It's everyone's favorite new Sonic character: Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag! He's thirteen gallons of liquid cheese in a garbage bag with a face drawn on it and with little cardboard tubes for arms and legs with a pair of gloves and some overdesigned sneakers stuck on the ends. I won't tell you which ends the gloves and the sneakers are stuck on! That can be up to your: imagination! Go wild!

"Hey my NEW best friend Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag," says perennial hero Sonic the Hedgehog to Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag while Tails looks in through the window and sobs.

"Brrlrbrlgbll," says Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag.

"Whoa, what's that you say?!" the hedgehog shrieks in response. "Whoa! Ro-BUTT-nik's about to attack Satation I mean Station Square? We'd better go stop him, buddy, or else he might collect all the Chaos Emeralds, and then I wouldn't be able to collect all the Chaos Emeralds, which is like the point of the Sonic Adventure games if I vaguely remember!"

So! They go to stop him! Very quickly! Because that's what Sonic does: he quicks! Thirteen gallons of liquid cheese in a garbage bag can't even slow him down because he is so good at quickly! And when they get there! Robotnik is also there! And he's attacking the Statition I mean Station Square ! ! It's like he's punching the ground or something. I'm not really sure what it means to be attacking a place like he's doing so I guess he's just punching the ground. Maybe with, like, a giant robot fist or something. Yeah that seems more on brand.

"You're too late to stop me, Sonic!" shouts Eggman over the sound of his fisting Station Square. "You AND your new friend, who's quite handsome I might add. If I were into furries I'd be all over that like a rabid raccoon on a garbage bag full of thirteen gallons of liquid cheese. But I'm not into furries so I wouldn't be. Although now that I mentioned that, maybe I'm questioning whether or not I would. Maybe. Maybe I am finding a lot of new things about myself today." Unfortunately he stopped shouting like halfway through that paragraph, so no one could hear his horny ramblings! !

"What did you say?!" Sonic shouts. "We couldn't hear you!"

"What?! I can't hear you!" Eggman shouts.

"Never mind! Me and my new best friend Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag are here to stop you with the power of friendship! Take it away, Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag!"

"Brlrlrlgllhllbll," says Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag.

"Y-you're right, Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag," says Eggman, hanging his head. "My futile attempts to control my own reality do reflect the meaningless of my existence. Now that I see this truth, I... I don't have anything left to live for!" Then he punches himself with his giant robot fist, his skull shattering and spraying brain pulp all over the pavement.

"Hey, what the fuck," says Sonic. "That was way past uncool, Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag. We are not about getting our enemies to commit suicide here at Sonic Team."

And Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag just stares. Stares blankly at Sonic. He stares blankly into space as he's carted off to the dumpster by the hedgehog. And that's how Thirteen Gallons of Liquid Cheese the Garbage Bag became everyone's favorite Sonic the Hedgehog character! He lives in the garbage dump now! Yay!