Shades Of Self Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I do not own Ben 10, but I am having lots of fun with it!

Welcome back! I realize last chapter was really dark. This one should be a bit of an easier read; still not great for Ben, but less grim I hope.

Thank you so much to all of the people who read the last chapter, and especially to the people who commented and reviewed! I had an excellent time reading everyone's thoughts on this story and the character and plot developments which took place. I'm especially glad that people found last chapter to be believable. I was a little nervous posting it after building it up so much, and because it became one of my favourite scenes. Don't worry though; there are lots of events and revelations to come.

If anyone is interested in an excellent One Piece fanfic, you should check out "To Be Human" by rikuai12. It has some excellent world building, character interactions and introspections. Some of my favourite things! If you like One Piece and you are reading my story, you will probably enjoy it very much!

Sorry that this is a little late. I only missed my deadline to update something by one day though, so I still count that as a win. Enjoy the chapter and see you at the bottom!

"It is not the cruelty that stings the most, nor the neglect, but the infrequent kindnesses."

Prinmat, Galven psychologist

Four Years Ago

Ben slept long and deeply. He had no dreams, or did not remember those he had, and when he awoke he found that he didn't know where he was. He opened his eyes to daylight and thought for a moment that he was at home in his room with the curtains open. Then he saw the red stone walls and the giant window in Vilgax's room, and last night came back with a rush. Ben's heart dropped into his stomach. He sat up abruptly and looked sharply around for Vilgax, but the alien was not in evidence.

Ben found he had been lying on the leathery couch-thing he had seen before, and he was covered with a soft, moss-coloured blanket, which he shoved off with a shudder. The room was not misty this morning, and somewhere in the back of his mind, Ben wondered if it was dependant on the weather, or if Vilgax had turned it off.

He slowly climbed down off of the high couch and stood on the cold stone floor. His boots had been removed again during the night, and he pulled them on with stumbling fingers. He was trying not to think about what had happened before he had fallen asleep, why he no longer felt like an over inflated balloon, what he had said to Vilgax in order to get permission to change, and what had happened afterward when Vilgax picked him up. The thoughts came anyway, accompanied by a rush of despair and self loathing, and Ben clutched fistfuls of his hair with his hands and took deep breaths until the tight feeling in his chest faded.

Once the feeling passed for the moment he took tentative stock of himself. He still felt tired, as though he hadn't gotten enough sleep, but the awful restless feeling was mostly gone, and the omnitrix no longer dominated his thoughts. It was almost like awakening from a nightmare, and he found that even the memory of how he had felt at the height of his discomfort had faded and no longer seemed real. However, if that had been a nightmare, than surely this was one as well, though for different reasons. His eyes felt sore and maybe a little raw, and everything felt vaguely surreal as though it had happened to some other person. Thoughts of last night started poking insistently at his mind again, but he did his best to ignore them.

Ben blinked a few times to fight off the wet feeling in his eyes, then took another look around the room, glancing apprehensively at the two closed doors. One lead out into the corridor, but he wasn't sure about the other. It probably opened onto a bedroom or another part of Vilgax's apartment. Vilgax could be in there. Ben doubted the alien would leave him alone in his personal rooms. Even if there wasn't anything Ben could do to escape, there was probably sensitive information somewhere in here that the alien didn't want him seeing.

Ben's eyes wandered over to the green stone desk Vilgax had been sitting at last night. There was no floating screen over it this morning, but maybe there was a switch or something to activate it. He hesitated at a sudden thought. If he could turn the screen on, maybe he would be able to find some important information. Like how to get this collar off. He silenced the thought as soon as he had it. He didn't want to hope too much for something that had been impossible for what felt like so long.

Ben chewed his lip apprehensively, darting glances around the room, but eyes always going back to the two doors. A not insignificant part of him wanted to forget his idea and leave now, before Vilgax came back to check on him. He didn't want the monster to catch him investigating, didn't want to see Vilgax at all after everything that had happened. Maybe he should just go back to his room and try to pretend that last night hadn't happened. No.

He shook himself mentally. This wasn't like him. This was his chance to find some information, and possibly something that could help him escape. He had never been one to play it safe or to give up, even when a situation seemed hopeless. Normally he would have ignored any risk, but now he could feel his breath hitch in his throat even as he made his way over to the desk. He knew he had to be fast, to find what he could before the alien came back, but his mind was still wrestling with the memories of last night and his movements were slow and hesitant.

He didn't know what he would do when Vilgax inevitably returned, not after what Ben had called him, and not after breaking down like that in the monster's arms. The very thought of what he had done filled him with shame and a kind of dull horror. He had given up last night; surrendered much more than he had when he was first captured. Then Vilgax had picked him up, held him, petted him, and Ben had done nothing. He had just sat there and taken it. And he had cried in front of the alien for the first time.

Ben felt a painful tightness building in his chest again and his eyes prickled with the beginnings of more tears, but he swallowed the feeling down with difficulty and took a long, steadying breath. He looked up at the stone desk. The chair was also of carved stone, and was much too tall for him, but he managed to scramble up with the aid of the carved ridges in the stone until he was standing on the seat. It was cushioned, and he rocked a little as he lent forward and grasped the edge of the desk with one hand.

Ben's yellow-green eyes darted again to the doors, then, relieved that they were still closed, his gaze trailed over the desk. It was flat and smooth, the stone cold and smooth as ice. It was carved of a deep green stone with irregular black veins. Ben's wandering eyes could find no buttons or switches, and when he felt the surface, along the edges and underneath the lid of the desk, his fingers met only the same smooth stone. He checked the arms of the chair as well, but had the same result. After a few minutes of searching vainly Ben let go of the stone and sat down abruptly in the huge chair. He felt the familiar prickling in his eyes too late to stop several tears from trickling down his face. He raised a hand to wipe them away, than let it fall limply back to his side. More tears came and he let them fall.

What am I doing?

He didn't know any more.

At first it had been almost easy. His imprisonment had been infuriating, boring and frightening, but it had all felt temporary. He had been caught by enemies before, after all, and there was always some way to escape. He had searched for a way out that he was sure was there, and he had fought Vilgax with all he had. Even once Vilgax put the collar on him, when he knew he couldn't physically resist his captor, he had fought and struggled against Vilgax's orders, resisting as best he could. But nothing he did had mattered. Vilgax merely continued with whatever plans he had, and Ben was forced to go along with them. His struggles made no difference to the alien.

How long would he have to do this? It couldn't be forever; it just couldn't. He couldn't fight Vilgax forever; couldn't keep resisting when it changed nothing.

The self-loathing welled up again inside him. He knew he would be disappointing Grandpa Max and all of the other plumbers if they could see him right now; sitting here uselessly crying in Vilgax's chair.

His master's chair.

His heart seemed to clench at the thought and Ben lifted his hands again, scrubbing angrily at his face, not caring that the harsh rubbing made his sore eyes sting. Tears still lingered, but they didn't quite spill over and he was able to blink them back.

Ben sat there for a minute, eyes focused on nothing, just breathing. For some reason, he still didn't want to leave. He didn't want to be here when Vilgax came for him, but his room wouldn't be any better. Vilgax would come to get him wherever he was. It didn't make a difference, so he might as well stay where he was. His breakfast had probably been delivered to his room, but Ben wasn't hungry. Slowly, he lent back into the chair so he could watch the doors. Then he waited for Vilgax.

Ben spent the time while he was waiting mentally prepping himself for the alien's return, but when Vilgax opened the door, he still felt his heart jump unpleasantly. It was the door into the corridor that opened, so Vilgax must have been out doing something this morning, not that Ben had any real idea of what time it was. Red eyes went first to the empty couch, than trailed across the room until he noticed Ben, still seated in the stone chair with his legs stretched out in front of him, and his tentacles rippled gently. Ben was stiff as a board, hands clenched in an effort to keep his unsteady emotions under control. He met the red eyes for a moment before dropping his gaze uncomfortably, though he still watched the alien warily.

Ben wondered whether Vilgax was surprised to see him still here. If he was, there was no indication of it. Vilgax took a few steps into the room, towards him, and Ben found himself pressing back into the pillows, unconsciously trying to back away. He felt the familiar helplessness wash over him like cold water. It didn't matter what he did; whether he tried to keep his distance or not; Vilgax would do what he wanted anyway.

"How did you sleep, Ben?"

Ben jumped again slightly at the growled question.

"Fine," he managed in a quiet voice.

"Good."

Vilgax took another few steps toward him. Ben watched him approach, but did nothing except try to shrink into himself, even when one large hand reached out and stroked over his hair, smoothing it back gently. Ben flinched at the touch and clenched his hands more tightly until his nails dug into his skin. After a few moments, Vilgax stopped petting him and moved back again slightly. Ben let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. At least Vilgax hadn't picked him up this time.

Vilgax continued watching him closely. He glanced around the room before his eyes returned to Ben.

"I have something to attend to before your training," he said in a distant growl. Ben wondered why the alien was telling him this. Vilgax didn't usually keep him abreast of whatever he did during most of the day. At least he knew he still had training today. That was a bit of a relief. His desire to use the omnitrix had lessened considerably, but it was still there. Vilgax had paused for a moment, as though waiting for a reaction. Then he continued. "You may accompany me if you wish, or you may return to your room until I come for you."

Ben's thoughts ground to a halt and his eyes snapped back up to Vilgax's face. The alien had paused, waiting as he always did, but this time he was waiting for an answer, not acquiescence. Ben hesitated for a moment. He didn't want to go anywhere with Vilgax but….

But it's still better than being alone in that room.

"I'll come with you." He said it quietly, feeling another whisper of shame, but brushing it away. One of Vilgax's tentacles twitched to the side. Ben had seen that gesture from Vilgax before when aliens on the ship addressed him. It might be an affirmation, but he wasn't sure.

"Come," Vilgax said. He turned away from Ben finally and started toward the door. Behind him, Ben hesitated again, but only for a moment. Then he climbed down off of the chair and followed.

Ben was surprised by how busy it was. After leaving the empty hallways which seemed to surround Vilgax's rooms, Ben saw many aliens moving through the hallways, all seemingly absorbed in some important task. Most of the aliens they passed were the species that seemed to be native to this planet, the ones he had privately begun calling Swampfire, but there were a few other species present as well, possibly from Vilgax's ship. As Ben had previously noticed, any alien they passed paused in their activities to acknowledge Vilgax with a respectful word or gesture before hurrying on.

Ben found himself calming slightly as they walked, his tumultuous emotions settling a little. It had been a few days since he had seen anyone aside from Vilgax, and he watched the aliens with a kind of hunger. They had been walking for a while now. Wherever his captor was heading was much farther than the training arena, and Ben found that it was nice to stretch his legs, as well as get a look at more of the massive building. He had a feeling he had only seen a fraction of it so far.

Ben had already noticed that that the architecture on this planet seemed to involve lots of carved stone and had an ancient feel to it, despite the advanced technology which was clearly present. It was very different from the highly industrial feeling of Vilgax's ship. Much of the lighting came from either open flames or some kind of glowing crystals, as Ben had seen in Vilgax's room. It reminded him of a castle or possibly a cathedral because of the delicate carvings which were often evident.

For a while now they had been walking through a set of corridors carved from stone that was deep blue green. The walls were carved with strange, underwater creatures, all eyes and teeth and strange whip-like fins, and the light came from small, blue flames in recesses in the walls. Ben traced the carvings with his eyes as they passed, fascinated. He would have liked to stop and get a closer look, but didn't want Vilgax to force him forward with a command. It was still amazing to look at. The flickering nature of the light played over the carvings which seemed to move and undulate under its influence, and Ben wondered whether they represented real creatures that lived on this planet.

He wondered if he would ever be allowed out of this building to find out.

They left the underwater section behind them and entered a more austere region carved from grey stone shot with clear quartz. There was less for Ben to look at in this area, and less to distract him from his thoughts. Fortunately, they seemed to have reached Vilgax's destination. An arched doorway opened into a large, circular room dominated by a massive stone table of the same shape, carved out of deep black stone. Two aliens were waiting in front of the table, and inclined their heads when Vilgax entered. One was a Swampfire alien. It had a slightly bent back and was dull green touched with brown. Its crest was mostly orange with red along the bottom like a dying fire. It made Ben think that perhaps this alien was old, a thought which was amplified by how stiffly it moved. The other alien was very different. It was some kind of huge insect, only twice as tall as Ben, but as long as Vilgax was tall. Its hard shell was black with a blue sheen, and its compound eyes, sharp looking mandibles and twitching antennae gave it an undeniable creep factor. Both aliens looked at Ben for a moment and then quickly away again. Ben wondered what Vilgax had said about him to his subordinates.

"Warlord, welcome." It was the insect who spoke. Its voice was cold and clipped, as though the end of each sentence had been snipped off with a pair of scissors, but something about its soft, high voice made Ben think it was female.

"Trisaara," Vilgax greeted then, turning to the Swampfire alien, "Raskkof." He strode past the two aliens with Ben following uncertainly until he reached the table. "Show me the Marcross solar system."

The table was a little high for Ben with the top being just about level with his nose, but he could at least see over the edge. When they had entered, the table top was as smooth and black as obsidian. However, at Vilgax's order the alien called Raskkof touched something on a screen he was holding and a holographic display flickered on. It showed a set of seven planets of different sizes and colours floating slightly above the table's surface.

Vilgax leant over the display slightly, reaching out to touch one planet with his claw. It was right in the middle, a blue globe with skinny continents winding across its surface like snakes. At his touch, the hologram of the planet enlarged until it was the size of a large beach ball. Beside the planet, what looked like a list of stats in an alien language appeared.

"Prosious," Vilgax said. "When did the Plumbers contact them?" Ben looked up sharply at this.

"Yesterday," the insect, Trisaara, answered in her clipped tone. "Your emissary intercepted their coded transmission. According to His Holiness, they haven't been contacted at all." Vilgax's tentacles writhed in what Ben was pretty sure was anger.

"This means they were only delaying," he growled. "They never intended to accept."

"So it would appear." Trisaara's antennae twitched and she scuttled closer. Ben took a couple of small steps back. "Our fleet is ready, and better poised. We should be able to get there first, in time to secure the atmosphere. Will you be leading the attack?" Ben felt it when Vilgax's gaze turned to him. He met the red eyes for a moment, then hunched his shoulders and looked away, back to the planet Vilgax was about to invade. Vilgax turned back to Trisaara.

"I trust you can manage the assault."

"Of course," she answered, her two smallest front legs rubbed together like a fly cleaning itself.

"Good." Vilgax eyed the planet again. "Once you have routed the Plumbers, inform His Holiness that Prosious no longer has a choice about joining my empire."

"Gladly. Do you wish me to punish the inhabitants?"

Vilgax's red eyes looked very cold as they turned from the hologram. "At your discretion."

They left shortly after. Vilgax gave his subordinate some more instructions, and they discussed the planet and its resources. Ben listened absently, but his thoughts were whirling. He couldn't take his eyes off the holographic display. Several times he thought he felt eyes on him, but when he looked up, the aliens were all deep in conversation. When Vilgax turned to leave, Ben cast a final glance at the peaceful blue planet in the hologram and it stayed in his mind as they walked down a new set of corridors.

While focusing on his own problems, he supposed he had forgotten what Vilgax's ultimate goal was. He wanted to conquer the galaxy, at least from what Ben understood. He didn't know anything about the planet Vilgax was talking about, but they were in trouble, and they had asked the Plumbers for help. Vilgax's troops were trying to get there first, to have an advantage in the coming fight. Vilgax had not seemed worried that he might lose, only angry at Prosious because they had asked for help. How big was his fleet, and how large a force would be Plumbers be able to send?

Would Grandpa Max be there?

Ben shook his head. Surely not. Grandpa was retired or something. He would protect the earth if it was threatened, but he likely wouldn't go so far across the galaxy. Ben glanced up at his captor. How many planets did Vilgax already control? He certainly seemed to own this one, and probably whatever planet he had originally come from. Ben felt a surge of resentment towards the alien. Why was Vilgax doing this, just to gain more power? He thought about the meeting room again. Ben had not expected to be taken to a war meeting. It really highlighted how thoroughly trapped he was. The element of surprise was obviously important for the coming invasion but Ben had been brought along anyway. It clearly didn't matter what Ben heard. Vilgax was confident he wouldn't be able to tell anyone.

And he was right.

Ben swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. He couldn't do anything for those people. He couldn't even help himself. Some hero he turned out to be.

Ben paused, eyes taking in the sight before him. They had arrived at the training arena some time during his unpleasant musings, but it had changed. Instead of the bare space where he had fought with the robots, Ben saw that a variety of metal and wire contraptions had seemingly emerged from the walls. They wound around the entire outside of the ring, and some even hung down from the top, near the ceiling.

It's an obstacle course, Ben noticed with interest. He felt a spike of anticipation and looked back to where Vilgax was closing the door. When the alien turned to him he waited impatiently as the course was explained, than morphed as soon as the order was uttered. His gloomy thoughts were tossed aside for the moment and he allowed himself to become lost in the adrenaline of the changes as he worked his way through the course. Once again the ability to change from alien to alien was exhilarating and Ben felt almost like laughing as he slipped under or around obstacles. Nothing could touch him like this.

The training session lasted longer than the previous ones, and by the time Vilgax ordered him to change back Ben was tired and morphed without complaint. He was feeling hungry now, although he wasn't looking forward to the imitation food that would be waiting for him. As they started back towards his cell, he glanced down at the omnitrix. He supposed he didn't really know much about it, despite it being literally attached to him. He hadn't thought that not being able to use it would mess him up like it had. It had left him at helpless, pleading to change, and he never wanted to feel that again. Had Vilgax known what would happen? Probably, Ben thought grimly. The alien had likely been counting on his breakdown. He wondered what the alien would do next. Vilgax had not told Ben to call him 'master' again today, but Ben hadn't initiated any conversations with him either. He sighed. He was sure it would come up again at some point.

And then they were back. Ben felt his heart constrict as he looked at the familiar doorway. He took a few reluctant steps inside, and then stopped in amazement. This was his room, he was sure, but the wall opposite his bed had changed. It was now a window like the one in Vilgax's room, but smaller. Through the transparent wall he could see the trees of the jungle and a kind of marsh, swampy with little grass islands in it. He looked back at Vilgax in confusion to find the alien watching him inscrutably.

Vilgax didn't say anything about the window. All he said was "You may come to my rooms whenever you need to." Then he turned to leave, closing the door behind him. Ben was still for a moment, merely staring. Slowly he walked up to the window, placing one palm on the transparency and looking out. The jungle stretched out as far as he could see on either side. It was very cloudy, but not quite raining. After watching for a minute he noticed one of the small lizard creatures sitting in a tree, eating something that it held in one tiny claw.

Why had Vilgax done this? Ben shook his head. He didn't know, but maybe right now it didn't matter. What was important was that it had happened. He decided he could wait a little while longer before he ate. Right now, all he wanted to do was look at the outside world. He didn't know how long he would be able to, after all.

Thanks for reading!

What did you think of the aftermath? This was a less emotional chapter, so we get a little time to relax. Not that Ben is feeling too relaxed.

Finally Ben meets Trisaara, or at least sees her for the first time. And he got to hear names even! Ben doesn't get introduced to a lot of people right now. He still doesn't even know Atron's real name poor kid. Not a very momentous meeting perhaps, but I enjoyed it.

We should be seeing some small time jumps in the next chapter, though nothing too dramatic yet. I still have some important past events to get to.

Next up will be Memories Make Us, Best Friends Since PreK or Anniversary I think.

Send me feedback if you like. I love to hear it! See you all soon.