8. That Time I Got Reincarnated as an Applebees Employee
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"Aaauuuuuuuh." I groan in great pain.
I have become one with the pile of knockedf out people. Turns out, we couldn't beat the superhuman cat girl and apocalypse bird. We got folded. We're no rabbit protocol!
To escape my piled prison, I get up! And then immediately sit down on the couch, pain everywhere because you can't parry radiation.
"Satori-sama, we've found the source of our… sudden change in behavior.."
Ever thought maybe you were all just a little messed up in the head?
"...It seems to be an effect from the cube Okuu found earlier. The same kind found in the Scarlet Devil Mansion." Satori floats the cube out from Orin's hand.
…That cube almost looks ominous!
She snapped her fingers. "Give these four some potions, it's the least we can do."
Orin punches a hole in the wall. Nationwide is not on your side!
Potion in hand, she drops it near me. "Can we just give 'em the cheap potions?"
"Their health is invaluable right now. The Miko will have us giving her foot massages if she receives word of this." Satori monotoned.
She shrugs. "Suit yer'self."
Orin leaves and Satori floats away with the cube in another direction.
I think that's it for our time in hell. Frikin power leveling.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
Walking around the same corner Satori floated to…
"What the fuck." I find myself confused. "Where the fuck?"
"Refrain from such profanity in the morning…" Purple mage comments tiredly "Oh, it's just you…"
I blink. "Did you teleport me here?"
"Would I have purposely teleported someone to interrupt my morning?"
True.
"Moreover, I apologize for my… less than normal behavior yesterday."
Frikin.
I sigh. "You mean when you launched the sun at me?"
"That's besides the point-! Anyway, I seem to have forgotten my manners." She has a fluffy look on her face right now.
"My name is Patchouli Knowledge, the librarian of the Scarlet Devil Mansion." Patchouli announces fluffily.
What a nice person. I sure hope they don't throw mega nukes at people.
"To give a more apt explanation as to why I was… like how I was yesterday." She floats something past the shelves. "This plastic toy."
It's that elementally unstable triceratops toy! But in a magical purple cage this time.
…
"You wouldn't be the first!" I think I'm piecing something together now.
"Do you know of anyone else that has been afflicted with confusion from this device?"
Patchouli puts down her book.
How should I say this.?
"Satori and her pets became power rangers and beat us up. Then I appeared here!" I exclaim.
…
"That wouldn't make a single bit of sense… If we weren't in Gensokyo. There must be more elementally unstable vessels around Gensokyo. Through my observations alone, they seem to siphon mana from their surroundings and randomly cast spells of every element. " She continues reading from the comically large book.
I know it's elementally unstable, but we've only seen it apply a bazillion stacks of confusion! That's not really elemental, unless confusion is an element.
"What does said elementally unstable vessel do other than whammy you?"
Click-click-click A ticking sound starts.
Shing..Shing…Shing.. Patchouli raises her hand whilst reading her book and three cubic barriers appear!
This is gonna go great.
"For every ticking sound it makes, this plastic toy generates about two kilowatts of energy."
We're from the EU servers, yo.
"Does it reanimate balloons?!" I back pedal a few feet away.
Patchouli didn't feel like it, however.. "No, it turns you into Goofy."
"And Sora?" I ask.
Poof. It makes a weak explosion in the background.
She raises an eyebrow and feels a wave of deja vu. "Sure."
That black haired fairy maid, Komi, walks in grumbling to herself. "Those dumbasses don't know how it feels.."
"How does it feel?" I greet the fun friend.
Komi sobs. "The hell do you want? Stupid outsiders.."
"What's got your panties in a bunch?" I thought she'd be more… dominating. "Frog up your ass?"
Patchouli chuckles at that. "I-I suppose she must not have been summoned by that outsider for a while."
"Hm. Kinky."
"He summoned me above the atmosphere last time.." Komi grumbles, walking past us.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
At the lobby, I notice a depressed cyan haired fairy sitting down next to the wall.
"Friend, do you know da wae?" I ask her.
…She lifts her head up. "Brad-kun?.. No, you can't be Brad-kun."
"Why not?"
"You stink!" She pinches her nose.
…
Okay… Onward to adventure!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
It's still pretty clear out, I'd say it's… afternoon. If only I had a watch.
A nice mix of the blue sky and white clouds, and you can actually see the sky! Unlike real life where everything was taken over by the machines and God died.
"manwakandabombaclat."
…
What the flippity dip is that.
"Take it… Easy!"
It's.. A giant head of that shrine maiden and a smaller head of Remillia.
They seem to be attacking a yellow and orange themed stand with a giant robot and green alien mascot!
I should go help-!
Bzzt-! Poof.
…
It got chased down by a fookin electric mine and poofed! This might be a fun place actually.
Running up to the stand, I notice a little green guy sitting behind the counter. "...What a weird meeting spot. Though I didn't come here to ask stupid questions, you got the… ice cream?"
The green dude plays along. "Sure do…"
A bowl with three big scoops of vanilla ice cream with a cherry on each scoop appears on the counter.
"That'll be 12.99, would you like to pay with cash or card?" A large robot intervenes.
Backing up, I hold out my (finger) gun! "I thought you said we was gonna meet one on one! You tryna get folded, foo?"
"You shouldn't have tried to fuck with the cartel, buster! One call away from having your entire family hung up." Green dude takes out an Iphone.
I knew I shouldn't have trusted him! He has an Iphone!
"I have our best sniper with a clear shot on your head right now. You sure you wanna do this, buddy." I insert my hand into my purse menacingly.
He smirks. "It's your last warning. Take the deal or your entire family dies."
…
"So that's like, 2 thousand yen?" I take out the coins.
"Yeah, gimme a second to calculate your change." Green dude goes behind the counter.
You aint livin if you not eating ice cream in Gensokyo! I still need a spoon though.
"Yo! Uh.." I don't think he ever told me his name. Maybe they've got a sign somewhere..
Looking above the stand it reads, BUD AND A.J.'S Original: FRESH & SQUEEZED.
"AJ! You got a spoon for this?" I raise the ice cream bowl.
You don't get a deal like this or ice cream in most places. Except for the bad part of town. It's free as long as you don't get mauled!
AJ dude is back. "Here's your change." He puts a few yen coins on the table. "Spoons are over there."
Sweet. Free plastic spoons for ice cream. "So, what brings you to Gensokyo?" Mmm, good ice cream.
"So this place is called Gensokyo? I'll have to write that down. We came here to advertise our fast food restaurant." AJ writes something down on a post it note…
And sticks it to the wall. "We prioritize quality over quantity…Most of the time."
Hm. Niche. But this ice cream is great! No one would know if it was 3D printed.
"So what kind of things do you sell?" I take a big scoop. Mmm, noice.
"Whatever we find, everything we sell is all natural." Surely it is.
Mmm. Oh God, brain freeze. Pain.
"We don't have that many ingredients at the current moment, so that ice cream is the only food we have." AJ picks at his teeth.
High quality comes with a price it seems. Mmm. Ice cream is great on a nice day like this.
Now that I look at it properly, I probably can't finish all of this. What to do..
Bam! Oh shit-!
Something just fell down from the sky.
The dust clears and it reveals… that blonde witch girl! Oh sheet, she gon kill me.
…She's just lyin down, unresponsive to prayers.
"Yo, you alive?" I poke at her.
Poke poke.
"T-The hell you want, ze?-oof." She faceplants back into the ground.
So I have the choice of giving this ice cream to this dying magical girl… or… letting her die and our million year long rivalry will end.
I sigh, crouching. "Say 'ah', Ms. Avdol."
Bringing the spoon closer to her face, I insert the white cream inside of her mouth.
Witchy witch swallows and coughs some back out. Must not have been prepared for the coolness of my white slushy cream.
…
She suddenly sits up and points that octagonal box of doom at me! "Where am I?!"
"Hey, you're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border too, right?" I put down the ice cream bowl.
"What? We on the edge of the Barrier?" She looks around some more.
"Friend, you fell down from the sky and I fed you ice cream." I point at the ice cream tub.
She looks a little calmed down at least. "Why did that ice cream taste good, ze?"
"It's all natural." AJ cuts in.
…She just stares at him.
"And you!" She turns to me "What's your name?"
"Brad. The one and only." I cross my arms.
She looks suspicious… "How many sex changes did you get? Damn, ze."
"I was on the journey to find the one piece!" I take out my metal arm. "This is a scar from a war from afar!"
She chuckles. "Y-you tryna find a new dress for your girlfriend?"
I think she's talking about the clothing. Eh, close enough.
"You got any more of that ice cream, ze?" She looks around frantically.
Handing over the bowl, I get to talking. "Dunno who this Brad person is but if anyone can identify as him he must be one rad lad."
She gobbles down my white cream, leaving some on her face. "Brad's real fucked up in the head, ze! And that's a lot coming from me. The cool shit always happens when I leave him on his own!"
She swallows. "Name's Marisa Kirisame, if you forget it I'll kill ya!
What a nice person.
"How'd you fall outta the sky? Did someone drop a really big bomb?" Aoe damage must've been insane.
Damn, she's almost done with the ice cream already.
"I got silenced! Stupid random elemental explosions. Of all the elements I could get hit with!" She throws the bowl and spoon into the unknown.
"There's a trash bin to the side… Nevermind." Robot, who I assume is Bud, walks away.
Magical things are happening in the skies of Gensokyo.
Marisa dusts herself off. "We were solvin an incident as usual! Turns out they were hiding in the skies and dropping elemental bombs everywhere. Weird shit, ze."
"Good luck solving the incident. I'm too low level for that quest!" I get up from my crouching and turn to leave.-
"Wait." Her hand is on my shoulder and her grip is much stronger than you'd think!
I turn around and see the box of doom in her hands.
"I still don't trust you so… Love Sign: Master Spark!-"
"Pocket sand!" I throw sand in her eyes!
Fwuuu- The charging gets canceled and she struggles to get the sand out of her eyes.
"Ah, what the fuck, ze!? J-just let me hit you with a spark and I'll trust you!" She tries to get the sand out of her eyes.
What a shitty way of earning trust. I don't like it, so I'll throw sand at it!
"Pocket sand! Pocket sand! Pocket sand!" I throw mild inconveniences at her!
Marisa takes a purple bottle out of her pocket and- Smash!
Hits herself on the head with it. Shit's gotta hurt!
Fwaaash.. Oh shit, she's got cleanse potions.
"I'm 'onna fuck you up." She raises her other arm.
A broom floats into her hand with a blur.
Great. "This might be the son of Odin."
She inserts the box thing behind the broom and holds it over her shoulder like a… javelin.
And another moment later, Marisa's face meets the ground again.
Oh, I remember this one! Time stopping maid. What was her name again?
Marisa lifts her head. "C-cmon', Sakuya. You couldn't let me beat up this one dude?" And she's back into the ground.
Sakuya takes out a red potion from her skirt, placing it down before the girl lying on the ground.
"Please refrain from using your lethal imagination on passersby."
She disappears, just as fast as she came.
The potion glows and explodes, the red liquid sprayed onto Marisa.
She gets back up, using her broom as a support. "W-we're not done yet."
How do I get out of a situation like this… Oh yeah, that could work.
"Yes we are, your client hasn't even showed up yet!" I do the thing with my invisible necktie.
Marisa looks confused. "What? No s'a danmaku fight, not a trial. Stop fixing your invisible necktie."
"How the hell do you know what a trial is?" Genuinely, how?
"Reimu got too political. Learned a few fancy words from it."
Huh. "What sentence did she get?"
"The death sentence." Marisa put on a straight face.
I don't know much of this Reimu person, but she sounds like she protects this whole place. Frikin Justice System.
"Okay, it feels awkward being in the same place for a little too long." Jojo reference time.
…
"Marisa!" The familiar miko calls out.
"Guess I'll kick your ass later, ze!" Marisa mounts her broom and begins floating away.
A red and white figure flies towards Marisa and the two regroup with some other floating people in the sky.
Hard to see things from down here!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : REIMU HAKUREI'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
Marisa regroups with our incident resolving squad, towards the floating purple cube in the sky.
"Do you seriously think this barrier will stop me?!" Remillia roared, clawing at the barrier.
"Mistress…please calm down. This is unbefitting for someone of your caliber…" Sakuya tries calming her raging mistress down.
…I have never seen Remilia this mad before. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd be furious too if someone threw mild inconveniences in my shrine.
I look around for a potential entrance to the cube, when Marisa throws a water potion bomb thiing at the cube.
Pwop.
"The hell? Usually these potions explode…"
If the barrier has some sort of silencing effect on most elements that come in contact with it, then...
"Marisa, use a Master Spark on it." Non-elemental attacks should work.
"You got it!" She holds up her mini-hakkero.
Boom! An explosion is heard like… 50 feet down? I'm no expert in this.
Someone flies up to our altitude. "You guys should use-!"
And he falls back down. Boom! And he falls upwards.
Wait, that's the human I saw in Remilia's throne room… He looks a little different.
"-all of your strongest attacks at once-!"
And he lands on the ground perfectly, clutching his knee dramatically.
The three completely responsible adults look at me for confirmation.
"Why not?" I shrug.
"This might be a good time to relieve some stress, ze!' Marisa stretches.
"Let me go first! Whoever is hiding inside that cube will pay!" Remilia's smoking, I think the sunscreen is wearing off.
Let's hurry this up, today's a good day for a nap.
"Spirit Sign..l." The familiar youkai exterminating spheres spin behind me in a circle.
"Master…!" Marisa's mini hakkero glows brightly.
"Divine Spear …" Remilia has her giant spear overhead.
"Lightspeed…" Sakuya-
…
"Fantasy Seal."
"Spark~!"
"The Gungnir!"
"Ricochet."
Our four strongest attacks meet the immovable barrier at roughly the exact same time. Uncountable knives ricochet off each other while Marisa's spark makes cracks in the cube. Fantasy Seal's orbs spin around The Gungnir as it reaches terminal velocity.
Through our combined efforts… Krik-Krack-krack. Giant cracks appear in the barrier.
Boom! The cube explodes with a loud explosion. A glowing yellow orb levitates in place.
…It levitates eerily.
Kri-Ka-BOOM! The orb explodes with a golden glint.
There, in place of the orb, floated a humanoid figure.
"Alrighty! What's your purpose? Goal? Occupation? Name…?" Marisa somersaults around it perfectly while berating it with questions.
It looks at her. "Why…? How…?" It points at Marisa. "You… you're like me. I can feel it."
I stare at Marisa, nothing but confusion coming out of her. "Reimu, I think this one's a bit off in the head!"
It looks in my direction now. "At last… the army of heaven has arrived. Minos... Sisyphus… and now me." Before looking back at Marisa. "...I have walked the path you take now. Both of us are fueled by the same thing… greed."
I can feel his… willpower, from this far away…
Remilia even calmed down, seemingly reading his soul.
"Mistress, I suggest we retreat. This figure standing before us…" Sakuya urges her.
"If you continue your warpath, you will only end up like me, entrapped in a prison of your own making." It stares at its hands. "But… I know I can not convince you to turn back… so allow me to end your suffering here. And. Now."
WOosh. Something flies past Marisa, nearly beheading her. "Woah, that woulda been lethal, ze!"
A golden chariot picks the golden figure up. "Time to atone for my sins…!"
…!
Marisa-no. A fairy where Marisa once was, turns into solid gold.
"Mistress, please!" I guess Sakuya replaced her with a fairy at the last second.
"Not yet.." Remilia wants to see this to the end it seems.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to get a bit serious…
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : MARK'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
Timeskip to the human village, everyone is gathered at the center of the village.
I mean it might be called a village square, but that just shows my knowledge on the Justice System.
Crackle! Thunder starts playing out of the speaker placed on a pole.
"Thou art listening to…" A person talks in old English through the speaker
Fwashh. A fireball sound effect plays as I move closer into the crowd.
"102.3!" Blublublub. I'm starting to think these aren't sound effects, that sounded like an actual cauldron.
"Real Taoists FM…" Shing. Nice crystal ball they have in the studio.
"Where we playeth nothing but chants, chants and more chants…!" Wololo.
Top tier advertisement, even I wanna become a Taoist now!
"This art not thine Elder Matriarch's station!" I'm waking up to ash and dust.
Is that Radioactive? 2013 times are weird. It's about time that I find a diamond. Sure as hell not gonna find one here.
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust. It is cursed as shit hearing Radioactive in a place with real magical girls!
We need to get outta here before I hear the whole song!
Skedaddling past the crowd of noobs, I see a magical stall. By magical I mean neon yellow highlights above it.
The woman at the stall notices me, turning her head. "Would you like to purchase some of my wares?"
Hmm. I've got a bit of cash on me currently, so why the hell not?
I pick up a weird badge thing. "How much does this thingy cost?"
"500,000 yen." The lady says with a straight face.
"Don't listen to her! She eats cookies with orange juice!" A man in robes shouts.
"Tsk." The man is quickly dragged into the darkness of the alleyway.
…
"Would you like to buy anything other than the badge?" Her smile returns.
"No thanks…!" I think everything else in this stall is overpriced. I'm out!
She shrugs it off and resumes her previous silence.
Where to next? I see that gigantic casino in the distance, why not double our savings?
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
Approaching the casino, I notice the bright, neon sign that says Golden Grin along with a dude at the front door on his knees.
"P-please let me in! I swear it'll only take a few more minutes!" The man pleads.
The two cow youkai sneak a look at each other.
One of the cows tried to reason with him. "Listen, pal. You've been in the casino for 36 hours straight. Even we have health insurance here."
That's one restless gambler!
"I knew they were good people!"
…?
A voice exclaims nearby.
"Those no good outsiders keep saying the Golden Grin is bad for the village! Even though they keep you out when you've been staying in there for too long!" Her accent makes me hurl.
But I don't let it show! Mostly because of the fact that this entire village looks like shite.
She doesn't look half bad though. Doesn't change the fact she's a redhead.
"Please come back at a later date." The cow youkai prevent him from entering and the man has no choice but to leave.
The first cow youkai invites us in. "Ah, you two must be our latest guests! Please, come on in-!" The second stops him.
"Are you crazy? We can't just let random people inside!"
"But mistress Yukari ordered us to let in a 'rather colorful technologically enhanced hobo and a redhead' inside the building…!"
This world will rue the day I get proper housing!
"I'm not a hobo, I have a job!" The redhead shouts.
"...Are you a security guard? Being a security guard means you have a job." He crosses his arms.
"Well no, but-"
"Then you don't have a job, hobo!"
"Let's just let them in! I don't want any trouble with the brass…" The second concedes and makes way.
Sweet!
Making my way into the magical room full of gamblers and potential pedophiles, I take notice of an elevator.
Why do I take notice of it, you ask? There is an orgy happening inside of the elevator.
The door has a large, possibly bulletproof, glass window showing everything going on inside!
I assume it's bulletproof by the fact that it hasn't broken after all those dildos being thrown wildly inside.
"Woah! What a magical room!" She wonders and marvels at the room while I wonder and marvel at her intellect.
I notice a lift to the side of said elevator. After watching The Godfather, It's common knowledge that the head honcho resides at the very top!
…
I lied. I, in fact, have not watched The Godfather.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
We passed by an angry blue cat dude while we walked towards the lift. Mouse must've stolen something precious.
"Do you seriously still think this place is great?"
"Well, yeah! I haven't seen anything wrong yet!"
Oh you sweet, mid summer child. It's currently Autumn. "You shall see the wonders of internet porn come to life!"
Creak. The lift makes a weird noise as we approach the top floor. Y'know, nothing immediately alarming.
Ding.
It plays a funny noise as we hop off the lift. We are also immediately faced with multiple rooms full o' fuckers. And fuckas.
Down the long hallway, a big double door stands guarded by a blue haired beaut.
"Uhm, are you sure we're supposed to be here? This place looks like a staffroom." She nervously asks.
Actually… "What's your name again?"
"Jarate, why do you ask?"
Oh.
"For what purpose do you trample upon this Palace, outsider?"
…!
The blue haired woman in a business suit begins talking in a very charismatic voice.
"Well, why do you?" I ask with my hands on my hips.
"To question the Mistress is heresy, Outsider. But for your information, I am driving your mother like a fucking Mazda." She states, eyes closed.
Ok…
"But we were invited by the 'Mistress' here. How come we can't go- oomf?"
"Silence, piss boy. It's the main character's time to speak."
"I thought she was a girl?" Frikin Bong Bong adds on.
"And I thought we were gonna get through without useless hindrances in the way. Not everyone gets what they want, Mrbreast."
…
"It appears your choice is made. As the righteous hand of the Mother," A katana appears in her hand, she's got the inventory thing! "I will beat you back into your basic components."
I make a 'get a load of this guy face' and cover my mouth with one hand. "I think someone has… mommy issues-."
"I DO NOT HAVE MOMMY ISSUES." The katana resonates with flames. "I AM MAMA'S SPECIAL FUCKING GIRL..!"
Time to do oddly specific things and escape from a boss fight! Not my first rodeo, son! I practically know everything about running away from bosses now.
/ / / / Bong Bong, Judge of All Time / / / /
Oh shit she gets a title frame. That's new.
"Outsider... I will cut you down, break you apart, splay the gore of your profane form across the STARS!" The flames grow ever larger.
"I will grind you down until the very CELLS CRY FOR MERCY! My hands shall RELISH ENDING YOU... HERE! AND!" Oh, I remember that stance. I lost to it once. "NOW!-"
Clink. Shame on me if I lose to it again!
Fwashh. She blocks the redirected flames somehow.
Since I'm at a reasonable distance for a longshot, I will do a longshot!
Cha-click. Clink! I punch the shotgun gauge causing a high damage explosive shot directly onto her!
…
"Grr." She groans it off, getting back up from a projectile boost.
I see that Pissy Missy has taken a few steps back, away from all the fighting.
And Blue has gone looking for clues!-oof.
I got hilt poked right in the stomach! Agh, God damnit.
She steps back and sheathes the katana and prepares a cool new attack for me to pa-
Fwash! Oh fuck, I remember this feeling. But now with a new burning sensation! Quick put it out with sand..!
Patting the flames off and getting rid of the excess sand, I see her across the room with a shit eating grin.
"You know how to parry don't you?" She waves her sword around in the air.
"Uhhh… maybe."
This initiates a preset laugh from her. "Hah. Time to learn."
I take a fighting stance, evening out my balance.
At least I know I can win in a battle of attrition. Problem is I'm bleeding out!
Oh-! Fwashh. Clink!
Problem solved. Back in it to win it!
I rush her down with a tackle!
She raises her sword to guard, but I break the tackle and get into a handstand and kick her multiple times!-or not.
Thud.
I fall on my ass instead. Ah, I'm so dead.
A yellow glint flashes before my eyes. Is this the part where I get flashbacks before I die?
Clink.
Nope! I get parry indicators now!
Bong Bong is pushed back, and I get back on my feet.
"Now I'm getting fired up!-" Bonk. Thud.
"Sorry about her, she gets a bit feisty when meeting new people." Not Yukari bonks the boss unconscious!
Wait, can you read my mind too? Let's find out the fun way! You're not Yukari, the chest doesn't match-
"Anyway! I've been waiting for you. But uhm, who's the person behind you?" She points behind me.
Jarate attempts to fix her hair and fails because village dweller. She notices Not Yukari. "Oh! I was invited here apparently, those cow youkai at the front told us so!"
Not Yukari looks jaded. "My name is Maribel, for your information. I was asking for a hobo outsider, not a redhead- wait… oh."
Seems like there's been some miscommunication.
"Knew I should've used Geico instead…" Maribel mutters to herself.
For such an 'advanced' building, I haven't seen anyone use phones. Does this place not have wifi?
I need to know "What's the wifi password to your house?"
She looks over. "2d05f9t74, why do you ask?"
"Thanks." I pull something out of my purse… oh shit.
My (not apple) phone! I don't hate Apple or anything but considering my financial situation back on Earth, Apple would be the last thing I'd pick.
Also I use fake airpods but I call them Not fake airpods because my friends make fun of me for having them.
"I-Is that an android? Damn, I got a bit of cash on me right now if you need some.."
Fuck you Not Yukari.
Ding. I receive a new email! I think. It's from Yukari.
'Consider it a gift for your cooperation so far :)' Y. Y.
Might as well respond to it. 'can u jus texm e on discord, emal is slow and for old people'
My sight might be fixed but my typing has not. The phone shall return to the purse.
"I've actually been meaning to request something of you…" Ding. She looks at her Iphone. "Mark!"
She's got Yukari on speed dial, doesn't she.
"What do you want? If it's a basketball match, bring it on!" I may not look it, but I know how to ball.
Maribel takes out a clipboard full of boxes that need check marks. "Since you're new to Gensokyo, I might as well give you the opportunity to have some sort of financial stability!"
"Just sign here." She points to the blank area on the clipboard.
This sounds amazing! A little too amazing…
"Do I get free wifi? And is it good wifi?" I question.
Maribel ponders for a bit. "Sure! Not like it's gonna matter considering no one else has enough intelligence to wield a phone. And the fact you have an android."
Seems legit- wait "What was that last sentence about?"
"Nothing." She looks away. "We've got a few job options for you, just uhm. Pick the one you find the most suitable."
At least look in my direction, damn. Is having an android really that bad?
I take a closer look at the clipboard and see a few normal looking jobs. Such as: security guard, gourmet chef, dj, bagel distributor, and stylist. One of the five is not like the rest.
"Have you picked out yet? You gotta sign it. WIth the pen. On the clipboard." Oi. Look this way at least. "Could you keep the android away from the clipboard too? Most of our clipboard soap was stolen by some maniac."
Clipboard soap. Speaking of soap, I should probably wash my hands soon! Being a chef should give me a sink to wash my used vegetables.
I wonder if the Feedbacker is waterproof…
Signing up to become a chef in this war of food! This… food war.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
Didn't expect the kitchen to be this small. I mean- average. Yeah, average sized kitchen.
A horizontally spinning wheel is above my head, supposedly where orders should be. A small window to my right with a cute little bell. Drawers and shelves to my left, along with a jukebox. Spices behind me along with a whiteboard. A counter with a sink, toaster, sandwich platter, a grill , a pot for soup I think, a blender and a microwave! Everything you'd need to work at an Applebees.
…
Wait… "I'm working at an Applebees…?!"
"Could you keep it down in there?! It's annoying enough I have to babysit you, I don't need to listen to your complaining."
I forgot to introduce you to my assistant, Lilith! She's mad she got demoted to assistant. Her red hair stands out. Either her hair is prehensile or it's moving around through pure rage.
"Well what are you waiting for?! Get the order slip and start cooking!" She angy.
Shouldn't keep the customer waiting. I pull the slip from the clip, and read it but not out loud.
'Bacon and eggs, the perfect breakfast.'
"Come on, we don't have all day! Turn on the grill and start cooking!" Great thing she's outside the kitchen.
So I need to turn the grill on… "The what?"
…She glares at me with piercing eyes.
"That was a test, I know exactly what a grill is!" After I find out how to turn it on!
Actually wait, a sink. Are there no laws on mandatory hand washing in Gensokyo?
I turn around to the whiteboard. It seems this place has gotten a review from the Health and Safety committee. A B' for barely passing.
Lilith hasn't said a thing about washing my hands yet. I'm gonna assume it isn't normal to wash your hands.
I rinse my hands with the sink and apply some liquid soap to them. Soap dispensers are nice.
"That customer is gonna complain to the boss if she doesn't get her food! Hurry up and start cooking!" Silence wench.
When cooking, safety and health comes first. Bombing Miami comes second.
"They were supposed to get their food 10 minutes ago! What are you doing there that's more important than the customer's food?!"
I should probably start cooking. I twist the thingy to turn the grill on.
Opening the fridge, I see the eggs! But raw. Also we have other refrigerated ingredients.
Crack-splat. Still know how to open eggs, I'm not completely braindead!
Now… where would they keep the bacon? I'm assuming the freezer 'cause you don't put bacon in cans.
Oh, there it is! I take the slice of bacon and- Splat.
The bacon has built in oil. It was born for this, ye.
Time to let the grill do grill things…
…
When is it gonna be done?
Fwash. Oh-! I think it's done! Here at Applebees, we cook our food at 1 bazillion degrees fahrenheit to make sure you get your order fast!
Picking the bacon and eggs up with a spoon, I slap it onto a plate. And huzzah!
"Gourmet (burnt) bacon and eggs." Ding! The bell automatically rings as I put the plate onto the counter.
Lilith was long gone, probably off to complain about her demotion. This simply means she's not here to judge my cooking!
A burly cow dude takes the plate before I can marvel in its glory.
I see him present my dish to a table full of cow dudes.
…
They're just staring at it. Are they gonna eat it? I mean, I wouldn't really blame him.
Next gourmet dish on the agenda… a smoothie. Do they sell smoothies at Applebees?
Let's just say they do. The bigger question is what should I put in this smoothie?
It kinda just says 'smoothie'. Guess I can get creative.
How about… some bread? I pick up a slice of bread and insert- sorry. Attempt to insert.
The bread is refusing the blender.
You can't just refuse the blender, it is your destiny!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
Okay, I managed to put the bread in the blender.
thudthudtickthud. But it is now vibrating at dangerous speeds like a Gmod prop.
One problem solved! I think…
What goes well with bread? That's right! Tomatoes. And so I insert the tomatoes carefully inside of the blender.
thudthudthidthidthud. It's vibrating at an even faster frequency!
One wrong move and this whole place goes sky high… but it wouldn't hurt to add another tomato-
SPLAT.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
I have managed to insert two whole pieces of bread. One is clipping through the glass but it should be fine.
Now to blend it… whirr.
Oh. So it's sped up just like the grill. Good to know.
We are left with the good juices. By that I mean, liquid bread.
It's straight up just. Liquid bread.
…
"Order up!" I leave the cup of liquid bread on the counter.
Cow dude number 1 takes it to the table of cow dudes again.
No one dares to drink it. Except for the biggest cow dude in the group.
He took a swig of it and put it back on the table.
…
"AGHHHHH!" I see his eyes roll backwards before he falls head first onto the table.
Oh shid. All four of them, including the waiter, stare at me.
Crack! They all simultaneously crack their knuckles and head to the counter.
"I'm gonna crush your skull."
"Not before I punch his guts out."
"So you have chosen death?"
"..."
At least we'll have a surplus of steak after this.
A voice from behind them exclaims. "WAIT!"
We all turn to the unconscious dude, now conscious and alive. "Let me do this…"
The four make way. And I'm just here awaiting my execution!
He points at me. "You… were you the one who made that drink?"
I nod, agreeing.
"...How dare you…" Uh oh, he's tearing up.
"How dare you!" I dared, yo.
"HOW DAR-" Boom!
Sadly his anger is interrupted by the door being blasted down.
He's turnin red. "-E YOU!"
A lady in a black combat suit with purple highlights enters flashily. "Aha! I knew it was a restaurant! Ya owe me now, Damien!"
…
"Oh was I interrupting somethin'?"
Mega cow dude turns his head in big anger- "Well I was a second away from verbally assaulting this gentleman ever here for serving me a second-rate drink… but you shall do."
Or not.
Not that I think about it… she looks like the Sledge Queen. Not that her frikin robloc model made that easy.
"Ma' fault, yo. Didn't know people still proposed in restaurants!" Death to you.
"Aila, at least try to be nice." You can live, kale haired boy.
Now you've done it! Everyone is fuming with anger, smoke almost blowing out of their ears.
By everyone I mean the five cow dudes. If only I read that frikin fanfic he recommended. Maybe I'd have an idea on where the hell I am.
"Boys…"
Now that they're aggroed onto the new group that just came in, I'm free to go!
As I walk to the front door, I think of the potential places I can go. If hell is a physical place, then heaven should too!
Thud. Something or someone is thrown to the wall.
A few steps from the door, it suddenly opens.
"Don't tell me you planned on leaving me behind, Y? How cruel."
Bam!
"Plan failed."
A tough looking dude with sunglasses and a skull mask followed by a woman in a combat suit similar to another person that had entered earlier.
New people from some weird game I could never have enough wifi to play have appeared!
Bang! A loud gunshot is heard.
Y looks in my direction. "You. Do you work here?"
"Maybe…!"
…
I guess that works.
Aila stood above multiple unconscious bodies. "Val! Chief! I jus' caught some fresh beef! Ya think the chef could make us some well done steaks with this?"
"Dear, has anyone told you about table manners?" Val catches up and takes a seat.
Speaking of seats, we've got those conjoined seats shaped like a half circle. Lots of space for the whole family! Here at Applebees, we care for your wallet.
Y whispers to me. "One bucket of fried chicken, extra crispy." He moves to the table with the rest of the group.
To avoid seeing the respawn menu, I've got no choice but to serve them!
I also walk up to their table, carefully avoiding the bodies on the ground.
"Welcome to Applebees, where the raccoon meat is always fresh." I pull a paper slip outta my pocket. "How can I take your order?".
Kale boy is the first to speak up. "Medium Rare steak, do you have any steak sauce?"
"Maybe!" It's my first day, yo.
He shrugs. Aila's next on the agenda. "Double…no. Quadruple fried burger! Make sure it's crispy!"
Sure.
Cowboy looking dude speaks up. "Lemme get 25 whoppers, 12 chicken sandwiches, and 13 tacos."
"Tacos?"
"You heard me, bitch. I saw the poster and it got me interested."
Ok…
V however, has other plans. "Be a dear and get me some vodka~… And something healthy too."
Somehow we have vodka. Just a bunch of it in the fridge, waiting for a Russian to drink them.
"..." The chief stays silent. Guess he doesn't want anyone else to know about his bucket o' chicken.
I finish my drawing sketch of stickmen fighting and stick it on their table. "I'll be back with your orders in like 5 minutes."
…
"You just had to pick an Applebees." Kale boy sighs.
"He said he'd be back in five minutes, got ants in yar suit or what?"
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
I carry multiple plates of food at once. "Order up!"
How does one carry multiple plates at once you ask? We'll never know.
Aila retorts to kale boy's previous statement. "See! It's been exactly five minutes!"
He sighs. "Let's just eat…"
"..."
Valorant spins her karambit around. "What's wrong, Y? Is your order not here yet?"
"I can wait." He stays seated, arms crossed.
"Nom!" Crunch! Aila takes a chunk out of the quadruple fried burger. That thing's like 99% grease and breadcrumbs.
"Damien, dear, would you be so kind as to share that steak?" Her karambit shines.
Damien kale boy hands it over without a fuss.
Well that's most of the orders done! The last one would be the bucket o' chicken.
Problem is we ran outta buckets. We've got plenty of bowls though.
I place the bowl down. "Bowl of Extra Crispy Fried Chicken for… someone."
No one's ever said his name out loud, not my fault.
Y stares at me. "This isn't a bucket."
I shrug. "Last customer ate all the buckets. Something something Justice System."
He just stares at the bowl. "..."
…
"Our old man here is shy in front of new people." Val stabs the karambit into the table. "Respectfully fuck off~."
Not tryna get my shit rocked today! "Sure…!"
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"Your total will be 200 yen." I await the payment.
"Goddamn, tha's cheap! Didn't even havta use Damien's card!" Darn tootin cowboy boy.
Alia has 2 more brain cells than cowboy dude. "It's so cheap it's kinda suspicious, don't ya think?"
Raccoon meat burgers aren't expensive, you know?
A familiar voice is heard where the door used to be. "Hey… I heard the door broke down again?"
Oh hey, It's Rick! He's a cool dude.
Rick stands over the broken door. "Jeez, It's not easy fixing the door every time it breaks. Couldn't you at least tell the brute to tone it down-…"
And he sees the stack of cow youkai in the corner. Someone was nice enough to carry them there.
Ails elbows my elbow. "Hey. Who's the new guy?"
"The door technician Rick. Apparently people had too much fun breaking the doors down so they had to hire a guy to fix it after every time it breaks."
It was a short briefing but I know at least that much about Rick.
He's really fookin good at his job too. Doors already back in its hinges.
Crash!
And it's back on the floor.
"Damn."
Now it's that Meira chick instead! "Mark, we need all the forces we can get! The fairies have planned another siege attack on the village!"
An excuse to get out of work? Hell yeah!.
I run after Meira. "Enjoy your food, dear customers! It might just be your last good meal here!"
The customers continue eating their food, Aila almost drops the vodka.
Never was good at imitating a traveling merchant.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
END OF CHAPTER 8
MC: Mark, Not alone anymore, The reasonable Hobo
PRIMARY WEAPON:
The Feedbacker: Does not give feedback. a blue metal arm that has a tendency to make people trip on it, deals 1 damage with punches, deals 5 damage with parries. Parries full heal. 33% parry chance, may raise depending on usage. Parries deflect most projectiles with +4 damage. Parrying the first hit in a combo will cancel the whole combo.
SECONDARY WEAPON:
Knuckleboom: The Knuckleboom is a makeshift shotgun knuckle that contains rockets stuffed in the shotgun shells. Punching the shell with precise timing results in a longshot that flies through the air until it hits something and explodes. Enemies killed by longshots will not drop rations.
SKILLS:
Longshot: Punching a shell with the knuckleboom results in a long ranged explosion.
Basic Sand Magic: uses a miniscule amount of mana to create sand.
Rope Tie: Stuns a target for 3 seconds.
~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTE ~~~~
Forget about the skill section of the past. It's a thing of the past now. I might have forgotten a few skills too lmao.
Remember kids.