The Jedi Council: Behind the Scenes Chapter 39: Qui-Gon Goes to Jail: Intro, a star wars fanfic

Puff'n'Weed Productions Not-so-Proudly Presents

The Jedi Council Behind the Scenes

Part: who even knows anymore? This story is 18 years old. It's legally an adult therefore we are no longer responsible for it.

Qui-Gon goes to Jail

(Subtitle: SHOONG DOONG DOONG DOONG)

Again. We've been writing this story for 18 years. We're just stealing titles from the Ernest P. Worrell movie series at this point. Deal with it. Tune in next month for Qui-Gon Joins the Army and then Slam Dunk Qui-Gon.

RAITMOTS: For some stupid reason when Puff was a kid she thought the music during the opening credits of Ernest goes to Jail went "SHOONG DOONG DOONG DOONG." Like what the hell even is that? What instrument even makes those sounds? That mouth sound effects guy from Spaceballs?

Anyway. Puff is an idiot. We know this. On with the story.

It was a normal day at The Jedi Temple. Totally and completely normal. Look up "normal" in the dictionary and you'd see a picture of this day. Bob Ross could paint this day using only two colors maximum. Like the most mundane and bland day to ever...

Okay so The Jedi Temple was on fire. And since Jedi don't believe in practicing regular fire drills (you can look it for real. Don't believe me; look it up. It's definitely true. I wouldn't lie about that.) chaos and panic ensued.

Sensing the end was near, Shaak and Plo once again confessed their love for each other and started making out. Through Plo's mask somehow I guess? Use your imagination. Mace started stuffing cereal and cats into his robe while running for the nearest exit (yes his cats are all still alive. They're immortal and if you have a problem with that you should probably stop reading now because that's the least of your worries). Oppo was the first Jedi out of the building because having the most hair he knew he was the most flammable. Eeth was at least smart enough to know that water puts out fire so he ran to the Temple gardens and began trying to connect every hose he could find until it would reach the fire. He would soon learn that garden hoses are kinkier than your grandparents after a few Old Fashioneds, give up on this plan, and accept that he would likely burn to death.

Fortunately the young Padawans had learned about fire drills on TikTok because that's where everyone learns everything anymore. So they guided all the idiot older Jedi outside the Temple to safety. They also did some cringe-worthy dance or whatever. I don't have a TikTok. I'm 35 damn years old. I have a bad knee and credit card debt.

So no Jedi or cats or anything else perished in the fire. For better or worse.

How did the fire start though? Well you may recall from Chapter Whatever (the one about the cooking contest) that Yoda has a cake pan that he thought he is supposed to use to fill cakes with bacon. He used it this evening and forgot the cake part. He's old. His memory isn't what it used to be. So he put a heaping pan of bacon in the oven. He wanted it extra crispy because he's not a sociopath so he set the oven to its highest possible temperature. 1,200 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 648.889 degrees celsius for those of you in countries with free healthcare). He then laid down to take a nap because again he's old. For approximately seven and a half hours.

The result: a big grease fire in the Temple kitchen. In hindsight it was a good thing Eeth had kinky problems with the garden hoses because water is bad for grease fires. Use baking soda or a Class B or K fire extinguisher.

Who said this story ain't educational?

While the dedicated Coruscant fire department was finishing the difficult task of putting out the fire, the slightly less dedicated Coruscant police department was trying to figure out who was responsible for the blaze. And thus who would get to wear their trademark metal "I'm my own BFF" friendship bracelets, get sprayed with their spicy deodorant and/or shot with their trademark tickle gun, and then ride away in their speeders with the red and blue screamy bois on top.

That was a roundabout way of saying they're looking for someone to arrest.

"So the fire started in the kitchen?" One of the police officers asked the Council.

"Nope. It started in my recording studio where I was dropping these beats!" Ki-Adi-Mundi replied, holding up copies of his mix tape.

Everyone else wisely chose to just ignore him.

"Perhaps I can be of some assistance, good officers." Qui-Gon said as he approached the group, "The fire started in the kitchen after Master Yoda once again foolishly believed that his Betty Crocker Bake'n Fill ® Cake Pan was actually a Betty Crocker BACON fill pan and stuffed a heaping pan of bacon into a very hot oven. He also neglected to monitor the oven while it was in use thus resulting in the grease fire you saw today. This is indeed a dark day for the Jedi. I can only hope that we can some day redeem ourselves."

The Coruscant police officers all exchanged thoughtful looks.

"Is that him?" One officer asked the others.

"He matches the description from the anonymous tip line. The hair, the beard? The know-it-all attitude? It's gotta be him." Another officer replied.

"What's your name, sir?" The first officer questioned.

"Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn." Qui-Gon answered.

"It's HIM!" A bunch of officers yelled at once.

They then proceeded to dog pile all over Qui-Gon.

The other Jedi all exchanged extremely confused looks but didn't intervene.

A few minutes later the heap of police dispersed. Two officers dragged a now handcuffed and quite bewildered Qui-Gon to his feet. (Editor's note: A few minutes? I watched police dog pile someone

at the psych ward where I work – yes, really, that's my day job – and they got him in restraints in like 30 seconds. Those Coruscant officers are SLOW)

"Officers?" Qui-Gon managed to cough out, "I'm afraid there has been some mistake. Master YODA started the fire!"

"Forget the fire!" The officer whose uniform suggested she was in charge shouted, "We got an anonymous tip this morning. You, Qui-Gon Jinn, are under arrest!"

Qui-Gon could not possibly have been more confused. He was after all the most law-abiding Jedi in the universe. To the point of absurdity really. He decided this was definitely a mistake and kept his composure.

"May I ask what I am being arrested for?" He asked.

"Literally every crime." The chief police officer answered, "Everything from manslaughter to making oatmeal that is unacceptably runny."

"Excuse me?" Somehow Qui-Gon was even more confused, "I don't even make oatmeal. The look on that Quaker man's face is just far too smug. He's up to something nefarious and I will not support his brand. I exclusively consume Cream of Wheat. That chef has a trustworthy smile."

"Yeah tell it to the judge." The chief of police said, "Get in the speeder and we'll read you the other 7,334,602 crimes of which you are being accused. We got a bad one off the streets today. Thanks for causing a huge grease fire with your carelessness, Master Yoda!"

"Uh...happy to help I am?" Yoda shrugged.

The officers loaded a Qui-Gon into a speeder and sped off to the nearest police station leaving the rest of the Jedi standing in stunned silence.

"Should..." Adi started, "Should we have done something to stop that?"

"Yeah. I mean besides being criminally annoying; we all know Qui-Gon has never actually done anything illegal." Depa agreed, "Unless he's leading some dark secret life we're unaware of."

"The officers seemed pretty darn convinced that he was their criminal." Mace shrugged.

"I KNEW IT!" Shaak cried, "I always KNEW Qui-Gon was up to something and his obsession with forcing us to follow the rules was just a way of compensating for his own criminal activity!"

"If they have enough evidence, he'll go to jail forever. But if he's truly innocent; justice will prevail." Oppo reasoned.

"Psht. How much smoke did you inhale exactly?" Plo muttered, "The police on this planet are corrupt as hell. Qui-Gon is going to the slammer for life."

"Regardless of whether or not he's guilty or innocent...he's out of our hair until further notice." Eeth pointed, "So I say we PAAAR-TAAY!"

Meanwhile at the Coruscant police department...

Qui-Gon was still trying his best to keep his composure. This had to be some huge misunderstanding. He had never done anything even remotely close to illegal in his life. He never even disposed of his chewing gum improperly. In fact; he never even chewed gum! He sat handcuffed on a bench as the arresting officers processed all his possessions.

"One lightsaber." An officer said, admiring Qui-Gon's lightsaber; blade-side pointed directly at his eyeball naturally.

Another officer jotted that down on a piece of paper.

"If 'hidden weapon' wasn't already one of his charges, I'd say add it to the list." The first officer said.

"Officer, I must object. Jedi are allowed to carry lightsabers." Qui-Gon explained calmly.

The officer turned and glared at Qui-Gon, "I don't think someone with your extensive criminal background is actually a Jedi. It has to be some kind of a cover-up."

Alternate title for this story: Cops Gaslight Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon's right eye twitched slightly. He was so very ready to explode at someone but didn't want to give these officers the satisfaction of giving him another false charge. Perhaps there was another way...

"I am not guilty of any crimes." Qui-Gon stated as he waved his hand.

"You're not guilty of any crimes." The officer repeated.

The officer taking notes furrowed his brow and looked at his partner.

"You will release me and forget any of this ever happened." Qui-Gon said, waving his hand again.

"I will release you and forget any of this ever happened." The officer said.

"Bro!" The second officer jumped up from his seat, "He's mind-tricking you!"

"What?" The first officer questioned and firmly shook his head a few times, "Mind-tricking me?! Well, Master Jinn, it looks like you have earned yourself a 7,334,603rd criminal charge!"

Qui-Gon sighed, officially frustrated.

"I understand I have a right to a phone call." He said, "When can I make that call?"

"Let us finish processing your belongings and get you a fancy orange jumpsuit and we'll let you make a call." The second officer answered, "I recommend it be to the best darn lawyer in the universe."

Qui-Gon was not planning on calling a lawyer. He was going to call the one Jedi he knew he could trust and who would never do anything to betray him. Because he had been oh-so-perfectly trained by Qui-Gon himself.

He was going to call Obi-Wan. Surely Obi-Wan would help him get out of this mess.

Meanwhile, back at the Temple...

The first thing the Jedi Masters did with their No Qui-Gon privileges was purchase Grand Theft Auto Tatooine. Then they heated up what could only be described as an obscene amount of pizza rolls, filled a keg with Mountain Dew Code Red, and prepared themselves for what would surely be a heck of a fun night. (Editor: This remains my dream night. Or my actual week based on the number of pizza rolls I've eaten.)

"Okay my turn!" Depa cheered as she motioned for Plo to pass her the controller, "I'm gonna steal that sand crawler and demolish this entire spaceport!"

"Aw can I just run over a few more Jawas with my landspeeder?" Plo whined childishly around a mouth full of pizza roll.

"If you let me steal the sand crawler you can run over whole families of Hutts!" Depa bribed.

Plo was totally convinced and relinquished the controller so he could go refill his Batman glass with Mountain Dew.

"This is the best night of my life!" Shaak giggled.

"Even though your legs are bruised as heck because you leapt onto that water pipe and tried to mimic the pole dancers in the strip club in the game?" Eeth asked.

"Especially because my legs are bruised as heck because I leapt onto that water pipe and tried to mimic the pole dancers in the strip club in the game!" Shaak cackled.

"Okay. No more Code Red for you." Yoda said, quietly confiscating Shaak's empty Wonder Woman glass, "Mix up some water with red food coloring for you I will."

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in you may." Yoda called.

Obi-Wan entered the room and bowed.

"Hola Obi!" Shaak shouted drunkenly, "Wanna commit vehicular manslaughter with us?"

Obi-Wan's brow furrowed in confusion. He legitimately did not know how to respond to that.

He was about to try to form some sort of response when Mace entered the room with a large frozen turkey which he handed off to Shaak.

"Thank you sooo much!" Shaak grinned and immediately straddled the large bird, "Oh that feels divine!"

Obi-Wan was beginning to wonder if he should just leave the room. And then the planet. And likely the universe entirely.

RAITMOTS: He's always welcome in our universe! I mean have you seen Ewan McGreggor recently? Talk about divine!

"What you need, kid?" Mace asked.

Obi-Wan was startled at first, "Oh! I uh...yes! Masters, I have a bad feeling that Qui-Gon is going to call me to try and get him out of prison."

"Oh yeah. I forgot about Qui-Gon being in the slammer." Mace smirked, "Do you really think he's guilty of every crime ever?"

"I can't say for sure." Obi-Wan shrugged, "I mean I spend a great deal of time in my chambers grounded and being forced to read useless ancient texts in languages I don't speak and write things like 'I will not blink in a sarcastic manner when Master Qui-Gon speaks to me' over and over again 10,000 times. So I really don't know what he's doing while I'm occupied."

"So just tell the cops that." Yarael replied, "Be honest. You're not always aware of Qui-Gon's whereabouts nor are you responsible for him."

"Wait...as the Jedi Council aren't WE kinda responsible for him?" Oppo wondered.

"He's still an adult and therefore supposedly capable of making his own decisions." Mace disagreed.

"If the cops give us any problems, I'll just woo them with my pole dancing skills!" Shaak chimed in.

"NOO!" Literally every other Jedi in the galaxy shouted at once.

"Obi-Wan, if the cops call you tell them exactly what you just told us." Adi said, "I'm sure they'll understand. And maybe even tack on an additional charge for Padawan mental abuse!"

"Now how about you have yourself a glass of Code Red and join us on our digital murder spree?" Plo suggested.

"...okay." Obi-Wan wasn't completely convinced but also would never turn down a glass of Code Red.

All Jedi are born chemically addicted to Mountain Dew Code Red. (you can look it for real. Don't believe me; look it up. It's definitely true. I wouldn't lie about that.) So Obi-Wan sat down to join the Masters with their video game and junk food shenanigans even though he could sense that a very awkward phone call was in his near future. He would be honest with the cops.

...Just not so honest that they would figure out he was the one who had given them the anonymous tip about Qui-Gon...