Chapter 5
Dorian:
As we sit down to eat, I notice Addie look heavenward for a few seconds as almost everyone around us is talking.
Then she makes the sign of the cross and I realize that she has just said a prayer, a quiet one.
I never knew her to be religious. I myself have never been religious myself, but Addie's quiet prayer reminds me of a time back in late December 1995.
Desperate for peace and clarity, I had visited Llanview's Saint James church that New Year's Eve.
I had just been cleared of all murder charges a few weeks before, but much of my family was in turmoil.
Blair's then-husband Todd was missing in Ireland and presumed to be dead, Blair was pregnant with Starr and wondering how she was going to support the two of them.
Cassie and Andrew's marriage was coming apart at that time too.
Viki had also mentally broken down and was in and out of a mental hospital and her kids were struggling to cope with it.
I know I didn't often handle things with Viki or her family well.
Her son Joe, who had been in university at the time and I had a romantic fling, partially in retaliation for Viki's extramarital affair with Sloan and her framing me.
It became a real romance, but Viki caught wind of it after she barged in on us.
I don't blush easily, but I'll never forget turning red when Viki screamed at us in a rage, calling me "immoral" among other things and talking down to her son as if he were still a child.
She bullied us into breaking up shortly afterwards, but Joe and I still sometimes saw each other on the sly.
Viki's daughter Jessica was growing up dealing with Viki's DID and Viki often not being there for her, so Jessica was growing increasingly unstable.
So...that New Year's Eve, I sat down at the church alter and just prayed for strength...strength to do the right things, strength for my family, strength for me to be there for my family.
I hope God answered that prayer...perhaps he did because I'm sitting here with family with my sanity intact and Llanview behind me...sometimes it's hard to believe I came through it.
But I don't think I'll ever figure God out because I don't even know if God's name is a first name, a last name, a pseudonym or an acronym.
We do lots of catching up over a great dinner of roasted garlic chicken and a rice and vegetable pilaf.
It's especially good to see Starr and Hope smiling again. Hope does grow tired during our dessert of maple cheesecake and bids us all goodnight and goes to bed early.
"I don't think Todd is leaving Port Charles any time soon," Blair tells us. "His nightclub is starting to take off."
"Doesn't he co-own a newspaper as well?" Addie asks.
"I think so," Starr says, finishing off a second piece of cheesecake.
Our conversation drifts into various directions for the next hour or so.
I'm very happy to hear from Blair and Starr that Sarah Roberts has settled in Annapolis, Maryland and recording and producing albums.
Sarah is quite different from her parents from what I've seen...so is her brother CJ.
"Tina complains on instachat and facemedia that her kids never visit or contact her, " Blair chuckles and Addie and I can't help smiling.
"I can hardly blame them," I put in. "I wonder how long Tina and Cord will last this time."
Really, the way Cord and Tina along with Viki and Clint carry on pretending to be royal couples of the century, then marrying and divorcing ten or twelves times is hilarious.
"The thing is, Cain still posts pictures of himself and Tina together and Tina responds with hearts," Risa adds. "Isn't Cord the jealous sort? And we all know Cord and Cain hate each other."
I'm so glad CJ and Sarah are grown today and out of there...CJ in the Navy in the UK and Sarah in Annapolis with her music.
I say this much, but add my worries about Bree, Brennan and Liam, who are now growing up with Natalie, Jessica, John, Brody and Ford's messes.
"I saw that Jessica was in the hospital again early this past summer," Risa puts in.
"I wonder how Aunt Viki's handling it," Starr muses.
Our post-dinner conversation slowly shifts to other topics since none of us really want to dwell on what we left behind.
There's not too much any of us can do for Llanview now except hope that the next generation is not too badly damaged the way several of us were.
•••••••••••••
I am brushing my teeth later that night when I hear a soft scared cry. Tensing instinctively, I rinse my mouth out and listen more closely.
The wailing cry comes again from one of the guest bedrooms. I take my toothbrush and hairbrush, I softly re-enter the hallway.
For a minute, it's quiet, then I hear soft crying. Hope, I realize. I softly enter the first guest room, which is across the way from where Addie, Risa and I are staying.
Starr is sitting with Hope, who is sobbing in her mother's arms.
"Nightmare..." Starr tells me as I softly close the door and sit with them.
We both hold Hope until her crying slows. Starr gets tissues for her. I'm relieved that Hope seems to be growing calmer.
"Bad dreams are no fun, are they?" I ask gently, cradling my great-great niece's head in my arms.
She shakes her head a bit. "I was in a dark field in Port Charles, but there were fires all over. I couldn't find my mom or my dad or grandparents or any of my aunts."
"Wow, that is scary," Starr says.
We sit for a long while and talk softly, gently reassuring her. I remember all the nightmares I've often had...too many, including the recent one about Llanview's death row.
As Starr tucks Hope back into bed, leaving the lamp on for her, I kiss Hope goodnight.
"Thanks for checking on her with me, Aunt Dorian," Starr whispers as she gets into her own bed.
We hug goodnight and I head to my own bed where Addie and Risa are asleep.
•••••••••••••
The next day is rather pleasant, peaceful and mostly uneventful. Hope is in better spirits.
We take the subway up to Central Park and walk about there, then late that afternoon, eat at an Italian place.
To my delight, there is actually a risotto con porcini dish there. I can't help but smile remembering a trip I took to Italy with my then-lover Mel Hayes and I had that dish often.
"Thinking back, I wonder why I didn't name my house back in Llanview after an Italian dish instead of after a French pastry," I quip and we all laugh.
The restaurant is delightful...genuine-looking Italian statue miniatures all over and duplicates of famous Italian paintings on the wine-colored walls.
I think I even hear a bit of Italian intermingled with and mix of Spanish and English from the staff.
•••••••••••••
I am at Llanview Hospital waiting to hear word on my daughter Cassie, who has just miscarried.
Pacing, I see Viki and Sloan whispering and eyeballing me...I know that they are blaming me for the miscarriage.
Dorian...Viki calls. She approaches me with a cold smile, her pale blue eyes piercing me.
I try to move back, but her long arms reach around me like octopus tentacles and I can't escape. You are hurting because of your own guilt...or what passes for a conscience.
I see the knife and scream. But it's too late and she stabs me in my back. I feel myself go limp as I fall into a puddle.
People stare at me and I try to cry out for help, but they just gawk. A few smirk at me, including Sloan.
Well, we won't have to send her to death row after all, Sloan says with a cold, chilling laugh.
I wake up with a hard jolt and am so relieved to be in the guest bedroom that I burst into tears.
My tears momentarily blind me, so I can only feel Addie's soft hand on my shoulder. I realize how violently I'm shaking, so I struggle to calm myself.
"Dori...?" Addie says softly. "You were having a bad dream."
I'm so pityingly happy to hear her voice. I'm able to open my eyes, wipe them with a tissue Addie's handed me, then shakily sit up.
Next to Addie, Risa is standing looking worried. She reaches out to hold one of my hands as I blow my nose with the other.
I try to speak, but my mouth trembles and my voice breaks as more tears stream down my face.
"You're going to be all right, dear," Addie gives me a hug.
After years of Addie being at Saint Anne's with impaired verbal ability and impaired responses to the environment, it is a beautiful wonder to have her here now, able to hug me and be the big sister I'd always wanted.
"Are you starting to feel better, Gran?" Risa asks, sitting on the bed beside me.
I nod and wipe my eyes again. Gradually, my shaking slows and I'm no longer so terrified.
But I am left wondering why I'm having nightmares again, especially about Llanview and about the Buchanan clan.
When I left Llanview, the Buchanan dynasty had gone mostly under, Clint was broke and was under house arrest and both the Buchanan and Lord dynasties had lost much of their hold over Llanview.
So, these recent nightmares are leaving me puzzled...I wonder, as I often did back in Llanview, if I am under a curse that Clint or Viki had put on me.
I know that they're muggles and don't have any supernatural powers, but I wonder if maybe they'd bribed people.
In addition, I realize that Viki and Clint had pasts and family curses that they had fallen victim to as well.
I worry now that the curse has followed me out of the town, although intellectually, I know that it's impossible.
"Th-thanks..." I manage, my voice still breaking a bit.
"It was bad back there, wasn't it?" Risa asks. I nod. Addie and I look at each other.
"Even back at Saint Anne's, I knew Dori was having a bad time," Addie says. "I was sometimes afraid Asa, Clint or Viki were going to kill you."
"Me too," Risa admits. "Even after Mom and I moved to Canton, as I grew older, I'd worry that both of you were in danger in Llanview. I saw how Mom sometimes wondered if you would be all right."
"And I still wonder if I'll be all right even now...I mean emotionally," I put in, as a few more tears slide down my face.
"I think it's the after-effects," Risa reassures me, giving me a quick hug. "Now that you and Addie are free, I think that'll fade."
Looking at my older sister and my granddaughter here in safety away from Llanview, away from Viki, away from small town gossip ignites a small blue flame of hope that perhaps we can break free of this curse and we can keep our family, the Cramers, not only safe, but thriving.
Addie and Risa give me reassuring hugs one more time before returning to their own beds.
After they drift off to sleep, I read by nightlight for a couple of hours and think about future generations and how I've worked hard and been akin to a fierce mother lion to protect them, including my daughters and nieces and now my great-nieces and grandchildren.
It is my deepest wish that the next generation of the Cramers to have better childhoods, lives and futures than Addie, Melinda, Cassie, Adriana, Langston, Blair and Kelly and I did.