Chapter 7: Harry – Self-loathing can be worse than the cruciatus but friends can heal all wounds.

Harry still wasn't sure if he was okay after the World Cup, but he knew he had to keep moving. At first, he threw himself into books, studying everything from basic healing to arithmancy, anything to keep him from thinking about the men in that field, split in half and cauterized wounds filled his mind as he tried as hard as he could to stay focussed, Ahsoka hadn't come to check on him since their chat that night. Hermione would come to check on him every hour or so, to see if he was willing to leave the room he and Ron shared. Speaking of Ron, he came in exactly once, asked to play quidditch and upon a negative answer from Harry, he scowled and left.

Harry couldn't help but feel the distance between him and Ron growing, every day their goals just seemed to differ more and more, Ron wanted to goof off and have a laugh, Harry knew he needed to live. Plus, it was hard to look at his best mate's face while thinking about the men he murdered.

Yes, Ahsoka had told him that he wasn't a murderer and yes, she had reminded him every day that passed that what he did was the right thing.

He couldn't believe her.

How could he? She had fought Death Eaters as well and had managed to deal with them without killing them.

He turned to look at his lightsabre, innocently sitting on the bedside table next to where he slept, he hadn't touched it since that night, afraid of what he could do with it, afraid of how easily a life could be taken by the device.

A part of him wanted to blame Ahsoka for giving him the weapon, teaching him how to use it and how to harness the Force. He knew that was wrong though, Ahsoka didn't kill anyone, he did.

A knock startled him from his self-loathing.

"Harry, it's me." Hermione's voice rang from behind the door.

Harry didn't respond, he didn't want to see Hermione's face filled with pity, her eyes looking down at him filled with worry.

"I'm coming in." Her voice said again. Harry didn't respond.

Hermione walked into the room and scrunched her nose.

"Harry, when was the last time you showered?" She asked, looking around the filthy room, buckets piled around him filled with vomit every time his actions caught up with him.

"I don't know," Harry replied quietly.

"Right," Hermione started. "Well get cleaned up, Ahsoka and I are getting worried, she wanted to come up here herself but was scared you hated her."

Harry chuckled darkly, wasn't that just what he had been thinking about? How much he wanted to blame her for all this. But he couldn't, and he couldn't bear the idea of Ahsoka thinking she hated him, so he stood up.

"I'll wait in the hall, you need to shower, you stink." Harry nodded as he walked sullenly towards the shower.

-O-HPAFG-O-

"Harry- "Ahsoka started.

"Ahsoka- "Harry said at the same time.

They both shared a subdued chuckle, neither knowing how or where to start.

"I'm sorry!" They said at the same time before laughing again.

Ahsoka threw herself at Harry, clutching him as her life depended on it.

"In the Order," She began haltingly, as though not sure where to begin. "They forbade attachments, which meant when someone experienced this the usual idea was to sit and wait for them to get over it. It didn't feel right but that's all I know, I'm Sorry."

"It's not your fault, I was being a bit of a prat," Harry said smiling shyly rubbing the back of his head.

"Resolved then?" Ahsoka asked looking up at him. For a moment Harry was completely lost in her eyes, they were such a brilliant shade of blue weren't they, he felt himself leaning down when a voice shocked him out of it.

"Blimey mate, been in your room all week and the first time I find you outside it's in the arms of Ahsoka." Ron chuckled.

Harry and Ahsoka jumped apart, blushing furiously before getting themselves under control.

Ahsoka coughed. "Okay, so the reason I wanted you to come out here was because I want you to try using the Force to help you do wandless magic. Since experienced force users in my world can lift objects utilizing the Force, I was curious if something similar could be done with Magic, using you're internal Magic to guide the Force through a spell."

Harry nodded thoughtfully. "It's possible but why haven't you tried this yourself?"

Ahsoka smiled shyly. "Learning Magic together is our thing; it didn't feel right trying stuff by myself".

Harry smiled despite himself, Ahsoka knew how to cheer him up.

He sat down and immersed himself in the Force, finding the meditative state easy now he'd done it so much. Immediately surrounded by the Force the only thing he could feel.

Was love and acceptance. It overwhelmed him and surrounded him, Harry couldn't help but cry, tears started streaming down his face as he finally understood he wasn't a murderer, the force still loved him and confirmed he wasn't tainted by the darkness.

Slowly, after getting his much-needed fill on love and acceptance, Harry turned himself to the task he had been assigned. Imagining how Magic felt through his body he pooled it all together while thinking about the spell expelliarmus. Reaching out he asked the Force for assistance, the Force was more than happy to oblige, it swarmed to him, bringing the magic in him out into the physical world.

Opening his eyes Harry saw a floating ball of red in front of him, he knew, the Force told him, this was his spell, and it would answer to his will. Smiling Harry sent the ball of red flying, it wove and ducked and soared through the sky.

"Um, Harry?" A voice startled him out of his fun, the ball of Magic vanishing into the air as his focus left him. Turning to the source he saw Hermione and Ahsoka standing with open mouths, Ron stood off to the side grumpily.

"Yeah?" He asked despite himself; he knew what they were going to say but Harry felt no reason not to drag out the fun.

"That was incredible!" Ahsoka gushed, her eyes shining as they looked at Harry, he found himself getting lost in her eyes again when Hermione's voice cut through.

"And impossible." She said in her 'lecture mode'. "Harry it should be impossible to make a spell go wherever you want it. You can only direct Magic until it leaves your wand you can't just send it wherever you want."

"Right, but I didn't use a wand," Harry said with a grin.

"And what about the underage Magic laws?" Hermione continued, it seemed she hadn't heard him. "You could go to prison, Harry! Or worse, get expelled!"

Harry smiled. Leave it to Hermione to put expulsion over prison time.

"Well to be fair Hermione, if I went to prison I'd be expelled as well."

Hermione looked dumbfounded for a second before her face started to turn red as she realised what he'd said.

"Even worse! You could have your wand snapped Harry! You could've-" She started ranting.

"Hermione." Harry cut her off. "Do you see any owls?"

Hermione stopped short. "Well, no- "

"When I got my first letter it came almost immediately." Harry said confidently, "If it was going to come by now it would've."

Hermione gaped. "Well, you should still be more careful Harry- "

"And I will," He cut her off nodding sagely. "But right now, I want to be excited that I can do wandless freaking Magic."

Ahsoka nodded with his words. "It was excellent Harry; how did you do it? I could barely get a sputtering when I tried."

Harry looked thoughtful for a second. "I just kinda, asked."

"You asked?" Hermione shrieked.

"Yes." Harry replied, "I thought about expelliarmus, how it made my Magic feel, started pooling it together and asked the Force for a little help and felt it take over, it still left me with control, but it allowed me to bring the Magic out of my body."

Hermione looked thoughtful.

"Are you saying Harry," She asked. "That you asked Magic" Seeing Harry's look she corrected herself. "Sorry the Force, to bring your spell out and it just, did it?"

"Yep," Harry replied.

Ahsoka grinned. "Alright Mr Wandless Magic let's practise, you said your lightsabre cut a spell in half, right? Grab it we'll practise cutting and deflecting spells."

Harry's grin fell off his face, Ahsoka must've noticed because she looked worried again.

"Harry." She started. "Do you still want to become a Jedi?"

"Of course," Harry said immediately, Ahsoka smiled.

"Then you need to use your lightsabre, it is a Jedi's most important tool."

Harry nodded slowly.

"I know, I just don't know if I'm ready." He said looking down.

"Harry" Ahsoka's voice was much closer now. He looked up and she was right in front of him, looking at him with those beautiful soulful eyes. "If you don't try you will never know."

He nodded again, reaching out into the force he called his lightsabre to him. A crash was heard as it came flying out the window.

Everyone's jaw dropped. The group looked at each other not sure what to do when a voice pierced the air.

"Fred? George?" The Weasley matriarch screeched.

"I thought their names were Gred and Forge." Ahsoka said confused.

Everyone started laughing.

A/N I don't know if I'll leave it off here or come back to it but this felt like a bit of a filler/fluff chapter. I felt Harry would have a reaction to the killings he did but I wasn't sure how to get him back to where he was before, or at least with a new perspective. This was the best I could come up with. As always, any feedback is appreciated.