A/N: Yes, I know, there has been some pain in the last couple of chapters, and we're not quite done with it yet, but hold onto your hope, my friends, because it will be alright in the end :) Also, big thanks to the lovely peops who left reviews! :)
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 9
Rory felt sick as she read over Jess' email for what had to be the eleventh time since it first arrived. She deserved everything he said, she was well aware of that. If he had known she was the person who walked into the diner two nights ago and spoke to him the way she had, then he would also know she probably deserved a whole lot more besides. As it was, he was mad enough at her for - as far as he knew - not showing up at all. Actually, not so much mad as sad, disappointed, and hurt. In a lot of ways, those things were way worse than mad might have been.
With her head resting on her hand and a lump in her throat, she made her twelfth reading of his latest message, wondering all over again how she was ever supposed to write a suitable answer.
You didn't show up.
I keep on going over it in my head, even going back over our conversations leading up to when we were supposed to meet. It was you who actually suggested it in the first place, not me. I know I agreed pretty fast, and the place was my idea, but you seemed fine with it. You acted like you were really happy with the idea of finally meeting, and then you didn't show up.
For a while, I just figured you were late. It happens, especially in a place as busy as New York, and it's not like you had a way to let me know, because we never exchanged phone numbers or anything. Then it was a half-hour since we agreed to meet, then longer, and I start thinking maybe I have the wrong place or the wrong time, even though I knew damn well that wasn't true. I don't know if you realise this about me, but I have a habit of thinking things are my fault, which is probably because a lot of the time in my life, they actually have been, but this? No, this one was not on me.
You should know that I gave you the benefit of the doubt. For more than an hour, I waited, making up excuses for you in my head, and even when this awful woman showed up, somebody that I already knew was going to make my evening ten times worse, even then I defended you. When she said you couldn't be so great if you would stand me up like that, I told her she was wrong, sure she was being a bitch just because she could, not because she had any basis for it. After all, she doesn't know you. Turns out maybe I don't either.
You didn't show up. I'm still having a little trouble processing that. Not so much that you weren't there, but that there was no reason, no excuse, nothing. I really thought when I finally got home and checked my email there would be something from you. This whole explanation and apology. How you were so sorry but there was an emergency or some unforeseen circumstance that meant you absolutely couldn't make it, even though you really wanted to, but there wasn't. Of course, you know that already. There was no message, because you never sent one.
Now, I don't know exactly what that means. Either the horrible woman I talked to at the diner that night was somehow right about you - something I do not want to believe - or something worse than I've dared to imagine so far has happened to you. I want to believe that even less.
I guess there is a third option. That you just decided that this whole thing wasn't worth it and you're done talking to me. There's a good chance knowing that will hurt almost as much as the first two, but hey, I'm a big boy, I'll get over it. Just let me know, okay? Let me know you're still alive and that there is some magical fourth option here that I'm just not coming up with right now. Please.
That last part really did make Rory want to cry. Not that there was really a part of his message that made her want to do anything else. It was such an awful mess. Not only did he think that she never showed up for their first in-person meeting, but he also thought of her as this awful woman who sullied the good name of his most special friend. The fact that Rory was both those people and Jess didn't know it just made it so much worse. The whole situation gave her an existential headache!
She needed to apologise and to explain, just as Jess had asked her to. The problem was, where to begin? Rory knew there was more than one way to play this, more than one version of the truth that she could share. The whole truth would be too much and probably ruin more than it could ever fix. At this point, Jess would never forgive her if she told him absolutely everything, but she also really didn't want to lie to him anymore.
"Maybe there's a middle between the two?" she muttered to herself, placing her hands on the keyboard and beginning to type.
I'm so sorry about what happened that night. I wish I could explain it but it's complicated. I know that sounds like such a line, like something that people say when they just don't want to give a real explanation, but in this case, I promise you, it is absolutely true.
If I could tell you the whole truth, I absolutely would, but right now, I'm sorry to say that's not possible. I hope that, as my friend, you'll try to understand, even though you're hurt right now and have every right to be mad at me and demand more of an explanation. Even though I can't give you that, I can apologise and I do, so much.
Not only am I sorry that things didn't go like we planned, I'm also sorry that you had to deal with a woman that wasn't nice to you. I can't say I'm surprised that you defended me, you're just that kind of guy. It would make me so much happier right now if I could feel worthy of the faith you have in me, or had in me, I guess. I certainly can't blame you if you feel ready to give up on me now.
In a lot of ways, not counting the night in question, I think I've been a pretty good friend. I'm hoping that that will be enough for you to forgive me this one error in judgement, the one unfortunate night when I caused you pain. I never meant to do that, Jess.
Rory stopped typing very suddenly, realising her mistake. She couldn't use his name, she wasn't supposed to know what it was. Though she had met NYC360 in person and knew he was Jess Mariano, he hadn't met CoffeeGirl84, at least, not as far as he knew. He had just run across Rory Gilmore again and he really didn't like her. Hitting the backspace, she deleted Jess' name, reviewed her previous sentence, then continued typing on.
In a lot of ways, not counting the night in question, I think I've been a pretty good friend. I'm hoping that that will be enough for you to forgive me this one error in judgement, the one unfortunate night when I caused you pain. I never meant to do that. I promise, I really didn't. Things just didn't go according to the plan that night. Maybe one day I'll have more of an explanation for you than that, but for now, it's all I can say.
So, in answer to your question, there is a fourth option. I hope you don't think of me as a terrible person, and I can confirm I am alive, and I do still want us to be friends. I guess the fourth option is just that I'm human and as fallible as anybody else. I'm truly sorry if I disappointed you, but all I can do now is hope you are the friend I thought you were and that you will forgive me.
It really was all that Rory could think to say and she sent her email quickly, just as soon as she was done typing, sure she would be tempted to edit the hell out of it or maybe even lose her nerve and not send it at all, if she allowed herself the chance. She didn't want that to happen, so hitting send swiftly was the only choice, regardless of any typos or similar that might have slipped through.
"If he can't forgive me anything else, he'll forgive me some poor grammar at least," she supposed, closing down the lid of the laptop with a sigh.
She really did hope Jess let her off the hook for everything else too. If she lost him now, she really wasn't sure what she would do.
"And you think it's okay?"
"Babe, I think it's the best email you could've written in the circumstances, and boy, talk about your circumstances!"
Rory couldn't really blame Lorelai for sounding so shocked. She had certainly been surprised when her daughter called her up needing to talk and then proceeded to spill her guts about everything that had been going on in the last few months, mostly when it came to her online relationship with Jess. Of course, it was when she got to the part of revealing who he was in reality that her mom got really shocked, much as Rory had been herself that night at the diner.
"And you seriously had no idea they were the same guy?"
"No idea at all," Rory insisted. "I mean, now, looking back, it makes so much sense. All the book knowledge and everything, and his business being in trouble..."
"Because of the company you work for." Lorelai heaved a sigh. "Wow, that is just every kind of messy, sweets."
"Tell me about it." Rory matched her mother sigh for sigh and sunk further into the couch cushions with the phone smooshed against her face. "And I know, I know I should've told Jess who I was, but how could I? He hates me, or at least he hates Huntzberger Inc and their new book store, which is my project, my baby. If he knew, then I would definitely lose him online too, and I just... I couldn't do it, Mom. I know it's wrong, but I can't let go."
"Oh, Rory." Lorelai sounded sympathetic but also seemed to be at a loss for what to say next.
Not that Rory could blame her for that. She had been over and over all this stuff in her head, so many times now. She never did quite managed to find a good answer. To tell Jess the truth risked losing him in every possible way, but lying didn't really sit right with her either. Besides, it had been a couple of days now since she sent her grovelling apology email and so far no reply. Maybe she had lost him anyway.
"One question keeps popping up in my head," said Lorelai then, "but I'm afraid if I ask it you'll lose it on me."
Rory frowned at that, sitting up very fast in her seat. "Why would I lose it?"
"'Cause, babe, it's probably not a question you want to hear, but hey, here goes nothing. If this Jess guy means so much to you, and he obviously does, then, Rory, honey... what are you still doing with Logan?"
"I'm... Because... Well..." Rory started over twice, meaning to say she loved Logan, that she was committed to him, that he was her boyfriend and she didn't want that to change.
The problem was, none of the words would come out. They all stuck in her throat, every single one of them, as an alarm went off in her head, repeatedly calling her the world's biggest liar. If she said any of those things about Logan, that is exactly what she would be and she knew it.
"I don't know," she said eventually, the realisation of it hitting her hard. "Wow, I really don't know. I mean, I guess I kind of do. We've just been together so long, off and on, anyway. We work together, we live together, and yes, I know he's not quite so committed as he should be but..."
"No offence, Rory, but you're not exactly being faithful yourself, and before you say it, I know, you and Jess have been all about the online only, nothing sexy or romantic exactly, but honey, you're not dumb. Far from it, actually. You're one of the smartest people on this planet, so I know that you see that what you're doing is not really within the rules."
She did know. Rory was sure she had known for a while, but she justified her behaviour, her secret relationship with NYC360, by telling herself that Logan did much worse. Unfortunately, she knew that wasn't really true. Sure, he slept around sometimes and that wasn't within the rules either, but what Rory had with Jess, the things they said to each other sometimes, they may not be sexy or romantic, like her mom said, but they were intimate in a different way. The two of them were connected in a way that Rory hadn't felt connected to Logan in years, if ever.
"Oh my God!" she gasped as the truth of it all hit her one more time. "I... I'm worse than I thought."
"I wouldn't go that far," Lorelai insisted. "Have you shown the greatest judgement? Probably not, but you didn't do this on purpose. Rory, people fall in and quickly out of love all the time. Ask Joan Armatrading! The point is, you see it now, and I know that means you're going to do something about it. Even if this thing with Jess can't work out, which of course I hope for your sake that it can, but even if it doesn't, you can't stay with Logan when you don't even know why you're there anymore."
Rory swallowed hard, nodding her head in agreement, realising too late that her mom couldn't see that and was soon wondering why there was nothing but silence on her end of the call.
"I'm sorry, I was just... processing," she admitted. "If I break up with Logan... We share an apartment. He's my boss, Mom."
"I know, babe," Lorelai sympathised, just like always. "We have a serious case of a lot of eggs in one great big Huntzberger-shaped basket."
"But that doesn't mean I can keep on living a lie," said Rory bravely. "I know that. I know what I have to do."
"That's my good girl," said Lorelai, with a smile that Rory could hear. "You'll figure it out, sweets, I know you will, and if you need me or Luke, you know you can always call. If you need money or a place to stay a while, we are always, always here."
"Thanks, Mom," Rory told her, swallowing hard and blinking fast besides, just as a ringing sound at the computer took her attention.
Grabbing up her laptop, the tears fell quickly from her eyes, born of relief as much as anything else as she saw an email had just arrived. She didn't see much beyond the first line through her misty eyes, but it didn't matter. It was enough, for now.
From NYC360:
Of course, I forgive you...
To Be Continued...