Katniss' POV
I lay in Peeta's arms, my fiancée's arms. That thought still feels so strange to me even as I say it inside my own head but it's the truth. Peeta is now my fiancé and I lay in his arms as the train moves us closer and closer to our home. I just look up at the ceiling and think about how different things use to be before the games. I almost feel like I shouldn't even try and cling onto the past, what good would that even do me now? Nothing can change, nothing can ever be like it was before. We are victors now, we are getting married, and our lives belong to the Capitol now.
I try not to move too much, Peeta's arm lays underneath my head and I don't want to wake him, but I can't just lay in this bed anymore. I need to get up. I move out of Peeta's warm embrace and walk around the room to the window. I look out and think about everything that has happened in the last few weeks. The victory tour was a lot to take, from having to face all the families of the tributes that died so we could win, and even harder to face the families of those we killed. Seeing Rue's family was the hardest, I saw the family that raised a beautiful little girl only to have her taken from them too soon. It was difficult to see how much her siblings looked like her. It hurt to see that innocence again and know there was nothing I could do to save Rue. The most constant thought in my head always seems to be that I should have just taken those nightlock berries to make all these intrusive thoughts in my head just be quiet once and for all. When I close my eyes I can still see the pain in her mother's eyes when I talked about how sorry I was that I couldn't protect her. My apology and grief was for not, yet another wasted emotion as things quickly got out of hand. There is no room for free speech when you belong to the capital, I learned that the hard way when I finally said what I really believed and I watched as yet another innocent person lost their lives right in front of my eyes.
Snow warning me before the tour should have been an indication that this was so much bigger than just a few berries and the deaths of innocent children. The riots in the districts are just the beginning. It was after watching an innocent man being shot dead in cold blood that I knew the games were never really over, it was just no longer as simple as the area. I had to be smarter, there is no second chances to cheat death. I now read the cards Effie wrote for us and played nice for the camera, I smiled and pretended it didn't scare me to the core when a little girl handed me a flower telling me when she was old enough she would volunteer like I did.
Getting engaged was my idea, Haymitch told me that I was going to have to love him for the rest of my life anyway. Every year at the reaping the public would be reminded of our love story and how the fate of the games brought us together. It was only right to make it official, maybe that would even please Snow. I look down at my engagement ring and admire its beauty. I feel warmth wash over me when I remember Peeta picked it out himself. It still has been really hard to sort through my feelings for Peeta, I don't know if it is love or just survival that bonded us together but I know he truly cares for me deeply and I am reminded of that every time I look at the ring. After our engagement was televised he asked me about a million times if I liked it. He was still rightfully upset about my confession to him that I was putting on a show in the arena that all the love stuff wasn't 100% my motives for doing what I did. I know it was cruel but I truthfully care about him too much to not be honest with him. When it came to the ring I told him I loved it and meant it. I hoped that would be enough for him for then. After I brought up the idea of marriage he wanted to be alone for a while, I was confused at first because I thought this was what he had wanted all along, Haymitch told me he wanted it more than anything, but not in this way. Haymitch's voice still rings in my ears when he told me I could live a thousand lives and never deserve him. I know he was right about that too. I am so lost in thought I almost don't hear Peeta wake up. "Katniss?" He calls out into the room, I turn to look back at the giant Capitol sized bed, it is entirely too big on its own but I can't ignore how small Peeta looks in it laying alone.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" I say to him as I watch Peeta shimmy out of the sheets to now stand at the foot of the bed just a few feet away from me. Things have been a little weird between us lately, this fake engagement has taken a toll on him that he won't care to admit. I think he is worried I am unhappy, and that almost makes it worse. He runs his hands though his already slightly messy hair.
"No, you didn't wake me" His voice sounds timid almost, it's a strange thing to cling to someone for comfort for hours on end but then be utterly too embarrassed to even speak to them. This is not the life I wanted for my boy with the bread.
"Was it a nightmare then?" I ask with concern, I didn't hear him thrashing or calling out but I still feel guilty if he woke up without me there to help him face our shared demons. Nightmares have plagued both of us since our return from the arena, it was the worst when I was home. The bigger room made everything feel so cold and empty, anything could be hiding in the shadows. I could only get back to sleep after going into Prim's room to make sure she was safe. Being so close to Peeta again made it hard for me to hide them from him, my screams woke him and I could only fall back to sleep after he was there to calm me down. His gentle voice in my ear reassuring me that everything was okay, that we were safe. I would just focus on the feeling of his fingers along my tangled hair and think back to how we slept many nights in that cave the exact same way. One night I asked him to stay, I could no longer deny myself that maybe I wasn't in love with him the same way he is in love with me but my body needs him. He seems to be the only one that can calm me down now. He gave me his promise of always and we have been sleeping side by side ever since. It's a comfort that only Peeta can give me, his warmth is what I truly need to survive.
"No, I just noticed you weren't in bed. It's harder to sleep without you" When he says stuff like this it breaks off another part of me, he is too good for me, he doesn't deserve this.
"I'm sorry" I constantly feel like I have to apologize to him, have to tell him how sorry I am that I can't be better, that I can't love him the way he loves me. I hope for his sake that I can love him as much as he loves me one day. He deserves that much out of his marriage.
"It's okay" He gives me a lopsided smile and I hold my hand out for him to take, it's a small gesture but I know I need to make more of an effort. I need to show him that I won't just reserve my affection for the cameras. He takes my hand and wraps his arms around me, we both stare outside the window and watch the districts fly by us as each pull of the train takes us closer and closer to our home.
"Peeta, how come you never wake me whenever you have a nightmare?" I can't help but keep this though inside my head, it always seems like he is the one there to comfort me but I'm never needed to do the same.
"I don't know, it's not like I cry or thrash around or anything that would wake you up" He pauses before he continues with the nest part. "All my nightmares are about losing you" He says it so matter of fact that I swear it sucks all the air out of my body. Hearing him say these things out loud just makes me want to apologize a million times, his whole life now is about being there for me, no matter what, and I can't seem to learn how to do the same for him. "And once I wake up and see your still there, next to me, I can go back to sleep" He continues and it feels like too much. I just want to change the subject now, I want to continue to be in denial about this all.
"Peeta, I'm scared" I say the most brutally honest thing that pops into my head, just anything to change the subject away from how much he loves me. I can't take it anymore.
"What are you scared of?" He says it so innocently, we both know there are plenty of things to be scared about but he wants to know what exactly is plaguing my thoughts at this very second that has me up at all hours of the night.
"I'm scared of the fact that we have to be mentors this year. We have to prepare two kids to die, to become killers, monsters" There is so much anger in these words that I speak so softly. If I say it louder it might destroy me, before it was all inside my head but now that it's out in the open it no longer is so hypothetical. This is also our lives now. He turns me around so I am looking at him.
"Not everyone who goes into the games are monsters" I can see the upmost sincerity in his deep blue eyes. I realize he isn't just saying this for me.
"But the majority are" I still feel frustrated, combative. I will not let this go so easily. He asked and now that it is out there I'll be dammed if we don't have a proper conversation.
"We weren't. We made it out of the games, we did not become monsters" He's right, somehow we were saved, but it was within each other that we found the strength to still be good. We saved each other, but it was still at a cost.
"But how can we train them? We will get to know them and watch as they die" I swear I feel something catch in the back of my throat. Anger, sadness and fear bubble up to the surface with every word I speak.
"There is no guarantee they will die" I want to break down but Peeta won't let me. He is so optimistic when I feel like hope was never something that joined us on our victory tour in the first place.
"Peeta we are from district 12, it's never anyone from district 12" I am pleading with him now, I feel distain that he won't allow me to feel this. That he won't let me deal with this in my own way.
"But it was us, we did it and we can do the best that we can to save them" He is now the one pleading with me now, he wants so badly to keep me on the surface when I feel like I am only seconds away from being pulled under.
"We can't save both, they won't make that mistake again" I cry out this time now, I can feel the tears flowing down my cheeks. I didn't want to cry but I can't help it this time. I'm drowning.
"We can try our best then" Peeta speaks with such confidence and I know he is just trying to comfort me but I wish I could feel his raw emotions as well. I wish he knew he didn't always have to be so strong for me.
"But what if our best isn't good enough?" I still manage to bring him down even harder. If my words were my weapon in the arena it would have killed Peeta. I try and shake that horrible thought from my head. I watched Peeta on the brink of death, that horrible infection on his leg, slowly killing him from the inside out. What the hell is wrong with me? My own fear is not a good enough excuse for me to be having these intrusive thoughts.
"I don't know Katniss, I don't know" He looks defeated almost, as if this conversation has worn him out. I feel really bad all of a sudden, maybe I really did this on purpose. Maybe I wanted to take my anger and frustration out on him on purpose. I start to feel myself coming back up, realizing all the destruction I left in my path. I wasn't the one drowning, I was the one pulling everyone else down.
"I'm sorry" I tell him, and I really mean it. I know I am too consumed with my own depressive thoughts but that doesn't give me permission to treat him so badly. Make him feel bad just because I do.
"Katniss you don't have to apologize" Now he is the one who sounds sorry, like he is taking accountability for my own actions I used against him. It's moments like this when I am yet again reminded how much I will never deserve him.
"I shouldn't have brought it up, we don't have to worry about that now" I am so apologetic but I know the damage is already done. I was selfish, just like always.
"Your right, we do have time" There he goes again, pulling any little bit of hope out of any situation. I know that time is going to be moving so quickly now. We have the wedding to plan, our wedding. It's not only going to be very public but also time consuming. I don't tell him about the other thing I'm afraid of, I have already done enough damage for one night. I still let my mind wonder to the idea of having to sleep without him when we get back to district 12. Maybe it is also my own pride that won't allow me to say the other greatest fear I have right now. It is so miniscule in comparison, having to face the nights by myself scares me just as much as having someone's life in my hands. It sounds pathetic even just thinking about it. I know Peeta is my fiancée and everything but I don't know how my mother would take it if he came over to sleep in my bed with me. I try and make myself think about this in a positive way that I need him there to fall asleep. Isn't that how wives should act? But I won't let myself get away with it that easily, I also think it's just another way I am being selfish. He wants to sleep with me because he loves me, and sometimes it makes me feel like I am just using him in another way.
"Let's go back to bed" I offer, I am still so conflicted about everything, I still feel so guilty about tearing him down when all he tries to do is lift me up. He nods in agreement to my suggestion and we make our way back into bed, he lays down and I snuggle up to him accepting his warm embrace. "Thank you" it's quiet and I don't think he hears me when I say it.
"For what?" He sounds confused that I would have anything to thank him for, it makes me sad.
"Being here" I look up and him and kiss his cheek gently, it's not what he wants but it's enough for now. He smiles and I know it's probably taking everything he has not to kiss me right now. I close my eyes and focus on Peeta's breathing and the slow hum of the train. I push the thought of being a mentor far from my mind that is something to think about for another day.