Chapter 20
Dorian:
On New Year's Day, I awaken just as it's growing light outside.
Despite being up until almost two in the morning ringing in the new year with my family, it's unlikely that I'll fall back asleep again, so I get up and get dressed.
I leave a note for David and a note on the kitchen table for the rest of my family and go for a walk in the snow before the others wake up.
David, Cassie, Lance, Addie, Blair, Starr and Hope will be leaving to head home later on this afternoon.
Langston and Jill are leaving for home tomorrow the second while Kelly, Jack and their kids are leaving this coming Saturday.
I have mixed feelings about their upcoming departures.
On one hand, I will miss them and the holidays when they go, but on the other hand, I'll be happy to have my house quiet again without a lot of people around.
Anyway, Risa will still be here...I myself return to work next week.
I'm happy to report that Cassie is more reassured that Risa is unlikely to have trouble fitting in here in DC.
Andrew seems to be coming around as well...he no longer believes that Risa was ever involved in any cult after all.
Cutting across my backyard, I let the snow fly about my boots as I walk briskly.
I smile softly as I look at the footprints and other rufflings of the kids playing out here since the snow fell. Snowballs, some in pieces, still litter the yard.
In contrast to last night, there is very little wind this morning, so I leave the hood of my long coat down.
The day before New Year's Eve, after the main roads were cleared, we walked around the National Mall and saw the National Monument, then walked around the back of the Capital and even stopped in the biggest building of the Library of Congress.
Langston loved the Library while Jill and Hope were enchanted by the Monument.
"There's that big pencil building!" Jill had exclaimed, her hazel eyes huge in wonderment.
We had ended our day exploring Union Station's shopping mall and Amtrak stations, then eating there at a pizza and pasta place.
Risa, Starr and Langston shared a huge foot-long pizza for dinner.
Yesterday afternoon and evening Cassie, Lance, Adriana, Quade, Blair, Kelly, Jack, Risa, Starr and Langston bar-hopped in Chinatown while the rest of us relaxed at home.
I'm so happy that Addie and I had bonding time with the kids.
Zane is a lot like Kelly both in personality and physically.
He has mostly honey-blond hair now, but most likely will end up with red hair like Kelly...Indigo has light brown hair that is showing signs of redness.
Both of Kelly's kids seem free of any Llanview influence and drama...Kelly and Jack have been able to set up a stable, peaceful home for them.
Starr is raising Hope very well despite all that they both have been through.
I am grateful that Jessica Buchanan was not able to take and keep Hope...and it seems as if the therapy is helping.
It helps that Blair was able to be a solid, stable mother for Starr and her siblings, despite all that went on in her own life.
And I am relieved that Todd matured and was able to be a good father, despite a couple of stints in jail.
In addition, It's heartening to see Langston and Jill settled into a stable, peaceful life not too far from DC.
Langston and I are both happy to see the bond between Jill and Hope.
The day after it snowed, Langston, Jill, Hope and I spent several hours playing Uno.
Cato and Nova seem to be growing into free spirits, they're both active, but not wild...Adriana and Quade are good parents.
I now have far more hope for the future of the Cramers, especially now that we have escaped Llanview and Hope and I are able to have counseling.
Adding to my spirits lifting for the New Year is the news that my dear friend Ezra will be returning to the States and to DC in late January.
Yesterday, Ezra and I talked on the phone for almost an hour and did a lot of catching up...she tells me that she's happy that I made it to DC.
We know that we will both still miss Zyon, but we'll be able to see Eden from time to time...Eden may be able to visit again in mid-March if her schedule permits.
Thinking back, I feel as if my years in Llanview...the people there, Llanfair, La Boulaie, the Banner, the Intruder, Rodi's, Georgio's the Palace Hotel and restaurant and the country club were part of a surreal dream.
Llanview seems now like a faraway dark enchanted kingdom from another time that attracted people, but ensnared many and bewitched others.
I was not immune to the effects either...because I wanted money and status and the control it gave me, I, like most of the elite crowd there, did many inexcusable things that I may never forgive myself for.
That spell had trapped me, pulling me into by Victor's charm, his web.
Despite Viki's claims, it was far more than Victor's money that drew me to Victor.
I truly had been attracted to Victor's blond, classy looks and his suave charm and how he could command a huge fortune.
As a doctor at Llanview hospital, I had seen Victor at a distance and knew that he had power and money, but did not truly fall in love with him until I was taking a long walk a couple of years later after being let go by Llanview hospital.
I had been walking down Regency Drive past Llanfair when I saw Victor leave his car.
His driver had left and as Victor was walking up the long driveway, he collapsed from a heart attack and my doctor's mode kicking in, I saved his life...this was largely what started the romance between Victor and myself and what drew me under his charm and his spell.
Perhaps Viki was even more trapped that I was since she had been born and raised into this twisted spell.
Perhaps since I was an "outsider" in many ways, Viki not only resented my presence in Victor's life, but at the same time, wanted to pull me into that spell and cast me as the "wicked" stepmother.
Thinking back, looking back, I realize now that I too was bewitched by that Llanview kingdom, lulled into doing things that I'd never done before and that I am ashamed of.
I realize now how vindictive I often had been largely because of collateral damage leftover from my childhood...and dealing with Viki, Clint, Sloan, Cord, Tina and Kevin made my vices worse.
Suffering collateral damage from our childhoods, Viki, Clint and I all made a number of grave mistakes bringing up our own kids, all of who were adversely affected by our dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
Escaping to DC is one of the best things that could have happened for me...I feel as if I had escaped an evil spell and that now I have a chance of overcoming my vices and of doing truly good things for the world.
This had been my most cherished dream since early childhood, especially when I was tucking Melinda into bed, lending her my rag doll to sleep with when she was frightened and when we could hear our mum playing the piano in one of her good moods.
Money and power had been on my childhood wish list too, but I dreamed of using that money and power for good, to see that both of my sisters were cared for and to raise the next generation of my family better than our parents did.
I wanted that money and power to be able to take care of my own family and never have to depend on anyone else, including a husband for money.
Growing up and in my early adult years, I saw too many other women, including Viki, at the mercy of men...either fathers or husbands...for their financial stability.
From my teens and twenties onward, I vowed early on not to let it happen to me, which is a big part of what fueled me to earn almost straight As throughout high school and university and earn a full scholarship to medical school.
I'll never forget how, even though Viki had been on the hospital board after university in her early twenties, then the Banner, it was her father Victor, who was pulling the wallet strings and who truly controlled things.
It was he who had her hired and he who had initially owned the Banner and it was he who could remove her from the hospital board and deny her the Banner if she didn't toe the Lord line.
Even after his death, I later found out that Viki still had several edicts she had to comply with as specified in his will and enforced by trustees of his estate.
So, Viki too was at Victor's mercy and under his spell. even though she would never admit it.
By the early 2000s, I suspected that it was Victor who put in his influence to Viki to be the one not to vote me out of Llanview hospital.
After I arrived in DC, with a bit of sleuthing, including help from Zyon, I was able to confirm this suspicion.
Arriving at the Lower Senate Park, I decide to get myself a hot tea at a nearby deli, then sit and rest for a while.
Holding my tea, I sit on a cold bench and people-watch for a while, looking up at the Capital dome from time to time, reminding myself that I am free from Llanview's spell, that I am no longer subject to the Buchanans' control or judgement.
The park is soothing and quiet in the snow. A few others are sitting on benches, either chatting or solo like me and either reading or drinking tea or coffee.
Others are taking walks or jogging about the park. A group of three kids about Jill and Hope's age are playing in the snow at the far end of the park and it brings a smile to my face.
As I sip my tea, I lean back and enjoy the chilly, crisp clean air and savor the memories holiday I was able to have with my family, my loved ones without any noisy dramas, no noisy fights, no having to fear any of the Buchanans lurking about.
This holiday season truly has ignited within me hope for a better future for my family, especially for the next generation of the Cramers, hope that I never had back in Llanview.
I close my eyes for a moment and listen to the three kids laughing in the distance.
A few more voices join them and I see that a few families have arrived at the park.
I hear a few people around me greeting each other with Happy New Year.
It's a wonderful, free feeling being able to sit here and be anonymous, to not have people instantly recognize you and have an opinion about you, especially when they really don't truly know you as a person, but are basing their opinion on gossip they've heard.
Here, with about five or six million residents in the area, I can be more selective about who I allow into my life, my inner circle.
Here, unlike Llanview, I don't have random people prying into my personal life and whispering speculations about me based on superficial appearances.
Here, I am not judged for not allowing myself to be dragged into small talk with superficial acquaintances.
I no longer am shamed for not enjoying having a wad of so-called "friends" surrounding me whose only interests are blathering about shallow topics limited to themselves and to the latest gossip of the hour circulating in their small town.
I no longer need rags like the Intruder to fight back against people, especially people I really don't care about.
Here in DC, I have been able to write and publish articles about real ideas, real-world events about the real world for truly worthwhile publications, articles that interest a huge range of people outside of Llanview.
As I finish my tea, I gaze once again at the Capitol dome rising in the silvery winter sky and the enormity of being truly free for the first time perhaps in my life fills me inside, swells my heart and penetrates my soul.
The baggage that I had carried for too long from my childhood and the leftover baggage from Llanview is finally lifting, freeing me even more.
That thought, that feeling...I'm not sure how to describe it...fills me not only with true joy but with actual excitement, excitement I haven't felt in decades.
The sensation causes me to stand up, toss my head back and let out a combination of a howl, a whoop and laughter.
I laugh deeply for a few minutes before calming down, then have to catch my breath, still bubbling inside.
Impulsively picking up a handful of snow, I make a snowball and toy with it a few minutes, then toss it at a nearby evergreen tree where it splatters in a delightful white shower, some of it clinging to the deep green needles.
A few people look at me curiously, but no one stares...here I can be zany and quirky without being judged or gossiped about.
Sure now that most of the rest of my family has risen by now, I decide to walk back home, home to people who truly care about me and each other and who I care about deeply.
A new year, which is fitting for the new beginning I feel happening for the Cramers, especially for the newest generation of my family.
The new year beginning is also symbolic of the meaningful, deeper connections I'm now able to forge outside of Llanview both with family and true friends.
Storyline Copyright 2024 by CNJ