He could still picture the hurt expression on her face. The way her nostrils flared. The stubborn set of her jaw. The fire that burned in her eyes. How many times had he been the cause of it? They had had the same arguments over and over and over again. A familiar dance that they both knew only too well.
She took the ring off of her finger. "You can have this back."
"Tori-chan - " his voice caught in his throat. "I didn't mean it like that."
She couldn't walk away now. Not on the dawn of the fourth shinobi war. In a few short hours he would have to push this from his mind and step into his role as the commander of the third division. It could be months before they had the opportunity to see each other again. It could be months before they had the opportunity to fix things. The cynical part of him tried not to think how he may never have the opportunity. Then again, maybe he deserved it after all these years. Hadn't he been the one to walk away when she had needed him most?
He felt her push the ring back into the palm of his hand. The cool metal against his clammy hand. He opened it, starring transfixed at the ring he had picked out all those months ago. Two delicate bands of gold weaved in and out of each other, representing their lives intertwined together.
It couldn't be over, could it?
It was a question that he feared the answer to more and more each day. The longer Kotori avoided him and the village, the more Kakashi became convinced that he had pushed her too far this time. He was such an idiot when it came to her. He always had been.
He sighed as he spun the ring on his desk. He rested his chin in the palm of his hand while he watched it wobble and fall to its side with a soft clang. There was so much work to be done and only so many hours in a day. At least it kept him too preoccupied to think of the mess he made of his personal life.
He had collapsed from chakra exhaustion shortly after he and Sakura caught up with Naruto and Sasuke. When he woke up a week later, he had been informed that Kotori, along with most of the regular and ANBU forces, were off hunting the remains of the Zetsu clones. Tsunade had finally had enough and dumped her responsibilities into his lap along with the accursed hat.
Taking over the responsibilities of Hokage couldn't come at a worse or more turbulent time.
The village was in complete chaos. They had lost half of their forces. A good number of their senior leadership team had been targeted and killed during the war. Their village still needed major repairs after the damage Pein had caused. They were struggling with a mental health crisis unlike any Kakashi had ever seen before. And yet there was a tiny, almost impossible glimmer of hope that maybe something good could come out of all of this pain and suffering. The five major villages had joined forces for one common goal and it was the closest to peace and stability they had ever seen. Kakashi was hoping to use the friendships and bonds forged on the battlefield to put an end to the decades of war and tensions once and for all.
However it meant that he couldn't simply chase after Kotori. Something that tormented him every day. He desired nothing more than to see her. The selfish part of him wanted to abandon everything just to be by her side.
The irony that he was now stuck village-bound while she took endless missions was not lost on him. After all, it was what he had done to her all those years ago. He had purposely stayed out of the village, taking mission after mission, knowing she wouldn't be able to find him. Until Yamato had finally forced him to return to Konoha to seek medical attention. By then Kotori had moved on and wouldn't give him the time of day. It was a low point in his life that he really hated thinking about.
Now he found himself in the same position she had been in. He wanted to be mad at her. Hell, he had been mad at her. Perhaps that's why he had let her stay away for so long. Who blows up an engagement the morning of a war and then avoids the village for months on end?
Mostly, he just wanted her to come back home. With the war behind them, he thought they could finally have the chance to do things right this time.
Genma cleared his throat. "Hawk's squad checked in last night with the Commander. It wouldn't be unusual for the Hokage to request a report."
The bitter smile under the mask did not reach his eyes. "I don't think she'll like being summoned to discuss personal business."
Kotori would not like that in the least. He could almost hear her sassy retort ringing in his ears. "Oh, is that an order, Kakashi-sama?"
The truth was that he could have ordered her to come to his office. He could have sent someone after her. He could have blacklisted her from missions. However he doubted abusing his newfound authority would help his situation. If anything, it would make matters worse.
He had thought if he gave her some time and space she would come to him. However clearly that wasn't working.
"Probably not," Genma dryly responded. "Go find her then, it's not like you're getting anything done. I'm sick of your pining."
"She thinks I don't respect her."
The sound of Genma biting down on his senbon never sounded so loud.
"Don't hold back now."
Genma crossed his arms. "She's got a point. Even in ANBU you cherrypicked missions for her. Now she's an ANBU captain and you're undermining her by sending her out on missions beneath her rank."
He bristled at that. He had not assigned any missions to her and had turned a blind eye when she kept taking them.
Genma splayed out his hands. "You respect her as a person and your girlfriend. But you've always looked down on her as a kunoichi."
"She's human, she has limits - "
"Kakashi, she survived two wars and over a decade in ANBU. Give her a little credit."
"I'm not the first Hokage who had to make these decisions. How did Minato-sensei handle it with Kushina?"
"He knocked her up," Genma bluntly replied. "That took her off the active duty list."
Kakashi's lips twitched under the mask. "Not happening at this rate."
"That's why you're so miserable. You know, now that I think about it, I haven't even seen you even open Icha Icha this past week."
"I'm going for a walk." Kakashi really wanted to get away from Genma. Why did he have to have him as a guard again? In fact, why did he even need guards? The thought of his comrades protecting him made him deeply uncomfortable. Kakashi still didn't feel like a Hokage, he felt more like a fraud. He was just filling the role until he could train Naruto to take his place. Or at least, that's what he kept telling himself. The reality was that he would be doing this role for several years, longer than Minato or Tsunade held it.
"For what it's worth, I think you would make a great Hokage." Kotori's words echoed in his mind, pausing him in his tracks. She had had such faith in him. Everyone did. It was why he couldn't let them down.
Kakashi wandered through the empty halls of the Hokage Tower, casually flipping through the well-read pages of Icha Icha without really paying attention to the words. He gave a lazy wave to Koharu and heard the sputtered gasp that it was inappropriate for a Hokage to read such filth.
"Oh?" He gave a bored shrug that he knew would irritate her. "I got this copy from Lord Third's desk. Jiraiya personally signed it for him."
Koharu turned red and walked away, not daring to call his bluff. Kakashi enjoyed messing with them. Koharu and Homura were like cockroaches. They kept escaping unscratched and Kakashi was quite certain he would have to burn the place to the ground - literally and metaphorically - to be rid of them. He wanted nothing more than to bring them to justice, however he feared it would divide the already fractured village. Plenty of the older shinobi still remembered Homura and Koharu as their comrades and were immensely loyal to them. They wouldn't be swayed without hard evidence. So he was still bidding his time, ignoring their council and reducing their power while his team found evidence of their connections to Danzo and the Uchiha massacre. Not to mention all of the other atrocities committed under Lord Third's regime.
Kakashi's feet took him through the secret underground passageway that led to the ANBU quarters. He paused outside the women's locker room, waiting for someone to come out.
"She's not in the locker room, Kakashi-sama."
Yugao was leaning against a wall behind him, her arms crossed as she watched him. There was a slight teasing tone in her voice. The familiar cat mask was clipped to her belt. It was good to see her back in the ANBU uniform. Even better to see the white cloak around her shoulders. A promotion he thought was long overdue and had been happy to give her.
Kakashi closed his eyes in a smile. "I told you before to drop the formalities."
"Well, in that case, idiot, what did you do?" Yugao admonished him.
Kotori's friends had never fully forgiven him for breaking her heart. They were always a little overprotective of her when it came to him. Rightfully so since he had never forgiven himself for it either.
Kakashi lowered his eyes. "I was hoping to fix that. I don't suppose you've talked to her?"
"I ran into her on a mission a few weeks back, she seemed distracted? She wasn't really herself," Yugao admitted. Her brow creased together as she spoke. "I could just tell she was running from something. I thought it was - well, everyone's been a little different since the war, I suppose."
He hadn't really considered that. He had been so sure he was the reason for her reluctance to return to Konoha. The fourth war had a way of forcing everyone to confront their past. The use of reanimated loved ones as opponents had been one of the dirtiest tricks Kakashi had ever seen. Not to mention the dreams everyone had in the Infinite Tsukuyomi. And it was in Kotori's nature to burn herself out, focusing on everything and everyone before she dealt with her personal problems.
He really needed to speak with her. Kakashi resolved he would track her down today. Whatever meetings Shizune had scheduled for him could be rescheduled, he was making Kotori a priority.
"Anyway, I was looking for you for a reason. Yamato ran into Kotori earlier and mentioned getting everyone together for dinner?"
Kakashi perked up at the thought of seeing her. Dinner with friends was a nice, causal setting. It should give him the opportunity to steal her away for a private conversation afterwards. He could kiss Yamato for convincing Kotori to come out.
"I suggested drinks instead." Yugao winked at him. "Rusty Kunai around eight?"
"Nothing too wild," Kakashi tried to warn her.
He wasn't in his twenties any more. The thought of staying late at a bar and then having to wake up early the next morning was not as appealing as it used to be. Come to think of it, it had never been appealing, but Kakashi did it for the company. It had been impossible to say no when Kotori was giving him a bright smile and inviting him out to something. Even in those early ANBU days, he had been completely smitten with her and didn't even realize it. It was more than a decade later and the thought of her could still give him the feeling of butterflies in his chest. Something he thought was just a cliche in Jiraiya's books until it happened to him.
Perhaps if things went well they could slip out early together. He would much rather spend his evening alone with her. If nothing else, he wished he could simply hold her. To fall asleep with his arms wrapped around her. There was a physical ache in his body, a need that burned within him, that would only be soothed by her touch.
Thoughts of Kotori filled his mind and distracted Kakashi for the rest of the day. His mind wandered as he listened to the Head of the Barrier Team give an update on some new security barrier they were erecting this week.
"Kakashi-sama?" Shizune prompted after what must have felt like a lengthy silence.
"Sounds good, I'll have someone test it for weaknesses."
The shinobi looked offended that there could be any weaknesses in the barrier. However given all the security leaks in the past, Kakashi didn't want to be lax.
"Kakashi-sama with all due respect, our barrier team is the best since - "
Kakashi closed his eyes in a smile. "Then I'm sure our expert will find no weaknesses in the barrier."
Kakashi glanced at the clock, realizing it was quarter past eight. He had no idea where the day had gone. Kakashi abruptly stood up, setting the Hokage hat down on the desk.
"Kakashi-sama? Kakashi-sama!" Shizune berated him. "Where are you going? We still have to go over the plan for the new wing on the academy, and you need to do the genin team assignments before Friday's jonin meeting - "
"I'll review the plans in the morning, Shikamaru can assign the genin teams," Kakashi told her. "I have something that requires my attention now."
Shizune frowned, flipping through her clipboard. She liked to have her checklist crossed off before leaving for the night. Most nights Kakashi was willing to stay late, however not this time.
"You've been distracted all day, we haven't gotten half - "
"And I'll be distracted all day tomorrow if I don't do this."
With that, Kakashi took off over the rooftops for the Rusty Kunai. His heart pounding the entire time from nerves. He had mentally rehearsed all day what he wanted to say to her. However he knew the moment he laid eyes on her, all of his carefully planned words would abandon him.
Just give me more one chance, he thought.
He spotted her sitting at the bar with Yamato. Her back was turned to him and she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings. His entire world slowed down, the hum of the room dulling in his ears.
She abruptly stood up, clearly upset by something.
"Kotori - wait!" Yamato said, catching his eye and indicating to do something.
However before Kakashi could make his presence known, she stumbled into him. He reacted immediately, catching her in one fluid motion.
"I've got you," he murmured.
Eyes as deep and green as the forest looked up at him. They were widened with surprise. However she didn't seem angry, which he took as a good sign.
Until her eyes rolled back into her head.
Author's Commentary:
I have a harder time explaining what I want out of Kotori's character development because Kakashi's feels more obvious with his mental trauma and letting people close to him, but I wanted Kotori to grow from being kinda passive and agreeable in her early adulthood to a hell raiser in her late 20s. It's a slow buildup of crap throughout her career/personal life and she gets tired of it and starts standing up for herself more. Right now her response to horrible things is to cry or to silently accept it and then get upset on her own. She thinks of how to respond after the heat of the moment.
I wanted to show that journey because I think it happens to a lot of people as they learn how to stand up for themselves. So we can see throughout the early chapters that she does have a backbone, she's just figuring out how to use it because she's used to following orders without question. Especially against people who are in positions of power over her (captains, commanders, Hokage). Kakashi being in a position of power over her, from the start, put their relationship on unequal footing. I tried to call it out in the narrative and some dialogue to show it wasn't okay. In the same vein, I did try to call out that Kotori cannot fix Kakashi's mental issues aside from offering support, only he can do that. I'm hoping the second half of the story forces them to confront and fix their issues from the first half so that if their relationship were to continue, it's healthier. It's kinda glossed over in this chapter but Kotori did not simply forgive Kakashi. But more on that next chapter!
I have so many thoughts and feelings I could fill another book with author commentary, but I'll try and contain myself and should probably let my story speak for itself.
Thank you all for sticking with me. As always I'm super appreciative of everyone reading or reviewing!