55. The beginning of the end

Suddenly my eyes are open,

Everything comes into focus, oh,

We are all illuminated,

Lights are shining on our faces, blinding

We are, we are, blinding.*

Harry woke up to the door slamming. He lifted his eyelids, but the image before his eyes was blurry. All he could see above him was a dark vault. He turned his head to the side and looked at the empty seat next to him. The place where there should be-

Severus!

He rose abruptly on his elbows and looked around the dark bedroom, searching for the familiar, dark figure. Then he heard the sound of water being turned on and a soft splashing sound. He smiled to himself and fell back onto the pillow. For a split second, he was struck by the terrifying thought that he had dreamed the whole thing. That everything that happened yesterday was just... some beautiful, unreal dream that he had just woken up from.

It wasn't a dream though.

He pulled himself into a sitting position, leaned against the headboard of the bed, and reached for his glasses on the nightstand. The image in front of his eyes sharpened. He looked around and saw his clothes still lying on the bedroom floor. Severus's robe was gone.

He had no idea what time it was. It was always dark here. The complete lack of windows meant that even in the middle of the day it seemed like night. Perhaps he missed breakfast. Maybe he should be in some boring class right now. Maybe everyone was looking for him... but right now he didn't care at all. He felt such warmth in his heart, as if an eternal fire that could not be extinguished was burning within him. He felt as if he was filled with a blinding light and everything he thought about was lost in its shadow, meaningless, worthless. He might have called it happiness, except that the word didn't even half describe what he was feeling.

Whenever he closed his eyes, he immediately remembered every little detail from the last night. Every single kiss, every scar on Severus' body, every brush of his hand. Everything was as clear as if he was watching a Muggle movie. He couldn't stop smiling.

He only came back to reality when the roaring water stopped flowing and the bathroom fell silent. He opened his eyes and looked at the door. He missed Severus. He wanted to finally see him. He had the impression that time was dragging on like a rubber band.

He finally heard them - the steps. His heart immediately skipped a beat, and when he saw the doorknob move, it almost flew out of his chest.

Severus stood in the bathroom doorway, dressed in his black robes, his hair slightly damp. Harry felt as if the fire that had been warming his heart had now spread over his entire body, flooding him with a flood of joy. A radiant smile appeared on his lips.

Oh, Severus looked the same, and yet so... different. Or maybe Harry was looking at him differently now? He had the same thin lips, the same deep crease between his eyebrows, the same piercing black eyes - nothing had changed in him, and yet Harry had the impression that everything had changed. As if until now he could only see the deadly beast from behind a thick glass, and now he could touch it without fear of being bitten. He knew he was probably the only person in the world who could admire this beast so closely; who managed to tame it.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully. He saw the frown between Severus' eyebrows deepen and a strange, incongruent expression of melancholy appear on his face.

"The bathroom is now available," Severus replied quietly. "It's quite early. If you hurry, we'll still have some time."

"Oh, of course," Harry said quickly, jumping out of bed. He saw black eyes slide down his naked body, but it didn't embarrass him at all. He knew Severus liked looking at him. Harry deliberately stood with his back to him as he bent down to pick up his clothes from the floor, and held back a burst of laughter at the last moment as he turned around and saw the fire fading from the man's eyes and the long fingers gripping the robes.

"Potter, you are-"

"Yes, I know," Harry interrupted. "I'm a cheeky little provocateur." Severus's narrowed eyes told him everything and Harry once again stopped himself from bursting into laughter at the last moment. "I'll be right back," he said cheerfully, walking past Severus, who still had an even more visible look of melancholy on his face. But Harry was too blinded by joy to notice.

He never washed and dressed so quickly. All he wanted was to get back to Severus. When he opened the door, the man was sitting on the made bed with his hands clasped and his eyes focused on the floor, but he jumped up quickly when he heard Harry leaving the bathroom.

Harry stopped in the doorway, surprised by such a sudden reaction. For a moment he just stood there and stared at Severus, who was watching him with an unreadable, strangely gloomy look. An uncomfortable silence fell in the room.

Oh god, he wanted to touch him so badly right now! Feel it under your fingers, on his skin, on his lips...

He walked up to Severus and stopped right in front of him, then slowly raised his hand and placed it on his robe at chest level. He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling the rough fabric and heartbeat under his fingers. More and more powerful, more violent. In the silence around him, he could hear Severus's breathing quicken. He opened his eyes and looked up at the face of the man who was now looking at him as if he wanted to caress him with his gaze alone. Severus' lips were slightly parted and Harry wondered if he could do it? Can he kiss him? Can he really? He knew those lips belonged to him, but he still had the fear that he might be pushed away if he tried.

Then Severus moistened his dry lips with his tongue. His breathing was getting faster and faster, and Harry had a vague feeling that it was his closeness that was having this effect on the man.

He didn't hesitate any longer. He stood on his tiptoes and pressed his lips against the thin lips, which parted under the pressure of his tongue and allowed him to slip into the warm interior of his mouth. He quickly found Severus' tongue and wrapped his own around it. It was so wet, hot, sweet... It was exactly how he remembered it. But before he could think of anything else, he heard a loud groan, but he couldn't tell which one made it, and at that same moment everything burst into flames. He felt arms wrap around him tightly. Severus scooped him up, squeezing him so tightly that he wanted to melt with him, and pressed against his lips, almost crushing them. He bit into them with such passion, as if he was missing air and could only find it in Harry's mouth.

Harry felt his hand in his hair, squeezing tightly, maybe even too tightly, but he couldn't control his desire, digging his nails painfully into the man's back and wanting more, more, wanting to sink into his mouth. He started rubbing against the rough robe, feeling that he was already hard. Severus was hard too.

Suddenly Snape tore away his wet, red lips and, breathing heavily, whispered into his mouth.

"We don't have much time."

Harry lifted his eyes. His glasses were crooked and fogged up, but he could see those shiny black eyes above him, staring at him with something indefinable, disturbing.

"When will you come back? When will I see you again?" Harry asked quietly, closing his eyes as Severus' lips pressed against his temple. He couldn't imagine that now that he finally had all of him, he would lose him again. Even if it was only for a few days. He knew it would be weeks, if not months, for him.

"I don't know," Snape replied, burying his face in his hair and inhaling deeply its scent. "It can take time."

"Do you have to leave? Can't you stay with me?"

"It's impossible." Was Harry imagining it, or did he feel that melancholy again? "I have no choice. Anyway, I don't know yet when I'll get the call."

Harry pursed his lips.

Voldemort. Voldemort again! It's all because of him again.

"You know you can come here any time?" Severus continued, brushing his lips against Harry's forehead. "Whenever you want. Even today."

Didn't Severus know that Harry would rather never leave? He planned to spend every free moment here. As long as he has permission to do so.

Harry nodded, tilting his head back and letting Severus' lips rest on his neck.

"I know. I will miss you."

"I know," Severus replied. "You will."

Harry smiled despite the sadness that overwhelmed him. He couldn't count on the same confession, but Severus' confidence was disarming.

"Did you... get everything you wanted yesterday?" Snape asked suddenly, his lips stopping a millimeter from Harry's skin. Harry felt as if the man was holding his breath.

"Oh yes, even more," he replied, smiling slightly. "Much more than I ever wanted."

Severus exhaled and placed a long kiss on his jaw. And then he pulled back and looked down at him with an unreadable gaze. Harry felt like the man was trying to tell him something with that look, but he had no idea what.

"Let's go," he said finally, releasing Harry from his embrace. "You better come back before your friends wake up." After these words, he passed him by and went straight to the living room.

Harry sighed in resignation. He didn't feel like going. At all. He would rather stay here. Even for an eternity.

He turned and shuffled after the man. Severus stood by the door to the office, his arms crossed and his face hidden behind a curtain of hair. Harry took the jacket he planned to wear to Hogsmeade and the invisibility cloak from the armchair. He walked up to Severus and stopped next to him.

"Well... see you later," he said. He felt as if a noose was tightening around his heart. Harder and harder.

Severus didn't look at him. He was looking somewhere at the floor, but after a while he looked up and Harry felt a shiver at the sight of his eyes. But he had no idea why. They didn't seem changed. But there was something behind them... he didn't know what. As if something was moving, fighting behind them?

When the man didn't answer, Harry turned toward the door, but he had only taken a step before he felt long fingers tighten around his wrist. He looked at Severus with surprise. The man opened and closed his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but apparently he couldn't, because after a few seconds he clenched them tightly, licked them, and simply pulled Harry toward him, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss. Harry felt his knees go weak. Severus caressed his lips, tongue and palate, hungrily but not painfully. Voracious, but not violently. As if he wanted to savor it, remember the texture, the warmth and the taste of his lips.

Harry moaned as Severus removed his lips and took a deep breath of the air that had escaped his lungs. The kiss ended as suddenly as it had started, and before Harry could recover, he heard Severus whisper.

"I'll see you out."

He nodded unconsciously and allowed himself to be led through the office, feeling the man's hand grip his hand tightly.

When they stopped in front of the door, Severus reached for his wand and removed the locking charm, then put it back and turned to Harry. For a while he just stared at him, his gaze moving over his face. After a moment, however, he stopped them on his cheek and slowly raised his hand, touching Harry's skin. He stroked it gently and thoughtfully.

"I didn't mean to hit you," he suddenly said in a strange, distant voice. "But sometimes everything gets out of control and we have no influence on it. It's stronger than us."

Harry's eyes widened when he heard these words from Snape.

"It doesn't matter," he replied, a little uncertainly. "It's not important. I've already forgotten about it."

Severus smiled weakly.

"That's good."

The cold fingers disappeared and Snape lowered his hand, then reached for the doorknob and looked at Harry. Harry understood the suggestion. He gave him a warm smile and put on his cloak. Severus opened the door for him, and Harry, without turning around again because every look at Severus caused a twinge of pain, went out into the corridor.

Only when he had taken a few steps did he hear a quiet door slam. And suddenly he felt very, very lonely.

"Harry, why don't we go out for some flying today, like the last time?"

"No thanks, I don't feel like it," Harry muttered as he and Ron walked down the student-filled corridor during the break between Herbology and Charms.

"Maybe we could play Exploding Snap tonight? I'm going to kick your ass this time."

"No thanks, maybe another time," Harry replied, turning into a side corridor with a few other Gryffindors.

Ron hung his head and shuffled along without saying a word.

Harry was annoyed at his insistence and wasn't at all sorry for disappointing him. He didn't feel like doing anything today. He planned to spend the evening in his dorm, recalling the previous night's memories and masturbating.

Throughout the day he balanced between hysterical joy and depression. With a wide smile on his face and a dazed look in his eyes, he replanted the groaning gracemes, which drove almost everyone to a madness with their wailing. With a dreamy expression on his face, he listened to the treatise about the great battle between goblins and giants on the Cotswold Hills in 1823. Even Hermione, unusually, didn't comment on him, she just looked at him carefully from time to time. During lunch, however, he did not touch a single bite, sitting with his head down and glancing at the staff table every now and then. Severus hadn't been out for any meals today, even though he was still at the castle - Harry knew this because he had been carrying the Marauder's Map with him all day and checking to see if Severus had left.

"Harry! Harry!"

Harry stopped and looked around the corridor. He spotted Luna's blonde hair among the students, but everyone seemed to give her a wide berth. Only when she got closer did it become clear why. On her head was a hat with a swinging hand that Harry had given her for Christmas. Ron's eyes widened when he saw it, and Harry decided it probably wasn't the best gift after all.

"Hi," she smiled absently, stopping in front of them and glancing up at the hand that was currently showing its middle finger to her, which Ron was staring at with his mouth open. "Oh, I know, I shouldn't have worn it to class, but it was so lonely in the dormitory that I couldn't leave it there again. It would be sad."

The hand swung in response and tried to grab her nose, but Luna shooed it away.

"Don't bother me now," she said to the hand, then turned to Ron and Harry. "It likes to banter."

Ron swallowed as he saw the clenched fist making circles in the air, preparing to strike.

"I wouldn't call it banter."

"Oh, it won't hurt me. But it can do that to you, so it's best not to get too close."

Ron jumped back as if he had been scalded, but Harry stayed where he was.

"You wanted to talk to me?"

"Oh yes. Tonks told me to ask if you could come to her place a little earlier than you made an appointment."

Harry's eyes widened. The lessons with Tonks! He completely forgot about it!

"Er..."

Bugger! Right now he had the least desire for extracurricular activities.

"Tell her I can't come today. I- Something came up."

Luna frowned and tilted her head slightly, looking at him closely.

"Don't worry. There's no shame in forgetting. Every time you are really happy, you tend to forget about the whole world."

Harry felt a slight blush rising to his cheeks.

Damn, how did she notice that? He didn't have it written all over his face, did he?

"If I were you, I'd probably forget too," she smiled at him friendly and turned around. "See you later then, Harry." After these words, she moved in the other direction. The hand on her head turned to them and showed them the middle finger.

"What was she talking about?" Ron asked, walking up to Harry.

"Er..."

"What appointment with Tonks?"

"Oh, that… That's nothing. I just asked Tonks for extra lessons in Defense."

Ron looked at him in surprise.

"What for? You're the best in class. In fact, I suspect even the best in the entire school. You're not turning into Hermione, are you?"

Harry shook his head.

"No, I just decided I'd like to learn a few more spells. Just in case."

"You know everything about Defense."

"Not enough."

Ron shrugged.

"Okay, do what you want." After these words, he moved forward without waiting for Harry. "If you feel like spending some time with your friend, let me know." He threw it over his shoulder.

Harry sighed. Why didn't Ron understand that... that what? That he preferred to sit alone in his dormitory and think about Snape rather than play stupid games or fly aimlessly in a snowstorm?

For Merlin's sake, yesterday Severus kissed him, sucked him off, undressed in front of him, made love to him, Harry confessed his love to him! And today... would he be playing Exploding Snap with Ron? It seemed absurd to him.

The truth was that he liked playing with Ron and he liked, nay, loved Quidditch. But in the light of what he had experienced and received, everything he had always liked now seemed completely... meaningless.

The priorities.

After class, Harry quickly escaped Ron and ran to the dormitory. He had a plan and he had to hurry if he wanted to implement it.

Sitting on the bed, he opened his hands and looked at the small red box in his hands. A gift that he had prepared for Severus on Valentine's Day, and which he had not had the opportunity to give him yet.

He hesitated. He knew that Severus hadn't left yet and that he was still in the castle. He had no idea how long he might be gone. And he would like... he would like to give it to him before he leaves. Just so he knows...

He'll just go for a moment. He will deliver the box and leave quickly. After all, Severus said he could come whenever he wanted. They have already said goodbye. He suspected that if he saw him again, he would go through the same experience as in the morning, and he didn't want to do that at all. He'll just... surprise him before he leaves. Yes, exactly!

He jumped out of bed and pulled out the Marauder's Map from under his pillow. As he expected, Severus was still in Dumbledore's office, which he had entered about fifteen minutes ago. The last time Harry remembered, he had spent almost an hour there, which meant he had plenty of time. Especially since - as he noticed - Severus had so much work today that he didn't look into his chambers even for a moment all day.

Harry stuffed the invisibility cloak into one pocket, put the box in the other, ran down the stairs and hurried through the Common Room. Hermione, who was sitting with Ron at one of the tables in the corner of the room studying, looked up, and when she saw him, she threw away her quill and jumped to her feet.

"Harry? I thought you were in the Room of Requirement. I need to talk to you-"

"Not now," Harry told her, reaching the hole in the wall. "Be right back." After these words, he walked through the hole, looked around the corridor and put on his cloak. He ran down the next floors with excitement rising in his heart. He imagined Severus' face when he found the box. But he couldn't imagine his reaction when he read what Harry had written on it. He just hoped he liked it. At least a little.

It was cold in the dungeons. It was always cold here, but in winter the temperature could drop so low that the steam formed when breathing. But luckily only in the corridors. It was pleasant in the classrooms and in Snape's chambers. Harry stopped in front of the door to the Potions Master's office and, his heart beating fast, he whispered the password.

"Dipsas."

The heavy door moved and slowly opened. The room was dark. The only light came from the candelabrum on the desk. Harry closed the door quietly behind him and walked to the door leading to the chambers.

He wondered if he had to say the password here too, but he preferred to say it just in case.

"Dipsas."

The door creaked open and opened in front of him. Harry smiled and went inside. He felt a cool breeze on his skin, which was strange because there were no windows for the wind to blow through.

The living room was better lit than the office. Even though the fireplace was extinguished, several candles burned in holders on the walls. Harry looked around the room. He knew everything here, but he had only ever seen it from a distance. He wondered where it would be best to leave the box so that Severus would definitely see and find it. He walked over to one of the shelves, which, in addition to books, also held several strange-looking items and a quill stand. He looked closely at the feathers, but the one he had given Severus for his birthday was not among them. He wondered where the man kept his gift. And where did he keep the figurine? In fact, he had never seen it anywhere.

He turned and looked around the room again. It was always so quiet here. Completely different from Gryffindor Tower. There was always a commotion there, even in the dormitory he could hear voices coming from the Common Room. After so many years spent alone, he enjoyed the company of others, but sometimes he needed silence. And here he could always find it.

The table. Maybe he'll just put the box on the table? He moved towards the countertop, which gleamed in the wavering candlelight, but before he reached it, a faint green glow caught his attention. Harry stopped and turned around, searching for its source. He took a step back and saw it. A small gap between the shelves. A crack leading to Severus' secret laboratory.

Severus must have been in a hurry to leave the door open...

Harry often wondered what kind of potion Severus was brewing and what else he was doing in that laboratory. Slowly and carefully, he approached the crack and peered through it. He saw a candle burning green and a piece of a black cauldron.

No.

He won't go in there. Severus trusted him, giving him the password to his chambers. He can't just-

He peered through the crack again. The fire under the cauldron was extinguished. And that meant Severus had finished his mysterious potion. He moved a little and saw a vial next to the cauldron. And then something clicked in his mind.

This was the potion! That potion Severus poured into his tea!

Without thinking, he stuck his hands between the gap and opened the passage enough for him to slip through.

He slowly approached the table, staring at the gleaming greenish bottle and feeling his heart beating faster and faster.

Why? Why did Severus give him the potion he had been preparing for so long to drink? It was... intriguing. What kind of potion was that? What did it cause? Why couldn't Harry go to Hogsmeade without it?

Dozens of questions were swirling in his head. He stood and looked at the bottle, as if he was trying to force it to reveal its secrets with his eyes alone.

Book. He remembered that there was a book around here somewhere that Severus used when preparing the potion. Maybe he will find answers there. He turned and looked around the small room for the leather-bound volume, but then his eyes were drawn to the golden glow emanating from the Pensieve standing against the wall. The golden ribbons of thoughts were swirling and raising as if they were about to boil over, and among them Harry saw-

Intrigued, he took a step closer.

Yes, he wasn't wrong. He saw his own smiling face, and his crooked glasses, and a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead. But after a moment his face disappeared, and from the swirl of thoughts emerged... Voldemort's lizard face.

Harry frowned and moved even closer.

Voldemort was laughing. Harry could see the row of his sharp, yellow teeth. After a while, however, Voldemort disappeared and in his place appeared... a green vial.

Harry stopped in front of the Pensieve. He felt an inexplicable fear within him. Something was wrong and he could sense it with all his senses now screaming at him, trying to get his attention. He saw his own face again, Voldemort's laugh, the green vial.

What did it all mean? What did Voldemort have to do with this potion? And with Harry?

He swallowed hard. His skin was covered with goosebumps and his heart was pounding even faster, as if someone was hitting him in the chest with a hammer. It took him a moment to realize that he was biting his lip hard. Definitely too hard.

He had to know. He had to find out!

He gripped the box in his hand tighter, held his breath, and leaned forward, his face facing the golden surface.

He had to see what this was all about.

He felt a chill as his skin was immersed in the shimmering ribbons. The image in front of his eyes swirled and blurred. And as soon as it cleared, Harry realized that he had gone back to the moment where it all began.

And... he saw it.

* "Illuminated" by Hurts