back a moan of her own.
By the time she made it back to the kitchen and found Pierre just taking the soufflé out of the oven, Emily was sure Alison DiLaurentis Fields was going to be the death of her.
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Alison and Pepe paced the length of the living room waiting for Emily to arrive. It was almost eleven and the brunette should have been there already. The restaurant was only a few blocks from the condo so Alison was starting to wonder if she was going to show up at all.
What if she changed her mind?
What if Marielle forbade her from coming over?
What if something happened to her on the way?
The last thought caused Alison to start panicking and she was about to grab her keys and go looking for Emily when the doorbell rang.
Pepe bounded to the door barking excitedly, almost as if he knew who was on the other side.
"Shush, Pepe," Alison scolded as she strode toward the door and pulled it open.
"Where have you been?" she demanded but she felt herself begin to calm at the sight of Emily safe and beautiful on her doorstep. The brunette had changed out of her uniform and let her hair down, so it was flowing glorious and freely over her shoulders.
How was it possible one woman could be so fucking beautiful?
Emily arched a brow. "We had some late customers."
Pepe bumped Emily with his nose before weaving around her legs, always excited to see her. She reached down and patted his head.
"Pepe, leave her alone," Alison scolded the dog as she stepped back to let Emily in. "I was getting worried something happened to you."
"I was only a few blocks away. What was likely to happen?" Emily asked as she stepped into the living room. Like the first time she was there, the brunette was assaulted by the unforgettable and alluring scent of Alison in the space. It was combination of Jasmine and Freesia and it made Emily want to close her eyes and just inhale deeply.
"We live in Los Angeles, Em," Alison replied as she closed the door. "And you're a woman out on a bicycle, alone late at night. You're just asking to get attacked you know."
"I know how to defend myself," Emily said as she moved deeper into the room, Pepe following at her heels and sitting down at her feet once she stopped. Her eyes were drawn to the mantle over the fireplace and fell once again on the photo of Alison and Cece in front of the Eiffel Tower, reminding Emily why she was here. "I took kickboxing in Paris."
Why was Alison not surprised? She took several years of self defense classes herself after Courtney. But the image of Emily kickboxing, sweating and flushed and fierce from exertion as she learned to defend herself, was like an aphrodisiac and it made Alison's entire body throb with need for the woman in front of her.
"Have a seat," Alison suggested as she tried to dispel the image from her head. Although it wasn't a command, Emily took it as one and stiffened.
"I'll stand. Thanks." Emily turned to face Alison now and she could see the anxiety radiating off the blonde. Alison would probably be much more comfortable if she sat down but Emily didn't dare. She didn't plan to stay long. She was getting her answers and she was leaving before she did something she couldn't take back.
"Do you want something to drink?" Alison asked feeling awkward and unsure all of a sudden. She'd been practicing what she was going to say to Emily all night and now that the brunette was here she was drawing a complete blank.
"I didn't come here to have a drink, Alison."
Alison nodded and started wringing her fingers together; Emily's standoffish behavior beginning to think this was a mistake.
"I don't know what your girlfriend told you about what happened-"
"Her name is Marielle," Emily interrupted as she crossed her arms over her chest. "She told me you know her name so please refer to her by it."
Emily didn't mean to sound curt but she was done playing games with Alison. Since the blonde had left the restaurant, all Emily could think about was what she planned to say to her. She wondered if Alison would try to throw Marielle under the bus, so to speak, and deflect the blame over what happened onto her.
Originally Marielle had tried to put most of the blame on Alison but, by the end, had admitted her own complicity in the lie. The more Emily thought about it the more she realized it didn't matter who was to blame. Both Marielle and Alison hurt her. And lied to her. And deceived her.
"I'm surprised Marielle let you come over here," Alison said with a bit of the old Alison sarcasm slipping through, even though she held most of it back.
"Alison, let's not do this okay," Emily sighed as she dropped her arms. "That isn't why I came here."
"Do what?" Alison asked as she walked around the sofa to stand closer to Emily. She couldn't stand having so much distance between them.
Emily tensed slightly at Alison's proximity but she didn't step back. "For you to act passive aggressive about my relationship as you try to dig for information about it. My relationship with Mari is none of your business."
"All I said was I'm surprised she let you come over and you translate that to mean I want information about your relationship," Alison said as she scowled. "News flash, Em, I have no desire to know anything about your relationship."
Even just saying that word in relation to Emily and anyone else made Alison's skin crawl.
"Then why am I here?" Emily asked her voice sounding as tired and resigned as she was feeling. She didn't know how much more of this drama and inner conflict she could take. But her inner conflict wasn't Alison's fault. It was her own inability to let her feelings for the blonde go that was causing all of the problems.
"Because I think you should know my side of things," Alison said simply. "I know you're angry and hurt-"
"I'm not angry at you Alison," Emily shook her head as she dropped down onto the sofa despite her original insistence that she was going to remain standing. "At least no more than I was a couple of weeks ago."
"Huh?" Alison looked at her surprised and confused and, under different circumstances, it might have made Emily laugh because Alison was so seldom taken off guard. But there was nothing funny about any of this.
"You didn't owe me anything, Alison. Marielle is the one who owed me honesty about your visit."
Alison sat down on the other end of the sofa, bewilderment etching her features. Pepe walked around the sofa and sat on the rug beside her feet. To an untrained eye he was just settling down for a nap. But to Alison, she knew he sensed her anxiety and it was his way of providing his unwavering support for the blonde. She reached down and scratched his back.
"You're completely blowing my mind right now," Alison said after a moment. "I was expecting to have to defend myself again."
"You did nothing less than what I would have expected based on past experience," Emily replied honestly and Alison gritted her teeth in response. While what Emily said wasn't completely unexpected, the blonde wasn't sure her and Emily being completely honest with each other was going to work out so well.
"Why's that? Because I'm so selfish and uncaring?" Alison couldn't hold back the retort this time. Emily didn't have time to answer before Alison barreled on. "I'm never going to live my past down, am I?" the blonde hissed as she scowled. As it turned out she was going to have to defend herself again. "No matter what I do or how much I've changed, you're still always going to see me as that mean and self-centered fifteen year old bitch."
"I don't see you like that anymore, Alison," Emily said as she looked at the blonde, her gaze never wavering as she spoke. "Not after the other day. And I never saw you like that except for the times you hurt me. Unfortunately you hurt me a lot, Ali."
"I know I did," Alison almost screeched and Pepe lifted his head off his paws to survey the situation. Satisfied Alison wasn't in any danger, he put his head back down and closed his eyes. "But you hurt me too, you know. Everyone always remembers how much I've hurt them but also, conveniently, never remembers how much they've hurt me."
"I know I hurt you too Alison," Emily admitted, trying to remain calm. It wouldn't do either of them any good if they were both screeching. "I'm not putting all the blame for our past on to you."
"Well it fucking feels like it," Alison growled harshly.
Emily wasn't fazed. She stopped being afraid of Alison's harsher side a long time ago.
"Neither one of us is blameless but you rejected me and ran from me so many times I guess I'm just not surprised that you did it again," Emily said as she shrugged.
"Running was my default for a really long time, Em," Alison said defensively as she picked imaginary lint on the cushion beside her. "And when I came by and you weren't alone-"
Emily held up her hand to stop Alison. "I get why you left that night, Ali. But what I don't understand is why didn't you come back the next day?"
Alison scowled as she remembered the feeling when that door opened and it wasn't Emily on the other side. "Maybe because I showed up on your doorstep with my heart in my hand and found a half naked girl in your apartment."
"You came all that way and then just left because a girl answered my door?" Emily asked incredulously.
"It was pretty clear what the two of you had been doing since her tits were practically hanging out." Alison's scowl deepened.
Emily frowned. "Did you expect me to just continue to pine for you forever?"
"No," Alison barked as she stood up. "I wanted you to move on and find happiness."
"Then why were you so surprised that I did?" Emily snapped right back.
"Because I've never moved on," Alison snarled as she clenched her fists. "I've loved you and ached for you and pined for you every fucking day."
That wasn't the way Alison wanted to tell Emily she loved her but once again her mouth ran away from her.
Emily sat there stunned by Alison's outburst. For the first time in a very long time she didn't doubt the blonde's words. She'd known Alison long enough and, at one time, well enough to know, when she snarled like that, the words coming out of her mouth were the absolute truth.
Alison breathed deeply through her nose as she struggled to calm herself. She was completely screwing this up. She didn't want to fight with Emily and she didn't want to attack her. She'd asked her here to ask her for a second chance and all she was doing was blowing it.
"Ali," Emily finally said as she looked up at the blonde.
"No, don't say anything. Please," Alison begged softly as she sat down again, this time closer to Emily. "Just let me speak or I won't get this out."
After a long moment Emily nodded her head.
Alison nibbled her bottom lip as she steeled herself to make her next confession.
"It took me a very long time to get up the courage to go to you. I'd been keeping an eye on you all along but-"
Emily did a double take. "I'm sorry but what did you just say?"
"I thought you were going to let me talk?" Alison huffed.
"You can't say something like that to me, Ali, and expect me to just let it go. What do you mean you were keeping an eye on me?"
Alison sighed. She was hoping that would have just gotten by Emily without much notice but she should have known better. Not much ever got by the brunette.
"I kept an eye on you over the years." Emily frowned and Alison wanted to smooth the wrinkle that formed between her eyebrows with her lips. "You can't be that surprised, Em. I told you I knew you were looking for me. How did you think I knew that?"
Emily's eyes blazed with anger now. "You knowing I was looking for you and you spying on me are two different things, Ali."
"I wasn't spying on you," Alison scoffed. "Every once in a while I came to Paris to make sure you were alright."
Emily shook her head. "I don't even know what to say about that."
"Then don't say anything. Just let me finish talking already," Alison snapped impatiently.
"Fine," Emily grumbled as leaned back and she crossed her arms over her chest again.
Alison took another deep breath for courage. "I didn't think I'd ever feel like I could be worthy of you. After everything I'd done and everything you'd been through because of me. All the things Courtney did to you-"
"Ali," Emily interrupted. "I told you already-"
"I know what you told me but that doesn't change how I felt back then," Alison interrupted her right back. "You suffered so much because of me and my psycho sister and I broke your heart over and over again." Alison stopped and took a long breath before continuing. "Megan and Cece and Jason convinced me to try even though I couldn't imagine you would ever be able to forgive me."
"You never gave me a chance to try," Emily accused.
"God, will you just shut up already," Alison groaned with frustration and did the only thing she could think of. She scooted closer, reached out and grabbed Emily by the face and kissed the living daylights out of her.
Before Emily could even begin to react, Alison pressed her back into the sofa again and climbed over her, straddling her lap as she slid her fingers into the brunette's glorious hair. The silky strands wrapped around her fingers and Alison flexed her fingers as her lips fused with Emily's in a hard bruising kiss.
She knew this was probably a horrible mistake but she didn't give a fuck at the moment. All she wanted to do was consume the girl she loved whole. So that's exactly what she tried to do.
Alison pressed her tongue between Emily's lips, forcing her way in, and moaned as the taste of the brunette hit her taste buds. She'd been starving for the taste of her since their last kiss in her studio, dreaming of doing it again, and the reality of it was more incredible than she remembered.
Emily felt her arousal and lust rush over her like a tidal wave. For the second time in less than a month Alison was kissing her. And while she knew it was wrong, she couldn't help but respond again to the blonde's advances. She gripped Alison tightly and pulled her body closer as she gave herself over and allowed Alison to devour her.
Alison's breasts pressed against her own and Emily felt like she'd died and gone to heaven. The blonde rolled her hips and ground down on her and Emily gasped into Alison's mouth allowing the blonde to thrust her tongue deeper as Emily met her eagerly.
The kiss lengthened and deepened, their tongues tangling and tasting as their hands wandered over each other. Emily felt lightheaded as her teeth closed around Alison's tongue and the blonde groaned in response, digging her nails into Emily's scalp as she continued to wiggle and writhe on Emily's lap.
Of its own volition, Emily's hand slipped between them and cupped Alison's breast. The brunette brushed her thumb over the hard protruding nipple in the center as her fingers closed around and squeezed the soft globe. It fit perfectly in her hand and the brunette could have sworn her fingers actually tingled.
Alison responded by choking softly into Emily's mouth and trembling on top of her before pulling her lips away.
"Em," she moaned long and low as her head fell back.
Emily took advantage of her movement and grabbed the hem of Alison's shirt and shoved it up. Her mind was clouded with lust and even though she knew she shouldn't, Emily leaned forward and wrapped her lips around Alison's nipple through the silk fabric of her bra.
To say Emily was a boob girl was an understatement. She absolutely loved breasts. She loved the look of them and the feel of them. She loved to caress them and squeeze them and lavish attention on them with her tongue, up and over the soft mounds until she could take hard pebbled nipples between her lips. They were the first things she noticed about a woman even though that knowledge made her feel a bit like a jerk sometimes.
And God had given Alison glorious ones. Emily had spent years dreaming and obsessing over the brief glance she got of Alison's body in the locker room so long ago. Alison had matured and filled out earlier than she and her other friends and it was that moment, so long ago, that Emily realized she would forever believe that breasts should be worshiped for the magnificent body parts they were.
Alison's fingers flexed in Emily's hair again and she arched her back. She felt the sensation of Emily's lips and tongue all the way down her body and settle between her thighs. The pulsing of desire in her body skyrocketed as Emily's name once again slipped past her lips. She'd wanted this for so long, ached for it for so long, she felt almost paralyzed from the pleasure of it.
Alison arched her back deeper, pressing Emily's mouth harder against her as her moans morphed into a shorter rapid panting that matched the pulsing between her thighs.
Lost to the feel of the blonde, Emily again took advantage of what she was offering and she pushed Alison's bra up, needing to take the blonde's bare nipple in her mouth now. When the flavor of Alison's nipple hit her taste buds, Emily groaned around the soft flesh.
Alison's body jerked and shuddered as Emily suckled her. The brunette swirled her tongue around one nipple while her fingers teased and tugged on the other. Alison rocked her hips harder and faster before leaning up and burying her face in the soft chocolate strands of hair just above Emily's ear.
"Em," she whimpered, the throbbing between her thighs increasing in intensity, and she knew her orgasm was not far off.
Stimulation to her breasts, particularly her nipples, was the one thing that could set Alison's entire body on fire in an instant, propelling her arousal through the stratosphere in seconds. More than once she'd come close to coming from the stimulation of her breasts alone, but unless the foreplay and touching progressed to other parts of her body, it would usually just fall short. But Alison had no doubt, if Emily kept up what she was doing with her tongue, the blonde was going to come like a freight train right here and now.
In an attempt to take more of Alison's breast into her mouth, Emily's hand cupped and lifted it higher and her fingers brushed over a jagged scar beneath the right one. Instantly Emily's mind cleared as she realized what she was feeling. It was the scar from when Courtney had stabbed Alison as a child. The one Emily never knew was there, despite her glimpse of Alison in the locker room when they were fifteen. The shock of it beneath her fingers cut through the lust coursing through Emily's body and she pulled her lips away, before bucking and scrambling out from beneath the blonde.
"Damn it, Alison," she panted as she stumbled to her feet. "What the hell are we doing?"
"Something we both obviously want," Alison gasped from behind her and Emily turned to glare at the blonde just as she was pulling her bra back down over her breasts, concealing them once again. Her eyes momentarily caught sight of something dark on the top swell, but it was quickly covered as Alison tugged her shirt down.
"I won't apologize for that," Alison said firmly once she'd caught her breath.
"I can't do this," Emily said as she dropped her head into her hands, sliding her fingers into her hair and tugging on the strands with frustration.
The strangled and tortured tone of Emily's voice matched the feelings churning through Alison's body.
"Why not?" Alison challenged. "You can try to deny it all you want but you clearly crave me as much as I crave you."
"That's not the point," Emily replied, not denying Alison's words. She wanted the blonde so much every cell in her body ached with it.
"Then what is the point?" Alison stood up abruptly. She wanted to scream and rage but she had to remain calm or she'd surely blow this. "What is the point of both of us being here right now?"
"You asked me to come over," Emily replied as she released her hair and opened her eyes, but she continued to look at the floor. The churning in her body was slowing but she could still feel and taste Alison against her tongue.
"That's not what I mean, Em," Alison replied as she took a step toward Emily. This time the brunette stepped back. She couldn't be that close to Alison or she was sure she would reach out and grab her again. "I mean here. Both of us here in Santa Monica. Only blocks from each other."
Alison's eyes flashed with anguish as she again remembered the events in Paris. "I tried to stay away. When I saw that you were happy with Marielle I walked away. Even though every step I took made me want to crawl in a hole and die."
"Is that why you didn't come back?" Emily's eyes whipped up to meet Alison's.
"Of course it is." Alison threw her arms up in the air with exasperation. "I sat outside your building all night fighting with myself. I wanted to go back up there and toss Marielle out on her ass. But when I saw the two of you outside your building the next morning," Alison swallowed as the image of Emily in Marielle's arms flashed before her. "I know your body language, Em. I could see you were genuinely happy. How could I selfishly tear that away from you by coming back into your life?"
"Damn it, Alison," Emily growled under her breath as she walked around the chair, needing more space, before she turned back to look at the blonde furiously. "I'll tell you exactly what I told Mari. That wasn't your decision to make!" Now it was Emily's turn to throw her arms up in exasperation. "Why does everyone always try to make decisions for me?"
"Well I'm not trying to make the decision for you now," Alison replied, a little more calm than she was a minute ago. "But I'm not going to just walk away again either. I can't."
"What do you want from me Ali?" Emily asked with a strangled tone. She couldn't take much more of this or she was going to crack.
"What I've always wanted," Alison said truthfully and plainly as she looked at the girl she loved. "You, Em. I want you. It's that simple."
Emily closed her eyes in defeat. "This is the farthest thing from simple there is."
"You're wrong," Alison argued but kept her voice as even as she could as she finally confessed her feelings, clearly, so there was no confusion in Emily's mind. "I love you, Emily. I've always loved you. I was too selfish and scared to admit it when I should have. I was too wrapped up in myself and what people thought of me. I was too consumed by fear that I wasn't good enough for you." Tears welled in Alison's eyes. "You were this sweet and beautiful and kind girl. You wouldn't hurt a fly, Em, and here I was hurting everyone around me, especially you."
Alison wrung her hands together again as she continued, unable to stop now that she started. "I knew I'd never be the kind of person who deserved you, who'd be worthy of your love. And when I realized you had feelings for me, my god, it terrified me even more. Instead of facing that fear, I turned it around and I used it against you and manipulated you to make myself feel better."
Emily stood still and silent, as Alison spoke, mesmerized by the vulnerability and honesty the blonde was finally letting shine through.
"I was a truly terrible person, Em. And I was an awful friend to you. And I know I hurt you in ways I'm probably still even unaware of, but I'm not that person anymore. I am capable of love. And maybe the timing sucks because you have this whole life you've built for yourself that doesn't and couldn't ever include me," Alison choked over her words but forced herself to continue. "But I can't just walk away without telling you the truth. Because the truth is all I've got now."
The room remained silent for several minutes as Emily digested Alison's confessions and Alison waited with bated breath for Emily's response. Pepe stood up and stretched and walked over to Alison. He butted his head against her hand to let her know he was there. She reached down and gripped the fur of his neck, needing his support.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Alison," Emily finally said softly.
Alison frowned because that wasn't what she wanted the brunette to say. So she just went for broke and laid the last of her soul bare.
"I want you to say we can put the past behind us. I want you to say you still love me and want to give us a try. I want you to let me show you that you can love me and not have it hurt you. And I want you to believe me when I tell you I love you and I will never hurt you again."
With each sentence Alison stepped closer, finally standing a hair's breath away from Emily by the end.
Emily stepped back and shook her head. "I'm with Mari now."
"I know," she said evenly, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her desire to weep. "And I'm not trying to discount your feelings for her. I'm really not. I'm sure she's a very nice person."
"She is," Emily said struggling to hold on to some sense of sanity in this situation.
"I hate that you're with her," Alison admitted reluctantly but honestly. "And I hate that she's had you all this time and I didn't. But I'm grateful to her for making you happy when I couldn't."
"I love her Alison," Emily said plainly because it was the truth.
Alison's knowledge of that truth didn't stop the pain that came swiftly and brutally. She swallowed and breathed slowly as she formulated a response.
"But are you in love with her?" Alison asked the question that could make or break her only chance at happiness.
"It's the same thing," Emily replied.
"No it isn't," Alison said as her heart slammed in her chest like a hammer. "You can love someone and not be in love with them."
"Not when you're intimate with them," Emily insisted.
Alison wanted to scream.
"Fucking someone doesn't mean you're in love with them. I've fucked plenty of women and men I didn't love."
The words were out of her mouth before Alison could stop them. Damn it! That wasn't something she wanted to throw in Emily's face or the point she was trying to make.
The slight surprise Emily felt at Alison's admission was short lived because deep down Emily knew the blonde was bisexual. But hearing her admit it was what surprised the brunette the most.
"Okay, that didn't some out exactly as I intended it to," Alison grumbled before taking a deep breath, trying to get back on track.
Emily held back the retort that was on the tip of her tongue only because she could see how much Alison was truly struggling in front of her. The brunette was still reeling inside from the newfound knowledge that Alison had come looking for her over two years ago, wanting another chance, but only walked away because she thought Emily was happy in a relationship with Mari.
She had been happily beginning a relationship with Mari back then. But if Emily had known Alison found her and loved her and wanted her, even now the brunette could admit, if only to herself, that she and Mari's relationship would have probably ended before it had ever had a chance to start.
And now Alison was confessing she still loved Emily and she wanted them to try to make a relationship work. Her current feelings for and relationship with Mari should be enough to compel the brunette walk away from Alison. But something was holding her feet in their spot like they were glued to the floor.
"Answer me this, Em," Alison continued when Emily never responded to her plea. "Does just the thought of her leave you breathless? Does just the thought of her make you ache with wanting? Does just the thought of her touch make you tremble?"
Emily was about to answer "yes" but the words wouldn't come. She was always attracted to Marielle, ever since the first time she met her. Even though Emily made it clear that first night that she wasn't interested in dating Mari, she was still very attracted to her. When they finally started dating Emily could say with absolute truth that she ached for and wanted Marielle. Their sex life had always been hot and passionate but, as time passed, even though she was still attracted to her girlfriend and still wanted her, that breathless, aching, trembling feeling had faded. Emily knew that kind of relentless passion couldn't and didn't last. That was when a couple typically fell into comfort and affection with bursts of passion and desire.
But standing here in this room with Alison, Emily's entire body felt alive. She could feel the longing and the hunger and the yearning pulsing between them. Her entire body tingled and throbbed with wanting Alison. Her heart was racing in her chest and her palms were sweating and she felt like if she even touched the blonde at this moment, the two of them would spontaneously combust.
And it had always been like that with her. Even when Emily didn't know where Alison was, every time she even thought she'd seen the blonde, the same thing would happen.
It never stopped.
It was still happening as recently as a few months ago when Emily was at LAX waiting to pick Marielle up. She'd almost plowed over an old woman in an attempt to not lose sight of a blonde she thought might have been her first love. And, in this moment, Emily finally admitted to herself that Alison always had and always would have that affect on her.
"You can't say it, can you?" Alison urged as she tilted her head, but Emily didn't dare reply. "Well I can say it about you. I can admit that right this very second it is taking every last ounce of strength I have to not jump on you and drag you to the floor and spend the next month lost between your thighs."
"Alison," Emily gasped at the image Alison's words evoked.
"What? It's the truth," Alison admitted breathlessly and honestly. "I know I have a lot to make up for but I'll spend the rest of my life doing it if you just let me."
"I can't trust you Alison." Once again the blonde felt the hurt of Emily's words come swiftly. "I can't trust you not to run again."
"I'm not going to run," Alison insisted fervently. "I'm done running, Em."
Emily swallowed thickly over the lump that had formed in her throat. "If you break me again, Alison, I won't survive it."
Alison wanted to say if she lost Emily again she wouldn't survive it but the blonde refused to use guilt tactics. The fact that it was a true statement was irrelevant.
Instead she just spoke the truth as she knew it.
"I can't promise I won't screw up again, Em. This is me we're talking about after all. But you will never doubt my love and commitment to you ever again. That I can promise."
"Alison we don't really know each other anymore. I don't know if we ever really did." Emily grasped at any excuse she could come up with because her heart couldn't comprehend the reality in front of her. The reality that Alison loved her and wanted her.
"Let's get to know each other again then," Alison implored in a last attempt to convince Emily to try. "Let me show you the person I am now. Not the Alison of the past. That girl is gone. Dead and buried with Courtney and my parents."
Emily heard the soft hiccup in Alison's voice at the last line and she wondered if the blonde would ever fully heal from the tragedies of her past. She wondered if that were even possible.
"I'm as far from perfect as anyone can get, but I love you, Emily," Alison confessed again. "And loving you is the one thing I intend to excel at. If there is anything I have any chance of attaining perfection at, it's loving you."
Emily swallowed past the lump in her throat once more and, with her heart full of regret, she said, "I can't."
As much as it killed her, Emily forced herself to turn away from what Alison was offering, both figuratively and literally. So she turned toward the door, but Alison grabbed her forearm and gripped it as tight as she dared.
"Em, please don't leave," Alison pleaded. "Not like this."
"I can't, Alison." Emily reiterated as she pried the blonde's fingers off her. The digits were warm and Emily wanted to lift them to her lips and kiss them. But instead she dropped them as if they burned her causing Alison's eyes, now wild with fear, to flash momentary with hurt. "I can't go back down this road with you. I'm committed to Mari and I'm going to make it work with her."
Alison felt her heart crack in the center of her chest. She always knew this was a very good possibility; that Emily would decide to stay with Marielle. Her mermaid was nothing if not completely loyal. But it didn't break Alison's heart any less. In fact, it made it worse because that loyalty could have been hers if she'd just been strong enough to stay.
"I don't think we should see each other anymore," Emily continued before Alison could respond.
Before Emily arrived, Alison was determined that she would do anything to convince the brunette to give her another chance, even if it meant begging. And she wasn't above begging, especially when it came to her mermaid. She had so much she wanted to say, so many arguments she wanted to give but she knew that look in Emily's eyes. That steady resolve that shone through when the brunette made up her mind and was determined to stick to it.
But what Emily didn't know was that her tenacity was nothing compared to the resolve Alison had.
"I'm not going to give up on you."
"You need to Alison. For both of us, please just let me go." Now it was time for Emily to plead.
"Asking me that is like asking me not to breathe, Em. I've felt like I haven't been able to breathe in years; not since before that night in the church when I was overcome with smoke and my lungs felt like they were collapsing. Not since my mother buried me alive and my lungs filled with dirt until I was choking." Alison inhaled a shuddering breathe as she blinked back tears that would no longer be held at bay. "Seeing you again, being with you again, kissing you again," Alison swallowed back the still lingering taste of Emily on her tongue. "I can finally breathe again, Em. I can finally breathe again."
Alison said the words twice because it was the absolute truth and Emily felt tears prick her eyes at Alison's heartfelt words. She ached to reach out to the blonde who she could see was starting to tremble where she stood. Emily wanted nothing more than for the rest of the world to disappear so maybe she and Alison would have a chance. But that was no more possible than time travel or being able to go back to do it all again.
"I'm sorry, Alison," Emily choked softly and she turned around again.
Pepe barked and scampered after her, doing exactly what Alison wanted to do herself. The dog stumbled into Emily when she slowed to open the door and he barked again, but it sounded more like a whimper as he butted his head against her thigh.
"Leave her alone, Pepe," Alison whispered as the tears finally broke free and slipped down her cheeks. She was paralyzed, unable to move or speak any other words. She felt her chest close up as Emily's fingers gripped Pepe's fur beneath his ear and scratched before she looked back at Alison.
Through the blur of her tears, Alison could see tears welling in her mermaid's eyes, as well, and she could feel the pain radiating off her even from five feet away.
"Goodbye, Alison." The words were soft and final.
The door closed behind Emily and Alison sunk slowly to her knees as the girl she loved walked away from her.
She didn't scream. She didn't sob uncontrollably. She couldn't move as the tears just continued to pour silently down her cheeks.
Pepe walked up to her, almost cautiously, and rested his head on her shoulder. She turned her face into his fur and by the time Alison had the strength to stand again, Pepe's fur was matted and drenched.
################
Two nights later Emily jumped up from the sofa when she heard the key in the front door. She'd asked Pierre if she could switch nights so she could be home when Marielle told her she would be returning from Paris. He was accommodating because Emily had gone in earlier in the day and prepared all the deserts that could be prepared in advance and made sure everything was set for any that needed to be cooked on demand. She had no doubt he agreed because of how frazzled she looked. Emily had been more of a wreck for the last forty eight hours than she was after Alison left Rosewood.
What should have been final closure for her and the blonde was anything but. Emily had barely slept, barely ate, and could barely remember the last two days because it felt like she was in a constant haze of pain and confusion and guilt. She hoped Marielle's return would make it all stop. But deep down Emily knew only one thing would make all of it go away.
Only one person.
The door pushed open and Marielle stepped inside. Emily breathed a sigh of relief as she took in the beautiful sight of her girlfriend and she felt her heart throb gently. She quickly walked over and threw her arms around the other brunette.
Marielle stiffened for a moment, and it didn't go unnoticed by Emily, but then she felt her girlfriend's arms wrap around her. But this hug was different. This wasn't Marielle's usual full body hug. It was tentative and loose, like hugging an acquaintance you haven't seen in a while.
Emily refused to read anything into it and just hugged Marielle tighter.
"Mari, I'm so happy you're home," she breathed into her girlfriend's neck.
"Emily," Marielle said her name softly even as she let her arms drop and she shifted to indicate silently that she wanted to be released.
Emily stepped back and forced a smile. She saw the same smile on Marielle's lips.
Emily looked down and then back up again with confusion.
"Where's your suitcase?"
"I don't have one," Marielle admitted.
"Did the airline lose it?" Emily asked curiously.
"No," Marielle sighed as she stepped back and put a little more distance between them.
"I don't understand." Emily's confusion grew, especially when it took Marielle a minute to respond. She could see Marielle was hesitant to explain.
"I'm getting my own appartement," Marielle finally said softly.
"What?" Emily's stomach dropped. Surely she didn't hear her girlfriend right.
"I'm moving out and getting my own apartment," Marielle said again, using the English pronunciation of the word even though she knew Emily understood.
"Mari, no," Emily gasped, denial flooding through her.
"It's for the best, Emily," Marielle stepped toward the dining room and dropped her purse on the table.
"The best for who?" Emily snapped as the shock and denial turned to anger and hurt. "Isn't this a little drastic? We haven't even tried to-"
"Tried to what?" Marielle interrupted. "We can't just go back to the way it was or move on and pretend like this didn't happen."
Emily felt like she had the wind knocked out of her. "But you're just giving up. You're not even trying to fix this. You just ran away and now you come back and say you're moving out with no further explanation?"
"This wasn't an easy decision for me, Emily," Marielle snapped now as she crossed her arms over her chest.
"But you just went and made it on your own," Emily argued. "Don't I have any say in the matter?"
"I've missed you, chérie," Marielle said softly instead of answering and it took Emily a few seconds to get her bearings.
"I've missed you too, Mari," Emily replied fervently. "Please let's just talk this out." She saw the determination in Marielle's eyes but she wasn't willing to give up yet. "If you still want to go after we talk, I won't try to stop you but please let's just try."
"I've had much time to think, Emily," Marielle said as she looked around the apartment briefly. When her eyes met Emily's again, they reflected resignation. "About you. And me. And Alison."
"Alison isn't an issue," Emily insisted. "I told her two nights ago that I want us to make this work. I'm not gonna see her again."
Marielle tilted her hear curiously. "How many times did you see her while I was gone?"
"That was the first time," Emily replied quickly and she realized that it probably sounded like a lie because of how rapidly she spoke. Sure enough, Marielle looked at her skeptically.
"That was the first and only time I saw her," Emily insisted but at the same time she didn't feel like it was right she had to defend herself to Marielle, about who she'd seen, when her girlfriend had just walked away from her.
"What did you tell her?"
"That I was staying with you and we shouldn't see each other again," Emily replied honestly and she felt another pang in her chest as a result.
"Why?" Marielle's expression was thoughtful as she asked the question.
"What do you mean why?" Emily asked exasperated. "I thought it would make you happy if I never saw her again."
"This isn't about me, Emily," Marielle insisted. "This is about you and why you want us to stay together."
"You're my girlfriend, Mari. And I know we both made some mistakes but that shouldn't mean we just walk away from each other. It shouldn't be that easy."
"And it shouldn't be this hard," Marielle said simply. "People can't stay together out of guilt or obligation."
"That isn't what this is," Emily insisted fiercely. How dare Marielle insinuate that was what this was?
"Then what is it?" her girlfriend asked.
It took Emily a minute to decide what to say and she wondered what that meant. "I don't want to lose you," she finally said.
"Mais pourquoi?" Marielle asked again.
"What do you mean why?" Emily's brow furrowed.
"Why don't you want to lose me, chérie?"
"Because I love you," Emily replied the only thing she thought would make a difference. "And I don't want to be without you."
Marielle huffed out a frustrated breath, clearly not getting the answer she wanted from Emily.
"You don't want to be without me or you don't want to be alone because then you would have no excuse to turn Alison away?" Marielle challenged her and Emily stiffened.
"What kind of question is that?"
For a second time, rather than answer, Marielle asked. "Do you want to know when I finally realized this wasn't going to work?"
Emily's annoyance faded almost as quickly as it came and was replaced with curiosity. "When?"
"When you didn't come after me," the brunette replied as she moved closer to Emily for the first time, close enough to almost touch.
Emily furrowed her brow again. "You told me to give you space."
"Yes I did," Marielle agreed. "But so did Alison six years ago. And you still traveled halfway around the world searching for her. If you hadn't, we never would have met."
"Mari," Emily started to say but Marielle just pressed her fingertips to Emily's lips.
"You couldn't stop yourself from going after her even when she told you to stay away."
Emily pulled Marielle's fingers from her lips and lowered their joined hands between them. "I was young and stubborn and desperate."
As she said the words, Emily realized that the desperation she felt when Marielle left was not even half of what she felt when Alison left.
"And you were in love," Marielle added softly.
"I love you Mari," Emily replied sincerely as she squeezed her girlfriend's fingers gently.
"I know you do," Marielle said as she sighed sadly. "I don't doubt that, Emily."
"Then what's the problem?"
Why was her girlfriend giving up without trying to fight for them?
"You still love her too," Marielle replied as she pulled her hand away from Emily's. "Or should I say you're still in love with her."
There was that "in love" distinction, again, that Alison threw at her the other night.
"You always have been. I think I've always known that, even if I tried to pretend it wasn't true." Marielle sighed again as she ran her fingers through her hair. "If she never came back into your life maybe we could have made a life together. But there would still have been a part of you missing. There was always a part of you that was never mine."
Emily wanted to dispute Marielle's words but she couldn't.
"You finally have the chance with her you always wanted. You have to seize it, chérie, or you will live to regret it. And I don't want you to regret anything about us."
"What makes you think she even wants me back?" Emily asked still not understanding how Marielle could be so certain they couldn't make this work.
"Because she told me she does," Marielle replied simply.
And now it all made sense. Why Marielle was so quick to run away. Why she wouldn't even entertain any of Emily's pleas to reconsider. Why Marielle was now standing in front of her willing to step aside to give Emily the chance at the one thing she'd always dreamed of.
Marielle knew her so well. Apparently too well.
"Love like that is rare, Emily. And I can't compete with it. I don't even want to try."
Emily's eyes dropped and she shook her head miserably. "You don't have to compete with Alison," she said but the words sounded hollow even to her.
"Yet when you say that you can't even look me in the eye," Marielle replied and Emily looked up quickly, unaware of what she'd done until Marielle pointed it out.
She opened her mouth to reply but then shut it again almost as quickly. She couldn't lie to Marielle any more than she could continue to lie to herself. She was still in love with Alison. She had always been in love with Alison. She still wanted the blonde with every fiber of her being. The thought of being without her, of never seeing her again, even after what she'd said to Alison, made Emily feel exactly how Alison had described.
She couldn't breathe.
But that didn't mean letting Mari go was easy. It hurt deeply and Emily knew it would take a long time to heal.
"You're breaking my heart here Mari." Emily's face crumbled as, once again, she knew she couldn't stop a girl she loved from walking away from her.
"Better we break each other's hearts now."
She'd never wanted to hurt Marielle. Like Paige had done for her high school, Marielle put Emily back together when Alison broke her. But the brunette was right; gratitude for her presence at a time when Emily needed her was no more a reason to stay together than guilt or obligation.
"I'm so sorry," Emily whispered brokenly as she leaned against the dining room table. All of a sudden she felt like she might fall if she tried to continue to stand on her own.
"Me too, chérie," Marielle replied as she lifted her hand to Emily's face and caressed her cheek. "But I will always cherish our time together and be grateful for that little part of your heart I had for as long as I did."
Emily reached up and held Marielle's hand to her cheek. "You will always have part of my heart, Mari."
"And you mine," Marielle replied as she leaned forward and kissed Emily on the cheek gently. Emily closed her eyes and savored the feeling.
"When are you going?" she asked once she'd opened her eyes again.
"Tonight."
"What? But you just got back," Emily asked surprised she was leaving so quickly.
Marielle shook her head. "No. I got back a few days ago. I've been staying at a hotel and I just rented an apartment yesterday."
As her words sunk in, Emily realized she wasn't so surprised. Marielle was a planner and didn't do anything without having a contingency in place. "So that's it? You just came here to tell me you're leaving me?"
"Don't look at it like I'm leaving you. I'm letting you go so you can be with the girl you've always loved."
"But I love you too." Emily knew someday she would use the past tense of that word when it came to Marielle but today wasn't that day.
"This wasn't easy," Marielle said again. "It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And I'm not being a martyr, Emily. I'm just doing what I believe is right for all of us. You deserve the chance to find out if Alison truly is l'amour de ta vie you believe her to be."
Emily already knew that answer. Even as she looked upon the woman in front of her and reflected on the depth of her feelings for her, it would never compare to what she felt for Alison. Alison was the love of her life and always would be.
"I just pray she doesn't hurt you again," Marielle added as her eyes momentarily flashed with that French passion that was such an inherent part of her. "Because if she does, and I find out, she will have to deal with me."
The ferocity with which Marielle spoke those words left no doubt in Emily's mind that they were the truth.
"Will we see each other again?" Emily asked. "I don't want to lose you in my life, Mari."
Marielle smiled sadly and Emily knew the answer before she even spoke.
"I think for now it's best we don't."
Emily could see how much Marielle was hurting but she was trying to put on a brave front. She really was one of the most amazing women Emily had ever met and the brunette would never regret having met and loved her.
Up until that moment, part of Emily wondered if she had the chance to go back and do it all again, would she take it.
But the answer was no.
For whatever reason, this was the path her life was supposed to take. This was the path she and Alison were meant to follow, no matter how painful it was for both of them, to find their way back to each other.
But Emily wouldn't give up her time with Marielle anymore than she would give up finally finding Alison again.
"I feel so numb; I don't even know what else to say."
"You don't have to say anything." Marielle's words echoed in Emily's ears as the memory of Alison using the same ones in her room senior year flashed through her mind. "How about, instead, we open up a bottle of wine and figure out how we are going to divvy up all of our stuff?" Marielle suggested as she motioned around the apartment.
"I don't think that's going to make me feel any less numb, unless I drink the entire bottle myself," Emily said drolly. The thought of splitting up all their combined belongings hadn't even crossed her mind but now that Marielle brought it up, the notion was daunting.
The only notion that was more daunting was whether or not Alison would still want her after the way Emily had broken her heart other night.
Marielle laughed a soft genuine laugh and the sound made Emily smile for the first time in what felt like weeks, maybe even months.
The brunette held her hand out to Emily as she smiled. "Tu es vraiment adorable quand tu es bourrée. Qu'est-ce que t'en dis, une fois de plus en l'honneur du bon vieux temps?"
Emily took Marielle's hand without hesitation and followed her into the kitchen because, yes, their time together deserved one last hurrah.
French Translations:
"Mais pourquoi" - But why?
"l'amour de ta vie" – the love of your life
"Tu es vraiment adorable quand tu es bourrée. Qu'est-ce que t'en dis, une fois de plus en l'honneur du bon vieux temps?" - You're very adorable when you're drunk. What do you say, once more for old time's sake?
Author's Note #2
After much consideration, I am no longer going to commit to an updating schedule for this story.
What I think often gets overlooked is that my individual chapters are longer than many entire stories here. Although I have most of this story already written (I currently have still over 200 pages) my editing process is not a simple proof read, spell check and clean up the dialogue and description.
When I write I oftentimes leave chunks here and there unwritten (with just bullet points so I don't forget what I wanted to do there) but I always complete the majority of the story from beginning to end before I go back and edit anything. When I do, I fill in those gaps and, as is almost always the case, I end up taking scenes out, adding scenes in and sometimes completely rewriting some from scratch.
This is one of the reasons why I don't read anything for the most part when I'm in the middle of a story. I don't like to blur those lines between my story and what I may read.
Needless to say my editing process sometimes takes longer than the original writing. So committing to an updating schedule is clearly not fair to you or me.
My life is extremely busy these days with the launch of a new business and that is my priority. But I am committed to completing this story and I will. I'm just going to have to do it in my own time and I will update as often as I can. I appreciate the nudges though, they keep me motivated and it's nice to know people haven't lost interest in it.
The other 15k or so words of this chapter, which will now be Chapter 7, still need a lot of work, but I'm hoping it doesn't take as long as this first half did. This is a turning point in the story, though, so it's just taking extra time.
Thanks for your understanding.