Daryl

"I know this is insane, but this is an insane world. We gotta come for them, before they come for us." Rick pauses and looks at all of us. "We can do this."

As far as speeches go, Rick's done better. Still, the Alexandrians don't know that. They hang on his every word. All scared. They ain't never had t' protect their home b'fore. Seein' the quarry for themselves yesterday seemed to wake 'em up. Or like Merle used t' say it lit a fire up their ass. You could see it in their eyes. Each one with a collective oh shit look on their faces as soon as they saw the horde. No one questioned Rick after that. They were willin' t' do whatever they had to, to keep their families safe, to keep Alexandria safe. I glance around as everyone bobs their heads in agreement.

Rick tells everyone t' take their places. Most of the people line the road with their guns and flares at the ready. Sasha and Abraham hop in the car and go t' the red checkpoint where they will join me and the herd. I start up my bike while Tobin gets in one of the semis. Rick gives him the signal and he moves the semi back just a lil' bit but it's enough t' open the floodgates. Tobin gets out of the other side and runs t' Rick.

I rev my bike and get the walkers attention on me. The sound draws 'em. Here we go. I drive slowly, no more than 20 mph at any given time. My adrenaline is high and movin' so slow is torture. My mind is racin' to compensate for the slow ride. I think 'bout what I'm doin' right this second. Rick was right, this is insane. I think 'bout all the things that could go wrong. I could get a flat tire. My bike could stall. Sasha and Abraham could get in a wreck on the way to the red checkpoint and I have t' do this alone. My head spins with all the possible worst case scenarios. It does no good 'cept make me even more nervous.

I try t' focus on somethin' else. Anythin' else. My thoughts venture t' Beth like they always do when I need some peace a'mind. I hear her sweet voice singin' t' me about parties, candy and gettin' married. The memory of this mornin' floods into my mind. Her voice like an angel, makin' my chest ache with every word. Then she sang the chorus and I felt my chest tighten even more. If I didn't know better, I'da thought I was havin' a heart attack but the yearnin' I felt told me that wasn't the case. I wanted t' do everythin' she sang in the song. Gettin' married under the stars with it bein' just us… it sounded pretty perfect to me.

I thought she wanted to wait which is what my dumbass said in response t' the song. I hadn't mentioned it anymore 'cause I figured she'd let me know when it was time. But I can't say I haven't wanted to talk about it, especially lately. Especially after Tobin called her my wife by accident one day when we was out workin' on a barricade. I corrected him and told him we wasn't married yet. He gave me a funny look and asked me why not. I didn't have an answer for him. I know what we said but things have been goin' real good and I know what I want. I know she does too and it got me thinin'... what the hell we waitin' for?

I'm glad she said somethin' t' me this mornin'. I jus' wish I would've said somethin' else… somethin' more. Somethin' to tell her, that sounds great. Or at least somethin' that would've told her, I'd like that, I want ya forever, Evergreene. But no my dumbass was so shocked, I could barely string together a halfway decent sentence. Then Rick called for us and the moment was gone. She has t' know how I feel though, right? I'd like to think I've let her know as best as I can but I also know I ain't the best at sayin' how I feel. Talkin' ain't my strong suit. My default is to act on my feelin's rather than talk 'bout 'em. Have I shown her enough how I feel?

I get t' the red checkpoint and Abe and Sasha start drivin' along side me. We lead them to the barricade site marked with orange balloons (the corner of Marshall and Redding). Rick and Michonne stand behind the barricade shootin' flares in the direction we are turnin', herdin' the horde like sheep dogs. This is the site Beth and I worked the most on with the others. It's where I got the balls t' tell Rick that I think we should still keep lookin' fer people. Later that same day, Beth said she heard me tellin' Rick my opinion and she was proud of me. Ain't no one ever been proud of me before. Pride swole in my chest at her words. It made wanna keep makin' her proud. Before, I was so used to bein' a disappointment to everyone 'round me. To know she don't think that is… nice. I don't know… in a way I feel honored. She deserves someone she can be proud of. I swore t' myself that day that I'd do my best every damn day t' keep makin' her proud.

The sound of a car door openin' draws me back to the present. I look over my shoulder t' see Abe start goin' off on a few stragglers. He looks crazed. It ain't the first time I've seen him like this. He and Sasha both seemed to have a weird bloodlust. Like a tweaker chasin' a high to feel… alive or somethin'. That's why Beth called them the suicide squad. They way they act it's like they are beggin' to get bit or die. Whichever comes first. After a few minutes, Abe gets back in the car, grinnin' like an idiotic asshole.

We pass the yellow checkpoint and now it's just 20 more miles and we are in the clear. I hear over the radio that Carter got bit in the face and that Rick took care of him. Then a few minutes later I hear a deep hum over the radio. I ain't sure what it is but my gut tells me it ain't good. Then I hear gunshots. Shit.

I hold the button down my radio that's strapped t' my shoulder. "Rick!

Rick's gruff voice replies. "I'm here."

"What's goin' on back there?" I have t' yell 'cause the damn bike and herd are so loud.

"Half of them broke off. They're headed towards Alexandria."

His words knock the breath outta me. Beth.

Abe radios next. "Towards you?"

Rick gasps. "We ran ahead. There's a horn or something. Loud, coming from the east. It's not stopping."

"Imma gas it up. Turn back." I say. What my mind is screamin' is I gotta get to Beth.

"We have it. You keep going." Rick demands.

I shake my head 'cause I don't like that answer. "They're gonna need our help."

It's true. Damn bunch of inside cats. Beth and the others from our group can only do so much. Plus the whole damn reason I insisted she stay back was t' be safe. Now she ain't.

Rick argues. "You gotta keep the herd moving."

"Not if it's going down, we don't." I say back quickly.

"The rest of that herd turns around, the bad back there gets worse." Rick spits out.

Shit. He's got a point. If I turn back, I could bring the rest of the herd back with me. I'd be puttin' them in more danger. Puttin' Beth in more danger.

"Daryl?" Rick says panicked.

I respond. "Yeah I heard ya."

Reluctantly, I keep goin'. Leadin' this deadly damn parade further away from our home. Away from Beth. A million different scenarios run through my mind on how to best get the herd where they need to be and how to get me back to Alexandria, where I need to be. I survey our surroundings. We ain't gone very far past yellow. Maybe 3 or 4 miles. That ain't enough.

If I could get us to five miles out that should be good enough, right? Twenty miles is overkill. An extra safety precaution. It ain't a necessity. We can do both. We've lead them five miles out. The herd can do the rest and we can go home and help. We can do it.

Makin' up my mind, I fall back to get beside the car. "Hey, we gone five miles out yet?" I ask Abraham through the passenger window.

He shrugs. "Give or take some yardage. There a reason you asking?"

"The next intersection we're gonna spin around and go back." I say in my best authoritative voice.

Sasha looks at me like I'm insane. Hell maybe I am. I just know I need to get to Beth. "The plan is to go 15 more."

"Yeah I'm gonna change that. Five's gonna have t' work." I yell back. I try to say it like I aint givin' them a choice, hopin' they'll go along with it.

'Course they don't. "The magic number is 20. That's the mission." Abe says. "That's making sure they're munching off of infirm raccoons the rest of their undead lives instead of any of us."

My face must show that I'm not likin' how this conversation is goin' because Sasha adds. "You want to go. We can't stop you. But without you they could stop us."

I don't wanna leave them to take on the herd themselves. Anything could go wrong. Hell something's already gone wrong. If I leave them and somethin' happened to them, their blood would be on my hands. I consider just tryin' to suck it up and go at least another five miles before I try t' convince 'em again. I could do that.

I see a billboard for Alexandria. It says: the start of sustainability.

The life I want with Beth flashes before my eyes. Beth in a white dress, makin' love t' her, watchin' Lil' Asskicker and our unborn niece or nephew grow up, Beth with a big pregnant belly, kids with wavy blonde hair and blue eyes callin' me Daddy and her Mommy, us grey on the porch sittin' in rockin' chairs watchin' the sun go down. I want all that.

That's a real stupid fantasy baby brother.

A picture of Beth cryin' on the porch of the moonshiner's shack comes to mind. Her wipin' away her tears. That's how incredibly stupid I am.

I told her then that her dream for the prison was how it's supposed to be. I meant it. We could've had that life at the prison if the Governor hadn't ripped it away from us. That's the kinda life we all wanted t' have there. We finally have a place where all that could happen now. And we gotta protect that place no matter what.

I ain't usually one t' leave anyone behind. Sasha and Abe are my family. But the people back at Alexandria… Aaron, Eric, Carol, Maggie, Lil' Asskicker, Carl, Beth… they're my family too. And Rick, Michonne and Glenn are somewhere in between racin' to get back. They need our help. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowin' I could've done somethin' to help protect them.

I gotta get back.

"Nah, I got faith in ya." I say then speed off. I can hear them holler at me as I drive away, leavin' them. I really do think they can go the rest of the 15 miles without me. They don't need me. Alexandria does. Beth does.

I put as much distance as I can between me and the herd so they won't follow me and follow the car instead. As soon as I am in the clear, I start t' feel guilty. I second guess myself. I did do the right thing… right? I left my post. I went against Rick's wishes. He ain't steered us wrong yet. Who do I think I am callin' an audible and goin' off book? But Rick ain't always right. He's made some questionable calls before. He always tries t' do what he thinks is best. Jus' like I'm doin' now. I don't know what's right or what's wrong. Maybe there ain't a right or wrong answer to all this. All I know is Alexandria is in trouble and I gotta help.

Rick's voice sounds over the radio. He says he's in position and calls for Glenn. No answer. Then he calls Tobin. Again no answer. "Daryl?" His voice, desperate.

"I'm here."

I can almost see Rick sigh in relief before he speaks again. "Won't be long now. They're almost here. I'll get them going your way again."

Sasha's voice is smooth and venomous when she says, "You hear that Daryl? He's gonna be coming our way."

She didn't tell Rick I left outright but she told him. I know he can interpret that murderous tone in her voice and understand that it means I took off. The thought of disappointin' Rick is like takin' a punch t' the gut. I don't like it but I can live with it.

"There's gunfire coming from back home. We gotta sit with it and hope they can handle it. I think they can. They have to. We keep going forward for them. Can't turn back 'cause we're afraid."

Beth's the only other person who's ever called me out for being afraid. Then, I yelled into her face that I wasn't afraid of nothin'. This time though, I stay quiet.

Abe's voice sounds. "We ain't afraid."

"This is for them." Rick says. "Going back now, before it's done, that'd be for us." He pauses for a beat. "The herd has to be almost here."

Am I doin' this for me? I don't think so. But maybe I am. Maybe he's right. Am I doin' this 'cause I'm afraid? I can't deny that I'm afraid right now. I'm terrified… of losin' Beth, our home. I hate losin' people. I always have. But never in my life have I been so afraid of losin' her.

We gotta hope they can handle it. Rick's words bounce 'round in my head. Hope. I used t' couldn't see hope. Everythin' in my life had been so hopeless. Then the turn happened. I started t' hope. Then we lost the prison and what little hope I had was squahsed. It went up in flames with the prison. It was Beth who taught me how to hope again and have faith.

I hear gunshots over the walkie. "Rick!" He don't answer. "Rick!"

I slow my bike down and stop in the middle of the road. Shit, now Rick is in trouble? What the hell am I supposed t' do now? Go back to Alexandria, help Rick, or go back and keep leadin' the herd away? I let out a deep sigh. I don't know what to do.

I hear a voice that sounds a lot like Hershel. We all got jobs to do.

I nod. He's right. I gotta job to do. Rick's a big boy he can handle himself. Beth is strong and the others have got Alexandria. And I got the herd. I speed off nearly going 100 mph to meet Sasha and Abraham at the next intersection. We all got jobs to do.