I was already blinking myself into awareness when my alarm went off. I woke up feeling…not at peace…that wouldn't be possible, but calm and rested. My thoughts flowed gently as I stared up at the ceiling and unraveled the braids I hadn't bothered to brush out before falling asleep.

It was Groundhog Day, as Greg and Gail had pointed out. I wondered if they would spend their day bickering about the verdict. I'd have to find out what it was so I could reignite their silly feud on Thursday. I'd never bothered to pay attention to Groundhog Day before. You don't tend to worry about escaping the cold in Phoenix.

My only previous tie to the day was the movie named after the tradition itself, it was one of my favorites. It was an existential tragicomedy with just a hint of romance that brought me to tears whenever I watched it. The first time I saw it was with Renee. It was one of her favorites, too. We stumbled across a copy at the library when I was thirteen and she insisted we watch it that very night.

When I became a blubbering mess during the scene where Phil asks Rita if she will live in Punxsutawney with him, she hugged me tight and kissed my forehead with a smile.

"My sweet, tender girl…"

My heart squeezed at the memory. Renee had loved me in that moment. I could feel it even now as I recalled her soft laughter and the scent of her sweet citrus perfume tickling my nose as she held me close.

How could you feel a person's love when they were no longer there? Suddenly it was obvious. You did your best to remember the moments where you felt it the most.

Inspired, I popped out of bed and walked to my CD case and flipped through its pages until I found Graceland by Paul Simon. It came out the year before I was born. Gran had raised Renee on Simon & Garfunkel. That meant by default I was too. Renee followed both of their solo careers but Paul Simon was her favorite.

As the story goes, Graceland was the soundtrack to her getting this very room ready for my arrival. She sang along as she painted the still pale blue walls and as she sat in the rocking chair now shoved in the corner rubbing her growing belly.

"What other way was there to welcome my gift into the world?"

I pulled the rocking chair away from the shelf-lined wall as The Boy In The Bubble started and began brushing away at the mess of knots I had left for myself, rocking to the beat.

Renee told the story every time the album was on, without fail. It was probably why I loved it so much. She didn't make me feel like a burden on purpose. I just was. She probably wouldn't even have admitted it to herself, let alone anyone else. But I knew. I could see it in every sacrifice she made as she struggled to give me as stable a life as she could.

When I could tell she was stressed or feeling chained or that I had pressed her last nerve, I would play it just to hear the story of how excited she was for me to join her in life. To see her eyes glaze over and her hand hold her stomach as she told me the tale was to know I was loved and wanted, no matter the hardships raising me brought her.

I closed my eyes, brushing out my hair by feel, and softly sang along.

"The way we look to a distant constellation that's dying in the corner of the sky, these are the days of miracles and wonder, and don't cry baby don't cry."

At this point in the song, Renee would turn to me and say,

"I would stop to rub my belly and coo this part to you. I caused a lot of paint splatters on the floor because of it. But I needed you to know that..."

Then in unison we'd say,

"…even though there is suffering in this world, there is love."

And then she'd say,

"And don't you forget it!"

Charlie knocked on my door when the second song, the title track, started.

My brush was still meeting plenty of resistance so I yelled from my seat, "Come in!"

The door slowly opened and I was greeted with the sight of a short crop of brown curls.

I laughed. "You can come in all the way."

He poked his head in the room with a sheepish smile that quickly dropped from his face as he froze in place. His wide eyes drifted to my stereo then back to me.

He cleared his throat and made his way in, lifting a steaming mug in his hand. "Made you a cup of coffee and there is breakfast downstairs. Just Eggs and toast, nothing fancy. I felt like an ass yesterday sending you off to school with coffee on an empty stomach… I, uh, already put a little creamer in there."

A strange feeling caught in my throat. I was too touched by such a simple gesture. I willed the emotion from leaking out of my voice and motioned with my brush. "You can set it on my desk. Thanks, that was very…thoughtful."

"You're welcome." Charlie set the mug down but didn't make a move to leave. "Nice hair."

My first thought was that he was teasing.

"Is it that frizzy?" I looked down toward my work.

"No, I meant the waves."

"Oh, yeah. The braids…" was all I could offer to the conversation. I was still strangled by the foreign sensation left from Charlie making me breakfast.

He looked around the room then scuffed a faded blue paint mark on the floor. "You know your mother listened to the hell out of this record…"

"Yeah. Kind of why I put it on..."

"You look so much like her, you know? About gave me a heart attack for a second."

Of course I already knew how much I looked like her. I'd been told that my entire life and if that wasn't enough my reflection was a daily reminder.

But this moment was vulnerable enough as it was, I kept it light. "Don't be humble, I get some of my good looks from you."

"I gotta say, you wear 'em better."

Charlie and I both blushed.

At one point I saw myself only as a less attractive copy of Renee. I spent a lot of my childhood envying her sparkling sapphire eyes before I learned to appreciate the beauty in the modesty of brown. I admired the color so freely in the desert of Arizona but hated it as a part of me. I eventually saw the contradiction. There was treasure to be found if the creatures slithering about in the sprawling sands or the shades hidden in my hair had any say in the matter.

In our shared silence, our eyes locked as a line from the song swept through like its own presence in the room.

"Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you're blown apart, everybody sees the wind blow."

It was as if I had never actually heard the song before.

Charlie let out a flustered imitation of a laugh. "Ain't that the truth… I…I've gotta go. That food won't stay warm much longer. Have a good day, sweetheart."

"You too, Dad."

He left in a hurry. I didn't blame him. Everything was too much for me too.

I rushed through the rest of brushing my hair, yanking through the remaining knots, pushing past the stinging in my scalp. A hot breakfast sounded nice and the pain was easier to focus on than the moment Charlie and I had just shared.

I turned off my stereo, grabbed my coffee and iPod, and headed downstairs to the kitchen. I found the song Graceland and put it on repeat as I ate breakfast. I was a little stunned at the change of perspective I had found in a song I thought I knew as intimately as myself.

"Everybody sees you're blown apart."

I thought back to my first day of school. I had never felt more vulnerable and exposed in my life. I had to face an entire town who before knowing anything else about me knew that I had lost my mother in a horrible tragedy. What a reputation to precede you. The only day that had been worse was the day Phil and Renee actually died. And I had come to that conclusion before Edward and I collided.

More than the fear I had felt in that moment, I hated that he could see how he had affected me. That the whole class had seen me break. Someday I would ask him what had been going on with him, why he wasn't at school the rest of that week, just exactly what his "issues" were. But we weren't there yet by a long shot. I had a feeling the answers were tied up in his self-deprecation and perhaps his otherness.

I glanced at the kitchen clock and scrambled out of my seat. I only had fifteen minutes to finish getting ready. I threw my plate in the sink and ran up the stairs.

A sharp sensation of loss clawed through my chest as soon as I took out my earbuds to get dressed. Panic started to swell as I contemplated the day ahead without some kind of constant reminder of Renee. It wouldn't be feasible to listen to Paul Simon all day while at school. I needed to feel her love like I needed air to breathe. There had to be some other way I could have her with me.

I opened my closet and shoved through my hangers until I found something, anything, that reminded me of her. The first thing to catch my eye was my prized hand-me-down green army jacket that she stole from her boyfriend before Charlie. I pulled it off the hanger and threw it on my rocking chair behind me. I grew increasingly frustrated as I slung past option after option until…aha! At the very end of the rack I found the cotton A-line dress Renee surprised me with to wear to the JASNA General Meeting this past October.

I won the Jane Austen Society of North America high school level essay contest and was rewarded with $ 750, free tickets, and a hotel package for a weekend at the event in Los Angeles. I wouldn't have even bothered submitting to it if it wasn't for Renee's insistence. She had been so proud of me, anyone within earshot had to hear about her beautiful and intelligent daughter's winning essay the entire time we were there. It had been embarrassing at the time, but now all I could feel was her love as I held the brown dress and traced the floral pattern embroidered on the light blue Peter Pan collar and cap sleeves.

I buttoned it on while avoiding my thoughts about the attention I would garner wearing a dress. It didn't matter.

I glanced at the clock, only seven minutes to leave if I had any hope of having enough time to find Edward before class. If I waited too long I would chicken out of giving him his bracelet. It was already a tempting thought.

Don't be a coward.

I dug through my drawers hoping to find a pair of tights thick enough for the weather since the dress fell just above my knees. Nothing. Resigned to being cold, I grabbed a pair of sheer black tights and rifled through the rest of the drawer for a pair of socks to at least spare my toes. Like a shining beacon, a twisted up black bundle caught my eye. I unraveled the pair of thigh highs I borrowed from Joanie when she convinced me to go to a Rocky Horror Picture Show viewing with her over the summer. Mine, now.

While digging out a pair of boots from the closet, a small yellow flower crown poked out between a pile of shirts on the floor. Renee bought it for me at the Ren Faire this last March.

"For my crowning achievement."

I put it on top of my head and as unwisely as before ignored my reservations on wearing something so silly in a school setting. The oversized jacket was almost as long as my dress. I was sure I looked ridiculous. But fashion wasn't guiding my choices so I avoided my reflection in the mirror as I brushed my teeth in the dark.

I double checked the front pocket of my backpack for Edward and I's bracelets and made my way out of the house. I restarted the album and drove with one earbud in with a silent prayer I wouldn't run into Charlie. I'd call Jake after school about my speaker situation. I tried to let memories of my mother and the music wrap around my anxieties as best I could.

When I pulled up to school I scanned the lot for Edward's Volvo but couldn't find it. I risked a glance down at my outfit. A clash of brown, blue, green, and black assaulted my eyes so I closed them. What the fuck was I thinking showing up to school like this?

I put in my other earbud and drummed along on my steering wheel while I watched students gather and mingle as they meandered their way to class. The rain was absent for now and the weather was mild enough that no one was in any hurry. I tried to find that calm I had woken up with.

A flash of silver to my left caught my eye and I saw Edward and his family pull into the same spot they had parked in the day before. A bronze messy mop poked out from the drivers seat. I opened my car door halfway and set both feet on the ground and then froze.

What was I going to do, just walk up to him and give him a bracelet in front of his family? What was wrong with me? Why was I being so weird?

I groaned under my breath.

Edward turned in my direction as if he had heard me though we were at least ten spaces or so apart. I was learning he had a uniform. He always wore dark denim, a long sleeve buttondown shirt, and that expertly tailored peacoat. Today his shirt was a muted olive color. It set a lovely frame for his eyes and hair. He tilted his head, causing a strand to fall between his eyes as a curious smile lifted his moody pout.

I waved him over, still hiding most of myself with the slightly ajar door.

Alice patted his arm and said something. He glanced sideways at her with a tight nod then shook her off with stiff shoulders. She didn't seem to take offense.

His posture relaxed with each step closer to me. I was too embarrassed by my whole everything to feel the same way by his closing proximity.

Just get it over with.

I opened my door all the way and he slammed into an invisible wall with a gasp. Once he recovered from the impact, his eyes widened almost cartoonishly. His wordless shock bubbled into a laugh. I should have stopped to look in the mirror on my way out and saved myself the humiliation.

I grabbed my backpack and curled around it to shield myself from view. My ears were burning. I ripped out my earbuds. You Can Call Me Al whispered out from the tiny speakers. I shut it off, annoyed at the discrepancy between the two moods.

"Um…There's a reason for this ridiculous ensemble," I mumbled to my feet.

"It's…not ridiculous at all." His velvet voice was low and as inviting as ever.

I peeked up at him, too tempted by the invitation even in my state of mortification. He granted me that angelic smile and I felt a little more at ease. I attempted to return the gesture but still held onto my backpack as if it might save me somehow.

He stepped closer and placed an elbow on the edge of my car door and rested his cheek in his hand. "But I am curious to hear the reason..."

The intimacy of his gaze held me prisoner. This was going to be a problem, I had a feeling I'd tell him anything when he had me trapped so deliciously.

I bit my lip as my face further enflamed. "I guess…you could consider it…an armor set made out of my mother's love…"

"Don't be embarrassed, I'm sorry if I made you feel that way." He gestured towards my dress with his free hand. "Your battle attire is quite lovely."

He seemed sincere but I still shrugged. The whole ordeal was uncomfortable. He had laughed at me.

"Honestly, Bella. You look like…the embodiment of spring."

I ducked my head and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "Thanks…but even so…I wish I considered how I'd feel with people gawking at me all day. It didn't seem important at the time."

Having reminded myself the existence of others, I looked around the lot and found that we were already getting a lot of attention from passersby. It was a repeat of the afternoon before. The sight of us together was quite the stir.

"Don't worry about them," I heard Edward say. "You're going to knock everyone dead."

My eyes narrowed as I tracked Jessica and Lauren walking toward us in an unnecessary diagonal line from further back in the lot.

"You misunderstand. I'd rather not have any attention at all." My head snapped back to him. "Hey! I thought you didn't like joking about life and death. 'Don't beg me to kill you, it's awful.'"

"I'm not always so sensitive to exaggeration." He straightened away from the door and combed his fingers through his hair with a dismissive shrug. "Feel free to make light of my so-called life or anyone else's. Just not yours."

I toyed with the front pocket zipper of my backpack, contemplating the meaning of such a sentiment. "That's…kind of sweet, I guess. You're so serious, you know that?"

"You're not the first person to bring it to my attention this hour."

Jessica and Lauren had gone out of their way and were now walking at a snail's pace two cars behind Edward. They were unabashedly craning their heads to stare down at me in disgusted astonishment.

"So it wouldn't offend your sensibilities if I told you I've had more than one violent fantasy since Monday about pulverizing Jessica's face in? Actually, Lauren's face looks pretty punchable, too. A busted lip would be a nice accessory to that sneer."

Edward looked over his shoulder and the girls were suddenly in a hurry and interested in each other instead.

He turned back to me as he covered a laugh with a hysterical gleam in his eye. "Please, I would love nothing more than to hear every gory detail your imagination can come up with."

"Good to know."

I couldn't match his mirth, gorgeous a sight as it was. I needed to give him his gift. It was now or never, the warning bell would be ringing soon. One humiliation down…what's one more?

I unzipped the pocket. "Um, I kinda made you something."

"You made me something?"

I kept my eyes low as I dug the bracelets out of their home and curled tighter around my backpack. "Yeah. Um. Like a memento, a token, I guess…to mark our friendship."

I took a deep breath and opened my shaking palm toward him. The gray bracelets were tangled together but the names Virgil and Dante were clearly visible.

My offering was met with total silence. All I could hear was my heart hammering in my ears. Seconds stretched on for an eternity. That couldn't be good. I took a peek up at him. He was still, but not in repose.

His jaw was flexed and the cords of his neck were taut from the effort as he winced at the bracelets. He blinked up at me wildly and swallowed.

Frightened, feral god flashed through my mind as I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I didn't really know what to make of his reaction other than it was a stupid idea. I closed my fist and went to put them away.

But without a word, Edward reached out and stopped my retreat. I relished at the sight and feel of his pale, long fingers as they wrapped around my fist and brushed against my wrist. His cool touch inspired a current that felt like its own form of heat as it licked its way up my arm. If I hadn't felt so rejected I would have been assured the pleasure was mutual.

But I was afraid to see his expression. I kept my attention on our joined hands and whispered, "It's okay if you don't want it."

With his other hand, he brushed the tips of his fingers over my curled fist. It opened to him like a flower and he plucked the Virgil bracelet from inside.

Comforted by his lingering, gentle hold and made curious by his continued silence I met his eyes again. I couldn't tell if he was touched or tortured.

He gave my hand a soft squeeze and leapt back a step toward the school. It already felt like a loss and then he took one more step away from me.

He put on the bracelet and traced his finger over the letters. "I shouldn't have such a tie to you..." He clenched his fists and took in a shallow breath. "…for so many reasons. But thank you." His voice was as taut as his neck.

I should have realized it wasn't me he was rejecting but himself. That had been the case every time so far. It broke my heart. What could be so bad that he didn't deserve a piece of plastic from me?

"Well, I think it rather suits the situation. You're always helping me out in this hell. And not to diminish my own gift…but it's just plastic, Edward."

A phantom smile intruded upon his tense and solemn face. "But you generously made it for me. I won't take it off."

"Your choice, but the elastic will break faster if you get it wet too often. Speaking from experience." I stretched the string of my own bracelet before slipping it on for effect.

"Duly noted. Ready to head to class?" He held out his arm for me to lead the way just before the warning bell rang out.

I wasn't but I got up and locked my car anyway.

"Abandon all hope ye who enter here," I muttered as we stepped onto the sidewalk.

Eric Yorkie, the acne ridden boy I ran away from on my first day of school, practically broke his neck for a second chance to goggle at the top of my head as we passed. I yanked off the flower crown and sunk as deep into my shoulders as I could. I just wanted my mom.

"You would leave yourself unprotected?"

I whipped my head up at Edward. "What?"

Unlike me, he no longer seemed tense. His entire being was slinky and slack as he leaned over to cross his self-imposed distance to tap my crown. "I'm guessing that is a piece of your armor?"

I gripped it tighter. "Yeah. My mom bought it for me at the Ren Faire. We went every year in Gold Canyon. She…" I hesitated, weighing if I wanted to tell him or not. "She called me her crowning achievement when she gave it to me. She was kind of corny like that."

"Then you should put it back on, you wore it for a reason. I know you don't want the attention but you'll be getting it anyway. Crown or not, you're rather eye catching today."

A spike of dread shot up my spine at the blunt truth. I begrudgingly put it back on with a groan. "Whatever. I wish I had the power to take myself out of people's sight."

"You mean like invisibility?" he puzzled.

"No, I don't want to be invisible. That's too limiting, you have to be naked for it to work. More like a mental trick. I'm there but you still see right past me…some form of shrouding magic."

He smiled through pursed lips and fidgeted with his bracelet. "Do you often daydream about powers you'd like to possess?"

Something about him touching it gave me butterflies. Another day, another hundred emotions.

I couldn't help the dopey grin I gave him. "Maybe not powers I would like to possess but…well…remember when I told you I drew fantasy? I helped someone out over the summer build a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. I helped create scenarios and design characters and backstories, things like that. I spent a lot of time just brainstorming different abilities. It's become natural, I guess."

"Do you have any drawings of your characters with you?"

"No, they're in a different sketchbook."

"Could I see the one you have with you today at lunch?"

"Sure."

I immediately regretted my automatic response. There were numerous sketches of him throughout it. Three of them alone were of his rage filled eyes. We'd cross that bridge at lunch. It'd be revealing to immediately renege the offer.

We reached my building, opposite side of the campus as his. We stood by the doors for a moment watching our fellow classmates watch us as they went inside.

"You should go. Don't want Mr. Greene catching you late to class."

He uncrossed his arms and turned to me, not worried in the slightest. "How was the library?"

I found myself twirling my hair so I dropped my hand and curled it into a fist at my side. "It was fun. You were right, I had nothing to worry about. But I'll tell you about it later when we don't have a class to catch."

I opened the door to go inside and shooed him off. I hoped my fingers might brush against his chest but he backed away before they could.

Gwen Aoki, a kind girl I'd be sitting next to in a moment, came flying by with a dangerous looking pile of papers and textbooks in her arms. "Thanks for holding the door, Bella! Fun outfit today."

I could only blush and nod at her as she passed before I returned my attention back to Edward. "Alright. I'm gonna go. I don't want to be responsible for tarnishing your good reputation with the principal and I don't think Mr. Mason likes me much, either."

He nodded with a reluctant sigh. "We can't upset poor Mr. Mason. But you needn't worry over me. I know my way around this hell, Dante."

He turned with a lazy salute and marched off, touching his bracelet while he went. Everything about him was compelling, even the way he moved. No matter the posture he carried he always led himself by his shoulders. If he was anxious or agitated he was a bullet on its target. But even now, shoulders relaxed, he shifted about like a coil loaded to spring in any direction.

I held the door for a few more people mostly to admire him admiring my trinket of friendship but also in hopes that I'd catch him…do something. No such luck. Maybe I really did read too much fantasy… I only walked inside once he cut the corner and was out of sight.

I gave a wave to every single one of my classmates as I passed their desks to get to mine with dear frazzled Gwen in the back row, even Jessica. Though she looked down at her notebook when I gave her my most hostile approximation of a grin. I had accepted I made myself an attraction by showing up to school completely out of character. I gave them something to look at, might as well say hi and make it nice.

Gwen briefly stopped searching her scattered papers to smile up at me when I sat down. "Where'd you get that dress? It's so precious."

I blushed and kept my attention on offloading my own supplies. "Um, I'm not sure. It was a gift."

"Well, if you ever find out let me know… ugh, I can't find my homework! Just one of those mornings you know? I overslept, nothing was where it was supposed to be, brother annoying me at every step…"

I smiled tight lipped and nodded. Normally Gwen and I kept our conversations to greetings. I guessed I seemed more approachable today.

"Ta da!" she exclaimed, holding out a piece of paper in both hands over her head. "Ugh, I can't wait to be finished with A Rose for Emily. It's so bleak, don't you agree?"

I shrugged. "I like Faulkner."

Class started and I turned my attention toward Mr. Mason. But as his lesson droned on about Emily's decaying home as a metaphor for the dying South, my mind wandered back to Edward's reaction to the bracelet.

He was terrified, like I had offered him a hot coal to swallow and there was no way for him to get out of it. It reminded me of both his behavior during my panic attack and at lunch the day before when he was holding onto himself, struggling to participate in the conversation.

If he wasn't having a panic attack during such obvious moments of acute stress…what was he going through? What was it about being around me that made him so uncomfortable? I tried to find the common denominator in our interactions but was at a loss.

His intensity and self-crimination went beyond simple insecurities and doubt. Maybe I did read too much fantasy but that didn't take away the fact that there was obviously something to him, and his family for that matter.

I darted out of class the moment it was over and kept my head down as I beelined to Government in an attempt to avoid any attention, but Mike spotted me.

"Bella!" He was talking with Tyler Crowley under an awning but ditched the conversation to catch up to me. He gave me a once over and two thumbs up. "Very stylin'. Didn't know you had it in you."

There seemed to be a dig hidden in there… I glanced at him suspiciously and tightened my jacket over my dress. "Is that a compliment?"

"Yes…?" His smile fell as he blinked the rain from his eyes.

I let it go. What was the point? "Thanks, Mike."

"So, what's the special occasion?" he asked, back to his usual confident self.

Luckily, we had reached my building so I could excuse myself from this conversation. "No occasion, just felt like it. I've got to get inside. I'll see ya."

Mike looked at his watch with a frown. I disappeared off to find the sanctuary of class before he could respond.

I gave a repeat performance of smiling and waving on my way to my desk and did my best to pay attention to class instead of ruminate over Edward. I was starting to fall behind in both Gov and Trig. I didn't have the luxury anymore of zoning out. Grades didn't factor in the death of your mother. I wondered how many times I would realize that the world stops for no one.

I was surprised to find Edward fiddling with the combination of his locker down the hall outside my classroom as I exited. He was getting curious looks of his own from the crowd around us that he easily ignored.

I slowed to a crawl as I got to him. "Well, hello there."

He abandoned opening his locker with a mischievous smile. "Bella." It sounded like it was a relief for him to say. "How has your education gone so far today?"

I shrugged and swallowed the butterflies fluttering up my throat. "You?"

He gave a shrug of his own. "Since we're both here…could I walk with you to your next class?"

"Mhhm. It'll make it feel less like a death march."

He made a face so I quickly elaborated.

"Sorry, I'm working on it. I just hate Mr. Varner and I hate trigonometry even more."

He relaxed, but his sense of playfulness was gone. So sensitive. "I'm the one being ridiculous, I know," he admitted.

"It's all right." He was being ridiculous but it was endearing in his weird intense sort of way.

He made a gesture for us to leave.

"Don't you need to get in your locker?" I asked.

He glanced at the locker and hesitated. "I haven't used it in awhile. I seem to have forgotten the combination. Nothing urgent."

When we got outside, Edward turned to me with a hint of his crooked grin. Today his dreamy eyes were more a bright caramel than honeyed. "So, you have your crown of achievement. May I ask what makes your dress a piece of armor?"

When he looked at me our sidewalk spectators disappeared from my mind. My cheeks felt hot. I didn't know if I was blushing from his attention or embarrassment.

I was proud of my accomplishment but fully aware of the depth of my nerdom. Joanie teased me for liking Jane Austen so much. She couldn't understand why I loved "that boring stuffy shit." I'd already admitted to building Dungeons & Dragons campaigns for fun.

"Um. Renee surprised me with it as a present for winning an essay contest. She embroidered it herself." I traced a finger over one of the flowers on my collar. "One of her longer running hobbies," I added, absentmindedly.

"She did a beautiful job. What contest did you win? Seems she was really proud of you for it."

"Yeah… I'm a member of the Jane Austen Society of North America. They sent a postcard inviting submissions and I forgot to throw it out when I was sorting through the mail. She…" I tried to find the kindest way to say forced. "…severely encouraged me to submit an essay of my own for the high school division. So that made her pride in the accomplishment tenfold."

He cocked his head. "What was your essay about?"

"How Persuasion demonstrates the justice of social mobility and Austen's belief that nobility arrives from greatness of character."

His eyes sparkled. "Would you let me read it sometime?"

I hated to disappoint him. "A lot of that kind of stuff got lost in the move and I usually just delete files once I'm done with them. I'm sure you can find it out there somewhere. It's just a two page paper, nothing fancy."

He glanced at me with a raised brow. "Yes, nothing fancy. It only won out of every other possible submission in a national contest."

I rolled my eyes. "Can you talk to the dead? Is she here with us? You sound just like her."

My flippant dark joke stopped our walk. He turned to me eyebrows knitted slightly and opened his mouth to speak.

I cut him off with a pointed finger. "If I can't make jokes about my mom being dead, we're gonna have a problem."

A tickled grin grew out of his confusion and we headed towards my classroom door. "Yes, ma'am."

"Glad that's settled."

We walked quietly until we made it to class. We did the same thing as before, watching others watch us.

It was kind of funny in a way. I never saw myself having the potential of a high school celebrity. Wasn't life just full of surprises?

Once the hall was mostly empty, he put the full force of his charm on me. His eyes melted my mind as a tender smile played upon those full lips. "I may not be able to speak to the dead, but it seems obvious to me you have her here with you."

My breath caught. I could feel a tear threatening to escape. I looked away. "Thank you. I'll see you at lunch."

I ran inside without another glance at him and crumpled into my seat.

All I wanted was to lay my head down on the desk and work through whatever storm was brewing in my heart. There were so many feelings about myself, my mother, and Edward tangled up in knots just as awful as my hair this morning. But I had trigonometry to worry over. Something I would most certainly carry with me and remember this time next year.

I closed my eyes instead and took a few deep breaths until I felt some sense of calm. After this class, and after Spanish with sweet Ange, it was lunch with Edward. Which was sure to be all sorts of exciting and revealing. Sure, there'd be lots of attention but maybe I was getting desensitized to it because the effect felt negligible in my mind compared to the beginning of the day.

Mr. Varner started the lecture and so I reluctantly opened my eyes and did my best attempt at understanding the stupid subject.

A/N: Well…this one was a fun doozy to write. Phew. I just love these two…how about you? lol

Very quickly, The JASNA General Meeting and essay contest is real and the 2004 meeting was hosted in LA that October. But obviously our sweet, tender girl didn't win. The actual winner was Joyce Lee. You can find their winning essay with an easy google search. It is titled: "True Worth and Second Chances: Social Flexibility in Persuasion." I used their essay as a reference for how Bella describes her essay to Edward.

Now that that is out of the way, thank you for reading and for all of the reviews, etc. Each one is a surprise for me and has been super encouraging. This has been an amazing creative outlet for me in so many ways.

I'd like to take time to offer a little inside look into my writing process and explain some of my inspiration for this story. I'm usually not one to explain my personal writing in real life, preferring to let my art speak for itself. But this is fanfiction and I figure if you've gotten this far along in my story and this far into the author note, you're interested in reading about it. I'm honest about my fanfiction hobby with my friends and family, but most of them don't understand the dolls or dollhouse I'm playing with the way you, my audience, do.

So, sorry this turned out to be a five page manifesto but basically, damn it…I wanna talk about this work I'm super passionate about and have spent countless hours pouring myself into since August.

And I honestly mean countless. In my personal free time, if I'm not writing, outlining, or daydreaming about this story, I am reading or listening to Midnight Sun and referencing the illustrated guide for ways to understand characterizations and the world as Meyer built it so I can change it as I will.

To give you an idea of how much I have put into this so far, I have a loose outline for this story as a trilogy with an interlude "novella". I am always writing ahead while simultaneously working on each chapter as I post.

This is why, besides the chapter length usually required for narrative flow, I take a month between each post. This story is a web in my mind and I follow the threads as they inspire me. I have major scenes densely written that will probably take 90k more words to reach at least, given Bella's damn introspection. (Mine?) I even have basic skeletons of various alternative POV's. Mostly they serve as a way for me to understand what happens outside of Bella's perspective and how to move forward in the story but some I plan on posting alongside each fic as they are completed to be a companion compendium to read after each subsequent text.

Bless my heart, I enjoy this? I really, really do. I have been afraid of the task of creating anything beyond short stories or poetry my entire life and this has been such an intellectually fulfilling way of expressing myself and has given me a confidence I have brought into my other writing. I hope this devotion and excitement is evident to you as you experience it.

I got into Twilight during my senior year of high school and immediately was swept up in the intense, immediate passion of eternal love. As I am sure many of you were. I read through all of the books over and over and loved them completely.

Well, maybe I was always upset about getting no emotional pay off with Edward and Bella finally having sex and weirded out by vampire hybrids and baby imprinting. Seriously, the scenes of tension in Eclipse were way hotter to teen me than the actual scenes implicating their intimacy in Breaking Dawn. Will any of us ever forget the moment we finished the honeymoon scene, put the book down, and said "is that it?" I get it was a YA book, but where was the desire?! Could have given us some damn collar bone caresses and thigh hitches again at least. I digress, I'm just nerding out.

I loved these books with my entire heart because they were a great escape for a grieving teenage girl. How amazing was it to fantasize about a forever with a totally devoted romantic hottie when you knew just how devastating mortality could be? I wanted to be swept away from my problems and protected "more than anything."

I kept up with fandom on this site for a few years around that time under a different username, wrote a completed Jasper/Bella cheat fic that turns into an Alice/Jasper Bella/Edward repair fic. It was a 19 year old's honest attempt at tackling Bella's belief that being like Edward would solve all her problems. I reread it before I decided to create this separate account as a fresh start. There were nuggets of my voice there but I didn't know what a paragraph was and I had a poor grasp on the themes at hand anyhow. I decided to leave it because it still gets a favorite once or twice a year and I always hate when a loved fic disappears.

But as I got into my early twenties, I became aware of a lot of the qualities that make Twilight clumsy and immature. I became slightly embarrassed by it. The immediate connection my mind can come up with is the feeling I had when my friend found my Barney magazine subscription in the second grade. It was fine to acknowledge as a part of my growing up, but I felt too old for it any longer. I donated my books and kept Edward and Bella's story as a memory.

Anyway, after nearly a decade of not reading the material and only watching the movies here and there at parties, my partner expressed interest in watching the movies with me. I was super excited to share this part of myself with him after years of talking about it here and there. Watching the movies with someone who had never seen them and had no experience with the story caused me to watch it with a critical lens for the first time since I abandoned it as a childhood toy of wish fulfillment. Through our conversations about the themes, relationship dynamics, implications, charm, and pitfalls of the series and how I related to it as a teen/young adult versus now, I was inspired to read the books again.

I reread Twilight first, and although I already had reservations about Bella's character and how she is depicted, something new became apparent to me. It is told to us repeatedly that Bella is mature but what I see shown to the reader is a parentified girl who learned that to be accepted and loved was to make her needs small and to sacrifice herself until she was left with nothing. Sometimes these feelings of worthlessness cause her to actually be a burden throughout the series. Which is fine, it does make her character and the story compelling, if not hair pulling. But I want more for her and out of her.

Also, a few runaway lines really bothered me… If you couldn't tell, I thought it ridiculous beyond comprehension that Bella, who owns like ten books, couldn't find a single one worth her time in the library when it is apparently the only hobby in canon she has. Ha ha. I'll let the rest of my thoughts on her canon characterization make themself apparent to you in the winks and turns of the story.

Afterwards, I read Midnight Sun in a flash and finished rereading the rest of the series just as swiftly. Wow, was I taken in by Edward's perspective. Some people seem to really hate Edward's narrative voice over on the subreddit, but it made me love his character and the twilight universe even more in new ways.

Getting access into Edward's experience as a mind reading blood thirsty vampire vs Bella's experience of having the easiest transition in vampire history, how poorly he understood her in comparison to how she understood him during their courtship, the teenage aspect to his immortality and how that effected the Cullen family dynamic as he saw it, his moral compass and ethical values, and most importantly what he loved about Bella and how he saw how her past with her beloved mother shaped her invested me in the story just as if I was that girl back in high school again. What a guy. So many of his mistakes with Bella became understandable to me, if not acceptable. I want to help our sweet anxious vampire out so badly.

So, what is Inevitability? (After an over a 1k word introduction. Oops.)

Inevitability is my attempt to play with the same themes of Twilight while pushing Stephenie's characters to go deeper than she was either willing or capable of going, as I see fit. I have aimed to do this in a way that still feels believable in her universe.

I kept Bella's signature introversion and sense of insecurities and interests while often changing their intent and focus. I did this by giving her a best friend who could call out the unfairness of Bella's weight of adulthood responsibilities but also to give her cultural and life experiences outside of her mother's influence. Sometimes all it takes is having one person that you trust to point things out to you lovingly and sincerely. Because of this, I hope her character changes, while often a great departure of her usually reserved self, still feel like some possible version of Bella based on a combination of canon life experiences and the experiences I give her.

Through her new characterization, I YEARN to severely challenge Edward's beliefs throughout this series as he supports Bella through her stages of grief in realistic and necessary paths while they navigate the intricacies of the supernatural world. I'll let the rest of my intentions for other characters and world building reveal themselves to you as they happen.

Bella and I's experiences of teen grief and how we handle(d) our experiences differ in multitudes. I did that to give space for her experiences to be hers and mine to be mine as I work through her particular loss and how I feel her character would react, given the conditions I've given to her. But even with our differences, it's hard to ignore that this is a way for me to give a teenager the love and care she deserves after a loss in a way I didn't get to experience.

This is another one of the many ways I have found immense joy in this undertaking. I get to take my childhood toys and play with them in honest respect and a curiosity to what attracted me to them in the first place, while I try to make them grow with me. So, thank you for reading this far and I hope you enjoy this exploration of Bella and Edward as much as I do.

Xoxo,

Phantomsforeverr