A/N — this story is winding down. Thank you to those who came along on this (tough) journey with me. I had roughed out a third installment, basically focused on after season 5, but I don't think I can stay in this unpleasant world any longer. Maybe I'll post someday but, for now, I'm going to end in (basically) the same place as the show did with (I hope) a little more closure. xoxo — kals
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Chapter 20: I wanna live with you, Even when we're ghosts
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Captain Jerimiah Utt sat down next to Danny, brushing away a mosquito. The effort was pointless, of course, Cuba was overrun by the damn things and even the extra-strength bug spray that they all wore barely gave them pause. Still, the last thing any of them needed was to go down with Dengue Fever or Zika. "This seat taken?"
Danny glanced at the man, the moment taking every ounce of energy he had left. "Thought you were supposed to be on the transport?"
The transport of wounded to the Nathan James left thirty minutes ago and Danny knew damn well that Utt was on the evacuation list since Tom had Danny read the list to the Nathan James. Nobody even pretended that the order was anything other than what it was — a way to let Kara know that Danny was still around and kicking.
"I'm fine," Utt brushed off the concern.
"You can't lead if you're dead," Danny retorted, exhaustion pulling at him. The last thing he needed right now was to lose Utt. "At least get yourself checked out."
Utt actually smiled. "Do you ever take your own advice?"
That brought a smile to Danny's face. Utt reminded him of Frankie at times. Both were damn good at their jobs — and had no problem calling Danny on his bullshit. "Touché."
"Your boy Miller saved two of my men," Utt continued. "He's not bad, for a Squid."
"I lost one of my guys right after we left the Arctic. A Marine. Benz. I picked Miller to replace him," Danny admitted. "Kid was terrified of his own shadow but there was something about him."
Utt nodded. "He has guts."
"I've lost two full teams since then." He didn't know why he was telling Jerimiah any of this, but now that he began, Danny felt like he couldn't stop. Benz. Berchem. Smith. Cosetti. Ravit. Walker. Cruz. Tex. Danny forced himself to remember that Rick wasn't on that list. Not yet. "Before this started, I hadn't lost a single man. I used to think it was training and good planning. Now I know that it's all just luck of the draw."
Utt considered that. "Miller was clear of the blast. He got hit because he jumped in front of Barco and Johnson."
Danny thought back to the South Pacific, to Wolf and Cruz. He sighed. "They have a tendency to do that. Couple of them went behind my back once to convince Captain Chandler to turn me into a damn spotter while they ran a dingy through a minefield."
"Heard about that stunt," Utt observed. "Also, something about prying explosives off fuel tanks and using yourself as target practice in Greece. Y'all have the reputation for being a little bit crazy."
That, of course, made Danny think about Ravit. The way she would roll her eyes at all of them, telling them that they were nuts. "More like desperate."
"Dedicated." Utt said, voice firm.
"What?" Danny turned to look.
"I can't speak for anyone except the current team, but you aren't crazy. And you aren't desperate, either. Miller made a choice and I bet, if you asked him, he wouldn't regret it."
Danny didn't need to ask to know that Miller would do the same thing again, because he had done it before. "He wouldn't."
"How about you, Green? Do you regret running into the open with a couple grenades to give McCree time to get Miller, Barco, and Johnson out of there?" Utt said dryly. "Because I'm pretty sure that turning yourself into a target in a last-ditch attempt to save a couple of guys who might already be dead falls under crazy, desperate, and definitely stupid."
"No," Danny replied, wincing, abruptly recalling that Utt was technically his superior officer. After running on a team that made their own rules for so long, being back in the command structure was taking some adjustment. "Sorry, sir."
Utt sighed. "Hard to say much when Admiral Chandler went right in there after you."
"He does have his own leadership style," Danny said, fighting a smile. ""We were supposed to head to Atlanta, back when this thing hit. The Admiral decided to keep Doctor Scott on the ship. It's probably the only reason we have a vaccine."
"We didn't train for any of that," Utt said, and it took Danny a minute to realize that he was talking about the Red Flu. "I was doing an advanced mountain training when the pandemic hit. By the time we knew what was going on, orders were to go to ground and wait. So we did. For six months. Until we heard your broadcast about the cure."
Danny had wondered how Utt's squad survived. "Probably saved their lives."
"It did. After those first few weeks, I had to stop letting them listen to the radio. What we heard..." Utt paused. "You lost your team. My guys lived, but I lost some of them anyway. They never forgave me for keeping them away when their families needed them. I still wonder if I made the right call."
Funny, Danny never thought to blame Tom for keeping them on the Nathan James, even after learning what happened in Connecticut. He did, however, understand Utt's regrets. That was an emotion Danny understood. "Sometimes I think that my team had it easier. They never knew how bad it got here. They still had hope."
Utt pulled a cross from under his uniform. "I like to think that God put my team in the mountains. That he saved us so we could be here when we needed to be. That you were on the Nathan James to save Doctor Scott so she could find a cure. That Miller was here to save Barco and Johnson for some reason that we don't yet know."
"I'm not a religious man," Danny admitted, his mind flittering to Jeter. "Although I have great respect for those who are."
"You don't have to be," Utt replied, pulling the cross away. "We all have our own compasses. Someone or something that shows us what's right, and what's not."
A compass? Danny didn't believe in God, not really, and especially not after what happened in Connecticut. And although he loved his country, after Fletcher's betrayal, Danny saw the risk of loyalty to country above all else only too well. But when push came to shove, he did believe in people.
In Kara.
The one person who would never steer him wrong. Who stood by him through good and bad. He might have lost his way — perhaps they both did to a certain extent — but his faith in her had never wavered.
So why the hell was he running away from the one person who helped him make sense of this crazy world?
"Yeah," Danny replied softly, turning his ring around and around. "I guess that we do."