Chapter 19: Not Alone

"I brought you some food."

Jas opened his eyes, Vess stood before him, tray in hand, and a shy smile on her face.

He sighed and shook his head.

Incredible, he thought.

I didn't even realize she was coming.

The thought annoyed him.

Had he lost so much.

He had been out here for several hours, meditating, trying to find his connection to the living Force, and yet, despite all that, he hadn't sensed the girl's approach, he hadn't even heard her.

He tried not to frown, to let his frustration show…

A bad sign…no doubt about it.

The sun had finally set here on Dantooine, the two moons were already starting to rise. The clear night sky was filled with a sea of stars; to a hopeless romantic, it might have been called beautiful.

Vess continued to watch him expectantly, still in her t-shirt with her combat suit pulled down around her waist. Her bare feet had made no noise as she made her way across the open plain.

She was a beautiful sight, and one that he didn't wish to look at.

Seeing her standing there, it was fuel for dark ambitions.

Ambitions that needed to be resisted.

He would not hurt her.

He refused to cause her pain.

He brushed at his neck, feeling a bit hot and sweaty. Yet, as he started to take off his coat, he felt a cool breeze, cool enough to make him shiver.

It was summer here on Dantooine, it had been hot when they had landed, now the night air brought with it a slight chill, Vess, likely expecting that, now wore the old jacket that Jas had given her years ago, that and a blanket over her shoulders.

The latter seemed a bit much.

"What's with the blanket," he asked, "It isn't that cold."

The girl giggled nervously and blushed.

"It…um…it was for you, actually, Miri says it can get chilly here overnight, I…I thought you might need it."

She looked away, a shy expression on her face.

"I…I suppose most worlds feel cold to me. Bantoon was always warm…I got used to the cold, living on Alderaan, but…I never forgot the heat."

Jas nodded, an acceptable answer, and expected from a sweet girl like Vess…

…but…

It wasn't entirely the truth either, he could sense that.

It is about the only thing that I can sense right now, he thought, irritably.

How pathetic is that?

Dantooine was a world steeped in the Force, the Jedi had trained here for centuries. Though they no longer maintained any enclaves here, the world remained a strong conduit for the Force.

He had come out here hoping to tap into that, to use that strength to cleanse himself of the dark taint that he had let in back on Taris.

So far, he had had little luck.

When he had first discovered the Force as a child, he had saw it as a beautiful sea of light. Its currents and eddies flowing towards eternity. It had been easy to find that connection then, and had remained so even after finding himself separated for the order.

Now…it was no longer so easy.

He had managed to sense the sea of light, but it was no longer calm and simply flowing, the waves were rougher, currents of darkness now flowed through him, or, perhaps from him.

He had tried to find his center, a sense of peace, but without success, every time he closed his eyes, he saw the face of Temm Yimm.

The Collective agent grinned at him like a shark.

"You offered me up as a sacrifice for power," she would say, "Now…you try to back away from it, to turn away from the gifts of the Eternal Night?"

The girl snorted and sneered at him.

"You coward."

Jas shook his head.

The dead girl's face would not leave his mind. Sometimes, she looked as she had when they first met, others she would look like she did when he left her dead, her body maimed and scarred.

He felt the horror of that act, but in the back of his mind, part of him remained excited by it, and hungered for more.

He feared that, and feared what it meant.

He had let the darkness in, not simply brushed against it, but truly let it in, and by letting it in, he was afraid that he had permanently damaged his connection to the light.

If so…he was lost.

Vess sat down the food tray, and spread out her blanket before him; She crossed her legs, settling down, watching him expectantly.

Not wishing to be rude, he abandoned his meditation, for now. He hated to admit it, but the smell of food made his stomach growl, he had not eaten anything since Taris, since the attack by the Caetus shipping people.

Perhaps sustenance will help, perhaps it would help him focus, and allow him to return to the light.

Vess said nothing as he ate, field rations all, tasteless, but you could survive on it. He had often eaten such meals when living with the Mandalorians.

He glanced up at Vess, she didn't seek conversation, merely to be close to him. He could sense her trust, and affection, it shone from the girl like a beacon.

That feeling…it made him feel a bit self-conscious.

She…she was so sweet.

Naïve and valuable, Temm Yimm's voice whispered to him.

The perfect combination.

He suddenly remembered what he had been thinking, planning, when Miri had come for him, when…when she had tried to save him.

It would have been easy to use the dark side to bend Vess to his will, given her feelings, she would have hardly noticed, but in few short hours, she would have been a pliable figure-head for him, the key to controlling her world, and…when they were alone, when the lights were low, she could provide…others services.

Thinking about that now, he…he felt so ashamed. He could barely look the poor girl in the eye.

What she feels, that affection…I…I don't deserve it.

He shivered.

I'm…I'm a monster.

"Are you cold?"

The question caught him off guard, Vess had been so silent, and he had been so busy looking inward…

"I'm…I'm fine," he lied.

He pushed the tray away, no longer hungry, the thought of what almost was robbed him of his appetite.

Vess didn't take offense, she simply sat there, watching him.

He should have ended it then, he should have assured her everything was okay, stood, and headed back down to the ships.

Yet, he couldn't…

…he stayed…part of him knew…

…he needed to stay.

In this moment, his emotions were raw, all self-control, the system that the Jedi had taught him was stripped away.

He…he didn't want to be alone.

He was scared, what he would do if he was alone.

Miri's face swam up into his thoughts, her expression calm and supportive.

A Jedi is never alone.

Perhaps, he thought, but…was he a Jedi?

Had he ever been truly…a Jedi?

Despite his training from Master Vey, he remained an outsider. The council had use for him, but that was not the same as considering him a member.

He knew what Sy would say if he was here. No doubt, his brother would have reveled in Jas' misfortune, he would have seen it as proof that he had been right.

Sy always believed himself my superior, today, he would see what happened as evidence of that.

Sy was right about me.

I'm not worthy of the name Jedi!

At least you admit it, that little dark voice in the back of his mind said, can Sy say the same? He tried to murder you. He left you to die on that ship, and now he gets rewarded for that choice?

How is that fair?

IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Jas' anger tried to rise at that thought, his heart beat faster, he felt the darkness trying to flow back into him. It thirsted for more, it desired only that he fall to its power.

He…he took another deep breath, tried to let it flow through him, and be gone, but the anger…some of it anyway, remained.

He only just pushed It back down.

Damn it!

Why can't I control this?!

"Jas?"

Again, Vess' words reached out to him, calling him back from inside himself.

The girl…she looked worried.

"Jas…look at me, please."

He could barely meet her gaze, his compassion and desire were at war, the darkness and the light both had plans that she could help advance.

He hated the fact that he was considering them, that he couldn't just leave the poor girl alone.

She will get hurt either way, he realized.

I'm poison to everyone around me.

Prynn was right to leave me all those years ago.

He managed to glance up, barely, hating himself for being yet another kriffin' Murglak who wanted to use the girl for his own ends.

Vess.

She needed his help, but he might be worse than the people that were still pursuing her. He could be more dangerous than Targo and the Sunset Collective combined.

He hated that he was a threat to her now. It felt like he had failed Val, and broken the promise he had made to her.

He hated that.

He hated himself.

He felt a slight shift in the Force, pain radiated from Vess, and a single tear ran down her cheek.

"You can't even look at me," she whimpered, "You…you are ashamed of me!"

He blinked.

Wait?

WHAT?!

"You saw what I did, and now…. now you can't bear to look at me!"

Her pain got through the dark clouds in his mind, he…he almost had no words.

"What are you talking about? I…I would never be ashamed of you."

"You saw it," she repeated, tears now flowing freely down her face, "You saw what I did to those men on Taris. They surrendered; they begged for their lives and…and I didn't even think of stopping."

She shivered.

"I shot them down. It…It is what Aunt Rehanna would have done, what she taught me to do. I…I didn't even want to stop. They…they were hurting people, they were helping that shutta, hurt people!"

She shook her head.

"You're a hero. I don't blame you for being disgusted with me."

Jas winced.

He remembered now, at the time, he had been too lost in his bloodlust to care.

Yes, he had seen it, Vess had blasted down Yimm's surviving guards, she had not allowed a single one to escape. Now, the girl was afraid of his judgment, that the man she saw as a hero would think less of her because she had chosen to end the threat of the men who had threatened her, tried to take her away from him.

He understood her fear, in fact, he shared it.

He wondered why she had not turned her back on him. She knew what he had done to Temm Yimm, how could she not?

He shook his head, feeling even smaller than he did before.

"I have no right to judge you," he said, his eyes falling away from her again.

"After, after what I did…what happened, what you did, you did that in the heat of the moment, I understand, but…what I did…I…I need you to understand, Vess. You need to see what I am now."

The girl sniffled and looked up at him.

"What are you?" she asked in a small voice.

Jas' hands clenched into angry fists. He could feel the dark side surging despite his efforts to turn away from it. Even here…he knew the truth.

I can't defeat it.

It is going to swallow me whole!

He forced himself to look upon the girl, to make her understand.

"I…back on Taris…I…I fell, Vess. I let the darkness in, and I fear that it is going to destroy me. I tortured someone for information. I…I tortured them to death, and on some level, I like it! I…I became something else in that moment…"

He shuddered and held himself.

"I'm…I'm the monster that the Jedi feared I would become."

Vess said nothing, she simply sat there, he could feel her pain, and…a sense of compassion as well.

He only just managed to hold down his anger.

Fool girl, isn't she listening to what I'm saying?!

She should feel nothing but contempt for me! I would steal her crown, her world, her very mind if she let me in!

I'm not worthy of compassion.

Miri is wrong, he thought.

I'm…I'm truly beyond saving.

He forced himself to look into her eyes again. He could not hide the pain and fear.

"You…you should go. You should take Miri and get out of here. You should destroy that collective ship, so that I can't flee; contact the Jedi, and let them deal with me."

He put his head in his hands and almost sobbed.

"I'm no hero…I'm unworthy of that name. I'm not worthy."

"I…I never was."

He wanted her to leave. He needed her to leave. She wouldn't be safe in his presence, he knew that.

Yet, the girl did not rise, she still sat there, watching him, he could feel the connection they shared, one that had been growing since he had saved her from Targo, maybe even before that. They had worked together back on Alderaan, studied together, ate together, played cards together.

He had let her in, despite only seeking to protect her, to fulfill his promise to Val, to help put her back on her throne. He had wanted her to find justice, to finally see justice done for her murdered parents…

That is what he told himself, but…was it more than that?

She should have turned away from him, he would not blame her, that is what a smart person would do, that…was what Prynn had wisely done.

Vessaria Istillo, she wouldn't turn away.

He knew that.

He was dangerous, but she was unafraid.

She…she wanted to help him.

She shyly reached out to him, touched his hand, and pulled it away from his face. She held it, so gently, he could feel her touch, so soft.

It made him look up, to see the young woman before him.

She was in pain, they both were, but she would not leave him.

You're not alone, the Force whispered in his ear.

A Jedi is never alone.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said firmly.

"I'm not leaving you."

"You've suffered enough," he said, "I don't want to cause you anymore pain."

She continued to rub his hand, it felt like there were jolts of electricity running from where ever her fingers touched.

"You won't hurt me," she repeated, "I know it."

She pressed his hand to her lips, such a simple act of kindness, but it made his heart beat faster.

She closed her eyes, and looked away again, her expression both shy, and warm, at the same time.

"I've…I've thought of you over the years. More often than I should have. I used to stare up at the night sky and wonder what you were doing in that moment. I prayed to the gods for your safety, and wondered…hoped…that you were thinking about me.

A shiver ran through her, he sensed her fear, not of him, but of not saying what she had to say, words that she had kept bottled up, perhaps for years. Yet, now, they rushed to the surface.

The girl worried her lower lip with her teeth, her brow furrowed in the same cute way that it did when she was deep in thought.

"You were out among the stars, and I thought of you, held your old coat tightly and wished that you would come back to Alderaan, that I could see you again."

She laughed nervously.

"The desires of a scared child, that is what they were…at first, but over the years, I've continued to think of you, to wish that you would come, that you would see me, and know me as I am now."

Vess sighed.

"I know it is foolish, I know how you see me, but…I need to say it. You need to know that you are…special. You are not a monster, and you are not unworthy, Mister Jas. You are a man, you are flawed, but that is okay, it has always been okay."

She blushed and smiled at him.

"I…I understand that, no matter what you can do, you are special…to me. I won't abandon you. You…you are my hero, my brave knight, and you are stuck with me."

Now, she looked away, his heart was pounding in his ears, his emotions were still raw, left bare by his experiences on Taris.

He couldn't hold them back.

He didn't think he wanted too.

"Vess," he murmured, "What are you trying to say?"

The girl winced, part of her wanted to back away, but she was where he was now, a point of no return.

Their eyes met again, blue and grey, both unable to look away.

"I'll…I'll never abandon you, Jas Dar Bynn. I…I love you; I always have."

The words were said, and they couldn't be taken back or unheard.

Jas sat there, unable to respond.

I love you.

Three little words.

He thought of Prynn; how those words had always stuck in his throat. He had never had the courage to say them, even though he should have.

Vess was far braver that he. This sweet nineteen-year-old queen was braver than one trained in the ways of the Force.

Amazing.

She sat there expectantly, waiting for him to respond.

He felt…he felt…everything.

Val told you.

The thought came unbidden.

Yes.

Val had told him, yet, he had not believed it at the time, he…he had still seen Vessaria as the little girl he had plucked off Bantoon all those years ago. He thought her a child, uncapable of knowing what that type of love was.

Now, sitting across from the young woman she had grown into, he knew that he had been wrong.

Vess understood.

She had known the whole time.

Pain radiated out through the Force, Vess shook her head, he felt a surge of pain, shame, and rejection.

"You don't like me," she said flatly, "I'm still just a child to you!"

She stood tried to walk away.

"Wait," he called out.

"No," she spat.

He leapt to his feet and grabbed her arm.

"WAIT! PLEASE!"

She stopped, and spun around, her blue eyes were angry, flashing like a cat's.

They were both breathing hard, staring at each other. Vess was angry. She felt rejected.

He felt like a fool.

"You're not a child," he said, "I…I know that."

It was not what he should have said perhaps, but it did give her pause.

She looked into his eyes, looked and tears ran down her cheeks.

He reached out and touch her face, wanting only to make her feel better, to make the pain stop.

"I…I know you," he said, "I know."

Something passed between them, something unsaid but very strong.

He felt her anger fade, she looked into his eyes and smiled.

He sighed.

"Vessaria…I…"

She didn't let him finish; she had heard enough.

She leapt forward, wrapping her arms around his neck.

She kissed him, again and again, and for the first time, he did something he hadn't done before.

He kissed her back.

Vess was still crying, but it wasn't because she was in pain. He felt her happiness surge out through the Force. It was like a wave of warmth, a wave that washed over him, pushing the shadows back, banishing them from his world.

He heard Temm Yimm in the back of his mind, screaming as she and her dark promises were washed away. Burned away by the heat…the desire he was feeling.

His hands slid beneath Vess' jacket; he could feel the soft skin of her back. She groaned into his mouth, a sound of pure desire.

She pulled away from him then, breathing heavily she slid off his old coat and let it fall to the ground. He tried to pull her in for another kiss, but she back away again, grinning fiercely, hungrily, the girl pulled her small T-shirt over her head and off.

She wore nothing beneath it, and as she returned to his arms, she moved his hands to her body, let him feel her warm skin, let him explore.

Her kisses were everywhere, he groaned as her lips found his ear, and then down his throat.

His heart and blood raced; he was…so excited.

"Vess," he gasped, "I…"

"No more talking," she panted, unbuttoning his shirt, he was helping her now, slipping off his own coat, eager to get his shirt off.

He felt hot…so very hot.

She guided him down onto the blanket she had brought with her. He was on his back now, as she pulled down her combat suit; It, and the black briefs she wore underneath.

Vess, he thought. He looked up at her, at the vision of loveliness above him.

He felt dizzy.

He wanted her.

Damn.

She knelt down and began to unbuckle his pants.

"No more words," she gasped excitedly.

He swallowed hard; his throat as dry as a desert. Everything was heat…heat and desire.

"Vess…I…"

She smiled as she wrapped her bare legs around him.

"I know, my love," she purred.

"I know."

He gasped as she took charge, acting like the queen she was. She was on top, and she knew what she wanted, and took it without further thought.

They moved together.

Vessaria set the pace, their lovemaking was fast and hard. The tension and pain of the last few days burning away in the desire that they shared.

Beneath the light of the twin moons, and the stars. Jas let go of the darkness, and let in something new, and in that moment, he came to understand something, to truly understand it for the first time.

"I'm not alone."

The thought almost brought tears to his eyes. He looked up at Vessaria and felt only heat and desire.

Thought the Force he felt only heat…heat and lust.

It wasn't darkness, it was more…something…primal, and wonderful at the same time.

"I love you," she gasped, "I love you so much!"

He sat up kissing her hungrily while she wrapped her legs around his waist. They stared into each other's eyes.

Their lovemaking continued; he was drowning in those beautiful blue eyes.

The words came then. He said them without fear.

"I love you, too."

She pushed him back down his confession only fueling her desire, Vess went faster, excited and desiring everything.

I love you.

"Jas," she moaned, "Oh my gods…Jas…I…I…"

She threw back her head and cried out.

"JAS…I…AHHHHHH!"

Stars exploded before their eyes, as they both found what they had been seeking.

Vessaria collapsed next to him, moaning softly. He rolled over and wrapped his arms around her, soothing, her, comforting her.

"Yes," she murmured, kissing his arms and snuggling against him.

"Yes."

He said nothing, too lost in the Force, the wave of warmth that had finally helped him cast off the darkness.

It was still there, it would always be there, but…now…it could not find purchase. Something else had filled up too much of the space, it shielded him now, protected him.

I love you.

He lay there, holding her close to him, and smiling up at the stars.

"I love you," he whispered in her ear.

The girl smiled, and fell asleep.

Not alone.