I do not own Re:Zero or any of the characters.

Tea Party

Ian stared up at the tomb. It wasn't as fancy as he'd expected, or as foreboding. Little more than a pile of stones. He walked inside with the Subaru, and darkness rapidly swallowed him. He reached a hand out, placing it against the wall. He continued to walk, looking around as he did. He couldn't see Subaru, but he could hear his footsteps. He continued to walk, listening to the echoing of their feet hitting the stone floor beginning to overlap. However, after a moment, something seemed off. He stopped, the echoes continuing for a moment before also stopping. As it faded, he was able to count the sets of feet being echoed. One. He turned, looking around, squinting.

"Subaru?" He called out. "Subaru!"

Nothing. He sighed. When Ram had met them outside the house with a message from Roswaal that only Emilia was to enter the tomb, lest they be caught up in the insanity of a Witch, he hadn't known what to expect, but coming from Roswaal, he'd entered anyway just to spite him. Before going in, Subaru had managed to get Garfiel to try his best to explain. Inside the tomb, exclusively at night, some form of trials were conducted, though he didn't know the details, and only those with specific qualifications, which he also didn't know the details of, were allowed to take them. Anyone who couldn't complete them were unable to leave the Sanctuary. Additionally, Garfiel had warned that if he and Subaru went in, being pure-blood humans, they'd end up like Roswaal. So, Ian had flat-out ignored his warning, and Subaru had walked in with him to scout it out for Emilia.

He turned back to the front, reaching out for the wall. Except, there wasn't one. He drew his sword and turned slowly. Nothing, even though he knew he turned several times. He couldn't see the light of the exit, either. He sheathed his sword.

"Fine, then," Ian said. "I guess I'm in your hands, now."

He began to walk forward, expecting to hit a wall, but finding nothing. His footsteps echoed back at him endlessly, but he walked on. Time began to drag by, and the more he walked in that oppressive, all-consuming darkness, the more he felt that he wasn't moving. His footsteps denied the fact, but he had no idea where he was. Finally, he stopped.

"Look, since I'm going to assume that you're a Sin Archbishop with some weird kind of power, if you want to fight me, or talk to me, or whatever, just get it over with. I have better things to do than walk around in a void forever."

Suddenly, the darkness was gone. It was broad daylight all of a sudden, and he found himself in a massive field filled with rolling grasslands. He turned slowly, making it almost all the way around before finding someone else. It was a woman with long, snow-white hair, long, white eyelashes, pale, beautiful skin, an ink-black dress, and a hair clip in the left side of her hair that looked like a black and grey butterfly wing. She was seated in a white lawn chair beside a round, white table under a black and purple umbrella on a white pole. Ian narrowed his eyes, glancing from the woman to the two teacups and the teapot on the table, then back again.

"You're certainly more attractive than the other three Sin Archbishops I've met," Ian said, starting up the hill toward her. "Your Authority's a bit more impressive, too, though I think I'd still give it to Greed in terms of raw power."

"You seem to have the wrong impression of me," the woman said. "I'm not a Sin Archbishop in the cult that worships the Witch of Envy. In fact, it's a little insulting to be mistaken for someone who worships the being that killed me."

Ian raised an eyebrow, sitting across from her. "Echidna, then."

Her smile grew slightly.

"I'm impressed your spirit remains here despite your fate," Ian said. "And that you still have enough power to bring me here. I'm imagining this is all an illusion, right? Or maybe a pocket dimension?"

"In a sense," she said. "Please, drink your tea. I'm interested to be able to talk to someone with a will strong enough to force a curse placed on them to not only be of use, but to evolve into a full Authority."

Ian narrowed his eyes before doing as instructed, but swallowing it in one gulp. It tasted good, but it certainly wasn't tea. He didn't bother to ask what it was, since he was sure this entire dimension they were in was something of an illusion.

"You're very trusting," she said pleasantly.

"Hardly," Ian said. "But if you wanted me dead, there are probably easier ways than making me drink tea in an illusionary dimension."

She hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose. But maybe I enjoy watching my victims die."

"That seems more like a Pride thing, or Wrath," Ian said. "Or Envy. Greed, however, doesn't seem to match that style of killing."

She smiled, sipping her own tea. "So, why have you come here?"

"To spite Roswaal," Ian said simply. "And to ask you a few questions. You are still in possession of at least some form of the Book of Wisdom, are you not?"

Echidna's face split into a knowing grin. "Indeed, I am."

"Then I have questions," Ian said. "But first, what's the price?"

Echidna's eyes glinted with wicked glee, even while regarding him as something slightly amusing, like someone watching a child, or a young pet play. No, it was more than that. It was more like the eyes of someone watching an amusing TV show but it's not funny enough to make you laugh.

"You have a good sense for business," Echidna said. "The price depends on the questions. But before that, tell me how you came to this world, and how you were able to get your curse to evolve."

Ian narrowed his eyes slightly before briefly explaining everything that had happened to him ever since he was summoned. It wasn't a short tale, but he managed to compact it into about a half hour while being descriptive enough for her to understand and without setting off the curse's potentially still-present security measures. Once he was finished, Echidna nodded.

"Interesting," Echidna mused. "To say you exceeded my expectations would be an understatement."

"Well, I'm all tingly knowing you think so highly of me," Ian said, voice dripping with dry sarcasm.

Echidna's smile widened slightly. "So, I believe you had questions?"

"Before that, and without incurring a cost for the answer, did you actually not know about how I gained my ability, or were you testing my honesty?"

Echidna smiled ruefully. "As much as I would like to say that I knew, I honestly wasn't sure how your curse became an Authority. It's a bit humbling to find something so important that I don't know."

"I see," Ian nodded.

Suddenly, the entire world around them was suddenly swallowed by darkness, the sky shattering into oblivion and leaving behind a void of shadows. All that remained were the two of them and the chairs in which they sat. Ian instinctively clung tightly to his chair, bracing himself for it to either vanish, or for her to attack, but neither happened.

Echidna nodded, and just like that, the conversation became all business. "Come now, what would you like to hear about? If it is anything I know, then I would answer to anything. Is it about the Witch of Gluttony, Daphné, who had created beasts differing from God, to save the world from hunger? Is it about the Witch of Lust, Carmilla, who had granted emotion even to those who are not human, to fill the world with love? Is it about the Witch of Wrath, Minerva, who punched and healed every person, out of grief for the world filled with conflicts? Is it about the Witch of Sloth, Sekhmet, who drove the Dragon away, beyond the Great Falls, just to bring peace? Is it about the Witch of Pride, Typhon, who kept on judging the guilty with the innocence and ruthlessness of her youth?"

As she named each, a shadowy, distorted silhouette appeared behind her, their eyes glowing as the only feature of the silhouette. Ian narrowed his eyes slightly. He'd heard that all the witches were evil, but hearing Echidna describe their actions, they sounded like benevolent beings. He was sure her version was skewed from reality and colored by her own status as one such Witch, but it was still a different version of events that he wouldn't be able to overlook again.

"Is it about the Witch of Greed, Echidna, the Incarnation of the Thirst for Knowledge, who remains with her regrets in the world after death, to seek any and every wisdom in the world?" Echidna continued, her tone suddenly self-ridiculing as she pointed to herself, this time no shadow appearing, as she was already present. "Or, the Witch of Envy, who destroyed all of these Witches and made them her food, and turned the rest of the world into her enemy. Is it about her?"

The Witch of Envy, Satella's shadow also appeared, but began to expand, filling the void around them quickly. And then, they were in the grass land again.

"I'm impressed," Echidna said. "You don't seem to be afraid of me."

"I'm terrified," Ian said. "But if you want me to ask a question, you won't kill me. That would be a waste of an opportunity. And I'm not afraid of death. At least, not mine."

Echidna smiled, nodding slowly. "Indeed. When I gave that same speech to your friend, he was so frightened that he could barely breathe. You're different than him."

"I've got a few more screws loose than he does," Ian said. "As for the matter at hand, I'm not interested in any of the Witches. Not directly, at least, as far as I know. Of course, you know that. You already know what I want to ask, don't you?"

"Common courtesy dictates that you ask anyway," Echidna said.

"Fair enough," Ian said. "I'll start off easily. How do you restore the name and memories of someone consumed by the Authority of Gluttony?"

"Those who lost both and fell into a lifeless sleep will wake if the one who ate it dies," Echidna said. "However, if you eat food, can you regurgitate it and have it be in the same state as when you ate it, even months after eating it?"

"I see," Ian said. "So then, the memories and names are gone."

Echidna nodded. "Next question?"

"My next question is, how can I restore Ram's horn?" Ian asked.

Echidna smiled knowingly, a book appearing on the table before her. She held it out to him. "This will guide you to that desire. I made it using my Authority. Consider it a watered-down version of my Book of Wisdom. Anyone besides you who tries to read it will forget anything they learned after they look away."

Ian's eyes narrowed slightly as he accepted the book. "Why bother giving me this? I assume it increases the cost of my questions greatly."

"Indeed it does," Echidna nodded. "For now, though, if you have more questions, feel free to ask them."

Ian considered for a few seconds before shaking his head. "This should be enough."

Echidna nodded. "Then, in that case, let's discuss your price. It'll be something like a contract, if I were to put it in simple terms. Firstly, you're to tell no one about this place. You've already got a contract price like that, so it shouldn't be hard."

Ian nodded, knowing full well she meant his curse.

"Secondly, you will return that book in acceptable condition once you've completed your task," Echidna said. "That sounds like acceptable compensation."

"So it's more like I'm borrowing the book, huh?" Ian asked. "Alright. Deal."

Echidna nodded and raised a hand. "See you then."

A second later, Ian was suddenly swallowed by darkness, only to realize his eyes were closed. He became aware that he was laying in a bed, and that Rem's left hand was holding his right as she usually did when he was injured or they were sleeping in the same bed. However, a second later, he realized that his left hand was being similarly held. He smiled, dragging his eyelids opened.

"What happened?" Ian asked.

"You took a single step into the tomb, screamed like a girl, and fainted," Ram's voice summarized harshly from Ian's left side.

"Miss Emilia said that it happened to both you and Subaru, and that both of you began to convulse after you collapsed," Rem said, voice even but strained with worry.

"Full seizure, huh?" Ian mused. "I'm alright now, at least, I assume there's no damage."

Rem shook her head. "No lasting injuries, no. You sprained an ankle when you fell, but I healed it."

Ian nodded. "Well, aside from making a fool of myself, did anything else happen?"

"Garfiel ran out of patience trying to wait to get you alone," Rem said.

"What do you mean?" Ian asked.

"He can smell Witch Miasma," Rem said.

"I see," Ian said. "Well, that's a problem I'll have to deal with later. Is he still alive?"

"We didn't kill him," Rem said. "Just forced him to delay his attempts to attack you."

"Okay," Ian nodded. "Now, for the less pleasant topic. How's the clown?"

"Lord Roswaal is able to walk around a bit now," Ram said. "And I would appreciate it if you would not refer to him in such a disrespectful manner."

Ian sighed. "Sorry. You're right."

Ram nodded. "I should get back to him. I will inform the others that you have woken."

"Ram," Ian said before she could leave. "Thanks for looking after me, too. I really appreciate it."

Ram nodded. "You are welcome."

Then, she left and Ian turned to Rem, who leaned down, kissing him.

"Think you can get Roswaal out of that house for a few minutes?" Ian asked.

Rem nodded. "I can try. But please don't do anything liable to get you in trouble."

"I'll promise to do my best to avoid trouble," Ian said. "I can't promise to succeed."

Rem nodded and stood, Ian climbing out of the bed. However, just as he did, his hand slipped under the pillow and hit something that felt suspiciously like a book. He moved the pillow out of the way, staring at the book Echidna had given him. Rem stared at it in surprise.

"Where did you get that?" Rem asked.

"I'm not sure," Ian lied, picking it up and stuffing it into his sack of spare clothes. "Similarly to how I'm not sure how I know things before they happen."

Rem's eyes widened a little before she nodded. "Then I won't ask. Just promise me you'll be careful, and that you won't change who you are because of it."

"You have my word," Ian said.

Rem smiled and nodded, holding out his sword belt. "Let's go and see Roswaal, shall we?"

Ian smiled and nodded. They headed to the house and Ian hid himself in the shadows while Rem went to distract Roswaal. After finishing healing his legs, she convinced him to go for a short walk to check her work, promising to accept punishment if her healing didn't hold up, and to treat any pain as necessary. After a moment, the twins left with Roswaal and Ian slipped into the house, allowing the door to close behind him. He looked around before beginning his search, skipping backward every ninth second. Finally, he found it and sat in the same chair Garfiel had seated himself in during their earlier discussion. He smirked.

"So, only read using exclusively preceding memories, huh?" Ian asked. "Let's see about that."

Roswaal opened the door and stepped through, only to stop, Rem and Ram both peering around him at Ian who was staring at the closed book in his hands, a cold, contemplating, stormy look on his face. Slowly, his eyes rose to meet Roswaal's, a deep, abhorring fire burning deep within them. Roswaal closed the door, sealing the twins outside.

"What are you doing?" Roswaal asked.

"Enjoying an interesting read," Ian said.

Roswaal narrowed his eyes before speaking. "How is it you are alive right now?"

"I'm not actually altogether certain myself," Ian said. "However, I think my Authority might be to blame."

"Your Authority?" Roswaal asked.

"According to Beatrice, my curse grew its own Witch Factor, then matured into an Authority," Ian said. "Based on my use of it so far, I've taken to calling it the Authority of Narcissism. Not really a sin in and of itself, I know, but that's the best name I could think of. I only use it to try and make everything go exactly how I want them to. That could fall under a few of the actual sins, but Narcissism sums it up quite nicely." His eyes dropped to the book in his hands again. "Interestingly enough, that was never supposed to happen. I was supposed to...how did you put it...heroically give my life defending Rem. Except, it doesn't actually say it was Rem, does it? Rem was never a part of the deal. You only ever meant to rescue Ram, but without her horn, you needed a substitute, right?"

Roswaal narrowed his eyes. "How can you remember it?"

"That's simple," Ian said. "I never read it."

"Excuse me?" Roswaal asked.

"I never read it," Ian repeated. "In reality, I only picked up the book about a minute ago, though it felt like hours for me. I can remember reading some. But I never actually opened the book."

Roswaal's eyes narrowed into a glare as he realized what Ian had done.

"I should probably warn you," Ian said. "I'm not going to let you kill the dragon. Not that you'd need to. You don't have to kill it to get its blood." He tossed the book across the room to Roswaal, who caught it with ease in his left hand, still glaring at Ian. "Right. So, this is how this is going to go. You're not going to lie to me anymore. You're not going to manipulate me anymore. If you remain completely honest with me, I'll help you keep things on track according to that book."

"And why would you do that?" Roswaal asked.

"Firstly, because I don't know much about Echidna besides the fact that her power supposedly resides within the Witch of Envy," Ian said, holding up a finger. "I find myself wondering what would happen if Echidna were revived. Would her power return to her?" He held up another finger. "And secondly, because, as I'm sure you noticed, Rem isn't in that book at all, and I'm not supposed to be alive right now. As such, what Rem and I do is of no consequence, unless I convince Subaru to do something that I now know will deviate from that book. I know enough to make things very hard for you, so I have something to bargain with. So, here are my terms. I will help you save Echidna, and in exchange, you will be completely honest with me, you will lend a bit of help to a certain endeavor that you know I want to complete, with regards to a certain someone. And, above all, you will warn me beforehand, starting right now, any time you feel the need to do something that endangers Rem and Ram. So long as you swear on those terms and abide by them, I will refrain from doing something stupid, like, oh, I don't know, telling Rem that you could have stopped the attack on her village but didn't want to, or telling Reinhard that you intend to revive one of the original seven Witches."

Roswaal's glare intensified massively, his aura of power raging over him so thickly that Ian had to actively restrain himself from trembling or showing his fear. Finally, Roswaal spoke through gritted teeth, his aura not fading at all. "Very well. You have my word. I will be honest with you, I will help you complete that endeavor, and I will warn you any time my actions may endanger them."

"Your word alone isn't good enough," Ian said. "Swear it on Echidna's name."

Roswaal's eyes shone with malice. "I swear it on the name of Echidna."

Ian nodded, standing. "Then we've reached a Pact. Be sure not to break your oath. Otherwise...well, how quickly can you cast your spells?"

He passed Roswaal, who fumed silently, and met Rem outside as Ram went to check on Roswaal.

"How'd it go?" Rem asked.

"He's going to be mad at me for a bit," Ian said. "So will Ram, most likely, for making him mad. But if he keeps his promise, it was worth it."

"Promise?" Rem asked.

"Nothing you need to worry about," Ian smiled. "Where'd Subaru and Emilia end up?"

"Subaru hasn't woken yet," Rem said. "When they do, they will likely be going to talk to Lord Roswaal."

"I think I'll skip that one," Ian said. "It'd probably make things unnecessarily difficult. I think I want to just find a place to relax with the love of my life."

Rem's smile all but shone on her face, and she nodded, the two of them heading back to the house Ian had woken in and climbed into bed together, wrapping their arms around each other and settling in to enjoy the peace and quiet together.

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