A The Big Bang Theory/How I Met Your Mother concurrent plot crossover Fanfiction…
A Lenny Cannon AU
Character Initials: Dialogue Character Initials: Inner Dialogue/Thoughts
C.I.: LOUD, YELL OR SCREAM?!!
Crowd/Announcement?!!
AN/Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother, their characters, dialogue and plots are property of their respective Production Companies, Creators and Networks. I obviously am not compensated for this in any way besides entertaining myself without my WIFI access. I am just playing in their respective universes.
This is my first attempt in years. Flames will be ignored. PMs will take a while. No WIFi. Writers, your critiques and suggestions are welcome. I am not an experienced writer and I just took it up recently. Again, I have a large Kindle library but no WIFI acess right now. So…Thanks for reading. AN End
Exposition
Starts at the end of if 1x2 - The Big Bran Hypothesis, then a H.I.M.Y.M. canon AU Crossover
Exposition Relevant Character Notes
*Aunt Loretta Pulaski is Beverly's little sister.
Barney and James are his Cousins/big brothers.
Uncle Floyd Windrunner Arthur Hofstadter's older half-brother.
Hofstadter-Windrunner-Pulaski-Mendez-
Royche-Spellman Clan
Polish, Dutch, Swedish, Norse, German, Cherokee, Lakota Sux, Apache, Honduran, Dominican, Mexican and African relatives in the Carolinas, New Mexico, Texas, Montana, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Florida, Minnesota, West Virginia, Northern Ontario, Alaska, The Dominican Republic, Honduras, Belize, Netherlands, Norway, Germany, Iceland, France, Jamaica, Hong Kong and South Korea.
The Hofstadters were Viking Raiders turned nomads, soldiers, and trappers, traders and academics in the new world. They got around.
The North America Hofstadters are based mostly in West Virginia, Minnesota, Montana, Texas and the Carolinas
The Pulaski's escaped Russia and settled near a small Amish Community in Pennsylvania.
The Windrunners are four generations in West Virginia, Virginia and the Carolinas.
Dr. Arthur Hofstadter PhD grew up in West Virginia. His New York accent is a hodgepodge picked from various languages he speaks. He relaxes his diction and he is a mix of Brooklyn, West Virginian and Cherokee when stressed.
Dr. Leonard Hofstadter PhD may voluntarily start speaking Cherokee or Mandarin when overwhelmed emotionally.
Dr. Beverly Pulaski-Hofstadter MD, PhD knows why her son does it but isn't sharing, yet...
Dr. Katherine Hofstadter MD. PhD Yale Biomedical Research, is the Oldest.
Micheal Hofstadter JD , Harvard constitutional law is four years older than his little brothers.
Anthony Percival Hofstadter M.B.A. is older than his twin Leonard buy 25 minutes.
Fraternal not Paternal.
Barney Stinson M.S. Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Mechanical Engineering 28
James Martin Pulaski MBA/JD 33
Cornell University Marketing and Public Relations, Intellectual Property Law
Penny's and other Character backgrounds will be either in expo or written in once I learn how.
This is just background info relevant to this fic.
Leonard had "flings" with Missy Cooper as far back as age 19 in this . He didn't meet Dr. Sheldon Cooper until he answered the ad. He hadn't seen or talked to Melissa Cooper in five years at that time. Cooper is a common name.
No Leonard Priya Koothrappali romance. They share loves of Literature, classical Music, Opera, Theater, Musicals and Reggae. Casual friendly acquaintances.
LH thinks that she might be a match for Sheldon. Raj is also secretly afraid of that being the case.
Howard inspite of his crush/obsession with his brown brother's older sister finds it hilarious, because. - "Priya would break that pasty, whiney piece of veal!"
Hmmm...
AU Ages at time of the Pilot eps if both :
Leonard H. 26
Penny T. 22
Raj K. 29
Howard W. 28
Sheldon C. 32
Barney S. 28
James P. 30
HIMYM Summer 2007 instead fo 2005
All For future reference if I get ambitious.
Scene Expo
After a night of free Cheesecake, drinks and Karaoke ... a very tipsy Penny and Leonard "say goodnight" at Penny's door...
Exposition End
September 17, 2007 01:22:45 PST
Almost three days after 2311 Los Robles Avenue, apartment 4b gets a new tenant...
The youngest son of The Hofstadter/Windrunner/Pulaski clan enjoys the view as the warm buzz of alcohol sways away his stressfully week.
Leonard Hofstadter: Beautiful
Penny Tellar: What sweetie!
Blushing at the slip. Leonard tries to look away but his eys are almost magnetically attracted to the emerald green poils staring into his...
LH: She is amazing. And damn she's 'foine'!
He takes a few steadying breaths. To clear up the fog from the Jack and Cokes...
LH: Okay Double L, You can play this weak and go the safe route or you can keep up the spirit of tonight, step out of your comfort zone and Live In The Fucking Moment.
She was, and is still flirting with you. It's not just wishful thinking. The gorgeous and brilliant prodigy Joyce Kim pursued Me at Princeton. We dated for two years. She even hired me for her rocket fuel project, mostly in order to get 'reacquainted' she said.
It Stung that the only thing that put me over other candidates was that I used to sleep with the boss. Well, at least it was an "all things being equal" kind-of-thing. Joyce was always very practical. But Yay me! That job made a good start to my career in spite of the shit show afterwards.
Okay...okay…I can do this. I'm in the pocket, boxed in, there's no way out, but to take my shot! Sink it or brick it! Either way…
Okay, so just be honest. Sincere but not too serious. Take the shot man…
His unique brain chemistry slips his control due due to his inebriated state...
~ Flashback
Breathe in
Young Micheal Hofstadter whispers harshly to his little brother as they take their places at the out of bounds line…
#39: Take the fucking shot Leonard! They have been dicks all night. The refs are blind. Drain it little brother. Piss on these assholes!
Breathe out
Color Commentary: ...Bulldog fans you heard it from his brother, Senior number 39 Michael Hofstadter, from the side after that last foul.
It's personal now!
Game Announcer: Number 13, Jinx, The Double L slips the aggressive defense, with the pick set by his big brother Michael… who just came off the bench to add some muscle to the lineup…
CC: What are they feeding these Hofstadter kids at home?
GA: Wow look at Hofstadter, the younger leave those guys guessing.
Breathe in
CC: Somebody has been studying Jordan tapes. He's been shut down all night at the perimeter. But he is keeping things gulley in the paint.
GA: Gulley?
CC: Gutter. Hardcore. Grimey. A gutter is basically is a small paved gulley with direct sewer access .
GA: Ooooh Kaaay. But I agree, He's a real bulldog! It's been a close game. But Double L has that look.
CC: What sick ball handles…
Ooooh….shook that Boyeee. Broke his ankles!
… … …
Full Gymnasium Crowd : THERE AIN'T NO SUCH THINGS AS HALFWAY CROOKS. SCARED TO DEATH SCARED TO LOOK!
YOU. GOT. SHOOK!
ARRROOOOF!
GA: L-Look he's out at the perimeter…he lines up his shot…what's he doing?
Breathe out
CC: Yeah! He's gonna drain the three at the buzzer. He's gonna flex on those boys for the trouble. The aggressive D. The fouls… It's payback! You know what he's doing. Think about it! DO THE MATH, KYLE!
... ... ...
AARRRooF!
Crowd Chants:
CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP! BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS!
SIC 'EM BOYEE!!
Breathe In
... ... ...
CC: Down by one. He could go for the easy lay up! What an asshole. But, he's our asshole! He shoots… Hot Damn! Of course he scores! All net, no crazy bank shots this time. Straight flush for the tre!
GA: Holy sh…sugar! That extra point puts us over these Western Eagles Campus into the games. We just took their spot!
That little…That means we go to the regional invitationals in Connecticut and New York. And after that we'll have a shot at the playoffs. And we did it by beating the team that was until just now leading our division! What the fu a-a fun game.
CC: Hahaaha... Yes, what the hell? Coach Morris will probably kick his ass for that but…Like you said. We'll get in the invitational by that one point, On top of the division Championship. Just getting there is…wow. I remember our run. Well…
Breathe Out
But, Coach is cool, those Eagles were always asses on and off the court whenever we played them. Especially when the invitational was coming up.
GA: Number 13 kept his composure and did his job. Just slipped and let out his frustrations at the end. He's always been pretty focused and intense.
CC: Back when he and my little brother Jimmy played pee wee football. Leonard was a Strong Safety back then at the same number, #13! They called him the Hitman. Not very original but the guy was a little monster in that defensive backfield. Just like here. He's never been intimidating to look at, but his game was and is scary.
Leonard has always been a tough little bastard. I'm glad to see it again on the court this time. Hot damn!
The 13 year old super brain freaking chess club captain. 13! Hey Kyle?!
GA: Yeah Stan?
Breathe In
Stan: Just thinking…Maybe the debate team can play football. Bulldogs football, they are the only team here at H.H…, erm sorry The Ernest Hemingway High School affiliated campus of Princeton University Preparatory Academy that officially still sucks…
Kyle: Now Stan. Those guys work hard and... yeah they succk.
Yes, ladies and germs we have the two time all state in basketball and track Stanley "Airmail" Speckerman currently starting forward number 42 for the Rutgers Scarlet Knights. So Stan…Glad you could join us doing the color commentary tonight. …~
The crowd celebrating rushes the court and the mass of people
Barking 90's style…
AN:(YouTube Arsenio Hall the early seasons ) ANend
Flashback EnD~
Breathe Out
Shaking his head to loosen his thoughts from reliving one of the last times that he stepped out of his comfort zone…
PT: Where does he go, when he does that?
As he approaches his neighbor, he has an impulse. An impulse that has bben growing into a monster that wants out.
LH: Right here. Right now. Just breathe and speak...
Looking into the shining emerald eyes of his duet partner, he simply speaks his mind...
LH: I was wondering all night. I mean can I ask you something?
PT: Sure sweetie!
She chirps back her inebriation evident as she secretly hopes…
LH: There is something that I have been wondering all night…Erm
She steps forward and rubs his arm encouragingly . He looks at her with a smile that starts the butterflies in her belly
PT: …or Is it the Vodka? Nope, definitely butterflies…Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…Yes! Score. I knew it. Give it up, short sexy and…pretty brown eyes…
Whiskey colored eyes stare into Emerald green
LH: I was just wondering…if you would like it if…I suck on your bottom lip for an hour or two. Would that be something that you'd enjoy?
Delivered with a sincere yet subtle teasing voice. Hopeful and inquiring yet confident in her answer.
She closes the distance as if on autopilot. Encouraged by her grinning nod, the youngest winner of the Westerly Award for Children's Innovations in Engineering closes the distance. Slow and teasing gives way to passion as Penny pushes her boytoy down on the nearest stair and plants herself next to/on him all without breaking their kiss.
Fade to Black
September 29, 2007 15:33:16 EST
Leonard Opens his laptop at work for a weekly scheduled video chat. He called his cousin James for advice on how to proceed with Penny.
He doesn't want another long drawn out, one sided angst fest. Or to be used again. So he went to the only person who could help him get over himself and make something happen with Penny.
On his screen are two men. Impeccably dressed. One black with a close shaved hairstyle in his thirties. The other a blonde with messy spicky salon quaff, slightly younger. Both appear to be in the same Oak appointed Office Space.
LH: James corner Office. Only 30 and promoted and offered a buy in as a Junior Partner in his PR firm. Barney is a Junior Vice President in charge of special projects at Goliath National Bank. They both make seven figures a year. Katherine…Micheal…Why am I so? Oh yeah. I chose academics and research. Duh?
A text alert?
W.W.J.D.
LH: The What Would James Do Urban Seduction Primer? Really Jamie?
The Black man answers...
James Pulaski: Yup. Stop it. Whatever you are overthinking is counter productive right now Jinx. We got this. Just relax, sit back and read. I made this up for Barney when he left for M.I.T. I changed it up some for you, based on our convo last week. Ask any question you need for clarification. I have about 37 minutes before I have to prepare for my next meeting.
I'll give it to you straight. You like this girl. So you don't want to run a game. You want to build something real.
He rolls his eyes.
That being said; you've been holding out, little cuz.
The blonde joins the conversation while munching on waht appears to be a bowl of greens, tomatoes, onions, and peppers.
Barney Stinson: Yup. Hoarding the gold!…
crunch…crunch.
What? I had a lunch meeting that was all meeting and no lunch. I got conference calls to get to… in about….aaah…ya.
Let's... just…okay?
He takes a bite of venison jerky...
The youngest of the three flashes his cousin a look of sympathy. Having been in that position often as of late.
LH: Yeah. These non stop budget meetings are exhausting. I spend more time in meetings than working.
They wouldn't be so bad or take so long if Sheldon would just stay away. He's not needed or invited. We had to have security remove him again this morning. He's such an unprofessional and immature jackass. Fucking Seibert. Stand up to those three fossils. We are bleeding out soft money because of those crooks and Cooper. You pussy. Arrrgh!
Never realizing that he is vocalizing his frustrations...
BS: Snap... Snap...Breathe Leo! You were drifting and cussing again? (In conversational Mandarin)
Leonard returns to the conversation in the present moment. Putting his work frustrations to the side for now.
JP: Welcome back! (Also in Mandarin) English, Mandarin, French, German, Spanish, Patois, Cherokee, Korean, Japanese? What are we doing guys? I'm good to go. Klingon?
LH: Sorry Jamie. Barney. Just work stuff has me... English is fine. T-thanks
Trying to reign in his embarrassment at the loss of control...
Receiving a nod from his younger brother, the oldest of the three continues the conversation...
JP: Now. I believe that you, Dr. Leonard Leaky Hofstadter Ph freaking D
BS: Snigger Leaky Snicker
JP: Shush it! To his younger blonde brother.
Redirects his attention smoothly back to Leonard.
Now you! What was it that You asked a girl? One who in your own words is ridiculously hot even for LA that you just met the day before?
The Amanu suited blonde vibrates with excitement.
BS: Awesome. Just awesome cuzzo.
JP: Yes it was. After your roommate broke into her apartment to clean. With the key that she trusted you with. Get that key back. Trust me. Cuz!
BS: Yeah. She chose You, man. She trusted YOU. He has known her for less than 72 hours and violated her privacy and freaked her out. Get the key back and make a point of him apologizing and actually acknowledging his wrong to her.
Seriously, some things can't be let go. Not really. This will be a sticking point for you two. It will always be between you. Her first week in her new place was ruined by that jackass. You met the Dianabolic D-bag Ex. You have hunch that he was abusive. more the reason then.
Genius meh. Aspergers, so what… Cooper is a selfish asshole…He is bringing down the reputation of your Department cuz. I been checking for a job in LA. Contract went to Stanford. Yeah, it is getting that bad. You're still good In Spite of Where You Work.
Back to the jackass at home. He is an adult and he knows better. It's called criminal trespass. Look it up. Don't let his juvenile tantrums get in the way of living your life or your career anymore.
Now she needs to See You stand up for Her. Dude. You have a small window of opportunity to make this right. Do it! Not just because it makes you look good but because Uncle Floyd taught us right from wrong. Dammit cuz! Otherwise awesome.
Now James, please continue.
JP: Your roommate and the peanut gallery you hang with invades her privacy, pervs on her, freaks her out and pisses her off. You rallied your crew and turned that situation around. Then…after a night of "dinner", drinks and karaoke; on her no less…
Well mostly on her?
A broke aspiring actress trying to make it on a new waitress's wages?
Woah!
BS: clapping Bravo! clapping
JP: Brava! Brava Forticima! clapping
James makes a kissing gesture with his bunched fingers in an imitation of an Italian hand gesture he is familiar with, because of his work with the entertainment industry.
BS: She obviously likes You.
Missing the emphasis his cousin placed on the last word of his sentence and the point being made! Dr. Hofstadter explains his reasoning.
LH: Er.. thanks. I was just trying to make things right. And let her see that we may be weird and socially odd but we're not so bad. Even Sheldon. I Hope that fools her long enough to decide she likes me enough to stick around in spite of the guys. No one else has…
Ashamed of his manipulations that day and his past relationships and friendships failures he looks down.
BS: snap snap Hey! HEY! We are celebrating you stopping exactly that. And getting some sweet lip from the H-haaahT new neighbor girl. Now Jamie… roll that beautiful bean footage.
… …
JP: Anyways.
Eye rolls
Now where were we? Oh yes! You asked her:
'Would you like it if I sucked on your bottom lip for an hour or two?'
Clapping
'Would that be something that you might enjoy?'
That's what you said. After everything?…That's it exactly? And you were 100% sincere about it? Woah. I'm gonna use that though. I can't fake sincerity, but I got seductively playful on lock.
BS: Yeeeessss! Excellent (Mr. Burns impression) Yes! You got your mojo back cuz.
Look Leo, that Korean Betty wasn't after no rocket fuel bro. She wanted your rocket. You said it yourself she never asked about your work at all. She was all up in your pancake mix. With some eggs and a …one of those things with the…come on…I HATE WORDS!
LH: Wisk, Barney. It's okay. Calm down.
BS: No you are after mah…maaaah. James say it ain't so… He's too young. Too awesome…sob..sob…
JP: Anyway. Barney is trying to copyright it for you. We looked it up. Nobody said that yet. It's almost like Nick Cage Face Off line but puts the ball in the girls court more playful than direct.
The naughty side of flirting. A great segue to going for that sweet lip. That ish will end up in a movie somewhere. Trust me. It Will Become A Thing. Here in New York.
LH: I'd rather not. It wasn't a line. I really meant it. It just sounds like a line I guess.
BS: We will make it so! Get ready!
JP: Rolls his eyes jokingly. That is the genius of it, little cuz. That is your lane. Sincerity!
BS: Bleckh…
JP: Huff You should never try to be a player Cuz. Speak from the heart man. It works for you.
Most people…No... But fa You… It wurks boo bala. (New York Jew impression)
You need her to see you as not just a potential partner, and option… Hells no. Options get turned down, passed over. Overlooked. You need to prove that you are the man for her. The Only Option. You are friends. Real. Actual. Friends.
BS: Scoff Friends. scoff What part of the game is this?
... ... ...
Arrrgh...FiiiiinnnnaH…
Well then. Basics…Starting with making this whole criminal trespass situation equitable for her. Restore the sense of security and safety in her new home that Dr. Wack Job stole from her. If you're gonna be her friend then, Be Her Friend Leo! Period. Stand up for her man. You do it for them and they are usually in the wrong.
JP: Yup! Yup! So Friends. Huh? No. Thissss…This is great. We can work from here. You…Ho..hooo
Huff …want the…Gulp
wife and kids thing huh? Eventually. Eventually!
And...she is a suspect…Erm potential candidate. Eventually. Maybe.
BS: Suspect! Suspicious. Maaah…maahhh
Beverly and Alfred Hofstadter's youngest child nods carefully at his older cousin/big brother. Concern for his other cousin/big brother's distress.
LH: Is Barney gonna be alright? Is he having a seizure or something.
JP: No. He's fine. So here is the sum total of our beginners level knowledge for serious dating. You want a ack..r-r-re-Re-lationship.
James struggles to say the word as if it tastes sour in his mouth and burns his tongue.
Well cool. Uhm, well here; Read up!
Leonard gets a new chat alert from his laptop. He opens the message and reads aloud.
Get back in shape; preferably a Martial Art for confidence.
JP: You got your black belt in Tang Soo Do right? Build on that. You're looking kind of hungry cuz. You look like you done-gone-and-went rexie out there in Plastic Land? Build your stamina back up.
I box, dance and do Goju Ryu Karate. Barney does Judo, Kendo and dances ballroom.
Barney stands up and bows semi-formally to the other two men who appear on his computer screen.
The gesture of respect is returned in kind.
Leonard continues to read the texts aloud:
Put some healthy weight back on. Get out of the Damn lab and off the freaking couch!
BS: Look. Getting used to punches and kicks to the face and body again will harden you against rejection.
~Feigning dispare with a mocking hand on his exasperated brow…
BS: She said no. Oh My God it hurts so much I just wanna die.
Pft Please.
That's Their fragile female egos…femegos…Fem-E-Go? Femgo? Nah. Doesn't pop.
Anyway that's their fragile egos talking. Not ours. Yeah it stings but after a while you don't notice. Like getting blasted in the face. After the first time you get knocked out…meh. You learn to slip that shit cuz. Side step that rejection. Reverse it, then no, intercept it. Yes.
~ When you reach the final level…Your mind body and soul...
JP: BARNEY!
Leonard chuckles at his cousins quirk...
BS: Right. Back on track. Hem hem…
Intercept the rejection. Ya know …with charm, humor, banter or just the raw animal in you. It's the same difference. And you won't back down if some wannabe alpha douchebag tries to get all douche baggy! Making you look and feel weak by comparison.
JP: Barney.
BS: What...
JP: Sorry cuz… He ain't wrong though. Friendship is great but good old biology and hormones can kill any romantic inroads you try to make.
You don't need to Hulk out like that, what was it? No, what did you call him?
LH: Jigantor the Roidasaurus Ex.
BS: Snerk. Copyright it!
James nods sagely.
LH: Yeah. I guess being more physically appealing will bring down any biological barriers like my lack of the physique type that she seems to prefer. Besides, I don't want to stroke out before 50. I miss it. Training, being in shape, fighting. There wasn't enough time…work an-
J.P.: Yes there was!
He rolls his eyes.
You just planted yourself into a nice little couch potato. Work and relationships are always The Excuse. Spudly! …
Little Cuz, we all prefer the attractive package. Best believe the fitness industry isn't a multibillion dollar industry just because of our personal vanity.
We humans are attracted to the most viable red fit candidates for mating. Never underestimate the power of pheromones Leo.
James steps into a small room off to the side of his desk. His personal wash room.
BRB AFK
BS: Seems to Prefer? She hasn't gotten a good look at the goods yet. So get them up to spec. You want her eyes to pop out of her head the first time you have to take your shirt off. Wink wink
LH: Oh you mean like…
Leonard stands up and lifts his shirt to reveal a defined yet slight build with the tracing of a distinct set of abdominal muscles.
BS: Snerk Yo James! Leonard has an eight pack too! Ha ha sucks to be you Pudgy! B. T. Dub keep reading. It gets good here!
LH: Dress better! Suit Up!
BS: Seriously, match her effort. Hell, …Out Dress Her. Make her bring Her A game. Back that Stuff up Cuzzo! Take her where she can't just show some cleavage or leg. Make her dress up and have a reason to. She will be dressing for you, the venue is just an excuse. And You better be equal or better bro! It also shows that yo u appreciate the effort that she goes through to look good for you. Or she'll drop you for the dude that does make the effort. And it's not that hard cuzzo. Wanna lose the girl because you're being lazy?
LH: Dancing
BS: We suffered through the lessons and they are paying off in Uhn…Uhnn dividends…Women love to dance. Especially with us. It's one of the only places besides the bedroom that they are cool with you being outwardly possessive or dominant. READ HER SIGNALS AND SET THE TONE.
When in. doubt let her lead for a while. Give and take cuz. It's a dance. Your sex life can be hot and blazing or boring and tentative. Dust off your ballroom skills. It's like a partner drill for the real thing. Yeah all dancing is dirty. Get it ? Ya get it? Well do ya? Come on…
A leather cushion hits Barney in the head. Knocking him off his brother's chair.
JP: Sorry Leo. My little brother was typing on my work computer when I was AFK. But he is not wrong. Suit Up Cuz! And Yeah Dancing is a great mood setter. Physical, innocent but not. Set the tone for the night between you two. On the dance floor is where you start the physical seduction. So stand up let me see.
Leonard rolls his eyes and removes his t-shirt. He knows James will want to do a proper assessment.
JP: Okay. You lost a lot of mass but it seems that you packed on dense skeletal muscle. You obviously stopped lifting though. What are you doing? Running? How frequent and what else?
LH: 7 miles minimum daily. Sometimes Double when I ride the bike or I use my skateboard to commute. Mostly when I can't drive that narcissistic d-bag without wanting to crash us and put me out of his misery. Uhm… 30, one minute circuits for pre exhaustion. Then technique drills, conditioning and hardening. Sparing and rolling if anyone is around for it. Followed by shadow boxing and Forms. 5 mile cool down. Then I get ready for work.
BS: When? When do you find the time?
LH: Marine time at 04:00:00 daily. Then again at 16:45:00 pm Sun - Friday for 2-3 hours. Like Uncle Floyd taught me. I get up and get it done before everything else is awake. No time for real training or fighting. I miss it. I feel slow and weak.
James Rolls his Eyes.
JP: You actually are in excellent shape. Unless you intend to quit physics for the UFC you're good. Cuz. I stand corrected. I'm used to you looking like a thick nerdy bulldog with no neck. You have a neck!?
Snerk
BS: Props cuz. Getting off the "anabolic agro-train". That's right ladies. We are tight, compact, light on our feet and ready for whatever.
With that statement Cousin Barney begins a mocking salute to a certain professional wrestling icon's signature posting routine.
Four AM though! I'm usually just rolling in about then …
LH: Hahahaha. Y- y- yeah.
James Rolls his eyes again.
JS: I'm getting a headache here. He is right. Dress the part. For her. For work. For yourself. It's about how You see Yourself. The social feedback is subconscious and we perceive and absorb it unknowingly. So wear the uniform. To show people what you already know. You are awesome so just wear the uniform man. When in doubt..
Suit up!
LH: They both dress to impress, and they always impress. I need to get some dance practice in too. There are cabarets with live music in town. Like the ones Simone found downtown. They are classy and sexy, but not meat market singles venues. I hated those places. Okay. Sexy but sophisticated and Cool. I can do that. I think…
What's wrong Barney?
BS: Say it ain't so Leo. Ma.. mon…monogamy? Are you on the crack?
… …
J.P.: Ignore him. Keep reading
LH: The list continues?…
Hugs!
JP: She gives and likes hugs. Real hugs man. DO NOT try to cop-a-feel unless She goes there First or gives you the go ahead.
Shaking his head in the negative.
LH: Her hugs are great. So warm and full of caring and …I'm not gonna ruin that. I'm not Wolowitz or Koothrappali.
Light Teasing
BS: Keep it mostly verbal. Be funny, banter, never mean or creepy. Especially not Creepy. Keep it witty and non-sexual until She goes there. Then be funny, not freaky! Be mean/neg only if she is actually into that.
LH: Like Xander and Cordelia, verbal foreplay?
JS: Be careful there. That's advanced stuff, little cuz.
Light mostly friendly touches; to get past any anxiety and or awkwardness.
JS: Be careful With tickling as it can get sexual very fast!
LH: Hold off until we are pretty close friends and she is actually 'encouraging' me? How do I know that? I mean I know when …erm sex.. but…
A text alert pops up as if to answer him…
Be there, the best friend you can be, especially when she is dating others.
JP: Be cool. However, don't ever be completely accessible. If you play it right. She'll break dates just to hang with you. Be aware and ready for her to make her move.
LH: R-right. I remember…I will be taken for granted. I am taken for granted. Treated as disposable! Just like Barney and Katherine said that I would. It stops! And won't start with her.
Start the friendship as balanced as possible and keep it that way. Correct my other unbalanced relationships. No exceptions. Thanks Cousin Jamie!
JP: Er ..of course Leo. Um…She needs to see you as a scarce commodity, not always available when she wants it. Make her look for you. Around but not at her beck and call. Don't play yourself cousin.
Leonard nods and continues to read
You ain't Keith Sweat so 'simping' is off limits to you!
BS: You'll just be a doormat. Many make that mistake. Guys like him have a complete game plan.
Be available When you are needed but not Always.
B.S: Do you want yet another adult that is completely dependent on you?
JP: No! You do not! I've Been there, and hated it! (in a sing-song voice) No, you want a partner, not a grown child. Trust me man. No amount of sex, romance or even love can make an immature useless asshole anything but dead weight.
Looking over to his little brother.
JP: NO! Not you Barney. You have always been lower maintenance than me.
James's screen is filled as his little brother clamps down on him " the hug of death"
Shaking his head at their antics, Leonard continues to read aloud:
Do not be afraid to say no. Set limits.
BS: The word No is a full sentence with a period at the end of it.
JP: Don't be too easy. Be subject to no one's whims but your own. People have to earn that level of intimacy with trust and mutual respect.
LH: Sheldon Cooper has not. He is ungrateful, disrespectful, bullying and demanding. He never even tries, he just presumes and takes liberties. His presumption et all ends January 1, 2008 12:01 am. No lease and equal partnership in the apartment then I am gone!
The next bullet point punctuates the conclusion of his previous train of thought.
Find your own place and grow into yourself with no outside interference.
BS: You are a grown man. College is over, you can live on your own. Privacy makes a difference. You have rental properties. Move into one.
Barney rolls his eyes at having to say something so obvious.
LH: Y-yeah. Otherwise, what do I have to offer as a person? Much less as a man. A romantic or even just a sexual partner. Privacy, huh what's that?
Nods from the other two on the screen affirm his thinking.
Don't judge. But still have and keep your standards.
BS: Do not be a hypocrite.
JP:You Will run into judgmental double standards as a man. Yes, that is hypocrisy, but..
LH:Yeah, a subject for close friends to work out.
Be Sincere and Don't Deceive but Do Not Blurt!
JP: Keep the depth of your feelings to yourself until the right time. At Least 8-12 months usually. Meaning it requires huge trust and maturity in the relationship. If it ain't there, as in you getting it back; then don't say it until it is. If it's not. Well…
BS: Be careful though…younger folks are really squeamish about everything serious. Especially those in their early 20's. Growing up and the idea of actually acting like an adult to a young fresh out of High School…
JP: …with Similac still on their breath.
BS: To younger twenty-something, responsibility and maturity are like crucifixes and holy water to a Vampire. Keep it light cuz.
LH: Right! Trust and Mutual respect is the bare minimum for any serious talks or commitments. And maturity of the people and the relationship.
I remember the Uncles' talks. Friendship. Always be friends first with a girl you really like. Let the horny idiots settle for the scraps she daines to throw them while she is slumming. Er…um Bar…
Waving him off
BS: Meh..I ain't complaining.
He awkwardly continues on:
Let the friendship breathe and enjoy the scenic route. Find some good landmarks to hang out at.
LH: What does he mean by landmarks? Landmarks?
BS: Like the valley in between her…
A cushion hits him in his head again.
… …
LH: How…? Where did…? What the…?!
JS: Ignore his antics. Read the next bit. It's explained
The middle Hofstadter child continues
Go out. Go on DATEs as friends; friendly flirty dates.
BS: Make sure that the friendship plus DATEs are fun, not just Groin…uhm.. seduction related. Always have a good mix. It really depends on the tone and your Loose Plan for the date.
JP: Never have an agenda for a date. Women can sniff out agendas and will shut it down just to test your improv skills.
BS: All 'plans' should be fluid and adaptable.
JP: Do however 'plan' to spend at least three to four times the money and time than you originally intended. A good date can stretch to the next day. A great date can be kept going over a weekend or more.
Leonard is satisfied with the clarifications, however his cousins continue:
BS: The environment may also offer opportunities for a better time. But you will have scoped that out beforehand. Right?
JP: You must be prepared for your Unexpected Opportunities to show up. Greet those opportunities as friends. They will allow you to show your lady friend that you are a fun and spontaneous guy.
BS: Not too uptight, rigid or cheap! The Trifecta of Entry Level Dating Death.
E.L.D.D.!! It's a thing. Read my urban lifestyle blog …uh..last Monday's entry
LH: Hahahaha
JP: Ann-ty way…
James gestures for his baby cousin to continue reading
Be interesting. Be active in living Your life. Just Enjoy Life. Outside!
JP: If you are busy living your life and enjoying it, then you are doing interesting things worth talking and finding out about.
BS: And since you aren't always around : She has to wonder.
In a mock female voice, Barney clarifies:
What's he up to? Is he having fun? Without me? I'm not having fun without him. Are there hot women there?
I'm his normal voice he finishes
It sucks, but she does it to you.
JP: If she is interested, then she Is being aloof and luring you by distancing herself. She is trying to make you chase her. Don't do it! She may think that is what she wants but it isn't.
BS: Because then you will be just like every other scrub that she dumps.
Remember like Uncle Leroy said:
Accept all and chase none…
LH: Barney, that was about bridging and trapping to grappling in Wing Chun and…Not trying to dictate the action. Flow and adapt…
"…take what is being offered, then go for yours…"
Of course!
BS: Aaahhh! But it applies to dating directly! Now…
Raises his eyebrow. After receiving the attention and focus needed to get the discussion back on track…
BS: Make her chase you. At least meet you halfway. Be elsewhere. Anywhere else that is interesting and fun. For reals. Don't play. act. it!
Be awesome. And she will come. Step up at work. When you are winning the pheromones are thick cuz. All I do is win and look at me 163 and counting.
JP: Damn Barney. I'm not judging but ewe. Little brother. Ewe. 163 really? No! Just No Leo!
LH: Okay! I can do that. N-no! Not the psychotic self destructive sex spree, but the availability thing. Have you been tested for nymphomania Barney?
BS: Please.
LH: Oh-kay. Being more present in my own life than everyone else's. Thanks for that Barney. But Jamie is right. Ewe! Just how could you? It hasn't fallen off yet?.
Snerk
BS: Ha.ha.ha. I will get to two hundred then Timmy Miller will rue the day!
LH: Oookay. Continuing…
Keep some mystery and make her work a little.
JS: She will appreciate You more if She Has to actually take an interest. If She doesn't make the Effort to Get to Know You, then Why waste Your time?
BS: She's a prankster right? Good. This is your wheelhouse Leo! Prank her until she gives up! Funny and embarrassing, not humiliating. Plus she'll respect your prank game. Women admire creative men. The Playlist. It's a prank grimoire . Most women blow me off. Those are the uptight chicks. Probably between bored and marginalized boyfriends.
The fun ones play along. Because they have a sense of humor. And adventure. I give them both. SLARPing. Sexual Live Action Role Play. And I have leveled up Cuz.
Well…Fun..Adventure..escape from normal b.s. and...
Orgasms…I mean do they even try for us? Then go tell their friends that….
James rolls his eyes. Sensing that Barney is about to go on a rant, picks up the conversation.
JP: Yeah. Sucks for you guys. Glad I'm gay. Barney is right. You want to get her laughing With you, at yourselves. An active participant.
BS:…You do not want to have her feeling bullied or disrespected or the butt of your jokes. This will also let you know if she really has a sense of humor or is just kinda amusing. Just remember that You are drawn to girls who are funny and creative.
BS: And go for it. If she's game. The competition will also drive sexual tension. The humor of the situation will keep things from getting too intense too fast. Small little adventures in silliness to ease the life tension, while ramping up the sexual tension. Heat of the moment is alright, just recognize it for what it is and keep enjoying the entire friendship.
… … ...
BS: You act like I have never been in one of those…those… Re- ack! Rel-
JP: Okay, little brother. It's okay. So we have work to get to. If you have any questions about anything we're here.
BS; Yeah cuzzo. Get all those voices out of your head making you doubt man. Cause if you really listen, the voice telling you to hold back an…blah…blah isn't yours. It's every sorry excuse for a human being that had a stake in You not being who You are.
JP: Cough… cough… Beverly!…ack…ack..Mikey!…Dr. Whack Job!…
BS: cough….cough…Creepy busted Ringo!…Ack..ack.. Speckerman…Benadetto!
Barney and James in unison flash predatory grins
BS: Make em burn in your shine cuz. And don't go so slow that she just friend zones you because you ended up making her feel rejected. Pay attention. Don't jumoa at the first opportunity but don't let it pass by either. You're good there. Cuz. You got this.
LH: Heh…heh, I guess. We gotta have some actual fun, otherwise we will end up in a super serious drag that will be boring and stagnant.
~ Fade to Black
End