Author's Note: This story is AU after Season 7, Episode 23: "The Gorilla Dissolution."
The Logical Relationship Alternative
by Weird Little Stories
Chapter 1
Sheldon thought carefully about how to get the thing he wanted second most in the world — after the Nobel Prize, of course. He researched love and sex by reading the dubious maunderings of biologists, psychologists, and anthropologists and the even-more-dubious thoughts of novelists and playwrights. His brain assimilated and integrated everything nearly effortlessly, as was its wont, and then he carefully chose a day to put his plan into action.
When Penny was cast as the lead in a TV show that filmed in Toronto, she had ended her engagement to Leonard with shameful haste and moved out of the apartment across the hall. There had not really been very much holding two such different people together, and while Sheldon thought the break-up was ultimately in Leonard's best interests, even he could tell that his friend was hurting right now.
Hot drinks did nothing to soothe Leonard, and even Sheldon's most heartfelt "There, there" did not have any noticeable effect. After the last time he'd tried to have Beverly intervene with Leonard, Sheldon realized that having her approach his roommate directly only made Leonard feel worse. But Sheldon did consult her privately, and he did feel that she had some insights into why Leonard — alone among all of his previous roommates — had stayed with him for so long.
But Leonard was not the only factor; there was also Amy to consider. There was a time when he'd considered Amy to be very nearly a female clone of himself, but she'd gone and differentiated herself. He grudgingly supposed it could even be called personal growth on her part, though he'd greatly enjoyed her Sheldon-clone days. Still, he knew her very well even now, and he was hoping that he could get something he greatly desired while also making both Leonard and Amy happier than either of them was right now.
Sheldon arranged with Amy for her to appear at his apartment at 8 p.m. At 7 p.m., after ensuring that Leonard actually consumed the nutritious dinner that he'd only been picking at until Sheldon forced him to see reason, Sheldon asked Leonard to sit on the couch while he, himself, pulled his desk chair over to face his roommate.
"Leonard, do you find Amy Farrah Fowler attractive?"
Leonard blinked and stared at him, an expression on his face that indicated he was feeling something, though Sheldon was not sure what. "Sheldon, where's this coming from? I haven't been behaving inappropriately with your girlfriend!"
Ah, the voice was irritated, so the expression must be irritation, then. Leonard did seem to get irritated frequently, and of course break-ups were universally acknowledged to be emotionally difficult. All right, Sheldon should soothe him first.
"No, you misunderstand me. I didn't mean there was anything bad or wrong in the way you interact with Amy; I was just wondering, as a point of interest, if you found her attractive." Sheldon raised his eyebrows and looked pointedly at Leonard. He'd found that his eyebrows seemed to have some sort of power over his friends, so he'd begun deploying them frequently.
Leonard hemmed and hawed for a moment but then finally uttered some intelligible words. "Well, I like how smart she is and how much she cares about science and experimentation. She does have pretty eyes, and I think there might actually be a figure under there if we could get her out of her grandmother's clothes and into something more flattering." He shrugged. "I could certainly do worse."
Sheldon rolled his eyes. "And you have done so. Several times!"
Leonard started making that face again, the one that went with the irritated voice, so Sheldon backed up. "But that's all water under the bridge; I didn't mean to criticize your previous choices."
Leonard gave him a different strange look. "You're not planning to make a clone of Amy for me or something, are you?"
Sheldon recognized that voice. It was the "Are you turning into the kind of mad scientist that superheroes fight" voice; his friends frequently became more assertive right after using that voice. Best to nip that in the bud.
Sheldon shook his head. "Certainly not. It would take a clone thirty years to turn into Amy, and we don't have that long. Plus I don't want to spend all my time raising and educating her. No, it's ... I have a confession to make and a proposal to follow that. This is hard for me, and I want you to hear me out before you say anything."
Leonard stared at him but didn't say anything, so Sheldon wasn't sure what this expression was. He'd just have to say what he'd prepared and hope that Leonard understood him.
"Leonard, you know that human relationships have always been difficult for me. I don't see the world the way others do, and nobody really understands what it's like to be me. I call myself Homo Novus partly to explain to people that if I don't seem to be behaving the way they want me to, it's because I've never really felt like one of them."
Leonard nodded encouragingly. Sheldon had been pretty sure that Leonard already knew what he'd just said, but he'd wanted to remind his friend, since Leonard wasn't blessed with an eidetic memory.
"There are only two people in the world — aside from my mother and Meemaw — who I've ever really loved, and those two people are you and Amy. I've been doing a lot of reading about love and relationships, because Amy has been pressuring me to become more physical and more romantic. I've come to the conclusion, based on my reading, that I don't just love you and Amy; I'm IN love with you and Amy."
Leonard looked startled and opened his mouth, and Sheldon held up a hand. "Let me finish!"
Leonard closed his mouth and nodded, so Sheldon continued. "Although I'm in love with you and with Amy and want to have both of you with me always, the fact remains that I'm asexual. You and the others have long suspected that, and it's true. Amy wants so desperately to have a physical relationship that I'd been hoping that maybe I could become a sexual person for her, but I've tried everything, and I just can't do that, not even for her. And of course you needn't fear that I'll be pressuring you for sex, because I'm no more homosexual than I am heterosexual."
Leonard got an "aha" look on his face, so Sheldon smiled at him as he continued. "I think you understand where I'm going with this. I love you, and I love Amy, and I want both of you here with me. But neither of you will be happy unless you have someone to have sex with, and that person can't be me. But I'd be completely willing for the two of you to have sex with each other. I'd still kiss Amy and hold hands with her, and I can do those things with you if you want them or not if you don't, but that's as far as I can go."
Sheldon looked expectantly at Leonard. "So, do you agree?"
Leonard made the irritated face for a moment, then his face relaxed and he laughed. "Sheldon, buddy, I know this probably feels like a logic puzzle to you, and you think you've found an excellent solution, but people don't work that way! Amy and I haven't really interacted much with each other, so we don't have the kind of connection we'd need to have, to have sex with each other."
This puzzled Sheldon. "But you had sex with Dr. Stephanie and with Elizabeth Plimpton on the days you met them. You already know Amy a lot better than you knew either of them the first time you had sex with them."
Leonard sighed. "That's true, but people aren't interchangeable pieces that you can just plug into the equation wherever you want them! Elizabeth Plimpton was the kind of woman who enjoyed having casual sex with people she didn't know. But think about Amy — is she the kind of woman you can see going to bed with someone unless she's in love with him?"
Sheldon sighed. "I guess you're right. But she does want sex so very much." He looked at Leonard. Would you be willing to date her for a few months and see if she fell in love with you?"
Leonard made another inexplicable face. "I should be saying no, but for some reason, I'm actually listening to your crazy plan. I think it's too soon for me to fall in love again, since I'm still getting over Penny, but in a month or two, I might consider it."
Sheldon smiled. "Beverly told me why."
Leonard made the irritated face again. "You discussed this with MY MOTHER!?"
"Not my plan, no. I knew you were sad about Penny, and hot drinks weren't helping, so I called her and asked her what I could do to make you feel better. She said that I'm so much like her that you see me as a substitute for her, so my affection and approval fill you up in a way that other people's doesn't, because I 'feel like home' to you. She suggested that I make my affection clear to you."
The irritated face yet again. "So you're not actually in love with me; this is just a ploy to make me feel better?"
Sheldon shook his head. "No, I really am in love with you; I'm just TELLING you now because you need it now. And also because I just realized it recently, but Beverly's telling me that you needed it now was what crystalized my intentions."
Leonard tilted his head to one side and looked as Sheldon the way he looked at experiments that were turning out well. "You know, that actually makes our relationship make so much sense."
Sheldon smiled. "I know. And you know I don't like change, so I'll love you forever, Leonard. I won't do much that's different from what I do right now, but you'll KNOW."
Leonard patted Sheldon's spot, next to him on the sofa. "Come sit here and let's try out that hand holding you offered. I think I might want to see how I like it."
Sheldon smiled. "I would, but Amy's due to arrive in five minutes, so I think we should postpone our hand-holding experiment until after she leaves."
Leonard rolled his eyes. "Of course you would. Of course you'd tell both of us on the same day, an hour apart. That probably feels efficient to you."
"Yes!" Sheldon smiled approvingly at Leonard, then thought about the eye roll and sobered. "Is that a problem for you?"
Leonard sighed. "Sheldon, I'm still reeling from having my engagement abruptly ended and having my fiancée move across the continent, so she and I can't even really talk it out. Now you've told me you're in love with me, and I'm still assimilating that, and you're about to hit me with Amy."
"Oh." Sheldon thought for a minute. "Would you like to wait in your room while I talk to Amy?
Leonard shook his head. "No, I think I should be here for this conversation; I think I'll need to know what you've said to Amy."
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Author's Notes
1. Some asexuals can and do have sex, and some don't; Sheldon in this story is simply the way I imagine him and is not meant to represent every asexual everywhere.
2. Why did I have Sheldon talk about "sex" instead of "coitus"? "Coitus" means specifically sexual intercourse, but Sheldon's been reading up on love and sex, and he knows that things like oral and manual sex exist, so he's using the term "sex" because he realizes that Leonard and/or Amy may want more or other than just intercourse.
3. I have a chronic illness that leaves me non-functional most of the time, which means that I am not always able to reply to comments. I do read them all with great attention, though, and I do cherish every single one of them, even when my health doesn't permit me to reply. I apologize for being so limited in what I can do.
4. I don't own The Big Bang Theory, and I make no money from the stories I write; everything here is just fans playing in the sandbox.
5. Thanks for reading! If you liked anything about this story, I'd love to hear what you enjoyed.
6. Because I lived in a TV-free household from 1986 until 2013, I didn't see TBBT until just recently; I binge-watched all twelve seasons from September through December of 2023. So I'm late to the party; I hope there are still some other people here!
7. To all those lovely people who've read my Star Trek stories: No, I haven't abandoned Star Trek, which will always be my first love. I'm just obsessed with TBBT at the moment because it's new to me. Don't worry; my heart will always belong to Spock, but one of the reasons why I'm enjoying Sheldon so much is because he, too, worships Spock. As all right-thinking people should. :-) :-)
8. I'm working on Chapter 2 - Amy's arrival - right now. How do you think she'll react? :-)
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