Chapter 18
Dorian:
December glides forward rapidly with the holiday decorations overflowing through DC.
I see my therapist once a week and plan to continue therapy for perhaps the next year or two.
My nightmares, anxiety attacks and flashbacks have eased, but are not completely gone.
I have no illusions that a few short weeks of therapy has "cured" me.
Walking home alone still sometimes makes me nervous, so I often have a senate guard accompany me.
And many early mornings still wake me up feeling fear, but it's more vague now, as if I'd had nightmares that I don't remember.
The nightmares I do remember are mostly silent ones and many with just still flashes of images.
Risa spends several all-nighters at the libraries at the university. In addition, she is working part-time at George Washington University Hospital.
Her birthday is this week, so once she completes her last final of the semester, she and I celebrate by going out to eat in Chinatown at a quiet, but elegant Chinese restaurant.
There, the staffers bring her a slice of fortune cookie with a birthday candle in it and sing happy birthday to her, which Risa loves.
After we eat, we decide to take in the nearby annual holiday market where we complete a few last trinkets of holiday shopping.
Risa and I find a table, a tall, rather rickety table to sit at where I have tea and Risa has a pretzel along with her tea.
There's a small group on the makeshift stage singing and playing Christmas carols, so we watch them for a while.
"Happy birthday, Risa," I tell her at one break between songs as Risa polishes off her pretzel.
"Thanks, Gran..." Risa says. "And thanks for helping my mom out that night with adopting me."
"You're welcome," I hug her even as my brows rise in surprise.
"Mom told me how she came to your door late Christmas Eve night praying that you'd open the door," Risa adds. "You were in a fight, yet you welcomed us both in...I'm so grateful you put your neck out to have me join your family."
"You're sweet..." I say, touched. "I'm glad you were able to join our family."
We sit close a minute, enjoying the chilly December air. I love being a grandmum.
I admit to initially having mixed feelings about being a grandmother that late spring of 1993 when Cassie announced that she was pregnant with her first son William.
Perhaps it was fear that Cassie and I would grow further apart since Viki and her then-lover Sloan and much of the rest of Llanview's elite fawned over Cassie and Andrew.
And since especially back then, Cassie seemed so hungry for Viki and her clique's approval and friendship, I was nervous about not only Viki seeming to "adopt" her, but what effect the Buchanans would have on my grandchild.
And since this was shortly after my breast cancer operation, in addition to being at a time I was feeling insecure about my age.
It didn't help matters when a staffer at Llanview hospital assumed that I was Jason Webb's mother.
Jason and I had been lovers for a couple of years until mid-1994 when he moved out of Llanview.
I'm glad that we touch base periodically by text and he is a freelance photographer in upstate New York.
Cassie and I were having serious problems with each other that November and December 1993 and Cassie refused to speak to me for a month and I feared that I had lost my daughter forever.
I had terrifying nightmares back then of Cassie calling Viki Mom and even had visions of Viki and Sloan poisoning Herb against me.
So, I will forever be thankful to Cassie for coming to me for help with the adoption.
Even though things were still a bit strained between us for a few weeks afterward, Cassie did come around and offer emotional support when I was wrongfully imprisoned that spring of 1994.
I smile softly as I remember hearing about how Cassie finally stood up to Viki and told her just where to get off when Viki and Sloan were trying to bribe the judge and were campaigning to have me executed.
After Risa and I get home later that night, taking the metro, I give her the birthday gifts I brought her as we sit in front of the fireplace.
Risa also has received gifts from her cousins, her parents, her aunts, Addie and several friends both from Ohio and from friends she's made here.
For perhaps the first time in several months, I sleep very well that night with no nightmares, no terrifying images or flashbacks of Viki or Clint coming after me and no early-morning waking up shaking in fear.
•••••••••••••
A couple of house staffers and I spend one weekend flurrying about getting several guest bedrooms, the den and the garden room ready for my visiting family.
By mid-December, I've sent all the gifts that need to be snail-mailed.
Langston and Jill are able to come a week and a half early...Langston wrapped up a completed play that will start production in January and Jill has started her school break.
One chilly, windy afternoon a week before Christmas day, the four of us get serious Christmas shopping done.
We start at Friendship Heights, then Union Station then end up at Beltway Plaza with my hired driver dropping our things off at my place periodically.
It's a good thing that we hired a driver for today because the roofed parking lot is almost full.
I'm sure that over the weekend, the mall and all the parking lots will be packed, so I'm glad we are able to come on a Wednesday early in the afternoon.
Smiling now, I remember how Tina thought that this mall was a "monstrosity," how she couldn't find the roofed lot despite it being there in front and how she was repelled by the entire area.
As is with DC, the mall is beautifully decorated from wall-to-wall with lovely decorations...holiday music is playing everywhere.
We walk about the large mall with Risa and Langston darting into various stores to purchase gifts.
I myself stop at a jewelry place to admire the necklaces and earrings. I buy earrings for my three daughters and my nieces.
At one point, we take Jill to visit the Santa in the center of the mall where thankfully, there is no huge line due to today being a weekday...just a few other kids who are off school for the holidays.
While Jill is visiting Santa, Langston and I go into a toy store and buy toys for the kids, stuffing them in plastic bags.
Several of these stores are ideal for shopping for kids as I suspected when I was here early in the fall.
Risa and I can't help laughing a bit over the toys we surreptitiously place in the bags after buying.
Most kids are fairly easy to shop for, far easier than adults...they're usually happy with simple toys bought at a toy or dollar store.
I buy little boxes of Christmas tree chocolates for each of the kids too.
"I asked Santa for a lego car," Jill tells us as we walk to the wing of the mall where the theater is. "And I asked Santa to make Hope and you feel better and have no more nightmares."
"Oh, thank you, darling," I say, touched and hug her.
I don't think Hope really still believes in a literal Santa Claus coming down chimneys with toys for the kids, but I think she has fun with visiting Santa and all.
"Is Hope coming for Christmas?" Jill asks.
"Yes, she is, honey," I tell her.
By this time, it's late afternoon, more people are coming into the mall and growing dark, so we take our remaining purchases to the car, then decide to eat at the Silver Diner.
I pay the driver extra to take our remaining purchases home and to return to pick us up when I ring.
There is the start of a dinner crowd when we go in, but thank goodness, there's no wait and we're able to be seated within a few minutes.
The entire place is covered in shiny green and red tinsel and there are little Christmas trees all over.
I smile at Jill's look of wonderment as she peers around.
"Everything's so beautiful," Jill murmurs. "When Mom and I went to Golden Corral last weekend, it was all pretty like here."
How different this is from when I met Tina here a few months ago, I think.
Briefly, I idly wonder what Tina is doing this holiday season, then let it slide out of my mind as we order and eat.
•••••••••••••
The next few days are extremely busy both at home and work.
That Thursday evening, Congress has its annual Christmas party where I attend about an hour of before I escape and head home for peace, quiet, a warm tub bath, tea and a good book in bed.
Risa is at a holiday gathering of her own with several friends down the street and doesn't get home until late.
Congress is on recess from the weekend before Christmas day through the weekend after New Year's day.
That Friday before the holiday break, several staff members and I trek into a couple of our local areas in Llantano County, Pennsylvania to take what is often named a "temperature check" an assessment of some of our constituents who are struggling, especially financially and with health care.
It's a brisk, somewhat windy, chilly overcast day with a bit of a post-drizzle dampness as four of us head out. One of our stops is Angel Square not too far from Llanview.
As the four of us ride up toward Angel Square, Lahara whispers, "Are you going to be all right...?"
I nod. I won't be going into the thick of Llanview, so I don't have to be frightened.
There is little danger of running into anyone from the Buchanan crowd there. In any case, we have good security with us.
I'm glad I have a chance to talk to everyday people and ordinary regular families there...the four of us have dressed down, wearing blue denim jeans and ordinary oxford shirts and blouses.
I haven't worn anything denim since perhaps the time I was pregnant with Adriana back in the 1980s.
I glance over at the spot where Carlotta used to live with her two sons.
We're hoping to get a local bill passed where more people in Angel Square are covered by Medicaid and Medicare, so we meet several local government officials and hash ideas back and forth.
Several of them manage to get a ball rolling on more state aid to Angel Square, so even people who are underemployed can get health care.
As we get ready to leave, one elderly lady hugs me spontaneously.
I'm initially startled, but hug her back and wave back the security guard.
"Senator Lord, you've given us hope," she croons. "I have a daughter with several disabilities who is applying for social security disability benefits...she's fifty-four...and I've been so worried, especially about her health benefits."
"I'm glad to hear that we've helped," I tell her softly. "Good luck to your daughter...I hope you have a nice holiday."
"Merry Christmas." She's smiling widely, a gold side molar shining a bit in the fading gray winter light. I find myself smiling back as we part.
Lahara is also smiling as we get back into our car and head back to DC.
In the drive home, I reflect on how none of the Buchanans featured into this Angel Square visit.
The Buchanan clique is not as important as they fancied themselves to be, I muse.
And now with most of the Buchanan and Lord fortunes gone, the Banner just about defunct and Viki no longer in charge of the social circles of Llanview, they've lost most of their power as well.
Despite Viki claiming to care about the "underprivileged" and "less fortunate"...her words in her country club speeches, I highly doubt she has been to Angel Square in the couple of years since John McBain moved into the thick of Llanview after marrying Natalie again.
Perhaps for Llanview residents, there will be life after the Lords and Buchanans.