So this was it.
This was his atonement. Kakashi thought seeing his life flash before his eyes would show him all of his worst moments. He thought he would see his father's body, bloody and prone on the floor of his study. He thought he would see Obito and Rin's deaths. He thought he would see Minato and Kushina's bodies after the nine tails attack. He thought he would see Kotori's body, convulsing in pain. And he certainly saw those memories... and more.
He saw Naruto forced to grow up alone, despised by the village Minato had died to protect. He saw Sakura's expression every time he acted disinterested in her training, slowly discouraging her. He saw Sasuke pulling away from the team and growing more and more distant. He saw Gai's worry as he slowly distanced himself from the world. He saw Tenzo's frustration when he said he wasn't going to quietly watch Kakashi kill himself on missions. He saw Kotori's face as he broke her heart and left her to recover on her own.
The memories played like a broken loop inside his mind. Leave it to Itachi to weaponize his own mind against him. Kakashi felt stuck, unable to break free of the cycle.
He had failed them. Those who abandon their comrades are worst than scum. He had abandoned them; perhaps not always physically, but emotionally.
I wish I could make things right.
Once again, he found himself in the hallway outside of Kotori's apartment. A scene that he had relived a hundred times.
"You're a good person," the words were ripped from his mouth despite his protests, trying to stop this moment from happening again. "You could do a lot better than a piece of trash like me."
He turned to walk away once more, prepared to hear her shout after him that she'll never forgive him. Prepared to hear her sobs as she begged him to come back. However this time, her hand grabbed his, gently squeezing it.
He froze, feeling the moment stretch on before him. Had the cycle been broken?
"You've got to wake up, Kakashi. Your kids need you. Gai needs you. Pakkun and the rest of the pack. You have so many people who are rooting for you. I'm here."
Her voice was stronger than the nightmarish hell that Itachi had put him in and for the first time, Kakashi had hope that he might find a way out of it. Kotori was there. Her hand felt like a lifeline, silently pulling him back to reality.
"Tori-chan, I never meant it. I should have never walked away from you that day. I'm so sorry." If nothing else, he needed her to know how sorry he was.
"I'll forgive you," she tearfully told him. "I'll forgive you you stupid idiot but you have to wake up first."
"I'm going to make things right," he quietly promised her. "As soon as I get out of this hell."
xXx
Kakashi didn't respond or wake. She knew he wouldn't. She wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her free hand. It was silly of her.
The door opened and Kotori startled, abruptly removing her hand from Kakashi's as if she had been burnt. It was weird to be caught holding her comatose ex's hand when she had a perfectly loving boyfriend. Kotori felt horribly guilty, as if she betrayed Aoba by her actions.
"Kotori! Oh good, someone found you then," Namiashi Shiori greeted her. She was positively glowing despite the fact that her baby bump was starting to show and she looked dead on her feet. Her frizzy ginger hair was sticking out of the messy bun. "I was surprised too when I checked Kakashi's health directive. But he still has you listed as his power of attorney."
"That has to be a mistake," Kotori pointed out. "We're not exactly on speaking terms these days. He probably forgot to take me off the form. You know what he's like with paperwork."
The smile slid a little from Shiori's face, replaced by something more urgent. Her voice dropped to a hushed whisper. "Kotori, he has no family. If you won't act on his behalf it'll go to the village and you know what the council is like."
Kotori knew full well what they were like. They'd ignore his wishes and do anything to get their precious tool back. Kotori could only imagine the experimental treatments they'd approve. Better an angry ex than Danzo she supposed. At least she wouldn't mine him for body parts.
"Right," she said, nodding her head and plastering a fake smile on her face. "He would totally want his exgirlfriend to make medical decisions for him. Is he on your service?"
"He is." Shiori's brown eyes sparkled. She was a medical ninja who had retrained as a doctor a few years ago.
"Good. Do whatever you think is best and don't hand him off to Eiji-sensei."
"That prick?" Shiori looked offended. "We take care of our own."
Shiori had been the latest addition to their little friend group with her marriage to Raidou. Kotori had only ever been involved because of her past relationship with Kakashi, but once you were part of the group, you were part of the group. They helped each other out and that included Kakashi too.
Shiori started inspecting Kakashi's vitals. "He seems to be resting easier now. Itachi has him trapped in some sort of genjutsu. It was like a nightmare, poor guy, hopefully this means he's starting to fight it on his own. Yumeji-sensei is looking through his clan archives for anything that could help. I'll keep you updated if we want to try anything unorthodox."
Kotori nodded. Kouta's father had combined his knowledge of medical ninjutsu and the mind transfer techniques to specialize in healing the mind. It was a complicated branch of medicine.
"Is it true they're searching for Tsunade-sama?"
"So the rumours say," Shiori admitted. Her expression turned wistful. "It would be incredible to have her back. The things she could do for this hospital - but don't worry. We have the best medical research facilities out of all the Hidden Villages. If anyone can heal Kakashi, it's Konoha."
"Right, well, I'll leave him in your hands. I don't suppose Aoba's back from that mission yet?"
Shiori gave her a teasing grin. "Yes, he got back early this morning. He should be up by now."
Kotori wandered to the developing neighbourhood that the Namiashi had bought a house in. As the village expanded, so did the need for more housing. Konoha was forever trying to encourage shinobi to settle down and start families. So there was a push for more family housing in the quieter areas away from the village centre, but still within the village walls. Aoba was staying with the Namiashi as he lived in the same apartment complex that had been damaged in the fighting.
Aoba opened the door, looking happy to see her. She collapsed into his embrace, enjoying the comfort from it.
"Long day?" He chuckled.
"You have no idea."
For once, Aoba's sunglasses were off, revealing his eyes. They were a gorgeous sky blue. She had read once that eye contact can trigger feelings of love. She willed herself to feel that connection as she starred up at them because she didn't want to be in love with the wrong person.
She didn't feel it. She certainly cared about Aoba. They had become friends during their time as jonin sensei and she enjoyed spending time with him. On paper, they fit well together. However she didn't feel any spark. She didn't feel the tingle of lightning that went down her spine when he looked at her. She didn't feel her heart skip a beat when he took her hand.
"What are you looking at?"
Aoba was a really great guy. He was perfect for her. She wanted to love him, she wanted to make this work. It would be enough, she was sure of it.
"You have really nice eyes," she said instead. She kissed his cheek before following him inside.
The pair of them joined Raidou at the kotatsu in the living room. Aoba sent a clone to get them curry for dinner when no one could be bothered to move. Aoba, Raidou and Genma had been running back to back missions over the last week. No one had spent more than a night in the village at most. While she hadn't seen as much or as strenuous activity as she usually did, her mind felt weary from a full day at ANBU HQ. She closed her eyes as she leaned back into the couch, half-listening as Aoba filled her in on some of the happenings of the village. She was only going to rest her eyes for a minute and didn't plan to stay -
Kotori felt disoriented as she woke up with a start, the room was dark and unfamiliar to her. Her heart was pounding as she sat up, her legs kicking off the sheets. Someone grabbed her arm from behind her and she reacted on instinct, her fist connecting with the person's face with a sickening crack.
"Ow! What the hell?"
Her breathing levelled out as her eyes adjusted. Some sunlight filtered in from the sides of the curtains and she could make out that she was in a guest room. Aoba must have carried her to bed the night before. She hated waking up in unfamiliar places. She only half-slept on missions so she was never as disoriented when she woke. She only slept soundly when she was in the safety of her own home or around people she trusted. It was the only time she could truly let her guard down.
"Sorry," she said with an apologetic wince. "I'm a bit on edge these days. Let me fix that."
She knelt in front of him as she popped his nose back in place, using what little medical ninjutsu she had picked up over the years to heal the break.
"You should have woken me, I didn't mean to fall asleep," she told him.
"You looked pretty beat," Aoba said, gingerly touching his nose once she was done. "Besides, you're always welcome to stay here. Raidou doesn't mind. He said there's plenty of space. I thought we could treat it as a bit of a trial run?"
"Trial run for what?"
Aoba was scratching the back of his head, a blush creeping over his face. "I was thinking of buying one of the new developments going up in this area and thought maybe you'd like to move in with me? There's a section going in next spring. It's a nice neighbourhood, lots of young families. In case, down the road, you know?"
Kotori felt a lump in her chest. It was the life she had always envisioned for herself. She once thought she would marry Kakashi, but since then she buried her hopes for a husband and family down deep. She had been so fearful of falling in love again. Even now she resisted. Aoba was the first person she had been willing to let in and he was willing to give her everything. She could easily picture their lives mapped out from this moment on. He would likely propose before they moved in together. It was old fashioned, but proper in the eyes of the village. They would marry and have two kids. She would retire from active duty, transferring to another department that allowed her to remain in the village while continuing her work. She would be able to pass on her legacy to her children, no longer the only one of her kind. Wasn't it what she had always wanted?
Yet she found herself hesitating. "This seems rather sudden."
Aoba brushed her cheek with his thumb. "It's been on my mind a lot lately. It's okay if you're not ready yet. We have time to figure things out."
"Of course," she quickly agreed, grateful that he had given her an out. "That's several months from now anyway. A lot could change. I'm not ready to give up my place yet, but I don't see why we can't spend more evenings together?"
Which was how Kotori ended up with her own drawer at Aoba's apartment when the repairs were finished on their apartment complex. Her own apartment was in the same building, just one floor above his. It seemed silly to keep an extra set of clothes and toiletries at his place when she could climb the flight of stairs to her own, however it made him happy so she left it alone.
As time went on, Konoha continued to heal its wounds. The village repairs were almost complete and more and more were released from the hospital and able to resume their duties.
However there were those that still remained. The ANBU Commander had yet to recover and rumours were swirling around ANBU about his condition. There were those who believed he would never recover. An invisible, but vocal, fraction started suggesting that he be officially replaced. Kotori thought it was highly suspect that Danzo was being tossed around as a potential new Commander. Those that were loyal to the Sarutobi did their best to silence these rumours and support Hinoki in her duty as Acting ANBU Commander.
Kakashi also remained in a coma. Kotori was periodically given updates, but so far his condition remained unchanged. As the month stretched on, Kotori was faced with a new dilemma. Kakashi's health directive clearly stated that he did not want life sustaining treatment after thirty days with no signs of recovery. That deadline was rapidly approaching.
She stared outside the window of the bleak hospital room. There was a pair of flowers from Sakura and Ino on the windowsill. Kotori had brought a few personal items from Kakashi's apartment, including Icha Icha in case he woke up.
Shiori filled her in on the latest news from Yumeji. "There are signs of brain activity, however the genjutsu is too strong for even the Yamanaka to get through it."
"Is he suffering from the genjutsu?" Kotori asked. If he was suffering then she didn't want to prolong it.
"No."
"We'll wait for Jiraiya-sama and Naruto-kun to return," Kotori tiredly told Shiori. "At the very least, Naruto-kun should get the chance to say goodbye."
She thought Kakashi would prefer that to some arbitrary date anyway. He wouldn't want to deny his students closure should it come to that. She hoped it wouldn't. Kotori was holding out hope that Jiraiya and Naruto would be able to convince Tsunade to return to Konoha with them. It seemed like a long shot, but Kotori had seen Naruto do the impossible time and time again and wanted to have faith in Kakashi's most unpredictable student.
She stayed after Shiori left to continue her rounds. Kotori settled in the plastic visitor's chair next to the bed, filling the silence with one-sided conversation of the happenings of the village. Kakashi never responded, but she had been told it could help him to hear people's voices.
"Asuma has been keeping Sakura-san distracted. He's got her doing D-Ranks with Ino-san," Kotori told him. Sakura had been looking lost without her team and spending too much time at the hospital visiting Sasuke. Kurenai and Asuma decided to intervene for the poor girl's sake. "She seems to be doing better. Aoba sends his apologies about Sasuke-kun. I'm still furious with him. I know he feels bad, but it was so careless."
When she found out Aoba had accidentally blurted out Itachi attacked Kakashi in front of Sasuke, she had ripped into him for his stupidity. She felt horrible for losing her temper seeing how torn up Aoba felt over it. He wasn't malicious and the guilt that the kid was hospitalized was eating at him. Gai had returned with Sasuke, but Itachi had gotten to him first. He had suffered the same fate as his teacher and was in the room next door. Shiori had taken him onto her service as well, arguing with the council that she was already treating Kakashi.
"There's still no word about Naruto-kun. But I'm sure he'll be back soon. Just hang in there, a little longer. You know Naruto-kun better than anyone. How could Tsunade-sama say no to someone like him?"
Kotori twisted her hands in her lap. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon. I was going to sign Mimi-chan out for lunch. If you wake before then I might bring you something back. The food here can be pretty bland."
True to her word, Kotori came back to the hospital the next day to take Mimi to lunch. She did it as often as possible, knowing it did her student wonders to have a change of scenery and food that wasn't from the hospital cafeteria. Mimi was sitting upright in the bed with a young boy sitting in the visitor's chair when Kotori entered the room. His leg was stretched out in front of him in a giant cast and his crutches were leaning against the wall behind him.
The younger girl perked up. "Hey Kotori-sensei! This is Lee. He's in the same physio group as me."
She knew Lee had been the one Gaara had nearly killed in the preliminaries. Kotori supposed he was in the same boat as Mimi, surgeries and physiotherapy as the doctors tried to heal his leg. Both on the verge of having their careers crushed before they had really started.
Lee attempted to stand on his good leg to greet her however Kotori managed to stop him by taking his hand in a handshake instead, sparing the boy the unnecessary courtesies.
"Mimi speaks most highly of you," Lee told her. "It is an honour to make your acquaintance."
"Thank you, it's a pleasure to meet you as well, Lee-kun."
She was grateful Mimi had made a friend while in the hospital. As much as Kotori and the boys tried to visit her, everyone was swamped with missions. She smiled as she saw a fresh purple flower and a Get Well Soon card from Hinata sitting in a place of prominence on the windowsill.
"We were about to go to lunch if you would like to join us." Kotori figured it would do Lee some good to get out of here as well.
However, before he could respond, they were interrupted by the door swinging open with a loud bang. A woman with her blonde hair pulled back in a pair of pigtails and a green haori with the kanji for gamble on the back of it confidently strolled into the room. Kotori couldn't place her age for the life of her. Her face was youthful, no older than mid-thirties, but her eyes seemed so much older.
Naruto bounced up and down beside her as she examined both Lee and Mimi, leaving no doubt in her mind that this was the legendary Tsunade. Her hands glowed with medical green ninjutsu as she worked. Gai anxiously hovered in the doorway along with a young woman with short black hair.
"Well? Do you think you can fix my friends?" Naruto impatiently demanded.
Lady Tsunade gave a confident smirk. "I already did."
Kotori was stunned. She had heard stories of Lady Tsunade's skill, but to see it was something else entirely. It had taken her minutes to do what an entire hospital could not accomplish in months.
The atmosphere of the room was jubilant as the kids tested the limits of their regained mobility. Mimi's immediate response was to jump Kotori in a bone crushing hug. Kotori laughed, spinning the girl in her excitement.
"If you don't let go, I'll be the one needing to be healed next."
"Sorry Sensei!" Mimi laughed, letting go of her.
Naruto was sitting on the bed with a smile as bright as the sun as he watched them. He was sunshine personified. Kotori couldn't help but ruffle the boy's hair.
"Do I know you? You look familiar." He scrunched up his blue eyes at her. Kotori supposed he didn't really remember the kunoichi who had taken him to lunch all those years ago.
"No, you wouldn't. I was a jonin leader for a group older than yours."
"Oh. Do you know Kakashi-sensei then?"
Kotori's lips twitched as she dryly responded, "We've met a few times."
"Granny fixed him hours ago but he's so lazy. He probably fell back asleep!" Naruto complained.
Relief flooded her chest at the confirmation that Tsunade had been able to heal Kakashi as easily as she had healed Lee and Mimi. The urge to see him with her own eyes hit her. "Well, you should probably go wake him up again."
She allowed Naruto to take the lead, following him out of the room at a relaxed pace. Only to see Kakashi at the other end of the hallway. He looked thoroughly disgruntled, his silver hair sticking up in every direction, as if he had been waken from a nap before he intended. Sakura and Sasuke were with him, Sakura's voice carrying down the hall.
"Shouldn't you wait for your doctor to release you?"
Kakashi closed his eye into a semblance of a smile as he patted her head."Now Sakura, I'm perfectly fine, see?"
"I'm not worried about you," Sakura scowled at Kakashi. Her eyes softened as she looked towards her other teammate. "Sasuke-kun, how are you feeling?"
Naruto called out to his teammates, bouncing over towards them. "Hey! Wait up!"
Kakashi's head automatically turned towards his more boisterous student, only to make eye contact with her. His eye widened for only a second, as if surprised to see her. However in that single second, Kotori felt a familiar spark of lighting run down her spine, leaving every one of her nerve endings tingling. He lifted his hand in a lazy wave, his eye disappearing as it arched into a smile.
"We were just going to get lunch," Kotori spoke without thinking. "Why don't you all join us? A little celebration?"
Naruto's fist shot up in the air. "And I know just the place!"
That was how the eight of them found themselves cramped in the tiny ramen stand, Ichiraku.
"Thank you for the meal," Kotori politely chimed in before digging into her chicken shoyu ramen.
She watched as Naruto and Lee egged each other on, competing over who could eat the most ramen. Naruto ended up winning that competition, although Kotori supposed he had years of practice. Not to be outdone, Mimi managed to tie with Lee for second place, the two of them coming in two bowls short of Naruto's total. Kotori had watched them, a bit amused as she slowly ate her one bowl. Until it came time for the bill and she picked up the tab. The number on the piece of paper was less amusing. Well, at least ANBU pay was generous and she had been putting in a lot of overtime.
"Here, I'll cover it, they're my problem anyway - " Kakashi immediately offered.
"No, no, I've got it. You just got out of the hospital. Relax."
"Wow, Kakashi-sensei, you sure you don't need Granny to take another look at your head? Since when do you ever pay the bill?" Naruto pestered him.
Kakashi waved him off. "It's impolite to let a lady - "
"That's not what you said about Kurenai-sensei," Sakura pointed out.
Kakashi went bright red at being called out by his students. Kotori held back a snicker as she paid Ayame and thanked her for the meal. She gave Mimi a hug as she bid her and the others goodnight. She could hear Kakashi silently shuffling along behind her, as if it were a coincidence they were headed in the same direction.
"Kotori, about the hospital - " He was scratching the back of his head.
Kotori cut him off before he could continue. A sudden fear that he had been able to hear her every word while she sat next to him in the hospital. Every tearful confession or promise.
"You should really update your power of attorney. To Gai or Kurenai or someone."
"And why would I do that?"
"Because," she sweetly replied, "the next time Shiori asks me what to do, I'll tell her to smother you with a pillow."
"Don't threaten me with a good time." His eye closed in that infuriating little smile.
She was annoyed at how easily they fell back into friendly banter. Almost as if no time had passed. All that time worrying over him and visiting his bedside must have softened her.
"Goodbye Kakashi," she pointedly said.
She had chosen to forgive him, but that didn't mean she wanted to go back to the way things were. Just a new normal, one where they could be comrades and maybe even friends.