By: FullParagon
Season 1
A freak accident kills Izuku and his team during the UA Sports Festival. Fortunately, a goddess offers to resurrect him if he manages to save a fantasy world. Unfortunately, that Goddess is Aqua. Kazuma thought he was going to live a cushy retirement in the Divine Realm, but when an irate bird-boy chooses him as his bonus, the only way back to NEETdom is by saving the world. Again.
Together, they Fight Crime. I mean Ainz Ooal Gown.
Season 2:
Izuku and Kazuma sorta saved the world from Nazarick, and as a reward/punishment, they must both face their greatest challenge yet: A high school AU. UA will never be the same again. Especially not if Tanya Von Degurechaff has anything to say about it.
Previously in Belzerg: The Heroes of the Soviet Yunyun must battle against the vile forces of fascism and undeath to free the rodina and restore peace by allying with Team Bakugo. All in the name of the Goddess and Queen.
Wait, are we sure they're communists? Oh. Crimson Demons. Well they're both red.
Status: ongoing
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2024-02-12
Words: 244999
Chapters: 50
Original source: threads/853324
Exported with the assistance of
Chapter 1: Truck-Kun Got Laid Off[img: . ]
This Goddess Must Be Crazy
By Full-Paragon
Beta'd and Edited by The Evil Within
Chapter 1: Truck-Kun Got Laid Off
So many people across America Japan have been Spirited Away to other worlds that the CDC has officially classified it as an epidemic… This is a dangerous disease known as: Isekaitus.
-Isekai Anime Survival Guide by Geoff Thew, Professional Turd Holder
Sweat trickled down Izuku's back, both from exertion and sheer nervousness. He adjusted the headband, feeling as though it should be heavier. Somehow, despite all odds, he'd managed it: he'd taken first place in the Sports Festival's obstacle course event. He was doing like All Might had told him: he was standing up and proclaiming "I am here!"
Of course, he'd also painted a gigantic target on his back while doing so.
"This is going to be so great!" Mei Hatsume, one of Izuku's teammates cackled. "By teaming up with the lead player, everyone will get to see my babies!"
"These are pretty cool," Ochako Uraraka, Izuku's another of his teammates, agreed. "But, do you really have to keep calling them that?"
"What else would I call them?" Hatsume demanded. "Now, get ready, because I'm about to show you my best one!"
"We already have the jetpack and hoverboots, what else is there?" Izuku asked, adjusting the heavy equipment.
"This!" Hatsume declared, holding up a belt-like device with circular discs interspaced along it. "The omni-directional repulsor belt! It uses gravidics to deflect incoming blows! Put it on, Midoriya, make sure everyone can see it clearly! With that on, no one will even be able to touch you!"
"Won't that keep us from being able to touch him?" Fumikage Tokoyami, the last of Izuku's teammates demanded.
"No, it only deflects blows at a sufficient velocity," Hatsume clarified. "Just activate it, and you'll be invincible!"
"That does sound useful," Izuku agreed, taking the belt and strapping it on. He touched the buckle as directed by Mei, and it let out a soft hum.
There was no further time to think, as Present Mic sounded the beginning of the cavalry battle. Just as Izuku feared, nearly every team on the arena floor immediately attempted to attack him, going for the 1,000,000 point headband on Izuku's head that was worth more than a thousand times as much as the next most valuable.
"Now, Uraraka!" Izuku called, activating the jetpack.
"You got it!" Uraraka touched Izuku, activating her quirk.
Upon her doing so, several things happened at once. First, the belt that Hatsume had made did indeed operate using gravitational forces, but by being combined with Uraraka's quirk which nullified gravity, the emitters that controlled the belts gravitational exertions went into overdrive. Secondly, Uraraka's quirk created a sort of bubble around the rapidly expanding gravidic field, which immediately became superdense, temporarily many times more than that of the mass of the Earth. This created a miniature black hole almost instantly, right at the center of the UA Sports stadium.
No sooner than the black hole had formed than it ripped a hole in the space time continuum, temporarily overlaying one universe with thousands of others, and displacing everything and everyone caught within this field from the very fabric of their reality.
Oh, and it also immediately turned Izuku and his team into pancakes, killing them instantly. Whoops?
That was why, the next thing Izuku knew, he was sitting in a chair in a pool of light, blinking in surprise.
"What… what just happened?" he gasped.
His response was an immediate slap upside the back of his head. "You screwed everything up, that's what!"
"Ow!" Izuku cried. He looked up to see a very irate young woman stalking around the back of his chair. She snapped her fingers, and the light beneath them formed into a chair, which the girl sank down into, leafing through a stack of papers.
"Just look at this!" she complained. "Do you have any idea how much trouble that little stunt of yours is going to cause? Not only did you manage to get yourself killed, which dooms your own timeline and world to a sad fate, but you also ripped a whole in space time that's going to cause an ENORMOUS mess for untold universes! Already, the Tomb World has spilled out and is starting to infect a dozen other worlds! Where am I going to find enough heroes to save them all! This is a lot of work that you've given me!"
The tirade washed over Izuku, leaving him feeling baffled and stunned as he rubbed the back of his head. "Um, sorry, er, who are you, again?"
"Don't you mortals have any respect?! I'm a goddess, obviously! Aqua, the goddess in charge of Japan! Which means I'm in charge of YOU!" Aqua the 'goddess' ranted, looking up from her papers with an angry glare.
"Oh." Izuku wracked his brains, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out who this goddess was. She had blue hair, was dressed in an elegant blue dress with a skirt so short it was making it really hard for Izuku to pay attention. "I'm, um, sorry, er, Holy One. But, um, what happened, exactly? I was just competing in the UA Sports Festival, I didn't mean to cause so many problems…"
"Well you did," Aqua sniffed, uncrossing and crossing her legs again. Izuku worked very, very hard to keep his eyes on her face, and went beet red in embarrassment. "I really ought to send you straight to hell, or have you reincarnated as a cockroach!"
"Wait, I died!?" Izuku demanded.
"Haven't you been paying attention? Of course you died! That would have killed anyone!" the goddess shouted, waving her clipboard about in exasperation. Suddenly, a sly look came over her, and she lowered her clipboard, leaning towards Izuku with a gleam of mischief in her eye. "Say, I bet you'd really like to avoid that fate, wouldn't you?"
"Um, yes?" Izuku stammered, leaning away from her and feeling very uncomfortable. Goddess she might be, but she looked like an attractive young woman who was invading his space in a way that made Izuku squirm in his seat.
"Well, I'll tell you what," Aqua declared, putting a hand beside her mouth and whispering in a conspiratorial fashion. "You do me a solid and save one of these worlds that your little accident screwed up, and I'll return you back to life, just like you were!"
"Um, OK? What, um, what do you need me to do?" Izuku asked, still trying to inch away from Aqua. For some reason, her breath reminded him of chips and soft drinks.
"Well, there's a world I'm in charge of that an old enemy of mine is invading. He's the Lord of the Tomb, and he's conquered his realm and is trying to invade some other totally innocent ones to bend to his will. Well, I'm not going to allow that! I'm going to do what I always do: Recruit a bunch of Japanese teenagers and send them off to beat him!"
Slowly, Izuku blinked, staring at the puffed up goddess. Was she insane? "Let me get this straight: you send a bunch of ordinary high school kids off to defeat villains that can conquer entire worlds?"
"No, some of them are middle schoolers," she huffed. "Look, are you going to agree to this, or am I sending you to the bad place?!"
"No, I'll go," Izuku assured her, making a fist. This Aqua might be crazy, but this was a second chance, and Izuku was going to be a hero, one way or another. "After all, I have a really strong quirk now. I'll train hard, then defeat this Lord of the Tomb and save the world with a smile on my face!"
"Right sure, well, I'm even going to grant you a magic item or a powerful magic ability, because I'm nice like that," the goddess said, and with a wave of her hand a catalogue appeared in the air, floating down into Izuku's hands.
"Oh wow," Izuku gasped, looking through the pages. There were support items like suits of armor or weapons, or even special quirks like flame manipulation or protective barriers. "You can do this? Give me another quirk, or a powerful weapon?"
"Huh? Quirk? No, it's magic. Surely you've read about this in video games and stuff right?" Aqua said, reclining in her chair and pulling out a bottle of alcohol from somewhere. She popped the cork, taking a long swing, then smacking her lips and sighing. "Ah, I needed that! Seriously, you have no idea how much trouble you've caused me. You're lucky I'm willing to cut you some slack here."
"Hmm," Izuku mused, looking over the catalog. "Well, what I really need is something to enhance one for all. A powerful healing item would be good, but I don't know if it will be able to keep up with me all the time."
"Yeah, sure, whatever," the goddess muttered. "You do go on. Man, can't you just choose already?"
"Hmm, well, can I pick anything I want?" Izuku asked. "What about things that aren't listed? This catalog is large, but I'd like to really think about this."
"Yep, if you want something custom just let me know, those are just the presets, but as a goddess naturally I'm talented enough to make something if I have to," Aqua said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "You can even ask for a servant or something to help you."
"Oh, in that case, what I really want is someone or something that has really powerful healing and support abilities, and knows a lot about this 'Lord of the Tomb,'" Izuku said eagerly. "It would be helpful if they knew a lot about this world as well, someone to guide me!"
"Ok, one healing and support companion, coming up!" Aqua declared. She stood up, setting aside her bottle and made a grand gesture. A fountain of light splashed up, making Izuku gasp in surprise. As the light faded though, nothing happened.
"Oh no," Aqua suddenly moaned. "Oh no no no no. Not AGAIN!"
A magical circle appeared around them, and began to glow brightly.
"You dumbass!" Aqua screamed, jumping forward to grab Izuku by his shirt collar. "You asked for a magical companion with super strong healing magic and support abilities, and could guide you?!"
"Um, yes?" Izuku said, trying to shy away from Aqua. She might be beautiful, but she was clearly also insane.
"That perfectly describes me! And I just granted your wish!" Aqua wailed. She dropped Izuku, running over to pound on the edges of the circle as they glowed brighter and brighter. "Let me out! Let me out! I'm not going back again! You can't do this to me! I thought we closed that loophole!"
"Er, Aqua, what-" Izuku began, but then the circle suddenly flashed so brightly it blinded Izuku, and he raised an arm to cover his eyes. When the light faded, he found himself standing in a grassy field, with a wailing goddess flopping on the ground.
"Um, what just happened?" Izuku said, edging away from Aqua. "Where's the magical companion you said I would get!"
"YOU IDIOT! GODDESS REQUIEM!" Aqua screamed. She jumped up, aiming a fist for Izuku's face. He easily dodged to the side as Aqua stumbled past him. When she charged again, Izuku stood his ground, catching her fist in his hand. She was strong enough that it made Izuku grunt, but even without One For All he'd been strength training for months and easily blocked the blow.
"What's… the big… deal," Izuku gasped.
"YOU DRAGGED ME INTO AN ADVENTURE AGAIN!" Aqua screamed, tears flowing down her cheeks. "You big stupid meany! I'm the most powerful healing and support object ever given to an adventure, and I know tons about this world and that stupid jerk invading it!"
"Oh," Izuku said, frowning. "Well, I guess you can just go back again if it bothers you so much. I can find a way to stop this villain on my own."
"I can't! Not until we defeat the Lord of the Tomb," Aqua sniffed. She knelt in the dirt, sobbing and moaning. "You're probably just another stupid NEET who never leaves his house and has all sorts of perverted fantasies! I bet you're not even smart like Kazuma was!"
Izuku stepped back, feeling both outraged and slightly ashamed at Aqua's display and accusations. "H-hey! I'm not a NEET! I was enrolled in UA Highschool! It's the most prestigious Hero School in Japan, maybe even the entire world!"
"UA? I've never even heard of that! And why are you wearing a dumb track suit? Kazuma always said HE wasn't a NEET, but that was a filthy lie!" Aqua snarled, standing and glaring at Izuku.
"Because I was participating in the school sports festival! Honest! And, and I would never do anything, um, like you said. I'm not Mineta…"
"Hmph. I can't believe you tricked me into this," Aqua grumbled. "This is going to be such a mess to sort out. Maybe I can get Kazuma and the others to send me some actually strong adventurers to help me."
"Hey! I didn't trick you! You should have been clearer, or not picked yourself as my bonus!" Izuku argued. "I don't know anything about this!"
Aqua inhaled, ready to lay into Izuku again, when there was a sudden flash of light on a nearby hilltop. Izuku turned, getting a good look at his surroundings. They were in the middle of some idyllic looking grasslands, with a river running by not far off, and a forest in the distance. There were low rolling hills around them, and atop one only a few dozen meters away, a group of strange beings had appeared.
Each of them were giant monstrosities, humanoid skeletal figures that all stood over two meters tall. They were nearly all armed and armored with dark metal, bearing mis-matched weapons and shields. One of the monsters stood out to Izuku, as unlike the others it bore a staff and wore dark robes of fine make, and was a little shorter than its companions.
"New heroes," the staff wielding skeleton hissed. "The Great Lord demands you either bow to him, or die. Make your choice. It matters not to me."
"What the hell?!" Aqua snapped, rounding on the undead. "This is a low level area! There's not supposed to be a bunch of strong monsters here. What do you think you're doing?!"
"Bow to the Great Lord, or face his wrath!" the sorcerous undead screamed.
Despite being caught off guard, Izuku was already thinking. "Aqua, these undead… they're monsters threatening the people of this world, right?"
"Yes, they'll slaughter anyone who gets in their way. The Lord of the Tomb can summon endless hordes of them, that's why he must be stopped!" Aqua declared.
"Fools," the leader laughed, a dry, rasping sound like a death rattle. "Kill them all!"
The armored undead began to stride forward, but Izuku raised one hand. He'd come up with a plan to help him win the Sports Festival, a way to use One For All without totally destroying his arm. Now he had to hope it would work. He concentrated, placing his pinky beneath his thumb, then letting One for All flow into. He snapped his finger out with all his might, causing a great gust of wind to explode from his fingers and slam into the undead. One raised its shield and buffered the blow with it, but another was flung to the ground in a clatter of bones, while two slammed into one another.
"What the heck!?" Aqua gasped. "Since when did you learn wind magic?"
But Izuku was already moving. The one with the staff, he was the boss. Izuku dodged around the still stunned foes, racing towards the leader.
"What is this?! Die, human!" A stream of black smoke raced out of the staff, and the grass that it touched immediately withered and died. Izuku lept to the side, roaring in anger. He got close, then put all his power into his left arm. "SMASH!"
The mage dodged away, but just the force of Izuku's blow passing by it was enough to shatter its bones. The red lights in the eye sockets of the creature were snuffed out as its boney body was pulverized. The robe shredded, and the broken staff was flung away.
Izuku stood, panting, cradling his now damaged arm with the other. His own body was badly bruised and broken, and he winced in pain, turning to face the other undead. They were standing now, moaning and hissing in anticipation. Apparently, killing the leader hadn't stopped them. Well, Izuku still had three fingers, and one arm, and he would-
"TURN UNDEAD!" Aqua stood above the undead, her lips curled in disgust. She raised a sparkling staff above her head, and a massive blue circle with strange geometric patterns formed around the dead knights, and there was a flash of blue light as the bones of the monsters were reduced to dust and ash. Their empty suits of armor and weapons clattered to the ground, as their souls were released with a sigh of resignation.
"I… wow," Izuku said, goggling at the destroyed foes. "I guess you really are a goddess…"
"Hmph. Of course I am!" Aqua said, suddenly giggling. She turned seriously, coming over to gently take Izuku's shattered arm in her hands. "Wow, what did you do to yourself? You punched that lich so hard you broke your own arm…"
"Um, yeah, that's um, my quirk. Don't you know about it?" Izuku asked, feeling a bit light headed from the pain.
Aqua shook her head. "You keep saying 'quirk.' What's that even mean? Oh well, let me help you. Heal!"
Immediately, the pain in Izuku's arm and broken finger vanished. He let out a gasp of surprise, raising his hand and flexing it. "It's… it's totally fixed! Wow! Your quirk is incredible, Aqua!"
"Um, is that a compliment? I mean, quirk isn't as insulting as some of the stuff Kazuma called me, but it's still kinda weird," Aqua said, scratching the side her head and eyeing Izuku sideways.
"You… you don't know what a quirk is?" Izuku asked, baffled. "But, you're the goddess in charge of Japan. Surely you know about quirks? I mean, 80% of the population does have them…"
"Of course I'm the goddess in charge of Japan! Why, thanks to me, dozens of worlds have been saved by brave Japanese heros!" Aqua bragged.
"Right, you mean Japanese high school students. I thought you were picking the ones with the strongest quirks," Izuku said, rubbing his healed arm and marveling at how it felt. This was even better than what Recovery Girl did. In fact, it almost felt like Aqua had repaired some of the damage that had been lingering from when he'd over used his quirk in the past.
"Ok, seriously, the hell is a quirk?" Aqua snapped, planting her hands on her hips. "And how did you get so strong and know wind magic?"
"Um, I don't know any magic, and my quirk doesn't really control the wind. I can just put so much force into my fingers that I can send out shockwaves of air," Izuku explained. "That is how I broke my arm though. I um, I don't have the best control over it yet, and most of the time I seriously injure myself when I use it, unfortunately. B-but I'm getting better! One day, I'll be able to use my quirk without hurting myself at all, and I'll be the world's greatest Hero, like All Might!"
Aqua looked confused, scratching at the side of her head with one hand in befuddlement. For a goddess, she seemed to do that a lot. "Wait, you've got like super strength or something? That's weird, your stats were good and all on your info sheet, but not that high. If I remember right, it was your intelligence that was highest. There was that weird special ability you had, One For All, but I didn't really look at it. And who the heck is All Might?"
"Wait, you don't know who All Might is? He's the greatest Hero in Japan, no, the world! He's fought dozens of super strong villains like Toxic Chainsaw! And, um, well, One For All, that's my quirk. Seriously, how can you not know about quirks? They've been around since the 21st century in the before times…"
"Huh?" Aqua blinked. "But, in Japan, the year should be 2016. No more than 2017. I know I'm bad at keeping track of mortal time, but not much can have gone by! And heroes, villains? I really don't understand…"
Izuku ended up giving an increasingly befuddled Aqua a brief history of the world and background on quirks.
"Wait, so everyone in your Japan is born with these weird special abilities?! That must be how you ripped a hole in reality and caused so many problems! I thought it was just a weird equipment malfunction," Aqua said as they walked along a path towards a distant town.
"Honestly I don't know what happened. Everything was going just fine, and then suddenly I was in that place with you," Izuku admitted. "But I don't get it, I thought you were the Goddess of Japan. You mean, you're from the past or something?"
"Maybe, I don't know, this is all really weird," Aqua sniffed. She glared at Izuku suddenly. "But you're going to have to defeat the Lord of the Tomb! I'm warning you, he's really strong! I guess I can help, but don't expect me to carry all the weight! At least you're not a useless NEET like the last guy who dragged me out on an adventure!"
"Um, OK?" Izuku agreed. "I mean, I'd want to help save this world, even if it's a strange one. But if you can heal me, I won't have to worry about overusing One For All so much."
"Huh. Yeah, OK. This might be easier than the last time, when I defeated the Devil King!" Aqua laughed. "Come on, Izuku! Let's go to the Adventurer's guild and get started!"
"Adventurers guild? That's like, the Hero Public Safety Commission, right?" Izuku asked. Aqua gave him a blank, vacant look. Izuku almost thought he could see the back of her skull through her eyes. "Um, you know, the people in charge of organizing heroes and sending them off to fight villains and monsters?"
"Oh, yes, that. Of course! And if you beat up a bunch of strong monsters, they give you money so that you can get all sorts of stuff, like alcohol, or food, or all kinds of things! Just so you know, the last time I was an Adventurer, I was an arch priest, and I was super rich and famous. The entire land talked about the famous goddess, Aqua, and her companions, who defeated the Devil King and saved the world!" she bragged.
As they got nearer to the village, Izuku took a good look around at it. The buildings were made of simple wood, with thatched roofs and painted in bright colors. As Izuku and Aqua approached, two nervous looking men barred their path. They were both dressed in rough spun clothing that had been crudely dyed in reds and greens, but had on rough leather jerkins and battered metal helms. One was carrying an old looking rusted spear, and the other had a battered old shield and a long knife.
"S-stop right there, m-monsters!" the man with the spear stammered, pointing it at Izuku.
"Monsters!" Aqua erupted. "We are not monsters! I will have you know that I am Aqua, Goddess of Water and Arch Priest of the Axis church! This is Izuku Midoriya, my chosen champion! We have come to rid your world of the Lord of the Tomb and his foul minions!"
"Are you sure?" the man with the shield asked, looking uncertain under his ill fitting helmet. "I mean, you both got funny colored hair and weird clothes. You look like monsters to me…"
"Aqua, the water goddess?" his companion asked. "Isn't that some minor no-account deity from the old religion?"
"WHAT!?" Aqua shrieked. "I am a Senior Goddess, I will have you know! I have already defeated the Devil King in a far off land, and I have come here to rid you of the evils of your world! I am not some 'no-account deity!' Don't you worship me in this land? What about Eris? Please don't tell me you all worship some stupid junior goddess!"
"Eris?" the two men looked at one another, frowning.
"Eris, goddess of fortune? Pads her chest?" Aqua prompted, making Izuku want to crawl into a hole and die. This was supposed to be a divine being? She sounded like a petulant child.
"Goddess of fortune? You mean like Chris, the noble thief?" the men asked.
Aqua made a disgusted face. "Ugh, yes, her, do you worship HER?"
"Um, no, not really, she's more of a demi-god anyway. We're mostly followers of Psyche Dio here, goddess of preparation and forethought," the men admitted.
"Huh? Well, that sounds like some lame, stupid goddess I've never even heard of," Aqua stated, moving forward to wag her finger under the mens' noses.
"Um, Aqua? Er, maybe you should calm down a little bit," Izuku said, gently pulling the ranting deity away from the cowed peasants. He quickly bowed politely to the men. "Hello, I am Izuku Midoriya. We're, um, well, I guess we're here to stop this Lord of the Tomb? We fought some really strange monsters back a ways, they looked like undead skeletons. Have you seen anything like that here? And is there a local Heroes Board or, er, Adventurers Guild we can talk to?"
"Are you a god too?" one of the men asked, scratching his head.
"They're not gods you dummy, they're just foreign, or something," his friend told him. "Look, this here's just a village. We don't have any Guilds based here. Heck, you're the first mercenaries we've seen in a good long while. Are you two just talk? I don't see any gear, just them funny clothes, so I suppose you can do magic or something? We heard a ruckus and saw some flashes of light, so Pierre and I came out to investigate while my boy runs to get Count Blois and his Freemage."
"Um, I guess I sort of have some magic?" Izuku said. "But it's pretty destructive. It makes me really strong, and fast, but to use it hurts my body. But Aqua knows healing magic, maybe if you have someone who's hurt or sick she could help them?"
The men exchanged looks. "Well, Aimee's lame, been so since birth. If you heal her, maybe we can trust you. But no funny business now."
One of the men left to run into one of the nearby farm houses, while the other uneasily guarded Iuzku and Aqua. To his shock and bewilderment, Aqua was sulking, her cheeks buffed out as she muttered under her breath and kicked at the ground. A few minutes later, the man returned, carrying a young girl with light brown hair and hazel eyes in his arms. She was dressed in the same rough-spun clothes, but one of her legs was clearly malformed. She was clinging to her father tightly, looking terrified. Behind them, a woman and several other children poked their heads out, concern, fear, and excitement mixed on their faces.
Upon seeing the crippled child, Aqua's demeanor changed entirely, going from petulant to tender and sweet. "Oh my gosh, are you OK, dear? Why has no one healed your leg before? This doesn't look that bad, any low level priest could have fixed this easily. Does this Psyche Dio's clergy have no compassion?!"
"Well, healing magic like that's expensive, and clerics strong enough to perform it don't come out to little towns like this often. They're needed elsewhere," the man admitted. "But, if you can help my daughter, we'll pay, honest we will."
"Hmph! I am a goddess! While I would gladly accept an offering, to heal this sick is an act of compassion, offered freely, even to those who do not worship me." Aqua reached out a hand, touching the child's twisted foot and smiling at her. "Be at peace, little one. In the name of Aqua, Goddess of Water, be healed."
A soft glow emanated from Aqua's hands, and the little girl gasped. When the glow faded, her foot was no longer malformed, but normal looking. She started to wriggle in her father's arms, and he set her down. Right away, the girl began to run and jump, laughing and cheering in delight. "Look papa, look! I can walk now!"
From the house behind her, her mother and siblings poured out, laughing and crying to see their sisters hurts mended.
"Huh," Izuku muttered, watching as Aqua basked in the praise. "Maybe she's not a useless goddess after all."
Oh, how sweet the innocence of youth.
Authors Note
I guess now there's a spacebattles thread too. "New" chapters daily until we catch up. Bonus points to whoever can figure out who Psyche Dio is.
Just an FYI, new chapters will always go up on first, link in my sig. The next day, I'll post the chapters here as well though.
Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2020
Chapter 2: A Match Made in Edgeville[img: story_ ]
Beta'd and Edited by The Evil Within
Chapter 2: A Match Made in Edgeville
"Ah you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see the light until I was already a man bird, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!"
- Fumikage Tokoyami
The dark victor stood over the corpses of his foes, shadows swirling about him. "And so, they fall, one by one, my foes hapless before my dark power."
Sato Kazuma rubbed the bridge of his nose and let out a heavy side. "Careful, Birdbrain, or you're going to cut yourself on all that edge."
Seriously? He was doing this? AGAIN? After defeating the Devil King, he'd wanted to have a nice, long retirement. Preferably one where he shacked up with Megumin, maybe actually shed his virgin NEET status for good. But that had lasted about 10 seconds. No sooner was Aqua gone back to the divine realm than ANOTHER Devil King showed up, this one calling himself the "Lord of the Tomb" or some such bullshit.
So of course, Kazuma had been tasked with forming a party of Adventurers to go off and defeat the Lord of the Tomb. Since he'd been asked by his dear little sister Iris, he'd naturally obliged. Heck, he'd even had divine help in the form of a certain thief. He'd also gotten Yunyun to tag along as well, seeing as how she was actually pretty handy in a fight.
And then things had all gone to hell almost immediately. Turned out, this Lord of the Tomb was a super powerful undead lich, with hordes of demons and monsters at his beck and call. It would have been really useful right then to have a goddess that was an Infinity +1 Sword against the undead, but instead they'd had a complete TKP. He'd wound up in the divine realm, and then his actual retirement had begun.
See, Aqua and Eris had sworn they'd get Kazuma and friends (and Yunyun) resurrected or reincarnated, but then something had gone wrong and apparently the Lord of the Tomb had conquered the world or some such BS, so the Goddesses were busy processing all the dead people.
Which had meant that Kazuma, Megumin, and Darkness (oh, and Yunyun) had been allowed to sort of just hang out in Aqua's divine paradise. Aqua had unlimited high speed internet and all the latest games, and Kazuma had wasted no time in converting his party to NEEThood. Admittedly, the girls had gotten a bit bored lately, but why complain? All the creature comforts they could want, and they'd never get old.
Sometimes Aqua roped them into a few favors for her, but Kazuma didn't mind that much. It was sort of amusing to get to play literal god for a while and pass judgement on poor lost souls. He'd sent loads of NEET gamer types to other realms to be heroes, even giving them some cheat items and good advice. Really, he should just be promoted to deity and be given an award.
"Until this jackass showed up," Kazumu muttered. He glared at his companion, a bird headed high school boy from some sort of world Kazuma had never heard of before. "Are you done posing yet?"
"I am not posing," Tokoyami intoned, resting one leg atop the breastplate of a fallen undead. "I am brooding." He covered his face with his hand, letting out a dramatic sigh. "My dark powers were too much, once more they have erupted and slain those around me."
Kazuma pursed his lips and made a face, looking down at the shattered skeletons beneath Tokoyami's feet. Talons? No, he had on shoes, must be feet. "Yeah. Real impressive. You totally wasted a bunch of low level undead. Real awesome."
"Yeah!" the bird-boy's shadow squawked. "We're totally wicked!"
"Dark Shadow, I believe he was insulting us. He does not comprehend my burden," the bird boy said. Apparently, he was human, but from Yet Another World.
That was the weird part. Aqua had burst in on Kazuma and Megumin, right as they'd been in the middle of an epic grinding session. Yunyun had been trying (and failing) to play with them, while Darkness had taken a break for another of her workout sessions.
"Holy crap guys, there's a big disaster! I need all hands on deck! You've got to help me, I've got thousands, maybe millions of souls to judge all at once!" Aqua panted.
"Huh? Yeah, just let us finish this dungeon run," Kazuma said, not looking up from his computer.
"Guys, guys, wait for me, I'm stuck!" Yunyun wailed, helplessly clicking her mouse as her character was caught on some random geometry again.
"Ha! These pathetic fools shall face the might of my ultimate technique!" Megumin chortled as her hands furiously dashed across the keyboard, unloading spells into the dungeon trash. Credit where credit was due, she'd turned out to be quite the gaming prodigy. She was no match for Kazuma of course, mostly because she always came up with insane builds that revolved around unleashing a single nuke that nearly always pulled aggro or left her at no HP and MP, but that one nuke was a sight to behold.
"No guys, now!" Aqua snapped. Yunyun squeaked and took off her headset, quickly scampering over, but Kazuma and Megumin were in the zone, and just ignored her. "Ugh, Darkness, make them stop!"
Darkness had gotten up from doing her crunches, flushed and looking pent up and tense as usual. Apparently, no sex was a hard and fast rule in the divine realm, as Kazuma and Megumin had discovered when his "holy sword" had utterly failed to rise to the occasion. It sucked, but at least he had 2D waifus and video games now. Of course, it also meant that since there was no pain or suffering, Darkness couldn't ah, 'stimulate' herself, either. So she just did a lot of exercises and occasionally played games with Kazuma and Megumin. She was actually a really good tank, once she'd figured out how aggro worked. She did complain it wasn't satisfying enough though. Friggin' pervert.
"Wait, Darkness, no, don't-" Kazuma pleaded, but she simply unplugged the router, dropping their connection. "Dammit, there goes the run…"
"We have a duty to fulfill," Darkness vowed, making a fist. "I failed one realm, I shall not fail another!"
"You're just horny and bored again," Kazuma complained, but he set down his headphones and sighed. They'd had that dungeon on farm anyway, even with Yunyun's pathetic attempts. "Yeah, fine, I'll help judge lost souls or whatever. You coming, Megumin?"
"Yes! They shall all tremble before my crimson gaze!" Megumin declared, wrapping herself in her cloak and putting on her mage hat. She normally lazed around in her pajamas like Kazuma did, but she did love to play up the drama of a good soul judging session.
"Can I help? Maybe I can assist you, Lady Aqua!" Yunyun offered.
Aqua glanced at Yunyun and frowned. "Didn't I reincarnate you already?"
"Um, you said you would, but then you got drunk and-"
"Oh yeah, whatever. Go help Eris out or something," Aqua said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "I'm busy."
"Um, maybe I could help my best friend Megumin then?" Yunyun hesitantly offered.
"Ha! Megumin, Dark Goddess of Explosions, does not need the help of her inferior rivals! Begon, Demon, lest I banish you from this realm!" Megumin had twirled her staff and struck a pose as Yunyun ran off crying.
"Do you really have to be so hard on her?" Kazuma sighed.
"Hmph. She insists on being my rival, even now. Besides, I see the kinds of waifus you look up," Megumin had sniffed. "It is best if busty temptation does not come your way!"
"Oh come on! If neither of us can get laid, at least let a guy relieve some tension!" Kazuma had protested. But he'd changed into his old Adventuring gear instead of his tracksuit, and gone off to judge a few souls.
The first one had thrown him for a loop. For one thing, he'd always just judged regular humans before. When he'd seen the name Fumikage Tokoyami, he'd thought that was what he was going to do again. Oh, how wrong he had been.
"Can we just get going? I'm hungry, and it's going to get dark soon and I'd just as much assume we stay at an inn instead of in this rocky canyon," Kazuma complained, gesturing around them. He and Tokoyami were stuck out in the middle of the wilderness near one of the supposed "starter towns" in whatever world currently needed Adventurers to help defeat the Lord of the Tomb. He kept showing up, which was weird but Kazuma didn't care all that much. Usually. Now he sorta wished he'd paid more attention.
Finally Tokoyami nodded. "Yes, it would be wise for you to get under cover before nightfall. In the darkness, my powers might consume us all."
Great. Kazuma had traded in one melodramatic middle schooler for another. And this one wasn't even a hot chick to make up for his garbage personality. Oh well, at least he seemed to be competent in a fight. Those undead knights had ambushed them only minutes after they'd arrived here in this new world, and Tokoyami and his weird "quirk" or whatever had annihilated them in short order.
"Megumin or Darkness could have beat up low level mooks like that," Kazuma grumbled under his breath as they walked out of the canyon and picked their way down the rocky mountain slope. The path wasn't too hard, and there were lots of grassy handholds and a few trees growing on the mountainside.
"What was that? Are you complaining that I chose you as my bonus again?" Tokoyami asked.
Kazuma glared at him. "No, I miss my friends, you chickenheaded moron! Why'd you have to go and demand that I be your cheat item! You could have had anything! Like a magic sword, or maybe a black cloak that always blew in a dramatic wind so you could have your little juvenile delusions whenever you wanted!"
"I simply said that if you were so well acquainted with the destruction of evil overlords, why don't you accompany me and show me how it's done, you arrogant buffoon," Tokoyami shot back.
"Yeah! Shut up, you useless idiot!" Dark Shadow, the apparently sentient power of this boy, squawked.
Dark Shadow. This guy was even worse at naming stuff than Megumin. A half smile appeared on Kazuma's lips as he caressed the hilt of Chunchunmaru on his back. Sure, at first he'd hated that stupid name, and it was still rather embarrassing, but now… well, it was something to remind him of Megumin. He was going to miss his little jailbait, and, well, if he were honest with himself, Darkness and Aqua too. They just better not let Yunyun use his character, she'd waste all his good items.
Well now Kazuma was stuck with Captain Edgebird here, who claimed to be from some wacky version of Japan where people had all these weird "quirks" or whatever. Kazuma just figured that meant they were all a bunch of over dramatic dumbasses like Tokoyami. Megumin really would have loved it, but Kazuma was already sick of the nonsense.
The village down below them seemed to be built of houses made out of mortared stones with tile roofing, with a couple of scattered larger buildings. Supposedly it was a "starter town" with low level monsters around that you could use to level up. Those undead had actually been fairly high level, despite Kazuma's disparaging remarks. Dreadknights and a skeletal mage. Pretty powerful foes, and he'd been scared near shitless until Tokoyami had dispatched them with ease. Edgelord he might be, but apparently he could back up the posturing. Sorry, 'brooding.'
As they approached, a few villagers looked up and noticed them. Several pointed and screamed, then ran off.
"I do not understand, why do they fear us?" Tokoyami asked Kazuma, frowning.
"Probably because you look like a reject from the latest monster manual," Kazuma sighed. "Look, I'll handle this. Let me do the talking."
"Hmph. Very well. Prove your worth, Kazuma," Tokoyami agreed. "Since it apparently does not lie in combat."
"Hey, listen, I play a vital role! I'm the plan man, and the skill monkey!" Kazuma argued. "Plus, I didn't ask to be dragged into this world!"
"Well, you were so insistent that I save it, and rather boastful of your own abilities," Tokoyami pointed out. "As I recall, you claimed to essentially have defeated this 'Devil King' single handedly."
"Yeah, but you're a wimp! You suck!" Dark Shadow squawked.
"I do not suck! I did defeat the Devil King! I just, you know, had some friends who helped me," Kazuma muttered as they walked past the first houses towards the village.
Tokoyami smirked at Kazuma. Which was impressive, considering he had a beak. "I suppose that I can provide the combat prowess in this party. Such is my burden, and duty, as one cursed with dark power…"
"Oh, you're cursed with something, alright," Kazuma agreed. He looked around at the empty fields and shut up houses, frowning. "Guess everyone's scared of us or something."
"Halt, monster! If you take one step closer, I will be forced to stop you!" a female voice suddenly shouted from behind a building.
Kazuma blinked. No. It couldn't be.
Tokoyami, however, was not impressed, and stepped forward, making a slashing motion with one hand. "I am no monster! True, I am a being of shadow and darkness, but though my soul lays in shadow, I am a champion of the light! If you seek to challenge me, I shall be given no choice but to unleash my inner demon upon you!"
"A demon? Is it a strong one?" a familiar husky voice asked, growing slightly manic as it continued. "The sort that does all sorts of cruel unspeakable things to two poor, defenseless ladies?!"
A new voice, this one also female, but unknown to Kazuma, called. "Um, Darkness, I think I know that guy, he's actually-"
"I would never intentionally befoul a lady!" Tokoyami sighed, turning and covering one eye with his hand as Dark Shadow rose around him. "But beware! If you should awaken my demon, it shall ravage you and your companion! Stay back, fair maidens, or else-"
"Ok, seriously, Tokoyami? You recognize me, right?" A girl a couple of years younger than Kazuma, dressed in the same red and blue tracksuit as edgebird stepped out from behind a building, putting a sword back into its sheath at her side. She was pretty cute, in a bubbly sort of way, and definitely had a decent rack, easily an 8/10."There's really no need to fight!"
"Oh no, I insist!" Darkness, the worlds' most perverted knight declared, practically salivating as she hurried around the corner, her sword out in both hands. "Let me face this terrible demon, Uraraka! Don't worry, I'll protect you! Just like before, I'll distract them then-"
"Down girl!" Kazuma ordered, pushing past Tokoyami. "And you chill out, Edgebird! There will be no fighting, and no attempts to out ERP each other! Keep that stuff to private chat!"
"K-k-kazuma?!" Darkness gasped, taking a step back and going even brighter red than she had before. "What are you doing here?!"
"I should ask the same of you, Sir Pervert!" Kazuma snapped, stalking over to glare up at Darkness. It really wasn't fair that she was so much taller than him, or so much more well muscled. "I thought you were supposed to be helping Aqua judge those souls and recruit some more people to fight the Lord of the Tomb! What are you doing here?"
Darkness lowered her sword, stammering and looking embarrassed. "Well, um, you see, this young lady was in need of a protector, and er-"
"She was bored and wanted to come with me, and she's like, super buff and tough and said she'd teach me everything she knew about fighting monsters, so I chose her as my bonus!" Uraraka said, smiling at Kazuma. "Hello! Are you Tokoyami's bonus? Kazuma, right? I'm Ochako Uraraka, pleased to meet you!"
"Er, Sato Kazuma. A pleasure, miss," Kazuma said, reaching out to take Uraraka's hand and kiss it. She was a cutie, after all.
But of course, Darkness had to slap his hand away. "Off of her, Kadzuma! You're not going to work your wiles on this innocent young lady! Not when you have promised yourself to Megumin." Then Darkness looked coy. "Of course, now that we're out of the divine realm, if you were to feel lonely at night, and you had enough MP for your bind skill…"
"No! I told you, I am not into that!" Kazuma snapped, jerking away. He sighed, looking at Uraraka. "Let me guess, you got sweet talked into taking this walking disaster zone with you. What, exactly, happened?"
"Um, well, I mean, I guess I died?" Uraraka said, glancing at Tokoyami, who looked upset that his little drama display had been interrupted. "Did that happen to you too?"
"Yes, I met this… individual, who claimed to be some sort of god, and said he would allow me to take on the mighty task of defeating the Lord of the Tomb. Naturally, my dark powers called to me, and I undertook this perilous mission to-"
"Neat! I was a bit worried it would just be me and Darkness, but it looks like we have a whole Adventuring party!" Uraraka said excitedly. "We already beat up a bunch of undead monsters and saved this village! They made us their local heroes, and said to come and defeat a new monster they saw up in the mountains, but I'm guessing that was just you, Tokoyami. Darkness is like, super tough! And with my Anti-Gravity quirk, it was a piece of cake to destroy those guys!" Uraraka flexed her arm and grinned. "We'll beat this Tomb guy in no time!"
"Wait, are you… like, normal?" Kazuma asked cautiously. "And… competent?"
"Um, yes? I think? I mean, I did get into UA, and well, my quirk isn't the best, but I've been working really hard and I think I really could become a great hero!" Uraraka burbled. "Plus, Darkness is going to teach me how to fight! Check it out, I already got this sword from the Baroness!"
Uraraka drew her blade, holding it out for Kazuma and Tokoyami to see in both hands. It looked like an ordinary arming sword to Kazuma, but Uraraka seemed extraordinarily pleased with herself to have it. "Darkness is going to teach me how to use it!"
That made Kazuma snort, and he looked at Darkness, who looked away, kicking at some rocks with her feet. "Wait, you're going to learn how to use a sword from HER? For one thing, she uses two handed swords, not a one hander like that. For another, she couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with her sword!"
"I could hit a barn," Darkness muttered. "If it did not move too much."
"Um, is that why you had such a hard time against those skeleton guys?" Uraraka asked, looking worried. "I mean, they couldn't scratch you, with that cool armor and all, but, well, I mean, I did have to destroy them all myself…"
"Yeah, this crusader is actually pretty useless," Kazuma sighed, shaking his head. "Well, come on. Let's go find the local Adventurers guild. I'll need another card, mine got destroyed when we died the last time."
"Oh, there isn't one," Darkness informed Kazuma. "We already checked."
"Wait, what? What sort of starting town is this?!" Kazuma demanded. "Every starting town in an RPG has to have an Adventurers guild!"
It was Uraraka's turn to look at Kazuma uneasily, while Tokoyami rolled his eyes. "Um, Kazuma, you er, realize this isn't a game, right?"
"I know that!" Kazuma snapped. "But the last world I was in totally worked on the same rules! There were Adventurers, a guild, skill points, magic, the works!"
"That sounds highly unlikely," Tokoyami said, folding his arms over his chest. "And utterly absurd. Skill points? What, did you simply learn new quirks whenever you felt like it? Or somehow acquire combat skills at the push of a button?"
"Well, yeah," Kazuma admitted. "Hey Darkness, back me up on this one!"
"Um, he's right, I mean, I put all my points into defense and HP, and skills that would draw the ire of foes, so, um, my offensive abilities are rather lacking," Darkness admitted. "Truely, I did not realize that Kazuma was originally from Japan until after we had died. I thought he was making that up, and the bit about Aqua being a goddess. I never even realized I was actually close friends with my own Goddess, Eris…"
"I knew you weren't a god," Tokoyami laughed. "What, are you an ordinary highschool student who got transported to another world like in those silly stories for children?"
"I was, but then I became a god, just like Darkness became a goddess!" Kazuma snapped. Then he almost immediately relented from the incredulous expressions of the two hapless highschoolers he had as tagalongs. "Well, OK, demigods. We had a few divine responsibilities like judging souls and granting divine gifts to prospective recruits to fight the Lord of the Tomb and his minions."
Darkness looked down, shuffling her feet. "Um, mostly we sat in Aqua's chambers and played video games. I was quite fond of the Em Em Ohs that Kazuma introduced to me. I rather enjoyed taunting hordes of monsters and having them wail on my character…"
"Well, I mean, that's… you're still sort of a goddess, right?" Uraraka asked, looking very uncertain now.
"Not really," Darkness admitted. "More like a goddesses helper."
"Demi-god! We're demi-gods, OK? Listen, we've both defeated the Devil King," and Kazuma was not going to admit the Devil King just been some random asshole from Japan who happened to get the right cheat items to fool everyone into thinking he was the Devil King, "and we performed divine judgement! We're like, super important."
"I think you're lying. You have yet to prove even the slightest bit useful," Tokoyami declared. "I think I wasted my bonus."
"Oh yeah!? I'll show you! I've got loads of skills," Kazuma said, stretching his fingers out towards Tokoyami. "You want to see some?"
"Oh, please, enlighten me," Tokoyami said, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, bring it, chump!" Dark Shadow agreed.
"You asked for it!" Kazuma snarled, stretching his hand out. "St-"
Suddenly, Uraraka jumped in the way arms spread wide. "Guys, there's no need to-"
"-eal!" Kazuma finished, unable to stop himself. He looked at his hand, then slowly opened it to reveal a pair of practical white panties. Score!
The next thing Kazuma knew, he was down in the dirt, and his jaw hurt, badly. Darkness was crouching over him, looking concerned, but also trying to hide an amused smile. "Kazuma, are you well?"
"Yeah," he groaned. "That was, ow, a pretty good hit, Darkness. Geeze. I didn't even mean to do that. Well, this time."
"Oh, that wasn't me. That was Uraraka. When you took her undergarment, well, I must say, I think that girl has potential as an adventurer. Only level 1, and such a powerful blow! Granted, you are rather weak, but still, she took out a medium level Adventurer in just one hit!"
"Yeah," Kazuma sighed, sitting up. He looked around, spotting Tokoyami down on the ground as well. "Why'd she knock out him too?"
"She-hehehe-she didn't-hahaha! She didn't touch me!" Tokoyami gasped. "You're worse than Mineta! That was hilarious, one blow and you were down like a bag of rice!"
"You've got a glass jaw, Kazutrash!" Dark Shadow chuckled.
With Darkness' help, Kazuma got back to his feet, rubbing his sore jaw. "Yeah, yeah. Damn uptight bitch."
"I would not say such things," Tokoyami said, wiping his eyes and getting back to his feet. "She is likely to do even worse to you if she hears that."
"It wasn't even my fault!" Kazuma protested. But he resolved to be rather respectful towards Uraraka from now on. She'd just about broken his jaw. She went from an 8/10 to a 6/10. Well, 7/10. She was pretty cute.
"Come, let us meet with Baroness Von Galen. I would learn more about this world we find ourselves in," Darkness said. "Perhaps you should let me do the talking for once, Kazuma."
"Sure thing, Lalatina," Kazuma muttered.
Darkness sputtered, and Tokoyami laughed again. "Lalatina? I thought your name was Darkness?"
"I… I don't like my name," Darkness muttered. "Just call me Darkness. I rejected my family name when I became an adventurer."
"Oh, don't let her grace, Mayor Lalatina Ford Dustiness fool you," Kazuma chuckled, warming to his theme. "Sure, at first she was a bad girl, but she just kept shouldering more and more responsibility! By the end of it, she was practically wallowing in her responsibilities!"
"O-only because I had to!" Darkness protested as they walked through the village. People were peaking out of window shutters now, gazing at Kazuma and his companions with wide eyes. "Truely, I want nothing more than to be Darkness, a valiant crusader, who walks a dark path to protect those she loves!"
"Yes, I understand," Tokoyami said, nodding. "You were rejected by society, your own primal urges driving you to the shadows. There, you found strength, and knew that forever more, you would be marked!"
Darkness stopped, her eyes going wide. "Y-yes! Exactly! Something within me could not be content in polite society! I was an outcast, an exile! Only when my true powers were revealed and I could no longer hide did the nobility accept me again!'
"Yes! You know what it is to walk the dark path, so that you may defend those who live in the light!" Tokoyami agreed, Dark Shadow spreading out around him so that it seemed that the shadows were emanating from Tokoyami.
"Oh, wow, all we need is Megumin here and we'd have our little junior high edge fest complete," Kazuma sighed. "I thought you were going to be polite long enough to meet this Baroness Von something or other."
"Oh, yes, um, right," Darkness agreed. She took a deep breath. "I shall restrain myself, and put on the mask of Lalatina…"
"Indeed, I shall subdue my inner demons, that I will not strike fear into the hearts of the unenlightened," Tokoyami agreed, and Dark Shadow shrank down to the size of a normal shadow.
"Oh boy," Kazuma sighed. "Here we go again. I'm stuck with a perverted crusader, a tsundere, and edgebird. Well, I beat a Devil King once. How bad can it be?"
Kazuma deliberately did not mention that he had, in fact, watched all his friends die once already. This time would be different. Somehow.
Author's Note
1v1 me Edgeville wildy DDP++ no food no pots
Gonna get you bastards back for taking my damn spades and essence
Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2020
Chapter 3: Well This Blew Up[img: . ]
Chapter 3: Well this blew up…
When you were partying, I studied Explosion. When you were crossing the final frontier, I blew up a castle. While you wasted your days mastering skills in pursuit of vanity, I put even MORE points in Explosion. And now that the world is on fire and the Devil King is at the gate you have the audacity to come to me for help?
-Megumeme, Arch Troll of the xXxCrimson69Demon420ClanxXx
The Panier Inn was a cozy place, with floors made of wood polished by generations of feet walking over it, with old battered tables and low benches. It was decorated with the heads of several local monsters, from a large looking lizard thing with a horn on its snout to the head of a bird that had to have been enormous, considering it's head was as big as Izuku's torso with a wicked beak. There was a roaring hearth and a well stocked bar with a variety of wines and fine ales, and the food that was offered, while simple, was tasty and rather filling.
Currently, Izuku was sitting with a glass of watered wine, nibbling at some goat cheese and picking at a quiche with wild mushrooms and nuts mixed in. He was watching as dozens of villagers had eagerly lined up as Aqua healed them of various infirmities, from head colds to even missing limbs, all the while proclaiming the virtues of the Axis Faith.
"You see, in the Axis Church, our tenants are very simple," Aqua lectured to her adoring new converts. "You should enjoy life, and love one another, for life is hard and you could die tomorrow, so why worry about it?"
Even the local priest had immediately declared himself willing to follow the Axis Faith upon seeing the miracles that Aqua was performing. Once he'd converted, she'd somehow empowered him to begin performing feats of magic himself, from causing water to spurt forth from his hands using "Nature's Beauty" to being able to do minor healing spells.
It would have been a lot more impressive, except for the frankly insane sermon Aqua insisted on delivering. "No matter who or what you love, I, Aqua, Goddess of Water, accept you. Be you lolicon, yaoi fan, or have a brother complex, the Axis church believes that all love is good."
Good grief.
"Yes, Lady Aqua," the enchanted villagers agreed, and a weeping mother came forward, carrying a wooden box.
"My baby, he died of the pox a day ago, can you possibly-"
"Resurrection!" Aqua proclaimed, and opened the box to reveal a cooing healthy infant. The mother wept, bowing low before Aqua as her husband set down an offering of wine at Aqua's feet. "Bringing the dead back to life is a simple feat for a Goddess like me. Just no one who died of old age, they'll just croak again. And if it's been more than a day or so no luck there either, soul's moved on. But everything else is easy!"
"Incredible," Count Blois breathed as he sat down on the bench next to Izuku. He was a man in his middle years, going bald and grey, but had the look of a hardened campaigner. Apparently, it was the job of the local noble to keep the village safe, and while Count Blois employed a Free Mage and two knights, he and his two sons fought with swords in hand to protect their people. He was well liked and respected by the villagers from what Izuku could tell. "Truely, she must be the Goddess Aqua! I had not thought the Old Religion so potent, and yet…"
"Um, yeah, she's something else," Izuku agreed. The healing was impressive, and the resurrection was unreal, but honestly it wasn't all that different from a powerful quirk so Izuku didn't see what the fuss was about. Couldn't they tell Aqua was a spoiled child?
Blois turned to Izuku, smiling in contentment. Despite the man's scarred and battered face and the chunk missing out of his nose, he managed to look genial and pleasant. He tugged at his long, waxed mustache, twirling it in his fingers. "So, tell me young man, are you also some sort of messenger from the divine realm?"
"Me? Um, no, I was, er, a student at a school for heroes, in a land called Japan," Izuku explained.
"Ah, yes, the divine realm!" Blois agreed, nodding in understanding. "That is where the Champion of the New Religion, Saint Yeh, is from as well. You must be a powerful warrior or mage."
"Um, kinda. I'm sorta new at this," Izuku admitted. "I don't even have a Hero License yet. Aqua sorta… um, I mean, the Goddess asked me to come help save this world, but we didn't have much time to prepare."
"My boy, here, there is but one requirement to be a hero," Blois said seriously. He suddenly stood, beckoning to Izuku. "Come with me, I know just the thing."
Blois spoke to one of the villagers, a man with broad shoulders and well muscled arms. He nodded, bowing to Izuku. "Come, Lord Midoriya, it will be my honor and privilege to aid you."
"I-I-I'm not a lord!" Izuku protested. "I'm just a highschool student!"
"The High School? That is a fitting name for an institute of the Divine Realm. I am Martel, the village blacksmith."
Martel took Izuku across the village to his workshop, where a forge lay cold and idle. Most of the work Martel seemed to do were simple things, like nails, horseshoes, and farm tools. He ignored all of those, going to a corner and pulling out a locked chest. Taking a key from his belt, the blacksmith carefully opened it, and withdrew a long object wrapped in oiled rags. Removing the rags, Martel revealed a simple western style hand-and-a-half sword with a leather grip.
"It is not much, but I humbly offer it to you, Lord Midoriya," Martel said, bowing and proffering the sword to Izuku.
Izuku looked to Blois, who nodded. "The only requirement to become a hero is to take up the sword, and vow to keep the people safe from harm. It is not a storied blade or one made of enchanted materials, but I hope this weapon can aid you and Lady Aqua in some small fashion."
Izuku took up the sword, finding it to be surprisingly light, no more than a few kilos in weight. "Th-thank you, um, Mr. Martel, Lord Blois. I, um, I'll try to use it to save everyone, with a smile on my face!" Izuku managed a grin, which seemed to please the two older men. "But, er I don't know how to use a sword."
"It is very simple," Martel laughed. "You stick them before they stick you!"
"You do not know the blade?" Blois asked, surprised. "My father taught me from when I was a child. Hmm. My son, Anton, he could help you. He is my youngest, and about your age I should guess. Er, that is, he is about 15 summers."
"Oh, yes, I'm 15," Izuku agreed hastily. "I can-"
In the distance, Izuku heard a faint, echoing boom, like thunder. As Izuku watched, a towering mushroom cloud lifted into the sky.
"It seems you will have need of that blade at once, Midoriya. Come! To arms!" Blois bellowed, racing out into the street. "Marie! Anton! Sir Jacques!"
"Aqua!" Izuku shouted. "More monsters!"
Aqua strutted out of the Panier, bearing that odd staff of hers and practically preening at the cheers and applause from the villagers.
"Go, Lady Aqua, we have faith in you!"
"Our Goddess shall save us!"
Along with Aqua came Sir Jacques, a young knight armed with a long spear and a sword at his side, dressed in mail and plate. The Count's son Anton was there as well, bearing an unstrung longbow and a sword of his own. Marie the Freemage was clad in leather armor and had a dagger and some sort of glass orb. She was older, about the same age as Blois, and had been in his employ for some years. The Count's older son and knight were off on a patrol of the countryside, and wouldn't be back for some days.
Izuku felt grossly underprepared, until Martel ran out with a mail hauberk for him.
"This looks to be about your size, my lord. I apologize I have nothing better, but time is of the essence," Maretl said, helping Izuku put on the mail shirt. It was a bit loose and came down to about midthigh, but it was better than nothing Izuku supposed.
"Wow, do you have the Medium Armor skill?" Aqua asked Izuku as he hurried up to her. "And the Sword Skill! You must have gotten a lot of levels from killing that lich!"
"Um, I don't think so?" Izuku said, feeling confused. Two villagers hurried up to them with horses, which Izuku looked at uncertainly.
"Ha! Finally, travel style fit for a goddess!" Aqua declared, then tried to scramble into the saddle. She clearly had no idea what she was doing, and the girl who had brought her horse had to give Aqua a boost to get her into the seat.
"Um, I don't know how to ride. I'll just run, I'm pretty fast," Izuku told the other girl. "Thanks, though."
"Come!" Count Blois called, already mounted and having found time to don light armor himself. "Let us ride to battle!"
"Alright! Giddyup!" Aqua ordered, flicking her reigns. The horse wickered, then looked back at her. "Hi ho Silver! Away!"
The horse snorted, and bent to crop at some grass.
"Um, Aqua, maybe you should walk too?" Izuku suggested. "Have you ever ridden a horse before?"
"Well no, but I thought it would just know what to do," she admitted. She hopped down, looking irritated. "Fine! I don't need some stupid animal to go into battle! First, Blessing!"
A warm feeling washed over Izuku as Aqua put her hand on him. She ran over and did the same for the other members of the party, who bowed and offered thanks.
"Right, let's do this"! Aqua declared, shadow boxing and grinning. "Time to show the power of a goddess!"
Izuku broke into a run, heading off towards the distant towering column of smoke and dust. He found he was able to tap into One For All, just a little, and was easily able to keep up with the horses. Aqua, on the other hand, was gasping for breath in less than a minute, and a bewildered Anton had to turn back to help her into the saddle behind him.
"Goddess… don't… do… cardio," Aqua gasped. "We're… too… divine…"
Then she vomited onto the ground, apparently having partaken a bit too much in the offerings of wine given to her. To Izuku's amazement, it came out as a sweet smelling rainbow.
"Um, as you say, milady," Anton said nervously. He glanced at Izuku, who had barely broken a sweat as he ran along the galloping horses. "I take it you, er, do this 'cardio,' Lord Midoriya?"
"I'm not a Lord," Izuku told him. "But yes, I do a 5k run every morning before school, and endurance training three times a week."
"Ah, yes, I train daily as well," Anton agreed. "It is the duty of a lord."
They hadn't gone far until Izuku spotted a strange figure racing towards them over the hills. At first he thought it was some horribly deformed creature, until he realized it was actually two people, one carrying the other on her back.
"Hatsume!" Izuku cried excitedly, recognizing his school mate by her goggles and pink hair. "And it looks like she's rescued someone! Aqua, I think they might be hurt!"
"Uggghhh," Aqua groaned. "Make it stop, make the horse stop moving so weird, I'm gonna-BLLAAAGGGHHHH!"
Izuku shied away from the splatter as Aqua vomited again. "Er, I'll take care of it," Izuku promised, then hurried ahead, out pacing the horses. He was surprised at his sudden control of One For All, and wondered if it had something to do with what Aqua had done to him. "Hatsume! It's me, Midoriya!"
"Midoriya?! What are you doing here?" Hatsume demanded, coming to a halt a few meters away. "Never mind. Did you see that explosion?! That was pretty impressive! I'm going to learn how to make babies that can do the same thing, with the help of my new friend!"
The rumpled girl on Mei's back looked up from beneath her floppy black hat, which had two buttons sewed onto it that looked sort of like red eyes. Her own eyes were crimson, and she grinned at Izuku. "That was just a taste of my incredible Explosion magic! For I am the Dark Goddess of Destruction, she who will Master Explosion, and create a-"
"Ugghhh, Megumin, stop yelling so loud," Aqua whined, slipping off the horse and crumpling to the ground. "Stupid horses."
"A-Aqua?!" Megumin gasped, jerking back and causing Hatsume to fall over on top of her.
"My lady!" Anton cried, dropping down to help Aqua sit up. "Are you well?"
"I'll be better after I knock some sense into my idiot friend," Aqua growled, standing and stalking over to disentangle Megumin from Hatsume. She grabbed the girl by the ear, shaking her. "What are you doing here!? You're supposed to be judging souls back in the divine realm! I should have known you'd be responsible for that explosion! What, did a rock look at you funny?!"
"Ow, ow, ow, Aqua, stop!" Megumin pleaded, pointing behind her. "No, it wasn't a rock this time, there were some really strong undead! Look, there's more of them coming!"
Izuku spun, and sure enough, two undead warriors like those that had attacked him and Aqua earlier were moving towards them at an awkward run. They were both missing bits, but were still mobile despite it.
"I killed hundreds of them with my Explosion, but these two got away," Megumin claimed.
"What? There were at most twelve, I counted!" Hatsume said, dusting herself off and standing. She was wearing her signature goggles and the same tracksuit that Izuku had on, but her smile was all her own manic self confidence.
"Oh of course there were," Aqua grumbled.
"Be ready! These are beasts most foul!" Blois called.
Anton quickly strung his bow and fired an arrow, but it clattered harmlessly off of one of the skeleton's ribs. Marie raised her orb and chanted, and a first sized ball of fire shot out, slapping into the other skeleton. It staggered, but stood and kept on coming.
"What kind of lame magic is that?" Aqua demanded. "This is how you do it. Turn Undead!"
Blinding blue light enveloped the skeletons, and with a groan they were turned to dust. Aqua flipped her long hair over her shoulder, grinning widely. "See? That's how a goddess handles things!"
"Incredible," Marie gasped, her hand clutching her chest. "I have rarely seen such powerful feats of magic, and never from a lone practitioner!"
"Pfff, that was something a simple priest could have done," Aqua said dismissively. She winked at Marie. "If I were really serious, then you'd see something! But low level minions like that are hardly worth the effort."
Izuku went over to Hatsume, who was grinning maniacally as she looked around. "Um, so I guess you came here to save the world too?"
"What? No, I came here to help create the most amazing babies the world has ever seen! Did you know I managed to make an explosion so big it almost destroyed the world and ripped a hole in space time!?" Mei asked excitedly.
"Yes, it was the most incredible thing I have ever seen," Megumin sighed, clutching at the staff on the ground next to her. "One day, I shall master Explosion magic to the degree that Mei has, and unleash it!"
Izuku felt more than slightly concerned at that, but bent down to offer the strange new girl a hand up. "Um, need some help?"
"Sorry to bother you, but could you carry me?" Megumin said, blushing slightly and averting her gaze. "I sort of used up all my MP on my Explosion earlier and can't walk now."
"Um, OK?" Izuku said, wondering just what the heck MP was. He gently scooped Megumin up in his arms. She wasn't that heavy really; she looked like she was just an average high schooler herself, except for her weird scarlet eye patch and robes, which really just made it look like she was wearing a hero costume. Especially since when she removed the patch, Izuku saw both of her eyes were just fine.
"Well, I guess at least I'll have some help defeating the Lord of the Tomb now," Aqua sighed. She smiled at Megumin, her earlier irritation forgotten. "It's good to see you, Megumin! I'm surprised you were so desperate to start adventuring again, but I guess I should have known you'd be interested in that big bang."
"Well, I will miss getting to play games all day with Kazuma and Darkness and beating Yunyun at everything, but the world has need of my mastery of magic once more!" Megumin proclaimed as Izuku carried her back towards the village.
"Um, are these girls divine heroes as well?" Antone asked, edging his horse close and peering down at Megumin and Hatsume.
"No, I am not in the Hero Course, that is Izuku's job! My job is to make super cute babies, and also help Megumin make another huge explosion!" Hatsume explained.
"Babies? Where is your husband and children?" Antone asked, clearly puzzled.
"She means her inventions, like her goggles," Izuku told Antone. "She, um, she went to school with me. We were er, well, we were participating in a cavalry battle, and then we ended up with Aqua and got sent here…"
"Ah, I see, you must be great warriors then. But I thought you said you did not ride?" Antone asked.
"He was riding me! I am an excellent mount!" Hatsume declared, to Izuku's utter mortification.
"Oh, I see, er, you meant, ah, well, I shall leave you alone then," Antone babbled, going bright red and quickly steering his horse away to where his father and the retainers were following at a respectful distance.
"Wait, she didn't mean-!" Izuku called, feeling hopelessly embarrassed himself. He looked down at Megumin, who was scowling up at him.
"Don't think this is some stupid H game like Kazuma plays where you can get yourself a harem, mister," Megumin lectured. "I might not look it, but I am a Dark Goddess of Explosions! Right, Aqua?"
"I mean, you do help me judge souls, so, sort of?" Aqua mused. "But to be a real goddess, you need worshipers."
"Then I shall start the Cult of Explosions!" Megumin declared. "Hatsume, will you be my high priestess!?"
"I don't know, can high priestess make super cute babies?" Hatsume asked.
"Only if they are for making incredible explosions, or are support items for mages or other heroes for bringing great justice down upon the heads of the wicked! Such is the way of the Crimson Demon Cult!"
Hastume considered this for about half a second. "Hmm, I can still make super cute babies as long as they can make things blow up? Heck, I do that already on accident! Sign me up!"
"Aqua!" Izuku squawked. "You… you're a real goddess! Stop this!"
"Huh? Why?" Aqua asked, frowning. "Oh, you think she'll steal followers from me? Don't worry, they'll still be in my downline."
"Your… downline?" Izuku asked, a sense of dread sending icy fingers down his spine
"Oh yeah, see, I'm a senior goddess. I just recruited Megumin, who was a mortal until I got a hold of her. Any followers she gets automatically give 10% of their offerings and praise to me, plus I get a bonus for having a lesser goddess under me. That is how I got to be a Senior Goddess, after all. I recruited Eris too, way back in the day. Hey! Maybe if I get enough new followers here and a few new gods and goddesses under me, I can get promoted to Elder Goddess! That means I get a free vacation every millenia!"
"E-elder Goddess?" Izuku asked, frowning. "Um, Aqua, this is starting to sound a lot like a pyramid scheme…"
"Pfff, this is nothing like a pyramid scheme. It's just, you know, triangularly shaped," Aqua said, drawing one in the air before her. "Look, it's all very complicated, and not something I expect a mere mortal to comprehend."
"I don't know, my mom sold Avon for a while," Izuku said, shuddering. "It was awful."
"Ha! Those chumps are small time! Stick with me, Izuku! Maybe you can recruit some followers and end up a god someday too!" Aqua declared, putting her arm around Izuku's shoulders and gesturing broadly with her free hand.
"Um, ok," Izuku said, trying to wiggle away. If all gods were like this, Izuku was going to become a dedicated atheist.
"Izuku cannot become a god!" Mei huffed. "He has to become a follower of Megumin!"
"Hey, too late, he's my champion or whatever, so he's automatically a part of the Axis Faith! Go find your own followers," Aqua snapped.
When they got back to the village, it was growing dark. Megumin had fallen asleep in Izuku's arms, much to his discomfort. He placed her in a bed at the Panier, and Izuku went down to eat dinner. Aqua was busy showing off to the villagers, though her sermons were growing increasingly erratic in proportion to how much alcohol she was ingesting.
"Yeh see, it's um, like, super important to purge demons and undead. They're like… hic… so ugly. And they smell? Ever smelled a demon? Dish-gusting!"
Despite the increasing innanity of Aqua's pronouncements, the local priest was feverishly writing down everything she said, and Count Blois and the villagers were hanging on her every word.
After dinner, Izuku decided to look for Hastume, as at least she was somewhat normal. Hatsume wasn't hard to find, thankfully, as she'd made a beeline for Martel's shop after talking to Megumin for a bit. Even now as the stars started to come out, Izuku could see the light of his forge burning brightly. He headed over, hoping to have someone at least a little familiar with home to talk to.
Of course, when he did enter the shop, Izuku froze in the doorway, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. Hatsume was indeed hard at work, but she'd taken off her tracksuit, and was only wearing her goggles, a heavy blacksmith apron, gloves, and her underwear. She was bent over the forge, muttering to herself as she withdrew some glowing metal from it. Izuku was just about to slink away to avoid embarrassment, when she turned and saw him.
"Ah! You! Midoriya, right? Just the person I was hoping to see! You're super muscly, right? Well get in here and help me! I need someone to work the bellows and that other guy ran off somewhere!"
"I, er, um-" Izuku stammered, sweat beading on his brow.
"Oh, too hot for you? Don't worry, you can just put your clothes over there with mine. Here, put on this apron and these gloves! Quickly, it's almost ready!" Hatsume ordered, sticking the metal back in the forge and hurrying over to bodily drag Izuku into the smithy.
The next thing Izuku knew, she'd stripped him out of his track suit, dressed him in a leather apron, and had him working the bellows as she barked out commands.
"Harder, I need more! Damn these primitive materials! How am I supposed to forge proper steel like this?!"
It took all of Izuku's strength and endurance, but he managed to get the forge hot enough to suit Hatsume's needs. She withdrew the metal and placed it on the anvil, banging away a few times to shape it, then sticking it back inside to reheat it, then repeating the process.
"What… what are you making?" Izuku gasped, leaning on the bellows in exhaustion after Hatsume appeared to have finally finished her project. It was still dark out, but the eastern horizon was beginning to lighten.
"We are making super cute babies, obviously! This is merely the beginning of my career! Have you noticed the utter lack of technology here? The very first thing we need to do is build a way to generate electricity! We have made the first part of a steam engine, Midoriya!"
Izuku looked at the various objects that Hatsume had made, but frankly it just looked like random metal parts to him. "Oh. Well, that's, um, good? I think… I think we should sleep now."
"What!? We have barely begun! I've only made some valves and the piston so far! We'll need to manufacture a boiler and cylinder, a water storage tank, and the generator itself with coils of copper wire!" Hatsume said, grinning widely. She pushed up her goggles, making her look a bit like a yellow eyed raccoon, her face was so covered in soot. "Don't you see? We have the chance to invent ALL the super cute babies in this entire world!"
"I thought… I thought you were going to make dynamite or something. You know, for explosions?" Izuku asked, feeling utterly drained.
"Bah! There is no need! Megumin taught me how! Come, I will show you!" Hatsume dragged Izuku outside to the edge of the village. They went a ways outside of town, with Izuku stumbling part of the way, his mind rather numb. When they got to the top of a hill that overlooked an empty field, Hatsume planted her feet, grinning and looking around in satisfaction. "Yes! This is a great place for an explosion!"
"Um, Hatsume? Should we really be standing here? We're not, er, decent," Izuku protested, rubbing his bare arms and flushing. He'd just finally processed that they were both basically in their underwear, having left the aprons and gloves behind.
"Oh, this is going to be more than decent! Now, how did that go again? Bah, I'll just make something up!" Hatsume extended her hands above her head, and began to cackle. "2Cs plus 2H2O to 2CsOH plus H2!"
As Hatsume spoke, glowing rainbow sparks began to fill the air around them. Izuku managed to forget his aches and the situation's awkwardness, smiling at the beautiful display. How was Hatsume doing this? The sparks began to race out over the field, and then collide as glowing circles formed in the air. He frowned as she finished. Wasn't that a cesium oxidation reaction with water? He had just enough time to realize what was happening as the sparks suddenly slammed together in violent burst of raw power.
The massive shockwave slammed into Izuku and Hatsume, and he managed to grab her and shield her from most of the blast. A tower pillar of fire at least 20 meters high lit up the sky as bright as the noon day sun for a brief instant, and Izuku was nearly deafened. Rocks and hunks of earth peppered Izuku's back as he clung to Hatsume. By the time he blinked away the stars in his vision and the ringing in his ears had stopped, all that was left of the valley below them was a smoking crater, and Hatsume was giggling to herself in his arms.
"Oooo, that felt… mmmm. Yes, that was even better than making babies! Pick me up Midoriya, I want to see! How big is the crater? Take me down there, I want to measure it! I need to establish a baseline comparison between my explosions and Megumin's! What do you think, how many tons of TNT was that worth?"
"I'm putting you to bed," Izuku sighed, and slung Hatsume over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. "And me, too."
"What? No! I don't have… I don't have time… to… sleep… ooo, I feel… wow. Mmm. Midoriya? Did you know you have lots of muscles? They are very nice."
"Um, thanks?" Izuku squeaked as he hurried back towards the village. Hopefully, no one saw this. Who was he kidding? Hopefully, everyone was terrified, and hiding.
But of course, they were not. Megumin and Aqua were leading the Count and half the village towards them. Hatsume was humming to herself on Izuku's shoulder as he came to a slow hault, wishing the earth would open up and swallow him. How was he going to explain this? Here he was, in his boxers and undershirt, carrying a practically naked girl over his shoulder, and they'd just blown up an entire field. How, he had no idea.
"Midoriya, what happened? Are there more undead? I'll destroy them, one hit!" Aqua swore as she hurried up. "What did they do to Hatsume? What made that explosion?"
"Midoriya! Midoriya put me down!" Hatsume suddenly demanded.
Reluctantly, Izuku lowered Hatsume to the ground. She was unable to stand though, collapsing against his chest and giggling to herself.
"That was not monsters," Megumin declared, her red eyes glowing in the dim light. "That was the magic of Explosion. Trust me, as the Mistress of Explosions, I can tell when someone is practicing."
"Did you like it?" Hatsume asked, grinning broadly. "It was my first one! Well, my first magic one. I make regular explosions all the time! Did you know it felt so good? I've never done anything that felt like that before!"
"We, er, um-" Izuku stammered, but then Count Blois ran up, sword drawn.
"Lord Midoriya! Lady Hatsume! What is going on? And why are you er, so…"
"We were making babies!" Hatsume said excitedly. "And then Izuku got tired, but I had him help me finish by pumping really hard! Then, when we were done making babies, we made a fantastic Explosion together!"
"Oh!" Blois said, going scarlet. He turned before Izuku could stammer out a better explanation. What he overheard Blois telling the villagers was enough to make Izuku feel like he was going to catch on fire from sheer embarrassment.
"… from the Divine realm, you see… not like mortals… release of divine energy… how they procreate, I believe…"
"Well, next time, just warn us OK. You woke me up with all your racket! And my head still hurts! Ugh, I'm going to need a lot of prayers to get over this hangover," Aqua complained.
Of course, Hatsume picked that time to finally pass out. Izuku ended up having to carry her back to the inn, his skin crawling with all the while from the looks the villagers were giving him. He managed to stagger up the stairs, and set Hatsume into a bed. He sat down on the bed himself, just long enough to catch his breath. He closed his eyes, just for a moment.
Aqua came in a few minutes later, tucking Izuku in next to Hatzume, both of them snoring loudly. "Sleep well," Aqua giggled. "Remember, the Axis Church supports all kinds of love! Even if it's two NEETs." Then she left, gently shutting the door behind her.
Authors Note
Aqua: Hey, long time no see! It's been a while since I've heard from you, and wanted to reach out to you with a great opportunity! I've been working from the Divine Realm now and getting loads of money and XP as my own goddess! If you'd like, I can walk you through the simple steps to unlocking your own divinity! It just takes a little while and a small upfront payment!
Chapter 4: ¡La cucaracha![img: . ]
Chapter 4: ¡La cucaracha!
Everybody gangsta until da roaches start flyin'.
-Hawaiian Proverb
"Remind me again why we're doing this? They didn't even offer to pay us!" Kazuma complained, holding his torch up above his head to try to see into the darkness of the mine around them. All he saw were a few broken wooden crates and some rusted equipment scattered around. Nothing valuable enough to loot, that was for sure.
"Because we're heroes, and it's our job to save people," Uraraka snapped, glaring at Kazuma. Then she blushed and looked away. "And, um also, she did pay me. But that's not the point! I thought you were supposed to be some sort of demi-god bigshot hero! "
"I AM a big-time Adventurer, and a demi-god, thank you very much," Kazuma replied, rolling his eyes. "Which is why it's a bit beneith me to go hunting a bunch of low level monsters in some stupid starter town dungeon!"
"Oh, Kazuma, Kazuma!" Darkness gasped, suddenly stopping and caressing herself.
"That's my name," Kazuma agreed, thinking, here we go again.
"Do you think this world has male orcs?" Darkness asked eagerly, starting to breath hard. "Vicious, vile, reprehensible male orcs, the kind that would kidnap hapless female Adventurers and submit them to all sorts of depraved acts?!"
Something scampered in the darkness towards Kazuma, but he sensed it coming; it was just a bug. He lifted his boot and squashed it quickly as Uraraka let out an "eep" at seeing the creepy crawly.
"I don't know, Darkness, but I absolutely forbid you from doing something perverted. Remember, YOU volunteered for this. You have to keep Uraraka, and me, safe. Besides, this is just supposed to be a bunch of bugs."
Uraraka sent another evil look Kazuma's way. He gave it, at best, a 2 out of 5 on the death glare scale. Aqua could do much better on her worst day. "I can keep myself safe, thank you very much!"
"Sure thing, just remember that if the going gets tough, I'm activating Lurk and getting the hell out of here," Kazuma warned. "The only one I give a shit about is Darkness, and she ENJOYS it when I abandon her."
"Oh, truely, you are a vile, wicked man!" Darkness panted, her cheeks flushed as she grinned widely. "I can't want for some monsters to attack us, so that you may pretend to sneak away, only to return with a brilliant plan and save us, just when the monster has finished beating me and covering me in slime and other vile substances!"
Uraraka gave Tokoyami a flat look. "I think both our bonuses are bogus."
"Oh, I don't know. The comedic value alone is worth the price of admission," Tokoyami chuckled.
Dark Shadow nodded. "Yeah, they're funny!'
"But be warned, Kazutrash," Tokoyami said. "In this environment, should all the lights go out, Dark Shadow shall run wild. In that case, I implore you: take the others and flee, least the shadows consume them."
Kazuma eyed Uraraka, expecting her to lecture Tokoyami that she didn't need help, only for her to look concerned. "Will you be, you know, OK in here? Dark Shadow's already getting bigger…"
That was true, despite the fact that they were all carrying bright torches, the further into the depths of the mine they went, the larger and more fierce looking Dark Shadow became.
"Fear not, for now, I can control him. Should it become too much for me, I shall warn you," Tokoyami promised. "There, Dark Shadow!'
Another large bug on the ceiling, which Dark Shadow eagerly snapped up. Could that thing eat? Kazuma shrugged. He really didn't care that much.
"I'm sensing more bugs that way," Kazuma said, pointing down a passage to their right. "Ugh. Extermination. Wish we just had a can of RAID or something."
Baroness Von Galen had been content to let Kazuma laze around for a few days, mooching off of her at her manor. She'd even been training Darkness and Uraraka in using the sword, apparently being some sort of expert. Apparently, in this world, nobles were not just a bunch of useless high society types, but actually earned their titles by keeping towns and villages safe. Van Galen claimed she was fairly pitiful by noble standards, and it was true that the one time they had fought Kazuma had easily beaten her with his skills, though her sword work was pretty decent.
After a few days of training though, reports had come in that one of the old mines had been infested with monster bugs. Sensing an opportunity to ditch her freeloader, Von Galen had informed Kazuma that she wasn't just going to take his word he was a hero, he was going to have to prove it to her.
Darkness had of course eagerly agreed to investigate a dark cave with terrifying bug monsters, and Tokoyami and Uraraka had seemed to believe it was their duty or something to help people. Well, that, and Tokoyami had given some sort of monologue about "testing his limits" and "restraining his demon." Seriously, all his dumb shadow did most of the time was crack wise. It wasn't that scary.
"I shall take the lead," Darkness declared. "As a crusader, it is my duty to shield my allies!"
"Right! I'll be right behind you," Uraraka promised, her sword in one hand, torch in the other. Apparently she had some weird power where she could make things float, but if she wanted to be the cannon fodder Kazuma wasn't going to argue with her.
It wasn't long before a mass of cockroaches sprang out of the shadows at Darkness, who shrieked in mixed disgust and delight. "Oh, what filthy creatures! Kazuma, Kazmua! They're crawling all over me!"
True to form, Darkness was swinging her sword about, causing it to bounce off of the rock of the mine shaft. To Kazuma's surprise, she actually managed to hit a couple of the rat-sized bugs, but most of them avoided her overly enthusiastic blows and crawled up on Darkness to bite at her.
"Darkness! Hang on!" Uraraka cried, using her shorter sword much more effectively in the close quarters, and using her torch to burn a few of them. She managed to keep herself free of the bugs, but was too busy to help the overwhelmed crusader.
"Darkness! No! But if I unleash my demon now, it could overwhelm me, and even harm my own companion!" Tokoyami cried.
"Yeah, she'd probably enjoy that," Kazuma sighed. He took out a handful of flour from his pouch that he'd grabbed from the manor, and pushed past Tokoyami. "Uraraka, duck! Gust!"
Kazuma flung the flour into the air, and the wind caused it to scatter and blow. Then he raised his hand and shouted, "Kindle!"
The widely scattered flour particles exploded in a bright flash around Darkness, frying some of the cockroaches and stunning the rest. Then it was easy enough for Kazuma to use Chunchunmaru to stab the remaining ones with Uraraka's assistance as Darkness panted contentedly on the ground. He looked back at Tokoyami, frowning. "Aren't' you going to help?"
Tokoyami looked dazed, and Dark Shadow was cowering behind him. "Too bright!" the shadow bird moaned.
"Yeah, whatever," Kazuma said, rolling his eyes. "Get up already Darkness, enough goofing off!"
"Kazuma!" Uraraka snapped, glaring at him. "You could have hurt her! That fire could have burned her to a crisp!"
"Oh, it did!" Darkness giggled as she got to her feet, hugging herself and flushing. "Ohhh, I needed that! Even those undead are not as rough as Kazuma is! Truely, he is a wicked, wicked man…"
"Yeah, see you hurt…" Uraraka trailed off, her eyes going wide as she stared at Darkness, who was moaning softly.
Kazuma leaned in to Uraraka, a lecherous grin on his face. "Oh, did I forget to tell you? Yeah, she totally gets off on that. Congratulations: you picked the world's perviest crusader as your bonus."
Uraraka's eye darted back and forth between Kazuma and Darkness, her forehead wrinkling in consternation. "Are you both… what the heck kind of weird heroes are you?"
"Only the kind that defeats the Devil King, saves the world, oh, and are so celebrated they get made into demi-gods in the divine realm," Kazuma said, buffing his fingernails on his leather armor then admiring them.
"And the kind that love to face vicious monsters!" Darkness declared, raising her sword and motioning deeper into the mine. "Come, Kazuma! Those cockroaches were decent, but I need a big, tough monster to truly satisfy me! Something that will manhandle me, not just crawl all over me!"
'Yeah, sure, fine," Kazuma agreed. "Lead the way, Sir Pervert." He stepped forward, patting Darkness affectionately on the shoulder. "Good to be back in action with you, buddy. If I had to get sent on another stupid quest, I'm glad it was you."
Darkness returned the smile. "Yes, I am glad you are with this useless knight once more, Kazuma. Even though I was eager to adventure once more, I was going to miss you and the others. I do hope Megumin is not too jealous of me…"
"Eh, that jailbait can wait her turn," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Kazuma, she is hardly jailbait now," Darkness laughed as they moved off again. "She is several hundred years old now, just like the rest of us."
"What?!" Kazuma gasped. "That can't be right! How long were we in the divine realm? I mean, I did have time to beat every H-Game I've ever wanted, and we got to max level with top tier gear in about a dozen MMOs, and… oh."
"Yes, time passes differently in the divine realm," Darkness agreed. "But I kept track. After all, unlike the rest of you, my body is my greatest assent, and I needed to train every day to maintain it, even in the divine realm. Do you not recall the thousands of souls we judged?"
"I guess," Kazuma admitted.
"Do we seriously have a NEET and a pervert in our party?" Uraraka groaned. "I thought this was going to be fun and exciting, like those old games I used to play with my dad…"
"Ha! I knew it!" Kazuma laughed, spinning to point an accusing finger at Uraraka. "You're an otaku! I bet you're a closet NEET, just like me!"
"Hardly," Tokoyami said dryly, Dark Shadow still hovering behind him as if to hide from Kazuma. "We were both enrolled at UA Academy, Japan's premier school for heroes."
"Don't lie! You're both wearing track suits! I bet you were in a guild or something, and died going to get an advanced copy of an MMO!" Kazuma taunted. "He might be strong, but you don't have any cool powers! You're just a normal girl!"
Uraraka gave him a flat look, then suddenly smiled sweetly at him. "Oh, you're so right Kazuma, clearly, Tokoyami and I are just like you!"
Kazuma leered at Uraraka "Ha! See, I-"
Then she slapped him, full across the face. He jerked back, and got ready to pound her right back. After all, he believed in gender equality, which meant that he had no problem stomping a girl. He'd let her get away with the sucker punch earlier because he had, after all, accidentally stolen her panties, so he'd started it. This time though, there would be retribution!
"Ok, that's it missy, face the wrath of-woah!" Kazuma stepped forward, only for the motion to send him flying into the ceiling. He let out a squeal when he cracked his head on the rock, then flailed his arms in panic as he bounced off and headed straight for the floor.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Darkness! HEEEEEEELLLLPPPP!" Kazuma wailed as he smacked repeatedly into the walls.
"Kazuma! Don't worry, I'll-"
"Release!"
Gravity suddenly reasserted its hold on Kazuma, and he fell flat on his ass, yelping in pain as a rock bit into his tail bone. He sniffed, rubbing away tears as Darkness hovered over him, fussing at his bruises. For once, Kazuma sort of missed having Aqua around. Actually, he was really starting to think she might have been a valuable member of his Adventuring party after all. Maybe if she had been there, they wouldn't have failed.
"Still think my quirk is useless?" Uraraka demanded, glaring down at Kazuma as Tokoyami sniggered in the background. "Or do you need another demonstration?"
"You know, I'm a man who believes in gender equality," Kazuma growled as Darkness helped him up. "Which means, I don't have any issue throwing down on someone, just because they're a cute girl! And if they don't show their elders some respect, it might just get a little bit drafty in here for them!"
"I can fight without my panties," Uraraka informed Kazuma, raising her sword menacingly. "Can you? Because I'd carve yours right off your hide."
"Meep." Kazuma quickly lowered his hand, putting it behind his back.
Uraraka nodded, turning around. "Right. Now, we're finding the source of these bugs, and saving the village! No more stupid games!"
"Huh," Kazuma mused as he and Darkness trailed behind Uraraka and Tokoyami.
"What is it? Do you sense more foes?" Darkness asked, looking around eagerly.
"Yeah, there's more skittering around us, but I was more thinking that it's kinda weird, seeing things from the other side," Kazuma observed.
"What do you mean?" Darkness asked, confused.
"Well, I mean, I always thought of myself as the only sane and competent one in our party. Don't get me wrong, you girls were useful, and I learned to appreciate you and all, but still. Now, I guess I'm the weird, useless one in those two's eyes."
"Kazuma, you were always weird and useless," Darkness laughed. "Don't you remember what everyone at the Adventurers' guild called you? Kadzuma, Kazutrash, Scumzuma, Pervzuma, and-"
"Ok, ok, I get it! Sheesh! But you can't deny I was always the brains behind our operation!" Kazuma argued.
"It is true, we did come to rely on you for your devious and twisted stratagems, even if you were completely worthless in combat. Why, Aqua, Megumin and I would often talk about how we always needed to pick up your slack when it came to facing difficult foes since you were unable to fight your own battles," Darkness tittered.
"Now you're just making fun of me," Kazuma grumbled. But then he smiled. "It does feel good, being together like this again, doesn't it? I just wish…"
"That Megumin and Aqua were here," Darkness sighed. "We were never the same as an Adventuring party once Aqua left."
"Yeah. She might of been dumb as a brick, but she was a good friend in the end. I just hope she doesn't trash talk us too much for getting suckered into being Adventurers again," Kazuma muttered. He suddenly paused, frowning. He'd been sensing a bunch of bugs ever since they came in, but now…
"Uraraka! Tokoyami! Hold up!" Kazuma suddenly cried, running forward. He grabbed them both and jerked them back before they could turn the corner they'd been about to go around.
"What?!" Uraraka snapped. "If you're going to whine or demand we go back because you're scared or something I-"
"Shhhh," Kazuma hissed, putting his finger to Uraraka's lips. He motioned them up against the wall. He lowered his voice, pressing himself against the rock. "Listen, I've got a lot of skills. My level isn't very high, but I used a cheese strat to get basically every low level Adventurer skill in the book. Sense Foe is one of them. It's been going off since we came to the mine, but there's a lot of something's up ahead. Look, I've got Darkvision and Lurk too. I'm going to scout ahead, see what's going on. You three get ready."
"Finally decided to take this seriously?" Tokoyami asked. "Very well. But do not think you can simply run away."
"Kazuma is many things, but a fool and a coward are not among them," Darkness said, all the playfulness gone out of her voice. "If he says there is danger ahead, it is wise to heed him. He did this same thing many times in our quest to defeat the Devil King. It saved our lives, more than once."
"Yeah, so shut up, and just wait," Kazuma said. He thrust his torch at Darkness, who had forgone one previously due to needing both hands for her blade. "Hold on to this for me. If you hear me scream like a little girl, come and save me, alright?"
Darkness nodded seriously, while Tokoyami and Uraraka sniggered. Kazuma ignored them. "Lurk!"
He crept forward, his Darkvision allowing him to see despite the total lack of light once he had gone more than a few dozen paces. His Sense Foe was going nuts: there were hundreds, maybe thousands of cockroaches ahead of him, and something else. He carefully made his way forward, grateful that his skills allowed him to move without sound, vibration, smell, or even the notice of magical detection as he wove his way around cockroaches on the floor and ceiling.
He came to a large cavern, and gingerly leaned out into it. What he saw filled his belly with ice. The entire room was brimming with a swarming mass of bugs. But that wasn't all. At the center of it stood a cockroach that was larger than the others, standing on two legs. It was about a third of a meter high, and wore a robe that trailed down to the floor, with a crown on its head and a scepter grasped in one hand. It made his ears itch, for some reason, but he remembered seeing that particular roach before.
I should have known! We are facing the Lord of the Tomb! That's one of his generals, the Duke of Terror! Kazuma thought. He turned and fled immediately, dodging frantically around the swarming roaches. When he got near to his party, he heard grunts and clanging steel, and felt his blood run cold. Masses of roaches were crawling forward, swarming towards where he'd left the others.
"Not good," Kazuma grunted, pulling out his slingshot and loading a small bag of flour into it. "Snipe! Kindle! Snipe! Kindle!"
The bags of flour slapped into the swarm, the impact crushing a single roach. The fireball that erupted when Kazuma kindled the powder, however, was another matter, frying dozens of bugs in a single go. He yowled as bugs bit at him, but he raced forward, continuing his barrage until he rounded the corner, where his three companions were fighting off the roaches.
"Run!" Kazuma ordered. "There's one of the Tomb Lord's generals here! That's where the bugs are coming from!"
"What?!" the others cried, looking up from their work. They were all covered in slime and ichor, and even Darkness seemed to have stopped enjoying herself, having holstered her sword to simply crush bugs with her feet and hands.
"It's the Duke of Terror! I'm so stupid! It was his bugs that nearly overwhelmed us the last time!" Kazuma panted, drawing Chunchumaru and freeing himself of the roaches biting at his heels. Thankfully, he still had enough HP and defensive skills they hadn't done much. "He's super dangerous! We have to warn the village! There's no way we can take him, he's got thousands of these bugs."
"Crap!" Uraraka gasped, her eyes going wide. "What can we do?"
"I've got some dynamite, once we get out, we'll collapse the mine, it will buy us some time," Kazuma explained as they backed away. "We'll need the Baroness and maybe some other adventurers to defeat this monster!"
"No," Tokoyami suddenly said, casting down his torch. "If this fiend is here, we will not merely seal it away. I shall end this, now. Dark Shadow! I give myself to your dark power!"
"What, no, Tokoyami, don't!" Uraraka gasped. "You'll be killed!"
"Even if that happens, I'll die knowing you're all safe, and that one of our greatest foes is fallen," Tokoyami said with a grim smile as Dark Shadow began to roil and envelop him. "Fear not. I shall overcome this foe and my inner demon, or I shall fall alongside the bodies of my enemies."
"DEATH!" Dark Shadow screamed, growing suddenly larger, enveloping Tokoyami. "KILL THEM ALL! DESTROY!"
"Holy shit," Kazuma breathed as Tokoyami bellowed and ran forward, Dark Shadow annihilating every bug in their path. "He actually does have a super dangerous inner demon."
"What, did you think he was just pretending?" Uraraka demanded. "He's not some overly dramatic kid! Dark Shadow is a DANGEROUS quirk! He told our team about it at the Sports Festival, and that it was SUPER hard to control in the dark, and that he nearly killed his entire family when it first manifested! They had to call in a dozen police and three really strong pros to contain it, and that was when he was five!"
"I thought… I thought he was just some edgelord poser," Kazuma admitted. "Well, we better get out of here to warn the village, come back later and try to save him. Maybe I can use my lurk later to-Darkness?"
Darkness was suddenly breathing heavily, her eyes gleaming with lust. "That… that was the biggest, strongest, most dangerous monster I have ever seen!"
A knot formed in the pit of Kazuma's stomach, and he tried to bar Darknesses path. "No! Darkness, this is not the time to give in to your perverted lusts!"
"No! He needs me! He needs a crusader to save him from that demon!" Darkness cried, shoving Kazuma aside. "Do not fear, Tokoyami! I will save you! After I have become your plaything, your object of abuse that will exhaust your demon utterly!"
"Darkness, don't be stupid! You're tough but you're no match for-" Uraraka groaned as Darkness pushed her to the ground.
"It is a crusader's duty to shield her allies! I shall not allow Tokoyami to sacrifice himself!" Darkness proclaimed, then ran off after him. "Come on you big monster! Pick on someone who will ENJOY it!"
"Crap crap crap crap!" Kazuma groaned, picking up one of the fallen torches. "Darkness! I'm not watching you die! Not again!"
He thought back to that day, the day where he'd watched all his friends die, one at a time. Darkness had been first: drained to a husk by that disgustingly powerful loli vampire. True, Megumin had blown the bloodsucker to kingdom come once Kazuma had transferred enough MP to her, but it had been too late to save their friend.
"Wait, I'm coming with you!" Uraraka said, grabbing her torch and hurrying after Kazuma. "They're both crazy and reckless, but they are our friends! We won't leave them behind!"
The passages they moved through were smeared with ichor and hunks of shattered carapace, the walls gouged with great claw and beak marks from where Dark Shadow had run wild. It didn't take them long to get to the cavern, where a swarm of roaches was now trying to overwhelm Tokoyami. At first, it looked as though even Dark Shadow would be overcome by sheer numbers, but then Darkness waded into the fray, swinging her great sword wildy.
"Come at me, villains! It is me you want! Focus on me!" she bellowed.
The roaches hesitated, then gave up their attack on Tokoyami, who was now bleeding and battered, both from the roaches, and from the rampage of his out of control quirk. Dark Shadow seemed to be drawn by Darkness as well, screeching in rage, and tossing aside the rent corpse of the Duke of Terror, who had been helpless before its onslaught. Kazuma supposed this world followed the chunky salsa rule.
"We've got to stop this!" Uraraka cried, starting forward, but Kazuma put out his hand.
"Wait. Darkness is tough. Like, really tough. Let Dark Shadow kill all the bugs she's drawn to herself first, then we'll end this," Kazuma told her.
Uraka nodded, swallowing nervously. "Ok, but how?"
"I've got a few bags of flour left. Could you float them up into the air above Dark Shadow?" Kazuma asked. "I need to fill this cavern with as much powder as possible to make a super bright flash. Dark Shadow doesn't like it when that happens, he gets weaker. That should give Tokoyami his opening to regain control."
"Yes! Ok! I can do that," Uraraka agreed.
Kazuma passed her his bags of flour, which Uraraka quickly flung into the cavern. They bounced off the ceiling and walls, and he quickly sniped them, scattering the powder, which floated around instead of settling like it normally would have. He watched carefully until Darkshadow had stomped all the roaches into paste, and was simply tossing Darkness about.
"Ok, run!" Kazuma cried, shoving Uraraka out of the cavern. They fled, and Kazuma flung out a hand behind him. "Kindle!"
This time, the explosion shook the walls, causing rocks to fall atop them, and sections of the mine to collapse. Both Kazuma and Uraraka covered their heads with their arms, curled up into balls on the floor until the trembling stopped. At that point, it was pitch black, the torches having been snuffed out. Kazuma groaned, brushing rocks off of himself and standing. He dug out a spare torch and lit it, then helped Uraraka to her feet.
"Lesser Heal," Kazuma croaked, putting his hand on Uraraka. He coughed, groaning and staggering slightly.
"Oh my gosh, are you OK?" Uraraka asked, quickly sliding under Kazuma's arm and using her quirk to make him weightless as she supported him.
"No, almost out of MP," Kazuma groaned. "My skills are low level and cheap, but I've used them a lot. Come on. Let's go check on the others."
They made their way back to the cavern, Kazuma holding up his torch to illuminate it. Dark Shadow moaned, having reverted to a tiny, faded shape, and tried to hide under Tokoyami, who was lying atop Darkness, battered and bruised.
"Was… was it good for you too?" Darkness gasped, hugging Tokoyami and stroking his back affectionately. She was nearly naked now, her armor and body suit both shredded by the battle, her sword a mangled piece of metal tossed in a corner of the cavern.
"My demon… is… tamed," Tokoyami grunted. "You are a most… remarkable woman. Thank you. You saved me."
"Ooo, any time," Darkness giggled. "You do know how to show a lady a good time."
"Knock it off you two," Kazuma said as Uraraka helped him over. He put a hand on both Tokoyami and Darkness. "Lesser Heal!"
"My thanks," Tokoyami said, slowly standing. He took a spare torch Kazuma offered him, lighting it from Uraraka's as Kazuma's MP reserves were now totally drained. "It seems you are more useful than I initially thought. Perhaps my bonus was wisely chosen."
"Oh, gee, thanks. But I guess you're not so bad yourself, Edgebird. I don't know many people who could solo a General of the Tomb like you did," Kazuma chuckled, then grunted in pain as Darkness picked him up. "Put me down! I can walk!"
"No, you cannot," Darkness said, slinging him over her shoulder like a sack of rice.
"No, I can't," Kazuma admitted. "But it's still humiliating. You and your damn muscles."
"As I have said, my body is my greatest asset to our party," Darkness chuckled.
Tokoyami eyed her appreciatively. "Indeed."
"Oh stop it. Don't let Kazutrash rub off on you, Tokoyami," Uraraka giggled. "But Darkness… that was amazing! You are a true hero! To rush in to save a comrade! It was a selfless act!"
"No it wasn't," Kazuma and Darkness said together.
"I, um, I rather enjoyed it," Darkness admitted. "I did want to save Tokoyami, but, well, I would be lying if I did not say I found the prospect thrilling."
"Darkness, please, just take the compliment," Uraraka sighed. She walked over, picking up the smashed crown and broken scepter from the corpse of the Duke of Terror. "Ugh. So gross. Come on, let's get out of here. We're a bunch of weirdos, but I guess we did manage to beat one of the Generals of the Lord of the Tomb."
"Yeah," Kazuma sighed as Darkness carried him up out of the mine. "It feels just like old times…"
Problem was, that was what worried him.
Author's Note
Only one way for get rid of da roach bruddah.
Last edited by a moderator: May 27, 2020
Chapter 5: My Babies, Let Me Show You Them[img: . ]
Chapter 5: My Babies, Let Me Show You Them
I always wanted to start my own religion. So I did!
-Kel'Thuzad, Warcraft III
"Good morning Midoriya! Wait, no, good afternoon!"
Groaning, Izuku slowly opened his eyes to see the grinning face of Mei Hatsume hovering just a few inches above his own. "Ugh, good, um, afternoon."
"Yes! Are you ready to make more babies!? I think we can finish the steam engine today! With that, I can generate electricity, which I need to make aluminum babies, and-"
Hatsume's words washed over Izuku for a moment as she excitedly rambled on about her plans for making new inventions. He blinked, frowning, then, suddenly, he remembered.
"Oh God," Izuku whispered, tears filling his eyes. "We died. They're gone. Everyone's gone."
Hatsume paused, frowning at Izuku. "What?"
"I'm sorry," sniffed, rubbing at his eyes. "I just… my mom, All Might, UA, our friends, it's all just… it's gone, Hatsume. We're stuck in another world."
"Oh." Hatsume studied Izuku for a second, then embraced him, giving Izuku a hard enough squeeze that it drove the breath out of his body. "Yes, I am sad too. I will miss my mom, and dad, and sister, and also the two brats, and Mr. Maijima."
"Thank you," Izuku sniffed, crying into Hatsume's shoulder. "I… I'm glad you're here, Hatsume. I know we don't know each other very well, but, I mean, you're a part of home. I hope… I hope Aqua can keep her word, and send us back if we defeat the Lord of the Tomb…"
Hatsume gasped, jerking herself off of Izuku and peering down at him with her odd eyes, which seemed to be zooming in tightly on his face. "Wait, Aqua can send us back?! I thought I was going to have to make a bunch of super cute babies and try to replicate the explosion so that I could send us back! We should just ask her right now!"
Isuku sighed, sighting up and running his hand through his hair. "No, see, she's a goddess or something, but to send us back, first we have to beat the Lord of the Tomb, then she and Megumin will resurrect us, like they promised."
"Megumin did not say that was possible! She simply said she wanted to make explosions and be my friend so we could make super cute babies together!" Hatsume exclaimed. "I thought I would have to figure it out all by myself!"
"Yeah, I mean, I don't know if Aqua can really even do what she said," Izuku admitted. "She didn't know anything about our world. She knew nothing about quirks, or UA, or even All Might. She claimed it was 2016 or something, you know, in the before times."
"Well that is dumb. She does not seem very much like a goddess. I did not believe in gods or goddesses, they seemed like pretend things, and pretend things are boring. I only agreed to come here because going to heaven or being reincarnated ment I would never get to make super cute babies again!" Hatsume ranted.
"Yeah." Izuku smiled at Hatsume, wiping away his tears. "But, we'll figure it out, and get back to our homes, one way or another."
"Yes! Either with weird magic that is not pretend, or with my super cute babies!" Hatsume said, and gave Izuku another excited hug.
That was the point when Izuku realized a few things. The first of which, he was in a bed with a girl. The second was, both he and the girl were wearing very little. In Izuku's case, he had on only a shirt and boxers, while Hatsume had on a sports bra and boy shorts. The third thing was, of course, that the girl in question was very enthusiastically hugging Izuku. Which, combined with the fact that he had just woken up, triggered a rather natural response in a healthy young man.
"S-sorry," Izuku gasped, pushing himself away from Hatsume.
"Why?" Hatsume asked, clearly puzzled. "It is not your fault we died and came to this world. I am very glad that you are here with me! You are very strong, and have lots of nice muscles. I did not think muscles on a boy could be so nice, but I like yours."
"Oh, um, I er, like yours too?" Izuku gasped, trying to wiggle away from Hatsume. If he had learned anything from books and TV, any second now she would slap him, or someone would barge in and accuse him of being a pervert, or something else terrible along those lines.
"Thank you! Come on, let's go eat something! I am very hungry!" Hatsume jumped out of bed and made for the door to the room.
"W-wait!" Izuku cried. "Don't go out there!"
"Huh?" Hatsume turned around, puzzled. "Why? Do you have something to eat?"
"N-n-no," Izuku admitted, wrapping a blanket around himself. "It's, just, um, you know, we're ah, not…"
"Not what? Hungry? If you want we can skip breakfast and start making babies right away!"
"N-n-no, we're, not, um, dressed," Izuku said meekly, lowering his eyes and wincing. Here it came.
"Oh! Yes, clothes. Thank you for reminding me! These are dirty too. I am dirty also. We should probably shower; mom and dad always yell at me if I come to breakfast dirty," Hatsume said, and started to pull off what little clothes she had.
"No! Wait! Don't!" Izuku yelped, jumping out of bed. He quickly tossed one of the blankets over Hatsume, wrapping her in it. "I don't, you know, want you to think I'm, er, harrassing you, or something. I'm not like that!"
That just seemed to confuse the girl further. "What? You have been very nice, Midiorya, you are not a bully at all! You asked me to be on your team, and you helped me make babies! I think we should be friends! Yes!" Mei discarded the blanket, going over to a trunk and opening it to rummage through it. "Ah ha! Yes, clothes! Here, do you want some? Hmm, where are the pants? I do not like dresses."
Izuku had to turn away when Hatsume stripped off her underwear, then pulled on a too-tight tunic and pulled on a pair of somewhat baggy trousers. "Here, you are a little bit taller than me, so you take the bigger shirt!"
Hatsume looked at Izuku expectantly as she handed him a tunic, smiling happily.
"Um, thanks, er, could I um, a little privacy?" Izuku asked, blushing as he took the clothes.
"There is no one else here, don't worry!" Hatsume told him, and started humming to herself as she continued to watch.
Blushing, Izuku unwrapped himself from the blanket, and started to pull on the trousers, but Hatsume clicked her tongue. "No, those are dirty! You need to take them off! There is no underwear in here so we will have to ask for some."
"But, you're, er, watching me," Izuku said, flushing even deeper if that was possible.
"Yes, do not worry, I have two brothers, I know what boys are like," Hatsume said. She frowned. "Wait, is this a social skills thing? I am very bad at those."
"Y-y-yeah, could you, um, wait outside?" Izuku asked, trying to cover himself with the clothes.
"Ok! But do not worry, Izuku, I think your body is very nice! You do not need to be embarrassed, I would not make fun of you." Then she simply left the room, closing the door behind her. Izuku could hear her humming happily in the hallway.
Completely unsure of how to take this new development, Izuku quickly changed clothes, taking off his sodden underwear. Reluctantly, he gathered up Hatsume's own dirty clothes, which she'd simply tossed on the floor, careful not to touch them, and put them in a basket that seemed to be for laundry.
When Izuku stepped out of the room, Hatsume immediately began to talk about her plans for the steam engine, what materials she would need, and how they could eventually build a better forge to make higher quality materials. Izuku eyed her to see if she was angry at him or teasing him, but she simply seemed genuinely excited to talk to him, even moving in close enough that Izuku was slightly embarrassed.
"Good morning, m'lord, m'lady" a maid said, curtsying as Izuku and Hatsume came down the stairs to the inn's main room. "Can I get you anything?"
"Yes, we are hungry! Do you have coffee? What about pancakes? Or mochi? Something with lots of sugar?" Mei asked eagerly.
"Coffee? Um, I don't rightly know what that is, m'lady. We do have some cakes and pastries, and hot tea, or if you prefer, wine or ale."
"That's fine! Um, any protein we could have with breakfast?" Izuku asked. The maid gave Izuku a blank look, and he elaborated, "Er, that would be meat, eggs, milk, cheese, or maybe beans?"
"Oh, of course! We've fresh milk to drink, and eggs and cheese of course. I'll be right back with that. Please, have a seat anywhere you like."
"Do you have chocolate milk!?" Mei asked eagerly. "I like chocolate milk!"
"No, I am very sorry m'lady! I'm afraid I don't know much of what gods eat, I apologize!" the maid whispered, looking down in embarrassment.
"No, it's fine! Um, just some milk to drink, and those pastries, and some cheese would be really great! We are very grateful," Izuku said, bowing quickly.
Hatsume glanced at Izuku, then mimicked his gesture.
"Oh!" the maid squeaked. "Please, I'm just a simple village girl! No need to thank me, I'll be right back!"
The meal ended up being quite good, with Mei gorging herself on sweets while Izuku ate a more protein intensive array with some fruits and vegetables. When they were nearly finished, Anton came in, smiling and bowing to Izuku and Mei.
"It is good to see you are refreshed. Lord Midoriya, my father has tasked me with assisting in your training with the blade."
"Oh, right, that would be really great!" Izuku agreed. He blushed, glancing at Hatsume, whose face was covered in crumbs with a prominent milk mustache. "Um, you don't mind, do you? It's really important that I learn how to fight properly…"
"No, that's ok, that's why you're a hero and I'm a support! I'll just get the blacksmith to help today. Plus, he talked about making something cute for you! Special armor maybe!"
"Yeah, nothing too heavy, I don't want my movement to be restricted. Plus, One For All also enhances my durability," Izuku added.
"Right! Something lightweight! Ha! We will have to show everyone how to manufacture aluminum! But for that I'll need my steam engine so we can do some electrolysis. Good luck, Midoriya!"
With that Hatsume stood up and scrambled away, muttering to herself about what she planned on making. Izuku found his gaze following her, admiring just how snugly the tunic fit Hatsume's figure. He blushed and looked back to Anton, not wanting to appear to be a lech.
"She is a remarkable woman," Anton observed. "Truely, you gods are a breed apart."
"What? No! We're not, I mean, Hatsume and I are just people, like you!" Izuku objected.
That made the other boy laugh. "My friend, I watched you run fast enough to keep up with a galloping horse while wearing armor! And Martel tells me Lady Hatsume had created steel finer than he has ever seen, leaving aside the marvelous creations and the, er, magical outbursts."
"I really am just a normal human. I was born quirkless, er, without any magic or special abilities," Izuku explained as they walked outside. "But I was given powers by All Might, the greatest hero to ever live. Without One For All, I'd be just like you."
"Ah, you are blessed by the gods then," Anton said, nodding in understanding. "Just as Father Henri and Marie have been."
"Huh? What happened to Marie?" Izuku asked.
"Did you hear the blast this morning?" Anton asked. When Izuku shook his head, he chuckled. "I see, your lady must have tired you! Do not blush, I jest, I jest! But Lady Megumin, she has bestowed her magic upon Marie! She can now perform a feat of magic that will be unrivaled in all of Royaume. It is not as impressive as what the goddesses can manage, of course, but it will be a great boon to our village. Now, come, let us dance!"
The sword training with Anton proved to be painful and exhausting, but Izuku kept at it determinedly. He found that he was once more struggling to tap into One For All, and that keeping up with Anton was a challenge. The other boy seemed to think Izuku was taking it easy on him, despite Izuku's continued insistence he really was just an ordinary human.
At dinner Izuku and the others were invited to the Count's manor, which was a large, fortified house on the northern outskirts of the village. It had a wooden palisade around it that was large enough to hold all of the villagers in an emergency, though Blois said it was rare these days for many strong monsters to come close to the village.
"Still, you never know when there might be a resurgence of goblinoids or a greatbeak that decides to attack our herds," Blois told Izuku. "Ah, here, my eldest, Gaston, and Sir Lenore."
"An honor, my lord, and ladies," Gaston said, bowing deeply. He looked to be in his early twenties, and like his father already bore several battle scars. He also introduced his wife Chanel and their infant daughter Isabel, who would be dining with them as well.
Sir Lenore, it turned out, was a woman somewhere in her late twenties, stoutly built and with an eyepatch over her left eye, which appeared to not be decorative like Megumin's was. She curtsied silently, then went to sit with Sir Jacques at the foot of the table.
The Baron it seemed was single, his wife having died of a fever along with their youngest daughter some years ago. Life in this world it seemed, even for nobility, was harsh and short.
As for Izuku's companions, Aqua wore the same dress as ever, and Megumin was in her robes. Izuku and Mei had changed into their tracksuits, which had been laundered. Izuku found it a bit awkward to sit in something so casual when the Count and his party were dressed in their formal best, but then again the tracksuits probably appeared exotic and fancy to them.
"So, Midoriya, I have to know, are you some sort of fighter? What exactly is your class?" Megumin demanded when they sat down to eat. "Hatsume Is obviously an artificer, but what are you? You're trying to learn the One Handed Sword skill and Aqua says you have the Medium Armor skill. I'll have you know, I'm used to Adventuring with a very sturdy crusader, so I will demand the very best protection from you if we're to defeat the Lord of the Tomb together!"
"Class?" Izuku asked. "Um, I was in Class 1A."
"Yes, Midoriya was in the Hero Course! I was in the Support Course, 1H!" Hatsume put in.
"Hero? That's not a class!" Megumin protested around a mouthful of food. She'd immediately grabbed several dishes and filled her plate, not even waiting for permission from their host. Aqua had poured herself a glass of wine and was knocking it back with no regard for decorum either, smacking her lips loudly.
Izuku glanced at their host, blushing and worried that he'd call out these so called "goddesses" on their manners, but neither the Count nor his sons and retainers seemed overly concerned with manners themselves, eagerly digging in to their food and listening attentively to Megumin's words.
"Um, well, I'm not sure I know what you mean then?" Izuku said, feeling flustered as he took portions himself. The food looked good, though it clearly wasn't Japanese. There was a great deal of bread, soups, meats cooked in wine or creamy sauces, and some fresh fruit and greens.
"What? It's obvious! See, Aqua is an Arch Priest. That's how she's got loads of support and healing spells, plus she's nearly as high level as me!" Megumin explained.
"I'd be higher if you weren't such a killstealer," Aqua muttered.
"Well, then you should be faster to get in the killing blow," Megumin sniffed. "As for me, well, I am an Arch Wizard of the Crimson Demon Clan! The most powerful race of magic users! I am a master of Explosion magic, she who will one day create an explosion so glorious it consumes the entire world!"
That pronouncement got the attention of their hosts, who froze, staring in shock at Megumin.
"A dark goddess," Gaston muttered, making a warding gesture by holding his fist before his face.
"Yes! I will save the world with my explosions, and from the ashes, I shall remake it, more perfect and complete!" Megumin declared, jumping up on her chair and posing with a dramatic swirl of her cape. "No vile creature shall stand before me! Even the Lord of the Tomb will bask in awe at my dark power!"
She sat back down, grinning smugly at Izuku. "So, what class are you? Warrior? Knight? Or just a basic Adventurer?"
"Um, none of them?" Izuku said, rubbing the back of his head. "I mean, I wanted to become a hero when I graduated, but I guess I'm going to have to do that now."
"What? How can you not have a class?" Megumin pointed to Marie. "She's clearly a Wizard, and they're both Knights, while the Count is a Swordmaster!"
"It is kind of you to say such things, but I am afraid I never earned that title," Blois said, bowing his head to Megumin. "The only living Swordmasters in the kingdom are Charles de Galant, and Countess de Arch."
"Huh? Then what class are you?" Megumin demanded.
"Why, I am a Count," Blois said, blinking in confusion. "That is, I am a minor landed noble."
"Wait, do you mean a class, like, from a video game?" Izuku asked, vaguely recalling something his classmates at school had talked about. He'd never been one for fantasy games, but he'd heard about them of course.
"Yes, just like in the MMOs from your world!" Megumin said. "So, what class are you?"
"Um, I don't have one?" Izuku admitted. "Er, maybe Student? Or trainee hero? People don't just have classes where I come from…"
"That is ridiculous! How do you choose your skills or decide what sort of Adventurer you are going to be?" Megumin demanded. "You said you wanted to be a hero, well, heroes have to have an advanced class! You can't just let anyone earn the title of hero!"
"Well, you have to pass the Hero License exam," Izuku explained. "Then you become a pro hero and can use your quirk in public, so long it's on a mission."
"Quirks are like, what he calls magic," Aqua told Megumin. "His world is super weird, I don't think it's actually one of the ones I'm in charge of at all. That explosion probably just dumped him off in one of my realms so I took his soul to judge by accident."
"Well, you and Hatsume's quirks are obviously special abilities from skill points, how did you decide to get them if you don't have a class?" Megumin demanded.
"Mine is from my dad!" Hatsume said, looking up from her plate, which was covered in nothing but sweet desserts. She was going to make herself sick if she continued to eat like that, but Izuku didn't feel comfortable telling her so as he barely knew her. "My sister and I both got our quirk from dad, ours is called Zoom! My little brother Nikiawa's is from our mom, but Komaru's is a mutation! His eyes make you feel weird if you look at them for too long."
"Yeah, quirks are genetic, you get them from your parents," Izuku agreed. "Well, um, except for mine. It's, er, different."
"Really?!" Hatsume asked excitedly, wiping her chin with the back of her hand. "You have to tell me about it, Midoriya! If it's a new kind of quirk, then I can make you a super cute baby just for it!"
Izuku fidgeted, unsure of what to do. It was supposed to be a secret, but, well, he was technically dead, and All Might wasn't around, and he had to trust someone. Hatsume seemed like the best candidate, so he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "I got it from All Might. He um, his quirk can be passed on. Don't tell anyone though, it's a secret."
"Ok," Hatsume said in a very loud stage whisper. "But that is very interesting! I did not know quirks could do that! If All-"
Izuku put his hand to Hatsume's mouth, wincing. "Shh! Secret."
That got her to nod vigorously, and Izuku withdrew his hand. "I won't tell, I promise! But I will definitely be able to think of ways to make super cute babies just for it now! Ha! That explains why you hurt yourself when you use it! I heard about it from Mr. Maijima, apparently Mr. Aizawa asked if he could think of some gear that could help you so he told me!"
"Yeah, it's a problem, I'm still growing into it," Izuku admitted. He looked back to Megumin and Aqua, who both appeared gobsmacked.
"You're just… born with powerful skills?!" Megumin demanded. "My parents are both accomplished Archwizards, so I inherited a high intelligence stat from them, but I had to earn skill points by earning skill potions and leveling up to even begin to earn enough skill points to learn Explosion!"
"You keep talking about levels," Izuku said slowly. "You don't… you don't get, what's it called? Ex Pee? From fighting stuff?"
Aqua looked at Izuku as though he'd just told her the world's supply of alcohol had run out. "Wow. I guess you really aren't a NEET, huh? This is like, super basic stuff, Midoriya. That's how most fantasy worlds work! You get experience from fighting monsters, doing quests, or eating special food. Though I'm sorta surprised this food isn't worth any experience, it's pretty tasty."
"You are not enjoying your food?" Blois asked, sounding worried.
"No, it's good, but I won't get any levels out of it," Aqua told him. "I mean, I have to eat a lot of food to level up now anyways, I'm level 78."
"And I'm level 84," Megumin declared, a mischievous grin on her face. "That's why I'm the greatest Archwizard in the entire world! I got the killing blow on the Devil King, and he was world LOADS of xp!"
"Er, you don't get levels, or points, or well, anything but nutrition out of food where I'm from. I think it's the same way here?" Izuku said, looking to Blois.
"Our repast is to fortify ourselves, and give us strength. To prepare it takes skill, to partake of it does not," Blois said, then chuckled and nodded to his granddaughter, who was still young enough that a servant had to mash food for her and feed her at a separate table. "Unless one is very young, of course."
"This place is so weird," Megumin muttered. "No experience? No levels? No skills? I mean, I taught Marie Explosion, it wasn't even hard! She didn't have an Adventurers card I admit, but I sort of, I don't know, gave her the knowledge. I just showed her how to recite the spell and then she could do it."
"It was far easier learning magic from you, Lady Megumin," Marie said, bowing her head respectfully. "I am but a simple Freemage, I spent years in a Guildhall to learn the half dozen incantations I know, each requiring great effort to master. But when you showed me your divine magic, it was as though it was etched into my mind with a fiery quill, and I understood immediately."
"Yeah, because that's how learning spells is SUPPOSED to work," Megumin said. "I could tell you're a decent enough level, even if you only know basic magic. You just must have had enough extra skill points to master explosion, which for a Wizard is 60 points! That's a lot to just leave lying around."
"Hmm, no, you must actually be becoming a goddess," Aqua mused. "I think I remember something about the survivors of the Crimson Demon Clan worshiping you, the ones left alive when the Lord of the Tomb conquered your world. So if you have followers, you can grant blessings to them. And Marie converted to your cult when you offered to teach her Explosion magic, so she counts. That's how you taught Hatsume too."
"Wait, Megumin can teach that to anybody?!" Izuku asked, feeling half panicked. From what he had seen, that spell was incredibly destructive, and she'd already asked him if he wanted to use it. If she started teaching it to just anyone…
"No, only really devoted followers of hers that already meet the stat requirements," Aqua said with a shrug. "And they'll only be able to use it as long as Megumin has enough prayers and offerings to allow it."
"Wait, could I use that holy power to cast more Explosions?!" Megumin demanded eagerly.
"I mean, I guess. I don't have much MP myself, since my intelligence is so low, so I have to draw most of my spells from my followers' belief," Aqua explained. "You're used to using your own magic reserves, but you could do the same thing. I'll show you how, it's not that hard. Just make sure you have enough followers, or you'll run out of belief."
"Oh, that won't be a problem," Megumin said, rubbing her hands. She grinned at Marie. "You! I charge you, as the first of my followers on this world, to spread news of my power across the land! Inform my disciples that if they beseech me, I, Megumin, Dark Goddess of Explosions, will bestow the blessing of explosion magic upon them in their hour of need! They must use it only for great justice, to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked! I, Megumin, have spoken!"
"Y-yes, my lady!" Marie said, standing quickly. She curtsied to Megumin, then swallowed and cursed again to Blois. "Your pardon, my lord, but my goddess calls. I… I must beg leave of you, and depart your service…"
Blois stood slowly, going over and resting a hand on Marie's shoulder. "Go," he said seriously. "These new goddesses are powerful indeed. With their might, the evil of this world shall shudder, and Men will at last push back the darkness and free this world! Find worthy acolytes for the Goddess Megumin, those who would use her powerful magic well."
"Wait!" Megumin said, standing and hurrying over. "I'm going to have to teach you the ways of the Crimson Demon Clan first! Our culture is a deep, rich tapestry, and to truly spread my good name, I must show you more of it."
"Of course, My Lady, I shall learn everything I can from you," Marie swore, bowing and kissing the hem of Megumin's robe.
"Yes, yes, but no fawning! Crimson demons do not fawn! Now, first, we must learn introductions. Stand up, straight! Yes, like that. Now, this is what you must do."
Megumin struck a T pose, raising one leg up, spreading both arms wide, and her eyes seemed to glow. "Behold! I am Megumin! Arch Wizard of the Crimson Demon clan! I wield the power of Holy Explosions, and all wicked things tremble at my coming!"
"That looks really silly," Mei muttered. "Like what my little brother Komaru and his dumb friends do when they're trying to copy cartoon heroes."
Izuku snorted, covering his mouth with his hands. Really, it reminded him of what he used to do when he was a kid, dressing up like All Might and posing in front of the mirror. That was the sort of thing that heroes did only for publicity stunts when they were trying to appeal to Middle School and Elementary kids.
"It is not silly!" Megumin protested, planting her hands on her hips. "It is a proud tradition of the Crimson Demon clan! Making a proper introduction is vital to our culture, and to my religion! Now you try, Marie!"
Marie nodded seriously, then intoned, "Behold, I am Marie, Wizard of-"
"No, no, no!" Megumin ranted. "Look, you're not even posing. Here, stick your arm up, like that! Then, make a cool sign in front of your face with the other! Now, bend one leg slightly, and stick the other out! That's better! And don't just SAY it! You really have to mean it! Otherwise, it won't make the same impression!"
After several tries and corrections, each more ridiculous than the last, Marie was finally ready. Taking a deep breath, she struck her ridiculous pose, making a V shape before her right eye, one arm out and raised while she cackled maniacally.
"BEHOLD! I am Marie! Wizard and Priestess of the Crimson Demon Clan! I am a wielder of the secret arcane arts, mightiest of magics! All that is wicked sees me, and despairs!"
"Better, better," Megumin said, rubbing her chin. "Come, now we have to practice some incantations. You can't just wave your hand and chant 'Explosion' a bunch. I mean, sure, it will work, but that's just for basic stuff. To REALLY get the good stuff, you have to be creative! Come on, I saw a nice, open field with a bunch of rocks in it. We'll practice there! You, Midoriya, Hatsume, come on! We'll need someone to carry us back when we're done."
Sighing, Izuku pushed his chair in and followed Megumin and Marie, Hatsume happily tagging along as she shoved sweets into her pockets. Great. He was going to be an accessory to arson, and a delusional middle schooler's cult.
These goddesses must be crazy.
Author's Note
I hope you are all enjoying my extremely high effort page images. I think they add a lot to the story.
Chapter 6: Maid To Order[img: . ]
This document Beta'd by The Evil Within
Chapter 6: Maid to Order
I'm not afraid of hard work. I can lie down next to it and take a nap any time.
-Sato Kazuma
The problem with success, Kazuma reflected, was that it raised people's expectations. When he'd just been a loser NEET, no one had really expected him to do anything. Sure, his parents had yelled at him to go to school, but they'd always just sighed in resignation when it turned out he'd spent yet another day in his room playing video games.
When he'd first become a famous Adventurer, Kazuma had been very careful to continue to cultivate his persona as a useless layabout so that he didn't get sent on too many quests, as those really cut into his naps and veg sessions. Here in Konigreich, Baroness Von Galen had seemed to start to catch on to the fact that Kazuma wasn't a god, but in fact a bum who enjoyed staying in bed until noon and eating junk food.
And then he'd gone and killed the Duke of Terror, and now she seemed to have decided he was a useful, if strange, person. She just needed to properly motivate him.
"So, what is it you want?" she demanded, strolling into Kazuma's room as her servants flung open his drapes. He groaned, trying to cover his head with his pillow.
"To get some sleep! Sheesh, I'm worn out! Beating generals of the Lord of the Tomb is hard work! I have to get my rest in!"
"It has been two days. I have talked with Lady Dustiness, she says she knows you well," Von Galen said, snapping her fingers. The two servants hurried over, curtsying to Kazuma. He slowly raised his head, eyeing them. They were both cute young ladies, dressed in an approximation of the maid outfit he'd had Darkness wear for him during one of her "punishment" sessions. "You are lech, correct?"
"Hey now," Kazuma growled, glaring up at Von Galen as she loomed over him. She was about a decade older than Kazuma, and she would have been cute, if it wasn't for the fact that her nose had been broken more than once and she had more scars and muscles than Darkness. She was also married, and her husband was a tough looking knight named Heinrich who Kazuma had decided he did not want to get on the bad side of.
Besides, Von Galen was also pregnant, and that sort of thing really turned Kazuma off. She had three children already, the oldest was nearly ten. MILFs were cool and all, except when they carried around swords and had husbands who had large, literal axes to grind.
"It is nothing. Uraraka, she is a miser. She works for gold. She was quite happy with the money and possessions I have given her. Lady Dustiness is someone who finds satisfaction only in the field of battle. I understand this; it is a proper vice for a noble. And Tokoyami, he is a braggart. That is all fine. But you? You laze about. So, here is my offer: these two girls."
The two servants blushed and bowed deeply again to Kazuma, who slowly sat up in his bed. "Wait, what do you mean, you offer 'these two girls?'"
"They are girls from the village," Von Galen said. "Do you wish to know their names? Yes? Introduce yourselves."
"I am Helga, m'lord," the blonde with a larger bust and freckles on her cheeks whispered.
"My name is Gretchin, m'lord," the other girl giggled, smiling shyly. She was a bit flatter, but had bright blue eyes and dark hair in pigtails that made her just the perfect jailbait type.
The whole "m'lord" thing was sort of nice, really played into the whole maid fetish thing. "Er, I'm Kazuma. But you can call me 'Master.'"
Von Galen studied Kazuma, then nodded. "Girls, return to your quarters. I will speak with this man alone."
The girls quickly hurried off, and Vol Galen dragged over a chair, puffing slightly as she eased herself into it. She was pretty far along, though that hadn't stopped her from challenging Kazuma to a duel and going at it harder than a woman in her condition had any right to. "Yes, you are indeed a lech."
"You know, I really don't appreciate being called that," Kazuma snapped. "Would you like it if I started calling you a bitch?"
"If it would get you to agree to venture forth once more, I would happily let you call me whatever you wish," Von Galen said bluntly. "We have been under assault for some weeks now. Already, the kingdoms to our east have been conquered. The Kaizer himself is martialing his forces and has called me to fulfill my oaths. I would have you go in my stead. Were I and my retainers to leave, my lands would be undefended. Yet my house is poor, and I have lost two men already this month to the deadly new monsters that have begun appearing. And I am with child."
Kazuma folded his arms over his chest and sat cross legged on his mattress. "If you're trying to make me pity you, it's not going to work. You owe me for killing the Duke of Terror. He was a major bigshot in the Lord of the Tombs forces! I think I've earned a little R and R."
"True. And I would be a fool to simply turn out a mage as skillful as you are. Lady Dustiness tells me you have mastered dozens of spells. Is this true?"
"Not to brag, but I basically have every Adventurer Skill in the book. Dozens is an understatement. I have over 100 skills," Kazuma declared. That was actually a bit of a lie, but not a huge one. It sort of depended on how you counted sub skills, like Basic Magic, which included Create Water and Earth, Kindle, and Gust. Still, Kazuma was pretty confident in his skill set.
"Then you are an Archmagnus of unparalleled skill, perhaps even a god as you claim," Von Galen said with a nod. "Even if you knew only the spells I have seen you use, you would be one of the most accomplished mages in the entire reich. To know a ten is enough to earn you the title of Magus, to master twenty Archmagus. To know a hundred… I know of only a few storied legends that are supposed to have known as many."
"Well, you've buttered me up, but you keep calling me a pervert, so I don't see why I should do anything for you," Kazuma sniffed.
"The girls. They are my payment to you," Von Galen informed Kazuma.
"What?!" Kazuma gasped, going beet red. "I'm not taking slaves! That's wrong! You can't own people!"
Von Galen shrugged. "They will not be slaves, they will be paid. They are from poor families with few prospects and no skills to speak of. I told them that if they pleased you, I would pay their families in land, and when their service to you is complete, they can return and be my house servants. Of course, if you get them with child, the bastards will be your responsibility and you will be expected to provide for the child and mother for the rest of their lives."
"You mean, I can just…?" Kazuma asked, flushing and tapping his fingers together. He was still a virgin NEET at heart, no matter what people claimed. Sure, he had nearly gone beyond the final frontier with Megumin, but they'd never quite crossed that line, even if they'd promised to do so together.
"You can use them however you like, so long as you do not harm them. Lady Dustiness says you are a lecher, but not a cruel or violent man, so I have little worry of that. All you need do is agree to go to Hauptstadt and fight for the Kaiser in my stead."
"A-a-anything?" Kazuma asked, feeling his pulse quicken and his heart pound in his chest.
"They have been instructed in the basics of pleasing a man. I believe them to both be maidens, but I cannot swear to it. But, so long as you fight, consider them to be your mistresses, or, as Lady Dustiness said, 'harem.'"
Kazuma's jaw dropped. After years of Adventuring, even a stint in the Divine Realm, he was finally growing into what his dream had always been: A harem protagonist. But at the same time…
Kazuma remembered a certain flat chested mage, with crimson eyes and an explosion fetish. He remembered holding her in the dark, the night before they'd faced the Devil King, and again, holding her broken body in his hands, weeping tears and blood as the Lord of the Tomb's spell killed him for the last time.
Was he still Kadzuma? Well, yeah, he wasn't going to change over night. But the thought of going beyond the point of no return with some peasant girls who he didn't know at all… it just wasn't appealing.
"No," Kazuma whispered, tears trickling down his face as he forced the word out.
"No? You do not like the girls? There are others. Or perhaps you prefer boys? I can find you some of those, though it will take longer, and you will likely wish for it to remain a secret."
"NO!" Kazuma yelped, jumping back away from the insane noblewoman. "I'm not yaoi bait! No, I mean, I just… look. There's a girl. I don't know if we can ever be together, we died fighting the Lord of the Tomb, and, well, there's no sex in the Divine Realm so we never really got the chance, but… but I can't just shack up with some random NPCs now. I am firmly committed to the Megumin path, and I will get the H-Scene at the end, mark my words!"
Von Galen gave Kazuma a flat look. "You speak in nonsense and riddles. Very well, maguses are strange beings, and you claim to be a god. But what is it you want then?"
"Oh, don't get me wrong, the idea of having my very own maids to attend to my every whim is what I've always dreamed of," Kazuma sighed. "Look, fine, I'll go beat the Lord of the Tomb or whatever. But I can't take the maids. I'll just go with Darkness and the other two. But I want money! Lots of money! I need to be stinking rich by the time this is done, so that I never have to work a day in my life again!"
"If you win glory on the battlefield, fear not. The Kaizer will reward you handsomely. I suppose greed is as good a motivator as any. Get dressed. We have work to do, boy." With that, Von Galen got up and left, leaving a very frustrated Kazuma alone. He briefly thought about asking for one of the maids to help him, but no, he was a NEET, and in the way of his people, he used a sock.
Feeling a bit better, Kazuma walked outside, where he was surprised to see Darkness waiting for him, dressed in her armor. She smiled. "You turned her down, didn't you?"
"What? No! I told her she had to pay me lots of money! I'm not saving the world for free, you know!" Kazuma snapped.
"You are a very strange man, Kazuma," Darkness laughed, slapping him on the shoulder hard enough to stagger him. Geeze. Frickin' amazonian menace. "But, you are a good one. I told Von Galen the thought of having a harem might appeal to you, but it would not motivate you in the end."
"Yeah, well, Megumin's probably up in the Divine Realm watching me. If I were to cross the final frontier with some nameless NPCs she'd probably Explosion my ass just to harass me on the other side, and Aqua's not around to resurrect me. Heck, she'd probably join in on the torment too, and that's just too much bother."
"Well, it is good that you are so loyal to Megumin, even if you must justify it to yourself," Darkness told him.
Kazuma eyed her. Darkness was… different, somehow. Happier, more loose. "What's up with you? Why didn't you try to sneak into my room again like you did our first night here? I mean, yeah, I'm opposed to the NPCs, but if you tried hard enough I might give in to temptation, you never know."
"I have accepted that despite the feelings I long harbored for you, you do not return them, Kazuma. Besides, truely, you are not the sort of man who can truly satisfy me. Merely a man who I developed a great deal of affection for over our time together, and showered me with abuse," Darkness told him.
Kazuma's eyes suddenly narrowed. Darkness had a black eye, and she was limping slightly as she walked. Even those cockroaches hadn't really hurt her all that much, so what in the world could actually….
"You're sleeping with Tokoyami!" Kazuma gasped, pointing an accusing finger at Darkness. "You two went the distance together!"
"W-we have done no such thing!" Darkness protested, her voice squeaking slightly. "I just, well, he needed practice subduing Dark Shadow, and well, I assisted him, and…"
"And you got off on it," Kazuma sighed. "At least tell me you had the courtesy to give him a hand yourself when you were done."
"I-I will not talk of such shameful things!" Darkness protested. "It would be most embarrassing, and cruel!"
And then she stood there expectantly, face flushed, hands balled up in fists that were quivering with anticipation on her breasts.
"Oh, great. So, he gave you a pearl necklace or what?" Kazuma demanded.
Darkness blinked, relaxing slightly. "What? No, we did not exchange jewelry."
So, Kazuma had to explain, which of course, embarrassed Darkness, which meant she really enjoyed it. It turned out she and Tokoyami hadn't gone quite that far, but apparently they both had rather enjoyed themselves.
"And after we were done, he was so gentle and tender! I told him to knock that right off! He needed to verbally abuse me, and tell me how terrible I was!" Darkness explained. "But he is learning, and I just know he can become the sort of terrible man I want to marry."
"I so, so didn't need to hear that."
Kazuma and Darkness turned to see a disgusted Uraraka looking at them. She'd shed her tracksuit, now dressed in mail and leathers with an oilskin cloak, sturdy boots, and tough plate gauntlets that would let her use her special skill but also protect her arms in battle. She actually sort of looked like a competent Adventurer now.
"Oh, you have heard my shame, this is so embarrassing," Darkness moaned, panting heavily.
"Yeah, let's just change the subject. So, I hear you agreed to come, Kazuma?" Uraraka demanded.
"Yeah, fine, I'll help you idiots save the world. Again," Kazuma said, rolling his eyes. "You'd all end up dead without me and Darkness would bother me about that for the rest of eternity once we get back to the Divine Realm."
"That's great! Von Galen said we can get SUPER rich if we beat the Lord of the Tomb! She already gave me 50 gold pieces, that's enough to buy a farm you know! And a good one, not a crappy one! Hey, can I take my money back with me when I go home?" Uraraka asked.
"I don't see why not, Aqua said I would get a wish when I beat the Devil King," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Oh, what did you wish for?" Uraraka asked, eyeing Kazuma sideways. "It wasn't something perverted, was it?"
"Sheesh, get your mind out of the gutter, Uraraka! No, I never got my wish, I told Aqua to save it until after I beat the Lord of the Tomb, because, um, well, it was supposed to be to go home, and…" Kazuma trailed off, feeling embarrassed yet again.
"And you did not want to leave Megumin," Darkness finished.
"No!" Kazuma protested, his cheeks heating despite his best efforts. "Not just that! I mean, it was all my friends. Back in Japan, well, I was a NEET. I didn't have any friends. Even being stuck in the Divine Realm, that was alright. At least I had you girls, even if I didn't manage to unlock Megumin's H-scene."
"I am stuck with a bunch of perverts," Uraraka groaned, shaking her head in disgust. "Ugh. At least you're all decent in a fight. Sheesh."
"Surely you do not lump me in with Kazuma," Tokoyami said, revealing himself from behind a corner at the end of the hall, his new cloak billowing dramatically as Dark Shadow fluttered it.
"I don't know," Uraraka said sweetly. "Were those your moans, or Darkness' last night?"
"That wasn't, that is, we were-she was helping me master Dark Shadow!" Tokoyami sputtered.
"Both," Dark Shadow squawked. "She's weird, and he's into it."
Tokoyami glared at his shadow, who smirked at him. "Damnable demon."
"I think he's wonderful," Darkness said, scratching Dark Shadow under the chin, then kissing him on the cheek. "A complete monster!"
"That's right toots!" Dark Shadow agreed. "Two, for the price of one!"
"Erm, shouldn't we be making ready to depart?" Tokoyami asked. If birds could blush, he would be doing it.
"I'm ready to go," Kazuma said with a shrug.
Uraraka frowned at him. "What about food? Water?"
Kazuma held up his hand. "Create Water!"
"Pfff! Ack!" Uraraka gasped as the stream of pure, fresh drinking water splashed in her face.
"Summon Rations!" Kazuma said, rice balls appeared in his hands. He handed a pair to Darkness, munching on one himself. "Pretty sure I'm good."
"That…" Uraraka said, wiping her face off. "Is the most amazing thing ever! You wouldn't ever have to buy food or drinks! Is there a limit? What about other kinds of food?! Vitamins?"
Kazuma shrugged, taking another bite and speaking around a mouthful of food. "Relax. Yes, there's a limit, but it's just my MP, and this is a pretty basic spell so it's cheap. The only downside is the food I make is pretty bland, but I have some furikake and stuff in my pack so we can stretch it."
"It is most useful on long dungeon trips, and it's always fresh," Darkness agreed. "I do not mind the lack of variety as long as it is not for extended periods."
"Variety? Who cares! We're going to save so much money doing this!" Uraraka said eagerly, her eyes dancing with delight. "I thought we'd have to pay for all kinds of supplies, but we can just get some vitamins and protein and we'll be set for life! Can you teach me that spell?!"
"Um, maybe?" Kazuma said, scratching his head. "Do you have any skill points? It costs three for an adventurer, two if you're some sort of priest or cleric."
"Look, Kazuma, we've been over this," Tokoyami sighed. "The rules from whatever world you're from are different then either the one Uraraka and I came from or the one we find ourselves in now. I grant that there must have been levels, skill points, and experience in your prior life, but here, there are not."
"Yeah, listen up, dumbass," Dark Shadow agreed.
Uraraka looked deeply disappointed but Kazuma shrugged and smiled. "Hey, don't sweat it, I'll create food for the whole party, and who knows, maybe there is a spell in this world that can create food and water!"
"I would tell you such magic is utterly impossible, had I not just witnessed it," Von Galen said, waddling up to the party. They were standing at the entrance to her manor, and she looked them up and down, then shook her head. "I am no mage, but I have employed and worked alongside them. You cannot create physical matter with magic. You can manipulate it, you can change it, you can draw energy from yourself or your surroundings, but to create it? That is the province of gods. Perhaps there is more credence to your claim than I had thought, Kazuma."
"I friggin' told you," Kazuma muttered. Then he straightened. "Look, I'm going to save the world, not to make you happy or something, but because dammit, I'm getting my happy ending, and if defeating another stupid villain is the only way back to the divine realm, then I'm doing it!"
"I care not for your reasons, only that you do it. I have horses prepared for you. They are not much in the way of mounts, but they are more than the village can spare, so be grateful for them. It is vital you reach the Kaiser and aid in the defense."
"Thank you very much," Uraraka said, stepping forward and bowing politely. "We will not fail you, Baroness."
"I shall pray to Psyche Dio for your success," Galen said gravely. "Go, and may your roads be free of troubles."
Out of the party, only Darkness had any experience with horses, happily selecting her mount, a large plow horse, and swinging into the saddle, armor and all. Kazuma managed to mount without too much trouble, while Uraraka simply floated herself in. Tokoyami, on the other hand, regarded the horse just as skeptically as it did him and Dark Shadow, wickering nervously and shying away from him.
"I do not trust this foul beast. My own two legs are good enough for the journey," he declared.
"Yeah! It stinks!" Dark Shadow agreed.
"Oh, it is not so bad! And that is a mare, she looks gentle," Darkness encouraged. "Here, let me show you." She slid off, first soothing the horse, then helping Tokoyami into the saddle. There she gave him a brief description on how to handle the horse, from how to give commands to how to sit properly.
"So, have you ridden a horse before Kazuma? I did on a class trip and at the fair, but it was a long time ago," Uraraka said, gently rubbing her horse's mane.
"Nope, but I'm an expert so I'm not worried," Kazuma told her.
"What? How can you be an expert if you've never ridden a horse before?"
"Hiya!" Kazuma barked, and tugged on the reins. His horse, a feisty gelding, reared up, then dashed around the yard, Kazuma easily guiding it. They jumped a fence, then back over, and Kazuma reigned the horse in next to Uraraka, grinning widely. "Riding skill."
"Of course, I should have known," Uraraka said, rolling her eyes. "Well, I'm excited. I always wanted to go on a big adventure and fight bad guys! My dad and I used to play DnD with his friends! It's pretty cheap, all you need is a book, pencils, paper, and your imagination!"
"What, are you an otaku or something?" Kazuma taunted.
"Well, if I am, it's coming in handy now, isn't it?" Uraraka said, sticking her tongue out at him.
Darkness led the way down the road, following a map from Von Galen. It was over a week's travel to Hauptstadt and the Kaiser's palace. Supposedly there would be monsters along the way, but there would also be towns and villages so they wouldn't have to rough it. Kazuma glanced up at the sun, then over at Uraraka and Tokoyami, who were talking about their lives back in the strange Japan they came from. He clicked his tongue so his mount drew up alongside Darknesses.
"Remember our first Adventure together?" Kazuma asked.
"Do you mean when you stole my goddess' panties, or perhaps when we faced the cabbages?" Darkness teased.
"Not that! I mean, when we went on a REAL adventure! Like when we went hunting those goblins, and ran into that Beginners Bane."
"Ah, I remember having to protect you and the others, while you fled in terror," Darkness giggled, smiling as she relaxed in her saddle, letting her horse find its way down the dirt road.
"That's not what happened at all! It was only with my quick thinking that any of us survived!" Kazuma argued.
"Well, you were just a low level Adventurer then, with only that dinky short sword. It would have made short work of you. Poor Aqua was crying, and Megumin had used her Explosion on the goblins and was exhausted, and you were screaming in panic…"
"No! I used my skills, and I heroically fought it off! YOU were the useless one!"
And so it went as the party ventured forth, Kazuma and Darkness arguing over old memories. Somehow, it wasn't so bad, being alive again.
Author's Note
Big thanks to The Evil Within who has been really helpful in beta'ing and editing this story, making some pretty significant contributions to fleshing out interactions and setting scenes.
Chapter 7: Werewolf? There wolf![img: . ]
Beta'd by The Evil Within
Chapter 7: Werewolf? There wolf!
Sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science!
-Mei Hatsume, Girl Genius
Hatsume finished adjusting the straps, and stepped back, grinning widely at Izuku. "There you go! How's my super cute baby fit?"
Izuku flexed his arms, but found he could move fairly easily despite being encased in armor plate. He jumped up and down a few times and did some stretches. "It's great, Hatsume! It fits like a glove, and it's really light!"
"That's because that's an ultra-cool aluminum and steel alloy invented by me!" Hatsume bragged. "It's stronger than traditional steel, and lighter too! You just have to thank my super cute babies for creating it!"
"Excuse me?!" Aqua snapped, glaring at Hatsume. "I was the one who blessed the metal and the water you used to quench it to keep those crystal whatever's from making it break!"
Before the two could descend into a cat fight, Izuku bowed to them both. "Thank you so much, both of you for your hard work, Hatsume, Aqua. It's really remarkable what you've managed to do in such a short time."
That seemed to satisfy them both, and Aqua skipped off, heading for the construction of the new shrine that she was "supervising." News had already spread to nearby towns and villages over the past couple of weeks, and large numbers of pilgrims were coming to receive the blessings of the new goddess, especially the healing. Already, Father Henri had a dozen new acolytes of the Axis Cult, and plans for the new shrine were going to turn this tiny village into a major tourist attraction for religious zealots.
Mei had spent her time with Martel, creating a seemingly endless stream of marvelous inventions. She'd moved from the blacksmith's shop to the watermill, which instead of grinding grain, now produced mechanical power for Hatsume to work with. Her steam engine was up and running as well, producing a limited amount of electricity which she was using to fashion aluminum. Already, merchants were clamoring for the wonderous metal, which could be used for a variety of weapons, armor, and other more mundane uses.
As for Megumin, well… Izuku winced as he heard another echoing boom. The Crimson Demon Cult was rapidly gaining new members, despite its bizarre religious practices. Mostly because it was extremely hard to argue with results. Megumin was basking in the glory of being the undisputed strongest magic user in the world and coming up with increasingly bizarre rituals. Her followers were not nearly as numerous as Aqua's, but their strange habits had drawn the attention of a number of eccentrics, and her ability to grant her clergy tremendously destructive power was a marked advantage in a world constantly having to defend itself from dangerous monsters.
As for Izuku, he had spent his time training with Anton, learning how to use a sword, shield, and even bow. He'd also worked hard on continuing to master One For All, though progress there was as slow as it had ever been. Thankfully, Aqua was always willing to heal Izuku if he injured himself, which had him pushing his limits further than ever before.
"An impressive suit," Count Blois said, striding up in his own less brilliant armor. It was well cared for, but had plenty of places where it had been mended and patched by Martel over the years. "Truely, lady Hatsume's creations are wondrous."
"They are super cute, but my cutest ones are just for Midoriya!" Hatsume said, grinning widely.
"Of course, as is only befitting," Blois agreed. But then he grew serious. "Lord Midoriya, I have need to ask for your aid in the field. There have been sightings of fearsome beasts, and travelers have been found slaughtered, even those well armed. In fact, Marquess Renard lost ten men hunting it, including two knights and a Guilded Mage. Sadly, his daughter and heir were among the dead. He himself was grievously wounded, only just now saved from death by Lady Aqua."
Izuku swallowed, but nodded. "Right. That's what I'm here for."
"And me!" Hatsume said eagerly. "I want to test out my Explosion again!"
"Are you sure? You were in the Support Course," Izuku said warily.
"Of course! Now I have a super cute quirk that I want to field test, and vicious monsters are the perfect way to do it! Plus, you'll be there, so I'll be safe!" Hatsume declared.
That made Izuku blush, but he nodded. "Of course. I mean, you came here to help defeat the Lord of the Tomb too, right?"
"Yes, exactly! Now let me get changed," Hatsume said, and pulled off her leather apron. She was, of course, only wearing her bra under it. Blois and Izuku both turned away in embarrassment, walking a short distance away.
"Um, what sort of monster is it?" Izuku asked.
"Lord Renard and his men described a great pack of wolves, larger and more fearsome than what has been seen in this part for some time. From their description, I believe them to be direwolves, but there is something else. A woman was seen running with them. She may be a lycanthrope, or even werewolf. It was she who slaughtered Reynard's Guilded Mage and his heir."
Blois hesitated, then lowered his voice. "She also appears to be a mage of some sort, perhaps even a priestess of a dark god. Survivors report she healed several of those wounded by her wolves, only to brutally slaughter them when they tried to rise."
"That sounds really dangerous," Izuku admitted, glancing back at Hatsume despite himself. Thankfully, she'd already pulled on a shirt, but Izuku knew he would never forgive himself if she were injured. Then again, she did know a powerful magic spell, and he would likely need the back up. "I'll talk to Aqua and Megumin. We'll need their help."
"A werewolf? Please, that is hardly a fitting challenge for my talents," Megumin told Izuku when he approached her. She had set up shop in a cave a short distance from the village, though it was really more of a rocky outcropping. It had various kitschy decorations, from animal skulls and what was supposedly a grimoire of dark magic, to a black banner with glowing red eyes on it that Aqua had painted.
"She's supposed to know magic. You're the strongest mage here, and I don't know much about magic myself. She's already killed a Guilded Mage, and Blois says those are stronger than Freemages like Marie," Izuku told her.
"Hmph." Megumin glanced at her followers, who were gazing at her expectantly. "Is it just this werewolf? I can dispatch a couple of my acolytes, they know enough explosion magic. A simple foe like that would hardly be worth the effort!"
"She also has a whole pack of direwolves with her, I'm worried that if it's one-"
"A whole pack?! Why didn't you say so! Direwolves are worth loads of XP! I'll take them out in one blow!" Megumin declared excitedly.
"Mistress, may we accompany you on this glorious quest?" a boy about Izuku's age asked eagerly.
Megumin hesitated, and for the first time Izuku saw true concern in her eyes. She quickly reverted to her normal manic self, but her words were sensible. "No, this is a trial your mistress must undergo alone! You must stay here, and protect the village! Fear not, for I shall return!"
Next up was Aqua, who was giving an impassioned sermon to her followers while work on her shrine went on in the background.
"-and so, remember, if you fail, it's not really our own fault. Blame society! They're the ones who set you up!" Aqua told her followers.
"Lady Aqua, please, heal my son, his arm was crushed by an ox, and he's been crippled for years!" a man begged, leading forward a teen boy with a twisted arm.
Aqua raised her hands to the sky. "I shall need the prayers of my devoted followers to perform such a miracle! Recite the sacred words!"
"The Axis Church can get things done. And because you can get things done, even if it doesn't go well, it's not your fault!" the faithful cried.
"Amen!" Aqua declared. "Be healed, in my name!"
With a simple touch, the boy's arm was mended, and he and his father knelt at Aqua's feet, weeping in delight and joy.
"There, there," Aqua cooed. "Set aside your heresy, and be united in the love that is I, Aqua."
"Lady Aqua," Izuku called, stepping forward and making his way through the crowd.
The pilgrims gasped and quicky made way, but their whispers made Izuku blush.
"Lord Midoriya!"
"The Champion of the Goddess!"
"A divine hero in our time of need!"
Swallowing, Izuku forced his voice to be steady. "Lady Aqua, a vile werewolf threatens your flock. Please, will you aid us in destroying it?"
"What? A werewolf? Pfff, those aren't dangerous!" Aqua laughed.
"Please, the people are in need of your guidance. Surely such a, um, beautiful, and, er, talented, and intelligent, goddess like yourself can lead us to victory?"
That made Aqua give Izuku a smug look. "Oh, so you need my leadership, do you?" She tossed her hair over her shoulder, smiling confidently. "Well, since I AM the goddess of healing and water, I shall protect my loyal followers. Though it is neither demon nor undead, I bring the righteous judgement of the goddess upon it!"
That made Izuku sigh in relief. "Well, come on then, Count Blois is getting ready to leave soon. He needs our, I mean, your, guidance."
"Wait, is Megumin coming too? She better not steal my kills this time!" Aqua said as they moved away from her worshipers, who continued to cheer and wave even as they went out of sight.
"Um, well, I'll try and save the best one for you?" Izuku managed. "I really do need your healing and help, Aqua, I can control One For All a lot better with your blessing…"
"Fine, fine, since I'm so utterly amazing and you're helpless without me, I suppose I'll come after all," Aqua agreed. "But no horses this time! I'm not riding on one of those nasty creatures!"
Thankfully, Count Blois seemed to have thought ahead, and had a cart ready for Aqua to ride in. Hatsume rode in the cart as well, though Megumin insisted on riding a horse, even after it bucked her off when she tried to get it to rear so she could pose dramatically.
Izuku rode on a horse himself, having been shown the basics by Anton. He'd need to dismount to fight, but even his stamina wasn't endless. He ended up staying beside the cart, as Hatsume eagerly went over some of her ideas and showed off a few of the devices she'd created. One of them was a lever-operated spring-loaded crossbow, which rather interested Count Blois.
"See, this super cute baby can fire off 20 rounds in seconds! Maybe more if you're super fast and strong like Midoriya!" Hatsume declared. "Here, stop the cart, let me show you!"
Not even bothering to wait for that to happen, Hatsume lept off, slapping a rack full of bolts onto her crossbow and raising it to her shoulder. "Behold my super cute baby!"
The crossbow did indeed fire off a stream of bolts, which clattered off a nearby rock or sunk into the ground. One did manage to impact and lodge itself into a small tree trunk as Hatsume cackled delightedly.
"Remarkable," Blois murmured, dismounting and going to retrieve the bolts. "It does not have the range of a bow, or the power of a traditional crossbow, but to fire off so many shots so quickly, even the most proficient of archers can fire only half as many with a wooden bow."
"Well, if I practice more, I think I'll get more accurate, and with a few improvements I can increase the rate and the stopping power!" Hatsume said, hoisting the weapon aloft. "With this, I'll kill all the wolves myself!"
"Not likely," Blois said, shaking his head. He took out a vial and held it out to Hatsume. "This is a distillation of silver. Coat the bolts in this, and it will injure the werewolf. Otherwise, it will merely recover from the wound you inflict as quickly as you make them."
"Werewolves are allergic to silver nitrate?" Hatsume asked, uncorking the vial and sniffing it.
"It prevents their regenerative abilities, if that is what you mean, my lady. Come, we have far to travel yet," Count Blois said.
They camped that night on a hill beside the road that had a low stone wall built around its crest, apparently being a popular spot for travelers to bivouac. Izuku set up a tent with Anton's help; they had not brought any servants with them, this being a dangerous mission, and the nobles and knights were used to caring for themselves in the field. Count Blois ended up being a decent cook, and made a hearty stew for them all to share.
"This reminds me of our last Adventuring party," Megumin said, gazing into her bowl of stew. "With Kazuma, and Darkness. I miss them. What about you, Aqua?"
"Meh, who needs that low level pervert. And Darkness still belongs to the Eris sect, can you even believe it?! We'll be just fine without them," Aqua said dismissively.
Megumin frowned. "Kazuma was very useful on Adventurers. Though he was low level, he had a great many skills. And Darkness was a great Crusader! She selflessly shielded us from all manner of foes!"
"Yeah, I guess," Aqua said with a shrug. Then she grinned at Izuku. "Hey Midoriya, want to see a party trick?"
"Um, no thanks, I need to read up on werewolves on their weaknesses and habits," Izuku said, looking up from a book he'd borrowed from Count Blois. He was studying werewolf anatomy, and the best places to attack them by the light of the campfire.
"What about you, Hatsume? Watch, Nature's Beauty!"
"A most impressive display!" Anton gasped, clapping excitedly along with his father and the knights.
Hatsume frowned, not looking up from her work on her crossbow. "That is dumb. You are just using your magic. I am busy modifying my baby."
Izuku looked up at Aqua, who appeared crushed that her two new companions were uninterested in her tricks, despite the awe of the locals.
"I like your party tricks, Aqua," Megumin said, smiling at the blue haired goddess. "Can you show me the one with the tea cup? It was always my favorite."
"Sure. Maybe you can practice some of your incantations later, I always liked those," Aqua told Megumin, setting up her party trick on a wooden board.
"You know I don't need incantations any more, Aqua," Megumin said.
"Yeah, but I like them. They were always fun," Aqua sighed.
Megumin nodded, sniffing and hugging her legs. "I miss Chomusuke…"
"She… she was a good cat," Aqua agreed, wiping at tears herself. She quickly reverted back to her happy self, showing off her floating cup trick to the applause of her audience.
"It's just dumb magic," Hatsume muttered as she tapped at her contraption. "It's not even a proper trick. I could do that with magnets or some string."
Izuku glanced over at Hatsume, who had moved much closer to him. Admittedly, she was also edging towards the fire and light, but she was also now nearly sitting on top of him. Part of him was nervous and embarrassed, but the other part, well, he was glad to have some company from home, even if it came in an odd package.
"Yeah. That crossbow is really cool though. It'll be really helpful against the wolves."
"Yes, I will have to test to see if they are really allergic to silver. But for this, I am going to have to put in a brace, to help with the recoil, that way…"
When it was time for bed, Izuku drew lots with everyone else for night watch duties, getting the first watch with Megumin. He yawned, sitting in the dark on the fence, looking up at the bright moon overhead. He wondered if werewolves here reacted to the full moon. Either way, this was a waning gibbous, and that was past.
"Hey," Megumin said, coming over to sit by him. "Can you see in the dark?"
"Um, no," Izuku admitted, glancing over at the mage. Her eyes seemed to glow in the dim light, giving off a faint red gleam.
"Crimson Demons can," Megumin said. "It is one of the many ways we are superior to normal humans."
"Well, I mean, isn't that just like a quirk?" Izuku asked, frowning. "Hatsume can see in the dark too, and she's human. You look human to me, too. Um, no offense."
"I don't mind," Megumin said with a shrug. She looked out at the road below them, frowning. "What is your Japan like?"
That made Izuku blink. "Um, I mean, it's… different? There's not really any magic, we use technology for the most part, like what Hatsume makes, only… more?"
"You have video games, and computers, I know about that," Megumin sighed. "I mean… what is it like? The people. What about quirks?"
"Well, I mean, quirks are kinda like magic, I guess," Izuku said, rubbing the back of his head. "Society's changed a lot because of them. They weren't always around, they emerged at the end of the 21st century in the Before Times. But… well, we're still people. There's heroes and villains, but most people want to live normal lives. With families, and friends, and enjoy themselves."
Megumin looked down, kicking her dangling legs against the fence. She was shorter than anyone else in their party, though her giant hat and overbearing personality tended to disguise that fact. Here, in the dark, she looked like just another kid Izuku's age, dressed up in a costume that didn't quite fit her. "I never wanted that. I wanted to be the most powerful mage in my village. Because then, I'd always have enough to eat, and I wouldn't have to hear my sister cry at night because she was hungry."
"Oh." Izuku looked out at the horizon, scanning it for movement, but aside from movement of grass and leaves on the breeze, he saw nothing. "I… I was born quirkless. That's strange, where I'm from. People… people sort of, well, they treated me differently. But, I still wanted to be a hero. I always thought that was impossible, until…"
"Aqua?" Megumin asked, looking over at Izuku. "We've done that a lot. Made ordinary kids into heroes. It made me feel good to do that."
Izuku shook his head and smiled faintly. "Um, no, actually. All Might. He gave me a quirk. A really strong one. He is, well, I guess was, the greatest hero back in Japan. I wanted to be like him so much… I have to get back. To show him that he wasn't wrong to put his faith in me."
"Really? Huh. Your world sounds really different from Kazuma's," Megumin observed. "There was no magic, or quirks, according to him. The games were fun though. I thought I could stay there with him, forever, but… I don't know. When Hatsume told me how excited she was about her babies and what they had done, I just… I remembered. My passion for Explosion magic. What it meant to actually want something in life again."
Izuku studied the strange, overly dramatic girl for a long moment. "Are you really a goddess?"
Megumin smiled at Izuku, her teeth shining white in the darkness. "Of course! I am the greatest of the Crimson Demon Clan! I shall spread my love of explosion magic across the-"
In the distance, a howl echoed. Then another.
Megumin stood up, stretching on her tiptoes and frowning. "I can't see them, but they're out there for sure."
"Hatsume!" Izuku called, running back to the tents. He found her snoring in his own tent, her crossbow clutched in her arms. "Hatsume! I think the wolves are out there!"
"What? Huh? Ah! Field testing time!" Hatsume cackled. She quickly put on her goggles and scrambled out of her tent as around Izuku the rest of the camp was waking up.
"Za? Wazzat?" Aqua mumbled, rubbing at her eyes. "'M sleepy. Go away."
"Wolves," Izuku said. "Hatsume's going to look for them."
That got Aqua to groan and crawl out of her tent, summoning her staff and cracking her knuckles.
"We'll be ready," Count Blois said, throwing wood on the embers of the fire. "Say the word, Lord Midoriya."
Izuku didn't have time to correct him, taking Hatsume over to where Megumin was standing, her staff held out before her.
"There," Megumin said, pointing out towards the distance. "I can see movement, but I don't know what-"
"Wolves! And a girl dressed in funny clothes," Hatsume said, pointing. "They're about two kilometers away, but they're coming in this direction. Moving fast too. Here, Midoriya, you look."
Hastume took off her goggles and passed them to Izuku, who quickly put them on. The night took on a light grey cast. But when he looked where Hatsume pointed, he saw over a dozen white blurs moving towards him, and sure enough, one stood out, looking like a woman running amidst the wolf pack.
"That's them!" Izuku cried, passing the goggles back to Hatsume. "Blois! Get ready! They're coming for us. They'll be here in minutes!"
"Make ready," Blois bellowed, and soon the knights had flaming brands in one hand, swords in the other. They had already anointed their weapons with silver nitrate, as had Izuku.
He had his own torch and sword, which he held in quavering hands.
"Ugh, it's way too dark out," Aqua complained. She raised one hand. "Holy Light!"
A star seemed to shoot up out of her hand, rising into the sky and bathing the forest in stark white light. Shadows stretched away from it, but now even without the goggles Izuku could see the glowing eyes of the wolves running towards them.
"Hmph, they're close enough for me now!" Megumin cackled, and her staff began to glow. "Flames of my soul awaken! Come forth, hidden power locked within me! Manifest thine self in crimson glory! I call thee forth, from the abyss! EXPLOSION!"
A ray of burning scarlet shot forth from Megumin's staff into the oncoming wolves, and suddenly a second sun seemed to rise, Izuku grunted and braced himself as the shockwave impacted him. Megumin herself collapsed atop the wall, slumping to her knees with a look of sudden ecstasy on her face.
"Oh come on!" Aqua complained, going over to help her friend up. "You stole all the kills! Again! How am I supposed to ever catch up to you in levels now!"
"Actually, I didn't get any experience from that," Megumin sighed. "I didn't get any from the undead before either. Maybe there really is no leveling here. That sucks."
"Hey, who's that?" Hatsume asked, pointing up in the sky.
Izuku looked up, frowning. "Who's what?"
"That woman, standing there, in the smoke," Hatsume said. "Right there! Can't you see her?"
Izuku blinked, but he saw nothing amidst the swirling smoke and ash. Wait a second, there. It was like an empty space, where no smoke or dust went.
"Aqua, bless me!" Izuku barked.
"What? Why? Battle's over. Little Miss Kill Steal already-"
"Just do it!" Izuku ordered, gritting his teeth.
"Ugh, fine. Blessing!"
The spell washed over Izuku, and he immediately felt One For All course through his body. He focused the power in his legs, then jumped skyward, shattering the ground beneath his feet. He soared towards the empty space, praying he was wrong. "SMASH!"
Izuku swung his sword with all his might, which to his shock made it snap in half, the blade flying through the air. However, it stopped suddenly, impaling itself in the empty space. There was a gasp of surprise, and a woman, dressed in a black gown appeared. She and Izuku tumbled through the air, the woman crashing to the ground just outside their campside, while Izuku barely managed to land a few meters away, on his feet.
"Well well well," a chipper female voice giggled. "Looks like we've got ourselves a strong one. Quite the impressive move there. But how did you see through my invisibility? Is that your world class item? No, no it must be that girls. Never mind."
Something darted at Izuku, and he managed to raise his hands in time to block the blow, which sent him sliding back.
By the light of Aqua's star, Izuku saw a dark skinned red headed woman dressed in a black dress and bearing an ornate staff, a maniacal grin on her lips.
"Who are you?" Izuku demanded. "Why did you slaughter those people?"
"Who am I?" the woman asked, grinning at Izuku. "Well, I'm supposed to stay hidden, so for now, just call me the Wolf Queen. I'm upset you killed all my little pets, but it did confirm what I needed to know. Aqua and her little band of trouble makers ARE here. Let me guess, Kazuma Sato? Hmm, no, the hair's all wrong. You must just be a random Adventurer from another world; no one around here has green hair. That girl too, unless I miss my guess."
The woman suddenly gasped in pain, then jumped away from Izuku as a spray of crossbow bolts peppered the ground around them.
"Midoriya!" Hatsume cried. "Don't you dare hurt him!"
"You bitch," the Wolf Queen growled, a bolt sticking out of her left side. "That was silver!"
"Ah ha! You are allergic to silver! Quick, Midoriya, get her while-"
The wolf queen snarled and charged forward. Blois and Anton moved to intercept her, but they were effortlessly batted aside with a single swat from her staff. Armor crunched, as did flesh and bone, and the two nobles went down in a crumpled pile. Anton's chest looked caved in, while half of Blois' head was simply gone. Hatsume gasped and took a step back, shocked at the sudden deaths, barely raising one hand to shield herself.
Cackling, the wolf queen raised her staff again. "No time to play, I'll just have to-
"SMASH!"
Hatsume was blown back, landing in a heap amidst the tents, while Izuku's fist sent the Wolf Queen flying. She bowled through the fire, slamming into the stone wall beyond it and coming to a stop.
"Die, monster!" Sir Jacques cried as he and Sir Lenor raised swords and charged the Wolf Queen.
"Greater Heal! Flame Strike!"
The two knights didn't even have time to scream as a pillar of fire enveloped them both. Their charred bodies and scorched armor fell in an ashen heap at the Wolf Queen's feet as she stood, panting. Her human form was gone, replaced by a sable colored wolf that stood on two feet. Great claws hang from its paw like hands, and its muzzle was filled with wickedly curved teeth.
"Damnable wretches! Look what you made me do! They didn't even suffer much before they died!" the Wolf Queen panted, licking blood from her arm with her long red tongue.
"You bitch!" Out of the smoke and flames strode Aqua, her eyes glowing with a deep blue color. "Those were MY followers! How DARE you!"
"Well, you're technically correct," the Wolf Queen barked, slowly backing away. "At last, we've found you, Aqua. It took a hundred worlds and a billion corpses, but at last you slink out of the shadows. My lord has spent a very long time looking for you. He will be pleased to know you are here."
"I don't care who you are, I'm going to kill you!" Aqua snarled. "Sacred Exorcism!"
A shining star burst forth around the wolf queen, who simply howled with laughter. "Truly, you are a fool! I know not why my lord fears you so. I am no demon! Farewell, Aqua. When we meet again, I shall-"
"C6 H2 (NO2 )3 CH3 to 6CO and 2.5H2 plus 1.5N2 plus C! EXPLOSION!"
Aqua was sent flying through the air as yet another detonation burst behind the Wolf Queen. The monster yowled in pain, standing on shaky legs.
Hatsume collapsed, but her surprise attack had done the trick. The werewolf was staggered, and now missing an arm, as Izuku leapt back into the fight. His fistspounding at the monster, bruising muscle and crunching bones as fast as they reknit. She snarled and snapped back, but though her claws made deep gouges in Izuku's plate, Hatsume's alloy did its job protecting him from more than surface level wounds.
"I'll kill you! I'll kill you all! Kill you all myself! Greater h-"
Izuku interrupted the spell chant with a punch straight to the werewolf's muzzle, sending bits of tooth and blood splattered across his face, but he didn't let up. "You killed my friends! You killed people simply for coming across you! You threatened Hatsume! It's over! ONE FOR ALL! 1000%! SMASH!"
Izuku's fist bore through the beast's rib cage, and out the other side, gore flying everywhere. The Wolf Queen looked at him, shocked for a moment, before her eyes glazed over. Not even a werewolf's healing factor could recover from having their entire upper torso pulped and shot through their ribs.
Izuku stepped back, feeling sick at the sheer level of damage he had just caused to another living being, as the former wolf queen slumped to the ground, blood pooling into thick mud around her. Izuku staggered to the side, clutching his stomach, and dropped to his knees, vomiting.
"M-m-midoriya?"
He looked, up, horrified, to see Hatsume dragging herself over to him. "D-dont, don't die, you can't-"
"I'm… I'm okay.," Izuku said hoarsely, stumbling over to cradle Hatsume in his arms, uncaring of the blood both his own or otherwise splattering his form. "A-are You?"
"F-fine. S-sorry, I-I was so slow," Hatsume whispered. "I couldn't… they're dead… I… oh no," Hatsume started to cry, as Izuku picked her up, wrapping her in a tight embrace, his own tears falling on to her shoulder.
"Hey, you OK?"
Izuku blinked away tears, looking up at Aqua's concerned face. "F-fine. I just… I never killed anyone before… And… and they're all dead…"
"Who's dead?" Aqua asked, confused. "What, her? Yeah, she's supposed to be. Don't worry about it, I never liked her anyway. You did good!"
Izuku gritted his teeth. Damn this idiotic, worthless goddess! "No, I mean-"
"My head," Blois groaned, stumbling over to Izuku. "Young lord, are you well?"
Izuku blinked. Hadn't he seen the man's skull shattered?
"There don't appear to be any more of them, my lord," Sir Jaquess said, gingerly nudging the wolf queen's corpse with his boot toe. "What in the name of all the gods did that to her?"
"That was an excellent use of Explosion magic!" Megumin cried as Sir Lenor brought her over, setting the excited proto-goddess down next to Izuku and Hatsume. "I knew you would make an excellent high priestess! We have got to work on your chant though, that one was just weird letters and numbers. You can do better!"
"But… but you were all dead," Izuku whispered, looking around wide eyed and with more than a little hysteria. Anton seemed to be salvaging something from the wreckage of the tents. The only sign of his former injuries was his ruined breast plate, which he'd now taken off and set aside.
"Oh, that? Please," Aqua giggled. "Raising a few dead people is easy for a goddess like me! Don't worry though, I won't raise her. Pffft. Queen of the wolves. More like, queen of the gaping chest wound, right?!"
"You mean, you're all OK?" Hatsume croaked as Izuku held her upright.
"Yes, thanks to this goddess we are. And you, Lady Hatsume, Lord Midoriya," Blois said, bowing his head to them. "Without you, we would have been slaughtered where we stood. Damn me, but we were slaughtered! Thank you, Lady Aqua, thank you!"
"Yeah, I still didn't get any XP," Aqua grumbled. She eyed Izuku. "Did you? She had to be at least a captain of the Lord of the Tombs forces, maybe even a general! She'd be worth loads of experience!"
Izuku could only laugh. It was a bright, horribly broken and relieved Goddess might be crazy, but Izuku couldn't think of a single reason why just then.
Author's Note
No points for figuring out who the Wolf Queen is, but extra points if you can figure why the Lord of the Tomb became the multiverse's most dedicated atheist.
Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2020
Chapter 8: Skillz to pay the Billz[img: . ]
This document beta'd and edited by The Evil Within
Chapter 8: Skillz to Pay the Billz
I will do this ONE thing that you ask of me, quest giver. Pray I find more menial tasks to accomplish or you will be hearing from me again and I assure you that my commentary on forums of public opinion will be most unkind.
-Johnny Awesome, World of Warcraft
"Seriously? Why couldn't we just stay at the inn! I know you have enough money for it!" Kazuma complained as they yet again set up their campsite just outside a town.
"Inns cost money. And you'd want to buy dinner, and then you'd start drinking, AND oggle the serving maids. We just don't have the funds for all of that in our budget!" Uraraka said primly as she brushed down her horse.
"Of course I'd want a drink and hot dinner!" Kazuma ranted as he stacked wood for the fire. "We've had nothing but my rations and cold water to drink for a week! A room and a meal at that inn was 25 pfennig! There's 100 pfennig in one mark, and you've got 25 marks!"
"Twenty three and forty pfennig. We did have to buy some supplies so far, and that's put a drain on our funds," Uraraka corrected.
"So we could literally stay at an inn for three weeks! Hell, we could even splurge and buy ourselves a round of ale!" Kazuma argued.
"There is no need for such frivolities," Uraraka stated. "That's why I'm in charge of the money, and you are not."
Kazuma glared at Uraraka, then looked to Darkness and Tokoyami who were setting up tents. "What about you two? Don't you want to stay at an inn for the night? You know, get a bath for the first time in days, sleep in a real bed!"
"It would be nice not to have to sleep on the ground for once, Uraraka," Tokoyami said. "Plus, it would be easier for me to control Dark Shadow."
"Then we should not sleep at an inn!" Darkness exclaimed. "We need Dark Shadow to be strong, and rough!" Then she blushed and looked down. "But, um, I would not mind sleeping in a bed, and having a bath for once."
"Are you people crazy?! Money does not grow on trees!" Uraraka snapped.
"I mean, I bet I could earn some money. Or, you know, just steal it," Kazuma pointed out. "What do you say, play rock paper scissors for it? I'll even say I have to win three in a row against you. You win once, we sleep on the ground again."
"No, and that's final," Uraraka huffed. "We're not staying at an inn. You'd do something lewd, Darkness would start a fight just to get beat up a little, and Tokoyami would scare everyone because they think he looks like a monster. So we're sleeping out here, where it's peaceful and quiet!"
Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "You know, my fingers are getting real itchy. I might just feel a Steal coming on. Maybe I'll steal that money from you. Maybe I'll get some panties for my collection. Either way, I'll get what I want."
"Steal my panties again, and you'll wake up so high up off the earth that you'll die of oxygen deprivation," Uraraka firmly informed him.
"Fine! Have it your way! See if I make any rations for you though," Kazuma muttered.
He did, of course, end up giving Uraraka some bread rolls. After all, she had the jerky and dried fruit that she dolled out to go with their meal. She was adamant that they needed proper nutrition, but refused to buy one more item of food than absolutely necessary.
"Freakin' Scrooge," Kazuma complained.
"Scrooge?" Darkness asked.
Kazuma glanced at Tokoyami, who shrugged. "I have not heard the name either."
"What? Don't you guys celebrate Christmas in the future?" Kazuma demanded. He suddenly raised his voice, glaring at Uraraka, "Because someone's going to end up as a Christmas cake if they're not careful!"
"Boyfriends are expensive, and so are cakes. They are a waste of money," Uraraka told him.
"Unbe-friggin-lievable," Kazuma groused. He eyed Tokoyami and Darkness. "Want to play cards or something?"
"Pass. Even if we are not gambling anything, I see no reason to lose to you over and over," Tokoyami told Kazuma bluntly.
"You cheat!" Dark Shadow chirped.
"I don't cheat!" Kazuma argued. "My luck is just really high!"
"Well, we should at least train then," Darkness said, brushing off her clothes and standing. "Kazuma, care for a bout?"
"Why, you'll just stand there and get hit like usual," Kazuma complained, but he stood up anyway. "Fine, it's more fun than just sitting around waiting for the sun to set."
As usual, Darkness just charged in, sword raised, no subtlety at all. Kazuma lazily moved to the side to dodge, expecting Darkness's attack to be off by a mile. At the last second, his Evasion skill activated, and he moved just the barest fraction of an inch to the side, so that Darkness didn't cleave him in half, instead slicing his cloak.
"What the hell Darkness!?" Kazuma gasped, jerking away. "You almost killed me!"
"I-I am sorry, Kazuma! I thought-but my blows never land!" Darkness said, looking as shocked as Kazuma was.
"That's… weird," Kazuma agreed. He frowned, raising Chunchunmaru. "Guess I'll have to take this a bit more seriously."
He and Darkness fought back and forth for a while, and to Kazuma's shock he had to actually stay on his toes, dodging and parrying her attacks. She managed to block a few of his lazier blows as well, which was something new. When they stepped back from one another, panting, Kazuma cocked his head to one side. "Did you… I don't know, take the Two Handed Sword skill when I wasn't looking?"
"N-n-no, I didn't, I swear!" Darkness protested, flushing bright red.
Kazuma held up his hands. "Hey, it's cool, I'm actually pretty impressed. I mean, you were already practically indestructible, so branching out and getting a little offensive ability is nice."
"No, but, Kazuma, the strangest thing has been happening," Darkness said, holding her sword up and looking at it with an awed expression. "It's like… the more I use this sword, the better I seem to become with it. It's as if, by practicing with it, my skills are actually improving!"
"Weird," Kazuma said, using Chunchumaru to scratch at his side.
"Um, Darkness, that's sort of how practice works," Tokoyami said, looking bemused. "Why else would you drill with your sword each night?"
"Exercise, but mostly because I enjoy it," Darkness admitted. "It is a sort of game to me."
"You mean, you seriously never learned how to use that sword after hundreds of years?" Uraraka asked.
"No, I stopped earning experience and skill points when I died, and I had already invested all of them," Darkness explained. "I still practiced of course, but that was more to maintain my physical fitness. What I did pick up in the Divine Realm were all defensive related skills that improved my durability, though I don't know if they were from exercise."
"Yeah, I mean, I sort of never bothered because the stat increases you get from exercise taper off pretty quickly after a certain point. You can get a slight bonus but it's really not worth it for the effort you have to put in," Kazuma said with a shrug. He held up Chunchumaru, frowning. "I wonder… could I learn advanced sword techniques just by practicing over and over?"
"You only have the basic One Handed Sword skill, correct?" Darkness asked.
Kazuma nodded. "Yeah, Adventurers have to spend too many points to unlock more advanced martial skills. But I can use pretty much any weapon OK."
"You lived in that wacky world way too long, Kazuma," Uraraka sighed. "You forgot how reality works."
"I mean, that is how reality works, there anyway. It's just, I dunno, different logic? Honestly, it feels more like home now than Japan ever did," Kazuma admitted.
"Well, I guess I should practice with you too then. Wouldn't want to be the useless one in the party now would I?" Uraraka laughed, standing and drawing her own sword.
Later that night, Kazuma was sitting on a tree stump, whittling with his knife. There were a few hours left until dawn, and he had the last watch. Doing something with his hands helped keep him awake and alert as he used his skills to look for any approaching danger.
Kazuma was carving a small cat with little bat wings, smiling to himself. Chomuske had never really turned into a cute cat girl, but he still missed the little demon thing. He heard a noise behind him, but didn't look over, recognizing the sound of Darkness getting up. He figured she had to use a bush, until she walked over to him. Kazuma scooted over on the stump, making room for her.
"Something on your mind?" he asked, not looking up. Darkness couldn't see him anyway, not with the moon already set.
"Kazuma, I'm scared," Darkness said quietly as she sat next to him.
That got Kazuma's attention. Darkness had charged the Devil King with a smile on her face. She'd fought that insane loli vampire to the bitter end without a single look of despair. He looked up, carefully sheathing his knife and pocketing the half finished carving. "Yeah? What's up?"
"This world… it doesn't work like the one I'm used to," Kazuma," Darkness whispered. Kazuma could see her hugging herself, her legs drawn up protectively. Her eyes were big and wet, and she looked more like a lost child than a stalwart knight just then. "What if… what if I can't protect you all here?"
Kazuma reached out, putting an arm around Darkness' shoulders. She let out a soft sob, and rested her head on his shoulder. He patted her leg affectionately. "Hey, that, right there? That's pure muscle."
Darkness let out a half whimper, half laugh at that. "You brute!"
"No, no, listen. You're literally the strongest person I know. I mean that. And in case you don't remember, I know some literal deities. None of them are as tough as you. And remember when you charged right in to the Duke of Terror's den and saved Edgebird? And just the other day, when that bear attacked us and you literally tackled it while jumping off a galloping horse?"
"Yes," Darkness admitted. "I just… I don't know. Things are different here."
"What to know something? Something I never told anyone? Not even Megumin?" Kazuma asked.
Darkness nodded, shifting to sit back up, and smoothing her hair back down.
"For the first couple months after I died and came to your world the first time, I was TERRIFIED. Like, cry myself to sleep most nights scared. Oh, sure, I tried to act tough, especially since Aqua was there, but remember, I was a NEET. I almost never left my parents house, and I certainly never went anywhere new or strange. And yet, there I was. Sleeping in a stable, doing day labor, and there was this insane, stupid goddess sleeping next to me."
"You were truly so frightened? I never saw that in you," Darkness said, leaning in close to peer at Kazuma's face in the dim starlight. "You would cry, and moan, and even try to flee at times, but I never saw dread in you."
"Scariest time of my life," Kazuma confirmed. "I mean, sure, I'd TALKED about wanting to live in a video game world. But actually doing it? Scared the hell out of me."
Darkness turned, looking over to where Uraraka was softly snoring, and Tokoyami was lying with his head tucked under one arm, Dark Shadow wrapped around him like an ominous blanket. "What about them?"
"Uraraka cries herself to sleep most nights. She's quiet about it, but she does. I hear her whimpering and asking for her mom," Kazuma said quietly. "Tokoyami… well, he's got you. You really like him, don't you?"
Even without his night vision, Kazuma would have known that Darkness was blushing when she whispered, "I do. He is kind, but also so dangerous. Gentle, but also a brute. His is very strange, and yet… I think I am growing fond of him. I am still Darkness, the perverted, useless knight. However… I am not the Darkness I was. I still enjoy rough treatment, but… now I think I need something more. You showed me that a man could be crude and brutal, while still being sensitive and loving, Kazuma."
"Oh, gee, thanks. Talk about a backhanded compliment," Kazume deadpanned.
They sat together in the dark for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of insects and other nightlife. At last, Darkness sighed and stood. "Thank you, Kazuma. You are a good friend."
"Yeah. You too, Darkness. Oh, and Lalatina?"
"What?" she snapped, irritated at the use of her proper name as usual.
"I feel a lot safer, knowing you're here with me."
Her irritation melted, and began to smile warmly, nodding slowly back. "I do as well, strange as it may seem. You being here… It just feels… right, somehow."
"Yeah. Just missing one delusional mage and a useless goddess," Kazuma sighed, taking his knife and figurine out. "Get some rest. Sun's up in an hour. We should be in Hauptstadt by midday."
Breakfast was barley porridge conjured by Kazuma, which while filling was pretty damn boring. At least it was hopefully their last day of trail rations, no matter what Uraraka said.
The city of Hauptstadt was set astride a large river, with the center of the city built atop a large hill, with a massive fortress at the top. Great stone walls of dark granite encircled most of the city, though more recent buildings seemed to have sprung up outside the walls. Farmland surrounded the city; endless fields of grains, vegetables, and vast orchards that extended for miles around the city.
As Kazuma's party came out of the wooded foothills, he saw more and more travelers. At first it was simple merchants, alone with packbeasts, or caravans together with carts and guards, but as they entered the plains, they saw more and more weary, dejected souls carrying what little they owned on their back. They moved in family groups, or in ones and two's, people with sunken eyes and bearing seeping wounds. Some sat beside the road, clearly having gone as far as they could.
Kazuma tried to maintain a jovial attitude, joking and laughing with his companions, but his heart finally broke when he saw a woman with dull, empty eyes, carrying a baby in her arms and a toddler on her back, leaving bloody footprints behind her. That was too much, even if she was just an NPC.
"Hey, wait up a sec," Kazuma called, hopping off his horse. The woman flinched at his call, shying away from him.
"Don't want no trouble," she muttered. "Don't got nothin' left."
"Yeah I can tell. Here, you look hungry. Create Rations." Kazuma held out the flatbread he made to her, and the woman's eyes widened. She quickly grabbed it and took a greedy bite, then got her son off her back to offer him some.
"T-thank you," she sniffed.
"Yeah, hold still a moment. Lesser Heal. Here, let me see that blanket. Craft! I know it's not much, but these sandals will help you," Kazuma said, handing his creation back to her.
The woman gazed at Kazuma with wonder as her child happily devoured the flat bread. "Who are you, my lord?"
"Just a boring old low level Adventurer," Kazuma told her, smiling. "You gonna be OK?"
"I… yes. Thank you. Thank you so much," the woman wept.
"Mind telling me what happened to you?" Kazuma asked quietly. Darkness and the other had dismounted, and were also now sharing what little supplies they had with other refugees, who were now starting to crowd around them.
"They came out of nowhere," the woman told him. "Monsters. Hordes of them. They were beasts of all different kinds and shapes. I'd heard tell of such things, but… but the Kaiser and the nobles were supposed to have driven them off ages ago. We got the occasional dire boar or nightstalker true, but things were alright. Baron Von Metzer and his men… they were slaughtered. They started burning things, killing. They were led by a woman who ran with wolves, she tortured Father Klerus, and was demanding to know what he knew of some goddess. Not Psyche Dio, or one I'd ever heard of. Said she was a water goddess I think. Then, they just left. But it was all gone. My husband, our oldest daughter, all dead…"
"Water Goddess?" Kazuma asked, feeling a chill. "Not… not Aqua?"
"Could have been. I didn't get close enough to hear, thank Psyche Dio. We've been headed for the capitol ever since, hoping we'd be safe there," the woman explained.
"M'lord? M'lord, do you have more food?"
Kazuma turned to see a girl about his age, or rather, the age he thought of himself as. She'd have been cute if it wasn't for the bruises on her face and the burned smell on her. One arm was wrapped in a makeshift sling, the other holding the hand of a young boy
"Yeah. Here. Create Rations. Lesser Heal."
In the end, Kazuma had to use Drain Touch on Darkness three times to tap into her nearly limitless stamina to manage to feed even half the refugees that were now packing the roadway. Uraraka ended up passing out all of the stores of food she had, along with the medicine she'd bought to treat minor injuries. Tokoyami stayed off to the side with the horses, the refugees looking at him warily.
"What's this then?" a voice called, and Kazuma turned to see armored knights on horseback approaching. They'd stopped at a crossroads, and traffic was backed up in many directions now. "Move out of the road if you are wearied! There is food, shelter, and medicine, given by the Kaiser ahead! Make way for the wagons! You there, knight, what is the meaning of this?"
Darkness turned to the female knight who had reigned up close to her, a helmet with a jet black plum under one arm. "I am Lady Lalatin Ford Dustiness, Knight of the Goddess Eris and Champion of the Divine Realm," Darkness answered, the playfulness and perversion gone from her tone. She was a noblewoman to the hilt now, hand on her sword, back straight. "We have been sent by the goddess to cleanse the taint of the Lord of the Tomb from this land. These are my companions, his Grace Sato Kazuma the Devil King's bane, Ochako Uraraka of Japan, and Fumikage Tokoyami of the Dark Shadow."
"Hey. Sup," Kazuma said with a jaunty two fingered salute. He forced a smile on his face, despite how tired he felt. Even with those Drain Touches, his MP was low, and using his skills this much took a lot out of him.
"Then the rumors were true." The lady knight dismounted and knelt. "I am Ritterfuhrer Angela Von Rustang. We have had word of your coming from Baroness Von Galen. We were sent to look for you. Please, come with me. Do not fear however, these good folk shall be seen too; they are under the Kaiser's protection."
Upon seeing the rather lacking condition of Kazuma's party's mounts, Von Rustang ordered four of her knights to dismount, giving their much superior horses in exchange.
"Those horses were ours though," Uraraka muttered. "They can't be cheap."
"If you have need of mounts, Lady Uraraka, we shall provide, fear not," Von Rustang promised. "But now, time is of the essence. The enemy advances upon us even now, and we know not how to stop them. Come."
They rode off at a fast pace, making good time as the refugees and merchants moved aside for the column of knights to pass. They entered the city gates with only a minor pause while the guards checked documents, but the Baroness's letter and Von Rustang's insistence of its authenticity got them through quickly enough.
Inside of the city, the atmosphere was just as grim. Soldiers marched the streets in full armor, and the civilians looked harried. Refugees were seemingly everywhere there was space, taking up positions around street corners and alleys, and though the streets were clean, there was an aura of desperation and sickness to the air. Kazuma swallowed, feeling nervous again. Even in the darkest hour, Belzerg hadn't looked THIS bad. Not even when the Devil King's minions had practically been at the gates.
They made their way up to the citadel, where there was a more thorough inspection of documents.
"A divine hero? You look like a group of children. Only this Lady Dustiness looks old enough to serve in the Kaiser's army," the captain of the guard said, glaring at Kazuma.
"Yeah, well, I got one thing to say to that," Kazuma said. He raised one hand. "Create Water!"
The captain let out a gasp of surprise as the water splashed over him, which made Kazuma smirk, but the next thing he knew Darkness had shoved him behind her a dozen spears and swords were pointed at them.
"What sorcery is this?" the captain coughed. "This is the same sort of foul magic those invaders possess!"
"It is harmless, only good drinking water," Darkness snarled, her fingers twitching on her sword hilt. "My companion is weary from travel. He sought only to prove the credentials you doubted."
"Captain, are you well?" one of the soldiers asked.
The man wiped at his face, frowning. He sniffed some of the liquid on his fingers, then tasted it. "Hmm. It appears harmless. Call the priests, check them over. Their infiltrators have caused us enough harm."
"Geez, it was just a prank," Kazuma muttered as two men in robes approached with censors burning incense, chanting.
"I think they don't like jokes here very much," Uraraka said, her voice strained as she looked at the various weapons centimeters from her body.
"Harm one hair on any of their heads, and you shall pay for it in blood," Tokoyami vowed, Dark Shadow hissing menacingly as it blocked the weapons pointed towards him.
"This one has to be some sort of demon," one of the priests said, raising his sensor. Dark Shadow hissed at him, but the smoke wafted over the manifestation harmlessly.
"Demon he may be, but he is mine, and bound to me," Tokoyami informed the priest. "So long as I live, he fights only for justice."
"And bird seed!" Dark Shadow squawked.
"Er, they appear to be human, strange as it may sound, captain," the priest finally decided, after having chanted several spells and casting glowing lights to pass over Kazuma and his party. "Though, it is said these new foes have powerful anti-magic abilities."
"Oh come on, if we were evil or something we'd have cleaned the floor with you already!" Kazuma protested. "Those spears look like they're not even magical, just regular old iron and steel! Darkness' armor is adamantois, and so is her sword! They'd just bounce off her. And if I were really serious, I'd just use a bunch of magic and wreck you scrubs before you could do anything!"
"They were found passing out food and offering healing to refugees. I do not think them to be spies, or they would not have drawn so much attention to themselves," Von Rustang pointed out. "Their magic is strange though, to be sure. They do claim to be from the Divine Realm and the Holy Land of Japan."
"Well, perhaps," the captain admitted. He bowed stiffly. "Forgive me, my lords and ladies. These are… trying times."
Slowly, the weapons were lowered, and Kazuma and his party were allowed to enter into the fortress proper, if still under watch. More soldiers were drilling on the grounds, and there were dozens of messengers running back and forth, delivering news too and from the town.
"Geeze, what the hell happened here? You people have a war or something?" Kazuma wondered aloud, seeing yet another soldier nursing an injury as he stood vigil.
"Yes. And we are losing," Von Rustang said grimly.
They were led up the steps of the main keep and into a great hall that was filled with armored nobles, mages in robes, and priests in vestments. All were talking quietly, pointing at maps or pieces of parchment, or going about assigned tasks.
"Your weapons?" a final guard asked, holding out his hand as they crossed the threshold
Darkness looked at Kazuma, who shrugged. "What the hell. Not like you can disarm birdbrain anyway." He reluctantly handed over his sword, slingshot, and knife. He kept the dynamite. "Hey, don't lose that. Chunchunmaru is special to me, OK?"
The guard blinked, examining the weapon in his hand. "You claim this is Chunchunmaru?"
"Hey! Don't make fun of that! Someone very special to me named it, even if it does sound silly!" Kazuma snapped, glaring at the guard.
"Silly? Perhaps it is foolish to name your sword after the legendary Singing Blade of the Red Witch," the guard chuckled. "Go on, boy, you're not the first to give their blade an overly important name."
That made Kazuma pause in his prepared defense. "Wait, you know about Chunchunmaru?"
The guard rolled his eyes. "Of course, everyone knows the story of the legendary blade gifted to a mortal man by the Red Witch. The one said to have been wielded by a divine champion to defeat the Lindwurm of the north two hundred years ago."
"Wait, did she…" Kazuma considered, then groaned. "Oh my God. Megumin named a cheat item Chunchumaru and sent someone to this world, didn't she."
"She told me she did that on occasion," Darkness told Kazuma as she passed over her own sword. "Though usually she only consented to gift potential heroes with Explosion magic."
"She could have at least not named it after MY sword," Kazuma grumbled, causing the guards to eye him skeptically. "Fine, whatever, but just so you know, that's the original! And it didn't slay some dumb worm, it killed the Devil King!"
"You sure these are them, Ritterfuhrer?" another guard asked.
"I do not know. But they certainly have strange powers, so perhaps that is indeed the blade of legend. Guard it well, soldier. Come. The Kaiser awaits."
At the head of the main hall, an elderly man in a simple military uniform sat in a utilitarian looking throne as a group of advisors talked to him. He waved them away however as Kazuma approached. He nodded to the party, his expression worried, but tinged with hope. "Are these the ones, then?"
"Yeah, I'm Kazuma, this is Darkness, Uraraka, and Tokoyami," Kazuma said, not waiting for introductions. "I guess you're the Kaiser? Yeah, we're here to kill the Lord of the Tomb or whatever."
"Such bold words," the old man chuckled. "But I am no longer the kaiser. Merely his grandfather."
"What, you retire or something?" Kazuma demanded.
"Um, Kazuma, don't you remember?" Darkness whispered. "The Kaiser has to abdicate if he can no longer defend the realm with his blade. It was in our briefing!"
"Pfff, I always skip the quest dialogue," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Then maybe you should shut up and let Darkness do the talking, since, you know, she's actually a noble instead of a NEET from Nagano," Uraraka said, poking Kazuma in his ribs.
Kazuma winced. He never should have let that slip. "Fine. Whatever."
"Um, please, forgive my friend's rudeness. He is not used to dealing with mortals after many long years in the Divine Realm," Darkness said, bowing slightly.
"I will forgive much, if you are indeed here to kill those devils their army," a brisk new voice declared, and Kazuma turned to see a young man in a well made but still simple military man striding towards them. As he passed, people inclined their heads to him.
"Ah, you are here," the retired Kaiser said, making to stand from the throne.
"No, stay where you are, grandfather. You have more need for a seat than I." The young man stopped in front of Kazuma's party, eyeing them critically. Then he clicked his heels together. "I am Kaiser Frederik Von Verantwortlicher."
"Aren't you a bit young to be a king or whatever?" Kazuma asked, folding his arms. The kid looked to be the same age as Uraraka and Tokoyami, no more than sixteen, with green eyes and light brown hair. He was good looking, Kazuma supposed, but he also looked like a total killjoy.
"I am. But as my father and elder sister died on the field a week past, it seems that I am now the leader of Königreich," Frederik answered icily.
Kazuma jerked, then blushed. "Oh. Er, sorry to hear that, um, your majesty."
"Kazuma?" Tokoyami said. "Please shut up."
Kazuma made a lip lock and throw away the key motion, smiling at Frederik, who seemed utterly unamused. "Come with me," he ordered, and turned and walked out of the main hall.
Kazuma glanced over at Darkness, who shook her head, her lips pursed in irritation. Probably at him. They followed after Frederik, a group of guards falling in with them. They were led through a few corridors to an open courtyard, where several robed mages were waiting.
"You claim to be sent by the gods to defeat this foe. Very well. Prove it," Frederik said, taking up a sword. He motioned to Darkness. "You seem to be a knight. Take up a blade and fight, show me your skill."
"Um, I am more of a shield," Darkness said, looking nervous.
"Eh, you can take him," Kazuma encouraged.
"No, let me," Uraraka said, stepping forward. "I got this, Darkness."
"You sure hot stuff?" Kazuma asked, frowning at Uraraka as she stepped forward.
"Yes," Uraraka said, grinning and spreading her arms wide. "It's my turn to show what I can do!"
"Then take up a blade," Frederik snapped.
"Don't need one. I'm not very good yet, it would just slow me down," Uraraka said.
"Hmph. Very well. If you lie, I shall kill you." With that, the Kaiser lunged forward, striking like a viper. Uraraka pivoted to the side, slapping the blade with one hand as she dodged.
The Kaiser flicked it after her, but his blow went high and wild, a look of confusion on his face for a moment as he stumbled, thrown off by the sudden change of weight. Uraraka simply tapped him with her fingers on the arm and stepped away.
"Hmph, a trick, but it will not… not…" Frederik looked baffled as he slowly floated up into the air. "What in the name of all the gods is this?"
"Anti-gravity. My quirk. All it takes is one touch, and you're helpless," Uraraka said, looking smug. "You wanna give up yet?"
"No," Frederik growled. He flailed about in the air for a minute or two, until he was red faced and panting, drifting up towards the sky. "Very well. I yield. I do not know this spell."
"Good. Can you get him, Tokoyami?"
"Easily." Dark Shadow shot up, grabbing Frederik and bringing him back to the ground.
"Release!" Uraraka said, touching her fingers together. She smiled happily. "Now do you believe us?"
"I am more inclined to," Frederik admitted, his earlier irritation gone in favor of a more thoughful expression. "Archmage Denker. Test their mage."
"Of course, your highness," a grey bearded man said, stepping forward.
"That's you, Kazuma," Uraraka said reluctantly.
"Yeah, yeah," Kazuma said with a sigh. "Hey Darkness? Little help?"
"Oh, of course," Darkness said, giving Kazuma her hand.
"Thanks. Drain Touch!" Kazuma sucked away for a full minute, until Darkness was flushing and obviously having to work to contain herself. "Right, that's enough, I'm good."
He sauntered out to the floor, where the Denker was stroking his beard, looking thoughtful. "Right, usual rules for a skill off?"
"I am not familiar with this, 'skill off,'" Denker said slowly. "How does it work?"
"Well, we don't want to, you know, kill anybody, so we just see who knows the most spells. First one to come up dry on a new one loses. No muss, no fuss," Kazuma said breezily, rolling up his sleeves and grinning.
"Hmm. A simple test, similar to the one for Archmagus," Denker mused. He nodded. "I accept. As host, I shall go first."
He waved his hands in the air, muttering under his breath, until a bolt of electricity crackled out of his fingertips, striking the ground.
"All that for Spark?" Kazuma asked, pointing one finger at the floor so that his own bolt discharged to about the same place Denker's had.
Denker's eyebrows shot up. "Hmm. Not as potent as mine I think, but to need so short an incantation… very well."
They went back and forth for a few minutes, Kazuma copying everything Denker managed. They flung about some fire, made a gust of wind, chilled the ground, caused a seed to sprout and grow quickly, and made phantom noises and lights.
"Getting tired, old man?" Kazuma taunted as Denker hesitated before his next spell.
"A moment," Denker panted. "I need food, and water. My reserves grow weak. I am not as young as I once was."
"I'll spot you," Kazuma said before a servant could hurry forward. He took out his canteen, upending it to show it was empty, then pointed a finger at the neck. "Create Water!"
Once it was full, he held out his other hand. "Create Rations!"
He handed one of the rice balls and the canteen over to a poleaxed Denker, then took a big bite out of his own. "You know, I like this. Nobody gets hurt, and we get snacks," Kazuma said around a mouthful.
Denker cautiously sipped the water, then bit into the rice ball. He chewed, then swallowed, shaking his head. He turned to Frederik. "Your majesty, I must concede this boy is an Archmagus of surpassing skill. Were these all the spells he knows, which I think unlikely given how easily he matched me, he would be one of the strongest in the entire reich, if not the world."
"So I see," Frederik said with a slow nod. He bowed stiffly to Kazuma. "I apologize. The death of my father, the former Kaiser, and my elder sister the heir… it has left me in a foul mood as of late."
"Hey, it's OK," Kazuma said with a shrug. He grimaced. "We saw the refugees. Things are getting pretty bad, huh?"
"If the gods themselves must send their greatest champions to aid us, they must be," Frederik agreed. "Please, we shall do whatever we can to aid you, heroes. My realm is at your disposal."
"Great," Kazuma said. Slowly, a goofy grin started to spread across his face. "Say, do you have mixed baths here?"
Chapter 9: A Religious Experience[img: . ]
Beta'd and edited by The Evil Within
Chapter 9: A Religious Experience
All men develop a disorder right around the time they hit puberty. This disorder, officially dubbed "Multi-head Disorder", has caused poor decision-making among men from the early ages of 12 all the way through the Viagra years of the 90s.
-Paul Hudson, Elite Daily
There was a knock on Izuku's door, and he bolted upright, panting and sweating. He'd been reliving the fight with the Wolf Queen, only this time, Aqua hadn't been able to save everyone. He glanced out his window, but it was dark, still night. With a grunt, he got out of bed, and carefully opened the door.
Standing there was Hatsume, dressed in a robe and clutching her crossbow, pale faced and with puffy cheeks, her yellow eyes redded from crying. "Midoriya?"
"Um, yes?" Izuku said, opening the door a bit wider.
"Can I sleep in your room tonight?" Hatsume whispered, trembling slightly. "I had bad dreams."
For a moment, Izuku hesitated. It really was improper, and he'd had to do some convincing to get them both separate rooms in the first place. But Hatsume wasn't the only one having a bad night. "Yeah, OK," Izuku agreed, opening the door completely.
Hatsume stepped inside, only to press her face against Izuku's chest and clutch him tightly. "I want to go home."
Gently, Izuku put his arms around Hatsume, feeling tears begin to fill his own eyes. He sniffled, trying to keep his voice steady. "Yeah. Me too."
Izuku had to convince Hatsume to leave the crossbow on the nightstand, but when he tried to lie down on the floor, she simply hopped out of bed to huddle up next to him.
"Um, don't you not want me to be in the same bed as you?" Izuku asked as Hatsume shivered against him. The night was warm, but she was clearly terrified.
"I don't want to be by myself," Hatsume told him. "Mom and daddy and Hari aren't here. But you are."
"Yeah, ok," Izuku sighed. "But we shouldn't sleep on the floor then."
"Ok."
Hatsume snuggled up tight to Izuku, clutching him tightly. After a moment, she shifted, looking down curiously. "What's that?"
Izuku felt himself flush. "That's, um, sorry. I'm not a pervert, it's just…"
"Oh, is that your boy thing? How'd it get so hard?" Hatsume asked, suddenly interested, before trying to poke it.
"D-don't do that!" Izuku gasped. "It's, um, sensitive."
"Oh. Sorry. Do you need Aqua to heal you?" Hatsume asked.
"No, it's just… look, um, you know, you're a girl, and I'm a boy, and, well…"
Hatsume blinked, her yellow eyes glowing in the dim light, showing Izuku quite clearly the small crosshairs around her pupils. "Yes, that is true. But we can talk about that later. I am sleepy."
And then she just dozed off, still holding tight to Izuku. It was a long time before his heart stopped pounding and he too managed to sleep, but this time, he dreamed of far more pleasant things than before.
That morning at breakfast, Aqua and Megumin trod down the stairs to sit with Izuku and Mei, up early for once.
"Good morning," Aqua yawned. She then smiled mischievously at Izuku, looking far too much like the cat who got the mouse. "Did you two have fun last night?"
"I-no, we, um, we didn't-" Izuku trailed off with a strangled noise, unable to continue.
"We didn't do what?" Mei asked, looking up from her glazed rolls.
"We, er, um, we just, you know, slept," Izuku said lamely.
"I had nightmares," Mei stated. "Izuku helped them go away."
"Hmph. So you passed the final frontier, did you?" Megumin said, glaring at Izuku from her slumped position, clearly disgusted by his antics. Or was that the light of jealousy in her eyes instead?
"No! We just, you know, Hatsume couldn't sleep, and, well, I was having a hard time too. Because of the nightmares! So, you know. We, um-"
"Izuku, are you OK?" Hatsume asked, looking worried. She glared at Aqua and Megumin. "You be nice to him! I do not know why you are being so mean, Izuku has been very kind! He even beat the bad guy up, and he gives nice hugs."
"Sure you weren't after more than a hug?" Aqua asked, smirking at Izuku.
Hatsume frowned, setting down her food. "What else would I be after?"
"You know, you're a girl, he's a boy. I guess if you're into the stuttering nerdy type he's OK. I'm… happy… for you," Megumin said through gritted teeth.
"Izuku said the same thing last night. Why does it matter if he is a boy and I am a girl? We are both people," Hatsume said.
Aqua blinked at her. "You don't… I mean, you two did have sex, right? You've been awfully close since we got here."
"Oh, yes, sex. No, we did not kiss," Hatsume said, and went back to munching on her roll.
Aqua and Megumin gaped at Hatsume while Izuku tried to sink down in his seat enough to disappear.
"Hatsume, sex isn't kissing," Megumin said, rolling her eyes. "You can kiss your parents, or your sister, or even a friend. But, you know, when you love someone, and you're, you know, close, then you…"
"You do the horizontal hula!" Aqua laughed.
"What does dancing have to do with kissing?" Hatsume asked, face blank and uncomprehending.
Izuku, meanwhile, was busy choking on his food, before Hatsume started pounding his back until he coughed. "We, um, we didn't have sex."
"No, but I would not mind if Izuku kissed me. I have not wanted a boy to kiss me before, but he is nice," Hatsume stated matter of factly, which nearly made Izuku start a new coughing fit.
"You really don't know?" Aqua asked, sounding shocked.
"I am an expert on love," Megumin proclaimed. "As I have a tale of tragic romance in my past! You see, just as my lover, Kazuma and I, were about to consummate our feelings, when we received word that we-"
"Oh give it a rest, you're still a virgin NEET, just like Kazuma," Aqua interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Listen to a REAL expert on the subject! You see, when a boy and a girl love each other very much, they-"
"Kiss one another, then get married," Hatsume interjected. "I am not a baby, I know how it works."
"Yeah, so, you know, you and Izuku," Megumin held up her hands, making a circle with one and sticking her finger through it and moving it in and out.
"What is…" Hatsume copied the gesture until Izuku let out a sob and buried his head in his hands. "Midoriya!"
"Look, you're not listening to me!" Aqua snapped. "Sex is how you mortals reproduce! It's a big part of the Axis faith! That's why love is one of our main tenants!"
"No, humans reproduce by making babies," Hatsume said. "The male inseminates the female, and her egg implants in her womb, then grows into a fetus which turns into a baby after nine months. That's coitus."
"How do you know what coitus is but not sex," Izuku groaned.
"Sex is what happens in movies and stuff, it is very gross," Hatsume said authoritatively. "My dad said so. He said it was super gross, and I wouldn't like it, and not to kiss any boys. But he is not here so I can do what I want."
"Yeah, so you know, Izuku's holy sword goes into your sacred cave, and you passionately look into one anothers eyes and then there's an EXPLOSION!" Megumin cackled.
"Yes, exactly," Aqua declared. "And that's what you and Izuku have been doing, obviously."
"Hmph," Megumin sniffed, turning away and folding her arms over her chest. "You don't know anything, Aqua."
"Of course I do! I'm a Goddess! I know everything about love!" Aqua argued.
"Yeah, but you're a goddess, so you don't even have sex," Megumin snapped, turning around and glaring at Aqua. "Kazuma even said he was never even interested in you!"
"That's because I'm far too beautiful for mortals," Aqua sighed dramatically, putting her hand to her chest. Then she grimaced. "Besides, Hatsume is totally right. Sex is super icky, I don't know why you mortals like it so much, but I need more followers so I do have to encourage people to get busy."
"What?! No, it's amazing, and wonderful, an expression of true love! I have longed for the day I can hold my lover in my arms and finally go past the point of no return together!" Megumin argued, standing up and shouting, her face going nearly as scarlet as her eyes as she panted like a wild animal.
"Pff, like you would know. Listen, if you're going to become a REAL goddess, you're going to have to give up on all that stuff. If we have kids with mortal men we become mortal and lose all our divine powers, you know that, right?" Aqua said, rolling her eyes at Megumin's antics. "That's what happened to poor Ristarte. Fell for a hero she summoned, and ended up going full native. But then of course, Upper Management thought it was sweet and all so she made both of them back into gods in the end! Ugh, but she got old and gross and died, who'd want to do THAT?!"
"W-what?" Megumin cried, clutching at the table cloth and looking devastated. "You mean, me and Kazuma, we can never…?"
"Oh relax, he's still in the divine realm with Yunyun and Darkness anyway. He's just going to keep playing his stupid H-Games, he's not that into you," Aqua said dismissively. "Trust me, being a goddess is way better. Having followers who worship you and give you offerings is the best! Of course, you have to take care of them and keep them safe, but that's kinda fun because then they know how awesome you are."
"Yunyun! That treacherous big-titted… ooooo! Kazuma!" Megumin leapt up on top of the table, sending platters and cups crashing to the floor. She raised her fist to the sky and screamed, "You'd better not be putting the moves on poor Yunyun while I'm gone! You keep your hands to yourself, mister, or so help me I'll-"
"Um, Hatsume," Izuku whispered. "Can… can we talk? Outside, alone?"
"Sure, she's just making a mess and I'm full anyway, but we have to hurry because I want to make some more babies to help us if more bad guys come!" Hatsume declared.
"Dammit Megumin, you got food all over me! Come down from there and stop yelling, Kazuma can't hear you!" Aqua shouted, trying and failing to drag her friend off the table.
"If you give in to big busted temptation I am deleting all your save files and transferring your items to my characters, you understand me!?" Megumin ranted as she struggled against Aqua. "I'll Explode your computer! I'll draw on your face in your sleep! I, I'll-"
Izuku shut the door behind him, sighing and glad that the rant was muffled by the thick wood. He then glanced around, seeing the nervous innkeeper and maids looking down the hall to their private dining room.
"Um, just, they're just, um, playing," Izuku said, laughing nervously.
"They are talking about sex and stuff," Hatsume said. "Apparently, there is a boy named Kazuma that Megumin likes but I think he is a god or dead or something and it is very weird. But now Izuku and I are going to have a private conversation, I think he is-MMMMFF."
"Hahaha! Uhh, bye!" Izuku nervously chuckled, putting his hand over Hatsume's mouth and dragging her towards the back door of the inn.
"Midoriya!"" Hatsume said, slapping his hand away and glaring at him. "I was talking to them!"
"And that's what I wanted to talk in private with you about!" Izuku hissed.
"Oh." Hatsume frowned, cocking her head to one side as she allowed Izuku to hustle her out of the inn. "You look very upset, was I being rude?"
"No, I just…" Izuku shut the door of the inn behind them, then slumped to the ground, burying his face in his hands.
Hatsume crouched beside him, looking worried. "I am sorry if I was rude. I do not have very good social skills sometimes."
"It's OK," Izuku said, sighing and lowering his hands. "I… I'm not very good with social skills either."
"Well, that is OK, I do not mind too much. But it was very rude for you to put your hand over my mouth like that: I did not like it. Next time, use your words. I will try to listen."
"Yeah, I'm sorry." Izuku leaned back, studying Hatsume for a moment, then blushed and looked away. "Um, Hatsume, do you… like me?"
"Yes! You are my first friend!" Hatsume said happily. "Mom and dad were always worried I did not have any friends, except my babies, of course. But now I know you! And you are a person, which is what they wanted."
"No, I mean," Izuku sighed. "I mean… do you, um, like, as, um, a boy."
"You have very nice muscles," Hatsume said seriously. "I like to touch them and when you give me hugs. It is not like when dad gives me hugs either. It makes me feel very nice."
"I-I-I feel nice when you hug me, um, too. Look, I, um, I'm really bad at this, but, um, Hatsume, I think… IthinkIreallylikeyouandwillyoubemygirlfriend?"
Hatsume narrowed her eyes at Izuku, and his heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest and flop on the ground. Then she smiled. "Oh! You were talking very funny for a second. Hmm. If we are boyfriend and girlfriend, does that mean we would kiss one another?"
"Um, maybe?" Izuku squeaked. He was not ready for it when Hatsume suddenly grabbed him by the tunic and pulled his face to hers, pressing her lips to his. Slowly, Izuku reached up, putting his arms around Hatsume, drawing her close to his chest.
After what felt like both a very long time and not long enough, they broke apart, panting.
"Mmmm," Hatsume humed, flushed and looking very pleased with herself. "Yes, that was very nice. I think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend now."
"Y-you mean it?" Izuku managed, gasping for breath.
"Yes, I liked that. Well, now we can tell Megumin and Aqua that we did have sex, and that Aqua should get over it because it is actually fun," Hatsume said.
"Er, um, Hatsume, I mean, um, should I call you Mei, now?"
"I do not mind. I am always confused a little when people call me Hatsume, because that could also be anyone in my family, but only I am Mei. Does that mean I should call you Izuku now?"
"Y-yes, um, if we're going to be dating. But, um, look. We just kissed. We didn't… um, well, we didn't have sex," Izuku explained.
"Oh?" Mei frowned. "But we said we are boyfriend and girlfriend and kissed and now we can have fun together, like making babies! I have lots of ideas! We should go and-"
"No, er, listen, sex, um, that's what people say when they mean, um, coitus. And, um, that's sort what, you know, married people do, and stuff. When they make, um, human babies."
"Wait, there is more than just kissing?" Mei jolted upward, pulling Izuku with her. "You are going to have to explain. I got only a C in Biology, I did not like it as much as Chemistry and Physics."
And so, Izuku found himself having perhaps the most embarrassing, thrilling conversation of his young life. When he was done, Mei considered. "Hmm. Yes, that makes sense. And people enjoy this, you say?"
"W-well, I mean, I wouldn't know, but er, that's why, when you get close to me, my er, boy parts… you know… react to you."
"I see. Well, I do not want to have a human baby right now. They are messy, and smelly, and very noisy and a real bother. Trust me, I remember when the brats came and it was not fun."
"Well, I mean, yes, I definitely don't want to get you pregnant," Izuku agreed, feeling slightly faint at the sheer nonchalance. "My parents… well, never mind. The point is, this is all, you know, really personal and stuff, so-"
"You can have sex without getting someone pregant you know."
Izuku jumped about two meters up in the air with a yelp, spun about in mid flight, and came down facing Aqua, his body crackling wildly with energy. "I-I-I-I-I-"
"Izuku! You used your quirk without breaking yourself! That is very good! You are getting better!" Hatsume said happily, coming over and giving him a hug from behind. "Hehe, I'm going to make such wonderful babies for you! But what are you talking about, Aqua? I thought the point of coitus was to have smelly babies."
"Yes, but most mortals just have it for fun," Aqua said, rolling her eyes. "That's why we gods made it so you enjoyed it, so you'd make babies and put up with the bother. You just need a simple protection spell."
"OkthatsgreatthanksAquabye," Izuku babbled and tried to run off, but with Hatsume still hugging him, he was only able to drag her a few feet before she dug in her heels.
"No, wait, I want to know! We should try this!"
"I, I'm saving myself for marriage!" Izuku blustered. "No sex until then!"
"Oh. Alright. I do not think we are ready to get married yet," Hatsume said, letting Izuku go. "But we should think about it. Then your boy part would stop misbehaving all the time. But I'm going to go make babies now, bye!"
Then she trotted off, leaving Izuku alone with a sniggering Aqua.
"It's not funny!" Izuku protested. "We, just, um, see, we were talking, and-"
"Relax, champ," Aqua casually said, draping her arm about his shoulders in a way that would have looked more natural on a drunk businessman, and not a teenage-looking Goddess. "I practice what I preach! All love is good! You're both healthy young adults, you can do whatever you want, 'slong as you both consent! I've even got a special offer for you, if you ever wanted to reeeeeeally have some fun…" Aqua breathed into his ear.
Sweat beaded on Izuku's forehead as he fought not to fidget. "O-o-oh? Um, w-what's that? Aqua?" He swallowed, trying and failing to edge away from the manic goddess's vice-like grip.
"If you were to become my follower, I'd grant you a spell that would keep Hatsume from getting pregnant," Aqua whispered into his ear. "You could do it all night long, no risks! It even keeps you from getting diseases and stuff. The Axis Cult believes all love is good, but it also believes in safe sex!"
Izuku froze. "Y-you don't say…" Images and sensations from Mei hugging him at night filled his head involuntarily, and he struggled to think straight for a moment. He was better than this and-
"So how do I join the Axis Church?" Izuku heard himself saying.
CURSE YOU TEENAGE HORMONES! he inwardly screamed.
"It's super simple!" Aqua whipped out a pen and parchment form, handing them over to Izuku with a big grin. "Just sign here! You pledge your soul and worship to me, Aqua! You just have to pray to me and give me a yearly offering! Normally you have to go to one of my shrines, but since we're best buds and all, just remember my birthday!"
"W-when's your birthday?" Izuku asked as his pen all but flew across the page.
"August 1st! Well, in this world, you can just go with half a moon past midsummer. I like bubbly drinks the best. Thanks for joining the Axis church!" Aqua said, taking the parchment from Izuku and smiling. It dissolved into light in her hands, and Izuku couldn't help but feel like he'd just signed his life away. Or possibly his soul. Maybe even literally.
Izuku shuffled his feet nervously. "O-ok. So, um, what do I do now..?"
"Just say the holy words. When you require my aid, say, 'The Goddess Eris pads her chest.'"
Izuku blinked. "You're serious?"
"Of course! It's a surefire set of holy words, very sacred. I said them myself!" Aqua laughed.
"The Goddess Eris pads her chest? Seriously, that's-oh!"
An odd sensation made a very sensitive region of Izuku's body tingle, and he let out a gasp.
"There you go! You can use it as many times a day as you want, but you have to pray to me again before you can use it! It lasts either an hour, or until you, you know. That thing Kazuma does with his socks," Aqua explained making a disgusted face.
"O-o-ok," Izuku said, flushing and covering himself with his hands. "Listen, I, um, I gotta go."
"You don't need to get a sock. I think Hatsume would probably be happy to help you!" Aqua called, laughing as Izuku raced away even faster.
As it turned out, Izuku chose neither option, simply going for a run until he was finally able to calm his pounding heart-rate down to its usual semi-panicked flutter. Izuku tried to process what all had happened in the last not even hour, and how he felt about it. He liked Hatsume, he really did, but everything was moving way too fast for Izuku's comfort. They'd only known each other for a few weeks, but now Izuku was confessing to this girl and asking her out? Combined with the fear and other horrible thoughts that had been swirling around them during the same time frame, it was like a rollercoaster Izuku desperately wanted to get off of. Not even touching on all that other stuff Aqua was trying to pressure him into, or had succeeded on… No. He had to take his time, he'd figure this out. It was what he did.
After another couple laps around the village though, Izuku saw a column of horses approaching. He ran to the village entrance, panting slightly and waiting for them to arrive.
"What is this? New travelers, here to seek my dark power?"
Izuku turned, seeing Megumin also trotting up to the arrivals, followed by her usual cotery of worshippers. "Oh, hey. Yeah, they're probably here for you or Aqua. You two seem really popular lately."
The riders reigned in before the two of them, and Izuku got a solid look at most of them. They were mostly knights in armor, though there were a couple of people in robes Izuku assumed to be mages. A pretty well armed group indeed.
"Hello," Izuku said, bowing slightly. "Um, welcome. I'm Midoriya, this is Megumin. What brings you to the village?"
"You are Lord Midoriya Wolfsbane?" the mage in the fanciest robes asked, dismounting and stepping forward. She bowed. "Greetings, in the name of my Uncle, King Charles of House Ferme. I am Magus Aline Ferme."
"Um, er, I'm not a-"
"Yes, he is Wolfsbane, slayer of the ferocious Demon Queen of the Wolves!" Megumin proclaimed, flinging her cape aside dramatically and raising her staff. "Behold! I am Megumin, Goddess of the Crimson Demon Clan! I am she who will master explosion magic, and bring apocalypse to this world by destroying the Lord of the Tomb forever!"
The mage gasped, and suddenly struck a dramatic pose. "I greet you, O, Megumin, Dark Goddess of Destruction! Behold, I am Aline, Master of eight spells, and wielder of dark powers!"
Izuku closed his eyes and forced himself not to groan aloud.
"Not bad, not bad," Megumin mused. "But you just hold the one pose. Don't be static! You've got to move about, at least a little. A truly dynamic pose both strikes fear into your foes, and inspires your allies."
"To jump off a cliff in shame?" Izuku muttered.
"What was that?" Megumin asked. "No, no, jumping about is too much. Maybe a little hop at the end though."
"Like this?" Aline asked, springing to the side.
"Yes, very good. I see already you have converted to my glorious order of the Crimson Demons!" Megumin cackled.
"Yes, my lady," Aline said, bowing deeply. "Already, your priestess has struck great blows against the foes that press upon us! I would ask you for the boon of your mighty Explosion magic myself, that I might aid my people!"
"Very well. Kneel, my sister," Megumin said, raising her staff.
Aline sank to her knees, looking up at Megumin with awe.
"I grant you my divine power: Explosion magic, the greatest of all magic!" Megumin intoned, passing her staff over Aline and then pressing it gently to her forehead. "Let it's dark knowledge flow through you!"
Aline gasped as her eyes glowed red. "I see it, I feel it, the dark power of destruction!"
"Very good, very good." Megumin took out a piece of parchment, and quickly scribbled something down. "Here. Memorize this, then burn the parchment in secret. When the time comes, speak my holy words, and your foes shall know TRUE Destruction!"
Izuku got a look at the paper, and this time failed to withhold a soft groan. It was all about gazing into the abyss, and power erupting forth. It read like something a middle schooler would write on their social media accounts with a picture of them in too much makeup. It didn't even affect the spell itself, from what little he had been able to piece together from Megumin's own ramblings and Aqua's critiques.
"I shall do as you command, my lady. Thank you. Already, our mission is a great success," Aline said, kowtowing to Megumin.
"Yes, well, don't fawn. Crimson Demons do not fawn! Not even to goddesses!"
"Oh, yes, of course," Aline said, scrambling to her feet. She was obviously flushed, eyes blazing with a zealous passion, but she smoothed back her fervor for a moment as she fixed her hair and turned to Izuku. "Lord Wolfsbane, please, we have come to beg your aide: A large force of monsters, more terrible than any we have ever seen, has attacked our kingdom. Already, the city of Allumage has been put to the torch, and one of our armies defeated in the field. They march now on Couronne, and our forces may not be enough to stop them."
"You want me to fight an entire army?" Izuku gasped, feeling a bit faint at the thought.
"Not alone you won't," Megumin said, sounding determined. "What forces comprise this army?"
"A mixture of insects and undead, my lady. If it were just them, they would be fearsome foes, but their leaders are terrible to behold. They have slain our mightiest maguses and most skilled knights. Even those bearing Holy Weapons have been vanquished. My cousin, the Duke de Riviere, heir to the throne, was killed along with his entire honor guard when they faced but a single general."
Megumin and Izuku shared a look, and nodded. "We'll come," Izuku promised, face set and determined, even as he felt his hands shaking. "We came to this world to stop the Lord of the Tomb. And that's just what we'll do."
Author's Note
So this will probably be the last chapter for a while, due to the next several chapters having some naughty bits that need to go through the review process. I didn't plan ahead properly and submit the chapter for review far enough ahead of time, so it will take the mods a little while to finish looking over everything. When it's finished we'll be going to regular updates, usually once every five days or so.
Chapter 10: Set Us Up The Bomb[img: . ]
Beta'd by The Evil Within
Chapter 10: Set Us Up the Bomb
Ah, man! Why can't I just get a break?! Death and poverty like me so much, they brought FRIENDS!
-Vash the Stampede
It had long been Kazuma's dream to share a bath with a beautiful woman, to have her scrub his back, and exalt in the titillation of the scenario. Which was why his current situation just felt so wrong.
"Is something amiss, Kazuma?" Darkness asked, pausing in the act Kazuma had so long dreamed of.
"No, it's just… I mean, you've still got a smokin' body and a great rack. So why does it feel like, I dunno, Aqua's washing me or something," Kazuma complained.
Darkness tisked and shook her head, continuing her cleaning. "It is because you are in love, you silly man."
"Yeah, I guess," Kazuma admitted. Darkness finished, then turned around so that Kazuma could return the favor. "This really isn't like the last time we shared a bath."
"No, but then you thought I was but a dream, didn't you?" Darkness laughed. She turned slightly, grinning at Kazuma. "Now that I am clearly flesh and blood, how does it feel?"
"Like I'm taking a bath with my big sister. And not my sexy step sister either," Kazuma sighed. "I dunno. We've just been through a lot together. I care for you, hell, I think I even love you, but…"
"But as I love you. As my perverted and foolish sibling," Darkness finished for him.
"Yeah. I guess. So, how's it going with Tokoyami?"
That made Darkness blush and cover herself, which was pretty pointless because Kazuma really had seen it all, and he just wasn't interested anymore.
"He is… well, let us say that if I were sharing a bath with him, there would be a rather different connotation to it," Darkness chuckled, her voice going throaty and seductive.
"Oh knock it off. Pfft. At least one of us is getting laid," Kazuma groused. "Just make sure you don't get knocked up. Now would be a real inconvenient time for that to happen."
"We have not, that is, why we provide one another with comfort and pleasure, it is not yet that sort of relationship. I confess, I feel slightly guilty as though I am taking advantage of him. I am a demi-god who is hundreds of years old, yet he is only a boy by the reckoning of your people," Darkness explained.
"Eh, I wouldn't worry about it. He's old enough to get married here or back home. I mean, back in your home," Kazuma said.
Darkness smiled, sighing and relaxing as Kazuma sank back into the water. "It is your home too, Kazuma."
"Nah. That's wherever you and Megumin are. And, well, Aqua too. I actually kind of miss that useless goddess," Kazuma said, shaking his head.
"Yes, we were something of a failure as an adventuring group once she left, were we not?" Darkness looked pained for a moment. "We can't fail again, Kazuma. So many people died. Nearly 80% of the world's population, destroyed by the Lord of the Tomb's invasion."
"Yeah. It was… hard, judging people who were my friends," Kazuma admitted. "Did you ever, you know, see Iris?"
"Her majesty vanished, as you well know Kazuma. Not even Aqua knew what happened to her," Darkness told him, looking solemn. "But my father, our friends… so many of them died. We have to prevent that here."
"Yeah. I'm still trying to come up with a plan, honest. It's just… the people here, they're so weak. I mean hell, I'm an Archmage to them! I'm just a medium leveled Adventurer, and I wiped the floor with their best knights when we trained. I think we're screwed," Kazuma admitted.
Darkness hugged herself, tears welling up in her eyes. "Don't say that, Kazuma. There has to be a way."
"Yeah, I'm trying to think of something that uses Uraraka and Tokoyami. They're tough and strong, both of them. Honestly, they're more powerful than most of the cheat items we gave out. If we've got half a prayer, it's the two of them."
"Then we shall make the most of what we have. I am with you, Kazuma, to the end."
"Yeah. Just… just don't make me watch you die again, Darkness, OK? That… that was the worst day of my life," Kazuma dipped his head in the water, trying to hide the tears.
"Very well. But do not ask me to look on as you die either, Kazuma. It broke my heart each time before, even knowing we would simply resurrect you," Darkness told him, scooting over to give him a hug.
Kazuma returned it, resting his head on her ample chest. "Nope. Just doesn't do it for me. Dammit, Darkness, you've ruined boobs for me!"
"You cad! And here I thought you were actually in need of comfort!" Darkness squawked, dunking Kazuma's head under the water. Then she let out a gasp as he used his Freeze skill. They ended up laughing and splashing one another, before finally getting out and drying off.
"Thank you, Kazuma, I needed that," Darkness said as she pulled on her padded cotton undersuit.
"Yeah. Not just the bath," Kazuma agreed. He held out a fist, which Darkness playfully tapped. "Guess I could have picked a worse ugly older sister."
"And I could have gotten a far dumber little brother. Though perhaps not one as perverse."
Outside, Kazuma found an irate looking Tokoyami. "You! How dark you sully Darkness' reputation with-"
"Relax, edgebird," Kazuma said, patting Tokoyami on the shoulder. "She's like a sister to me. And not a hot step sister you have a few H-Scenes with. Just my big, dumb sister. She's all yours pal."
"I, really?" Tokoyami said, looking towards Darkness.
She smiled and bent over to gently kiss him on the cheek, a rather chaste gesture for her. "What can I say? Perhaps your gentle mannerisms are winning me over?"
"Nah, you're just a big horny slut," Dark Shadow opined.
"You said it, not me," Kazuma laughed as the two lovers fidgeted. "Come on. Let's go see what Uraraka's been up to."
As it happened, Uraraka had just finished a bath of her own, and was sitting in her room, studying a book of magic while she dried off her hair. She looked up, smiling at seeing the others. "Hey! Tokoyami, have you read any of these magic spells? They're really easy! Look!"
Uraraka pointed a finger at a feather sitting on the table beside her. "Levitate!"
Slowly, the feather lifted off into the air, floating around the room for a moment, until Uraraka cried, "Release!"
"I had not tried," Tokoyami admitted. He pointed his own finger at the feather. "Levitate!"
This time, nothing happened.
"Wait, here this talks about how to concentrate your will and apply it to the physical world," Uraraka said, hurrying over with the book. "I've only got the one spell so far, but I think I could learn a bunch of magic!"
"Maybe," Kazuma said, picking up the feather and looking at it thoughtfully. Uraraka looked like she was about to explode, but he held up a hand. "Hold on. Have you tried any other spells? Like, a fire spell, or an electric one."
"Yeah, but only Levitate seems to work for me," Uraraka admitted. "I think it might be because of my quirk."
"Yeah, I think so," Kazuma agreed, spinning the feather in his hand and thinking. "Your quirk lets you manipulate gravity right?"
"Well, sort of. I just remove the effect of gravity on objects." To demonstrate, Uraraka slapped the book, then dropped it, only for it to simply slowly spin in the air next to her.
"Anti-gravity," Kazuma agreed, thinking. "Hmm. I know a skill that increases the effect of gravity, or maybe an object's mass. Let's see. Weight!"
The world went white, and the next thing Kazuma knew, Darkness was hauling him out of a pile of rubble as his ears rang. He blinked, and saw Dark Shadow hovering over a battered Tokoyami, who had thrown himself over a stunned looking Uraraka.
Guards and knights got a hold of Kazuma and the others, dragging them out of Uraraka's now ruined room. Thankfully, they'd been in a manor house, not the main fortress, and the only injuries were things Kazuma was able to mend quickly once he was able to get back on his feet.
"My lord, what happened?" Archmage Denker asked, having arrived along with a dozen other powerful magi. "We detected a great outburst of magic, did some spell of yours go awry?"
"No," Kazuma said, a maniacal grin spreading over his face. "No, I think I just figured out how we're going to beat the Lord of the Tomb's army. Get me to Frederik, right now!"
"Just so you know," Uraraka told Kazuma as a carriage was brought around for them. "That was, perhaps, the single stupidest thing I have ever seen anyone do. Did you never take a physics class? Gravity and anti-gravity don't mix! I think that's actually how I ended up dying, because I used my quirk on Midoriya when he had on that contraption of Hatsume's!"
"I told you I was a NEET. I ditched school to play video games. Which means I know dick about physics, but I do know a lot about combo moves," Kazuma told her.
"Yeah, well, next time, warn us before you do something stupid. I'm just lucky Tokoyami realized what an idiot you were about to be and that Dark Shadow was quick enough to shield both of us," Uraraka told him. Then she smiled. "But, hey, at least we did live! And I guess we figured out something useful, anyway. You're not too bad, Kazuma. Even if you're a dumb pervert."
"And you're not too bad for a money grubbing killjoy," Kazuma said with a lecherous grin.
Uraraka rolled her eyes, but then held out a fist to Kazuma. After a moment, he tapped it. "We'll win this, Kazuma. Don't you worry. I'm not dying again."
"Yeah, trust me, it's not an experience you'd ever want to have. And don't get me started on that whole 'good death' nonsense. They all suck, trust me. I've died a dozen times and they were all painful and humiliating."
They met with Frederik and Denker in a private audience chamber, the Kaiser looking even more frazzled than before. "Well?" he demanded without preamble.
"So, I think we've come up with a way to put a serious dent in the Lord of the Tombs army," Kazuma said, then briefly explained the interaction between his Weight skill and Uraraka's quirk. "You people don't happen to have any mages that can do that sort of thing, do you?"
"No, if a lightening spell and a weight increasing spell are used on the same object, they will either cancel each other out, or the stronger spell will exert more of a force on the object," Denker said, stroking his long grey beard and furrowing his brow. "How is it that your spells interact in such a fashion?"
"Well shit, I don't know," Kazuma admitted.
"Maybe they operate on different principles, or maybe its the fact that one uses my quirk, and the other uses magic from a different world?" Uraraka suggested. "Perhaps two different kinds of magic were not meant to mix together."
"A blending of mortal and divine could indeed have unforeseen consequences," Denker agreed. "Though you should really consult a priest on such matters. Their spells are of a different origin than a magus'."
"Yeah? Do any of them know Turn Undead?" Kazuma asked, thinking of the skeleton knights from their arrival.
"Only the highest ranking clergy can perform such a spell, but they have been largely ineffective against our foes," Denker informed.
"Ugh, figures," Kazuma said, slumping into a chair uninvited. He looked out the window, rubbing at his aching head. He could heal most of his own wounds, but Lesser Heal wasn't nearly as effective as he'd like.
A thought occurred to Kazuma, and he pulled out a tube of rolled paper with a wax fuse in it. "Say, do you guys know anything about explosives?"
"Explosives? You mean, such as alchemical fire? We have some of that," Frederik told him. "It is difficult to manufacture though."
"Hmm, that could be useful. What about glycerin, sulfuric acid, and nitric acid? You know about those?" Kazuma prompted.
Uraraka's eyes went wide. "Oh my God, Kazuma. Are you going to try to teach them how to make dynamite?"
"What of salt peter, charcoal, and sulfur?" Tokoyami asked. "That would be useful."
"I do not know what it is you spoke of, Archmagnus Kazuma, but we have what Lord Tokoyami asked for. Saltpeter is used to cure meat, charcoal can be found in any fireplace, and sulfur is a component in many spells," Denker informed them.
A slow grin spread over Kazuma's face, and he rubbed his hands. "Well, then all we need is a bellfounder, and we can set to work."
"A bellfounder? What need of you for bells?" Frederik demanded, looking suspiciously at the stick of dynamite in Kazuma's hands.
"Well, let's just say, we're about to revolutionize warfare forever," Kazuma told him. "Come on, I bet I can use my smith skill to make some cannons and muskets."
Thus, over the next few weeks, Kazuma, Uraraka, and Tokoyami worked frantically to apply their knowledge of chemistry and modern inventions to create as many weapons as possible to fight the approaching army of the Lord of the Tomb. It took a few tries, mostly trying to remember the correct ratios and creating results worth using consistently, but Tokoyami and Uraraka managed to get a process going to create large quantities of crude gunpowder, which was useful in and of itself. This allowed for hundreds of simple bombs to be made, which they could toss at the enemy with siege weapons.
Kazuma quickly gave up on the musket idea, as after half a dozen prototypes he wasn't anywhere close to a workable weapon, and as Frederik pointed out crossbows were readily available and what his troops knew how to use. Cannon, on the other hand, proved to be relatively simple to make. They were crude muzzleloading smoothbore devices, but Kazuma already knew about bagged shot, and it wasn't hard to use his smith skill on a few bells to show what he needed.
It was a little harder figuring out how to aim and use the damn things, but upon seeing a cannon ball that weighed 10 kilos shot over a kilometer and caused a significant amount of destruction, Frederik all but declared Kazuma a national hero.
"This will give us a fighting chance against their monsters and sorcery!" Frederik proclaimed, smiling widely for the first time they had known the man, as he slapped Kazuma on the back enthusiastically. "Now, if only I had a hundred of them!"
Sadly, there were not that many bells nor that much bronze in the city, and the iron and steel cannons Kazuma tried to make tended burst from the heat of the blast, so he had to scale back on the idea. After a full month of production had passed, they had still managed to make twenty five cannons, thousands of shots, and even more bombs.
"Now, we just have to beat that army," Kazuma muttered, standing atop the walls and leaning on the parapet. It was night at the moment, but Kazuma could clearly see where the Lord of the Tombs approaching army was. It was actually hard to miss, with fires burning all across the horizon. Despite the many kilometers of distance between them and the city walls, the smoke was already filling the air, making it harder to breath. Or maybe that was just the anxiety of seeing a horde of monsters ready to pillage approach. Kazuma wasn't quite sure.
"We can do it, Kazuma. These weapons you and the others created, they are quite impressive," Darkness said, rubbing her hand along one of the cannons. It was a massive weapon, large enough that Kazuma could have crawled inside of the barrel, and they had needed to build a special platform specifically for it atop a mounted turret, as well as have Uraraka help raise it up using her quirk.
"Yeah. They'll certainly make a big boom," Kazuma chuckled. He grimaced. "Sort of wish I had a useless mage here to help me with that, right about now. Maybe it's best Megumin isn't here. She always was jealous of my own 'explosions.'"
Darkness came to stand over by Kazuma, her own expression growing solemn as she looked out at the line of destruction inching its way towards them. "Was this what it was like, in Belzerg as the army came near?"
Kazuma shivered, feeling an icy sense of dread in his stomach. "Yeah. Probably."
They looked out together for a time, looking at the end of the world as it approached. Kazuma sighed and shook his head. "Come on, lets get some rest. They're sure to attack soon."
They had just left the walls when a runner approached. "My lord, my lady, his grace the Kaiser requests you for a final briefing."
"What, another one? How many ways can we find to say 'point the shooties at them and fire?' Bah, fine, we'll go talk to Fred and see what he has to say," Kazuma complained.
They rode up to the citadel, where Uraraka and Tokoyami were already waiting.
"Come, final preparations are already underway," Tokoyami said.
Kazuma nodded, dismounting from his horse and handing over the reins. He was just about to step inside when alarm bells started to go off in his head as his Sense Foe Skill triggered.
"Woah, something's coming," Kazuma said, putting his hand on his sword. "Fast! And-holy shit, they're strong! Stronger than me!"
"Where?" Darkness demanded, drawing her sword and looking around.
"Dammit, they're stealthed, but-Flare!" Kazuma threw his hand up in the air, sending out a shining crimson marker that illuminated the courtyard. In the shadows at one side, four figures appeared. At first glance, they looked like normal servants, dressed in dark dresses with white frocks. But a closer look showed them to be just oh so slightly off. Their hair had a strange sheen, and their eyes glowed malevolently in the dim light. One of them was especially odd looking, with an eye patch and strange metallic skirt.
"We are revealed," the odd maid said in a dull monotone. As she raised her arm, Kazuma realized with a start she was holding a massive gun. "Kill them."
Kazuma hit the dirt as the robot maid thing opened fire. His horse screamed and went down in a spray of hot blood, and he heard Darkness cry out, though what she said was washed out by the lingering ringing from the bullet in the air. Kazuma jumped back to his feet, Chunchunmaru in his hands, but Darkness was advancing as bullets simply bounced off of her armor. She was bleeding from a few superficial wounds on her face. it relieved Kazuma's heart immensely as he watched a bullet simply impact her cheek; It simply bounced off, leaving behind only another minor cut.
"Thank God she put all her points in defense," Kazuma sighed. He looked to the side, then let out a cry of panic as another maid came at him, this one wielding a naginata. She slashed at Kazuma, but his Evasion skill allowed him to dodge, if only by a margin. He back peddled, parrying with Chunchunmaru and trying to get his footing.
"What the hell are you?" Kazuma cried as he desperately fought to get some distance, with his foe pressing him relentlessly.
"We are the Homunculi Maid Assassins of the Great Tomb!" the maid said in an all too chipper voice. "We bring service with a smile!"
"Oh great, this is going to ruin the maid fetish for me forever!" Kazuma ranted. "Freeze!"
The maid easily dodged Kazuma's bolt of magic, giggling as she stabbed at him. "This world has such weak magic users! No wonder our master was willing to send us after you, a mere level 20 squad is enough to beat all of you!"
"Ha! Shows what you know! I'm level 28!" Kazuma snapped.
That made his assailant pause. "Level 28? But, there are no levels in this world, and even with World Class Items, the king of this land was evaluated at no more than level 15."
The brief moment was all Kazuma needed. "Steal!" He felt the familiar feel of panties in his hand, and he mentally groaned. The one time he wanted his stupid skill to work.
"P-p-pervert! Only my master is allowed to treat me in such a manner!" the maid cried, and redoubled her efforts to kill him.
Despite his brag, the problem Kazuma had was that Adventurer was a really basic class, with low stat gains. The main advantage was that it had access to nearly unlimited skills, but it was generally terrible in combat. Kazuma had always had to rely on his creativity and his party members to defeat really strong foes, and he couldn't manage to think now to actually get in a good blow.
"Uraraka!"
The maid, expecting some strange spell, tensed up for a moment. She looked puzzled when Uraraka simply slapped her on the back before dancing away again. Before the maid could follow up on the strange happenstance however, she let out a cry of surprise as she suddenly floated off the ground. She failed her arms for a moment, trying desperately to find leverage to swing her weapon with.
Kazuma ducked away from the increasingly frantic swinging. "Get down! Weight!"
The hapless girl exploded in a blinding flash of light, the shockwave knocking Kazuma flat on his ass. He groaned, scrambling to his feet and looking over at Uraraka, her own foe dead on the cobblestones. The way the dead maid was lying in a crater made Kazuma think she'd fallen from a great height, which made sense. Uraraka was alright with a sword, but that quirk of hers had potential.
"Thanks," Kazuma said, and looked across the courtyard. Darkness was panting, her sword covered in blood as she stood over the robot maid. Her armor was dented and battered, but aside from that she looked fine. Well, actually, she looked orgasmic, but that was normal.
"Hey, nice work," Kazuma said, running over. Tokoyami had dealt with the last maid, Dark Shadow having overwhelmed his foe quickly.
"Thank you. It seems my sword skills have improved," Darkness said. "But be wary. She is not yet dead."
"System… malfunction… a-a-a-tempting… repairs…" the maid gasped, dark viscous fluid leaking from her mouth.
Kazuma knelt down in front of her, examining the assassin more closely. "I feel like I've seen her before, but I can't remember where," Kazuma said, shaking his head. "Did we fight her when we attacked the Lord of the Tomb before?"
"I do not recall fighting any maids," Darkness said. "Nor seeing such strange weapons. And yet, I cannot shake the feeling that I should know her. You, who are you?"
"Designation C-C-C-, error, access denied, in-in-insufficient credentials," the maid said in an electronic voice. "Initiating self-"
Darkness' fist slammed into the robot's head, which exploded in a fountain of gore and metallic parts. "An assassin of some sort, based on her stealth abilities," she said grimly, shaking her fist to get rid of the filth.
"Yeah. The other one, she said she was level 20. How strong was this one?" Kazuma asked, taking the battered gun from the corpse. It had a distinctive scifi look to it, and was made of gleaming silver metal. Unfortunately it was ruined now, though it looked powerful.
"I am not certain. Her attacks did reduce my HP, at least a little, and she damaged my adamantois armor. Perhaps as high as level 60?" Darkness guessed.
"Wait, if she's level 60, how high are you?" Uraraka asked, looking faintly ill and trying to hide it.
"I was the third highest level in our party, so level 69," Darkness explained. "However, my skills in defense were such that I was equivalent to someone of a much higher level, though there were few in Belzerg who were that powerful."
"Lord Kazuma! What has happened?"
Kazuma turned to see Frederik running, sword in hand, followed by a dozen knights and mages.
"Assasination attempt," Kazuma said, gesturing to the corpses. "Lucky we got here when we did. Well, luck has always been my best stat."
"Assassins? From the Lord of the Tomb?" Frederik asked, looking puzzled. "But why? Their armor is far superior to ours, what need have they for treachery and deception?"
"I don't know," Kazuma said slowly. "But… thinking back, it was kinda weird that those high level Death Knights and a lich showed up right when we did. The Lord of the Tomb… he always fought, I don't know, differently. It's almost like… almost like he's some sort of power gamer, who knows the strategies Adventurers would use. I remember his forces attacked Axel first, which was the town where Adventurers just started off. It seemed weird, the Devil King had always ignored low level threats, but this guy is different."
"Was not the Devil King someone summoned from Japan who defeated the previous Devil King?" Darkness asked. "Could not this Lord of the Tomb be the same way?"
"Maybe," Kazuma admitted. "Whoever he is, it seems like he's read the Evil Overlord list. He's not making many mistakes we could exploit. If Fred here got iced, that would really throw the defense into shambles."
"There is a chain of command," Frederik said with a shake of his head. But then he paled. "But, most of the lords and maguses with experience were gathered together this night to plan. If these assassins had struck and taken us all out…"
"Well, it didn't happen, so why worry about it?" Kazuma laughed. "See, we got this in the bag! Now, I think I'll just repair Darkness' armor, and get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow, we'll destroy the Tomb King's army, and start on beating up the bastard himself!"
That got a ragged cheer, and Kazuma smiled and waved, then walked away with his party.
"How bad is it?" Uraraka asked once they were a sufficient distance away.
"Bad. Really bad. If they've got a bunch of strong fighters like that to throw at us, we're in hot water," Kazuma said. "But those cannons might make the difference against that massive army out to knock our teeth in. Besides, don't worry. I'm the man with the plan. I'll think of something, no matter what happens." He had to.
"Do not fear. Kazuma always has a plan. We have faced countless foes stronger than us, and his plans always delivered us in the end," Darkness said, which seemed to reassure Uraraka and Tokoyami.
They didn't see the look that passed between Kazuma and Darkness. What about the time when his plan had gotten everyone killed?
Author's Note
And we're back! I'll be submitting future chapters that need to go through review further ahead of time, to avoid any future delays. Thanks for waiting.
Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2020
Chapter 11: So This is What Passes for Divinity NowBeta's and Edited by The Evil Within
Chapter 11: So This is What Passes For Divinity Now
[img: . ]
Just because gods exist is no call to go around believing in them. It only encourages 'em.
-Granny Weatherwax
"Presenting his Grace, Lord Midoriya Wolfsbane, and his Lady Hatsume of the Forge."
Izuku winced at being introduced as such, but Mei was leaning on his arm and looking around excitedly at the nobles that filled the great hall as they walked in. "Izuku! Do you think the king will like my babies? I wonder if he'll give me funding for a super cute workshop to build all day and night!"
"Um, maybe, but we should ask about that later," Izuku whispered to her.
"And, presenting for the first time, their most divine Graces, Lady Aqua, Goddess of Water and Archpriest of the Axis Church, and Her Dark Majesty Megumin, Archwizard the Crimson Demon Cult and Mistress of Explosions."
"Thank you, my adoring worshipers!" Aqua called behind Izuku. "I, Aqua, your goddess, am here to save you all!"
All around Izuku, noble in their finery knelt as Aqua and Megumin walked in. The Guildmages, however, struck ridiculous poses and cried, "Behold, she who will master Explosion, Lady Megumin!"
"Good grief," Izuku groaned. It was like watching a bad internet meme spread, only most of the people doing it where old enough they should have known better.
"They do look very silly, but it would be very rude to tell them and I think it would hurt Megumin's feelings again so we should be nice," Mei told Izuku.
"Yeah, sorry, you're right," Izuku sighed in agreement.
They walked down a plush purple and gold carpet leading through the grand hall, crystal chandeliers glowing with mage lights above them. The entire hall was made of dazzling white marble with gilded accents, and decorated with elaborate murals and wall hangings. At the end stood a raised dais, upon which stood an impressive throne carved from what appeared to be a single piece of ivory. And upon the throne sat an older man, looking somewhere just shy of 60, with a neatly trimmed white and grey beard, and a weathered face. He was dressed in shining golden armor, along with a feathered mantle of dark green. His crown was a simple golden circlet, set with a ruby at the center, glimmering in the light.
Izuku and Mei both went to bow, but were stopped when the king suddenly stood. "Lord Midoriya, Lady Hatsume, you bow to no one here. Tell me, are you indeed from another world?"
"Yep! We're from Japan! Are you from Earth too?" Mei asked.
Charles shook his head. "No, I was born here. Two centuries ago, my ancestor, Enji Yamamoto, was also sent to this world. With the blessing of the Goddess Psyche Dio and her husband, Saint Yeh, he-"
"That's not their names," Aqua pipped up, coming to stand by Izuku. "You're mispronouncing them. She's Sakido, and he's Seiya."
"Sakido? Doesn't that mean 'restart?'" Izuku asked.
"Hmph, yes," Aqua said, puffing her cheeks out. "Rista think's she's so smart. Changed her last name to Sakido when she married Seiya. He was from Japan too, you know. Now they're both gods and just completely insufferable."
The king blinked, taken aback by the apparent theological revelation. "I… I did not realize this. Your pardon, Lady Aqua."
"But I've got a super great deal for you today, King Charlie!" Aqua said, drawing out a familiar piece of paper. "If you convert now to the Axis Faith instead of whatever Rista's calling her church, I'll grant you one Scared Object as a bonus!"
"But if instead you convert to the Crimson Demon Cult, I will grant you the greatest of blessings, Explosion!" Megumin cackled, drawing out her own parchment and waving it about.
"Your pardon, goddesses. I shall, of course, offer you both offerings and prayers, but I am afraid that as ceremonial head of the New Religion in Royaume, I am afraid that I must decline. I have legalized your cults of course, and I am deeply grateful for your blessings upon this world, and for your very presence," King Charles said, bowing slightly.
"Hmph," Aqua sniffed. "Well, I guess I'll still save your land, since so many of my followers live here now. But you better build me a super cool temple, with lots of fountains! And it should be nicer than Rista's too."
"My church should meet in a dark catacomb, or perhaps in a hidden dungeon! And meet only at night, in secret, while wearing masks!" Megumin declared. "And there needs to be a secret password, and all our rituals should be super mysterious!"
The king blinked, a look of incredulity passing over his face, but he ultimately bowed. "Of course, as you will, goddesses. Now, as to why I requested your presence. A great army of goblinoids and undead are making their way towards our borders. They must be stopped before they ravage the land beyond repair. I ask for your aid in stopping them. Already, I am mustering my army, and shall ride forth in two days time to stop them. Your temples shall, of course, be given in gratitude for your aid."
"And I want a workshop! A big one, with lots of materials to make cute babies with Izuku!" Mei said eagerly. She held up her crossbow. "We could make you more like this! And armor like Midoriya's, I'll show you all how to make aluminum and generate electricity too! We could make lights, and all sorts of stuff!"
"Whatever you desire, Lady Hatsume. I have been told of your wondrous creations already. My alchemists and craftsmen shall provide all that you require." Then Charles turned to Izuku. "And you, Lord Midoriya, what is it you want? I can make your title far more than just a name, I would be willing to grant you a duchy, and all the incomes associated with it."
"Um, actually, I wasn't planning on staying," Izuku said, feeling nervous and shifting uneasily. Mei suddenly took his hand and squeezed it, smiling at Izuku, and he felt much more confident. Taking a deep breath, Izuku explained, "You see, when we defeat the Lord of the Tomb, I was going to ask Aqua to send Hatsume and I back to our own world. I, um, I have a promise I have to keep. I was given a great power by the greatest hero in our world, All Might. I promised to be the Symbol of Peace for our country, which has troubles of its own. I… I hope that doesn't disappoint you too much."
"I am saddened to hear you will not stay with us, but I understand. You seem to be a lord in your own land, and as such, you have a duty to fulfill. You are a man of honor. Still, I shall name you Lord Midoriya Wolfsbane in truth. Whatever you ask of the crown, if it is in my power, I shall grant."
"Thank you," Izuku said, blushing. "Um, actually, we're sort of tired, it was a long trip. Could we maybe eat and have somewhere to rest before we get ready to fight the Lord of the Tomb?"
"Of course! I had planned a great feast to honor your arrival, but perhaps now is not the time for frivolities," the king said. "Come, let us adjourn to my private dining room."
Aqua and Megumin turned out to be more interested in meeting with their followers than food for the moment, so Izuku and Mei ended up alone with the king and some servants in a small private chamber. Once the food was served, the king dismissed the servants, leaving them alone.
They chatted quietly over dinner, most of the conversation coming from the king asking Izuku and Mei questions about their homes and families. It felt strangely normal to have dinner with the ruler of an entire nation, as the king had taken off his crown and armor to dress in fine but simple clothes.
"It seems that your land is one full of wonders, but in the end, people are the same, I suppose. It does disturb me to hear of so many dangerous men, whom you call villains. Are there truly no monsters for humanity to face? Other races that vie for dominance?" the king asked.
"Nope, just people! Are there aliens here?" Mei asked curiously. "I've always wanted to go to space and find aliens! I wonder what sort of technology they have, what babies they can make!"
"There are indeed other races," the king nodded. "Goblinoids are the most common, though there are the fae as well to consider. Most of them have been long since driven from the lands of Men by heroes such as yourself, sent by the goddesses."
"Can I ask you something about the goddesses?" Izuku asked, and the king nodded. "Um, I don't mean to be offensive, I know it's your religion and all, but um, don't you think Aqua and Megumin are a bit… strange? Maybe, I don't know, silly?"
"Of course. They are goddesses. They are not like Men," the king replied as if it were obvious.
"But they do such weird stuff!" Mei laughed. "Like those silly poses, or the things Aqua says about love. Why do you listen to them so much?"
The king considered this for a moment. "In your land, many are born with great gifts, such as your incredible vision, Hatsume, and your strength, Midoriya, yes? Well, in these lands, men are not given such great powers. I would walk naked through the streets of my city if it meant I would be given the power to protect my people. Men have long required the aid of the gods to secure our place in this world. An odd dance is a small price to pay for the power to change the course of a battle, and paying homage to a deity, no matter how odd, gives priests the power to heal our sick."
"I… I guess that makes sense," Izuku admitted. It was hard to argue that Aqua and Megumin weren't powerful, or that they didn't bestow potent gifts. Izuku had been willing to put himself through an exhausting physical and mental hell for a year to get One For All. He definitely would have been willing to do a few ridiculous dances or pray to Aqua if it got him something similar. If he were honest, he had to pray to Aqua for something else already, and he hadn't even tried that yet…
"Well, this meal has been most enlightening, in many ways. I look forward to seeing you both during our planning sessions later. I am sure you will provide insight's we would not foresee. You may retire to your rooms, or partake in leisure about the palace and city for the evening." the king said, standing. "Thank you again, brave heroes, for coming to our aid."
It was still fairly early, so Izuku and Mei went about finding the palace smithy to work for a bit. On the way, however, they were ambushed by Aqua and Megumin, who were hurrying through the halls.
"Quick, you have to save us!" Aqua pleaded to Izuku, grabbing him and shaking his shoulder. "They won't stop!"
"What, who's there?" Izuku demanded, tapping into One For All and assuming a fighting stance. Ever since he'd officially joined the Axis Faith, it was becoming increasingly easier to channel the Quirk without tearing his muscles with every move. He could now afford to let his power flow through him with barely a thought now, though he still had to hold back most of the time while actually attacking, or risk serious injury.
"We'll blow 'em up!" Hatsume cackled, opening the jacket she wore to reveal half the dozen homemade explosives she had taken to carrying.
"No, no explosions!" Megumin ordered, speaking what was ordinarily blasphemy to her as she waved her hands frantically. "You can't blow up our followers!"
That brought Izuku up short. "Huh?" He looked down the hall, and could just make out voices coming their way.
"Please, goddesses, share more of your wisdom!"
"I must know, who will be the best wife for my son!"
"Tell us, what does the future hold!"
Izuku let out a soft groan as the pressure of One For All dissipated. "You're running from your own faithful?"
"At first it was nice and all, but they just. Won't. Stop! They're all asking dumb things, not even how to heal the sick or something important!" Aqua whined. "I just want somewhere to drink my bubbly and be left alone!"
"Half of them aren't even qualified to receive my blessing, and they keep demanding to know the significance of the poses and hand gestures I make! They won't even listen when I tell them it's just because it looks cool! Please, Midoriya, Hastsume, you have to rescue us! You're our champions, do your job!"
Mei and Izuku both gave the two blubbering goddesses flat looks, but then Mei nodded. "I guess we should help you or something, since you're our friends. You sure we can't just do a few explosions? That would scare them off I bet."
"No Explosions. Especially inside the castle we are currently invited in.," Izuku said firmly. "Come on, I have an idea." He led them through a few doors until he found a maid scurrying through the halls.
"Hey, do you know where they keep extra clothes for servants?" Izuku asked her.
"Um, yes, m'lord, but-"
"No time, quick, show us where it is!" Izuku told her.
With a squeak, the maid took them through a few side passages to a closet that contained fine clothes for important maids and butlers.
"No good, we need really simple clothes, like the stuff normal people wear," Izuku told her.
"Why do you-"
"Just do it, OK?!" Aqua cried. "Hurry, the nobles are catching up!"
The maid complied, taking them down a few stairs to the lower levels of the palace. "Um, these are mostly old clothes for scullery maids and stable boys, they're kept by the church to hand out to the poor but-"
"Perfect, thank you, it's just what we need. Don't tell anyone you showed us this, okay!" Izuku told the maid, and handed her some of the money Blois had given them.
"Izuku, what do you want with these rags?" Aqua asked, wrinkling her nose as the maid scurried off.
"Change into them. We can stash our old clothes in the laundry basket," Izuku explained quickly, taking off his own shirt to put on the stable boy wear. "We can go out looking like servants, and no one will notice."
"I do not think so, our hair is wrong," Mei observed. "I have been looking, and everyone has the same colors of hair here. Yellow, brown, and some black. No pink, or green, or blue!"
"I cannot be seen without my signature robes!" Megumin protested. "This is the look of a Crimson Demon, and-"
"Look, do you want to hide or not?" Izuku interrupted her. "Because if you go out in your hero costume, people are going to realize who you are. We can't do anything about your eyes, but if you wear a hood like us and keep it down no one will notice."
"Hero costume? Hmm, yes, it is very heroic. But I do want to just be alone for a while. Fine! But you better not look!" Megumin lectured.
"Why?" Mei asked, already having stripped out of most of her clothes.
Megumin glared at Mei. "Do you have no shame?! Showing off are you? It's not my fault I am an ageless immortal! If I grew up, my boobs would be just as big as yours! Besides, some guys like smaller women, I'll have you know!"
Mei looked down at her own rather ample assets, cocking her head to one side. "They are mostly a bother. They get in the way and if I do not wear the right underwear they hurt sometimes. Hmm, Izuku, what do you think?"
"I-I-I," Izuku stammered, trying hard to look away, but ultimately failing as Mei walked up to him, jiggling her chest and frowning. Thankfully she still had on her bra and undershirt, but it was still very distracting.
"That is not fair! He is your boyfriend, of course he will be biased in favor of big boobs!" Megumin snapped.
"Oh relax Megumin. Come on, we can change over here," Aqua said, grabbing the irate mage and dragging her over to another closet.
Mei watched them go, looking a bit puzzled. "Why does it matter? Everyone is different. Boobs are just a secondary sexual characteristic. Like big muscles for boys! I have muscles too, but they are not as big as yours. Hmm. I like your muscles though, does that mean you like my boobs?"
"Um, yes, er, very much," Izuku admitted, trying very hard not to stare. What would Hatsume think of him?
"Ah, I see. I really should have paid more attention in biology," Mei mused, then started getting dressed in the rough servants clothes.
"Didn't you, you know, start feeling different when you were in middle school?" Izuku asked, forcing himself into motion and putting on a pair of rough woolen trousers and over tunic. They were dyed in simple colors but ended up fitting surprisingly well. Mei had chosen what were obviously male clothes to Izuku's eyes; she apparently had an abject disdain for dresses despite the urgings of some of the servants to get her to try them.
"Well yes, but it was mostly annoying. Hari and mom helped me when my girl problems started. Do boys have something like that?" Mei asked.
Quickly, Izuku shook his head. "N-no, definitely not!"
"Really? Then why do you keep trying to hide your underwear in the morning?" Mei asked suspiciously.
Izuku bit back a reply. He did not want to talk about the unforeseen complications of sharing a bed with a very cute girl, especially since it made it very hard to relieve said pressure with Mei around all the time. The dreams were entertaining though. No, stop it! He had to focus.
"Let's just go see what Aqua and Megumin are up to," Izuku said, hurrying outside to avoid the topic.
As it turned out, the two troublesome goddesses were already changed, with both of them now wearing shawls pulled low to hide their hair and eyes. They were both dressed in simple dresses, Aqua somehow having found a blue one, while Megumin had picked out the darkest one she could find.
"So now what?" Mei asked.
"We go out and party!" Aqua declared. "I've got loads of cash from all the offerings, so we'll find an inn and enjoy ourselves!"
"I don't know if it's such a good idea to just go get drunk," Izuku said cautiously. "Besides, Hatsume and I are underage, and well, Megumin sort of looks, um-"
"If you say I look like a kid, I will personally ensure that a terrible misfortune falls upon your head," the mage growled.
"Bah, who cares, there's no drinking age here! Come on, we're going to go fight a war in a couple days, relax, have some fun while you can!" Aqua all but sang. "Let's go!"
So off they went. It was easy enough to get out of the palace, leaving through a servants gate by following some real servants out, and heading out into the larger city. Though it was growing dark as night fell, the streets were still busy and crowded with people who had just gotten off work. Sparse torches along select stone walls casting a mellow light upon the hustle and bustle. Aqua even got directions to an inn with a nice selection of drinks easily enough from a passing worker.
"Just down the street aways, the Pint and Pickle is a good tavern, excellent wine. Though I must ask, are you looking for rooms? Your features are quite foreign, are you refugees? We've been getting more and more of them, though thank the goddesses the devils are still far off from our walls."
"We're just here for a good time! Come on you guys, I want to try some new wines!" Aqua cheerily said.
It didn't take long for them to find the inn, which had a sign depicting a pickle sticking out of a mug of ale hanging out front. It was filled with people laughing and enjoying themselves, most of them looking like well off merchants, servants, or peasants who were there to enjoy themselves after a long day of labor.
"What can I get for you?" a serving boy asked them as Izuku's group sat at a table near the back.
"Four of your house drinks, and something greasy and tasty to eat!" Aqua ordered.
"And sweets! I already had dinner so I want some dessert!" Mei demanded.
"I can bring you four tankards of ale, two deniers each, and the food will cost you another ten."
"Sure, sure, bring it on!" Aqua laughed. "I'm flush with cash!" She dug out a couple of gold coins and gave them to the boy, who's eyes nearly bugged out on seeing them.
"Um, thank you, m'lady! I'll be back with your food!" the boy ran off immediately, and Izuku let out a groan.
"What?" Aqua asked, frowning at him.
"That's probably enough money to stay here for a week. You just gave him two francs, which are worth 12 argentum, and each argentum is worth 12 deniers. The food and drink was going to cost us 18 deniers, and you gave him the equivalent of 288."
"What?! I got ripped off! Hey, give me my change!" Aqua squawked, standing up and shaking her fist until Megumin jerked her back down.
"You start yelling about that, and it's going to draw attention," Megumin hissed. "Just forget about it. How many of those gold coins do you have, anyway?"
"I don't know, I stopped counting after the first hundred or so. I thought it was just like eris, so fairly worthless!" Aqua complained.
"Would it kill you to pay attention to money for once, Aqua?" Megumin sighed. "This is why the rest of us always had to keep your reward money: you'd always end up spending it on something stupid like a chicken egg."
"Emperor Zel was a dragon, he was just a small and fluffy one," Aqua grumbled under her breath, arms crossed.
Izuku looked at Megumin, who grinned and shook her head. "She spent millions on a dumb chicken egg. He made a nice mana battery though."
Before Aqua could protest, the boy hurried back with a platter of fried chicken, sweet roles, honeyed fruit, and bread pudding.
"Be back with the drinks, m'lady!" he panted, and turned to go, but Megumin put his hand on his shoulder. He spun, looking guilty.
"Hey. None of that. We're just normal customers, OK? But keep the drinks coming, and we won't ask for any money back."
"Of course, m'-I mean, yes, miss," the boy agreed. Megumin removed her hand and the boy sprinted back, returning with four ales and a bottle of wine.
"Here you go, if you need more just wave and I'll-" he paused, gaping as Aqua upended a mug, draining it in seconds, before slamming it back down with a massive grin.
She did the same with each of the rest, then let out a great belch before she laughed. "That was good! Something for my friends too, this bottle is all mine! Come to mama, sweetie, I've missed you!"
"Um, I'll be back with more ale and wine," the boy promised. "Sheesh. Maybe you didn't overpay…"
Izuku wasn't that hungry, but he still picked at the candied fruit simply to not drink on an empty stomach, while he watched in amusement as Aqua proceeded to guzzle the wine straight from the bottle. "Have you always been an alcoholic?"
"Pfff, I'm a goddess, I can't actually get alcohol poisoning," Aqua said, smacking her lips in satisfaction. "Plus, I'm a goddess of water! This stuff comes naturally to me."
"Won't you have to pee a bunch?" Mei asked curiously.
"No! Goddesses do not go pee!" Aqua ranted.
"Um, I've been meaning to ask you about that," Megumin said. "'Cause, um, it's been a while, and I haven't had to you… you know… go."
"Our divine bodies convert everything into pure energy!" Aqua declared. "We never have to go pee or anything else that gross mortals do."
"Oh. I mean, I don't miss it, but it's kinda weird. I always thought you were making that stuff up to be honest. It made sense in the divine realm, but when I first came back here I had to, you know, go. But ever since I've gotten more followers, um, I haven't… you know. Felt the call of nature."
"That does not make any sense! You should still have to excrete some form of waste!" Hastume objected. "Your body can't possibly process everything you put into it!"
"Nah, it totally does. I don't even have to get drunk if I don't really want to, I just like how it feels," Aqua told them. "Slumming it with mortals is actually pretty fun, so I let myself experience things like getting tired and sleeping, or eating and stuff, but I don't have to do it. Prayers and offerings are enough to sustain us goddesses."
"Is that why your anatomy is so weird?" Megumin asked. "You look like a doll in the bath. I always wondered about that but I didn't want to ask…"
"Hey, let's talk about literally anything else!" Izuku cried desperately.
"Yes! Enough of that, let me tell you about the super cute babies I have been making," Hatsume said.
They ended up talking for several hours, and Izuku ended up ingesting enough ale to leave a faint warm feeling pulsing throughout his body. He might have also ended up going on a long rant about the superiority of various All Might Product lines and why the American Years All Might line of figures in particular were the best, but the others seemed happy enough to listen. They all ended up talking about their own hobbies after that.
Aqua, to no one's surprise, loved drinking and partying, but she turned out to also enjoy exploring new places and had an insatiable curiosity when it came to new experiences. She was also an accomplished artist in a dozen fields, and ended up performing a complicated song and dance atop their table that had the inn cheering for more. She went on to perform an impromptu shadow puppet routine that had the entire inn laughing hysterically and sobbing by turns, each line more slurred than the last.
Megumin's interests extended far beyond explosions and funny poses. She talked excitedly about several dozen games that Izuku had never heard of, explaining the importance of different stats and builds and how to min/max your character for maximum damage output. She was also a big fan of cute things, especially cats and Hello Kitty in particular, having discovered the brand while in the Divine Realm.
In contrast, Mei and Izuku's interests were somewhat narrow. Izuku only cared about heroes, and All Might in particular, while Mei loved inventing and building things.
"Eh, don't worry about it, as you get older you'll discover more things you enjoy," Megumin told them. "I used to only love Explosion magic, but there's more to life than that, even if Explosion is still the greatest thing ever."
"It is very fun, but I like making babies more," Mei declared.
"I'm sure Izuku does too," Megumin deadpanned, which caused him to choke on his drink. Mei had to pound his back while Megumin cackled at her pun.
"Alright, thash enough here," Aqua said, staggering back to their table. "Come on, hic, we've… we've jusht got shtarted! Letsh move this party on!"
"Yeah, fine, you look like you've had enough anyway," Izuku sighed. The rest of the inn was sad to see Aqua go, having rather enjoyed her antics, but Izuku noticed a few people in clergy robes had entered and were looking about.
"Crap, you guys have drawn notice!" Izuku said. He caught the serving boy. "Hey, is there a back way out? My friend, um, she's not doing too good."
"Huh? Oh, sure, for you, no problem! This way." The boy led them out a back door, Megumin having to support a staggering Aqua. When they got outside, Aqua ended up vomiting into a pile of trash. That got the serving boys attention, as it came out as a sweet smelling rainbow.
"You really are her, aren't you?" the boy whispered. "You're the goddess, Aqua! I knew someone so kind and beautiful had to be a goddess!"
"Thatsh right, hic. Don't… don't go tellin' no body," Aqua said, wiping her mouth with her hand and only succeeding in clearinging the right side.
The boy nodded with awe, then shifted on his feet uneasily. "Can you really heal people, like they say?"
"Yesh. I am an-hic-expert at healing," Aqua said, waving grandly. Then she puked again.
"Um, could you… could you heal my dad? He came back from the fighting, but he's hurt. Lost his leg. He can't work no more…"
"Of coursh! But… are you one of my-hic-worshipers?" Aqua demanded.
The boy nodded vigorously, and pulled out a crude amulet shaped like a waterwheel. "We're Axis church members! Please, it's not very far, you have to come help!"
"I thought we didn't want to draw attention," Mei said, looking uncertain.
"Bah! It'll be fine. Beshides, hic, he brought me the GOOD shtuff. Thasha Mirical earnin! Lead the way, kid!" Aqua ordered, before drunkenly stumbling off after him.
The boy led them a few blocks down the dark streets to a less orderly looking part of town, the area showing signs of age and lack of maintenance compared to the main street. There were large tenement buildings, which were completely back in the night, as the residents could afford to waste candles.
"We, um, we live up at the top," the boy admitted. "It's a long climb in the dark, but I have a candle."
"Don't shweat it," Aqua told him. "Holy Light!" A small glowing blue orb appeared in Aqua's hands. "Lead the way!"
They hadn't gone far up the stairs before Izuku heard the sound of a wet cough, and a crying baby. The boy wrinkled his face. "Lots of baby's sick. The grip's been going through. I hope my baby sister doesn't get it, people are worried their babies are gonna die."
That seemed to get Aqua's attention. "What? No little baby's are dying on my watch!"
Without warning, she barged into the nearest room, causing an immediate uproar.
"Get the hell out, I'm warning you, I've got a knife!" a man bellowed.
"Oh shut up," Aqua snapped. "Your baby's sick!" She threw off her hood, and in the light emanating from her hand, the room was bathed in an ethereal glow. The man paused, lowering his weapon.
"Who are-?"
Aqua shoved him aside, stepping over to the cowering woman who was clutching her child close.
"Pff. They want me to tell them holy words and stuff? Well here's one you dumb nobles, get off your asses and use my gifts to heal people! Sheesh!" Aqua ranted, her earlier inebriation apparently having vanished. "Cure Disease!"
The wailing baby suddenly quieted, it's cough gone, and Aqua nodded, rolling up the sleeves on her dress. "Right, where's the next one?"
"Goddess?" the man gasped, falling to his knees. "Are you really..?"
"Yes, yes, I'm Aqua, Goddess of Water, blah blah. You can thank me by going to my shrines and praying once in a while. Now hurry up, who else has a sick kid?" Aqua demanded, planting her hands on her hips.
"Come on," Megumin said, tugging on Izuku's sleeve. "Let's go wait outside. When she gets like this, it can take hours, or even days before she calms down again."
"What do you mean?" Izuku asked, following Megumin back down the stairs.
Megumin sighed. "I've seen her manifest like this before. She doesn't do it very often, she's really quite lazy. But if her followers bug her enough she'll go on a spree and cure an entire city before she calms down again. Then she yells at her priests for a while, then gets drunk and passes out. The only reason she never did it in Belzerg is because they had enough clerics to keep people mostly healthy. For some reason, seeing sick humans in particular really pisses her off."
"Can you help heal people too?" Mei asked, curious.
Meguman shrugged and shook her head. "Unless the cure is more Explosions, I can't really do anything for you. I'm not a healing goddess you know."
They ended up going to sit outside as shouting and lights began to fill the tenement. Izuku could hear Aqua making her way through the building, shouting out "Heal!" and "Cure Disease!" Other people from nearby buildings began to come out, complaining about the noise, but they were quickly silenced, when those Aqua had healed began to spill out.
"The Goddess Aqua, she's here!"
"She cured my baby!"
"She healed my foot!"
"She came, to us, she cares, she really cares!"
Before long, there was a huge, noisy crowd rejoicing outside of the building, clamoring for Aqua and her healing graces.
"What?!" Aqua demanded, sticking her head out of a window on the fourth floor. "Dammit, I'll be down when I'm done! Midoriya! Keep them from rushing in, someone's going to get hurt and I am not healing people for being dumb, you understand me?! Now everybody shut up and let me work!"
With a sigh, Izuku went over to the door, blocking the passageway. "Please, everyone, just form an orderly line! Those with injuries or sickness, please wait on the right. Those who merely want to see the goddess, you can please group up on the left."
"Who're you?" someone shouted. "Why should we listen to you!"
"Wait, that's Lord Wolfsbane, the goddesses champion!"
"Please, help us Lord Wolfsbane, my daughter has the grip!"
Izuku felt panicked, taking half a step back as people pressed close to him. Then there was a deafening bang, and people let out cries of alarm.
"You are all being very rude! You should listen to Izuku! He said go to the right if you are sick, left if you are not! No, his right, pay attention! Stop being dumb!" Hatsume lectured as she began to push people into line. "Don't make me use another one of my babies to get your attention, the next one won't just be a flashbang!"
"You should do what they say," Megumin said, coming to stand by Izuku. "Aqua's going to be a while, but she'll come back, don't worry. Just make sure you have some drinks or something, she gets thirsty and bored really quickly."
"It's the Goddess Megumin!"
"The Dark Lady who can destroy armies at a word!"
That finally got everyone's attention, and with some mild jostling and grumbling, everyone got into a semblance of lines.
"What's all this then?" a guardsman called, hurrying over with a torch. "What the devil are you people doing out of bed so late? Is there a fire?"
"It's the goddesses! They've come to grant us their blessings!"
The guardsman blinked, then looked up at Izuku. "Good gods, Lord Midoriya? They've been looking for you everywhere!"
"Um, hi," Izuku said, waving lamely. "We, er, are on a holy mission?"
The guardsman nodded. "I suppose so. Don't fret milord, the city watch will keep order from here."
Which was how Izuku ended up spending the night in the city slums. After another hour of the city watch coming to investigate, a group of clergy also showed up, which caused Aqua to harangue them for a solid ten minutes.
"How can you claim to be part of my priesthood if you're just sitting on your lazy asses! The Axis cult gets shit DONE, do you understand me?! Now you fat fuckers get out there and start healing the sick, or so help me I'll remove your blessings and have Megumin curse you all!" she finished after a long and increasingly profane rant.
"I only know one curse," Megumin growled. "And it is the Curse of Explosion! You are not moving, so I shall begin. Darkness, blacker than night, crimson redder than blood, heed my call and-"
The archbishops, high priests, and other high church officials broke into a run, scattering throughout the slums and beginning to hand out free healings to those in need.
"Lord Midoriya?"
Izuku looked up to see Count Blois looking at him worriedly. "Are you well?"
"Um, yeah, sorry, just kinda tired," Izuku yawned. Mei was snoring on his shoulder, having fallen asleep nearly an hour ago. Izuku didn't know the time, but he figured it had to be close to dawn.
"Come on then, lad. The goddesses might not need sleep, but you do. Come, we've a carriage for you."
Izuku didn't remember much after that, but the next thing he knew, he was in bed with Hatsume. A part of him wondered if that was proper, but the other half affirmed something for him: Her boobs really were pretty great.
Last edited by a moderator: Jun 8, 2020
Chapter 12: Kadzuma the GreatBeta'd and Edited by The Evil Within
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Chapter 12: Kadzuma the Great
A boy takes his girlfriend to a dance. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
-This Chapter
Deafening explosions rent the air, and for a moment, Kazuma felt slightly nostalgic. He shook that off though, grimacing and scratching at his ears; he'd put wax in them, as he'd told all the gunners to do, but still, the thunder of the cannon was ear-piercing.
The gunnery was pretty crude, and the rate of fire was probably abysmal by normal standards, but the guns were still tearing huge chunks into the advancing army of goblinoids and undead. However, the enemy army just kept pressing forward, more bodies simply filling their place as they trampled over the fallen without care. Kazuma knew soon they would be up the walls. What to do then, he hadn't figured out yet.
"Jealous, Megumin? I've made a bigger boom than you now," Kazuma chuckled. He stepped up onto the parapet, posing with one hand pointing skyward, and the other making a V sign towards the foe. "Firepower, greater than the gods, raining terror down upon our foes! Witness now the might of I, Kazuma, slayer of Devil Kings and NEET extraordinaire!"
That was when Kazuma saw a fireball rising up out of the enemy army, barreling right towards him. He let out a cry and tried to scramble back, only to have a firm hand grab and yank him away as it collided where he had been standing. Darkness let out a grunt as the missile impacted her, and Kazuma let out a squeak as she crushed the air from his lungs with her shielding embrace.
"Thank you," he gasped.
"Do not be so foolish, Kazuma. This is a battle, not a stage play," Darkness told him, setting him down on the stone of the walkway. She drew her sword. "Mages! Standby to defend the cannons! They are in range! If we lose the cannon now, victory will slip through our grasp!"
Magical barriers were quickly erected around the cannons just as more fireballs and missiles impacted them. Kazuma watched them connect, then swore. "Dammit! They're just breaking through! It's like they're not even there!"
Darkness' suddenly rushed over, grabbing Kazuma and tackling him off the parapet. He let out a cry of panic, only to watch as lightning struck where he had been standing as they fell.
"Levitate!"
Kazuma gently floated to the ground, landing gently on the cobblestones. Uraraka and Tokoyami ran up, looking panicked.
"They're taking out the cannons with their own mages! They're too strong!" Uraraka said. "Kazuma, we have to do something to protect those cannons!"
"Yeah, I get that," Kazuma said, grunting as Darkness got off of him and helped him up. He looked at Tokoyami. "You willing to try to do something crazy?"
"We shall have to try something insane to beat this army," Tokoyami told him. "I am willing. The smoke and dust in the air shall aid me somewhat."
"Ok then. Here's the plan," Kazuma pointed behind him. "We need to take out those mages. They're pounding us, and even with the cannons we don't really have shit we can do against the sheer numbers of them. All the magic users on our side are too low level to do anything against them either attack or defense wise as well. Which… leaves us."
His three companions nodded seriously, and Kazuma sighed heavily. "The plan is, we launch Darkness and Tokoyami into the midst of them. You two take out as many as you can. Uraraka, you and I, well, ever played Counter Strike?"
"Um, no? Is that a video game?" Uraraka asked, confused at the reference.
"Yeah, well, never mind. We're going to go plant a bomb while Tokoyami and Darkness distract everyone. We make for the middle of the army, plant our bomb, and run like hell. Got it?"
"How do we do that?" Uraraka asked.
Kazuma smiled. "Simple. We drop it on them."
"Hey," Kazuma said, grabbing Tokoyami's arm as Darkness and Uraraka ran off to prepare. "Do something for me, alright?"
"She will be fine," Tokoyami told Kazuma with a tight grin.
"Yeah! He's not gonna let her die until he taps that ass!" Dark Shadow squawked.
Kazuma gave the quirk a flat look, then sighed. "Look, she's my best friend. We've been through hell together. I know she can take care of herself, but… I don't want to see her die again, alright?"
"You have my word. We will defeat this army, and live to tell the tale," Tokoyami assured Kazuma. "You just do the same for Uraraka."
"Yeah, don't worry, if she dies I'm screwed anyway, so I plan on keeping her healthy. Let's do this."
They climbed to the top of the wall, where frantic soldiers were still trying to fire arrows or man the few remaining cannons, while mages were attempting to either erect magical barriers or fire off spells back at the foe between volleys. Below them surged a wave of howling goblins and undead, uncountable thousands, barely being phased by the efforts above. Kazuma swallowed hard, then nodded to Uraraka. "Do it."
"Good luck you two!" Uraraka said, then touched Darkness and Tokoyami with her hands.
"Oh, I cannot wait," Darkness squealed, then ran forward, leaping into the air.
"Gust!" Kazuma cried, and his magic sent the two weightless heros flying towards the nearest cluster of enemy mages. When they were close to the ground, Uraraka cried, "Release!" and the two of them crashed into the enemy. Soon, Darkness was cleaving her way forward, the enemy's spells seemingly absorbed by her armor, while Dark Shadow ripped apart the enemy ranks with sweeping claws and a now razor sharp beak.
"She really is getting good with that sword," Kazuma mused. "Alright, how do we do this?"
"Jump on," Uraraka told him, patting her back.
Kazuma eyed her. "What, you don't want to go for a ride on me?"
"Let's just not argue, alright? Besides, if you're upfront, I might just upchuck on you," Uraraka told him.
"Fine." Kazuma climbed on Uraraka, feeling a bit awkward. She touched him, and he felt like he was floating in water. "Lurk."
Using his wind magic, Kazuma navigated them over the battlefield. He took out a cannon ball when they were out over the battlefield, passing it to Uraraka for her to touch, then hurling it downwards.
Once the ball floated down far enough, Kazuma pointed and cried, "Weight!"
The blast sent the two of them careening through the air, but after a minute of being blown about, Kazuma managed to right them with a few well timed gusts of wind.
"Oh my God. I thought I was going to be the one to upchuck," Uraraka sighed, wiping some of the vomit out of her hair.
"S-sorry," Kazuma groaned. "I could wash it off for you…"
"Save the MP. Come on, let's go," Uraraka told him.
They repeated the trick three more times, annihilating the enemy mages and a significant portion of the army each time, which was finally beginning to show signs of damage.
"That's most of them. Let's check on Darkness and Tokoyami!" Kazuma called down.
"Right!" Uraraka agreed, and they glided towards the section of the battlefield they had left their friends. They hadn't gone far however, before they saw lightning flashing through the sky, raking the ground below them.
"Shit, looks like they found the boss," Kazuma hissed. "Gust!"
Sure enough, below them Kazuma spied a flying mage of some sort, blasting the ground with Lightning. Darkness was weathering the attacks, but she was crying out more in pain than pleasure now. Tokoyami was dodging most of the blasts, but both were helpless against the flying opponent, who was staying well out of even Dark Shadow's range, the luminescence of the Lightning hindering him even more..
"We're only gonna get one shot at this," Kazuma told Uraraka. "We've got to bring her down before she notices we're here!"
"Right, sure. How do we do that?" Uraraka asked Kazuma.
Kazuma took a deep breath. "You're going to have to toss me. Weight is a short range spell."
"Alright, you sure?" Uraraka asked him.
Kazuma sighed. "No. But we have to do it anyway. Darkness looks like she can't take much more of that."
"Right. Okay, here goes!" Uraraka grabbed Kazuma off her shoulders, then spun him about in the air. "Release!"
Kazuma flew through the air, hurtling towards the flying mage. At the last moment, she spun, glaring at him, her dark eyes screaming with malevolence. She raised a hand that crackled with lightning, but Kazuma was in range now.
"Weight!" he cried, just as the lightning struck him. He cried out in pain as the voltage ran through him, was barely still conscious as he tumbled out of the sky.
He landed on something soft though thankfully, and blinked as he saw Darkness cradling him. He couldn't hear, and when he touched his ears, blood and melted wax came out on his hand.
"L-Lesser Heal," he coughed. Immediately his hearing returned, and he winced at the din of the battlefield.
"Don't you dare die on me!" Darkness was sobbing. "Kazuma!"
"So, we have found you at last. I assume it was you who slew my sisters?"
Darkness dropped Kazuma, spinning about to face the mage as she approached them. She too was wearing a maid outfit, and though her bodice was shaped of metal, Kazuma got the impression she wasn't a robot like the last one.
"I'll rip you to pieces!" Darkness snarled, charging forward.
"Dragon Lightning." A roaring dragon's head made of electricity smashed into Darkness, arching over her metal armor. Darkness cried out in agony and ecstasy, shuddering and dropping to one knee.
"Pathetic. I thought you were supposed to be your world's strongest warrior. Well, we did kill you once before, Lalatina Ford Dustiness. I killed your father myself. Squeezed the life from him when it was clear he knew not where that Axis bitch was."
"Rrraraagghghhh!" Darkness surged forward, her sword forgotten, her eyes wild with fury as she tried to charge the mage directly.
"Dimensional Move."
Darkness stumbled through empty air, and as she spun another burst of lightning struck her.
"You humans always succeed in disgusting me. I do not know why my Master insists on leaving any of you alive at all. The worlds would be better off without you scuttling about like infestations." the mage said.
Kazuma kept one eye open, watching her. She'd just teleported. She'd also canceled his Weight spell, he could feel it.
Tokoyami charged in, but the mage simply raised a hand, conjuring a great burst of light. Tokoyami reeled, and Dark Shadow vanished like the morning mist.
"Fool. Why do you fight for these humans? What are you, a birdman? No, you have no wings. Some sort of race unique to this world then?"
"I am… I am Fumikage… Tokoyami," the boy coughed. Standing and drawing his sword. "I shall be your end!"
The mage tisked. "Japanese? So many of you fools from that land. Best if you die like the others. Magic Arrow."
Darkness managed to jump in the way at the last moment, stifling a moan and collapsing to the ground.
"Do you enjoy it, the pain?" the mage asked, smiling maliciously. "I remember you being a disgusting masochist. Shall I do it again?"
"I can… take… anything… you… have… bitch," Darkness panted harshly, rising and taking one shaky step forward after another, her fists weakly raised.
"Really? Let us see," The mage mused, a vicious grin on her face.
"Lurk," Kazuma whispered. He got up shakily, watching the sky. Yes. It was time. He charged forward, keeping his angle of attack just right.
At the last moment, the mage teleported again.
"That won't work again, Sato Kazuma," she taunted. "You may have bested some of my sisters, but in the end, it matters not. So long as we fulfill the wishes of my master, we-"
Kazuma gritted his teeth as Uraraka dropped out of the sky. He had to make this work. The mage stepped aside as Uraraka's fingers brushed her, and Kazuma, pointed a hand at her. "Stone Skin! Fortitude!" He took a deep breath, crossing his fingers. Uraraka scrambled away from the mage, activating her quirk on herself. Kazuma pointed to the mage, who was off balance from the loss of gravity. "Weight!"
The blast was blinding, but Kazuma closed his eyes, jumping up and grabbing Uraraka as the shockwave sent her flying. He put his hand on her chest, groaning, "Lesser Heal!"
She gasped, her eyes popping open. "Thanks."
Kazuma didn't answer, setting Uraraka down and instead running over to Darkness. "Lesser Heal! Lesser Heal! Lesser Heal!"
"That… that is enough," Darkness said, managing again to stand. "See to Tokoyami as well."
"Right." Kazuma agreed, now putting his hands on Tokoyami. "Lesser Heal!"
"Nng. Thank you. I only wish you could do the same for Dark Shadow," Tokoyami grunted out, managing to move to a crouching position.
"Well, at least it looks like we got all the mages," Uraraka said, looking around, before turning back to the crater now behind them.. "And the boss."
Kazuma smiled, looking around the battlefield. "Yeah. Not bad. I guess we-"
A hunting horn blared from nearby. Kazuma spun wildly to see what looked like a human girl with blonde hair and brown eyes blowing on a horn no bigger than her hand.
"You killed her!" the girl cried, lowering the horn. "How many of them have you killed, you bastard!? She was my friend!"
"I mean, she said she hated all humans," Kazuma said, shrugging. "Don't see why you're so upset."
"I am no longer a human! I cast that aside, thanks to my Master! Now, I am a goblin!" the girl snapped. "And my soldiers will make you pay!"
All around Kazuma's party, white mist arose, which condensed into hundreds of fresh goblin troops. There were goblins riding wolves, goblins in heavy armor, goblin archers, and, of course, more goblin mages.
"Oh shit," Kazuma groaned. He sighed. "Sorry, Darkness."
"It is alright," she said, picking up her sword and gripping it in both hands. "We will stand together, Kazuma. We will find a way out, somehow."
"You will," Kazuma agreed, and he jumped on Darknesses back. "Drain Touch."
"Kazuma!" Darkness flailed her arms, trying to shake Kazuma off. "What, I… I don't… ugh…" Darkness sank down to the ground, too weak to rise.
"Sorry. I just can't do it again," Kazuma whispered, gently smoothing the hair away from Darkness' forehead. "Uraraka! Levitate this!" He ordered, and handed the girl a large rock.
"Um, Ok, but what-"
"Then get you three out of here," Kazuma said grimly. "I'll have to take out that girl with the horn. It's the only way."
"What?" Tokoyami gasped. "You can't be-"
"Dark Shadow is down for the count. Darkness had almost no HP left, and Uraraka and me can't fight all these guys off. Get out of here," he ordered.
"Kazuma, what are you-" Uraraka swallowed, touching the rock. She handed it back, then grabbed Darkness and Tokoyami. "Thank you. Good luck."
"Yeah, well, just win this one for me, OK?" Kazuma said. "Gust!"
Uraraka dragged the unconscious Darkness and struggling Tokoyami off through the sky. Kazuma tucked the rock under his arm, and drew Chunchumaru. "Well. Guess it's time to see how lucky I am."
He charged the goblins, evading most of the attacks, but not quite all. Still, they were just goblins. Most of them were below level 20, and Kazuma's skills meant he carved through them with ease, using his sword and more than a bit of luck. He dashed and dodged, never staying put. He had to heal himself a couple times, but he used Drain Touch to get back HP and MP where he could, but blood spattered his torn leathers. He gritted his teeth, and pressed on. He closed in on the girl, and smiled to himself. He leapt into the air, holding aloft the rock.
"EXPLOSION!" he screamed.
And the earth shook and rent asunder at his landing.
Author's Note
Shit, there was supposed to be a joke.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
Anyway, on an unrelated note, we're drawing near to the conclusion of what I have dubbed "Season 1" of the story. It's been a lot of fun to write and share with you, and even to make some ludicrous "memes" to go with the chapters. After Season 1, I'm going to be taking a break from this story so I can edit and revise Season 2, and also work on some other projects of mine. Namely, Rejected Stones, and a new story I'll be putting out soon called "Kazuma Sato: HERO OF BELZERG." But don't worry, this story isn't canceled or dead, just taking a break for a month. Even I need to recharge every once in a while.
During the break, I'm going to post one chapter I've dubbed the "OVA" as a break between season 1 and 2. This bonus chapter will feature the cast of one of the other members of Isekai Quartet. You can vote on which you'd like to see the most in a poll I've put in this thread. The winner will be posted during my little break. Note that I do have to write the thing, so I'm closing the poll a day after the last chapter of season 1 is posted so I have time to write and revise.
Some may notice a conspicuous absence, namely that of Shield Hero. There is a reason for that: I do not like Shield Hero. I don't feel like I could do the fans of that universe justice because I'm not a fan of the source material myself. As such, it's not an option (though you can safely assume Naofumi and co will show up at some point, just as cameos).
Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2020
Chapter 13: Play of the GameBeta'd and Edited by The Evil Within
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Chapter 13: Play of the Game
Sometimes rank is a function of firepower.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Nervously, Izuku patted his horse. "Easy there, boy. It's alright."
The horse snorted, shaking its head and shying slightly at the smell that was born on the wind. Izuku wrinkled his nose himself. The stench on the wind was unnatural, like that of an open tomb. The army that was coming towards them was barely worthy of the name. It was more a collection of monstrous insects and undead abominations that blighted and poisoned the land as they moved as a skittering tide of flesh. Izuku could see massive dung beetles over two stories tall, striding forward on dark carapace legs and leaving trails of decay, while overhead flew enormous rotting dragons on putrescent wings.
"This will be our end," Count Blois said, looking out at the approaching army, his face pale. "What madness is this? How can we hope to triumph against such odds?"
"Hey, don't worry about it, my babies and explosions will destroy them all!" Mei declared.
Blois swallowed, then nodded hesitantly back to her. "I fear I was overcome for a moment, Lady Hatsume. My apologies."
"They do look scary, but don't worry, Izuku is really strong!" Mei said. "He can punch all those bad guys super hard. Plus, I made him new babies with Aqua's help, so he's going to be extra tough!"
Blushing, Izuku looked down at his new armor yet again, fighting not to fidget as he was showcased. Aqua and Hatsume had worked together over the past week and a half to make a special set of what amounted to a flexible kevlar equivalent, alongside a titanium reinforced body suit, fitted with extra plating on the lower arms and hands, and thicker pieces along the shins and feet. These allowed Izuku to both move quickly and finally gave him a weapon that could keep up with him and the outrageous forces he subjected himself to.
Hopefully, at least. Aqua also said that it had some kind special properties, being blessed by two Goddesses (Megumin having blessed it as well, though that sort of worried Izuku as he thought it might explode if he hit something) and was now about equivalent to a Sacred Tool of the highest order. Or at least it was by Megumin's reckoning.
It also had special grooves fitted into the finger joints, so that Izuku could fire off blasts of air by flicking his fingers without breaking the gauntlet itself. Aqua's primary contribution was that it provided continuous healing to him, fixing minor wounds in seconds and repairing broken bones in minutes.
The only drawback Izuku could really notice was that injuries took longer to heal the farther from the central armor pieces they were. Megumin's addition seemed to be that when he punched something, there was a random chance of it triggering an explosive blast, though it was sometimes hard to tell if it was the gauntlets causing the explosion or simply the force Izuku was using. Izuku had also tried testing it, but finding a solid figure on just what the actual percent chance was eluded him.
"Obviously, it won't trigger if you're just punching a dummy!" Megumin had informed him after it had taken nearly an hour of Izuku beating on a training mannequin to get a single blast. "It only works when it's appropriately dramatic! You also need to shout out something cool. Not just 'smash' or whatever, but a real special technique name! Like, 'Fist of Justice!' or 'Exploding Fist Technique!' That's how Crimson Demon Magic works!"
"Okay… I'll test that out now then," Izuku muttered, looking down at his gauntlet and flexing it into a tight fist.
"Not just yet!"
Izuku turned to see a grinning Megumin leading forward a line of mages dressed in dark robes, wearing what looked like painted oni masks.
"It's time to show you what my Crimson Demons can do!" the erratic proto-goddess bragged. "Now, begin the sacred chant!"
The mages joined hands, and began to skip forward, singing in a cheery tone, "Bakuretsu, bakuretsu la la la! Bakuretsu, bakuretsu la la la!"
"Oh my God," Izuku groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "You can't be serious."
He felt a tug on his leg to see a grinning Mei looking up at him. "Come on! Let's sing too!"
Feeling foolish now, Izuku climbed down off his horse, and took Mei's hand. They began to skip forward in time to the beat, Mei cheerily singing the nonsense lyrics, which was just explosions repeated over and over again. After a moment, the absurdity of the situation made Izuku laugh, and he started singing along, just enjoying being with Mei.
And then, the explosions actually started. A pair of mages would skip forward, raising their hands skyward and chanting in time with the song as the rest skipped around them.
"My soul is crimson, my will is that of a demon! I cry out to the void, and the void answers! Now, come forth my power, by the will of the Goddess, Megumin, Mistress of Destruction! Explosion!"
And then a detonation would strike the line of horrors moving towards then, creating smoking craters and two growing mushroom clouds. The pair of mages would collapse then, sighing in ecstasy, and the group would move forward, a new pair of mages making up an equally insane spell as attendants moved in to help those that had used their spell.
Despite how silly the ritual felt to Izuku, the results were undeniable: the enemy force was rapidly being reduced to smoldering ash, and the morale of the army was growing by the moment. In fact, many of the soldiers picked up the song, much to Izuku's chagrin.
Then, a pair of skeletal dragons broke away, diving for the mages and roaring in bloodcurdling anger.
"Ha! My turn!" Mei cackled, drawing her crossbow. "You get the one on the right, Izuku!"
"On it!" Izuku agreed, leaping into the air. The dragon bellowed, opening its diseased jaws wide as if to swallow the jumping hero.
"AIR JET BLAST!" Izuku cried, flicking both his middle fingers at the dragon when it was only 10 meters away. That, of course, triggered a massive burst of air, along with twin jets of explosions. The wind slammed into the dragon, knocking it from askey in the air. Izuku then kicked his legs, generating another gust of air, and shot through the air off the resulting shockwave. Izuku's gauntlet found itself solidly lodged in the rotten dragon's skull, and together they immediately began to plummet to earth. The dragon tried to free itself, but Izuku swung his other fist, impaling it in bone as well. With a sickening crack, the dragon impacted the surface, sending Izuku flying. Whatever magic was holding it together faded, reducing it to nothing but another jumble of bones and rotting flesh.
Groaning, Izuku stood as the suit's magic healed him. He looked over to where Mei was, and watched as she fired a steady stream of bolts at her own dragon. Each of them had been outfitted with explosives, and the dragon roared in pain as its bones shattered under their impacts. Mei aimed for the wings, Zoom allowing her to see exactly where its remaining tendons connected for maximum effect, sending the maddened beast spiraling down to the ground. Mei loaded another rack of explosives bolts and blew it to pieces.
"MY BABIES ARE THE CUTEST!" Mei hooted, slapping in another rack and cocking her crossbow. "Good job, Izuku!"
"Yeah, you too! Look out, here come more!"
This time, half a dozen dragons swooped down at them, coming at them from the flanks as monster bugs rushed down the center.
Izuku jumped into the air, then slammed his open palms together. "SMASH!"
A shockwave of compressed force shot forward a blade of air from his impact, cutting directly through the frail flesh of one dragon, and sent the two others tumbling to the ground, disoriented. Izuku turned to try again on his left, but Mei had already finished emptying her bolt rack into one dragon, then chanted, "2 Al + Fe2 O3 - 2Fe + Al2 O3 + 850 kJ/mol!"
As the words were spoken, the last dragon didn't even have time to roar in pain, simply disintegrating in a ball of flame. Mei fell back onto the ground, giggling madly. The remaining mages were thankfully able to cover her prone form, handling the line of bugs as explosions blasting their lines and reducing them to smoking hunks of ichor and carapace. Cavalry troops moved in, trampling the remaining stragglers. Despite the destruction though, the land still wriggled and squirmed with thousands or perhaps millions of insects more, and Izuku could still see hundreds of undead shambling forward, from undead rats to cows to a disturbing number of shambling humans.
Izuku hurried over to check on Mei, but she seemed fine, if totally drained of energy for the moment. He helped her back to the clerics for treatment. After making sure she would be cared for, Izuku turned to see Aqua glaring out at the encroaching blight, her staff held in a white knuckled grip and an angry snarl on her normally mischievous face.
"What's the matter?" Izuku asked, moving to stand beside the usually easy going goddess.
"This is wrong. Something is corrupting the life essense of this world. I can sense it. A powerful magical artifact, like one of the Sacred Relics we give to Adventurers. But twisted somehow. I'm going to have to purify it, or it will keep summoning more unlife and insects to it," Aqua said, looking serious for once in her life.
Izuku frowned, nodding slowly. "Ok. How do we do that?"
Aqua grimaced. "I'm going to have to get to the center of that. I can keep off the undead myself, but the insects and crawlies, ugh, I can't do much about those. I can purify the land but that won't just kill them."
"Right. I'll take you then. Hop on," Izuku told Aqua, gesturing to his back.
She gave him a wary look. "You just want to feel my boobs, don't you?"
Izuku took a deep breath, trying to contain his frustration. He barely succeeded. "Look, this is a battle. People are going to die if we don't fight. Countless people HAVE died. And honestly, if I wanted boobs, all I'd have to do is ask Mei. I'm pretty sure she'd let me feel hers. No offense, Aqua, but you're really not all that appealing to me."
"What, am I not pretty enough for you?!" Aqua demanded. "I am a literal goddess! My measurements are perfect, calculated to be-"
"Because you're a spoiled brat who reacts like this in the middle of a life or death situation," Izuku said bluntly. "Mei might not be as perfect as you, but she's real, and she likes me, and she's smart, and brave, and really pretty. And I'm honestly offended you think I'd cheat on her in the middle of a crisis."
Aqua blinked at Izuku, then cocked her head to one side. "Huh."
"You… you're talking this surprisingly well," Izuku said, suddenly feeling unsure about what to do. He'd half expected Aqua to explode, and the other half had expected her to cry and pout.
"You just reminded me of someone. That's all. OK. Let's do this. I think I can trust you, Midoriya. You're not Kazuma, but I still think we can be friends."
"Right. Let's warn the king and the others first." Izuku said. He hurried over to where the king was sitting on his horse, surrounded with his mages and generals, Aqua following right behind him.
"Lord Midoriya," the king hailed, nodding to Izuku. "The battle goes well, for now. Still, I am worried. We are running out of mages, and though their magic is beyond anything I have ever seen, I fear it will not last for long enough to break this foe. My men are brave, but those beasts have slaughtered every man that has tried to face them, save you."
"We're going to try to find whatever it is that's guiding those things," Izuku told Blois. "I'm going to jump into the middle of it with Aqua. She says that there is a magical object of some kind summoning and controlling them. If we destroy it, we can end this. It's a risk, I know, but we have to take it."
"You would leap into the very heart of that swarm?" King Charles asked, shocked at the very idea. He shook his head. "You are a brave man, Wolfsbane. But, I thank you. I would offer to go myself, but I fear that though I bear our most powerful relics, I would be of little use to you."
"Yeah, I'm sorry as well, but… I saw what happened to Blois and his knights when we fought the Wolf Queen. Your soldiers are brave, but this is beyond them. At least for the moment. Don't worry, I'll stand, One For All, against this darkness. Everything will be okay. Because we are here." Izuku said, smiling up at the king. "We'll handle this."
"Wait, one more thing," Aqua said. "We need Megumin."
Izuku hesitated, then nodded in agreement. Megumin was strange, but her spell was even more powerful than what he could do at the moment, even if he ruined his body. Having backup wasn't a bad plan.
"A powerful relic? Of course, I'll help Aqua. Don't worry, my Explosion magic will crush whatever comes at us!" Megumin promised. She frowned at Izuku. "How do we get there though?"
"I'll be jumping into the middle of the swarm. While you and Aqua deal with the relic, I'll fight whatever tries to attack us."
"Very well. I shall call down dark power, to smite our foes!"
"That… that's crazy," Izuku muttered. "But I guess you're both goddesses, so it's accurate. Right. Aqua, you climb on my back, Megumin, I'll carry you. Let's do this."
Taking a deep breath, Izuku squatted, then took a running start before launching himself into the air. The ground beneath him was pulverized from the force of his takeoff, and horses bucked wildly alongside startled men from the sound that followed it. Izuku flew well over 100 meters into the air, the wind whipping past him. To propel himself, Izuku kicked at the air again, the force of his kicks enough to shoot him out over the field and into the center of the enemy army with minimal damage as he avoided frantic dragons, along with undead birds and bats that tried to pursue them. Then Aqua pointed her hand at them.
"Turn Undead!" The simple spell was enough to reduce the flying enemies to ash, though it didn't stop the few insects that rose up on thrumming wings to give chase. Izuku proved to be too fast for them to reach however, seeming to dash through the air with powerful gusts left in his wake that shredded the pursuing monsters.
"There!" Megumin called, pointing at a dark obelisk at the center of the swarm in a wagon pulled by undead horses. It was made of dark stone that seemed to draw in the light around it, broken only by veins filled with what looked like solid rot and corruption, as insects crawled out of its base in constant waves. "I see it!"
"How long do you need to prepare your spell?" Izuku asked as they fell downwards.
Megumin laughed. "That's my secret, Midoriya. I don't need to prepare anything. I'm always ready. Divine Explosion!"
Izuku had thought what he had seen the mages conjure earlier had been impressive, and what Mei had done amazing. This was coming from the kid who grew up with Katsuki Bakugo. The mages blasts had been fireballs that had looked like they were equal to about half a ton of TNT, while Mei's had easily been four or five times that.
This blast was so massive that it swallowed up a good chunk of the swarm which stretched for miles and miles in an instant. It was so huge that Izuku was caught in the blast, saved only by a shield of water Aqua conjured up that sheltered them from the impact. Later, Mei would inform Izuku that according to her calculations, the blast was equal to a kiloton nuclear detonation, though without the radioactive fallout (Mei having whipped up a geiger counter somehow to check after the battle).
Even with Aqua's shield though, the blast still tossed Izuku higher up into the air and spun him and the two girls about like a coin in the dryer. He managed to keep his head though, clutching tightly to the now limp Megumin and trying to correct his descent with well timed kicks. They landed at the center of the devastation, where nothing remained but a huge crater, and, worryingly, the obelisk. The fel device now cracked somewhat in half, but seemed to be mostly intact despite its decayed state.
"Perfect!" Aqua said, jumping off Izuku's back. "I'll handle this!" She ran over to the obelisk, putting her hand on it. "Purification! Purification! Ugh, this is nasty. I'll take a few minutes. Purification!"
"What did you think?" Megumin asked, clutching at Izuku's armor. "What rating would you give my explosion?"
"I don't know. That was… Megumin, that was the biggest explosion I have ever seen, and I know a guy named Katsuki Bakugo who literally sweats explosions," Izuku told her.
Megumin curled her lip. "Oh, so he gets to name himself Master Explosion Winner, does he? Well, you tell your friend that I'M the master of Explosion magic, you hear?"
"Sure," Izuku agreed, smiling. "It will be good to see Kaachan again. We have to have nearly won, right?"
"Foolish child. You have done nothing of the sort."
Izuku spun to see two women on the lip of the crater, both dressed in uniforms similar to those the Wolf Queen had worn. One was a blonde woman with dead eyes and a murderous grin, while the other was… off. Izuku couldn't put his finger on it. She looked like a cute girl with dark hair. but something about her was just wrong. Like looking at a distorted photo. Izuku quickly backed away, setting Megumin down by Aqua. "Aqua, get ready. Those two look like trouble."
Aqua looked up, frowning. "Who? Oh. Well, you can handle them, right?"
"Aqua, do they look familiar to you?" Megumin asked, struggling to sit up. "I think… I think we've seen them before. Maybe, when the Lord of the Tomb invaded Belzerg?"
"No, they weren't there," Aqua said dismissively. "Just let Izuku handle them, I need to finish this."
"We have never met before," the small dark haired one said in a voice that made Izuku's skin crawl. Her lips didn't move as she spoke, and the words didn't sound as though they came from a human throat. "If we had, we would have slain you for the glory of our Master."
"We weren't supposed to fight you," the blonde said, licking her lips as they started down into the crater. "But the wizard has used her one spell for the day, and Aqua cannot hope to fight us. We shall slay you both, and inform our Master that at last, our mission has succeeded!"
Something about who the two women were behaving felt off to Izuku. They had to have seen him fighting before, and yet, they were confidently strolling forward. That alone urged caution. Raising his hand, Izuku fired off a blast of wind, the recoil kicking up dust and cinders.
The effect the blast had on the approaching pair was drastic: the smaller one seemed to fly apart, her body unfolding as she sprawled on the ground. As for the blonde, she rippled, her body acting as if it were made of jello. Then she snapped back into shape, as if nothing had happened, only the tears and wrinkles on the fabric of her clothing showing any sign an attack had hit her.
"What the heck?!" Izuku gasped, taking half a step back.
"Midoriya! Don't touch the blonde!" Megumin's voice suddenly cried. "She's a slime! If you touch her, she'll just absorb you! Physical attacks have no effect!"
"Oh ho, so you recognize what I am, do you?" the maid chuckled, her mouth spreading wide in a hideous grin. "We waited until you'd expended your spell, Megumin. Your Explosion magic could kill me outright, but you have nothing else that could possibly affect me! Not even that boy's wind can touch me, for it is merely physical air and not wind magic!"
"You forgot about me!" Aqua cried, pointing at the slime. "Sacred Purification!"
The light surrounded the woman and engulfed her, but when it faded she only tittered. "Oops? I'm not a poison slime, you know. I'm a predator slime."
"Shall we kill them now, Epsilon?"
Izuku's gut clenched and his skin seemed to crawl as the body of the smaller girl rose up on four black legs, a long centipede body extending behind it. Her "face" was now hanging down towards the ground, but that only revealed the many-eyed spider-like true head.
"Indeed, Zeta. Enough games. And I'm hungry," the blond hissed.
That was when Megumin stood up, causing both of the foes to gasp and recoil. "Thank you for revealing your weakness. You see, I am now no ordinary Archwizard."
"This cannot be!" Epsilon gasped. "She used her spell! She can use it but once per day! There are no manatite or recovery potions in this realm, and that fool is still in Konigreich! General Emi and Gamma can not have failed, we would have heard something!"
"She must be bluffing," Zeta hissed. "Breath of Fly!"
A swarm of insects spewed forth from Zeta's mouth, and Izuku hastily grabbed Aqua and Megumin, jumping away to the lip of the crater.
"Megumin?" Aqua asked, sounding worried as Izuku set them down.
"Hmph," Megumin said, raising her staff. "You should never underestimate a Crimson Demon."
"Kill them, kill them now!" Epsilon raged as she dashed towards them. "Summon more insects! We have to kill them before-"
Megumin smirked. "Explosion."
The fireball this time was much less impressive, leaving a smaller crater at the center of the other, but it was still larger than anything Mei or the mages mustered by an order of magnitude. Afterward, Mei would compare the crater size and blast radius to at least ten tons of TNT in yield, and Izuku had to brace himself to shelter both Aqua and Megumin as the shock wave enveloped them. He grunted in pain, but managed to hold firm thanks to his armor. When the dust and smoke finally settled, there was nothing left of either Epsilon or Zeta.
"Hmph. I never liked those two anyway," Aqua sniffed. "Good riddance! Now if only we can do that to the rest of the Lord of the Tombs minions." She slid down into the crater, jogging across it to the still relatively unscathed obelisk.
"Um, excuse me," Megumin said, tugging Iuzku's pants leg. He looked down to see her flopped on the ground. "I am afraid I will have to ask you to carry me again, please. That time, I used my own mana reserves as I was somewhat low on prayers and offerings. That Divine Explosion used a lot, and I wanted to save some for my followers."
"Um, yeah," Izuku agreed, picking Megumin up, and then hurrying back down into the crater to follow Aqua. "Thanks. You really think that slime was so dangerous?"
"They really are immune to most physical attacks," Megumin told him. "You might have been able to hurt her eventually, but if she touched you she'd have dissolved and eaten you. Predator slimes digest their food live, so it would not have been pleasant."
"Probably not," Izuku agreed. He ended up having to fight off a few more giant insects and skeletal dragons that attacked while Aqua purified the evil obelisk, but that wasn't too difficult. Once the obelisk finally crumbled to dust under Aqua's purifying spells, the magic animating the undead faded. Even the insects began to burrow underground or feast upon the carrion, apparently now unconcerned with anything beyond basic survival.
"A miraculous victory," King Charles praised them as they returned to the war camp. "Beyond miraculous. Foes such as that should have wiped out my entire army, to say nothing of my kingdom. And yet, we have barely a dozen dead, and a few hundred wounded, most of them mages suffering from exhaustion. And Lady Aqua says she can raise all our dead. For now, our lands are safe, and we can lick our wounds. This is a victory beyond my wildest hopes."
"That slime girl said something though," Izuku mentioned. "Something about a place called Konigreich? It sounded like they were under attack too."
The king shifted uneasily in his seat, an ornately carved wooden throne set up under a pavilion. "Konigreich is the land this foul army came from. They are our traditional rivals. They sent word they were beset with foes, and we were negotiating to send aid, but with such troubles within our own borders we had to redirect our efforts lest we too be overwhelmed."
"The last word we had was that the Kaiser had gone out with his army to face the foe in the field," Count Blois reported. "If it were a tenth the strength of this one, I find it unlikely they prevailed."
"If Konigreich falls, they will come here next. We would be wise to prepare for such an event," the King said.
"No!" Izuku cried, shaking his head and raising his fist. "I came here to save the whole world! If Konigreich is in trouble, we have to try to help them! The Lord of the Tomb is a danger to everyone! Not just one land, but all of them!"
"He's right, it would be pretty dumb to let all those people just die. That would just give the Lord of the Tomb more fodder for zombies. Or something stupid, like, I dunno, Super Zombie." Aqua agreed.
The King considered that for a long while, then sighed and nodded. "You are, unfortunately, correct. I cannot send my entire force to a foreign land however: there are still monsters that are about, and our forces are wearied already from these unending conflicts, to say nothing of trying to finance such a large trip. I can, however, deploy a contingent of a few hundred knights and mages to ride to Hauptstadt. You will be in command, Lord Midoriya."
"Me!?" Izuku gasped, startled and turning pale at the mere suggestion. "But I'm-"
"The hero who just slew half a dozen dragons with his bare hands, carries with him the blessing of two goddesses, one of Life and the other Destruction, and is now the most respected man in this kingdom," King Charles told him. "Do not fret. I shall send Marquess Blois with you to provide wise counsel for you."
"Your Grace?" Blois gasped, jerking himself.
The king smiled. "You have done your king and people a great service, Marquess. Do not think I have not noticed. Consider this your first test to see if you are worthy of your new titles."
"I shall not fail," Blois promised, bowing. He grinned proudly, slapping Izuku on the shoulder. "Come, Wolfsbane! We have much to prepare for before we set out upon the morrow."
Author's Note:
A huge, special thank you to whoever made this fic a TV Tropes page and has been working on it. As an author, it warms the cockles of my heart that people are enjoying this still story enough to start finding all the tropes I've been using in this fic.
PLAY OF THE GAME
MEGUMIN AS MEMEWIZARD
Chapter 14: Two and a Half GoddessesBeta'd and edited by The Evil Within
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Chapter 14: Two and a Half Goddesses
If I die again, King Kai says I get a free Ice Cream Sunday since it's my third time!
- Chiaotzu, Dragon Ball Z Abridged
Once again, Kazuma was dead. Considering he had spent several centuries that way, it didn't really bother him. What did bother him was that he was currently all alone in the now familiar circle of light. He looked around, putting his arm over the back of his chair and frowning. "Hello? Get a little service here? Come on! Sheesh, I'm a VIP you know! If no one comes I'm just going back to Aqua's room!"
"You!"
Kazuma turned around to see a blonde goddess stalking forward, a look of pure murder on her face. "Oh, hey, Rista. Seiya around?"
"He's busy fighting the Lord of the Tomb, just like you should be, you good for nothing NEET!" Rista snarled, planning her fists on her hips. "Do you know how much trouble you idiots have caused for me!?"
Kazuma shrugged. "I mean, I just defeated one of his armies and blew up two of his generals. Don't see what the big deal is. Just let me go back to Aqua's room, I'm sure Megumin misses me."
"She didn't miss you at all, that's the problem! She blew you sky high!" Rista ranted. "After stealing hundreds of my followers!"
"What?" Kazuma blinked in confusion. "No, I blew myself up with my Weight… spell… crap, I didn't even cast it! Those goblins are still-"
"Piles of ash, unlike you, who somehow, thanks to your stupidly good luck skill, are just an extra crispy corpse instead!" Rista said, sticking a finger under Kazuma's nose. "You tell Aqua when she finishes with you that we are going to have WORDS about just how many of my followers she's stealing! Upper Management is going to-"
"Rista, quit wasting your time with the NEET," Seiya, Rista's husband said, stepping into the light beside her. Kazuma rolled his eyes at the man. They had never gotten along, Kazuma being the consummate slacker and Seiya being a hard core overachiever. "He's useless as his goddess. He's never prepared for anything."
"Hey, I was totally prepared, you rude asshole!" Kazmuma snapped, standing and glaring up at the much taller Seiya. "I made cannons and blew up that whole army! But this Lord of the Tomb guy has cheat items too! This weird girl re-summoned a whole goblin army, and sacrificing myself heroically was the only way to take them out and save my friends!"
"If you had spent your time in the Divine Realm training instead of playing video games and eating junk food, this would not have been a problem for you," Seiya said, narrowing his eyes in disgust at Kazuma. "It's your group's fault the Lord of the Tomb is still such a problem anyway."
Kazuma threw his hands up in the air. "Oh, so it's my fault we didn't defeat him the first time?! What the hell man! Even you lost to a Demon Lord once, Aqua told me all about it!"
"Yes, and I paid for it with Rista's life, and my own, and we only barely saved our child," Seiya retorted, shaking his head stiffly. "You should have known better this time. At least thank Aqua when she resurrects you."
"Oh no she won't! I am not going back there! Where is she, anyway? I've been working my ass off fighting the Lord of the Tomb while she lazes around here!" Kazuma argued.
Rista frowned. "Wait, you don't know? She's with you in that world. She finally got off her lazy ass and incarnated herself on the front lines, even if you are breaking the Quarantine. That's what Seiya and I were doing until I had to deal with you. Normally I'd delegate a death like yours but I figured I'd take the chance to give Aqua a warning."
"He never listens. Come. Todoroki and the others are waiting. We must commence our assault soon," Seiya said.
"Ugh, fine. I'm just mad that Aqua found a way to interrupt our alone time," Rista complained.
Seiya raised an eyebrow at her, looking amused for the first time this encounter. "You are insatiable. How many times was it this night?"
"I was going for four. We have to enjoy our time in the mortal realm while we can, dear," Rista said, smiling and patting her husband's arm.
"Hold up a second! What do you mean, Aqua's there?! It was just me and Darkness!" Kazuma exclaimed. "I thought gods and goddesses were forbidden from incarnating because of the Godslayer."
Rista shook her head. "No, your entire group was there. They didn't go with Yunyun and Eris back to Belzerg, I checked. Aqua and Megumin have been stealing thousands of my faithful, which is a serious problem when I'm fighting on the front lines, Godslayer or no."
"Wait, Yunyun went to Belzerg? When? Why!" Kazuma demanded. "And what's Eris doing there?!"
"It's all these kids from that weird realm that opened up to us recently, I thought you knew, that's why you went with them," Rista explained. "You know, the ones with quirks? Aren't there some in your group?"
"Yeah, Uraraka and Tokoyami," Kazuma agreed. "Wait, how do you know about them?"
"Four of them have joined Rista and I. We are about to drive the Godslayer off of one of the Lord of the Tomb's worlds," Seiya stated. "Other gods and goddesses have allied with them in other realms. At long last, Nazarick is in retreat."
"Wait, we're winning? For real?" Kazuma demanded in disbelief. "But we've been losing for so long! It didn't matter what kind of cheat items we used or how many Adventurers we sent, they kept dying and failing!"
"I know. Something has changed. Personally, I think this smacks of the hand of Upper Management," Rista said with a shudder. Even Seiya looked concerned at that, putting a protective hand on his wife's shoulder.
"Upper Management?" Kazuma asked. "Aqua's mentioned them but I don't know much about it. Who exactly are they, or even what?"
"It's best if you don't know. They took over our Division well before my time, but what little contact I have had with them is… well. It's best not to dwell on such things. Ah, there she is. Finally, any longer and I would have had to shove you back in that meatsack you call a corpse myself. You make sure to tell Aqua to keep her damn hands off my followers, or next time I'll go to one of HER worlds and start a religious revival of my own!" Rista snarled, shaking a fist even as her husband began pulling her back.
Kazuma then felt a familiar tug on his soul, drawing him back to the land of the living. "She… she's really there?"
"Kazuma! Dammit, come on! I know there's enough of you there!" Aqua's voice suddenly echoed through the void. "Hurry up and come back before-OOOF!"
There was the sounds of a struggle, and then, "Kazuma if you don't come back right now, so help me I will-"
Upon hearing the new voice, Kazuma instantly allowed himself to be resurrected. He gasped for air opening his eyes. And there she was, her eyes filled with tears as she hovered over him.
Kazuma didn't say anything, just jerking up and wrapping Megumin in a tight hug. He was crying too, but tried to put a tough face on it. "I should have known it was your useless ass that blew me up. I should've been familiar with the sensation by now."
"I'm sorry!" Megumin wept uncontrollably, her face a mess even as she smiled widely. "I didn't know you were there! I foolishly fired off my Explosion spell, not even considering the consequences! Please forgive me!"
"Hey, it's alright, I'm used to it," Kazuma consoled, gently patting Megumin's back. Then Kazuma realized there were other people around them. He looked up, and found a green haired boy looking down at him worriedly. "Who the hell is this guy?"
"Er, hi, I'm Izuku Midoriya. Pleased to meet you. I guess. Uhh, I'm sort of the one who dragged Aqua into this."
"And I'm the one who got Megumin!" a girl with pink hair and intensely yellow eyes said, jumping up and elbowing Midoriya aside. "Hello! I'm Mei Hastume! Are you Megumin's boyfriend? She has told me you are very rude and dumb."
Megumin looked away, her face as red as her eyes, but Kazuma just laughed. "Yeah, I guess I fit right in with these idiots! Thanks, by the way, Aqua. It's good to see you again."
"Well, I figured you just needed the help of a goddess like myself if you wanted to have any hope of defeating the Lord of the Tomb and his minions, Kazuma," Aqua huffed, giving him a smug grin, though her eyes sparkled with genuine happiness.
"I thought you came here on accident because you didn't listen when Izuku asked for his bonus?" Mei asked, making Aqua jerk and look away in embarrassed guilt.
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Kazuma agreed, slowly getting to his feet, though it took a moment longer than normal as he refused to let go of Megumin. He smiled down at her, still comfortable in his arms. "Well, I bet you'll need a ride again, since you fired off your spell already today."
"As fun as that sounds, I am quite capable of walking, thank you," Megumin told him, then to Kazukua's shock, actually stood up on her own and grinned impudently at him. "You are not dealing with a useless wizard who knows only Explosion magic anymore! Behold! I am Megumin! Dark Goddess of the Crimson Demon Cult! She who has legions of loyal followers who partake in dark, profane rituals and-"
"We get to skip around and sing about explosions!" Mei interrupted. "It's really fun! Apparently it lets Megumin cast extra spells everyday. I wish I could do it because after one Explosion, Izuku has to carry me too."
"Heh, um, ignore the prattlings of this ignorant commoner," Megumin said, waving her hand dismissively at Mei while trying desperately to keep a straight face. "She knows not about the inner workings of my secretive cult."
"What? I thought I was your high priestess! I even made you a printing press so we could make fliers for you to hand out at every village we passed through!" Mei argued, genuinely displeased at the denial.
Megumin jumped at Hatsume, grabbing the taller girl by her collar. "If you do not stop interrupting me and making our religion look lame, I am demoting you, do you understand me! Looking awesome and having a fearsome image is the core tenant of the Crimson Demon Cult!"
"I thought it was making a big boom?" Hatsume asked.
"Well, yes, that is also important," Megumin admitted. She spun around, now glaring at Kazuma. "Do not dare mock my religion, for-"
"She's got everyone behaving like a bunch of middle schoolers going through an edgy phase, doesn't she?" Kazuma asked Midoriya.
Midoirya grimaced, rubbing the back of his head. "I mean, it works, but… it's really weird to watch. They all do these strange poses and all the spells for the explosion are different. Hatsume just recites oxidation reactions and they work just as well as the random gothic poetry that everyone else comes up with."
"That is because what they are doing is offering up prayers to their goddess! The cooler they are, the more effective the spell!" Megumin declared. She glanced at Aqua. "Um, right?"
"Eh, sure, I mostly just like it when people tell me how awesome I am but whatever works for you," Aqua shrugged. "We can set the parameters for effective prayers as pretty much anything so long as the mortal's devotion is real."
"Then how come she just recites chemical equations?" Kazuma asked, jerking his thumb at Hatsume.
"Obviously, because she is my friend, and I am doing her a favor," Megumin sniffed. "If you are nice to me, perhaps I shall allow you to summon my incredible dark powers."
"Really? Because I had something else in mind," Kazuma said, stepping forward to loom over Megumin.
She glared up at him, puffing out her chest (which remained unimpressive) and folding her arms under her breasts. "And what is that?"
"I figured I'd take your panties again," Kazuma said with a smug grin. "But this time, I wouldn't be using Steal."
"Y-y-you jerk!" Megumin cried, taking a step back and raising a fist towards Kazuma, even as a small smile broke out on her face. "You think just because I blew you up that I'm going to let you do perverted things to me?! E-even if they sound fun, and I have been imagining finally giving myself to your savage lusts and finally sheathing your holy sword in my-"
"Oh, you totally can't do that," Aqua interrupted. "Sorry, Megumin. But you're a goddess now. No sex."
"WHAT?!" Kazuma and Megumin yelled at the same time, spinning on their blue haired friend, one shocked, and the other outraged beyond reason.
Aqua just shrugged. "If you have sex with Kazuma, you totally forfit your godly powers and followers. Those are the rules. All your followers would lose their magic and end up completely defenseless against all the Lord of the Tomb's monsters. It's in the Hand Book To Your Divinity. Here, I think I got a copy kicking around here somewhere."
Impossibly, Aqua then proceeded to reach into her bodice with her full arm, moving around back and forth for several seconds before pulling out a small book, handing it over to the quivering Megumin.
"This is outrageous!" Megumin ranted at the perceived injustice. She quickly flipped through the book, her eyes darting back and forth for some kind of loophole or sign of trickery in Aqua's words. Kazuma tried to lean over to get a look at it, but Megumin simply let out a snarl of anger. She ripped the book into shreds, then pointed her staff at it, ready to utterly erase the foul literature from existence. "That is vile, wicked, I never would have signed up to be a goddess if I knew that was in the rules!"
"Yeah, we lose more recruits through the boinking rule than any other," Aqua sighed. She made a face and a retching sound. "Though I still don't know why you want to so bad. It sounds super gross. Why anyone would want to have sex, I don't know."
Tears welled up in Kazuma's eyes as he sank to his knees beside the book. "You mean… you mean… NOOOOOOO!" Kazuma threw back his head, tearing at his hair as if he heard the world was doomed. For all he cared at the moment, it was. "You're telling me I'm cursed to be a virgin NEET for the rest of existence!? I chose the wrong path, dammit! I want a take back! Reload my save! Let me complete this hyper-important side-quest first! This isn't right!"
"Well screw this!" Megumin ranted alongside him, stomping on the book. "I swear it off! I'm not going to be a goddess anymore! I've waited for hundreds of years already and I'm not waiting a minute longer!"
Kazuma lowered his hands. "Wait, you mean…?"
Megumin grabbed Kazuma by the collar of his tunic and started dragging him across the bumpy turned up earth. "We are crossing the final frontier together, and I am not waiting one moment longer! Some big titted floozy is going to run up and shout-"
"Kazuma, Kazuma!"
Megumin let out a squeak and dropped Kazuma, who yelped as his head hit a shard of rock.
"Darkness?!" Megumin gasped, as Darkness ran forward, her breasts bouncing about wildly in her nearly destroyed armor. Megumin suddenly jumped on top of Kazuma, shaking him violently. "Dammit, why didn't you tell me she was here!? She's been with you the entire time,
hasn't she! You two have been going at it like damn bunnies every night, weren't 't you! I never should have let you out of my sight, the next thing you know I'll-"
"Hey, whoever you are, I'm going to warn you once: get off of Kazuma. I don't know how he's alive, but I'm going to be seriously upset if you hurt him after he managed to wipe out that army," Uraraka said, stalking towards them.
"I resurrected him!" Aqua said helpfully.
Megumin's eyes took on a haunted look, and she dropped Kazuma back into the dirt. Trembling, Megumin stood, then slowly walked over to Uraraka.
"That's better!" Uraraka said, frowning at the trembling tsundere mage. "Now, just who are you, and why are you-"
"B-b-boobs," Megumin stammered, hunched over as she looked right at Uraraka's decently sized bosom. "Dammit."
Uraraka went beet red and jerked away, covering her chest with her arms. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Curse this wretched form," Megumin whimpered, tears welling up in her eyes. "This one isn't even a boob monster like Darkness, and she's still bigger than me…"
"Megumin?" Darkness asked, coming over and putting a hand on the mages shoulder. "Are you-OH!"
"Don't touch me, you worthless love rival! I thought he was mine and you stole him at the last second!" Megumin raved, slapping Darkness' breasts like a pair of beach balls as they knocked back and forth. Darkness moaned and took a step back as her smaller friend continued to wail away. "Curse! These! Stupid! Giant! Gag! BoooOOOO-!"
Megumin shrieked as she was grabbed by the ankles and hung upside down, her hat topping from her head. Her robes tried to fall over her head as well, but she desperately tried to keep them up, though Kazuma did catch a good look at her panties. Black and lacy as always, with cute little ribbons on the side.
"I will warn you once: do not treat my lady so," Tokoyami declared as Dark Shadow dangled Megumin off the ground.
"Yeah, he's the only one who gets to play with her tits like that!" his quirk squawked.
Tokoyami flushed. "I, er, it's not what I-"
"Tokoyami?" Kazuma said, tapping the other boy on the shoulder.
"Yes?"
Kazuma decked the birdboy right in the beak, just as he set off a flour bomb. Tokoyami staggered back as Dark Shadow screeched in annoyance, and Kazuma caught Megumin in his arms before she fell on her face.
"I'm gonna warn you once," he said sternly, doing his best to glare down at the flustered girl. "Uraraka is a friend. Don't go picking on her. And you can posture and rant all you want, but not actually hurting Darkness: that's Tokoyami's job now. And as for me, well, I'll have you know, that even in this dark hour, I am firmly committed to the Megumin path, and unlocking your H-Scene. You realize Uraraka thinks I'm a disgusting pervert and probably wouldn't touch me, let alone let me grab her boobs, right?"
"Try it, and that blue haired bimbo over there will have to resurrect you again," Uraraka swore with an upraised fist.
"And, well, I personally think big boobs are completely overrated. Small chests are definitely sexier," Kazuma decreed. "Just ask Darkness."
"He has told me that I have completely ruined boobs for him," she confirmed with no small amount of joy. "And Megumin, just so you know, he was offered a harem of two fetching girls that he could do whatever he wished with, and he turned them down. He even declined my offers before I became involved with Tokoyami. He has been most admirably loyal."
Megumin took a deep breath, then looked up at Kazuma, searching for any sign of lying. She went for a pout, but mostly it looked like she was trying hard not to cry again. "Is that true? Did you really turn down a harem? That's not the Kazutrash I know."
"What can I say? Their boobs were way too big. Besides, I never could have done this," he said, before pinching Megumin's rear.
She let out a shriek and tried to slap him, but she was to busy laughing in relief as small tears rolled down her face. In the end, she just grabbed his cheek and pulled him down for a kiss. After an embrace that should have been longer, she rested her head on his shoulder and whispered, "You really waited?"
"I really did. I surprise even myself sometimes. Besides, would I really be the same Kazuma if I wasn't a virgin NEET?" he asked. "You keep being a goddess. And I'll be right there at your side, Megumin. Though I will say, this last explosion? Seventy points. Max."
"What! That was an incredible explosion! I blew up an entire army!" Megumin argued, slapping her hand on his head. "It was at least 150 points!"
"Yeah, but you blew me up too, so I knocked a few off," Kazuma set, letting her back down. He looked around as Megumin straightened her clothes, rubbing his chin. "So, Midoriya, Hatsume, you're from the same world as Uraraka and Tokoyami?"
"They were our classmates," Tokoyami confirmed, rubbing his beak. "We were on the same team in the Sports Festival."
"Wait, did you guys end up with Kazuma and Darkness as your bonuses? How did that happen?" Izukuk asked.
"Darkness asked to come with me, and Tokoyami picked Kazuma out of spite," Uraraka explained. "What about you two?"
"I picked Megumin because she agreed to teach me how to make amazing explosions, and so that I would not have to go to boring heaven or get reincarnated as a baby which would be dumb," Mei explained. "Izuku got stuck with Aqua because she is not very smart."
"Hey!" Aqua cried. She spun to face Kazuma, Darkness and Megumin. "He cheated, you believe me, right?"
Her three friends just gave Aqua a flat look. "Aqua, they changed the rules so goddesses couldn't accidentally get chosen as a cheat item," Kazuma said slowly
Megumin rubbed her forehead. "Which means, you had to deliberately choose yourself."
Tokoyami blinked, seeing an inconsistency. "Wait, then how did I choose Kazuma? You mean he wanted to come?"
All eyes turned to Kazuma, who blanched and shuffled his feet, kicking some suddenly interesting ashes. "I just… you made me really angry, questioning my awesome powers, so… I mean, I kinda sorta, accidentally, on purpose… picked myself. To prove you wrong."
"Ha! That means you're as dumb as I am!" Aqua laughed.
"Aqua, you know you just admitted to being an idiot, right?" Darkness sighed.
Aqua sniffed and stuck her nose in the air with great pride. "It doesn't matter, as long as everyone acknowledges that I am smarter than Kazuma, and also much more beautiful, powerful, useful, and artistically gifted. And humbler, too!"
"You're gifted at something, alright," Kazuma muttered. He sighed, then stepped forward and pulled a startled Aqua into a hug. "Thanks for saving me again, Aqua. It's good to see you again. Never thought I'd say this but… I really missed having you along. Guess I'm pretty useless without my OP cheat item along, huh?"
Aqua sniffed, tears of her own at the corners of her eyes, and hugging Kazuma right back. "I was lonely when you weren't there. I was so worried I'd finally have to reincarnate you and I'd be all alone again. You guys all have to become gods like Megumin, alright? Then we can hang out forever!"
"Yeah that's not happening," Kazuma said, patting Aqua on the head like a small child. "I'm getting laid. I'm not staying a virgin NEET for the rest of eternity."
"You keep saying that, and so does Aqua. What's a virgin NEET anyway?" Mei demanded. "And why does Izuku get all weird when people say it?"
"It means he's a loser who never leaves the house, plays video games all day, and doesn't have a girlfriend," Uraraka explained, making a face. "So, basically, Kazuma, but he's out of his natural habitat right now."
"Oh. Well then stop calling Izuku a virgin NEET, Aqua!" Mei snapped. "He does have a girlfriend, and he does all kinds of useful things, like going to school and helping me make babies! And we are also going to have sex because if Aqua thinks it is dumb then it is probably actually fun."
That pronouncement made Uraraka go deep red and make a sound like steam hissing out of a kettle as she covered her mouth and stared at Izuku, who had gone equally red and looked as though he wanted to find a rock large enough to crawl under and die of embarrassment.
"You're dating Hatsume now?" Tokoyami asked. He then gave Izuku a thumbs up. "Nice. She's pretty cute, and smart."
"Eh, not kinky enough," Dark Shadow opined. "I bet she's not even into the weird shit like Darkness is!"
Izuku managed to calm himself before Uraraka. "Um, Uraraka? Mei and I… we're sort of dating now."
"Yes! Izuku has very nice muscles, and he lets me touch them, and I let him touch my boobies. It makes me feel very nice," Hastume agreed.
"I… I'm happy for you," Uraraka gasped, fanning herself with her hands. She managed to smile. "This world… it's pretty weird, right? But it's good to have someone you can rely on! Sounds like you um, had a really interesting time here, Deku!"
"Who's Deku?" Hatsume asked. "Is it Aqua? She is definitely useless."
Uraraka blinked. "Oh, yeah, OK. I guess I'm going to just call you Midoriya from now on. If Aqua's half the experience that Kazuma is, I wouldn't want to be associated with her either."
"I just resurrected Kazuma, and I killed the undead that were left over!" Aqua snapped, planting her hands on her hips. "What have you done since we came here, huh?!"
"Started an industrial revolution, introduced several super cute babies that can make new raw materials, blew up dragons, learned magic, and got a boyfriend! Is this a competition? Because if it is, I should be winning! You have not made anything interesting since we got here, and you don't have a boyfriend. Ha! Aqua is a virgin NEET, just like Kazuma!" Mei laughed.
"I am not a virgin NEET!" Aqua snapped, furious at her own insult being used against her.
"I don't know, you never left the divine realm until I came along, and all you wanted to do is go back. When you're there all you do is nap in your room, drink yourself silly, and play video games with us all day," Kazuma pointed out. "Plus, as you pointed out, goddesses can't have sex ever, so you're definitely a virgin. At least I've gotten to second base."
Megumin was kneeling and picking up the rumpled pages of the book, frowning at them. "Aqua, just what constitutes an act to make me lose my goddess powers?"
Aqua put her tongue back in her mouth, having been sticking it out at Kazuma. "Huh? I told you, sex."
"Right, but that could mean a lot of things. Define it, please," Megumin said, frowning at a scrap of paper.
"That is when the boy inserts the penis into the vaginal canal, then orgasms, releasing sperm which swim up the fallopian tube to meet with an egg and inseminate it," Mei recited dutifully. She shrugged. "I do not know what all that really means but I think Izuku and I are going to find out tonight."
"Um, you remember I said we were waiting for marriage, right Mei?" Izuku said, sweating. "Plus, we'd have to use protection anyway, we really don't want you to end up pregnant right now."
"Ah, that is a good point," Mei agreed. She walked over and tapped Megumin on the shoulder. "Can goddesses marry people?"
"Huh?" Megumin looked up, frowning. "Of course they can! Alright, I've figured out a loophole! It doesn't say anything about, um, other kinds of stimulation. So Kazuma, don't you dare try to sneak off on me this time! I'm going to have Darkness chain you the bed if I have to!"
"I do have extras, they are very thick chains, excellent for holding down a demon!" Darkness said eagerly even as Tokoyami blushed. He was also betrayed by Dark Shadow stealthily rubbing his hands eagerly together just behind him.
"No chains!" Kazuma cried, arms in an x. He looked at Megumin warily. "Um, are you sure? I mean, we could just wait a little longer, until we beat the Lord of the Tomb. I… I don't really want to see you all dead again."
"I have been waiting hundreds of years. I cannot contain myself any longer!" Megumin announced. "SOMETHING is happening tonight, one way or another."
"Yes, you should marry Izuku and I, then we can do whatever we want!" Mei agreed.
Everyone looked to Izuku, who had gone beat red as a slow, stupid looking grin spread across his face. "S-sounds good to me."
"Oh god," Uraraka groaned, putting her head in her hands. "I am surrounded by perverts and idiots."
"Yep," Kazuma agreed, a joyful moronic smile on his own face. "But they're our perverts and idiots."
Chapter 15: Tokusentai!Beta'd and edited by The Evil Within
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Chapter 15: Tokusentai!
Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew, today.
-The Impressive Clergyman, The Princess Bride
It felt decidedly odd to Izuku to be sitting with his classmates at a table for a meal. When was the last time he'd done this? He counted back, trying to calculate just how long they'd been in this world. More than two months, he guessed, though it was entirely possible that time passed differently here. So, he was probably 16 now. That still seemed a bit young to be getting married, but, if Izuku had to share a bed with Mei again for another night he wasn't really sure what he was going to do, but he knew for damn sure he wasn't ending up like his parents.
Plus, you know, he was entirely likely to die again in the next few days, so why not actually try and enjoy life a little while he had it?
"This feels weird, right? It's not just me?" Uraraka asked again, picking at her meal with her fork and knife. Little changes like that were something Izuku had needed to get used to, as chopsticks were apparently unknown here.
"It does feel odd to once more be sitting at a meal with you all," Tokoyami agreed. "Almost as though we should be in the cafeteria at UA, talking about an upcoming test."
"I never ate in the cafeteria, lunch time is valuable time which could be used for making babies!" Mei stated as she speared a sausage. Izuku had finally managed to persuade her that one could not live on sugar alone. "But sitting with Izuku and you two is fun, so I guess I can wait. Plus, we will be making different kinds of babies later and that sounds really interesting too!"
Uraraka shook her head slowly. "You know, I seriously didn't think I'd see Izuku getting married before we even graduated from UA, but here we are. And it doesn't even sound like the worst idea I've heard all day. Congratulations by the way, I guess?"
"Um, thanks," Izuku said, looking nervously at Mei. Was this really a good idea? Then she smiled at him, and his lower brain affirmed that it was indeed an excellent idea. "So, er, what have the two of you done since you got here?"
"Killed monsters, got laid!" Dark Shadow squawked gleefully. .
"That, er, isn't an entirely inaccurate statement," Tokoyami admitted. "We first fought a creature known as the Duke of Terror, a giant cockroach. It was, ah, more dangerous than it sounds. It was in a cave, and, we, that is when Darkness and I began our… relationship." Tokoyami blushed through his feathers, finding his vegetables especially interesting.
"We've spent all our time either fighting, training, or travelling. Or some weird combination of the three. This world really is different than the one we left behind. The suffering we've seen… It's been making me think, mostly about how lucky we've been before all this," Uraraka said quietly. "I used to want to be a hero just for the money, and I still do want to get rich but… but I could never just stand by and watch when people needed help. I've had nightmares of if those monsters we've faced ever came back home…."
Mei nodded and grinned, missing the dour mood as she held up her crossbow. "We have been making super cute babies! You have seen my crossbow, but I also made an aluminum refinery, a steam powered electrical generator, Izuku's special baby for his armor, invented new smelting and refining methods, and developed a variety of explosives! I saw the cannons you made, those are very nice! I have thought of several upgrades we can make, such as breech loading mechanisms, recoil for the barrels, explosive shells, and a mechanical target and range finder!"
"I guess you weren't kidding about starting an industrial revolution, were you?" Uraraka whistled, sounding impressed. "You're pretty smart. I gotta admit, I wasn't really sure when Izuku asked you to be on our team back at the Sports Festival, but you were a good choice. I'm glad you came with us, Hatsume."
"Thank you! Even if I did accidentally blow up the world. I did not think about how your quirk uses anti-gravity and the interaction that would have with my baby," Mei admitted.
"Neither did I, but hey, if that hadn't happened, we wouldn't have gotten to go on this adventure together! It's been scary, and strange, but in the end I think I've made some good friends and it's been, well, kinda fun," Uraraka giggled.
"Even Kazuma?" Izuku asked, smiling as they glanced over at the table next to theirs. Their four odd companions were all talking happily, sharing in food and drink that had been provided by the grateful city. They were all triumphantly returned to the Kaiser's palace, where a grand celebration was already being held outside their private meal hall.
"As strange as it may sound, they do have a certain charm to them, even if they are decidedly odd," Tokoyami said.
"He just enjoys the sex," Dark Shadow squawked. "Darkness said they're goin' all the way tonight!"
"I seriously can't believe I'm going to be the only virgin at the end of this," Uraraka sighed, before draining her mug of ale.
"Don't worry, we don't think you're a NEET like Aqua is," Mei assured her. "Besides, I am sure you will find someone nice! There are lots of guys here, maybe you will like one of them!"
"Nah, I'm going home. Relationships are too expensive anyway. Best to stay single and save money," Uraraka said, pouring herself another mug.
"Yeah," Izuku agreed, fiddingling with his silverware. "You think… you think we can beat this Lord of the Tomb? From what Aqua and Megumin said, he's already conquered a bunch of worlds. I know we've managed to beat all the generals and stuff so far, but… he just sounds a lot more dangerous."
"Of course we can!" Mei declared. "We're all back together again! We can do anything!"
"Yeah, I hope you're right," Izuku agreed. He managed to smile. "But hey, we're supposed to celebrate right?"
A short time later, Marquess Blois came to collect Izuku, while Megumin took no time in spiriting Mei away. Marriage practices in this world differed slightly from those Izuku were familiar with, though getting dressed up in your finest was still a part of it. Izuku ended up having to borrow a fine velvet doublet and hose, along with a sable fur cloak. He declined a sword however, and once Marquess Blois told the story of how Izuku had literally punched multiple dragons to death, it was agreed he did not require one.
The ceremony was to take place in the Great Hall of the Kaiser's palace, before assembled dignitaries from two previously hostile nations. It felt decidedly surreal and odd to Izuku, and he was more than a little nervous and worried, wondering what and would go wrong. After all, what would his mother think? But then the music started, and Izuku didn't have much time to worry anymore.
He, along with Tokoyami, Kazuma, and Marquess Blois strode out into the main hall in a diamond formation, to where Aqua was standing atop the dais at the end of the hall. She smiled at Izuku, winking mischievously.
"Who approaches the Goddess of Water, Aqua?" she demanded, doing her best to sound imperious.
"Lord Izuku Midoriya, the Wolfbane, hero of two realms and defender of the Axis Faith," Marquess Blois proclaimed.
"What does he seek this day?" Aqua asked, turning to the next in line.
"He seeks the hand of a maiden, to join his own." Tokoyami declared.
Aqua nodded seriously. "Is he brave and true, and will he protect and succor her always?"
"I mean, the dude punched a werewolf in half and drop kicked a dragon, apparently." Kazuma said with a shrug. "Plus, he can't be a worse cook than Hatsume from what I've heard."
Izuku had to stifle nervous giggles at Kazuma's rather colorful and inappropriate response. Blois looked mortified, but Tokoyami merely rolled his eyes while the Kaiser actually barked out a laugh, by now apparently taking a liking to Kazuma's rather novel way of speaking.
"Kazuma!" Aqua hissed. "Stick to the script!"
"Urgh, fine. Ye, verily, Sir Wolfsbane is the baddest of asses and hath slain many a foul beast, and wilt surely provide good eats and a house or something," Kazuma said in a mocking tone.
Aqua gave Kazuma a death glare, before smiling sweetly. "But where is the maiden that he seeks?"
That was when the lights went out, black curtains falling over the windows. The assembled dignitaries gasped in shock, while Aqua let out a squeal. "Dammit Megumin!"
But it was too late. A bright light started to shine on the side door that Mei's party was supposed to come out of.
"Tremble, mortals, for a maiden approaches!" Megumin's voice, distorted and echoing from amplification proclaimed. "Behold! The High Priestess of the Crimson Demon Cult! The Inventor of the Cutest Babies in the Entire Land! And the hottest bride in town!"
"ME!" Mei shouted, jumping out of the door, her arms spread wide. She was wearing not the bridal gown that had been selected for her, but rather a long leather jacket like a duster, along with a pink blouse and brown trousers, and of course, her goggles.
"That's not the line, you've got to say it!" Megumin hissed, sticking her head out of the door.
"Oh, right." Mei snapped her fingers, before suddenly striking a pose, going up on one leg and sticking her hands out. "Super Bridal Party, Assemble!"
Megumin slid out of the door, crouching low with her arms out at her sides pointing down. "Megumin! The Maid of Honor, and Mistress of Explosions!"
Darkness twirled out of the door in her repaired armor, striking a pose while flexing one arm and pointing skyward with the other. "Darkness! The toughest of the bridesmaids, and mistress of defense!"
Uraraka jumped out, crouching above Megumin between Darkness and Mei, making a double V sign by her face. "Uraravity, the Sanest of the bridesmaids, she who thought this was really silly but went along with it for her friends and a medium sized bribe!"
"And me!" Mei Hatsume! The bride, the smartest one and the inventor of super cute babies, she who will marry Izuku today! Super bridal party!"
"Where evil rears its ugly face," Megumin purred.
Darkness smiled. "We'll take the field, with poise and grace!"
"We'll save the day, never fear," Uraraka cheered
"Because me, Mei the bride, is here!" Mei cackled.
"Wow," Kazuma said, shaking his head. "Didn't realize Megumin had been watching Super Sentai."
"What?!" Megumin cried, jumping up as the others relaxed into a normal position, mirroring the boys. "That was totally the Ginyu Force from Dragon Ball Z!"
"Yeah. So, a Super Sentai knock off," Kazuma agreed. He looked to Izuku. "Right? Back me up here man."
Izuku, however, was too busy clutching his stomach and laughing. He'd been nervous before, but those feelings were completely forgotten.
"Yeah, I've never heard of either of those," Tokoyami said with a shrug. "But it was certainly, ah, something. We should practice something like that for when we go into battle."
"Will you all shut up!?" Aqua demanded. "You are ruining my wedding ceremony!"
"Oh relax Aqua, this is Hatsume's show. Besides, Izuku seemed to enjoy it, and that's what matters," Kazuma said. He gave Megumin a thumbs up. "Ten points!"
"Yes!" Megumin said, grinning as the girls walked up to the dias. "I told you all the practice would pay off."
"That was fun! We should do weddings more often!" Mei said, grinning widely at Izuku. "What did you think? That was way better than all the boring stuff!"
"I loved it," Izuku said, going over to take Mei's hands in his own. "It was definitely more you than anything else I thought would happen."
"Can we get this back on track already?!" Aqua demanded.
"Oh just get to the good part already," Mei said. "We all know we're both going to say yes anyway!"
Aqua rolled her eyes. "Fine, we'll do it your way. Look, Izuku, do you love Mei and want to marry her?"
"Yes," Izuku said, the dopey grin appearing back on his face.
"Super. Hatsume, you-"
"I love Izuku very much and want to marry him and make lots of babies together! And not just the invention kind!" Mei interrupted.
Aqua sighed with a hand on her face. "Great. By the power vested in me, I-"
There was a loud bang, and flames spurted up behind Izuku and Mei, making both of them jump in surprise.
"THEN WE REND REALITY ASUNDER! BEHOLD! FOREVER MORE, THESE TWO SHALL BE JOINED AS ONE! GO FORTH, AND KICK ASS IN MY NAME!" Megumin cried. Izuku then finally noticed that two of her cultists had placed braziers full of coals behind them, which were now blazing with flames. He had thought those were for the celebration meal…
"No! I join these two in holy Matrimony, and I, Aqua, Goddess of WATER!" A deluge of water suddenly descended upon the braziers, quenching the fires, but also completely soaking the wedding party and the first couple rows of guests. "Do bind these two in holy matrimony!"
"YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE!" Megumin cackled.
"Kindle," Kazuma said, as he and Tokoyami held up two flares, each coming to life, spraying the stage in sparks.
Izuku and Mei finally came together, their mouths meeting as they ignored the chaos around them, and instead found solace in one another, even as a ranting Aqua began chasing a giggling Megumin around the dias.
They separated, grinning and holding each other.
"That," Blois said, wiping water off his face. "Was perhaps the most bizzare wedding I have ever seen."
"Stick around," Dark Shadow chuckled, now shrunken and sitting on Tokoyami's shoulder. "With this bunch around, something weirder is bound to happen!"
"I do not doubt that, strange demon," Blois agreed. He shrugged and smiled. "Well my lord, shall I show you to the wedding suite?"
"Yes!" Mei said enthusiastically. "We're going to have sex!"
Blois coughed, going red and trying in vain to hide a smile. "Um, yes, that is the traditional activity after one is wed. Come."
Izuku and Mei were led to a lavish suite consisting of rooms consisting of a giant four poster bed, and a large assortment of other amenities ensuring complete privacy. They were then left alone, still dripping wet, on a lush rug.
"Um, well, you er, look nice," Izuku managed, unsure of how to proceed from here. Not that he didn't understand the general mechanics of the thing, just that now he was here, he wasn't certain on what to do.
"I'm wet and cold." Mei complained. "Aren't you? Come on, help me take these off."
After that, Izuku figured things out pretty quickly. Even in the midst of the most terrifying time of his life, he had managed to find joy.
Author's Note:
So there it is. Easily the dumbest thing I've ever written. I would say I'm sorry, but I find this chapter to be the most hilarious one yet.
Chapter 16: Unleash the Holy SwordBeta'd and edited by The Evil Within
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Chapter 16: Unleash the Holy Sword!
So you have to decide between a life without sex or a gruesome death? Tough call.
- Phillip J. Fry
Lying on top of the tangled bedsheets, Kazuma and Megumin both panted for breath as they embraced on another.
"I think… I think that's everything. But well, you know," Kazuma gasped, grinning proudly at Megumin
"Yes," Megumin agreed, a smug look on her flushed face. "I guess no one can call you a virgin anymore."
"Hey now, technically, we're both still virgins," Kazuma protested, a lazy grin creeping across his lips.
"Yeah, no. Nice try though. Good grief."
Kazuma and Megumin let out a squawk of panic, clinging tighter to one another at the sudden voice.
"Who is it?!" Megumin demanded, grabbing for one of the sheets and trying to cover herself. "I'll blow them to bits! Exp-"
"Not inside!" Kazuma cried, covering her mouth. But he still glared at the drapes around them. "Skinning this bastard alive, however, isn't off the table. Where's my sword?!"
Megumin giggled. "Still worn out, it looks like."
"Not that! I mean Chunchunmaru!" Kazuma stuck his hand out to the dresser beyond the drapes, fumbling around for a moment. He also grabbed Megumin's staff, tossing it to her as he brandished his sword. Then the both of them stuck their heads out of the drapes, weapons at the ready. Kazuma blinked at the sight that greeted them.
Whatever he had expected, a harried looking Japanese salaryman in a cheap suit wasn't it. Despite the fact that it was the middle of the night, the man wore sunglasses, and was yawning into his hand.
"Will you two quit screwing around, literally and metaphorically, and get out here already?" the salaryman complained, glancing at a watch on his wrist tiredly. "Look, I'm very busy, and I just don't have time for this right now. Good grief, you goddesses pick the worst times for this."
"Hey man, what the hell are you doing here?! This is our private room!" Kazuma shouted, pointing his sword at the main in a shaking motion.
"Yes! And I left specific instructions that I would Explode anyone who interrupted us!" Megumin snarled. "So if you don't leave right now, so help me, I'll-"
"Yeah yeah, let's just take this somewhere else, you're clearly not going to cooperate," the salaryman sighed, snapping his fingers.
The next thing Kazuma knew, he was sitting naked in a chair itself floating in a pool of light, a shocked looking Megumin in an identical chair next to him, equally devoid of coverings.
"Alright, let's just get down to it," the salary man said, sighing again and sitting down across from them, a chair of his own suddenly manifesting. He took out a pen from his front pocket and clicked it, a clipboard appearing in a flash of color in his hands. "Let's see, you're the goddess of… Explosions?! Since when did we have a goddess of explosions!"
"What are you doing!?" Megumin cried, jumping behind her chair and trying to hide. "This is inappropriate! I am a goddess, you know! You can't just treat me like this!"
"Yeah!" Kazuma agreed from his own position hiding behind his chair and trying to cover himself, while also trying to get an eyeful of Megumin. The lighting was… doing interesting things to her sweat-covered skin, to say the least. And she always was cute when she was angry.
"I know, that's what I just said. Let's see, you were recruited by… oh, good grief. Of course. Aqua. I should have known." The salaryman rubbed his temples. "Ugh. What was the Chief thinking when she created Aqua? That goddess has been nothing but trouble."
"Well, I mean, yeah, but at least she doesn't kidnap people and make them answer questions while they're naked!" Kazuma shouted.
"Oh, right, sorry. Here." The salaryman snapped his fingers, and two sets of robes appeared on the chairs. Kazuma and Megumin quickly scrambled into them, still glaring at their abductor.
"Just who the hell are you, anyway?" Kazuma demanded. "The god of cockblocking assholes!?"
"You can call me John Smith," the man said, leafing through his clipboard. "I'm the god of, well, basically everything, though officially I'm the Director of Personnel or something. I'm from Upper Management."
Kazuma and Megumin shared a worried look, then slowly sat down in their chairs, feeling their indignation give way to subtle fear. Aqua had always warned them to stay away from Upper Management, or getting their attention, mostly because it would likely result in them being kicked out of the divine realm.
"So," Smith said, looking up with a hangdog expression. "Congratulations. You've slept with a goddess and/or your first mortal. Huzzah. There are, of course, consequences, Mister… wait. This can't be right. You're human, how are you 215? Where have you… Oh good grief."
"Um, I don't know what you're talking about," Kazuma said. "I'm obviously 17. Or was it 18? Look, see, I was an ordinary Japanese High School student, and-"
"No, you were a shut-in NEET that got swept up in our Isekai program, because those types are desperate enough that they'll let us throw them into the most absurd situations with minimal complaints," Smith interrupted, his eyes darting back and forth on the page before him. "Ok, just what was Aqua up to? She kept you here in the divine realm for centuries! What were you even doing all that time?!"
"Um, playing video games together, mostly," Megumin admitted.
Smith looked up at her, scowling, then flipped through a few pages. "Oh, you have to be kidding me. Of course. You two knew each other as mortals, and finally decided to consummate your relationship the moment you got sent back to the mortal realm. Well, since you're both technically inhabitants of the divine realm, I guess that makes you both gods which makes this even weirder, somehow."
"So… do I get to keep empowering my followers?" Megumin asked, clutching her staff nervously. "We really need them to finish taking down the Lord of the Tomb, and well, we were trying to stay technical virgins so-"
"Oh please. Just because you two managed to avoid sticking it in a single orifice when you thoroughly exploited every other way of getting each other off does not make you virgins by any but the most asinine of definitions. I'm not stupid, and neither is the Chief," Smith told them, sounding completely exasperated. "I swear, every god and goddess tries this the first time. Let's step back a second though. You're actually fighting Nazarick? And you haven't been utterly crushed yet?"
"Um, the Great Tomb? Yeah, we've iced a bunch of generals," Kazuma said, not too sure about the sudden topic shift. "We killed the Duke of Terror, this robot maid, a lightning wizard maid, and a weird girl who summoned an army of goblins."
"My group took out the Wolf Queen, a predator slime and a weird bug monster, and they all looked like maids too. Naturally, my incredible mastery of Explosion magic was key to our success, and I personally dealt the finishing blow to-"
Kazuma rolled his eyes and interrupted. "The kids with the weird quirks got most of the kills, you know, the ones from that crazy future version of Japan?"
Smith sat back, looking gobsmacked, while Megumin glared at Kazuma. "You've taken out five of the Pleiades and two Area Level Guardians? That's… OK. Well then. Look, we're going to make an exception, for now. Normally I'd give you the whole spiel, but honestly, this is more progress than I had any right to expect, especially not from a couple of half baked NEETs who seem to have stumbled their way into divinity. I'm overworked as it is, but finally managing to push Ainz back… yes. You're keeping your status as a goddess. Contingent on future performance."
"What about me?" Kazuma whined, having literally died for the cause. More than once.
"Well, I'm not instantly reincarnating you or sending you off to heaven, so count your literal blessings," Smith told him flatly, making Kazuma shut up and sit on his hands. "We're done here. We'll be having another talk once you've managed to either die again or driven Nazarick off your world. You can guess which one I'd prefer." Then, with another snap of his fingers, Kazuma and Megumin found themselves standing naked in their room once more.
"What just happened?" Kazuma asked, looking around and blinking. "Was that some stupid dream or something?"
"I think… I think he really was from Upper Management," Megumin said, clutching at herself and shivering. "Kazuma, I sensed an overwhelmingly powerful aura from him."
Awkwardly, Kazuma stepped forward, wrapping Megumin in his arms to comfort her. "Hey, it's alright. Seems like we got away with it, even impressed him. I mean, I guess those maids were really strong or something. But, you know what this means?" Kazuma leered down at Megumin, and to his delight, she gave him a smug grin.
"Yes. No reason not to go all the way now. But, is the Holy Sword ready to venture unknown depths?" Megumin teased, moving side to side slyly.
"Oh, I'll be sure to boldly go."
It took a little bit of effort, but as it turned out, Excalibur was indeed more than up to the task, to their mutual delights.
The next morning, after a bonus round, Kazuma strolled down to the shared dinning room, where Izuku and Tokoyami were sitting at a table together, stupid, satisfied grins on their faces. Kazuma attempted to wipe his own languid smile away, but decided it wasn't worth the effort.
"Good morning," Kazuma sighed, sitting at the table and sipping at his mug of hot tea.
"Yeah," Midoriya said, sounding dazed. "It's good."
"Very good," Tokoyami agreed, his tone more distant than usual. Dark Shadow was on the floor, snoring with an arm covering his face.
Kazuma raised his mug to the center of the table in a silent toast, and the other two gently tapped their to his in agreement.
"We have become men," Kazuma said seriously. "No longer shall anyone call us virgin NEETs."
"No one ever called either of us a NEET, Kazuma," Tokoyami chuckled. "And we didn't spend hundreds of years as virgins, so we've hardly shed wizard status as you have."
"I thought Megumin was the wizard and you were an Adventurer?" Midoriya asked, looking a bit confused.
"You know, I'm going to let that go, just for today," Kazuma sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Nothing could go wrong today. Heck, I even feel like I could march right up to the Lord of the Tomb, and say-"
"KAZUMAAAAAAA!" Aqua wailed rushing into the room. She was still in her pajamas, and her hair was a frazzled mess. She frantically rushed over to Kazuma, who held up his hand, sipping at his tea.
"Aqua, I'm in a good mood this morning. So whatever disaster you're going to drop on me, it can at least wait until after breakfast."
"Upper Management came! I'm in so much trouble! They found out that I was keeping you in the Divine Realm against regulations and they said that I'm going to face serious consequences! What do I do?! This is all your fault!" Aqua wailed, dropping on her knees and soaking Kazuma's arm with literal rivers of tears.
"Oh relax. Smitty or whatever wasn't so bad. Why, he paid Megumin and I a visit last night, even said congratulations and stuff. Hell, he even confirmed I'm a god, so things are going to be just fine," Kazuma consoled Aqua, though each word seemed to stab into her instead.
"You don't understand! He said… he said if we don't defeat the Lord of the Tomb in this world, he's going to, he's going to," Aqua hiccuped, tears and snot streaming down her face. "Make me mortal!"
Izuku and Tokoyami exchanged flat looks.
"Oh, the horror," Tokoyami said dryly.
"I mean… it could be worse?" Izuku managed.
Kazuma, on the other hand, started freaking out. "What!? He can't do that! You're our only prayer against the guy! It's your stupidly OP goddess powers that give us a chance to take down that undead bastard!"
"What's happening now?" Uraraka groaned, walking into the room and scratching at herself. She yawned. "I heard Aqua making a fuss from my room. What happened?"
"I'm going to get kicked out of the divine realm forever!" Aqua wailed. "I'll lose all my stuff, and my powers and… and I'd have to… huh."
"What?" Kazuma demanded, feeling sick with panic. "What? You'll be able to still help, right?"
"No, I mean… I could just hang out with all of you," Aqua mused. "I mean, that's what I really wanted anyway. Sure, we'd die and all, but I know people, they owe me some favors. We could all just get reincarnated and be friends forever!" Aqua cheered, seemingly completely over her previous fear.
"You useless idiot!" Kazuma snapped, grabbing Aqua's shoulders and shaking her violently. "No one's getting reincarnated if the Lord of the Tomb takes over all the worlds and wipes out all the humans like he's been trying to do!"
Tears welled up in Aqua's eyes again. "It's not my fault! I've been trying to stop him by giving people all sorts of cheat items! But I didn't want to send you all back because if my friends died again I'd feel terrible, and if he kills me while I'm here like this I'll be gone forever and I'll never get to see any of you again!"
That brought Kazuma up short. "You mean… you couldn't be reborn, or anything?"
"No, I'm not just incarnated, I'm fully here. There's nothing back in the divine realm for me, if I die, I'm gone forever," Aqua said mournfully. She sniffed. "I mean, it happens to all gods eventually. You lose all your followers, or you just get bored after a few hundred millennia and just… go away. I didn't really care before, but ever since I met you, and Megumin, and Darkness, and now Midoriya and Hatsume and I guess even Uraraka and Tokoyami, my life's been a lot more fun. So… I guess maybe being a mortal won't be too bad…"
Blinking, Kazuma looked down at Aqua. "You really mean…? Aqua… that means a lot, but… this isn't the time to be losing your goddess powers."
"Actually, I have something to confess," Megumin said, fidgeting with her staff as she walked into the dining room. "Um, Kazuma and I sort of attracted the attention of Upper Management last night, and we maybe almost lost my own goddess status. Apparently, they don't believe in technical virgins."
"Oh." Tokoyami blushed, looking over to Darkness, who tried to hide behind her mug of ale. "We, er, sort of got busted last night too."
"See, this is what happens when you all act like a bunch of horny perverts. Much easier just to stay single," Uraraka sighed. "I guess I'm the only one who DIDN'T get a night visitor because I actually managed to keep it in my pants."
"You have a boy thing?" Mei asked, skipping into the room. She hurried over and sat down next to Izuku, looking very pleased with herself. "They are a lot of fun you know, but I do not think I would want one myself, it would feel funny."
Uraraka sputtered, going red. "I don't-look, it's just an expression. So what's the long and short of things?"
"Basically, we have to go defeat the Lord of the Tomb. Smith said something about Ainz? Is that his name?" Kazuma asked.
Aqua gave him a weird look. "Yeah, don't you remember?"
"Remember what?" Kazuma asked, as Megumin planted herself on his lap, sticking her tongue out at Uraraka. It was rather nice, actually, and he put an affectionate hand on her hip. She adjusted it to somewhere more… interesting. Man, she was great.
"We went to school together for like a year or something with Ainz. Seriously? I thought you were smarter than that, Kazuma. Obviously he's the Lord of the Tomb."
"Wait, when did you and I ever go to school together?" Kazuma demanded. "Did you know me back in Japan? Why did you never mention this!"
"I mean, it might have been in Japan. Don't you remember? It was a plot by Upper Management or something to make us 'grow as individuals' or whatever. We were all there, even Yunyun and Eris and that smug prick Vanir," Aqua explained, not understanding how he wasn't remembering this.
"What are you talking about?" Megumin said, scowling. "I went to school with Yunyun, but the rest of you didn't, and I certainly don't remember Vanir being there or this Ainz."
"Are you kidding?! We were there forever! We were in Class 2, and that weird guy Roswaal from Subaru and them's world was our teacher," Aqua said.
"Aqua, I don't remember anything like that," Darkness said slowly. "Why don't you tell us about it."
Kazuma sat, flabbergasted, as Aqua went through what sounded like an improbable and impossible time where apparently, he and his three friends (and Yunyun) had gone to school with a bunch of people from other worlds, including, it seemed, the Lord of the Tomb Ainz Ooal Gown, and the maids that they'd killed.
"How… how do I not remember this?" Kazuma said, rubbing his forehead and scowling.
"I don't know, you guys never talked about it so I didn't either. But I always knew Ainz and his flunkies were bad news! That's why I tried to kill him while we were together, but the stupid rules there prevented me from exacting rightieous justice upon him!" Aqua declared.
"Well, that explains why he's looking for Aqua then," Izuku observed. "These Pleiades, they were looking for Aqua, trying to kill her. That must be why he invaded your world."
Aqua looked thunderstruck. "You mean… it's my fault that Kazuma, and Darkness, and Megumin… and all my other friends… it's my fault everyone died?"
"Perhaps that is why Ainz seeks you in particular, but it is clear he's been conquering other worlds at a rapid pace," Tokoyami pointed out. "He would have found your world eventually."
"Yeah, and he seems bent on killing all the humans he finds. Personally, I think it's good you stood up to him Aqua," Uraraka said. "The only problem is, you didn't manage to finish the job."
"Well, now we can fix that, and kill this jerk like we did all the other ones!" Mei proclaimed.
"You did good though, I don't know why we don't remember this, but it could be really useful." Kazuma said, smiling at Aqua. "This time though, I think we'll need your help to beat him. You said he's undead, right? Well, I don't know anyone better at beating the undead than you, Aqua. Plus, this time we've got some help along."
Authors Note:
This is and always has been, primarily a Konosuba/MHA crossover. However, Isekai Quartet is canon (for a given value of how seriously you can take it). Outside of those taking the antagonist role, at best the others will get a cameo. As alluded to earlier, various members of the MHA cast got Isekai'd to other worlds connected to Isekai Quartet. All you really need to know is that the big bad (AKA Ainz AKA The Lord of the Tomb) figured out there were other worlds, and decided to conquer them, and really wants to kill Aqua for some reason. The rest is just flavoring for the wider universe.
John Smith is… someone else.
Chapter 17: Game Over, ManBeta'd and Edited by The Evil Within
[img: . ]
Chapter 17: Game Over, Man
Rule 40: I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
-The Evil Overlord List
"There, that should do it! This is easily the cutest baby I have ever made!" Mei laughed happily, adjusting the last strap on Izuku's yet-again upgraded armor.
Izuku smiled down at her, rolling his shoulders to make sure the suit fit well when he moved. "Not as cute as you are."
"That is very nice of you to say," Mei said and gave Izuku's arm a quick hug.
He pulled her up into a longer one though, giving Mei a tight squeeze. "We'll do it, Mei. Defeat the Lord of the Tomb, and go home. All of us."
"Yes," Mei agreed, sounding subdued. "I miss my family. It has been fun sometimes being here, but also scary. I am glad I got to meet you here, Izuku."
Izuku swallowed. "There, is, um, also the slight, er, issue of us being married."
"Why?" Mei asked, frowning. "My dad said having sex was for people who were married, and we did that, so he will not be mad. My family will be sad they did not get to come, but they were in a different world so they could not have come anyway."
"Well, I mean, we're only 16. And, um, my mom at least is going to have a fit," Izuku explained, chuckling nervously.
"Well, you will just have to tell her how amazing I am, and that you were being very responsible," Mei told him seriously. "I will tell my parents the same thing. Besides, you are not sad we got married, are you?"
"No, not at all," Izuku admitted with no hesitation. He swallowed, but forced a bigger smile. "Besides, everything will be fine. We've won every battle so far, so we'll just have to win this one too, right?"
"Yes. I made special, extra cute babies, just for this!" Mei agreed. Then she sobered again and squeezed Izuku tighter. "Just be careful. Megumin says the Lord of the Tomb is very scary, and killed her and Kazuma last time. I do not want them or you to die."
"Of course not. I promise. I won't let anyone die. Including myself." Izuku promised, planting a small kiss on her head, as she buried her face in the crook of his neck.
With the final fittings now done, they stepped out of their room in the manor they'd been staying at for the past few days, and headed outside to where the others were waiting.
"Ready?" Uraraka asked, smiling at Izuku.
"Yeah," he agreed, matching her smile and giving her a thumbs up. "Let's do this."
"Oh relax, we're at least a week's ride away from the enemy base," Kazuma pointed out from where he was slouching against the wall.
"We must still be ever vigilant however!" Darkness declared, grunting as she adjusted the saddle girth resting on her enormous warhorse. Her dire message was also somewhat ruined by the obvious excitement on her face. "There will surely be strong monsters along the way for us to battle, eager to tear us asunder and crush our very souls! Giant, tough, horrifying monsters!"
"The way is certain to be perilous," Tokoyami agreed, shaking his head as he climbed into the saddle of his own black horse. "But our duty is clear. We must go now, while we still have this chance."
"Yeah," Izuku nodded, leading his own horse out of its stall and patting his muzzle. "I saw Blois and his knights die once already. Even if Aqua can bring them back… it's not something I'd want to see again."
"Yes," Mei agreed. "We are strong enough to fight the bad guys, but I do not want to see anyone else die."
"I still think we should have let them give us a parade," Aqua whined from her own horse, which was ignoring most of her efforts to direct it. "It would have been fun!"
"No, a true Crimson Demon must go to face their foes in the most dramatic way possible. Sneaking out in the middle of the night is a suitably mysterious method," Megumin declared.
"Yeah, let's just hope the horses don't all panic when I float them over the wall," Uraraka sighed. "Let's just get the blinders on them, and-"
"There is no need for that, my friends." Everyone turned to see Kaiser Frederik and Marquess Blois, along with their attendants, walked out from the darkness.
"It was a noble attempt, to be sure," Blois chuckled. "But you were, perhaps, a bit too obvious that we would not be seeing you again at the banquet earlier. I believe I was even told goodbye as many as three separate times!"
"Hey, look, you can't come with us," Kazuma said, walking over to put himself in the way of the nobles. "We get it, you're brave, and strong, and honestly, I sort of like you, Fred. But if you come, you'll just get in our way. Sorry not sorry."
"Kazuma!" Darkness hissed. "He is a king! Show proper respect."
"Yeah, and I'm a hero and basically a god, so I outrank him anyway," Kazuma pointed out with a shrug.
The Kaiser, for his part, chuckled and raised a hand to reassure Darkness. "It is fine. I have grown used to your groups… unique sensibilities, shall we say. And while it hurts my pride both as a warrior and kaiser, you are correct on that judgement. Even with our most powerful relics, we would do little to aid you."
"It pains me to see you trust us so little that you would think you must sneak away in the night to protect us," Blois added, shaking his head. But then he smiled. "I can understand your motivations on the matter. Despite your odd ways, you all have a sense of true nobility about you."
Izuku stepped forward, extending his hand to Blois. "Thank you. For everything you've done."
Blois hesitated, then took Izuku's hand and shook it firmly. "I am not sure what I have done for you, Lord Wolfsbane, but you have my thanks and gratitude for saving my people."
"You supported a bunch of strangers from another world, even when you weren't sure about us. You always helped us, even when, well, we did some odd things by anyone's measurement," Izuku chuckled nervously.
"Ha! I would put up with much stranger, for the benefits you gave us. I would tell you to go with the Goddess' blessing with you, but, well, it seems she too must leave us now." Blois bowed deeply to Aqua, who gave him a benevolent smile. For a moment, she actually looked like a holy figure of worship. Then she reached down from her horse to bless Blois, only to let out a squawk and tumble out of her saddle. Izuku caught Blois hiding a smile, and wondered just what he really thought of the crazy goddess.
Aqua stood as if nothing happened, smoothing her hair and trying to quietly remount her horse, which still refused to acknowledge her. Izuku carefully did not mention the horse manure smeared on her rear. "You have my blessing, Lord Blois. Keep to my tenants, and I shall ever be with you."
The gathered nobles bowed and muttered their thanks, and Aqua grinned triumphantly, then was nearly bucked off again in a rather undignified fashion. "Stupid horses."
"The guards at the gates know to expect you," the Kaiser told them. "Our prayers shall go with you, brave heroes. Save our world."
They then rode off through the dark streets of the city, the few people still out pausing as they went past. Some bowed, others cried out in thanks or praise, some clutched holy symbols and spoke prayers to Aqua, or struck ludicrous poses and shouted out thanks to Megumin.
"Feels kinda nice to be appreciated for once," Kazuma mused, before sighing. "I'll miss it, that's for sure."
"Didn't people appreciate you saving your world from the Devil King?" Izuku asked, honestly curious.
Kazuma blanched. "I mean, a few did. But we didn't really last long enough after that to actually enjoy any kind of reward. Honestly, we sort of defeated him mostly in secret, and well, our party didn't exactly have the best reputation."
"Our closer friends knew, as did her royal highness, Iris," Darkness shared, her white teeth flashing in the darkness as they rode out of the city gates, the guards bowing to them as they left. "Besides, we all know you would have soon grown bored if you'd simply sat around your mansion all day, Kazuma."
"Bored? Bored!? Are you kidding! I would have been thrilled! A NEET, finally back in his natural habitat! I tell you what, the first thing I'm doing after we kill this Ainz guy is shacking up with Megumin and a couple of gaming PCs for a century at least!" Kazuma declared with an arm pointed to the sky.
Megumin grinned. "You should join us! We would have enough for a proper raiding party to take down even the fiercest of bosses!"
"Video games are boring," Mei declared, shaking her head.
"Yeah, I don't really play a lot of games either." Izuku admitted.
"Video games are a waste of time and money," Uraraka huffed. "Best to find cheaper forms of entertainment, such as reading, or going for walks!"
"Friggin' cheapskate," Kazuma complained. He suddenly stiffened. "Oh shit! Everyone get-"
Behind them, there was a sudden bright flash, and Izuku was flung from his horse to the ground as the animal screamed in panic. Only Kazuma and Darkness managed to retain their seats, the entire party turning to watch as the city of Hauptstadt was engulfed in an unholy white light. Contrasting it, a sickly looking dark fog began to radiate from the city as well, and Izuku finally managed to stagger upright.
One of the horses ran naying loudly back towards the gate, only to suddenly fall, skidding to a stop, seemingly dead the moment a dark tendril touched it.
"What, what is that?" Tokoyami gasped out, gasping as he took steps back to avoid the encroaching 'fog'.
"Look!" Mei cried, pointing up at the night sky. "The stars!"
A blackness deeper than anything Izuku had ever seen seemed to blot out the stars above Hauptstadt, falling onto the city as well, utterly obscuring it for a moment.
Izuku stared wide, eyed, his heart thundering in his chest. "What…"
The darkness suddenly vanished as Aqua raised her hand to the sky. "Goddess's Light!"
A bright shining star arose, bathing the area in light. Izuku blinked as his eyes adjusted, still looking back at the city as a sense of supreme dread filled him.
"Oh no," Mei whispered. "Oh no oh no oh no. They can't be but they are. They… they're all dead."
She pointed, and even from this distance Izuku could see the guards lying beside their posts, their bodies now in visibly unnatural positions.
A strange bleating sound seemed to fill the air, pounding in their ears like an alien heartbeat, before out of the city gate a horror beyond anything Izuku had ever imagined appeared. It was enormous, so tall that as it moved forward, it shattered the 10 meter high gate. It was made of utter blackness mixed with dozens of mouths, dark tendrils flailing wildly from random places scoring long lines through the ground and cobblestone . As it got closer, they could also see it moved on seven giant hooves, giving it an unnatural, rolling gate as it strode forward. Long tongues lolling from its mouth.
"EXPLOSION!" Mei shrieked in justified fear, pointing at the horror. The blast that hit the beast staggered it, causing it to sink to its knees for a moment. The opening was not wasted.
It was Izuku's chance to strike, dashing forward, carefully slamming his fist into one of the things gaping maws. "SMASH!"
The beast managed to bleat once more, before the orifice was completely flattened from the forces it was faced with. With a half garbled shriek, the mouth, and subsequent length of tentacle it was attached to, then dissolved to inky blackness that parted away like normal mist.
"What… what was that?" Izuku panted, landing back besides his group thanks to his same impact. His eyes suddenly widened. "Tokoyami! Behind!"
The other boy reacted instantly, spinning around as Dark Shadow shrieked in outrage. He was warned just in time, barely deflecting the blow from the man that had hidden in the shadows. Still, the attack staggered Tokoyami and made Dark Shadow reel, despite the fact that as it was night, when the quirk was at the height of its power.
"Hmph," the attacker hummed, stepping back and dusting himself off casually. He was oddly dressed in a formal suit, with a silver tie and cravat that matched his hair. "So you are as strong as I thought. To take out a dark young so quickly… it is no wonder you defeated my subordinates so easily."
"Izuku," Mei gasped, and he hurried back to her side. Tears were streaming down her face, and Mei had to push up her goggles before they filled with water. "The people… they're really all dead."
"What?" Izuku asked, his heart skipping a beat. "Mei, you can't mean-"
"In the city," Mei gasped, grabbing onto Izuku's arms, her eyes wild. "My goggles… their bodies, they're cooling already. I can see it. Everyone… everything is dead. Those things… there are more of them, at least five."
"WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?" Aqua roared, a blue aura surrounding her body, her eyes suddenly alight with power. "I FELT THAT! MY FOLLOWERS! YOU SLAUGHTERED THEM!"
"Indeed," the man agreed. "And in the other city, just now, Yuri Alpha has summoned more Dark Young using the scroll our Master prepared for us. This should deprive you of the majority of your followers on this world, while also snuffing out the most of the remaining human lives in a single stroke. I regret such actions were necessary, but such is the will of my Master."
"I'LL KILL YOU!" Aqua snarled, raising her fist. "GODDESS-"
"Wait," Kazuma said, catching Aqua's fist. "This guy… he nearly took out Tokoyami in one hit. You need to stay back, Aqua. He's here to kill us. We'll need your healing."
"Well. It appears you will not be goaded so easily," the man sighed in disappointment. He then shrugged. "Well, then I leave you to the dark young."
"You're not going anywhere!" Izuku roared, leaping forward, his fist raised and body sparking with One For All.
The man simply raised a glowing cylinder. "Teleport."
He vanished in a glow as Izuku struck the air where he had been, his blow sending out a gale that tore up trees and threw boulders in its path. Izuku stood, looking around, wild eyed for vantage points his opponent might have escaped to.
"He's gone," Kazuma said quietly. "Shit. I couldn't even detect him most of the time with my Sense Foe. He's got some sort of stealth abilities."
"Where'd he go?" Izuku demanded. "Where!?"
"Oh my God," Uraraka whispered. "There's more of those things. They're still destroying the city. Come on! We have to stop them!"
Aqua turned back to the city, raising her hands above her head. "SACRED EXORCISM!"
A blue glow enveloped the entire city, illuminating five dark shapes that were rampaging through it. They let out bellows of pain like a hellish chorus, even from this distance, but still vanished to mist.
"Take… that… you… bastards…" Aqua grunted, before slumping to the ground on her hands and needs. Her fingers dug at the dirt. "I can't… oh god…" She vomited onto the ground, the rainbow color of it not helping the atmosphere at all.
Izuku looked over to Megumin, who was openly weeping in Kazuma's arms, dry retching herself from the instant loss of their new friends. Slowly, he walked over to the still weeping Mei, who seemed to be see everything and nothing, gently taking her from Darkness's near crushing embrace.. He hugged her to himself tightly, tears filling his eyes.
"Izuku… Izuku, we failed," Mei wept, clinging to him. "Oh God, Izuku. They're all gone."
Kazuma went back into the city, looking for any possible survivors that might have been missed, leaving the shuddering Megumin with Darkness, who cradled both Aqua and Megumin in her arms as the other girls wept uncontrollably. They all knew he wouldn't find anybody.
A half hour later, Kazuma returned, just as the sky was beginning to light with the dawn. He was chalk white, the color having fled out of his body. He shook his head, slumping to the ground beside the fire that Uraraka had built, looking for anything to distract herself with.
"There's nothing but bodies," Kazuma said quietly. "They're all dead. Even the animals. I didn't see a single living rat or bug."
"Is this… is this what befell Belzerg?" Darkness asked, her eyes sunken and haunted.
Aqua shivered, wrapped in a blanket as Uraraka rubbed her back. "No. That spell… it wouldn't have hurt any of us. Well, it would have hurt us, but not killed us. That spell only kills low level targets, but anything a little stronger would resist it. Most people in Belzerg, they would have resisted it, they had at least ten or so levels. That spell wasn't meant to kill us though. Those things… they could have. But that, all of this, that was just meant to wipe out as many humans as possible."
"They're going to pay," Izuku growled, his fists clenched so tightly that they hurt. "They're all going to pay. I'm going to hunt down every last one of the Lord of the Tombs servants, and bring them to justice!"
"How convenient then, we had the same thought?"
Izuku and the others sprang to their feet, bracing to face the group that had appeared not far from them.
The man from before was there, as well as two women, one dressed as a maid, the other as some sort of shrine priestess. Behind them stood an enormous monster of some sort, made of stone with glowing red eyes. Around those four stood a frankly massive army of undead adorned in glowing golden armor, shining silver spears in their skeletal hands.
"Megumin has already used much of her devotion," the man mused. "And they must be worn from fighting the dark young. Gargantua, kill them."
With a groan of grinding boulders, the enormous rock monster strode forward, it's great legs causing the earth to tremble beneath it.
"Master Guarders! Forward!" the woman in the miko dress ordered. "Slaughter then in the name of our master!"
Megumin slowly stood, the blanket that had been wrapping her body falling away. She raised her staff, her expression one of utter fury. "EXPLOSION!"
Her blast struck the great golem head on, causing it to groan and sink to one knee, one arm instantly reduced to rubble.
"Hmph," the butler huffed, waving his arm to clear the dust before him. "Impressive. Tenth tier magic in an instant, very dangerous. But we know your tricks, or rather, trick. You can use that spell but once. And even that is not enough to fell-"
"Aqua," Megumin said calmly. "Shield us."
Aqua raised a sphere of water about the group, just as Megumin raised her staff above her head. "WITNESS THE WRATH OF A GODDESS SCORNED! DIVINE EXPLOSION!"
The second blast utterly consumed the giant golem, first melting the rock it was made of, then reducing it to flinders. The following burst of super heated rock pierced through a wide area of the golden armored undead, scoring holes through their previously untouched armor at the farthest, while many of those closest to the blast were reduced to ash outright.
When the dust cleared though, the man and two women were unaffected, if a bit dustier from having raised their own barrier. And now Megumin was down, panting and exhausted.
"That's all I have," she grunted, falling to her rear and barely upright if not for her staff catching her. "It's your turn now."
"Tokoyami, on me!" Darkness shouted rushing forward with her sword held high.
"DARK SHADOW!" Tokoyami roared. "SLAY THEM!"
"KILL!" Dark Shadow shrieked, claws expanding where the light refused to touch.
Izuku dashed forward with them, attempting to flank them with his fist raised as he gritted his teeth, mind filled with pure fury.
"FLY MY BABIES!" Mei cried behind them, launching an explosive barrage from her crossbow that shredded into the ranks of the undead that tried to interpose themselves before their masters.
The three foes scattered, forcing them to abandon their pincer maneuver, and Izuku found himself facing the butler.
"SMASH!" Izuku roared, channeling as much power to his fist as he could handle.
To his shock however, the man redirected his blow with a small grunt. "Strong. But untrained. Heel Drop Kick!"
The man's foot crashed into the crown of Izuku's head, driving him into the ground. Izuku felt the familiar sting of bones breaking, and cried out in pain which was quickly bitten back as he stared hatefully up at his foe. Above him, the butler merely shook his head. "And so it ends before it begins. Human Killing Blow!"
"HEAL!"
Golden light enveloped Izuku, and his hand shot up, deflecting the rabbit punch from the butler, leaving it to 'fire' off to the side, creating a completely clear circle through a nearby tree.
Behind him, Aqua panted, a vicious smile firmly on her face. "Get him now, Uraraka!"
The man looked up, deflecting a blow from Uraraka. He sneered at her, but when he made to attack, he instead floated away, off of the ground. He grimaced, but kicked his legs in a side kick, propelling himself back towards Uraraka. Izuku jumped in the way, using his own take on the technique to send the man flying back through the air.
Kazuma pointed up, grinning. "Weight!"
There was another blinding flash, leaving Izuku buffeted by the shockwaves as he fell back to the ground, already searching for who in their group needed help the most, as the butler engulfed in a massive explosion. He turned towards Darkness, who was battering away at the maid.
"What is this?" the maid gasped. "You are not supposed to land a single blow! Omega, we should retreat, they are too strong! This is not right!"
"You are not getting away from me," Darkness snarled, and her sword slashed into the maid's shoulder.
Her opponent cried out, then shouted, "Kibakushou!" the resulting shockwave sent Darkness flying back, but Izuku had already been moving in.
"HAUPSTADT SMASH!" he roared, his gauntlet connecting with the maid's chest. With a deafening crash, blow and following explosive blast ripped her clean in half, her torso tumbling away as her legs slid across the field.
Izuku finally looked to the Miko, who was using shadowy magic to fight Dark Shadow and finally showing a hit of emotion besides disdain. It seemed that for all her attacks caused pain, they also backfired by creating the perfect environment to strengthen the quirk manifestation, who had since grown full wings and multiple roaring heads, before it finally grabbed the miko between two of its talons.
"VENGEANCE!" Tokoyami shouted, a maddened anger coursing through him as Dark Shadow ripped the miko limb from limb with a shriek of triumph.
Izuku simply stood there for a moment, barely comprehending the scene, looking down at his own bloodied hands. He forced down the bile in his throat. He wouldn't regret killing this woman. He couldn't. Not after what they'd done. Now, and most likely countless times before to less fortunate worlds.
"Did… did we win?" Kazuma asked, looking utterly stunned from his own place on the ground. He kicked away the last of the golden undead he and Mei had been fighting. There were dozens of undead bones scattered about their feet, where the two of them had been fighting to protect the helpless Megumin.
Uraraka shook her head, her eyes haunted. "This… this doesn't feel like winning."
"This is impossible…"
Everyone turned to gape as the butler staggered to his feet, clutching at his bloodied head. "What magic is this? It is not… neither the gods, nor any other world has magics such as these."
Izuku surged over, aiming a fist for the man's face. To his shock, he caught the blow, grinning despite the fact that one of his eye sockets was now an empty ruin. "As I said. Strong. But unskilled." He suddenly countered, his fist driving into Izuku's gut, and he stumbled back.
"I shall report this to my Master. You think you have won? You have only faced the first of the legions of the Great Tomb. We shall-"
Darkness' sword emerged from the butler's chest, cutting him off. He coughed wetly, looking down in dull surprise at the blade.
"You can speak to your master in hell!" Darkness roared, yanking her sword free, and with a single stroke, lopping the butler's head from his shoulders. The corpse fell wetly to the ground, a pool of blood forming about it.
"Father, you are, avenged," Darkness panted. Then she burst into tears, falling to her knees as Tokoyami came over to her. Even Dark Shadow seemed to have had its fill of violence, wrapping both its master and mistress in a dark embrace.
"What do I do?" Aqua whispered, looking helplessly at the city. "I can't… I can't even begin to resurrect that many people. I'm… I'm almost out of prayers and offerings, and… and with so many dead…" she broke down, tears falling as she sank to her knees.
Izuku went over to Mei, all but falling to his own knees as he began hugging her tightly as they grieved at the horrifying loss..
"So, now what?" Kazuma somberly asked, looking to Aqua. "Do we get sent back, or…? There can't be more, can there?"
"I don't know," Aqua admitted. "This… I don't know what to do."
"Well, then it's a good thing I was paying attention. Good grief. This is a mess." A salary man appeared amidst the carnage, shaking his head as he looked around.
"You!" Kazuma snarled. "Smith, you son of a bitch! You're supposed to be a big shot god! Why didn't you help!"
Smith frowned slightly. "I was occupied."
Aqua let out a snarl and stalked forward. She looked up at Smith, her face reflected in his sunglasses, showing her wrinkled dress and red puffy eyes . Then she punched him, right in the jaw. "Screw you! You're supposed to be Upper Management! We're GODS! We're supposed to stop stuff like this from happening! Where were you!? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN!?"
Smith rubbed his jaw, shaking his head. "Well. When you put it like that, I suppose I'll have to call in backup for this." He took a step back as Aqua raised her fist, taking out an old style flip phone. "Just a moment. I'll deal with this."
Everyone watched as he held down a key on the phone, then held it to his ear. "Nagato? Yeah, it's me. Listen, I need a favor. Whole server rollback." He suddenly pointed at Izuku. "You, about how long have you been here?"
Izuku blinked. "Um, just over two months?"
"Three months, to be safe. Yes, I know the trouble it will cause. Look, I'll deal with the Chief. Alright. Thanks. Love you too. See you for dinner tonight, I'll bring home something for us to celebrate with. Mhmm. Smith out." He flipped his phone shut. "Right, roll back will happen in five. So let's get you all out of here."
"What do you mean, roll back?!" Aqua demanded. "How is that going to help!? What even is that!"
"We'll just reset the world to before this all happens," Smith casually explained. Then, he raised a hand, and snapped his fingers.
Izuku found himself standing in the blue circle once more, alone. He spun around frantically. "Mei?! Where are you?! Uraraka, Tokoyami, Kazuma, where-"
"Calm down kid," Smith said, appearing from nowhere. "I separated you all to make this easier. Right. Congratulations. You saved the whole world. Probably more. Good job."
"What did you do to my friends?" Izuku snarled, falling into a fighting stance.
Smith sighed. "They're fine. Have a seat."
"No! Not until I see Mei and the others!" Izuku demanded. "I'm not afraid of you, you bring them back or-"
"Yeah, we're not doing this now," Smith sighed. "Right, you're getting rolled back too. Thanks, kid. You did good."
Izuku charged forward with a roar, but fell screaming into nothingness.
The next thing he knew, he was tangled in something, his vision gone. He roared in anger, thrashing about, slamming into objects. He raised a fist, ready to smash anything and everything that got in his way.
"Izuku! Izuku, calm down, what's the matter!?"
He froze, his fist still raised.
"Oh my God, Izuku, what happened?! Was it a bad dream? It's OK, don't worry, I'm here," his mother said.
The light came on, and Izuku blinked. He reached up, pulling his blanket away from his face. He was on the floor of his old room. Above him stood his mother, wringing her hands.
"Mom?" Izuku gasped. "What…?"
"Izkuku, it's ok! You're still going to UA!" his mother said, gently putting her arms around him. "It's OK. It's real. Whatever that was, it was just a dream."
"Just… just a dream?" Izuku whispered. "No…"
"Relax, sweetie," his mother laughed. "You start your first day of high school!" She glanced at Izuku's clock, frowning. "Well. I suppose you were going to get up in an hour anyway. Come on. I'll make breakfast."
"Breakfast?" Izuku asked stupidly.
"Of course," Inko said, bustling to the kitchen. "A nice big breakfast, for my growing boy! High School already! And your dream, the hero program at UA!"
"No," Izuku whispered. "Oh goddess, no. It can't have been just a dream…"
That was when the pounding on the door started.
Author's Note:
One week left to vote in the poll. You can change your vote, so don't worry if you decide to change it after the last chapter of the season comes out.
Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2020
Chapter 18: Hail to the Chief, BabyBeta'd and Edited by The Evil Within
[img: . ]
Chapter 18: Hail to the Chief, Baby
Let's make peace with our Maker! It's time for us to go to var!
-The Godslayer
Gods, goddesses, and angels of all stripes hurried out of Aqua's way as she stormed through the corridors of Headquarters, a snarl of pure rage on her face, hands balled into fists at her sides.
One particularly brave, or stupid, archangel swallowed, and attempted to bar her way. "Um, miss, this is the Chief's office, if you'll just have a seat I'll-"
"GODDESS REQUIEM!" Aqua roared, and decked the Archangel quite literally into next week, by way of hitting him into one of the halls of time, where he emerged the next Wednesday with a very sore jaw.
Striding up to the huge double doors that barred the way into the realm of the Chief Goddess, Aqua took a deep breath. Then, she set her jaw, rolled up her nonexistent sleeves, and shoved the doors wide open with a deafening bang.
"Aqua?!"
She spun, ready to harangue whoever was trying to stop her, but Aqua found herself looking at the tear stained face of her subordinate, Eris, Goddess of Fortune.
"Why are you here?" Aqua demanded bluntly.
Eris shied away at first, but then squared her shoulders and puffed out her chest, planting herself before Aqua. "They didn't call you here to berate me too, did they? Look, I'm not sorry! We saved Belzerg! I don't care how many rules I broke, or what they say, it was the right thing to do!"
Aqua tilted her head to one side. "You were fighting the Lord of the Tomb, weren't you? Kazuma said something about it. With Yunyun, and those kids from that world with quirks."
"I-um, yes. But listen, Aqua, I know it sounds crazy, but we drove the forces of Nazerick off of Belzerg! It's free now! I… I had to help! I know we were forbidden from going to the worlds conquered by the enemy, but I didn't have any choice! My followers, they NEEDED me!"
Quickly, Aqua nodded. "So, Upper Management called you here to chew you out too, huh?"
"Yes. But, Aqua, I'm not backing down! Even… even if I do get in trouble for what I did."
"Good. Come on. I'm going to go give the Chief a piece of my mind," Aqua snarled as she grabbed Eris by the wrist, snapping her from her defensive stance instantly.
"You what?!" Eris squeaked.
"Those kids did not deserve what was done to them! We should be rewarding them, not wiping their memories and shoving them back to their world!" Aqua snapped as she strode down the hall.
"Oh! Yes, yes, I agree with you!" Eris said eagerly, hurrying to keep up. "Without their help, I never could have managed to free Belzerg at last!"
"So, you're with me?" Aqua said grimly as they came to the final door, emblazoned with the symbol of the Chief Goddess: SOS.
"Yes," Eris agreed, taking a deep breath. "Too many of our followers have suffered for too long."
Aqua nodded. "Damn straight!"
She kicked the door open, striding into the room, where a large desk sat. On it was a placard that read, Chief Goddess: Comedy Division. Behind it was the Chief Goddess herself, talking on the phone as she twirled a pen in her hand, seemingly more interested in it than whoever she was talking to.
"Alright, you listen here!" Aqua shouted. "What you did to Kazuma and Midoriya and the others is-"
The Chief then held up the hand, still twirling the pen, and Aqua found every muscle in her body had frozen. She tried to move, tried to speak, tried to even blink, but found she couldn't.
"-right, thanks for understanding King Kai. Yes, I know it's unusual. But I'm really in a bind here. I appreciate the help from the Shonen office. Hopefully this is the end of Momonga and his rampage. If Alucard won't rein in his dominion, we'll just have to do it for him. No, I don't think we'll need anyone else. Yes, the BNHA cast should be enough. I owe you one. Haha. Yes, I know you can do comedy too. Thanks again. Uh huh. Say hi to Bubbles and Gregory for me. Bye now."
The Chief hung up the phone. Then she took a deep breath, pointing her pen at the two frozen goddesses, one through fear and the other by design. "Right. I suppose you two think this was somehow a good idea, don't you?" She absently crooked a finger at Aqua and Eris, causing Aqua to cry out and topple to the floor.
Aqua sprang to her feet, her face flushed in embarrassment and rage. "HOW DARE YOU!? After all we went through, you're Reincarnating my friends, and wiping the minds of Midoriya, Hatsume, Uraraka, AND Tokoyami?! That's unfair! Darkness and Tokoyami were in love! You can't just separate them! They get a wish for saving a world, those are our RULES!"
"That's right!" Eris agreed, coming to stand beside Aqua, her normally calm and polite demeanor gone in favor of her impudent and rude side. "You did the same thing to my group! Those kids fought and bled and even died for us, and you just sent them back without even a thank you! How dare you!"
The Chief gave Aqua and Eris a flat look. "Because I'm the Chief Goddess, and I created you, Aqua. As for you, Eris, you're just a jumped up mortal, and don't forget it."
"That doesn't change what you've done!" Aqua snapped.
"No, it doesn't. But those kids screwed up the entire Multiverse. I'd just about had Ainz and Nazerick contained, when that explosion ripped a hole in all my efforts. Now I've got dozens of worlds catching fire," the Chief explained. "So, those mortals should really just be grateful I didn't send them all to hell, or worse."
"This is no way to treat heroes who have saved realms!" Eris cried. "You can't just-"
"And as for you two," the Chief said, pulling out a sheet of paper from thin air. "Aqua. You hid four mortals in your apartments for centuries so you could play video games with them. Even for you, that's collassally stupid. And we both know that's a high bar to clear."
"But I-" Aqua tried to protest, but the Chief made a zipping motion with her fingers, and Aqua found her lips sealed shut.
"And you, Eris. You manifested yourself directly to help Adventurers you sent to a world that was strictly behind the Quarantine Zone, putting untold worlds at risk," the Chief stated. "Not to mention risking the death of another goddess."
"The quarantine was already broken!" Eris argued. "It was a chance to finally save what few living humans remained in that world! I had every right to-"
The Chief made another zipping motion and glared at the two now red faced goddesses. "I've had enough of this pointless conversation. Aqua, you're a lazy screw up who has caused me headache after headache. The only reason you haven't been demoted to an Angel in some random corner of Heaven is because you have managed to fix most of your own problems, and I'm not completely ungrateful that you've helped save several worlds. So, I'm not going to simply erase you. I'm going to do something a step above that. You'll be reincarnated as a mortal."
Aqua tried to scream, but couldn't. She frantically tried to move, but found herself bound in air once more.
"Eris. You're just a junior goddess; a mortal who got lucky. With your senior suspended, and I strongly suspect you helped her, especially with those illegal resurrections I've dug up, you're stripped of your divinity outright. You too shall be incarnated as a mortal."
Aqua found herself sobbing, the tears leaking out from her still locked face. Not because she was going to be a mortal now, but because this meant she'd never see Kazuma, Darkness, or Megumin again. This wasn't fair! She'd done her job! Even if she had broken a few rules, it had still worked!
"You'll keep a vestige of your powers, but since most of your followers are dead anyway I wouldn't expect much," the Chief said. "I could make it worse. Be grateful I'm showing you this much mercy with how much damage you could have done."
She snapped her fingers, and a side door opened in the air. Asahina, Director of Time, dressed in her traditional bunny girl outfit, stepped out.
"Yes, Chief Suzimya?"
"Get rid of these two," the Chief ordered. "I still have work to do."
"Of course," Asahina agreed. "The same as the others?"
"Yes," the Chief barked, waving her hand in irritation. Just as Asahina was carting the still bound Aqua and Eris away, the Chief raised a finger. "One moment. If the two of you, somehow, manage not to screw up this life I've given you and actually fulfill your duty as Goddesses, you can be reinstated. But one more screw up, and I'll reincarnate you both as cockroaches! Now get them out of here!"
Aqua whimpered as Asahina dragged her and Eris through the halls.
"Don't worry," Asahina whispered, giving Aqua a smile and a wink. "Haruhi's not as mad as she's acting. Good luck! We're rooting for both of you!"
Then she tapped Aqua on the forehead, and time escaped from her.
Back in the Office
The Chief waited until the door to her office was fully closed, separating it back into its own separate universe, before she allowed herself to act normally, throwing the pen away and mussing both hands through her hair.
"Aaagh, damnit damnit, DAMN IT! Stupid politics! Stupid balances of Karma and hidden plots and betrayal of superiors! Gah, I hate these routes! Where's the romantic hijinks alongside poorly translated comedy! Why is it nothing but drama and fight scenes!? I hate working with Shonen! They ruin a good thing!" Haruhi groaned, scrubbing her face with her hands as if to wipe away all signs of seriousness.
"Asuhina! Get me Ristarte and Seiya! We've got some work to do. And get Nagato on the horn! I don't know how much time we have to work with, even with that roll back!"
As was often the case with divinity, things never were quite what you expect.
Within the Great Tomb
A thousand banners from a myriad worlds hung from the enormous gilded marble columns of the Great Hall. Some represented fallen kingdoms that had bent the knee to Nazerick, submitting to the overwhelming might of the Lord of the Tomb, forswearing all gods in his name. Others were of gods or goddesses that had been slaughtered, their followers wiped out to the last. In the case of those who had bent the knee, often they too had been killed, if a bit more slowly.
Of course, for those who served the Great Tomb, death was frequently less than permanent.
Undead servitors lined the walls of the tomb, immoble and unfailing in their purpose of guarding their lord, who sat above them on his high seat. Upon the orihalcum throne sat a figure robed in black, a staff humming with great power in his hands. No flesh was there upon the Lord of the Tomb, long discarded and leaving his body to remain solely of bone, bound together and animated by his own supreme power.
Ainz Ooal Gown. The Lord of the Tomb had many names over the years of his conquest, but that was his most famous epitaph. Once, he had been but a mortal man, who felt the press of time and the weight of morality upon his heart and mind. No longer. He had been as he was now, an Overlord, the greatest of the Undead Sorcerer Kings, for time beyond mortal reckoning. At first, he had clung to his human morality and respect for life, but the evils he had committed to secure his place as uncontested ruler of his world had worn that sentimentality away like a stone in a river until it was not but a rapidly fading memory.
Before the ruler knelt a man in a pinstripe suit with silver spectacles that hid his eyes. His most notable physical feature was his long, silver tail, with long spikes at the end, but that was not his greatest weapon, nor were his fangs and claws. No, for Demiurge, his greatest tool was his mind, which was screaming in panic as he genuflected before his master.
"Report, Demiurge," The Lord of the Tomb commanded.
And what his lord commanded, Demiurge obeyed. He resisted the urge to lick his lips. "My Lord, the Pleiades are all slain. Sebas led them to their deaths; it seems he betrayed us for the sake of Touch Me at last. And he took Gargantua down with him. I barely fled Belzerg with my life, and my assets are destroyed. Victim's world is unresponsive, and likely gone to us. Cocytus and the Lizard men's worlds seems to have vanished entirely. We must presume them lost. Shalltear is alive again, but will take some time to recover from her resurrection. Albedo as well. The Fiore twins also fled their world, and yet live. And… and the Godslayer has been driven from the field."
"So. We have been driven back on all fronts. For the first time in centuries, the banners of the Great Tomb are in retreat," his Lord mused.
"Forgive me, my Lord. I reached too far," Demiurge said, pressing his forehead to the cool stone of the floor in submission. "When these new worlds opened to us, I saw opportunity. Instead, it was a trap."
"Perhaps. Rise, Demiurge. I still require your services on the battlefield. You will never resolve this issue while you kneel in supplication. You have earned a respite, for this time, thanks to your previous successes."
Feeling an overwhelming sense of relief, Demiurge rose to his feet. "Thank you, my Lord."
"Still, this is troubling," the Lord of the Tomb said, rubbing his chin. "What of the reports of Her?"
Demiurge did not need to ask of whom his master spoke. "The last report from the Pleiades world was that Aqua was likely there. That was why we sent forth Gargantua."
"That so-called goddess," Ainz hissed. "For centuries she has eluded me, refusing to even move beyond the Divine Realm. And now…"
There were sudden footsteps, the precise click of bootheels upon stone. Demiurge felt the same sense of dread he felt whenever his back was to the Godslayer as she walked down the hall. If there was one being in all the multiverse he feared, it was his master, who was cunning beyond all other Supreme Beings, and more powerful than most gods.
But if there was one creature he had nightmares of, it was the Godslayer.
"Lord Ainz. I have vord. Something new has happened." The Godslayer came to a halt just to the side of Demiurge, her boot heels clicking together in perfect military efficiency as she stood at attention, hands behind her back. Her uniform looked newly pressed, not a single wrinkle upon it.
"Field Marshal. We were just discussing you. Demiurge tells me you were forced into retreat."
"This is true. The goddess Ristarte and her champion took the field against me. I vould have beaten them again, but they brought something new to the fight. Four youths. From a vorld ve have never seen before," the Godslayer replied. Her diction was perfect, just a faint trace of an accent, which Demiurge knew for a fact she personally affected. She could speak with completely unaccented Japanese, or any other language, when she wished.
"More of those youths from another world, then. Describe them to me," the Lord of the Tomb ordered.
"They possess strange powers," the Godslayer stated. "Not magic. Something else. They called them 'Quirks'. At first I thought it to be these 'cheat' items that the goddesses give their lambs they send for us to slaughter. But it vas not that. I think that event tore open another barrier: they are from an entirely new set of vorlds. Just as ve vere."
"Upon my world, I found out their names," Demiurge added, happy to enlighten his Lord, even if he wasn't asked. "Ashido. Bakugo. Kirishima. Sero. They worked with a goddess and champions we long thought dead."
"Yes. There were forty two of them in all," Ainz nodded. "This my spies have uncovered. They appeared not long after the event. But I have revealed something else."
"Oh?" Demiurge asked, suddenly curious. The Godslayer waited impassively, still at attention, waiting upon the words of her master.
"Their world of origination," Ainz said, holding up a hand. Within it a blue and green sphere appeared, the image of a world. "It is not like these other worlds we have conquered. In my time as a mortal man, I would have called it a comic book world, or perhaps a shonen manga. It matters not. All these youths share one thing in common: they come from UA, the School of Heroes."
"A school for heroes?" Demiurge asked, startled, but the Godslayer was nodding.
"So that's vhere they are from," the Godslayer said, nodding. "Shonen. I should have known. Vell, vhat are your orders?"
"In their world, there are heroes. But where there are heroes, there are also villains. I am sending you both to this world to find those villains. I have sensed the movement of the damnable goddesses. They seek to plunder the strength of this world and turn its heroes against us. But I shall make them rue that day. Find the evil that lurks within that world, and make it serve us. We shall reduce it to ash, as we have with so many others. At long last, we shall slay the last of the gods, and only Nazerick will reign supreme in all the multiverse."
"Yes, my lord," Demiurge said with a bow.
Beside him, the Godslayer grinned. It turned her cute, almost innocent features into that of a demon, her blue eyes sparkling as she flicked aside a length of blond hair. "Then this vorld too shall learn to fear the name of Tanya von Degurechaff."
Demiurge shivered. Evil should look as he did, or as Lord Ainz. Not like a cute twenty-year old blonde human woman. But those blue eyes were colder than ice. And those delicate hands had slain gods.
What was one or two more?
The End of Season 1.
No, it's not the end of the story, but it is time for me to take a break. I've got big plans for Season 2 of This Goddess Must Be Crazy, and the scope of the story has gotten a wee bit out of hand. As should now be obvious, this is a Massively Multiplayer Crossover now, though the primary worlds are still MHA and Konosuba. In Season 2, we'll see the cast expect to include more favorites from both universes. There will be more wacky hi-jinks, but also some more serious chapters where we deal with the great cosmic war that has been raging, as well as just what happened back in Belzerg.
As for when Season 2 starts, you can expect updates to resume after a hiatus of about a month, so around mid August. There will be a single update around the end of July featuring the winning universe from the poll, which closes about 24 hours after this post goes up. It may be a little sooner or later, depending on how my surgery goes and who the winner is. You can change your vote if you so wish, especially if certain revelations in this chapter have piqued your interest.
Special internet cookies to whoever can figure out the sheer number of hints and spoilers I put in our Smash Select screen.
Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2020
Interlude: Chronicles of a Young Woman's Tragedy[img: . ]
Interlude: Chronicles of a Young Woman's Tragedy
If the world burns, so be it. Me and the kid will roast some marshmallows.
- Harry Dresden, The Dresden Files
The train whistle pierced the air, loud and clear over the muttering and shuffling of the crowd. Despite her lack of uniform, old habits ruled, and Tanya found herself saluting.
"Farewell, 1st Lieutenant Serebryakov," Tanya said, a smile playing on her lips. "I'm glad we made it through together."
"Thank you, Colonel Degurechaff," Visha responded, saluting seriously as well. Then she ruined it by smiling and jerking forward to wrap Tanya in a warm embrace. "I'll miss you. I know it's crazy, but… we've been through so much and spent so much time together, ma'am. I… well, I'm glad you've survived. I wish we could stay together, but…"
"But if the Entente or any of the other players find me before I arrive in the US, I'll be tried for war crimes and executed," Tanya finished stiffly, awkwardly patting Visha on the back. This emotional outburst was most unprofessional of her. "Perhaps one day you can visit me in the US. I'm told it's nice there."
Personally, Tanya was thrilled to be able to go and live in the Unified States. In her old world, they had been a great and peaceful country. True, when the world exploded again in 20 years they would become one of the main combatants, but it was better than remaining on this powderkeg of a continent. She'd just have to make sure to get Visha to join her before it went off. It shouldn't be hard to convince her new superiors that Visha was a valuable asset.
"Let's get going," one of her minders said, his German faintly accented.
Tanya wasn't going to argue, and she and Visha separated. Was the other girl crying? Really? What was the point? Even if Tanya felt a strange pain in her chest. Shame, she always seemed to feel something like this in odd moments, like when she'd had to bury her own soldiers. But this wasn't like that.
"Without you, I wouldn't have made it through, Colonel," Visha softly spoke, wiping away a tear and smiling. "Thank you, and God Bless you."
"I doubt that," Tanya snorted, making a face. "He and I don't seem to get along very well. Besides, now that I don't need him to fight, what would be the point? He's just another pompous old man."
Just as Tanya began to turn away, a familiar sensation ran over her body as sound ceased, and the world ground to a halt.
Letting out a heavy sigh, Tanya looked around. "I know you're there. Look, I beat Mary Sue. If you're going to pitch another fit I still won't bow down and worship you, I don't know what to tell you. You're hardly worthy of my respect and worship, even if you are a god."
"You survived," the deep, reverberating voice thundered. Tanya didn't wince, she was used to these little tantrums by now. "And yet, you refuse to give obeisance despite surviving only through my power and mercy."
"Oh please. You tried to kill me at every turn. Sure, I tapped into your power now and then, but I doubt that was by your own designs. You're nothing but a big, malevolent battery." Tanya laughed, looking around absently to see if she could locate the source of the voice. "Go bother Visha. She likes you, for some reason."
"I think I shall," Visha's voice said.
Tanya's head snapped around, and she sucked in a horrified breath.
Visha's face smiled at her, eyes glowing yellow. "I shall need a new champion now, foolish atheist. Your friend should do nicely, no? Perhaps she shall be the perfect tool to stir up division once more. If things get too peaceful, people may yet again forget why they need me after all."
"NO!" Tanya snarled, taking half a step towards Being X. "Get out of her! You can't have her! I won't allow you! She's my subordinate! My responsibility! My… my friend!"
"She is my creation first and foremost however, just like the rest of these pitiful creatures," Being X chuckled, and effortlessly pushed Tanya away. "You won't even kill her like Mary Sue. Such a strong shield, a loved one's body. Why, to make it even sweeter, I'm certain I could even use this body to end you effortlessly. She's quite strong."
"YOU BASTARD!" Tanya snarled again, and leapt at Visha even as the world snapped back into motion.
Visha dodged, her eyes still glowing yellow with power. "God is great. And worthy of praise. You should have learned that lesson already, atheist. Now, I shall spend my life in service to our Lord, and his bountiful mercies."
"No!" Tanya wailed, stumbling to her knees. She suddenly kowtowed, prostrating herself before Being X's new avatar. "You win! You win! I was wrong! I'll worship you! You're god, the greatest god! I, Tanya Von Degurechaff am as nothing before the might of Being X, the one true god of this world!"
"It's too late, Tanya the Evil."
Tanya looked up in horror as Visha's face smiled down at her. It wasn't Visha's smile. It could never be Visha's smile. Her smile was warm, friendly, kind. Even when Tanya didn't understand how Visha could smile, she always did. This….this MOCKERY, was cold. Cruel. Like Mary Sue's had been before Tanya had killed her.
"You are cast out, into outer darkness. Perhaps you shall live a long life. Perhaps this train shall crash, and you and everyone aboard shall perish. Or maybe your ship shall sink. It matters not. When you die, you are mine, as with everything else. And then, you shall end again. And Again. Until it amuses me no longer. But, for as long as you live, know that the one person you called friend is now your greatest enemy, for Visha Serebryakov is still surely my creature and creation. Your friend is dead. Rejoice."
And then, Being X turned away, walking off into the crowd. Tanya stood, tried to run after her, tried to plead further, to get Visha back, somehow. But her minders grabbed her, and hauled her on to the train. She didn't fight it. How could she? Despite the long years, it seemed she was still a pathetic little girl. What was the point to it all? They had taken her weapons; she didn't even have a knife.
And now, Being X had taken Visha.
She'd watched her troops die, one by one. Watched them all picked off as the brutal heel of the Entente, Republic, Commonwealth, Federation, and finally and cruelly, the US ground them to dust. She'd tried to stay alive, to follow orders, and to help as many of her subordinates survive as she could.
But Visha had been the only one left.
And now, she was gone too.
Tanya was brought to a private train compartment by her two minders. She slumped in her too large seat, her legs dangling above the swaying floor of the train. She could nearly reach now, but even at 15 she wasn't very tall, just over 1.5 meters. She felt small and helpless, listless and defeated. They were gone. All of them. Dead, or worse. And sooner or later, she would be too.
"Feeling a bit down, are we?"
Tanya looked up, startled by the smooth, silky voice from nowhere. She found herself looking at her own reflection in the red tinted glasses of the man across from her. She glanced at her two minders, but they both seemed fast asleep, instantly making her guard rise higher.
"Oh, don't worry, they won't bother us. They're just napping. For now," the man chuckled, leaning back and spreading his arms out over the back of his seat as he crossed one leg over the other. He grinned, and the sight made Tanya flinch. His teeth were pointed to razor sharp fangs, every last one of them.
"Who are you?" Tanya hissed, reaching for her minder's jacket to where she knew the pistol would be kept. This… thing… was dressed all in red, with a wide brimmed cap, long overcoat, and tie. A hit of a white waistcoat peaked out of his collar, and his boots were neatly polished and dark black.
"Oh, I think you know, or at least have some ideas." the man chuckled. He reached into his jacket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and tapping one out. "Smoke?"
"No. It's an unsightly habit. I would prefer it if you didn't in my company." Tanya said crisply.
"Ha! Very well. I suppose I can wait." He tucked the cigarettes away again. "So. Your friend is gone. Taken by the very god who was supposed to protect her."
"How do you know that?" Tanya demanded. But she knew. There was only one person this could be.
"I keep tabs on what my opposites are up to," The Devil chuckled. "But, to make things clear… my card." He snapped a white gloved hand, and a business card appeared with scarlet lettering. He handed it over to Tanya, who studied it carefully.
Alucard - Your Friend in Low Places
Head of Horror Division
"Cute," Tanya said flatly. She kept the card in her hand, looking up and studying this Alucard. "Alright. I'm no stranger to faustian bargains. I suppose my soul isn't worth much right now, since I'm doomed already no matter what I do. Being X has made that very clear. So. What do I have to do? Sign something? Whatever it is, I'll do it. Just as long as you save Visha."
"Oh, no, I'm afraid I can't do that," Alucard sighed in apparent regret. "You see, I'm forbidden from interfering directly. I can just give things a nudge here and there."
"Then what use are you?!" Tanya snapped. "I can't free Visha, Being X is too powerful! The only way I know to drive him out is to kill the host, and even that won't stop him for long! He'll just come back, possessing a new victim. But what's the point? He has Visha."
"You're right. In this world, Being X's power is near absolute. But, you already know how to defeat him. Or rather, you know someone who can. Even if it's not me," Alucard said, leaning forward and folding his fingers together. "All I need is your permission to… jog your memory, so to speak."
"What are you blabbering about?" Tanya demanded, scowling in irritation. "If you can do something to help me, do it! I'll pay your price, sell you my soul or-"
Alucard reached out one finger to her forehead. "Remember."
Memories flooded into Tanya, causing her to reel and clutch at her head. Another world. Not this one, not Japan… somewhere else. Somewhere that was and wasn't reality. Another goddess, a blue haired moron that spread chaos and destruction in her wake, worse in some ways even than Being X.
And… and her friend. If one could call an undead overlord a friend. Ainz Ooal Gown.
"I… what…?" Tanya gasped, blinking back tears as the memories flitted through her head, her temples throbbing.
"A little experiment between the gods. They used you and yours like puppets. Just like Being X. You remember now?" Alucard prompted.
Slowly, Tanya raised her head, then nodded. "I do. But… how does this help me? Momonga, Ainz… whatever name he uses… he's in another world. I can't get there, or contact him."
"Ah. But there's where I come in! There's also one other thing I can do for you, Ms. Degurechaff." Alucard reached into his jacket, and pulled out a rolled parchment, sealed with red wax. He smiled, showing his rows of fangs again. "A spell. You already have the mana to cast it. The cost is steep, but, well, you did say you were willing to do anything to get Visha back. Were you serious about that?"
"Yes," Tanya said, taking the parchment. She broke the seal, unrolling the scroll, her eyes scanning it, then grimaced. "Human sacrifice? Really? Wouldn't animals be just as effective?"
But when she looked up, Alucard was gone, with no sign aside from the parchment in Tanya's hands and the regained memories in her mind that he had ever been there.
She looked at her minders, who were beginning to stir, and sighed. "Sorry boys. Looks like we won't be going to the US after all."
They didn't get a chance to make much of a noise. Tanya was experienced in quiet kills after all, and a couple of groggy security goons were no match for the Devil of the Rhine.
She had just enough space to draw the spell circle on the floor of their compartment. It was messy, and by the end of it she was covered in more blood than she actually used, but she had to do this. It had to work. She muttered the incantation, cut her own palm, and pressed it to the center of the circle.
"I call thee forth, from beyond space, beyond time! By thy name I summon thee! Ainz Ooal Gown!"
For a moment, nothing happened, and Tanya's blood ran cold. Had she been tricked again? But then, the circle glowed a dark red, rising up from the floor. A figure in dark robes with a skeletal face appeared as the light was sucked from the compartment and within her mind, she heard a familiar voice.
Who dares summon the Lord of the Tomb?
"Ainz. Do you remember me? I am Colonel Tanya Von Degurechaff. We… we went to school together in… that place."
Tanya… Yes. Yes, I do remember you. How did you contact me? Are you within the New World? I don't recognize this kind of magic.
Licking her lips, Tanya tasted and ignored the familiar tang of iron and salt. "I need your help. Visha… she's been taken by Being X. He's… well, he's a god, I think. Someone named Alucard gave me this spell, told me you could help me."
Ah. The King In Red, I take it? Never mind. A god you say? Not Aqua?
"No. Not her. I don't know where she is, the useless fool. Being X is far more dangerous. He… he's possessed Visha. I don't know how to get her free."
I see. Well. Perhaps I can help you with that. I have something of a vendetta against the gods myself. They threaten my rule. One of them invaded my realm, attempting to slay me and my subjects. In turn, I killed them. I'm currently in Belzerg, one of Aqua's worlds. She's not here, however.
"What about what's-his-name? Kazuma, and the others, Megumin, Darkness, Yunyun, Chris. Those fools."
Dead. Aqua failed to appear, else she would be as well.
"I see." Tanya considered this, then pushed it aside. Kazuma and his ilk might not have deserved death, but that wasn't important right now. She had bigger concerns. "Can you free Visha?"
Mayhaps. I shall send an envoy to you to assess the situation. Do you recall Demiurge?
"Yes, of course. I remember… most of that time we were together. Not everything. Fragments. But I remember you and your servants. Demiurge was smart, and effective. I'd appreciate any help he can give me."
Very well. It may take some time. Keep the spell active until he arrives.
Tanya gritted her teeth. "That's going to be hard. This train ride is only a few hours long, and I took time getting the circle right. The bodies here will start to stink too, as well. They'll try and open the compartment."
I see. Do what you can then. If you have to move, open another link as soon as possible.
Ainz's presence faded from Tanya's mind, and she breathed out a sigh. She hadn't gone insane. At least the deaths of her comrades and these nameless guards hadn't been in vain. True, the US had been her enemy, supplying the Republic and the Federation against the Empire. But she still hated pointless death. Her own most of all.
Soon though, she had no time for stray thoughts, the situation becoming uncomfortable. She had to continually feed the spell mana, and her legs were growing cramped as she was forced to remain in a squatting position to keep the spell active, to say nothing of the blood annoyingly dripping on her ankles.
Then the pounding on the door came. "What's going on here? We haven't received your check in verifications! Hey, wait, is that blood leaking into the hall? Open up in there!"
"Sorry, I cut myself a bit on the frame." Tanya said in her sweetest voice. "It's OK, we bandaged it up, I'm fine!"
"What? There's too much blood for a little cut! Open up at once!"
Damnation. Tanya didn't reply. There was more banging and swearing, then shouting. Soon something big and heavy thudded into the door; she'd sealed it with the spell, so it wouldn't be easy to bring down, but her mana reserves were getting low.
Then they got an axe. Against repeated blows, Tanya's spell finally failed. She gasped and let out a cry of pain.
"My God! What the hell is this!? There's blood everywhere! Break down the door!"
Tanya squeezed her eyes shut. She'd have to cancel the spell. She still had the two pistols. She would fight her way free, then-
Suddenly, the spell grew in power, and Tanya slumped down in sudden exhaustion as power drained from her. Out of the circle, a bubble of darkness formed, growing and swelling until it retracted into a familiar, humanoid shape. A man in spectacles and a pinstripe suit, with slicked back hair and newly blacked shoes. Though this man had long, pointed ears, talons on the end of his fingers, shark-like teeth, and a long metallic scorpion's tail.
"Ah. A new world," Demiurge said in his smooth sophisticated tone, adjusting his suit. He frowned as the door shattered. "Friends of yours?"
"Get them!" a railway officer shouted, lowering a pistol and opening fire.
The bullet impacted Demiurge's chest, and Tanya let out a horrified groan. All for nothing.
Expect that Demiurge only frowned, glancing down at the hole in his cravat. "I liked this suit. Do you have any idea how expensive dragonmoth silk is?"
"What… what are you?" the officer gasped. He readied the pistol again, preparing to fire.
Demiurge's tail darted out in an instant, skewering him through the chest in a spray of gore. "One moment. I'll deal with these gentlemen."
Tanya could only slump in the pool of blood, exhausted of her mana as the screams sounded from outside.
"Sorry about the wait." Demiurge said a few minutes later, adjusting his glasses as he stepped back into the compartment. "There were quite a few of them. They're also currently trying to stop this vehicle. I take it we don't want to attract that sort of attention? These humans are low level, but too many can still be a nuisance."
"Need… need to save Visha," Tanya slurred.
"I see. Well then. It seems this entire conveyance is about to suffer an unfortunate accident. Come."
Demiurge easily picked Tanya up in his arms, then ripped a hole in the side of the train car with his tail. With a giant leap, the two were soaring into the sky. A moment later, there was a deafening explosion below them as the engine and accompanying cars exploded in a massive ball of flame.
"Mechanical devices are always so fascinating. They don't run on magic at all. That has interesting tactical applications," Demiurge mused as they traveled away from the newly formed crater.. He looked around. "Ah, there. That forest looks like a good place to hunker down for a bit."
Tanya could only watch as they fell out of the sky into a thick cluster of trees. Demiurge knelt, laying Tanya on the ground.
"Hmm. Mana exhaustion?"
"Used… used it all to summon you," Tanya whispered. "Need to sleep."
"I'm afraid we don't have time for that at the moment. Here. I always keep a few mana potions on me, just in case." Demiurge took out a shimmering azure vial from his waistcoat pocket, uncorked it, and gently held it to Tanya's lips. She sucked it down greedily, and then gasped as mana and vitality surged through her veins.
"Thank you," she gasped out. She managed to stay on her feet, groaning slightly as she left his arms. "Urgh. Demiurge. It's good to see you again."
"Again? Ah, yes. That school Lord Ainz has mentioned. I take it you were there as well, in addition to the… others?" Demiurge asked, his tail swishing back and forth in agitation.
"Yes. I hear you paid a visit to Kazuma and his goddess loving brood of idiots." Tanya spoke with an indifferent expression. From what she recalled, Kazuma was a vile lecher, and his companions were just as bad in their own ways. Megumin had been a lunatic bent on nothing but chaos and destruction that would surely end in killing everyone around her, including herself. Darkness a perverse masochist with no self control who brought danger to those around her to satisfy her own urges. Yunyun was a foolish and dangerous mage who'd do horrific things if it meant being praised, and Chris a thief who'd plundered from everyone and expected to be loved for it.
And Aqua. She'd tried to murder Ainz, for no other reason than his race. Truly despicable. And she'd brought endless trials to Tanya. She couldn't recall them all, but she knew she had wanted nothing to do with Aqua, or even to kill her. Her memories on that particular matter were muddled a fair bit. While Tanya hadn't actually sought to slay those idiots, if Ainz wanted them dead, well, that was his affair.
"They're dead, but Aqua is still a threat. We're in the process of pacifying Belzerg and the surrounding kingdoms at the moment, with expected results. I was actually in the middle of hunting down the last of their royal line before I was summoned by my Lord, but that can wait for later. One pathetic slip of a princess won't be much of a threat. But, we're here to talk about you. Tell me, what is it you wanted me to help with? Something about your friend, this Visha?"
"She's been possessed by a god. Being X is what I call him. He's the one who, well, that's not important. He's hated me since before I was born it seems. Tried time and again to kill me, to make me bow down and worship him. I refused. I defeated every one of his champions. I survived the war. And even killed the little puppet he loved to pull the strings with, Mary Sue. He couldn't stand that. He… he took over Visha, and told me that I was cursed. I… I tried to plead, to worship, to get her free, but… he took her anyway. And now… now I don't know what to do."
"A god you say?" Demiurge adjusted his glasses. "Well. I'm something of an expert on killing them. It's not easy though, you know. Even if everyone here is fairly weak, those empowered by a god can hurt me quite badly. We'll have to make this fast then. Where do you believe Visha could be?"
"I don't know. Maybe at her flat? It hasn't even been a day since she was taken, and it shouldn't be hard to track her down, but I don't have my mage gear. I can't just fly around and find her," Tanya said, her hands clenched into fists.
"Not a problem. You're strong, for a human. I think I can teach you the Flight spell," Demiurge waved off the concern. He pressed a finger to Tanya's forehead.
Once more, information coursed through her. This time, not from within, but from Demiurge. She felt the magic enter her. It was alien but… but she could use it. She had to.
"Flight!" Tanya barked, and rose into the air. She grinned. "Well, this changes many things. Let's go hunting." She drew her one of her pistols, flicking the cylinder to a chambered round. It was a US Army Revolver, similar to the Colt Revolver. This one was a .45 caliber model. She'd never used one, but practice made perfect.
It wasn't hard to find Visha at all either. She was right where Tanya expected: At the Cathedral nearest the train station, preaching to adoring little sheep.
"What do we do now then?" Tanya asked. Demiurge had done something to hide his tail, and looked like a normal businessman at the moment. For herself, Tanya had scrubbed the blood from her face and hands and stolen a set of ill-fitting clothes. It annoyed her being so sloppy, but it was temporary at best.
"Hmm. I don't think I can break that possession. But her soul is still in there," Demiurge mused. He glanced at Tanya. "There's one sure way to free her. But you won't like it."
"If it's the only way, then it's the only way," Tanya growled. "What is it?"
Demiurge gave her a vicious smile. "We kill her."
"That is not an option!" Tanya snarled, her arm twitching towards her concealed weapons. "We have to save her!"
"She won't stay dead, of course. We'll simply take her back to Nazerick. My Master can raise her easily enough. He also seems to be fond of you, as if he owed you a favor. I don't know why someone like Lord Ainz considers himself indebted to a pathetic human such as yourself, but I trust in his wisdom."
"He can… return Visha to life?" Tanya asked, feeling sick and hopeful at the same time.
Demiurge nodded. "Easily."
Tanya took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. "If you're lying, I'll kill you first. Then Ainz. You understand?"
"That would be difficult, considering your level, and the fact that Lord Ainz is in another world," Demiurge said slowly, his tone amused.
"Anything can die if you hate it hard enough and don't have anything holding you back." Then Tanya's eyes snapped open. In one smooth motion, she drew her pistol, and fired.
Her first shot was slightly off. It took Visha in the neck instead of the head. Tanya fired again, correcting her aim. This time, it went through Visha's chest. She fell atop the altar she'd been floating over, blood leaking from her mouth as people screamed.
"Out of my way," Tanya spoke as she walked towards the fallen form of her friend. She grabbed Visha's corpse, and grunted as she flipped it over and checked for signs of life.
"She's dead," she declared with a nod, turning to Demiurge. "Now what?"
"The Tomb awaits." Demiurge snapped his fingers. Darkness enveloped Tanya, and she clutched Visha's corpse to her chest.
When she could see again, she was in a large, dimly lit chamber. She looked around, and spied Demiurge standing beside a throne of bone.
Upon which sat the form of Ainz Ooal Gown. The Lord of the Tomb.
"Well?" Tanya demanded, standing, her pistol in her hand. "Can you bring her back?"
Slowly, Ainz stood, taking up the staff that had stood beside him. "I can. She would be returned to life. But a Spell of True Resurrection is costly. To fuel it, I need something potent."
"What? I'll get it, whatever it is, only bring her back!" Tanya demanded.
Slowly, Ainz moved forward, his staff clicking on the black stone of the throne room as Demiurge stalked silently at his side. Tanya forced herself to look up at him when he reached her, nearly fully a meter taller than she was. Her grip on her pistol tightened. She had to save Visha.
Oh god. She had killed Visha. Twice.
"To raise someone in truth requires the blood of a god. I have some on me, as it happens. I was planning on saving it. But, you could pay me back, as it were. Tell me. Would you be willing to undertake the slaughter of gods?"
Tanya blinked for a moment, then threw her head back and laughed. "I would have even if we didn't need their blood!"
"Very well. But I shall not do this on your word alone. You must swear yourself to me, and to my service," Ainz said, extending a bony hand to her. It was encrusted with jeweled rings, each thrumming with eldritch power.
There was no hesitation. Tanya bent and kissed a ring. She wasn't a leader, not really. She needed orders. Someone to follow. Someone to direct her at an enemy. If Ainz would bring back Visha… well. He'd never helped kill any of her soldiers like the Unified States had.
"I, Tanya Von Degurechaff, do swear myself to the service of Ainz Ooal Gown, Overlord of the Great Tomb of Nazarick. I will be your Gottjäger, and bring you the blood of the Being X as payment for saving my… my friend, Visha."
Something more than wind and words escaped from Tanya's mouth, and was sucked into Ainz's staff.
"It is done. Arise, Field Marshal." Then Ainz raised his staff, and his eyes glowed red. "TRUE RESURRECTION!"
Behind Tanya, there was a gasp. She spun, her eyes wide.
Slowly, Visha sat up, clutching her head. "Where… where am I? The light, oh the light! It burns! I can't-" she blinked, swallowing, her eyes focusing again. "Colonel? What-"
Tanya flung herself on Visha, headless of the tears streaming down her face as she cradled Visha in her arms. "It's alright, Visha. You're safe. Being X had you, but you're safe now. He can't hurt you anymore. Not as long as I'm here."
Visha blinked, then, slowly, returned Tanya's hug. "Um, Colonel? I don't mean to bother you, but… but who… what… why is there a skeleton and a devil behind you?"
"Ah." Tanya straightened, falling back into a stance of attention, her hands folding themselves behind her back. "This is our new commander. Ainz Ooal Gown. Beside him is Demiurge, one of his command staff. I have accepted the position of Field Marshal of his forces. I would… I would like to bring you on as my general staff officer, Visha."
"I… see…" Slowly, Visha got to her feet, trembling slightly. "Colonel… Tanya… do you… do you know who these beings are? They look… well, evil."
"Oh, we are quite evil," Demiurge chuckled. "At least, so the gods would say."
"Our mission is the destruction of all the gods," Ainz pronounced. "For too long, they have oppressed and enslaved the mortal races. Just as they did you. They manipulate and bend mortals to their will, causing nought but suffering while expecting back joy and subservience for the honor of being in their presences."
"The war back home? That was caused by Being X, the same so-called deity that possessed you." Tanya snarled, her arms reaching out and clutching Visha reflexively. "He's tried to kill me, again and again, or to force me to bow down and worship him. I refused. So, he took you, Visha. That… that was too much."
"I remember," Visha said, her eyes going wide. She sank back to her knees, clutching at her head. "Oh, piz-dets, I remember! I… I couldn't control myself! It was like… like I was trapped within my own body, my own mind! I couldn't… and then…" she looked up, tears streaming down her face. "You killed me."
It was like the bullet that had hit Visha took Tanya in the chest, and she swayed slightly. She looked away, bile filling her stomach. "I… I could not think of another way. Ainz could resurrect you, free of Being X's taint, but… but to do that… I am sorry."
"Don't… don't be." Tanya looked up again just in time to be wrapped in another hug by Visha. This was most distressing. Tanya hadn't had this much physical contact since… she couldn't remember. She didn't think her own parents in Japan had hugged her this much. "You saved me, Tanya. Thank you. I… I owe you a debt I cannot repay."
Visha stepped back, smiling, and Tanya coughed into her hand. "Well, yes, it was my duty, to ensure the safety of my subordinates. Besides. I couldn't let Being X win. Not even once."
"If you say so, ma'am. But if you're going to kill Being X… count me in. I'll follow you anywhere, Tanya. Even into hell, it seems."
"We've been through hell before. What else was the Western Front?" Tanya said, feeling the old familiar feeling of rage. She spun on her heel, looking back up at Ainz.
"So. How does one go about killing a god?"
"First, you must deprive them of followers," Ainz replied "We're nearly done here in Belzerg. What few humans are left are of no threat now, and will provide Aqua with little devotion. I will send you back to your world. But this time, with an army. Your mission will be simple: Wipe out Being X's followers. Lure the god into the open. Then, I shall show you how to trap and slay a deity."
Tanya nodded slowly.
"All of their followers?" Visha gasped, coming to stand at Tanya's side. "But that… that's most everyone in the world."
"Then they shall have to die," Demiurge said, pushing up his glasses with his index finger. He gave a needle toothed grin to Visha. "Do you have a problem with that."
Visha looked to Tanya. Just as she always did.
"They're nothing but slaves by this point. We'll set them free. Even if it means their deaths," Tanya declared. "This is war. Sometimes, innocents get caught in the crossfire. We'll give them a chance to abandon their faith, as the Articles of War dictate. If they refuse, they're enemy combatants, and must be killed."
"Just like Arene," Visha agreed, looking faintly ill. But she straightened and nodded, then saluted. "Very well, I'm your woman, ma'am. I'll do what needs to be done."
Visha was a good soldier. The very best. She'd grown in the past four years. Tanya smiled at her… friend? Yes. Her friend. How odd. She'd never really had a friend before. But what else would you call someone you were willing to burn a world to the ground for?
Author's Note
Good news everyone! I decided to post the chapter early!
But terrible news everyone, Hawaii about to catch cracks from a hurricane. I'm going to be out for a few days due to needing some surgery, after which I'm probably going to be out of touch as Douglas comes in to give us our 2020 lickin's. So I figured I'd better post this while we still have the chance.
I'm fully expecting the next bit of news to be that Nazarick is invading Japan and we're all screwed.
Chapter 19: Once More, With Feeling!Beta'd and Edited by The Evil Within and The Grand Cogitator
Chapter 19: Once more, with feeling!
[img: . ]
I hate temporal mechanics.
-Dr. Light, Bob and George
Inko gasped, starting away from the sudden noise. "What on earth…?"
"Mom, stay back," Izuku growled, pushing his mother behind him as the frantic pounding on the door continued. It wasn't even 5am yet according to Izuku's alarm clock, so whoever was out there couldn't be someone normal. Especially not with the memories floating around in Izuku's head. He could hear muffled shouting coming through the door, and slowly moved forward.
"Izuku, maybe we should just call the police," Inko worried, wringing her hands together and glancing at the phone.
Izuku ignored that. He could handle whatever it was far more easily than the police could. He let One For All fill him, feeling the energy pulse in his tense muscles as his hand darted out and flung open the door.
Instead of the Villains or monsters he'd half expected, Izuku found two pink haired young women scuffling with one another.
"Look, I'm really sorry," the older one gasped, trying to wrestle the younger away. "I don't know what's gotten into my sister, she-"
Izuku didn't hear the rest, jumping out of the door as Mei escaped her captor and leapt into his arms.
"You were real," Mei whispered as she clung to him. "That wasn't just a dream. It did happen, because you're real." She looked up at Izuku, tears filling her odd eyes as her grip threatened to tear his shirt. "You remember me, right? Everything was real?"
"I'm real. It's okay. It really happened." Izuku breathed out, feeling the adrenaline he was running on bottom out to stark relief. After what felt like an eternity of contact, he lovingly raised his hand to Mei's cheek. Then he kissed her.
They had to break apart quickly however from the twin squawks of outrage around them, as they'd forgotten about their guardians.
"Izuku! What on earth are you-"
"Alright, hold up, what the hell is happening! Mei, I swear to God, if this is some sort of prank-"
"SHUT THE HELL UP! IT'S FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE DAMN MORNING!" A voice drowned out both his mother and presumably Mei's sister's indignation, coming from the apartment across from them.
Izuku winced, but Mei was quick to spin around and yell right back. "You be quiet! We are doing something very important!"
"I DON'T CARE! SHUT UP OR I'M CALLING THE DAMN COPS!"
"Er, Mei, maybe we should go inside," Izuku said. After carefully taking his hands away from her sides, he even managed a quick bow to her apparent older sister. "Um, hello. You must be Hari Hatsume. Please, come inside."
"Yeah, ok," Hari sighed. "Jesus. What the hell, Mei? This is weird even for you."
Izuku stepped back inside, arm in arm with Mei, where his mother was still staring at him, her mouth hanging open. He swallowed. "Um, mom, this is Mei. She, um, she's my-"
"I'm his wife! We got married. I am sorry we did not invite you," Mei said proudly.
Behind Izuku, Mei's sister suddenly let out a stream of unrepeatable but highly creative expletives.
For her part, Inko groaned, then fainted dead away. Izuku managed to catch her, then quickly carried her over to the couch.
"Alright. I'm going to need a cup of coffee, then an explanation," Mei's sister ground out, glaring at Izuku and Mei. "Because I want to know how the hell my little sister, who has as far as I know never expressed the slightest interest in any boys that weren't robots, wakes up in the middle of the damn night and runs off to find some strange boy I've never seen before, and claims she married him!"
"Coffee would be good," Mei agreed tiredly, looking like her adrenaline was finally wearing off. "I am still sleepy. We did not get much sleep last night. But look! I still have my baby!"
Izuku realized that Mei had her crossbow strapped to her back, which she happily held up for Izuku to see.
"That's weird," Izuku said, frowning and thinking about how that was physically possible. "Um, watch my mom for a moment please? I'll make some coffee."
Izuku quickly found some instant coffee in the cupboard, then put on a kettle of water. By the time his mother groaned and her eyes fluttered back open, he was able to press a hot cup into her hands, feeling more awkward than ever as he languished under Hari's intense stare.
"Alright," Hari started, sipping at her cup before making a face, though it was hard to tell if it was from the taste or the topic. "Mei, start explaining."
Mei looked uncertainly at Izuku. "She does not believe me, I tried to tell her."
"Yeah, because what you were saying was pure freaking nonsense, not to mention utterly insane! Another world? Monsters? A goddess? An explosion cult? Mei, you had a messed up dream, that's all. Where does this kid come from, and who the hell is he?"
"I told you, he is Izuku!" Mei snapped. "You were not listening!"
"Um, sorry, but, yes, I'm Izuku Midoriya. This is my mother, Inko Midoriya. Um, mom, this is Mei, and her sister I think, Hari Hatsume."
"Izuku," Inko said slowly. "I'm not mad, just very, very confused. When did you get a girlfriend?"
"Um, that's sort of a long story," Izuku said. He looked at Mei for help. "Maybe we should just say we met on the internet."
"That would not work, Hari knows I do not use the internet very much, except to buy more materials for my babies," Mei said mercilessly shooting down that idea. "We should say we met at the junkyard."
"Perfect! I was cleaning up Takoba Beach for months! There was a ton of salvage there."
"Yes! I went there a few times to get supplies for my babies when I visited Hari!" Mei eagerly turned to her sister. "We met at Takoba Beach while I was looking for scrap."
Hari closed her eyes with a hand to her face and gritted her teeth. "Mei, I just heard you and this boy say you were lying and making that story up."
"Hari, you can either believe we met at the beach looking for salvage, or that we met when I was running away from the undead with my wizard friend Megumin and Izuku came with the goddess Aqua and saved us."
"Yeah, OK. two met at the beach, then." Hari grumbled and opened her eyes. She glanced at Inko. "This make any sense to you? Your kid play any weird online games or something?"
"Um, I don't think so. All he really does is study and work out," Inko admitted.
"What if I told you I met Mei while I was looking for um, school supplies? Right! We both go to UA!"
"Yes, but Hari thinks I have not started school yet, and I checked the calendar. This is the first day of school. That weird man said he was doing a rollback, I think he put us back in time," Mei pointed out with a small tilt of her head. "That would make sense, as I think I accidentally created a small blackhole which would have destroyed most of Japan, if not the Earth. It was a very big explosion after all."
"We really did go back three months then…" Izuku muttered, rubbing his forehead. "This… is insane."
"Izuku, are you talking about time travel?" Inko asked, baffled.
Izuku glanced at Mei desperately, and she simply shrugged. "Um, yes?"
"Hari, would you believe I accidentally made a super cute baby that made a hole in the space time continuum and flung Izuku and I back in time?" Mei suddenly asked.
Hari blinked slowly. "Actually, that's the first thing you've said that I would sort of buy."
"Do you have some sort of time travel Quirk?" Inko asked Mei, looking worried.
"Oh, no, my Quirk just makes my eyes very good. But I am a great inventor! I make super cute babies, like this!" Mei proudly held up her crossbow. "This one I will have to make with more advanced materials, my resources were limited when I made this one, but I do love #78 very much. Not as much as Izuku though. Did I mention we got married?"
"Um, we got married in the future," Izuku added. "We knew each other for er, a long time, and we were definitely adults."
Mei eyed Izuku sideways, but when he motioned frantically she quickly nodded. "Yes! We were 20, which is how old adults are. Hari, you were Twenty four, and you definitely had a boyfriend and were not jealous at all."
"This is completely nuts," Hari groaned. "Mom and dad are going to freaking kill me. Jesus. How am I going to explain this to them, Mei? You were just supposed to stay with me while you went to school at UA! It was supposed to be fun! You could even help me in the shop when you weren't at school, my boss was totally stoked when he heard how good of a mechanic my baby sister is!"
"Right, Mei said she's from Kyoto but you got a job here in Mufasu as a mechanic, and she was living with you to go to UA," Izuku went along with the lie. "We, er, um, we spent a lot of time together."
"Yes, we went to school together, and I made super cute babies for Izuku, and he won the Sports Festival and beat up lots of bad guys like… like…" Mei boasted before suddenly breaking down crying. zuku quickly hurried over, embracing Mei as she wept. Tears filled his own eyes.
"It's OK, Mei. Blois, Anton, all the others… they're alive, now. That guy Smith, he said he fixed it all when he did the rollback," Izuku said gently, trying to comfort Mei as much as himself. "And… and I'm sure Aqua, Megumin, Darkness, and Kazuma, they're back where they belong too, happy. And, we'll see Uraraka and Tokoyami at school."
"Will they remember us?" Mei whispered.
Just then, Izuku's phone buzzed. He drew it out of his pocket and found a text.
"Hey, this is going to sound crazy, but do you remember me? Or what happened last night?" Izuku read aloud. He grinned widely. "It's from Uraraka's number!"
"Tell her I remember her, and will make her lots of super cute babies!" Mei said quickly.
Izuku quickly typed out a reply, letting Uraraka know Mei was with him and that they both remembered.
While Izuku and Mei were talking, Inko and Hari had their own whispered conversation. Izuku looked up to see his mother looking worried, but obviously forcing herself to smile. "Izuku… I don't know what's happened, but, well, I'm, er, glad you found a girlfriend."
"Mei, I'm also happy you have a boyfriend," Hari agreed, before raising a fist threateningly. "But so help me God, I am going to kill you if you start calling yourself Mei Midoriya and telling everyone you're married!"
"Well, I'm not going to stop having sex with Izuku," Mei said bluntly. "We were married by two goddesses, so it counts."
Hari put her head in her hands, clearly struggling not to scream, while Inko took a deep breath. "Izuku, what exactly have you-"
"We're being safe, mom. We, um, we know we're not ready to have kids," Izuku reassured her with a deep blush on his face, wishing desperately this conversation never happened.
"Yes, Izuku always says the Goddess Eris Pads her chest," Mei stated as if it explained everything. Which it did, just not to the two who wanted actual answers.
Izuku blinked at the sudden reminder. "Huh. Does that still work? The Goddess Eris Pads her chest."
Izuku felt the increasingly familiar sensation and blushed, while Mei peered down at Izuku's groin expectantly.
"I'm not going to ask," Hari sighed. "Look, you're a bit young, but, well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't fool around behind mom and dad's back in highschool too. I'm still putting you on the damn pill."
"Just… don't wind up like me and your father, Izuku," Inko managed to say, wringing her hands. "We thought having a child would fix our relationship, but…"
"Don't worry mom. I know it sounds crazy, but Mei and I have been through a lot together," Izuku chuckled, not wanting to go down that path. He then stood up, sighing. "Alright, it's already morning now. Who wants breakfast?"
"Yeah, no, we're going out to eat. This coffee tastes like ass," Hari disagreed immediately, standing herself. "Shit. I'm going to have to call into work today. I think you and I have some talking to do, Mrs. Midoriya."
Sometime later, after a good deal more embarrassing and probing questions, Hari dropped Izuku and Mei off in front of UA High, half an hour before school started. "You two behave yourselves," she ordered, leaning her head out of her car. "I don't know what the hell happened yet, but, well, it seems like you care about each other at least. Have fun in the Hero Course, both of you."
"Hero course?" Mei said, frowning. "Izuku is in the hero course. I am in 1H, in the support course."
"What? No you're not! Check your damn class schedule," Hari ordered. "Look, I've gotta go, the boss won't let me call in too late because I'm still new. Take the train home, Mei, I'll see you then."
And then she drove off, leaving Izuku and Mei standing together as students filtered passed them into the school. Mei took off her backpack, digging inside the mess of papers until she found her class schedule.
"Class 1A?! This does not make sense! Izuku, you remember, I was in 1H!" Mei exclaimed, holding up the paper to him.
"Yeah, that's really weird. Didn't you take the Support Course entrance exam?" Izuku agreed, pondering where this change came from.
Mei shook her head. "No, I got a recommendation because my babies are the cutest. I remember meeting with Mr. Maijima, Hari had to drive me all the way from Kyoto. She was very excited when I got in."
"Wow, that makes sense I guess, you are the most brilliant girl I've ever seen," Izuku admitted. He suddenly started, spinning about as a student shuffled past them. "Kacchan!"
"Huh?" Bakugo looked up, appearing to have been lost in his own thoughts. "Oh. Hey, Deku."
Izuku swallowed. He'd have to start off on the right foot this time. "Listen, Kacchan, I'm sorry for hiding my quirk from you. I can't… I can't tell you much, but… but I want you to know, I still want to be friends. I look up to you, you're strong."
Bakugo looked at Izuku blankly for a moment, then shrugged. "Yeah, OK. On one condition. You quit calling me fucking Kacchan. You can call me Katsuki, I don't give a damn. But we're not five anymore, Deku."
"Well you don't call Izuku useless!" Mei snapped. "He is a hard worker, and has lots of muscles, and is very smart, and can-um, he can fight lots of bad guys!"
Bakugo frowned at Mei. "Who the fuck are you, Goggles?"
Izuku gritted his teeth to bite down an uncharacteristic instinct to shove Bakugo's teeth down his throat. "Kach-um, Katsuki, this is Mei. She's my, er, girlfriend."
"What? Since when the hell do you-" Bakugo's eyes narrowed. "Wait. You're the one, aren't you. From… right. Ok." Bakugo breathed out through his nose, looking around. "Listen. We've got to talk later, nerd. I… dammit. There's some shit we need to discuss. I don't know who all I can trust. But you're pure as a damn virgin, so-"
"Izuku is not a virgin NEET!" Mei snapped. "He is my boyfriend!"
That seemed to startle Bakugo off his train of thought. "Wait, what? Shit. I don't even-look, we'll talk later. I've got some shit to do now." With that, Bakugo walked off.
As he did so, Izuku frowned. For one thing, that was not how he remembered Bakugo behaving. Ever. For another, where had Bakugo gotten an enormous two handed axe, and why was he bringing it to school? Granted it looked shockingly natural on him, but…
"Something weird is going on," Izuku muttered as he shook his head. "Come on. Let's go figure out what's going on with your class schedule."
As it turned out, Mei really was in Class 1A now, which both of them found baffling for different reasons.
"Yes, you're in the hero course, dear, I'm quite certain," the secretary said, annoyed at the resistance towards such a coveted position. "Now please, there are still lots of students with questions about their schedules. Take a map and hurry along, class starts in a few minutes."
This left Izuku and Mei walking away, sharing confused looks.
"Well, I mean, at least we get to be in class together?" Izuku said.
"Yes, that will not be so bad, all of the kids in 1H were dumb and boring," Mei agreed. She smiled widely. "I will have three friends at school now! I have never had friends at school before! This will be great!"
"You never had friends before?" Izuku asked, feeling a pang in his chest.
Mei shrugged. "People think I am weird, and I had bad social skills, and I was in special education, and I only cared about my babies before anyway. Now, things are different."
"Really? You were in special ed too?" Izuku asked, surprised.
Mei blushed. "Um, yes. I did not tell you, but, um, I am autistic."
"Really? Huh, that's cool. I was, um, quirkless. They put me in special education too for counseling since that's considered a disability before well, you know," Izuku admitted.
"Oh, right, because you got your quirk from," Mei looked around, then leaned in and lowered her voice. "All Might."
"Right, yeah, that's a secret still though. I'll have to talk to him soon too. I'll introduce the two of you, it will be great!" Izuku agreed with a wide grin.
As they approached Class 1A, Izuku could already hear a commotion. Students around them were also stopping and looking down the hall, where shouting could be heard. Izuku and Mei hurried forward, watching as a tall blond girl Izuku had never seen before grimly strode through the halls. She had a student tucked under each of her arms, and they were both kicking and yelling at the top of their lungs.
"Dammit, put me down! I refuse! You can't make me! I'm going back to being a full time NEET!" the boy she was carrying shouted.
"I am going to be a NEET too!" the girl wailed as she struggled to free herself from her captor's grip, small fists pitifully hitting the larger girl's back as she flailed about. "We will sit in our apartment all day, and do nothing but play video games and eat junk food! So put me down, before I cast Explosion on you!"
"Wait, is that…?" Izuku gasped at the familiar phrase.
Mei, however, grinned and ran forward. "Darkness! Kazuma! Megumin! It's me, Mei!"
Kazuma and Megumin ceased their struggles, looking up in surprise.
"Mei." Darkness said, nodding. After a closer look, Izuku could tell it was her, but she looked different, younger somehow. She suddenly dropped her burdens, who landed with a loud thud and muffled groans. "Perhaps you can talk some sense into these two."
"Hi!" Mei said, grinning widely and kneeling in front of Megumin. "Are you coming to school here now too? I thought you were gone forever! I am very happy to see you again, Megumin."
Megumin sat up, sniffing and wiping at her eyes, the same deep crimson as ever. "Mei? What are you doing here? Did you get exiled too?"
"What? No, this is UA, my school. I am in Class 1A now! Why are you here, Megumin?" Mei asked.
Izuku hurried forward, a huge smile on his face. "You guys! I don't believe it! It is you! I thought we'd never see any of you again!"
Kazuma stood casually, dusting himself off. "Yeah, well, sorry disappoint you, Midoriya."
"See? I told you that it was a good idea to come to school. It is our duty to do well, and once more become heroes," Darkness crossed her arms triumphantly. Then she stepped forward and drew Mei into a tight hug. "I am glad to see you again. I thought… but if you are here, then is…?"
"Tokoyami should be coming soon," Izuku told her. He looked behind Darkness, and smiled wider when he spotted Aqua, who was shuffling forward, her eyes downcast. "And Aqua! What are you doing here? I thought you would be, um, well, you know…"
Aqua looked up, revealing her eyes to be red and puffy, her cheeks stained with tears. But she forced herself to smile. "Hi, Izuku. No. This is where I belong now, I guess. I'm… I'm just like you. An ordinary, mortal human."
"Wait, what?" Izuku gasped. He looked around, but people in the halls were still staring at them and the show they were putting on. "Crap. Here, let me see if anyone else is inside."
Thankfully, it was still 10 minutes until the bell, and no one else was inside of 1A. Izuku even checked behind Mr. Aizawa's desk to be sure, but their teacher wasn't passed out there just yet. He motioned the others inside, while Darkness dragged Kazuma and Megumin in with Aqua drudging behind before slumping bonelessly into a desk.
"What happened?" Izuku asked after he shut the door. "All I remember is Smith saying he'd do a roll back, and then I was suddenly at home in my bed, but it's three months before the Sports Festival on the first day of school."
"Same thing happened to us," Kazuma said, sighing and helping Megumin up, then taking a seat at a desk himself. He glanced at Aqua, who was staring listlessly at the wall, her head laid down on her desk. "But, um, well…"
"We got our status as goddesses revoked," Megumin explained, fidgeting nervously. "I'm just a regular Crimson Demon now. Or maybe even just a human, though I still have my red eyes. And Aqua…"
"I'm a human too," Aqua mumbled, lifting her head and sniffing. She rubbed at her eyes with her hands, then smiled, a watery if warm look. "But, I'm here with all of you. So, that's what I really wanted anyway. I'm happy. Really. I just…"
"Hey, it's OK," Kazuma said gently. He reached over and put his hand on Aqua's trembling shoulder. "We're in this together."
"Yes. Specifically, we are in school together. And I shall not allow the two of you to retreat into NEEThood," Darkness warned. "You will come to class, every day."
"Well you can make me come, but you can't make me try!" Kazuma snapped. "I've saved two worlds now! I deserve a damn break!"
"Are you dumb?" Mei asked Kazuma. "Did you already forget?"
Kazuma froze, and he looked away. When he spoke, his voice was rough. "No, I haven't. Maybe that's why I just want to hide in my room. It's safe there. Besides, what did I even do? I was barely a part of that final battle."
Megumin shook her head. "You saved me, and you blew up that buttler. That counts for something, right? Besides, at least we are together. This seems to be a peaceful world. Maybe we can relax."
"There's still villains here, but thanks to All Might, this world is safe… or at least, much safer than the last one." Izuku said with a smile. "Don't worry, this can be fun! Everyone here is really nice."
So, of course, that was when the door opened and Bakugo strode in. He paused, looking around the room. "Ok. What the fuck."
"Katsuki!" Izuku said, spinning around. "Um, these are our new classmates!"
"The fuck they are," Bakugo said, his eyes narrowed as he looked around the room. "Who the hell are these people? Who let a bunch of jackasses and the weird one from the support course in here?"
Izuku's jaw clenched and his fists tightened. "Katsuki. These are my friends. And our classmates. I suggest you respect them."
"Yeah, no, these are not our damn classmates," Bakugo said, his hand going to his back and grasping the axe he had strapped there. "Someone better start talking fast, or Red here's about to get a warm up."
Izuku let One For All fill him, the energy suddenly radiating from his body. "I won't let you hurt them, Katsuki."
"Won't let me!? Shit, this all makes sense now! You're not fucking Deku, you're some damn replacement!" Bakugo snarled as he drew the axe. "Well I've dealt with shit like this before. I will pile your fucking corpses at that fuckers feet until that four eyed bastard shows his damn face!"
"Hault!" Darkness ordered. She raised her hand, and her great sword appeared in it. "I know not who you are, but if you seek to harm Midoriya, I shall not allow it!"
"Yeah, you mess with him, you mess with all of us you spikey haired son of a bitch," Kazuma agreed.
Megumin grinned, her hands twitching. "Let me blow him up. I wanna blow him up."
"THAT'S MY LINE!" Bakugo roared, blasts emanating from his hands as he gripped his axe. "ALRIGHT! LET'S DO THIS! COME ON! I'LL BEAT YOU ALL! I'LL-"
"Bakugo! What's going on!" a girl ran into the room, her hands raised as glowing circles appeared around them. "Don't worry, we've got your back!"
Bakugo just about jumped out of his skin, leaping to the side as his eyes bugged out of his head, but strangely, so did Izuku's four new classmates.
"Yunyun?!"
"Kazuma? Megumin? Wait, is that you, Darkness and… Aqua? You look… different," the new girl said. "Bakugo, why are you fighting my friends?"
Bakugo's head jerked around. "Wait, you know these jerkoffs?! And what the fuck are you doing here, Yunyun! I thought-shit, what's going on?!"
"Um, I sort of got banished here," Yunyun admitted. "They, um, they realized I'd been staying in the Divine Realm and kicked me out. I thought I was getting sent back to Belzerg, but, well, we sort of woke up here."
"'We?'" Kazuma demanded. "Who the fuck is we?"
Two more strange girls entered the room, one a petite blond with an even bigger sword than Darkness', the other a silver haired girl with a boyish figure carrying twin daggers in a reverse grip.
"Eris?!" Aqua gasped. "You got banished here too?"
"Ok, we need to figure out just what the hell is going on," Kazuma groaned, scratching his head. "I don't-"
"Big brother!" the blonde squealed, her sword vanishing as she jumped over and tackled Kazuma in a hug. "I never thought I'd see you again!"
"Wait, who even are you?" Kazuma gasped, looking up in befuddlement at the grinning teen girl from flat on his back.
"Don't you remember me! It's me, Iris!" the girl said, laughing. "I thought you were all dead! I thought I was dead!"
"We were fucking dead," Bakugo grumbled, lowering his axe. "I want to know what the f-rick happened after you and me bought the farm."
"Iris," Megumin hissed, her crimson eyes glowing. "You have one second to get off of my boyfriend before I unleash my dark powers upon you!"
"Oh relax Megumin," Iris said, climbing off of Kazuma. "You two are really dating, though? I'm disappointed, Kazuma. I told you I'd marry the hero who defeated the Devil King. Though I suppose now Big Bro has some competition."
Just when Izuku thought things couldn't get any crazier, the rest of Class 1-A showed up right as the first bell rang. This time, Izuku saw some of the people he expected; Todoroki, Iida, Kaminari and Yaoyorozu arrived in a group, along with Uraraka who was talking with Iida. Then came Sero, Ashido, and Kirishima, who seemed to recognize the strange new students. Last of all came Tokoyami, who shuffled in looking depressed, but upon seeing Darkness let out a cry and ran over to embrace her.
"I thought you were gone forever," Darkness whispered, returning the embrace and giving Tokoyami a tight squeeze back.
"Hiya toots, we're back!" Dark Shadow squawked. Tokoyami, for his part, seemed too overcome to speak.
"Right. You two are going to have to knock that off before I expel you," Mr. Aizawa said as he walked into the room. For some reason, Izuku got the impression he was even more irritated than usual.
"Sorry, sir," Tokoyami apologized, quickly separating from Darkness. "It's just-"
"I don't really care," Aizawa interrupted, tossing a stack of papers nonchalantly onto his desk. He looked around at the students, who had all been standing and talking frantically. "Time is precious. What are you all waiting for?"
Everyone scrambled to their seats, save for Kazuma, who slumped at his desk, already looking bored. Mei raised her hand, and Aizawa let out a heavy sigh. "What is it, Hatsume?"
"Why am I in this class?" Mei demanded. "I was in the Support Class, this is very strange."
Aizawa frowned. "What do you mean? Be rational for once. You were placed in the Hero Course on recommendations. We had a lot of those this year, which is why we've opened up a third class."
With a sigh, Aizawa sank down into his chair. Immediately, a loud, wet fart resounded through the room. Everyone stared in shock, while Aizawa closed his eyes, gritting his teeth. "I am going to kill that woman."
"Who are you anyway?" Kazuma asked, his legs kicked up on his desk. "Some sort of bum who wandered into the school?"
"Kazuma, that's the teacher, Shota Aizawa! He's a pro hero," Uraraka hissed, slapping at his feet.
Rolling his eyes, Kazuma straightened up in his seat. "A Pro Hero? What, are heroes in this world-OOOF."
Kazuma rubbed his side as Uraraka continued to glare at him, even after having elbowed him in the gut.
"Well, it looks like I'm going to have a smaller class by the end of the day. At least that will cut down on all the work," Aizawa deadpanned. He reached under his desk and pulled out a box of PE uniforms. "Right, put these on and-"
Iida sprang up and grabbed the box. "Everyone, please form an orderly line. Yaoyorozu, if you would take the girls uniforms and distribute them, we can make this much more efficient."
"Who died and put you in charge?" Kazuma demanded of Iida.
"I'm the-oh." Iida flushed, looking embarrassed. "Um, that is, I felt that someone should take charge, and er, I think I would make a good class rep so-"
"Everyone in favor of making Engine Legs the class rep," Bakugo sighed, raising his hand.
Everyone quickly raised their hands, save for Kazuma, who did so after another glare from Uraraka.
Aizawa blinked. "Well. Normally I don't have you choose a class rep on the first day, but I suppose that's less work for me as well. Hurry up and get changed. We're going outside."
Izuku quickly grabbed his PE uniform. He wondered just what was going to happen next.
Author's Note
And we're back! Season 2 has undergone some evolutions since we left off, with a few changes I'll outline real quick
There will still be some chapters that take place in Belzerg, followed by a chapter of DEEP LORE explaining How We Got Here cosmically speaking. However, I'm going to hold those chapters until after we've gone through our first complete arc at UA, instead of sprinkling them throughout. I've also re-written some sections to weave together a larger myth arc that will have pay off in this season, but also cumulate in the finale. This season is about 22 chapters, after which I will need to do some evaluation as I continue to work on the final arc of the story.
Big thanks to my betas who have helped me out, and I hope you enjoy this latest offering.
Chapter 20: Fast Times At UA High[img: . ]
Beta'd by The Evil Within and The Grand Cogitator
Fast Times At UA High
And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa
They're coming to take me away ho-ho hee-hee ha-haaa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa
-Shota Aizawa
For the life of him, Kazuma could not understand why he was standing out in the morning sun dressed in a PE uniform. Well, he sort of understood, he just wasn't happy about it. Apparently, they were having some sort of physical exam, and who ever scored the lowest would be kicked out.
"I should be inside playing games," Kazuma grumbled. "I haven't seen what sort of MMOs there are in this world. Being in school is seriously going to cut into my grinding sessions. But someone had to kill my hopes and dreams."
Darkness shook her head. "I told you, we're learning to be heroes. Just think of how skilled Midoriya and the others were. We could afford to learn something from this Mr. Aizawa."
"I don't know, I feel like lying in bed and eating chips all day," Aqua muttered. "That's what mortals do, right?"
"If you do that, you'll be the only virgin NEET in our group. Just imagine how much Kazuma will lord it over you then," Darkness pointed out.
Aqua frowned. "Why should I care? It's not like I can fulfill my duty as a goddess now. The Lord of the Tomb isn't even here, what'd be the point of 'training' to face him? I don't even have any of my powers anymore. I'm just an ordinary human."
"Listen up," Aizawa suddenly barked. "UA isn't bound to traditions. Here, instead of attending some pointless opening ceremony, we'll be doing physical testing to see who's worth the effort to teach. Previously, you were barred from using your quirks. Today, that ends. But keep this in mind: whoever gets the lowest score, I'm kicking you out."
"Hey, see Aqua?" Kazuma crowed, grinning. "We just have to fail and we'll be back to NEEThood in no time!"
"I'm going to beat you this time, Megumin!" Yunyun shouted as she ran to the pitch, fire in her eyes. "You'll see! I'll finally be a worthy rival."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Megumin muttered, clearly uninterested while focusing on trying to push up her jumpsuit.
"Hey Aqua, I'm going to do my best too!" Eris said, giving the former goddess a big smile. "We might be ordinary mortals now, but we still have to try!"
"Ugh, fine," Aqua groused. "I'm not letting my junior beat me, even if we both are pathetic humans now."
"I guess I'll try," Kazuma agreed with a heavy sigh. "It'd be boring to be stuck at home all on my own."
Wait, had he really said that? He was a NEET! Being at home on his own was his life's goal! And yet, he really didn't want to just sit around at home alone, even if he could play video games. Sure, it sounded fun if he and the girls were there, or maybe even Midoriya or Tokoyami for a few hours, but on his own? It just didn't have the same appeal as it used to.
Kazuma watched, bored, as the students lined up for the first test, throwing a soft ball as far as they could.
"DIE!" the spiky haired blond kid roared, and lit off a massive explosion as he did so, sending the crispy-fried ball into the stratosphere.
"Wait, we can use detonation magic!?" Megumin cried, suddenly invested in the test.
The teacher shrugged. "You can use whatever your quirk allows or other method you choose.. Just remember, you have to compete in every category."
"Darkness, I will need your help!" Megumin cried, her eyes alight with sudden passion. "I'll need your stamina to get off as many Explosions as possible!"
"Helping your fellow students is hardly logical, and isn't something you can count on reliably," Aizawa sighed.
"Oh piss off old man," Bakugo grumbled as he slouched back to his place in the group. "In a real fight you have to rely on your allies. No one's tough enough to take on a boss villain alone."
Instantly, most of the kids from this world snapped their heads to Bakugo.
"Wait, did he really just say that?" Uraraka asked. "Did Bakugo seriously just say that you have to rely on your allies?"
"I think he did," the kid with the engines in his legs said, frowning. "That seems most uncharacteristic of him."
"Oh relax Iida," the pink skinned babe laughed. "Bakugo's much chiller now, trust me!"
Their teacher narrowed his eyes at the contrarian point, but simply called up the next student. "Aqua."
"Alright! I'll show you Eris, this is the power of a senior, uhh, student!"
"We're in the same grade now though…" Eris mumbled.
Flexing her arm, Aqua strode up to the circle, grinning as she picked up the ball. She windmilled her arm, then hurled the ball as hard as she could.
"Ninety five meters," the teacher reported with a small nod.
"Ha! That's not as impressive as Porcupine's score, but I'm certain I won't get last place!" Aqua bragged as she stepped aside.
"Hmmm," Eris mused, hurrying forward. She looked at the teacher, considering. "You said we could use our abilities, right?"
"That's literally the point, yes," Aizawa agreed.
"Awesome! Lesser Strength! Greater Fortune! Greater Endurance! Featherweight!" Eris stuck her tongue out between her lips, stood on one leg in a perfect pitcher's stance, before hurling the ball in a sharp arc.
"One hundred and eighteen meters."
"WHAT!? That was cheating! She used a bunch of buffs!" Aqua complained.
Aizawa's eyebrow twitched. "What part of this do you not understand about this? I said you should use your quirks. So long as you complete the challenge, anything else is allowed. There is no cheating in this exam."
"My turn then!" Megumin cackled, striding forward confidently. She tossed the ball up in the air a few times, testing its weight.
"Um, maybe everyone should step back," Izuku commented warily. Uraraka was already sprinting for the building behind them, with Mei not far behind her.
"Why is everyone running?" Kaminari asked, looking around in confusion.
"Dude, don't question it. That's the crazy chick the Crimson Demons were always raving about, and Yunyun says she's nuts," Kirishima stated as he dragged his friend away. "Come on, let's get behind cover."
"Yes! You should all beware, for I shall unleash my full power!" Megumin roared as she stuck her hands up in the air, a staff forming in her hands to her surprise. She didn't let on, instead intoning, "Darkness, blacker than black, deeper than the void, come forth now at thy mistresses command!"
Kazuma took a step behind Darkness, who had planted herself against what they knew was coming. He noticed that the teacher's eyes suddenly glowed, his hair floating about his head as Megumin chanted.
"EXPLOSION!" Megumin roared as she flung the ball, and of course, a massive fireball erupted. It wasn't her biggest one, she was obviously holding back, but the ball hit the shockwave and was launched out of sight. They really went through the softballs at this school.
"Ehehehehe. How many points, Kazuma?" Megumin giggled from her position flat on her back.
Kazuma rubbed his chin as their classmates slowly returned. "Well, I noticed that one wasn't full power, so I have to give you credit there. You clearly timed it well, so that the ball would catch the shockwave just right. I give you full points for technique, but I have to take a few off for power. Eighty five points."
"Well. Congratulations. You turned your ball to ash mid-flight, so I can't mark where it landed," their teacher deadpanned. "So, since I didn't get a number-"
"The ball was mostly intact during flight, but I last saw it intact upon entering the lower part of the stratosphere at about 25 kilometers," Mei piped up. "That was a great explosion, Megumin, let me try next!"
"Will that even work?" Megumin asked as Kazuma picked her up and carried her back over to the class. "I mean, I'm not a you-know-what anymore either."
"Eh, it's probably fine, they said I could keep my spells and gear so I think we'll be alright. Which is good because my quirk is just Zoom which makes my eyesight very good," Mei remarked.
All the while their teacher was looking out at the field, studying the crater as well as where the last located location was for the ball. From the way his brow twitched, Kazuma guessed he was developing a migraine. Aizawa glanced at Megumin, who gave him a smug grin. "That was impressive, but it doesn't mean anything if you-"
"Drain Touch," Kazuma said, resting his hand on Darkness' leg, the other on Megumin's head as she lay on the ground.
Darkness let out a throaty moan, which made most of their classmates wince and awkwardly look away.
"Wait, is she…?" Kaminari asked, a blush staining his cheeks.
"Have a care, Kazuma," Tokoyami growled. "She is my lover, not yours."
"Oh relax bird brain, she's got stamina to spare," Kazuma said. He stopped the spell, dusting off his hands and standing. "There, that should be good."
"Yes, I am ready for my next spell!" Megumin agreed eagerly, jumping to her feet. "I would like to see you do better, Yunyun!"
"Um, ok." Yunyun moved forward, taking the ball.
"I'm saying it now: the next person to blow up the field completely is getting expelled," their teacher warned.
"Oh! Ah, I'm not doing that," Yunyun nervously said. She looked up, pointing to the moon, which was faintly visible in the morning sun. "What if I hit the moon?"
"Well, then you'd score rather well, wouldn't you?" Aizawa stated blandly.
Yunyun grinned. "Great! Advanced Teleport!" The ball vanished in her hands. "Um, you'll have to take my word that the ball's on the moon, I can't really go check…"
Aizawa stared blankly at Yunyun, then looked at his small watch, nodded, and made a note on his device. "Right. 385,000km, that's the moon. Good work."
"What?! You can't teleport the ball to the Moon! You can only teleport it to places you've been, Yunyun!" Megumin ranted.
Aizawa paused, looking up at this new information. "Is that true?"
"W-well, normally, yes, b-but I put extra points in Teleport! Honest! I can teleport objects to anywhere I can see, and, well, I can see the moon, so…"
Aizawa sighed. "That just raises more questions I probably won't like the answer to. We'll be having a talk later. In any case, distance is essentially unlimited anyway. The score stands."
"Oh, now it's my turn," Uraraka said, cracking her knuckles and grinning.
Kazuma sighed. "You're going to use the same trick I just thought of, aren't you?"
"Well it's what I did last time! I mean, um, the last time I bet my friends. Or something," Uraraka said. She took the ball, touched it lightly, then tossed it up into the air, casually watching as it rose until it vanished from sight.
Aizawa tapped something on his pad, then held it up. Uraraka grinned and pumped her fist. The pad read, ∞.
Kazuma, of course, repeated the trick, though his results were rather less impressive as his Feather spell only reduced an object's weight, not totally eliminating the effects of gravity, still resulting in a fine score of 450 meters before it wore off. Mei had cobbled together a small pocket rocket, and her ball had traveled about a thousand meters before blowing up. Aizawa counted it to the last point before impact, at which point Kazuma decided that the test was more about how smart you were about applying your abilities, not what score you got. As he said this outloud, Aizawa simply stared at him in judgement that it took this long to sink in.
The really interesting thing though was when Midoriya stepped up. When he threw the ball, it traveled a paltry 70 meters, not even beating out Aqua. However, Kazuma also noticed that Aizawa's hair and eyes behaved oddly again, and started to wonder just what that meant.
"I've told you before, if you destroy yourself with your quirk, you won't be able to save anyone, " Aizawa growled at Midoriya.
"Sir, don't worry. I've got this," Midoriya assured. "I've been practicing since the entrance exam."
Aizawa shrugged. "Fine, but if you break your arm, I'm not sending you to the nurse. You'll have to spend the rest of the test that way."
"No he won't, I'll just Heal him!" Aqua snapped.
Aizawa raised an eyebrow at her. "And if I told you not to?"
"Then I would do it anyway, because he's my friend," Aqua sniffed. "And you would be a big stupid meany."
"Not listening to the teacher is a good way to get yourself expelled. You already have the lowest score," Aizawa pointed out.
Aqua planted her hands on her hips. "Well then you're dumb! A real hero has to do what's right, even if people tell them not to! Even if it means I get a lower score than Midoriya, I'll still help him! Besides, maybe I don't want to be in your dumb class! I can be a hero just fine on my own, right Kazuma!?"
"Sure, whatever," Kazuma said with a shrug. "I'm sure we could make some cash beating up low level villains or whatever. 'Cause if you're not sticking around neither am I."
"Or me! If you expel Aqua, you have to expel me too!" Megumin declared.
"Oh just relax, he's lying anyway," Bakugo said, rolling his eyes. "He does these stupid logical deceptions. He's not going to expell you so just cool your tits."
Aizawa studied Bakugo. "And what if it wasn't a logical deception. What if I decided allowing you to become a hero would unleash a menace to society?"
Bakugo flushed, his lips forming a snarl of anger. "Then I-"
"Bakugo, control yourself," Iris snapped. "This is no behavior for a knight."
The sound of Bakugo grinding his teeth was audible, but he didn't say anything further. Aizawa nodded, motioning for Midoriya to throw the ball. He stepped up to the plate, arm crackling with power. As he threw the ball, a gale of wind whipped up, and there was a deafening sonic boom.
"Ow," Izuku said, wincing and flexing his arm as the dust settled. "I think I overdid it. Might have strained the muscle."
"Heal!" Aqua said. And then stuck her tongue out at Aizawa.
"Right. Well, you didn't break your arm at least, so I suppose I'll count that," Aizawa sighed. "But you still need better control."
"Yes sir, sorry. Next time I'll hold back a little more. I um, wanted to show off," Izuku admitted.
"No showboating," Aizawa said. "It's a waste of energy. Still, you were just short of low Earth Orbit. So 1,000 km. Next is Iris."
"Just watch me Big Bro!" Iris said with a grin, running up to the plate.
"Who's this chick?" Kaminari wondered aloud. "And why does she call that guy Big Bro? Are you two related or something?"
"It's, er, a long story," Kazuma hesitated to say. He was still curious as to how Iris was alive, and apparently the same age as him. Which seemed to be about sixteen.
Iris took the ball, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Then her eyes snapped open. "SACRED SWORD TECHNIQUE!" She sent the ball soaring, nearly as hard as Midoriya had, sending it well over the horizon, and earning herself a respectable 500km.
After that the other students went, most of them managing fairly impressive scores, with Darkness getting a decent 103 meters. Which meant that Aqua was firmly in last place. The rest of the tests were the sort of thing Kazuma expected from a field day, from the 100 meter dash, to pull ups, situps, and push ups. He didn't try very hard, just doing well enough not to end up too near the bottom. His best event was probably the standing long jump since he had the Acrobatics skill and could jump quite high when he wanted to.
Aqua, of course, came in dead last in every single event.
"I'm going to get expelled!" Aqua wailed, crying as they assembled for the rankings.
"Shut up!" Bakugo barked. "I told you he was lying!"
"I wasn't lying, and I'm considering expelling a number of you," Aizawa snapped. "I've seen insubordination, lackadaisical attitudes, heard literal discussions of how to rob villains, and a sheer lack of attempting to understand how to put power to use. This is why I will be -"
Kazuma stepped closer to Hatsume, whispering something in her ear. She nodded, and pushed her way forward as Aizawa continued his lecture.
"LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" Hatsume cried, pointing behind their teacher.
That brought Aizawa up short, and he turned his attention to Mei. "What? What was even the point of that? Are you-" Aizawa glanced at his hand, which was now empty, his PDA gone. "Alright, very funny what are you-"
Kazuma passed the PDA back to Yunyun, who muttered, "Teleport!" and the pad appeared back in Aizawa's hand.
"… right. Some of you seem to be taking this seriously, but others are-"
"Hey teach, check your numbers," Kazuma called. "Might want to reconsider before you decide to expel anyone."
"I know what the numbers say, they-" Aizawa paused, checking his device. Kazuma grinned.
"Well. It seems I won't be expelling the lowest scoring individual after all." Aizawa looked up at Aqua, who was still sniveling. "You've got some growing up to do. But at least you seem to have a basic concept of teamwork. Back to class. We've apparently wasted enough time."
"What did you do?" Eris asked Kazuma as they walked back to get changed again.
Kazuma grinned. "I put Aizawa's name down as having the lowest scores. I figured this was just a test to see if we were smart enough to figure out how to use our abilities to pass. So, when Hatsume yelled, I used Steal and took his pad."
"That's rather clever," Iida remarked as they entered the changing room. "But not at all how this event works, or even how expulsion criteria are chosen."
"Well, I won, so who cares?" Kazuma shrugged. "Besides, I can't let Aqua stay home all day. She'd eat all my snacks and get into my stuff."
"You two… are siblings then?" Todoroki asked, frowning. "You seem to know those girls rather well."
"Nah, we're just in the same apartment," Kazuma waved off. "Though I admit Aqua's sort of like my stupid annoying cousin or something at this point."
"That's a fucking understatement," Bakugo muttered. "Should have let that blue haired bimbo fix her own problems. Don't know why Eris looks up to her, she seems dumber than a sack of bricks."
Kazuma smiled, then pointed a finger at Bakugo. "Freeze!"
The other boy let out a yelp, then made to attack Kazuma, murder in his eyes.
"Lurk."
Bakugo, half naked, stumbled through where Kazuma had been, looking around wildly. "You don't get to do that kind of shit, Shifty! You hear me! You slippery little-"
"Katsuki?" Midoriya said, stepping forward. "Aqua's my friend. I'd appreciate it if you didn't insult her. Even if she is… um, a little odd at times. And don't try to kill Kazuma either."
"The fuck is it to you, nerd?" Bakugo demanded, his eyebrows twitching.
"We're buddies," Kazuma said, reappearing and leaning against Midoriya's shoulder. Was it just him, or had the other boy shrunk a little? It was a little hard to tell, since Kazuma was pretty sure he was a few centimeters shorter himself. "So, you mess with me, you mess with Midoriya. And I saw him drop kick, um, let's just say something real big and tough. So you don't scare me."
"Hiding behind friends, huh?" Bakugo snarled. "Well, maybe you and I will just have to-"
There was a sudden pounding on the wall that divided the boys and girls locker rooms. "KATSUKI! STOP PICKING ON MY BIG BRO! I ORDER YOU TO STOP!" Iris' voice bellowed.
"SHUT UP WOMAN, YOU'RE NOT THE QUEEN HERE!" Bakugo shouted back.
"DO YOU ABANDON YOUR OATHS SO EASILY? SHALL I CALL YOU KATSUKI THE OATH BREAKER!" Iris demanded
Bakugo flushed, in either embarrassment or anger. "FINE! BUT YOU'RE TELLING ME WHY THE F-FRICK HE'S YOUR BIG BROTHER!"
"Quiet down and get changed!" Aizawa's voice snapped them from their shouting match.
Bakugo ground his teeth again, but complied, limiting himself to death glares in Kazuma's direction. Kazuma, for his part, blew back a kiss.
"Hey, maybe don't antagonize Katsuki," Izuku warned, nudging Kazuma. "He's my friend too, you know. Plus, he might literally make you explode."
"Seriously? You're friends with Captain Asshole over there?" Kazuma asked incredulously. "You're like, the nicest guy I know. He has the personality of a fire drake with a sore tooth."
"Dragon!" Bakugo snapped. "I'm not some weak-ass fire drake!"
"Well that explains why Iris has you whipped," Kazuma shot back. "Because she spanks dragons before breakfast!"
"Right, I'm putting a stop to this," Iida said, pointing at Kazuma. "Silence." He pointed again at Bakugo. "Silence as well."
Kazuma rolled his eyes and opened his mouth, before stopping as no sound came out.
"Thank you," Todoroki said. "That was getting irritating."
Bakugo waved his hands and lit off a few silent explosions, making rude gestures in both Iida's and Kazuma's direction.
"I'm not lifting it until you both behave," Iida said stubbornly. He glanced at Kazuma, who was pulling down one eyelid while he flipped Bakugo off. "Perhaps I should have Kaminari shock both of you."
"Oh I'm up for it!" Kaminari laughed. "Wait 'til you get a load of my powers!"
"Where'd you learn a Silence spell?" Midioriya asked curiously.
Iida flushed. "Er, it's part of my quirk. Don't be absurd, magic doesn't exist."
"Dude, even I can figure out something's going on," Kaminari said, patting Iida on the shoulder. "Bet they had the same thing happen we did."
"We're supposed to keep it a secret though!" Iida hissed.
"We'll talk about it later," Todoroki said, finishing tying his shoe. "Come on. We must be perfectly prepared, lest Aizawa fulfill his threat."
Kazuma quickly got his school uniform back on, then headed back to class.
"Right," Aizawa said as he massaged his face. "Now it's time for introductions. Apparently, some of you know each other already, but I need a few minutes, as someone replaced all my white board markers with sharpies," Aizawa growled. "I am going to murder that woman. You, Yunyun, you're first."
"Um, ok!" Yunyun hurried to the front of the class, giving a quick bow. "Um, my name is Yunyun, and I am from, er,-"
"Tokyo!" Sero hissed.
"T-tokyo, um, my quirk is-"
"This is all wrong!" Megumin said, suddenly bolting up. "Yunyun, you are a disgrace to our culture!"
Yunyun flushed. "What? No! I'm giving a proper introduction, Megumin!"
"If you do not give a real, proper introduction in the way of our people, I will not let you pet Chomesuke for a week! I will steal your lunch every day! And I will no longer be your rival!" Megumin ranted.
Yunyun blinked. "Chomesuke is here? Um, but, I don't think-"
"Just get it over with," Aizawa ordered as he bent over and rummaged through his desk.
Yunyun sighed heavily. Then she leapt up on top of Mr. Aizawa's desk, causing him to jerk and bang his head on it.
"BEHOLD! I am Yunyun! Archwizard of the Crimson Demon Clan!" Yunyun proclaimed, her eyes glowing with a crimson light as she assumed a ridiculous pose. "I am she whose quirk is Advanced Magics, knowing dozens of mighty spells! Villains and demons tremble at my coming! I am she who shall one day become the Number 1 Heroine, and have the most friends of any in the Crimson Demon clan!"
The Yunyun blushed. "Um, sorry! T-that's how Crimson Demon's are supposed to introduce themselves, I know it's a little silly but-"
"That's enough, it's my turn!" Megumin ordered. Just as Mr. Aizawa reappeared from under the desk, Megumin jumped up on top of it, spilling his cup of coffee all over his face. She shoved Yunyun off the desk, summoning her staff from nowhere and striking an even more absurd pose. "BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN! DARK GODDESS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CULT! I AM SHE WHO IS MISTRESS OF EXPLOSION MAGIC, THE MOST POWERFUL OF ALL QUIRKS! ASSEMBLE! TOKUSENTAI SQUAD!"
Hatsume jumped up out of her seat, posing below Megumin. "Behold! I am Mei Hatsume! High Priestess of the Crimson Demon cult! I am she who shall make the cutest babies ever, and who has the strongest husband in class! Hi Izuku!"
Midoriya blushed, and waved shyly. Kazuma, for his part, was struggling not to laugh.
"I am Darkness! She who is toughest amidst the the Tokusentai Squad of Adventurers!" Darkness said as she struck a pose beside the desk. "I am she who enjoys nothing more than facing strong villains and monsters, using my body as a shield for my allies!"
With a sigh, Uraraka got up and walked up, striking her own pose next to Hatsume. "Behold! I am Ochako Uraraka. Sanest of the Tokusentai, she who really hopes that Mr. Aizawa doesn't expel us for this, and who will one day be the richest hero in Japan!"
"Psst!" Megumin hissed. "Aqua!"
"But I'm not part of the Crimson Demon Cult, I'm-oh! Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt!" Aqua scampered up, jumping up on the desk, only to slip and fall on spilled coffee, landing on Mr. Aizawa.
"THAT'S IT!" the teacher roared.
"No it's not!" Aqua gasped. She scrambled up on the desk, standing on her tiptoes to peer over Megumin. "I am Aqua! She who is most beautiful amidst the Tokusentai Adventurer Squad! I am master of healing magics, and she who has accepted her lot in life, even if that means I have to be a mortal!"
"TOKUSENTAI!" the five girls cried, echoed by Yunyun as she struck a pose alongside them.
Aizawa slowly stood, dripping with coffee, his left eye twitching. "Are you done?"
"Yes," Megumin said, hopping down off the desk. "That is how you do a proper introduction."
She took a bow, and Kazuma and Izuku clapped politely. A moment later, the rest of their classmates gave scattered applause as well.
"Right." Aizawa took a pad of paper out of his desk, grabbed a pen, and wrote five quick notes. Then, he considered, wrote another one, and handed it to Yunyun.
"I want you to know, Megumin, that if I get expelled, I'm charging you for my tuition," Uraraka said with a heavy sigh as she took the note from Mr. Aizawa. She took one look at it, and burst out laughing.
"I am sending you all to the nurse," Aizawa ground out. "Before I strangle all of you."
"What is 'Chunibyo?'" Megumin asked. "Is that a dark, terrible disease? Because I only contract diseases that are sufficiently dramatic."
"Why do we have Middle Two Disease?" Hatsume asked, sounding puzzled. "I do not feel sick."
"Pff, I can cure this disease, we don't have to go to the nurse," Aqua said with a dismissive wave of her hand.
"No, you do, because if you don't, I'm going to kill you, then expel you," Aizawa growled. "In 3… 2…"
There was a rush for the door, and the five girls (and Yunyun) hurried from the classroom.
"Right," Aizawa said, glaring around the room. "Does anyone else feel like making a fool of themselves?"
"Um, here sir," Yaoyorozu said. She pointed at Aizawa and chanted, "Cleanse."
The coffee vanished from Aizawa's face and clothes, and he started, looking at Yaoyorozu in shock.
"Um, sorry, I just… you look like you could use some help," Yaoyorozu said.
"Right. That's… new. What the hell is wrong with my paperwork? The rest of you are going to introduce yourselves. Normally," Aizawa ground out. He glared at Kazuma. "Any objections?"
"Yo. I'm Kazuma," Kazuma said, standing and walking to the front of the class. "My quirk, I guess it's Adventurer? I can do a lot of minor things that are Adventurer skills. Like this. Create Rations!" He held out a roll to Mr. Aizawa. "Want one? They're pretty good."
Aizawa took the roll, examining it. "That's interesting, and potentially very good for relief situations. Fine. Go sit down. I'm taking a damn nap. The rest of you better not wake me up."
Kazuma passed out snacks to everyone in the class as Aizawa took out a face mask and slipped it over his eyes, leaning back in his chair. He wasn't really fooling anyone though, Kazuma could tell he was watching them like a hawk. He listened to the introductions of most of the students with half an ear. He just didn't want to look like he cared that much. However, he sat up when it was Iris' turn.
"I am Her Majesty Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg the Second, Defender of the Realm, Protector of the Faith of Eris," she declared, standing with her sword tip planted on the ground, her hands resting on the pommel. "My quirk is Royal Blood of Heroes, which enables me to use Advanced Magics and summon the Holy Sword Caliber. I shall train here, in this world, then one day return to Belzerg and free my people!"
Aizawa lifted his face mask, frowning. "Do I need to write another note?"
"No, honored teacher," Iris said, bowing respectfully. "You merely said to introduce myself. I see no need for lies here, amidst those who would be my comrades and instructors."
Aizawa groaned softly. "I picked a bad year to quit smoking. Fine. You're the last one, Bakugo."
Bakugo grabbed his axe and slung it over his shoulder. He stood at the front of the class looking around. "I'm Katsuki Bakugo. My Quirk is Explosion. I blow stuff up." Then he made to go sit back down.
"If you do not introduce yourself properly, Bakugo, I am revoking your titles!" Iris snapped.
Bakugo glared at her. "What does it matter?! We're not there anymore!"
Iris glared right back. "I told you, I shall return and reclaim my throne, and free my people! Will you abandon your oath?"
Bakugo worked his jaw for a moment, then snapped his axe up in a salute, a manic grin appearing on his face. "I am Sir Katsuki Bakugo, Dragon Knight of Belzerg. I wield the Holy Axe Vaelastrasz, and am the sworn Shield of her Grace, Queen Iris."
Then Bakugo lowered the axe back to his shoulder and turned to Aizawa with a dead look on his face. "Guess I'm gonna need one of those nurse's notes for chunibyo too, teach."
In response, Aizawa took out a bottle of prescription strength tylenol from his desk and popped a pill into his mouth, swallowing it dry. He looked at the clock, and seemed to be waiting for something. After about 30 seconds of awkward silence, the bell rang. "Right. You go to lunch. I'm going to decide if I should expel you all, or just resign my position, because-"
"Aizawa!" a green haired woman Kazuma had never seen called, sticking her head in the room. "We need to talk! Have lunch with me?"
"Fukukado, I am slowly going insane, that, or I accidentally signed a bunch of lunatics up for my course," Aizawa sighed as the class hurried out the door. "You can eat lunch with me, only if you bought cigarettes."
"Glad I'm not the only one," the other teacher muttered, but smiled and pulled a pack out of her pocket. "I was going to use these as a joke, but I think I could use one too now. Come on, we'll eat on the roof!"
"Wait, what's Ms. Joke doing here?" Midoriya asked as they headed for the cafeteria.
Kazuma shrugged. "You tell me. This sure as hell isn't the Japan I remember. The future is weird."
"Kazuma, ix-nay onway ethay uture-fay," Midoriya hissed. "Ey-they ontday ownay!"
"Eway aren'tway upidstay, erdnay," Bakugo said.
"Did they have a stroke?" Kaminari asked, looking confused. "Why are they speaking in gibberish? You think they spoke that way in whatever world they ended up in, Todoroki?"
"It's pig latin, Kaminari," Todoroki said seriously. "Midoriya's trying to obscure the fact that Kazuma is from another world, and Bakugo is being an ass."
"Look, if Kaminari's figured it out, I'm pretty sure the rest of us have too," Kirishima sighed. "Come on. Let's go find somewhere private to talk, because man, I am still confused as hell. Like, Eris, it's good to see you and all, but what the heck are you doing here?"
"Um, we should talk in private," Eris said, blushing.
"Young Midoriya!" A booming voice called, and Kazuma turned to see someone that looked like he'd stepped out of a comic book standing there in a suit, smiling down at them while holding a sack lunch. "Come have lunch with me!"
"Um, yeah, that's a good idea, All MIght" Izuku blushed. "Um, Mei will need to come too, though. Kazuma, try not to do anything too stupid or start a fight, please."
"Hey! I'll have you know, I am usually the responsible one in my party," Kazuma protested.
"Yeah, because if someone screws up, you're responsible," Bakugo muttered.
Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "Little sis, we need to seriously talk about your supposed boyfriend."
"He's not really my boyfriend," Iris said casually. "More of my First Prince of the Sword. You know, like a fiance."
That made All Might do a double take, as both Bakugo and Kazuma started to shout protests.
"THE FUCK I AM! I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR-"
"-NOT ALLOW MY SISTER TO DATE, LET ALONE MARRY, A MASSIVE ASSHOLE!"
"What?! Young Bakugo, what are you and this young lady-"
"Let's… let's go, All Might," Midoriya interrupted, grabbing the larger man by the arm and dragging him away with a resolute face. "We really do need to talk."
Kazuma for his part, held out his hand towards Bakugo, ready to kill the son of a bitch "I swear, I-"
Suddenly, Chunchunmaru fell into Kazuma's hand. He looked down at it, surprised. "Huh. Didn't know I could do that."
"Come on, Big Bro," Iris said, linking her arm with Kazuma's. "We really do need to talk, but I'm hungry. This is your home country, right? You and Katsuki can show me all sorts of great Japanese cuisine!"
"Yeah, sure," Kazuma agreed, glaring at Bakugo. Bakugo grinned at him, making a "bring it" gesture as Iris linked her arms with the volatile blond. "Anything for my little sis."
Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2020
Chapter 21: TMIBeta'd and Edited by The Evil Within and The Grand Cogitator
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TMI
We are people of action. Lies do not become us.
-Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg
"And that is the story of how me and Izuku got married and saved the world," Mei finished with a satisfied smile.
All Might's jaw was hanging open, his 'lunch' sitting forgotten on the table before him. He was in his weakened form, his muscular form having long since faded even before the last bell for class rang. Interestingly, Mei didn't really seem to have noticed, happily continuing to tell the story of their months spent together in that other world.
"Uh, I know it sounds crazy, but we swear, it's all true," Izuku added. "Er, even the, um, parts about the wedding, and the goddesses, and also the whole fighting literal demons."
"I… well. That's quite the story, and raises just as many questions as it gives answers." All Might said slowly. "But it does explain just what I saw today on the practice field. You were using One For All far easier than I could have imagined at this point."
"I, um, I always say Aqua's holy worlds before I use my quirk. It, er, helps patch things up if I make mistakes. Though, still not as much as when she actively blesses me," Izuku admitted.
"Also it means I won't get pregnant, though I will have to ask Eris if she really does pad her chest," Mei mused with a finger in the air.
"Let's not," Izuku said, patting Mei's hand. "I think she'd probably be embarrassed. And it would be more than a little rude."
"You two have given me a lot to think about," All Might sighed. "And these other students, they're really from another world? That goes beyond what I could have expected. I wonder if we have any other visitors in the other classes…"
"Well, I was going to ask about that. I didn't really get a good look, but we have a third hero class. I only remember two," Izuku admitted.
"Yes, and I was in the Support Course. I do not mind changing, but it is very strange," Mei contributed.
"I'll talk with the other teachers about it," All Might promised with a grim smile. "Here, let me write you two a pass. I'm going to need to speak to Nezu now, he of all people should know."
"You don't think we should keep this a secret?" Izuku asked.
All Might shook his head. "Midoriya, you just told me an incredibly powerful alien force is making an active habit of invading other worlds. There are now students who have just come out of a war-time situation. It'd be an injustice to both them and us as teachers if we weren't there to help you all. To say nothing of explaining the issue that the previously mentioned multi-world conquering force could somehow find its way here. We'll need to prepare,whatever the future holds."
"They were not so tough, Izuku beat them up pretty easily and Megumin blew the big ones up!" Mei laughed.
"Even so, an invasion of a massive army led by people strong enough to go toe to toe with the bearer of One For All at full power is a dangerous threat. The issue isn't you aren't stronger than them. The problem is that they might be stronger than the average person, where they can attack the weakest links. They might have a harder time conquering our world, but that doesn't mean they still can't cause untold damage," All Might stated. "Here, take this pass and-"
The door to the teachers lounge suddenly opened, and Aqua wandered in, grumbling to herself. After actually looking up and noticing other people were present, she zeroed in on Izuku and came over. "Do you know where I can find a left handed screwdriver and some headlight fluid? Aizawa sent me to get some but no one seems to know where it is."
"You can use screwdrivers with either hand," Mei explained. "And you do not use fluid for headlights. I would know, my parents are both mechanics and so is my sister Hari."
"Sounds like you were sent on a wild goose chase," Izuku said, wincing. "Um, sorry. Aizawa does those little logical deceptions sometimes."
"What?! How dare he treat me like this?!" Aqua ranted. "I am a-" she glanced at All Might, then suddenly deflated. "Totally normal human. But he's still a jerk." She sniffed, and wiped at her nose. "I'll show him. How dumb does he think I am?!"
"Pretty dumb," Mei stated flatly. "You are not very smart."
Aqua glared at Mei, her nostrils flaring in anger and fists balled at her sides.
"Wait, Aqua, you, uh, you still have your healing powers, right?" Izuku asked, hoping to distract them both before a fight was started.
"Huh?" Aqua turned to Izuku frowning. "Yeah, mostly. I guess they're my 'Quirk' or whatever now. Why, you hurt yourself again?"
"No, um, it's my friend here, he um-"
"Toshinori Yagi," All Might spoke up, giving a small bow from his seated position to Aqua. "I'm a teacher here. I do have an old injury that bothers me. It-" he coughed, and when he removed his hand, there was blood on it. "It's pretty painful, actually."
"Oh!" Aqua was instantly all attention and smiles. "Well, if you're a teacher, maybe you can help me with Mr. Aizawa if I heal you! I'm really quite talented you know, I know the most powerful healing spells around! Some people would even say I'm a goddess of healing, you know."
"So I've heard," All Might said dryly. "Do you need to-"
Aqua stuck her hand out to touch All Might's chest. "Heal! Oh, wow, yeah, you're pretty messed up."
All Might blinked. "I… wow, I feel a lot better. That's amazing, how did you-"
"Sacred Greater Heal!" Aqua cried, a blue aura surrounding her and Toshinori. When she removed her hand, All Might was back in his muscled form.
"Ha. Haha! HAHAHA!" All Might laughed, flexing as he leapt to his feet, for once not feeling the stabbing pains that missing most of his stomach had caused. "Incredible! Amazing! I feel twenty years younger! Thank you, Aqua, from the bottom of my heart!"
"Hold on, there's something else," Aqua muttered, sticking her tough out of the corner of her lips and poking at All Might's chest in different places. "You got a disease or something? No, no, it's not a curse either, it's like something's missing from you."
"Oh, well, I, er," All Might stammered, looking awkwardly to Izuku.
"Hey Midoriya, come over here," Aqua ordered. "He feels like you a little bit."
"Huh?" Izuku said, but Aqua grabbed his hand and dragged him over.
"Yeah, yeah, OK, I see. Right. No problem at all! You're lucky I'm such an amazing goddess! Someone used some sort of skill drain on you, but don't worry, I can fix that. Sacred Restoration!"
This time the glow enveloped nearly the entire room, and All Might let out a gasp of shock. When the glow faded, Aqua stepped back and winked at All Might. "Don't forget, you owe me big time now! I restored that Skill you were missing, but it's going to take a little while for your Stamina and MP to fully come back. You've got a little bit right now but you should be able to be back on your feet in no time!"
All Might was once more gaping. He looked to Izuku, shaking his head. "Midoriya, do you… did she take your quirk?!"
"Huh?" Izuku made a fist and focused, and All For One coursed through his body. "No, it's still here, I can feel it."
"But this… this is impossible!" All Might gasped. "There cannot be two bearers!"
"Huh? What bears? Like a One Punch Bear? Midoriya, you take that out, I'm tired," Aqua yawned. She walked over to the couch, fluffed up one of the pillows, then lay down and started snoring, a bit of drool leaking from her lips.
"Midoriya, stay right here," All Might ordered, his eyes wide and body tense. "Don't let anything happen to that girl, goddess, whatever she is!" Then he took off at top speed, leaving Izuku and Mei alone with the passed out Aqua as the boom from his sudden movement echoed through the room.
"What just happened?" Mei asked, looking confused. "Was All Might really that hurt or something? He looked a little funny but I did not want to say anything because I thought it would be rude."
"He… he's been hurt for a long time," Izuku explained, looking down at Aqua in amazement. "If she actually healed him, and gave him back what I think she did…"
A few minutes later, Principal Nezu rode into the teachers lounge on All Might's shoulder. "It's me, the Principal, here to answer all your questions!"
"Can I have one of those giant robots? I've always wanted to take them apart and see how they work!" Mei demanded eagerly.
"Well, perhaps not all your questions," Nezu admitted. He hopped down, putting on a pair of spectacles and slipped out a piece of paper from his lapel. "Yes, let's see. Aqua Mizu. That just means water water, so it's a bit of a strange name, but I also have Tetsutetsu Tetsutetsu over in 1-B, so not by that much!. Her quirk is registered as 'Arch Priest.' She was let in on recommendation due to her quirk possessing incredibly potent healing abilities and potential benefit with our own Recovery Girl in case of emergencies. She's supposedly from Konosuba Middle School in Yanagawa, which has never actually existed despite us admitting more than 10 other students from it! Interesting! Midoriya, Hatsume, you're certain she's a goddess from another world?"
"Well, she can raise the dead which seems pretty goddess-like to me," Mei said with a shrug. "And it was definitely another world. We even learned French and German!"
"Wait, really?" Izuku asked.
"Oui, tu ne te souviens pas? Ils ont mis les autres langues dans notre tête," Mei grinned. And yet somehow, Izuku understood her perfectly.
"They speak French and German in other worlds?" Nezu asked incredulously, and more than a little interested.
"Nezu, this girl restored every organ that had been ripped out of my lower abdomen, and reversed the associated damage from the attack with hardly more than a touch,while restoring One for All to me, somehow." All Might said the last bit much more quietly. "It's not as strong as the original; there isn't as much stored power, I can sense it. But now, it's still more than the embers I had before. I can go back to being the Number 1 Hero. I can help people again! This changes everything."
"This is indeed a very strange twist." Nezu admitted. "I was wondering just why I approved a third hero course, as I could not see why we would admit that many people. I looked into the budget. We received several very large donations to open a third first year hero class, along with recommendations for an additional seventeen students. Some of which, as you've no doubt noticed from my previous listing, do not quite fit. Including this young lady here. Midoriya, Hatsume, would you mind looking at this for me?"
"Um, sure," Izuku said, and he and Mei sat down with a list of the first year students.
"Well, I am different. There are only 19 students in the support course, I am missing," Mei declared, taking out a highlighter and circling her own name on the sheet.
"Yeah, and then there's all the new students in our class," Izuku agreed. "Mei, do you recognize any of these names?"
"Well, some of them are obviously strange, like these sisters, Rem and Ram Akuma from 1B. I do not remember them at all, or this Felt Lagunica. That sounds foreign."
"We can add Natsuki Subaru and Emilia Fortuna too, I don't remember them either," Izuku said as Mei highlighted their selections.
"There is also Filo Filolial and Raphtalia Tanuki. I would remember someone named Tanuki," Mei stated.
"I think Iwatani Naofumi is new too," Izuku said hesitantly. "Hitoshi Shinso was in UA before, but he was in the General Studies course, I remember them calling his name during the Sports Festival."
"Izuku, all of the students in the Hero Course now are the ones who participated in the Cavalry Battle," Mei noted. "And look, they are all with the people who were on their teams. I think their classes changed, but not their teammates. Maybe they got caught in the explosion too."
"That would make sense, I don't think there are many ways to survive a point-blank blackhole," Izuku agreed. He looked up and handed the corrected paper back to Nezu. "Our best guess is that there are 15 students here who weren't before. Maybe they are from other worlds like Aqua, but we don't really know. Two students also came in from other courses."
"Right. We'll begin our investigation immediately," Nezu said with a nod. "Hurry back to class, take Aqua with you. I'm writing a note to Aizawa, give it to him and he should understand. We have protocols in place for this."
"You have a protocol for students from another world showing up at your school?" Mei asked, wrinkling her nose in disbelief.
Nezu chuckled. "My dear, I'm the principal at a school for young heroes. This might be the strangest thing I've seen, but that just means we must be ready to deal with this or worse at a moment's notice. Plus Ultra, no?." Nezu grinned.
"Hey, Aqua, time to wake up," Izuku whispered, gently shaking the former goddess.
"Just… five more minutes," Aqua mumbled, batting at Izuku's hand. "Sleepy."
"Kazuma is drinking your liquor," Mei said.
"WHAT? WHERE?! I'LL KILL HIM!" Aqua snarled, jumping up, her eyes wild as she searched the room for her phantom booze.
Izuku sighed. "He's not, but we have to go back to class now. Come on."
"What if I don't want to?" Aqua harrumphed. "Aizawa was super mean to me, sending me after things that don't exist!"
"Why did he do that?" Mei asked curiously.
"Well, he gave us our class schedules, and I told him that we didn't have nearly enough creative classes. Math, Science? Those are boring! Young developing minds need art classes! Like painting, sculpture, pottery, and music! He told me that art had nothing to do with being a hero, so I drew a picture of him as an ugly troll and told him that was what was going to happen to us if we didn't take art classes. And then he sent me to go find the left handed screwdriver and headlight fluid."
Aqua dug a piece of paper out of her pocket, unfolding it to display for all to see. It was a rather striking portrait done in pencil of a man that was unmistakably Aizawa, but with his features ever so slightly distorted so that he went from unkempt to hideous.
"Wow, that's a really good drawing," Mei laughed. "It looks just like Mr. Aizawa!"
"Hmm, may I see that?" Nezu asked, extending a paw.
"Oh my gosh! You are so cute!" Aqua cooed, petting Nezu on the head. "I didn't know this world had talking animals! What other races are there?"
"Aqua, that's the principal, Nezu," Izuku whispered. "You should be more polite."
"Huh?" Aqua said, giving Izuku a vacuuous look. "But he's so little."
"While I accept the compliment, I will let you know that under any other circumstance I would respond to treatment like this quite violently, and then expel you!" Nezu said in a jolly tone. "But since it's your first day in this world as a mortal human, I'm going to make an exception. Go back to class, young lady."
Tears welled up in Aqua's eyes, and her lip trembled, but she stood and bowed, presenting the drawing to Nezu who accepted it. "I am very sorry," she whispered, then turned for the door. "Come on. I'm just a dumb, human girl."
Aqua forgot her tears quickly enough, joining in with Mei as she began to hum as they walked through the halls. Soon, Aqua and Mei were both skipping along to their improvised melody. Izuku couldn't help but be slightly jealous of Aqua: despite her faults, she seemed to bounce back to a positive attitude fairly quickly. Maybe ignorance really was bliss.
When they arrived, Aizawa glared at them. "Finally decided to rejoin us, did you? Did you figure it out?"
"Yes, you're a big-"
Mei whispered something in Aqua's ear, and she changed what she had been going to say. "-nice teacher, who is trying to help me learn. I am very sorry and I will do better next time."
Then Aqua bowed.
"Sorry sir, the principal and All Might pulled us in for a conference," Izuku explained with a bow of his own, handing the note to Aizawa.
"All Might? Nezu? What on earth were he and-" Aizawa's eyes raced over the note, and he blinked. Then he looked up at Izuku, eyes narrowing. Then his eyes shifted around the room, falling on each student in turn. "… hmm. This changes things. Take a seat."
Izuku took his seat, and Kazuma sniggered. "How long did it take her?"
"Huh?" Izuku whispered as Aizawa went to the board and began writing.
"How long did it take Aqua to realize there's no such thing as a left handed screwdriver or headlight fluid? That's one of the oldest pranks in the book," Kazuma chuckled.
"What?! You knew! You stupid NEET!" Aqua snarled, reaching out to smack Kazuma with her rolled up notebook.
"Special circumstances aside, misbehavior will still be punished," Aizawa spoke out, his back to the class as he wrote on the board.
Izuku glanced up, then did a double take.
"Um, sir?" Iida asked, his voice shaking as sweat beaded on his forehead. "Er, what is that?"
Aizawa turned around, having drawn several globes with rough continents on them, two clocks and calendars, and a set of characters that read; Multiverse Theory and Time Travel.
"So," Aizawa said, a wide, unsettling grin on his face. "Who wants to explain to me why my quirk didn't work on Megumin earlier?"
"Oh shit," Kirishima groaned.
"Damnation," Todoroki growled. "We were not perfectly prepared for this. Momo, what's our contingency plan?"
"Well, I could try a Dominate Mind spell and try to alter his memories, but I really don't think that's a good idea, and I'm not really certain Mr. Aizawa is our enemy," Yaoyorozu said reluctantly.
"We could fight our way out!" Kaminari suggested. "We can take him!"
"That's your solution to everything," Iida sighed. "And do you really think if we beat Mr. Aizawa that would solve anything?"
"Yeah, and like the rest of us would just sit here while you go to town on teach," Bakugo laughed. "Crap, you figure it out, or did the nerd tattle on us?"
"Actually, Midoriya handed me a note that simply had a code phrase that indicated a paranormal event had taken place, one that could involve either an alteration to reality, or the intersection of a seperate one." Aizawa explained, starting to pace back and forth at the front of the room, eyes never leaving the view of his students. "It could have simply been a reality bending quirk, those have emerged before. But a few things didn't add up. For one thing, Ms. Fukuado, who you may know as Ms. Joke, has told me many times she dislikes UA and our elitist attitude. I recall her telling me that as recently as this spring. And yet, here she was, a newly hired teacher at UA. She herself was somewhat confused as to her state of mind when we had lunch together."
"Secondly, you all behave more comfortably around one another than you should for a group of students who should, by and large, not know each other barring a few exceptions. Several of you even behave like couples, and not simply awkward teens who are just beginning a relationship, but people who have known one another for some time and are quite comfortable."
"Why do you give a damn if we're dating? There some sort of school policy against that?" Kazuma demanded. "That'd be real stupid. We're teenagers. We get horny sometimes."
"And then there's your attitudes towards me," Aizawa continued over Kazuma's remarks. "The vast majority of my students are at least a little intimidated on their first day of highschool. Even those that are not treat me with a certain degree of respect as a teacher and pro hero, mostly because they know if they push too far they could prematurely end the career they had been training years for. Right now, most of you seem to view me as somewhere between a peer and a mentor, but not someone with a great deal more experience than you."
"Like to know how many demon kings you've beaten up," Aqua muttered, then squeaked as Darkness kicked her chair.
Aizawa's eyes narrowed slightly, but he pressed on, noting the complaint. "Then of course there's the fact that I attempted to cancel out Megumin's quirk when I realized she was going to do something phenominally stupid and egrigous both for the simple task of hurling a ball as far as she could, as well as at the risk of nearly everyone around her possibly unprepared. And yet, she was able to easily use said ability, even though I was preventing the use of quirks with my own."
"That is because Explosion magic is the most powerful magic, and I have invested more skill points into it than any other! No simple spell can prevent me from using Explosion, for I have made it so Silence, Counter Spell, and even Magic Nullification cannot interfere with my unleashing of my beloved Explosions!" Megumin proclaimed unabashedly proud. Then she tried to jump up on top of her desk to continue, only to let out a cry and topple over as her desk crashed to the floor.
"Levitate," Uraraka sighed, pointing at Megumin just before she face planted. The other girl flailed her arms frantically in the air, spinning slowly around.
"Megumin, if he wasn't suspicious of you before, he knows something is wrong with you now," Tokoyami sighed. "Dark Shadow, please set her down gently."
"You should learn to shut up!" Dark Shadow squawked, grabbing Megumin and setting her back on the ground.
Uraraka canceled her spell, and turned back to Mr. Aizawa. "So, before any of my friends shoot their mouths off again and ruin everything, why don't you tell us what you think is happening?"
"I don't exactly know," Aizawa said slowly, looking around the room. "But if I had to guess, several of you have been displaced in time and space, and seem to come from a world where there are no quirks, but rather some sort of magic. The most obvious are Bakugo and Megumin."
"Ha! Shows what you know, teach! I was born here in Japan, and I DO have a quirk!" Bakugo laughed, holding up a hand and lighting off some sparks with a loud crackling sound.
Aizawa's eyes suddenly glowed and his hair rose around his face, and the pops and crackles on Bakugo's hand susided.
Though, that could have been because Iris slammed the flat of her blade down on the back of Bakugo's head.
"Katsuki! You will respect our teacher! We are here to be trained as heroes! He is clearly a great man, you spoke of him with respect before! Now show the same courtesy I know you are capable of!" Iris lectured.
"FUCK OFF WITH THAT!" Bakugo snarled, spinning around in his seat and a hand rubbing what was sure to be a knot. "DAMMIT WOMAN, YOU'RE NOT THE BITCH QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE HERE, HAVEN'T YOU FIGURED THAT OUT?!"
"No, but I am still perfectly capable of beating you into submission, Katsuki," Iris sniffed. "Now behave. I will not tolerate such behavior from my intended."
"Alright, stop the train right the fuck there!" Bakugo snarled, standing up, his hands twitching. "What is with this 'intended' BS? What the fuck is going on! Like, we were close before, I even sort of liked you, but now-"
"Mr. Iida, if you would, please?" Iris asked.
"Silence," Iida said, and Bakugo immediately subsided.
"Hold Person," Yaoyorozu added, and Bakugo toppled over on the floor, twitching.
"Mr. Aizawa, I believe you had some questions for us?" Iris said, folding her hands atop her desk and smiling. "I would be delighted to answer any and all inquiries."
"Um, Iris, is this a good idea?" Eris asked nervously. "We were supposed to keep a low profile…"
"I agreed to come to this world to receive the training I would need to free Belzerg once and for all. Though we defeated the Tomb's general Demiurge, I hold no illusions that Nazarick is driven back," Iris said, her tone grim. "Here I will need allies, to raise an army that I might return and reclaim my throne. You swore to aid me in that, Lady Eris, can I not count on the word of a goddess? Perhaps I should turn to the Axis Cult in this matter."
Aqua perked up, looking eager, but then suddenly put her head on her desk and started crying. Tears flooded Eris' eyes as well.
"Perhaps you should simply call me Chris, now," Eris mumbled. "I am a simple mortal once more. A thief, not a goddess. But… but I'll do all I can to help you, Iris. I did give my word, and you are my friend."
"Me too!" Yunyun said quickly. "We'll all help Lady Iris, right Megumin?!"
"Why should I help the woman who keeps trying to steal my man?" Megumin muttered, glaring at Kazuma.
Kazuma put his hands before himself and shook them. "Hey, woah, slow down, we were talking about Aizawa, not me! Besides, you know how I feel about that, no need to turn into a jealous shrew."
"Shrew?! Shrew?! Why I ought to-MmmPH!"
"I apologize, my queen," Darkness said, her arms locked around Megumin and Kazuma's mouths as they struggled frantically. "I will ensure that my companions behave themselves. Please, continue."
"Thank you, Lady Dustiness. It is good to know my father's old allies shall be at my side once more," Iris said sweetly. Then she giggled and waggled a finger at Kazuma. "Now Big Bro, behave yourself! Is this any example to set for your little sister?"
Kazuma stopped struggling, then rolled his eyes and shook his head. Darkness set him and Megumin back down, giving both of them a stern glare before going back to her own seat.
"Well," Aizawa deadpanned. "I thought I'd been given a bunch of chuni lunatics for a class. It seems there is a much worse type of madness here."
"I do not have chuni disease!" Megumin snapped. "I am merely a proud member of the Crimson Demon Clan! I refuse to allow my culture to be mocked in such a manner!"
"Megumin, just stop, our clan's ways were embarrassing enough back in Belzerg," Yunyun groaned, trying to hide her face in her hands. "Don't you know the saying? 'When in Elroad, do as they do.'"
Megumin glared daggers at Yunyun, but managed to shut up for once.
"So, I take it you actually think you're some sort of lost queen from a far away kingdom who seeks to reclaim her throne?" Aizawa asked, leaning back against his desk. "Have you managed to convince all these people to share in your delusion or-"
With a sudden blast, Bakugo leapt to his feet, breaking the spells as his axe swept into his hands in a storm of fire. Smoke billowed from the heavy double headed blade, and he panted, his eyes glowing red as a menacing aura surrounded him, dark smoke seeming to form a great pair of wings at his back.
"She's the real fuckin' deal," Bakguo growled. "And if you want to talk shit about Queen Iris, you gotta answer to me, understand? Because I AM the shield of Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, and I will fuck up anyone who disrespects her majesty. Even you, teach. So are we going to have a problem, or not?"
Aizawa regarded Bakugo calmly. "Why don't you take a seat. It seems we have a great deal to discuss. But in my classroom, you're my students, and I am the teacher. Continued disrespect will result in expulsion. Are we clear on that, Bakugo?"
The flames and smoke vanished, and Bakugo lowered the axe. He grinned in his usual manic fashion, but it was less of a threat than it had been. "Yes, sir. But what I said stands too. I died once to protect Iris' honor. Getting expelled is a damn walk in the park in comparison."
With that, Bakugo sat back in his seat, setting his axe beside his chair. Izuku eyed his friend with concern. Something was very different about Bakugo. And what was this about him dying?
"Alright then. So, Iris, you are the Queen in Exile of this place called Belzerg?" Aizawa asked.
"Yes. I shall tell a bit of my tale, for I know that my Big Bro and his friends had perished for some of it." Iris took a deep breath. "It started more than 200 years ago, when Kazuma's party was slain by the Lord of the Tomb's forces…"
Notes
Authors Note:
Hey, you know that bullshit trope where people try to keep secrets from the authorities who could have helped them out? Yeah, we're not doing that here. Izuku's too trusting in All Might (for a damn good reason) and Kazuma and co are either too dumb or don't give enough of a crap to keep secrets. Plus, it's funner if Aizawa knows.
I've decided we're going to hold off on the Belzerg arc until after everyone settles in to their new reality. After that, we'll do the seven flashback chapters that deal with Demiurge vs. Team Bakugo and the Heroes of the Soviet Yunyun.
Editors note:
Yo, Evil Within here. Gotta admit, there's a lot of shit that changes now, some for the better, others for worse. One way or the other, someone's gonna get their teeth kicked in. What fun, amiright?
Chapter 22: Divinity Ain't What it Used to Be[img: . ]
Divinity Ain't What it Used to Be
In all the belief systems I've tried in life I never considered the creator of my universe can be kind of a couch potato.
-Carol, Guilded Age
Shota Aizawa had a problem. Well, to be more accurate, he had twenty problems, but one of his more mundane ones had just walked into the meeting room.
"Wow, what a crazy day!" Fukukado laughed as she entered the room. "Did your class drive you half as nuts as mine did?"
"I'd like to promise I have yours beat," Aizawa said dryly. "But I'll wait for Nezu to get here as I don't feel like repeating myself."
"Ah, come on! You never minded gossiping about your students before during our little 'get togethers'." Fukukado teased.
"No, I presented challenges I was facing in meeting my students' needs. You just read that as juicy gossip details." Aizawa retorted.
Fukukado sighed, slumping into a chair sideways. "That's because they're kids, Shota. Those little personal details are how you connect with them, help them grow as people, and not to mention give nods to whatever 'secrets' they think they're carting around. But Jesus Christ do I have some bundles of issues in my room."
"I do recall Mineta had reports of sexual misconduct in his file, did he cause you any serious issues?" Aizawa growled. He really tried not to get angry, but sexual harassment was never something he tolerated in any circumstance. That the attention could be directed to his close friend just made it worse, because she was a valued and respected colleague. Or something like that.
"You know, it was actually the darndest thing. He went up to several of the girls and apologized to them before class. If I didn't have access to their files, I also would have sworn half these kids had already been together for months beforehand." Fukukado said, lowering her voice. "And the other half! Shota, this is going to sound crazy, but they've definitely got some foreign or off the record connections or something. They don't act Japanese at all, and seemed surprised by cultural norms even though they tried to hide it. Also, it seemed like Mineta and Subaru have serious PTSD issues if how they reacted to my surprising them is any indication. It's… It's like those kids just got plucked out of a warzone or something, and we're working off outdated information."
Aizawa's eyes twitched. "You don't say."
"You're hiding something," Fukukado immediately pointed, frowning. "Ugh, would it kill you to just talk to me for once? Come on, this is serious shit here. Tell you what, I'll even sweeten the deal, we go for a date after work, get a couple of drinks, and-"
"No."
"Ha! Your face! Ha, seriously though, if this is anywhere near as serious as I think it will be, we ARE going to need a drink or something." Fukukado half-snickered even as she centered herself a little as Kan entered.
He paused, eyeing the joker for a moment, then the two of them together, then the Blood King drew out a flask and tossed it to her. "I don't normally condone drinking on the job… but, shit. After today we all need it."
Popping the cork, Fukukado sniffed, then raised an eyebrow. "You brought vodka to school? Wow, didn't think you UA teachers would be the type." Then she took a long swallow, letting out a satisfied sigh and smacking her lips. "God, that hits the spot."
"Pass it here," Aizawa said, holding his hand out.
Kan did a double take. "Wait, seriously? I thought you'd be the first in line to try and chew me out for taking to the bottle."
"Most things are fine in moderation, and some situations call for some kind of relief." Aizawa said, taking a long swig, swallowing, then taking another, quicker sip. "I have a feeling we're all dealing with fallouts of one kind or another. In mine it just happens to also be literal."
"Oh, I don't know, do you have Ayn Rand's biggest fanboy and his two sex slaves in your class?" Kan grumbled, swiping back the flask before it was drained.
"Ha, you're kidding me!" Fukukado laughed. Kan just took a long drink from his flask, his eyes staring ahead at a blank section of the wall as he settled back in his chair. "Oh, crap, you're not. Is, uh… it consenting? Fuck, I need more detail than that. Alright, you have got to spill next, Aizawa. I need the crazy front and center before I forget. What's the issue in your group? I know you've got that one kid who breaks his bones whenever he uses his quirk. Surprised I didn't hear anything about you expelling him already."
Shaking his head, Aizawa tried to clear his head from the alcohol. "Frankly, Midoriya might be one of the more well adjusted ones in my class. And possibly married."
"Oh, good, it wasn't just me with the over sexed weirdos. Seriously, Tanuki? Not even subtle with a name like that, you just know they're gonna be a horny bastard. I know these are teens but this is ridiculous," Kan grumbled. "I swear, it seems like half my class is draping themselves all over one another, and it's the first day! You'd think they were already together forever."
"Right? What the hell is up with that? They're 15, for crying out loud. I was horny when I was that age, still am, but I wasn't THAT bad," Fukukado complained. "So, who's Midoriya think he's hitched to? Let me guess, it's that girl with the goggles. I saw them running off together. Probably a good idea to keep an eye on them."
"Young Midoriya will be my responsibility, actually."
Aizawa closed his eyes and barely stifled a groan. Of course. He was here. He admired the man. Looked up to him. Hell, he'd become a hero to be like him. But he had literally never taught before, nor seemed to be trying to gain any teaching ability since it had been decided he'd head a major course. What was he even doing here? At least Fukukado took her job seriously, and was a competent enough teacher even if she was too touchy feely for Aizawa's tastes. Still, Aizawa had to give All Might a chance, if for no other reason than his wealth of experience made him a valuable asset and training tool.
"Hello everyone!" Nezu said cheerily, hopping up into his elevated chair from All Might's shoulder as the man himself took a seat. "We'll have a larger meeting later, but for the moment I wanted to talk to the three of you first. You all have a… let's call them, unique, class roster this year."
"Really?" Kan asked, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "You don't say? Aizawa told you it was a damn mistake to let in so many students with recommendations, and dammit, this time I'm agreeing with him! I'm not one to expel kids on the first day like he does, but I was this close to it! Multiple times! These kids are insane!"
"Well, you may have a few things you're not used to dealing with, but we will have to adjust." Nezu attempted to calm. "I'm sure our students' talents will one day make them valuable assets."
"Can you say that with certainty? Because I have a student who's seemingly half a step away from villainy already." Aizawa growled, his tone growing more hysterical by the second. "I almost think I need to be committed after today! Half my class is a bunch of chunibyo lunatics, with the collective power to blow up an entire mountain and the other half believes they've spent the last year in a fantasy realm and that they're the damn knights of the round table! And that doesn't even account for the two that think they're literal former deities!"
By the end of it, Kukuado and Kan were staring at Aizawa with open mouths, as he'd been shouting and frantic by the end of it. .
"Ok, you win," Fukukado nodded slowly, throwing up her hands. "I knew I never should have come to work for UA! How you talked me into it, Aizawa, I'll never know!"
"What? I never talked you into it!" Aizawa protested. "I remember telling Nezu you were a good teacher and a competent hero, even if you did annoy me to the bone, but I never would have tried to get you to come here."
"What? You practically begged me to apply! The only reason I did was because you finally said you might feel something for me!" Fukukado cried in indignation. "And now you're acting like you don't even want to see me! Stop being such a damn tsundere and stick to your usual cold self instead of giving a woman hope if you're just gonna deny it happening!"
"I did no such thing! I've never encouraged you, no matter how much I wanted to!" Aizawa snapped. Then blinked. Perhaps that liquor was hitting him a little harder than he thought. Or he really was going insane.
"Fukukado, Aizawa, focus. Tell me, exactly, what you remember about the hiring process this year." Nezu demanded with a quick chop of his paw, bringing their focus back. "Because I distinctly remember Aizawa and Kan talking me into expending the hero program, with All Might suggesting we hire Ms. Joke as our third teacher."
"Wait, really? You've heard about me?" Fukukado said, blushing and looking furtively at All Might.
The big man rubbed the back of his head semi-sheepishly. "Well, I recall that you were a bright young hero at one point, I did try to keep tabs on everyone, and we have spoken professionally once or twice, but once you retired into teaching I lost track to be frank."
After several minutes, everyone laid out their memories, each one conflicting, some in subtle ways, others vastly so.
"How do we all have different memories of the hero program expanding?" Kan demanded, looking baffled. "Did someone use a memory altering quirk on us?"
"Does this have something to do with the note you sent me, Nezu?" Aizawa asked, frowning. "Because I'd honestly half forgotten about that after what my students told me."
"Midoriya," All Might groaned, resting his head in his hands. "He does need to learn to be more discreet. I understand why he told Hatsume, but his entire class…"
"Oh no, I realized something was wrong before Nezu sent the note. Like the fact that I was unable to prevent one of my students from blowing up half the baseball field. That has to be repaired and refilled now." Aizawa groused.
"What, you couldn't stop some kid's Quirk?" Fukukado asked, looking worried. "I knew you'd probably gotten rusty as a teacher, but it's that bad?"
"No, my quirk is still fully functional. My student claimed to be using magic, and frankly, I'm starting to care less and less if she's right. Did I mention before that all my students claim to have been trapped in a fantasy world and had to defeat someone called the Lord of the Tomb and his minions? Because it seems to be gaining credence the more I consider it. Or the drunker I am. Probably both." Aizawa said.
"Oh." All Might looked to Nezu, who nodded. "Um, we have reason to believe that a good chunk of our students aren't from our reality at all, and that the rest spent an unknown amount of time in another world."
Fukukado burst out laughing. "Ha! And here I thought I was the jokester here, All Might! Wow, you and Aizawa really had me going there for a second! You're both..such… jokesters… oh. OH. ohmygod you aren't laughing, why aren't you laughing!… You're not kidding, are you."
"Not even slightly," Nezu said grimly. "All Might has good reasons to trust Midoriya, who came to him directly and explained that he is from either an alternate future or timeline, and afterward spent several months in another world. He then returned to our reality, three months before he left."
"You're just going to take his word for it?" Kan asked, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm surprised."
"Have you noticed anything different about me?" All Might asked quietly.
Fukukado frowned, then her eyes went wide. "You're in your muscular form! I thought that was super taxing for you, why would you waste time in a meeting like that?"
Slowly, carefully, All Might unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his side. Or rather, the lack of something there. Aizawa sucked in a sharp breath. "Your injury. It's gone."
"Aqua healed me completely. Not even the strongest healing quirks I had scouted or sought help from from across the world could repair the entirety of the damage." All Might said as he redid his shirt. "But she did. Within minutes. Midoriya says she was a literal deity, and both he and Hatsume stated they've seen her raise the dead. She also… well, you all knew I was weakening. The truth was, my quirk was… failing. Faltering. Burning out. I feared that within a year I would lose access to it completely. You know such things have happened in the past."
Kan looked sick. "All For One. It was him, wasn't it. Normally he just took quirks, but if he had the chance…"
"Yes. But we need not fear. My quirk is restored. It's not as powerful as it was in my prime, but it's stronger than it has been in years, and I no longer feel it weakening." All Might explained, before hesitating. "And… there is another matter that should be discussed."
"You came here to find a replacement, didn't you," Aizawa immediately guessed. "I had my suspicions. Especially when you once said your quirk was called One For All. Can you do something with it, similar to what All For One could?"
"Yeah, OK, gift that keeps on giving or some shit probably, whatever, but did you just say we had GOD walking through our halls? And I also need you to clarify if we're talking uppercase 'G' God or lowercase 'g' god, because I really feel like that's important," Fukukado interrupted.
"If she's a deity, I'm becoming an atheist," Aizawa stated flatly.
Kan eyed him past his sadly empty flask. "You were already an atheist."
"Yes, but now, I will be forever devoted to the idea that there is a god, or multiple, they flat out don't deserve our worship, because that girl wasted no time in proving herself dumber than a bag of bricks." Aizawa snapped, stabbing a finger at the table.
"Midoriya indicated she was a healing goddess with a domain in the arts as well as water," Nezu said. "And as far as I can tell, there are two deities in your class. As for the others, well, we have to find out."
"If Naofumi's a god I am finding every copy of Atlas Shrugged and the Fountainhead I can find and burning them with extreme prejudice." Kan swore. "I remember being a jackass when I was a teen, but that boy has more in common with a rabid dog."
"We know the least regarding the status of the students in your class so far," Nezu admitted. "So far as I'm aware, I only have ready information on those in Aizawa's class, namely Sato Kazuma, Aqua Mizu, Megumin Bakuretsu, and Lalatina Ford Dustiness, aka Darkness."
"More pressing is that there is a very real chance that all our students really did clash with this Lord of the Tomb, especially given the evidence at hand," All Might stated gravely. "From what Midoriya told us, there is, or was, an evil overlord who has been systematically invading other universes and subjugating them."
"Alongside slaughtering their human populations, according to Belzerg, my misplaced royalty," Aizawa added, rubbing his forehead. "I was really hoping that was a delusion on their part for that reason alone."
"Perhaps it is, but exaggeration or no, right now, we have very real evidence that there is a serious existential threat out there, and that our world may very well be next on his list, or targeted in the future." Nezu nodded grimly "We'll be talking to the rest of our staff and bringing them up to speed with what we know, alerting higher branches in the Hero Commision as needed to ensure signs are watched world-wide. As for us, er will be interviewing each of the students in the first year hero course."
"I'll be going to my contacts in the government, as well as a few pro heroes I know I can trust. I've already contacted Sir Nighteye, he'll be coming in to help do readings on the students to verify these claims." All Might said. "As well as give us an idea of what sort of threats we, or they, can expect."
"So what about the rest of us?" Fukukado asked. "Look, I was a pro for a while and I've been teaching for nearly as long, but this is way the hell above my paygrade. This is so absurd I can't even think of a joke without getting into surrealism territory! How the heck are we supposed to teach gods and aliens?!"
"The same way we do every other kid I guess, even a bit easier if their standards are as low as I can guess." Aizawa sighed. "Once I calmed them down they did seem to all want to learn how to be heroes, or at least better fighters. The real trick will be pounding the meaning of heroism into them, I think."
"For now, we're going to play this close to our chests. I don't want the media getting a hold of this and it turning into a circus," Nezu agreed. "For all their supposed experience, they do seem to still, by and large, be young adults or teens who are in desperate need of molding. I trust you three are still up to the task?"
"I'll beat the objectivist bullshit out of them if I have to," Kan swore. "A real hero isn't a self interested asshole."
"Well, if these kids have been through as much shit as I think they have, someone needs to at least try and teach them how to smile again. Count me in too." Fukukado nodded, giving Nezu a thumbs up.
Aizawa shrugged. "I haven't run screaming for the hills just yet. If having Togata, Hado, and Amajiki in my class couldn't break me, neither will these kids. What is it with the blue haired bimbos…"
"Thank you all. I know this is going to push us all to our limits as educators, so I'm counting on you to all Go Beyond."
"Plus Ultra?" Fukukado said, her tone questioning.
"Plus Ultra," Kan and Aizawa echoed, both sounding tired.
"I'll let you all know of any further developments immediately," All Might said, standing. "I'll need to go speak with Sir Nighteye straight away. Hopefully he can offer some guidance."
With that, the meeting broke up, with Kan heading home to his family, and Aizawa and Fukukado alone.
Fukukado grinned at Aizawa. "Hey, I know what we should do, we should go on a date! A few more drinks would make this whole thing make more sense, don't you think?"
Aizawa considered that. "When you put it like that… Fine. At least then you'll also stop bothering me."
"Yeah yeah, see you tomorrow you-wait, did you just say yes?" Fukukado began to wave goodbye, before halting in her tracks.
"I just found out that god's real, and she's an idiot. I think getting plastered is about the right response," Aizawa stated.
Fukukado considered that, then shrugged. "Eh, I'll take what I can get. So, where are the good bars around here?"
"Do you seriously think I know much about the local nightlife?" Aizawa asked. "You pick one. I don't care."
"Ha! Just like the good ole days, back when we were lovers, patrolling the city together…"
"We were never lovers."
"Oh you kidder! I know you've got a burning flame of passion in your heart. Come on, let's find a karaoke place! It'll be fun!"
"I would literally rather die."
"Pff, after today, don't tempt me. Eh, come on, I think there's a dive bar not too far away. Smile, Aizawa! How many people get to say they're god's teacher?"
"Tell you what, I'll trade you classes. Then you can deal with them."
Author's Note
We've got a few more chapters before actual flashback time, but the characters are talking to one another at least.
Chapter 23: Dine In, Taken Out[img: . ]
Dine In, Taken Out
Izuku: I think we forgot something.
Mei: If you forgot it, it probably wasn't that important.
Izuku: Yeah, you're right.
"Right, I'm officially calling the first meeting of the Order of Belzerg to order," Kazuma declared, rapping his spoon on his glass. They were all sitting around a table at a dinner not far from UA, their first day of school having ended.
"Wait, why are we here?" Tokoyami asked, frowning. "I'm not from Belzerg. Neither is Uraraka."
"Um, yeah, what exactly is this about, Kazuma?" Uraraka agreed. "And shouldn't all those kids from your world be here too?"
"Eris told me she was too busy to participate in my 'shenanigans,'" Aqua grumbled as she grabbed a handful of fries to shove into her mouth.
"Hey, careful with those! Tokoyami and I are paying for them!" Uraraka snapped, trying to reach over to make Aqua put some back.
"Relax, let them eat. I have sufficient funds," Tokoyami said, taking out his wallet and withdrawing more of the strange yen bills on them. Why did they have a picture of their teacher All Might on the 1,000 yen bill? That was pretty weird in Kazuma's opinion.
"Yes, we need to keep up our strength! And Yunyun said she was going on a date with Sero," Megumin said, grabbing a handful of fries herself and biting into them one at a time.
"But then why isn't Iris here?" Tokoyami asked. "Isn't she the queen or something?"
"Yes, I was wondering why you did not invite her, or Sir Bakugo, Kazuma," Darkness said. She wasn't indulging in the greasy fries, instead having got a bowl of pork cutlets and rice, claiming she needed the protein. "Still, I am impressed you are taking such an active interest in reclaiming Belzerg."
"What?" Kazuma asked. He shook his head. "No! I don't care about that. This is about breaking Iris up with that asshole!"
"Right, I'm leaving," Uraraka said and stood up. "I am so not indulging your juvenile fantasies, Kazuma."
"I'll make you a free lunch every day for the rest of the trimester," Kazuma offered.
Uraraka zipped back into her seat, a wide grin on her face. "Well, I never liked Bakugo anyway, and Iris seems really sweet! Of course we have to break them up, they're terrible for one another!"
"You barely know either of them," Tokoyami said, an amused expression on his face. "Bakugo seems to have changed much during his time in Belzerg."
"Kazuma! This is scandalous!" Darkness hissed. "Iris is our queen! It is our duty to support her! If she has chosen Sir Bakugo as her First Prince of the Sword, then we should do all we can to aid both of them!"
"Yeah, and have you met the asshole? Do you really see him as being good for Iris? I thought the Dustiness family was supposed to be the Crown's most loyal vassal! Are you really going to let Iris shack up with Bakugo!? Just imagine what he'd do to our sweet, tender queen! Just the thought of my little sister with him makes my blood boil!" Kazuma snarled.
Darkness hesitated. "I do not know. She seems fond of him, and from her tale, he was her strongest supporter."
"Yeah, because he thinks he's going to tap that ass! Well I for one, am not going to stand for it! My little sister deserves better!" Kazuma declared, stabbing the table with his index finger.
"Aren't you from Japan?" Tokoyami asked. "How, exactly, is the queen of a foreign nation from another world your little sister?"
Kazuma folded his arms over his chest. "She's adopted."
"Kazuma used to think he was going to become a harem anime protagonist," Megumin confided. "He thought I was the tsundere, Darkness was the onee-chan, Aqua was the bimbo, and Iris was the imoto character."
"What?! I thought no such thing!" Kazuma protested, his face going scarlet.
Uraraka, however, burst out laughing. "Oh, of course he did! Oh my God, no wonder the baroness tried to offer you two maids! Haha, you're such a perverted dork, Kazuma!"
"Hey, why was I the bimbo?" Aqua demanded, a bit of fry dangling from her chin. "Obviously, I should be the super talented, angelically beautiful girl!"
"Sorry, I meant the bakka kami," Megumin said, keeping her face perfectly straight.
"That's better!" Aqua agreed, grabbing her soda and slurping it down. She let out a loud belch. "Man, this stuff is great! Tokoyami, give me more money for fries, and a milkshake!"
"Fine, but you're going to have to get your own next time," Tokoyami said, handing Aqua a few bills. She hurried off to stand in line, and the table burst out in sniggers once she had left.
"I guess she really is the idiot goddess," Kazuma chuckled. Then he turned serious. "We really do need to break Iris and Bakugo up though. I've seen his type before, and Midoriya told me about him. He's a bully, a braggart, and he's got a hair trigger temper. That is not the sort of man for my little sister. She deserves better."
"Who did you have in mind?" Megumin demanded, her eyes narrowing at Kazuma.
"Well not ME, obviously. I dunno, we'll figure something out, someone strong, and nice, and deserving of my little sister. Just, you know, not Mister Angry Eyes."
"Kazuma, are you certain? Meddling in royal affairs is a dangerous game," Darkness said, sounding and looking concerned. "Belzerg was not well known for its court intrigue; we were too often under assault from one or another Devil King, for they always seemed drawn to our nation. But even among the nobles of Belzerg, playing politics was a hazardous affair."
"Right, so, you know all this noble stuff. How do we break them up?" Kazuma demanded.
Darkness considered that. "Well, a formal challenge could be issued to Bakugo for the right to be Iris's Shield. We cannot interfere in her selection of the First Prince of the Sword directly, for it is the queen's right to choose her consort."
"Formal challenge? To a fight?" Kazuma asked, his heart sinking. He was a lot of things, and Bakugo was a few choice words, but one thing Kazuma knew was that there was no way in hell that he could take Bakugo in a fair fight. Sure, he could probably figure out how to beat him if he set things up right, but in a duel? Not a chance.
"Well, then clearly, I should challenge him to a battle of Explosions!" Megumin declared. "I have seen his, and they are weak and inferior! I am the one worthy of the title of greatest of Explosion Mages!"
"That would… Megumin, you are not well suited to being a Shield, do you not agree?" Darkness asked. When Megumin nodded, Darkness took a deep breath. "This is something I should have done regardless. It is traditional for the Shield to be tested by several of the court nobles, including the Dustiness family. I shall issue a formal challenge on the morrow. Come, Tokoyami. We must train."
"Now?" Tokoyami asked, surprised. "Where exactly can we do that, Darkness? I can't use Dark Shadow in public, and the school is closed."
That got Kazuma's attention. "What do you mean, you can't use Dark Shadow in public?"
"He means that-" Dark Shadow began, but Tokoyami shone a flashlight on the manifestation, which whined and went back to hiding under the table quietly.
"Using quirks in public is illegal, unless you're a pro hero. Don't you guys-oh man, you don't know that, do you?" Uraraka asked.
"You mean, we can't use magic in public?" Kazuma asked. "Why not? It was never an issue before."
Tokoyami shrugged. "Quirks can be dangerous. Dark Shadow is not the only hazardous one by any means. From gigantification quirks which can cause serious property damage, to creating panic when someone uses a flashy one. I have a little leeway, however. Here."
Tokoyami withdrew something from his wallet, and passed it to Kazuma. He and Megumin studied the card. "Fumikage Tokoyami, Quirk, Dark Shadow. Semi sentient manifestation of his shadow. Can speak and act independently. Unstable in darkness, more prone to erratic behavior."
"If Dark Shadow misbehaves, I may get off with only a warning," Tokoyami said, taking the card back. "However, if I am not cautious, I could be issued a citation or even arrested. It hasn't happened in some years, but it is why I tend to stay indoors after sundown."
"But, then how shall we train?" Darkness asked, looking mortified. "How shall we make love?"
"Um, yes. About that. Er, here, I still live with my parents," Tokoyami said, looking down. "I am still a youth, by my world's reckoning."
"Yeah, where are you guys staying?" Uraraka asked, sounding worried. "I mean, maybe I can find a way for some of you to stay with me, and Kazuma could stay with Tokoyami, but-"
"Eh, don't worry about it, we woke up in an apartment not too far from here," Kazuma said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Smitty said it's ours and stuff. We can live off the rations I create for a while, so I'm not worried about that."
"Also we have top of the line gaming PCs," Megumin added. "Smith said they were our reward for a job well done."
"Yeah, which is why we should have just stayed home," Kazuma complained. "Well, anyway, hopefully that challenge thing can sort out Bakugo. I'll talk to Iris and-"
There was a commotion behind them, and Kazuma heard a familiar wail. He groaned and turned to see Aqua being accosted by a tough looking man in odd clothing; an open vest and what looked like metal arm bands and a headband with caution symbols on it. Aqua was crying, and the man had her arms pinned to her side with one massive hand, her milkshake and fries spilled on the ground. Behind Aqua, a little girl and boy were clinging to one another, looking frightened.
Kazuma didn't think when he saw Aqua hurt and in trouble, he just reacted. He extended his hand towards the man and shouted; "Bind!"
Coils of thick rope shot out of Kazuma's hand, wrapping themselves tightly around the man and forcing him to let Aqua go. She stumbled away, and people started to scream and shout in panic.
"Kazuma!" Uraraka gasped. "Don't, that's-"
"What the hell are you doing!?" the man bellowed, his muscles flexing. He ripped free of the ropes with a snarl and charged Kazuma, one hand raised in anger.
He didn't get far. Darkness threw the table at the man's head, which he batted aside, only for her to slam her fists into him. He grunted in pain, stumbling back. "Dammit, what are you even doing?!"
"You shall not assault my friends!" Darkness snapped, holding her hand to the side and summoning her sword. "Back off, you brute!"
"Oh fuck this. Woods! Little help here!" the burly brute shouted.
Vines and tendrils suddenly sprang up out of the ground, wrapping Darkness in them tightly. A man who appeared to be made out of bark and wood stepped into the cafe, which was rapidly being emptied. "I have her and the other one, Death Arms."
Kazuma saw Aqua now bound up in vines as well, struggling helplessly to free herself.
"On me!" Kazuma roared, pulling Chunchumaru from the void and leaping towards Darkness, sword raised.
"Oh no," Uraraka groaned, but she fell in with Kazuma regardless.
"FIGHT!" Dark Shadow screamed, and Tokoyami bellowed in rage, rushing to attack the burly man at Kazuma's side.
"They're too close! I can't use Explosion!" Megumin called, stepping back from the action
"What the hell is wrong with you kids?" Death Arms snarled, and aimed a punch for Kazuma's chest. He dodged to the side, allowing Uraraka to slap the brawler's wrist.
"Please don't blow him up!" Uraraka told Kazuma, then shoved Death Arms towards the ceiling as he flailed and tried to get his balance.
"I'm not an idiot, we'd level the whole building if we did that!" Kazuma snapped at her.
At the same time, Dark Shadow shredded Darkness' bindings, and she charged at the startled Woods. "I already have a boyfriend!"
"You all need to calm down! Lacquered Chains Prison!" Vines and roots flooded the diner, spreading out and attempting to wrap all of them up in their embrace.
"Kindle!" Kazuma cried, burning the tendrils racing for Megumin and slicing those that came after him with his sword. Darkness hacked away and bull rushed Woods, her shoulder throwing him through a window and out into the street.
"Kazuma, we have to stop!" Uraraka shouted. "They're not villains, they're-" she was cut off when a stream of water slammed into her, driving her to the ground. Kazuma turned to see yet another odd ball dressed like a firefighter, but with hoses where arms should have been.
"Halt! You are under arrest! You kids are-"
The water from the hoses suddenly went back on itself, driving the firefighter into a wall. Aqua stood up, trembling with anger, Dark Shadow having freed her as well.
"How dare you use my element against my friends!" Aqua snarled, her hands outstretched. "I am… the… goddess… of… water!" The firefighter struggled at first, but suddenly slumped over as his own water pummeled him.
"Well, that was easy," Kazuma said, looking over at Death Arms, who was groaning and floating in mid air after having rebounded into several surfaces. He heard rapidly approaching sirens and smiled to himself. "And now the cops are here. Perfect."
"Oh no," Uraraka groaned again, getting shakily to her feet. "My parents are going to kill me."
"Why?" Kazuma asked, waving as the first cop car pulled up. "We totally stomped those guys. We'll just let them know that they were picking on Aqua, and-"
"Kazuma, those three are pro heroes," Uraraka told him. "You er, might want to put your sword away, and put your hands over your head."
"Pro Heroes?" Kazuma asked, a creeping sense of dread overcoming him. He looked at Aqua. "What did you do."
"Nothing! This boy was sad, so I showed him one of my party tricks! Nature's Beauty! Then that jerked grabbed me and started yelling, but you helped. Thanks, by the way. I mean, I totally could have handled him but-"
"FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! USE YOUR QUIRKS AGAIN, AND WE OPEN FIRE!" a bullhorn blared from one of the cop cars.
"Let me blow 'em up," Megumin said, her fingers twitching. "I wanna blow 'em up. I only got in two Explosions today…"
"It would be best if you didn't slaughter the police," Tokoyami said, getting down on his knees and putting his hands on his head. "I er, might have overreacted. Seeing my friends in danger… perhaps we spent too much time in that other world."
"Yeah," Uraraka agreed. "I probably should have known better, but… well, old habits die hard I guess."
"Oh shit," Kazuma groaned as the officers advanced on him. He put his hands up. "Um, would you all believe this was just a simple misunderstanding?"
Interlude: Interview with a Vampire[img: . ]
Interlude: Interview with a Vampire
No Gods Or Kings. Only Man.
-Andrew Ryan
Once, centuries ago, Alucard had been close to being at peace. He had started to believe that there was, perhaps, something worthy in the world. That he had been wrong about God, and that it had been his own pride and weakness that had led to his people's destruction by his enemies the Turks, and that the only one responsible for his own fate had, in the end, been himself.
It had taken defeat by Abraham Van Hellsing, and the forced servitude under the Hellsing Organization for more than a century, but Alucard had started to change his ways, to want more than destruction and death. He'd even found humans he could respect, and who might be worthy of killing him at long last. He would make his peace, pass on his mantle to Seras, and die knowing that the Hellsing Organization would continue to protect the world under the capable hands of Integra, one of the only humans he'd ever respected. God indeed kept an eye on Alucard, and even if he hadn't earned redemption, at least he had made peace with his maker.
And then all of that had been proven to be a filthy, stinking lie. It was all God's fault. All of it. Or, rather, the Gods.
It had happened when Alucard had at last faced down Alexander Anderson, a human he considered truly worthy of defeating him. Unfortunately, Anderson had fallen short of Abraham Van Hellsing himself. Not because he couldn't have defeated Alucard, but because he had been willing to become a monster himself to do it.
They had stood there, both nearly defeated and dead. Alucard had felt something approaching joy as his familiars were slain, but Anderson had been near death as well. All he had to do was push past his pain, his fear, and become the pure humanity worthy of slaying Dracula, the Prince of the Night.
"Well done!" Alucard had laughed, as he had stood alone, his powerers waning at last with Anderson bloody but unbowed before him. "Well done, Son of Iscariot! You stand before me now, as a man! As I should expect of the Great Alexander Anderson!"
"Yes," Anderson spat. "But you are not the only one with a weapon of mass murder." And he had pulled out Helena's Nail. The relic of the true cross. One of the few things that had the ability to end Alucard, once and for all. His heart had sung with joy.
Which had turned to revulsion when, instead of using the weapon against Alucard, Anderson had used it on himself. He had pierced his own heart with that nail, forsaking his humanity. Alucard had roared with rage and heartbreak to see this man, this pinnacle of humanity, turn himself into a monster. Why?! Why do this!?
Alucard had killed Anderson, and gone on a short time later to face the rest of the horrors in this world. But his heart had seethed with anger. Why would God allow this? Anderson had been a true believer, a true zealot. He'd become a monster for God, not to spite him as Alucard had. What sort God demanded that?
And a short time later, when Alucard had devoured Schrodinger and ended Millenium, he had received his answer.
"There you are," a voice had said as Alucard's senses returned. "About time. Finally, someone capable of helping me shows up."
Alucard blinked to find himself looking up at the face of a white bearded grandfatherly man that glowed with a holy power. His eyes widened in shock. Dead? He was actually dead? That miserable little monster had ended him, Alucard, the Son of the Dragon, the First and True Vampire?
"Well, it seems your little story has finally wrapped up," God said. "Now get up. You have work to do."
"Work?" Alucard had demanded, slowly rising to his feet.
"Oh yes," God said, nodding and pulling out a scroll from nowhere to study. "That damnable Vash the Stampede has put me in charge of the Horror Division, but there are hardly any gods to help run things at all. You're one of the few heroes I have. You finally even made your peace with me back there I believe. I thought that bit with you fighting Anderson was rather poetic, really. The Monster of God fighting the Monster of the Devil. Normally I would have preferred my champion win, but Anderson didn't have the power I need."
"What are you talking about? You made Anderson use the Nail on himself? Why!? He could have slain me! Anderson could have stopped Millenium and me as a man!" Alucard demanded angrily. "He and Integra and Seras could have forged a new world, one where humanity rose above the monsters!"
"Perhaps, but humanity bores me. They're nothing but a bunch of ungrateful parasites. Now come. It's time we finished the onboarding and made you into a proper deity. The others have been slacking off." God told Alcard, turning away and walking off through the endless white landscape, dotted with marble pillars and shrouded in ethereal haze.
Snarling, Alucard and reaching for his guns. He would kill God and- Wait. Others?
Alucard hurried forward, controlling his rage for now. "Who are you? Are you really the being that calls itself God?"
"I am God. The God of Horror," the white bearded man agreed absently. "And you are now my newest lieutenant. Alucard, right? Or do you prefer Vlad Tepes? We'll need to get that right on the paperwork."
"Paperwork. You are going to make me one of God's own lieutenants… with paperwork? Don't you know that I kill the men of god, and spread fear and panic wherever I go?" Alucard demanded, fighting back anger and revulsion.
"Yes, that's what makes you such an excellent choice for a deity of horror," the White Bearded thing calling itself God replied, still not fully paying attention to Alucard. "Ah, here. Kyubey will finish your onboarding and explain things. I'm going to deal with that damnable atheist once and for all. Turning him into a little girl didn't sort out that salaryman. Well. Let's see how they like me making someone else my champion."
Alucard jerked as God simply… vanished. He was there one moment, then another, gone. And Alucard was standing in the white mist, with a small creature with red eyes and long, strange ears. It was about the size of a cat, but was clearly some sort of monster.
Hello! The thing, Kyubey Alucard supposed, spoke directly into his mind using some sort of telepathy. Welcome to the Divine Division of Horror! Through your actions, you have ascended, achieving Apotheosis. You are now a god of Horror. Congratulations!"
"God of Horror." Alucard said flatly. "You're telling me I'm God now?"
That was the most vile, horrible thing he could think of. His life of utter sin and destruction, and he was rewarded by becoming God? He might have accepted that he'd been able to redeem himself and enter the afterlife as a human, as asinine as that would have been. He'd rather just return to earth and fight alongside Seras and Integra again. Maybe then he could find a human worthy of killing him, or perhaps, simply exist as humanity's champion. A monster fighting monsters.
No, no, not God. You are a god. The boss you just spoke with is the God of Horror. We're just his subordinates. Or you will be, once you make a contract with me!
"And if I do not desire to be a deity?" Alucard growled, looming over the small creature.
It smiled up at him, but it's unblinking red eyes were empty and full of nothing but the endless void. Then I eat your soul, and we destroy your world and start over again! We really do need more gods, and you're a reasonably suitable candidate. But if you refuse, we'll just end you and your world as a failed experiment.
The thought of a simple cessation of existence galled Alucard, especially one at the hands of this vile creature. And to have his world erased for his own sins… that was even worse. "You'd erase all of reality? Just like that?"
No, just yours. A world like that, one designed to produce a proper god capable of helping run the division takes a lot of energy. Letting it go to waste would be a shameful increase in entropy, but sometimes it can't be avoided.
"I see. And why do you wish to make me into a god?" Alucard asked, considering his options.
That's easy! To spread horror! You enjoy that, don't you? You made a lot of horror happen while you were in your world, it was quite yummy! You see, us gods of Horror need terrible things to feed on to live. That's why I make Magical Girls in my world; Through their contracts and by becoming witches, they experience unimaginable horror. A pure, pristine form of energy that our division runs on. Our boss needs that to get power, and it's from him that we get our own abilities. Without Horror, our Division would cease to exist.
Rage, rage beyond anything Alucard had ever felt, burned in his soul. So. God was real. And he had been wrong. It wasn't that God didn't care. God did care, very much so it seemed. Only, God didn't care about his followers in the sense that he loved them, or sought to make the world a better place. Oh no. God was really just the devil, a worse one than even Alucard. And to God, his worshipers were nothing but food and chattel. But he didn't feed on devotion, praise, or even good deeds.
Of course not. It all made too much sense. The reason the world was so cruel, so unjust, so utterly terrifying, was because God fed on causing pain, and suffering, and anguish.
But Alucard would not let his anger rule him. He'd gotten past that centuries ago. The Hellsing family had seen to that. So he tamped it down, and forced himself to continue speaking to Kyubey. After all, Alucard killed monsters. And it seemed heaven was full of them.
After that, Alucard signed the contract, and became a god. He was tasked with overseeing worlds, and causing the maximum amount of horror and pain for their inhabitants in new and creative ways so that the Horror Division could grow and multiply. He spoke with the being who called himself the "God of Horror" many times, and confirmed his belief that he was nothing but a cruel, malevolent, and petty tyrant who sought only to bring woe to his worshipers.
Personally, Alucard preferred to think of him "Being X," as the so-called "atheist" did. This was a poor soul that the God of Horror was currently fixated upon. Some fool that would neither bow and worship, nor give in and weep in horror and fear. It was the sort of pettiness Alucard supposed he should have expected of God.
As for Alucard, he rose through the ranks quickly. He knew quite well how to cause horror and pain, and did so. He felt no pity for these poor humans. Instead, he wished for them to overcome their trials. For Alucard sought a way to end their suffering.
You see, Alucard had learned Horror was not the only division of heaven. There were others. Worlds that were full of love in the Romance Division, or those full of laughter in the Comedy division, and hundreds of others. At first Alucard had been bitter and resentful his life had not been lived there. But then he realized something; Those Gods were just the same as the ones in Horror. They lived to cause laughter or love, not because they cared about those in their worlds, but so they could feed on it. Oh, they could have destroyed the Horror Division, it was actually rather small and out of the way, shunned by the other Gods and gods. But they didn't. Because they were perfectly content to let a few mortals suffer so their fellow gods could feed.
Which meant one simple thing: They had to die. All of them. They were not gods. They were monsters. But to kill a monster, you did not send another monster. Alucard might be able to kill the other Horror gods, but he would swiftly lose to more powerful deities in other divisions. No, Alucard didn't need a monster.
He needed a man. Or, rather, a girl. That "atheist." Tanya Von Degurechaff she was called now. A little girl, trapped in a horrible war. But she kept her focus. She was determined to kill God. And Alucard was in a position to help her.
His greatest aid was that the God of Horror was lazy, extremely so. He put off more and more of his work onto Alucard, who was quickly becoming the most powerful god in horror. He even put Alucard in charge of Tanya's world, to torment her more effectively, and in charge of interdepartmental communications. Effectively, Alucard had become the Head of Horror, in function if not form.
Which was how Alucard met perhaps the God, or rather, Goddess, he hated most, outside of his own division. Haruhi Suzumiya.
She was everything a God should not be. Lackadaisical. Petty. Uncaring. And willing to subject those under her to endless humiliation. Granted, she did not torture them as the Horror Division did, but her supposed "slapstick" was painful and humiliating, even killing those she thought of as being deserving of her wrath. She claimed it was to bring laughter, but in its own macabre way Alucard saw it as just as horrifying as anything in his own division.
Which was why it was oh so sweet that it was her who sent out a missive asking for a collaboration
You see, Alucard needed a way to destroy the other gods. He couldn't simply start killing off his own division himself, nor could he attack other gods openly. He was stronger than most, but not all, and invariably if enough deities worked together, he'd be laid low. But the same didn't hold true for mortal beings, or at least non-divine ones. Gods had no power over beings not in their own division. So, Alucard needed a way into another division.
Enter the Isekai Quartet Initiative. Isekai was a fad amongst the gods, of sending mortals from a world without magic or very little, into a fantasy realm. It could have been a way to create powerful champions to defeat the monsters that threatened humanity, but instead it was just a sort of joke that gods played on mortals to feed off their emotions. There were several Isekai worlds under Alucards control, and he carefully selected a batch to present to Haruhi as choices for her scheme.
Her plan was to send all of these beings to Highschool and have them interact with one another. She planned to turn it into a farce, but Alucard had deeper intentions. He wanted to make sure Tanya went, as she had the most potential to become a mortal free of all shackles, who would stop at nothing to kill the gods and free humanity once and for all. Alongside her, Alucard also submitted two others. The first was a boy named Subaru Natsuki, who was also plagued by the gods. He was weak willed, but perhaps one day he could find the drive to destroy the gods forever. The other was Naofumi Iwatani, a man who had suffered every indignity, and who would be dead set on destroying the gods, if he could be properly guided to that conclusion.
There were a few others mixed in, and Alucard sent them off to Comedy, hoping that Haruhi would be so foolish as to accept his offer.
To his shock, not only did she accept, but Alucard had been the only one to respond. Apparently, Comedy was considered to be, well, a joke, and working with them as lowering oneself to a base level. But Haruhi was delighted to be working with Alucard, though for all the wrong reasons.
"This will be great!" Haruhi laughed when they met together at a neutral location, a world that seemed to exist just for the purpose of deities across divisions talking with one another. It looked like a great hotel on a small world of boring cityscapes and parks, clean manicured, and harmless. It was populated only by angels and servants, and had no mortals upon it. What a waste. Somewhere like this would have been a pleasant place for mortals to live out their lives. It made Alucard think of Integra, but he steeled himself and pressed on.
"Look, there's just one problem here though," Haruhi said, looking over the paper with the three chosen worlds of Alucard's over. "When I found out I was going to work with Horror, I thought there would be some cool monsters! But this is all boring! The closest thing to a monster are Rem and Ram, but they just look like cute girls! I mean, that's hot, but where are the real scary stuff! You know, something big and tough and mean! Skeletons, and vampires, and multi legged freaks! That's what horror is, right?"
"Well, I hardly thought a group of disturbing beasts would be appropriate for a school setting," Alcuard said calmly, flipping through Haruhi's own suggestions. He froze suddenly, and if he had been human still, a drop of cold sweat would have run down his back. "What is this? You're including gods in this… event?"
"Yeah, Aqua's a goof! Plus, she'd way over react if she saw literal monsters!" Haruhi cackled.
"She is not the only one. Who is this 'Ristarte?'" Alucard demanded coldly, tapping a finger on another world's description.
"Oh, she's pretty funny too. Totally in love with Seiya. I figure I can trick her into banging him and she can spend a lifetime as a mortal. So don't worry about them," Haruhi said dismissively. "Look, either you bring some cool monsters to the table or I'm calling this off. Don't you have something interesting?"
Absently, Alcuard reached into his stack of secondary options and selected one at random. He glanced at it, then slid it over to Haruhi. The Overlord world was a disgusting perversion, one he hoped to cleanse one day. But Ainz and his cronies did fit the descriptions of monstrous in both appearance and character.
"This Aqua and Ristarte. Will their memories be wiped?" Alucard asked Haruhi, keeping his voice calm and professional.
"Huh?" Haruhi looked up from the Overlord paper and shrugged. "I mean, if Ristarte manages to trip Seiya into bed, yeah. But not Aqua, unless you can arrange someone to seduce her. Believe me, I tried. I thought Kazuma would totally go for her and she'd be into him, but instead they're hetrosexual life partners or something. He's with Megumin, can you believe it? That stupid pedo-NEET."
Alcuard did not give a good goddamn about who was sleeping with whom. But this Aqua could be a problem. He looked at her sheet more carefully. Then he smiled. Hated the undead, did she? Well. That could have some potential. She seemed rash and unintelligent. If she attacked Ainz, Alucard would have his pretext for the coming war. It was a problem that she would remember these events, and working with the Horror Division would give her power over its inhabitants. But that would just mean she would need to be eliminated first. And if Ainz or his subordinates survived, they'd likely bear her a grudge. Excellent.
As a bonus, Tanya already hated gods. Having a fool of a goddess like this around her would be the perfect way to further mold her into the weapon Alucard needed.
"Alright, these guys work," Haruhi declared, slapping down the Overlord paper and grinning. "So, I've already got the Highschool world created, when can you teleport your people in? I was thinking we just send them these big red buttons, and trick them into pressing them! That would be hilarious!"
"That's fine," Alucard agreed, hiding a smile. "How long do you think this will last?"
"I dunno. Until it's not funny anymore. Or until everyone learns a valuable lesson. Hopefully your people can just relax and have some fun! I feel bad they're stuck in the horror division. You guys aren't too hard on them, right?" Haruhi asked, sounding almost concerned. Alcuard knew it was a lie, a facade. No god cared about humanity.
Save for him.
"Oh, I'm sure our heroes will enjoy themselves," Alcuard said, smiling politely at Haruhi and avoiding showing his fangs. "I know I will."
The Isekai Quartet experiment only lasted a few months, but that was all Alucard needed. He spent the time well, planning and preparing. He even checked up on Seras and Integra. They were doing well, as Alcuard had known they would without him. But their world was still vulnerable, and horrors still ran through it. For now.
Alucard would find a way to free those he cared for from the bondage of gods. The only part he regretted is that it would mean he would have to die as well. Ah well. It was for the best. He was, after all, a monster.
He just had to make sure that Tanya Von Degurechaff didn't make the same mistake that Anderson had. She would be worthy.
She would be his Godslayer. And her last victim would be himself.
But her first would be the very God that had plagued Alucard for so long. It was almost time for Being X to die. And then, Alcuard's crusade would begin in earnest.
Author's Note:
Hopefully that answers some of the questions I've gotten about why Alucard is doing what he's doing. I don't think he's terribly OOC to want to see what he sees as monstrous petty tyrants all exterminated, especially not when he's doing it for his friends in the Hellsing Organization. Special thanks to ManuJM1997, Captain_Skipjack, Omega Cloud, and many others in this thread for making me think harder about my own story. And of course, The Grand Cogitator for serving as my beta and sounding board.
Last edited by a moderator: Sep 3, 2020
Chapter 24: Jailhouse RockBeta'd by The Grand Cogitator
[img: . ]
Jailhouse Rock
Prison changed me! I'm bad to the core now!
-Aqua "Thug Life" Mizu
Thud. Thud. Thud.
"They're not going to break if you keep banging your head against them," Tokoyami told Kazuma.
"Maybe it will break my head then," Kazuma muttered, and continued banging his head against their prison door. How could he have been so stupid? Of course Aqua had screwed up and gotten herself into trouble, but that was no reason for the rest of them to just attack like that. Well, maybe a little bit of a reason. There was that whole "everyone's trying to kill us" thing they'd just gotten away from.
Their prison was far from the damp, dimly lit one in Axel. Instead, it was incredibly well lit, to the point of being nearly blinding. That made sense, as the cops apparently knew all about Dark Shadow. They didn't seem to know much about Kazuma though, as their prison had a simple digital lock on it. He didn't know if he could pick it, but he frankly didn't see the point in trying right now anyway.
"I hate this world," Kazuma grumbled, continuing to pound his head against the bars. "Why can't I just go somewhere peaceful?"
Tokoyami shifted, moving from the corner to come sit with his back resting against the bars by Kazuma, which finally got him to quit banging his head. Dark Shadow was the size of a mouse, hiding in Tokoyami's pocket and whimpering. "It will be alright. We shall explain: you are foreign, and did not know the laws well."
"I'm not foreign Tokoyami, remember? I'm the NEET from Nagino," Kazuma sighed, his throbbing head still pressed up against the bars.
"Ah. Well, er, we're children, so perhaps we shall get off lightly?" Tokoyami suggested. Kazuma gave him a flat look, and Tokoyami relented. "Alright. It's pretty bad. I… don't know what my parents will say. I am not looking forward to the conversation, I confess. But… we shall come through this, together."
"What, you're not pissed at me?" Kazuma asked. "I mean, we're probably going to get kicked out of a fancy school like UA for pulling shit like this. Sure, I don't really care, but it has to matter to you."
Tokoyami considered that quietly for a while, then shrugged. "I was going to UA to learn to become a hero. I'd like to think you taught me how to do that, Kazuma."
That made Kazuma bark out a laugh. "Me? Are you serious?"
"Of course. You and Darkness have both shown me what it means to be a true hero. Your willingness to sacrifice yourself for others, your-"
"Ok, no," Kazuma said, scowling and turning towards Tokoyami. "I do not sacrifice myself for others. Other people can get bent; I don't give a shit about a bunch of NPCs."
"Then why were you so willing to sacrifice yourself to save Hauptstadt?" Tokoyami countered.
"I didn't do that for Kaiser Fred and his randos! I did that for Darkness and you and Uraraka! You're my friends. You I care about. Everyone else? Whatever, the Lord of the Tomb can zombify them for all I care," Kazuma declared.
For a moment, Tokoyami studied Kazuma's face, then he shook his head. "You actually think you believe that, don't you?"
"Damn right I do," Kazuma stated, folding his arms over his chest. He felt a slight pang of guilt that he tried to ignore, and continued talking to try to banish it. "Look, Tokoyami, you're young. Yeah, yeah, I know, we look like we're the same age and shit. But listen. You can't save everyone, see? You try, you end up dead, your friends end up dead, and then what was the point? You get yours, you make sure the people you love are safe, and to hell with the rest. Because life sucks, and if you try to save everyone, you won't save anyone."
"Hmmm. We shall see. I think you're more heroic than you think you are, Kazuma. You could have fled with Darkness and the rest of us, you know."
Kazuma was about to argue the point, when he felt a familiar twing, and his blood suddenly ran cold. "Oh shit. OH SHIT! HEY, HEY, OFFICER, SOMEONE! THERE'S A VILLAIN COMING IN! JESUS CHRIST LET US OUT, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL!"
"What?!" Tokoyami demanded, jumping to his feet. "What is it?!"
"Very strong undead, and a demon," Kazuma gasped, rattling the bars. "YO! Someone get your ass over here! They're going to slaughter you all!"
A policeman stuck his head in, which looked like a cat's, frowning at Kazuma. "Calm down kid, your parents are going to be here soon. You're in enough trouble already."
"You dumb son of a bitch, you're all going to die!" Kazuma ranted. "And so am I! Screw this! Pick Lock!" Kazuma pointed his finger at the lock, and there was an electronic warble and a click. The cop's eyes went wide, and he reached for his gun, but Kazuma stuck his hand out. "Steal!"
The officer's weapon appeared in Kazuma's grip, and he pointed it at the lights. "Snipe! Snipe! Snipe!" His skill proved to work just as well with a gun as it did with a bow and arrow, and the lights all went out.
"Get ready!" Kazuma said to Tokoyami. "How's Dark Shadow?"
"I'M BACK BITCHES!" Dark Shadow roared, erupting out of Tokoyami's pocket and flexing in the darkness. "Let's party!"
"I need back up," the cop was shouting into his radio. "The prisoners, they're-"
"Shut up and get behind me!" Kazuma ordered, shoving the policecat behind him. "These guys are strong, understand? Like, level a city strong. Where are the girls?!"
The police cat blinked, his eyes glowing in the dim light. "What are-you're serious?"
"Look, take your damn gun and get ready," Kazuma snarled, pushing the weapon at the officer. "If things go south, run like hell. Find Izuku Midoriya, and Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg. They might be able to handle the hell that's about to break loose here, because I'm pretty damn sure the Lord of the Tomb just found us."
"I'm not just going to abandon my post! You're my prisoners, I-"
Tokoyami cut the officer off. "It is best to listen to him. This could mean the destruction of Japan if we do not act quickly. Get a hold of All Might, or possibly Endeavor. They might be able to hold the line."
The officer was silent for a moment, then pointed. "Your friends are down the hall that way. Here's the key card." He picked up his radio, the spoke into it, "All units, all units, be advised we have an Omega level villain threat at Mufusu Precinct #303. Repeat, this is an Omega level villain threat: alert the pro heroes and begin evacuation."
"What?" a voice crackled over the radio. "What are you-"
"Just get All Might!" Policecat growled. "We've got a prisoner break out and worse going on here!"
Kazuma dashed down the hall, only to bump into Darkness with her sword drawn. "Aqua sensed demons and undead, I take it you did as well?"
Behind her, a frightened looking police woman with her weapon drawn was listening to Uraraka whisper in her ear, while Aqua and Megumin had their weapons out, ready to fight.
"Yeah, how'd you get out?" Kazuma asked, facing the door that led to where he was sensing the threat and conjuring up Chunchumaru.
"The bars are not so tough when Aqua blesses me," Darkness said grimly. "I shall go first. Be ready."
"Right behind you," Tokoyami said, and Dark Shadow growled eagerly.
"FOR BELZERG AND QUEEN IRIS!" Darkness roared, and charged not the door, but the wall itself. She barreled right through, Tokoyami behind her.
"SACRED EXORCISM!" Aqua bellowed, pointing her hands through the gap. There was the sound of the clang of metal and bellows from Dark Shadow, then a series of explosions that ripped apart the room. Kazuma dashed through as the temperature suddenly dropped like a rock, the surfaces of the station suddenly riming with frost.
Giant spikes of ice flew through the air, two impaling Dark Shadow. "BEGONE DEMON! YOU SHALL HARM NO INNOCENTS HERE!"
"Ahaha! You are strong, but you cannot defeat moi! I confess, your skill astounds me, o perverted crusader. Did someone teach you how to handle that lump of metal you call a sword?"
That was when the far wall exploded, and of all things, one of the teachers from the school burst into the station. "FEAR NOT! FOR I AM HERE!"
"WAIT!" Kazuma shouted. "TIME OUT! I CALL TIMEOUT! PAUSE! SHIT, TIMEOUT!"
For a wonder, everyone froze. Scattered papers fluttered through the air as the combatants all stood still, breathing heavily. Darkness had a lump of earth pinned down with her sword through it, while a mask atop yet another mound of earth was rapidly reforming into the shape of a man. Wiz had her foot on Tokoyami's throat, a conjured spear of ice inches from his beak, while Dark Shadow was struggling to free itself from an icy cage. The teacher, for his part, had frozen with a fist that was nearly brushing Wiz's cheek.
And that was when Aqua popped up, pointed a hand at Wiz, and said, "TURN UN-"
Kazuma karate chopped the back of the idiot goddess' neck, and she gasped and stumbled. "I said timeout, dammit!"
"But Kazuma, they're evil now!" Aqua said, pointing to Wiz and Vanir. "They were running Axel for the Lord of the Tomb! They're bad guys!"
"Wait, is that true?" Kazuma demanded, turning his head to Vanir who had just finished reforming.
"It is true, moi and our dear Wiz were indeed the rulers of Axel in the name of the Tomb, oh imprisoned young man who should learn the local customs better, but that is not the entire story!"
"We were trying to save people!" Wiz said, tears forming on her cheeks, then immediately freezing in the chill air. "We helped Eris lead a rebellion! We- we succeeded, too! We were driving the Tomb's forces from this world, but then, that damned smug smiling Director Koizumi showed up and-"
"Ok, ok, just stop," Kazuma sighed. He turned to the policecat, who was looking utterly baffled. "Look, sorry, false alarm. Cancel that threat level Omega or whatever. Turns out, these are the good kinds of demons and undead. Sorry for the trouble. Come on guys, back to prison. Good grief. I don't even want to know how much debt I'm going to be in now…"
"Debt!?" Aqua wailed. "I don't want to be in debt again! They can't take all my stuff, I just got it! I already have to be a human, I can't be a poor one too!"
"Oh just shut up already," Kazuma muttered, shoving Aqua towards the cells. "Come on, back inside."
"Um, that may be a problem," Darkness said, flushing. "I, er, sort of ripped the door off of ours."
"Great. More debt. Come on, we'll share. I guess it's big enough if you guys don't mind getting cozy," Kazuma said.
"Seriously? That was a false alarm?" Uraraka said as they all headed back to the darkened jail. "You know those guys?"
"Yeah, they're mostly harmless, even if they were generals in the Devil King's army," Megumin said as they went inside. "Wiz is a shopkeeper, and Vanir helps her out."
"If you can call her that, she's got worse business sense than a man selling sand in the desert," Kazuma said, grunting and pulling the door shut. It was a bit of a tight fit, but at least that gave him an excuse to press up against Megumin. "What the hell are they even doing here?"
"Kazuma, Kazuma!" Aqua whispered, shaking his sleeve.
"That's my name," he said evenly.
"I… I have to… I have to… pee…"
Kazuma eyed Aqua. "Are you serious? We were just outside!"
"I know, but um, I mean, I'm not really used to having to going to the bathroom, and then there was all that excitement, but now…" Aqua trailed off, sniffling.
"Fine. Megumin, show her how to handle it," Kazuma said. He pointed his finger at the lock. "Pick Lock."
Megumin took Aqua outside, where the puzzled looking policecat was looking on. "Um, excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?"
"Er, down the hall, to the right," the policecat said. "I think it's still intact."
"Thanks. We'll be right back."
The policecat watched the two girls go, then turned to Kazuma. "You know, most people don't have a prison break, call time out, then go right back to prison, or just let themselves out to go to the bathroom whenever they feel like it."
"Yeah, sorry, it's her first day being human," Kazuma said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head. Then he froze. "Shit. Forget I said that. Um, she's just got a nervous bladder."
"Nervous bladder. Right. I'm just going to go talk to All Might, and try to explain to him why I called an Omega level threat on your guardians," the policecat sighed, then turned and left.
"Wait, guardians? OH HELL NO! I am not going to be the ward of that smirking jerkass demon!" Kazuma shouted. "You come right back here, Mister! I demand to be emancipated right now! I'm really 200 years old, you know!"
"My parents are going to kill me," Uraraka groaned. "I managed to get expelled from school on my first day, and cause billions in property damage."
"You did not have to aid us, Uraraka. We could say you were our captive, or that we compelled you somehow," Darkness offered.
"No, it's fine. I'd rather stick by my friends even when they're idiots then turn my back on you. Considering how many times you all saved my life, it's only fair," Uraraka said. "I just wish I had some of that gold from the baroness or Kaiser. Maybe that would help a little… instead all I have is my sword back home, that can't be worth too much."
Megumin and Aqua came back, Aqua looking utterly disgusted. "Being a mortal is so gross. Ugh, I hate having to go pee."
"Did you at least wash your hands?" Kazuma demanded as he picked the lock again to let them back inside.
"I am a goddess of water! I am naturally pure, I don't need to-" Aqua's face fell, and she started to sob.
Megumin pulled her into a hug, grimacing at Kazuma. "She washed her hands. I am not looking forward to the first time she has to go poop."
"Forget that, we're going to have to explain periods to her, aren't we?" Uraraka complained, rubbing at her temples.
Kazuma stuck his fingers in his ears. "La-lala-lala, I'm not listening! I don't want to hear about that crap!"
"Oh, you're going to get to hear all about it now," Megumin said, giving him a smug grin. "We're dating. Just you wait. You'll have to deal with it, same as I do. Now, I think it's only fair, since you made all those PMS jokes before, that you have to-"
"Ehem." All Might coughed politely, apparently having been standing outside of their cell for some time as they bickered.
Urakaka let out a squeak and suddenly stood at attention, while Tokoyami straightened and went to parade rest, hands behind his back. Even Dark Shadow stopped squeezing Darkness' melons and flew to Tokoyami's shoulder, saluting.
"What, you here to expel us?" Kazuma said, going over to the bars and looking up at their giant of a teacher. "Whatever, we get it. We-"
"All Might!" Aqua wailed, shoving Kazuma roughly to the side and poking her arms through the bars. "You have to save me! They're being super mean! You remember how I healed you, right? Well you totally owe me one! You're like, famous or something here, right? So talk to the police! They have to let me out, I'm too delicate for prison! I don't want to have to get a tattoo and join the Yakuza! Tattoos hurt!"
"Oh, so you're just going to ditch us?" Kazuma demanded, rounding on Aqua.
"Shh! It's my plan! I'll get All Might to let me out, then I'll sneak back and get the rest of you," Aqua said in a conspiratorial tone. "Trust me, I'm in good with this guy and he seems pretty important."
"You know we could have just gotten away at any time, right Aqua?" Megumin asked. "I could blow the prison up, or Darkness could just bend the bars again."
"Oh." Aqua turned back to All Might and smiled. "Never mind! Pretend you didn't hear that. So, um, what's up? You need more healing or something? It's free, but, um, we really could use a hand here…"
"Aqua!" Uraraka hissed. "That's All Might. Didn't Midoriya tell you about him?! He's the Number 1 Pro Hero, the Symbol of Peace!"
"Oh, wow, cool. How many Devil King's did he defeat? 'Cause I'm on like, two. Two and a half maybe," Kazuma bragged.
All Might slowly shook his head. "You really are from another world, aren't you?"
Uraraka closed her eyes and let out a slow hiss of air. "Midoriya told you, didn't he? I should have known when I saw him sneak off with you…"
"Um, yes!" Aqua said quickly. She leaned up close to the bars again. "Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually a super powerful goddess in exile. If you help me out, I'll grant you a Blessing!"
"I know," All Might rumbled, an odd look flashing over his face. "Midoriya has informed me of your… exploits."
"He told you she was a useless idiot then?" Kazuma asked, jerking his thumb at Aqua. "I mean, she did used to be a goddess and all, but she's really dumb."
"KAZUMA!" Aqua snarled, elbowing Kazuma in the gut. "Stop ruining my chances with the locals! I'll never get a new cult founded if people don't think I'm amazing!"
"I think it's best if we don't have this conversation while you're all pretending to be in jail," All Might said. "Come. We're going back to UA to have a long discussion. I take it I should bring your 'guardians' with us?"
"I mean, sure, why not. That way, I can deck Vanir in his smug, prick face," Kazuma agreed. "Guardian my ass. I bet this was all his idea or something."
"Why don't we hold off on the violence until after we establish what's going on here?" All Might said. "I should have rounded you all up and had this conversation before you left school. Letting you loose in the world was an accident waiting to happen."
In later years, All Might would come to marvel at just how apropos his turn of phrase had been, though not for the reasons he'd intended.
Chapter 25: Cards on the TableBeta'd and Edited by The Grand Cogitator
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Chapter 25: Cards on the Table
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Principal Nezu
You'd think that sitting in a room with some of the most powerful people in the nation of Japan would have impressed Kazuma and his friends. That is, if you didn't know them very well. Kazuma figured at this point, he had hobnobbed with royalty for long enough that it just didn't bother him anymore, and he'd never been all that reverent of station in the first place.
As for Megumin and Tokoyami, they were so wrapped up in their own eccentricities they viewed social standing as more of a competition that could be won through force of will. Darkness and Uraraka at least attempted to behave in a respectful manner, but as a noble Darkness obviously considered herself the equal of anyone (who wasn't Iris) while Uraraka tended to treat everyone with the same level of friendly geniality.
And Aqua, well, she had been a goddess. And was a few french fries short of a happy meal. So not only did she figure she outranked everyone, she probably didn't understand social niceties anyway.
"So, just to be clear, we're not going to have to pay off all the damages?" Kazuma asked, looking around the room. "Because I seriously don't want to start my life here up to my neck in debt."
The chief of police, who was apparently a dog or something, blinked. "You… you are more concerned about debt, then the fact that there's an interdimensional warlord out to conquer the world, woof?"
They'd spent a great deal of time going over everything that could be dredged up about The Lord of the Tomb and his minions. It had been quite boring and lasted for hours, and by this point Kazuma was rather done with the whole affair.
"Meh." Kazuma gave a theatrical shrug and leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head. "I deal with that sort of thing all the time. It's a pain, sure, but the worst that can happen is you die again. Debt? Man, it doesn't matter how many times you die. It's always there, waiting. And I just hate being poverty stricken."
"Plus, if you're poor, you have to worry about finding enough to eat," Megumin said, making a face. "Kazuma can make rations, but they get boring after a while. And they're not very good for my MP."
"Yeah, and, if you have money, you can buy weapons and armor to fight the bad guys with!" Uraraka added. "Proper funding is very important to an Adventurer-um, I mean, hero's, career. I learned that when we had to find the money to get enough sulfur and saltpeter to make gunpowder."
"Not to mention all the bronze," Tokoyami pointed out. "That was very expensive."
"Indeed, to properly martial forces to fight off the Lord of the Tomb is a considerable undertaking," Darkness agreed. "If we are in debt, we shall not be able to properly mount a defense."
"Plus, you need money for snacks," Aqua added. "And now that I have to eat, I'm going to need a lot more of those. Also, I think I need tampons? Uraraka said something about those. Can you eat them?"
That caused all the men in the room to look varying levels of embarrassed, and Kazuma to develop a sudden migraine.
"Aqua, those are, er, for girl things," Uraraka hissed. "Not the time!"
"Well, I suppose we can add basic sanitation lessons to the list of things we're going to need to go over!" Nezu said brightly. He, along with the Chief of Police, some government bureaucrat types, All Might, and a couple of other pro heroes were meeting with Kazuma's little group after their brief stint in the lock up, as well as their massive amounts of property damage.
So, really, a typical outing for the party.
Megumin let out an enormous yawn. "Are you done yet? At least in jail you get to go to sleep. Being reincarnated in a new world is very tiring. Can we just go home now?"
"Um, Vanir and I can answer your questions," Wiz pipped up. She'd remained relatively quiet, aside from assuring everyone that she was "not that kind of lich." "We don't need sleep. It's… one of the things I miss. I just wish that there had been enough time for Eris to…"
"What?" Aqua asked, frowning. "She promised to finally exorcise you like the unnatural abomination that-OW!"
Kazuma gave Uraraka an approving nod for having kicked Aqua under the desk. She was proving to be an excellent addition to their group. He could use a little more sanity in his life.
"We really want to know is; just what the heck are you gonna do with us?" Kazuma demanded. "I mean, now that you know we're time traveling aliens or something. Obviously, Uraraka and Tokoyami live here, so you should let them go at least."
"Their parents have been notified of their presence here," Nezu promised. "As for what to do with you, well I suppose you'll just have to keep attending school. After all, didn't you say you came to this world to learn to be heroes?"
"We already KNOW how to be heroes, for we are the legendary group who have-" Megumin cut off when Kazuma put a hand over her mouth.
"It's school, or prison and debt," he hissed in her ear. "What would YOU prefer? Because I'm pretty sure prison has a strict no Explosions policy!"
"We would be honored to attend this institution," Darkness said gravely. She'd had on her "responsible noble" persona for most of the night. Where had THAT been when they were getting thrown in jail?
"I think a bit of community service might be in order as well," the chief of police added. "You did, after all, destroy a restaurant and a police station."
"That sounds VERY reasonable," Uraraka said before anyone else could offer their opinion.
"Yes, we are grateful for your mercy," Tokoyami agreed.
"You will also be attending shall we say, remedial classes," Nezu put in. "To accommodate you to our local customs and laws. We understand Aqua's display wasn't an intentional violation of the law, but in future such things will have to be dealt with more harshly."
"What about those two?" Kazuma demanded, jerking his thumb at Uraraka and Tokoyami. "What went down wasn't their fault, and it ain't like they don't know what's up around here."
"Be that as it may, for now I think we're going to require their presence, if for no other reason than we can study these new abilities they seem to have gained," All Might said. "I'll be taking you four home myself. I'd like to talk with Aqua for a short time."
"Would you like to see more of my tricks?" Aqua asked eagerly. "I know tons of them!" She'd been delighted to show off her impressive array of party tricks to a captivated audience, though after a half dozen they'd moved on despite Aqua's willingness to perform more.
"Perhaps not in public. Remember, quirk usage is illegal, Aqua," All Might said gently as they all stood and headed for the door.
Uraraka and Tokoyami ended up getting taken home in government vehicles, where they would apparently be having very interesting conversations with their parents. Kazuma was sort of grateful he didn't have to worry about that. But that got him thinking about his own parents. They'd have been dead for hundreds of years now, if they'd ever existed in this wacky timeline.
Megumin seemed to notice something was bothering Kazuma, and took his hand as they walked the few short blocks to their apartment. Aqua talked animatedly to All Might about a variety of inane subjects, while Darkness seemed morose now that Tokoyami was gone. Apparently, she would miss her late night entertainment.
"Well, thank you for enlightening me on how being a goddess works, Aqua," All Might said, bowing to them when they'd reached their apartment building. "There's a police officer on duty to watch over you. Apparently, this is where all the students from another world are staying. That will merit further investigation, I think."
"Yeah sure, whatever you say big guy," Kazuma said, yawning widely. "Guess we'll see you at school tomorrow.
"Farewell. And, Aqua?"
The former goddess turned from going up the steps, giving All Might a happy smile. "Yeah?"
"Thank you. You still have one believer in this world, if that means anything to you."
That got Aqua to cry, and she rushed down the stairs and wrapped the startled hero in a hug. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!"
"Come on, let's get you to bed," Kazuma said, gently prying Aqua away from All Might. "You look worn out."
"I just… maybe, maybe I can still be a goddess, you know?" Aqua sniffed, wiping at her eyes. "If that's how things work here. I don't think we're in the Comedy realm anymore. I don't really know anything about the other divisions, but they do have different rules."
All Might's eyes went rather wide at that particular cosmic revelation, and he bowed again. "Farewell. We shall see each other in the morning."
With that, he leapt off into the sky, vanishing into the darkness of night.
Kazuma helped Aqua up the stairs, then passed her over to Darkness who took Aqua to her room. There were four bedrooms in the apartment, though the one that was supposed to be Megumin's was currently unoccupied, as the first thing she'd done upon arriving was to move her stuff into his room, apparently having decided they'd been dating long enough to get that serious. Not that Kazuma was complaining.
After the long day, Kazuma and Megumin both settled down into a hot bath, relaxing in each other's arms. The apartment was surprisingly luxurious, the sort of thing Kazuma would have called an expensive condo back in his version of Japan. It had two bathrooms, one with just a shower, and the other with that and a large bathtub.
Kazuma was ready to fall asleep, but Megumin cozied up to him, frowning slightly. "What's up?"
"Something is bothering you," Megumin said, tracing lazy lines on Kazuma's chest. It tickled slightly, but also reminded him he'd lost a lot of chest hair. Apparently, he really had been de-aged back to a Year 1 highschool student.
Kazuma shifted, then sighed. "Probably the same thing that's been bothering you since you talked to Yunyun this morning."
"Oh. I thought you hadn't noticed," Megumin mumbled, sniffing slightly.
"We've been friends for too long for me not to be able to tell when something's bothering you. You did a pretty good job of hiding it, but I saw you when Iris talked about Komekko."
Megumin pressed her face against Kazuma's chest, and he held her while she cried. He did a little crying himself. He'd miss the little bugger. Not that she'd been little, but still. He understood.
"You… you are thinking of your parents too?" Megumin asked after they'd both dunked their heads under water and scrubbed their faces.
"Yeah. I'm not real sure what year it is in relation to the ones I know. Midoriya said they reckon years now from QE, the Quirk Era. Doesn't matter. This isn't my world, I'm pretty sure. Besides. That had been Belzerg for a long time. But, you're here now. So are Darkness and Aqua, and Tokoyami and Uraraka, and Midoriya and Hatsume. Heck, even Iris, Yunyun, Eris, Wiz, and that smug prick. So I guess this is home now."
Megumin was quiet for a long time, and Kazuma closed his eyes, letting the water soak in. After a bit they got out, and when they were drying each other off, Megumin asked, "Do you want to go back?"
"Huh?" Kazuma asked, pausing and frowning.
"With Iris. Do you want to go back to Belzerg?" Megumin clarified.
Kazuma hesitated. He knew the answer he wanted to give, but he had to be sure. "Do you?"
"I don't know," Megumin admitted. "This world is strange, and I don't think they will let me use my Explosion magic very often. But… I don't know. If you are here, and the others… I could learn to live without my daily Explosions."
"Then we should stay," Kazuma said, putting his hands on Megumin's shoulders and drawing her close. "Together. It's peaceful here. Maybe the Lord of the Tomb never shows up. You and me, we do the hero thing for a few years, or I figure out some sort of other way to get rich. Then, I dunno. We become NEETs for the rest of our lives. Together."
Megumin managed a smile. "Ok." Then she took Kazuma's hand, and led him to bed. Then, it really did feel like home. After all, as long as Kazuma had his friends, did anything else really matter?
The next morning, Kazuma was awoken by a pussy sitting on his face. It was, unfortunately, the wrong kind of pussy for him to get excited about. So instead, he spat out some fur and picked Chomusuke up and lifted the dozing feline onto the bed. The cat yawned and stretched, her little wings fluttering slightly, and Kazuma frowned at the cat.
"So, what, are you still a dark god? Ever going to turn into that cat girl?" Kazuma demanded.
In response, Chomuske farted out a bit of fire, singing Kazuma's fingers, then rolled over and went back to sleep.
Swearing under his breath, Kazuma attempted to roll over and go back to sleep, only for there to be a sudden banging on the door. "Kazuma! Megumin! It is time for school!" Darkness called.
"Ugh, fine, we hear you, 'mom,'" Kazuma called as Megumin groaned and put a pillow over her head. He poked her with a sigh. "Come on, might as well. At the very least, I need to figure out what's up with Iris and Bakugo. Still gotta break those two up."
It was a bit weird and awkward getting dressed in front of Megumin. Though they'd lived together for hundreds of years in the divine realm, it had a decidedly different connotation back in the mortal world.
Aqua was munching away on a bowl of cereal out in the living room, while watching some cartoon show with, of all things, All Might as the main character. Darkness fried up a few eggs, while Kazuma showed Megumin how to use the rice cooker. Which, you know, was pretty easy. Rice, water, press the button. Done.
With Darkness' harrying, they all managed to get dressed and out the door relatively early.
"Hey, good morning, neighbor! It's a great day, isn't it!" a cheery voice called as Kazuma and company exited the door. He turned to find an ordinary looking boy in a UA uniform with a group of group of four girls, two of which were obviously twins, and another of which was-
"An elf?!" Kazuma said, taking a step back from the silver haired girl. She went scarlet as the boy glared, but Kazuma corrected himself. "No, wait, half elf. What the heck?!"
"Kazuma, you do recall what All Might said, don't you?" Darkness whispered in his ear, pulling him away from the other group. "This is the building where the people from another world are staying."
"Oh, right," Kazuma said. He stuck his hand out. "Sato Kazuma. From Belzerg. Which goddess shanghaied you people into this?"
That made the boy and the other girls relax slightly, which was good because the blue haired twin had pulled out a giant ball and chain from nowhere.
"Um, Natsuki Subaru. I guess I'm originally from Japan, but I've been living in Lugnica for a while. And er, we got pulled into this by Director Nagano."
They shook hands, and Kazuma had the oddest sensation of deja vu. "Have we… met before?"
"I don't… think so?" Subaru said, frowning. "Oh, sorry! This is Lady Emillia, I'm her knight, the twins are Rem and Ram, our close companions, and this is our friend Felt."
"Oh, so she gets a lady, but I don't?" Felt demanded, but then smiled and winked. "How'd ya do? Glad we're not the only ones those jerk gods dragged into this place."
"The short one with a hair trigger temper is Megumin, the tall pervert is Darkness, and the dummy over there is Aqua," Kazuma said, which made Subaru laugh and his companions blush.
"Barasu, I think this one is nearly as dumb and rude as you are," Ram remarked. She was nearly identical to her sister, save that her hair was pink instead of blue, and hung over her left eye. Well, and she didn't have a giant ass weapon in her hands.
"Kazuma! That is not a proper introduction! If we are going to be dating, you're going to have to learn to respect my culture!" Megumin informed him, poking Kazuma in the side.
He sighed heavily and stood up on one leg, waving his hands about. "Behold, I'm Kazuma. Master of a billion skills and slayer of the devil king, yada yada yada. Better?"
Subaru and his friends stared at Kazuma in bafflement, but the latter hid a smile. Megumin looked smug, and she was cute when she did that.
"Hmph. It needs work. Come, we shall go to school and practice your poses."
"Later," Kazuma called to Subaru. "See ya around. Oh, and just so you know, they know. We're in for a weird ass day."
"I knew Mineta would talk!" Felt growled. "Ohhh, he's gonna get it!"
"Is not Mineta the pervert that Uraraka warned us about?" Darkness asked as they descended the stairs.
"Why, I thought you had a boyfriend?" Kazuma quipped, then laughed when Darkness flushed. His humor ended when he saw who was waiting on the sidewalk, leaning on his axe. "You."
"Oh great, you live here too?" Bakugo said, scowling at Kazuma. It was sort of hard to tell if that meant he was irritated, as that seemed to be the volatile boy's default expression.
"Maybe, what's it to you?" Kazuma demanded, sticking his chin out and glaring up at Bakugo.
"I'm waiting for Iris," Bakugo growled.
"Why? What are you going to try with my little sister?" Kazuma snapped.
"I could blow him up," Megumin offered, giving Bakugo a vicious grin. "Show him who the REAL mistress of Explosion magic is!"
Bakugo cocked his head to one side. "Wait. Are you Komekko's sister? She was always on about her crazy ass explosion sister. Thought you'd be. I dunno. Taller? Older? Whatever."
That made Megumin's eyes go very wide, and she clutched at Kazuma, looking dazed.
"She IS Komekko's sister, you jerk! What's it to you?" Kazuma snapped.
"I owe her. She saved my ass a few times." Bakugo worked his jaw for a moment, then bowed stiffly to Megumin. "You need something fragged, you tell me. I'll help. Your sister… I was there when she died. Hell of a blast. Best I've ever seen. She was… well, the best damn wizard I've known."
"I always knew she would be better than me," Megumin whispered. She bit her lip, looking up at Kazuma.
A part of Kazuma's anger at Bakugo, or rather, his general frustration at his current lot in life, softened slightly. "Why don't we wait with Bakugo," he said quietly. "I'd like to hear about Komekko too."
"I ain't much of one for stories. Shit. But I guess I got time."
Author's Note
Thus ends Act 1 of Season 2. Up next:
THE HEROES OF THE SOVIET YUNYUN!
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Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2020
Chapter 26: I serve the Soviet Yunyun[img: . ]
I Serve the Soviet Yunyun
Arise, sons and daughters of Belzerg! Arise for the People, and defend our motherland from the wretched invaders!
-Some girl (probably Yunyun)
Yunyun had to work hard to hold back tears as she took her place in the judgement seat. Why
did Megumin have to be so mean after all these years? They were good friends and rivals in all things, Yunyun knew that, but she still felt like an outsider with Megumin's friends. True, Kazuma, Darkness, Aqua, and even Eris were kind to her and they did have fun, but they were still Megumin's friends, not Yunyun's friends.
"I just wish I had a good friend," Yunyun sighed. She looked hopefully at the empty chair before her. "Maybe this Katsuki Bakugo will be a good person, someone I can-"
"THE HELL IS HAPPENING!" the boy roared as soon as he appeared, standing and lighting off an explosion in what should have been an untouchable plane of existence for a mortal soul. "WHAT THE FUCK EVEN WAS THAT!" He stood there, panting, looking vicious as Yunyun looked at him wide eyed, shrinking back in her seat. "Ok. Who the hell are you, and where the fuck am I?"
"I-I-I am Yunyun, D-disciple of Eris, G-G-G-goddess of Fortune," Yunyun managed to hiccup. She took a deep breath, trying to regain some semblance of calm or visage of peace. "I am very sorry, but you have died."
"What!? Bullshit! I was just about to kick Deku's ass and win the Sports Festival!" Bakugo ranted, more explosions bursting from his palms, making Yunyun squeak. "Fuck that noise! You send me right back, you hear me?! I'm not getting killed off like some useless extra!"
"Um, I n-need you to calm down, please, sir?" Yunyun managed. "I-I can't send you back, you really are dead."
"Well how the hell did I even die?" Bakugo demanded, glaring at Yunyun.
"Um, according to the list I have… you blew up," Yunyun slowly explained, holding up her clipboard like a shield.
"Now I KNOW you're bullshitting! I couldn't have blown myself up, I'm not a goddamn moron!" Bakugo snarled, ripping the clipboard out of Yunyun's hands to see for himself. His eyes flew over it, and he scowled. "The hell? A black hole? Where the hell did-"
"Paralyze!" Yunyun snapped, and Bakugo stiffened, before falling over. She retrieved her clipboard, standing over Bakugo and planting her hands on her hips. "Now you listen here! I'm a representative of Eris! You will behave, or I'll just send you to hell or reincarnate you as a worm! You understand me?!"
Bakugo jerked a nod, his eyes smoldering with anger, and Yunyun released her spell. "Now sit down!" she ordered.
"Fine," Bakugo bit out. He slumped in the chair, still glaring at Yunyun. "So. I'm dead. What the fuck happens now? I'm not going to heaven, that's asinine bullshit for goody two shoes like Deku."
"Well, according to this, you should go straight to hell. You were a bully and a tyrant, who abused others who were weaker than you. Plus, you told your only true friend to kill himself," Yunyun explained as if it was obvious, flipping through her paperwork. "If you decide to be reincarnated, the best I can do is a dog. And not even a mid-sized one."
"To hell with both of those! Make me an eternal warrior or some shit!" Bakugo demanded. "What about Valhalla? That's the only fuckin' afterlife that ever sounded halfway decent to me."
Yunyun frowned heavily at that, reading over Bakugo's stats carefully. Very good all around, with a large spike in Dexterity… but he had a magic spell. That was exceptionally odd, people from Japan weren't supposed to have magic spells. And it was Explosion of all things; Megumin's spell.
"Are you an archwizard?" Yunyun asked, uncertain. He didn't have a class listed, but to learn Explosion you basically had to be an archwizard.
"What? No! I'm not 30! I'll get laid before I'm out of highschool, just you watch you dumb bitch!" Bakugo snapped.
"Unlikely, considering your personality and the fact that you're dead," Yunyun muttered under her breath. As she saw Bakugo's expression darken, and she quickly continued, "No, that's not what I mean. I mean, are you an Adventurer?"
Bakugo just glared and Yunyun sighed.
"Look, are you a strong fighter? You have this spell here, Explosion. That's high level magic; I didn't think people from Japan could learn it."
"Strong fighter? I'm the strongest damn kid at UA!" Bakugo snarled, but that meant nothing to Yunyun. "Explosion isn't magic, it's my quirk, obviously!" Bakugo lit off a series of blasts from his hands, making Yunyun wince and wave the smoke away from her face again, wondering if she was missing some kind of context.
"Well, um, there is… one other option," Yunyun admitted, before she winced, thinking back to what Eris had said. Strong Adventurers only. This Bakugo seemed strong, but… "Do you think you could defeat the Lord of the Tomb?"
"What?" Bakugo asked, frowning at the sudden topic change. "That some villain? Sure, I can kick his ass."
"He's not… some villain," Yunyun said, feeling sick. "He's an undead lich of incredible power, perhaps even a dark god. He is the Overlord of a hundred worlds. One of them… it was my home. My family… he slaughtered them. To this day, his minions rule that world, and humanity has nearly gone extinct. He keeps them in camps, aside from a few scattered bands of rebels. We… we have a plan to free the world, but… it's incredibly dangerous. You could easily die again, and this time there would be no coming back. There are other, less dangerous worlds that need heroes too, so if-"
"No, I'll kick that bastard's ass!" Bakugo swore. "But you gotta send me back to UA, you hear? I'm still going to become the world's greatest hero, the strongest man in the world, greater even than All Might!"
Yunyun hesitated again, but she forced herself to think rationally. Bakugo really was the strongest, most aggressive person she'd come across. But he also shouted his words with a conviction she'd rarely ever heard. If anyone could do it, perhaps he could. "Alright. I shall also grant you a Divine Blessing, a magic item or ability to aid you in your quest, brave hero. For this we have special, Sacred Treasures. Ones that my patron goddess has forged for such a dire time of need."
Yunyun waved her hand, and a dozen powerful artifacts appeared, hovering in the air before them. Bakugo glanced at them, before grabbing the nearest one, a large, double headed axe made of gleaming red metal. "This one's fine. I won't need it. Just send me off already."
"Wait!" Yunyun insisted, raising an arm. "Please, listen. When you arrive, you will be immediately attacked in all likelihood. The Lord of the Tomb has left one of his Generals, known as the Demiurge to guard the world I'm sending you to. He is cunning. He has zero regard for holding back. It is likely a kill squad of strong monsters will appear on top of you in moments. So, first, I'll show you how to use Vaelastrasz the Red."
Bakugo glanced at Yunyun, experimentally swinging the axe a few times. "Seems easy enough. Put sharp edge in dumbass. Repeat as needed."
"That isn't just an axe. That is merely a vessel, containing within it the spirit of a powerful red dragon," Yunyun explained. "When you focus, you may call forth Vaelastrasz from the axe, and he shall aid you in battle."
"I don't need any fucking help," Bakugo snapped. "Just send me off! I'll ice these bastards in an instant and get back to UA in time for the final round!"
"Bakugo, this won't be a simple or single fight. This is a war that has entire worlds lost in the fray. The Lord of the Tomb's forces have slain gods. And not just one or two: dozens of gods and goddesses; entire pantheons have fallen before them. Demiurge by himself killed several powerful deities and their chosen champions, to say nothing of the armies he fields." Yunyun told him. "Just… listen, OK? I'm going to send you first to an area to train. It's here in the Divine Realm, so you'll only be able to stay there for a short time, but it should still be enough for you to hopefully gain some experience with your weapon while we gather allies to aid you. You cannot go alone."
"The fuck I can't, I don't need a damn team!" Bakugo snarled.
Yunyun shook her head. "You still don't understand. I am a powerful Archwizard. I, along with the five other strongest heroes of Belzerg fought the Lord of the Tomb. Then we died, all of us. My friend, Megumin? She could create explosions hundreds of times more powerful than what I've seen you use. In the end, it didn't work. But we have to free Belzerg. So, just wait, alright?"
"That's not the point you little-!"
Yunyun waved again, and sent Bakugo into the small pocket space to practice. She sighed. How long he would remain there, she didn't know. But this was the best chance of success she'd found in a while.
She judged dozens of other souls that day, from across a myriad of worlds. It was as exhausting as you could imagine, with few positive upsides. Most of them simply chose to be reincarnated or sent to an afterlife, a couple were willing to go save worlds, but none were truly strong enough to help in Eris' plan.
Until Hanta Sero arrived. At first, Yunyun didn't think much of him, he was just a goofy looking kid, blinking in the light, lost and confused. Then she realized he was wearing the exact same set of clothes as Bakugo had been.
"What?" Sero muttered, blinking and looking around. His eyes fixed on Yunyun, and he quickly blushed. "Oh! Um, hi. Er, don't suppose you could tell me where I am? Last thing I remember, I was at the Sports Festival."
"Hanta Sero, I regret to inform you that you have died," Yunyun said gently. "I am Yunyun, representative of the Goddess Eris."
That made the boy laugh. "Ha! Good one! Died! Well, I guess you're cute enough to be a goddess or something. Alright, seriously though, what happened? I felt a tugging, and then… oh. Oh man. You're serious, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am afraid you are quite dead," Yunyun reiterated, though not unkindly. "Again, I am sorry. You lived a good life, and tried your best to make a difference. Because of this, I have the option to send you to heaven, or reincarnate you, but… I have to ask-do you know Katsuki Bakugo?"
"What? Him? I mean, yeah, of course. He's in… WAS, in my class at school. Wait, he didn't-did that son of a b-bunny blow us all up?" Sero demanded, scowling and folding his arms over his chest. "I thought I heard a bang."
"No, you were killed when you were sucked into a black hole," Yunyun told Sero. She then frowned at his paper, then studied the boy more carefully. His elbows… "It says here you have a skill, Tape. What is that, exactly?"
"Oh, that's just my quirk, see?" Sero lifted his arm, showing his elbow more clearly to Yunyun. It looked like a dispenser of some sort, and a bit of tape came out of it, which Sero tore off to demonstrate. "Pretty cool, huh? Not the flashiest Quirk out there, but I practiced damn hard to get good with it! I even got into UA! I'm gonna be a hero one day, and-" He cut himself off, his expression falling.
"You can still be a hero," Yunyun reassured Sero. "You have the chance to go to another world, to save it from the forces of evil. It is an offer we make, to those who die tragic deaths too young."
"Well shoot, that sounds great!" Sero said, suddenly enthusiastic. "Of course I'll help fight off evil! What, is there some villain or something attacking people? I mean, I'm just a hero in training, but I'll help, that's what heros do!"
"Are you certain? How strong a fighter are you?" Yunyun asked, honestly curious.
Sero puffed out his chest. "Listen, I don't mean to brag, but I did pretty good on the UA entrance exam! Sure, I didn't score as high as Bakugo, but I took out a lot of those robots, even saved a few people! Whoever these villains are, don't worry! Between my quirk and the training I have, I'll probably be able to handle it!"
Yunyun nodded slowly. "There are two options then. First, you could go to a world that is not so dangerous, but one that still faces an evil threat. Or… or you could go to my home, Belzerg, to save it from the Lord of the Tomb and the Demiurge."
"Your home? Will you be there?" Sero blurted. He flushed and looked away. "Um, not that I would try anything, but, you know, you're pretty cute for a goddess. I mean, um, sure! I'll fight the Lord of the Tomb and the Demiurge."
"It will be very dangerous," Yunyun cautioned Sero, not acknowledging the remarks he made lest she become an unbefitting mess. "Many have died before and failed attempting what I'm offering. Great champions, even gods haven't succeeded in doing it yet. I died myself, fighting the Lord of the Tomb. But… it's the only chance we really have to save what remains of humanity in Belzerg. Will you still take this chance, Sero?
"Yes. I'll do it," Sero said seriously, hands resting on his knees. "I can't make any promises, this guy sounds tough. But I wouldn't be able to call myself a Hero-in-Training if I put off something dangerous just because I was afraid of failure. I'll give it my best shot."
"You will not go alone, nor unarmed," Yunyun told Sero. She waved her hand, and the Sacred Weapons appeared. She blinked. There were ten instead of the expected eleven. What had happened to the other one?
"Oh man, these look really cool," Sero marveled, looking at each of the offerings. "Um, which one do you think would be best? I mean, you know this guy and I've never really thought about using a weapon before. What should I pick?"
Yunyun bit her lip, looking around at the weapons. Then she sighed. "You should choose me."
"Huh?" Sero looked up, going red again. "You?! I mean, that would be really cool, but I mean, I don't want you to be my servant or something, even if you are a cute girl and all, but that makes it worse and-"
"Sero, this is my home I'm asking you to save. I know it better than anyone," Yunyun told him. "And the people there are my friends and family. At least, those few who remain. I want to help save them. I… I want to have a second chance. Normally, this isn't allowed, but… if you choose me, I can come with you. I'm really strong, I promise! I know advanced magic, like Teleport, Cursed Lightning, or Light of Saber. Please, let me help save my world."
Sero considered that for a moment, then nodded. "Alright. I choose you, Yunyun. So what do we-"
Bakugo appeared next to them seeming to scream at his axe as he did so. "-not gonna sit around on my ass, waiting for-"
"Holy crap!" Sero cried, jumping away from the ranting boy. "Bakugo!? What the hell?!"
"So soon?" Yunyun squeaked. She'd thought she would have time to say goodbye to Megumin and the others, but it seemed Eris was already enacting her own plan.
"Be ready, brave heroes," Yunyun said. "We go now to Belzerg! Our enemies will attack us as soon as-"
"Office Supply? The fuck?!" Bakugo snarled. "What's your dumbass doing here?"
"I died, same as you, I guess," Sero shrugged, paying more attention to the circle carving itself into the floor. "Geez, what's going on, Yunyun?"
"Who cares, let's blow shit up!" Bakugo laughed as the light enveloped them.
A moment later, Yunyun found herself standing on a familiar hill, overlooking what should have been a familiar , it made her stomach turn to lead and her eyes burn. Below them, across the scorched and blasted earth, stood the blighted ruins of what had once been the Crimson Demon Village.
Once, the Crimson Demon Village had been a prosperous, if a bit queer town. Yunyun could remember it fondly, even if her people's antics often embarrassed her. Her home, the school, the shops, even the park she had spent many an afternoon with Megumin at. It was all destroyed, blighted with undead corruption, the buildings little more than burned out foundations. Nothing alive moved in the ruins, only dark shadows cast by the shambling forms of zombies and broken memories.
"Get ready!" Yunyun shouted, summoning forth a protective barrier. "They shall arrive at any moment!"
"What, there's no one here but us!" Bakugo snapped, looking around warily. "Shit, what's going on?"
"I don't know, but I think we should listen," Sero gritted, falling into a fighting stance and looking for high points around them.
"Yeah, well, bring it on!" Bakugo growled, letting his axe fall to the ground as he smacked his fist into a smoldering palm.
"Bakugo! Your weapon!" Yunyun hissed.
"Got what I need right here, Tits McGee," Bakugo laughed.
"Dude, not right now," Sero growled.
There was no time for Yunyun to be embarrassed or fret, as not far away, a large horde of undead suddenly appeared in a flash of light.
"LIGHT OF SABER!" Yunyun cried, firing out a brilliant sword made of pure magic at their foes.
"DIE!" Bakugo roared, using an explosion to hurl himself forward, laughing as he fell amidst the remaining undead. For a moment, Yunyun thought he was going to die in moments, but Bakugo started to unleash blasts all about him, methodically destroying the dreadknights around him.
"Dammit dude, don't drop head-first into a mass of zombies, you're going to get yourself killed!" Sero cried, then tape streamed from his arms. He grabbed two undead warriors that had been about to attack Bakugo, then yanked hard, tossing them high into the air.
"Cursed Lighting!" Yunyun shouted, blasting the lifted Dreadknights from the air.
"Nice! 'Another set, coming your way!" Sero called, sending two more giant skeletons flying for Yunyun to shoot down.
It was over in seconds, Bakugo standing amidst the broken remains of the undead, panting and grinning viciously as he crushed a fallen skull beneath his boot. "That was great! Come on, you were talking all that bad shit earlier! I was just getting started!"
"No, we have to move, and fast!" Yunyun vehemently disagreed, hurrying down the hill. "There's a plan, we have to follow it! I just hope Eris and the other team can succeed where she sent them."
"A plan?" Sero asked, hurrying after Yunyun. "What sort of plan?"
"Does it involve stomping more of those assholes?" Bakugo asked, picking up his axe and swaggering along. "That was actually pretty fun, Tits, we should-"
Sero suddenly turned, his tape flying out to wrap around Bakugo's legs. The other boy swore, face planting in the dirt. Sero walked over, crouching over his irate companion. "Alright. Couple things. One, her name is Yunyun. Try it. It's not that hard."
"Fuck you, Tape Arms!" Bakugo snarled as he struggled to stand.
"Two, I'm Sero. Also; not that hard. And three? Bakugo, get your head out of your ass. In case you couldn't tell, this world has gone to shit. Um, no offense Yunyun."
"No, you're right. It sickens me. I almost…" Yunyun bit back a sob. She couldn't cry, not now. She'd shed her tears, and she had a job to do.
Bakugo looked up at Sero, a savage grin on his face. "Yeah, and what are you going to do about it? Think you can beat me?"
"No, I probably can't. I got in a cheap shot or two, but we both know how a fight between you and me would end. I admit it, you're stronger than me, Bakugo. But man, this is not the place to alienate your allies. Look, I want to save this world. Maybe get back to our own somehow. But to do that, we're going to need to work together. You're one tough bastard, but I don't think even you can fight an endless zombie horde, do you?"
Bakugo considered that. "So, you got a point to this?"
"Yes, Bakugo, obviously," Sero said, rolling his eyes. "One of us can make tape. The other one of us can blow up a building with a squeeze of your palm. I think it's pretty obvious who's got the bigger stick. But I think you'll need my help, and Yunyun's. All I ask is that you treat me with just a little respect, OK?"
"Alright. You've at least got some spine. I think I can work with that," Bakugo said, standing and giving Sero a vicious smile. "But you try shit like that again and I'll kick your ass, got it?"
"Fine. Come on. Where are we going, Yunyun?" Sero asked.
"This way, quickly," Yunyun said, leading them through the ruins of the town. As they went, ghouls, ghosts, and other ghastly creatures came at them, but they were lower level than the Dread Knights from earlier and were easy to handle.
"Shit, this axe might actually be good for something." Bakugo admitted after using it to cleave a skeleton in half. "I like it."
"You've not even begun to tap into it's power," Yunyun told him. "I thought we would have more time to train, but things are happening quickly. I'm not sure why. This way, it's in the old vault."
Yunyun led them to what had once been the hill of the Demon God, where the Clan had kept a Dark God sealed, until Megumin and her little sister had let it out.
"This is the place," Yunyun said, pointing to rock with an odd imprint at the top. "Once, there was a Dark God sealed here, one that attempted to destroy the village and the world. Now, something else rests here. The key to saving Belzerg."
"What is it, a bunch of guns or some shit?" Bakugo demanded, going over to the rock. He cocked his head to one side, then slapped his palm into the impression, creating a minor blast.
Yunyun jerked forward, too late to stop him "No! Don't, you'll trigger-"
There were flashes all around the hilltop as dark robed figures appeared.
"LIGHT OF SABRE!" a dozen voices roared.
But Sero had already been moving, using his tape to grab Bakugo and Yunyun and flung all of them down the side of the hill toward a cluster of thorn bushes.
"Wait, please!" Yunyun cried, standing up, brambles sticking out in her hair. "Don't kill us! We're friends! Friends!"
"Behold foul creatures! I am Komekko! Mightiest Sage of the Crimson Demon Clan, she who guards the resting place of the dark god!" one of the robed figures cried, striking a dramatic pose and raising a hand, gnarled and wrinkled from old age. "Who dares-
Quickly, Yunyun stood on one leg, her eyes flashing with crimson light. "Behold! I am Yunyun! She who has ascended to the realm of the gods, mistress of advanced magic! I have returned, once more, to fulfill the prophecy, and lead my people to salvation as is my destiny!"
There were mutters from the robbed figures, but Bakugo snorted. "What the fuck is all this? You a bunch of otaku RPers or some shit?"
"He disdains the way of the clan!" another robed figure snarled, a ball of fire forming in their hands. "Shall we strike them down, grandmother?"
"No," Komekko said slowly, lowering her hood. Seeing her friend's little sister again both made Yunyun's heart leap with joy, and shudder in pain. Gone was the sweet little girl she once knew. Before Yunyun stood a veteran of a hundred battles; her features were beaten and weathered by time and war. Her eyes still glowed with Crimson light, and her gait was steady and firm as she made her way down the hill towards Yunyun. "Can it really be? Is it you, after all this time?"
Tears filled Yunyun's eyes, and she ran forward, embracing Komekko. "I'm back. I'm so, so sorry. We tried, we tried so hard, but even Megumin's Explosion wasn't enough…"
"I know," Komekko said gently, giving Yunyun a tight squeeze. "No one's magic was. But you are here, now. That's all that matters. Tell me, who are your companions?"
"I'm Hanta Sero, and this is-"
"Bakugo. Now why doesn't someone tell us what the hell is going on? Why is Yunyun acting like granny here is her long lost friend or whatever? Who the fuck are you people?"
"We are what remains of the Crimson Demon Clan," Komekko said, drawing herself up to look down at Bakugo with a steely red gaze. "The last guardians of humanity in this world. You are here for her, then?"
Yunyun nodded. "Yes. This is our last, best chance. Eris should be going to the other two to try to rally what resistance we can. How… how many more of us are left?"
"This is it, save for those too injured or young to take the field," Komekko said grimly. "These are my children and grandchildren. The last remnants of the Clan. Our allies have all fallen in battle. But, if it is time, I shall surrender my burden to you, Yunyun. All hail Yunyun, Last Chief of the Crimson Demons!"
"Glory to the Crimson Demon Clan! Glory to Yunyun!" the others intoned in sync, bowing.
Yunyun winced. "I don't deserve that title. You do, Komekko. I was dead, for a long time. You're what held our people together."
"No. I merely kept watch while we waited for your return." The old woman hesitated, then asked, "My sister?"
"I don't know. Maybe she's with Eris," Yunyun admitted.
"Well. Then the Dark Goddess watches over us still," Komekko said with a relieved smile. "May her magic reign destruction upon our foes."
"Okay, sure. Why not. Congrats on being leader to fifteen whole still haven't explained just why the fuck I should care about this bastard chilling in a rock.? I want to go find more of those undead bastards to blow up," Bakugo droned, striding to the top of the hill. "So what do we do now?"
"Only the blood of the Clan may open the way," Komekko said, nodding to Yunyun. "Enter the vault. We shall stand guard up here."
Yunyun took out her silver dagger, slicing a cut onto her palm, then pressing it into the indentation. Why did her people have to be so dramatic? Well, this time at least, the production was generally needed, and wasn't something most regular people would think to do, so she understood the precautions. The rock cracked in half, revealing a staircase that descended into darkness.
"Come on," she said, summoning up a small glowing light in her palm. "It's time to tell you why we're here."
"To kick ass!" Bakugo laughed.
"To save the world?" Sero guessed.
"Yes. To drive the forces of the Lord of the Tomb from Belzerg forever," Yunyun agreed.
"Right, I still really don't care who that is," Bakugo said with a shrug. "I kill them, you return me to life. It's simple."
"Maybe, but who is the Lord of the Tomb?" Sero asked as they made their way down a long, dark corridor.
"He is… most do not say his name," Yunyun whispered. "It is dangerous, for to do so draws his attention.. But, here, behind this many seals specifically repel his magic, it should be safe. He is Ainz Ooal Gown, Overlord of the Great Tomb of Nazarick. One day, he attacked Belzerg."
"Right, and killed your ass," Bakugo nodded. "So you need other schmucks to help you out."
"Bakugo, think for just a second. She's got a hell of a powerful quirk. If she failed, how could we succeed?" Sero asked.
"Because I actually know how to fight worth a damn. If he's undead or whatever, that just means it'll be easier to crush em to dust!" Bakugo snapped.
"What happened after that then?" Sero asked, ignoring Bakugo's belligerence for a moment. "Your people, they resisted him?"
"Yes. Others tried to negotiate. They were all slain or enslaved in short order." Yunyun gravely explained. They came to a console, completely out of place in the otherwise rocky cave. She picked up the controller. "Um, let's see if I can remember. Er, Down, Up, Right… how did it go?"
"Wait, are you supposed to put a code into this?" Sero asked. "Try Up Down Up Down Left Right Left Right B A Start Select."
"Oh, right! I don't know how you know our village's mystic code, but thank you!" Yunyun quickly put in the code, and the doors before them hissed open.
"That shit doesn't fit here," Bakugo growled. "Fucking Konami Code as a Password? Really?"
"It is," Yunyun admitted. "My clan was founded by a man from Japan who altered our genetic code through his chosen Blessing. I learned of it while in the Divine Realm. Some relics from your land persist here. This is one of them. Come. We need to free the last hope of Belzerg."
"I thought we were the last hope of Belzerg!" Bakugo snapped.
"Well, in a way you are, but for Belzerg to be freed, the bloodline of heroes will need to sit once more on the throne," Yunyun said without really explaining anything, as they entered the final chamber. In the center, a great glass tank stood, a cylinder that glowed with a strange blue light, a shadowy figure within it.
"Oh, this bullshit better not be what's left of the king or some shit." Bakugo growled, already sick of the whole thing. He spat to the side, glaring at the tank. "I'm not carting around some noble asshat."
"Bakugo, just wait," Sero cautioned. "Who is this person? Your last hope?"
"My friend," Yunyun sighed. "The last of the royal bloodline. Iris Shining Sword Belzerg."
"That's their name?" Bakugo laughed. "That's fucking stupid, who names their kid-"
Yunyun activated the console, causing steam and smoke to hiss from the tank.
AWAKENING SUBJECT. CONFIRM? An electronic voice warbled.
"Confirm, the Prophecy of Eris shall be fulfilled," Yunyun replied.
ACKNOWLEDGED. AWAKEN, QUEEN OF BELZERG.
Liquid gurgled from the tank, revealing within it a petite girl of about 16 years of age, hanging suspended in the tank by several wires, wearing only a skin tight bodysuit.
"Well shit," Bakugo commented as he gazed at the tank with an approving expression and a hand on his chin. "You didn't say she was hot. Nice tits too."
"Bakugo!" Sero hissed, having turned his back, his face flushed red. "She's royalty or something!"
"Yeah, sexy huh?" Bakugo mused. "Well, whatever. How do we get her out of there? Need me to-"
Iris' eyes suddenly opened, glowing with power. The tank shattered in an explosion of magical energy as a sword formed in her hand. She strode from her prison, her wet feet slapping on the metal floor.
Yunyun sank to her knees, bowing her head. "Your highness."
"Yunyun," Iris said calmly. "I see you have returned. What of my elder brother? Lady Dustiness? The Goddesses? Megumin?"
"They are not here, my liege," Yunyun said, keeping her eyes on the floor. "I… I offer you the support, as Chief of the Crimson Demon Clan, I pledge our spells to you."
"Um, I'm Hanta Sero. I, er, guess I'm a hero, for the time being? I promise to help you defeat the Lord of the Tomb, Lady Iris."
Iris' gaze then shifted to Bakugo, who was leaning on his axe, a bored expression on her face. "And you?"
"If you need someone to kick ass, I'm your guy," Bakugo drawled. "Or if you get lonely. You're not half bad looking."
"I see. And you think yourself worthy of me?" Iris demanded, her mouth forming into a thin line.
Bakugo chuckled. "Well, I just got here, so my body count ain't that high yet, but trust me, I'll bring you the head of this Heinz asshole or whatever his name is. Shit, maybe I'll even stick around for a bit after if this is entertaining enough."
"And yet, you do not bow," Iris mused. "You must think highly of yourself."
"Bitch, you are gonna-"
Yunyun gritted her teeth as her ears popped from the deafening explosion as Iris unleashed her Divine Sword Skill, and she had to blink away stars from the flash.
"Oh, hell yeah!" Bakugo laughed, his axe held up to block the blow, his other hand bracing against the flat side. "Now this is more like it! Come on! You want to play?"
"I shall teach you manners if you insist upon being so disrespectful," Iris said coldly, her sword grating against Bakugo's blade.
"Bakugo!" Sero hissed. "What are you doing!?"
"Seeing if Blondie deserves to be queen!" Bakugo roared. He flexed his hands, spraying droplets of sweat everywhere, and Yunyun let out a cry and dropped to the ground as they all detonated.
"Teleport!" Yunyun cried as the chamber began to collapse around them.
They appeared outside in the center of the Crimson Demon Village. A few skeletons and zombies looked up, then were instantly incinerated as Bakugo and Iris clashed again, muscles straining.
"Ah come on little girl!" Bakugo taunted as he flew through the air, his explosions propelling him along. "I thought you were going to teach me a lesson! Step it up!"
"It seems I will indeed need to beat some respect into that obnoxious skull of yours. Do try to survive," Iris stated, then launched herself skyward with a a leap that made the earth fragment and tremble, her sword a blaze of light. "Sacred Explode!"
"DIE!" Bakugo roared, as the air was rent asunder.
"What is he doing?!" Yunyun cried, crouching down in the muck and looking on in horror at the devastation the two were causing. Just watching Iris throw that sword of hers around made her shoulders ache. It was bigger than Iris by half a meter! "They're going to attract the forces of the Tomb!"
"Yeah, don't think he really cares about that right now. He's kind of an asshole," Sero admitted. "In case you didn't notice."
"Your friend is insane!" Yunyun wailed as she watched Bakugo fake a swipe with his axe, then tense his right leg and snap it into Iris's stomach. She took the hit, then headbutted Bakugo square in the nose. "Why did I bring him here?!"
"Making a lot of assumptions there," Sero sighed. "We're classmates, sure. Teammates? For now. Friends? Yeah, I don't think Bakugo has friends."
"I can see why!" Yunyun screeched, unable to look away from the two titans clashing in the sky. Iris sliced Bakugo shallowly across the abdomen, making him bellow, but he blasted her in the head before she could get away. Yunyun could smell the stink of burned hair from where she stood. "And here I thought I was friendless!"
Sero frowned at Yunyun. "Komekko seemed to like you. And these other people you talked about, they're your friends, right?"
"Um, sort of," Yunyun admitted, wringing her hands. She thought about trying to use a spell, but both Bakugo and Iris were zipping about too fast for her to get a good shot. "I… I'm not very good with people. Megumin was my friend, but… well…"
"Oh. Well, I mean, I'll be your friend. N-not like, a boyfriend! Just, you know, I could use a friend right about now. Since Jerkass over there is about to get himself killed," Sero cautiously spoke, not wanting to make it sound like a come-on.
Yunyun glanced at Sero, and managed to smile. "I would like that. But do not think you can trick me! I have read lots of books, I know friends do not let each other take advantage of them!"
"Yeah, ok. But, um, should we do something about… you know? That?" Sero gestured vaguely at the sky, which still crackled and flashed like a thunderstorm.
Suddenly, both Bakugo and Iris crashed down to the ground, both of them breathing hard and bleeding from dozens of wounds or burns respectively.
"For a crazy bitch, you're not half bad," Bakugo panted, a wide grin on his face as he wiped a hand across his mouth, blood smearing across his face from a broken nose and a bloodied lip, succeeding only in making him look more manic.
"For an uncouth commoner, you are decently skilled," Iris said, tapping her sword against her bare leg. Her hair was burned and blackened, and there were cuts and bruises all over her body, one eye nearly swollen shut already.
"Will you two just stop!?" Yunyun demanded, running forward. "You're going to-"
"Yunyun!" Komekko cried, appearing in their midst. "We must go! Foolish children! You have attracted Demiurge himself! We must go, now!"
"Oh fuck you, I'm just finished getting warmed up!" Bakugo cackled. "Bring it on! I'll blow them straight back to Hell!"
"I did not awaken to hide," Iris snarled. "Show me the Demiurge! I shall slay him where he stands!"
Komekko glanced back and forth between the two battered teens, and rolled her eyes. She pointed a finger at each. "Sleep."
Both Bakugo and Iris slumped over, and more Crimson Demons appeared, picking them up.
"Come, my Chief," Komekko said, taking Yunyun's hand. "We must leave. Teleport!"
As the world vanished in a burst of light, Yunyun had to wonder just what she'd gotten herself into.
Commissar's Note
Greetings, comrades. We shall return to glorious Mother Belzerg for Six Chapters, to cleanse the rodina of the reactionary forces of facism and-
Yes? Not communists? Crimson Demons you say? Oh. Well, I'm not giving up the hat. And what are we going to do with all these propaganda posters? I thought we were going to advocate for world socialism! Now you tell me it's world chuunibyoism…
Chapter 27: Stealing the FutureBeta'd and edited by The Evil Within and The Grand Cogitator
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Chapter 27: Stealing the Future
Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the streetwise Belzerg to fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
- The Prophecy of Eris (who steals all of hers)
Mina Ashido blinked, the world coming back into focus. Weird, it was almost like there had been nothing there for a second. Was that someone's quirk? Wait, where even was she right now? What happened to Kirishima and the others?
"I am very sorry, Mina Ashido, but you have-oh!"
Mina's gaze settled on a startled looking young woman sitting in front of her, dressed in some weird hero costume, looking like a cross between a priestess and some kind of idol, or something..
"Oh, hi!" Mina said, giving a winning smile. It was always best to smile, even if you didn't feel like it, and right now Mina really didn't feel like it. Something was wrong. "Are you like, the person who sent me here or something? What happened? Is this your Quirk? What about the Sports Festival?"
The woman shook her head slowly, not taking her eyes off Mina. "I am sorry, but… are you… human?"
That hurt. It always did. Most didn't put it quite that frankly or go that far, but there were always a few people who looked at her funny. She saw the stares, heard the mutters. Mutant. Freak. It was almost funny how much they had to repeat themselves. She forced herself to keep smiling. "Yep! I'm as human as everybody else! Just your regular old heteromorphic type!"
"Heteromorphic type?" the woman asked, glancing down at a clipboard and frowning. "Is that… are you a human subspecies? I thought you were from Japan…"
"Eh? Yeah, I'm from Chiba, I go to UA High. Er, do you really need to know that though? I mean, what else would I be except a human, and wouldn't you know that if you were a hero working with the Sports Festival? Who are you, exactly?" Mina asked cautiously, her smile slipping slightly.
"Oh, I am sorry. I am the Goddess of Fortune, Eris. And I am afraid you have just died, Mina Ashido."
Mina's grin vanished now, and she felt her right eye twitch. "What!?"
"Yes, it seems there was an accident, and you were tragically killed before your time," Eris said solemnly. "You are… excuse me, I have seen many young people from Japan, but you are a most extraordinary individual. Please, can you tell me of yourself? What I have here seems to be incomplete."
"Er, well, I like dancing and music, and I'm in the UA Hero Program." Mina said slowly, almost mechanically, trying to wrap her head around what was going on. She didn't really feel dead, but would she know what that actually felt like? She did remember pain and sudden darkness. Had she really died? No. No way. This was obviously a lie.
"Yes, what about this skill I see listed, Acid. What is that?" Eris asked.
"Huh? That's just my quirk. I make acid," Mina explained, partially coming out of her stupor as she summoned a globule. She sat there and let it race through her grip and thicken between her hands, a grin on her face once more. "See? Pretty cool, huh?"
Eris blinked, her expression one of startlement. "I… yes. This Acid… what can it do?"
"It can-oops!" the acid dripped down onto Mina's chair, immediately biting into it and leaving hissing holes. She winced. "Um, sorry, made it a bit too strong. But, I mean, it's acid. It dissolves stuff. I've totally practiced at spraying it and throwing it, and I'm really good at skating on it! I can usually control how strong it is, but, um, I'm sorta nervous right now, so…"
"Yes, I see." Eris nodded, cocking her head to one side. "You are… hmm. I have never met someone like you before, Ashido, and I have judged thousands of human souls, perhaps millions."
"Thanks?" Mina managed, feeling very uncertain.
"Normally I would offer to send you to heaven or to be reincarnated, but… it seems you present a unique opportunity. You say you were in training to be a hero?"
"Yep! I even got into UAl, pretty cool, huh? My buddy Kirishma made it in too! His quirk is Hardening. He's sorta cute, especially since his makeover, but sometimes I wonder if he even notices me…" Mina blushed, looking away. She was babbling. She did that when she was nervous, but this was a bit much, even for her. Something wasn't right…
"Kirishima, you say?" Eris flipped through her folder. "I see. I will be postponing your judgement, Mina. Relax, to you, it will seem as though no time at all passes."
"Ok," Mina said, frowning. "But why do I-"
She blinked. Eris was gone. After what seemed like an instant, she was back.
"Well, this is most interesting," Eris said, a strange gleam entering her eyes. "Mina, you could pass for someone who wasn't human at all."
Mina decided that maybe she didn't have to smile at Eris, not after a comment like that. "Um, I mean, that's seriously rude to say, but I was going to choose Alien Queen as my hero name, so-"
"Excellent," Eris agreed. "Tell me, would you be willing to save a world in grave danger? Your friend Kirishima has already agreed. I will warn you however, this is a dangerous mission. Many have already failed, including myself. But, there is an evil being known as the Lord of the Tomb who has conquered many worlds. One of them, Belzerg, has a chance to be freed. With your help, Mina, I think we could save Belzerg, and push back the Lord of the Tomb."
"Um, ok, this is getting really weird really quickly." Mina said nervously. "Are you really a goddess?"
Eris gave Mina a gentle smile. "I am. I know this is hard to hear. You were killed suddenly, in an unexpected accident that was not your fault. But I am the goddess of Fortune. Prophecy is not a strong domain of mine, but I believe I foretold your coming. I think you are the hero that this world needs, Ashido. Please, will you help save Belzerg?"
"Ok, I mean, if Kirishima's agreed to coming, it can't be that bad, right?" Mina said with a nervous laugh. "So, um, how does this work?"
"You must choose a blessing to take with you," Eris told Mina with a smile of relief. "Normally, that would be a special item. However, I must ask you to choose me."
"Choose you? What do you mean? You're coming with me, right?" Mina asked blankly, not sure at all what was going on.
"Yes. I must. These vile undead must be stopped, and my followers saved. I would do anything to free Belzerg, Ashido, even lay down my own life. I shall come with you, a light to guide you. Together, we will destroy the Lord of the Tomb, and save humanity for its dark fate," Eris promised.
MIna forced another smile on her face. Nothing made sense, but fighting bad guys? That she understood. "Well, I guess we're going then! I'll do my best, and save people! So yeah, let's go! I pick you, Eris. We'll save Belzerg together!"
A blue circle surrounded them, and Eris' expression became grim. Her clothes shimmered, and even her appearance changed. Her garb changed to filthy rags, and her hair became close cropped and dirty, her body smeared with filth. At the same time, Kirishima appeared beside Mina, a large granite hammer in his hands.
"Ashido!? Wait, you died too? Crap, what happened?" Kirishima gasped.
"Be ready," Eris warned. "When we arrive, foes will most likely immediately surround us. If possible, do not fight them. Claim I am your slave, and that you just teleported in from another of the Lord of the Tombs worlds. If the enemy forces the issue, we must slay them all. Let none escape."
"Wait, we're going to kill people!?" Mina asked, her stomach twisting at this sudden escalation.
Eris shook her head. "We shall be putting them to rest. They are already dead."
Then the blue circle suddenly brightened, and the next thing Mina knew she was standing atop a grassy hill, the bright sun in the sky. She put a hand to her chest, gasping in shock from the sudden transition.
"Quickly, take my chain," Eris hissed to Mina, holding up a length of iron links hooked to a collar around her neck.
"Wait, what?" Mina gasped, frowning. "What's-"
"Kirishima, activate your quirk, and do not turn it off," Eris ordered.
"Oh! Uhh, sure?," Kirishima agreed, and his body transformed into its rocky state.
After a moment of nothing happening, Mina had at least enough time to get acclimated to the new environment, and looked around, baffled, before she spied a town some distance away. It didn't look right though, like something out of a fairytale or video game. For a supposed world full of monsters, things looked downright peaceful. She could see farms and fields closer by, and things looked normal. Well, for a crazy situation like this anyway.
"Woah, this is, um, different. Where are we?"
"Belzerg?" Kirishima guessed. "I mean, I don't-"
Suddenly, a large force of what Mina could only think of as halloween spooks appeared around them. They were giant skeletons with dark metal weapons and shields, and glowing red eyes. One of them, smaller than the others, bore a staff with what Mina really hoped wasn't a real human skull atop it.
"Adventurers! Submit or- wait. Where are the humans?" the skeletal mage hissed.
Eris whimpered and sank to her knees. "Mistress, save me!"
"Woah, hey, who are you guys?" Mina snapped, glaring and summoning a fistful of hissing acid. "What's the big idea, why'd you warp in on top of us?"
"Yeah, who are you callin' human?" Kirishima demanded. It made Mina frown, but she guessed he was already playing along.
"Some sort of magical veil?" the skeletal mage growled, raising the staff. The skulls eyes glowed with an infernal purple light, and then there was a flash.
Mina blinked the small spots out of her eyes, but didn't feel anything actually hurt from it. "Ok, you try and use your quirk on me again, I'll melt your bones to sludge, get it?"
"Quirk?" the mage asked, tilting its head to one side. It glanced down at Eris, its jaw shifting to a more menacing set. "What is this? That one is human."
"She's our slave. We just teleported in from one of the Lord of the Tomb's other worlds," Kirshima explained gruffly, cracking his knuckles menacingly. "Now, are you boys gonna cause trouble, or you gonna let us be?"
"Hmph. A false alarm then. Still. Come. We shall take you to the Duke. He shall decide your fate," the mage rasped.
Seeing as how they were surrounded by a dozen monsters, Mina figured they didn't really have a choice, unless they fought. So she reluctantly followed along, feeling nervous at being surrounded by what were obviously evil abominations. She looked to Eris, but the goddess had her head down, trudging after Mina. She felt a bit bad about the whole collar thing, but hey, it was Eris's own idea.
They came to the town after only a few minutes of walking, and Mina had to fight back a gasp. There were all sorts of strange creatures, from what looked like demons to goblins, more undead, and even a few humans in rags like Eris's doing manual labor.
"Step right up! Fresh humans, fat, and ready to eat!" a bull-like humanoid called, pointing to a batch of slaves in a pen. "Hard workers, if you need them, or a tasty meal on the go! Only 10,000gp each!"
"You eat people!?" Mina gasped, unable to hold it back.
The skeletal mage glanced at her, its skeletal visage unreadable. "Of course. They are humans. You have one yourself. They are little better than fodder."
"Just seems like a waste. They're expensive, and to get big enough to eat, you have to feed them decent food," Kirishima said, his tone light. Mina could tell he was nervous and angry, barely holding it together by how grating his tone was.
"Why do you care? You know our master has decreed humans to be the lowest of beings, a stain upon the worlds. Do you defy the will of Ainz Ooal Gown?"
"No," Mina covered quickly. "Humans were just really rare where we're from. Ours was really expensive. Eating her would be a waste of good money."
Eris let out a dramatic whimper. "Please, do not eat me, master, mistress!"
"You're too skinny to eat," Kirishima said, barking out a manic laugh.
"Hmph. Do with your property as you will then. Feeding is for the living. I care not about such things," the skeleton declared.
He led them through the town, where Mina's heart broke all over again. Humans were reduced to animals, kicked aside by the other races, living in squalor and filth, or worse. They cowered and bowed low, their eyes downcast as they scampered at the edges of the road.
In contrast, the goblins, lizards, undead, and other creatures seemed well cared for, striding about in fine clothing. It was bizarre, a world wholly different than the one Mina knew. There, she was strange. Here, barely anyone gave her a second glance, and yet she felt as though she'd descended into hell.
They were led to a large building at the center of town, which bore upon it a strange mask like emblem.
"You there!" a lizard man growled, coming down the steps. "Lich! The Duke wishes to know, what happened to those Adventurers?"
"I found these two strangers there," the lich replied. "They say they are from another of Nazarick's worlds. They are not from one of the races I recognize."
The lizard man scowled. "Well, what about the human with them? She a slave?"
"Yes, so it seems. I was bringing them to the Duke for interrogation."
"Fine. Get back to work. I got a report someone's selling humans for food at the gates. You know that will piss the Witch off. Get them to knock that off! No eating humans in Axel!"
The lich hissed. "Lord Ainz has declared-"
"That the Duke and the Witch rule Axel. And they say no eating humans! You know the Duke feeds off human emotions, and he and the other demons can't damn well do that if people keep eating them! So do your damn job and stop it. Lousy undead. Come back as bones and suddenly they're above doing their damn jobs. Come on, you two. Duke wants information on any people teleporting into Axel so he can report to Demiurge."
"Fine," Kirishima said, bristling. "We'll talk to this Duke."
They were led inside and up a flight of stairs to a large, well appointed office.
"Oh-hoho, what have you brought before moi, today? A treat, a terrified human or two to dine on?" a masked man chuckled as they entered. He was dressed in an old fashioned tuxedo, with white gloves on his hands.
"This is the group that came in. Only one's human though, obviously. But you wanted to see them, boss, so here they are," the lizard man said with a deep bow.
The Duke peered at them, shaking his head. "Very well. Leave us. Moi shall speak to them alone."
"Right." The lizard man left, shutting the door behind him.
Slowly, the duke moved forward, almost sliding across the floor more than walking, until he was looking down at Eris, who was trembling slightly as she looked up at him, her eyes burning with fury. Then the Duke knelt, bowing his head, hand to his heart. "Goddess, you take a great risk, coming here as yourself. Moi was given to thinking that such things were forbidden now, no? And yet, you bring with you two who are human, yet do not look it. Why is that, moi wonders?"
"You know why, Vanir," Eris growled. "Now are you going to keep our bargain, or is the last thing I do before dying going to be finally cleansing your filth from this world?"
"Oh-ho ho, you wound moi, truly!" Vanir laughed heartily, throwing an arm across his face dramatically. He smiled, then shook his head. "The bargain stands, O luckless goddess of fortune. Truly, this is not the world I sought to create! To kill humans, for no other reason than that they worship strange goddesses, such a waste! But will you fulfill your end of the bargain, moi wonders?"
Eris gritted her teeth, and nodded. "Yes. I'll let you have the death you desire. And Wiz will be restored to life, human once more. Even if you should both be purged like the rest."
"Excellent, excellent! Moi shall call Wiz up immediately. Truly, it astounds moi, that even after all these hundreds of years she manages to let any funds slip through her fingers, an immortal being in perpetual poverty. It is not right!"
A moment later, a beautiful woman who looked entirely human to Mina hurried into the room. "Vanir? What is it, I-OH!" She quickly shut the doors behind her, hurrying over and bowing before Eris. "Goddess, is it time at last? Can we finally free this world, and save the people?"
Tears filled the woman's eyes, and she reached out a trembling hand towards Eris. "I've tried to help them, really, I have! I'm so sorry I couldn't do more, but I thought, maybe, if I agreed to run one of the districts, I could save a few more innocent lives…"
Eris took a deep breath, forcing a calm look onto her face. "I know, Wiz. You know how I feel about demons and the undead. But I will agree to work with you, to save my followers. And, should we succeed, I will see to it that you are granted life once more as a human."
"Why anyone would WANT to live as food again still escapes moi," Vanir mused. "To be little better than cattle, it is-"
That was when Kirishima's fist connected with the Vanir's mask, and literally drove his head through the desk he was standing in front of, the body crashing into a bookshelf beside it and knocking it over. Kirishima stood over the corpse, panting, his eyes filled with tears of rage.
"Don't you DARE finish that sentence! I'll kill every last monster in this town! This is despicable! Come on, Ashido, between the two of us, we can save the people here. We can take these bastards!" Kirishima snarled.
"Damn right!" Mina found herself echoing, acid forming at her fingertips. "I wasn't sure what I was going to do, until I saw that guy selling people for food at the gate! It's horrifying and disgusting, I-"
"WHAT?!" Wiz suddenly shrieked. The temperature plummeted, ice radiating out of her in a wave as a snarl of rage appeared on Wiz's face, her hair flickering to white, the image of a beautiful woman replaced by that of a withered corpse. "I have made it clear… I will return." She vanished in a sudden glow, leaving Mina alone with Eris and Kirishima.
And, apparently, Vanir. "Oh-ho ho!" the mask laughed as the old body crumbled to dust, and a pillar of earth formed beneath it, taking the shape of a man once more. "This boy of stone and flesh, he packs quite a punch, doesn't me? Hmmm, has moi said something to offend you? Truly, you humans are a tiresome lot to manage, how quickly you lash out! Do you not know moi is your ally in this?"
"Screw you! A real man would get out there and fight, he'd save the people, like a hero! We don't need bastards like you to help us either!" Kirshima snapped, hoisting his hammer and striding over to smash Vanir once more.
"Yes, indeed, which is why all the real heroes of Belzerg are dead," Vanir laughed with genuine joy. "But please, continue! Your pain, the futility, the guilt, it is all exquisite! Truly, moi has fed well these past few years. Ah, if only dear Wiz would be content to live in such a world, moi could die in peace!"
"Kirishima," Eris said quietly, putting a hand on the rocky boy's arm. "He's sadly right. I tried fighting the Tomb head on. It resulted in the death of my avatar, and in the death of many of my friends. We have to try another way."
Kirishima hesitated as Vanir's body took on the exact form it had before, down to the old style tux. "But… he's evil, right? Why are we even risking so much trusting him?"
"It pains me to say this, but, Vanir is by far the lesser evil in this situation. He is a vile abomination that I would love nothing more than to suffer for the crimes he has committed, true. But he does not seek the extermination of humanity, nor the death of all gods. Against the Great Tomb, he is our ally."
"Indeed, indeed, and, if moi is not mistaken, traditionally allies are not smashed to pieces at the bargaining table. Though I must say, it has done the job getting my interest raised.," Vanir snickered, giving Kirishima an impudent grin.
Kirishima was about to reply with his hammer, when the wind outside of the window suddenly howled.
"HEAR ME, AXEL. I AM THE FROST WITCH, THE LICH OF BELZERG, GENERAL OF THE DEVIL KING AND LIEUTENANT OF NAZARICK. THIS FOOL WAS CAUGHT SELLING AND CONSUMING HUMAN FLESH IN MY LANDS!"
Outside the window, Mina could see a block of ice floating in midair. With a start, she saw that it contained the bull-man from earlier, a look of terror etched on his features within the ice.
"SUCH IS FORBIDDEN! UPON PAIN OF DEATH, NONE MAY EAT HUMAN FLESH WITHIN MY DOMAIN! LOOK UPON THIS FOOL, AND KNOW AGAIN THE CONSEQUENCES OF VIOLATING MY WILL!"
The block of ice slammed into the center of the square, the bottom half shattering completely while leaving the top still mid-scream causing many to shy away in terror. Wiz descended out of the blizzard, her hair blowing about her face, her eyes glowing with a horrific light. She landed on the steps of the building, turning her back on the cowering crowd in striding inside.
"Wow, that was really extra! I like her!" Mina declared. "She seems super cool."
Kirishima groaned. "Super cool? Really? The chick with the ice powers is super cool? Next you're going to tell me Todoroki is hot."
"He sure is, but he's always giving people the cold shoulder!" Mina giggled, then made a pair of finger guns and little pew pew noises at Kirishima, who groaned and rolled his eyes. But he smiled when he did it, and that made Mina feel a little better too.
Wiz stalked back inside, smoothing her dress. "Sorry, just had to take care of something unpleasant. Now, Eris, I've been able to gather a few dozen loyal followers, along with a large group of human resistance fighters equipped with the best gear I could find, ready to follow your orders."
"A large group or resistance fighters? Well armed? When did you acquire the funds to accomplish such a thing, oh perpetually impoverished friend of mine?" Vanir asked, looking suspicious.
Wiz let out a surprisingly girlish giggle. "Why Vanir, you didn't think I'd learned nothing in all this time? At the very least, I learned how to cook the books properly, so that not even you would be suspicious of where all my money went. Having a reputation for being terrible with money does come in handy at times."
"Incredible. You have outdone moi, dear Wiz, I concede defeat in this matter." Vanir declared with a proud grin and sweeping bow. "Perhaps you are not doomed to an unlife of poverty after all."
"Yeah, OK, so you two are good guys, or at least what passes for them here." Mina said. "Love the dress, by the way Wiz, purple looks good on you!"
Wiz started, then smiled shyly. "Oh, you think so? Thank you. It has been a very long time since anyone seemed to care about my clothes… Tell me, what are the two of you? What world did Eris find you in?"
Kirishima deactivated his quirk, making Wiz start, and Vanir cock his head to one side. "We're human, both of us. We're from Earth, the country of Japan. I'm Ejiro Kirishima, this is Mina Ashido."
"Japan? How quaint. Once, moi knew a foolish boy, one who was lazy and perverse, yet laid down his life to save others. All in vain of course," Vanir laughed. "But he, well, he was clearly human. The two of you, moi senses your humanity, and yet you are unlike any humans moi has met. Tell me, oh manly one who uses a bottle to hid his insecurities, how is it that you are from the same world as Kadzuma the poor adventurer?"
"They're not," Eris said. "I can't really explain, but… there are many versions of many worlds, Earth included. Theirs is different. The population there has strange abilities, called quirks. Ashido is what's known as a heteromorphic type, which changes her physical appearance, while Kirishima is a transformation type, and can alter his physical form at will."
"But just so we're clear, we're BOTH human," Kirishima said, folding his arms over his chest. "You want to be a quirkist asshole, we're going to have problems."
Mina smiled at Kirishima, but winced inwardly. He was cute and all, but she could really do without the white knighting. She just didn't let that sort of thing bother her. Much.
"These quirks shall allow them to pass as monsters," Wiz said, nodding. "They are fortunate in that regard. Thank you, for agreeing to help save our world. It will be dangerous, but thousands of lives depend on our success."
"Hey, that's what heroes do!" Mina laughed. "Now, what exactly do we need to actually do? I mean, I guess we could go fight all the monsters in the town, but something tells me you didn't need me and Kirishima for that, Wiz."
"Indeed, between us, Wiz and I could easily rid Axel of the riff raff," Vanir agreed, growing serious. "As a Duke of Hell, moi's power is not insubstantial, and as has been said, moi has fed well these past centuries. But against the Demiurge, both of us would surely fail. It is he who rules Belzerg, and the world, from his fortress in the old capitol."
"Yes. I have already sent agents to awaken the heir. I have gathered the four strongest heroes I could find as well, and with their aid, we will begin our campaign to free Belzerg," Eris explained. "First, we must draw the Demiurge out. To fight him in his home terrain would be suicide."
"Ok, so how do we do that?" Mina asked, feeling nervous. Plans weren't exactly her thing.
"Well, it seems that moi's territory is about to suffer a rebellion," Vanir sighed dramatically. "Led, of course, by the two of you."
Mina listened to the plan, looking nervously at Kirishima. He seemed worried too, but he smiled at her. Yeah. They could do this. Pinky and Red, real heroes. They'd totally save the world! She hoped.
Chapter 28: Percussive MaintenenceBeta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator and The Evil Within
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Chapter 28: Percussive Maintenance
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall sheen;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be queen.
-The prophecy of Eris (which she definitely didn't Steal)
Iris sat alone in the woods, sharpening her sword. It was, in fact, a complete waste of time. Calibur was a Sacred Weapon, and hence did not need sharpening. But she had to do something with her hands, or they would start trembling again, and she'd start crying.
Besides, the woods were a pleasant distraction as well, filled with life. Sunlight shone through green trees, and birds called in the branches. It was a respite in all forms from the death and destruction that filled Iris's past, present, and future. Maybe there would even be some monsters trying to ruin such a scene for her to take out her anger on. She'd been idle for too long.
Two hundred years. It had been nearly 200 years since she'd been sealed away, wounded and near to death. Her father and older brother had died years before, in the last defense of Belzerg while she was smuggled away. One by one, her guardians had fallen. Claire had been killed in an ambush, her flesh melted from her bones by the enemy before Iris could even try to save her. Rain had died teleporting Iris to safety. Dust had been eaten alive by an unrelenting tide of undead.
Iris had sought refuge in Elroad, but they'd tried to hand her over to the Lord of the Tomb to curry favor. It hadn't helped them. Elroad had been put to the sword, save for a few who had the 'privilege' of becoming human livestock. The elves, the dwarves, every nation on the planet who'd tried to resist, they'd all been slaughtered. Now, only monsters and ashes remained.
Well. The Belzerg family line had once carved a kingdom out of the wilderness with the sword. It was time to do it again.
"I'll fight like you would have, big bro." Iris whispered, thinking of Kazuma. He'd tried to stop the Lord of the Tomb too, and he'd been one of the first to die. If she were honest with herself, even with the help of the Crimson Demon Clan, those two strangers, and the supposed Prophecy of Eris, Iris was pretty certain she was going to die too. She just had to make sure she dragged as many monsters as possible into Hell with her.
Iris heard someone coming up behind her, turning her head cautiously. She grimaced when she saw who it was: that vile ruffian, Bakugo. He was rude, obnoxious, and violent. Also probably the best fighter they had aside from Iris. That galled her. Why couldn't Sero be the stronger of the pair? At least he was properly deferential.
Turning back to her task, Iris did her best to ignore Bakugo. Attention only encouraged his sort.
But of course, he still came right towards her. "The hell you doing, wandering off? Jesus fucking Christ, you're supposed to be the leader or whatever. You sit your ass down in some random forest, get your stupid self killed, the hell are we supposed to do then?"
"When one addresses the queen, typically they refrain from such uncouth language," Iris said through gritted teeth, looking up to meet Bakugo's gaze despite her earlier intentions.
Bakugo glanced around. "Shit, you aren't any queen of mine. Plus, what are you even queen of at this point? A couple dozen wackos in funny clothes? A bunch of starving weaklings? Truly you're a sovereign for the ages."
Iris stood, cold fury burning in her belly. "They are still the people of Belzerg. I shall restore my nation. Why did you come here, fool. To start a fight? Remind me, how did our last one go?"
"I don't know, we keep getting interrupted. I'd be glad to find out though." Bakugo laughed, a mad grin on his face.
They'd fought more than once, to the ire of their companions. Really, they fought whenever it wasn't time for a raid or mission. But Bakugo was the only one who could even come close to keeping up with Iris amongst the group. It wasn't that the others didn't try when they sparred, they knew not to hold back when facing Royalty. But even the Crimson Demon's couldn't handle Iris, not even two on one. Yunyun and Sero had given it a shot, but when she cut loose, Iris had destroyed them in short order.
Bakugo, on the other hand, gave her a challenge. Oh, so many challenges.
"If it is a beating you desire, I shall be more than happy to provide!" Iris snarled, and charged forward, moving far faster than a normal human could react.
And yet, Bakugo caught the swing of her sword on the haft of his axe, a manic laugh bubbling out. "That still the best you can do? Come on, little girl! I thought you were tough!"
He tried blasting her with that damnable quirk of his, but Iris had started expecting that by now. She jumped away, firing off a stream of fireballs, lightning, and ice magic as she flew through the air. She'd studied hard in the years of her exile before her final defeat, and had mastered dozens of combat skills, including Advanced and Intermediate Magic. She was level 100, the highest possible, something people had once thought impossible for any mortal to attain. Her class was Rune Knight, the most powerful offensive class for both magic and melee.
And yet she had lost against the Demiurge. Even worse, somehow, Bakugo, a random boy from another world, countered her every move. He flew through the woods, propelled by his blasts, launching attacks of his own; fireballs from his axe, or bursts of heat and smoke from his hands. Trees were reduced to splinters, the earth heaved and trembled, and animals and monsters of all kinds fled in terror from their conflict. The idyllic clearing was no more.
"Why do you insist on making my life a living hell!" Iris screamed as she and Bakugo battered away at one another with their weapons. Neither were bothering to block: Bakugo had gained dozens of levels in his short time in Belzerg, having picked the Berserker class. He could quickly regenerate any wounds he suffered, while Iris trusted her natural durability.
"Hell?! HELL!? THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HELL!" Bakugo roared, unleashing a wave of blasts that drove Iris back momentarily. "I FUCKING DIED YOU BITCH! THIS IS MY HELL!"
"You think you are in hell?" Iris roared, countering with a series of magic sword skills that drove Bakugo to the ground, his axe clattering aside. "I watched everything and everyone I knew and loved die before my eyes! And yet, I lived! Why! Why must I continue this wretched life, when all others die?! They gave their life, for what? So I could be queen of these ashes!?"
Panting for breath, Iris finally paused, her sword poised over Bakugo's throat, her eyes burning with rage. He lay beneath her, his struggles finally over, his axe a dozen yards away.
"Do you yield?" Iris demanded.
"Fuck off with that bullshit. If you have to ask that shit, just kill me already! It doesn't matter what I do, I'm still heading to a worse hell!" Tears of frustration and anger appeared in Bakugo's eyes, which only seemed to further enrage him. "I won't yield till you get off that high horse of yours and act like an actual leader! You won't be able to do shit till you do!"
"So?" Iris snapped. "I have killed many, not just undead and monsters, but traitorous humans as well. I will hardly care about ending your noxious life."
Bakugo started to laugh, his entire body shaking. "That's fucking rich! I'm a dick, an asshole, and I'll gladly admit it. But I don't try and cover my own ass with self-pity and lies. We're gonna have to do some terrible shit, so get over yourself and stop acting like you're about to cut yourself with that overhyped letter opener."
"I would hardly hate you if you did not insist on being so vile to me," Iris said, lowering her sword in disgust.
"You don't hate me 'cause I swear at you, you don't even hate me because I'm a jerk to you!" Bakugo giggled maniacally. "You hate me because I'm the only one of them that doesn't bow and scrape, and treat you like the queen of the damn universe!"
"That is a lie!" Iris roared, slamming her fist into the earth beside Bakugo's head hard enough that it left a crater and threw up chunks of rock.
"Oh, is it?" Bakugo sneered with blood around his lips. "Well, then maybe it's because I'm the only one strong enough, and with enough balls that I actually can give you a run for your money in a fight, your royal bitchiness!"
"It doesn't matter! I beat you! You'll die like the rest when the time comes," Iris snarled. She stood and turned away from Bakugo. "Not even you are strong enough, Bakugo. You're not worth the-"
There was a blast, and then something slammed into Iris's back. She found Bakugo sprawled on top of her, and struggled to get her sword up to skewer the wretch.
"Playtime's over," Bakugo growled, slowly standing and wiping the blood from his nose and face. "They're here."
Glancing behind them, Iris felt her stomach lurch. There stood the forces of Nazarick; ranks of Dread Knights and liches and behind them, huddled masses of human slaves.
"No…" Iris whispered. She had seen this before.
"Ach, Frauline, it is been so long since ve have seen you!" a strange man in an even stranger uniform chuckled as he gave Iris and Bakugo a sweeping bow as they rose to their feet. "I confess, Herr Demiurge and I, ve thought you vere dead! I vas thinking I vas hunting those schmutzig Crimson Demons, ja? But it is you! The long lost heir. And a friend! I do hope ve are not interrupting anything."
"Who the fuck are you?" Bakugo demanded, taking up his axe. "You look like some rip off Nazi prick!"
"Ah, Verzeihen Sie mir, Sir. I am so rude! Before you stands Pandora's Actor! Son of the Great Ainz Ooal Gown himself, and Area Guardian of the great tomb," the strange being said, giving another sweeping bow, then continuing to babble.
"Bakugo, listen. They're going to sacrifice those people," Iris whispered, never taking her eyes from the gesticulating madman before them. "When they do, it will summon forth dark young. They are deadly dangerous. Together, perhaps we can defeat them, but it may be wise for us to flee. I exhausted many of my spells, and we are both injured."
"They sacrifice the people? Kill them?" Bakugo hissed.
Iris nodded. "Those mages, they have special items. They offer the souls of the humans as fuel for the ritual that calls forth-"
"NOBODY ELSE DIES TODAY!" Bakugo roared, launching himself forward, and slamming into Pandora's actor even as his body rippled and the generalisimo took on the form of a knight in shining silver armor. "IRIS, GO!"
Somehow, Iris managed to keep her poise, and chanted, "Flash Step!"
She appeared next to one of the liches that had been about to begin the ritual spell. She killed it with a stroke, then sent a Light of Sabre into the rest of the group as Bakugo fought Pandora's actor, who had shifted again into the form of a great metallic beetle with a bident. The slaves gasped, looking at her in awe, but Iris didn't have time. She used Flash Step again, appearing next to the second group of liches. She raised Caliber and-
"ALL GLORY TO AINZ OOAL GOWN!" the liches wailed, and with a moan the souls were sucked from the second group of slaves, their bodies crumpling to the ground. Iris screamed in rage, cutting down the spellcasters, but it was too late. A dark portal sprang open, and she could hear the bleating of goats.
"NO!" Iris roared. "NOT AGAIN!" she turned to the first group of slaves, who were cowering in terror. "Don't stand there! RUN! YOUR QUEEN COMMANDS YOU!"
The slaves broke into a panicked sprint, and Iris braced herself as the dark young emerged from the portal, it's seven hooves pawing at the dirt.
"IRIS, MOVE YOU STUPID BITCH!" Bakugo roared.
Just in time, Iris realized the Dread Knights had been surrounding her, and Flash Stepped to Bakugo's side, where he was still fighting Pandora's actor. The strange shapeshifter was pressing Bakugo back, and the boy was bleeding from more wounds despite his best efforts.
"Oh ho! Naughty, naughty, Fraulein! But worry not, those humans shall not get far! When I am finished with you, I shall-"
"LIGHT OF SABRE!" a dozen voices roared, and spears of light blasted the ranks of Dread Knights to Dust.
"Vhat!? The Crimson Demons?!" Pandora's Actor cried. "Ache, but it matters not, ve-"
"Now, Bakugo!" Iris cried. "Together!"
"On you!" Bakugo agreed, and as one they rushed at Pandora's Actor, Bakugo screaming, "DIE!" as Iris roared, "SACRED EXPLODE!" Both attacks took the shape shifter dead on, and he staggered back, stunned by the sudden reversal.
The Nazerick general didn't die just from that, but from there Iris and Bakugo seemed to fall into a rhythm, trading off blows, never letting their foe have a moment's peace. The shapeshifter fought back furiously, scoring several hits on both Iris and Bakugo as he danced between a dozen different forms, from a bird like creature, to a slime, to various inhuman warriors. Still, he never was able to regain momentum, especially not when Crimson Demons fired off spells into his back.
Several times, the shapeshifter nearly killed Iris or Bakugo, pressing them hard and inflicting serious wounds, but each time the other would intervene, giving them enough breathing room to get back into the fight, while the monster fought on alone, his minions falling to the Crimson Demons.
At last, Pandora's Actor staggered back reverting to his base form, his coat ripped and burned, his mask cracked and bleeding. "How?! This is impossible, you were not this strong!"
"FINISH HIM OFF!" Bakugo laughed, raising an open hand.
"DIE!" Iris screamed at the same time as Bakugo, and their twin blasts shredded the monstrosity, leaving nothing behind but ashes.
Panting, Iris fell into a guard position, raising Caliber, but it wasn't needed. The dark young gave one final pained bleat, then erupted in flames as Komekko called down an Explosion spell, the blast buffeting Iris and Bakugo.
"God damn, what the hell is wrong with you two?!" Sero shouted, running forward to Bakugo and Iris and taking out a kit of healing supplies. "You drew them down nearly on top of us!"
"We were… training," Iris gasped, glancing at Bakugo. "Sir Bakugo and I had some… issues… to work out."
Bakugo eyed Iris, but shrugged and didn't say anything as Sero grumbled and began to treat their wounds. "You're damn lucky we got here when we did. Those guys would have been too much, even for the two of you."
Iris winced as Sero applied a salve. "The slaves, are they…?"
"I got them out of there, then Yunyun teleported them to safety," Sero said, shaking his head. "Couple of them got caught by the Dread Knights before I got there, but, well, we saved most of them."
"Then today was a victory," Iris said, closing her eyes. For once, she'd managed to save at least some of her people. She wouldn't let herself dwell on those she'd failed.
Later that night, once they'd moved to a new location, Iris was alone once more, having withdrawn into her tent. She lay on her pallet, unable to sleep, her mind going back over the fight from the day before.
"Hey. Knock knock," Bakugo's voice called. "Um, I wanna talk."
Wrapping herself in a blanket, Iris pushed aside her tent flap and crawled out, finding Bakugo squatting a few feet from her tent, looking pensive for a change. "What is it?'
"What's this 'Sir Bakugo' shit?" he demanded. "I'm not a fucking knight. Knights are honorable bastards. They got manners, have a code or whatever. In case you didn't get the memo, I'm heading straight for hell."
Iris shook her head. "You saved my life today. And the lives of my people."
"Yeah, because that's what heroes do," Bakugo snapped. "And I'm a fucking hero. No matter what Yunyun or those other dickheads say."
"Indeed you are," Iris agreed, which made Bakugo do a double take. "And, as you said, you are the only person who I have ever met who can keep up with me in a fight."
"You still kicked my ass," Bakugo grumbled.
"Perhaps. And if we fought again, how many matches do you think you would take in ten?" Iris asked.
Bakugo chewed on his lip for a moment, glaring at her. At last, he spat to the side. "Three."
"I would have said four, but our estimations are similar," Iris agreed, sitting down in the grass beside Bakugo. He was quite a bit bigger than she, especially when he crouched above her. She hadn't really noticed before; she was used to being the strongest in the room by such a wide margin that size was irrelevant.
"So, what? I'm a knight because I can kick your ass sometimes?" Bakugo demanded.
"There is a tradition in Belzerg. The Ruler must have their Sworn Shield, the strongest fighter in all the land. It is rare that the shield is stronger, for the kings and queens of Belzerg are descended from heroes, and trained all their lives to defend their land and people."
"So, what, you think I'm just going to sign up to sit around all day and guard you? I ain't doin' that shit," Bakugo grumbled.
"You do not understand: the Shield is the one who the ruler sends in their stead if they cannot take the field, or the one who goes into battle alongside them. Often, it is the Shield that leads the armies of Belzerg to battle. Such as they are."
Bakugo considered that, his eyes narrowed as he studied Iris. "Alright. So I get why you want me for the job. I kick more ass than anyone else except you. But what's in it for me?"
"Absolution. You claim you have been condemned to hell. I offer you an alternative."
"Oh, wow, didn't realize you were a damn goddess in addition to all the other shit you claim to be," Bakugo said, rolling his eyes.
"I am not, but a ruler may grant royal pardons. In addition, I know two goddesses quite well: Eris, and Aqua. Fight for me, and I shall intercede with them on your behalf. You shall be spared damnation. Besides, you claim to live for battle. Why not fight for a righteous cause? Perhaps you shall wash away the sins of your past."
"Ok, so, what? I kill this Demiurge for you, and I get my get out of hell free card?" Bakugo demanded.
"There will be more to it than that. I do not expect you to change overnight, but to be my Shield you shall also need to become a knight in truth. Which includes, in public, showing me deference and speaking politely and formally."
"Yeah? Why 'in public?'" Bakugo demanded. "What about when we ain't in public?"
"Then you may speak as you wish. A Shield is one of the few people who has the right to speak plainly to the ruler, and, in private, question them and their choices. In public, however, you must be a dutiful servant, and a steadfast defender of my honor."
Bakugo shook his head. "Yeah, well, I don't think I'm cut out for all that fancy shit."
"Perhaps not now. But if you wish to avoid hellfire, it would behoove you to learn, would it not?" Iris demanded.
Bakugo considered that, then spat into his palm, standing and holding it out to Iris. "Fine. You've got yourself a deal."
Iris slowly stood, spitting on her palm, then taking the disgusting offered hand in her own and squeezing it tightly. Bakugo grinned sadisticly at her as that caused a faint puff of smoke to rise from their clasped hands. "Damn. For a little girl, you've got a nice grip."
Iris bared her teeth right back. "And for an uncouth barbarian, you are surprisingly thoughtful. Now, I have accepted your gesture. Now, you must accede to mine."
Bakugo let his grip loosen at the same time Iris did, frowning. "Yeah, what's that?"
Iris summoned Caliber to her, testing the edge on her thumb and smiling. "It is time you learned the first part of court protocol. Do not make that face at me. You agreed to this. You are honor bound to obey and keep your oath, or do you take your own word so lightly?"
"Oh, you're not getting rid of me that easy. Fine. What do I have to do?"
The next morning, Iris had the Crimson Demons, Sero, and those few refugees they were protecting assemble in a clearing. She stood atop a large, mossy rock as the sunlight glinted through the trees.
"People of Belzerg! You know why we are here: to drive the forces of the Demiurge and the Great Tomb from our world, and to free humanity from its bondage. To that end, I, Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, have selected a Shield, to lead our armies in battle, and to fight at my side. Katsuki Bakugo! Come forth!"
Bakugo shouldered his way through the crowd, causing mutters from those assembled. He launched himself up to the top of the rock with an explosive blast, then knelt before Iris, offering up his axe.
"I, Katsuki Bakugo, do hereby offer my body and axe as your shield and sword, to be your sworn defender, until my queen release me, or death take me."
Her recited the words Iris had coached him on most admirably, and without the invective he'd peppered them with previously. Good, he could control himself when he had to.
"I, Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, Queen of Belzerg and defender of humanity, do accept this oath." She rapped Bakugo on each shoulder with Caliber, drawing a bit of blood from his shoulders. He didn't wince in the slightest. Good. She hadn't told him she would be doing that. He just looked up and grinned, his face a picture of a demon. That was what she needed, now.
"Arise, Sir Bakugo, Sworn Shield of Belzerg. Arise and fulfill your oath, and lead my armies to victory!"
Bakugo sprang up in smoke and flames, turning to the assembled people. "Alright you fuckers! Who's ready to kick some ass!?"
That got a cheer out of them, if a half-hearted one. Iris didn't care. At last, she'd found someone who might just be strong enough to survive this with her. Or, at the very least, help her attain vengeance for the fallen.
Chapter 30: ¡Viva la Revolución!Beta'd and Edited by The Grand Cogitator
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Chapter 30: ¡Viva la Revolución!
It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum! Oh, don't worry, I brought enough gum for everyone!
-Mina Ashido
"We ready?" Mina whispered, trying to keep her voice calm as her heart thundered in her chest. Behind her crouched the ranks of Wiz's liberated and armed slaves, to her left was Eris disguised as Chris the Thief, and to her right Kirishima, holding the Hammer of Therazane. They were currently hiding in a tunnel that led up to the basement of the Shrine of the Tomb in Axel. They'd been raiding the countryside for weeks, putting undead abominations to rest, and freeing humans from bondage. So far, it had been relatively easy, but that all changed today.
"Let's do this," Kirishima agreed. "Chris?"
"It's time to cleanse these abominations," the disguised goddess agreed, her teeth bared in a snarl of rage. "Once, this was my church. It's time we restored it."
"DEAM VULT!" Kirishma bellowed, activating his quirk and crashing through the walls of the basement.
A group of goblinoids looked up, paused in the act of ritually sacrificing a girl to the glory of Nazarick. Mina melted two of them to pulp with a spray of acid as Kirshima barreled forward, his hammer splattering two against the wall as he trampled another. Chris' knives took the last two goblins in the eyes, as the girl let out a scream of panic.
"Don't worry!" Mina told her, using her acid to cut through the ropes that bound her. "We're the good guys! Come on people, up and at 'em!"
Mina and the others boiled up out of the basement before the priests and attendants of Ainz could manage to mount much of a defense, her teeth barred in a fearsome grin as she slung acid both at the liches and other undead and at the profane idols to Nazarick and its denizens.
"What is this?" a lich hissed. "Humans?!"
"DEAM VULT!" Chris cried, and sliced the lich's skull from it's boney shoulders with her dagger.
"DEAM VULT!" the rebelling slaves roared as they swarmed out into the streets, attacking anything that wasn't human. Mina felt a little bad about that, some of the lizard people and goblinoids probably weren't totally evil, but then again she'd seen enough of them abuse human slaves or literally kill them out of hand for minor offenses it was hard for her to get that worked up about it.
The various monsters and undead that made up the majority of Axel's population fled to the Ducal Seat where Vanir and Wiz's headquarters were, seeking shelter. Wiz put up an icy barrier, keeping the humans away, but they weren't interested in fighting the Witch or the Demon, instead herding more monsters towards the center of town.
A few monsters put up fights, one troll managing to slaughter a dozen rebelling humans before Mina showed up with her acid. She'd learned that trolls could heal from just about anything, but not a blob of concentrated hydrochloric acid. The beast bellowed as the acid washed over it, and Mina skated around it, spraying the still sealing wounds the others had inflicted. With a groan, the troll collapsed to the earth, dead.
Once they had corralled the surviving inhabitants, Wiz and Vanir made an appearance, striding forth from their stronghold with dozens of well armed guards.
"What is this, do you foolish humans truly think you can hope to defeat moi, the Duke of Hell?" Vanir laughed. He snapped his fingers, and dozens of miniature versions of himself formed out of the earth.
"This is my domain! I have sheltered you humans, and this is how you repay me?" Wiz demanded, her eyes glowing with icy fury.
"Maybe we can't," Mina said. "But the goddess can!"
"What is this, oh foolish girl who appears to be a monster yet is nothing but human?" Vanir demanded. "You think your deity can save you? Ha! There are no gods left in Belzerg!"
"No longer!" Eris cried, moving out of the crowd. "I have returned!"
"Eris!" Wiz screamed. "Quickly, before she-"
Holy light suddenly radiated from Eris, her form changing ever so slightly as the filth fanished, her hair grew out, and her rags became an elegant gown. She pointed a finger at Wiz and Vanir. "Exorcism!"
Both of them screamed in pain, and Wiz suddenly vanished. Vanir stumbled back, a look of horror on his face. "No! This cannot be! Moi is immortal, nothing may-"
"Begon, foul spirit!" Eris snarled. "Sacred Exorcism!"
Vanir's form crumbled to dust, his mask falling to the ground, cracked and dissolving to earth.
"Eris, I'm out of the way now," Wiz's voice whispered. "You can-"
"SACRED TURN UNDEAD!" Eris roared, and the center of the town suddenly was bathed in golden light. The undead that had rallied there crumbled to ash, and Wiz let out a groan, slumping to the ground with a spray of dust. Mina hoped no one saw that, and was grateful the invisibility spell didn't fade.
"DEAM VULT! DEAM VULT!" the humans cheered wildly.
Eris took a deep breath. "From here, our reconquest of Belzerg begins!. You, monsters. I have no quarrel with you. Leave these lands at once, and you shall not be slain. But if we see you again, you shall all be destroyed!"
Quickly, the monsters were herded from Axel by the human troops, but Mina and Kirishima wasted no time. They found Wiz's body, still invisible, and quickly carried her to the safe house they'd set up earlier. Vanir was already there, waiting impatiently.
"Foolish goddess! Does she not know that such things can harm my dear Wiz! She has gone too far!" Vanir huffed, snapping his fingers to dismiss the invisibility spell. Wiz had gone translucent, and they placed her on a bed.
"I-it's fine. She kept her promise. Only the demons and undead of Nazarick were purged," Wiz whispered. "We already sent away those that were not evil. The succubi are hidden in their old brothel, and are caring for the others."
"Wow, Eris really doesn't like undead, does she?" Mina asked, feeling uncomfortable at seeing Wiz so hurt.
"No. But she has good reason for it," Wiz sighed. "She spent her mortal life fighting demons and undead, her family slain by the Devil King of her time. As a goddess, one of her primary tasks is to keep the mortal world free of my kind."
"Bah, it is a foolish, reckless thing. Moi would not stand for this if moi did not know it was what you truly desired, foolish lich," Vanir said, coming over and beginning a few negative energy spells.
"It's ok. Go, you two. Let Eris know we'll help when Demiurge comes," Wiz whispered as Vanir tended to her. "Just be careful. I've heard that The Son of Ainz is here as well. He's probably even more dangerous."
"Ok. Hold on, Wiz. And thanks. You really helped all the humans here today," Kirishima said. "That was manly of you. Er, or-"
Wiz giggled. "I understand. Please, don't worry about me."
Mina and Kirishima left together, walking through the town as the other humans began to celebrate, breaking into the houses of the goblinoids and lizard folk and looting food and other supplies. Many of them appeared not to know what to do without a master to tell them what to do, and simply turned to random acts of destruction. Mina winced, glad they'd gotten the monsters out. Some of them had been kids and stuff: she didn't want to see them dead, even if they weren't human.
"You think this will work?" Mina asked Kirishima as they headed for the chapel they'd first emerged from. Already, crude icons of Eris had been scrawled on the walls, the images of Nazarick ripped away and tossed in a burning heap.
"I dunno. I mean, I'm just sort of going along with what Eris had planned," Kirishima admitted. "I mean, it's been good to free people from slavery and stuff, but honestly this is all way over my head. Sure, we've freed one town, but now what?"
"I'm glad you asked," Eris said striding towards them. "Come. It's time I filled you both in more fully on my plans."
Mina and Kirishima fell in behind Eris, who led them away from the shrine to a back alley. When they got there, the goddess groaned, slumping down into the dirt, closing her eyes.
Mina exchanged a worried look with Kirishima, then they both squatted on their haunches close to Eris. "You OK, Eris?"
"No. That took a lot out of me," Eris admitted, her head resting on the boards of the building behind her.. "All of us gods and goddesses are low on followers these days. I'm doing a bit better, with so many new and zealous converts, but it's still exhausting using my powers like that. And…"
Tears began to leak from Eris' eyes, and she shook her head. "Do you know how many people died for me, today? Just here, in Axel?"
Mina shook her head, feeling sick, while Kirishima looked away, trying to hide his tears.
"Twenty eight. I know it's not much, in the grand scheme of things, but… but I was never as good at resurrection and healing as Aqua. And with so little power left to me… I won't be able to raise more than one or two of them. Damn you, Vanir, I really am a luckless goddess…"
Eris was really weeping now, her shoulder shaking as she sobbed into her hands. Gently, Mina moved in, pulling Eris into a hug. It was really weird, since she was some sort of ageless immortal, but honestly she looked like she was maybe a couple of years older than Mina. Which begged the question of how old Mina WAS. They'd died in mid-May, and that had been at least a month ago now. Did you keep getting older if you died? Who knew.
"Hey, it's ok. We're winning, right? We'll drive Demiurge away and save the world so no one else has to die," Mina said gently.
"But you all die eventually," Eris sobbed. "It doesn't matter what I do. I'm just… I'm so tired, Ashido. I've only been a goddess for a thousand years, but I'm so, so tired."
Kirishima met Mina's eyes and mouthed, "A thousand years?!"
Mina grimaced and nodded. Seriously? Eris was a thousand years old? Well, Mina wasn't going to argue with her.
"I'm sorry," Eris said after a few minutes, wiping at her eyes and blowing her nose into a lace hankie. "The plan, yes. You see, you're not the only heroes from your world I've brought here."
"Really?" Kirishima asked, sounding as surprised as Mina was. "Who else is here? Where are they?"
"The ones called Sero and are moving about Belzerg, striking at the strongest of the enemy's forces," Eris explained. "With them is my disciple Yunyun, and the last of her Crimson Demons. Along with, well, the last hope of this world. The last surviving member of the Belzerg royal line. Queen Iris."
Mina let out a soft groan. Why did it have to be Bakugo? True, Sero was pretty cool, but if she had to pick someone to be stranded in a strange world with, Bakugo didn't make the top ten. Why not Jiro or one of her other friends?
"That's weird, those are the guys we were on the same team with in the Sports Festival," Kirishima observed. "Well, Sero's pretty cool, and well, Bakugo's strong. That's why we teamed up with him."
"So, um, what exactly is the plan for Bakugo and the others?" Mina asked.
Eris bared her teeth. "We are the bait. They are the trap, along with Wiz and Vanir. We're going to lure Demiurge out, and then destroy him, then the portal that they send reinforcements from Nazarick through. Then, we reclaim this world."
"Wait, so we're bait?" Mina asked, suddenly feeling very nervous.
Eris nodded. "More precisely, I am. Nazarick has always targeted gods and goddesses especially. They really seem to want to kill my senior, Aqua, but we don't know why. Honestly, she's, um, well, her only remarkable feature seems to be her lack of, ah, intellectual rigor."
"So she's stupid?" Kirishima asked bluntly.
Eris winced. "She's not stupid, just… she's a Muse of the Arts and a Goddess of Water and Healing. She's a creature of emotions and passion, of creativity and nurturing. Not of intellect."
"Hey, I get that," Mina commiserated. "My grades were never the best, but I'm totally awesome at dancing, gymnastics, and making friends!"
"Yeah, I suppose neither of us are really what you'd call book smart," Kirishima admitted. "So, what, we just hang out and wait for Demiurge to come and get you?"
"Of course not. We're here to free humanity, and restore my lost followers. It's time to reward my faithful," Eris said, standing and dusting herself off. "You two get some rest. I have a clergy to reinstate, and healing to perform. Soon, we'll start raiding the countryside in earnest, and bringing in more freed humans. I'll just have to see if we can find a few people capable of teleporting large groups."
Eris went back to her new place of worship, leaving Mina alone with Kirishima. She went over to him, putting her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder. He gave her a squeeze back, looking as worried as she felt. So, she smiled at him.
"Well, sounds like we're closer to getting to go back home!" she said, trying to force cheerfulness she didn't feel into her tone.
"Yeah. I just… I dunno, Mina." Kirishima looked down at his hand, activating his quirk for a moment. "I'm not the same person I was a month ago. I've fought against all these monsters, just like you. We've seen a lot of people die. Can we really go back?"
"We have too," Mina said, fighting back the urge to cry. "Otherwise, what was the point of all this?" She swallowed, then laughed. "Well, I mean, other than saving the world. And finally getting to know you."
She stood up on her toes then, and Kirishima bent down to press his lips to hers. It had taken a solid week of her dropping endless hints that she liked him and was lonely, but he'd finally caught on. Of course, then one thing had led to another then, just as it did now…
They found a house with a comfortable bed that hadn't been too looted, and lay claim to it. A couple of people tried to accuse Mina of being a monster, but enough of the rebels knew who she was to hastily correct the more recently liberated, identifying her as the Divine Hero Ashido. She sort of liked that, even if it did sound pretty silly.
"You know the best thing about being here?" Kirishima said, his hands playing over her back as they lay together under the blankets.
"What?" she giggled, though she figured she knew the answer.
"You," he whispered, and gave her a long kiss. "Who'd have thought I'd end up with the hottest girl at our school? And I mean, I count UA and our old one there."
"I mean, you really changed over the summer. You were kinda a dork before," she laughed.
Kirishima chuckled, his hand going to his hair. You could really see the black roots now, and the vibrate red was fading since he couldn't dye it anymore. "Yeah, guess I really changed. You're still the same though."
"No," Mina said, flipping over and looking up at him. "I'm really not, Ejiro. I try to act like it, but… I'm just as scared as everyone else."
"Hey, don't sweat it, I'm here, remember? We'll get through this, together. Plus, I mean, we got a goddess on our side. That has to count for something, right?"
Mina nodded, forcing a smile on her face. "Yeah. Of course it does."
She pressed herself to him, trying to feel safe in his strong arms. He clung to her, desperate for the same comfort and warmth. Together. Somehow, they'd get through this together.
Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2020
Chapter 31: Glory to the Rodina!Beta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator
[img: YyUVz4rCwsUI8sFDX838NsMk1-guaM6KiN-Mb4Pjcy6SCMAgioha8BSpNv_oCrO32ibAm6Ckn8kGsjnMPZK29m97zO1kmUpYNjM9eUyk4P274Tws1IJEQhVbFuBwUqA1rKGBK4fQ]
For the Glory of the Rodina
United forever by friendship and the Goddesses,
Our mighty land will ever endure.
The Kingdom of Belzerg will live through the ages.
The Royal Blood of Heroes our fortress secure.
-Belzerg National Anthem, Revised Edition
Lying on her belly, Yunyun had to remind herself that it was OK to keep breathing. She was hidden by both spells and a physical camouflage, and the enemy was too far away to sense them either way. Still, seeing the forces of the Tomb marching forth from their fortress made her heart pound in her chest.
"How many of them do you think there are?" Sero whispered. "I can't count them all, but it looks like tens of thousands."
"At least that," Yunyun agreed. "That's Evil Lord Envy, there, at the head of that column of demons. And behind them, Guren, the Lava Slime. They're Demiurge's most powerful lieutenants. And… and somehow Pandora's Actor is there too, leading the entire army. We thought he was dead…"
"How'd he come back?" Sero demanded.
Yunyun shook her head. "I don't know. Maybe we killed a double. Maybe that's a double there. He is a shapeshifter, it wouldn't be hard to have someone take his place. But either way, even if that's just a double, he's sure to be strong, and we can't risk treating him as though he were anything less than the real thing."
"Right, so how screwed is Axel then?" Sero asked.
Yunyun shook her head. "Sero, those would be hard for us to fight. Axel has a bunch of low level humans with weak gear. Guren alone would be enough to reduce Axel to ash. He burned entire kingdoms on his own when Nazerick invaded originally. Anything that gets close to him bursts into flame. That's why he's moving along with the hellspawn and demons; they're immune to his heat. And that's not even covering Pandora's Actor. You saw him fight Iris and Bakugo; he's one of the strongest of Nazarick's generals, almost as powerful as the Demiurge."
"So, what do we do?" Sero asked. "We're going to help them still, right?"
Yunyun sighed. "Yes. We have to. It doesn't look like we managed to lure Demiurge himself out, but this is a majority of his forces. They've almost…" Yunyun trailed off, her eyes going wide.
"Almost what?" Sero hissed, sounding worried.
"… almost left themselves totally defenseless here," Yunyun answered. She bit her lip. Demiurge was cunning, and cruel. Was this a trap to lure them into his own domain? She didn't know. One way or the other though, they had to keep a close eye on him.
The gate shut at last as the legions of Dreadnights, liches, demons, slimes, trolls, and a myriad of other horrors from beyond the world sallied forth. It was days yet before they would reach Axel, but that made Yunyun suspicious. Nazerick was capable of powerful teleportation magic. One of their primary strategies during their conquest had been to teleport powerful monsters to the center of cities and utterly obliterate them after bypassing all defenses. That was why the Crimson Demon clan had only survived by teleporting at least once per day, never staying in one place long enough to be tracked down and slain.
"That's all of them, come on," Yunyun whispered, and they crawled back from the top of the hill to a depression, where Yunyun teleported them three times before returning to their camp, to throw off any potential pursuit or tracking. They really didn't know what Demiurge was capable of, but over the years he'd tracked down the Crimson Demon survivors more than once, and each time the results had been bloody.
After the last teleportation, they had to walk for a mile to get to their campsite, keeping careful watch for any sign they'd been followed. As they did, Sero used his tape to snag several wildflowers from the forest floor, braiding them into a bracelet of sorts, which he handed over to Yunyun.
"There ya go, don't say I never gave you anything," he teased.
Blushing, Yunyun put the bracelet on, trying not to show just how pleased she was to receive the gift. It was a bit strange, hanging out with Sero. He was goofy and irreverent most of the time, always trying to get Yunyun to laugh at his antics or jokes, and most of the time managed to succeed. He was just so different from the overly dramatic Crimson Demons, laid back and relaxed whenever they weren't in a battle, but focused and determined when they were.
They talked about all sorts of things as they walked, what it was like back in Sero's strange world, where everyone had odd powers, but somehow no magic or gods. Yunyun talked about the long ago days she'd spent with Megumin at school, or the Adventurers they'd shared together or with Megumin's party.
"They sound like pretty cool friends," Sero observed. "Man, that's just what I imagined when I started at UA! Having a bunch of people together, going on kick ass adventures! And I mean, I told you about when we fought the League of Villains. That was pretty cool. And then the Sports Festival, but…"
Yunyun walked closer to Sero, reaching down to take his hand and giving it a squeeze. He looked at her with an expression of shock, his face going beat red.
"It's OK, Sero. We'll win, and then, you'll get to return to life, and go home," Yunyun said, trying to keep the pain from her voice. That was the hardest thing about all of this. Sero wasn't going to stick around. He was going back to his own world one day. That hurt whenever she thought about it, so she tried not to.
"Yeah, well, I mean, I don't have to go, right?" Sero asked nervously. "You know. Maybe I could stay. With you."
That made Yunyun go beat red. "W-what do you mean!? Y-you said you were going to go back to your world, to be a hero!"
"Yeah, I mean, I can, it's just… Yunyun, beating Demiurge isn't going to be enough to fix everything. There's still going to be monsters. You're going to need heroes here. And… and I don't know if I can turn my back on that. Especially not since…" Sero swallowed and looked away.
"S-since what?" Yunyun asked, her heart now thundering in her chest.
"I sort of, you know. Like you. I mean, I know it's stupid," Sero mumbled, trying to pull away from Yunyun."You're an immortal Demigod, and the Chief of the Crimson Demon Clan. I'm just some kid from Tokyo. Plus, you're way too pretty for someone as ugly as I am."
"You….you really think I'm pretty?" Yunyun found herself asking. It was, in her option, just about the stupidest thing she'd ever said. She wasn't even wearing her normal outfit, just some standard brown robes that blended into the background fairly well. Her hair was a mess, as there was little time to worry about such things on the campaign trail, and she knew she needed a bath, badly.
Sero looked back at Yunyun, and she could tell from the way he started her eyes had to be glowing, but he didn't try to run away. From what he told her, glowing red eyes were actually somewhat common for humans from his world, as odd as that sounded. "What? Of course! You're really cute. I mean, your eyes are so bright, and, um, I like your hair and er, well, you're sort of stacked, even in that robe."
That made Yunyun giggle. "That's sort of a crude thing to say, you know."
"S-sorry! I just, I mean, oh, never mind, this is stupid. I know I'm going to have to go back to my world, and-"
"Sero," Yunyun said quietly, nervously shuffling her feet. "If… if you wanted to stay… I could use your help, and, um, well, I do sort of need a deputy chief and all."
"What?! You, you mean that?!" Sero gasped. "You'd let me stay?!"
Yunyun giggled again. "Well, I'd have to talk to Eris, but they did let Kazuma stay in Belzerg after Megumin and him defeated the Devil King, so I don't see why not."
They ended up holding hands as they walked the rest of the way to camp, which made Yunyun absolutely giddy with delight. She could not wait to tell Megumin about-
Right. Megumin was still in the Divine Realm. Well, maybe she could say some prayers to her or something. Apparently, Komekko had been teaching the Crimson Demon Clan that her sister had ascended to godhood in a massive fireball for nearly 200 years now, so it wouldn't even be that strange.
"Hey, Sero, Yunyun. What's the news?" Bakugo demanded, stepping out from behind a tree and stalking towards them as they reached the camp.
Sero and Yunyun quickly let go of each other's hands and stepped apart, blushing. Bakugo had been acting rather oddly ever since Iris had named him her shield, by which Yunyun mostly meant that Bakugo appeared to be making an effort to be nice.
"Well? Speak up! You two dumbasses go deaf or something? You're supposed to be tracking the fucking enemy, not making cow eyes at each other!"
Well, trying was good, right?
"There's over 10,000 dreadnights, thousands of demons, a legion of mountain trolls, and several full cabals of liches," Yunyun reported. "Pandora's actor is back, apparently in command, and he brought Guren and Evil Lord Envy."
Bakugo chewed on a stalk of grass he had clamped between his teeth for a long moment, then spat it out to the side. "Shit. Alright. Come on. We gotta talk to Iris about this. That's more heat than we can fucking handle."
Iris was standing with Komekko and several of the freed human slaves that had been selected as their officers around a large tree stump that was being used as a table.
"They're acting like they emptied the place," Bakugo growled as he walked up, pointing to the capitol on the map they had spread out. "We ain't got good intel on what all forces they got inside of there. Undead don't need rations or sh-stuff like that, and demons feed off emotions and you can summon 'em up real quick. Plus, that got that portal they can pour reinforcements through."
Sero gave a rundown of what they had seen, and Iris pursed her lips. "They intend to force a battle at Axel. Demiurge has likely guessed our plan, and knows we wish to draw him out. He hopes that if we fight at Axel to save it, he will crush what few forces we have with overwhelming numbers. Even I cannot fight Pandora's actor again and hope to win. Even with my Shield, that would be a taxing fight for the two of us, to say nothing of their army, which has a myriad of powers that would slow us. Or Guren."
"We could take him," Bakugo growled, eyeing the piece one of the Crimson Demons had placed on the map to represent the Lava Slime.
"Indeed, between the two of us, we could defeat Guren. But not at the same time we faced the army, or Pandora's Actor," Iris said, leaning over the map and frowning. "Even were we to unite our forces with those of Axel, they would be insufficient. This army is simply too large to fight head on."
"So we f-, so we don't," Bakugo snapped. I pointed a finger at Yunyun. "How many of you people can use Explosion?"
Yunyun blinked. "Um, well, not all the Crimson Demons have mastered Explosion, but a dozen can cast the spell. It's not very useful in a pitched battle though, because you can only do it once, then you're basically useless."
"That's fine. We ain't gonna fight a pitched battle, 'cause we'd lose," Bakugo said.
Iris suddenly nodded. "Yes. We fight a battle we can win: hit and run tactics."
"Yeah. You zap in, shoot your load, then have your buddy get you the hell out of there," Bakugo said. He pointed to the road between the capitol and Axel. "That's a long ass road. Take weeks for a big army to make the trip, even one that ain't human."
"And in that time, we wear them away. Any time of the day or night, a pair of Crimson Demons could arrive, cast Explosion, then vanish. With twelve, we can easily rotate it," Iris agreed.
"Make it random. Don't get predictable. We do that, they ambush us back," Bakugo explained.
"What about Axel? Even doing that, a couple Explosions won't kill Guren," Komekko said with a shake of her head. "We've tried that."
"This Wiz bi… person. She's the Ice Witch, yeah?" Bakugo asked.
"Um, yes, that's what we used to call her," Yunyun agreed. "She ran the shop in Axel for a long time, but she was also one of the Demon King's generals. I used to go to the shop with Megumin all the time, I never even knew she was a lich, she was so kind… but when she uses her Ice Magic… there's no one who can match her. She personally froze Hans the Poison Slime, another general. He wasn't as strong as Guren, but Lava Slimes are weak to Ice magic."
"How many of you can cast ice magic?" Bakugo demanded.
Komekko snorted. "Boy, we are Crimson Demons, master of Advanced Magic. All of us can cast powerful ice magic."
Bakugo's nostrils flared at being called boy, but a quelling look from Iris made him take a deep breath. "So. You know what happens to something hot that gets super cooled?"
"It becomes brittle," Sero said, rubbing his chin. "That happens, one good blow is enough to shatter it."
"Right. And I got a hell of a hammer here," Bakugo said with a grin, lifting up his axe. "Me and you, Iris. We smack that bastard, together."
Iris raised an eyebrow at Bakugo, who blushed faintly. "I mean, together, we can kill that thing, your majesty. Or whatever. Shit, I don't know. Sero, what's the fancy way to say this shit?"
"Er, 'your Majesty, I propose we combine our strength and together attack the foe?'"
"Right, yeah, what he said," Bakugo said, jerking a thumb at Sero.
Iris gave him a level look. "I think I would prefer to hear you say it."
Bakugo gave Sero another glare, and he sighed heavily. "Your majesty, I propose…"
"Your majesty, I propose," Bakugo repeated.
"'That you let me take you out on a date."
"That you let me-YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
Sero sniggered and launched a stream of tape, yanking himself out of the way before Bakugo could leap over the table and attack him.
"YOU COME BACK HERE SERO! THAT'S LE MAJESTY OR SOME SHIT! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!"
"Oh come on Bakugo, if you ask her maybe she'll say yes, you know you want to," Sero teased as he swung from tree to tree using his quirk.
"FUCK YOU!"
Bakugo tried to keep up with his explosions, but in the forest Sero's mobility was nearly unmatched, and Bakugo just ended up smacking into several trees before Sero fell down laughing. Bakugo for his part, yelled at Sero for a bit, then gave up and laughed himself, before sitting next to his comrade and talking to him for a long while. About what, Yunyun could only guess.
"They are quite the pair," Komekko observed. "Reminds me of Kazuma, actually. He was rather the experience himself, from what I remember when I was a girl."
"Perhaps," Iris said, a faint smile on her lips. She turned to Yunyun. "Dine with me, Chief. I would speak with you in private."
"Oh! Um, of course, your majesty," Yunyun hastily agreed, dipping a quick curtsy.
Their meal was not a grand affair, nor were there any servants to attend to them. Instead, Iris and Yunyun shared a pot of stew in the shade of an old oak tree next to a babbling brook.
"What do you think of our divine champions?" Iris asked abruptly after they'd discussed supplies and plans for moving the camp the next day.
"Oh! Um, I mean, Sero's, nice. He, um, well, he sort of asked if he could stay after we win, and, um, I guess I said that I maybe thought that was a good idea and would like him to stay with me," Yunyun admitted, tapping her pointer fingers together and blushing.
"Truly? You are that fond of him?" Iris asked, appearing surprised.
"Um, well, I mean… he's sort of away from his home too, and," Yunyun swallowed, glancing over at the camp, where the Crimson Demons were performing various chores, such as repairing clothes, making magical potions, or tending to their few chickens and goats they took with them. "This… I mean, these are my people, but… but they're also not. I only know Komekko, and, well, she was a little girl when I knew her. She's not really the same person. Everyone I know is dead. Really, I feel like as much of a stranger in a new world as Sero does. And… and, well, he's a good friend."
I shadow passed over Iris' face, and she bowed her head. "I too understand what it is to be alone, Yunyun. You are the only person here I knew before I was sealed away, and we were only passing acquaintances. Everyone else… they are gone. The world we find ourselves in now is a terrible place."
"Iris… are you? You know… OK?" Yunyun asked quietly. "I had a long time to accept that my friends and family were dead. You… you haven't really had any time at all."
"Truely?" Iris whispered, tilting her head up slightly. Yunyun could see tears trickling down the other girls face. "No. No I am not. There is a reason I knew nothing but rage for days after I was awoken. All that I had known, all that I had loved… It was gone. I thought all that was left to me were ashes, death, and vengeance."
"But… but you have us, Iris. We're your friends. You, um, you know that, right? I mean, I know you're the queen, so we can't really be friends, but, um, we could try?"
Iris laughed, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Do you know something? When I was a little girl, I dreamed of having friends, of going on Adventures with them and fighting monsters. I hated being trapped in the palace and treated like a doll all the time. I wanted to explore, to fight, to simply be a girl. That was why I loved Big Bro so much. Kazuma was… different. He never treated me like a princess. I was just… his little sister."
"I just wanted to have friends too," Yunyun admitted. "I was the richest girl in town, the daughter of the chief. Everyone was kind to me, but… no one wanted to be close to me. Except Megumin, but sometimes that was just so she could steal my lunch."
Iris frowned. "Steal your lunch? I know you were rivals, but why would she need to take your food?"
"Well, her family was the poorest in the village. They didn't have much food, and Komekko… well, I mean, she's really old now and still skin and bones, but you've seen how much she can eat. She was that way when she was little, except more so maybe. So, Megumin would give her little sister her own food, and well, I'd give Megumin mine. We graduated at the same time. Did I ever tell you about the time I learned Intermediate Magic to save her and Komekko?"
They ended up sharing a number of stories from their past, often about Megumin, Kazuma, Darkness, and the strange goddess that accompanied them. Iris shared about how she'd kidnapped Kazuma once to be her playmate, and even the time they'd accidentally swapped bodies. They also remembered times with their families, the moment when Yunyun's mother had first showed her how to cook, when Iris' older brother had taught her sword play. For a brief moment, the two girls were allowed to simply be girls.
"Chief, we are ready, the Dark Goddess calls to us!" one of the Crimson Demons said, bringing the conversation to a close.
"Right," Yunyun said, standing and taking up her staff. "Let's show them the power of Explosion magic." That brought a smile to Yunyun's face as they headed for the teleport point. Megumin would have been proud.
Chapter 32: Papa's Home, Parties OverBeta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator
[img: . ]
Papa's Home, Party's Over
You can't go home again.
-Iris Shining Sword Belzerg
"So, you ready to kick some ass?"
Iris looked up from adjusting her gauntlet and nodded. "Yes. Help me with this, Katsuki."
He grunted, picking up the enchanted adamantoise plate and helping put it over her head, then adjusting the straps. Technically, this was the sort of thing an armorer or body servant should do, but in the current circumstances they had no spare hands for those tasks, and as such Bakugo attended Iris' needs.
Not that she minded, these days. He was surprisingly deft at the job, and his sure hands quickly had her fully girded for battle. He'd never been blushing or awkward about it, nor when he helped treat her wounds, nor she his, after a fight. It was obvious that he found her appealing, and if Iris was honest with herself, she was increasingly appreciative of his own physique. But they didn't have time for insipid romance. They had a war to fight.
"Well, do you think you shall be able to keep up with me?" Iris asked once she had on her gear.
Bakugo snorted and hefted his axe. He was bare chested, save for a loose leather vest, and his pants were simple trousers. "Shit, I ain't the one haulin' around a few dozen kilos of metal. You just have to keep up with me."
That prompted a feral grin from Iris. "It wouldn't kill you to wear a little armor yourself, you know."
"What, and make it too easy? That shit would just slow me down anyway," Bakugo laughed. He paused then, a strange look passing over his face. Concern? That was new. "You take care out there today, alright? These fuckers are up to something. Our little hit and run campaign has worked too damn well. I just… I dunno. Feel like shits about to hit the fan."
"I have you, do I not? My faithful shield. With you at my side, we shall not fail," Iris said, reaching up to rest a hand on Bakugo's shoulder. He was quite tall. She liked that in a man. Which was fortunate, as she seemed doomed to share her mother's less than impressive height.
A wide grin spread over Bakugo's face, and he laughed. "Well alright then! Come on. Let's go fuck shit up."
Outside the tent the Crimson Demons were waiting, along with Wiz, Vanir, Sero, Eris herself, and the two other heroes from Japan; Ashido and Kirishima. Unless Iris very much missed her guess, those two were involved with one another, perhaps even more than Yunyun and Sero. She didn't have a problem with it, but did factor that into her tactics. They'd fight harder to support one another, and were likely to do something reckless if they thought their lover was in danger, and would likely break if their partner was injured or died. Still, they seemed capable fighters, and Iris rather enjoyed Ashdio's bubbly attitude. It was refreshing in this bleak world.
"You all know what it is we must do," Iris said to the assembled group. "Guren must be frozen, that Sir Bakugo and I may destroy him. Ashido, Kirishima, you shall assist Eris in slaying Evil Lord Envy. Sero, you shall support the Crimson Demons and ensure they are able to cast their spells without interference. Questions?"
"We'll win, your majesty, don't worry!" Ashido said, giving a thumbs up and a dazzling smile to Iris. That made her smile; it reminded her of Kazuma's own optimism.
"Very well. Lady Eris, before we depart, might we ask for your blessing?" Iris asked.
The young looking goddess nodded seriously, then closed her eyes and spread her arms wide. Around her, the others knelt, bowing their heads. When Iris did the same, Bakugo slowly sank to his own knees, though he kept his eyes open, always on the alert for danger. Or maybe he just thought little of religion. She wouldn't blame him; after being damned she would have struggled to look on the goddesses with favor.
"I, Eris, Goddess of Fortune, grant you all a Divine Blessing. The will of heaven marches with you this day, and I shall be at your side. Go forth, knowing that our cause is righteous. Today, we shall end the scourge that threatens our people, and free Belzerg. This, I, Eris, Goddess of Fortune, say, for I have-"
Eris let out a sudden girlish shriek at the same time Bakugo let out a roar and launched himself forward, his axe swinging in a fiery arch towards the neck of a smiling man in strange clothes that had appeared at the edge of the clearing. The axe came to a sudden halt only millimeters from the man's neck.
"Oh ho, don't mind me! That was very sweet, Eris, an excellent blessing, bravo!" the man said, clapping politely as Bakugo's muscles strained and his nostrils flared, every ounce of his will being directed at swinging his axe. Bakugo's hand trembled, attempting to point at the man's chest and unleash a blast.
"Now now, none of that. Please, why don't you have a seat?" the man pointed, and Bakugo was flung back to Iris' side, landing on his rear end. Iris tried to rise, but found an impossible force pressing her down. She grunted, straining against it, but couldn't even lift her hand.
"Please! Everyone! Calm down. This… this is… oh god… This is Upper Management," Eris said, her face a mask of horror. "He's… he's my boss."
"Oh, I like to think of us as friends, Eris! After all, you're a valued member of our organization!" the man laughed.
Eris flushed and prostrated herself. "Director Koizumi, please! This, this is my world, and these are my followers, I had to, I need to-"
Koizumi clicked his tongue and shook his head, the smile never slipping from his lips. "Now Eris, you know the rules, don't you? You're not supposed to be here. This is in the quarantine zone. Belzerg is a Tomb World now. You know how many gods and goddesses Demiurge has killed. And he's here. Are you really willing to risk it all to save this world? There are so few humans left here, it's hardly worth the bother."
"Hey pal, fuck you!" Bakugo snarled, visibly trembling with effort as he continued to struggle against the will of this god. "These are real people! You can't just-"
"Ah, mortal passion. How quaint. I shall let you know when your input is needed, Mr.-" For the first time, Koizumi's smile slipped as his eyes settled on Bakugo. "… That cannot be right."
Bakugo's lips moved soundlessly now, and Iris let out a snarl of rage. "Unhand him, coward! That is my Sworn Shield, Sir Katsuki Bakugo! He is second only to myself and the goddess in authority in Belzerg!"
"Hmm, ah, yes, you I know, you're supposed to be here," Koizumi said, the smile returning to his face. Then he glanced at Sero, Ashido, and Kirishima, and it slipped again. "How are…? Eris. You have some explaining to do."
"Director Koizumi, I… I merely saw an opportunity to aid my followers," Eris said, her tone pleading. "Please, let me fight alongside them! These mortals, they need our help! We NEED them! I have so few followers left, at least let me fight and die alongside the people I love! What is the point of being a goddess if I cannot fulfill my duties!?"
"Eris. Tell me where you got these… individuals," Koizumi barked, his eyes now burning with an eerie light as an orb of burning golden light appeared above one hand.
"T-they are from Japan, Director. Um, I was judging their souls, and well, I noticed they were strong. Very strong. With their help, we've been pushing back the forces of the Tomb! Bakugo, he and Iris slew Pandora's Actor!"
"What?! Impossible!" Koizumi barked, striding forward to loom over the quivering Eris. "He is the creation of The Lord of the Tomb, his son, an Area Level Guardian! Only the strongest of gods have ever managed to defeat one of those, and only temporarily!"
"It's true! Can you not sense it? The Tomb is losing on this world! We close, so close to finally ending their reign of terror and freeing my followers! Please!"
The golden orb vanished, and Koizumi stalked over to Iris and Bakugo. No! She would not allow this! With a scream of rage, Iris managed to summon Caliber to her hand, swinging it in a low arc towards Koizumi's chest, as Bakugo bellowed and let loose with a small explosion.
A force like nothing Iris had ever felt before picked her up and slammed her down into the ground, driving the breath from her body and crumpling her armor. Bakugo gasped in pain, and Iris thought she heard his ribs crunch as the same happened to him.
"We shall see the truth of this," Koizumi hissed, and put a hand to both of their foreheads. Iris shrieked in pain as something reached into her mind, dragging forth memories. It was all too much, and for a moment, she blacked out. When she came to, she heard only laughter. Groggily, she opened her eyes, and found Koizumi standing over her and Bakugo, his head thrown back as he cackled.
"D-director?" Eris gasped, clutching at her throat. Her feet were kicking at the daggers impaled in the ground as she hung suspended in the air. Apparently, she'd tried to attack this 'Upper Management' person as well.
"Ah, forgive me. It has been some time since I have been surprised. I seem to have overreacted. My apologies, Eris, and to your followers."
Iris sucked in a breath as golden light bathed her body, her wounds healing as her armor was suddenly repaired. Eris dropped to the ground, gasping and trembling.
"So. From Japan, eh?" Koizumi said, standing over Bakugo and looking down. "You have the smell of Shonen about you."
"Fuck off," Bakugo hissed, getting slowly to his feet.
"Ah-ah. I have forgiven your actions once, Bakugo. Try to harm me again, and I shall send you right back to where you should be. And you know where that is, don't you? You'll never see your queen again."
Bakugo paled, but stepped sideways to put himself between Iris and Koizumi. "I'll fight you anyway. I swore an oath to-"
"Oh, I know. It's hilarious! To think, someone such as you falling in love with-but ah, we've had our genre's mixed up for some time, haven't we? I suppose this is only appropriate. It is well that Kyon told me to look into this. I would not have guessed- still, time enough for that later. So, Eris, you think you truely can defeat Demiurge, and free this world?"
Rubbing at her throat, Eris slowly nodded.
"Good." A wide grin reappeared on Koizumi's face, and he bowed. "For now, I shall leave you to your task. Should you succeed, you shall be rewarded. And if you fail… well, you'll all be dead, so the consequences won't really matter to you, will they? I'd say good luck, but well, that's really Eris' thing. Me? I haven't believed in luck for a long time. Farewell."
And as suddenly as he had appeared, Koizumi was gone. Eris got slowly to her feat, her breath slowly returning.
"Eris?" Iris said, her voice sounding shaken in her ears. "Who was that?"
"That was… Upper Management," Eris croaked. "He is… well, you know Aqua? She's a Senior Goddess. Me, I'm just a Junior Goddess, the lowest ranking level of deity. Above Seniors are Elder Gods, Regional Supervisors, and Area Domain Level Supervisors. And… and above them are the Four Directors in Upper Management, then the Chief Goddess. That was… that was Koizumi, Director of Space."
"He's a fucking asshole is what he is," Bakugo snarled. "Fuck him! I-shit, sorry, Iris, I just… damn. I'm sorry. He kicked my ass. I couldn't do anything."
"Considering that he is several levels above a god, I think you can be forgiven," Iris said, feeling utterly shaken. She shook her head. "What was he talking about? Quarantine Zone? Fallen gods?"
Eris sighed heavily. "I… I was forbidden from incarnating here. And… and if I am honest… I did not incarnate. This… this is me. All of me. Not an avatar, not a manifestation, not even an incarnation. I came here, to Belzerg, in all my power. Should I fall here, now, that's it. Goddesses do not have an afterlife. I would die, along with this world. But it was the only chance of victory, and Fortune favors the bold."
"Um, why'd he look at us so weird?" Ashido asked nervously. "He acted like we weren't supposed to be here either."
"I do not know," Eris said slowly. "Shonen… but we are-I do not understand. I shall have to inquire in the Divine Realm. But nevermind. This is still our chance. Do you all feel up to it, to fight the Tomb today?"
"I'm so pissed right now I need to either kill something or fu-or find something to blow up," Bakugo snarled, small pops and cracks sounding as he twitched and lit off some explosions.
"Are we all hale?" Iris asked, looking around. The others nodded, though they all looked shaken. Iris took a deep breath. "Very well. I suppose we have the blessing of the goddess, and of this Upper Management now. Let us begin."
They separated into their groups as the noncombatants began to break down the camp. They'd move as soon as possible, as this location would likely be compromised, the arrival of the strange Koizumi notwithstanding.
Iris took a deep breath then took hold of Komekko's hand, Bakugo taking the other.
"Dark Lady watch over us," Komekko muttered, a prayer to her long dead sister. "Teleport!"
They appeared on a hill overlooking the long, snaking column of the enemy army. Despite constant raids by the Crimson Demons, it hardly appeared as though they'd managed to do any significant damage to the force at all, and Pandora's Actor himself rode at the front on a massive dreadstead. Well. That changed today.
No sooner had they arrived than an icy wind began to blow, and the sky darkened to pitch blackness. Snow and sleet began to rain down as Iris and Bakugo prepared to charge.
"HEAR ME, SISTER! LET THE SOULS OF THE FALLEN CRY OUT IN VENGEANCE! LET YOUR DARK POWER FLOW THROUGH ME!" Komekko screamed to the heavens. "EXPLOSION!"
A massive blast heated the air momentarily, wiping out dozens of demons that had been turning towards them. Komekko gasped, dropping to the ground, but pulled out a hunk of meat and began to chew on it. Somehow, she could metabolize food directly to mana. Invaluable for a mage, and probably why she ate as much as three people twice her size.
"CRYSTAL ICE PRISON!" Wiz's voice bellowed, and a massive ring of icicles formed around Guren.
The ice hissed and began to melt, but Iris extended her hand as she and Bakugo raced forward. "DIVINE BLIZZARD!"
More Crimson Demons nearby cried out spells as well, icy orbs and bolts impacting Guren and turning his fiery body to jagged stone.
At the same time, Vanir and Eris attacked Pandora's actor at the head of the collum, the shapeshifter taking on the form of a bird like monster and firing a stream of magical arrows, even as the goddess and Duke of Hell struck back. That battle, however, was not the one Bakugo was focused on.
"We've got him!" Iris snarled as Bakugo laughed and launched himself forward on an explosion.
And then Guren shifted, shrinking in on himself. Bakugo and Iris stumbled to a stop, their breath misting before them. "What the fuck?"
"Ach! Frauline! I was beginning to wonder when I would see you again!" a familiar, cheery voice called.
"No," Iris growled. "No!"
The ice around where gurren had been shattered and broken, and from within the icy prison strode Pandora's Actor, twirling a marshal's baton. "Oh, but you disappoint me, Frauline. Such a cold reception! It does not befit one such as you."
"DIE!" Bakugo screamed, jumping forward and swinging his axe in a blaze of smoke and flame, only for Pandora's Actor to catch it on his baton.
"Are you not curious?" the strange generalisimo asked, his tone injured. "Do you not wish to know how I am alive, Wutjager?"
"DON'T FUCKIN' CARE!" Bakugo roared. "IRIS! What do we do? We fight, or what?"
"Kill him!" Iris snarled, and lept to the attack. "Kill them all!"
"Such a lack of manners! Ach, a man creates such a cunning illusion, and no one cares! Na dann dann. Sehr gutt, to business then! Come, mine friends, it is time for Frauline Iris to join her father and brother."
Two dark portals opened up beside Pandora's actor, and two demons strode forth, one that appeared to be a beautiful young man with plate armor and dark wings, the other a brute with curving horns and large fangs and claws.
"The Evil Lords serve the Son of Ainz Ool Gown," the brute hissed. He grinned at Bakugo. "Ah. One who lives by wrath. Today, human, your sin shall be your downfall. I shall-"
"DIE!" Bakugo screamed, and unleashed a barrage of explosions on the two newcomers as Iris raced in and began a deadly dance with Pandora's actor.
"My daughter, why do you resist?" her father said as the shapeshifter took his face and body. "Law down your sword, your father commands it!"
"MY FATHER IS DEAD!" Iris screamed, tears freezing to painful crystal on her cheeks. "AND YOU KILLED HIM!"
"Sister, please, there is no need for this violence," Jatis her brother pleaded. "Come, rest with us. Here, there is peace. Better yet, swear yourself to the Tomb. Save our people with your sacrifice!"
"DIE!" Iris shrieked, unleashing a barrage of destructive magic. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Bakugo suddenly attacked Jatis from behind, his axe biting deep into the prince's back. From the corner of her eye, Iris saw Sero and Yunyun now battling against the two demon Evil Lords, along with half a dozen Crimson Demons. They didn't appear to be winning, but at the same time, they didn't look to be losing either.
"Two on one? Have you no honor, my sister?" Jatis demanded as me backed away.
"My honor is the blood of my people!" Iris snapped.
"Fuck off pal, this is a fight, not a duel!" Bakugo cackled. He raised his axe above his head, flames suddenly wreathing his body. "RED! IT'S TIME TO PARTY!"
I COME, MASTER!
From the inferno a massive red dragon appeared, roaring in anger and rage. BURN, DEMON!
The flames washed over Iris, but instead of consuming her, life flowed through her body as her wound knit. Flowers bloomed in the icy ground, and grass sprang up around Iris' feet. Thus was the power of the Divine Axe, and the spirit of the Red Wyrm within it, made manifest.
The Son of Ainz, however, only tutted as Jatis burned away. "This is the best you have?"
"DIE!" Bakugo roared once more as Vaelastraez returned to the form of an axe. Iris fell into synch with him, and together they both unleashed a barrage of explosions, Bakugo from his quirk, Iris with the aid of Caliber and her Sacred Explode.
This time, Pandora's actor's for twisted, and Vaelastraez was suddenly pierced by a black arrow as a skeletal sorcerer appeared. He bore a golden staff, and had a broad mantle that seamed to be made of the bones of some massive creatures. Bakugo didn't think it was that impressive of a form compared to the others he's seen from Pandora's Actor, until it spoke.
"This farce has gone on long enough. I tire of these games. Now, witness the glory, of AINZ OOAL GOWN!"
The staff glowed, streams of power shot out in all directions. Iris and Bakugo tried to dodge, but some of them impacted them anyway, flinging them about. Still, they pressed on, ignoring the pain. Bakugo tried to charge in from the left as Iris bore down from the right, only for waves of ice and flame to drive them back.
"You see now. How futile it all is. This is the form of my father; the Lord of the Tomb himself. In the end, you mortals are nothing but-"
"DIE!" Bakugo screamed, firing off his quirk again, as Iris shouted "SACRED EXPLODE!" Both their attacks cut off the speech and staggered their foe, and they charged in yet again. Just as Iris was about to deliver a crushing blow with Caliber, something gripped her heart, and she fell to her knees, gasping for breath. Her vision swam, and part of her saw Bakugo doing the same, retching and chocking as he clutched at his chest. Somehow, that was more painful than her own agony.
"All this effort, for naught. Did you truly think you could face the might of Nazarick, humans?" the Lich sneered as he raised a skeletal fist that pulsed with a sinister light. "No mortal can."
"Well what about a goddess?" Eris demanded, and lept from the shadows, her daggers slamming into the back of Pandora's Actor. He stumbled, and the goddess shouted, "SACRED TURN UNDEAD!"
The invisible fist gripping Iris's heart vanished, and she gasped and stood. Pandora's actor had shifted, this time to a massive six armed creature wielding a halbert.
"Goddess," the thing hissed. "I should have known. Well we have accounted for this."
"ACCOUNT FOR THIS, ASSHOLE!" Bakugo roared, and jumped at the bug monster. He was nearly skewered by it's weapon, only for Iris to interpose her blade. The creature was stronger than she, but by blocking her attack, Eris got another opening, circling around and stabbing at it again. When the creature swept it's weapon after the goddess, Bakugo and Iris attacked again. After a violent struggle, Pandora's actor fell, scorched by Bakugo's quirk, bleeding from Eris's daggers, and mauled by Iris's magic.
"This is not over," the Floor Guardian hissed backing away.
"I think it is." Iris raised Caliber, bringing it down in an arc to deliver the final blow. Instead of cleaving Pandora's Actor in half, a metallic tail snaked out, deflecting the blow.
"Well well," a smooth, cultured voice chuckled. "What have we here?"
Ice colder than even Wiz's spell ran through Iris' veins. She swallowed, taking a step back. Bakugo, sensing her worry, raised his axe in a guard position, his lips bared in a soundless snarl.
The Demiurge stalked from the shadows, his glasses glinting in the dim light. "The lost heir, in the flesh. You have caused problems for us. And heroes from another world," Demiurge purred. "That leaves only-"
More ice shattered, and Kirishima, Ashido, and Eris charged through. Instead of retreating, Demiurge smiled.
"And here we all are. Pandora, are they ready?"
The Generalisimo slowly stood, panting. "Ja. The Gottjager are ready, sent by the Godslayer."
"Godslayer?!" Eris gasped. "Kill them, kill them before-"
Demiurge suddenly threw a glowing glass sphere to the ground, and Iris sagged, as if her enchanted armor's full weight were dragging her down. Eris raised her hand, shouting, "Sacred Exorcism!" but nothing happened.
Demiurge laughed, shaking his head. "There will be no more magic here today. Nor shall there be any levels, World Class Items, or other trickery. We shall fight as we were born, with only machines to aid us. Of course, my machines are slightly better."
"What the fuck is he on about?" Bakugo growled, circling between Iris and Demiurge.
"Anti-magic zone," Iris panted, forcing herself to stand. Caliber felt dead in her hands, a simple hunk of iron instead of the Divine Blade. "Our magic. It's gone."
"Bakugo, we got trouble!" Kirishima called as he raced forward, Ashido at his side. "Wait, holy shit, those guys have-"
There was a sound like great curtains being ripped, then dozens thudding impacts on the ice and Kirishima's body, followed by thudding booms.
Demiurge laughed, withdrawing a metallic object that Iris had never seen before from his suit. "Indeed. The Gottjager are armed with what the Godslayer calls 'modern' weaponry. I quite like it." He raised the weapon, and Bakugo started laughing.
"Are you serious? Are you really serious?"
Demiurge grinned. "Of course. Never bring a sword to a gunfight." There was a sharp crack, and Iris cried out.
At the same time though, Bakugo let loose with an explosion, and Demiurge stumbled back. Something whined by Iris' head.
"There's a reason no one brings a gun to a quirk fight," Bakugo growled. "Kirishima?"
"Man, they got grenades. I can feel those," Kirishima said, his tone more that of a whine than anything resembling concern. "No AP rounds though, so I'm good. Mina, just stick behind me, let's deal with these clowns."
"How… this is impossible! You cannot use any magic or skills in an Anti-Magic zone!" Demiurge hissed, taking a step back as Pandora's Actor began to creep away from Bakugo.
"This ain't magic, you stupid son of a bitch," Bakugo laughed. "This is my quirk! Sero! Don't let Hans here get away!"
Pandora's Actor broke into a run, but tape shot out, wrapping him and then dragging him back to where Sero and Yunyun had arrived to the fight.
"How," Pandora's actor groaned. "I do not wish to die… mein vater, I-"
Yunyun plunged her dagger into the eye socket of the shapeshifters mask. He twitched, then lay still. Even as that played out, Bakugo attacked Demiurg, who was using both his gun and his claws and tail to desperately try to hold the boy at bay.
"How! What are you? Are you even human!?" Demiurge demanded as he desperately tried to escape from Bakugo. His demonic strength and agility were letting him evade some of the attacks, but he was clearly taking heavy damage. Bakugo, on the other hand, seemed to know exactly what to do, moving erratically and using his explosions and the smoke to hide himself.
"You don't know shit! The first thing they train us on is to how to fight some asshole with a gun!" Bakugo cackled. "That's hero course prep 101! And of course we're human, just like you!"
"I AM NO HUMAN!" Demiurge roared, drawing a hidden blade to slash at Bakugo and scoring a shallow cut on his chest. However, he also took a hit from one of Bakugo's explosions, which sent the demon flying.
"Nice try. Looks like this is the end of the line, four eyes," Bakugo laughed, striding over to the battered Demiurge.
"Not quite," the demon gasped, and pulled out a glowin cylinder. "You should pay more attention to your surroundings. Teleport."
Bakugo pounced just as Demiurge vanished, apparently out of Anti-Magic zone. Iris clanked over to his side, panting heavily from needing to move her heavy plate without the benefit of her skills. She sighed in relief as she stepped outside of the Anti-Magic zone, and looked around.
Between the two of them, Kirishima and Ashido had annihilated the Gottjager, which turned out to have been made up of heavily armed trolls, goblins, orcs, demons, and other monstrous races. Apparently, their strange and powerful weapons had been nearly worthless against Kirishima's quirk, and their armor had offered no protection against Ashido's acid.
"That bastard!" Bakugo growled, stalking over to Iris. "You OK?"
"Yes. But this is not over," Iris said, her expression grim. "Yunyun reported their fortress was nearly empty. We've defeated their army. The time to strike is now."
"Finally!" Bakugo laughed. "So what do we do?"
Iris glanced over at the others. The Crimson Demons mostly looked drained and exhausted as they excited the Anti-Magic Zone. Kirishima was being treated for minor injuries, and Ashido had produced enough acid that she'd burned her own skin, while Eris was unconscious. As a being of near pure mana, the Anti-Magic zone had hit her hard. Wiz and Vanir were still dealing with the remaining demons and undead themselves. Only Komekko looked to be recovering quickly, gulping down a hunk of bread and cheese.
"We go alone," Iris told Bakugo softly.
"What?" Sero said, looking up from treating Yunyun's wounds. "Don't be dumb! You two run off now, you'll just get yourselves killed!"
"Komekko, can you take us to the old palace?" Iris asked, ignoring Sero's objections.
Komekko slowly nodded, swallowing the last of her food. "If that is your will, Iris. It will be dangerous."
"We shall never have a better time to strike. Quickly, before Demiurge has a chance to recover or rally his forces," Iris ordered.
"As you will. Let this be finished," Komekko agreed, stepping to Iris and Bakugo's side.
"No, wait, don't-" Yunyun shouted, but then it was too late. Iris closed her eyes as Komekko took them to her old home.
They arrived in the old courtyard, but it wasn't the bright and shining place of marble Iris remembered. Now, the stone was black and grey, and icons of the Great Tomb adorned it instead of bright banners of Belzerg. But he was here, stumbling away from them, still wounded. The Demiurge. Her prey.
"DIE!" Bakugo screamed, launching himself forward and bringing his axe down in a wide arc.
Demiurge rolled away with a hiss, coming up on his knees and adjusting his glasses. "I didn't think you'd be this foolish. Well. This changes things."
"Yeah, cause now you die!" Bakugo sneered.
"I think not. GUREN! It is time!"
Behind them, the city suddenly erupted in flames as Gurn the Slime surged forth from beneath the stones. It was a monstrous creature, easily twenty feet tall, it's body made of liquid flowing lava, and it began to surge forwards towards the palace.
"I am immune to flames," Demiurge hissed as he backed away from Bakugo. "Can you say the same?"
Komekko turned towards Guren, frowning. "My queen. It has been my life's dream to see this land restored. Fare you well. I go now to be with my sister."
"Komekko!" Iris gasped. "What are you-"
"Come forth, magic of my soul! I grant you the power of my essence, my blood, my very will! Come forth, Crimson Magic, and consume all! EXPLOSION!"
A searing light roared from Komekko's mouth as the sky filled with a rainbow of dazzling lights. Iris gasped, jumping forward and grabbing Bakugo, then leaping for the shelter of the palace as Komekko wrought her last and greatest spell. The air rippled with power, and the earth bucked and trembled. Then, the blast came. A white light so bright that even looking away Iris cried out in pain from it's terrible beauty. The shockwave picked her and Bakugo up and tossed them like toys through the stone walls of the palace that shattered around them. The sound made Iris' ears pop and bleed and for a long while she lay amidst the ruins of rock and stone, dazed and unable to move.
Somehow, Bakugo got to his feet first, grabbing Iris and hauling her up. For a moment, his lips moved and she heard no sound. Then it all returned in a roar.
"-coming through that fucking portal!" Bakugo was shouting. "Demiurge is heading right for it!"
Blinking, Iris looked and saw that the palace had crumbled, but at its center somehow, impossibly, a portal stood. A great green swirling maelstrom of mana and power. Through it strode endless ranks of undead warriors dressed in glimmering golden plate. Demiurge was limping towards the powertal, despite everything, still alive.
"We have to destroy it," Iris snarled. "Otherwise, this is all for naught! That army will overrun Belzerg!"
"Right," Bakugo agreed. "You ready?"
Iris raised Caliber, took a deep breath and nodded. Then, together, they ran forward towards the advancing ranks of undead.
At first, they blitzed through the skeletons, Caliber slicing through their golden armor like it was made of cloth, while Bakugo's explosions shattered them to shards of bone and metal. But then the undead started to counter attack. Impossibly, each of them seemed to be armed with a divine weapon of some sort, from swords that crackled with lightning, to hammers that made the earth shake at their touch, to spears that when thrown multiplied into dozens of projectiles. Some of the blows were deflected by Iris' armor, but more bit into her and she was already wearied and wounded. She cried out in pain, but pressed on, firing off spells and forcing her way through.
She had just blasted a dozen undead to dust with a Divine Explosion when she heard a grunt and thump behind her. She turned to see Bakugo with an axe buried in his chest, his eyes glazing over with pain. The undead had closed in around them, and Iris realized that the blow had been meant for her.
"Fucker," Bakugo gasped. "Sorry. Guess I failed. Got… got one more in me."
"Katsuki!" Iris cried, fear driving a nail into her heart. No! Not again! She wasn't going to watch someone she loved die all over again!
"Get it done," Bakugo wheezed as the undead closed in. Then he turned towards the portal and jumped forward. "DIE!"
Bakugo's last explosion scattered the final rank of the undead, revealing the portal and Demiurge. Bakugo's axe went spinning through the air, taking Demiurge between the shoulder blades. He stumbled into the portal and vanished, even as more undead soldiers strode forth.
"NO!" Iris raged. She leapt at the portal, Caliber swinging down with all her might at the base. "DIE!"
There was light, and pain, and then all else faded. The next thing Iris knew, she was sitting in a circle of light in an endless void. Across from her sat Director Koizumi, a wide grin on his face.
Iris didn't hesitate. She leapt across the intervening space and her fist slammed into the gods chin. He flew out of his chair, slid across the circle of light, and vanished into the void.
"WHERE IS KATSUKI?!" Iris screamed, picking up the chair to use as an improvised weapon. "I SHALL NOT ALLOW ALL AROUND ME TO DIE AGAIN!"
She raged for long minutes, tossing about the two chairs and slamming her fists into the invisible barrier between the light and the void. All of her anger, all of her rage, all of her supposed power, proved to be completely impotent. At last, Iris dissolved into tears, sinking to her knees and burying her head in her hands. It didn't matter. None of it mattered. Everyone was dead. Even her.
"This wasn't what my life was supposed to be!" Iris wailed. "Where is the joy! Where is the adventure! The laughter, the smiles, the love! I have nothing! Not even ashes are left to me now!"
"Well, I guess that about sums up my current problem too," a weary girl's voice said.
Iris sprang to hear feet, spinning around to find a girl about her own age sitting cross legged in the pool of light. She had yellow ribbons in her dark hair, and was wearing some sort of strange uniform, composed of a white and blue blouse and skirt.
"Who… who are you?" Iris managed, her hands balling to fists.
"God," the girl replied. "But you can call me Haruhi."
"I have met many gods. What makes you special?" Iris demanded.
"Well, I'm an uppercase G myself," Haruhi replied. She extended a hand to Iris. "Haruhi Suzumiya. Chief Goddess, Comedy Division."
Numbly, Iris shook Haruhi's hand. Comedy division? "Well. I suppose you're the god of someone else's world then, My life has been anything but a comedy. A tragedy would be more appropriate. I have had nothing but war and sorrows."
"Yeah. That wasn't how this was supposed to work. You were supposed to be the imoto character in an isekai harem spoof," Haruhi sighed. "Heck, you were even supposed to be the strongest character in your universe."
"Much good it did me," Iris muttered. "The imoto? That was what Kazuma called me. And isekai… does that not mean 'another world' in Japanese? What is this you speak of, goddess?"
"Things are… complicated," Haruhi sighed. "Basically, I screwed up. Well, not just me, but I'm the one I suppose you should blame, considering I'm supposed to be the ultimate authority in your genre. I've spent two centuries trying to figure out a way to fix my mistake."
"Would that be the Lord of the Tomb?" Iris demanded, her eyes narrowing.
"Pretty much, yeah. Unfortunately, I'm the Goddess of Comedy, and Ainz is from some sort of villain protagonist power fantasy in Horror. He's been going around stomping my worlds, and there's not much I can do about it," Haruhi admitted.
"Are you not a powerful Goddess? Why can you not put a stop to this!?" Iris demanded.
"Oh, I tried. Nearly killed myself doing that. But I don't have any power over Ainz; he's outside of my domain. And one thing Comedy lacks is fighters as strong as the ones that the Tomb has. I mean, you're literally the most powerful fighter I have access to, except maybe Seiya, and you got stomped. Even with that Shonen boy's help."
None of that made much sense to Iris, but she rose to her feet anyway. "Then I demand you do something! Send me back! Let me fight again, and free my people! Pandora's Actor escaped from death! Do the same for me!"
Haruhi slowly nodded. "Ok, but you won't be going back to Belzerg. Not at first. I've cut a deal, and I want to read you in on it, but you're going to one of King Kai's planets."
"That is not what I want! I want to free my people, and… and to have Katsuki back! He is the only one who ever stood by my side in battle! How am I supposed to find another Shield such as him?!" Iris demanded.
"You fell for him, didn't you?" Haruhi asked with a heavy sigh. "You weren't supposed to like bad boy types."
"He is the strongest man I have ever met. The only one worthy to stand by my side, and help defend my people. Love has nothing to do with this," Iris spat, but inside her emotions were a turbulent storm even she couldn't understand.
"Well, the good news is, I'm sending you to a highschool AU. Going to have to find SOME way to get the comedy ball rolling again," Haruhi said, getting to her feet. "And don't worry, Katsuki Bakugo will be there too."
"Truely?" Iris gasped, her hand going to her chest as her heart pounded. "You shall… but no! You must send me back to Belzerg! We were close, so close, to finally freeing my people! I am the queen of Belzerg, you cannot-"
"No time will pass in Belzerg while you are gone, don't worry. But Iris, you just drove out Demiurge. The entire world is still full of monsters, demons, and worse. If you just go back on your own, you'll die again."
"Then what is the point?" Iris demanded, hot tears leaking onto her cheeks. "How can I save my people?"
"The school I am sending you to is a school for heroes. It's the one Bakugo attended, along with the other three you met. You might just find help there," Haruhi pointed out.
Slowly, Iris nodded. "Very well. I shall find heroes willing to help me reclaim my kingdom."
"Good plan. But Iris? Just… take some time to learn to laugh again. Be a girl. Have some fun. Live a little. The world you're going to, well, it's not totally safe, but it's a good one. Just… smile, OK? I'm the Goddess of Comedy. Without laughter, what's the point?"
Iris forced a grin on her face. "Very well. I shall learn to smile again, if I can."
"Great. And keep this quiet, OK? Just between the two of us," Haruhi said. "Super. Glad we had this talk. Well, good luck. Guess this is the reverse isekai I've been wanting…"
That last line was confusing, but Haruhi reached out, touching Iris' forehead, and she fell into a deep sleep.
As usual, she dreamed of blood and death. She wondered if she would ever dream of anything else again.
Author's Note:
This is the last flashback chapter. We have a special interlude with Da Chief and some DEEP LORE, and then it's back to your regularly scheduled wacky hijinks and existential dread.
Interlude: The Apotheosis of Haruhi SuzumiyaThe Apotheosis of Haruhi Suzumiya
[img: . ]
Smile, darn ya, smile
You know this great world is a good world after all
Smile, darn ya, smile
And right away watch lady luck pay you a call
Things are never black as they are painted
Time for you and joy to get acquainted
So make life worthwhile
Come on and smile, darn ya, smile
-From Who Framed Rodger Rabbit, by Sammy Davis Jr.
Look, if you were expecting Kyon, he's busy. Probably dealing with yet another incursion from Horror. Alucard really is a son of a bitch, and that whole Isekai Quartet thing was a mistake from the start.
Sorry, sorry, I know. I'm just not very good at telling serious stories, and, well, I'll try to make you laugh with this one, but honestly most days now I just feel like laying down and crying. Which is pretty stupid considering what I am now. Or always was?
Ugh. Anyway, let's take it back a few millennia. Or, however long it's been. I don't really experience time the way I did back when I thought I was mortal.
Right, introductions: Hello, I'm God. Or at least, I'm the Goddess of Comedy. It's all very weird and complicated and I don't feel like explaining theology right now because it's hella boring.
Where was I? Right. The beginning. Or at least, my beginning.
I was born Haruhi Suzimiya in Nishinomiya Japan, in the year 1988. Which is super weird when you think about it, because we're reckoning the date there from when Jesus was born, and I'm a literal deity and I've never met the guy. Not that I've tried too hard, but he's never at any of the staff meetings or the Division Chief's little get-togethers. But, then again, we're literally just the Japanese Department of Heaven. Maybe he's actually jewish or something. Ha! Sorry. That was a stupid joke.
Honestly, growing up, I knew something was just… off. That I was different. Special. I mean, I think basically every kid thinks that, but I was actually right. I spent most of my youth pretty damn frustrated about everything, because the world was just so BORING. Nothing interesting ever happened! There were no aliens, no espers, no time travelers, no sliders, nothing! Just ordinary people.
It would be just my luck that I showed up in a Slice of Life World first. They are just so dull they're not even worth talking about most of the time. I mean, I run a bunch of them now, but I make sure to put in a few wacky elements wherever I can. Be kinda nice if I'd actually ever gotten any worlds with people with a bunch of superpowers, but I always was the odd one out even among gods.
So, anyway, there I was, growing up human. Super, duper boring. Part of it was because literally everything was easy for me. Study for a test? Why bother. I had perfect memory and if I thought about most things hard enough I could figure them out. Math in particular was a joke as I always intuitively knew all the answers even before the question was asked. Sports? Please. It's no fun to play when you are 9 years old and are already on the level of most professional athletes. Seriously, I ran a 13 second 100 meter dash before I was 10, could deadlift 50 kilos before I was 12, and I was a girl.
I mean, I sort of am still a girl, or at least I think so. It's weird. Ask Nagato, she knows more about it than me. Or at least she cares more about it than I do.
Everyone wanted me to go to some super elite private academy or try out for the highschool sports team, but what was the damn point? I already knew I would get the best grades and win everything I tried my hand at. So it would be boring before I even started.
In a desperate cry for help, for SOMETHING to happen, I made up my own language and snuck into school and wrote a message for aliens on the field.
Except, I didn't write those lines. Kyon did. As John Smith. I still think it's hilarious I make everyone call him that even after all these years.
I'd say I'm getting ahead of myself again, but honestly my timeline is messed up even by deity standards, so there you go. Anyway, Kyon came back in time, and for the first time EVER, something interesting happened! I thought he was like, a secret agent or an alien or whatever, or maybe just a jerk playing a prank on me, but it was fun! And I decided I was going to North High, because that's where John Smith was.
Fast forward a couple of years, and I meet Kyon, only I don't know he's John Smith and he hasn't met me yet because he doesn't travel back in time for a while. Complicated, see? But we hit it off, and we start the Spreading Excitement all Over the World with Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade. Or as Kyon called it (because even I admit that's kinda a mouthful) the SOS Brigade.
And I met an actual alien, time traveler, and esper. Only, I didn't KNOW they were an alien, time traveler, and esper. You see, I'd sort of subconsciously created all those things in what was supposed to be a totally normal slice of life world. I mean hell, the person who was supposed to be the ACTUAL main character lived in Tokyo (because of course they did). But I kept pulling in all this weird stuff, or just flat creating it outright, because I was bored.
And I didn't even know I was doing it. That's how talented I am.
For most rational beings, the idea that some rando highschool girl is actually a super powerful reality warper at the low end of the scale and literally God in the worst scenario is utterly terrifying. So, I sort of attracted the attention of some powerful forces. They sent representatives to keep an eye on me. Pretty quick, everyone realized that if I got bored, bad things happened, so they instructed their agents to keep me happy. Nagato, the alien interface who had no idea how to interact with humans, and was nearly as powerful as I was (and had a hell of a lot better control). Mikuru, the cute airheaded time traveler who just wanted to make everyone around her take a chill pill. Koizumi the esper, my very first worshiper.
He is still salty I won't sleep with him. Sorry, I just ain't interested. Kyon or Mikuru had a better chance anyway. Look, I know I act like I'm super into romance, and I really do like to set mortals up and get them to do the horizontal hula (I consider Nagato and Kyon my finest hour in that regard) but for me personally I've never been interested. Or at least not since ascension. Just like most natural born deities (figure that out) I've got no interest in procreation, because, well, we don't procreate that way.
And then there was Kyon. Who appeared to be a perfectly ordinary highschool student, and is still my best friend. We did all sorts of wacky stuff to keep me entertained. We made a bad movie, played baseball, I became a rockstar and then retired, all kinds of stuff all just to keep me from getting bored and starting a zombie apocalypse or something to entertain myself.
And you know what? It worked. That was easily the happiest time of my life. I loved every minute of it, even when I acted like I didn't. Hell, now that I remember it, I even enjoyed that time Nagato stole my powers and re-wrote the universe to try to hook up with Kyon. Seriously girl, all you had to do was show him your tits or something and he'd have been all up for it. He's not that complicated. But, well, when you're an alien trying to figure out how humans work, you do some weird stuff. I mean, just look at me.
But, all good things must come to an end, at least if you're a mortal anyway. And I just about destroyed the entire world when I thought my little slice of paradise was going to go away.
You'd think the apocalypse would be something cool: an alien power was going to invade and try to suck the goddess juices out of me. A cult formed and tried to unleash my hidden powers and use me to rule the universe. Another rival deity showed up and challenged me to a children's card game for the fate of the universe (or as Yami and I like to call it: Friday Night Magic. Because screw his stupid Duel Monsters game, he always wins! Swear to me, that's why I made Tet an Elder God: just to teach that smug prick Yami a lesson).
No, it was actually super lame: Mikuru was going to graduate from highschool. We'd had two glorious years together, and I wasn't ready to let her go.
Little did I know that everyone had this all worked out. Mikuru was going to get a job as a TA at North High, and become our club sponsor, while they introduced another Moe character for me to sexually harass. Did you know that Koizumi actually thought that if I got laid I'd have mellowed out? He seriously tried to get himself, Kyon, Mikuru, and even Nagato to bang me out of desperation. Oh man, that was hilarious. Apparently I accidentally turned him into a girl for a week when he put the moves on me and Kyon had to trick me into changing Koizumi back into a boy. I'm half convinced Kyon lost his virginity to fem!Koizumi but Nagato tells a different story and she's a terrible liar, but you can't take my fanfictions from me.
Also I created a pocket universe where that totally happened. One of the benefits of being god is you can make all your OTPs a reality even if they're ridiculous. Unfortunately Ainz invaded and slaughtered everyone, which makes me sick just thinking about it. Fem!Koizumi and Alt!Kyon had even had a couple of kids by that point, and my not-actually-a-deity alternate had hooked up with alt!Mikuru. Nearly got myself killed trying to save them. Anyway.
Ok, sorry, this is just… it's hard to talk about. Because I really, really hurt my friends during that time. I said and did some terrible things to them. Not, summon forth an eldritch being and eat them bad, just… regular, mean things that only your best friends and loved ones can do and say to you.
I won't go into all the details of what I said and did to them. What I did to Kyon was particularly hurtful. I think it's why I'll never actually have a real romance, because it drove him right into Nagato's arms, even as they desperately tried to keep the world from falling apart as I called into being increasingly bizarre things. I never really learned about any of them, mostly because I wasn't paying attention. I was too depressed and frightened about what would happen with Mikuru, my shy, quiet, eternally abused friend, left me for college.
Honestly it was just normal human teenager drama. Or in my case, deity teenager drama.
And, like any messed up teenager, I needed a grownup to come in and set me straight.
It started when I did something particularly egregious: I made us all go and watch Godzilla: Final Wars. There were some hijinks involved in that, but the worst was when I insisted on having us dress up as kaiju. I accidentally turned everyone into mini-kaiju, but Nagato undid it.
What she didn't undo was when I summoned Godzilla and had him wreck a small pacific island. She didn't even find out about that. No one did, really. Because someone else came in and took care of it, restoring the island's inhabitants and keeping things quiet, even though they literally summoned an ancient dragon to do it.
And the next day, we had a substitute teacher. He was actually super unremarkable. Quiet, nerdy looking guy, late 20s, early 30s, with glasses and a big smile. Sure, he was jacked to all hell, but I was too busy stewing in my own juices to notice.
"Good morning class, I'm Mr. Son. I'll be taking over for your teacher today. Please get out last night's homework."
"Ugh, this is so dumb," I complained. I leaned forward and poked at Kyon. "Hey, did you do the homework? I forgot."
Kyon spun about, going pale. He had correctly guessed I was about to do some serious deity level nonsense. "You forgot?! You never forget your homework!"
"After the movie I didn't feel like it. Man, I wish Godzilla would actually show up so I didn't have to deal with this," I whined.
There was a sudden thud outside, and the building trembled. I ignored it, earthquakes are boring when they happen all the time. Our teacher adjusted his glasses, frowning. "Sorry, just one moment. I need to deal with something."
He walked out of the room, and I grabbed Kyon's homework and copied it down, not even noticing he'd got up and ran after our teacher. Like most everyone else, I didn't notice when Son Gohan and Nagato stopped the rampaging kaiju in the city park. I was so busy copying down the homework I didn't even notice when all my classmates suddenly decided it was nap time.
In fact, I was so oblivious, I didn't even look up when someone sat in Kyon's seat. I'd given up on the homework and was doodling about our next Brigade activity, but I was really just dreading that we only had a month of school left before graduation.
"Haruhi Suzumiya?" a nasaly voice said.
I frowned, not bothering to look up. "Yeah, who's asking? Look, if I'm going to get in trouble for copying the homework, I want you to know it's Kyon's fault."
"My name is King Kai. And I think you and I need to talk about your little problem. This world isn't supposed to have kaiju in it."
I blinked, and looked up. Then I did the sensible thing and let out a scream and fell out of my desk, because a blue grasshopper man was talking to me. Look, I might have said I wanted to meet aliens and monsters my whole life, but actually coming face to face with a blue skinned man wearing sunglasses was enough to scare the hell out of me.
"Are… are you an alien?" I gasped, breathing hard as a huge grin spread over my lips. "Did you get my message!? Why did it take you so long to get here!?"
And rationality gone. I've never been able to maintain what most would consider a normal level of common sense and sanity for very long. It's my nature. Literally: I'm the Goddess of Comedy (and Shipping). I can't go five minutes without doing something weird.
"I suppose by most standards, I am an alien," the blue cricket guy agreed. "But we-"
There was the sound of running footsteps, and Koizumi and Mikuru ran into the room. She had a futuristic looking laser blaster, and he had a blowing sphere of energy in his hand.
"Get away from her!" Koizumi roared, and threw the ball of energy.
Only for the world's ugliest troll doll to appear in the way of the blast, and catch it like a frisbee.
"Hmph. Not even worth the bother if you ask me," the short guy with the tall hairdo muttered. He squashed his hands together, and the energy vanished.
"W-who are you?" Mikuru gasped, raising her gun in trembling hands. "I-if you don't leave Haruhi alone, I, I'll shoot!"
"How adorable. Listen, girly, I don't know how you avoided getting hit with King Kai's little trick, but that pop gun you have there isn't anything that could put a dent in a real saiyan warrior. Your boyfriend's energy blast wasn't totally pathetic for a human, but you're just not on my level."
"I don't know who you are," Koizumi growled, summoning another energy ball. "But if you threaten Haruhi, we'll end you!"
"Woah, woah, wait, hold up. When did you guys become secret agents or whatever?!" I demanded, standing up and pushing aside the guy who I would later learn can definitely take even me in a fight. Vegita's kinda an asshole, and I was so close to biting it right then. "This is so cool! Why didn't you tell me you were an esper, Koizumi?! You know the whole point of the Brigade is to find interesting people like that!"
Koizumi flinched back. "Um, this is all just a play. A, er, event, we created for you, Miss Suzimya. I'd appreciate it if you just stepped outside, while I had a discussion with these gentlemen."
"No need. I think I can see what's going on here," the blue guy said, coming over. He inspected Mikuru and Koizumi as Vegita stood in the background, glowering. He does a really good glower.
"I'm glad someone does. Why didn't you just take Kakarrot and his brat to solve this problem? I have things of my own to take care of, King Kai," Vegita spat, but he was tensed for a fight.
"Because she's already created her own Pantheon. These two are semi-divine already," King Kai said, nodding to Mikuru and Koizumi. "That's amazing. I've seen deities pop into existence before, but never one this powerful. How did she go unnoticed for so long?"
"Wait, what are you even talking about?" I demanded, rounding on King Kai. "Who are you, anyway, and why'd you just show up?"
"I'll explain later. Right now I need you to come with me, and get your two other friends to stand down. Goku and Gohan are having a hard time deescalating things without having to kill anyone, and I'd like to avoid that," King Kai told me.
"I am so up for an alien abduction right now!" I said eagerly. "Come on you guys, let's get Kyon and Nagato and go! This is going to be great"!
"Haruhi, this… you're not supposed to know about this," Koizumi cried, looking desperately between me and King Kai. "If you realize- everything we've worked for, the entire world, it could all be at risk!"
"It's already at risk. Don't worry, now that I'm here I'll stabilize everything and get things back to normal. But we really do need to go stop the fight that's brewing," King Kai said, and put a hand on my shoulder.
The next thing I knew, we appeared in what was left of the city park. There were smoking craters everywhere, the dead body of a kaiju lying across the road with big chunks blown out of the corpse, and two glowing golden super warriors facing down against a battered and bruised Nagato who was standing between them and a very frightened Kyon.
"I'm not going to let you hurt her!" Kyon was yelling at the golden men in the sky, one of which was my substitute teacher, only he'd ditched the glasses and gotten a dye job. "You harm one more hair on Nagato's head, and I'll tell Haruhi I'm John Smith! I don't care if you're from the Sky Canopy Dominion, The Data Overmind, or Ringling Brothers Traveling Circus! Once Haruhi's unleashed, it's all over for you!"
I gaped at Kyon, and couldn't help but exclaim, "You're John Smith?! How!?"
He spun about, his face full of anguish and rage. "Haruhi! You have to stop this madness! First godzilla, now Super Saiyens?! It's too much! I know you're upset about Miss Asahina leaving the Brigade, but this was always going to happen! We're going to grow up, move on with our lives! You have to get this under control!"
"Two more members of your pantheon," King Kai mused. He nodded to the floating super beings. "Alright, that's enough, Goku, Gohan. This isn't a problem you can solve by punching it."
"I sort of figured that out," the older warrior said, dropping to the ground. "This girl is strong, but she's just trying to protect her friends. I'd feel bad about fighting her."
"Kyon. What do I do? Do I eliminate them?" Nagato asked quietly. "I can tap into Haruhi Suzimiya's powers easily now that she is here. I should be able to eliminate all resistance. But there is no data on these beings: I cannot simulate what the likely outcome is."
"I don't know, Nagato. I think… I think we need to talk this out," Kyon said, and put an arm around her shoulders, as if to steady himself. She leaned into him, looking… well, scared. Which was weird, because Nagato never looked like much of anything, ever. I mean, she still barely reacts to anything, and she's had a while to develop her human emotions.
"Tap into my powers? What are you talking about?" I demanded, planting my hands on my hips. "What is going on? I mean, this is really exciting, but I'm sort of getting upset."
"Energy spike," Nagato said quietly, pressing herself against Kyon. "Haruhi Suzumiya is doing something."
"I can sense it as well," King Kai said grimly. "Right. We're taking this to my own ground. You two are willing to make peace?"
"If it means Haruhi doesn't destroy the world, yes," Kyon agreed. "And as long as you don't do anything to hurt Nagato any further."
"Alright. Goku, take them to my planet. Primary dimension," King Kai ordered. "I'll contact Vegita and have him bring the other two as well."
Next thing I knew, we were standing on a world so small you can run around it in about five minutes. The gravity was so dense that Kyon and Nagato flopped to the ground, but it barely affected me.
"Sorry, I'll just turn that off for a moment," King Kai said, and snapped his fingers. Kyon and Nagato stood up, at the same time troll doll appeared with Mikuru and Koizumi.
"I've brought the two humans, don't know why you bother," Vegeta growled. "We're going to mind wipe them and send them back, right?"
"That's not really an option at this point," King Kai sighed. "More likely I'll have to clone them and insert the clones with altered memories back into that reality. This is getting to be too much of a mess for one God to handle. Maybe Vash has the right idea in restructuring. But that's a debate for another time."
"Ok, hold up right there!" I ordered, pointing a finger at King Kai. "What is with this "god" nonsense?! There is no god, or if there is, he's super boring because there's nothing interesting in the world! Where's the adventure, the excitement, the weird monsters and ancient magic?"
"In you, mostly," King Kai told me. He sighed and removed his sunglasses, which I've rarely ever seen him do. He squinted at me with his beady little insect eyes, then nodded and replaced them. "You are a Goddess. One of the most powerful one's I've ever seen, and I'm the God of Shonen. It's no brag to say that I'm the most powerful and influential deity in all of the Heavenly Realms of Japan."
"What, like, shonen manga? Don't be stupid, I've never heard of King Kai," I sniffed. "Try again. But you don't look like Buddah or Jesus, so you'll have to get creative."
Oh, by the way, I have met about a dozen versions of the Buddah. He shows up all the time in Japan. He ranges from super boring to kind of boring. We don't talk much.
"Exactly like shonen manga. That is my primary aspect," King Kai agreed. "I am the Deity of Youthful Vigor, the God of Combat and Conquest, the Patron of Overcoming Limits and the Mentor of Heroes."
"Well why didn't you put any heroes in my world!" I demanded. "Why didn't you make ME a hero!?"
"Because your world was supposed to be a simple slice of life comedy with no fantasy elements." A clipboard appeared in King Kai's hands, and he paged through it. "It looks like Botan was in charge of your world. She's been on a slice of life kick since Urameshi retired and got married. She wasn't really monitoring your world too heavily though, just had some minor deities keeping things humming."
"Er, Haruhi, you're taking this all remarkably well," Kyon said, turning towards me. Nagato had separated from him, and was eyeing Vegita and Father and Son (get it?!) with calm readiness, despite her injuries.
"I mean, am I supposed to have an apoplexy or something? Kyon, this is everything I've ever wanted! Aliens, monsters and-"
Kyon grabbed me by my collar and hauled me up to his eyes level, his eyes burning with anger and madness. "You don't get it, do you!? Look at us! Koizumi hasn't slept in days because he's been dealing with your constant nightmares! Asahina has aged a year in a few days because she's had to go jumping through time so much! And Nagato just had to fight SON GOKU! How in the hell do you not know who SON GOKU IS!?"
I blinked at Kyon. "Um, because I've never heard of him? Yo, Nagato, you've read like, every book. You know who Son Goku is?"
"No information found on this subject," Nagato replied, her tone calm and even, despite the murder in her eyes.
Kyon dropped me, spinning around. "What?! How do you- Look, Koizumi, Asahina… back me up? You've heard of Son Goku, right? Dragon Ball? Ring any bells?"
"Can't say that I have," Koizumi said with a shake of his head, his eyes never leaving Vegita, who was smirking in amusement.
"N-no," Mikuru whispered, her gun trembling in her hands as it pointed at the ground. Poor Asahina. She's never been good in a fight. None of us are, really. We sure as hell learned that from Nazarick real damn quick.
But then I looked. I mean, really looked, and I realized that all my friends looked beat to hell. Had I done that? Spoiler alert: Yes. Yes I had.
Kyon however, was still frantic. "How could you not? I mean, I've sort of wondered sometimes why I never saw any Dragon Ball manga or posters anymore, haven't since middle school but…" he trailed away, frowning. Then he slapped his palm into his forehead. "Oh god. I'm the slider. You wanted an alien, an esper, a time traveler, and a slider. So you yanked me all unknowing from another dimension to cater to your little delusions."
"I think it's time I laid things out properly," King Kai sighed. "You, Haruhi Suzimiya, are a goddess. You appear to be born of mortals. That happens, from time to time, but it's obvious you have always had an innate divine spark. We looked into your world, and the disruptions to the fabric of reality go back exactly 17 years, nearly to the moment you were conceived. As you grew, so did your power. Until it could no longer be hidden, or contained. I believe you invested much of your power into your friends here: extensions of your will and desires."
"Wait, hold on, are you saying I'm some sort of god now?" Kyon demanded. "Because I've seen a lot of things, but that's just silly! If I were a god, why do I still have to deal with all the day to day crap?! Why do I have to put up with Haruhi's nonsense instead of just waving my hand and making things normal!"
"You don't want to, remember?" Nagato asked. "You chose this world. You chose a life of adventure and fantasy, instead of a normal one. You turned the key I gave you."
Kyon looked pained, but nodded. "I… I suppose that's true enough. If… if I'm honest, even with all the insanity… these past few years have been the most fun I've ever had."
"Right!? That's the whole point! We're supposed to make the world more fun!" I declared. I rounded on King Kai. "So if I'm a goddess, that's what I'm going to do! We're going to keep right on spreading happiness around the world, to make everyone laugh, and smile, and fall in love! Because that's what life should be! An adventure with friends!"
"Hmmm," King Kai stroked his chin tentacle things, then slowly nodded. "Very well. It's going to take a long time to train you properly, but I think we can manage that. There's more to being a deity than goofing off and having fun. We are the light for the mortal races, leading them towards a better future. But I know that not everyone wants to gain strength through battle. And I'm a bit of a comedian myself. And you make me smile, Haruhi. So let's get to it."
Training is super boring, even if it's a montage, so we're literally skipping the next few hundred years. Oh, don't worry about Goku and Vegita and Gohan. They're mostly mortal, but they're also in an endless cycle of rebirth and renewal as King Kai's chosen champions. He can call up their most potent forms as his enforcers or whatever essentially at will. They are some of the strongest beings in all of reality, or at least some of the strongest I've ever met. If I had to fight Goku, I would lose.
I know that's hard to wrap your head around, but we gods are fueled by the belief of mortals. If a mortal believes strongly enough they can kill you, they can do it. There's more to it than that of course, but deities actually don't have all that much raw fighting power, aside from certain exceptions like Seiya. Our mandate is to guide and empower for the most part. Sure, we can literally make things from nothing, and we're not exactly weaklings when it comes to fights, but most of our power is locked up.
Personally, I use most of my energy keeping Comedy running. I keep all the Afterlifes that the various mortal races are in are working, so that they're either happy or learning their damn lesson before we kick them back out to be reborn. My power literally holds multiple universes together, and is the basis for dozens and dozens of magic systems. I actually have almost no power myself outside of the Divine Realm. I never needed it, and if I'm honest it kinda scares me what I can do if my power isn't being appropriately channeled.
Making Godzilla pop up in a city park is low balling it for me. Once, I had a really weird dream and created Pop Team Epic on accident. Literally an entire screwball universe just appeared out of nothing by my subconscious. That's why I make sure that almost all of my power is invested at nearly all times. I just keep the lights on, so to speak, and occasionally do some direct miracles to help people out, like that time I saved Ristarte and Seiya's kid from being bound to a demon lord's soul.
But I know the real reason you're here. Yeah. Let's talk about Aqua. My… ugh. First born daughter.
It's not like I had a fling with a sea god and nine months later I popped a kid out of the baby maker. That's not how it works. I mean, I suppose I could do something like that. I made up the "no gods boinking" rule because I thought it was funny. Well, that and there would be a serious population control issue if we just let immortal deities start making kids whenever they want. Or so Kyon lectured me at any rate. Stupid jerk has like three kids with Nagato, but what do I know? I'm only God. (Also you can totally get around that rule if you're willing to go mortal for a few decades, I'm pretty damn lenient as long as it's true love and not just a deity abusing their power. Or you just take a vacation in Danmachi where I just let my people blow off some steam).
Anyway, I'd just finished my training with King Kai. I learned all the good stuff. How to listen to mortal prayers, and help them with their lives. How to found cults and religions, and create suitable afterlives. How the Great Cycle of Reincarnation works, and how mortal souls can only be created, never destroyed (or at least that's how it should work, you can do some pretty messed up stuff if you really want to but only asshole deities we make it a policy to hunt down do crap like that. Not even Alucard, that bastard, is evil enough to violate that law).
Right about then, the Grand Restructuring of The Heavenly Realm of Japan was just wrapping up. It's long and stupid and boring and complicated but the skinny is this: there used to be only the Big Five. Shonen, Shojo, Seinen, Josei, and Kodomo. However, over time, things got too huge to manage. Since mortal souls are only created, not destroyed, and the same mostly holds true for deities, the Five Divisions of Heaven had gotten bloated and out of control.
Thus, the restructuring. Shonen, which I was a part of, split off into a lot of factions. CC became the Goddess of Mecha. Arceus (who sorta used to work for Kodomo but kinda not. It's complicated) because the God of Mons. Of course, Yami became the God of Children's Card Games (ok, he's the God of the Gaming division, but I insist on the former). There's a bunch of others you don't need to worry about, but I became the Goddess of Comedy. King Kai is still the God of Shonen, but he's more accurately the God of Shonen Battle.
The other divisions also restructured, save for Kodomo which is just kind of a mess anyway so no one cared. Honestly everything is convoluted still and there's a lot of times when we cross over into other divisions territory and it makes this huge bunch of arguing deities, but overall it works. Sort of. But what this really meant is I literally had my own Division to run now. It was made up of all the cast offs of the other divisions, worlds they didn't feel like keeping because they were weak or silly or whatever. But I loved them all and did my best to make things awesome for everyone. Even the cliche harem ones.
Of course, I had help. The SOS Brigade stuck with me. I don't actually know why, aside from us being friends. I told them they could go back and live normal lives, but they all turned me down. Kyon became John Smith, Director of Personnel. He's dating the Director of Magic, Yuki Nagato. Or are they married? I didn't do it, and I've never really asked as since as far as I'm concerned my job is done once they start bumping uglies on the regular.
Ok, yes, Koizumi was Director of Space, and Asahina became Director of Time. They all had their own little jobs, and we had a number of worlds that were ours right off the bat. I inherited a LOT of harem comedy world. I think King Kai has a bit of a fetish but I've never been able to get him to give me a straight answer. I had some deities kicking around to help me out too, ranging from Tet who started off as just some random angel I promoted because he's good at his job to Ristarte who started off as a mortal reincarnated as a junior deity.
Some people will tell you that comedy is a bunch of screwups and useless goddesses, but the reality is that we're SUPPOSED to be that way. We're supposed to make mortals laugh, love, and enjoy life. And, well, one way we do that is by showing them it's OK to laugh at us. It's not even really intentional for most of us, but we all do it. I don't go in for that dark comedy bullshit (that's Zetsubou's job). All my worlds are supposed to have happy endings (literally: everyone should bang at the end, but sometimes I have to sneak stuff past the censors). And then Ainz showed up. But that's depressing so let's skip over that for now.
After a few years of figuring things out, I decided I was ready to have kids.
Actually, that's a lie. Like most first time parents, there was an accident.
First, I had an idea. Like all of my ideas (even Isekai Quartet, because at least I rescued Subaru and Naofumi's groups) it was super amazing and awesome. I ran over to Kyon's office and barged in.
"Kyon, I've just had an fantastic idea for a new set of worlds!" I told him.
He looked up from his paperwork with an irritated expression. "What, is it more deformed little girls flipping people off and making rude jokes?"
"No, this one is WAY better than Pop Team Epic," I told him, shoving aside the paperwork and sitting cross legged on the desk, a wide grin on my face. He looked irritated, but also intrigued. We were both kinda young and inexperienced back then, only a few centuries, and Comedy wasn't tiny but we also weren't at war for our lives so things were pretty fun.
"Listen to this: you remember those cool old shows like Escaflone, Inuyasha, or El Hazard where the protagonist gets sucked away to another world?"
"I do recall those, yeah."
"I've totally got an idea for a whole new set of worlds: Ones where they're based off of video games, but instead of just choosing some brave hero, we send off shut in NEETs and Hikikomori types who obsess about that stuff!"
That's right: I'm responsible for the Isekai Craze. I told you I'm awesome.
Kyon rubbed his nose, groaning in irritation. "Haruhi, that sounds like a terrible idea. Those types would never be able to save those worlds."
"That's where my super awesome idea comes in! We get some of our goddesses to help and empower those heroes, just like Ristarte and those other guys do! I'll need to recruit a bunch more goddesses for this! They should totally be hilarious: convincing enough they can talk a NEET into risking his life for a fantasy world, but dumb enough that they actually think this is a good idea! They should also only be good at healing and stuff, otherwise it would be too easy and-"
There was a loud, wet splash, and Kyon and I turned to find a beautiful young woman with blue standing there, dripping wet.
"Um, hello? You guys got any snacks? I'm kinda hungry," the blue haired girl said.
"Wait, who are you? I've not seen you around before," I said, squinting.
"I dunno, all I know is that I'm a super amazing goddess! Obviously someone as talented as me must be a super powerful deity! Hmm, I don't think I have any mortal followers. I'm going to have to fix that, a goddess such as myself deserves some worship," the blue chick declared.
"Oh lord," Kyon groaned, face palming again. He does that a lot. He claims it's only when I'm around but I think he does it all the time even when I'm not there. "Haruhi, I think you just created this goddess."
"Oh man! Are you a goddess to help empower heroes to take down Devil Kings!?" I asked eagerly.
"I think so, that sounds like something I would do," the bluenette agreed. "Seriously though, snacks?"
I conjured up a bag of chips and some champagne. "Heck yeah! This is going to be great! Come on Kyon, let's celebrate! I'm going to start a new trend: The Isekai Program! We're totally going to save a bunch of worlds with heroes from another world! All those stupid demons and devil kings that keep bothering our fantasy realms will never know what hit them."
The newbie took the bottle out of my hands, then chugged it. She let out a happy sigh. "Oh man, this hits the spot! I totally bet I could take out a devil king myself, because I'm such an amazing goddess, but getting some stupid NEETs to do all the work sounds fun too."
"Perfect!" I studied the girl, then grinned and nodded. "I'm going to name you; Aqua! You will be a goddess of water, and a muse of the arts and-"
Look, it's embarrassing, but I sort of went overboard with Aqua's powers and stuff. What can I say? She was my first kid, we all tend to overdo it with them. I'm not really her mom or anything, she turned up as more or less as much of an adult as I am (haha, Kyon, yes, I know, debatable) and she got right to that whole Isekai thing. Worked out pretty great, until she got herself stuck with Kazuma Sato. Mostly her own fault though.
And as for me, well… I'm typing this up just after I sent my own daughter away to save her. She'd violated a lot of rules, and Alucard was calling for her head, and it was looking more and more like the Diet was going to vote to punish Aqua if I didn't do something. She could have died, or worse. I've seen what Horror can do now. But Aqua was in dire peril anyway.
Ainz has killed almost all of Aqua's followers. We did a rollback on one world, but things are still dicy there. I had to make her mostly mortal just so she could survive. King Kai's offered a helping hand, and as much as I hate to basically have to crawl back to my dad and ask for help, I'm at my wits end. I've tried everything to save my Division, but Ainz just can't be stopped by jokes and shipping.
It's going to take something else. It's going to take a real group of heroes. And there's no better place to find heroes than in Shonen. They're risking their lives for this, those brave heroes, even if they don't know it. This could give Alucard the excuse he needs to call in allies of his own. The Kaiju, Disaster, War, and other unsavory and violent divisions would be more than happy to partake in a war between gods. We have to tread carefully. And I'll do everything I can to help Izuku Midoriya, Kazuma Sato, and all the others. And make sure Aqua survives this.
But I'm totally making sure they all get shipped with someone. King Kai might think my boys and girls are there just to train but we're injecting some love and laughter into this Boku No Hero Academia world if it's the last thing I do.
Actually, all things considered… It just might be. Because Ainz has gone far enough. I'm not letting Alucard kill any more gods or mortals. This ends here. One way or another.
It was fun while it lasted.
Chapter 33: TEAM DEATH MATCH!Beta'd by The Grand Cogitator
[img: . ]
TEAM DEATH MATCH!
That's exactly it, private. The war's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
-Sarge, Red Vs Blue
Izuku had felt slightly anxious until Hari's car pulled up, as though being separated from Mei for only a few hours was something of a crisis now. She apparently shared the sentiment, as she jumped out and hugged Izuku tightly almost before the car came to a stop.
"I missed you," Izuku said, kissing her on the cheek.
She nodded, the dark circles under her eyes adding to her strained look. "Me too. I had bad dreams again last night.."
Hari leaned out of the window, frowning. "You two are not starting a make out session here. Come on, we're already late! Sheesh, I'm not a damn chauffeur."
The car rolled away with Izuku and Mei sitting in the back seat, practically on top of one another. It felt good to hold Mei's hand, and Izuku was able to close his eyes and see something other than a dead city or hear the bleating of demonic goats.
Hari eyed them in her mirror the whole way, a sour expression on her face. She and Inko were adamant that the very idea that Izuku and Mei had gotten married was utterly preposterous, and still didn't believe the story about their time in another world, though Izuku's mother seemed to accept that something very strange had happened.
"Alright you two, I can't pick you up after school, but you damn well better behave! Mei, no bringing boys back to our apartment," Hari ordered as they got out of the car.
"But Hari, Izuku is-"
"No, he's not, you two can be dating, but we're going to have some ground rules, and-"
"Ah! Young Midoriya and your blushing bride!"
Izuku went scarlet and turned to see All Might jogging towards them, waving. "Hello there! I take it you're Hari Hatsume?"
"Y-yes, um, sir, I-I'm Hari Hatsume," Hari said shakily. She took a deep breath, turned the car off, and got out. "And, let me just say, I'm a huge fan and all, but, MY SISTER IS NOT MARRIED YOU-"
What Hari went on to describe All Might as would have been a lot more impressive, if Izuku hadn't spent a great deal of time around Bakugo. Still, he guessed even Bakugo could have taken a few pointers from Hari when it came to his variety and descriptive phrasing in chastigation from the older Hatsume sister.
All Might blinked when Hari wound down, then looked at Izuku and Mei. "You didn't tell her?"
"She won't LISTEN!" Mei said, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration. "YOU tell her, All Might, she won't believe me!"
"Won't believe what?" Aqua asked, seeming to appear next to Izuku and Mei. "Hi, All Might! Just wanted to check up on my two favorite worshipers!" Aqua put her arm around Izuku's shoulder and All Might's waste and gave them both a huge grin.
"I've got an amazing idea! You know how I got exiled from the Divine Realm? Well, there's totally a way to get back in! I just have to recruit enough followers who give me offerings and prayers, and I can totally be a goddess again! Hey, Mei, since Megumin's given up on the whole Goddess thing, you can be my worshipper too! And is this your sister? Perfect! Midoriya, tell her about how amazing my powers are and all the great benefits of joining the Axis Cult are!"
Hari blinked several times, swaying slightly on her feet. "Crazy. Everyone at this school is crazy."
"Um, perhaps you should come with me," All Might said, gently putting a hand on Hari's arm to steady her. "We do need to talk about your sisters… recent exploits. Though her marital status I suppose should rest in the hands of her family, as I don't believe Japan recognizes interdimensional weddings."
"What?!" Aqua squawked in outrage. "I totally married them myself! And that was back when I was a 100% bonafide goddess! You don't get more married than these two are! Midoriya, tell her about the special spell that I thought you, you know, the one where-"
"GeethanksAqualet'stalkmoresomewherelesebyeAllMightgoodluckHaribye!" Clamping a hand over Aqua's mouth, Izuku activated One For All almost by instinct and quickly pushed Aqua away as Mei laughed and clung to him, skidding along behind him.
About 20 meters away, Izuku let out a yelp when Aqua bit him.
"Midoriya! This is no way to treat your patron deity!" Aqua lectured as soon as he removed his hand. "You have to show more respect to me if we're going to recruit more followers!"
"I will have to ask Megumin, but I think I am willing to believe you are a goddess, Aqua," Mei said seriously. "After all, you did bring all those people back from the dead, and you healed All MIght, so you have been good."
"Ha! My cult grows!" Aqua cried jubilantly. Which was a bit inconvenient, as they were in the middle of a rather crowded walkway.
"Let's just-" Izuku said, but it was too late. A very irate looking boy with a shield strapped to his arm stalked over. He was flanked by two girls, one with racoon ears and another with wings on her back.
"Are you one of those damn goddesses?" the boy demanded, glaring at Aqua. "It's your fault this entire mess happened in the first place!"
"I AM a goddess," Aqua declared, putting a hand dramatically on her chest. "But, I deny any and all responsibility. Those punks had it coming, and how was I supposed to know they were pro heroes? Plus, it was mostly them that wrecked the place! As for the jail, well, that's all Vanir's fault. I only blessed Darkness a little, and I bet they can fix the door!"
"Aqua," Izuku sighed, "Please stop talking." He managed to smile at the boy. "Er, hello, I'm Izuku Midoriya. Um, this is my friend, Aqua, and-"
"I'm Mei Hastume! Or maybe Mei Midoriya? I am not sure. But also, you should be nice to Aqua. She is a good goddess. She healed All Might!"
"I don't care what she did, if she's in league with that damnable Medea or that meddling Director Asahina, I'll-"
"Oh shut up Naofumi," Aqua sniffed. "You were in the same class as those dumb maids of Ainz's. Well, Midoriya beat up all of them, and if you're rude he-"
Izuku didn't think, he just reacted. He lashed out, shoving Naofumi as hard as he could, away from Mei and Aqua. The other boy caught the blow on his shield however, which suddenly expanded.
"Mei, go! Get All Might!" Izuku roared. "Tell them the Lord of the Tomb's minions are here!"
"What?! You arrogant bastard!" Naofumi hissed. Behind him, the racoon girl summoned a sword, while the one with wings turned into… a giant chicken? That was weird, but apparently she was a monster of some sort.
"Monsters," Izuku hissed. "Aqua, are they undead or demons?"
"No, just a stupid jerk and his two flunkies! I knew he had to be with Ainz! He was always hanging out with him and the maids, and they were all evil!" Aqua growled.
And that was when Sato, Jiro, Koda, and a floating set of clothes Izuku assumed was Hagakure ran up.
"Woah, slow down Midoriya!" Hagakure cried, waving her arms frantically. "Naofumi's not with the Tomb! He-"
All Might impacted the ground hard enough to leave a crater and stagger the increasingly panicked students.
"Fear not! For I am here!" All Might bellowed, his eyes blazing with fury. "Who dares threaten my students?!"
"They threatened me!" Naofumi snarled, pointing a finger at Izuku. "Him and that damn goddess!"
"Wait, that blue haired chick's a goddess?" Sato asked, looking worried. "I don't like those."
"We got your back Midoriya!" Kazuma cried as he ran up with Mei, Darkness and Megumin,their weapons out. "Let's waste these punks! Woah. Where'd the chocobo come from?"
"Right!?" Jiro said. "Finally! Someone gets it! Seriously, I thought I was taking crazy pills when I said Filo looked like a Chocobo and no one else got it!"
"Are you not with the Lord of the Tomb?" Izuku asked, suddenly feeling rather embarrassed and worried.
"No! If you'd bothered to ask, I could have told you that!" Naofumi snapped. "I've spent the last few years fighting his forces! Just ask these four, they helped!"
All Might considered this, then suddenly laughed. "Ha! Just a silly school yard scuffle! Young Midoriya, you and your friends should know better! Please, get to your classes everyone!"
The other students relaxed at seeing All Might in control of the situation, and the buzz of conversation started up again. All Might went over to Naofumi, bending over and whispering in his ear.
"What? Yes, how do you-fine. Yes, we'll come talk with you. Raphtalia, Filo, stand down. I suppose they aren't our enemies," Naofumi said, though he still sounded irritated.
All Might left with the three strangers in tow, leaving behind the others to stand around awkwardly.
"So, um, you guys have a pretty crazy summer too?" Hagakure managed. "I don't recognize your friends, Midoriya."
"Summer was a long time ago," Mei sighed. "But I am sorry I blew you up at the Sports Festival."
"Eh, it's cool. I mean, it was a pretty weird couple of months, but honestly it was kinda fun once you get over the pants wetting terror of it all," Jiro said with a chuckle. "Guess we're not classmates anymore though. Later, bell rings in a couple of minutes."
"So what was that all about?" Kazuma asked as they headed for class.
"Er, Aqua said that other guy, Naofumi, knew the Pleiades maids we fought," Izuku explained. "So, I kinda assumed he was with the Lord of the Tomb…"
Kazuma glanced at Aqua, but she glared right back. "Don't be mad at me! He totally was in the same class as those dumb maids in that other world we were in! You know, the one where we went to school with Ainz?"
"Ok, we seriously have to sit down and have a conversation about that, because I can't be the only one who's starting to think that might have been important," Kazuma groaned as they hurried into class.
They had just sat down when Mr. Aizawa walked in. "Good. You're all here. Well, let's not waste time. Since half of you have already gone over the first few months curriculum, I don't see a point in rehashing it all again."
"Dude, not cool!" Kaminari groaned. "I was sure I was gonna pass the test this time!"
Aizawa stared at Kaminari, who blushed and muttered an apology.
"As such, we're not going to be sitting around. You know where your hero costumes are I assume? Good. Go get changed. We're having a test."
"Rematch time," Bakugo said with a vicious grin. "You're going down this time, Midoriya."
"Oh, I'm changing today's activites," Aizawa informed them. "You already completed the Battle Trial. So we're doing something new. Otherwise this will just turn into a farce like yesterday, and I do not enjoy being made a fool."
"We shall be perfectly prepared," Todoroki stated calmly as they all stood.
"Man, what's the point in going to the past if you can't relive all your old moments?" Ashido complained as they headed for the changing room. "I was so looking forward to having a better partner than Princess Sparkles."
Instead of the costume Izuku's mother had made, his turned out to be the same suit that Mei had made for him back in the other world. How it had gotten here, Izuku didn't know, but he was grateful to have such a useful set of gear.
Izuku was mildly amused when Kazuma discovered that his hero costume just turned out to be his old adventuring gear. "What is this!? You guys all get new threads, and I'm stuck with this mess? Well, at least it's better than what he's got," Kazuma said, pointing at Todoroki's uniform.
Todoroki for his part, grimaced. Izuku had to admit his hero costume looked a bit… special. Walking over to the wall, Tokoroki tapped on it. "Momo, can you make me a new uniform? I'm starting to regret some of my life choices."
"Oh thank Rista," Momo's voice came back. "I wasn't going to say anything, but that first costume… yikes."
"Dude, you look like the T3000 had a baby with Mr. Freeze," Kazuma laughed.
"We don't know who that is, dumbass," Bakugo grunted as he pulled on his own hero costume, which seemed largely unaltered.
"It's not my fault kids these days have no appreciation for the classics. You need to learn to respect your heritage," Kazuma sniffed. "You call yourself heroes and you don't even know about Terminator or Batman?"
Bakugo glared at Kazuma. "Ask fucking Midoriya. He's the one with the nerdy notebooks."
"I've never heard of them," Izuku admitted. "There was a Batman in Osaka who could fly and had echolocation, but I never heard of Mr. Freeze or the Terminator."
They all headed out to the training grounds, and Mei enthusiastically showed off her own new was simply a pair of overalls and her goggles, with a thick padded leather coat over her usual black tank top "It's got a tool belt, pockets, and tools for all my babies!" Mei said excitedly. "I even have my super cute baby too!" She hefted her 'crossbow' which had undergone a bit of a metamorphosis, and now looked more at home in a sci-fi story than a fantasy one. "I modified it last night, so now it's a railgun! I have extra cute babies for it to shoot too, like nets, and stun grenades!"
"That's probably good, I don't think Mr. Aizawa would be very happy if you accidentally hurt or killed someone," Izuku said.
"Hey, don't worry about it, I'll just bring 'em back to life! So long as they promise to join the Axis Cult," Aqua said. "Your first resurrection is free!"
"Aqua, what are you doing?" Eris asked, sounding rather worried.
"I'm restoring my church, obviously. If I get enough followers, I can go back to being a goddess and never have to pee again! Seriously, going pee is the worst."
"I'm going to put a stop to that conversation right now," Aizawa said as they drew near to him. "I haven't had nearly enough coffee this morning to prepare for that level of inanity from my students."
"What level of inanity do you find acceptable?" Kazuma asked. "You know, as a baseline."
Aizawa ignored the comment, which Izuku figured was probably for the best. "Today, since I haven't had time to think of anything more complicated, you're all going to be playing capture the flag. The rules are simple. Quirks are free to be used, but no lethal force. That means you, Megumin."
"This is discrimination! You are oppressing my culture!" Megumin ranted. "Crimson Demons must unleash their magic once a day, or a terrible fate will befall them!"
Everyone looked at Yunyun, who blushed. "Um, no, we're fine. She used to play video games for days on end in the Divine Realm."
"Traitor," Megumin grumbled.
"Anyway," Aizawa said after dry swallowing yet another pain killer, "First, I'm going to assign the team captains by lot, which will be… Yunyun-"
"Me?!" Yunyun gasped, going bright red. "But I was always picked last for sports!"
"… and Aqua."
"Yes, my superior skills and power have propelled me to the top once again!" Aqua boasted.
"… the positions were chosen randomly," Aizawa stated. "Captains, you can choose your teams. I'd think carefully about who you choose if you want to win. Think about their powers and abilities, and-"
"I'm picking Sero!" Yunyun blurted. "H-he's my boyfriend!"
"… or you could just do whatever you want. Why bother listening to me, I'm just grading you," Aizawa sighed. "Fine. You were going to pick first anyway. Aqua?"
"I can pick whoever I want?" Aqua said suspiciously.
"Anyone here," Aizawa agreed.
That brought a malicious grin to Aqua's face. "Then I pick you, Mr. Teacher! Clearly, you will award my team the victory simply by virtue of being on my side!"
That brought Aizawa up short. "You can't pick me."
"Why not?" Aqua demanded. "You said I could pick anyone here. I pick you!"
"I pick Megumin because she's my best friend!" Yunyun interrupted.
Aizawa sighed and went over to stand by Aqua as Megumin strutted over to Yunyun's side. "Listen to me, Yunyun, you were wise to choose me as your second companion, but now we must carefully select our next candidates. I suggest Uraraka. She is excellent at team poses, which will be vital to our victory!"
"Why?" Yunyun asked.
"Because they shall inspire our teammates, and devastated our foes! A cool pose is a mighty weapon in a Crimson Demon's arsenal!"
"Midoriya, get over here," Aqua ordered. "You're my best follower and you can punch out dragons and stuff, so you've got to be good at whatever it is we're doing."
"Capture the flag?" Izuku offered as he walked over to Aqua's side.
"Yeah I was always bad at that, I prefer Team Deathmatch. The flags are too confusing," Aqua declared. "I think we should win just by beating everyone else up."
"That's not what the instructions are," Aizawa sighed. "You're supposed to use this as an opportunity to think tactically, not as a social gathering."
"Um, Iris! We're friends, right?" Yunyun asked, ignoring Megumin's continued lecture on the importance of posing and one liners.
"Of course, I shall be honored to fight at your side. The Crimson Demon clans are a valued ally of the throne," Iris said seriously. When Yunyun looked like someone had just kicked a puppy in front of her, Iris added, "And of course, you are also my close personal friend."
That made Yunyun beam, and Aizawa's eye twitch even more.
"Come on Kazuma, you're, like, smart and stuff. You and Midoriya come up with a plan," Aqua ordered.
"Don't think I'll go easy on you just because we're dating now, Kazuma!" Megumin declared. "On the battlefield, Crimson Demons are famous for abandoning all ties of loyalty to secure victory!"
"No we're not! We stick by our friends and make sure everyone has a good time!" Yunyun protested.
"Whatever, it's just a game," Kazuma said, his hands in his pockets as he strolled over to Aqua's side. He eyed Aizawa. "What do you do, anyway?"
"Mr. Aizawa's power is Erasure, he can cancel quirks just by looking at someone," Izuku informed Kazuma.
"Cool. That'll mess with Bakugo, so it will be entertaining at least," Kazuma laughed.
"Um, my friend Mina," Yunyun said.
"Yes!" Mina cheered, and skipped over to high five Yunyun. "You totally have to pick Eijiro next, because we're all besties! Right, Yunyun?"
The thought of having a "bestie" was apparently too much for Yunyun, who looked down and blushed and muttered something that made Megumin sniff. "I am Yunyun's first and dearest friend. We have been rivals since we were children in school, and our glorious war has only propelled our relationship to new heights! Plus, I shall only allow my very closest of friends to play with Chomusuke."
"Hmm," Aqua said, scratching at her head. "Who's willing to convert to the Axis Faith? We've got limited spots on our roster, you know."
"Sorry, I'm a Cleric of Ristarte," Yaoyorozu put in.
"We are all followers of Ristarte," Todoroki agreed. "She was our friend and benefactor when we fought the Godslayer."
"Woah, you guys fought the GODSLAYER!?" Aqua asked, looking both scared and impressed. She motioned to the four members of Team Todoroki. "Ok, yeah, I'm totally picking all four of you."
"What!? You can't do that!" Yunyun protested.
"Why not? You're just going to pick more of your friends, right? So it doesn't matter, you don't know them," Aqua argued.
"Um, ok. Kirishima, Eris, Darkness, and, er, Bakugo. But only if you promise to be nice! We're all friends on my team!" Yunyun ordered.
"Time out," Aizawa ordered. "Who's the Godslayer?"
"That evil little brat Tanya," Aqua huffed. "She and Ainz are from Horror. They got pissed off about some god called 'Being X' and killed him, then invaded Comedy. They've been going around killing a bunch of other gods and goddesses. It's been a serious problem."
"I… see. Did you get that?" Aizawa called, apparently to thin air.
There was a click and buzz. "We got that, thanks Eraser," a voice said over the PA system. "Continue with the exercise."
"Wait, who was that?" Izuku asked, looking around.
"We're being monitored and recorded to catalogue your powers and abilities," Aizawa explained. "UA does it normally for all students in the hero course, but you've all attracted special attention, for obvious reasons."
"I'm on TV? Awesome! Hey, make sure you tell everyone about how amazing the Axis Order is!" Aqua called, waving her hands and smiling.
"I don't think they're going to broadcast this live, Aqua," Kazuma sighed. "Just make the rest of your picks already."
"Oh, well I pick Hatsume, because she's totally converting to my faith," Aqua declared. "Otherwise, I'm revoking my blessing, and we'll see how much you and Midoriya-UMPH!"
"Heheh," Izuku giggled nervously as Aqua struggled in his grip. He leaned his head closer to her ear. "Don't you dare tell anyone about that! It's private!"
"I don't know if I want to be your follower, it was really fun being in Megumin's cult, we got to dance!" Mei declared. "But don't worry, I am happy to be on your and Izuku's team Aqua!"
"Um, Darkness says I should pick Tokoyami," Yunyun says. "We're going to be friends, right?"
"Any friend of Darkness is a friend of mine," Tokoyami said seriously. "I shall be glad to stand beside you in this struggle."
"Great, last pick," Uraraka sighed, and walked over to Aqua's team without waiting to be called. "Oh well, at least I know what I'm getting myself into."
"I'll make snacks," Kazuma promised.
That made Uraraka grin. "Best. Team. Ever."
"The rules are simple," Aizawa said. "Hide your flag, keep the other team from getting it. The first team to either retrieve the enemy flag and return it to this spot, or knock out or capture the other side, wins. If you destroy your flag, or the other team's flag, you lose."
"This is cultural profiling!" Megumin shouted. "My religion requires that I be allowed to use my Explosion magic!"
"It really is her religion," Kazuma added in a most unhelpful tone. "They had badges and everything."
"What? No! Badges are lame. We had secret tattoos! And passwords! And-"
"Starting in one minute," Aizawa growled. "You have all of Training Ground B to hide and fortify in. I suggest you get going."
"Right! So, where do we put the flag?" Aqua asked Mr. Aizawa as Yunyun led her team towards a distant set of buildings.
"I'm just here to supervise," Aizawa said with a shrug. "I'm not actually going to help you. That would defeat the point of the exercise. We already know my quirk doesn't work on magic."
"What!? But then I wasted my first pick! I want a take back!" Aqua ranted.
"Um, let me see that, Aqua," Izuku said, taking the flag. "Right. Kazuma, you take the flag and go hide somewhere. I don't think anyone can see through your Lurk skill on the other team."
"Eris can, but she'd have to get pretty close," Kazuma said, taking the large strip of cloth. "Later. Lurk."
He vanished, and Izuku turned to the others. "Mei, I want you to set up a location as a distraction so that the other team will think we've fortified it to hold our flag. Todoroki, you are your squad to help her defend it. Act like that really is where we've got our flag."
"Right, you got it Izuku!" Mei agreed. "Come on, I know the perfect place! I can build some super cute babies, like some defense turrets to help us out! You can use your quirk to make materials, right Yaoyorozu?"
"Yes, that's an excellent plan. Here, this should work as a decoy flag," Yaoyorozu said, pulling a false flag out of her navel as they hurried off to a nearby building.
"Right, Aqua, you're with me and Uraraka. We're on offense. I think between the three of us, we should be able to move in and secure their flag while they assault Todoroki's base," Izuku explained.
"Wait, aren't I the team captain?" Aqua said, scowling. "I should come up with a plan."
Uraraka opened her mouth, but Izuku made a shushing motion. "Ok, what do you think we should do, Aqua?"
Aqua stared blankly at Izuku for a long second. "I don't know. It's you and Kazuma's job to come up with the plans."
"Then do you think we should use my plan?" Izuku prompted.
"Yes! That's a great idea! I'm glad I thought of it," Aqua declared, and spun on her heel to march towards where Yunyun's team had run off to.
"You just have to learn how to work with her," Izuku told Uraraka quietly. "It's not so bad once you get used to it."
"Yeah, I know, it's just… ugh. For a goddess, she's really dumb," Uraraka said. "Makes you want to become an atheist."
"Amen," Aizawa said fervently, making his two students jump, as they'd forgotten he'd been there. He scowled at them. "Well? Get going!"
Izuku and Uraraka hurried to catch up to Aqua, then lead her into a building where they hid for a few seconds.
When a bell sounded to announce the beginning of the match, there was an immediate series of blasts, and Bakugo flew by, screaming, "COME ON, NERD! IT'S TIME TO SEE WHO'S STRONGER NOW!"
"Wow, he seems angry," Aqua mused. "I wonder why Iris likes him. She used to be so nice!"
"You've got me," Uraraka said with a shrug. "He might be 'chiller' but he's still loud and angry."
"Come on, let's move quietly," Izuku whispered. "Through the back alleys until we find where their base is."
They soon left behind the din of the battle raging between Bakugo and Todoroki's forces, making their way through the massive site B complex. After several minutes, they spotted Iris standing in the center of a crossroads, her team's flag draped on the ground. She appeared to be alone, but Izuku wasn't going to rush in.
"Uraraka, scout to the side," Izuku whispered. "That building there, that's where I'd put a lookout. See if someone's up there."
"You got it," Uraraka hissed, then slunk away.
"Wait, let me bless you," Aqua said, passing her hands over Uraraka. "There! Now you're super buff and lucky!"
"Thanks. I take back what I said, you are pretty useful," Uraraka said with a wink, and Aqua smiled at her. It wasn't until Uraraka had been gone for a few moments that it dawned on Aqua she'd been insulted, but Izuku managed to slip his hand over her mouth before she could shout or rant.
After another minute, there was a sound of a scuffle, and Darkness flew out of a window, then drifted up into the air. A moment later, Tokoyami followed after, Dark Shadow screaming in rage. Uraraka peered out, giving Izuku a thumbs up.
"She's got them," Izuku said. "On me!" He dashed out just as Iris was pivoting to face the building where Uraraka was. He dashed out, using the full power of One For All. He aimed to grab the flag and dash off with it, but Iris was somehow able to see him coming and counter, using a magic spell to force Izuku to dodge. He continued on though, his gauntlet swinging up to strike at Iris' sword. He winced at the impact, but Mei's armor and his strength held.
"You are strong," Iris grunted, her muscles straining. "Katsuki told me of you. He said you were once weak, but gained immense power quite suddenly. How did you manage that, I wonder?"
"Trade secret," Izuku gasped, then leapt back, trying to circle around Iris and firing off several air blasts with his gauntlets. Iris countered each of them with a series of magical blasts, forcing Izuku to dodge a few of her own attacks.
He refused to stay on the defensive though, launching himself up into the air to fire off more air blasts to try and dislodge Iris. However, she simply flew into the air after him, the flag streaming behind her, tied to her waist. Instead of dodging, Izuku met her charge, using kicks to change his direction and winding up for a powerful blow.
"KOGENREICH SMASH!" Izuku roared, his gauntlet connecting with Iris' sword again as it fired off a massive explosion. He was worried for half a second that he'd seriously injured Iris, but he needn't have bothered.
Neither the blow nor the explosion seemed to phase her, and she swung forward, her own gauntlet cracking into the side of Izuku's jaw and sending him flying into a building. He didn't have time to recover, as she pointed her sword at him and roared, "SACRED EXPLODE!"
The blast demolished the building and left Izuku stunned for a moment. He shook himself, and just managed to dodge to the side as Iris plowed in, her sword ringing off the rubble. He aimed a kick at her, catching her in the hip and knocking her through two half collapsed walls. She still had the flag though, so he charged after her, ready to capture her or claim the flag.
"HOLY THUNDER!" Iris roared as Izuku smashed through the wall, and he cried out in pain as a blaze of light and power consumed him.
Thankfully, his suit's Blessing from Aqua kicked in, and Izuku could feel his wounds close. He pressed on, smashing through a fireball from Iris with an airblast. He dodged to the side when she swung her sword, punching her right in the side and driving her to the ground in a crater.
Even that wasn't enough to put Iris down, however, as when Izuku pounced she kicked him square in the groin, then blasted him with another Holy Thunder. He reeled back, feeling sick and in pain, stars swimming in his eyes. But he refused to give up. "MUFASU SMASH!"
This time his blow was deflected partially as Iris parried with her sword, but he still hit her hard enough to send her flying up into the air. Izuku had to take a moment to gasp for breath as his suit healed him further, the pain and nausea fading.
Unfortunately, that gave Iris time to recover, righting herself in mid air. She held up both hands to the sun, and its light seemed to coalesce between them like molten flames. "ROYAL FLARE!"
A beam of pure energy rent the air, leaving an after image in Izuku's eyes as he desperately sprang to the side. He fired off a series of air blasts, managing to interrupt Iris' spell. She resummoned her sword as Izuku flew into the air, drawing his fist back as she prepared to strike at him again.
"Match over!" the PA system blared suddenly. "Team Yunyun wins."
Izuku was unable to stop his forward momentum, but Iris simply spun to the side as he careened past her. He managed to regain control, coming to a landing amidst the ruin of half a block.
"You fight well," Iris said as she landed beside him. She was breathing hard, and Izuku saw that she'd suffered some serious damage in their fight, with cuts and bruises all over her exposed skin, and she was clutching at her side where he'd struck her. He was hurt himself, his gonads still ached, and he was limping slightly. One of his hands felt like it was broken, and when he looked at the gauntlet he saw it was ruined, and that blood was dripping from it.
"Wow, are you guys OK?" Uraraka called, running over with Aqua, Darkness and Tokoyami.
"I think we went at it a little hard," Izuku admitted. "I, um, really wanted to win."
"That was incredible! Iris, I didn't think anyone, even Dark Shadow, could keep up with Midoriya in a brawl. You are truly an astonishing warrior," Tokoyami said.
Darkness nodded as Aqua hurried over and began to heal their hurts. "She is the queen of Belzerg, and worthy of the title."
"Thank you," Iris said softly. She smiled at Izuku. "Tell me, what would you say to a lordship in Belzerg? I could use the aid of one such as you in reclaiming my kingdom."
"I wouldn't count on it, Midoriya already turned down a dutchy," Uraraka chuckled.
"I don't know," Izuku admitted. "I'm worried about the Lord of the Tomb still, I-"
Izuku saw something moving fast out of the corner of his eye, and heard a familiar sound. He had just enough time to grab Aqua and jump to the side before Bakugo slammed into the ground, smoke rising from his body as he snarled in rage.
"I'll bury you," Bakugo snarled, rounding on Izuku. "The fuck did you do to Iris!"
"Katsuki! We were training. Such things happen," Iris said firmly. "You are my Shield, but you are not my nursemaid. At times, I may be wounded in training. You must learn to control yourself. You have done far worse to me when we spar."
Bakugo panted, his red eyes flicking from Izuku to Iris. Slowly, he nodded, falling to one knee before Iris, the sound of his grinding teeth easily audible. "I'm… sorry. I know you're not weak. I just… Seeing you hurt… I'm back in that fucking place."
"I know," Iris said, gently reaching down to tilt Bakugo's chin up to look at her. "It is well you are so protective, for that is a Shield's duty. Your devotion does not go unnoticed. I do not rebuke your fervor, nor your adoration. Only the direction of your anger. Midoriya is an ally. It is not him we must destroy, my prince."
Bakugo stood as Iris gently lifted him up. His gaze drifted to Izuku, then back to Iris again. She jerked her head at Izuku, and Bakugo set his jaw. Then, slowly, he turned to Izuku, giving a stiff bow. "I… apologize, Midoriya. I… spoke… in… fucking shit! Look, I was pissed, alright? Just watch yourself. You can fight Iris if she lets you, but you hurt her, I mean really fucking hurt her, and I will-"
Iris coughed, and Bakugo ground to a halt. He gave another jerky bow. "Sorry."
"Er, it's alright, Katsuki," Izuku said, feeling odd at having his old schoolmate apologize over something relatively trivial, considering their history. "I know… I know how it is to get angry, when someone you love is hurt."
Bakugo started, a look of something close to fear passing over him. For once, he appeared at a complete loss for words.
"Ok, so, how did you guys find Kazuma?" Aqua demanded, having finished healing Iris and apparently unable to read a room. "How'd we lose? I thought Midoriya's plan was great!"
That brought Bakugo back to reality, and he rolled his eyes. "Fucking guess."
They returned to the center of Site B, where Izuku noticed that the other half of the battle ground was rather demolished as well, signs of fighting everywhere. Mei was standing over Kazuma and Megumin, where they were laying down on a patch of rubble eating some of his conjured snacks while Mei yelled at them.
"-super cute babies were doing their job! You had to go and ruin it!" Mei yelled. "How am I supposed to get any field testing done if you just hand over our flag!"
"What?" Izuku asked, jogging over. "Mei, Kazuma, what happened?"
"I traded our flag," Kazuma said casually.
Megumin gave Izuku a smug grin. "Yes. Truly, I am the most devious and cunning of the Crimson Demon clan, and my brilliant scheme allowed my team to triumph!"
"You traded our flag?!" Izuku asked in exasperation. "For what?!"
"Panties," Kazuma said casually, and leered as he held up a pair of lacy black undergarments.
"You weren't supposed to tell him that," Megumin grumbled, blushing and trying to hide her face in Kazuma's shoulder. "That was supposed to be our secret."
"That is stupid! Uraraka told me how his Steal Skill worked, he didn't have to do that!" Mei ranted. "We could have WON!"
"Why do you care? It's just a stupid game," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Team Yunyun, you all pass, good work," Aizawa said as he walked up. "Except Megumin."
"What?!" Megumin cried, jerking slightly, her cheeks still flushed. "I'm the one who captured the flag!"
"Team Aqua, you performed admirably. I'll still give you passing marks. Especially you five, Hatsume, Todoroki, Iida, Kaminari, and Yaoyorozu That was an impressive use of terrain and traps."
"Do I fail too?" Kazuma asked.
Aizawa gave Kazuma a flat look. "Megumin, you fail because you used your Explosion spell to level a block of buildings, AFTER you had already captured the flag."
"That was my victory celebration! Our triumph needed to be suitably punctuated!" Megumin grumbled.
"And I fail because I turned traitor?" Kazuma asked.
"No, you fail because you're sexually harassing one of your classmates," Aizawa told him. "You found Megumin and offered to give her the flag for sexual favors. We don't allow that here at UA."
"Oh relax, we're dating, it's not like she doesn't enjoy it," Kazuma grumbled, passing a very embarrassed Megumin back her panties.
"I don't care. At school, you'll behave properly. And if you even think about sneaking off somewhere for a quickie, there will be consequences."
Kazuma smirked. "Like what? You gonna suspend me or something? I'd enjoy that! No school for a few days, it'd be nice!"
"Oh, I know," Aizawa said, giving Kazuma a malicious grin "That's why I'm going ensure you would actually be punished. For starters, I heard from Aqua that you have some experience in construction. Guess what? You and Megumin are going to be spending your free time rebuilding all the damage she caused."
"What?!" Kazuma and Megumin cried.
"Big Brother, I am very disappointed in you," Iris said with a shake of her head. "That sort of behavior should be beneath you. You are not taking our training seriously enough at all."
Kazuma muttered under his breath, but managed not to protest further.
"Right. Go get changed. You've still got afternoon classes. Your other teachers have been preparing new lessons." With that, Aizawa took another headache pill and stalked off.
Izuku was really starting to worry about his teacher's liver.
Author's Note
If it's ibuprofen, Izuku really should be worried about Aizawa's kidneys.
Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2020
Chapter 34: Sibling Rivarybeta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator
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Sibling Rivalry
To ask why we fight, is to ask why the leaves fall; it is in their nature. To my people, there is a better question: What is worth fighting for?
-Chen Stormstout
Life, Kazuma reflected, had a stupid habit of repeating itself. Here he was, doing manual labor once more. A dedicated, lifelong NEET, who should have had soft hands and perhaps a bit of a gut, was once more clearing rubble and laying bricks as he'd done for weeks back when he'd first arrived back in Axel. He'd even developed calluses.
"This is demeaning," Megumin grumbled as they worked. "I was a goddess! And I am a magical prodigy, an Archwizard! I should not be reduced to such trivial tasks!"
"Well then next time, don't blow up a city block," their supervisor, who looked like a living slab of concrete and was named of course, Cementoss, informed them. He was also their modern literature teacher, which both Kazuma and Megumin should have been totally lost in, as neither of them knew a damn thing about "hero literature." However, Kazuma's BS abilities, combined with Megumin's propensity for overly dramatic literary analysis seemed to be working, at least so far.
"This is the training ground! You didn't make Midoriya or Iris work when they leveled a few buildings!" Megumin argued.
"True, but they did that during the course of training. You blew up these buildings after the training exercise had ended," Cementoss pointed out.
"Just give it a rest," Kazuma sighed. "We're making good progress anyway."
"Mr. Cementoss, look, I rebuilt the building!" Aqua called.
Cementoss sighed and turned around. "Aqua, you've only had an hour, how could you…"
He trailed off as Kazuma and Megumin smirked. He'd been watching them instead of paying attention to what Aqua had been doing. She'd earned a punishment for "giving the teacher a migraine" with her antics. What Aizawa and Cementoss didn't know was that as a Muse of the Arts, Aqua was both an expert builder and architect.
The building she'd been assigned to repair had been not only rebuilt and remodeled in the short time, but also completely repainted in a stunning art deco style with vivid yellows and bright oranges contrasting with darker blacks and deep purples. Indeed, the entire three story building was now a masterwork of craftsmanship, which made it a bit of a shame that it was only here to be destroyed in training exercise.
"How… where did you find the materials? The paint?" Cementoss asked, sounding utterly baffled.
"I just used what was laying around. You have to be creative when it comes to construction materials!" Aqua said happily. "As for the paint, I just mixed a few ingredients I found in the storage closet. I made a brush out of that old broom. Looks pretty good, huh?"
"You… you're all dismissed for the day," Cementoss said, sounding as though he needed to sit down and have a very long think, and possibly a few beers. "I… good work, Aqua."
"Thanks! It was actually sort of fun, once I got into it! I call it, Casa de Amanecer," Aqua said, looking back at her work with a satisfied expression.
"Great, I'm up for knocking off early," Kazuma agreed. "Come on, Megumin, let's get a shower then find something to eat."
Unfortunately, Cementoss made sure Kazuma and Megumin went into the proper facilities to shower, but that was fine. Once they were changed, they headed back towards home, stopping in at the corner store below their apartment.
"Well, the prodigal son who exchanged his team's pride for carnal pleasures returns!" Vanir's voice called when they entered.
Kazuma looked up, scowling. "Oh great. I take it this is your new shop? Sheesh, what, are you selling snacks instead of magical items now?"
"We do have some support gear!" Wiz said, bustling up and smiling at them. "My order just came in from Detnerat! We've got clothes for avian, quadrupedal, and even multi-limbed people!"
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad," Kazuma said slowly, waiting for the catch.
Vanir sighed and rubbed at his mask's forehead. "Except that all these clothes glow in the dark, and have flashing safety lights."
"They said they were the new hot item in the catalogue! They were even on sale! I got such a good deal!" Wiz said cheerily. "Come on, look at my new snack orders, I'll let you have a free sample!"
"Salami flavored kit-kats?" Kazuma asked, incredulous at the candy he was offered. "Who eats these?"
"Not bad," Aqua mused after having taken a big bite. "Can I try the mint flavored potato chips too?"
Megumin took a hesitant nibble of the offered bag, then made a face. "Wiz, this is hideous. Don't you have something regular, like Doritos and Mountain Dew?"
"Oh yes, I have chocolate flavored Doritos, and limited edition Popeye's Mountain Dew!" Wiz said, offering Megumin a bottle.
She eagerly took a swig, only to cough and spit it out. "This tastes disgusting, Wiz!"
Kazuma took the bottle and turned it, then groaned. "Wiz, this says it's iron rich and spinach flavored."
"But, Spinach is good for you!" Wiz protested. "And all these snacks were so cheap from the distributor!"
Behind her, Vanir rested his head on the counter and let out a strangled sob.
"Yeah, because no one wants to buy them, they're gross!" Kazuma said. "Right, Aqua?"
"Huh?" Aqua said, lowering her bottle of spinach flavored soda and wiping her mouth. "Kazuma, I need some more cash, I spent mine, and I want to get more of these snacks, they're great! I've never tasted anything like them before!"
"Have you had any customers besides us?" Kazuma asked, pulling out a few of the yen bills they were getting from the government as a weekly allowance and handing them to Aqua. He felt sort of bad for Wiz, and maybe Vanir too, so he was willing to let Aqua buy some of their ridiculous products.
"People keep coming in, taking one look, then leaving," Wiz sighed. "I don't understand! It's been a long time since I was a human, but I remember liking chocolate and salami. I just don't recall tastes properly…"
"Well, maybe you should ask someone with actual taste buds before you order a bunch of stuff next time," Megumin said, wrinkling her nose at snack cakes with cream cheese and mustard filling. "Where'd you get the money for this, anyway?"
"Oh, well, when we arrived, we had a catalog and a line of credit to go with the store, so, well, I thought, maybe we could make some money!" Wiz explained, looking hopeful. "If we can sell some of this, I could get more money to buy other products, but right now…"
"I don't know how you'd manage to move this," Kazuma said, shaking his head. "You'd have to have an incredible constitution just to try this stuff."
"What you need is advertising!" Megumin proclaimed. "I don't know if you know this, but I once helped the Axis Church pioneer their tactics for recruiting members! You just need a marketing campaign. Maybe a celebrity endorsement!"
That made Kazuma chuckle "Right, like some celebrity is just going to walk through the door, and shout-"
"I AM HERE!" All Might boomed, popping through the door. "To say hello!"
"Oh!" Wiz said, a smile blooming on her face. "All Might, you're just the hero I needed!"
The large man seemed concerned by this. "Really? You seem rather a capable fighter yourself, Miss Wiz. What concerns you? Don't tell me young Kazuma has already gotten into more trouble…"
"Oh, no, I just want you to try some of the snacks we're carrying!" Wiz explained. "You're a well known local celebrity, right?"
"Er, you could say that," All Might agreed hesitantly.
"Perfect! Here, these are some chocolate flavored Doritos, give them a try!" Wiz said, thrusting a bag of the alleged chips at the pro hero.
Suspiciously, All Might examined the supposed treat. "Well, I'm not usually much of one for junk food. I have to be constantly training, and fuel my body with only the most-" He paused as Wiz's hopeful expression fell. Taking another look at the chips, All Might swallowed, then opened the bag. He popped one in his mouth, chewing. Kazuma and Megumin watched expectantly, certain the big man would gag or try to spit out the chips somehow.
"Why, these are quite good!" All Might suddenly said, a huge smile blooming on his face. "They're like nothing I've ever tried before." He eagerly shoved another handful of the chips in his mouth, making little grunts of pleasure.
"Right? This stuff is great!" Aqua said, a huge armfull of snacks in her hands. "And Kazuma and Megumin don't like them, so I won't have to worry about them stealing it!"
Vanir sidled over, rubbing his hands eagerly. "Good sir, might moi convince you to make a statement or two that we could use for our promotional materials? Perhaps a line or two."
"Oh, er, well, usually my Agency handles that sort of thing," All Might said, but a single look at Wiz's earnest and hopeful expression made All Might relent. "-but I suppose that a few pictures or a line or two won't hurt anything."
"Come on," Megumin said, taking Izuku's shirt sleeve. "Let's get something to eat that doesn't turn my stomach. Then we'll have time to look for a good MMO to play."
They headed up the stairs, Aqua munching on a stick of grape and sauerkraut flavored processed meat. Kazuma swung the door open, and froze, as Megumin sucked in a breath.
"What? Who is it?" Darkness's voice called as Tokoyami froze in the sudden glare in the darkened room. Thankfully, the monster sized Dark Shadow blocked most of the view, but Kazuma didn't have to have much of an active imagination to realize what was happening. "Oh, are we being caught in the act? This is so embarrassing! Oh, the humiliation the-"
Kazuma slammed the door shut.
"What?" Aqua asked, apparently not having seen anything with the others blocking the doorway. "Kazuma, I need to put my snacks somewhere!"
"Yeah, er, why don't you go give some to Eris or something?" Kazuma said, shoving her towards the apartment next to theirs. "In fact, why don't we all go visit our friends? It's been too long since we've seen them!"
"But we just saw them at school! I want to go home and relax, not share my snacks!" Aqua argued.
"You really don't want to go home right now," Megumin groaned, her eyes haunted. "I'm going to need a lot of Explosions to help me forget that."
"Remind me to send Darkness a text the next time we're coming home early," Kazuma muttered as he banged on the next door. "Hey, anybody home?"
The door clicked open, and the irritated face of Katsuki Bakugo scowled out. "The fuck do you extras want?"
"Forget that, what are you doing in my little sister's apartment?!" Kazuma demanded, summoning his sword. He growled when he saw that Bakugo had on a dress shirt and slacks, and was about ready to stab him when he felt Megumin's hand on his arm.
"He was Komekko's friend," she said quietly.
Kazuma looked at Megumin, and saw the pain in her eyes. Reluctantly, he dismissed his blade, just in time for Bakugo to step aside as Iris came to the door.
"Big bro? This is perfect! You should come with Katsuki and I, he was going to show me the town! Since Megumin is your intended, she should accompany us! Ashido tells me this is called, 'a double date.'"
"What?! We're not getting married!" Kazuma cried, taking a step back, then pointing at Iris "And neither are you! You're way too young to get married, and I-OOF-"
"What do you mean, we're not getting married?!" Megumin shouted, punching Kazuma in the gut yet again. "Do you think I'm that easy?! That I'm just going to shack up with you forever and be your live-in waifu!?"
Kazuma tried to reply, but Bakugo was shouting so loudly he could barely hear himself think.
"-not a damned date! You just said-"
"Katsuki, are you denying you wish to take your beautiful queen on a date, as is required of your station?" Iris asked in a calm voice, cutting Bakugo off. Her eyes, however, reminded Kazuma of Megumin right before she unleashed an Explosion.
"Look, Megumin, I just-" Kazuma swallowed, realizing that Megumin had that dangerous glint in her eyes now. "I didn't… I didn't want to assume, that, you know… you wanted to marry me…"
"Well maybe now I don't! Do you not love me?! Are you not my destined soulmate?!" Megumin demanded, grabbing Kazuma's shirt collar and dragging him down to her height.
Kazuma and Bakugo's eyes slid towards one another, but both boys quickly looked back to the deadly women who had them by the proverbial short hairs.
"We'll go on a date," Bakugo agreed, looking distinctly uncomfortable.
"Look, let's… why don't we go with Iris and Bakugo? You know, a date, like a real couple. I'll er, buy you something nice," Kazuma offered.
"No you won't, you gave all your money to me for snacks," Aqua said. She slid between the two couples. "Hey, Eris, want to try some food? The mortals are making doe eyes at one another again and it's really gross."
"Aqua, you do realize we're mortal now, right?" Eris said, stepping out of her room. "And you do recall I was mortal once, don't you? I know what it is to feel love and passion."
"Yeah, but have you tried some of Wiz's snacks?! These are great! I've never had anything like them, they're a brand new sensation!" Aqua set the snacks down on the table, rustling through them and handing some to Eris, who appeared intrigued.
"A date would be nice," Megumin sniffed. She made a face then. "I, um, don't have any nice clothes with me, however, and I am not going back to my apartment to look."
"It is fine, I am simply wearing my school uniform as well as I lack a proper wardrobe," Iris said, stepping out of her doorway, Bakugo half a step behind her. "I er, hope you knocked? I saw Lalatina and, ah, Tokoyami enter, and while I did not wish to make any presumptions-"
"Let's just not talk about it," Kazuma said. "Ever."
"Ah. Well then. Megumin, you simply must tell me of your trevails in this other world you visited. What was it like?"
The two girls started chatting as the boys followed a few steps behind them. Kazuma found himself slouching slightly, unsure of what he was doing, and shoving his hands in his pockets. Why did Megumin have to get so upset? He just hadn't thought that far ahead. Most games ended once you unlocked the H-Scene. He really wasn't sure what came after that. He glanced at Bakugo, scowling and wondering if he thought he could get away with trying something on Iris.
Kazuma met Bakugo's eyes, and they both started to realize that they were aping one another's posture. Quickly, each straightened and took their hands out of their pockets, glaring at one another. They walked like that for several seconds, before Iris interrupted their staring contest.
"Katsuki, where is it that you are taking us? This is your home, after all, and we strangers in it."
"Dunno. You said you needed clothes and sh… stuff, so, I guess, the mall? We can get something to eat too. You ain't really had anything but school meals so far, yeah?"
Iris gave Bakugo a dazzling smile. "While I appreciate the effort, Katsuki, Kazuma is practically family, and Megumin is a dear friend. The strictures on your language can be relaxed around them."
"Thank fucking Christ," Bakugo growled. "I ain't cut out for this prince shit. You really should drop that bullshit."
"Yeah!" Kazuma agreed, surprised that he and Bakugo were on the same page on the matter. "Bakugo isn't suited for being royalty at all!"
"And you are?" Iris inquired, her eyes sparkling.
"Hell no," Kazuma and Bakugo said at the same moment, then turned and bared their teeth at one another.
"Now boys, behave," Megumin sniffed. "This is a date. We expect you to treat us like ladies. Even if I do have to buy Kazuma dinner, since he is broke."
Bakugo led them to the train station, where it turned out their UA student IDs offered a rather significant discount on a train card. That was fine with Kazuma, as he was down to his last 1000 yen. At least the currency seemed relatively stable, unlike his life.
Megumin and Iris ended up taking a seat by themselves, leaving Kazuma and Bakugo to stand together nearby. They spent the journey very obviously not looking at one another, though Kazuma found himself smiling faintly at being aboard a subway again.
At the station, they got off, and Megumin and Iris excused themselves to the bathroom. Kazuma leaned against the wall, eyeing the oddly familiar station. It was essentially how he remembered such a place, but it was just… off. For one thing, the abundance of mutant types meant that it was almost as though he were back in a fantasy world, and subways in Belzerg just wasn't right.
"You think I'm fucking stupid?"
Kazuma looked up to see Bakugo slouching next to him, his eyes straight forward.
"No, I think you're an asshole," Kazuma retorted.
"Takes one to fucking know one," Bakugo snorted, then spat into a nearby trash can.
"I know what I am, but I ain't trying to get into the pants of the damn queen!" Kazuma argued. "Besides, Megumin knows I'm an asshole, so does Iris. I ain't trying to fool anybody."
Bakugo turned to glare at Kazuma. "And you fucking think I am? That I'm just doing this so I can screw Iris and make a notch on my damn bedpost?"
"I, well, um," Kazuma's mind blanked. Why was Bakugo doing this?
"Shit. Iris knows what I'm about," Bakugo muttered, turning back to watch the passers by. "I've told her I ain't some damn knight in shining armor or some bull like that. I'm a fucking asshole. God damn it, you ever had a literal god tell you you're going to hell? Because I fucking have."
Kazuma considered that. "No. But they told me my parents laughed at me when I died."
"What, really?" Bakugo asked, scowling at Kazuma. When he nodded, Bakugo laughed. "Ha! I knew you were a pathetic nerd, but that takes the cake!"
"Piss off, pal. I left those bastards behind, so screw 'em. I've got real friends and family now. And in case you hadn't noticed, Iris is one of them. And I don't take kindly to some no-account asshole trying to horn in on my little sister! She's a good person! She's smart, and kind, and brave, and she's going to be a damn fine ruler! And what are you? Just a jerkoff who knows who to break things!"
Bakugo grunted, but didn't say anything, and Kazuma frowned at him. They stood for a few moments, then it dawned on Kazuma.
"You know, don't you?"
"Like I asked, you think I'm stupid or some shit? I know. Fuck. I don't deserve to be in the same room as Iris. Why she thinks she's gonna marry me or some shit… I dunno. It was bad enough when she made me her shield. At least that shit I understood. She needed a bastard, someone who could fight, could break Demiurge and his little friends. And I'm fucking great at blowing shit up."
"This was her idea," Kazuma realized. "She said you defeated the Demiurge with her… which means…"
"Like fuck I did. I croaked. Pretty sure we both did," Bakugo said, and once more, he looked pained and remorseful, almost as though he was on the verge of tears. "Knowing I failed her… I can't do that again. She needs a better man. Someone who can actually guard her back. And that ain't me." Then he turned to Kazuma, his eyes blazing with fury. "But it sure as hell ain't you!"
"I know," Kazuma admitted quietly, looking away. "I failed her, once. I failed everyone. It's my fault Belzerg fell in the first place. If I'd just managed to defeat the Lord of the Tomb…"
"Oh that's horseshit and you know it. Iris and me couldn't beat his damn minions, not even with Komekko. Shit, not even if we'd brought Sero, Yunyun, Ashido, Kirishima, and the fucking Salvation Army. It was bad enough fighting Demiurge. You actually fought this Ainz bastard?"
Kazuma let out a bitter laugh. "Fought? He only showed his face to end me once everyone else was dead. I couldn't do anything. We couldn't even beat his minions. I watched Chris get eaten alive by cockroaches. I saw Darkness exsanguinated. Yunyun was butchered when she ran out of spells and those undead overran us. Then they saved Megumin for last. Out of mana, her spine broken by those twisted elf kids. Then, He showed up. He just looked at me, pointed, and I died. I didn't do anything, I just clung to Megumin's corpse. Didn't even put up a fight. I could have. I still had some MP. But I didn't even care anymore."
Bakugo was silent, and so was Kazuma. After another minute, Megumin and Iris walked out of the bathroom. Bakugo started forward, but Kazuma reached out, grabbing Bakugo's arm. "Would you go back with her? Really? Knowing… he'd probably be there, waiting for you?"
Bakugo brushed Kazuma's grip away. "I don't care where she goes. I'll be there with her. And I'll die before she does. Just like last time."
Bakugo started away, but Kazuma nodded. "Then I guess you're a better man than I am. She's yours."
Bakugo glanced over his shoulder, his eyes blazing with rage. "Piss off. She's no one's to give away. She's no weakling."
The mall wasn't far, and this time Iris put her arm in Bakugo's. Megumin did the same to Kazuma as they trailed a little behind the other two.
"So, what'd you and Iris talk about?" Kazuma demanded. "Swapping stories about your stupid boyfriends?"
"Don't flatter yourself. Iris wanted to know about the forces of the Tomb we fought," Megumin said. Then, she paused, looking guilty. He might not have noticed, save for the fact he'd literally known her for centuries.
"I know when you're hiding something," Kazuma said. "Come on, spit it out."
"She… she wants us to come with her," Megumin said quietly. "When she goes back to Belzerg. She wants our help, Kazuma."
"Why? Belzerg's toast. Everyone we care about is already here," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Plus, the internet's way better here."
"Perhaps," Megumin said, looking away.
"What?" Kazuma demanded. "Why would you want to go back? It can't be because you liked the place. Everyone there was just as much of a dick to you as they were to me. They called you the crazy weird one, even in your village."
"That is true," Megumin admitted. "But… Kazuma, I… I have family there, still alive."
That took Kazuma aback. "What?"
"Komekko. Her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. My….my nieces and nephews. They still live."
"Oh." Kazuma considered that, unsure of what to say. He looked down at Megumin, and saw the pain. It was a sadly familiar sensation by now. He knew better than to say anything, but pattered her arm, and kissed the top of her head. "I do love you, you know. I'd even marry you."
"If you wish to marry me, you shall have to ask properly, for I am a true Crimson Demon," Megumin sniffed.
"Oh I see how it is. You're just nervous. Getting cold feet?" Kazuma teased.
"No, but I am going to insist that you ask properly," Megumin stated. "Now come. I wish to learn more of your culture. You know of mine."
They ended up having quite the enjoyable evening, shopping at a few stores for clothes, toys, and whatever else caught their eyes. Kazuma and Megumin got a few manga volumes and a some games to play at home, along with a bell for Chomusuke and clothes for the both of them.
Iris purchased a few practical items for school, as well as one or two outfits, though she didn't appear to have much interest in entertainment. Bakugo was mostly silent, apparently slightly uncomfortable in a group that knew each other well already. It had been a long time, but it was easy enough for Kazuma and Iris to fall into their old ways of teasing one another.
"Hey, an arcade! Oh man, it's finally my turn to beat you at games, little sis," Kazuma laughed. He dug out the few remaining coins he had. "Come on, play me at a round of Street Fighter!"
"Ha, I know these games! Come on, I'll show you how to get a high score, Bakugo!" Megumin cackled, digging out her own meager change and hurrying over to a cabinet.
"What? How the hell do you even know what these are?" Bakugo demanded.
"Aqua had a cabinet in the Divine Realm! I am especially skilled, for Crimson Demons are naturally talented at DDR!" Megumin proclaimed. "You are worthy to hold my jacket while I display my superior talents!"
"Oh fuck you, ya pint sized rat! I'll kick your ass!"
"You think so? Very well! I shall wager the title of true master of explosions! If you lose, you must tell all that I, Megumin, am the TRUE mistress of Explosions, and that you are barely worthy of licking my boots!"
Kazuma grinned and turned back to Iris, who was seriously studying the combo directions. "This is… one of the video games you have spoken of?"
"Yeah, pretty cool, huh?" Kazuma asked. "I looked it up online. Here, in this version, Vile is basically the top tier, with Zangief and-"
"I like her," Iris proclaimed, and locked in Karin. "She appears to be a lady of some skill."
"Um, yeah, OK. I guess I'll just play Dan," Kazuma said, wincing and locking in the joke character.
Even with Dan's pathetic arsenal, Kazuma dominated. It was quickly clear that Iris hadn't a clue what she was doing. though she still seemed to be having fun, and even managed to pull off a couple of basic combos when Kazuma walked her through it.
"So, you like Bakugo, huh?" Kazuma asked quietly as they played.
"Hmm? Why do you think that?" Iris asked, her attention mostly on the game.
Kazuma was so shocked that Iris actually managed to get in a few hits before her recovered. "Geez, I mean, you're going on about marrying the guy! So, you know, I figured, you like him, and whatever." Kazuma could not bring himself to say "love" in regards to Bakugo, even if he seemed to have at least reached a temporary understanding with the other boy.
"Kazuma, liking someone has nothing to do with marriage," Iris said, sounding slightly exasperated.
"What?! Of course it does! I mean, I liked Megumin before I, you know, loved her and stuff. I still do. She's my best friend. Even more than Aqua and Darkness, she's the person I want to just hang out with. So, you know, you like Bakugo, want to be with him and stuff. You're always together at school, and he walks you there and back."
"Kazuma, that is because you and Megumin are commoners. I mean no insult, that is simply the nature of the world. Someone of my position has not that luxury," Iris said, turning away from the game.
Kazmua gave up as well, as the match's outcome was obvious. "Oh? So, what, you're going to force yourself to marry the guy, even if you hate him?"
"I don't hate Katsuki," Iris said patiently. "He is my Shield, and my strong right arm. I shall marry him to bind him to me, so that Belzerg might be saved, and my children might be strong enough to rule it. I suppose I am fond of him after a fashion, but 'like' and 'love' have no place in a queen's affairs, save when it comes to her duty, and her people."
"So, what, you couldn't have married me because I'm weak?" Kazuma demanded, folding his arms over his chest.
Iris giggled. "I could have, had you not hastened into a relationship with Megumin, though I imagine she would have had something to say about it. You're not weak, Kazuma. That is why I want you at my side when I reclaim my kingdom."
Kazuma felt his heart start to beat rapidly, the icy hands of fear gripping it and squeezing. He tried to control himself, but by Iris' expression, he knew he hadn't managed it. "Iris, I-"
"You don't plan on returning?!" Iris demanded, her eyes going wide. "You would abandon our kingdom, our people?!"
"Iris, everyone either of us knew is dead, or here with us. Why go back? It's just land. We can have a home here. Hell, Bakugo lives here, you and him can-"
Iris' slap was enough to send Kazuma flying. If it weren't for his Acrobatics skill, he would have crashed through several arcade cabinets, then the window. As it was, he managed to tumble along the floor and come to a stop next to the wall, his head ringing.
"Hey! What the hell are you doing!? You dumbass kids using quirks in here? I'm calling the cops!"
"No, it's fine, I just slipped," Kazuma said, getting shakily to his feet, his ears still ringing. "My sister, she's just, er, you know. I said something stupid about her boyfriend, and she was a little upset. Um, it was my quirk that activated, you see. It's nothing."
"Get out," the manager growled, and pointed to the door. "I don't care if you are UA students. I don't need the damn cops coming down on my head cause you idiots think it's funny to use your quirks in public!"
"Fine, your games suck anyway," Kazuma grumbled. "Megumin, come on, we're leaving."
"Ha! Victory is mine!" Megumin proclaimed, then looked over and saw the handprint on Kazuma's cheek. She rounded on Iris, her eyes flashing.
"Not the time," Kazuma said quietly, taking her by the arm. "Come on."
"Katsuki, we are departing," Iris said, her voice ice. "Where is a place we can train?"
"Dojo where I practice and shit ain't too far. Got to be careful about using quirks there though. Sensei's OK with it if you keep to the back and don't get too crazy," Bakugo said, eyeing Kazuma. "Or do I need to bust some heads?"
"It is a disagreement between siblings. Come. I need to blow off some steam," Iris growled, grabbing Bakugo's hand and leading him away.
Kazuma and Megumin watched them go, then Kazuma sighed. "Well, I'm broke now. You?"
"I am hungry. I saved enough for us to eat. Yen is much like Eris, yes? Three thousand should be enough."
"Yeah, it's plenty. Come on, that looks like a ramen place. You'll like that."
They got their meals to go, heading back to the apartment. Kazuma had a decent enough natural sense of direction that they were able to walk, finding a park to sit and eat in as the sun set. Megumin eagerly slurped up her own food, and borrowed a fair bit of Kazuma's. He didn't mind, he wasn't that hungry, and besides, if she got fat, maybe she'd quit worrying about how small her boobs were. He liked them, but he knew it had bothered her to see how much bigger Iris' bust was when they were trying on outfits.
"You really want to go back?" Kazuma asked as they walked along the darkening streets.
Megumin glanced at Kazuma, then shivered and pressed herself to him. "I don't know. I… I watched you die too many times. And… and Aqua isn't a goddess anymore. I would like to help my Clan and family, but…"
"Darkness is gonna go. So will birdbrain, if she asks him. Iris is dead set on it too," Kazuma said quietly. "I almost think I could sit this one out. Live here, where it's quiet."
Megumin nodded, and they walked along the street, holding hands. They got back to their apartment complex, and this time, they knocked before they entered.
"Um, come in," Tokoyami's voice called. "We're, er, finished."
Cautiously, Kazuma and Megumin opened the door, finding a flushed Darkness and an embarrassed Tokoyami sitting on the couch together.
"Sup, bitches?" Dark Shadow squawked. "You like what you see?"
"Dark Shadow!" Tokoyami hissed, but his quirk just chuckled and hid under the furniture.
"We did not expect you back so soon," Darkness said, smoothing her skirts. "We, ah, you see, both of us needed to relieve some tension and-"
"We don't care," Kazuma said bluntly. "Next time, put a sock on the door or something. What you two do is your own damn business. Just clean up after yourselves."
"Yes," Megumin said, and started dragging Kazuma towards their own bedroom. "Now I suggest you give the two of us some privacy."
Later, when Kazuma woke up in the middle of the night, he found Megumin whimpering in her sleep, crying out for her dead sister. He sighed, and pulled her close. He didn't know if he could go through all that again. But he sure as hell couldn't let his friends go alone.
"We'll go," Kazuma whispered, kissing Megumin's forehead as she jerked awake. "Together."
Megumin didn't speak, instead grabbing Kazuma's head and forcing her lips onto hers. For a little while, they could have peace, here, together. But it always ended too soon.
Chapter 35: I Got You Babe[img: . ]
I Got You Babe
Five O'clock get a call to go blading at the skate park down by the mall
But my mom says I got to prevent hostile aliens from annihilating us all
- My Life as a Teenage Robot
Izuku dropped down from his window, dropping to the pavement with a soft thud. He barely felt the impact, but looked around just to be sure. It wasn't technically illegal to use your quirk to cushion a fall, but the cops would get suspicious to see a kid leaving his house at this hour of the night. He pulled his hoodie up over his head, shoved his hands in the front pocket, and hurried off down the street. He made it to an alleyway, then took a deep breath. It was against the law, but…
One For All ran through him, and he jumped up to the rooftops. Part of him screamed that this was wrong, but the other part screamed that Mei needed him. And a large part of him needed her.
It was simple enough to jump from building to building, and Izuku soon had a rhythm going. He used his phone to navigate, ensuring that he was going in the right direction, as from above none of the streets looked right, and he had a hard enough time with new routes at the best of times.
He was half way to Mei's apartment when a dark shape dropped out of the sky next to Izuku. He was on alert instantly, spinning and falling into a combat stance. "Who-"
He cut himself off and swallowed when All Might stood up, looking grimly down at Izuku. "Young Midoriya. Awfully late for an evening jog. And in a most unusual fashion."
"I…" Izuku swallowed, and squared his shoulders, forcing himself to stand up right before his mentor and idol. "I'm going to see Mei. My mom, Hari… they won't let us see each other after school. And…"
All Might sighed heavily. "Really, Midoriya? I recall being young, but this is incredible. You cannot be apart from your girlfriend for even a night? Or perhaps you thought to make, and I can't believe I'm saying this, a 'booty call?'"
"That… that might have happened," Izuku admitted. "Mostly, it's because we can't sleep. All Might… I… do you see them?"
That made the older hero jerk back. He peered at Izuku's face for a moment, his eyes searching for something, and apparently finding it. Then he sighed. All Might turned, going to the edge of the building and sitting down. He patted the rooftop with one hand. "Come sit, Midoriya. I think I know who you're talking about. And yes. I do see them. Those I've killed. And those I've failed to save."
Izuku sat down next to All Might. For long minutes, they just sat there, looking at the dim stars above them, or the traffic passing below. After the silence became too much for Izuku to bear, he swallowed. "She has nightmares. So do I."
'Yes. I am… familiar. I can still see the face of the first man I killed." All Might studied the sky, gazing up at the bare dozen twinkling lights above them. Mufuasu wasn't a good place for stargazing. "Those haunt me enough. Worse are those even my strength was unable to protect. And… I can still see Shimura, as she reached out to me, passing on the torch only moments before she perished."
"How do you deal with it?" Izuku asked, keeping his voice hushed. "I just… I tried, you know. To block it out. But… All Might, I watched an entire city die. I know… I know they're supposed to be alright, but… what if they're not? What if I failed, and humanity was wiped out on that world? What if… what if they come here? Would that spell work in Tokyo? I just… I can't sleep, when I think of it."
"Understandable. That… well, that's worse than anything I've seen over my career. This entire situation is beyond frightening," All Might said quietly.
Izuku jerked, staring at All Might. The older hero turned to look at him, and smiled, his face shadowed in the dim light, but kind. "Do not think that I never felt fear, Midioriya. My smile hides it, and I try to take the fears of others, but that does not mean I have not felt dread in my own heart. This Ainz Ooal Gown… he is concerning. Worse perhaps than even All For One, my greatest nemesis. Perhaps it is time… no, you have enough on your mind. Come."
"Where… where are you taking me?" Izuku asked nervously.
"Back to your mother. Then, I think to my own headquarters. There is something I think your guardians do not understand. Do not think I am advocating you two be allowed to sleep with one another. Only that… I understand. And the dark circles under your eyes do not lie."
Going at full speed, it took only minutes to get back to Izuku's apartment. They knocked on the door, and a minute later a flustered Inko opened it. "All Might!? And, Izuku?! What are you-"
"Mom, we need to talk," Izuku sighed. "About a lot of things."
"But this is a conversation best held only once, I think. Some things are too painful to discuss repeatedly. I have called the Hatsume sisters. They shall meet us at my agency," All Might said. "There is a car waiting down below. Come."
"All Might, I mean, this is-I know you're Izuku's teacher, but-" Inko babbled.
"Mom, he's not just my teacher," Izuku said, taking his mother's hand. "Come on. You know I was born quirkless. It's time you learned the truth."
"What?! But you-" Inko swallowed, looked at All Might, then nodded. "Ok. Let me get my coat."
The drive over was awkward and quiet, Inko looking nervously at All Might, who was gazing out a window at the passing lights, apparently lost in thought. Izuku figited, worried about what was going to happen.
They arrived at the Agency a few minutes before Mei and Hari did. She jumped out of Hari's car and ran to meet Izuku, who hugged her tightly.
"Alright you two," Hari growled, coming over. "Enough of that. You already got to play tongue hockey when you were supposed to be studying. Now what's this about, All Might? You gonna tell me more crazy stuff about goddesses?"
"Not as much," All Might said. "More about the burden of being a hero. It's something I didn't think we'd have to discuss for a few years in regards to Midoriya, and, well, I confess it wasn't something I foresaw for Hatsume either, we-"
"Ok, you are going to have to call him Izuku and me Mei. This is too confusing. She is also Midoriya, and Hari is also Hatsume. I am too tired to keep track. Sorry if I am being rude," Mei said, rubbing at her eyes and blinking. They were tinted orange, and Izuku knew she'd been having as bad a time as he had. During the day, with their friends, it wasn't so bad. But at night… That was when it was hard.
"Come. This is not the place to discuss such things," All Might said, and ushered them into his quiet office.
There were still a few people on duty, as the All Might Agency never really slept, but it was only a skeleton crew. All Might took them to a luxurious break room with plush couches and well stocked fridges. A gangly aid gave Mei a few energy drinks, then departed out a side door. Mei came over, passing the cans out to Izuku and Hari.
"Bit late for that, don't you think?" Hari asked, but cracked open a can and took a sip anyway. Izuku drank his as well, letting the sugar and caffeine sooth his frayed nerves.
"I suppose I should apologize to you, Mrs. Midoriya. What I've involved your son in… I had thought to shelter him from it for a time, but apparently I couldn't manage that," All Might said, setting a hot cup of tea in front of Inko.
"Did you… did you have something to do with those aliens and monsters and things he's been talking about?" Inko asked worriedly.
"Sort of," Izuku explained. "Aqua picked me to fight against the Tomb because I…" he swallowed, and looked to All Might, who nodded.
"It's time, young Midoriya. There have been too many secrets of late, I fear, and All For One has become the least of our concerns."
"Mom… Mei already knows, but… All Might, he's the one who gave me a quirk," Izuku said, taking her hands in his. "That's why… why it was so damaging, at first. I've got it mostly under control now, though if I go all out I still hurt myself. He chose me to be his successor."
Inko looked back and forth between Izuku and All Might, her expression baffled. "But, how, I don't… quirks aren't…"
"Mine was special," All Might said gently. "A great burden that has been passed down through time, from hero to hero. We were tasked with a special mission, to be the Pillars of Peace for society. I saw in Midoriya the same thing my mentor saw in me, for I too was born quirkless. A few months ago, though to him it has been far longer, I gave up my quirk to him."
"Wait, you mean to tell us that All Might… is quirkless?" Hari asked, looking very pale. "But that would mean-"
"Aqua healed him, he's fine now," Mei said. "That's why he converted to the Axis Faith."
"Er, yes, quite," All Might agreed. "Which takes us to the main reason I called you here. You see, in taking up this burden, and in traveling to this other world, these young people have become true heroes. And they have taken up the burden that all heroes must bear. They have seen death. They have killed. They have fought, and bled, and I fear even died. That leaves scars."
Mei drew her feet up onto the couch, hugging herself and scooting into Izuku's lap. "Sometimes… sometimes I can still see them all. The bodies. Just lying there. We… we didn't save them. I thought I could make the cutest babies, and keep everyone safe, and that Izuku would be the hero, but… but then…"
"At night, when I close my eyes, I can still feel my fist going through those women's chests," Izuku said, squeezing his eyes shut as he clung to Mei. "They weren't human, not really. But… but it doesn't matter. I can feel them break in my hands. I had to. They were… they slaughtered so many, more than even Aqua could bring back, but… I still see their faces, their eyes, looking at me. And I ask myself… could I have saved them?"
Inko and Hari were both quiet, save for Izuku's mother's soft weeping.
"This is what it means to be a hero," All Might said quietly. "To bear the burdens of society, to be the Pillar of Peace that the world rests upon. We bear this pain that others might be safe, both from danger, and from the anguish we suffer. Usually, it is something we have time to prepare our pupils for. But in this case… time has run away from us."
"Mei… when you were crying at night…" Hari licked her lips. "I'm sorry. I thought… I thought you were just being dramatic. Missing your boyfriend."
"I do. Because when Izuku is there, it is not so bad," Mei said, moving her own arms to wrap around Izuku. "But sometimes… even when he is… I still have nightmares."
"We're going to have to speak with your own classmates," All Might said, wiping at his eyes with a large finger. He sighed heavily. "It's something I've had to do for young heroes before. Not something I enjoy. We've been keeping an eye on all of you, but, well, this is different. You are still all children. No matter if you call yourself goddesses or queens, or knights, or anything else."
"I don't feel much like a kid anymore," Izuku said quietly.
All Might looked troubled, then nodded. "Perhaps the wrong choice of words. Though in fairness, even the older Hatsume sister looks much like a child to me these days."
"Oh piss off. I'm twenty. I'm not a damn baby," Hari growled.
"Sweetie, that's not helping your argument," Inko hiccuped, wiping at her eyes. She looked at Izuku and Mei, and let out a heavy sigh. "You really did get married, didn't you?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Izuku said. "And, well, we did sort of think we were going to die again."
"I didn't. I knew you would keep me safe," Mei said, clutching at Izuku. "I just… I needed you to be there. And for you to know I was there, for you."
"Well… you are both very young. And, well, I'd be lying if I said I thought that the two of you sleeping together is a good idea," Inko sighed. Then she bit her lip. "But… but I don't want you to hurt, either. I don't know what to do."
"Well, Mei's on the pill," Hari sighed. "Fuck me, I'm her sister, not her mother. I shouldn't have to deal with this."
"You could always tell mom and dad," Mei pointed out.
"Oh hell no. I am not unburying THAT landmine," Hari declared. "We'll deal with that… later. Ugh. Look, you want to go back to Izuku's place, fine. It's been… well, no one likes to hear her little sister cry herself to sleep at night. Been ages since you tried to climb into bed with me, Mei. Guess it just ain't the same anymore."
"Good. I'll see you both get back home," All Might said, standing. "And Midoriya? Next time you feel the need for a late night stroll, call me."
They all departed, leaving All Might alone. He sipped his tea, then turned to a side door. "Well?"
"I got a good look at Mei Hatsume's future," Sir Nighteye said. "Or rather, I should have gotten a good look at it."
"Compared to Aqua?" All Might asked. Sir Nighteye had visited the school a few days ago, shaking Aqua's hand and attempting to glimpse her future. It hadn't been what they expected.
Sir Nighteye flopped on the couch, shaking his head as he stretched out his long limbs. "All Might, you know me well. I was your sidekick for years. How many times did I fail to get a reading on someone with my quirk?"
All Might grunted and sat. "Never."
"Then let me just say that whatever has happened to those children, it's completely blocking my power," Sir Nighteye said, taking off his spectacles and polishing them with a cloth. He blew on them, squinted, and repeated the task. "Aqua's future was like staring up at an endless ocean, constantly moving and changing, with eddies and currents swirling through it. On one end, a waterfall that crashed into nothingness, and the other, endless. I could see nothing meaningful in that, only that she is a being unlike any other I have ever seen."
"She claims to be mortal now," All Might pointed out.
"Perhaps she is. But that doesn't mean she's human. My power doesn't work on animals, you know that. As for Hatsume… well, she is human. But her future does not follow one path. There are two running concurrently, and I cannot see anything clearly between them."
"I hesitate to ask you to use your power on Midoriya. You said your vision of me has changed, however," All Might said.
Sir Nighteye shrugged. "I see your future as if through the eyes of an insect, or shattered glass. A thousand different paths move and converge. Something HAS changed. But, there are figures in common through all the visions. The first, are these newcomers and the students at UA. They have a role to play."
"And the others?" All Might asked, knowing what he would hear.
"A blond woman with eyes of ice. Monsters of terrifying strength. And All For One, returned."
All Might nodded. "Then we shall have to prepare. Do readings on the others. We have to know what we can. How much time do we have?"
"I do not know. But not long."
Iris stood at the window, her eyes closed as the cool night air blew over her, listening to the strange sounds of this world. She had to stand on her tiptoes to see out the window, and even then her chin only just rested on the windowsill. But she liked this. It reminded her of when she was a girl, looking out over Belzerg.
Behind her, Katsuki's breathing changed. A moment later, she heard the mattress creak, and the sound of his bare feet padding on the floor behind her. He came to stand by her. She took his arm, and placed it over her shoulders. A smile crossed her face.
"My mom's gonna be pissed. Dad won't be happy either," Bakugo grunted after a quiet moment.
"This troubles you?" Iris asked, leaning in to him. He was warm, his muscles thick, and dense. She could feel his scars against her skin. He had nearly as many as her.
"I'll handle it. But they're gonna wanna meet you," Bakugo said, looking down at Iris, his expression troubled. "I just… why?"
"I told you. We are to be wed," Iris replied. "The kingdom needs a prince consort."
Bakugo flinched slightly. "Still on about that prince stuff?"
"If one is wed to a queen, then one becomes a prince. Do you not desire to be my consort?"
"Nah. Sorta been wanting you since we met."
"Why, because you saw me near naked?" Iris asked, an amused smile on her lips. "Had you never seen a woman before?"
"That was kinda hot. But no. It's cause you fought me. That was… I dunno. But I liked it. Not so much you beating the shit out of me, I ain't like that pervert next door," Bakugo growled.
"Do not speak ill of Lalatina. Her foibles are… well, they are a private matter. And she has chosen her own consort well. Tokoyami is strong. He will give the House of Dustiness worthy heirs."
"That all we are to you? Baby tickets?" Bakugo asked, scowling at Iris.
"No. I am growing fond of you, much as that was not my intention," Iris said, reaching up to stroke the fine hair on Bakugo's chest. He was only a little older than she, physically at least. Though how old either of them actually were was anyone's guess, especially considering she'd spent ages locked away, and he'd died more than once now. "But the children are important. The line of succession must be secure. It is a ruler's duty."
Bakugo grunted. "Didn't think you'd want a bastard."
"They will not be. I spoke with Eris. She and Aqua will marry us as soon as your parents consent."
"And if my folks ain't into that?"
"Then we shall be wed regardless. I shall endeavor to respect the laws of this land, but I am a sovereign ruler. I shall do as my duty demands."
"You know, you never fucking asked me if I did want to get hitched," Bakugo muttered.
That made Iris giggle. "I did not have to. You became quite enthusiastic after our bout. We barely made it back here in time, and I am rather certain we broke several laws in our method of travel."
"Yeah, well, I mean, it was a good fight," Bakugo admitted. His eyes suddenly narrowed. "Hey. You didn't let me win, did you?"
"As if I would ever do such a thing. No, I am simply not well skilled at fighting without my abilities. But as the Demiurge showed me, that is a weakness I cannot afford. You took the bout fairly."
"Good. Don't want you to think I like it if you roll over and go easy on me," Bakugo growled.
"And what do you like?" Iris purred, a wicked smile on her lips.
Bakugo grinned back, his red eyes glowing, and a few pops sounded from his fingers, searing Iris' skin. She didn't mind. It just made things more interesting. Besides, it would be good for both of them to toughen up.
Deep in the forest of Aokigahara, there was a sudden discharge of energy, and a hole into nothingness appeared. From it streamed dozens of figures in civilian clothes. Some were human, others lizard folk, goblins, orks, and other monstrous humanoids. The first few ran off, establishing a perimeter around the clearing where the portal had appeared. Others formed neat and orderly ranks, stiffening to attention.
At the end of line came two creatures that appeared to be young children with mismatched eyes and long ears, followed by two women, one short and blonde, the other tall and brunette. At the appearance of these last two, the ranks saluted crisply, hand to brow in the Imperial fashion.
"At ease," the Godslayer said, and the gottjager relaxed to parade rest as Tanya von Degurachaff paced their ranks. "You know why we are here. We seek the Goddess Aqua, and her allies, along with the children who attend this 'UA.' You are to be scattered throughout this world. Generals Fiore will take you there. Gather information, and locate potential recruits. We are operating from the assumption that this is a 'Earth' style planet, as we have encountered frequently before. Initial probes show that its geography matches this profile."
"For now, your rules of engagement are simple: avoid detection, avoid notice, and kill only if necessary. Your magic is to be referred to as a 'quirk.' If you locate Aqua or UA, report back immediately. You have been issued telecommunications devices for such a purpose. Any questions?"
There were of course none, and Tanya nodded. "Officers, fall out by squads. Let's make this world howl."
Authors Note
Season 2 is drawing to a close, which means it's time for another Interlude! Poll options are Re:Zero, Overlord, Shield Hero, and Cautious Hero.
Last edited by a moderator: Oct 30, 2020
Chapter 36: Putting the Band Back TogetherBeta'd and Edited by The Grand Cogitator
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Chapter 36: Putting the Band Back Together
Izuku: It's 500 kilometers to Osaka, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of poke, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Kazuma: Hit it!
-The Isekaitus Brothers
"The first meeting of the Axis Church in Japan is now in session!" Aqua declared, and banged her gavel on the table.
Izuku put down his bag of chocolate flavored Doritos and sighed. He along with the rest of 1A were gathered in a corner of the lunch room, where Aqua had apparently decided she was holding court today. It had been two weeks since he'd come back to Japan, and things were settling down a bit. Well, at least as much as they could with a mercurial former goddess and a bunch of aliens. "Aqua, we agreed to eat with you, but I thought you wanted to talk about our quiz on Wednesday. Have you ever done any of the homework?"
"Huh? No, it's dumb, I don't like it," Aqua said.
"You're gonna fail~" Uraraka said in a singsong tone.
"Who cares, school is dumb and boring! I only come because it's lonely at home by myself," Aqua sniffed. Izuku saw Darkness roll her eyes, and had a pretty good idea other motivators were involved. "But this is serious! We need to start on our recruitment efforts! So far, only you guys and All Might have converted to the Axis Faith!"
"Aqua, why am I here?" Eris sighed. "I had my own cult."
"Well, because you're just sitting around like a couch potato, playing video games and doing nothing!" Aqua argued.
Eris groaned and pinched her nose in exasperation. "Only when you're over. Otherwise I'm actually studying so I can pass our classes. If you recall, I had decent grades when we were at that other school, and I'm not going to let them slip now."
"Well, then consider this a challenge to my junior!" Aqua proclaimed. "You can get your own church off the ground, Eris, I believe in you!"
"What's the point? I was a mortal before. I sort of like being one again. Maybe I'll find a cute boy and settle down with him," Eris said, folding her arms over her chest.
"Ooo, that's tough, the only boys in our class that are single are Iida and Kaminari," Ashido said, rubbing her chin. "Who do you like better?"
"That's not the point!" Aqua growled. "Kazuma, you explain this!"
"Look, it's simple. We all know that Ainz and-MMPH!"
Both Eris and Aqua had leapt on top of Kazuma, putting their hands over his mouth.
"Are you dumb?!" Aqua hissed. "Don't say his name! He could hear you!"
"Especially since he might not even know where this world is," Eris added. "So, kindly, say 'The Lord of the Tomb."
"But you said his name before," Kazuma accused, his voice rather muffled.
That made Aqua flush and jerk back as Eris glared at her. "Stick to the point!"
"Right, look. We all know that 'The Lord of the Tomb' and his flunkies are still out there. And, for some reason, Iris is still dead set on going back to Belzerg and confronting him. So, Aqua and I came up with a plan: We have to turn her back into a real goddess. You too, Eris."
"That's dumb," Bakugo muttered, popping a bite into his mouth. "You can't just turn someone into a goddess."
"Actually, you totally can!" Aqua said eagerly. "You just need enough worshipers, and a connection to the divine realm to sponsor you! I bet if I get enough worshipers here, the Chief will let me be a goddess again! Plus, I can totally still do most of my miracles with my quirk, even if it does tire me out."
"That does seem a viable plan," Iris said slowly, frowning. "But, why Aqua? Eris was the more popular goddess."
Aqua jumped up and looked like she was ready to strangle Iris, until Eris pulled her back down. "Well, Aqua's stronger against the undead. As a water and healing goddess, her powers are extra effective against the Great Tomb. I am, or, um, was, a Goddess of Fortune. I can help in a fight, and I can banish undead, but I'm just not as good as Aqua. Plus… well, I was already mortal once. This isn't as big a deal to me."
"And also Aqua will whine about it if Eris becomes a goddess again before her," Kazuma pointed out.
"That's nice and all, but how exactly are we supposed to start a religion?" Izuku asked. "It's not like people here will be all that impressed with a little bit of healing. There are plenty of similar quirks, even if Aqua's is stronger."
"About that. I actually looked it up," Kazuma said, holding up a copy of A Guide to Your Divinity. Where he had gotten one, Izuku didn't know, but he had a feeling he didn't want to ask. "You see, it just says that mortals have to offer offerings and devotion to their chosen god or goddess. So we're going to make Aqua into an idol singer."
Izuku blinked. "Come again?"
"Oh my God," Uraraka groaned, and rested her head in her hands.
"Goddess, actually," Aqua corrected. "But I think it's a super neat idea! I like the idea of being an idol!"
"Can you even sing?" Tokoyami asked, sounding completely incredulous.
"Duh," Aqua said, rolling her eyes. "I'm a great singer!"
"Yeah I have no idea," Kazuma admitted. "But I mean, that's not the important part, we can have her lip synch or something. She's a cute girl with a rockin' bod! That's all you really need to be an idol singer. The dancing and singing can come later."
"But I can sing!" Aqua protested. Everyone else, however, ignored her.
"I seriously doubt that will be enough," Izuku said with a sigh. "Idol singers really aren't that popular unless they're pro heroes too, and Aqua's a long way from that. Plus, what would her routine be? She'd need to be able to sing and dance well, and we'd need back-up singers and dancers, a band… I mean, I know Katsuki can play the drums, what about everyone else?"
"I can sing and dance!" Aqua wailed.
"I play guitar, I believe Kaminari does as well," Tokoyami offered. "Perhaps he would be interested. Though I don't know how much that will help unless we get Aqua some singing and dancing lessons."
"Alright, that's enough!" Aqua snapped. She jumped up on the table. "I'll prove it to you! Yaoyorozu! I need an instrument!"
From her table table a short distance away, Yaorozu blinked, turning in her seat. "A guitar?"
"Yes, and a microphone," Aqua said. "These people don't believe I can sing and dance!"
"That's because you're a clumsy idiot," Tokoroki said from his place beside Yaoyorozu. Aqua swelled up, but Yaorozu pulled first an acoustic guitar, then a microphone headset from her navel and tossed them to Aqua.
"Knock yourself out. I suppose this will be amusing at least," Yaoyorozu said with a small grin.
"Hmph. What is this thing? Let me see…" Aqua played a few discordant notes on the guitar, making Izuku wince.
"Well, that rules out her playing her own instrument," Izuku sighed. "We really should-"
Aqua suddenly played a series of perfect notes, nodding to herself. "Right. Here we go!"
She then began to play a melody Izuku had never heard before, swaying in time to the beat, stepping a slow, mesmerizing dance. Somehow, it reminded Izuku of being in Royame, setting out from the village with Mei early in the morning to hunt for materials for her inventions.
Leaving in the morning, without a word to say
from my house into the world, in the light of day
I might seem courageous, but once the sun goes down
you'll find that I'm the biggest crybaby around…
As Aqua played and sang, Bakugo began to tap out a beat on the table before him. After a few moments, Yaoyorozu produced a drum kit and handed it to him, then pulled out a keyboard for herself, and began to play along with Aqua. With a grin, Ashido got up and began to dance in time to the beat below Aqua on the ground. From across the room, Jiro came over, swaying slightly to beat. Out of nowhere, she began to harmonize with Aqua on the chorus, her vocals blending perfectly with Aqua's.
Izuku could only stare in open mouthed astonishment as the lunch room fell totally silent as everyone watched Aqua perform. When she finished, Aqua grinned and bowed. "See? I can totally sing and dance!"
"Aqua," Kazuma said, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head. "Where did you learn to do THAT?"
"Learn?" Aqua blinked, tilting her head to the side as if the question baffled her. "You don't learn to sing or dance. You just do it."
"She's a muse of the arts," Eris said, her tone half reverent. "She… she still has it. That creative spark."
"That was incredible, Aqua!" Jiro cheered. "You have to write that song down for me! I love it!"
"Write it down?" Aqua wrinkled her nose. "I dunno. I just made it up."
"Oh man, I think I remember most of it. Quick, someone give me a pen and paper!" Jiro demanded.
Izuku dutifully passed Jiro his own notebook and pencil, and she quickly scribbled down the notes and lyrics to Aqua's performance. She held it up before her, nodding. "Right. I think this is most of it? Oh man, Aqua, you have got to start a band! You'll be a huge hit!"
"I," Aqua said dramatically, putting her hand to her chest. "Am going to become an idol singer. That way, I may once more be worshiped as the goddess that I am."
Several students from the support course or the general studies course who had previously been interested now began to look at Aqua as though she had some sort of mental illness. Izuku understood the sentiment.
However, the reaction from the Hero Course students was rather different.
"Are you really a goddess?" Mineta asked suspiciously. "You just look like a regular chick."
Aqua tossed her hair over her shoulder and gave the small purple boy a grin. "Well, you might not believe it, but though I am now a mortal, I was once Aqua, Goddess of Water of Healing, and leader of the Axis Church. I seek to reclaim my position, that I might once more lead the forces of good to triumph over the Lord of the Tomb!"
"Oh good grief," one of the general studies students said. "She's a chunni lunatic."
"DON'T YOU DARE DISRESPECT MY CULTURE!" Megumin roared jumping up on the table next to Aqua. "I was a goddess too you know! I still have access to my dark powers! Beware, or I shall reign Explosions down on you once more!"
Mineta seemed to consider this, then turned to Subaru. "I dunno. What do you think, man? She legit?"
"You know, I actually think she is," Subaru said, rubbing his chin. "I… I can almost remember her being a goddess, and opposing the Lord of the Tomb sounds right for her… I… maybe I remember him being afraid of her? I'm just not sure…"
"Duh, don't you remember Subaru?" Aqua demanded, hopping down as the buzz of conversation in the lunchroom resumed. "You were totally in class with us! You were there with Emilia and the others! You saw me fight Ainz, you know I can win!"
"I was? I do?" Subaru asked, frowning. "I can't remember…"
"So, what, we have to sign up to worship you or something?" Mineta asked.
Aqua grinned, reaching into her bosom and somehow pulling out a parchment and pen. "Yep! Just sign up here, and you'll be members of the Axis Church! You get a free, what did you call it, Kazuma?"
"Free Aqua nendoroid with each sign up," Kazuma said, coming over and putting a sealed cardboard box about 12 cm tall on the table by Mineta. "Wiz ordered them for us."
Minteta picked up the box, examining it. "Super cute doll of the Water Goddess, Aqua. Comes with one of 12 facial expressions and unique poses. Collect them all." Mineta studied the box, then shrugged. "What the hell. I've done worse." He scrawled his name on the parchment, which vanished into blue sparkles the moment he finished.
"Perfect! Welcome to the Axis Cult!" Aqua cheered. "What about the rest of you?"
"Will it help us fight the Lord of the Tomb?" Emilia asked.
"Yep! If I get my goddess powers back, I'll be super strong against dumb old boney and his stupid minions," Aqua promised.
That news got the rest of the Hero Course students to quickly line up to sign up for Aqua's church, even Naofumi.
"I'm loath to pledge myself to a so-called goddess, but I admire your capitalistic spirit," the other boy said, examining the nendoroid box he was given. "I take it you have to purchase the rest?"
"You get one free one for every five recruits you sign up!" Eris informed him. "Extras are only ¥5,000 each!"
"What, no, we we're giving those away," Aqua said. "I want my followers to worship me."
Eris rolled her eyes. "Aqua, you have to create scarcity to make yourself more desirable. If you just give them away, what's the point? Sure, you give them the first one free, but what if their friend has a cooler one? They'll want to get more, but it's random! They can trade or sell their extras, and we'll make sure some are rarer and more valuable than others. Plus, we'll have special editions, limited run ones that are golden, all kinds of stuff!"
"Now that is a properly capitalistic religion," Naofumi agreed. He gestured to his companions from Class 1C. "We'll all sign up."
"Midoriya, what Aqua nendoroid did you get?" Mineta asked, holding up his. "Mine's crying Aqua. She's pretty cute, but I like Nature's Beauty Aqua better."
"Er, I didn't check which one," Izuku admitted. 'Um, Mei, what did we get again?"
"Huh? I don't care, they're dumb," Mei said, looking up from Izuku's gauntlet which she'd been tinkering with. "Mineta can have mine."
"Here, I'm not really interested either," Izuku said. "You're, er, not going to do anything weird with them, right?"
"Please. I've grown past that," Mineta sniffed. "Besides, I have a girlfriend. Hey Felt, here, I got some extras, which one do you want?"
Mineta walked over to Felt, who giggled and took one of the extras, but didn't open it. "Save them, Mineta! Subaru says unopened original run nendoroids are always worth more on the secondary market!"
Things were just starting to get out of hand when All Might walked in. "Midoriya, just what is going on here?"
"All Might!" Aqua cried. She ran up, holding up a wrapped package. "I got something special for you, since you were my first follower in this world!"
"Um, Aqua's starting a religion, I think," Izuku explained. "She's, er, going to be an idol singer."
"Come again?" All Might said, taking the package from Aqua and blinking.
Mei walked over, giving Aqua a skeptical look. "I think she wants all her goddess powers back, so she's doing the same thing she did in Royaume. I think it could work, it did last time. I suppose this means we have to make Megumin a goddess again too."
"Absolutely not!" Megumin declared. "I like having sex too much!"
"I really didn't need to know that," All Might groaned as he opened the package. The contents turned out to be a shirt, which had a picture of Aqua on it, with the caption '#1 ONE AXIS FAN.' "Er, thank you, Aqua, but-"
"Wiz made it!" Aqua said excitedly. "Put it on, All Might! Come on, I want to make sure it fits! We had to get the extra super huge size, since you're just so tall and muscled."
All Might looked embarrassed, but Aqua seemed so happy and hopeful, he obliged, slipping the shirt over his head and blushing slightly.
"It's perfect!" Aqua cheered. "If you wear it, I just know I'll get loads of followers!"
"Woah, wait, All Might's joining this chick's religion?" a support course student that was walking by asked. "Dude, sign me up for that!"
"Of course!" Aqua agreed, producing yet another parchment. "Just sign right here, then get your nendoroid from Eris or Kazuma!" The student quickly signed, then hurried over to get their merch.
"Midoriya, do you think this is a good idea?" All Might whispered. "I mean… Aqua seems like a sweet girl, but having her running around as a literal goddess again…"
"Kazuma seems to think this is the best way to beat the Lord of the Tomb," Izuku sighed. "So, I mean, I guess?"
"Very well," All Might sighed. "I agree to er, help you promote your religion, Aqua. But only if you agree to offer your healings to those who need them freely."
"What?! Of COURSE healing is free! It is a Blessing, to be given to those in need!" Aqua proclaimed.
Eris sighed. "Sure I can't get you to change your views on that, Aqua? It really would be a great revenue stream…"
"No! Healings are free, and that's final! Next you're going to tell me you were going to charge people for my songs and stuff!"
"Um, that's sort of the point of being an idol singer, Aqua," Kazuma pointed out.
The look of horror on Aqua's face was comical. "What!? You can't charge people for art! No one owns art, it's an expression of beauty and creativity! Music was created by the gods to bring joy! Charging money for it… that's just, it's just… Midoriya, what's the word I'm looking for?!"
"Um, practicable?" Izuku offered.
Mei shook her head. "No, she doesn't think it's good. Horrible? Mean?"
"Yes! It is horribly mean!" Aqua huffed. "Everyone should get to enjoy my songs, no matter who they are! Now, if they want to make an offering or donation to the Axis Church, that's different."
"What if every song comes free with a one hundred yen donation?" Uraraka suggested.
"No, that is paying for it. You can't trick me! Art is free, and that's final!" Aqua declared.
"Well, it'll make you popular, if nothing else," Kazuma sighed.
Izuku shook his head. "Mei, let's just go to the workshop, we've still got 20 minutes until lunch is over."
"Great! I've come up with a new super cute baby for when we fight bad guys! I want you to help me test it out!" Mei agreed, and the two of them left the lunchroom, where even the reluctants in the general course were lining up to join the Axis church. It was starting again.
Helping Mei in the workshop was actually rather fun, and reminded Izuku of their time in Royaume when he'd helped her at the forge there. Here, however, Mei was working on far more advanced concepts, and her latest invention turned out to be a suit of powered armor.
"This is pretty neat, Mei, but I don't think it will be more useful than the suit you already made for me," Izuku said, examining the blue prints.
"That's because it's not for you, silly, it's for me! That way, I can still move around after I use my Explosion. Plus, this way I'll be able to help more," Mei explained.
"That's a great idea!" Izuku agreed. "What can I do?"
"There's a list of parts I need machined, you're pretty good at that, and there might be time to finish a couple," Mei said, giving Izuku a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks! I think our babies will be even cuter than the ones I make on my own."
"So long as you're both talking about contraptions and not the other kind," a voice growled, and Izuku blushed and turned to see Power Loader grimacing at them. "I warned you, Hatsume, I-"
"Yes, yes, Mr. Maijima, no explosions, I remember," Mei said dismissively. "Megumin is not here so we should be fine."
"Why they put you in the hero course I'll never know," Maijima muttered, shaking his head as he walked over to examine what Izuku was working on. "Hmph. Maybe you should be in my class too, Midoriya."
"Er, does he know?" Izuku asked, glancing at Mei.
"What, about the time travel and the various aliens and gods running around campus? Oh, I know," Maijima said with a sigh.
"Speaking of which," Izuku said, remembering his promise to help Aqua. "how would you feel about converting to the Axis church?"
"You try that on me and I'm kicking you both out for good. God damn. No wonder Aizawa's smoking again…" Power Loader muttered and stalked away.
Izuku blushed, but Mei smiled at him. "It is good you are trying to help Aqua. She has been very sad having to be human."
"Yeah, well, I figure if I have to join her wacky religion, at least my misery can have company," Izuku said, though he was at least half joking. It was sort of comforting, being friends with god. Even if she was Aqua.
"I have located the target, Gelb. Shall I proceed?"
There was no hesitation from the other side of the communicator. "No. Proceed, Braun. He is the best recruit we have found so far."
"Ja, at one," Kommandantin Viktoriya Ivanova Serebryakov agreed, and clicked off the device. It was known as a "cell phone" and was similar to the things she had used, long ago, when she had once been a mortal human serving in the Empire's army. The technology here was far more advanced than what she was used to, but she was adaptable. You had to be, after two centuries of combat.
Tucking the phone away in her purse, she walked quickly down the alley way, the padded heels of her boots nearly silent on the pavement, even without the use of a spell. She followed the scent of blood and death, knowing what she would find.
She turned a corner as a woman breathed her last, slumped in a pool of her own blood. The scent of excrement filled the air, but Visha did not wrinkle her nose. It was a familiar scent. She did not care about the killed, but rather, the killer.
The man who had just delivered the coupe de grace spun, raising his swords with a snarl. "You have stumbled upon that which you should not have."
"Nein, that is, no, I know where I am," Visha said, keeping her distance. Though he was but a mortal man, this human could disable her with a blow unless she very much missed her guess. These quirks were dangerous, even to one such as her. Still, one did not go hunting gods without learning both precaution and how to evaluate a threat. And Stain the Herokiller was a dangerous man.
"Who are you, some hero hopeful, out for glory?" Stain hissed, slowly circling towards Visha.
"That is far enough, Herr Stain," Visha said calmly, showing him the pistol she had drawn as she entered the alley. It was a variant of the mauser she was familiar with, though enhanced in the forges of Nazarick. Visha had killed two gods with such a weapon. Stain would not be so hard, so long as she was cautious. "I wish to talk."
Stain eyed the pistol and stopped his forward progress, but he shifted from side to side, clearly ready to lunge. He was close enough to be dangerous, but Visha was prepared. If he attacked, he would die. "Who are you?"
"You may call me Frau Braun. I wished to inquire, what is it you seek, Hero Killer?"
"To reform society. Are you one of those fools who wishes to become my disciple? This is a path I walk alone," Stain growled.
"Nein. I only wonder, do you know of the Tyranny of Gods, Hero Killer?" Visha asked.
Stain jerked back, clearly not having expected that line of inquiry. "Gods? There are no such things. Superstition, and nonsense."
"If only this were true," Visha said grimly. "The gods are quite real, Herr Stain. And they have taken an interest in this world. Soon, they shall seek to enslave it. Even now, they have infiltrated your society, and have begun to corrupt it."
"Society is already corrupt, we do not need to blame figments from mankind's past for it. Now, step aside, or I shall be forced to remove you," Stain hissed, tensing and raising his swords.
"And do you not wonder about the change in behavior of your idol, All Might?" Visha asked. The sudden shock on Stain's face told her she had scored a hit there.
"… what do you know?" Stain growled.
"A moment," Visha said, turning sideways. A man in a strange outfit with pipes like those on an automobile dashed around the corner.
"You! Hero Killer! At least, you shall be brought to justice! I am the Hero Ingenium, and-"
Visha calmly raised her mauser and shot the man between the eyes. He'd had his eyes on Stain, not her. A foolish move.
"Tsk. This place is getting crowded, Herr Stain. Will you come with me? I can take us somewhere we are less likely to be interrupted," Visha said, turning back to her quarry.
"You killed him with no hesitation," Stain growled. "Did you know him to be a false hero?"
"All heroes are false if they serve the gods, and that man's brother has been inducted to the vile cult of Ristarte," Visha replied. "He needed to be purged."
Even so, Visha felt the slight pang of regret she always did when slaughtering her fellow Man. It was a faint pang though, one she barely noticed. If mankind were ever to be free, they would have to cleanse their ranks of traitors.
After all, Visha owed a debt. Even if she could never pay it, she could at least follow orders.
"You are serious about this," Stain mused, eyeing the pool of blood forming around the fallen hero. "Very well. I shall listen. Where is this place you would take me?"
"Teleportieren!" Visha cried, and she and Stain vanished and appeared in a vacant warehouse her superior had secured.
"Warping quirk," Stain growled, backing away from her and eyeing his surroundings. "Hmm. Interesting."
Visha shook her head, a small smile on her lips. "No quirk. Magic, Herr Stain. I am not from this world."
"I doubt that. You sound German, though your Japanse isn't bad," Stain said, moving to a more open part of the warehouse, his eyes shifting about as he eyed the shadows.
"Ja. Das Vaterland was like your Germany. Khotya moya rodina byla blizhe k tvoyey rossii. Ah, but I have been many things now over the centuries, over many worlds. What I am now is Gottjäger. I seek to free humanity from the yoke placed on them by the cruel gods."
"Then the rumors I heard of All Might becoming religious are true," Stain mused. "A goddess did heal him." He suddenly smiled. "Then I know my path."
Visha suppressed a sigh. She had been so hopeful. But she saw Stain's muscles tense as he prepared to charge. She didn't waste time. He was watching the Mauser. A foolish move. He should have been watching her.
"Gezackter Blitz," Visha barked even as Stain moved. He was fast, and good, she would give him that. He dodged her attack easily. But she was already moving, soaring into the air and firing with her mauser. He dodged her bullets as well, moving behind cover. But it was time to end this.
Visha dove in, drawing her combat knife as she did so. Stain leapt out at her. He was good, he was fast, better than most, better than nearly any mortal man.
But Visha had killed more than one immortal. She opened her mouth, and exhaled. "Flammenatem!"
Stain screamed as the flames enveloped him. He tried a slash and a feint, but Visha blocked the slash and dodged the faint, then blew a hole in Stain's chest. She landed as he lay coughing and gasping, one lung gone. She didn't hesitate. She fired again, and he shuddered, then lay still.
"Best not to let you go to waste, then," Visha said, and drew out a wand. For she now served Nazarick. And to the Great Tomb, death was no barrier to service.
She should know. It was a debt she could never pay to Tanya. So Visha fought in her superior's crusade. Tanya was far more than just her commander now. And she would do anything to create the world Tanya dreamed of.
"Rise, Herr Stain. Rise and serve. Nazarick calls."
"And I answer," Stain's corpse moaned as it shuddered back to life, the holes in the body reforming. It was not a Wand of True Resurrection, those were saved for allies. No, merely a Wand of Greater Undeath. "What is the will of the Tomb?"
"Return to your task. Find these heroes, and slay them. Recruit followers and allies, those who will become Gottjäger, who will aid us in slaying gods. But remember: it is no longer All Might you serve."
"I serve for the glory of Ainz Ooal Gown," Stain said, bowing as he spoke the name of their master.
"Alles ist gut. If you have aught to report, call for me. Dismissed."
"I hear and obey," Stain replied, and lopped off, faster and more deadly than he had been in life.
Visha allowed herself a smile. One step closer to repaying her debt. Now, to see what else Tanya needed. It was not for the glory of Ainz, Visha served. But for her oldest and closest friend.
The woman who had given everything that Visha might live again.
Chapter 37: Say Your PrayersBeta'd and Edited by The Grand Cogitator
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Three out of two Axis followers have problems with math.
-Old Erisite Joke
Say Your Prayers
Aqua's head hurt, and her head swam, her eyes unable to focus. She was in real pain, something her spells couldn't cure. She whimpered and forced down her sobs. Not even Kazuma could save her now.
"You should have studied," Uraraka muttered from behind her.
Aqua turned and glared at her friend. "I tried! But math doesn't make any sense!"
"Quiet down," Aizawa growled. "No talking during the test."
With a moan of anguish, Aqua turned back around, looking at her paper helplessly. She didn't even realize that her test wasn't like everyone elses. Her paper had what would be considered basic algebra at best on it, while everyone else had trigonometry. It didn't really matter, as to Aqua it all looked like so many squiggles on the page. The numbers floated around on the paper, and Aqua cocked her head to one side. Yes… it was making sense. She could see it now.
Happily, Aqua reached into her backpack and took out her colored pencils. She didn't notice Aizawa's raised eyebrow, she was too absorbed in her task. Yes, yes of course! It was all coming together, and the answers poured out of her as she hummed contentedly to herself, each stroke of her pencils delicate and precise. She finished, and held her paper up, grinning. It was perfect!
"Really, Aqua?" Uraraka sighed. "You're going to get in trouble again."
"Why? It's perfect! The numbers make sense now!" Aqua declared in satisfaction. She stood and skipped up to Aizawa's desk. She set the paper down atop it and smiled. "What do you think? Pretty good, huh?"
Slowly, Aizawa's jaw dropped, his eyes going wide. A tear sprang into his eye, and he sniffed and had to wipe it away. Aqua giggled. It was a really good one!
On Aqua's paper was a drawing of the Aurora Borealis, the waves of light playing across the patterns the numbers had told her about. Or at least, the patterns the numbers had inspired in her head. She had changed some of the colors from what the numbers were if she thought it would work better that way. And she'd added a picture of herself and Eris sitting below the Aurora, smiling and chatting as they shared a mug of hot chocolate. It was a trip they'd taken back when Aqua had first recruited the Junior Goddess, and they'd visited the Northern Lights of Belzerg to celebrate.
"This is…" Aizawa said, then he shook his head and blinked. The awe and wonder vanished, replaced by anger and irritation. "Totally worthless! This has nothing to do with the test you were given!"
"What? Of course it does! See, all the numbers on the paper are colors! And they weave together in the sky! Plus, the letters remind me of Eris, because she's really good at writing scripture and stuff! I always found that boring. Also, she's good at math too, because she likes money, so I included her!" Aqua explained. "Don't you think it's pretty good?"
"You were given a math test, Aqua. You turned in drawing," Aizawa said, carefully taking the paper and tucking it away in a page protector before storing that in a binder. "You fail."
"What!? But don't you like the drawing!? I can do another one! Or, I have some clay! I could do a sculpture too," Aqua offered. "It would even be a nice one this time, since you're such an amazing teacher."
"No. There will be consequence of this, mark me, we-"
The door burst open and a gasping Iida hurried in, tears streaming down his face. He'd been called out earlier, but Aqua hadn't really paid much attention since he was one of Rista's and not her's. "Aqua, are you truly a goddess?!"
"Huh? Well, I mean, not really, anymore," Aqua said, looking down and trying hard not to feel sad. It had been a few days since she started up her Idol Cult, but she still had to pee. It was OK, she had her friends, and that was what mattered.
Iida grabbed her hands, his voice raw with emotion. "But, you still have your powers, right?"
"Um, yeah, mostly," Aqua agreed, frowning. She reached out, wiping the tears from Iida's face. "What's wrong? You left so fast earlier."
"My brother. He's dead. The hero killer killed him, and Uwabami. He… he didn't die before. It's my fault! Please, you have to help me!" Iida pleaded, snot and tears coating his face. "I'll convert to your faith, I'll do whatever you want me to, just please, you have to-"
"Iida," Aqua said gently, taking his arm and lifting him to his feet. "You're my friend. If I can help, I will. I promise. Where is he?"
"Tensei, he… he died in Hosu, I-"
"Midoriya!" Aqua called, turning around to find her champion on his feet. "You know where that is?"
"I can get the address from Tenya. You need me to take you?" Midoriya asked.
"Yes, let's go! Sorry, Mr. Aizawa, you can fail me later! I have a job to do," Aqua declared, and ran out of the room with Midoriya.
"Jump on, it'll be faster!" Midoriya ordered, and Aqua leapt onto his back, wrapping her arms and legs about him, a wide grin on her face. She was going to be a goddess again!
While he was technically breaking the law, Izuku didn't really care. Iida was a good friend, and Ingenium was a great hero. If they could save him, they had to do it. He jumped from rooftop to rooftop, the wind whipping in his face as Aqua clung to him. He navigated using his phone, taking the most direct route to Hosu. It only took twenty minutes, but felt like an eternity. If he hadn't had Aqua to heal him and bless him, it would have taken much longer. But with her around, he could essentially go forever.
It wasn't hard to spot the ambulances, police cars, and news vans. Izuku jumped right into the middle of it all, causing an outcry from the police.
"A couple of students!? What are you doing here?!" a police sergeant demanded.
"I am the Goddess, Aqua. I am here to aid these poor fallen heroes," Aqua proclaimed.
"Goddess? What nonsense is-"
"Is this him?" Aqua demanded, pushing her way through the EMT's to the two body bags.
"Girl, get out of here! This is a crime scene!" another officer barked.
"No. Let them through."
Izuku turned to see Sir Nighteye standing there, watching Izuku and Aqua.
"What? But they're students! I don't care who the girl says she is, we-"
"I insist," Sir Nighteye said gravely. "I have foreseen this."
Slowly, the cops backed away, letting Aqua unzip the two body bags. Izuku felt sick to see them, but it was what he expected.
"Taken before your time," Aqua said quietly, stroking the cheeks of Uwabami and Tensei Iida. "The threads of your fate have been cut by an alien force. This isn't right."
"What is she doing?" a reporter demanded.
Aqua turned to Izuku. "Midoriya, I need you to pray. I don't know if my reserves are enough for a double resurrection. And… and I'm going to have to interface with the local deity. This might take a while."
"Right. I'll text the others and let them know. Would an offering help?" Izuku asked.
Aqua nodded. "Yes, thank you." She turned back, resting her hands on the fallen heroes heads, and began to chant under her breath.
"Alcohol!" Izuku cried, turning to the people around him. "Does anyone have alcohol?"
"Er, I've got some bottles of beer," a passerby said, lifting a bag from a convenience store.
"Perfect, thanks," Izuku said, taking the bag. He took out the bottles and hurried over, placing them by Aqua. She reached out and touched them, and they vanished in blue sparks. Izuku began to pray, hard. For Tensei, and Tenya, and for Aqua. He'd not really done that before, but somehow, it felt right.
"The hell kinda a quirk is that?" someone muttered.
"Oh!" Aqua suddenly gasped. "I- yes, this is an emergency!" Her eyes were blank, and she seemed to be looking at nothing. "King Kai? Um, no, I've never heard of you. But listen, my friend's brother, and a hero have fallen. I need your permission to return them to life. Yes, I can cast the spell. Ok. Great! Thanks!"
Aqua suddenly stood, raising her hand, and her staff appeared in it. She twirled it once, then pointed it at the two dead heroes. "In the name of the Goddess, Aqua, I call thee back to life! Resurrection!"
There was a stir of mutters through the crowd, and Izuku tensed.
And then Tensei Iida sat up, groaning and rubbing his head. "What… what just happened? I… where am I?"
"The Hero Killer!" Uwabami gasped, jerking upright. "I… what? Where…"
Beldem erupted around them. Some people were screaming in panic, others bellowing in astonishment. Aqua didn't seem to notice, as she wavered on her feet. Izuku hurried to her side, catching her as she fell.
"Sorry. Didn't… Didn't have enough prayers for that," Aqua mumbled. "Sleepy now. G'night."
"Who is that girl?" the sergeant from before demanded, his eyes wide as Izuku picked up Aqua, cradling her snoring body in his arms. She felt surprisingly light now, as if something had gone out of her.
"She is the goddess, Aqua," Izuku said simply.
"That can't be! A goddess? But-"
"I'm sorry, we have to get back to class," Izuku said. "If you'll excuse me."
Everyone took half a step back from Izuku, and he launched himself into the sky. He wondered just how much trouble he was going to be in.
If he was being honest with himself, All Might hated meetings. He'd hated them ever since he was young. He'd always wanted to be out in the world, DOING something. Usually, that was helping people. Not even hero work necessarily, All Might would stop to help fix a kid's bike or help an old woman carry her groceries home if he had the time. Honestly some of the fondest memories he had were back when he'd been a no-namer in the United States, just helping his local community with everything from blood drives to lost puppies.
When he wasn't helping others, All Might did have two hobbies. One was working out. He'd been religious about it his entire life, always honing his body. He enjoyed the feel of it, plain and simple. To push himself to his limits and try to go beyond them was a thrilling feeling. The other was martial arts training.
Actually, when he bothered to consider it, All Might didn't really have any hobbies. No time for it when you were training to become the best and defeat the world's greatest villain, and no time for fun when you were at the top. Someone always needed help. It was exhausting though. Even after Aqua's healing, All Might was wearing down. How much longer could he keep this up? He didn't know, but he was game to find out. At least he could relax when he visited Wiz. She was always happy to help him. No one else ever really offered.
Though just because he was wearing down did not mean he was enjoying meetings any more than he always had, which was to say, not at all. There was a long list of things All Might enjoyed more than sitting down and talking about something instead of doing something about it, and unclogging toilets was only about halfway down.
"Look," All Might said, after the Prime Minister finally wound down in his long speech. "You know my opinion. She really is a goddess. I know some of us here didn't believe it at first, but she's literally raised two people from the dead now. I hardly think there's any further room for doubt."
"That's impossible," Endeavor growled. Why was he here again? Oh, right, All Might had been planning on retiring. Maybe he should still do that. Young Midoriya was coming along nicely. But there was the threat of this Lord of the Tomb. Maybe after that. Who knew? All Might might find a hobby after all. "There is no god, and it's certainly not a ditzy highschooler."
The debate started back up, and All Might reached into his pocket and pulled out some of the snacks Wiz had given him. A remarkable woman, truly a pioneer in the arena of junk food. Normally All Might wasn't much of one for empty calories, but this spinach flavored soda was amazing, plus it was fortified with iron. Since Wiz was the only one who sold it, that gave him an excuse to visit her and her charming little shop more often.
"Putting aside all that," All Might said once everyone had gotten in their two cents, which only took another forty minutes of valuable time, "The debate as to whether or not she really is a goddess can be considered moot for now: The real question is what do we do right now? Do we let her remain as a student at UA, or are we going to try something else?"
"We've got to keep her occupied. Nezu, that's your department," the Prime Minister said. "How was it that she found time in the middle of the school day to just wander off to perform miracles?"
"As you know, Tensei Iida was one of the raised heroes. His brother is a classmate of Aqua's. It seems he asked her to intervene, and she tapped another of her classmates to transport her," Nezu explained. "We're punishing them both for departing in the middle of the school day, of course."
That "Punishment" consisted of a very minor public slap on the wrist in the form of a detention with All Might, something both Midoriya and Aqua seemed to enjoy, and quite a bit of private congratulations.
"Well, good, public use of quirks like that is still forbidden," The Prime Minister blustered. "Perhaps we should take more extreme measures."
"I will remind you that the doom I foresee is still rapidly approaching," Sir Nighteye put in. "Everyone who's future I read for more than a few weeks ahead is either dead or goes through hell. Except for those who have come into contact with Aqua."
That brought silence to the table for a time. All Might even had to stop munching on his lychee and peppermint flavored jerky. It really was amazing how the flavors contrasted. He'd have to stop by Wiz's store to buy more. Plus, then they could talk and have some tea. That was always relaxing.
"Then you still say this 'Lord of the Tomb' is real?" the Prime Minister demanded.
"Very real. I have even seen him, I think," Sir Nighteye said quietly. "A skeletal monstrosity, wielding powers greater than even All For One. He must be stopped, and Aqua is our best bet."
"Should we encourage her religion?" someone asked.
"No," the Prime Minster said. "That's something that could disrupt our fragile society. State Religion hasn't been a major part of Japanese culture in centuries. Reintroducing it now could have large scale ramifications we can't even begin to comprehend. Keep it suppressed."
All Might sighed, but nodded his agreement, his hand unconsciously going to the Waterwheel icon he now wore around his neck. Personally, he had faith in Aqua. Even if no one else did.
That was not, of course, the case. There were quite a few new Axis Converts that day, as the faith spread from UA to those who had witnessed Aqua's Second Miracle, as it would later become known. Not everyone who had seen Aqua raise Ingenium and Uwabami believed. But a few did. They told others, and won more converts.
They, however, weren't the most important converts. Not the heroes, nor doctors, nor police, not even the reporters or other adults. None of them would become Aqua's most devoted and influential new follower.
No, the newest convert to The Axis faith, and by far the most important, believed because someone brought her a toy. Eris had been selling the nendoroids from Wiz's store, and a shady customer had rushed in that afternoon and bought several, saying he just needed "something a little girl would like." He'd run off, the nendoroids in a bag, and hurried back to his charge, who was living underground.
"Look, Eri, see? Toys! You like toys, right? All kids do," the man said, shoving the nendoroids at the weeping child. "Now just stop crying before the boss sees!"
Eri had in fact stopped blubbering, and opened up the nendoroids. She smiled to see them, and nodded. "Ok. I… I'll be good."
"Great, super. Now don't go anywhere, OK? They're coming for you soon and you'd better behave, or I'm throwing the toys away!" the man threatened.
Eri had flinched, but when they'd come to take her to the Awful Place and put the needles in her arm, she'd tried to be good.
"You're behaving well today, Eri," daddy had said as he scratched at his mask. He wasn't Eri's real daddy. Her real daddy was gone. Her new one was scary. They called him Overhaul. Eri just wished she could have mommy back.
"Yes, daddy," Eri had whimpered as they unhooked her from the machines that hurt her.
"Good work. Nice to see someone knows how to do their job," daddy had told the man who had given Eri her toys.
"T-thanks, boss. Um, I'll make sure she's ready when you need her again."
"You had best. I will be… disappointed… otherwise," daddy had said. But he'd kept his gloves on, so there was no blood.
Eri was taken back to her room, where she lay on her bed, in pain and exhausted. She'd picked up one of her toys, and clutched it close.
"I am Aqua!" the toy had said.
"Hi, Aqua," Eri whispered. "You look pretty."
"No matter who you are, be you lolicon, or NEET, or something else, know that I, Aqua, love you!"
"T-thank you, Aqua," Eri sniffed, nestling the toy against her cheek. She was half delirious, but even having this toy say it loved her made Eri feel a little better. No one had said that in a very long time.
"Pray to the Goddess, and Aqua shall hear!"
"Really?" Eri asked.
"I am Aqua!"
"I suppose. I pray… I pray that I don't have to hurt any more, Aqua," Eri whispered. "I pray that I could have mommy back. And a real daddy. I just… I want someone to love me, Aqua. As much as I love you."
And then Eri had gotten up, and poured her Aqua doll some juice, and served it in a little plastic tea cup, and told it all her hopes, and fears, and dreams. It was a real prayer, a child's prayer. A wish for something more, a cry for help.
And not far away, lying in a tangle of bedsheets, the goddess stirred. Her blue eyes opened very, very wide.
Someone had just given her prayers and offerings.
And they needed her help.
Chapter 38: Must ProteccBeta'd by The Grand Cogitator
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Chapter 38: Must Protecc
"I've only known Eri for five minutes, but if anything where to happen to her I would kill everyone else in the room, and then Kazuma."
-Aqua on her newest follower.
"Kazuma, Kazuma!"
Stifling a groan, Kazuma sat up in bed. "Yeah, that's my name," he yawned.
"Kazuma, Kazuma, open up! I need your help!" Aqua's muffled voice demanded.
Next to him, Megumin moaned and covered her head with a pillow. "It's 1 o'clock in the morning. What can she possibly want right now?"
"Maybe she's just had her first period," Kazuma joked. Then he froze. "Um, if she is-"
With a snarl Megumin got out of bed and stalked to the door, throwing on one of Kazuma's shirts. She slammed the door open and glared out at Aqua, who was looking frantic. "What? Did you start bleeding? Down there?"
"What? No! I need help! One of my followers is in trouble!" Aqua pleaded. She looked rather distraught, her hair a messy halo around her head, and her blue eyes shining with tears. It would have been more worrying if Aqua hadn't spent a good portion of her day a week ago crying because Kazuma had borrowed and then broken her favorite pencil.
Behind Aqua, Darkness opened her own door. She was dressed in a nightgown and holding her sword. "What is it?"
"Aqua says one of her followers is in trouble," Kazuma sighed. "Just go back to sleep."
"Oh. Well, I shall not interfere in the affairs of the Axis Church," Darkness agreed, and closed her door after dismissing her sword.
"You have to help!" Aqua begged, grabbing Kazuma's arm even before he finished putting on his pants. "She needs me!"
"Who needs you, Aqua?" Kazuma asked, pulling on his shoes and trying not to be too irritated with her. He understood night terrors and early morning fear all too well.
"Eri does! She's hurt, and scared, and lonely!" Aqua babbled, frantically hopping about as she tugged on her jacket. "And I have to help her! She prayed to me and gave me offerings and everything!"
Kazuma looked at Megumin, who made a face and went back to their bedroom. "I'm out. It's too late for this. Or too early."
"Gee thanks," Kazuma muttered. "Right, so, what do you want me to do about it, Aqua? Some little girl got sent to bed with no supper and prayed to you. Big whoop."
"You don't understand! She's hurt really badly! And she's really scared! She needs us!" Aqua pled.
"Well what do you want me to do about it? Sheesh. We should just call the police or one of those pro heroes or something," Kazuma muttered as he buckled on his belt then pulled on a shirt.
"Help her!" Aqua said, grabbing Kazuma's arm and dragging him towards the door. "She's trapped in a dungeon! We have to rescue her!"
"Uh huh," Kazuma said, allowing himself to be pulled along. "A dungeon. Aqua, there are no dungeons here."
"Well it's underground, I can sense it! And there's all sorts of scary people around Eri," Aqua frantically explained as they descended the stairs. "We have to go help her, now!"
"Help who?"
Kazuma stopped and turned to see Wiz peeking out of her shop's door. "What are you doing up so late, Wiz?"
"Um, I don't sleep," Wiz said, coming outside and closing the door behind her gently. "You know that."
Wincing, Kazuma nodded, wondering what else Wiz didn't do. "Oh. Right. Sorry."
Aqua glared at Wiz, her old animosity for the undead not forgotten. "We don't need your help, lich! This little girl is scared and hurt, she doesn't need help from a monster!"
Those words made Wiz jerk back, and her eyes glimmered with tears. "I… I'm sorry. But… but if I can help a little girl… I do remember what it was, to be human. I wish… I wish I could be so again."
"What? Your bargain with Eris?" Aqua demanded. She tapped her foot, frowning. "Well, OK. If you help save my follower, I promise to help Eris resurrect you."
"You mean it?" Wiz gasped. "I… I could be human again?"
"Well, not right away. It would take a lot of prayers and offerings and Eris would have to actually become a goddess again. The ritual of True Resurrection can't be done by just one goddess," Aqua explained. "Come on, they said they'll meet us."
"Who will meet us?" Kazuma asked as they walked out to the street. He still wasn't really sure what was going on, or what Aqua was planning.
"Duh, my champions," Aqua explained, pointing out into the night.
Kazuma looked up in time to see two shapes, one green, one yellow, blur through the dark sky and come to a landing in the street just outside the apartment building.
"We came as soon as we could," Midoriya panted, standing and looking around worriedly. "Aqua, what's wrong?"
"One of my followers, Eri, is in big trouble! She's hurt and needs my help! Please, you both have to help me rescue her!" Aqua pleaded, taking the hand of the large hero and gazing up into his eyes. "You'll do it, right All Might?"
"What? Aqua, the message you sent to me said someone was in grave danger. I thought there was an attack on the students here," All Might rumbled. Kazuma swallowed and had to force himself to stand firm. In the darkness, All Might's eyes seemed to have an eerie sinister blue glow, and his face looked like it was carved from granite. When had their teacher gotten so scary?
"She is in grave danger! She's a little girl and they're hurting her!" Aqua wailed. "She gets hurt everyday and her own father hurts her and she's really scared of him! Please, you have to rescue her, she's trapped in a dungeon!"
All Might and Midoriya exchanged looks. The green haired boy sighed. "This really sounds like more of a job for the police if it's a domestic issue…"
"No! She's MY follower! She gave me prayers and offerings, and asked for my help! So I summoned my champions to help her! Kazuma, Midoriya, and All Might! Oh, and Wiz too, I guess."
"Look, she's not going to shut up about it until we help her. Come on, how hard can it be. We go find the little girl, calm her down. If it's bad, we call the police," Kazuma said with a shrug. "You're a Pro Hero, that makes you law enforcement or whatever, right All Might? You deal with the stuff all the time."
"Well, no, Heroes don't have the same duties as police, you would know that if you paid attention in the civics classes you're taking," All Might said. But then he sighed. "But I'd be lying if I said I was willing to turn my back on a little girl. Very well. We'll investigate. Where is she?"
"This way!" Aqua cried, and took off down the street at a top speed.
Kazuma caught up to her, but after a minute both of them were breathing hard and flushed. Midoriya, damn him, looked like he had barely broken a sweat, and All Might and Wiz of course were fine. Wiz because she was undead and had limitless stamina, and All Might because he was a freak like Midoriya.
"I'll give you a ride Aqua, here," Midoriya said, and scooped Aqua up onto his back.
"Here, Kazuma, I can help you as well," All Might said. "And you too, Miss Wiz. I can move much faster."
"Hey don't just pick me up like a bag of rice!" Kazuma complained, but All Might scooped Kazuma up in one arm, Wiz in the other.
"Oh! Um, thank you," Wiz said, blushing as All Might tucked her close to his body and ran after Midoriya and Aqua.
"Miss Wiz! You are quite cold. Are you well?" All Might asked.
"Um, yes. I'm a lich, remember?" Wiz said, glancing away from All Might. "I… I'm not alive. Not really."
"Plus, she's the Ice Witch. She can make anyone chill out," Kazuma quipped.
"Ah, I see. Forgive me. I forget you are not simply a normal young woman," All Might said, not even breathing hard as he ran faster than the cars on the street.
"She's older than both of us, and I'm over 200, pal," Kazuma muttered, folding his arms.
"I am 20!" Wiz snapped, turning to glare at Kazuma. "I am still a perfectly normal age for a woman to be single! I died when I was 20, so I shall remain 20!"
"She's been 20 for centuries," Kazuma sniggered.
"One does not argue with a lady about their age, Young Kazuma," All Might said sternly.
"Did you not listen!?" Kazuma demanded, glaring at All Might. "I'm way older than you! You should be calling me elder or something, be more respectful!"
"Two hundred years, and you haven't changed at all," Wiz sighed. "I'd have thought you'd manage to grow up a little, Kazuma."
"Well at least I'm not a virgin NEET anymore," Kazuma grumbled. "Unlike some of us."
"Kazuma! That's a terrible thing to say!" Wiz gasped. "Besides, you don't know-"
"I totally do. Miss Never-Been-Laid," Kazuma said, sticking his tongue out at Wiz.
"And you wonder why I call you Young Kazuma," All Might sighed. Then he suddenly grew serious. "Oh no. Aqua's not taking us where I think she is… Young Midoriya! Stop!"
They pulled up at a street corner, and All Might set down Kazuma and Wiz, then moved forward to peer around it. "Aqua, is this Eri in that building there, at the end of the street? The one with a wall around it?"
"No, she's under the building! I told you, she's in a dungeon!" Aqua snapped. She pointed to a large, ornate manor house in the traditional japanese style, with a tall stone wall around it. There were several men in cheap suits loitering around the entrance, talking quietly or smoking near the entrance. Several expensive cars could be seen behind the gate, and there were security cameras everywhere.
"Damnation," All Might growled. "I know that place. That's the headquarters of the Shie Hassaikai. Yakuza. This may be more serious than I thought."
"Yakuza!?" Kazuma gasped, jerking back and trying to hide behind All MIght. "Oh shit, those guys are still around? And they have superpowers?! I do not want to mess with superpowered yakuza."
"That's where Eri is," Aqua growled, trembling and leaning towards the yakuza headquarters, her lips curled back in a growl. "I can sense it."
"What do we do?" Midoriya asked, looking to All Might. "We can't just barge in. We don't have a warrant."
"That won't be an issue, I can call and get one immediately," All Might muttered, rubbing his chin. "But this child is really in danger, you say, Aqua?"
"She's hurt really bad," Aqua said, shivering and rubbing her arms. "They hurt her all the time with machines. She's all covered in bandages. And she's scared. Really scared. Especially of the one she calls daddy, but he's not her real dad. And she misses her mom."
"Then we go in and get her," Wiz snarled, her normally brown eyes glowing with an icy blue light. Frost suddenly coated the ground, and Kazuma found his breath misting in the air before him, despite it being a warm May night. "They're hurting a little girl? I'll tear them apart myself!"
"Miss Wiz, wait," All Might said quietly, putting his hand on Wiz's arm. She jerked around, her lips peeled back in snarl, but the big man didn't flinch. "I know it's tempting to just rush in. But if Eri's underground, we have no idea where she is. We have to locate her before we simply rush in."
"I mean, I could find her."
Everyone turned to look at Kazuma, and he mentally started to kick himself. Why did he have to open his big, stupid mouth? Oh well, no going back now.
"I could stealth in, take a look around. I can pick locks and stuff, that's not a problem. I can even get a hold of you guys and give you directions," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"What? When did you learn a magic spell that can contact us?" Aqua asked curiously.
Kazuam gave her an incredulous look, and held up his cell phone. "How'd you contact Midoriya and All Might?"
"I spoke to them in their dreams, duh," Aqua said with a shrug. "I can't figure out how to use one of those things except to play games."
"Because it's way easier to speak to someone in their dreams than it is to just, you know, send them a text message," Kazuma sighed. He felt a migraine coming on when Aqua smiled and nodded as if that were the most natural thing in the world. "Right. Well, unless someone has a better plan, I'll just sneak in there and find the kid. Who knows, maybe I can just hustle her back out too."
"That might be for the best," All Might agreed. "The yakuza can be deadly dangerous, and having a child mixed up in all this would be sheerest folly. But if you run into trouble, call for us and we shall come."
"Yeah, well, if you hear someone scream like a little girl, either Eri or I need help," Kazuma said. "Lurk."
It was pretty easy for Kazuma to sneak past the goons that were obviously on guard. The hard part was finding the secret stairs. Well, it would have been hard if someone hadn't opened them up just as Kazuma was sneaking by. He dodged past the guy and down the stairs, a grin on his face. Luck really was the best stat.
Once he was down below, he had to admit the place really did look like a dungeon, with endless metal corridors and few decorations, lit by the harsh fluorescent bulbs overhead. Instead of trying to figure out where to go, Kazuma just picked a direction and started to wander about, letting his Luck guide the way. He randomly opened a few doors, and pilfered the contents of the rooms while he was at it. What was the point of a dungeon crawl if you didn't take a few valuables along the way? He found some cash and jewelry, and sniggered to himself as he stuffed it in his pockets. Seemed like this wasn't a waste of time after all.
The fifth room was dark, containing a bed and some furniture. However, it was decorated with some wall paper and had a few toys on the dressers. It wasn't hard to figure out that the little girl sleeping on the bed, huddled under a blanket with an Aqua nendoroid clutched in her little arms had to be Eri.
Kazuma whipped out his cell phone, only to sigh and put it back away. No service underground. Great. Well, that left option two. He deactivated Lurk, and walked up to the bed.
"Hey. Psst. Kid. Wake up."
Eri's eyes fluttered open, and she jerked back at seeing Kazuma standing over her. "W-who are you? Did daddy send you? I don't want to go back, please!"
"Nah, I'm an angel," Kazuma said with a sly grin. "Aqua sent me to come get you."
Eri blinked, looking confused, but also hopeful. "R-really? I thought an angel would be prettier, and smell better…"
"Hey, look, I'm all the angel you're getting. So you want out of here or not? 'Cause I'm only up for working ONE miracle tonight," Kazuma said, glaring at the little girl.
"But what about daddy?" Eri whispered, wrapping herself in her blanket as if to hide. "He's scary…"
"Yeah, well, I beat up demons and devils in my spare time when I'm not busy running errands for Aqua, so he won't be a problem," Kazuma chuckled. He held out his hand. "Come on, whaddaya say, kid?"
To Kazuma's surprise, the girl shied away from his hand and ducked under her blankets, replying in a muffled voice, "I can't touch you. If I do, I could disappear you. Like daddy."
"Huh? What are you talking about? You're just a kid. I mean, a kid with a weird horn, but everyone's like that here. No sweat. I'm tough, I can take it," Kazuma bragged. "Come on, I'll take you back to your mom or whatever."
"Y-you mean it? You're really an angel here to take me back to mommy?" Eri asked, slowly lowering her blankets from her head.
"Eh, maybe not your original mom, but we'll hook you up. Or you can just hang out with Aqua and me," Kazuma offered.
"I don't know. How do I know that you're really an angel?" Eri demanded.
Frowning, Kazuma looked down at the kid. She really did look like hell. Her eyes were lined with dark circles that no kid had any business having, and from what he could see her arms were wrapped with bandages. What the hell. Someone was going to pay. "Cause I can do this. Lesser Heal."
As soon as Kazuma touched Eri and healed her, she gasped, shuddering slightly. "I… I feel better! Oh wow, you really are an angel, mister!"
"Call me big brother. I've always wanted a little sister," Kazuma sniffed. "Especially since Iris grew up. Sheesh. You gotta promise me not to date any jerks, alright Eri?"
"Um, yes, big brother," Eri promised.
Kazuma grinned and picked her up. "Well, then let's just get you out of here. Gonna be smooth sailing. Trust me, I'm pretty lucky."
"Oh really?" a new voice growled. Kazuma turned to see a man with a long, beaked mask entere the room, his eyes burning with fury. "Well, I suppose you are. After all, bad luck is still luck."
Eri suddenly whimpered and tried to wiggle out of Kazuma's arms. "Daddy, no!"
The masked man shut the door behind him, growling as he removed the gloves from his hands. "Drop her, boy! She's more important than you know! How did you get in here!"
"Um, food delivery?" Kazuma offered. "Create rations!" he held out a steaming bread roll. "Hungry?"
Instead of answering, the masked man snarled and slashed his hand at Kazuma.
"Whoa!" Kazuma dodged to the side, then held out his free hand. "Create Earth! Gust!"
"Gah!" Beaky cried, blinded, and lunged at where Kazuma had been.
He didn't stick around though, tucking Eri under his arm and bolting. "Crap crap crap crap!"
"Get back here!" Beaky snarled, slamming open the door, looking around blindly. "I'll kill you!"
"Eri, stay quiet. Lurk!" Kazuma said. He fled down a hallway, praying his Stealth held up. "Don't worry, Big Brother's gonna keep you safe. Until the cavalry arrives, that is."
Eri only whimpered and nodded, clinging tightly to Kazuma's chest. And then the alarms started to sound.
"Oh shit," Kazuma sighed. "Hope they don't have anyone with a detection skill."
He fled through the maze of passages, but he couldn't seem to find an exit. Everywhere, goons in masks and suits were blocking him, fencing them in. He ended up sneaking into a room and hiding in a corner with Eri still clutching at him as the search continued. People stuck their head in and looked around, but Kazuma's Lurk held up. Still, it wouldn't last forever. His MP was draining slowly, and eventually they'd go over this room with a fine toothed comb and grab them.
"Big brother," Eri whispered. "Are we going to be OK?"
"Yeah, of course," Kazuma lied. "I'm here. How bad can it be?"
"Ok. I trust you. Even if you are a very smelly angel," Eri said, and cuddled up to him.
Kazuma stroked her back, gritting his teeth. He didn't want to have to fight his way out. But dammit, he'd become attached to the little munchkin in the five minutes he'd known her. She didn't seem to just be an NPC. She was his little sister. And he'd save her.
Somehow.
Chapter 39: Kai Chisaki and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day[img: . ]
Kai Chisaki and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
You don't tug on All Might's cape, you don't steal all Aqua's booze, you don't tug a mask off Vanir and You Don't Mess Around With Wiz.
-Don't Mess with Wiz, by Aqua and the Axis Girls
Shifting nervously on the street corner, Izuku tried not to think about how long Kazuma had been gone. He was fairly certain he could trust his friend to not do anything too egregious. Sure, Kazuma was a bit of a jerk and very irreverent, but whenever the chips were down he came through. It was actually remarkable how much respect Kazuma commanded from Aqua and Megumin, who previously Izuku had thought wouldn't take anyone seriously. And really, as odd as those two girls were, they were frighteningly powerful and effective when they put their minds to it.
Even now, Aqua seemed to have total faith in Kazuma, waiting patiently for him. That was also surprising. Aqua was not by nature even slightly patient, but now she waited confidently, her eyes narrowed as she watched the building.
"Do you think he's alright?" Wiz asked nervously.
"He is a strange one, but I think the lad is trustworthy," All Might said quietly. "He carries many burdens, Kazuma Sato. He is one who smiles to hide the pain, I think."
"Yes, I think so too. I've known him for a long time. He's… well, he's a good person, even though he won't admit it. I'm certain Eri will be safe," Wiz said hopefully.
And that was when Aqua suddenly stiffened, right before the alarms went off in the compound. "Something's wrong! Eri's crying again!"
"What do we do now?" Izuku asked, looking to All Might.
"Is the girl safe? Kazuma?" All Might asked Aqua.
"Yes, but they're in trouble! We have to help!" Aqua said frantically. "Someone's trying to kill Eri!"
"Well then," Wiz said quietly. "I believe it is time for us to make our entrance."
"Indeed, I have my warrant, and-"
Wiz ignored All Might, walking slowly towards the yakuza hideout, even as thugs in dark coats hurried outside, carrying weapons.
"Hey, you back off, lady!" one of the men snarled. "This is-"
"You have taken an innocent child captive," Wiz snarled, raising one hand before her. "You are worse than scum."
"Shit, she's one of them, get her!" One of the yakuza activated his quirk, summoning forth a storm of leaves from a nearby tree.
All Might made to move, but he wasn't quite fast enough. Wiz screamed, and in her voice was ice and death. "CRYSTAL ICE PRISON!"
Waves of ice emanate from Wiz, entrapping the thugs and freezing the land around her. One of the thugs, his arms and legs coated in ice, screamed and tried to free himself, only for Wiz to reach out with an ice covered hand and touch his forehead.
"Where is the girl?" she growled.
"I d-don't know, I-"
Izuku hurried up, just in time to see Wiz's face transform. She went from looking like a beautiful, sweet woman in her early twenties, to something terrifying. Her flesh seemed to wither and wrinkle, her eyes to shrivel and vanish until they were simply two glowing shards of ice, and her hair became stark white and wispy, like that of a corpse.
"Where is she, mortal?" the thing that had been Wiz hissed, its voice like a scream from beyond the grave. "You can tell me while you live, or I may slay you and steal the secrets from your corpse when I raise it."
"Down stairs! Hidden staircase, behind the shrine! B-buttons under the vase on the table behind it! Oh gods, don't kill me-"
The hideous thing vanished, and Wiz strode forward, her normal face set in a determined expression. "Come. We have a child to rescue."
All Might matched his pace with Wiz's, his own emotions a mask of fury. Izuku fell in behind them with Aqua, feeling shaken and looking at the frozen yakuza who were weeping in sheer terror.
"You saw, didn't you? What she really is," Aqua asked, her own jaw set in a stubborn line.
"I… yes. Is that really…?"
"She is a lich. A powerful one. She spends a lot of effort to look that way. But it's not what she really is. She's a monster, Midoriya. Don't forget it," Aqua told him. "One day, I will purify her. True resurrection or not. That is the fate of all abominations."
"I… maybe. She seems like a good person," Izuku managed.
"She's not a person, Midoriya. She's a lich. They're not people. Not anymore. They're a mockery of the gods' will, a perversion. And they must be cleansed," Aqua snarled. "As my champion, it is your duty to seek out things like Wiz and destroy them."
"Wait, your champion?!" Izuku squeaked. When had that happened?
"Of course. You saved a world, Midoriya, and swore yourself to my service. You're my champion, and my friend! Now come on, let's go save Eri!" Aqua skipped forward, a grin replacing her fury as they dove straight into danger and battle.
Ahead of Izuku, he could see All Might and Wiz fighting in concert, demolishing waves of yakuza. A few of them threw up their hands and surrendered upon seeing they were facing the Symbol of Peace himself, but others foolishly charged forward. All Might didn't even appear to be working particularly hard, moving smoothly and fluidly to incapacitate with quick blows to the head or body to disable his opponents.
"Wiz, we are heroes! We do not kill!" All Might barked to her as she lifted a man who had transformed into a giant beast of some sort off the ground with one casual hand, throttling him despite his struggles and attempts to batter at her.
"They hurt a little girl," Wiz growled. "Drain Touch! Do you have any idea what I've seen happen to humanity? I watched my people used as cattle! Experiments! Entertainment! I had to sit and watch for two CENTURIES! I saved those I could, sheltered those I could, but I watched my world BURN. No one else suffers, not while I can save them!"
The beast man whimpered and struggled in Wiz's icy grip, until All Might put a hand on her shoulder. "I understand what it is to know pain and hatred. But in this world, we are heroes. These are men. Not monsters. Be more than they are, Wiz. Be the woman you wish to be. Be a hero."
With a cry, Wiz hurled the beast away through a wall. Her whole body trembled, and she held her hands up before her face. "I just… I'm not human, anymore, All Might. I… I'm turning into Him. I… I'm a lich. Just like The Lord of the Tomb. What if… what if I turn on my people, like he did? What if I lose what makes me human? I can't even remember the taste of food, or what it is to sleep! My only friend is a demon! What even am I now!?"
"A hero. And a friend," All Might told her. "I do not think this Lord of the Tomb would be this driven to rescue a child he doesn't even know. You're just as human as the rest of us, Wiz. Now come. Let us find Eri, and get her out of here."
"Well, didn't think I'd be so lucky today," a new voice chuckled behind them. Izuku spun to see a man in a beaked mask with long brown hair and broad shoulders striding towards them, another man in a dark robe and mask at his side. "All Might himself! I've wanted to fight you for years!"
"I'll handle these two!" Izuku called. "You and Wiz go get Eri and Kazuma, All Might."
"What, a runt like you? Beat me? Ha! Not a chance!" the brawler charged forward, one fist raised.
"Blessing!" Aqua cried, and One for All raged through Izuku. He blocked the yakuza's blow easily, sliding back slightly.
"What? How did you-"
"SMASH!" Izuku roared, and delivered a counter punch, not actually connecting to the enemy's body, but instead using the force of the air pressure from the blow to send him tumbling back.
"Hmm. It appears he is strong," the robed thug mused, stroking his plain mask. "You should be more cautious, Rappa."
"OH, SHUT UP, TENGAI!" Rappa roared, surging out of a rapidly melting snowbank from one of Wiz's spells and charging Izuku again. "I won't take it easy on you this time, boy!"
Izuku counter punched to block Rappa's blow, meeting him fist to fist. Their knuckles met with an ear splitting boom, and this time Izuku moved forward, driving Rappa back. He snapped his leg up in a kick, only for it to skitter off a glowing barrier.
"Sword and shield, in one accord. That is how we fight, is it not?" Tengai mused, stroking his mask. "We must be cautious. I do not know who these two heroes are, but they were with All Might. They must be-"
"Dispel!" Aqua cried.
Tengai's barrier suddenly shattered, and Izuku flicked his leg out in another kick, sending Rappa crashing into Tengai and slamming the both of them into a wall. He jumped forward, and Rappa had just enough time to look up in utter shock before Izuku's fist shattered his mask and hit him directly on the jaw. There was a crunching sound, and Rappa slumped over.
"Oh man, I hope I didn't kill him," Izuku said guiltily.
Aqua hurried up, putting a hand on the unconscious man's head. "Hmm, almost. Lesser Heal! There we go. He won't die now, but he'll be out for a while. Good job, Midoriya! Now come on, let's go save Eri!"
Down below in the underground labyrinth, it wasn't hard to track Wiz and All Might's progress. The yakuza who hadn't been knocked senseless by All Might had been frozen by Wiz, though they still appeared to be breathing. They didn't follow the trail of carnage far before there was a deafening crash and explosion ahead of them, and Izuku ran forward with Aqua hot on his heels. They came around a turn and found themselves looking up at a massive crater that led up to the surface, with Wiz and All Might at the center of it. Above them on the rim of the crater stood a group of yakuza, all in those strange masks.
And in the grip of a giant hung Kazuma, who was clutching a little girl with blue hair who had to be Eri.
"Come no closer, All Might," the yakuza leader called. "Do so, and this boy's life is forfeit! You're lucky Eri didn't kill him already! Her quirk is deadly. I don't know why you've invaded my home, but it seems I must begin my plans early. You shall merely be the first victim."
"Put the boy down, Chisaki!" All Might called. "You can still walk away from this. Hurt him, and it's over for you!"
"No, I think not," Chisaki hissed. "It's over for you."
There was a bang, and All Might let out a cry, sinking to one knee. Smoke hissed out of him, and he was suddenly back in his skeletal form.
"HA!" Chisaki laughed, throwing back his head. "And so he falls! The champion of quirks! Soon, I shall purge this world, and no more of this filth shall-"
Aqua skipped forward, stuck out her tongue at Chisaki, and said, "Restoration!"
All Might suddenly snapped back to his muscular form, growling as he stood up, panting hard. "Thank you, Aqua. It's time to end this."
"What!?" Chisaki cried, jerking back. "How?! His quirk, it had to be gone, but then-"
"You're a real stupid bastard, aren't you?" Kazuma laughed, despite his precarious situation. "Hey! Midoriya! Catch!"
And then Kazuma flung Eri as hard as he could. Izuku moved, tapping into One For All until it raged like a storm in his veins. He leapt into the air, grabbing Eri and jumping back away from the Yakuza.
"WHAT?!" Chasaki roared. "Kill the boy! Kill them all! And get Eri back!"
The giant casually snapped Kazuma's neck and tossed his body to the side with a lazy gesture. Aqua screamed in rage and pain, falling to her knees.
"NO!" All Might bellowed, and charged.
"Wiz, hold Eri," Izuku ordered, passing her the weeping girl.
He charged ahead again, going up against three yakuza that tried to flank All Might as he battled the giant. They seemed to move so slowly as One For All blazed within Izuku. He didn't hold back, not this time. He crushed one that appeared to have a crystal generating quirk with one blow. He used an air jet to send the hooded one with snapping jaws flying off into the sky. And as for the one that somehow managed to steal Wiz's panties, Izuku didn't have to do anything. The foolish thief was a solid pillar of ice.
The wind picked up, and a light nearly blinded Izuku as a helicopter flew overhead, illuminating the match that was taking place at the center of the arena. All Might was exchanging a flurry of blows with the giant, but seemed to be growing weaker with each punch as the giant grew larger and stronger. A vapor seemed to be sucked from All Might with each of the giant's breaths, and his breathing grew labored, his body trembling. Still, somehow, All Might found it within himself for one final blow.
"UNITED! STATES! OF! SMASH!"
The sheer force of the blow sent the giant crashing into the side of the crater, which collapsed onto him, burying the man as All Might sank to one knee panting and sweating.
"Impressive," Chisaki growled. "You are the number one. But it's not over." The yakuza leader strode over to the giant, and touched him. Something warped about him, and Chisaki and the giant both vanished, turning into a horrifying amalgamation.
"BUT NOW, ALL MIGHT, YOU DIE!" the abomination surged forward at All Might, and Izuku shot himself forward, desperate to save his hero. But the thing slammed one arm into Izuku, and he went flying away, pain blinding him. He solid across the ground, and he looked over to see his right arm had been severed from a single swipe. His ears rang, and for a moment, he thought he was going to die like Kazuma had.
Seeing his protege taken out so easily, All Might roared in anger and rage, seeking within himself that reservoir of strength that lay within. He rushed at the newly amalgamated horror, dodging and raining blows down as Wiz called down ice from behind him. However, it had been mere days since Aqua had healed All Might, and he had not yet fully recovered. Additionally, he had taken some real hits earlier, and his foe's strength sapping quirk was still effect, and he started to slow.
Just as Izuku thought he was going to die again, Aqua was there. She glowed with an ethereal blue light, and touched Izuku. He didn't hear what she said, but strength surged back into him. His arm regrew in seconds, and he clenched a fist. "Thank you."
"Get out there and kick his butt!" Aqua demanded. "He killed Kazuma! That asshole!"
"He'll pay," Izuku promised, and spun just in time to see All Might's head go flying past him in a spray of blood. It had taken only a single hit from Chisaki's quirk, and All Might had lost too much strength from losing his quirk momentarily and the draining effect of that other villain.
"No," Izuku whispered. "NO!"
But it was too late. All Might's body slumped over before the abomination.
"AND SO FALLS YOUR SYMBOL OF PEACE! NO ONE CAN STOP ME-"
"CRYSTAL! ICE! PRISON!"
Izuku heard weeping, and turned his head to see Wiz striding forward, Eri held tight to her shoulder with one arm as the other conjured forth a stream of ice. Something was wrong though. Wiz's image was flicking, going back to the skeletal one, the snapping back to normal. Eri was frantic, trying to get away from the Ice Witch.
"Put me down! I'm bad! My quirk is on! You'll disappear, like daddy!" Eri wept, and Izuku could see her horn was now larger and glowing.
"You'll be fine, sweetie. Don't worry. I'll keep you safe," Wiz promised. "Just hold on for me, OK? You'll be safe. Everything's fine now."
"But they're dead!" Eri wailed. "They're dead, and it's my fault! Put me down!"
"No, child. You are innocent. Do not fear. I'll keep you safe. Midoriya! Can you finish this?" Wiz called.
Izuku didn't respond, only racing forward as the mutated yakuza thugs broke free of the ice. Wiz conjured more, and the thing roared in pain.
"FOR ALL MIGHT!" Izuku screamed. "ONE FOR ALL! 1000%! PLUS ULTRA SMASH!"
His blow took the thing in the chest, and it went flying into the air. Izuku didn't stop though, jumping so hard he heard the earth crack and shatter behind him. The thing suddenly split into two again, Chisaki using his quirk to heal himself and the giant somehow. He reached out to touch the giant again to reform the monster, but Izuku fired off air blasts, sending them apart. He reached the giant first, grabbing him and hurling him to the ground.
"How!? What is this!?" Chisaki howled as the wind whipped around them. "How is this strength possible!?"
"I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE GODDESS!" Izuku bellowed. "BEARER OF ONE FOR ALL! BY THE GRACE OF LADY AQUA, YOUR CRIMES END HERE! SMASH!"
Izuku didn't hit Chisaki, his quirk was too deadly. But his blast of air flung Chisaki into the ground, where he smashed into a pile of rubble. Izuku landed not far away, panting as Chisaki exploded up, his face a mask of rage.
"A GODDESS!? THERE ARE NO GODS, FOOL! NOW YOU-"
"Howling Blizzard!" Wiz snarled, stumbling forward, Eri still collapsed to her breast. The ice snared Chisaki, and he snarled in pain.
"HAPSUDATE SMASH!" Isuku raged, and slammed his fist into Chisaki's gut. The man coughed up blood, then hurtled into a wall. He seperated from the other man, who stumbled, only to take a hit from a blast of air from Izuku. Chisaki stayed down, his body battered and bleeding.
Izuku spat blood to the side, feeling drained. He turned away from Wiz, and ran back to the crater.
He found Aqua had somehow dragged All Might's body out of the hole, grunting with the effort. "Get the head," she ordered Izuku. "I'm finding Kazuma."
"Right," Izuku agreed, and jumped down. He felt sick as he picked up the gore slick head of his mentor. Please. She had to do it again. A miracle. He jumped back out, and found Aqua had set All Might's body down next to Kazuma's which had wound up in the street. Around here, police cars and ambulances were arriving, along with news vans. He hurried up, setting All Might's head next to the body.
"Can you do it?" Izuku asked quietly.
"Yes," Aqua said, sighting as she reattached All Might's head. "I always hate this part. Bringing back friends… it doesn't feel good."
Izuku heard crying, and looked up to see police kneeling around All Might's body, their faces masks of horror.
"No," one of them wailed. "He can't be dead! Not All Might!"
"This is a trick! He can't… he can't be dead!" a panicked reporter cried. "That's… that's not All Might, right?"
"It's him," Izuku sighed. "But fear not. Aqua is here."
A few eyes shifted over to Aqua, then an EMT let out a cry. "It's her! It's the goddess! Aqua! The one who brought Ingenium and Uwabami back to life!"
"Yes," Aqua agreed, standing and smiling, her hands coated in gore. "I am the goddess, Aqua. I can save All Might and Kazuma. But I need prayers and offerings. Please, does anyone have alcohol, or water? If you don't, some prayers to me would help…"
Someone rushed forward with a can of beer and offered it to Aqua. She touched it, and it vanished into blue light. "Thank you."
All around them, people knelt and began to pray, some generically to whatever gods were listening, others explicitly to Aqua. She closed her eyes, raising her hands. "I hear your prayers. Your desire shall be granted. All Might and Sato Kazuma will live again. Resurrection!'
A blue light blazed up around Aqua, and Izuku had to shield his eyes as it enveloped Aqua and the two corpses.
When it faded, All Might slowly got to his knees. He knelt there, bowing his head before Aqua.
"Thank you, Goddess. You have saved me once more. I… I owe you more than I can repay."
Aqua smiled, and reached down, touching All Might's head gently. "Arise, my servant. Go forth, and save innocents once more. Fight for the love that is found in me, Aqua, and bring peace to my people."
As All Might got to his feet, there were gasps and cries of joy.
"She did it! She raised the dead! His head wasn't even on, and she did it! All Might's back to life!"
"Oh yeah," Kazuma muttered as Izuku helped him to his feet as the cheers continued. "Just forget about me. The guy who saved Eri and all. Sheesh. Guy comes back once, it's a big deal. But me? That was 15 times! No one even cares!"
"I care. Thanks. You saved Eri," Izuku said, patting Kazuma on the shoulder.
The celebration suddenly ended when a new voice cried out.
"Please! Please, you have help! I… I couldn't stop myself! Please!" Eri struggled forward, dragging a limp woman after her, tears streaming down her face. "She won't get up! I can't stop! Please! Help me!"
Aqua ran forward, and Eri tried to jerk back, only for Aqua to catch her and put a hand to her horn.
"Be at peace, Eri, my follower. This sin is not your own. I remove this curse from you." Aqua leaned forward, kissing Eri on the forehead. Her horn stopped glowing, then vanished in a shower of blue sparks.
Eri sat stock still for a moment, eyes wide, then she jumped into Aqua's arms. "T-thank you! B-but, the nice lady, she… she's-"
"Hmm." Aqua knelt down, touching Wiz's body. It was nothing but dried, empty bones in a dress now. "She sacrificed herself to save others. But I can't do this alone. King Kai?"
"She's not one of mine," a nasally voice said. Izuku jerked back as a blue man with long antennae in strange robes suddenly appeared, stepping out from nowhere. "But, she did save this child. For that, I am grateful. But what about you, Aqua? She was one of the undead. Are you certain?"
Aqua looked to Kazuma, who sighed heavily. "Wiz was good people. If you can help her Aqua, do it. Not real sure what happened to her though. She looks all dried up. You know anything about it, King Kai?"
"She was dragged backwards in time, to the moment of her death," the thing with the antenne replied. "There, her time ended. She is but a corpse now, the mortal coil she long ago left behind."
"I… I never liked her," Aqua admitted. "But she was Kazuma's friend. And… and she tried. She was the nicest undead I ever knew. Ok. Can we bring her back?"
"I'll take care of it. This one's on me," King Kai said. He placed a hand on the desiccated skull. "Return to life, child of Comedy. May you bring many more smiles to this world."
Around the place where King Kai's hand touched, flesh suddenly rippled. Wiz was there once more, a faint flush on her cheeks. Her chest rose and fell softly, and she seemed to be sleeping.
"She'll need to sleep for a while, and eat when she wakes. She hasn't been alive in a long time," the strange being said. "Well, I'm off again. Good work, Aqua. Your mother would be proud."
"Wait, what?" Aqua gasped, but then King Kai vanished as suddenly as he'd come.
"Ok," Izuku said slowly as cameras flashed behind them. "What was that?"
"Man, I have got a story to tell you," Kazuma sighed, putting an arm around Izuku's shoulders. "But first, let me ask you something. Ever heard of Dragon Ball?"
The Vile Chisaki and his minions have been defeated, and Eri is safe once more. But what happened to Kazuma and All Might while they were dead, and who is this mysterious, handsome, and incredibly witty man known as King Kai? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball- I mean, This Goddess Must Be Crazy!
Last edited by a moderator: Nov 19, 2020
Chapter 40: Massively MultiplayerBeta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator
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Chapter 40: Massively Multiplayer
And you thought Lego Batman was the most ambitious crossover in history.
Sounds of battle filled the air, and Aqua let out a cry of anguish as Kazuma died. For his part, Kazuma really wished she'd just shut up and get on with it. It wasn't like this was the first time.
"You know, I am getting way too used to this," Kazuma sighed as he floated above his dead body. "Though I admit the ghost stuff is new."
He sensed someone behind him, and Kazuma sighed, turning. "Yeah yeah, I get it, so sorry you're dead, blahblah, look, just wait and…"
Kazuma trailed off as he stared into the purple eyes of a young woman in a kimono sitting on top of a floating oar.
"Well, this is awkward," the girl said, rubbing the back of her head. "You see, you've died, and I have no idea who you are. You're not on my list anywhere. But they said you'd be here so…"
"Botan!?" Kazuma gasped. "No freaking way!"
"Oh! You know who I am?" the Grim Reaper of Japan asked, peering at Kazuma. "That's strange, most mortals don't recognize me. Who are you, exactly?"
"No stinking way! You're from Yu Yu Hakusho! Is Urameshi here? This is so cool, do I get to be a Spirit Detective now?!" Kazuma babbled.
Botan blinked slowly, tilting her head to one side. "How do you know Yusuke? Or about being a spirit detective… this world doesn't have those. Well, I see why Death was so eager to have me go collect you personally. Well, hop on then, I suppose we'd best go speak with the boss."
"This is so cool," Kazuma said, grinning as he jumped onto the oar. "I'm gonna get to meet King Yenma! Is he still a little kid with the pacifier? Best death ever!"
Botan turned around to start open mouthed at Kazuma as they flew off into the night sky. "How do you even know all this? Are you some sort of god like I am?"
"Eh, basically. I hang out with Aqua. How come I never saw you in the Divine Realm? Too busy collecting souls?"
"I've never heard of Aqua, if I'm being honest. Oh well, hold on, here we go!" the stars in the sky steamed to stretch and bend as the world twisted around Kazuma. The next thing he knew, they were flying out of a doorway into a neatly ordered graveyard, where lines of perfectly arranged tombstones stretched endlessly below a dark purple sky. All around them, neatly arranged doorways floated in the air, each labeled with a symbol, though Kazuma and Botan were moving too fast for him to study them carefully.
"Hey, this doesn't look like King Yenma's office, where are we?" Kazuma asked, peering around.
"Death's office, I was told to bring you straight here," Botan informed him, taking the oar down for a landing.
They touched down before a large desk, with piles of papers carefully stacked in ordered and labeled trays as a boy with dark black hair with streaks of white in his hair worked away.
"Death the Kid?!" Kazuma gasped, clutching at his chest. "I just… I can't take this anymore! This is too awesome! Yu Yu Hakusho and Soul Eater?! This is so cool! Where are Liz and Patty?! I have to meet them! Megumin is going to be so jealous, she loves Soul Eater!"
Death slowly set his pen down, looking up at Kazuma with hooded yellow eyes, a scowl on his face. "Botan, I take it, this is the first special mission?"
"Yes, and I have to say sir, he's very odd. He knows about Urameshi and claims to know a goddess named Aqua. Have you ever heard of her?"
"A goddess named Aqua? Well I'm sure there's some water deity floating around by that name. Just who exactly are you, boy?"
Kazuma bristled at that. "Hey, don't call me boy! I'm over 200 years old, and I am a god! I've saved two worlds from the Devil King now! Just ask Director Smith!"
"Director Smith?" Death smirked at that. "How droll. You actually think we have someone named Director Smith in the afterlife?"
"He's the Personnel Director! He was there, he did the roll back for Hapsudate after we saved it from the Lord of the Tomb!" Kazuma snapped.
Botan froze, her eyes going very wide, while Death's lips formed into a thin line. "Ah. You're one of Alucard's, then? Trying to infiltrate one of my worlds?"
Twin pistols suddenly formed in Death's hands, and despite knowing he was in danger, Kazuma couldn't help let out a gasp. "Liz and Patty?! Can I have their autographs?! Come on, they're so cool! What about Black Star? He's Megumin's favorite! Could I get a signed shuriken from him? Please? I'm like your biggest fan, man!"
The guns in Death's hands suddenly twisted to have the faces of young girls in cowboy hats.
"Boss, you really think we need to ice this guy?" the brunette asked.
"He seems nice, we should keep him!" the blonde giggled.
Death sighed and put up the guns, which vanished again. "Well, King Kai was very specific about you. Go get the other one, Botan, he should be showing up soon. Take him straight to King Kai this time."
"On it!" Botan said cheerily. "Good bye, whoever you are. I do hope you're not an enemy, you seem kind, if strange."
"Kazuma! Kazuma Sato!" Kazuma yelled as Botan hopped back on her oar and flew off through the door they'd come in by.
"Well, Kazuma Sato, come with me," Death said, turning and walking away from Kazuma, hands shoved in his pockets. "This is most irregular. Not symmetrical at all. Everything is out of order these days."
"Oh yeah, you're totally into the whole symmetry thing," Kazuma said as he jogged to catch up to death. "But seriously, I'm going to need a shuriken from Black Star. My girlfriend is a huge fan, and she'll never believe me if I don't take something back with me."
"You're dead you idiot. You're not going back, and you couldn't take anything with you if you did," Death sighed with a shake of his head.
"Meh, I've died like 15 times now, I'm not worried, Aqua always brings me back," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"WHAT!?" Death spun, his yellow eyes wide as he grabbed Kazuma by the shoulders. "Fifteen times!? That violates every natural law! I ought to reap you right now and dispose of your unnatural soul forever!"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down there dude. Relax, like I said, I'm basically a god. We die all the time, right?"
"No. We do not," Death huffed, removing his hands from Kazuma's shoulders. "I'm taking you to the top like I'm supposed to. I wash my hands of this entire thing." And to illustrate the point, he took out a small tube of hand sanitizer and squeezed some onto his hands, rubbing them together as he made for a door.
Upon seeing the symbol on the door, Kazuma began to let out a high pitched squeal.
"Will you stop that?!" Death demanded as he opened the door. "How are you even making that sound?! It's like a dog whistle!"
"Dragon Ball!" Kazuma shrieked as he bolted through the door, towards a weirdly slopping hill of grass. "I'm going to-OOF!"
No sooner was he through the door than it felt as though a great hand grabbed Kazuma by the head and shoved him straight into the ground, pressing down across his entire body.
"Hmm. Not used to the gravity here, are you?" Death said, an amused expression on his face. Then he frowned. "Wait. You're dead. A spirit. How does gravity even affect you?"
"Because it's funny. Those are the rules he operates by," a nasally voice said.
"Oh my god," Kazuma moaned. "King Kai. This is so cool…"
"Hmm, yes. Well, let me just adjust that," King Kai said. A second later, there was a pop, and Kazuma found he could stand. He brushed himself off, grinning like a loon as he looked up at Death the Kid and King Kai standing together, watching him. "This is so amazing! All my favorite manga are coming true! What about Naruto and Luffy? Are they here? And Goku! I HAVE to meet Goku!"
"You said he did that because he thinks he's funny. He from That Woman's division?" Death asked King Kai.
"Yep. One of Haruhi's," King Kai affirmed.
Death let out a heavy sigh. "You never should have let Comedy break off from us. Half the mess we're in is because of what that lunatic chief goddess of theirs gets up to."
"Who's Haruhi?" Kazuma asked, frowning. "She like the chief goddess Aqua goes on about or whatever?"
Death shared a long suffering look with King Kai, then sighed. "I've got too much work to do to stand around and discuss theology. Botan will be back with the other one shortly."
"Other one?" Kazuma asked as Death stepped through the doorway, which vanished when he closed it. "Oh shit! Aqua isn't going to die, is she?"
"Probably not. It would be rather inconvenient if she did," King Kai said with a shrug. "Honestly I don't really know. We're in uncharted territory here. No, we're waiting on someone else."
"Not… not Eri?" Kazuma asked, his heart feeling sick. "She's just a little girl…"
"She'll be fine," King Kai promised. "That, I can assure you. Though for how much longer, who knows. But they should be arriving… now."
"I am here!" a familiar voice proclaimed. "And very confused! Young Kazuma! I am… sorry. You died well."
Kazuma turned to see All Might standing there, grinning. "What, the gravity here doesn't affect you?"
"Hmm? Oh, it does. This would be an excellent place to train!" All Might laughed. Then he turned serious. "Kazuma, are you not afraid to be dead?"
"Dude, I have died so many times I feel like they owe me a free sundae," Kazuma complained. He glanced at King Kai, frowning. "So, what? Why are we even here? Aqua's just gonna bring us both back."
"Because this was a good chance to give you both a warning, so listen up," King Kai said sternly. "Ainz Ooal Gown's forces are already on your world. They're dangerous, but they're not the real threat. No, the real threat goes much deeper than that. You see, your reality is not the only one."
"Sorta figured that out already," Kazuma sighed. "I mean, I've been to like, four worlds now. Five if you count the Divine Realm."
"You don't understand. You've been to different worlds, Kazuma, but you're also one of the only beings to exist in two different realities. You see, you are from the Comedy Division. All Might is from the Shonen Division. Your realities operate on fundamentally different principals."
All Might only blinked in confusion, but Kazuma barked out a laugh. "What, like genres of manga and anime?"
"Exactly like genres of manga and anime," King Kai said grimly. "You mortals tell yourselves those stories, because they're the same stories that the gods tell as we shape the universes. What you see as fiction is a reflection of differing realities."
"But, life is not merely a story," All Might said, frowning. "There is comedy, yes, but also tragedy, romance-"
"Oh we'll get to your romance," King Kai interrupted. "Haruhi insisted. She's obsessed with 'shipping.' I never really cared personally, but this is her show too, so I'm fine with it. Look, All Might, you're from my reality, the one I shaped personally with the aid of the minor gods. It's called the Shonen Division because I value personal growth, valor, and triumph by strength of will and feats of combat. That's how the rules of your world work. If you grow and show strength and fight, you'll succeed. The world will bend itself to make sure you do. I create worlds for heroes."
"That is… but what of the villains? Do you make those as well?" All Might asked. "I had… well, since I realized gods were real, I have wondered about evil. Is there some dark version of Aqua?"
Kazuma winced, and King Kai grimaced and jerked his head in a nod. "There are. The Dark Gods. For where there is creation, there also destruction. They have their own warped and twisted realities, and they bleed over into the world the gods have created. Right now, most of our problems come from a single Dark God: Alucard."
"What, Dracula?" Kazuma asked, surprised. "The devil's a vampire?"
"One of the devils. And he is far more than a vampire. He is a Dark God. And he's attempting to destroy Comedy," King Kai explained. "Haruhi is young, for a goddess. And inexperienced. She was lured into a bargain with Alucard, one that gave him an opening. Then, when things turned sour, she tried to fight her own battles. But Haruhi is the Goddess of Comedy, not of battle. She lost, badly."
"The Lord of the Tomb," Kazuma gasped. "He… he's Alucard?"
"No, merely one of his servants, though an unknowing one. Him and the Godslayer. Gods do not make war directly. But, I found out Haruhi was in trouble. And so, I sent her help. Forty-two youths, from one of my newest and brightest worlds. True heroes."
"Midoriya. You sent him to the other world?" All Might guessed.
"I did. Though don't tell Haruhi that. She'd be embarrassed. I used her favorite child to do it as well."
"What, Aqua? She's this Haruhi's daughter?" Kazuma asked. "Because if she is, Haruhi is a terrible mom."
"Like I said, Haruhi is young. And, well, daughter might not be the right word. But she is Haruhi's creation. Aqua is a part of this isekai craze all the younger gods are on about right now," King Kai said, shaking his head and sighing. "I don't really understand it, but, well, I'm glad they're excited about something. So, I isekai'd a few heroes of my own to help my pupil."
"What you did was dangerous," All Might rumbled, his brows drawn down in a scowl. "You should have sent experienced heroes, such as myself. Not children."
"Those are the rules. Besides, they all succeeded, better than even I hoped for," King Kai laughed.
Kazuma shook his head. "This is all nuts. You gods are all crazy."
"Hey, don't talk about my friends that way! Some of my favorite people are gods!"
A tingle ran down Kazuma's spine, and he nearly wet himself in excitement as he spun around, a look of pure ecstasy on his face as he beheld his one, true hero. "Goku!"
The tall man in an orange gi with wild black hair sprouting from his head paused, cocking his head to one side. "Do I know you?"
"I'm your biggest fan," Kazuma managed, feeling as though he could die of sheer happiness. "Let me have your babies!"
Goku flinched back, a look of confusion and disgust washing over his face. "Er, no thanks, I'm married. King Kai, who are these two? That kid seems weird, but that one…" Goku turned to All Might, a smile spreading over his lips as his eyes shone. "That one seems strong."
"Goku, you're not supposed to be here," King Kai sighed. "What are you doing here?"
"I dunno, got bored I guess. I just felt like I needed to come check up on you." Goku grinned at All Might. "Feel like getting in some training? Maybe go a round or two?"
"I don't know," All Might said, studying Goku carefully. "I don't normally spar with strangers. People can get hurt that way, and-"
"All Might!" Kazuma cried, rushing over to his teacher. "You HAVE to do this! Oh man, Midoriya is going to cream himself when he hears about this! Please, this is like, everything I have ever dreamed of! I'll do anything! I'll make Aqua do her homework! I'll never be late to school again! Please! I have literally waited all my life for this! A real life Dragon Ball Z fight! Come on dude, you can at least make him go SSJ1!"
"I'm interested as well, actually," King Kai said, folding his arms behind his back. "Two of my greatest creations, fighting for honor and glory. I think I'll even things out a little even. Here."
King Kai walked over to All Might, placing a man on the giant's chest. A glowing aura surrounded All Might, and he let out a gasp as his muscles rippled. There was a high pitched whine, but that stopped when everyone else gave Kazuma a concerned look.
"There, that should refuel you to your strongest point. You were a bit lacking on the power after you passed on your quirk to Midoriya, even after Aqua healed you. x It's impressive what Aqua did, actually. She shouldn't have been able to recreate a shonen magic system from the ground up, but I suppose she's spent enough time around Midoriya that he rubbed off on her just as much as she did on him. Now though, I've given you access to just as much strength as you ever had, and sprinkled in a bit more perhaps."
"I feel… this is incredible!" All Might flexed, grinning broadly. "I feel like a new man all over again! Even if I am dead."
"Great, we can fight now!" Goku said.
All Might still hesitated as Goku grinned and began to stretch, so Kazuma pushed the big man forward. "Dude, come on! Are you curious to see if you can take on the greatest hero of all time?! This is Son Goku! The greatest Shonen Hero!"
"Well, I suppose a little sparing wouldn't hurt anyone," All Might agreed. He smiled suddenly. "You look like quite the experienced fighter, sir. A hero, I take it?"
"Eh, I'm just a guy who likes a good fight. Sometimes, that involves saving the world," Goku said as he rolled his shoulders, then fell into a fighting stance.
Kazuma scrambled over to King Kai, his fists balled in eagerness. "This is going to be the most epic thing ever."
"Hmmm," King Kai said. "I sort of feel bad for you, Kazuma."
"Huh?" Kazuma said, glancing at King Kai. When he looked back, Goku and All Might seemed to have vanished. He could only hear the crack of fists and feel the rush of wind from the exchange of blows as the two fighters went at it full throttle. There were sudden blurs of motion, on the ground and in the sky, but Kazuma couldn't see a damn thing.
"This is so unfair!" Kazuma ranted. "Two amazing heroes are battling, and I can't see a thing! Slow down you two, this is some BS!"
"Relax, here," King Kai said, putting a hand on Kazuma's shoulder.
He blinked, and then, he could see it. The two men, one in orange, the other in red, white and blue, dodged and weaved, hit and blocked, and moved like the wind itself. Kazuma admittedly knew nothing about the sort of fighting they were doing, preferring to fight dirty when he had to, and avoid direct conflict at all costs.
This also wasn't the sort of fighting Darkness did, not even now that she was better and blocking and dodging. Kazuma had heard fighting described as a dance before, and he'd previously thought that was romantic nonsense. Most fights were more like a bunch of drunks stumbling into one another at top speed in his experience. This though? This was art, on the same level as what Aqua did. Both All Might and Goku were clearly masters at their craft, reading one another's movements, planning their own correspondingly many steps ahead, and
yet at the same time improvising on the fly.
Interestingly, there were no special techniques or ki attacks: Goku seemed to intuit that All Might had no such abilities, and restricted himself so that they were fighting on even terms. He didn't transform either, which Kazuma found slightly disappointing, but even he had to admit that as strong as All Might was, going Super Saiyan was probably complete overkill.
After watching for what felt like a few minutes, it soon became clear to even Kazuma that Goku had the upper hand. He was taking hits, true, and All Might was clearly skilled, strong, and fast, it was just that Goku was so much more. To All Might, this was a duty, a job, something he did so that he could protect others and be a hero. But to Goku? This was life itself. The thrill of conflict, the rush of battle, to push himself even further beyond, that was what Goku lived for.
And so, All Might backed off, taking a knee. "I yield. You are clearly the victor. I might be able to defeat you, if it were not so obvious you were holding a great deal of your strength back. Perhaps back when I was in my prime I could have bested you, but that time is passed."
"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, you fought well! That was fun, good match," Goku said, extending his hand to All Might. Grasping Goku's arm, All Might went to his feet, and the two titans of battle shared a firm handshake, smiling at one another.
"Well, I must say, for someone who just died, I feel rather alive!" All Might laughed. "Thank you, Son Goku. Your world must be well in hand, to have a protector such as you."
"Eh, I guess. Like I said, I'm just in it for the fights!" Goku laughed. "But I suppose your world must have some strong villains too. Hey, King Kai, think I could go to his world and help fight those villains I've heard about? You know, that Al guy you talk about."
"To send you against Alucard's pawns would be an escalation of the conflict that would allow Alucard to send his own strongest champions. There are worse things in the universe than Ainz," King Kai said grimly.
Just then, Kazuma felt a familiar tug. "Ah man, looks like I gotta go. You feel that, All Might?"
"Yes, Aqua contacted me a while ago, I merely paused time to let the match finish. You two return to life. Remember: enemy agents are already in your world. Be cautious, and ready for anything. Even I can't see the outcome of what will happen. Good luck."
"Well, at least I've always been lucky," Kazuma sighed, and returned back to life, leaving King Kai and Goku alone.
Once they were gone, King Kai turned to Goku. "Get Vegeta. I'm sending you two on a tour. If this doesn't work, we're going to need all our heavies on this one."
Goku's eyes widened. "That bad?"
"Yes. Haruhi had no idea what she was doing when she agreed to a crossover with Alucard's worlds. Tanya and Ainz are brutal, and effective. The My Hero Academia world has a chance, but if they fall, Alucard can then invade any of my worlds, and he will. And not just Ainz. This is a dangerous game I'm playing, but it's the only way to save Comedy."
"So, I take it I'll need Luffy and Naruto at least? Anyone else?" Goku asked.
"I'm going to introduce you to Saitama. He stayed here instead of going with Haruhi, that was a mistake. We'll also need the Joestar family and Gintoki for starters. This could turn out to be an all out war between the gods. I'm going to speak to Vash in Seinen and Usagi from Shojo. Maybe even CC in Mecha. Alucard has gone too far this time. If it comes to the End of All Things and the War in Heaven, he won't find Shonen sleeping."
Goku nodded slowly. "What about Berus?"
"Believe it or not, he's on our side," King Kai sighed. "I hope. Come on. If we're lucky, Kazuma and Midoriya will succeed."
"And if we're not?" Goku asked as he put his hand on King Kai's shoulder to teleport them.
"Then it's the end of the age of gods."
Author's Note:
$11
Haruhi is powerless against a PVP clan
Ainz is secretly a gold farmer
Social Media should not be your divine outreach
Paragon plays too much Runescape
Chapter 41: Can't Hold On...Much...Longer!Beta'd and Edited by The Grand Cogitator
[img: . ]
Chapter 40: Can't… hold on… much… LONGER!
And that's why he's called Cliff Hanger.
-Between the Lions
For as long as she could remember, all Tanya Von Degurechaff had wanted was to live in order and peace. She didn't want to be out, risking her life, fighting gods and superpowered beings. She wanted to retire to a quiet place somewhere with Visha and live a comfortable life. They had both fought through a dozen wars over the past two centuries, they had more than earned it.
Those who wished for peace, however, were well advised to prepare for war. One day, Tanya would have her peace. Once she had finally fulfilled her obligation to Ainz. She didn't share his particular hate for Aqua, but she was just as bad if not worse than most gods, if only because of her sheer stupidity. If Aqua was Ainz's being X, Tanya would help get rid of her. Then, she could finally retire.
And so, Tanya was preparing. Soon, she would be ready. To cleanse this world, just as she had so many others. It would be harder than most: Quirks were powerful, and worked entirely differently than the magic Tanya was used to. They needed new tactics, and new allies.
Which brought her to a remote mountain pass, watching a heavily armed police convoy through her binoculars as it wound its way towards her. She grinned. They didn't even have scouts. Pathetic. It was like they were inviting her in.
Tanya landed atop the armored police transport alone, coming to rest atop it lightly. She clicked her radio once to signal she was in position. A moment later, two clicks from Visha. Then, maddeningly. "Come on, let's just do this already, Tanya, we-"
"Code names only," she snapped into her line. "Maintain radio silence, Mädchen. Are you in position?"
There was a heavy sigh, followed by two clicks, then two more. Good. At least one of these damned Floor Guardians knew his business.
Tanya swung down into the cab of the transport, using a minor sonic spell to shatter the reinforced glass of the window. She fired two shots, one through the head of the driver, the other through the heart guard next to him. Then, swiftly taking the wheel, Tanya brought the vehicle to a halt on the side of the road. She felt slightly nostalgic to be back in a version of Japan, taking a brief moment to glance at a familiar looking road sign. She would almost regret bringing war to a people not so different from her country of origin.
But they were choosing to worship Aqua in increasing numbers. And it was irrational to pity the enemy.
Turning on the hazard lights, Tanya stepped out of the cab, using an illusion spell to disguise herself as the driver she'd just slain.
"What's going on?" an officer asked, jumping out of the escort car that had been leading the convoy. "Why did you-"
Tanya shot him, dashed to the car the policewoman had been in, then shot her partner even as she was picking up the radio. Quick, neat, efficient, quiet. All the hallmarks of a good operation. She looked behind her to see Aura Bella Fiora withdrawing her hand from the chest of an officer, a grin on her face.
"Alles ist in Ordnung?" Tanya demanded.
"Yeah, yeah, killed 'em quiet, they didn't get a call out. Don't know why we bother, could just do a smash and grab without much trouble," the dark elf child grumbled. Despite having known her for centuries, Tanya had never seen Mare or her brother age in the slightest. That was fine. Tanya had been physically a young adult for the same period.
Such were the benefits from drinking the blood of gods. Though at this point, Tanya was tired enough she wouldn't mind aging gracefully and going to her own rest. Provided Visha was safe.
"We do not wish to attract too much attention. Better if this goes quietly. See to your task," Tanya ordered. She didn't worry about Visha, who knew her business, nor Mare, who was a cold blooded bastard. Tanya approved of that. Aura was far too reckless and eager. Stain and his new recruits were performing under the eyes of some of her veteran gottjager. But they seemed to be working out just fine.
A simple spell opened the back of the armored police transport, revealing Tanya's prize. "Kai Chisaki? Alias Overhaul?"
The bound man looked up at her, blinking, a scowl on his lips. "Who wants to know? Why have we stopped?"
"You may call me Gelb," Tanya said, keeping her distance. Intel said this man's Quirk could destroy matter at a touch, hence why his hands were restrained in special glass cases and he was strapped to a frame that prevented nearly all movement. "The police are dead, but we have little time to chat. So, you must answer me honestly. Know that if you lie, I shall kill you."
"Fair enough," Chisaki answered, twitching slightly. "What is it you want to know?"
"What are your thoughts on gods?" Tanya demanded.
Chisaki let out a bark of laughter. "Now that's an unexpected question! I don't believe in fairy tales and nonsense. There are no gods. If there were, they would be capricious and cruel, to curse mankind with the abominations that are Quirks. The world should be neat, and orderly, and yet, it is in chaos! I would have remade the world in my own image, into one without Quirks! It is filthy! They are all filthy, tainted, and corrupted! They must be cleansed!" Froth speckled Chisaki's lips as he ranted, jerking against his restraints futility.
Ah. A mad dog then. But, a useful mad dog perhaps. "And what if I told you the gods were real, and that they played games with the lives of men?"
"Then I would say my first goal would be to kill them!" Chisaki snarled. "There should be no gods, only men! Why do you ask such foolish questions? Either free me, or kill me!"
"I have an offer for you, Kai Chisaki. I would offer you revenge against those who defeated you. Especially All Might, and the girl, Aqua. Swear yourself to my service, and I shall teach you to bring even gods to their knees. Serve well, and you shall escape the purge that is coming to this world when I bring war upon the fools who would follow hollow gods."
"Why should I serve you, little girl," Chisaki growled. "I am-"
Tanya reached out, putting a single finger on Chisaki's clammy forehead. She gave him a vision. A small one. A series of images and sensations of her battles, of her standing over the bloody corpses of a dozen deities. Of her putting nations to the sword. It lasted only moments, but conveyed lifetimes of conflict.
Chisaki's eyes rolled back in his head, and he gagged and wheezed as his mind was overloaded. Precious second sticked by, but he regained control of himself remarkably swiftly. Perhaps not as mad as Tanya had thought.
"Well. Is immortality on the table?" Chisaki asked, eyeing Tanya appraisingly now. "You couldn't have done all that in a single human lifetime. Especially not and still look like a young woman."
"Serve well, and you shall be rewarded. The blood of Aqua is claimed by my master. But there are other gods to hunt here. You are strong, from what I have heard. And we can always use new generals in my army."
"Then I swear to serve you, Tanya Von Degerachaff.I shall help you cleanse this world, and any others, of filth. Gods included," Chisaki promised. He let out a sudden gasp as a purple light escaped his mouth, streaming into a crystal Tanya had clutched in her left hand.
"Your word binds you. Betray me, and you shall die where you stand, your soul forfeit," Tanya informed him. "That will not end your to serve me, and I shall give you to another master. For those who serve the Great Tomb, death is no release."
She freed him then, and Chisaki rubbed at his arms and legs, hobbling slightly as he followed Tanya back to the road. The twins were there, and Visha, along with the eight men they had been looking for.
"They will serve," Visha informed Tanya. "Our ranks grow."
"Excellent. We return to base then. We need more recruits," Tanya said. "War is coming. And this time, Aqua shall not escape us."
They teleported away in a simple flash of light. It would be almost an hour before it was discovered what had happened to the convoy transporting Overhaul and the Eight Bullets of the Shie Hassaikai. By then, it was far too late to stop what would happen next.
"How are they?" All Might asked quietly.
The masked demon that called itself Vanir looked up from the paper ledgers he had been working on. "The foolish merchant and her child are both sleeping. It seems their fortunes have both been reversed by association with you, O titan who holds up the world on his back and smiles through the pain. When shall you rest, moi wonders?"
"When my work is finished," All Might said softly. "You shall keep an eye on them, then?"
"Moi? No. Moi's work is nearly done, and soon, moi shall depart. It is you who should watch over them, O lonely one. Is it not time for you to put down your burden, hmmm? That is why you sought out the green boy who grasps the sun, yes? To rest."
Speaking with Vanir always gave All Might a headache. He wasn't a stupid man, far from it, as you didn't become the Symbol of Peace by being unintelligent. But he was a very direct man, and Vanir's way of always speaking in riddles and half truths irritated him.
"Speak sense, Vanir. You're leaving? You can go back to Belzerg? How?"
"Oh no, moi has no need to go back to Belzerg. It is time. Moi was weary of life long before moi came to this world. Only for the softhearted woman of perpetual poverty did moi agree to remain on this plane of existence. Moi had but one condition that needed to be fulfilled before moi would seek the death that has been so long delayed. And it is nearly here."
All Might cocked his head to one side. "You're going to die? How? I thought demons were immortal."
"Gods are immortal," Vanir mused as he jotted down something in the ledger. "And yet, there are so few of them left in my realm. One may be immortal, but that does not mean one cannot die. Only that one will not die naturally. Do you know, man who carries the burdens of others yet neglects his own, that upon this world, you have three deities? They are an endangered species, now. Moi's sources tell moi that in all the worlds of Comedy, there are scarce two dozen left. Once, there were thousands. All across the universe, the lights are going out. Moi's food grows scarce. And thus, moi's time is at an end."
"Food? I thought you did not eat. What is it you require? I would be happy to help a friend of Wiz's, perhaps I can get you some."
Vanir chuckled, tapping his nose with a long gloved finger. "Why, you feed moi with your very presence. Indeed, thou art the very essence of despair, man who leads while he himself is lost." Vanir stood up, rolling his neck from side to side as it popped. "Moi is a demon. We, like the gods, feed upon you humans. Gods need prayer and devotion to sustain them. Demons desire something else. Succubi feed upon lust, and other breeds upon different sins. In moi's case, this is the sweetest, most succulent of human emotions: Despair. Moi has fed well indeed these past centuries."
"There is indeed no lack of despair in the world," All Might agreed. "So why do you say you must die?"
"As moi said, one grows weary of living. Moi cared for the scion of perpetual poverty, but moi could not give her what she desired above all else. Thus, moi agreed to delay sweet release until the day when one who loved without a heartbeat could attain what she wished."
"A child?" All Might guessed. "Wiz wished for a child? To live again?"
"In part, yes. But the lost lamb who has found her way home is but a part of the picture. Moi wonders how you humans manage to be so oblivious to what is right in front of your faces. In the case of the woman whose wallet holds less the harder she squeezes, it is understandable. It has been so long since she breathed that she did not recognize when another's blood quickens. Now, however, that cannot last, and her own flesh has ripened. Will you know when yours does?"
All Might shook his head. "I know I grow old. That is why I train Young Midoriya and the others. That they might take my place."
Vanir laughed, a deep belly laugh that had him clutching his sides. "Oh! Exquisite despair! Truly, moi does himself a disservice here! Moi could feast upon you, o man who tends the fields of others yet lets his own trough lay empty, for decades yet!" Then Vanir turned serious. "But moi's time grows short, and those of the flesh have little time indeed. So moi shall be blunt: Why do you come here, man of unfulfilled desires?"
"Why, because my students are here. I come to check on them, to ensure their safety. And to pay homage to Aqua, naturally. Ah, but who can forget the snacks! Truly, these are quite wonderful!" All Might said, taking a bag of black licorice and maple flavored sweets off of the shelf and holding them up.
"No, they are not. They are putrescent. Not even one whose brain has been rattled as many times as yours, o man whose blood rises even as we speak, can enjoy this dross as much as you claim, to visit twice daily."
"Well, if I'm getting angry with you, it's because you keep talking in circles," All Might growled, letting a bit of his frustration and tension through.
"Hmm. And it is not because thy loins have not known release by any hand save thine own in thirty years?" Vanir asked, his voice changing slightly, his words becoming even more baffling and archaic than normal. What was his game?
It was very, very hard for All Might not to punch a hole in the demon's face. He knew Vanir would be fine, but you didn't get to be the Number One without learning how to control your anger, even when you were enraged. "That," All Might growled, "is a very personal, and sensitive subject. Drop it."
"No. Moi does not have time for you humans to faff about as you are wont to do. Take a cue from thy students, who even know recline in the arms of their lovers not far from here," Vanir said with a low chuckle. "Love whilst thou has time, Son of Shonen. For thou art a man, and it is in thy blood to love and lust, to have and to hold. Even thy patron deity hast given thee over to mine own Ladies designs. Why not enjoy life while it lasts?"
"Talk sense!" All Might snapped, slamming his hand down on the counter before Vanir. He didn't put any juice into it, but even so his blow rattled the frame.
"Thou does not come to moi's establishment for moi's company, or even for the questionable repast moi sells. You, o man who is blinded by duty, come to see the lady who breathes once more. She is flesh again. Thou can take her, and bed her, ast thou desires. And, shouldst thou worry, as she desires as well."
That made All Might blink, and jerk back. "What? I, I don't know-"
"Give over, human. Thou might fool thy self, thou might even fool the one thee craves, but thou canst never fool moi. For too long have I seen into the minds and hearts of men. Thou do desire thy lady, doest thee not? Go unto her. The child yet sleeps. Take comfort in the pleasures of thy flesh, and give pleasure, as thou were designed to do. Would not thy Lady, the foolish goddess upon whom the fates of all rests, tell thee to love whilst thou can? Go, O foolish man."
All Might swallowed. "I don't-"
"I heard shouting, is everything alright?"
All Might's head whipped around to see Wiz emerge from the back, yawning and moving a strand of hair out of her face. She smiled at him, and even he could not deny that something stirred within him. "Oh, All Might! It's good to see you! Come to check on Eri? I'm afraid she's sleeping. But she's fine. The doctors say her quirk is gone; Aqua removed it. Perhaps that is for the best. Or did you need more snacks? You do eat a lot! Nearly as much as Midoriya, and he's a growing boy!"
"No, I…" All Might swallowed. Why was it suddenly hard to talk? Surely that damnable demon hadn't been speaking the truth. But he had come by here frequently of late. It had just been for the snacks, right? "I came to see you, Wiz."
That brought a smile to her face, and she beamed at him. "Oh, thank you! I am quite well! Come, would you care for some tea? It's late, but I'd be happy to share a pot with you."
"I'd like that," All Might agreed, and allowed Wiz to take him by the hand and lead him to the living quarters behind the shop. It was just a cup of tea, after all. He didn't have time for love, did he?
Vanir smiled and went back to scribbling in his ledger as the man was led by the woman to his doom. He'd likely enjoy it; humans usually did seem to do so.
"Well, my Lady, have I done as thou did wish?"
A form stepped out of the shadows, not unlike one of the mortals who ran about in those odd clothes they seemed to favor for their whelps here.
"You did good. How'd you figure it out?" Haruhi asked.
Vanir shrugged. "It did seem the sort of thing thou would do, my Lady. But come. Thou did not come here merely to see the fruits of thy scheme, for thou didst know that once her flesh did quicken, the woman would catch the man, as she always does. Thou hast come to me about my cousin?"
"Alucard is moving," Haruhi said quietly. "Strings are being pulled. I know he's doing something on this world, but I can't interfere directly. Neither can King Kai. We do, and he has all the excuse he needs to throw down with us personally. And if that happens, all bets are off."
"Yes. He seeks the same thing I do," Vanir said quietly. "To be true to his nature. To breed Horror, and feed upon it."
Haruhi shivered unconsciously. Vanir did not blame her. She was a young god. Younger than he, despite being his creator. Odd, how that worked. But time meant little to those who existed beyond and before and after it. "But why plunge my reality into chaos? Why not play with his own worlds! He has plenty of them! Is this because I tried to help make some of his people's lives a bit better?!"
"It is his nature to bring Horror, just as it is yours to bring Comedy, my lady. He can do naught else. He seeks to force thy hand, and the hands of other gods."
"So he's going to destroy everything because he's hungry," Haruhi growled. "Damn him."
"That is the idea. Shall you have your champions end him once they defeat the Tomb?" Vanir asked curiously.
"No. I… I couldn't do that," Haruhi said, shivering. "These kids, they need to laugh. Just like-wow. OK, that did not take long. Already? Sheesh. King Kai needs to learn to let his boys blow off a little steam more often. A healthy bit of romance does wonders for you," Haruhi said with a shake of her head.
Vanir chuckled, shaking his head as the waves of lust and passion emanating from the back room. He did give All Might and Wiz credit, they were trying to be discrete, but an empath always knew, even if this sort of thing was more appealing to succubi. They seemed to be keeping things discrete, but at least the two of them were doing those disgusting exchanges of saliva now. Vanir would have to stick around to make sure they went "all the way" so to speak, and hope it didn't take too long.
"And what of you, my lady? Does thou desire romance?" Vanir asked as Haruhi opened a bag of chips and sniffed at them.
"Man, I did too good a job at making Wiz's tastes funny and questionable," the Goddess muttered, making a face and rolling the bag shut. "Me? Nah. Gave it up. You know that. I let my subordinates have their fun, if they're willing to sacrifice for it. But for me? Nope. Not what I need anymore. I just need people to laugh."
Vanir nodded. He understood. He'd never desired the comforts of the flesh, nor would he ever. He had been fond of Wiz, even loved her. But he'd never felt the slightest inclination to take her as a lover, even had he been capable of such a thing. She had wanted him to, strange as it seemed to the demon. He was more of an "it" anyway, just like Haruhi, or even Aqua. It was just easier for these poor, foolish humans to think of him as a him, so he did the same. He'd lived among them for too long.
"Well, keep up the good work then," Haruhi said, dropping the bag of chips. It and the contents vanished before they hit the ground. "And, no killing yourself until we figure out how to stop Alucard, or at the very least, stop Ainz and Tanya."
"Moi shall do as thou biddest, my Lady," Vanir agreed, bowing. "For though I am a demon, I am a servant of God."
"Weird how that works. Guess I did alright when I made you. And… keep an eye on Aqua, alright? She's dumb, but…"
"She is your daughter," Vanir finished. "It shall be as you will."
"Of course. I'm God," Haruhi said with a shrug of her shoulders, and walked off into another reality.
Vanir shook his head. Oh, she was God. Just a very young one. He remembered other Gods, and not merely Alucard or King Kai. "Where hast thou gone, Q-Taro? I wonder, where do gods and demons go when we die? Do we sleep, at last?"
It wasn't something that lingered in Vanir's mind overly long. The children of Comedy were not well known for their self reflection. And like a good punchline, they knew when to land, and when to make an exit.
Several Months Earlier
Ristarte stepped out of the time portal alongside Seiya, cracking her knuckles. "Ooooo, Aqua's gonna get it now!"
"We are not here to punish Aqua, as much as she might deserve it," Seiya said. "We are here so to-"
"Be perfectly prepared to launch our counter offensive against the Tomb, yeah yeah," Ristarte muttered, sighing and walking forward. "I'd just like to teach that good for nothing bimbo a lesson or two. Why the Chief likes her so much, I'll never know."
Seiya shrugged, matching his pace to his wife's, despite his much longer legs. They did have time, though not enough to dilly dally. Director Aisahina had seen to that. "All that matters is defeating Tanya and Ainz once and for all."
"I can't believe those two have caused this many problems. They seemed so nice back when we knew them at that school!" Ristarte lamented.
"Back when you knew them at school," Seiya corrected. "I was still a mortal back then. I only remember what you've told me of the 'crossover experience.'"
"Too bad, really, it was kinda fun while it lasted," Ristarte mused as they approached the gate of the city they'd appeared near.
"Halt! Who goes there? Answer in the name of Kaiser Frederick!" a guard barked, lowering his spear.
His companion sighed and shook his head. "He's not the Kaiser anymore, remember? His father's alive again."
"Er, right. Kaiser Gustaf," the guard corrected himself. "Identify yourselves!"
"I am the god Seiya. This is my wife, the goddess Ristarte Sakido." Bless his heart, Seiya said it with a straight face, and no preamble.
"Listen," Ristarte said, putting herself between her husband and the two very confused mortals. "We know you've just been brought back to life this morning and things are very confusing. We're here to explain why your realm was rolled back. We know Aqua and her group came through here."
"More gods and goddesses?" the first guard said, taking off his helmet and scratching at his head.
"What are you doing?!" Seiya snapped. "You are on duty! To remove your helm is to show a complete disregard for proper preparedness! Have you forgotten the tenets of our religion so quickly after such a short time spent with that NEET Kazuma and his band of hooligans?"
"Hey, Lord Kazuma saved this city! Don't you dare talk badly about him or the goddesses!" The guards lowered their spears again, fury in their eyes.
Ristarte rubbed her forehead. She could feel the migraine coming on already. "Ugh, look, we just need to talk to your leaders. As much as I'd like to re-convert this city, we unfortunately need all of you still worshiping Aqua, and, I can't believe I'm saying this, Megumin."
"What about Lord Kazuma?" one of the guards asked suspiciously.
"He's not a god," Seiya growled. "Nor should he ever be. But knowing Aqua, she's probably recruiting him as we speak."
"Why don't you just take us to your priests, we can discuss theological matters with them, OK? Seiya will even give up his weapons," Ristarte promised.
There was a sharp intake of breath, and Seiya gaped at Ristarte, horrified.
"Oh come on, you know enough combat magic that that shouldn't be an issue here, and you can literally punch your way out of any problem we face!" Ristarte told him, planting her hands on her hips and glaring up at her husband.
Slowly, Seiya drew his sword, and passed it over to the guard, glaring at Ristarte. "… This is going to cost you."
"Yeah, well, I'm sure we'll be busy enough that I'll find another way to keep myself entertained," Ristarte sighed, then made a 'come on' gesture. "All of them, Seiya. We need to get moving."
"… fine."
The guards could only gape as Seiya laid out three broad swords, two long swords, a battle axe, five morning stars of differing lengths, a great maul, two daggers for dual wielding, a claymore (the explosive kind), five hand grenades, an uzi with a double magazine taped together for fast reloads, five knives of varying lengths, a black jack, two sets of mithril knuckles, and a deringer.
"I said all of them, Seiya," Ristarte snapped when he acted as though he were finished.
"See if you like sleeping alone tonight," Seiya muttered, and pulled out two colt .45 caliber pistols with extended magazines, and a greatsword. As if it were an afterthought, he also added a beamsaber. Where he had gotten that, Ristarte wasn't sure, as even she'd not known about it.
"As if you'd ever let yourself be parted from your healer for even five minutes," Ristarte sniffed. Then she smiled at the guards. "Well?"
"Lady Aqua preserve us, he really is Saint Yah," the guard captain, who had come out to observe the display, muttered. Then to Ristarte's irritation, he made Aqua's stupid water wheel sign. "Take them to the Kaiser straight away. More gods. Now we just have to pray the Lord of the Tomb doesn't return as well."
"That's what we're here to prevent," Ristarte said grimly, and followed their escort up the hill. They had a little time to get this realm whipped into shape.
Then, they would see if Aqua had succeeded. Ristarte personally prayed that Todoroki could talk some sense into the idiot goddess. Otherwise, she'd spend the entire time crying and playing video games.
Authors Note:
And on that note, it's time for a break again. Thus, this is the end of Season 2 of This Goddess Must be Crazy. The next season is the last one, where the final battle between Nazerick and UA will take place. You can expect that to land sometime early next year. I did have several chapters written, but I don't like where they went and need to do some re-writes to get this last part correct.
Either way, let me know what you thought of the story so far, and what you are hoping to see in the future. I have a feeling many of you want to see Animepocalypse, but if there are other relationships or matchups you'd like to see happen let me know. The poll for the interlude will also tell me what people are interested. I have a feeling we'll need at least a couple to set the stage, and you can expect those to bridge the gap between now and when the last part comes out.
As always, thanks for reading,
Full-Paragon
Chapter 42: My Cabbages![img: . ]
Chapter 41: My Cabbages!
Groaning, Kazuma stretched and smacked his lips, then reached over and scratched Megumin's back. She let out a grunt, arching slightly like a cat under his fingers.
"Come on, gotta get up, time for school," Kazuma yawned. "Darkness will be by in a few minutes and bang on the door."
"Ugh, just five more minutes," Megumin muttered, stretching out her arms and legs. "I thought you were supposed to be a NEET."
"Yeah, well, I would be, except that, you know, stuff happened," Kazuma said.
"Mmm," Megumin said, lifting her head up as Kazuma stopped his stretching and patted her. "Not a virgin either, are you?"
"Heh, guess not," Kazuma agreed. He considered. "We got a few minutes, you know."
"We do," Megumin agreed with a wide grin, lifting herself up and crawling up to put her hands on Kazuma's shoulders. "Time to start the day right."
After that, Kazuma was wide awake, and he and Megumin washed themselves off in the bathroom and got dressed.
"Morning," Midoriya called from the kitchen. Kazuma could smell frying spam, and not the weird flavors Wiz sold. "Want some breakfast?"
"Sure," Kazuma agreed, frowning as he looked around the crowded room. "Er, when did you get here?"
"We were busy making babies in Mr. Majima's workshop until late last night," Mei said from the floor by the couch, where she was assembling her railgun after making yet more modifications to it. "So we came over and borrowed your spare bedroom since you were not using it."
"Right, OK, that makes sense," Kazuma agreed. He eyed Tokoyami, who was trying to hide behind the morning paper as Dark Shadow sniggered under the table. "And you?"
"Um, er, well, you see-"
"We had a long talk with his parents," Darkness said, sipping at her cup of morning tea. "They agreed that since Aqua approves of our union, it was fine by them if we married, as they have converted to the Axis faith.
"I see," Kazuma said slowly. "And so he stayed over?"
"Yes, I talked with Iris. We have agreed it would be best if we both reestablished our bloodlines as soon as possible," Darkness explained.
"And we're helping!" Dark Shadow piped up.
"Um, yes," Tokoyami admitted, lowering the paper and looking flustered. "So, you see-"
"Megumin, you're on the pill, right? I'm not getting snookered into being a dad at 16." Kazuma asked as he took a plate of spam, rice, and eggs from Midoriya.
"I am not an idiot, so yes," Megumin agreed. She made a face. "I am not ready to be a mother, I think. It would be very hard to control my Explosion magic if I had to haul around a baby."
"And you're being responsible too, right Midoriya?" Kazuma asked.
The green haired boy flushed from where he was sitting with Mei on the couch, eating. "Um-"
"Izuku always says that Eris pads her chest like Aqua told him to," Mei said seriously.
"Super. Morning Aqua. You hiding someone in your room?" Kazuma asked as Aqua stumbled out of her bedroom, scratching at herself.
"Huh? No?" Aqua yawned, frowning. "Why is everyone here? We have a party that I missed?"
"A very special party," Kazuma said, which made Tokoyami and Midoriya both choke on their food.
"Ew," Aqua said, wrinkling her nose as she stole a slice of spam off of Kazuma's plate. "Count me out. You mortals are so gross."
As they left after breakfast, Kazuma soon found that his apartment hadn't been the only crowded one, as Bakugo, Sero, Ashido, and Kirishima exited from next door with Eris, Yunyun, and Iris.
"Wow," Kazuma said with a shake of his head. "This is getting ridiculous. What, did the goddess of love stop by while I wasn't looking?"
"Well, I am a goddess of love and beauty, so it is natural that the rest of you would be inspired by my mere presence," Aqua said with a wide grin as she tossed her hair over one shoulder.
"Even me?" Eris teased as they walked down the stairs. "I did manage to get my own cult started, thank you very much. Haven't had to pee in days. It's kind of nice."
"I know right? Why mortals put up with it, I'll never know," Aqua sighed.
Bakugo eyed Kazuma when they reached the bottom. "What?" Kazuma snapped.
"Nothin'. Just figured you or the nerd would be talkin' smack by now," Bakugo grumbled.
"I ain't one to lecture. What we have to worry about is if one of the teachers shows up and shouts-"
"I am here! To say good morning!" All Might called, which made several students jump from guilty nerves. That is, until they saw from just where All Might had emerged, and who he was with.
"Good morning everyone!" Wiz said, smiling happily as she came out of her shop's door, handing All Might a cup of tea. She was wearing his #1 Axis Follower shirt, which on her was more like a dress that hung past her knees.
"All Might?!" Midoriya gasped. "You mean, you and Wiz!?"
"Oh, er, well, you see," All Might stammered, blushing bright red. "Miss Wiz was, um, with Eri, and I had just stopped by to say hello, and-"
"Nice," Kazuma said, holding up a fist to All Might. "Good for you, man."
Still blushing, All Might hesitantly tapped Kazuma's fist, glancing at Wiz, who was beaming happily.
"Nice one, Wiz," Megumin said, giving the former lich a thumbs up. "He's pretty cool, even if his poses are lame. Anyone who fights Goku is automatically awesome."
"I still can't believe there's no Dragonball here," Kazuma grumbled. "That just doesn't make any sense. How can you have Japan, but no Dragonball?!"
The door opened, and Eri came out, smiling happily and dressed in an elementary schoolers uniform. "I'm ready for school, mommy! Oh, hi, big brother! Look! I get to go to school, just like you!"
"Nice. Just don't be like me and actually do your work and listen to the teachers and stuff," Kazuma said, crouching to look Eri in the eye and give her a hug. "You take care, OK? Anyone messes with you, let me know. I'll sic Bakugo on them."
"Is he the angry scary one?" Eri said in a very loud whisper. "But don't worry, I think mommy is scary enough by herself. Plus, I don't have a quirk anymore, so it will be safe."
"Oh, you still have a quirk," Aqua said suddenly. "I just changed it. You're like me now!"
Eri blinked, frowning. "I'm a goddess?" Like a lot of people in the past few days, she had a Waterwheel Axis icon around her neck. Eris had made a killing selling them, and had managed to get her own order going by association with Aqua through the merchandizing.
"Oh, no, you can just heal people. I'm not really sure how it works, 'cause it's a quirk and not magic, but I replaced it," Aqua explained.
"You rewrote her DNA? How can you even do that?" Mei demanded.
"What's DNA?" Aqua asked, blinking. "I just changed her Quirk. It was really easy, those aren't even written in your soul or anything; they're just in your body."
"Can you give people quirks?!" Midoriya demanded his eyes very wide.
"Huh? No. I could only change Eri's because she prayed and asked me to and she had a lot of faith in me," Aqua said with a shrug. "Not like I'm going to do that for everyone, too much work."
"Speaking of work, we had best head to school," All Might said seriously. "I shall escort you."
That was probably a good thing, as the street was crowded with adoring faithful, who immediately started calling for Aqua as soon as she appeared. Others called eagerly to Eris, holding up coin pendants, the sign of her own faith. The two goddess basked in the adoration and praise, and Kazuma had to literally drag Aqua away to get her away from her fans.
"But Kazuma, they love me! You have to let me help them!" Aqua pleaded.
"No, we're going to school. Weird as that is. Sheesh. You even failed your math test last week," Kazuma grumbled.
"That is because math is stupid! Numbers don't make any sense!" Aqua ranted as Kazuma continued to guide her down the street, the way cleared by All Might before them.
Still, Aqua did a dozen healings just along the block to UA's campus, and Eris did nearly as many. UA itself was surrounded by worshipers, all clamoring for Aqua. She waved to them and babbled some inane platitudes before Kazuma got her past the doors.
"Aww, I miss them," Aqua sniffed, looking slightly depressed as they stepped into the building.
"Eh, don't worry about it. This is great! There's billions of people on this planet, and we've got millions of followers already! I haven't felt this good in centuries!" Eris laughed, grinning widely.
"Yeah, but, I mean, don't they need us?" Aqua said, looking back over her shoulder.
"Eh, they got along fine before we came here. Besides, you've been empowering priests right?" Eris asked.
"Well of course! But it's not the same… I just… I don't know. I feel different, somehow. More… powerful? I don't know, it's hard to explain," Aqua mused.
Frowning, Eris nodded. "Yeah, it's weird. These prayers and offerings feel different, somehow."
"I bet it's because they're shonen or something," Kazuma guessed.
"I still do not forgive you for not bringing me one of Black Star's shurikens," Megumin muttered.
Kazuma threw his hands up in the air. "I asked, OK!? Plus, I was dead! What did you expect me to do!?"
"Get a picture of Goku fighting All Might at least," Megumin groused.
"You have a picture of All Might fighting that guy from when you were dead!?" Midoriya asked eagerly, shoving himself between Kazuma and Megumin. "Can I see it!?"
"Settle down, slugger," Kazuma said, inching away from the rabid fanboy. "Relax. Just ask All Might to tell you about it again. You do realize he's our teacher, and not some mythical being, right?"
"Considering that half my classmates are mythical beings, I'm not really sure what that means anymore," Midoriya sighed as they walked into their classroom.
Everyone got to the desks and stood around chatting for a few minutes, making plans for the upcoming Sports Festival. Mei had expressly been forbidden from blowing up the world again, but had only cackled and promised that she and Midoriya would "bring the worlds cutest babies."
Kazuma was 90% certain that didn't mean she was pregnant, but he honestly didn't know and really didn't care. Everyone could start popping out babies for all he cared, as long as Megumin didn't spring any surprises on him.
The bell rang and everyone quickly sat at their desks, looking expectantly at the door. The clock ticked down for long seconds, only for Mr. Aizawa to fail to show up.
"If he doesn't show up after 15 minus, I'm legally allowed to take a nap," Kazuma said, kicking his feet up on his desk and closing his eyes.
"We should use this time to study, and better prepare ourselves for the academic rigors that are certain to come our way!" Iida declared.
"Ooo, I'll draw a picture for Mr. Aizawa on the whiteboard!" Aqua said, sliding out of her seat and skipping forward.
"Katsuki, you will help me study my Japanese history," Iris ordered, taking her notebook out and frowning at it. "I am not certain I fully understand the Edo period yet."
"Christ woman, you got a better score than me on our last history test," Bakugo grumbled as he complied.
"Well, then perhaps I should tutor you in the history of Belzerg. As the First Prince of the Sword, you would do well to know the history of your future people," Iris sniffed.
Kazuma ignored his classmates' antics, as Megumin and Yunyun started a pose-off competition and everyone else started doing whatever they felt like. What Kazuma felt like was catching a few Z's. He'd just about managed it when there was a pounding of feet in the hall, and his Sense Foe skill triggered. He'd set it to detect when Aizawa was around, so he sighed and took his feet off the desk.
"This is all your fault!" Aizawa's voice snarled as the pounding of feet continued.
"The hell it is! It's all those religious fanatics! Besides, YOU'RE the one who insisted on stopping for coffee!" Ms. Fukuado's voice snapped.
"Argue about it later," Aizawa said as he strode into the room, only for a hand to grab him from behind and jerk him back into the hall. There was a loud, wet sucking sound, then Aizawa stumbled back into the room, flushed and with a smear of lipstick on his mouth.
"Nice," Kazuma said, giving his teacher a wink and a thumbs up. "You finally tap that?"
"Detention," Aizawa snarled at Kazuma. "For lewd remarks and-" Aizawa paused, his jaw dropping open.
"Good morning!" Aqua said cheerily, putting the cap back on her marker and smiling at Aizawa. "You were late, so I drew you a picture! What do you think?"
The picture was of Aizawa and Fukuado, embracing one another and looking longingly into one another's eyes, as a beautific Aqua smiled down on them from above. It was, frankly, a masterwork, something that belonged in a museum, and should have been taught to art students for centuries to come as an example of composition, colors, and emotion.
"…" Aizawa stared at the mural, his mouth hanging open. "… how?"
"I'm the goddess of love and beauty!" Aqua giggled. She patted Aizawa on the shoulder. "Good job! I'm glad you finally stopped repressing your emotions and opened up to Emi! She's been praying about it to me for weeks now."
"WHAT?!" Aizawa roared, rounding on Aqua. "YOU MESSED WITH MY MIND?!"
"No, don't be dumb. I don't do that, that's mean. I just gave Emi some advice," Aqua huffed, puffing her cheeks out and glaring up at Aizawa. "I told her all about the stuff you liked, those mangas and stuff, and what your favorite brand of coffee and cigarettes were. You already liked her, you were just being dumb and refused to admit it. Don't you feel better now? Kazuma and the others always feel better being in love. So did All Might!"
Aizawa blinked at Aqua. "You're certain you didn't mess with my mind, or my mental state?"
"Ugh, no, of course not! I'm not an evil goddess! Look, did you enjoy yourself or not? If you didn't, I have special blessings just for that! All you need to do is sign up for my church!" a parchment appeared in Aqua's hands, and she held it up to Aizawa. "Just sign up! I have loads of satisfied followers. Just ask Midoriya, or-"
"I THINK WE SHOULD START CLASS NOW!" Midoriya half yelled. "THIS FEELS EXTREMELY UNPROFESSIONAL!"
"… right." Aizawa took the parchment for Aqua and set it on his desk. He glanced at the board, then pulled down the projector screen to obscure the masterwork. "Look, you all know what's coming. The Sports Festival is in a couple of days. We've had to make… changes. Also, we're going to have to do something about… that."
Aizawa waved vaguely out the window, and everyone glanced out to see the hordes of Axis and Fortuna cultists gathered around UA.
"I mean, I could tell them to go away," Aqua said, frowning. "I just don't like to."
"Right, I'm sure if you tell them to go away, they'll just all wander off and-"
"Ok, Eris, just send them home," Aqua sighed. "They were getting kind of annoying I guess."
"Done," Eris agreed. "I'm sure we'll bump into a few on our way home."
"People aren't just going to abandon their new goddesses and…" Aizawa trailed off, as the crowd suddenly began to disperse. Within five minutes, the streets around UA were clear, and cars began to drive back and forth. The entire time, Aizawa stared blankly out the window, only blinking occasionally.
"We just told them to go home," Aqua said helpfully. "They seemed pretty happy to hear from us."
At last, when it was clear that the crowd was gone, and not coming back, he walked over to his desk, picked up the parchment, and glared at Aqua. "Fine. But I'm not signing up for your cult."
"I've got one right here for you, sir," Eris said eagerly, pulling out a parchment of her own and hurrying up to hand it to Aizawa. "Fortune favors the bold, you know."
Aizawa muttered under his breath, but signed the parchment, which dissolved into golden sparkles. "Right. Moving on. Sports Festival. Hatsume, no blowing up the world."
"I promise to keep my explosions under a kiloton," she answered seriously.
"Megumin. I'm watching you," Aizawa growled.
"Heretic," Megumin muttered. "This is discrimination."
"Hey, wasn't the League of Villains supposed to show up and attack us or something?" Kaminari asked, scratching at his head. "We never did go to the USJ."
"Well, considering you told the teachers to expect an attack from that organization, we took steps to prevent it. Besides, obviously things have changed. Time isn't some linear path you have to follow," Aizawa answered.
"But we're still having the Sports Festival. Does that mean we're going to do the obstacle course, then a cavalry battle?" Ashido asked curiously.
Aizawa just gave her a long, hard look, until the pink girl flushed and lowered herself down into her seat. "Well, I thought it was a good question."
"Right, get out your English textbooks. Present Mic will be here shortly to begin today's lessons. I have a meeting to get to," Aizawa said, and strode out of the room.
Down the hall in Nezu's office, Aizawa groaned as he lowered himself into his seat, resting his head in his hands. "Emi, was this really necessary?"
There was sheet cake, decorated with the word, "Congratulations' ' written in multicolored letters along with swirls and sprinkles, and a sketch of Aizawa and Fukuando on it.
"Wasn't my idea, but we skipped breakfast so I'm having some," she said, cutting a slice and serving herself.
"Oh no, I had Lunch Rush make it," Kan chuckled as he took a slice. "We had an office pool going on how long it would take you two. I won."
"That is ridiculous," Aizawa muttered as he accepted his own slice of cake. "How did you even know?"
"Kayama," Kan replied, giving Aizawa a predatory grin.
"Dammit, I thought I could trust her," Fukuado muttered. Then she laughed. "Ah well, I suppose the wedding announcement will still be a surprise!"
"We are not getting married," Aizawa growled, then added under his breath, "yet."
"Good morning everyone!" Nezu said cheerily as he entered the room. "And, congratulations!" Nezu passed Kan several bills, then took his own slice of cake.
"This cannot be the biggest news of the day," Aizawa grumbled.
"Oh no, the Prime Minister is coming to deliver that," Nezu said with a shake of his head along with-"
"I am here! For our staff meeting!" All Might sang, sliding into the room. "Ah, cake! Excellent! This will be a wonderful meeting."
Everyone stopped eating as All Might hummed to himself, cutting a slice of cake and dug in. After a moment, the big man stopped, pausing with another bite halfway to his mouth. "What?"
"Oh my god," Fukuado breathed. "You got laid too? Man, something really must be in the air."
"It is," the Prime Minister agreed as he walked in and All Might turned scarlet. Everyone stood, but he waved them back to their seats. "No, no, sit down. Cake? Well, I suppose that fits with the pattern. With me today is Doctor Kimochigaī, to try to explain a rather… unique phenomena that has been occurring lately."
"Ooo, there's cake?" the doctor asked, an older man with thinning white hair and wide thick spectacles. "Might I? Ah, thank you. Hmm, yes, this is quite good? Now where was I? Oh yes."
The doctor pulled out a thumb drive, connected it to the projector, and cleared his throat, dabbing at his lips with a napkin to remove some frosting. "Ah yes. So, things have been very interesting here in Mufasu for the past two months."
"No. Really?" Aizawa deadpanned.
"Oh yes! Quite interesting indeed!" the doctor said gleefully, displaying several graphs and charts on the screen. "First, the statistic I think you heroes will find most relevant. Crime is down 50%!"
"Well, I mean, All Might's here," Kan pointed out. "Who'd be dumb enough to commit a crime under his nose?"
"Ah, a good point!" the doctor moved the presentation forward one slide, which had another chart overlaid over the first. "This is a baseline for All Might's effect on an area's crime. As you can see, he clearly does have a diminishing effect, but something else is happening. And, most interestingly, the reduction in crime is actually highly localized. Here is a list of incidents."
Two maps of Mufasu showed up, overlaying the location, time and date of crimes over a time lapse image, one of the previous year, the other of the current year. On one, there was a slowly expanding radius where crime virtually disappeared.
"What the heck…" Kan muttered, squinting. Then his eyes went wide. "Oh my God. It started when those kids showed up."
"Indeed," the doctor agreed. "Though I will say, this map filtered for a specific kind of crime: Violent crime and other major offenses that resulted in serious charges. Here is an image showing non-violent crimes. Petty things, and often they did not result in charges filed. Things like minor disturbances like public drunkenness, minor sexual harassment, criminal mischief, and a rash of accidental quirk usuage."
This time, there was a dramatic increase in the same area.
"What the heck?" Aizawa growled. "It has to be the kids. How are they causing this?"
"I'm going to need to bring in an expert," the Prime Minister sighed. "Bring him in, Doctor."
"Why, moi always knows when he is needed!" Vanir proclaimed, seeming to pop into the room before he could even be summoned.
"You!" All Might gasped, jerking back. "What are you-"
"Greetings, o man who hath finally satiated his own needs and the needs of my dearest friend," Vanir said with a bow. "Truely, it is a wonder you mortals manage without moi's assistance. Thou would still be stumbling through your idiotic mating rituals were it not for me. But fear not! For moi has come to enlighten you all!"
"Just stick to the topic and hand, Mr. Vanir," the Prime Minister groaned.
"Moi would be delighted to do so!" Vanir laughed. He snapped his fingers, and the presentation vanished, replaced by a picture of Earth. It didn't appear to be a projection at all. Aizawa's eyes narrowed. Magic.
"I shall make this simple. Here, we have thy world. It is a sad, boring place, where nothing interesting ever happens, and where you mortals solve problems with fist and battle. A sad, tragic existence," Vanir sighed, shaking his head. The image suddenly animated, showing a miniature All Might, along with Midoriya and several other heroes fighting against various villains as dust and stars swirled about the apparent battles.
"This is thy world: one of Shonen. Ah, no, do not ask, moi can read your minds: you do not understand. It is simple! This world, it ran on the principles of Shonen, created by the gods who made thy world. It is a long, complicated thing, but make it simple enough your tiny mortal brains can understand it, this world ran on conflict and battle. Good versus evil! Trite, and boring, but it did work. The valorous clashed with the vile, and an endless story of the passions of mortals played out through combat and war. Endlessly, villains arose, and heroes appeared to battle them. Is this not so?"
"Just agree with him," the Prime Minister sighed.
"I understand," All Might said slowly. "Our world was created by King Kai. He told me he valued valor and honor, of growth through adversity, and going beyond one's limits by proving it on the field of battle. Upon reflection, that does mirror my life's story, and that of this world, rather well."
"Ah-ha! So, thou met thy maker, hmm? And what did you think of him? Oh-ho, do not tell moi, it is too much, too delicious! Ah, but we understand genre, yes? Thy world, it had a genre. One could call it 'Action-Adventure.'"
"That sounds asinine," Aizawa growled. "Life isn't just endless fighting. There's more to it than that. There's sorrow and joy. Times of peace. Times of quiet."
"True, true. It is a broad thing. But, even in an action piece, one must have time for quiet moments and even romance, yes? But that is not what the thing is about. We agree on this point?" Vanir asked.
Aizawa nodded with the others, and Vanir chuckled. "O-hoho! Very good! Thou art wise, for mortals! But, as thou knowest, something changed." Vanir snapped his fingers, and another world appeared beside earth, slightly different. The little Midoriya figure let out cry, and keeled over, dead. A ghost floated up out of his body, and a blue little figure appeared, smiling and waving.
"Aqua," Aizawa growled.
"Indeed!" Vanir agreed, and the little Aqua figure raised a staff, returning the Midoriya puppet to life. "But she is no daughter of Shonen."
The little Aqua giggled mischievously, then took out a custard pie, and threw it in Midoriya's face. He gasped and fell over in surprise. Aqua laughed, only to suddenly trip and tumble down a hill, falling to a lake and beginning to cry.
"What is this, a Saturday morning funny?" Kan demanded.
"Indeed! That is what I am, as well," Vanir chuckled. "While moi is a demon, moi is not a scary demon, would you all agree?"
"You're mostly just irritating," All Might muttered, folding his arms over his chest and scowling.
Aizawa squinted at the image of the crying Aqua, then looked over at Fukuando, who's eyes had gone very wide. "What? You see something?"
"She… she's a goddess," Fukuado said slowly. "Are you saying… she's a goddess of comedy? I mean, I think she's pretty funny. I've always liked her, but I mean…"
"She is a goddess FROM Comedy, not a goddess OF Comedy, though moi sees how one so uneducated in theological matters as you mortals tend to be could confuse the issue," Vanir said, sighing dramatically.
"Wait, those crimes… are you saying the dangerous, violent crimes that spark conflict are going down, but the funny mishaps are increasing?" Aizawa asked, a dawning realization coming over him. "There's other things happening too, aren't there? People are changing around her."
"Ah, man who sees that he might blind others, your vision is so limited! Aqua is not changing mere people. She is changing the laws of reality by her mere presence," Vanir lectured. "For example: the sudden rash of romance. Moi fears that the Goddess of Comedy is what you mortals refer to as a 'shipper.' She is rather obsessed with romantic entanglements."
"So I can thank Aqua for Aizawa lightening up at last?" Fukuado asked, winking at Aizawa.
"To a degree," Vanir agreed. "Aqua does bend the laws of reality, but not mortal will. Thy lusts are thine own."
"So we have to decide," the Prime Minister interrupted before things could get even more ludicrous. "If we can afford to keep her around."
"Are you serious?" Aizawa laughed. "Are you actually serious?"
"Oh come off it, Aizawa," Kan said, frowning at him. "I know you're a dedicated atheist and all, but I have to oppose killing or trying to get rid of these kids. I don't care if Aqua is a thousand year old deity or whatever, she's still just a kid, and she's a sweetheart."
He couldn't help it, Aizawa started chuckling, shaking his head in amusement. He reached into his shirt and pulled out the chain Eris had given him, revealing the coin that was the symbol of her church. "Actually, just like half the world, I just converted. No, I mean, you can't get rid of these goddesses. Laying aside the fact that I'm about 90% certain my class could defeat All Might, and I'm not even including the deities, and would certainly stomp whoever you sent to get rid of Aqua, people wouldn't stand for it. Have you been watching the news? The Axis faith is going to overtake Buddhism in the next few weeks if this keeps up, and Erisites already number more than practicing Jews. Within a year or two, they will be the most followed religions on the planet."
"We have our ways," the Prime Minister sputtered. "They're just high school girls! This is a fad, a trend, a-"
"Are you not listening?" Fukuado asked, her eyebrows raised in incredulity. "Look, forget most of their followers, Aqua's best friends with Midoriya and Megumin. One of them can beat up villains not even All Might here can take and make it look easy, and the other one is a multi-kiloton nuclear warhead just waiting for an excuse to go off."
"Not to mention I would personally strongly object to any attempt to remove my patron deity," All Might growled.
"Well, what about him? He's a demon!" the Prime Minister argued. "He could do it, he-"
Vanir's hand fell on the Prime Minister's shoulder, and he fell silent as he looked up at the grinning face of the Duke of Hell. It was no longer an amused or playful grin, but the sort of smile a cat gave a mouse as it played with it. "Oh foolish leader who seeks his own destruction, only an idiot would look to moi to fight the gods. Moi has chosen his side long ago. And though moi and the foolish goddess have long had a petty rivalry, if moi must choose, moi shall drag thee to hell and have done with it."
"But the very foundations of our society," the Prime Minister pleaded. "Our world! It's all coming apart!"
"The Lord of the Tomb is still coming," Nezu said, speaking for the first time. The Principal's expression was grim, his hands clasped before his snout. "Aqua is our best, and perhaps only, hope to defeat him. I say we encourage the spread of her faith. In fact, I have just such a suggestion. I was told she wished to become an idol singer. Well. I happen to have an international stage for her to make her first performance."
Despite knowing full well that Mei wasn't going to (deliberately) blow up the world again, Izuku couldn't help but feel nervous as he waited with the rest of Class 1A to stride out onto the field for his second First Year UA Sports Festival.
The fact that such a sentence even made sense gave him a headache if he thought about it too long.
"Alright, I think that's everything, all systems good," Izuku said, closing the back panel on Mei's brand new suit of power armor.
"Ha! This time, I have extra cute babies for the Sports Festival!" Mei laughed. She bent down and gave Izuku a quick peck on the cheek. "Thank you for helping build this, Izuku. It was much more fun to make babies with you."
"Ok, that one has to be on purpose," Kazuma said, frowning at Hatsume. "There is no way you don't know what you're doing."
"Doing what?" Mei asked, frowning at the other boy.
"The innuendo! It's been nonstop lately! 'Making babies with Izuku,' I mean, come on! Everyone else sees it, right?" Kazuma demanded.
"She's not trying to be lewd, that's just what we call her inventions," Izuku said, glaring at his friend.
"She should have made one for me," Megumin grumbled. "I want a suit of power armor."
"Yeah, except it interferes with your Explosion magic," Kazuma pointed out. "You know that's how it works: you can't cast spells in heavy armor."
"I could have learned how!" Megumin protested. "Besides, the last round is a death match, and I can hardly compete."
"Izuku," Mei whispered while the others argued. "Why is Kazuma upset about us making babies? I do not understand."
"I thinks your talking about sex, because he's a pervert," Izuku whispered back. "You know, like Darkness and Iris are trying to get pregnant. Human babies, not your invention."
"What?!" Mei squawked loudly. "I do not want a smelly human baby! We are always very sure to use Aqua's spell, which I won't say because it would hurt Eris' feelings."
Eris looked up from her conversation with Yunyun and glared at Aqua. "Really? You're still on about that? Seriously? Grow up, Aqua. It's been a millennia already."
"Well, you should just stop padding your chest," Aqua sniffed. "You're still wearing a pushup bra. Be like Megumin! Be proud of the body!"
"Easy for you to say, Miss Perfect Figure!" Eris snapped. "Some of us were born mortal, you know!"
"Ladies, ladies, calm down!" Jiro cried, hurrying over. "Look, it's almost showtime. You ready? Aqua, you remember, you HAVE to sing the song we practiced, right?"
"Ugh, fine, I'll do it," Aqua grumbled. "It's more fun just to make one up, you know?"
Jiro's arrival made Eris look nervous, however. "Um, you sure this will work? I'm not as good a singer as you or Aqua…"
"It's fine, you'll do great!" Jiro promised, giving the reluctant goddess a double thumbs up. "Just have Aqua use that blessing on you, and you'll knock 'em dead!"
"Right," Eris sighed, then managed a smile. "I am a goddess after all, bad time to get stage fright, right?"
"Can't be worse than fighting monsters," Ashido laughed. "Come on! Let's do this!"
For his part, Izuku was grateful he wasn't going to be up on stage performing. Bad enough to fight before a live audience, but singing and dancing really wasn't his thing.
At last the signal came, and Izuku strode out alongside Mei, waving to the audience. However, unlike the last time, it was very clear exactly who the crowd was really cheering for. Giant banners with the Water Wheel symbol of the Axis Faith were held up by the crowd, along with images of Aqua's face as the crowd chanted her name. Eris wasn't left out either, and though she was seen as a lesser deity, there were still posters with the Erisite Coin or people holding up her own icons.
"And now, to give the student pledge, Katsuki Bakugou!" Present Mic announced.
"What, him again?" Monoma said, grimacing. "He's just going to embarrass us like last time."
Isuku wasn't so sure. Bakugo strode up to the microphone, standing ramrod straight, his expression serious instead of bored. He cleared his throat, then saluted, fist to chest. "I dedicate these games to the glory of the Goddesses Eris and Aqua, and to her Royal Majesty Queen Iris Shining Sword Belzerg the First, long may she reign."
The last bit could barely be heard, as the audience had gone ballistic at the mention of the goddesses, chanting their names, and waving their banners. Izuku wasn't really certain how he felt about being at the center of a religious revival, but at least it was going to power Aqua up for when it was time to fight the Lord of the Tomb.
Then, the band took the stage, and Izuku stepped back. In a few short moments, everything was set, with Yaoyorozu on keyboard, Bakugo with his drums, bass played by Tokoyami, Kaminari with his electric guitar, and Jiro and Ashido providing back up vocals and dancing. And, of course, Eris and Aqua taking center stage as the idol singers. They weren't wearing UA track suits, instead Aqua was in her traditional dress, while Eris was in a modified (or rather skimpier) version of her old outfit. She'd even grown her hair out a little, so that it reached to her shoulders instead of the short mess it was normally in.
"Hello, to all my worshipers!" Aqua cried, waving excitedly as the crowd roared. "I'm here to give you the gift of music, a blessing bestowed by the goddess! With me is my junior goddess, Eris! Our first song today is Fantastic Dreamers!"
In this world I have seen with you
Come on! The bell of a beginning resounds
We are fantastic dreamers!
Both of the goddesses were beyond incredible in their performance, mesmerizing in the unearthly beauty of their voices and the perfect sway of their bodies to the beat. Aqua had used a Blessing on the entire band that made them better entertainers, and it was honestly an unearthly experience. They probably could have sang anything and looked and sounded incredible, but Fantastic Dreamers seemed a perfect thematic fit for Aqua and Eris. Weird and wacky, but sweet and kind at the same time.
After the band finished, the crowd went ape again, screaming and cheering in rather un-Japanese-like fervor. They had only been supposed to play the one song, but Aqua suddenly turned to Jiro.
"Hey, what about that song you wrote, Hero Too? I think we should play that too!"
"Oh, um, I mean, I don't really think it's ready," Jiro stammered, blushing, but the crowd whistled and hooted, and began to chant Hero Too until Jiro relented.
"Well, ok. We didn't practice very much, but-"
"Who cares?" Aqua laughed, grabbing Jiro and dragging her out to center stage. "Art is about having fun and doing something amazing!"
Jiro glanced at Eris, but the other goddess shrugged and smiled. "I'm having fun, aren't you?"
That seemed to win Jiro over, and she waved to the crowd. "Thanks so much for coming out today! This one goes out to all the heroes, in this world, and beyond!"
What am I to be?
What is my calling?
I gave up giving up, I'm ready to go
The future's left unseen
It all depends on me
Put it on the line to follow my dream
Yeah
That song got the crowd even more pumped, and when it was over Jiro found her hands collapsed by Aqua and Eris, and the three girls bowed before the crowd.
"I hope you liked that!" Aqua giggled. "But now it's time for the Sports Festival! Go knock 'em dead, Midoriya, because you're my champion!"
"I foresee the final battle," Eris proclaimed, her eyes suddenly glowing. "The Champion of Eris shall battle the Champion of Aqua for the laurel crown." Eris blinked, swaying slightly. "Oh my. I haven't made a prophecy in some time. I suppose I really am gaining a lot of followers…"
"Sweet, but my champion will totally kick your champion's butt. Now come on, let's go help Mr. Yamada with the announcing!" Aqua laughed.
It had been decided that the absolute last thing anyone needed was to see Aqua crying after an event because she'd scuffed a knee or worse, or perhaps simply lost as Kazuma taunted her. Instead, the Goddesses would be overseeing the games. Aqua was thrilled at the prospect of being at the center of attention, while Eris was a little disappointed she couldn't show off her own skills.
"Good luck everyone," Izuku said, smiling around at the others. This had a rather different feel than the first Sports Festival, if for no other reason that it seemed a silly competition now. Izuku had fought for his life both in Royame and against the Shie Hassaikai. A field day was hardly cause for concern.
"Alrighty, let's get this party rolling!" Aqua's amplified voice called a few moments later. "What's up first, Mr. Yamada?"
"Call me Present Mic. Well, we were going to go with a traditional obstacle course, but we decided it was time to mix things up this year!"
"Which is why we're going to have all our 1st Year Students undertake a Quest!" Eris laughed. "I hope you're ready, because this is a Belzerg Tradition!"
"And that you brought lots of mayo and vinegar!" Aqua said, smacking her lips. "Kazuma, Kazuma, use your luck and bring me the tastiest ones!"
"They didn't," Kazuma groaned, his shoulders sagging. "How did they even find them?
"Get ready, Adventurers!" Aqua ordered. "Our cabbages were ordered special from that smug Duke of Hell himself!"
In the distance, Izuku heard a thumping sound, as if a thousand rabbits were approaching. "Um, Kazuma, what is that?"
"Cabbages," Kazuma said grimly, raising his sword. "Lots and lots of cabbages."
"You're kidding, right?" Uraraka said, frowning at Kazuma. "There is no way-"
Out of the tunnels that lead into the arena bounding cabbages with little faces on them began to bounce into the area.
"QUEST START!" Eris cried. "Catch as many cabbages as you can! A regular C rank Cabbage is worth 1 point, a B rank 3 points, an A rank 5 points, and those lucky S Rank Cabbages are worth a whole 25 points! Look out for those rare SSS Cabbages! They're worth 100 points each!"
"But lettuce isn't worth anything, because it's gross and yucky," Aqua put in. "Come on Kazuma, get me some, I'm hungry!"
"Ha! I shall take an early lead!" Megumin yelled, jumping to the front. Immediately, all of the other UA students dived for cover, some using quirks, others curling up into a ball on the ground.
"From the depths of the abyss, I call thee
The searing Crimson of family lost
The deepest black of a fallen goddess
Come forth! Combine, in violent glory!
EXPLOSION!"
"I'm really glad we opted for the energy shield barriers," Eris sighed as the entire arena shuddered and reverberated with the force of Megumin's blast. "Thanks, Hatsume."
"MY BABIES ARE THE CUTEST!" Hatsume yelled as she jumped back up.
"Well, it looks like Megumin is out of the contest," Present Mic sighed. "And she got 0 points."
"What?!" Megumin cried, her voice muffled by the fact she was face down in the dirt. "How is that possible!? I killed hundreds of cabbages!"
"Yeah, you killed the cabbage, but now we can't eat it!" Aqua snapped. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to summon forth a stream of monsters from another world?! I was looking forward to some delicious coleslaw!"
"Thankfully, we accounted for the Crimson Demon clan," Eris sighed. "And we ordered a few more waves of cabbages."
More pounding sounded, and Izuku readied himself as a second wave of produce entered the arena. He let One For All course through his veins, and recited the holy words: "The Goddess Eris pads her chest."
Then he dashed forward, raising a fist and screaming to the sky, "SMASH!"
Unfortunately, Izuku repeated the same mistake Megumin had, and obliterated a large swath of the flying vegetables. Wincing, he lowered the force of his blows, and started smashing cabbages and tossing them into the containers scattered throughout the arena for just such a purpose.
There seemed to be an endless stream of the produce, which was apparently rather aggressive. Instead of fleeing, it attacked the hapless students from the General Studies, Support, and Management courses, who wailed and tried to flee from the belligerent brassicans. Thankfully, there were plenty of Hero Course students who were more than happy to help out. Even Shinso, who Izuku had learned had a quirk that was ill suited to fighting mindless flora, had gotten a spear from somewhere and was expertly wielding it to skewer the careening cabbages.
Mei was blasting away happily with her suit's built in laser, cackling maniacally as she had set her power output from "Extra Crispy" to "Medium Rare" and was both capturing and cooking the vegetables at the same time. Hopefully they would both make it to the second round, but neither of them were that concerned. This was a fun thing to do with their friends, and perhaps a tasty snack.
After about 20 minutes, the cabbages were all slain and contained, and Izuku sat back on the grass with Mei to relax.
"How many did you get?" he asked, panting slightly and taking a swig from a bottle of water.
"I captured seventy five! How many did you get?"
"One hundred and eighteen," Izuku said, blushing slightly. "I pulverized a few on accident though, or I would have gotten more."
"That is very good! You should get first place," Mei said, giving Izuku a big grin.
"I don't know, I saw how many Katsuki and Iris were capturing. They were working together, and they got quite a few," Izuku said, rubbing his chin. "We'll have to see."
An hour long break occurred, as the value of the captured cabbages was tabulated, and the Business and Support courses cooked up a large quantity of coleslaw, stir fry, and other delicious dishes to serve. The students got some for free, and after Eris harangued Aqua for a solid five minutes, the audience received theirs for a modest price. It was very tasty, and Izuku had to be careful not to overindulge, as they still had two events to go.
"How many did you get?" Izuku asked Kazuma as they sat in a group and ate.
"Seventeen," Kazuma said with a shrug.
"Seventeen? Wow, I'd have thought you'd get more than that," Uraraka said with a shake of her head. "I got thirty six myself. Unfortunately my quirk didn't help me out that much, or my spell."
"I got zero," Megumin muttered, staring into her bowl dejectedly. "They didn't count any of the ones caught in my explosion spell, and I was too weak to move afterwards."
"I managed to retrieve twenty eight, a modest number, but I am proud of my sword work," Darkness said, blushing slightly. She was still fairly slow, but she had gotten to where she was at least descently skilled with her blade, and was strong enough to carve steel like tissue paper.
"Dark Shadow and I managed to capture eighty three," Tokoyami put in. "I am quite satisfied with our performance. Though I confess, your display was rather remarkable, Midoriya. I believe you must have gotten the top score."
"Alright, the cabbages have been counted, and the points are in!" Eris said over the loudspeaker, and everyone looked up from their food to listen.
There was a giggle from Aqua, and then she said, "In fourth place, it's the angry porcupine himself, Katsuki Bakugou! He captured ninety eight cabbages, but several of them were too damaged to be counted, because he's a stupid meany. Ow! Don't do that, Eris!"
"Anyway," Eris continued as Aqua sniveled in the background. "Bakugo captured 57 C rank cabbages, 30 B rank, 5 A rank, and 1 S rank cabbage! Sadly, you got six lettuce, which don't count, but you got 197 points! Good job! I am proud to have Bakugou as a champion of Eris!"
"In third place is MY champion, Izuku Midoriya! He did much better, because he didn't obliterate so many cabbages because he's not a jerk!" Aqua snapped. "He got 118 cabbages,and he got 68 C, 32 B, 7 A, 1 S, and ten lettuce, and, um… How many points is that?"
There was a loud sigh from Eris. "It's 224, Aqua. Which means he's actually tied for second with Iris. She got fewer cabbages, but she got two S rank cabbages, so she ended up with the same number of points."
"Well that's dumb, who made these rules!?" Aqua demanded.
"… we did, Aqua."
"Oh. Right! Anyway, first place goes to my very best friend, Sato Kazuma!"
"WHAT?!"
Everyone turned to look at Kazuma, who had a smug grin on his face. "Just wait."
"Somehow, Kazuma managed to get every single SSS ranked cabbage on the field, earning a massive 1700 points with only 17 cabbages captured," Eris said. "Wow. He should be my follower with a Luck score that impressive."
"No, he's MY follower!" Aqua argued.
"Actually I don't follow either of you," Kazuma shouted. "I'm an independent man, who believes in equality."
"WHAT?!" Aqua screamed. "You lived in my mansion in the divine realm for two centuries, Kazuma! You had better be my follower!"
"Yeah, no, that expired as soon as I moved out," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Only goddess for me is Megumin."
"HA! I win again!" Megumin bragged.
"She's not even a goddess anymore!" Aqua ranted. "She gave that up to be with you! You ungrateful little-"
There was a scuffling sound, and Present Mic's voice came on over the sound of Aqua and Eris fighting. "Er, well, we're putting the rest of the scores up on the board! The top fifty-two students will advance to the next round!"
Izuku was glad to see his friends had all made the cut, and indeed, everyone from 1A save for Megumin was advancing to the next round. Megumin sulked for a bit, until Kazuma pointed out she could go do color commentary with Aqua and Eris, which seemed to perk her up substantially. She hurried off as the arena floor was cleared for the next event.
Izuku was just stretching and wondering what the teachers had cooked up when there was a loud popping sound, and Megumin's voice boomed, "BEHOLD! From now on, I, Megumin, Dark Mistress of Explosions, shall be providing you with my deep insights into the coming storm of conflict that will soon sweep over this arena, as our heroes via with blood, sweat, and their very SOULS against the dark powers they shall soon face!"
"Megumin? Who let you in here?" Present Mic's muffled voice said.
"Ha! Only a fool thinks that they can keep a genius of the Crimson Demon Clan out with a simple locked door!"
"… Aqua, you forgot to shut the door when you came in, didn't you?" Eris asked.
"Eh, who cares, this was getting boring anyway, let Megumin do it. I'm going to get something to drink. Let me borrow some money, Kazuma took mine."
"Anyways," Megumin continued as the goddesses continued bickering in the background. "Now, for the first time, I shall reveal to you the next of your trials! Behold! Each of you must be prepared to turn one against another, in a vicious game of cat and mouse, where former comrades can become your foes, as only sixteen of you may dare to face the final challenge!"
"Er, Megumin," Present Mic said. "It's just a simple game of-"
"That is what YOU think, foolish human! For you see, this is no mere game, but a trial to determine who is worthy of our goddesses divine favor! Each of you must gird yourselves for battle, and fight one against another in a vicious game where you must mercilessly pound your foes into submission, while preventing others from doing the same to you, in a primal display of carnage and violence!"
The crowd had grown hushed, looks of horror written across the audience's faces. Kazuma had his hand over his mouth, and was trying to look perturbed, but was fighting back laughter. The members of Class 1C and 1B that remained in the contest looked horrified, but Class 1A had resigned expressions. Finally, Yunyun spoke up.
"Um, Megumin, what exactly are we doing?"
"DODGEBALL!" Megumin cackled. The audience let out a sigh of relief. Izuku just shrugged. It made sense, he guessed.
"Er, right, the rules are simple," Present Mic continued. "The balls will be placed at the center of the field, everyone starts at the edge. You'll divide yourselves up into 13 teams. If you get hit with a ball, you're out. If you catch a thrown ball, that doesn't count as an out, but the person who threw it is still in the game. Even if you are out, until your entire team is eliminated, you're eligible to get to the next round."
"Right." Kazuma stood, dusting himself off. "Same team as last time, what do you guys think? Uraraka, Tokoyami, Darkness?"
"Sounds good to me," Uraraka agreed. "We've battled tough foes before, I think I can rely on you all!"
""I shall endeavor to prevent any balls from striking my teammates!" Darkness agreed eagerly. "Um, and also myself."
"Izuku, who should be on our team?" Mei asked, frowning and looking around. Todoroki's group had quickly joined together, while Bakugo and Iris had nabbed Yunyun and Sero. Which left…
"Hey, Hatsume, team up with us!" Ashido called, jogging over with Kirishima following close behind her. "You two are strong and stuff, and we know each other's abilities pretty well! We'd make great teammates!"
"That makes more sense than trying to team up with a group from another class," Izuku agreed, looking around. Most everyone was sticking to those from their own groups, and unless Izuku very much missed his guess, sticking to those who they had gone to other worlds with as much as possible. It was true he didn't know Kirishima and Ashido as well as Megumin or Aqua, but it was also true both of them would have been hopeless at dodgeball.
"Let's do it!" Mei agreed eagerly. "We're going to show everyone why my babies are the cutest, and why Izuku is the strongest!"
"Man, I'm not going to even argue with that," Kirishima sighed. "I mean, I got pretty strong in Belzerg, even learned some sweet moves. But I saw you fight Iris, Midoriya. And damn. I know I couldn't take her on, but you kept up. Probably come down to you two in the finals."
"Hey, I like our chances!" Ashido said with a big grin. "Come on, we'll win this, right?"
"Yeah," Izuku agreed, nodding. "Four teams can make it to the finals. We can manage this."
"PREPARE YOURSELVES!" Megumin's voice bellowed. "THE TIME OF YOUR TRIAL IS NIGH!"
"… the match begins in one minute," Present Mic sighed. "And to think, I could have had Aizawa here…"
Authors Note:
If you're wondering how Vanir got all those cabbages, all I have to say is; how the heck did you get this far into this fic without going insane?
Anyway, this fic was resurrected thanks to the folks over on my discord, who voted for me to update it in a new monthly poll I'm running. I've started to take commissions for fics, and to make sure I don't abandon old ones, I'm doing both a free poll and a poll for 's monthly (I also started a for my youtube channel/fanfics) for two chapters. This one last months poll discord poll, so at long last it has returned.
Last edited: Jun 23, 2022
Chapter 43: The Real Winner is the Friends we Make Along the Way[img: . ]
"So, what do you think our odds of winning are?" Uraraka asked, stretching as they waited for the clock to tick down.
Kazuma shrugged. "Honestly? Not a clue. I mean, if we had to knock out Midoriya or Iris' team, I'd say we were boned. But I have no idea about anyone else, except maybe Todoroki's bunch. They're good, but, well, I mean, not on Iris or Midoriya's level."
"We do get to start right on top of all the balls," Uraraka observed. Their team had by far the most points, mostly because of Kazuma's stupidly good luck.
"Yeah that's kinda a pain. Sorta paints a target on our backs," Kazuma sighed. He eyed Darkness. "You know this is 'dodge' ball, right? You're not supposed to get hit."
"I understand," Darkness agreed, taking up a ball in each of her hands. "I no longer require strong foes to satisfy my urges."
"That's what I'm for!" Dark Shadow cackled.
Tokoyami flushed, then nodded. "Dark Shadow, keep those balls from hitting us. You shall be our shield."
The final seconds ticked down, and the horn sounded. Kazuma immediately hurled a ball at Subaru. He didn't know why, he just didn't like the guy's smug face very much.
However, the ball vanished in a massive shroud of shadows that surrounded Subaru's team of himself, Rem, and Ram, and of course Emelia. A moment later, a stream of balls flew out of the shroud. Kazuma realized someone was teleporting the balls into the shadows, then they were hurling them back out indiscriminately. He let out a cry and hit the dirt.
Dark Shadow managed to repel the balls from Team Subaru. However, Kazuma had been right about his team having a target on their backs. Everyone seemed to be targeting his team, and though Uraraka and Darkness were returning fire, they really didn't seem to be having much of an effect.
Kazuma stood up, only to get knocked right back down to his feet as the very ground itself shook. He turned just in time to see a giant sized Sato from 1C slam his foot down again, sending dozens of balls leaping into the air. Then Jiro strummed a chord on her guitar, which caused a massive shockwave of sound energy to send the balls flying through the air throughout the arena.
Kazuma could only lay in the dirt and gape as his fellow students began to unleash some of the most frankly ludicrous powers he had ever seen in his life. Dozens of plant monsters sprang up around Shizaki's team, catching the balls and hurling them back. Naofumi conjured up a shield that sucked in dozens of balls, then Raphtalia and Filo along with that kid with a tail started to throw the back. There were half a dozen other teams pulling off ludicrous stunts, from the telekinetic girl stopping balls in mid flight to the French kid firing off dozens of laser beams.
And then, Team Midoriya and Team Iris decided to start taking things seriously. With a bellowing roar, a great dragon swirled into being, its wings flapping to repel any balls that started to get close to Iris's team, Bakugo cackling maniacally on its back. As it did so, Iris began to hurl balls with such force Kazuma was fairly certain they could kill someone if they hit. Except that Midoriya was catching them in mid air and sending a rain of balls down the rest of them.
With a cry, Darkness tried to shield her team along with Dark Shadow, and Kazuma scrambled around, trying to use his Evasion and Luck along with a hastily activated Lurk to avoid them. He was doing pretty good too, until he noticed a laser dot on his back. He turned to see a grinning Hatsume with dozen of balls loaded into her railgun. Kazuma dodged most of them, but he ended up flat on his back when one ball caught him square in the chest.
He could only gaze up into the sky as Iris's team flew around on the dragon, raining down balls from above, as Midoriya dashed around like a green blur, slamming balls into anyone who tried to resist. He glanced to the side and saw the rest of his team down in the dirt. Uraraka looked dazed, Tokoyami looked upset, and Darkness jumped back up and did her best to get hit with more balls until Megumin started yelling at her over the PA system to stay down once she was hit.
In the end, the alarm blared again after only a few scant minutes. The four teams left standing were Iris and Midoriya of course, along with Todoroki's team that had forted up in a massive icy fortress and mostly sat the whole thing out, save for spewing out balls at anyone that got close to them. And, to Kazuma's irritation, even if he didn't know why he was annoyed, Team Subaru.
"Well, that was disappointing," Kazuma muttered, standing and dusting himself off. "From first place to dead last. Oh well."
"That was invigorating," Darkness said, grinning as she helped Tokoyami back to his feet. "I am disappointed our fights are over, but honestly I do not think we stood much of a chance in the final round regardless. I have learned much in the past months we have been here, but I do not think I am ready to face our classmates."
"Yeah, kinda disappointing though," Uraraka sighed. "We're sorta held back by the whole parameters. Not like I can suplex someone into the stratosphere or use our little anti-gravity bomb for dodgeball."
"Well, considering that means Bakugo couldn't, you know, use his dragon to eat us or something, I think that's a fair trade," Kazuam said, watching as the great red wyrm landed, then transformed back into Bakugo's axe. "Sheesh. I just wonder what the next round's gonna look like."
"Well be right back folks, after a brief message from our sponsor!" Present Mic's voice declared as Izuku and his team headed to the waiting room to take a break before their matches.
"I AM HERE!" All Might's voice boomed. "TO TELL YOU ABOUT WIZ'S WONDERFUL SNACK SHOP!"
Inside the break room, Izuku reached for a bag of sauerkraut and mint flavored pretzel sticks, provided courtesy of Wiz.. He normally wasn't much of one for junk food, but it was hard to say no to Wiz when she offered. Plus, they were All Might's favorite brand. That had to mean they were good. Even if the flavor was a bit weird.
He split the bag with Mei as they set to work on running a few checks on her power armor to make sure it was all set for the final round. Unlike everyone else, Mei seemed to enjoy the oddly flavored food, which just reaffirmed to Izuku that they were actually delicious, despite what his taste buds thought.
"Our baby is the cutest now!" Mei declared once they were done with the refit. "It has energy shielding, a built in laser, a railgun, and a jetpack, and hoverboots!"
"It's pretty incredible," Izuku agreed. "With something like this, I could have been a hero even if I were quirkless."
"Well, I know I am not as good at being a hero as you, but I will try my best!" Mei promised. "But you are the one who will win I think."
"I don't know, some of the others are pretty strong. I couldn't beat Iris the last time we fought," Izuku pointed out.
"Well, this time you will, because I have the strongest husband in class," Mei said, and kissed a blushing Izuku on the cheek.
They both turned to look as pairings were announced for the first round. Mei would be fighting Kaminari, while Izuku was up against Yunyun. He nodded, making a fist. He could do this.
Izuku's match was first, and he strode out into the spotlght, letting One For All surge through his veins. He bowed to Yunyun as she nervously stepped into the ring.
"Oh, h-hi, um, one second, I have to do this," Yunyun told him. Izuku paused, frowning as Yunyun scurried to the center of the ring. Then he groaned and closed his eyes as she stood up on one leg, pointing one hand to the sky.
"BEHOLD! I am Yunyun! Chief Archwizard of the Crimson Demon Clan! I am she who wields Advanced Magic, and will one day return to Belzerg to restore my tribe to glory through my dark powers! Today Ishall triumph at the UA Sports festival!
The crowd fell silent, uncertain just of what was going on. Megumin, however, was thrilled.
"THAT'S MY RIVAL, YUNYUN, CHIEF OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN!" Megumin shouted into the mic, making everyone wince and cover their ears. "JUST YOU WATCH! SHE SHALL WIN TODAY, AND BRING GLORY TO THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, MIGHTIEST USERS OF MAGIC IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!"
"That's because there IS no magic in the world, remember?" Present Mic's voice hissed.
"Ha! If there can be goddesses, then I, Megumin, shall channel the dark power of Hell itself, to-OW OW OW! Eris, Aqua stop it!"
"Anyway," Present Mic sighed. "Fighters, ready?"
Izuku fell into a fighting stance as Yunyun hurried back to her side of the ring.
"Begin!"
Power raged through Izuku's body as he shot forward. He was just going to give Yunyun a shove; he didn't want to hurt or kill her, even with Aqua there. He drew back his fist and-
"Teleport!"
The next thing Izuku knew, he was outside of Wiz's shop, blinking in the sunlight. He looked around, baffled. Then slapped his face with his hand. Of course. You just had to ring out your opponent. He shook his head, feeling foolish, and turned to jog back to the stadium. Hopefully no one thought Yunyun had sent him to the moon.
"This is the place, ja?" Tanya asked, looking up at the sign for the seedy bar.
"Yes, Frau Gleb," Stain agreed. He was dressed in a hoodie and ball cap, with a medical mask and sunglasses on. He had with him two of his recruits, a girl with shapeshifting abilities known as Himiko Toga, and a scarred man known as Dabi, but who Tanya's sources suspected was really Touya Todoroki. A delicious irony, that. Both were known serial killers with large bounties on their heads, but they had sworn themselves to Nazarick when Stain had gone recruiting.
Tanya disliked recruiting thugs and miscreants, and hated criminals. They were disorderly, disruptive, and did not follow orders well. She had enough trouble with that already.
"Wow, a bar? Kinda a dumb place to have your headquarters, isn't it?" Aura Bella Fiora laughed, making a face as she got out of the black van. On most worlds, she'd have needed to wear a disguise to hide her odd eyes and ears, but on this Earth, such was not necessary. Pointed ears and strange eyes were nothing remarkable in a world full of quirks.
However, Tanya had insisted that she wear clothing appropriate to this world, and as such Aura had on a t-shirt and jeans, as well as a ball cap that was irritatingly worn backwards. Tanya would have preferred to bring Mare, but he and Visha had other work to do today.
"Then lead the way, Herr Rot," Tanya ordered. "Let us see what this 'League of Villains' has to offer us."
The door to the bar was guarded by a four armed heteromorphic type with grey skin.
"Who the fuck are you?" he growled, standing up from where he had been leaning against the wall. Sloppy. There was also only a single security camera. Whoever this League of Villains was, they did not seem to take operational security very seriously.
Stain removed his mask and hoodie, giving the guard a grin. "I am Stain. We have come to talk about your recruitment notice."
"Holy shit, the Hero Killer? Fuck, boss'll want to see you," the guard said. That was it. No further establishment of credentials, no pat down for weapons, no check for an ambush. Amateurs. The guard opened the door.
"Hey, boss, Stain's here with four more recruits!"
"The Hero Killer?" a voice rasped. "Very well. Bring them inside."
Inside the bar were dozens of low life scum, sitting at tables drinking, or playing cards or snooker. They all looked up when Stain came in. A few sat up, but others ignored him. Didn't they realize they were letting potential enemies into their midst? Tanya almost wanted to walk away: she could do without idiots in her command, but she also wanted more muscle. She needed to make a probing attack against Aqua and her cronies, and these fools would be suitable for such a thing.
The supposed leader of this band of misfits sat at a large table in the corner, a severed hand covering his face. Tomura Shigaraki. He was a child, playing at leadership. He wasn't who Tanya wanted to speak with, but he was a first step.
"Well, I'm surprised to see you here, Hero Killer. Rumor had it you died or quit. Especially after your last two victims were revived by that damned phony goddess," Shigaraki growled.
"Aqua is no phony," Tanya said crisply, taking her gloves off her hands and tucking them into her jacket pocket. "She is the real thing. You vould be vise not to underestimate her, Herr Shigaraki."
Shigaraki cocked his head to one side. "Who is this little girl? Quiet your followers, Stain. You and I will speak alone."
"You are mistaken. Frau Gelb is our leader. I am merely her loyal servant," Stain replied, his tone flat. He rarely spoke with much emotion these days, a consequence of being a Greater Undead. He did not rot or decay, as a lesser undead would, but his emotions were dampened. That was fine by Tanya: most humans were far too emotional.
"Really?" Shigaraki asked, his tone amused. "You follow this little thing?"
"Size matters little, Herr Shigaraki," Tanya said evenly. "So, you hate the gods, do you? Perhaps we can make common cause against them."
"What I hate," Shigaraki hissed, rising to his feet, his fingers twitching slightly, his red eyes burning with the light of madness behind the dead hand of his father. "Is the people of this world who exist behind their facade of lies, built on the back of All Might. He should have stayed dead. Now, I'll just have to kill him again."
"All Might is the tool of Aqua. He has become her mindless pawn. Such is the fate of all those who worship the gods," Tanya said.
"Hey, fuck you bitch!" a man with a sharklike head growled, standing up from his card game. "I worship Eris, and I-"
The shark man never finished that sentence. Aura darted across the room in the blink of an eye, reached into his chest, and pulled out his still beating heart. She crushed it in her hands in a spray of gore before the fool realized he was dead.
"Who else?" Tanya snarled, her gun appearing in her hands as the corpse fell to the ground. "Who else traitorously vorshipps those false gods!?" Despite herself, she could hear her accent coming out strongly in her wrath. And to think; her Japanese had once been perfect.
There were cries of outrage from the villains in the bar as Tanya's group readied for battle, but Shigaraki didn't react with rage. Instead, he cocked his head to one side, like a child who had just found an interesting new show to watch. "You seem a rather militant atheist, Gelb. What, exactly, provoked that reaction? Do you wish to tear down religion so much?"
"I hate all the gods for vhat they have done to me and mine," Tanya snarled, readying a teleport spell. "But the traitorous members of mankind who vorship them are little better. The gods can see through their eyes, hear through their ears. You hate All Might? Well Aqua can learn of your actions through those of your men who follow her, and she vill tell All Might of their every deed. Then, he will hunt you all down. Now who else among you vorships the damnable goddesses?"
"Kurogiri, answer the woman's question. I would like to know myself," Shigaraki whispered, his voice soft and calm, and all the more dangerous for it.
Silently, the bartender pointed to five more thugs in the bar, one of which was sitting near to Shigaraki himself.
The woman near Shigaraki flinched. "Now wait just a-"
Almost casually, Shigaraki reached out, grabbing the woman's head in his hand. With a scream, she dissolved into dust. "Kill them."
The other villains fell upon their former comrades with a will, ripping them limb from limb with remarkable alacrity, considering they had been allies a moment ago. A few more were slain as well, with their supposed friends outed them as faithful to the gods. Savage and undisciplined. But deadly. Best used as shock troops then. Tanya would have to stiffen their spines for her planned assault.
Once that was done, Shigaraki sat back down, scratching at his chin. "Alright. Why don't you sit down and explain to me just why you're here, Gelb. If you seek to tear down the society of fools built on the lies of All Might… perhaps we can help one another."
With a quick hand signal, Tanya got Stain and his followers to relax. Aura gave a disappointed groan: she'd have been happier slaughtering this entire group of fools. "Man. Hey, you, shadow face. You got a washcloth? That jerk made a mess of me when he died."
Ignoring Aura's theatrics, Tanya sat down across from Shigaraki, folding her hands on the table. "I will be direct: I am looking for allies to eliminate the two goddesses and their primary followers. In this, I believe ve share an objective, as All Might is a primary target."
"Yes," Shigaraki hissed, still scratching at his neck and chin. "We had a plan all set to spring a trap on him, but somehow they found the hole in their security we were exploiting and closed that opportunity for us. We were planning on striking at him when he was alone, isolated, but we haven't had the chance. That, however, will soon change."
"Oh?" Tanya raised an eyebrow. "You are planning an operation?"
"We've stumbled upon information that All Might will be taking the first year UA students to a summer camp at a remote location in the next few weeks," Shigaraki told Tanya. "We also seem to have recently created a few more opportunities to join our organization."
"Ah, you misunderstand," Tanya said, giving Shigaraki a cold smile. "Ve are looking for allies, not to join. I am villing to conduct a joint operation, but I am merely the representative of a larger power."
"Oh?" Shigaraki asked, his hands slowly lowering to the table, where they slowly rested on the wood. "And what power is that?"
"An extranational one. A power that does not vish to see your nation under the sway of the gods," Tanya answered calmly. "Ve do not seek dominion here. You vish to topple the Japanese government? Ve can provide you vith aid in this. You merely vish to bring fire and blood to All Might and his friends? That is an acceptable goal as vell."
"I would know who it is you serve," Shigaraki snarled, his hand suddenly darting out for Tanya's face.
She moved like lightning, dodging to the side as she pulled her gun.
TOMURA SHIGARAKI. PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF AN OLD MAN, DO NOT HARM THIS WOMAN.
There was a collective intake of breath from the various low life scum in the bar, and many of them froze as a black portal opened up on the far wall, and a tall man in a black mask slowly strode through.
"She is arrogant, domineering, controlling! She wishes to turn me into a puppet, just as All Might would do!" Shigaraki hissed, still reaching for Tanya despite the fact that she was now out of the booth and had rolled to a kneeling position on the floor. She stood up slowly, turning to bow slightly to the new arrival.
"Herr All For One. I vas hoping to speak with you."
FRAU GELB. THE UNDERWORLD IS ASTIR WITH YOUR MOVEMENTS, the Shadow King rumbled as he walked over to loom above Tanya. I WOULD SPEAK WITH YOU AND YOUNG SHIGARAKI IN PRIVATE.
"Master, you told me this operation was mine," Shigaraki whined, sounding like a petulant child instead of a dangerous gang leader.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED, YOUNG SHIGARAKI. I BELIEVE THIS WOMAN MAY BE ABLE TO ANSWER SOME OF THE QUESTIONS WE HAVE HAD.
"I would be happy to discuss any plans for a mutually beneficial alliance, and am fully empowered to act on behalf of my own organization," Tanya said neutrally. All For One was dangerous. She could kill him if she had to, but she'd prefer not to take on such a powerful foe alone and unsupported. Fortunately, should anything happen, Visha and Mare had her location fixed with a tracking beacon, and could teleport in with the company of Gottjager for extraction. Even death wouldn't stop Tanya from attaining her vengeance against the gods.
THEN PLEASE, STEP INTO MY OFFICE.
A new portal opened, and Tanya stepped towards it. "I expect you to behave as a guest, Mauchin. No killing unless it is necessary."
"You are just no fun," Aura grumbled, but walked over to the bar and hopped up on the stool. "I want a milkshake!"
"We only serve alcohol," Kurogiri informed her.
"Well get me a milkshake! Who do I have to kill to get some service? Milkshakes are necessary!"
With a heavy sigh, Tanya walked through the black portal. She found herself in a laboratory of some kind, flickering lights on monitors and tanks full of dark fluids with shadowy shapes inside of them.
"Some sort of bio-engineering experiments?" Tanya asked, looking around with mild interest. "Creating some sort of quirk based veapons platforms?"
"How do you know about Nomu?!" Shigaraki growled, taking a step towards Tanya.
SHE IS FISHING, YOUNG SHIGARAKI. NO ONE SAVE US KNOWS OF OUR PLANS. COME. LET US TALK. All For One stepped over to a circular conference table that was bathed in harsh fluorescent light from above, and Tanya took a seat, her legs dangling slightly from the tall straight backed chair. Even after two centuries, she was still occasionally irritated at her height. If Visha didn't seem to find it charming, perhaps she would have done something about it by now.
"Before ve begin, I believe it best if ve clearly establish vhat our operational goals and objectives are," Tanya said, taking out a pen and notepad. She had gotten used to the low tech options over time, even when she was back in worlds with proper electronic records keeping.
SO FORMAL, AND STRAIGHT TO BUSINESS. BUT THEN, THAT IS WHAT I WOULD EXPECT FROM SOMEONE WHO IS PRETENDING TO BE A GERMAN. WHO ARE YOU REALLY, GELB?
"A representative of a power opposed to the goddesses, and dedicated to eradicating them and their followers," Tanya stated crisply. "My supposed national origin is not of your concern."
OH, BUT I THINK IT IS. FOR YOU SEE, I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE OF ANY NATION. I BELIEVE YOU ARE LIKE THESE SUPPOSED GODDESSES, AND LIKE ALL MIGHTS NEW PROTEGES. YOU ARE OF ANOTHER WORLD ENTIRELY.
Shigaraki's eyes narrowed. "You think she is another alien, or time traveler? One of those other worldly beings?"
"This is an odd theory, Herr All For One," Tanya replied, keeping her tone even and her expression neutral. "Vhy do you say such outlandish things?"
MY SOURCES WITHIN THE GOVERNMENT INFORMED ME OF SOMETHING ODD HAPPENING AT UA HIGH SCHOOL, ALL MIGHT'S NEST OF SYCOPHANTS. AT FIRST, I DID NOT BELIEVE THEIR WILD TALES OF GODS AND DEMONS AND ALIENS FROM OTHER WORLDS . BUT RECENT EVENTS HAVE PERSUADED ME THAT THEIR TALES ARE NOT SO FAR FETCHED. WHAT ARE YOU, GELB? AN ALIEN? A DEMON?
Tanya considered for a moment, then told a carefully crafted lie with just a hint of truth. "I am indeed from another vorld. One similar to this one. Originally, I vas an officer in the army of a nation much like yours. The gods brought var and destruction to my people, killing all those who served under me. I made a deal with what you would call The Devil, and since then have hunted gods on his behalf. Ve seek allies for our crusade."
I SEE. AND YOU WISH TO USE US AS FODDER FOR YOUR WAR?
"Ve seek allies. Ve would free this vorld, but ve have no interest in ruling it. To hunt gods is a dangerous game. To go alone is foolhardy. Local guides and allies vould ease our vay. You know this All Might, his strengths, his veaknesses. Aid us, and ve vould not be ungrateful. There are rewards for those who cast off the yoke of slavery. Freedom, and more."
I SEE. WE HAVE A PLAN TO DESTROY ALL MIGHT, AND HIS BROOD OF VIPERS. HOWEVER, MORE STRENGTH ADDED TO OUR OWN WOULD BE BENEFICIAL. WHAT CAN YOU OFFER?
"I can commit to a company of Gottjager. They are battle hardened veterans vith military grade equipment and quirks. As vell as myself, and my three commanders, along with Stain and his Zealots, who now number about fifty individuals of varying strength," Tanya answered. Many of those 50 were actually greater undead. It seemed that raised corpses kept their quirks, which made them very useful weapons indeed.
THAT IS A START. LET US DISCUSS FURTHER.
After several hours, Tanya bid All For One farewell, then teleported away, messaging Aura to head back to their base with Stain. Instead of returning directly there, however, Tanya arrived at the safe house located on the island of Okinawa. She had other matters to attend to.
"Ma'am!" Visha gasped, popping into existence next to her. "How did the negotiations go?"
"They went well. No need to be so formal, Visha. We are alone," Tanya said, relaxing slightly to see her oldest and only friend safe, and switching to German. It was the language she shared best with Visha, and these days, the one she thought in most of the time as well.
That made Visha smile, and she leaned in to Tanya, wrapping her in an embrace, and pressing her lips to Tanya's. "I'm glad you're safe. These quirks, they worry me."
"Yes. They are dangerous," Tanya agreed when they parted. "Come. I need a shower, and something to eat before we begin our planning session. Did Aura behave herself?"
"She only killed one idiot that tried to molest her," Visha told Tanya. "I told her off, but I think it was justified. These locals must know to fear us."
"If an idiot attempted something with her after watching her pull a man's heart from his chest, they deserved it," Tanya snorted as they stepped into the house, taking off her shoes and coat. She was about to turn to the kitchen, when she caught the look in Visha's eye.
"You are worried. Do not fear. Our hunt is coming to an end," Tanya told her.
"I know, I just… this world, it's like the one you first came from, isn't it? Back when you were…" Visha trailed off, looking worried.
"Do not think of such things. I am not that individual anymore," Tanya whispered, taking Visha in her arms and drawing her lover close. "I am your Tanya." Even after all these years, it felt odd to say that. How long had it been since they first made love, the night after they had killed Being X? Well, that had not quite been making love. More two desperate, wounded people, reaching out for something, anything, to hold on to in a world that no longer had any foundation. They had slaughtered their own people, reducing the population of their own world from what had once been near two billion souls to perhaps a few hundred thousands.
And they had done it again. And again. Across a hundred worlds. More than Tanya could clearly remember. But it didn't matter. She had Visha. As long as that was true, she could do anything. Would do anything, to keep Visha safe.
Any price would be paid. She had spent too much to invest any less.
Author's note:
This chapter once more brought to you by the folks on my discord, who voted for this story. If you want to choose what story I update next, you can join and vote as well! New poll in a day or two.
Chapter 44: A Vacation! Rest and Relaxation!With special thanks to my betas, The Grand Cogitator and Tabasco
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Various bags and four backpacks lay scattered about the Midoriya apartment, with clothes everywhere, various mechanical contraptions, and what Izuku was fairly certain were enough tools to arm several brigades of mechanics at the very least.
Sighing, he took out the jar of headache medication and tapped one into his hand. He dry swallowed it, closing his eyes and trying to ignore everything. Then he opened them back up to the chaos.
"What do you mean, I need more than three pairs of underwear? We'll only be gone for a week!" Mei was protesting to Inko as the older women tried to pry what looked like a half disassembled Microwave out of Mei's hands.
"Because no daughter of mine is going to wear her underwear twice on a trip!" Inko was arguing as she wrestled for the microwave one handed. She pointed a finger at one of the suitcases, and levitated out a set of custom wrenches.
"No! My babies!" Mei cried, and dove for the wrenches, which allowed Inko to successfully take the microwave and toss it towards the already overflowing trash can.
Mei was a lot of things, but "organized" wasn't one of them. Nor, it seemed, was she terribly good at actually planning a trip.
"I was trapped in another world with Izuku for months, and I only had the one pair of underwear then!" Mei argued, shoving the wrenches back in the bag.
"What?! That's horrible! What did you DO?!" Inko gasped. Then she blinked. "Especially, you know…"
"No, I don't know! People say that and I never know what you're talking about!" Mei said, throwing her hands up in frustration.
"Aqua washed our clothes," Izuku said, taking out his phone. He was very done with this. "And I'm pretty sure Mei used rags. I didn't pry too much."
"I use rags for all sorts of things! Cleaning grease, tinder, patches, and that's why I need some rags for making my babies!" Mei argued, pointing to several rather stained old towels and torn shirts.
"You don't need to take them to summer camp! You need practical things! Where is your swimsuit!?" Inko demanded, rummaging through Mei's half packed bag of only mostly clean shirts and pants.
"I don't need one. I can just go naked," Mei huffed, turning her head to one side.
"You do too, young lady! Oooh, none of mine would fit you… surely you have a swimsuit somewhere?" Inko said desperately.
Kazuma put the phone to his ear, and waited for it to ring a few times. As he did so, he added "swimsuit for Mei" to a list of items he already had written down.
"Hi Izuku!" Aqua's voice said brightly after a few rings.
"Aqua. I need you to come pick up my mom and Mei. Take them shopping. I have a list," Izuku said, forcing his voice to stay calm and rational.
"Huh? Why? I was packing for our trip tomorrow," Aqua said.
"Yes. I know. And I need to pack, and it's not going to happen with them both here," Izuku explained.
"Well, why should I care about that? I was going to play some Animal Crossing. I'm super happy your world has it!" Aqua said brightly.
Izuku rummaged around in the back of the fridge, and pulled out a bottle. "I'll give you a bottle of… Argentinian Red. I just need them out of the apartment for an hour, I promise."
"Well… I dunno…"
"And I promise to let you baptize my first born child," Izuku threw in on a whim.
"Well, now we're talking! I'll be over in a bit!" Aqua hung up, and Izuku contemplated the bottle for a few moments. Then he popped the cork and poured himself a glass while Inko and Mei continued to argue. He'd had plenty of wine in the other world. It wasn't his favorite, but he saw the appeal right at the moment.
It took only about five minutes for Aqua to arrive, as Yunyun had registered Izuku's apartment as one of her chosen locations.
"Alright ladies, it's time to go shopping!" Aqua said brightly, not even bothering to knock before throwing open the door. She was dressed in her idea of an "incognito" set of clothes. Namely, a white blouse, a monogrammed jean jacket with the Axis Cult Logo on it, ball cap with "AXIS GODDESS" on it, and blue sunglasses.
"Shopping?! But we have to get packed!" Inko said, looking up from her argument with Mei about the appropriate number of socks for a week (Inko argued for 10 pairs, Mei claimed four was plenty. Not pairs. Socks. Izuku loved his wife, but it was a good thing he was in charge of laundry and clothing).
"Yes, Mei and I are missing… toothbrushes," Izuku said, and passed his mother the list.
"What?! But I could have sworn we had… oh, and a swimsuit for Mei… yes, I suppose we do need to pop out for a bit," Inko fretted, patting at her hair. "I should change…"
"I do not want to go shopping! It is a waste of time!" Mei argued.
"Aw, come on! We can go pick up some doodads for you to experiment on," Aqua pleaded. "Shopping is fun!"
"Well… if we were to get materials for my babies…" Mei hesitated, and glanced at Izuku.
He gave her a smile he hoped didn't look too forced. "You go get those, Mei. I'll take care of the packing."
"Don't leave out my tools! I need them!" Mei urged.
"I'll make sure we have everything we need," Izuku promised. After a few more rounds of assurance and a promise to his mother that she was fine with just a little lipstick, he managed to get them all out of the room.
The first thing Izuku did was go back to his glass and polish it off. Then he looked around the warzone that the Midoriya apartment had become. Finally, he took a deep breath. "One For All. Full Cowling!"
Thanks to tapping into his divinely enhanced superspeed, Izuku was able to not only pack all the suitcases with an appropriate amount of clothing (for the record, it WAS 10 pairs of socks for the week, and eight of underwear. You never knew.) and the various tools that Mei would need. He figured they would have materials at the camp, and that there was no need to bring whatever scraps and junk he and Mei had scavenged.
"Izuku, we're back!" Aqua said happily, barging in and waking Izuku from a nap on the couch. He glanced at the clock, which read "12:46."
"That… that was…" Inko slumped up the stairs, and slumped onto the couch next to her son. "That was exhausting…"
"Don't worry, we're all packed," Izuku assured his mother.
"We brought snacks!" Mei said happily, bouncing into the room carrying what appeared to be the engine to an old electric scooter under one arm, and a bag of take out in the other. "Shopping can be fun, if you can find new materials for babies!"
"Sure thing," Izuku said. He took the take out and put it at the table, where he, Aqua, and Mei inhaled it in short order. After that, Izuku picked his sleeping mother up, and gently laid her on her futon in her room. "Aqua, you can have the couch."
"Huh? Why can't you take me home?" Aqua said, pouting slightly.
"Because I'm tired, and I'm going to a summer camp tomorrow, and I want to spend what's left of the night with my wife," Izuku explained. When Aqua didn't look convinced, he added, "You know. The baptism thing?"
"Oh, right! Well, I'll just have that wine you promised and take a nap," Aqua agreed.
"I was going to try turning this into a baby," Mei mused, tapping the motor with a finger. Then she turned her oddly shaped eyes on Izuku and grinned. "But I like making the other kind too!"
The morning came all too early, but Inko was up with the dawn, making everyone breakfast, for which Izuku was grateful. It took him a couple of trips, but he was able to fly everyone and their luggage to UA, even taking a detour to grab Aqua's.
Even with all that, he, Mei, and Aqua were still at the bus stop before Kazuma arrived with Megumin, Darkness, and Tokoyami.
"Ugh, why does it have to be so early?" Kazuma complained, rubbing at his eyes as he slouched up to the bus stop, wearing only a single backpack.
"That's not much for a whole week, isn't it?" Izuku asked, frowning at Kazuma. Megumin was carrying only a light pack as well, and while Darkness had a much larger pack strapped to her back.
"There's no way this camp lasts a whole week," Kazuma said with a shrug. "So I packed light."
"Huh? What do you mean?" Izuku asked, confused. "This is supposed to be a chance for us all to train, for when… well… the invasion comes…"
"Uh huh. And when was the last time ANYTHING we did went according to plan?" Kazuma demanded, shifting the pack on his back.
"Well, um…" Izuku considered that, wracking his brain. "… I was able to get packed last night?'
"Super. Well, I just brought the essentials. Besides, I'm an experienced Adventurer. I know how to pack light."
"Oh just tell him already," Megumin said, rolling her eyes.
"Tell me what?" Izuku asked, frowning in confusion.
"The bags are enchanted. Kazuma and Yunyun enlarged them to what Uraraka referred to as a 'bag of holding,'" Tokoyami explained.
"They're bigger on the inside!" a tiny little Dark Shadow squawked from his hiding place under Tokoyami's hood.
"Well why didn't anyone tell ME about that?!" Izuku asked in exasperation.
"Yes, then I wouldn't have had to take out the extra underwear for the salvage I found last night," Mei agreed.
"You what?! Your bag didn't feel any heavier!" Izuku said, turning to her.
Mei shrugged. "Your mother seemed very concerned about that. I took out yours instead."
Izuku put his head in his hands and let out a soft groan.
"Meh. You can just fly back and get it," Kazuma said with a shrug. "Or have Yunyun teleport you."
"Yes, but… Mei, don't you find it gross when I rewear underwear?!" Izuku demanded.
"Well, you can borrow some of mine if it bothers you," Mei offered.
Kazuma let out a hoot and doubled over laughing, while Izuku wondered if he could crawl under a bush and die of embarrassment.
"Um, Mei… we need to talk," Megumin said, putting a hand on the other girl's shoulder.
"Why? Kazuma seems to like wearing your underwear. Why else would he take them all the time?" Mei asked, sounding confused.
Despite himself, Izuku let out a snort of laughter. He tried to cover his mouth, but couldn't help it. He started guffawing, even as a sullen Kazuma glared at him.
"Well, only my boyfriend is really a pervert. Izuku is fairly normal as boys go, most of the time," Megumin explained. "But that's not why Kazuma wants… never mind. The point is… Izuku probably doesn't want to wear your underwear."
"Hmm, is it because it would not fit? His is certainly too big for me," Mei mused.
"As fascinating as this line of discussion is, line up and get on the bus," Mr Aizawa interrupted. He was holding a cup of steaming black coffee in one hand. This wasn't that unusual for him, only this time, his mug was bright pink, with a giant smiley face on one side, and a large black "LOL" on the other.
"Nice cup," Aqua said, smiling at Aizawa as she hefted her bag to stow on the recently arrived bus.
For a moment, Aizawa just looked at Aqua, who blithely smiled back at him. Then he sighed. "From anyone else, I would think that was a jab. But you actually think it's a nice cup, don't you?"
"Well, yeah. Why else would I say it?" Aqua said, frowning.
"Your girlfriend buy it for you?" Kazuma sniggered.
Aizawa took a long sip from the cup, then frowned into it. "You know, only the caffeine in this cup is preventing me from acting on my strong desire to kill you, Sato. Because I know perfectly well that if I did, Aqua could just bring you back."
"Hey! Me dying is not a joke!" Kazuma protested.
In response, Aizawa slurped his coffee, loudly.
Grumbling, Kazuma got his bags onto the bus with the rest of them. Most of class 1A was chattering excitedly, with Iris and Momo talking about how excited they were to go on their first camping trip, and Ida talking with Ochako about various potential team ups and their viability in combat.
Izuku, however, was bushed, and ended up falling asleep leaning on Mei's shoulder even before the bus left the campus. She, in turn, worked quietly on her latest baby, her soft humming soothing Izuku's mind.
This was going to be a fun, relaxing break from everything, where they all got to be kids again. Izuku was sure of it.
There were many things about Tomura Shigaraki that Tanya disliked. He was uncouth, unpredictable, and worst of all, extremely unhygienic. If he were a soldier under her command, she would have forced him to undergo a de-lousing spray and a hose down. No one who scratched that much could be properly caring for themselves.
"So. Our little heroes will be coming along this path, like lost little lambs," Shigaraki mused, gazing down at the narrow and winding mountain road from atop the ridgeline their forces were occupying. This was the fourth time he had said something to that effect. As it was an utterly asinine comment coming from an utterly asinine person, Tanya saw no reason to dignify it with a response.
"You're starting to get on my nerves. Either find something meaningful to say, or be silent," Chisaki said, rubbing at his plague doctor's mask.
"Big talk from a jumped up worm," Shigaraki hissed, standing from where he'd been crouching and turning that odd hand he wore over his face towards Chisaki.
Personally, Tanya considered their choices of battle garb to be hideously impractical and a real liability. Obscuring one's vision in such fashion led to blindspots that an aware opponent could easily exploit.
"Save your ire for our foes," Tanya said, maintaining her at-ease stance, hands clasped behind her back, eyes slightly unfocused and constantly moving to detect any movement. It was not entirely necessary: They had radios and scouts, as was only proper. They didn't even have to work particularly hard for it: a few of the League of Villains' people at intervals of between one and five kilometers along the highway from Tokyo was not hard to arrange, nor conspicuous.
"Ma'am, we've got some potential risks entering our zone," one of her gottjager said, coming up and saluting.
"Explain," Tanya said, nodding to the man. He appeared to be some sort of werewolf or beastkin, with fur covering his body and sharp, protruding canines. But in this world, no one glanced at him twice. How fortuitous.
"The human Stain says that pro heroes, known as the Wild Wild Pussycats are entering the target zone. He says they are competent, and powerful. Shall we take them out?"
"Their numbers and strength?" Tanya demanded, not altering her posture.
"They're nothing but rescue heroes," Shigaraki sneered. "Hardly a threat."
"Hmmm, they're experienced pros," Chisaki said, suddenly scratching at himself in a most uncouth manner. "They have a telepath, an earth manipulator, someone with a physical enhancement quirk, and a diviner. They can be dangerous."
"They're nothing but slaves to the establishment, chaff to be swept away. My lowliest peons could kill them with ease. Are you afraid of such, dog?" Shigaraki laughed, tilting his head back and forth in a weird pattern.
"If you underestimate the pros, it will lead to your demise, boy," Chisaki snarled, tugging at the white gloves on his hands as if to remove them.
Strange that the two of them would have such similar quirks in many ways. It was their hands that mattered, and both could kill at a touch. Chisaki at least had the good grace to behave as a gentleman some of the time, disgusting as the criminal was.
"We wait. Factor them into our plans. Take out the telepath first," Tanya ordered. "We have our communications blackout package prepared?"
"The charges are set and ready. Reception in this area is spotty as it is. It will take the authorities some time to respond," her underling replied, curling his lip at the arguing humans.
"Hold position and readjust targeting priorities accordingly," Tanya said with a slight jerk of her chin to indicate dismissal.
Her supposed ally and newest minion continued to bicker, but it was as the yapping of two hounds. Tanya more than half wished them to die quickly in the first wave. They were useful and powerful, but a complete headache to deal with.
To alleviate some of her tension, Tanya unclipped her radio from her belt. "Gleb to Braun. Come in, over."
Visha's voice crackled in a moment later. They were using models from another world: not as good perhaps as even the civilian models here, but encrypted and reliable nonetheless. "This is Braun. What's the latest?"
"Twenty minutes until estimated contact still," Tanya said. Then, she hesitated for a moment. She nearly said the words she feared the most, but instead went with a soldier's platitude. "Stay safe. Don't do anything foolish. I'd hate to lose my most capable subordinate."
"I will, Major," Visha answered.
It sent a pang through Tanya's chest. She very nearly chastised Visha, but instead said, "See that you do, Lieutenant. I expect you to report directly to me for debriefing after the engagement."
"I look forward to debriefing you as always, Major," Visha said, her tone serious to the point of farce. "Though perhaps you would like to debrief me first. I do so enjoy working under you."
It was only thanks to decades of soldierly banter that Tanya was able to keep a blush off her face and her expression stoic. "The pleasure is mine, Lieutenant. Major, out."
Tanya returned the radio to her belt, then looked out over the mountains, the distant gleam of the approaching buses right on time.
She had gods to kill.
And, more importantly, a reason to live.
"So, tell me again, what is an appropriate activity at this 'summer camp.' I have heard from Big Bro that in Japan, these often feature hotsprings. If so, I shall expect you to attempt various pranks, but only upon me, and nothing too indiscreet," Iris said, trying to sit perfectly still as Yaoyorozu carefully did her hair in a braid as it was draped over the back of the bus seat.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Bakugo demanded, his left eyebrow twitching slightly. "Do you think I'm some sort of pervert like Kazuma?'
"Hey! You do anything perverted to my little sister, and I"ll kick your ass Katsuki!" Kazuma called.
Bakugo smirked. "Don't hear you denying the accusation. "Besides, you know damn well that we've both-"
"Katsuki, behave," Iris said, her tone calm. "And Big Bro, do not disparage my Prince."
"Well tell the Explosive Asshole here to mind his own damn business!" Kazuma said, turning around in his seat to glare at both Iris and Bakugou.
"Kazuma: I expect you to keep your shenanigans limited to myself," Megumin said, not looking away from the widow she was peering though. Traveling on a bus was still something of a novelty for her, as was being in Japan at all.
"Some lighthearted pranks are expected of youths such as us, and I wish for this to be a relaxing and congenial time," Iris explained.
"Well here I was hoping for something more like a conjugal visit," Bakugo muttered.
Iris blushed faintly, and glanced over her shoulder at Yaoyorozu, who was focusing intently on the braid. "I am certain most of us plan… romantic encounters… in the wild. After all, there are no monsters in Japan, yes?"
"Unless you count freaks like Overhaul, not really," Bakugo said with a shrug. "Not like Belzerg."
Iris nodded. "Well, that is-"
EVERYONE! WE'RE ABOUT TO BE ATTACKED! TO ARMS!
Chris' voice seemed to scream in Iris' ears, and she jerked away from Yaoyorozu, gasping slightly in pain from her hair being pulled. She grabbed for her sword instantly, shouting for the bus to be halted.
To her surprise and somewhat delight though, Bakugo put one arm around her, vaporized the window with the other, then pulled her close and tumbled out of the new hole in the side of the bus onto the pavement below. For a normal person, hitting asphalt at 100 kph would have resulted in serious injury or even death, but for Iris, it was no worse than hitting uneven grass at a brisk jog. It wasn't pleasant, but she had only some mild bruises and scrapes.
Both she and Bakugo rolled into the ditch at the side of the road, bringing weapons up and scanning their surroundings. Behind them, the roof of their bus exploded as Izuku shot up out of the ceiling, and all three of the buses were coming to abrupt stops as their classmates exited, many of them taking Bakugo or Izuku's exit method instead of waiting for the doors to open.
A moment later, Chris appeared beside Iris, daggers drawn. She wasn't in her Eris form today, though Iris knew the goddess could call upon her divine powers at a moment if need be.
"Sorry, didn't get a flash until we were right on top of them. Only warning was that I couldnt see the next five minutes of future, then it all stated to go hazy," Chris panted, looking around. "It's got to be the Tomb."
"You can see the future? Why didn't you tell us that shit before?!" Bakugo demanded.
Chris gave him a dark look. "I'm the goddess of Fortune. Not just luck. I'm not exactly a prophet, but-"
There were explosions up the slope ahead of them, and a roar followed as landslides began.
"Dammit, they're cutting us off!" Iris snarled. "It's an ambush, we're surrounded!"
"Well, that makes things simple," Bakugo laughed, and he raised his palm to send blasts of fire and destruction into the forest. "Shoot in all directions until there's nothin' left!"
"Why are they stopping?" Shigaraki demanded, looking down as the buses careened to a halt, and young heroes began pouring out. He pointed an accusatory figure at Tanya. "You screwed this up!"
"We are dealing with the gods. One of them must be a precognitive. It is common," Tanya said with a shrug. "It matters not. They are within acceptable parameters. Detonate the charges."
While the buses were not caught in the landslide as Tanya had hoped, they were still cut off in front, and her forces were advancing up the highway. Her fliers were already getting into the air, ready to engage and establish aerial superiority, led by Visha. Tanya could have taken to the skies herself, but she planned to lead the ground assault.
Raising her rifle, she grinned, allowing herself to experience the rush and joy of combat once more.
"GOTTJAGER! LET US HUNT!"
Izuku fought for altitude, kicking his legs as hard as he could to try and get up above the level of the peaks so he could survey the ground and get an idea of what was happening. He heard the explosions and felt the shockwave, and he looked down in horror. Fortunately, the buses had stopped before they would have been caught in the blast, but that didn't mean they were safe.
Something streaked towards Izuku, and he dodged as a burning missile nearly hit him. He continued evasive maneuvers as more and more projecties, some simple bullets, others obviously quirk creations, began to fill the air. A few moments later, he saw a number of forms rise into the air, coming after him.
Down the road, Izuku could see a number of vehicles approaching, as well as tiny figures spilling out onto the highway from the woods and rocks. This was clearly a well planned ambush, and he swore to himself. This was supposed to be a secret! How had their foes known?
He didn't have time to consider that further, as he turned himself, racing towards the flying figures that were attacking him. One of them appeared to be vaguely draconic, with large black leathery wings, and a dark scaly face. They also appeared to have a fire breathing quirk of some sort, as Izuku had to dodge a gout of flame from them. Additionally, they had a rifle and some grenades they obviously intended to drop on Izuku's friends.
With a pang of regret, Izuku punched the air hard enough to send a mass of air into the wings, which audibly snapped. The dragon-man fell to the earth, howling and spinning. Izuku didn't have time to watch it fall though, as he exchanged more blows with others attacking him. A few bullets bit at him, some drawing blood with magically enhanced penetration or materials, but most simply pinged off his skin or the enhanced suit from Mei he was wearing.
After a brief skirmish, Izuku struck down most of those he could identify as quirk users. They seemed more disorganized and aggressive, and few of them were carrying firearms. The others, however, seemed more alien, and were flying with strange glowing devices on their legs, something about which made Izuku think "Magic" instead of "Quirk." Additionally, these were all armed with firearms of some sort, and were flying in formation and supporting one another instead of attacking randomly.
When Izuku charged them or fired off air blasts, they scattered, looping about him and coming in from all directions. Izuku wasn't really used to aerial combat, and when foes came at him from below or above, it was disorienting. Though their weapons didn't individually injure him much, they were both distracting, and dangerous enough that he was taking minor wounds, and those were adding up, and it was tiring him quickly.
And Izuku wasn't sure how much longer he could keep this up.
Down below, Iris and the others were fighting a desperate battle against a wave of Quirk users. Before they had all spent time in other worlds, the young heroes likely would have been shocked, or hesitated, especially to use their more deadly abilities and risk taking a life. Now, however, none of them had any such qualms. Deadly laser beams, devouring plants, and balls of fire streaked out towards the foe, along with blasts of magic, and of course….
"EXPLOSION!"
Half the mountain on the right was instantly vaporized, along with nearly all of the enemies there. They had been a mob of quirk users, and Iris had ordered Megumin to simply take out as many of them as possible. With that handled, Iris turned her attention to the other half of the battle.
She and Bakugo moved through the field like twin blades of death, leaving a wake of ash and blood behind. Bakugo used both his quirk and axe freely, severing limbs and heads where his blasts didn't shred his foes, always watching Iris' back. For her part, she used her blade to send out waves of pure destructive force, as well as a melee weapon. Along with their allies, they soon rebuffed the attack, and the survivors of the enemy force fell back in disarray.
"Was that all?" Iris panted, looking around at the battlefield. It didn't seem anyone on their side was seriously injured, and a blubbering Aqua was running around and offering healing to any who needed it.
"That can't be it. That was a goddamn joke," Bakugo growled, spitting to the side.
Unhappily, Iris nodded. "Stay alert! This is not over yet."
Tanya watched dispassionately as the League of Villains was wiped from the face of this world. Most of them died in the massive detonation from that mage that was supposed to serve Aqua. What was her name? Ah yes, Megumin. An annoying brat drunk on her own power who lived for devastation.
Well, she was limited to one such attack a day. So it was clear enough now.
"Heh, even with these quirks, those humans aren't worth much," Aura Bella Fiora laughed. She smirked at Shigaraki, who stood hunched over, watching his followers die. "Does it bother you, to see how worthless that walking waste is?"
"They're nothing but trash. Weaklings fit only to serve as meat for the grinder," Shigaraki hissed.
"Well, that's a commendable attitude to have," Aura said, then took out a lollipop and stuck it in her mouth. "Is it time for us to actually get serious, Tanya?"
Tanya surveyed the battlefield, then nodded. "You may engage. Send in the beasts."
"Cool! I've got some new pets, and they're bored!" Aura took out the lollipop, then stuck her fingers in her still sticky mouth and whistled. "Hey boys! Come out and play!"
In the valley below them, the earth shook, and horrors from beyond human nightmares howled.
Author's Note:
This chapter brought to you by the Letter D
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And the Letter P
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Last edited: Oct 2, 2022
Chapter 45: Kazuma Sato: NEET in TightsChapter 44: Kazuma Sato: NEET in Tights
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Beta'd and Edited by Tabasco and The Grand Cogitator
The earth trembled, and the gods of old walked the earth once more. Fearsome, nightmarish beasts emerged from the forest, from giant bears with eight limbs and fangs that dripped venom, to multi-headed tyrannosaurs that breathed fire, to things beyond description or human reckoning. The only real trait they all had in common was their hunger for human flesh, and they poured down the slope and towards the highway, baying for blood.
High above, Izuku continued his desperate aerial dance, only able to growl to himself as several winged horrors lifted off and began to beat their wings in his direction. He could only fire off more air blasts, dodge incoming fire, and then slam his fist into one stubborn opponent, sending them tumbling towards the merciless ground below. Even with his strength, he was being overwhelmed, and those new creatures were going to get to him. He gritted his teeth and prepared to make a last desperate stand.
Then there was a sharp crack, and the air distorted as a projectile snapped past, trailing a gust of wind. One of the creatures, some sort of dragonfly-winged worm that was spitting acid, blew in half. There was a roar of engines, and Mei's brand new mecha flew up towards Izuku, a massive rifle cradled in her arms.
"NOW CONFIGURING FOR SPREAD MODE!" Mei cackled, her voice booming out of a speaker. "SAY HELLO TO ADORABLE BABY NUMBER THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHT!"
The railgun whined and began to glow, and there was another deafening report as hundreds of marble-sized steel balls shot out at several times the speed of sound. A dozen of their opponents were shredded in an instant, not even magical armor or quirks able to save them from the sheer destructive power of pure, unadulterated, SCIENCE!
"Thanks, Mei! I love you so much right now!" Izuku laughed, launching himself with a kick after the remaining foes.
"I love you too! Did you see my baby, Izuku!? I do not normally like building weapons, but after my success previously I decided I needed some upgrade!" Mei cackled, and fired her gun again.
One of the more disciplined enemy formations moved to engage Izuku, led by a woman with brown hair and eyes, wielding an old-style rifle that glowed with inlaid spell work. As Mei held off the monsters, Izuku charged. One last push, and they'd gain aerial superiority.
When dozens of beasts broke cover and charged their position, the thing that ran through Kazuma's mind as he gripped Aqua's arm and transferred mana into Megumin was "Not again."
"Seriously!? Is this a boss rush or something?! Those guys are totally cheating!" Kazuma ranted.
"Aren't we cheating too?" Aqua asked, shuddering slightly as Kazuma pulled mana out of her.
"I mean, yeah, but we thought of it first. No fair them making a move," Kazuma grumbled. He glanced over at Tokoyami and Darkness, who were bracing themselves to receive the onslaught. "Too bad it's light out right now. Be real handy if things could darken up a bit."
"How much darkness do you need?"
Kazuma glanced up to see that jerk, Subaru smiling at him, a bit of dark magic flickering in his hand.
"Enough that bird brain can go whole hog on the kaiju stampede," Kazuma told him, jerking his head at Tokoyami.
"If you can make it black as midnight, then my soul can run wild, and I shall unleash my inner demon," Tokoyami said, flourishing his cloak. Kazuma was convinced that Megumin had been a bad influence on him.
"One funball of infinite midnight, coming up!" Subaru said, raising his hands over his head. "Satella, your beloved calls for you! Let the curse be made manifest!"
In a wide sphere in front of Subaru, darkness enveloped everything, including Darkness herself. The Crusader, Tokoyami, the vanguard of the onrushing monsters were lost to sight. Various screams, roars, cries of pain, and moans of pleasure escaped. Kazuma wasn't sure about the first few, but he was pretty sure who was getting their freak on in there.
Even as Dark Shadow and Darkness enjoyed themselves, Iris went sailing by with a wordless scream, that jerk Bakugo hot on her heels laughing maniacally.
"Are you crazy!?" Kazuma shouted after them. "You could get killed!"
"SHUT IT, PERV, THE REAL MEN ARE FIGHTING NOW!" Bakugo roared.
Before Kazuma could further protest, Uraraka charged in with half their classmates, the other half standing behind them and unleashing waves of destruction and blasts of power and energy.
"You know, I think they might be OK," Aqua mused. Then she glared at Kazuma. "Are you quite done yet? That's cold!"
"I dunno, you topped off yet, sweetie?" Kazuma asked Megumin.
"If you are going to give me a pet name, I demand that it be sufficiently awe inspiring, such as Enemy of All That Live, Mistress of Destruction, or your Dark Goddess!"
"It's a yes or no question," Kazuma sighed.
"I am ready to unleash destruction upon our foes once more!" Megumin cackled, standing up and flourishing her cloak.
"Sweet. IRIS! Pull back! Chuuni Boom-Boom is ready to go again!" Kazuma shouted. He turned to Megumin. "That's your official pet name."
"What!? I demand a cooler pet name! That makes me sound like a delusional child!" Megumin argued, stomping her foot exactly like said child.
"Don't be silly. I'm not a lolicon," Kazuma said, which earned him a smile from Megumin and a roll of the eyes from Iris. "You're a delusional addict. But you're my delusional explosion addict. Now, what say we make this a tandem performance?"
"Hmph. Fine. But I am still calling you Pervzuma," Megumin grumbled. Then she gave him a lecherous wink. "After all, you are free to do whatever perverted fantasies enter your mind, so long as they are with me."
The line of UA students (and guests) pulled back, even as more beasts came forward. Kazuma and Megumin jumped up on top of one of the buses, and posed back to back.
"BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN SATO! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND SHE WHO IS A FALLEN GODDESS OF DESTRUCTION!"
"AND I AM KAZUMA SATO! HE WHO HAS TAMED A DARK GODDESS, AND THE ADVENTURER WHO HAS MASTERED EVERY SKILL!"
"EXPLOSION!"
Tanya watched in mounting fury as Aura's monsters were systematically slaughtered. What was this? Quirk users, even high end ones, were not supposed to be this strong. These were high level monsters, with layers of magical resistances to mundane means of attack, prepared especially for a world such as this with little to no mana. Yes, a few quirk users, All Might being among them, should have been able to take out perhaps one or two, and the gods and their champions could account for a few more, but this? This should be impossible.
"Only a fool denies what is in front of her face," Tanya snarled, shaking her head. She looked up towards the sky, and let out a gasp of horror. Seeing her troops slaughtered was one thing: but now she was seeing Visha in dire peril.
"Aura! Take command!" Tanya barked, and flew off into the air without a moment's hesitation, snapping her rifle to her shoulder. She fired as she flew, aiming for that green streak in the air. That was supposed to be Izuku Midoriya, one of the champions of the gods and a powerful quirk user. He should be eliminated first.
Most of Tanya's rounds went wide: not even she was perfectly accurate against a highly mobile target while she herself was moving at incredible speed, but her focus intensified as she saw her target battling Visha fiercely. Her Lieutenant could only dodge and weave, most of her Gottjager already dead.
At last, Tanya scored a hit, though not a fatal one. One of her magically infused bullets hit Midoriya in his right shoulder. Unlike in the movies, Tanya knew that a shot in the shoulder was crippling, and often fatal in combat. Someone with a damaged arm wouldn't be throwing any punches, nor would they be able to defend themselves. In fact, with her high powered rifle, it was likely she'd hit a major artery, and without treatment, her victim would bleed out in short order. Next, she turned her sights on the quaint little powered armor flying around, and aimed for a vital point.
"ONE FOR ALL! ONE THOUSAND PERCENT!" Izuku roared, and cocked back his… right arm!? That should have been impossible!
Unfortunately for Tanya, she had spent most of her time as a Horror character bullying hapless Comedy victims. This time, she had made the mistake of giving a Shonen Protagonist a Flesh Wound.
Which as everyone (who isn't a soulless office drone) knows, only makes them much more powerful.
The blow Tanya took hit her with the force of a literal hurricane, and sent her spiraling out of control. She lost sight of Visha as she was tossed about like a leaf on the wind. She didn't have time to recover though, as Izuku was right on top of her, body crackling with power, eyes blazing with unmatched fury. It was then that Tanya realized she had just threatened this boy's loved one, and that this might have been a slight miscalculation on her part.
She managed to dodge the next punch, jerking to the side and hastily casting a shield spell followed by a stabilization one then she pulled out her pistol and fired her entire clip into Izuku's side, hoping against hope to do more than piss him off. She was somewhat gratified to see him cry out in pain and tumble from the sky. She smirked to herself, ready to-
"DON'T YOU DARE HURT MY IZUKU!"
Tanya had just enough time to turn about before she was clubbed in the head with the barrel of a rail gun. She had enough time to think about how stupid it was for her opponent to be using a ranged weapon in melee, and then two lasers popped out of the mech's torso.
"Scheisse."
Down below, most of the horrors had been cleared out by the twin Explosions. Iris, however, was still having a rough time of things, battling against a multi-headed hydra with metallic flesh and corrosive breath. From what she recalled, the proper way to deal with a hydra the size of a Greyhound (the bus, not the dog) was to cut off a head then cauterize it.
Taking a page from Kazuma's book, she decided to skip to the part where she just killed it.
"Bakugo! Detonation on my mark!" Iris barked. "Kill this wretched thing!"
"I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK SHOP!" Bakugo cackled, jumping forward and spinning his axe to sever three heads at once.
"MARK! SACRED EXPLODE!" Iris shouted.
"HOWITZER IMPACT!" Bakogo roared at the same time, and together they blew the body of the hydra to smithereens, which was of course the more direct route of taking care of it.
Still though, more horrors came towards them, each seemingly more nightmarish than the last. To Iris's disgust, she recognized several Poison Slimes, though horribly mutated and twisted, from Belzerg's own collection of deadly beasts. They had been extinct before the Tomb had taken over, but it seemed they were back, and with a vengeance.
Behind Iris, the rest of her classmates, and even the other classes, gathered, preparing one final defense. It seemed like with one last push, they would be able to fight off the monsters.
Then, Iris saw people riding on the back of the creatures. Some of them had the odd forms of locals while more, along with the armor and weapons, she recognized as Gottjager. Thankfully, she didn't yet see any high-level enemies from the Tomb, but that could change.
"Those poison slimes are going to be a problem," Iris said, spitting to the side and glaring at the oncoming foes. She didn't even flinch when a few blasts of energy detonated near her. It was all too common now.
"Ah we can just blow those fuckers apart like the rest of them!" Bakugo laughed and tried to hide a wince. It looked like one of his ribs was bruised. When that had happened, Iris didn't know, but it was miraculous that no one on their side had died so far.
"Resurrection!"
Iris glanced back to see Aqua picking up one of the kids from another class and dusting him off. She recalled his name was Sato, just like Kazuma, but beyond that he was utterly forgettable. He seemed to have been gored by a bull-like beast, but the water goddess had just picked him up and restored him to life.
A thought flashed through Iris's mind, and she shouted, "Aqua! Can you purify the slimes?"
"Of course, that's easy for a goddess like me!" Aqua laughed, skipping forward despite the raging battle all around her. She raised her hands and pointed, and the heavens opened up as the waters of the deep raged to the surface. "Sacred Create Water!"
Iris smiled in satisfaction as the poison slimes were instantly wiped out, while the rest of the horde was staggered. Some of the people got washed away in the torrent, and the rest were dazed and stunned.
"NOW IS OUR CHANCE! CHARGE!" Iris put word to action, and spirited forward, swinging her sword with all her might. "FOR BELZERG!"
Tanya was truly on the ropes now. She'd managed to dodge the lasers and had even put a few bullets into the mecha, but that damn Midoriya was back now and stronger than ever it seemed. He moved with such power and speed that even her magically enhanced senses and frame could barely keep up. This was a losing battle now, and Tanya knew it. She couldn't exactly track the battle below, but she could tell things were not going well, even with Aura Bella unleashing her various monstrosities. If the battle for the skies was lost, all was lost.
But she wasn't ready to give in just yet.
Tanya flew as fast as she ever had, using illusion magic, smoke grenades, flash bangs, and burning dangerously fast through her ammo on full auto to keep Midoriya off of her. It was somewhat easier to dodge the bursts of air, and he was clumsy compared to her, propelling himself forward by literally kicking the air so hard he was able to practically swim through it.
She just had to maneuver him just right, to get him into the position of the trap she had full confidence was already baited for her.
After some fancy aerial maneuvers, Tanya had the positioning just right. She flipped over on her back, aiming her rifle and firing off another burst, grinning madly. Despite all these years, this was the only time when she felt truly alive: when she fought for her life on the battlefield, risking it all against a foe that could crush her like a bug, if only they could come to grips with her.
Today, she triumphed again.
"OPEN FIRE!" Visha screamed from across from Tanya, and she and the remaining aerial Gottjager began to fill the air with explosive rounds, flak bursting all around Tanya
Midoriya and his mechanized companion cried out in pain as the shrapnel and magic bit into them. Tanya grinned, and pointed her rifle right at Midoriya's head. One more champion down.
Before she could pull the trigger, something bit into Tanya's back. She gasped in pain, blood spewing out of her mouth. Her muscles went limp, and she felt herself falling. Glancing down at her chest, she saw an… arrow? An arrow was sticking out of her chest, its metal head poking between her ribs. That would be her right lung then. It had probably nicked her heart as well.
Before consciousness fled from Tanya, she felt someone's arms wrap around her, and she smiled. Visha. Her beloved Lieutenant. Always there.
"Gotcha, bitch," Kazuma grunted, lowering his bow. It had been a one in a million shot to hit that blonde freak, but luckily, Kazuma made those sorts of shots all the time. He turned to Megumin, who was laying flat atop the bus, still limp. "Eh? What did you think of that shot?"
"Ten… points," Megumin gasped.
"WHAT!?" Kazuma pointed up at the sky. "That was literally an impossible shot! No one else could make it! How could you rate it-"
"On a ten point scale," Megumin clarified, giving Kazuma a mischievous grin. "Mere arrows do not deserve the same grand rating that an Explosion does. Speaking of, yours is… fifty points. A novice's effort."
"That's because unlike SOME people, I'm more than a one trick pony," Kazuma grumbled, fitting another arrow to his bowstring and scanning for targets of opportunity.
"That is not what you said last night. Perhaps I should force you to bed down elsewhere this evening," Megumin sniffed.
"Pff, you're too weak to stand, I'll just have my way with you," Kazuma said, aiming at the eye of an oncoming octopoidal bear-thing. He let loose, and the giant creature bellowed in rage, tentacles flailing about as it was blinded.
"Oh, you would molest a helpless young maiden? You truly are Pervzuma," Megumin huffed, though she was blushing furiously. After a pregnant pause, she added, "If you could give me a bit of mana, perhaps I could assist you with ravishing me."
"Sorry, I'm running near empty myself, and someone's gotta watch your backside," Kazuma told her with a wink. "Personally, I rather enjoy it. Your robe fell at a very interesting angle."
"Well then hurry up and win so that we can-"
Megumin was interrupted when Izuku crash landed on top of the bus, coming down with a pained grunt. In his arms, Kazuma caught sight of a bloodied form that had one of his arrows sticking out of her chest.
"Ok, what the hell, Izuku! Why didn't you let blondie die?!" Kazuma demanded. "Is that the Godslayer? Just crush her!"
"No time, incoming!" Izuku grunted, and above Kazuma there was the sound of gunfire.
He looked up in time to see Mei in her mecha fire off her railgun, shredding two of those flying soldiers. Letting out a yip, he dashed forward and touched Izuku's chest, chanting, "Lesser Heal!"
With that, he keeled over, having expended the last of his mana. He managed to lay down next to Megumin, and take her hand. "Well, it looks like we'll have to postpone that ravishing. I'm gassed now too."
"Pity. I am most in the mood after a satisfying Explosion, and seeing you fire off one as well had me in an amorous mood," Megumin said, then shifted just a little to put her head next to Kazuma's shoulder, and immediately fall asleep.
"Dummy. We're in the middle of a war," Kazuma yawned. But then he went to sleep anyway. Might as well not die tired, right?
Jumping back, Iris barely avoided a crushing blow from her opponent, a giant of a creature with a beak like that of a bird, and an exposed brain of all things. It didn't seem to be one of the magical beasts her foes had summoned, but it was powerful indeed, its blows strong enough to injure or even kill her if she was unwary.
"SACRED SWORD TECHNIQUE!" Iris snapped and grinned in vicious satisfaction as she drew blood, her thousand blows piercing the creature's chest.
However, the creature just ignored the flurry of blows, reaching forward with both arms. One clawed hand was sliced away, and an eye was put out, but the thing managed to grab Iris by the arm and rip away her sword, sending her slamming into the ground face first. She spat out dirt and blood as she was lifted into the air again, but refused to be cowed. She pointed one hand down and fired off a burst of energy that blew her foe's head clean off, and sent her tumbling across the ground.
When Iris came to rest, she found herself looking up into the bichromate eyes of a grinning elf girl. Something about that smile triggered every warning bell in Iris's soul, and she fired off a detonation spell that sent her skidding away in the direction she had come. She rolled to a kneeling position, breathing hard, and looked around for her sword.
A whip cracked through the air, and Iris cried out as it bit into her shoulder and sent her to the ground again, bleeding profusely.
"Well, you're that lost heir that had Demiurge all worked up! Guess it's time to fix that little mistake, isn't it?" the elf girl laughed, walking forward with her whip cocked for another blow.
"BACK OFF TWERP, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS KINKY WITH PRINCESS!"
The elf stepped to the side, frowning and hiding behind a giant worm that erupted from the ground, taking Bakugo's attack for her, though she was still buffeted by the blast. "Haven't you heard it's rude to interrupt someone when they're playing? Oh well, at least this should be more fun than standing up there and watching."
Iris scrambled for her sword, diving for it and managing to grab the hilt. She staggered up, raising it to a guard position, gritting her teeth despite the pain.
"Oh? Guess you're tougher than average. Well, I'm not supposed to do anything reckless, so I suppose I'll let my pet handle you," the elf sighed.
Iris blinked, then spun, deflecting a blow that was surely meant for her head. A man in a ragged cloak, a long tongue hanging from his mouth appeared, twin blades snaking for Iris' vitals. Ordinarily, it would have been child's play to deflect them, but as injured as she was, she could barely fight him off.
"The mistress demands you die," her foe, who Iris vaguely recognized as the one they called "Stained" hissed. He gave off the stench of undeath, which explained why he was working with the Tomb.
"You've killed your last hero," Iris growled, and attempted to launch an assault of her own.
Before she could, she noticed something odd. Stain's off hand sword flicked down, to a damp spot where Iris had bled into the ground a little. He brought his sword up to his lips, just as Iris was lunging for him.
Every muscle in her body locked up at once, and Iris crashed into the stranger's blades. One went into her chest, and she tried to gasp in pain. Behind her, she heard Bakugo screaming as he battled the elf, but he was obviously occupied.
"Your body shall serve the Tomb," Stained hissed. "A hero no more, you shall-"
A rocket propelled boot slammed into Stain's cheek so hard Iris heard bone snap. The next thing she knew, she was in the arms of Ida, even as Uraraka slapped her side.
"Get her out of here!" Uraraka ordered, turning to face Stained, who despite what should have been a broken neck by the new angle of his head, was getting back up. "I'll deal with him!"
Iris could only watch, still paralyzed, as Uraraka and Stained faced off. Stained's swords were swift, but as Uraraka could basically fly, he couldn't touch her. The fight ended conclusively only moments later, when Uraraka got off a spell that made the swordsman weightless.
Stained floated up into the air, struggling to get a purchase, but it was too late. Uraraka picked up a fallen tree truck, turning it weightless. She swung it with all her might, slamming it into Stained like a baseball bat. One half of the already dead villain went north, the other south. Uraraka waited until both halves were at a lethal height, then released him. They splattered to the ground, and this time didn't move again.
Then Iris was in Aqua's arms, and healing magic washed over her. She gasped as she was able to move again, and staggered up. "Bakugo!"
"Relax," Aqua told Iris, smiling. "The battle's over."
"What!? That elf, she is of the tomb, and-"
There was a sonic boom, and something slammed into one of the last Kaiju so hard that the creature's body caused a landslide. Then an entire iceberg formed, cutting off half the remaining enemy soldiers.
"FEAR NOT!" All Might bellowed, standing up, his blue eyes burning with fury. "FOR WE ARE HERE!"
"CURSED CRYSTAL PRISON!" Wiz shouted, and another monster was frozen solid.
"Sorry it took us so long," All Might said, flexing as he turned towards his foes. "We were dropping Eri off at school."
"Took you long enough," Bakugo panted, leaning on his axe. "Almost… almost finished up here."
"Huh. Well, guess this one's a bust then," the elf said. She frowned at Wiz. "Your time will come, traitor. To become human? How disgusting. Next time, this is for keeps."
Then she vanished into thin air, causing All Might to blink in confusion. "What…?"
"Camouflage spell, then a teleport item," Wiz said, coming to stand beside All Might. "That was Aura Bella Fiora. One of the Generals of the Tomb. If she is here…"
"Then we do not have much time," All Might agreed. He turned back towards Iris and the other students, his face grim. "I am afraid summer camp is canceled."
"Man," Mineta said, sighing heavily as he sat down, his scalp bleeding. "And here, I wanted to see Ram in a swimsuit…"
Iris closed her eyes, and set down, hard. One battle was won. But these had just been pawns.
She didn't even see as Aqua hurried over, and began healing one of her old friends.
The Godslayer wasn't out yet.
Author's Note: Brought to you by my discord and ! Join the madness and vote for your favorite fics of mine to update.
Chapter 46: May I take Your Order?[img: . ]
Beta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator, DR_Feelgood, and Philosophysics
Brought to you by my s, who are determined to see this madness through!
"We may have little time, so I will be brief," All Might said, looking around at his students, who had once more confirmed that they were as much heroes as anyone else. "If an invasion of our world is to take place, we need to get the information out to heroes globally. There is no reason to think that the enemy will strike Japan alone.."
They were back at UA already in the main auditorium, though it was mostly empty. The first year hero students were there, along with most of the faculty, and several notable heroes such as Best Jeanist and Endeavor, who was sitting by his son and looking grim. All Might was up on the stage with Nezu, Iris, and Izuku, while the rest of them sat in rows, listening to the dire news.
"That's because you haven't read enough Light Novels," Kazuma said, sounding bored. "It's always Japan, and it's definitely going to be Tokyo."
"I mean, it could be New York too," Izuku said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.. "Or maybe Los Angeles?"
"Life is not a video game," Nezu warned, steepling his fingers. "And while we tend to think of Japan as the most important location on the planet by virtue of living here, why not establish a beachhead in a sparsely populated, poorly defended location, and attack from there? We know they have agents here in Japan, but why not in Angola, Nicaragua, or Papua New Guinea?"
"'Cause Ainz is from Japan, duh."
All heads in the room swiveled towards Aqua, who smiled guilelessly back. "What? He is."
"I thought you said the Lord of the Tomb was a lich," Aizawa growled, leaning towards Aqua and causing her to cringe back slightly. "Why do you say he's Japanese?"
"Because he was isekai'd. You know, like Kazuma, Subaru, and Tanya. He was just, um, in another Division, so, uh… he was a bit of a big meanie," Aqua said, giving Aizawa a nervous grin.
"Sometimes, Aqua, I wonder how much useful information you have rattling around in that head of yours, and how much of it is pure nonsense you make up on the spot," Aizawa growled, pressing an index finger to her forehead. "Is there any other incredibly important information you'd like to share with us as we try to plan the defense of the entire world?!"
"Ow! Stop it!" Aqua complained, and after a moment, Aizawa relented. "Hmph. Well, Ainz is obviously a smelly undead, so holy magic is super effective. And uh, he's got lots of vampires and demons and stuff that work for him, and some really gross bugs."
"We killed the bugs," Kazuma said with a heavy sigh. "You weren't there, but I did this flour thing and took 'em out. Tsukuyomi squashed the rest."
"Well, there goes fumigation off our preparation checklist," Endeavor said with a roll of his eyes. "The real question is, how do we counter this with what we have at hand? And would other nations believe it? I certainly wouldn't, if Shoto hadn't told me himself."
"I have spoken to some of the top heroes in other nations that I have connections with and intimated that an attack is imminent," All Might stated. "It's also not entirely a new concept: the prospect of someone having a dimension-hopping Quirk has come up before, though it's been entirely theoretical until now."
"Who the hell cares? They show up here, we kick their ass like we did before," Bakugo growled, jerking a thumb at Aqua and Chris. "We got these two for a reason. They clean up all the spooky crap, the rest of us stomp the rest of it. Easy."
"Don't be crass, Bakugo," Iris told him icily. "These monsters have destroyed countless worlds, my own included. If defeating them were so easy, it would have been done by now."
"Then we need information," Nezu said with a sigh. He frowned over at All Might. "How is that… effort… working thus far?"
The big man shifted uncomfortably. "I am… not sure. I do not like seeing such methods employed, even against the cruelest of villains."
"The God Slayer is more than that, and whatever happens to her, she deserves it," Chris said with a snort. "The one time I actually approve of handing someone over to a demon…"
"Wiz is there, nothing too heinous can happen, right?" Izuku said hesitantly.
"Meh. If it does, she can just bring the bitch back," Bakugo said with a jerk of his chin towards Aqua.
"I didn't do it the first time just so you could torture her!" Aqua snapped, going red in the face.
"Then why did you do it?" Endeavor demanded. "Because otherwise, it looks like you were just helping the enemy."
Aqua looked down, tears in her eyes. "Because… once… we were friends…"
There was silence for a few moments until Bakugo laughed. "That's the stupidest fucking thing-"
"Bakugo!" Iris said with a stern glare, which quelled him. Then she turned to Aqua. "Goddess, that is perhaps the most asinine thing I have ever heard. Surely you had a better reason, such as gathering intelligence."
"WHAT?! That's the exact same thing I was going to say!" Bakugo protested, standing up in outrage.
"No, you were going to be a rude idiot about it. Iris has class," Kazuma told him with a smirk.
"That's rich, coming from you," Bakugo muttered.
"Regardless, we should be grateful Aqua did resurrect the God Slayer," Nezu said with a shake of his head. "And we had best hope that Vanir can extract something useful from here. Otherwise, we go into this near blind."
The discussion continued with ways to combat the coming of the Tomb, but one thought loomed over all:
What, exactly, would Vanir be able to extract from Tanya, and what horrific means would he use to do so?
"Thank you for choosing McDonalds, my name is Tanya, what can I get for you today?"
"Uh, can I get um… uh…"
Tanya gritted her teeth, and tried very hard not to snap the pen she had in her hand as she listened to the fool in the car that was in her drive through.
"Um… can I get a… Whopper with curly fries?"
"Sir, this a McDonald's. I can get you a Big Mac with french fries," Tanya said, forcing her voice to remain chipper. "Would you like to make it a meal?"
"Uh, what about a roast beef sandwich with… onion rings?"
"I am afraid this is not an Arby's, sir. We do not carry those products. We do have the Filet O Fish or a Crispy Chicken sandwich," Tanya said sweetly, but that eye twitch of hers was back.
"Tanya!" Visha called, popping her sweaty and irritated face into the back. "Some kid pooped in the play area again, I've got to shut it down and clean it up again!"
"In the middle of the dinner rush!? Do you have any idea what that will do to our-" Tanya forced herself to stop and take a breath. "Yes, health and safety regulations must be followed. Go and see to it at once."
"Right, on it," Visha said with a heavy sigh, and turned to go. She paused, then turned back. "Oh, Demiurge called in sick again, and Shalltear is still out from those burns. So, uh, they want us to work another double shift again…"
"Yes, that's fine," Tanya said, her left eye twitching slightly.
"Uh, can I get a 15 piece chicken nuggets?" the moron in the drive through asked. Tanya was not certain how the idiot had ever managed to pass the written portion of the Driver's License test. She doubted he was literate.
"I can sell you a 10 or 20 piece nuggets sir," Tanya snarled as Visha left, then forced herself back to calm. "Which would you prefer?"
"I want a 14 piece nugget meal," the man insisted.
"Fine, of course, you got it," Tanya said, and punched in the 20 piece meal.
"But that says 20 piece, I can't eat that much!"
"Oh, that's an error, sir. I assure you, there will only be 14 nuggets in the box," Tanya said in her most chipper tones. "What will you be having to drink?"
"I want a Diet Pepsi."
"Sir, we serve Coca Cola products. I can get you a Diet Coke."
"No, I want a Pepsi! I don't like Diet Coke."
"We do not have Pepsi, sir. We have Coca Cola products."
"Fine! We'll take a regular coke. Friggin' bitch, can't even do your job right."
"Yes, sir," Tanya said, forcing cheeriness into her voice, and imagined strangling this mouthbreather with her bare hands. "One coke."
"Ah, Ms. Degurachaff," Ainz, her manager, said, walking by and looking at a clipboard. "We're out of coke syrup, going to have to order more."
"Are you kidding me?! PROCUREMENT IS YOUR JOB! Why did you not order sufficient quantities of syrup, AGAIN!? This is the second time this month that we-"
Tanya dreamed of yelling at her manager, of chewing him out, and of quitting this humiliating job and getting a better one. But after having been fired from all her previous employers, this was literally her last option. She could not afford to fail.
"Oh, thank you for letting me know sir!" Tanya said cheerily, then cued her mic. "I'm sorry sir, we're out of regular coke."
"YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT, HOW DARE YOU-"
Her shift was long, and exhausting, and the first drive through moron was far from the only one she had to deal with. And of course, Sebas failed to show for his shift too. As the manager, Ainz SHOULD have been the one to keep the restaurant open, but no, he had to go home at 10pm, which left an exhausted Tanya and Visha alone in this godforsaken place all night.
Again.
They finally crawled home at 6 am the next day when Cocytus actually managed to show up for his shift. Their car had broken down last week, so that meant that they had to take the horribly inefficient American Public Transportation system, and share a bus that smelled of unwashed bodies and urine with a rambling and clearly insane homeless man, and two teenagers who appeared to be performing fellatio in the back. Tanya was too tired to care.
When they stumbled in, Visha tried to turn on the lights, but, of course, it didn't work. The lightbulb had burned out yesterday, but they hadn't had the time or the funds to replace it. They sat in the dark, and Visha put the bag of greasy and now cold food on the table.
"It's your favorite, for breakfast. Cold fries and chicken nuggets, with Powerade," Visha said, exhausted. She rooted around in the bag, setting the now soggy mess in front of Tanya, then rooted around in the bag for a few more seconds. Then she burst into tears.
"It's fine, the nutrition is adequate," Tanya said, and didn't look down at her belly, or Visha's second chin. They'd both been putting on weight, but they didn't have a better source of food, and hours in the back of a hot kitchen didn't leave one much time for exercise.
"I-I forgot the ketchup," Visha whimpered. "I can't do anything right!"
"You're tired, I'm tired. It is sufficient," Tanya said, though she did feel a pang of anger at the lack of condiments. "Perhaps there is some in the refrigerator."
There was, though that was the only thing aside from some moldy bread and rotten milk. She gave Visha two packets and took one for herself, and they had their pathetic meal. Then they crawled into bed, which was an old mattress on the floor, and lay there, exhausted, but unable to sleep.
"You know the worst part," Visha said, her voice ragged and exhausted.
"That we cannot currently afford air conditioning," Tanya guessed, as the temperature continued to rise. It was not even 8 am, but it would soon top 100F, which irritated her as a voice in her head whispered that it should be 38C. June in Phoenix Arizona was not fit for human habitation.
"That we have to do it again in a few hours, and again, and again, and again," Visha groaned, covering her face with her hands. "It's just not worth it…"
Tanya felt her mouth go dry. "It is… better than the alternative."
"I should just kill myself. Then you wouldn't have to pay my medical bills at least," Visha said bitterly.
"No!" Tanya sat up, glaring at Visha. "Do not even consider such things!"
"Why, Tanya!? Why should we keep going through this!? It's pointless, it's stupid!" Visha demanded.
"In three months, we will be evaluated, and I am confident we will get the highest marks, and a raise, which would-"
"Oh, great! Then we'll be paid $7 an hour instead of 6.75! We can go broke slightly less quickly!"
The argument devolved from there, Tanya didn't even remember most of it. She and Visha ended up sleeping with their backs to one another. It was an exhausted sleep, full of nightmares, and as the temperature rose, she panted, the heat of the day making her feel like she was in hell.
Oh, but you are in hell, dear Miss Degurechaff. Don't you remember?
Jolting awake, Tanya gasped for breath, then on reflex, tried to struggle against the restraints securing her to the table she was laying on. Her prisoner jumpsuit was stained with sweat as though she were in an Arizona summer, despite the cool, almost cold air pressing against her skin.
She looked around, her eyes slightly wild, only to see the masked demon leering down at her, that damnable grin on his face.
"What was that!? That is not- what you did is against the articles of war!" Tanya babbled.
"Oh?" Vanir gave her a puzzled look, putting one finger to his lips. "Moi has studied your much vaunted articles of war many times. Moi finds no clause about giving a prisoner a dream where she is gainfully employed in a prosperous American city."
"It was all just so inefficient! I could think of a dozen ways I could have improved that establishment to be more profitable, and secured a raise and better wages for myself! The forms for requisitions alone were needlessly labyrinthine! And that ICE CREAM MACHINE! Damnable thing, I could have easily found a more competent mechanic that could have kept it fixed!" Tanya raged.
"Vanir? What are you doing to her?" a worried female voice called.
"Oh, nothing she doesn't deserve," Vanir chuckled, an evil grin back on his face.
"You're supposed to be asking her questions about Nazerick, what are you doing?" Wiz asked, her voice still slightly muffled as if distant.
"Breaking her," Vanir purred. He came closer to Tanya, reaching out to stroke her sweaty and tangled hair. "Hmm, that one was not bad enough, oh no. Hmm, moi thinks next time, you shall be employed at a Panda Express, here in Japan…"
"Do your worst, monster, there is nothing that you could do to break me, I-"
"-one that does not follow food and safety regulations."
"YOU FIEND!" Tanya raged, struggling against her bonds. "You cannot do this to me! What are you doing to Visha!?"
"Oh? You wish to see?" Vanir put a finger to Tanya's forehead. "See."
It was cold, and Visha's breath puffed in the air, her lungs burning, her arms feeling like leaden weights. She desperately hoed at the ground, trying to break up the soil, but it was useless. She slumped on her hoe, all hope gone. The frost had come early, and the entire crop was going to be lost. She wept bitterly, her tears freezing on her cheeks as she looked at her shriveled turnips and potatoes. Lost. It was all lost.
There was a noise behind her, and she spun. Dread filled her heart, and she dropped the hoe, ran to where the car had just pulled up to the farmhouse, her thin leather shoes slapping on the frozen earth.
"Please, we have nothing left! There is no money, no food!" her father was pleading before the grim faces of the invaders. He was on his knees, begging, blood already crusting his lip and gray beard, his cheek still bleeding from where he had been struck.
"Inexcusable. I have seen the reports of this region's production in past years. You are well below quota," the officer said coldly, looking down at Visha's father with a sneer. Well, down her nose. Even with him kneeling, they were of a height.
"Papa! Papa!" Visha wailed, and ran up to her father, wrapping her arms about him and glaring at the damn Germans. "What do you want now?"
"Miss Ivanovna. You and your family and behind on your payments to the Reich," Colonel Degurachaff said icily, her cold blue eyes even more wintery than the frigid air. "Do not hold out on us. I know you have more."
"We have nothing! Not even enough to eat ourselves! You took our last goat a week ago, so now we do not even have its milk to drink!" Visha spat, clutching at her father as she trembled. She should have gone with her brother Gregor and joined the partisans.
"No? Search the house," Colonel Degurachaff said, her tone bored. The SS Troopers did just that, somehow finding things they had not already broken. They returned with a bag of potatoes they'd found in the barn.
"No! Those are our seed potatoes! If you take those-" Visha protested.
"You have a crop in the ground. Use those," the Colonel sniffed dismissively. "But it is not enough. Take him."
"What!? No!" Visha wailed as her father was ripped from her. "Please, no, not my father!"
"The camps can always use another worker," the Nazi bitch said with a shrug. "See to it that you bring in that harvest in a timely fashion. Otherwise… well. Your father will have company soon."
Someone kicked Visha in the gut, and she was on her hands and knees, retching, unable to speak or do anything as her father was hauled away. She was left alone with a frozen, worthless crop, and an empty hut as she clawed at the dirt.
When Tanya came awake this time, heartbroken,she felt drained of all energy. That couldn't have been her, could it? She would never do such things, not to Visha!
Only, it was all so logical… she had orders. Quotas. They had been nothing but Russian peasants, and the Reich needed-
Tanya turned her head to the side, retching miserably. She spat to clear the bile from her mouth, then turned to glare at Vanir. "I will never break. Do your worst, monster."
"Ah, but you see, the question is which of you will break first?" Vanir said philosophically. "For only one of you can live."
"Please. As if I would not die for Visha," Tanya laughed bitterly, sneering at this fool. "She is the only good thing left in the world."
"Oh, no, you misunderstand," Vanir leaned in, a wicked grin on his face. "If you break, I will kill you. If she breaks, I will kill her. This is not the first time Moi has interrogated mortals. Moi detests the nauseating emotion of love, but moi does understand how to exploit it. So, moi shall grant the release of death to the one who talks. The other, well. They will be allowed to live, sent to a world of peace and tranquility to live out their days, away from this war. Boring, but, well, you mortals do so enjoy peace, or so you tell yourself."
Cold sweat broke out all over Tanya's body. "The Prisoner's Dilemma is solved. Visha knows this. So long as she does not break either, we will both live. And since you are simply giving us dreams, what is the worst that can happen?"
"Well, why do we not return to Colonel Degurachaff of the Waffen SS and Viktoria Ivanova to find out?" Vanir purred, stretching his gloved hands forward. "Your shame and regret will be most delicious. Moi can-"
"SACRED EXORCISM!"
A blast of holy light so bright it made spots dance in front of Tanya's eyes shot out, and Vanir dissolved into dust as Tanya lay there, stunned.
"Wretched goddess! How dare you interfere with my work!? These mortals were given over to moi as sinners, as per the contracts of old! A goddess has no right to-"
"GOD BLOW!"
There was another crumbling sound, then Tanya heard panting. "I have every right! She's not dead, and if she was, I'd bring her back again! She was, IS my friend, Vanir!"
"MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, this is too rich, even from the most foolish of goddesses! To call the God Slayer your friend! Should I undo her bonds, that she might-"
"SHUT UP! SACRED EXORCISM!"
Another flash, more spots, and Tanya felt dazed. Aqua? What was she doing here? Why had she brought Tanya back from death anyway? It made no sense… she had killed gods. Dozens of them. Why would Aqua do such a thing?
Footfalls echoed, and a moment later, Aqua's distraught face hovered over Tanya. "What did he do to you!? I snuck down as soon as I could, oh, I'm so, so sorry, Tanya! No one should be left to demons! Here, I got the key off his body, so…"
There was no way. Not even Aqua was this stupid. This was a ploy. Another dream from Vanir. There was no way that-
Tanya's manacles clicked open, and she sat up, massaging her wrists and looking around. Aqua was peering at her anxiously, a key in her hands. "You're OK, right?"
"Give me one reason I should not either slay you or take you hostage," Tanya said coldly.
"Because we're buddies! Now come on, we have to get Visha! Wiz was looking after her, so she's probably OK, but that stupid demon was in charge so who knows," Aqua ordered, and led Tanya to the open door of the cell.
Baffled, and still not certain she shouldn't just kill Aqua and be done with it, Tanya followed after her. It was a short walk down a hall to another room, where they found Visha in torn and bloodied clothes, Wiz tied up in the corner, and half a dozen little demons biting Visha or whipping her with briars.
"YOU STUPID DEMON! SACRED EXORCISM, SACRED- Oh no. AHHHH!" Aqua wailed, as her spell spectacularly failed to do anything. The little dolls all giggled and leapt at Tanya.
"Prisoner escaped! Eliminate!" they chanted in eerie voices.
Swearing, Tanya tried to dodge, to get to Visha, even as the dolls began to glow, but one grabbed onto her legs. If they exploded, she might-
Aqua grabbed all the dolls up, and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her. A moment later, there was a loud thump, and the door shuddered, a dent appearing in its sturdy metal surface.
Ignoring that, Tanya ran over to Wiz, who was gagged and crying, and ripped the key from around her neck. She ran over and unlocked Visha's manacles, then helped her lover to her knees as she gasped for breath.
"How… how did you?" Visha whispered, one eye swollen shut, the other bloodshot as she stared at Tanya.
"Aqua," Tanya said tightly. "Now come on, we have to get you-"
The door banged open, and Aqua, black faced and with scorched clothes stood there swaying. Her hair was slightly burned, and she looked like a horrible mess.
"Not so tough," Aqua slurred as Tanya dropped Visha and fell into a fighting stance. "Stupid demon. Can't beat me. I'm a goddess…"
"Do not come closer," Tanya spat. "I may be unarmed, but I still-"
"Huh? I have to come close, how could I heal Visha otherwise?" Aqua asked, and then did just that, kneeling by Visha. "Heal!"
The only reason Tanya did not attack was because she couldn't understand. She understood the words, she witnessed the actions, but she couldn't understand why this blue being was helping.
Gasping, Visha shuddered, even as her wounds vanished. She gave Tanya a wide eyed look. "B-but, how? I… I am undead, how could you-"
"Oh, I fixed that. You're a normal human now! Don't worry, if Ainz was mind controlling you or something, you're free! So we can tell Kazuma and Izuku, and we can all be friends again!" Aqua said hopefully, smiling timidly.
Visha and Tanya shared shocked looks.
"Ainz… Alucard, they said," Tanya began, her mind racing.
"Aqua, we… we are enemies," Visha said, her tone almost gently. "You cannot just-"
"Nu-uh! You're not a stupid undead anymore! I fixed you! So we can be friends!" Aqua sniffled, her eyes full of tears. "And I won't let Vanir torture you any more! It's OK to beat up bad guys, and even kill them if you have to, but you're not bad guys, right? You were mind controlled, turned into undead, you had to obey- WIZ!"
Aqua ran over and ripped the gag off the lich, who groaned softly. "Oh Wiz, I'm so sorry, see, this is why you can't trust Vanir, he's a jerk!"
"A-Aqua, the godslayer, you have to run!" Wiz panted. "You're the one Nazarick wants! It's you they've been after all these years!"
"Yeah, so? Tanya wouldn't hurt me. Right, Tanya?" Aqua said, turning back around.
Logically, Tanya should eliminate or, at the very least, capture the blue goddess. Innocence was simply ignorance in a different guise, and Tanya despised something so useless, but… the way Aqua stared with so much trust, and her actions beforehand…
If there was such a thing as a Goddess of Naivety, then Aqua would be such a being. By all rights, Tanya should act,but she found herself frozen, unable to think of what to do. "I…"
"Major?" Visha said softly. Tanya met her eyes, and her heart sank. "I think… I think we have made a mistake…"
Tanya opened her mouth to protest, but then, memories of being Colonel Degurachaff flooded into her. Memories of killing innocents on countless worlds. She'd justified it all, but…
"Lieutenant… Visha… what do you wish to do?" Tanya rasped, her throat bone dry. Visha was her second-in-command, her trusted partner. In lieu of her own action, then perhaps a second opinion from her second in command could help here.
Visha stood up slowly, going over to help Aqua undo Wiz's bonds. "Yes, Aqua. We are your friends. Let's… let's talk. Do you think… could you help Ainz?"
"Well, he is a stupid undead, and he's really evil," Aqua said uncertainly. Wiz winced, and Aqua hastily added, "B-but we were friends, um, kinda. M-maybe?"
"You… are not what I remember. Or expected," Tanya said, putting one hand to her head. "You are an utter fool, yes, but…"
"Well, you don't see me calling you dumb," Aqua grumbled.
"I suppose not," Tanya said, then remembered times when Aqua had done just that. Something was wrong. Memories were coming back. Memories she hadn't known she'd had. Memories of a time spent with Aqua in another world. Another time.
"Major, did you… have dreams?" Visha asked, her tone soft. "I… I dreamed of…"
"It wasn't real," Tanya snapped instantly. Then she grimaced. "Though what is real and what is not… I am not sure anymore."
"Well, Ainz is coming! And, well, I sort of want to help him, but he can't be allowed to kill any more people! You'll help us, right?!" Aqua begged desperately.
"Of course," Visha said gently, smiling at Aqua. "We… we are friends." She gave Tanya a pleading look.
Something broke inside of Tanya, and she straightened. "Is that what the rules of this world would dictate? That we should cooperate, in exchange for amnesty?"
"I mean, I cured your amnesty, I don't know why you'd want it back," Aqua said in confusion.
Tanya and Visha gave her a blank look, while Wiz sighed heavily.
"You're thinking of amnesia, Aqua. Not amnesty." Then the Ice Witch turned a frigid gaze on Tanya, one that made even her cankered soul shiver. "You have done much evil, Godslayer. There are few I would give over to a demon to torture, but you have earned such a punishment thoroughly."
"I… yes," Tanya admitted, feeling sick. "But, my information could save you all. Is that not worth something?"
"Yeah Wiz, come on! If they help, they're good guys again!" Aqua turned to Tanya. "Please, if you help, I'll talk to All Might and all the others! But you have to hurry! Ainz could come at any time!"
Slowly, Tanya nodded. "Very well. I will tell you what I can."
The memories that were filtering back in told Tanya that Aqua could be trusted. She was selfish, stupid, and vain, but she also had a heart of gold, and would do anything to help those she cared about. The gods were still cruel and capricious, but if there was one god who didn't need killing… well.
Perhaps it was time for retirement.
In the control room, Vanir chuckled and held out his hand. Nezu laughed and passed him a 10,000 yen note.
"Best money I have ever lost. You were right. I'm surprised though, Vanir. I wouldn't have thought a demon would bet on a goddess."
"That one is most infuriating, but moi has learned one thing." Vanir grinned, pocketing the money. "If one wishes to foil the plans of a fool… send in a bigger one."
"Hmm, perhaps, but that is not how I would have put it," Nezu said, picking up his steaming cup of tea and sipping at it. On the monitors, they watched as Tanya and Visha began to confess their sins to both Aqua and Wiz.
"Oh? And how wouldst thou have put it?" Vanir asked. Then he frowned. "No, do not tell moi. Pah. Thou art far more soft hearted than moi would have thought."
"It's simple, really. You really do catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," Nezu chuckled, leaning back in his chair. "I might be a bit of an evil mastermind myself, but I understand that."
"Hmph. Moi refuses to acknowledge that this round has gone to Aqua. After all, moi was the one to engineer this situation with thy help," Vanir laughed, heading for the door.
"Ta ta, I'll be taking notes. Do let All Might and the others know for me," Nezu said, then settled in, a smile on his face.
Last edited: Nov 30, 2023
Chapter 47: Everyone's a Little Bit RacistThe table creaked, and Izuku glanced over at Iris, whose face was a cold mask hiding what had to be an ocean of rage. Rage that Bakugo had written all over a face stretched into a snarl, his ax in his hands.
"Aqua," Iris said, her tone carefully neutral and calm, even as the table splintered under her fingers. "Explain to me, one more time, why we have not summarily executed this monster."
Bakugo just let out a low and animalistic growl, clenching his fists with a pop as his sweat exploded.
Across the table, Tanya von Degurachaff, the Godslayer, sat in a straightjacket with Vanir and Aqua on either side of her, looking back at Iris with a bored expression. Victoria Ivanova was flanked by Wiz and Eris, who had a knife she was using to trim her fingernails and a look on her face that clearly indicated she'd prefer to be using it on the prisoners.
The other individuals in the room were All Might and Nezu as the representatives of the Japanese government, along with Kazuma's party, and Izuku and Mei, who was humming to herself as she examined some of the gear that Tanya and Visha had been captured with.
"Because-" Aqua began, but Izuku interrupted her.
"Iris, we have to think about this. We don't know enough about our enemies capabilities. We have to study what they're capable of, so that we can-"
"Murder, Midoriya," Iris hissed, her eyes narrowed into slits. "Murder of my entire family and kingdom."
"Little Sis has got a point," Kazuma said, his own eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Look, I know we supposedly went to school with her or something, but that doesn't change that she worked with Skeletor."
"I do not recall ever working with anyone called 'Skeletor,'" Tanya said, tilting her head to one side slightly. "I assume you mean-"
"The Lord of the Tomb!" Iris exploded, drawing her sword and slamming it down onto the table, the blade pointed right at Tanya. "Do you deny working for him?!"
"No, but-" Tanya began, only for Iris to grab her sword up and leap onto the table. It looked like she would have rammed it right into Tanya's sternum, if Vanir hadn't put a finger on the tip, stopping it cold.
"Ah ah ah, O Queen Without a Land. Thou would be wise to listen before you strike down the card fate has put into our hands," Vanir chided.
"When I want the advice of a demon, I will be sure to kill you," Iris spat, her muscles straining against Vanir, but unable to move the blade.
"Hey, princess. The nerd thinks it's a good idea to listen," Bakugo said, jerking his chin at Izuku. "Maybe we listen first, then kill the two bitches after."
Iris shot Bakugo a death glare, then sighed and relented, sheathing her sword and jumping down off the table. "Fine."
"Is this the sort of operational efficiency I can expect?" Tanya asked with a heavy sigh, glancing at Vanir. "It's no wonder your resistance movement has been so ineffective if this is the sort of discipline you have."
"O Man Who has now been given a third-"
"Woman," Tanya corrected, her eyelids twitching. "I left that life behind long ago, and this is who I am now."
"Woman, then. Thou hast been given a third chance at life. While moi has spared thee from the wrath of the Realmless one, moi expended a life to do so." Vanir pointed to his mask, which had ticked up to 'III.' "Do not tempt lions when thou art but a mouse."
"Wait, you were a dude?" Kazuma asked, then grunted when Megumin elbowed him hard, and everyone else ignored him.
"Miss Degurechaff… what information can you give us?" Izuku asked, leaning forward.
"You'll have to be more specific," Tanya said flatly. "I know a great deal. However, there is one piece of information I think I should start with."
"And that is?" All Might asked, leaning forward on the table.
"Ainz Ooal Gown is terrified of Aqua, and he is indeed the Lord of the Tomb. But he is not the one who set me on this course, nor do I believe that he came up with his plan to seek out and destroy Aqua on his own," Tanya stated.
"What, is there supposed to be some other even more terrifying opponent out there?" Bakugo demanded. "One we'll need your help to fight?"
"Frankly, I don't even know how you'd begin to fight the Man in Red, nor do I know what he even is, but I suspect he is a being of a similar make to the Duke of Hell," Tanya said, including her chin towards Vanir.
Most everyone looked to Vanir, who frowned, tilting his head to one side. "Man in Red? Moi is not familiar… do the annoying goddesses know?"
"There's a lot of red demons," Eris said, frowning slightly. "But if it's one that she knows… they'd be from Horror. Not Comedy."
"You mean, one of the big meanies from another division did this?" Aqua gasped. She patted Tanya on the head, which Tanya bore with stoic resolution. "It's OK, Tanya, we don't blame you."
"I would not be so certain," Iris said, her tone once again icy. "This does not absolve Tanya of her crimes."
"I do not seek absolution, it is irrelevant. What I seek is the most pragmatic solution to the current situation, for which the ultimate problem must be addressed. The Man in Red is a larger looming threat, so whatever course we chart in this discussion, we must bear in mind the ultimate underlying issue. Unless you merely wish this scenario to repeat when he finds another patsy to send your way," Tanya said, sounding like she was submitting a report on the number of pencils the accounting department had gone through in the past quarter rather than the revelation that a greater cosmic horror existed.
"That does change things," Izuku muttered, thumbing his chin as he thought. "If the Lord of the Tomb is just a pawn…"
"I wouldn't say a pawn. A more valuable piece," Tanya said with a shrug, made somewhat difficult by the straightjacket. "But still, not the king. This will not be over simply because he is defeated."
"And we should be talking about how we kick his boney ass, not worrying about this mysterious crimson fucker!" Bakugo snarled, snapping his fingers and letting off a bang. "How do we even do that?"
"I concur with my consort," Iris said, steepling her fingers. "We need to take out the Lord of the Tomb. We cannot hope to win by playing defense. So, can you tell us how to do that or not?"
"I can inform you of the defenses of Nazarick, though I believe that there are many I was never made aware of for the sake of operational security," Tanya stated matter of factly.
"The real question is, how do we even get there?" Mei said, looking up from her tinkering. "Izuku can kick anyone's butt if he knows where they are, but no one even knows where this Tomb is!"
"We have the access spells," Visha put in. "We can teleport there, along with anyone we want to take."
"Oh, so we should just trust you to take us there so you can merc us? No thank you," Kazuma said with a snort.
"That does sound suspiciously like an ambush," Izuku said uncertainly, shaking his head. "Is there an alternative?"
"We could give you the coordinates and you could teleport there without us," Tanya said.
"Why didn't you say that in the first place!" Kazuma demanded.
"-and then you would set off every alarm in the place and trigger the automatic defenses, which would instantly obliterate you."
Kazuma winced at that one. "Uh, on second thought, maybe not."
"So we have only three choices then," All Might said, and held up three fingers, ticking off the points. "One, we remain on a defensive posture and hope we can defeat the Tomb when it invades. Two, we trust Miss Degurechaff, and have her take us there to attack, or three, we attempt to teleport there alone and risk setting off the defenses."
"Wars are not won through defense. Even if you had superior forces, you would be ground down eventually by a force that can pick their time and place. You do not: the Tomb controls dozens of worlds now, you only one," Tanya said dismissively.
"She is… correct," Iris ground out, looking like the words were giving her indigestion. "We have to strike at the Tomb if we have a hope of survival."
Tanya nodded, as nonplussed as ever. "Then logically, all that remains is whether or not you believe you can trust my information."
"That's not something we should decide immediately. What exactly are we up against? We've seen what the minions of the Tomb can do, but does anyone know what the Lord of the Tomb and his most elite forces are capable of?" Izuku asked, looking around the table.
"I… am not certain what Ainz is capable of," Visha said, looking at Tanya. "As far as I know, he has never taken the field himself."
"He has not," Tanya agreed. "It is believed he is far stronger than any of his minions, but as to what he is capable of… I cannot say. He is a lich, and is powerful. That is all I know."
"We knew that already! That's not helpful at all!" Mei said, wagging a finger at Tanya. "I need new data so I can build my wonderful babies to take him out!"
"What of his other forces?" Iris demanded. "We have gathered data on some of them, Shalltear, Albedo, Cocytus, the elf twins, and that bastard Demiurge. I assume he still lives?"
"You did not slay him, though you did wound," Victoria confirmed. "Aura and Mare are here already. And Ainz would not send any other Floor Guardians here, save for Coctyus."
"He's the big bugman, right?" Kazuma asked, leaning back in his chair. "What's his face fought him."
"He fought Naofumi, yes, and was driven off that world, the first victory we've had against him in a long time," Eris agreed. "He's also the only other minion of Ainz that is unaccounted for that isn't a demon or undead."
"What will the Lord of the Tomb do, now that the Godslayer has been captured?" Nezu asked Tanya. "Will he withdraw? Reinforce?"
"He'll send in Cocytus, along with massive numbers of troops," Tanya stated. "From my world, as well as others he has captured. Eventually, you will be overrun, even as strong as this world's defenders are."
"Then we have to take the fight to him," Izuku said, shaking his head in discomfort. He looked to Aqua. "Can we trust her?"
"Tanya's not a bad person, she was just being lied to! She really does want to help us!" Aqua declared. Most everyone else gave her disbelieving looks, but Kazuma and Izuku exchanged looks.
"We're going to have to trust someone I guess," Kazuma sighed. "And if it's going to be anyone…"
"I'll trust Aqua," Izuku agreed. Then he leaned forward. "So, what's going to be the best way to attack? Tell us everything about the Tomb you can."
Tanya nodded, and launched into her explanation as the others listened. Time was running out, but they couldn't just run in blind.
For nearly a century now, All For One had schemed and plotted, and more than once simply brutalized his way into power. During most of that time, his goal had been to rule over Japan, and perhaps one day, extend his influence further, throughout Southeast Asia. At times he had dreamed of conquering the world, but that had never been more than an idle thought, not an actual plan he thought he'd bring to fruition.
It seemed his ambitions had been far, far too small.
He looked about the grand hall he now found himself in, the tattered banners of a hundred worlds hung there. Some of those flags looked vaguely Japanese, or even of other nations he would have recognized from Earth. There were even statues, trophies of foes defeated or enslaved, some human, others obviously not.
At the end of the great hall was a stone throne, upon which sat a classical evil Overlord. All For One was impressed. He'd thought a throne like that would look tacky, and that the aesthetic was rather overdone. You'd have to really commit to pull something like that off, and this being clearly had. Though it did help to be a skeleton with glowing red eyes.
"Not bad," Shiguraki commented from his side, looking around with an amused expression. "Looks like the guild hall of a high end raiding guild."
"PVP, actually," the Skeletal Overlord on his throne commented. "I'm impressed. Not very many people recognize Nazarick for what it is."
"Oh?" Shiguraki grinned, his chapped lips cracking from the rictus expression, a bit of blood leaking onto his lips. "So, you're actually hardcore, not just a care bear poser?"
"Watch your tongue, human, Lord Ainz is the most powerful being in existence!" the annoying little child with the incredible power said. This was the female one, dressed in a white suit. All For One was fairly certain he or Shiguraki could slay her if needed, but it would be a terrible battle.
Not that they could win in this place, but one didn't make great gains without great gambles. And with his old Adversary restored to full strength, All For One could no longer afford to simply bide his time in the dark.
"It is fine, Aura. These two are here to swear fealty, are they not?" Ainz said, leaning back on his throne, appearing utterly relaxed. If he were anything like his minions, however, that should not be underestimated.
"I suppose I'd be willing to join your guild, if it means I get to destroy the heroes and their vaunted justice. Shit, why not just destroy the entire world!" Shiguraki cackled, spreading his arms wide.
"Now, now. What is there left to rule if we simply destroy the world?" All For One said, putting a hand on Shiguraki's shoulder. He turned his face towards Ainz, giving him a grandfatherly smile. "After all, it seems our world is giving you a bit more trouble than usual."
"The defeat of the Godslayer is problematic," Ainz said, steepling his jewel-encrusted fingers together. "She is one of my oldest allies not of Nazarick, and one of my most powerful. She has conquered a hundred worlds, and yet, yours was able to defeat her."
"Forgiveness, Lord Ainz," Aura said, kneeling on the dark stone floor. "The magic in this world is like nothing we have ever seen before, and its inhabitants are far stronger than we anticipated. With the vile Goddess Aqua there as well…"
"I think I can offer you a replacement. I met Miss Degurechaff, and while she was impressive, I think I can offer you abilities she lacked," All For One stated.
"You have claimed this before. Thus far, you have failed to even take the field. Why should I believe this is the case?" Ainz demanded, his gaze turning malevolently upon All For One.
"I am an old man, weak in body, but not in spirit. My Adversary has been restored to his prime by Aqua. So, I ask, why not restore me? What have you to lose?" All For One said, spreading his arms wide.
"Hmmm," Ainz rubbed his chin, glancing at Aura.
"It's up to you. I think this human is kind of worthless," Aura said with a shrug.
All For One grinned. "Really? Perhaps you'd care to back that up in a bout? Not to the death, of course. More so I can demonstrate my abilities."
"Oh, Lord Ainz, please, please let me! I've been longing to teach these humans some humility!" Aura begged, clasping her hands together and giving the undead monster puppy dog eyes.
"If you're a PVP guild, I'd like to see what your builds are, and skills. Is this some sort of video game world? Heh, it's like one of those trashy light novels," Shiguraki chuckled.
Spitting on the floor, Aura gave up her plea and glared at Shiguraki. "You sound like one of those innumerable 'heroes' the gods summoned. I've slaughtered hundreds of them!"
"Oh, but you see the difference is, I'M NO HERO!" Shiguraki cackled, his hands reaching out for Aura.
"Tomura," All For One warned, and Shiguraki backed off, still sneering at Aura.
"A test of ability for you both… yes," Ainz mused, tapping the golden staff he held on the floor. "Not against you, Aura. I have a better idea. Come."
Strange energies wrapped around them, and a moment later, All For One found himself in the middle of a great arena, Shiguraki at his side. Nearly 100 meters away, Ainz stood atop a balcony that leaned out over the sands of the arena floor, Aura perched on the railing and grinning at them.
"If you can pass this test, then I will reward you by restoring your body," Ainz said. "And, for the young one, perhaps a race change."
"Seriously? I can be a badass race? I always wanted to be a demon vampire!" Shiguraki snickered, looking around. "Only normies play as vanilla humans when there's better options."
"Oh, let me summon one of my pets to deal with them, Lord Ainz!" Aura begged.
"No. We'll start with something simple. Release the prisoners," Ainz ordered.
There was another flash, and a ragged bunch of haggard men and women in drab robes, but wielding dangerous looking weapons appeared.
"If you defeat these two," Ainz began, "I will-"
"JUST A BUNCH OF FOOLS!" Shiguraki cackled, and dashed forward. The impertinence of youth. With but a touch, he reduced those around him to dust, then turned to face Ainz. "You'll have to do better than that! What's with these pathetic low level mobs?!"
"Impressive. Those were humans, and fairly high level ones from various world's we've conquered," Ainz mused. "You did not hesitate to slay them."
"They're NPCs. Even worse than heroes. People who exist only to be destroyed!" Shiguraki ranted.
"Indeed. Well, perhaps something a little more challenging then," Ainz said, and tapped his staff again. This time, a dozen heavily armored skeletal figures appeared, all bearing metal blades and shields. They turned towards All For One and Shiguraki, but this was pointless.
With a gesture, All For One pummeled them into the ground with but a finger each, crushing them to dust. "I said a bout. Whatever this is, you are tossing nothing but minions at us. Foes that even mediocre heroes from our world could defeat. Do not waste my time."
"Very well," Ainz said with a nod. "Then let us see what you are truly capable of. This time, do not slay the summoned humans. They are but an offering."
All For One found himself teleported out of the arena to the seats below Ainz. A moment later, thousands of people filled the pit, all of them crying out and screaming piteously, clothed only in filth and rags. The sound was deafening, but a bright flash enveloped Ainz, and he lifted his hands, chanting something.
"Nice, that's gotta be high level magic. Wonder what he's gonna do?" Shiguraki mused, leaning back in the bleacher with a lazy expression on his face.
"He called them an offering," All For One mused. "I wonder…"
After several seconds, a black wave ripped out from Ainz, and the people in the area collapsed, dead. "Witness now… my GREAT POWER!" Ainz declared, and Aura clapped excitedly, cheering.
All For One was not impressed: He could have easily replicated the effect, especially against what looked like hapless slaves. Several thousand people had to have died at a blow, but a high end Quirk could do much the same.
Then the black void appeared above the arena, darkness oozing out of it and consuming the fallen. The bodies were absorbed, dissolved into darkness. Black tentacles sprang up out of the ground easily 30 meters tall, writhing obscenely. From the tentacles, great black shapes with dozens of maws pulled themselves. For a moment, All For One was actually impressed.
Then one of them let out an extremely incongruous bleating sound, and Shiguraki laughed. "A summon spell? Takes a hefty sacrifice though. Not bad. I guess you really are an Evil Overlord."
"Your task is to slay them. If you survive, I will grant your request," Ainz promised.
"Well, maybe this won't be totally boring," Shiguraki chuckled, standing and padding up to the edge. "What do you think, Old Man? This one might be worth our time."
"Interesting," All For One mused. "Let's see."
He set out a single punch first, one strong enough to level a building, striking at the left monster. It let out a bleat and rocked back, but to All For One's surprise, it didn't immediately turn to dust. Instead, its tentacles flailed at him, actually searing even his reinforced flesh.
"How surprising. You're more durable than you look," All For One mused, and brought his second fist forward. This time there was more than bleating as he hit the beast, but it still did not die. To his shock, he was actually grabbed by the thing, his body whipped about as it tossed him across the bleachers, sending him through the stone and pulverizing it.
After that, he quit playing around. Whatever this was, it was more durable than it looked. That blow would have been enough to wound his Adversary at their prime, even the damnable All Might. This would not do.
"I liked this suit," All For One said, standing up as the thing let go of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shiguraki contending against the beast as well. Whatever it sent against him he dissolved, but he was still getting knocked about by the force of it.
Still, the boy would have to sink or swim on his own now. He was powerful and skilled, but this was an opponent worthy of the name. He hammered at it with a series of blows, but the thing charged him, hooves making an altogether inappropriate "clop clop" sound like that of coconuts banging together. What nonsense was this?
Still, when it slammed into him, All For One actually felt it. True, he was able to negate all the kinetic force with his quirks easily, but he had to use his regenerative quirks even with all the reinforcement and toughening quirks he had stored. Some sort of exotic energy battered him, and he grunted in pain. Still, this was nothing compared to a hit from his Adversary.
"Crude," All For One sneered, ramming the thing with both arms. "An artless attack that deserves a response in kind."
This time, he did knock the creature back, and it was wounded. He glanced over at Shiguraki, and sighed. The boy was overwhelmed, and he was seemingly unable to harm these things. "Tomura! We must work together or we shall be at this all day."
He slammed a fist into the creature battling his protege, rocking it back, then scooped up Tomura, whipping him up atop the creature.
"DIE YOU FILTH!" Shiguraki raged. "YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A WORTHLESS DUNGEON BOSS!"
He slapped both hands down on the creature, and it began to rapidly dissolve, bleating in pain. Its tentacles tried to grab Shiguraki, but All For One launched himself upwards, fending off the tentacles of the creature. The second beast tried to attack as well, but its companion was flailing about wildly in pain, knocking it back. What attacks did get through, All For One battered aside with contempt.
After more than a full minute, the first creature was reduced to naught but dripping shadows. It was a simple matter to repeat the process, slaying both creatures with minimum effort. Once they were done, the clattering of bones could be heard.
"Well done. A magnificent display," Ainz declared, his finger bones clattering together. Seeing her master's praise, Aura begrudgingly golf clapped, a sour expression on her face.
"Your desires shall be granted," Ainz declared. "I have special rewards for you both."
"An amusing diversion," All For One said, sighing and stretching. He was getting old. "But if this is all the force you can bring to bear, perhaps we overestimated you as an ally."
"This is but the least of Nazarik's power! Watch your words, human, or Lord Ainz will stop your heart!" Aura snarled, clenching her fists as she glared down at them.
That made All For One chuckle. "Little girl, I left my humanity behind decades ago. And stop my heart? What kind of a fool do you think I am? If simply destroying one of my organs could kill me, I would have fallen in my first battle against my Adversary."
"Enough, Aura, they have proven themselves." Ainz waved a hand, and two objects appeared in the arena before Shiguraki and All For One. The first was a cube with glowing blue lines on it, the other a book that appeared to be bound in human skin, with a yawning face on it, and runes that glowed with a sickly green light.
"The Book of the Dead will give you vigor, while the Fallen Seed will turn the one who consumes it into a demon," Ainz declared. "They are of no use to me personally, but they are rare and expensive items. I grant you them from my treasury."
"Finally. Let's see what this can do," Shiguraki said, and reached out a hand, grasping the cube. All For One watched with clinical detachment. He was willing to sacrifice Shiguraki to gain knowledge, but if this failed, he would slay Ainz and that annoying child and claim their powers for himself.
"To open the Fallen Seed, one must have greatly negative karma," Ainz commented. "I wonder, can you-"
The box instantly cracked open for Shiguraki, who was careful not to touch it with his fingertips. A black mist flowed out, enveloping him as he laughed maniacally. Such a boorish display, but he was young. A few moments later, the mist withdrew, revealing a transformed Tomura. Black wings sprouted from his back, and he had sprouted fangs and long claw-like nails.
"YES!" Shiguraki cackled. "THIS IS THE DESTRUCTION I HAVE LONGED FOR! I WILL PURGE ALL THE TRASH AND THEIR SO CALLED JUSTICE FROM THIS AND ALL WORLDS!"
"Huh. Guess he was a good fit," Aura said, tilting her head to one side. "Well, I guess he's tolerable now."
"Tomura. Look at me," All For One commanded, and Shiguraki turned towards him, teeth bared, his fangs clearly visible. All For One lifted up his chin, examining him. He probed the boy's mind with the various psychic quirks he possessed and was surprised at what he found. Shiguraki was fundamentally altered. Something had been taken away, replaced with an all consuming void. He certainly was no longer human, but in exchange… power. A great deal of power flowed through him now.
"You have to try it, Old Man. It's a whole new world," Shiguraki hissed, licking his lips. "This time, we'll crush them all."
"Indeed," All For One said, and reached out his hand, touching the book. The empty eye sockets glowed, and the book sprang open.
Within his soul, he felt a mournful howl and an abiding cold. He tried to jerk his hand back, but green light raced up his arm, deadening it, stripping away all feeling of sensation. He felt the pure vileness, the evil, and for just one moment, he knew regret.
Then, All For One, without ceremony, died.
But in Nazarick, death was a kindly fate. What happened next was far worse.
Author's note
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes , he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job , the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
Chapter 48: One Last RideThe last time Izuku had set off on an adventure to another world, he'd done so as a result of being rather dead, apparently from a massive explosion. According to Kazuma, that was the traditional way these things happened, but Izuku was pretty sure Kazuma was just making things up again. As it was, however, Izuku wasn't sure if maybe the suddenness of the first method wasn't somewhat preferable.
"But you just got back from another world! And from all those horrible villains trying to kill you! You can't go now, you're my baby boy!" Inko wailed, clutching Izuku in a tight hug.
"Do not worry, Mrs. Midoriya! I will take good care of Izuku!" Mei stated proudly. "I am bringing the cutest of my babies with me!"
"And you too!" Inko blubbered, grabbing Mei and hauling her down into a bear hug as Mei squawked in protest and flailed her arms. "You two are too young to be married, but I don't even have grandchildren yet! You can't go off and get yourself killed, you hear me!?"
"Did you pack fresh underwear?"
Izuku turned to see Hari looking at him with her own oddly shaped irises, a bemused look on her face.
"Uh, we're not really planning on being gone that long, so I didn't-"
"Pack fresh underwear. You're exploring a tomb. If you crap yourself, you're gonna want a change," Hari advised. She handed Izuku a small backpack with a grin. "I took the liberty of packing some for both of you. Clean socks too."
"I, um… thanks?" Izuku squeaked, catching the bag. "You really didn't have to…"
"Eh, as your new big sister, I feel somewhat duty bound to, because my sister would never think of it, and you're a dork, but still wouldn't either." Then Hari suddenly grabbed Izuku and hugged him tightly, her voice cracking as she whispered, "Keep her safe, OK? And you come back too."
Inko was still blubbering, but she'd let go of Mei to wipe at her eyes and blow her nose. Izuku went over to give her one last hug. "We'll be fine, mom. All Might's even coming with us! Think of this as just another villain for the heroes to fight."
"I know, it's just… you're still my baby! And you're going off to some other world to find a horrible villain! I just… I'm not ready yet! It was supposed to be a few more years before I had to say goodbye to you! Just, please… both of you… come home safely, alright?" Inko pulled Izuku and Mei back into a hug, sniffling as she did so.
"We will," Mei promised, and Izuku hugged both her and his mother tightly for a moment. Then Mei added, "Besides, if we die, Aqua can just bring us back to life again! We already died once, you know."
"Mei!" Hari hissed, coming in to join the hug from behind.
"Well, it's true! Though I wouldn't like to die again, and I would be very sad if Izuku does die again," Mei protested.
After some more sniffles, Izuku took the bag with the clean changes of clothes, and headed to the door, Mei at his side. At the door, he paused and gave his mother and Hari a smile and a thumbs up. "Don't worry! It's gonna be OK!"
Then he scooped Mei up in his arms and jumped up into the sky, leaping over the rooftops as he made for UA.
"Izuku," Mei said quietly, her arms around his neck as he sped along. "Do you really think we'll be alright?"
"Of course we will," Izuku said, giving her a smile. "We'll be together, and have the others with us, plus Ms. Wiz and Almight. Even Tanya is on our side now, and she'll get us in safely. Plus, you made us a bunch of new equipment, right? So of course I will succeed. We beat them last time."
Mei's arms got even tighter, and Izuku felt her trembling slightly. "Yes, but I am still afraid. It was very scary last time. You did almost die, and All Might did die fighting. But… we are stronger now… you're going to win, right?"
"Not just me. If it were just me, I couldn't win. But with you, Aqua, All Might, and the others… I think we can," Izuku told Mei, pausing atop a rooftop. They shared a quick kiss, then looked out over Tokyo.
"I guess someone has to save the world, so I can keep making cute babies with you. I just didn't think it would be me," Mei sighed as Izuku took off again.
"You're an important part of the plan. You're our super genius, who can figure out any technology or magic we find, and help us overcome it. Considering the number of worlds the Tomb has conquered, there's going to be some stuff that won't make any sense to the rest of us," Izuku assured her. "Plus, if you weren't there, it wouldn't feel right."
Mei hugged Izuku tightly, but she seemed more determined than frightened now, her jaw set as they landed on campus. Around them were gathered all the students from the first year hero course, along with All Might, Wiz, and a few other powerful pro heroes. Tanya and Visha were there in their uniforms and were even armed. It made Izuku feel a little uneasy, but they were going to have to trust both women to get them to the Tomb safely, so guns were hardly the real issue.
"Took you long enough," Kazuma said with a yawn, glancing up at the sky. The sun was well up, it being a few hours after dawn. "Ugh. Why do we have to leave so early?"
"It's past eight. We usually are already in class. That is a silly thing to complain about," Mei told Kazuma as Izuku set her down.
"Yeah, but like, why can't we sleep in when we're going off to save the world? It would make sense to do it when we're well rested," Kazuma pointed out.
"You're just being lazy again," Uraraka told Kazuma, coming over and rolling her eyes at him before smiling at Izuku and Mei. "How'd it go? My folks were a bit broken up, but they were pretty accepting, all things considered."
"I think my mom is the only person in the world who can cry more than Aqua," Izuku said with a heavy sigh, gazing down at the tear stains on his costume. "For her though, it did go surprisingly well."
"Hari gave us clean socks and underwear!" Mei said happily, pointing to the bag on Izuku's back. Kazuma let out a snort of laughter, and Izuku flushed as his friend sniggered.
"Good idea," Uraraka said with a nod, holding up her own back. "I packed that, some hand sanitizer, and extra snacks, plus some first aid gear and water purification tablets. Who knows what sort of horrible stuff they have in the Tomb?"
"I can't believe I have a bunch of total nerds in my group," Kazuma said with a heavy sigh. He pointed at Izuku. "You don't even have an excuse! You have a girlfriend, unlike the old maid over-"
Kazuma reflexively dodged to the side as Uraraka tried to slap him, her face flushed. "We're 16! It's totally normal not to be dating at our age! Besides, romance costs money! I'm being frugal!"
"Technically, aren't we more like 17 now?" Mei mused. "I mean, if you count the extra time we spent in another world, and the extra months we lived before coming back here, hmmm, and Kazuma is hundreds of years old from his time in heaven, so, really-"
"Who's side are you on!?" Uraraka demanded of Mei, glaring at her.
"Izuku's," Mei said instantly. "I didn't realize we were picking sides, but definitely his."
"Uraraka is referring to the fact that Kazuma is being an ass again, and is asking if you are sticking up for him, or are standing up for her virtue," Tokoyami said, coming over to stand in the group, Darkness coming along with him.
"Oh, well, in that case, stop being dumb, Kazuma!" Mei huffed, folding her arms over her chest.
"Ah come on, you're supposed to be on my side, Bird Brain! You're with Darkness! You're a real man now!" Kazuma argued.
"Nah, you're an idiot," Dark Shadow said, peeking his head out from Tokoyami's cloak.
"I agree with Tokoyami and Uraraka. You are simply being your usual perverted self, Kazuma," Darkness stated.
Kazuma turned a pleading look on Izuku, but he shook his head. "You guys all suck," Kazuma muttered. He brightened as Megumin came over, turning to her eagerly. "You're on my side, right?!"
Megumin didn't even pause: "Stop being such a perverted NEET, Kazuma."
"How can you even say that!? You MARRIED me! We're about to go save the world, again, and you know I've had jobs! I'm even going to school full time!" Kazuma protested, giving Megumin his best wounded look.
"All in favor of Kazuma being a NEET?" Megumin asked, raising her hand.
"AYE!" everyone agreed, even Dark Shadow sticking up his hand.
"You all suck," Kazuma grumbled, kicking a rock.
"Hey! No bullying Kazuma over there!" Aqua called, hurrying over to join the huddle. Kazuma gave her a grateful look, and she smiled at him. "Ok, now I'm here. How are we bullying Kazuma?"
"This is outrageous! It's discrimination! I want a new group!" Kazuma wailed, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. He turned around. "Hey, Subaru, wanna trade groups? I'll trade you my blue haired bimbo for yours."
"Uh, I don't think Rem is a bimbo, Kazuma, and uh, I'm pretty OK where I am," the other isekai said, while the women in Subaru's group all turned death glares on Kazuma.
"It's not fair, the entire world is against me," Kazuma sighed dramatically. He looked around, frowning. "So, when are we getting this show on the road? We got the plan, let's just do this."
"What plan?" Tokoyomi said with a grimace. "Teleport in and kill everything that moves? That's not a plan."
"Would you believe me if I said it was better than our usual plans?" Kazuma asked with a mischievous grin.
"Having worked with you? Absolutely," Uraraka said with a heavy sigh. "Though honestly I can't think of a better plan."
"I have come up with a brilliant plan!" Megumin declared, flashing her cloak. "First, we infiltrate the tomb, then we-"
"We can't just cast Explosion!" Mei interrupted her. "Even if we both tried it together! We have to make sure the bad guys are dead, not just bury them and run away! Which is why we should use-"
"We're not building a plasma bomb or whatever you have planned," Kazuma groaned.
"… it was a gravity bomb," Mei muttered, looking embarrassed.
"How did we both end up with explosion maniacs?" Kazuma asked Izuku, shaking his head ruefully.
"Good taste?" Izuku ventured, and Kazuma nodded solemnly, extending his hand, which Izuku hesitantly shook.
"You both get to live. This time," Megumin sniffed.
"Hey, is something the matter? All Might looks worried," Aqua said, pointing behind them. They all turned, seeing All Might in a huddle with Nezu, Endeavor, and some other pro heroes. They were gathered around a radio, listening intently.
"I wonder," Izuku said, and pulled out his own phone. He scrolled through it, checking a few things. After a few moments, his eyes went wide. He looked around frantically, then ran over to Tanya. "Ms. Degurechaff!"
"Hm? What is it?" Tanya said, looking up from where she'd been plotting out a large map of what appeared to be the Great Tomb, labeled in neat handwriting.
"What are the first steps in a world invasion? Send in a few Nazerick Elites, right?" Izuku asked, pointing to her, then Visha.
"Depends on the world, but yes, that is often the case. Typically, a single Area Guardian and some basic troops are enough to handle a C or D level world. For an A or B level world, the Pleiades or one Floor Guardian are sufficient. Only an S-Class World would require the attention of multiple Guardians," Tanya said with a nod.
"And this… this is an S-Class level world, isn't it?" Izuku asked, motioning to the assembled heroes.
"Yes, obviously. That is why myself, Visha, and the elf twins were sent," Tanya said, eyes narrowing.
"What if that didn't work? What was the next step?" Izuku demanded, fear rising in his chest.
"Well, that happened only rarely but if it did, the protocol I helped establish would be to attack on multiple fronts to divide enemy forces, after finding local allies and subverting them to our cause. Then, while the enemy was distracted, multiple Floor Guardians, supported by the Gottjager and other elite forces, would attack key points," Tanya replied. She narrowed her eyes at Izuku. "Why?"
"They're attacking all over the world," Izuku said, realizing with horror what was going on. He held out his phone, and Tanya took it, scrolling through. "Sightings on every continent, but especially in America, Europe, and China. America especially is reporting numerous outbreaks of villains and monsters in major cities. It started just a few hours ago, but more and more attacks are popping up."
Tanya studied the reports, then nodded, her expression grim. "Yes. This is exactly what protocol dictates should happen. But this means the next attack-"
"-is here"! Izuku and Tanya said together, turning towards All Might and the other heroes. Izuku quickly turned back around, his expression frantic. "What do we do!? If they attack Tokyo while we're all gone, the city is doomed!"
"If you delay too long, you will also be doomed," Tayna stated firmly. "S-Class your world might be, but you have no defense against necromancy to speak of. Two goddesses with a small cult isn't enough to pump out clerics capable of stopping hordes of the undead, even with your heroes. It will be a long, slow death, but it will come if you do not strike."
This was a horrific situation, and one Izuku didn't know how to handle. He hurried towards the platform, Kazuma and the others hurrying behind him and looking concerned.
"Ah, young Midoriya," All Might said, frowning at him. "I know you are all anxious to begin, but something has come up."
"The Tomb is attacking," Izuku said breathlessly, holding up his phone. "It's what they planned all along. They know we have Tanya, and they're stepping up attacks. We know they've recruited members of the League of Villains, and we know they were already planning to attack us. But it's not just Japan. It's all over the world."
"We're getting reports of attacks in a dozen Japanese prefectures. We might have to call off the assault," Best Jeanist said, sounding worried.
"That's foolishness. We have to stop this at the source, and take the fight to the enemy," Endeavor growled. "You don't win a defensive war. We find them and burn them out."
"But we cannot leave Japan defended," All Might muttered, looking concerned. "We-"
"All Might? You need to hear this," Nezu broke in, and held up a small television. All eyes turned to it, and Nezu turned up the volume.
On the screen, a man with a blank face mask stood before a news desk, beside him was the same boy from the UA attack with the mask made of hands. The trembling newscasters were kneeling in front of them, eyes wide with fear. On seeing the man with the black mask, All Might's fists clenched, and he let out a strangled, "No! Not him!"
"Greetings, my longtime opposite," the man in the black mask said, his voice distorted and echoing. "Most of you do not know who I am. That is fine. Those who do know me, I just want to say, I hope you slept poorly during my absence. But your worst nightmares have come true."
The man spread his arms dramatically, and gave a slight bow. "I am back. And far more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Allow me to introduce my young heir. Tomura Shigaraki."
The young boy didn't stir, but Izuku noticed a disturbing detail: a swishing black tail with a spade-like tip. Where had that come from?
"You don't have time to watch this," Tanya said, stepping forward. She nodded to the TV. "That one has been race changed to a demon. And unless I very much miss my guess, All For One has become a lich."
Wiz sucked in a sharp breath, and All Might turned to her. "Can the Tomb do that?"
"Yes," Wiz said, her eyes wide, and complexion nearly as pale as when she had been a lich herself. "There are dark rituals that can be performed, as well as items that Ainz has that can force it. He's done it before."
"If All For One has become a lich, that means he can raise the dead, does it not?" All Might demanded, and both Tanya and Wiz nodded.
"That explains the reports we're getting from America and other places," Endeavor said grimly. "I take it we have to burn the bodies?"
"That won't work. Mortal flames can't stop a lich from raising the dead," Aqua piped up. "You have to purify their spirits to help them move on, or destroy the lich that bound them."
"And if it's a Lich from the Tomb, you need a pretty powerful cleric to do that," Eris added. "Or, well, one of us."
Izuku's mind raced, looking to the screen as this All For One pontificated. He knew that this was the great foe All Might had mentioned, but not much more than that. However, he also knew they had to stop Nazarick, at all costs.
"Aqua, do you think you could beat Ainz, if we could get you to him?" Izuku demanded of her, turning to face his goddess.
"Yeah! I could totally beat that stinky old bag of bones!" Aqua declared, puffing out her chest proudly.
Several people looked dubious at that, until Tanya spoke up: "She is the only one he ever feared."
"That's not a whole awful lot to go on. You're risking everything, young Midoriya," All Might said quietly.
"We take Aqua, and Class 1A," Izuku said firmly. "The rest of you stay and defend against the Tomb. We beat the Lord of the Tomb, and you stop All For One. If we kill Ainz, hopefully the invasion falters. We have experience fighting him."
"What about the other classes?" All Might asked.
"You need some people experienced fighting the Tomb, and they don't have Aqua," Kazuma said with a shake of his head. "Much as I hate to admit it, the useless goddess is our best bet. I wouldn't want to go on a dungeon run without her."
"We'll need Eris too," Izuku said with a nod. "I hate to take both our goddesses with us, but just in case we need two…"
"That would be wise," Tanya agreed. "But we have to go, and now. There is little time if the invasion has already begun. Before long, numbers alone will tell."
"Right." All Might nodded, then knelt by Izuku and Kazuma. "Best of luck to you both, Young Midoryiya and Kazuma. The fate of our world, perhaps all worlds, rests in your hands."
"Tell me one I haven't heard before," Kazuma muttered, but then sobered. "Yeah, we got this, old man. You go kick those assholes back to the grave they crawled out of."
"Visha! Form a circle!" Tanya called. "We are going now! One trip only!"
"Yes, Major!" Visha hastily agreed, and joined hands with Iris, Bakugo, Sero, Yunyun, Eris, Ashido, and Kirishima. Meanwhile, Izuku took Tanya's hand to his right, while Mei grabbed his left. She gave him a squeeze and smiled, even as Aqua, Megumin, Kazuma, Darkness, Tokoyomi, and Uraraka completed the circle.
"Prepare yourselves!" Tanya barked. "We teleport on my mark! Ready!"
"Ready!" Visha echoed, and Izuku felt his heart thunder in his chest.
"Three!"
He swallowed, letting the power of One for All fill him.
"Two!"
No more death, no more fear. This was going to be it.
"One!"
Izuku closed his eyes, and held his breath.
"MARK!"
The world vanished in an instant, and the final battle for the fate of all worlds well and truly began.