Chapter 45:

I'm slowly, but surely, coming back! Please enjoy!

I sat stiffly on my bed as the Pack filed out of my room. They were going to spend some time in Stella's for a bit to give me time alone. We had arranged the other day for Charlie and Sue to leave and take a day in the city together—after filling Sue in on our plan—and now I was to be completely alone for when the Cullens arrived.

The Pack completely hated the idea of leaving me alone with the Cullens; especially for an entire day. The moment I told them the night after I had texted Rosalie, they did everything they could to let me know what they thought of the idea.

It took nearly an hour to get them to calm down and finally see reason in why I should talk with the Cullens. After they calmed, they began to lessened on giving their outright displeasure of the situation, and instead periodically asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with it.

I was annoyed with their constant pestering on the matter of my sanity, but I was grateful they even went along with the idea in the first place. They could have continued to argue with me and refuse to go along with it, but they kept their thoughts to themselves and cooperated, so I put up with the questions.

I took in a breath and watched Emily give me a smile of encouragement before being the last to leave my room with Sam. I listened to their heavy footsteps head down the stairs and got off my bed to look out the window. They moved out of the house piled into the car with small waves and smiles before they drove off to town.

I took in another breath to calm my racing heart and headed downstairs. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a V8. I took in another breath. With a glance at the time, I counted only a few minutes before they arrived. I exhaled and forced my shoulders to relax.

This was the first time I was going to be completely alone with the Cullens. Sure I had the children—sans Edward—in my room before, but I still had Charlie in the house and it wasn't every single Cullen. I hadn't been alone with the Cullens for nearly two years now—since the day of my birthday, actually, and we all know how that went.

This was a very large step for me, and I could feel my stomach flutter at the mere thought of being alone with them.

I took a drink of my V8 when I heard a knock on the door. I set my drink down, turned on my heel, and walked out of the kitchen to the door. I took in another breath when my heart began to accelerate just a tick again. I paused in front of the door and closed my eyes for a moment.

This was it.

It was time.

I opened my eyes and grabbed the doorknob. I pulled the door open to reveal the six Cullens standing on my doorstep. From merely looking at their expressions, I could tell they were just as nervous as I was for this meeting. Carlisle was holding tightly onto Esme in the front with the woman leaning into him slightly for comfort. Behind them, Jasper was holding Alice's hand tightly and Emmett had Rosalie in his arm with a nervous smile.

Wordlessly—unsure of what else to do—I stepped aside and they filed in silently. I held the door for them, giving Rosalie a small smile when she grabbed my hand as she walked past and made eye-contact with me. I squeezed her hand and dropped. I shut the door after her and Emmett.

The Cullens looked around the house and took in the few pictures we had decorating the area of Charlie and me or the Tribe and us. Esme seemed to admire the simple décor of Tom's home and—unsurprisingly—their noses wrinkled at the strong scent of wolf in our house.

I couldn't stop my small chuckle from their obvious disgust at the scent. Their heads snapped to me at the sound and I walked towards the kitchen again. "I'd say we could talk in my room, but I don't think you'd smell anything less wolf-like in there," I smiled.

My comment seemed to break the tension in the air as they followed me to the kitchen. "I take it you have a few guard dogs sleeping in there," Jasper quipped.

I nodded and went to the counter where I had left my V8. I picked up the bottle and turned around. "Three, actually," I said. I leaned against the counter and took a small drink. "Jacob and Seth pulled the short straw and had to sleep on the air mattress while Leah bunked with me."

"Is that an okay thing to do?" Esme asked.

My brows furrowed. "What?"

"Sleeping with someone in the same bed," she clarified. "Would you not be at risk in hurting your port?"

"Oh." I shrugged lightly. "I suppose, but to do that she'd have to lay directly on it or something. I'd wake up from that before any real damage could be done." I took another drink. "Plus, I've had enough sleepovers with them that they're all pretty practiced in knowing what side of the bed to sleep on and what side not to."

She nodded and Alice sat on one of the barstools. Jasper came in behind her. "Did you sleep at the Reservation a lot?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Sort of," I said. "Depended on the weather and day, I suppose." My brow furrowed and my mouth pulled into a slight frown. "Although, when Victoria was after me, there was generally always someone in my house and another two outside. We didn't want to risk Charlie being alone in case she decided to come for him as way to get to me."

The Cullens shifted uncomfortably at the mention of the redhead. Emmett cleared his throat. "When, uh, when did you know she was after you?" he asked.

"Laurent told me."

"The dude with the dreads?"

I nodded and pursed my lips. "Yeah." I took another drink. "It was in the beginning of my trial. He came to visit me and see if you were still around for Victoria. He was kind of her scout, I guess." I shook my head. "Anyway, he told me about her plan to 'take a mate for a mate' in revenge for killing James. He was supposed to see what she would be up against and then run back and tell her so she could work her way around it." My jaw ticked and I swallowed. "Of course, my blood—as you have all said before—is very tempting for vampires and he decided it wasn't worth it."

Esme's eyes bulged. "He tried to kill you?" she hissed. "Why would he do that? He helped us keep you safe from James and Victoria."

I snorted. "He's selfish, Esme," I said, looking to the woman. "The only reason he did that was because he knew they would die, and he wanted to be on the side that lived. Otherwise, he would've stuck with them. That was why he answered to her when she called him for assistance—she was the winning side from what he knew."

I sighed and shook my head. "But yes, he did try to kill me. He told me it was going to be a fast death compared to what Victoria had planned for me, but before he could do anything the wolves arrived and killed him." I took another drink. "His little spill of information did give the Tribe time to plan before Victoria arrived for me, but it wasn't soon enough to keep her from killing a few people—including one of their own."

"She killed a wolf?" Carlisle asked.

I nodded and then shook my head. "Not exactly," I said. "She killed Harry Clearwater—Leah and Seth's dad. The Pack had just started shifting, and everyone in town believed from the paw prints it was them doing the killing in the forests when it was really Victoria. He went along with Charlie on the patrols to help hide the wolves' involvement, but—like we thought—she was watching Charlie, too." I paused. "We…We think she was going to kill him, but Harry was there to distract her. She killed him instead and had to run because Jacob attacked her and the rest of the party was already alerted of Harry's sudden heart attack." I bit my bottom lip. "If anything, it made the wolves far more set on killing her for what happened to Harry."

"Did she kill anyone else?" Alice asked.

I shook my head. "Not that I know of," I said. "The next thing I knew, she was cornering me in a grocery store and giving me a giant speech on how she was going to torture me."

A few of their jaws ticked here and Esme and Carlisle held each other tighter. "Did she touch you?" Rosalie hissed.

I nodded. "Yes," I said, "but she didn't hurt me." A few of their eyes narrowed in confusion and I continued. "She was going to, believe me when I say she was going to, but she grabbed my hand like this…" I set my V8 down and grabbed my wrist and held it up to my nose. "…while she was talking and smelt the chemo in my blood the wolf scent had hidden. She wasn't exactly gentle, but she was curious when she realized I was dying and let me tell my story about my cancer and your coven leaving." I smiled lightly. "She was…surprisingly empathetic and attentive. She took pity on me, and decided that while she would kill me, it would be a mercy killing more than anything. I was suffering enough as it was, and she didn't believe there was anything else she could really do to me."

The vampires stared at me intently, listening to every word I said while I described what happened between Victoria and me. Becoming a little uneased with their constant looks, I swallowed thickly and grabbed my V8 again. "Of course, the wolves killed her before she could even do that. I made sure it was quick, though. I didn't want her to suffer when she was going to be merciful to me."

The kitchen fell silent for a moment and I took the last drink of my V8. Turning, I tossed it in the trash and Jasper spoke up, "That was kind of you."

I nodded. "I wanted to return the kindness she showed to me."

I turned around and Emmett frowned. "Why would she?" he asked. "I'm glad she did—don't get me wrong—but why? If she was so bent on killing you…why wouldn't she torture you like she planned?"

I took in a breath. "I've asked myself the same thing, Emmett, a lot." I ran my hand through my hair. "I think…I think that in the end, Victoria had hated what you did for so long—for what happened to James—that it became all she was for the longest time. I think when it finally came to the moment of when it was supposed to happen, a part of her was tired of it all—of being without James. I think that part of her just wanted to be with James again, even if it meant giving up her plan."

"But why would she do that, even?" Jasper asked confused. "I've felt a mate's emotions. She would have been so driven to end you the way she planned I find it hard to believe she would give up like that."

I shrugged. "That may be true, Jasper," I said, I glanced towards him, "but in the end, people are more complex than that. No matter what people say about the 'simple types' they aren't really that simple." I looked down. "Victoria was an angry woman, yes, she was a very angry woman in love, and I…I was a sad woman in love—we both were broken." I looked up. "Broken people always have a way to seek each other—to recognize each other. Through all of those haphazard emotions, rapid thoughts and impulsive actions…that broken part of us is always there, and it stays there until someone fixes it."

"Are you saying her complex personality allowed her brokenness to give you pity?" Emmett asked.

I shook my head. "Not exactly," I said. I looked towards him. "I'm saying that even people like Victoria are still that—people. There may be apathetic people out there, and crazy people with guns to force their thoughts onto others, but that is just who they are on the outside. People are complex, no matter if they are human or supernatural, and it is that complexity that gives us layers to get through." I looked down. "Victoria was broken and so was I. She recognized that and she saw we were both hurt by the same people: you." I looked towards them again. "I believe that I was what Victoria needed to no longer be broken. I gave her something and she gave me something that day in the store."

"What?"

"Clarity," I said simply. "A visible path through everything that we were feeling and that we knew to follow. She had the path of no longer feeling so angry and abandoned—she had met someone as broken as her. And me…I had the path of finally seeing the chance I had at life. If the woman who was so bent on killing me—torturing me—could find forgiveness in her heart, then I could find strength in mine. I believe that is why she took pity on me that day: we fixed each other."

The vampires stared at me for a moment as my words moved over them. I could see the emotions swirling in their eyes as they thought my words over and over again. Rosalie was the first to understand, it seemed, with a nod and smile pulling on her lips. She leant into Emmett and he held her tighter, giving her a loving smile as they shared a silent thought of agreement.

Jasper wrapped his arms around Alice's shoulders from behind and pulled her into his chest. "I believe I can understand that," he said.

I nodded and the kitchen fell silent. I looked down towards the ground and shifted my feet with growing discomfort now that the conversation had come to a virtual standstill.

The room sat in a tense silence for several long moments with a growing discomfort on each second that ticked by. I pursed my lips and internally began to build up the courage to break it with something—anything—that would make it stop.

I hated being in silence. It wasn't so much as the silence in general, but the silence with them. I hated sitting in silence with the Cullens. There was too much to be said to allow such a silence to fall between us, and it made me agitated no one was saying what needed to be said. They were the ones who had asked for the meeting after all, and I knew the topic was difficult for all of us, but that didn't meant we had to sit in silence and treat it like a bomb that could explode.

I took in a breath and gathered the courage to speak, but before I could, Rosalie beat me to the punch, "We hate ourselves for it." I looked up from the floor to the blonde standing in Emmett's hold. Like the first time I had seen her after two years, her barriers were not raised nor were they prepared to. Her features were soft and open—vulnerable to the naked eye. She pushed herself a little further into his side. "For leaving you, I mean. We hate ourselves for it."

I ground my teeth together and swallowed. "Why did you leave?"

Esme sighed. "We wanted to protect you, Bella," she said. The woman appeared tired, very tired. She leant against Carlisle. "We loved you, Bella—we still love you. We just wanted to protect you."

"From what, though?" I growled. "I don't understand what you could possibly have protected me from, Esme."

"Us," Carlisle answered simply. "We were afraid of hurting you, Bella, or bringing more trouble into your life than we already had." His head lowered and he looked down while clearing his throat. "Of course, it appears that our decision didn't help much."

I shook my head and snorted. "That's what I don't understand, though! You say you wanted to protect me, to keep me safe, but you didn't need to." I took in breath. "I don't understand why you would think that anything you did was trouble in my life, Carlisle. I really don't."

"How can you say that?" Emmett gawked. "It's because of us that James found you. It's because of us you were hunted down by him and then his mate after we killed him." He pursed his lips. "It's because of us and our damn horrible control that we almost lost it when you had a simple paper cut. What haven't we done to you?"

"Asked me!" I snapped. I shook my head. "Not once did you ask me in that decision. A massive decision that involved me as much as you."

"We knew what you would say, though," Alice argued. "It—"

"It didn't matter, Alice," I shouted. "None of that fucking mattered." I shook my head and ran my hand through my hair. "James was shitty luck. It wasn't your fault a maniac went for a human that smelt good. He would've most likely found me anyways even if you weren't there." My jaw ticked and I glanced at Jasper standing behind her. "And what happened at the party was bad, yes, but that wasn't a reason you needed to pack up and leave overnight."

"But—"

"I'm not finished." I fixed Jasper with a look and he obediently closed his mouth. "I know it sucked—all of it. I'm the one who was either being hunted down or bleeding in a room full of vampires, but did you see me running for the hills? No. I wasn't because I knew that it was all an accident and situations beyond your or my control. I knew that while I was affected by it, so were you and I respected that, and I expected there to be some kind of discussion over it all—maybe even for you to respect me in that sense."

My hands curled into fists. "But, you didn't. You didn't respect me at all in your decision. You are older than me—all of you—and you were involved in all of the situations, but that did not give you the right to make such a drastic change in my life without my consent. You stole my right to have a say and gave it no second thought. You were the judge, jury and executioner of the action without any insight on how I saw things. How is that—in any way—alright?"

Esme looked away from me, unable to hold eye-contact along with Jasper, Alice and Emmett. Esme looked ready to cry with venom tears filling her eyes that would never fall.

Rosalie spoke up lowly, "It wasn't, Bella. It wasn't, and we knew it, but we didn't care at the time." She took in a breath. "And we hated ourselves every day for what we did. Leaving you was the hardest decision in our lives—it was like taking away the sealant that held us together. There wasn't a day—isn't a day—that we don't regret leaving."

"It hurt, Bella," Alice whimpered. She sniffled and looked up with teary eyes. "You were my best friend and I hated leaving you behind. It hurt every day until we saw you at the Denali house."

"We fell apart after leaving you," Carlisle admitted, his head bowed. "Our family broke apart from leaving our daughter and their sister and friend behind. We were never the same for two years, and we stayed broken as our personal punishment until we saw you for the first time with the Denalis."

My teeth ground together as my chest tightened at his words. My stomach constricted in how much honesty, love and sorrow was poured into his voice as he spoke. I could feel tears threatening to fill my eyes. "Then why didn't you come back?" I whispered. "If it hurt you so much, why didn't you try to fix it?"

Esme shook her head and took in a shuddering breath. "We couldn't," she breathed. "We loved you so much, Bella, we wanted only the best for you, and we jumped the gun at the first chance we had because were afraid of what we would do to you in the future." She sniffled and wiped at the tears that had not fallen instinctively. "But as time went on, we realized just how wrong it was for us to do it—to leave you in such a way with such a terrible reason. We let our fear get in the way of our logic and we were ashamed of it. We were ashamed of acting so childishly and impulsively that we hurt you. We couldn't bear the thought of seeing you after such a thing no matter how much we wanted to see you."

I blinked, feeling tears fill my eyes and understanding slowly turned over in my breast. "You were ashamed?"

The family nodded, staring at me with pure honesty and pain. "Very," Jasper said. He swallowed. "As you said, we are far older than you or anyone of our physical ages. We should have been able to weigh our options and make the right choice, but instead we acted like impulsive children and made a rash decision that hurt us and you—far more than we originally knew."

"It wasn't just the shame of that," Emmett added, "but the shame of actually leaving behind someone we loved and was our family so easily. It scared the shit out of us when we realized how fast and rash we had acted. It…It made us wonder what we were really like—it scared us, Bella. It terrified us that we left you so easily."

I bit my lip and took in a breath. I hated how much it made sense to me just as much as I loved it. I liked that they did have regrets of what happened, that they did have repercussions and had actual reasons for their actions. I liked that it wasn't just some complete petty logic that kept them away, but I hated that in the end I understood all of it. I hated that I could put myself in their shoes and understand why they had done all of it—why they had put us all through that pain.

I hated that I understood and yet, even though I had the conflicting emotions, I was relieved at the same time. I was relieved to finally have something. I was relieved to have this wound finally closing over after so long of it being open with a bandage constantly keeping it from my sight. I was glad that I no longer had to sit and question why everything happened the way it happened and why they felt.

I now knew how it went both ways, and I felt like even more weight had been removed from my shoulders. I felt my chest swell from the pure pain in his words and I could feel my eyes fill with tears.

Just as one fell, I felt a cold hand brushing it away. I looked up into Esme's own tear-filled eyes that bore into mine with sadness, love and shame. She took one of my hands in hers and held it tightly while cupping my cheek with the hand that brushed away another tear. "We are so sorry for what we have done to you, Bella. We haven't let a day go by that wasn't filled with our wishes of taking it back, or a chance to do anything to bring you back into our lives." Her thumb gently brushed my cheekbone. "We've missed you so much that it feels liking a gaping hole in our chests nothing can fill, and we are truly, deeply sorry for the pain we have caused you."

I took in a shuddering breath. Her desperation and longing filled what little room for control I had left to the brim and over flowed. I couldn't deny that I had longed for the same thing for the past two years. They had left and imprint on my heart no one—not even the Denalis, Pack or Charlie—could remove or replace with their own.

And so, as I stared into the eyes of the woman I loved as my mother, I felt everything in my body explode with emotions I had pushed away for so long. Another tear slipped down my cheek and I launched myself into her arms, burying my face in her shoulder. "I've missed you," I whispered.

Esme let out a small gasp of shock and joy, but held me tightly in her embrace. She kissed my hair and buried her nose in it to inhale my scent. "I've missed you too, baby girl." She nuzzled me. "And I am never leaving you again."