A/N: The original plot, characters, and some dialogue is from the tv show. Other parts of the dialogue are borrowed or derived from lyrics of the song "Don't Want to Live Forever", by Zayn & Taylor Swift. No infringement intended. I love and respect the show and song writers. The twists are all mine. Hope you enjoy!
Bellarke Songfic
Chapter 4: I DON'T WANNA LIVE FOREVER
... ...
(Bellamy POV)
Before traveling to Earth, I never gave the planet a single thought. That was why I marveled at all the sketches covering the walls and floors of Clarke's old cell. She hadn't just envisioned Earth, but she had perfectly drawn the entire scenery of its landscape. Clarke captured the shading in the trees flawlessly, despite not knowing that she'd get the chance to see it.
I began visiting Clarke's cell almost as soon as we got to The Ring. That cell helped me feel connected to her, and it wasn't long before I started talking to her even if she wasn't there to listen. It started as a way to cope with losing her, then it became a routine for me. I depended on it. Clarke was a part of me; one that I would never let go of. My solo conversations in her old cell were the only outlet I had for the feelings I would always carry but could never again share with her.
"Been sitting, eyes wide open inside these four walls, hoping you'd call. Despite the passing years, I keep hoping you're alive somehow and wishing to hear from you. But I have also grown to hate the part of me that wishes and hopes for the impossible. This is just a cruel existence when there's no point hoping at all. I feel crazy, Clarke. I'm up all night and every day hoping you'll give me something. Anything. But I'm alone and you say nothing at all. What is happening to me?"
"Hey, Bell. It's dinner time." Raven's voice called from the doorway.
I got up silently and walked towards her. It hurt to see the sadness on Raven's face when she looked at me. I shook my head, hoping to dissuade her from telling me the same thing she always said when she found me in Clarke's cell. Of course, Raven could never be deterred.
"She might be okay, Bellamy. She had the night blood. And aside from you, Clarke was the strongest and most resilient person I've ever met." Raven told me with a tentative smile.
I forced my face to smile back, but it probably came out as a grimace. Was. Raven used the word 'was' when referring to Clarke. They all did. None of them seemed conscious of it when they did it anymore. But every time they did, I felt a piece of my heart crack. I forced myself to accept Clarke's death. It took years for me to do it, but I still wasn't any closer to getting over her. I shook the thought away and followed Raven out of Clarke's cold and darkened cell.
"Any luck with the radios?" I asked. I knew that if Raven had made any breakthroughs, I would have been the first to know. But I asked anyway, wanting to shift her focus away from myself.
"I picked up some static again a little while ago. It sounded a bit clearer than last week, but other than that, nothing." Raven answered as we neared the window that faced Earth … or what was left of it.
"I'll always be grateful that she saved us again." Raven told me, not for the first time. "But I still hate that we've had to do all this without her." She lamented and I nodded because I felt that way too.
"We had to, or she'd have died in vain. We couldn't let that happen. Are you still with me?" I asked, using words that had become our mantra.
"Always." Raven said resolutely.
"These years have been hard on us all, especially because we only planned on being here for five. I know that Clarke is …" I paused when I couldn't make myself say 'gone', much less 'dead'. I skipped the words in order to continue. "But I still need to get back to Octavia. If everyone in the bunker is still …" I had to skip the word 'alive' that time. I had refused any alternative. "She was expecting us years ago."
Raven understood why there were words I couldn't say, and she accepted that about me. I was grateful for our friendship and how deeply it had grown. In fact, all of us on the Ring had bonded and became a family. Emori and Echo integrated well within our group and adapted to space better than expected. Surprisingly, Murphy had the hardest time adjusting to certain things, but we accepted him. We didn't understand the depth of his feelings, but we cared for him anyway.
"I made a breakthrough with Monty on manufacturing synthetic fuel. It's nowhere near ready ... but it might be within a year or so. In the meantime, you know I'll continue to work on the radios so we might contact the bunker." Raven assured me, and I nodded, already knowing she would.
"Synthetic fuel?" I asked with a smirk.
"Yeah. A while back, Monty and I were sharing old stories. He told me about a time when he and Jasper kept burping and passing gas after a particular concoction. Anyway, that got us going on some ideas and well ... we're on to something." Raven sounded excited, which was promising.
I had been a pessimist for most of the time since we got to the Ring. It was hard to feel enthusiastic, but I still smiled. I was too afraid to get hopeful, but I wouldn't bring her down.
... ...
(Clarke POV)
"Hi, Bell. It's me again. It's been 4,467 days since you left. I don't know why I still pull this radio out and talk to you every day. I guess I just can't seem to stop myself. I'm sitting eyes wide open; I got one thing stuck in my mind. I'm wondering if I dodged a bullet when I was left behind or lost the love of my life." My voice cracked as I stubbornly wiped away the tears that fell. I had to change the subject.
"We managed to break some of the bigger pieces and removed a lot of rubble from above the bunker in Polis last week. I'm thinking we'll head back next week. Even if I've had some help, it's been very slow going for different reasons. I can't get out there as often because we're also preparing for winter here in Eden." I told him with a sad smile before continuing my one-sided conversation.
"Baby, I feel crazy. I'm up all night and every day. I gave you something." I said into the radio as I looked towards the not-so-small anymore person laid out beside me. "I call every day, hoping to hear from you, but you give me nothing. It's been safe for years, Bell." My throat tightened. "But even after all this time, I refuse to believe you're not alive. What is happening to me?" I asked myself for the thousandth time. I didn't want to think what may become of me if I find out that you didn't make it.
"Bellamy, I miss you so much. Even though I'm not alone, I feel so lonely when I think of you. I've been looking sad in all the nicest places, and I imagine seeing those places with you. All I can do is cling to the last time we were together. You promised me that we weren't done and that we'd be together. But you haven't come back, and I have no sign that you ever will. My fear spikes every time I doubt you guys made it and that I'll never see you again. I feel broken." I sniffle and try to quiet my crying.
"Good morning. Were you on the radio again?" Madi asked as she stretched beside me.
"Yeah, same as every day." I say, fussing with her blanket while keeping my face away from her.
"Mama, you were crying." She stated, no question about it.
I turned towards her and watched her frown when she noticed my face. She wiped a tear from the side of my cheek that I missed, so I kissed her palm.
"Yeah, Madi. I miss my friends a whole lot. I get sad sometimes, wondering when they'll be back so you can meet them." I told her, trying to smile through the hard topic.
"I'm not a little girl anymore. I know that you miss them, but I also think you're scared that they aren't alive anymore. You're scared that he isn't coming back." She told me boldly, seeing right through me, just like he used to.
I tried but failed to stifle the sob fighting to tear out of my chest. New tears poured out of my eyes.
"You're right, my little night blood. When did you get so smart?" I asked, forcing a smile, hoping to lighten the mood.
"I was born smart, it's in my blood." She replied cockily while smirking. I smiled even as my heart cracked. She couldn't imagine how the look on her face reminded me of him.
"Alright, let's see what we can gather today. Then, I do believe we're both due for a nice bath at the lake." I told her, if only to keep my broken heart from shattering all over the place.
Hours later, something drew me back to the radio. I usually transmitted once a day, but Madi was occupied, so I went back to the radio.
"Madi and I had a busy day gathering nuts and grains. We also had a wonderful bath at the lake and for the most part, I was able to keep the cracks from showing. She and I shared a rabbit for dinner, and we read for about an hour. She likes the classics I've managed to collect over the years. She could probably give you a run for your money, Bell. She's off practicing her drawing skills now. She told me she wants to get as good as me." I chuckled a bit before my smile faded and my thoughts darkened.
"Bellamy, I've been losing hope more frequently and thoughts that you're really gone keep creeping in. There are times that I don't want to live anymore, like I'd be living in vain. I have to fight to keep hope and myself alive because I can't leave Madi. I also fight those thoughts because I still love you, Bellamy. May we meet again … but until then, I will keep trying the radio every day. I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home." I sniffled and set the radio aside.
I lay back on the top of the jeep to look up at the sky. There was still some time before the sun would set, so I breathed in the breeze and let my eyes fall closed. Everything was so quiet and peaceful as I let myself recall your smiles and our time together.
Suddenly, my body jolted when a loud boom echoed. My eyes flew open, and my mouth hung wide when I spotted a ship entering the atmosphere.
"Bellamy!" My heart, my mind, and my mouth called out.
"Mama!" Madi came running towards me, having also heard the sound. "Is it really them?" She asked me excitedly.
"Let's go! We can meet them where they land." I nodded as my feet were already climbing off the top and into the jeep.
It took me several seconds to turn on the engine because my hands were shaking. Pure adrenaline was coursing through my veins. I had to stop and take a second to slowly inhale and exhale.
"Ready now?" Madi asked.
When I turned to face her, she was smirking at me so adorably. It was the first time that smirk didn't hurt to see on her beautiful face.
"I've been ready for a long time, Madi." I replied with a genuine smile.
"I know. Me too." She told me. Then, we were off as I drove towards the landing site.
A/N: End of chapter four. Hope you're enjoying my story.