I don't know what to do.
My hands are shaking from all of this cloudy judgment. It's making it so much harder for me to say the words. I love you? Or I don't?
There was once a point in time where I understood it before. I could say it with such ease. The look on your face seemed so happy and free of sorrow when I said it. But what if I didn't really mean those words? What if it was all just a screen, so that I could see your happiness as my entertainment? I loved the time we had together, I wouldn't take it back for the life of me. But the problem here is, I don't know how to properly love.
Months later, here we are. You have anger management problems. You have depression. You've been doing drugs. You've been trying your everything just to get me to come back to you. You have no choice but to come back to me. I give you comfort. I make you feel like you're not alone in the world. But now that I've left you, and taken away that false sense of security, you're feeling more alone now than ever.
I was the cause of your heart break. I'm the one who made you broken like this and yet you have no choice but to come crawling back for more of that false love that I gave you. I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to be at your side all the time. I wish I could, but I can't.
Our emotional baggage weighs us down. I'm not sure if I love you out of pity, and that is why I can't say those three words. I'm not sure if the choice of coming back to you would be a good one, even though you would dodge the words suicide and depression if I did. Would that be the right choice? I can't tell anymore.
I wanted to cry because of a television show that I watched today, but I found that I couldn't. I wanted to cry but my tears wouldn't come out. I didn't have the heart to...and yet here I am now, crying over you. I thought I had gotten over this weeks ago. I thought these feelings had already subsided. Can't you tell, too, that I can't seem to get over you either?
You made me really happy. There was this air of freedom around you that I absolutely loved. I wasn't judged for anything. I felt free when I was with you. I felt like nothing else mattered. You were all mine and I was yours. But this happiness didn't last for long because I decided that it would be better for us like this.
But my heart still hurts. I feel so hollow and sad inside and I can't get rid of it to this day. It's like my wings were ripped right out of my own back because of my words. What I said that day….
It meant everything to you and it meant everything to me.
Everything was my fault. I made a horrible mistake, making you go through this pain and suffering like this. What was I thinking? I just wanted you to be happy, and I took that happiness away from you. Just like that...our world collapsed.
There's nothing left of us anymore. There's nothing left to be rebuild, because it's all weighed down by the emotional baggage created by me.
Because of me...you might commit suicide. Your death...if you ever died I would ultimately die in the inside. That would be my last straw. I don't want to think about that. I don't want you to die because of me. I want you die with the person you're actually meant to be with...like you said...in the hospital..holding hands with them until your very last breath. I remember you telling me that. It touched my heart. At that moment I felt light...no one's ever said that to me.
You said it so innocently too… You put all your trust in me and I shattered it. I completely broke the masterpiece that was called you. You shouldn't have to go through this. I wish you would get over me soon. I wish you would forget all of those fun times we had at school together, when it was just us and nobody else. I want you to forget it was once just us against the world. I want you to forget about me….
But at the same time I still want you to remember that I was the only person who made you feel like that.
Because in my heart, there was once a hole there called you.
Maybe if we stopped talking to each other for a while, then these feelings would subside. You would find another girl, who would dedicate all of her time towards you, and I would find another guy, who would dedicate all of his time towards me. Then the balance wouldn't be unequal, or so I thought. I'm sorry that my feelings got ahead of us and I thought on what my heart wanted to do in that moment. I destroyed what was already perfect for us...so that I could do what was in my own agenda.
Day by day, this is only getting worse for you. You're stuck in a never ending cycle of depression because you chose not to get over me. But one day, you're going to find her. And one day, I'm going to find him. This is the only way I can reach a conclusion this way. It's better than constantly trying to cling on and hurt each other this way.
This will only add to the pain that's already there. So we should just let go...and find something that is even better than the us that once was.
As much as we wanted to be each others' antidotes...we were feeding each other poison, too.