Galvanizing Emotion

by Uictoriam Ducere

Charlie has been called many things in his life. A criminal, a thug, and now a deadman. Awakening in a world filled with headache inducing magic ponies who drive him crazy was the last thing he expected. He must now learn to keep his temper in check to stay on their good side as they are the only ones who can bring him home. Being murdered though, makes that kind of difficult… AU

15. Act 1: Howl of the Wind

Chapter 15: Howl of the Wind

"The heart can get really cold if all you've known is winter."

-Benjamin Alire Sáenz

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WALKING DRUMSTICKS!" I scream at a horde of chickens who all started huddling around my feet where I'm standing.

The non-stop clucking is driving me nuts. The second I opened the door to the enclosure I was swarmed by the salmonella infested things, and they just won't fuckin' leave me alone. The coop was in a large fenced in area surrounded by chicken wire, go fuckin' figure. The Apple's must have set up the perimeter the last few months as I don't really recall it being there when I first visited the farm some months ago.

They must have a wandering chick problem around here, I guess…

One chicken in particular, wanders closer and pecks through the hole in my boot, nipping one of my toes, "OW! Why you little shit! C'mere!"

Before I could swoop down to eviscerate the fuckin' thing, Winona starts barking at the chickens who all turn towards her to listen. The barks continue and the birds all look at each other like they were thinking about whatever the fuck she said to them like they were deciding something. After a moment, one of them nods like it agreed and in less than a second all the chickens quickly lined up in a row like they were waiting for the sergeant to start roll call. The one in front even saluted and then they all started marching towards the feeding area with in-sync clucks.

Winona looks at me panting with her tail wagging knowing she did a good job, not that I'm gonna tell her that.

"What do you want? A medal?" I sneer as I look over to see some snow-covered bags of chicken feed and the baskets Applejack said were over here. Rubbing my cold hands together once more I turn and walk towards them while grumbling to myself as I brush off the snow, "I don't know how I'm going to beat the shit out of the next motherfucker who looks at me wrong if my fuckin' fingers fall off. Guess I can still hit them with the nubs…"

I didn't really know how much to feed these shits, so I just ripped open one of the heavy bags and poured the entire thing around the area where they all lined up. It was a lot of feed, but shit, there were a lot of chickens so I'm sure it would be enough. The chickens continued their full attention stance until Winona gave a single small bark and all hell broke loose. They all practically dived into the feed all at once, gobbling away with fervor, completely forgetting Winona and I even existed.

Seeing this as an opportunity, I grabbed some baskets so I can go collect as many eggs as I could without a fuss. The last goddamn thing I need is some mother hen pecking the shit out of my fingers because I need her little babies for a cake recipe. The coops weren't big enough for me to enter, but there were little window's that I could reach into the clutches of nests to swipe my oval prizes. I will say this is so much better than the fuckin' cows, that's for sure.

At least I don't have to worry about anything with the mutt here. Hell, this might actually go without any hiccu-

"Save some for the rest of us! Move over!"

A crazed mare shouts causing me to jump and hit my head in the window frame. I almost drop the basket of eggs onto the ground too and I have to do one of those things where I'm bouncing it between my hands like a hot potato to catch it and thankfully I fuckin' did. Applejack would have my asshole sauteed and barbecued if she knew I deleted an entire weeks' worth of eggs. Before I could even breathe a sigh of relief, the voice shouts once more.

"Stop being such a silly-billy-filly, Mrs. Beaker, there's enough for everyone!" I groan in annoyance as there is only one pony I know who talks like that and my mood sours even further if that's even possible.

Fuckin' Pinkie Pie. What the fuck is she doing here? I really don't want to see her at all, let alone today… I turn to yell at the inmare question, but my mouth falls open and my brow furrows at what I see. Are you sitting down? Good, because I'm going to tell you exactly what I'm looking at and I can't believe my own eyes.

The fuckin' party mare is dressed from head to toe in a giant white chicken costume. It had one of those red waddles atop her head, a beak on her snout, her body was covered in white feathers, and even the trademark yellow legs took place of her hind ones. That's fuckin' weird enough for me already to check out for the day, but it gets worse. She was walking around where I dumped the feed and she starts pecking the ground like a woodpecker, even knocking some of her chicken sisters out of the way to get more. I look down at Winona who, I swear on my fuckin' asshole, shrugs like this is a daily occurrence.

What the fuck…

"P-Pinkie Pie!" Her name getting called makes her head pop up as she clucks.

She gleams as she almost floats over with some skipping, "OH! Hi Mr. Explodington! I didn't see you there!"

I feel my exasperation reach its limit, "What the fuck are doing?!"

She giggles as she gets closer, "I'm eating lunch obviously, silly, what else would I be doing?" She sticks her tongue out like she was mentally challenged.

I begin sputtering like a madman as I point at her, "B-but you-why are-chicken-" She blinks at me as her oblivious smile taunts my very being, making me pause to pinch my nose, "Okay, let me try this again…" I look up at her, "Why are you dressed as and eating like a chicken?"

Some recognition flares through her features, "OH! That's what you want to know! Well, why didn't you just say that to begin with!" She smiles brightly at me, "I'm just spying on you is all, no biggie."

I blink at her as the ridiculousness of the entire situation starts getting so much worse, "…What did you just say?"

"Oh! Weeeeeeeell~ I remembered about when you told us about how much of a bummer your birthday party and it got me thinking; maybe the reason you're a big ol' meany-cake is because you just never had a good one before! So, I thought reeeeeeeeal hard about how to fix that and I came up with the best solution ever!"

She somehow explodes with confetti out of her hooves making me jump, don't ask me how she did it.

She dances a little, "I'll throw you the BEEEEEEEEEEST jamboree a Charlie-thingy could ever have! With everything I know you like so you won't have to be so sad all the time!"

"I'm not fuckin' sa-wait what?" I scowl at her as what she just said to me starts to register, "You're not throwing me shit, pink-and-the-stink! I already told you; I don't like parties!"

She jumps up and down, "Oh I know! That's why it's not a party, it's a jamboree instead!"

My jaw drops at her logic as I stare motionless for a moment before I throw my arms around like a deranged person, "IT'S THE SAME FUCKIN' THING!"

She rolls her eyes at me, "You don't know that!"

"I. Hate. Jamborees." I seethe out of gritted teeth as I almost literally feel steam sizzle off the vein in my forehead and it makes her pause as her lip purses.

"Oh drats! Another thing you don't like!" She then pulls out a note pad from seemingly nowhere, flips to an empty page and starts writing while saying it out loud, "Doesn't like jamborees…"

"Doesn't like-" I shake my head completely lost, "The fuck are you doing now?"

She looks up from the pad, "Oh for your new and improved cook out I wanted to find some things that you actually like so you could have fun!" She looks at her notes some and she frowns, "You know, now that I think about it, in the last two weeks I've been following you I haven't found a single thing that you do like. You don't like trees, ponies, flowers, the color yellow, Spike… maybe, telephone poles, the number 9, you reeeeeeaaaaally hate magic, family reunions, the Charlie you talk to in the mirror, paprika, clowns-"

"You're the clown!" I swipe the note pad from her and toss it as far as I could over the fence, when I turn back around, she has it in her hooves again and starts writing in it.

"'Doesn't like note pads…'" she mouths as she writes.

What the fuck is she?

I grab onto her costume and pull her closer in a threatening manner as I eye her down, "Who the fuck put you up to this huh? The mayor? Celestia?" I shake her some and her eyes spin around in her head, "Who dammit?!"

She shakes her head to correct her pupils, then looks at me confused, "Why would they want me to do that? That's just outlandish!"

I shake her some more, "Because they fuckin' hate me and they want to know if I've been behaving or not, 007, so fuckin' spill the beans before I spill your beans!"

Her look falters some as she begins to realize that I ain't joking, "N-no one asked me to! I did this by myself."

"That doesn't make any fuckin' sense! Why the fuck would you do that?!" I scream as I shake her harder.

Some fear actually starts to form on her normal carefree face, "I-I just wanted you to have a good time," She chokes out and I feel my forehead crease together. "I-I thought if I did something nice for you, you'd…" Her voice dies in her throat.

Winona starts barking at something quite loudly, but I ignore it.

"What? You thought I'd what?! I'd stop being such a fuckin' piece a shit?!" A small chuckle escapes me as I rub my face with a free hand a moment. "That I'll 'come around' to liking you all? What?!"

"I thought you'd maybe help Mr. and Mrs. Cake!" she finally screams.

"…What" I feel my grip loosen a little, "How in the holy fuck could I help them even if I wanted to?"

She starts looking visibly upset as her poofy cotton candy hair starts to droop, "They've been hold up in a hotel in Canterlot for over a month and they're running out of money!"

I give a tired laugh, "Well, you really know how to pick a mark then, idiot! You choose the guy with a good-looking suit and a big house, not some schmuck in rags! I don't have any fuckin' money to give them! Go ask the fuckin' princess for that, she's the piggy bank around here not me."

She shakes her head, "For some reason, the Princess halted the compensation for some of the townsponies when you, you know, destroyed it and they've spent most of what they had already. The construction supplies they ordered almost bankrupted them and now they can't afford the crews to come in to finish so they're stuck." She looks at me with absolute horror, "I talked to them this morning and they're gonna sell the Sugarcube Corner to Filthy Rich! He's going to knock it down and build a BORRRRING general store! We don't need that! We need sweets, and parties, and streamers, and donuts, and sprinkles, and-!"

"Oh, ho ho boo fuckin' hoo! Here let me play them the world's smallest violin for them," I pinch my fingers together to rub and for said instrument. "I don't give a flying fuck what they do, it's not my problem."

She stutters some, "B-but you need to help them! You're their only chance they have!"

"You say that like I give a shit!" my scowl deepens as I don't understand what her angle here is, "And how the fuck am I supposed to be their saving grace, huh? Start a fuckin' charity in their name and dress like Santa? Start working that street corner with fish nets on? I ain't got any money to give em as I said so they can go beg somewhere else!"

She shakes her head and smiles, "No, no! You don't understand, silly! I'm not here asking for money, I'm here for you!" My confused look makes her elaborate further, "When you first arrived, I heard Twilight talking about how you were some kind of carpenter at home! So, I two cupcakes together and I knew what to do! All the supplies are in the bakery, but there's just no ponies to put em to use" She looks up at me with some hope, "That's where you come in! You can save the Cake's bakery, give Ponyville their just desserts again, and I can have my home back! It's perfectioso mi amigo!"

I blink as she smiles brightly at me, "You're forgetting one key detail in your plan there, Alicia Hubberman, you want to know what that is?" She nods her head enthusiastically like the answer was going to be positive, "I'm not doing a single fuckin' thing for those muskrats. In fact, I fuckin' hope they sell so you can go move back to wherever the fuck you came from, and you can finally leave me the fuck alone. It's a fuckin' win win by doing absolutely nothing which is exactly what I'm going to do."

Her smile and optimism, gone as she listens to my bluster, "B-but-"

"-BUT NOTHING!"

Winona starts howling in the background, but I continue to ignore it as I pull her closer to drive my point home.

"You fuckin' ponies need to learn that I'm not here to help any of you. There's only one thing on my mind and that's going home. Nothing else matters, NOTHING! I don't care about the Cake's, the bakery, Ponyville, you ponies, and I especially don't fuckin' care about you! So, get the fuck out of here with that shit, asking me to find the kindness of my heart, or I'll-oh for the love of-" I finally turn towards the mutt, "WHAT?!"

The dogs barking finally gets on my nerves to the point I turn to see Winona standing by me spinning in a circle to get my attention. When she notices that I'm now looking at her she spins in a fast circle and then stiffens into a pointer pose like Scooby Doo, her snout pointing towards the fence. I was just going to ignore her again and I notice something that makes me stop. A gap in the chicken wire had a small opening, but that's not what made me pause. In the distance a small blonde hen could be seen running into the rows of trees disappearing making me vocally groan.

"SHIT! Fuckin' fantastic! Now, I have to go trapezing through the fuckin' wilderness like an asshole…" a tired sigh escapes me as I turn back to the mare, "As for you, I'll-" my sentence is cut off as my own surprise envelops me.

In my hands wasn't a chicken dressed Pinkie Pie, but an actual chicken whose eyes blink at me in a delay like there wasn't a single thought behind them at all. I look around the coop confused to sin at where the fuck she went, but she can't be seen at all, like she just vanished into thin air. Fuckin' Christ, man, how fuck did she do that? She's fuckin' literally a pink highlighter… Whatever, as I was going to say, I'll deal with Pinkie later.

I've got bigger tenders to fry at the moment.

The hen pecks at the longer piece of my beard making me throw the thing back with its brood in disgust as I turn towards the dog fully and walk over to what she was going crazy over. The chicken wire was wrapped multiple times around a plethora of wooden posts making it pretty impenetrable to a lowly fowl so you can imagine my surprise when it looked like something had burst through it like it was paper. I can tell from the direction of the broken wire that it definitely was damaged from the outside.

Looking in the distance that bird was no longer in view and I scowl knowing I'm gonna have to go find the fuckin' thing, but not until this is at least somewhat repaired. Don't need more fuckin' chickens to look for. My simple fix was to bend the wire back to where it should have been and weave it with other broken pieces, making a shoddy metal braid of sorts. As I was twisting a piece something flashing that was embedded in the post catches my attention making me pause as I stare at it confused at what it was.

My nose scrunches as some recognition flares through me, "Is that…?"

After a moment I grab onto it, start tugging back and forth until it breaks free and I look at it in the light. It was some sort of tooth from that of an animal no doubt, probably a coyote or something, but I pause as I stare at it some more. A small green sapling of plant was growing out of the where the root should be, couldn't have been any bigger than a clover. The weirdest part is it looked like it was almost fluorescent with how unnaturally green it was.

Why is there…? Wait a minute, what in the fuck? is this…? Is this thing made of wood? Da fuck?

Winona barking some feet away takes my attention away from the tooth and towards the dog who's standing by the exit of the fence impatiently like she was waiting for me to let her out. I guess she wants to go get the fuckin' hen. Might as well, better than being in here with these retards and I could use some time to myself for a moment. Looking at the tooth with some wariness one more time, I slip it into my pocket and head towards the gate letting the dog free as it runs towards the direction of the hen, leaving me in the dust. I'll talk to Applejack about the tooth later…

Time to go find this shit…

Before too long, I'm surrounded by unnerving rows of leafless trees and never-ending snow for miles and miles all around. The trees themselves weren't terribly large and they were planted pretty spaced apart making this 'forest' not really dense, probably so they could be picked more efficiently. The problem with them spaced how they are in the fuckin' winter is that there was no canopy at all to halt the onslaught of snow from falling down and because no one walks out here at all, it's practically past my knees…

I actually have no idea how large the farm really is, but I know it's fuckin' massive. Like fuck you kind of massive. Even from the house, you can see hills upon hills filled with the fuckin' trees for miles and miles off in the distance which is insane. I think Twilight was the one who told me this orchard single-handedly supplies the capital with the delicious fruit which that alone seems to be a feat within itself considering that the only two who seem to actually do anything around here.

How the fuck can these ponies even harvest all of this by themselves? I know Applejack has a crazy large family, but I only ever see her and her brother working it. The fuck are they all doing all day? Making sure they're around on standby for an apple pun to be made? That's just some bullshit, I know if that was my family, I'd be the first to let those shits know we don't allow vacancy to deadbeats.

I can't really say the duo don't have anyone to help. I mean, there's Apple Bloom, but I wouldn't really consider her that much of a worker if I'm being honest. Despite her families 'work hard or hardly working' demeanor, the little filly likes to put more attention on playing rather than sweating bullets. Her brother on the other hand is the complete opposite.

I frown as I brush past a tree thinking of what happened earlier with the stallion himself. I'm pretty sure I scared the shit out of him with my little stunt. I mean sure, I threaten fuckin' everyone who even blinks in my direction, but not like that. And then there's the whole strangle thing… The fuck was I thinking? I just don't understand why he didn't say anything about it. If that were me, I'd be screaming bloody fuckin' Mary as that's the perfect opportunity to get a threat off my farm, maybe he has the memory of a goldfish and forgot. Who the fuck knows…

It's been some time since I lost control like that though. I know there was the whole destroying-the-town fiasco, but I don't remember any of that, so it doesn't count. For the most part, I've been behaving pretty decently considering what I was like at home. Used start shit with anyone who'd even looked at me wrong and that wasn't even the worst of it.

I remember there this one time I had to pull this yokel tourist off of Bill back at Casper's the one night. At this point, the red headed shit really took over that 'nickel for your thoughts' persona when he was serving people. He said it helped find scores, but I just think he liked people needing him, even the drunks. Anyways, this guy comes in loaded, I mean he bought the entire bar on a Saturday night a full round of drinks and even after he still had plenty of spending money. Apparently, the dumbass won big at the Encore casino and decided to flaunt his newfound wealth to the rest of us peasants.

Bill saw this as an opportunity and kept giving him drinks on the house to get him nice and drunk for Dylan to swipe the dough off of him, but what he didn't account on was that the man was an angry drunk. He grabbed onto Bill and pulled the small shit over the counter and started beating the tar out of him when he took offense to something the faux bartender said something out of pocket. I was in the back losing pretty hard playing cards with the fellas when I heard the commotion and to say I was none too happy with what I saw when I came out to the floor would be an understatement.

Now for those at home, how do you stop an angry drunk? The answer? With an even angrier drunk.

I broke a chair over his head and pulled him outside with the help of Pee Wee and then proceeded to give him one of the worst beat downs a mortal man could receive. Allegedly. Truth is I don't really remember this, but the way it was described to me was I just kept hitting him until his face swelled up like a melon and he started soiling himself. Pee Wee tried stopping me and then I turned on him and started whooping his ass too.

Wally actually had to come out to stop me before I killed both of them…

My face twitches at the name that reverberated through my skull and I did my best to ignore it focusing on the task at hand as I look down at the single line of chicken scratch sprinting deeper in the woods. Thank God for these tracks, if it wasn't for them, I'd have no fuckin' idea where I'm at so I'm just going to count my lucky stars, what few I have, for that.

That and Winona as much as I hate to admit it…

She's a little bit in front of me with her head deep in the snow, sniffing out our quarry in the shape of a 24-piece bucket from KFC since we left the coop. She looks back every now and again to see if I'm still following. I am, but it's at a miserable pace. My socks are utterly soaked through and the only reason I haven't succumbed to the cold yet is that I'm constantly moving.

There better be hot cocoa with that pie she promised me, it's fuckin' freezing out here.

Speaking of the cold, a chill warps through me causing me to glare at the dog, "Will you hurry up, mutt! It couldn't have gotten that far; we just saw it!"

"BARK"

I grab my junk through the quilt, "Bark this dick up your ass before Flash gets there first."

The dog either ignores me or can't understand which is bullshit because those fuckin' cows seemed to understand her just fuckin' fine which makes me start thinking. So… like, how far does this sentient shit go? We all know the ponies can speak and feel things, but what about the cows? Are they like lesser on the totem pole? Is it like a slavery kind of thing or did the cattle submit their resume to get the job? And what about Winona or Angel? Are they just dumb fuckin' animals or are they considered another race? As far as I can tell, there definitely is some kind of line between the two as I know the ponies can't understand anything that can't talk…

Well, almost all the ponies… Fluttershy can talk to the 'animals' just fine, but I don't know if that's just a her thing or not. I'll ask her tomorrow, I guess. Ugh, tomorrow. The thought of Fluttershy's day makes me grimace as I really don't want to go to her house, not after last week. She was-

"BARK BARK BARK"

"ALRIGHT! I can fuckin' hear you! Just hold on…" I catch up to Winona who was standing in between a couple of trees scratching at something and as I approach, I stop. Something was in the snow, and it was unmistakable.

Blood, and a lot of it. Not just blood but tracks too. A lot of tracks. Looked canine in nature, maybe some coyotes, but I ain't the crocodile hunter so your guess is as good as mine. Though they do seem kind of big for a coyote…

Whatever, I think you're putting two and two together here on what happened. Oh well not my fuckin' problem, but I better at the very least find the body before I declare it dead dead. Last thing I need is the hen to be brought home by the authorities and it tell the Apple's I fuckin' left it out here which I can totally see happening in this fucked world. That and the Apple's will more than likely blame my dumb hungry ass for the kill, they already know I eat meat. Wouldn't be the first time I get blamed for something I didn't do.

Remember, nothing is impossible if it means it can fuck with me and make my life worse.

I turn to the dog who was staring off in the distance, "Okay, Winona, do your thing and find the fuckin' thing already." Winona didn't move a muscle making my lips twist, "Hey! You fuckin' hear me? If you've got enough smarts to throw the cows at me then you can most assuredly follow a fuckin' order. Now go find the future fried dinner already!"

Winona slowly backs up with her head down and her tail between her legs with some soft whines. Huh? I look off where she was looking, but I didn't see shit. Just trees, some more trees, and oh! Look! More trees! Fuckin' ridiculous… Before I could yell at the dog to knock it the fuck off, I happen to notice a tiny trail rouge dripped in the same direction with the same tracks she was staring in.

"Okay, cool. The hen's that way, c'mon…" I start walking towards it, but after a few steps I notice, the dog doesn't follow making me turn, "didn't you hear me? I said c'mon! We still have to-HEY! COME BACK HERE!"

The dog whines some more as I was barking orders before running off towards the farm without me, leaving me all alone in the artificial wilderness. Just great! She's fuckin' lucky I can follow the tracks back or else I'd kill her. The last thing I need is to be lost out here and become the origin of Big Foot in this world.

"Un-fuckin'-believable. Some fuckin' farm dog you are," I groan as I turn towards the trail to continue without the mutt, "How the fuck do I get into these situations? God? You hear me? Can you knock it the fuck off please? It's not that amusing…"

The fuck was up with the mutt? It's just some Coyotes or something that got lucky is all. Nothing to worry about. Well, maybe rabies could be added to that list unless I don't already have it from touching all these fuckin' animals all day. Who the fuck knows who they've been talking to or getting bit by.

I snort as I walk deeper in the woods, "Tigers and lions and bears oh my!" I stop as I realize something, "Shit! Why did she have leave! I could of totally did the Kansas line with her too. Shit would have been fuckin' good too." I rub my forehead as I start walking again, "I miss fuckin' TV… and my recliner… and the drink I'd be holding in said recliner…"

You miss him too…

My lip purses and my brow falls, "Fuck you, brain, of course I do. Don't have to rub it in, cunt."

It's too bad you won't see him again…

I wrap the quilt around me tighter, "Never say never is what I say to that, ass munch. Now fuckin' knock it off, we got work to do."

Thankfully, the bad part of my brain decided that finding this chicken was more important than fuckin' with me. Speaking of, the blood trail and the prints kind of zig zags through the trees, but as I walk further it seems the more tracks I find. Like more of em were coming out of the woodworks. Fuck man, there has to be at least 10 of them…

Still following the tracks, I turn around a tree to see a lump a few rows down making pause a moment and with good reason as I continue forward. Well, it looks like I found my quarry, gentleman, and something definitely stole this hunt from me that's for fuckin' sure.

I stop at the lump and look down with a blank expression at the sight of the now dead hen. To say the thing was torn apart would be a fuckin' understatement. She was practically liquefied as pieces of her were spread around in a small pool of steaming blood. Her body was ripped into three different pieces, pulpified from large gashes and teeth marks. The head was nearby, but if it wasn't for the beak, you'd have guessed it was some kind of flesh ball and not the chicken. You know, I'm not all that surprised that it's dead, but the way it was killed is making my brow furrow as a question enters my mind.

"Why didn't they eat it?" I say softly to myself.

Don't get me wrong, the fuckin' thing was definitely attacked by some kind of predator, however it just looked like they played with it instead of filling their bellies. No actual meat was taken as far as I could tell, just flayed from the bone. If that wasn't weird enough for you, the steaming blood lets me know this just happened so where the fuck are the accursed poachers themselves?

"Maybe it was diseased or something…" I grumble to myself as I squat and poke the thing with a stick nearby, "Or maybe you just tasted like ass cheeks and the fuckers coughed you up like a fur ball." A new thought causes me to abruptly stand, "Where the fuck are they?"

Surely, I should have heard something from the ones who did this by now right? Some barking or growling that wasn't from Winona in the distance at the very least. I look around at the tracks and they all spread out in different directions, splitting up like they were about to go solve a mystery with the gang. Even stranger, they seemed to split into small groups of two as they fled. Fuckin' things probably just sensed I was coming and just scrammed is all.

Looking back at the body, I feel my head cock as I gazed into the carcass like it was a Picasso painting. I'm not some fuckin' psycho or anything, it's just… I don't know, for a world that seems so fuckin' PG with everything I really wasn't expecting this. The cruelness of nature I mean. Sure, maybe something like this happening in my world, but this one? Fuck man, and here I thought I was the most grotesque thing to happen around here in millenia… I guess not.

"Well, I guess I should my way back now to let the Beverly Hillbillies know they've got a pest problem," I turn around to start my way back, "Hopefully they won't make me put on the Elmer Fudd outfit to go deal with it. Fuck that. I don't feel like freezing my dick off killing these shits…"

Not that you don't mind taking lives though…

I stop dead in my tracks by a tree after only a few steps.

You've done it before; we both know that…

My face twists with anger at my own thoughts, "That was different…" I sneer quietly.

Was it? Seemed all the same to me. How many now? Do you even know anymore?

My hands clench into fists, "Be quiet."

I guess that shouldn't be all that surprising, you didn't really care who it was as long as you had a bottle in your hand…

"I said shut the fuck up!"

Even Bill started to get scared of you…

Now that I think about it, it was probably the reason he clocked you out to begin with…

He couldn't control you anymore…

Not after Mr. Cheng and you only got worse from there…

"…"

Don't you remember what you did when he told you what him and Paulie were planning?

The look on his face when you when you laid your hands on him for the first time?

That was fear, Charlie…

Fear of the monster he created… Fear can drive a man to do great and terrible things…

It was only a matter of time until he'd have to pick up the torches and pitchforks…

It's just too bad you weren't the only o-

A fury of powerful right hooks into cold bark of the apple tree cuts off my own consciousness as my limit had finally been reached. I just kept punching the same solid surface over and over as the resounding thuds start turning into a more wet as my knuckles split open and pain flared through my arm from no doubt broken bones, but I just didn't care. I only saw red, both from anger and the lightning bolts shooting from my hand though somehow, I tanked through it. The red mark on the tree gets larger with every hit and the agony from my assault gets to the point to where I collapse to my knees holding my battered hand in my lap. I start wincing in between pained breaths as I realize what I just did.

Through a small pathetic whimper, I speak quietly, "You're a fuckin' idiot…"

Grrrrrrr

My head snaps over to where the sound of a deep resounding lone growl in the distance as it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I slowly pull myself up to my feet with the help of the tree, ignoring my hand as I continue to stare with my back to the tree I just stand there and listen. Some branches and twigs could be heard breaking as well as the same growls echoing through the trees, being carried by the snow. I see a small rock sticking out of the red splattered snow below me and I pick it up to chuck it in the direction they were coming from.

"FUCK YOOOOUUUU!" I scream as it soars through the air. The status quo of silence resumes among the trees making my shoulders slump in relief, "Good… Fuckin' coyote. Maybe I will enjoy ending you, you shit. Too bad you probably taste like ass, you-"

AHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

A lone, deep resounding howl could be heard from the direction I threw the rock moments ago and then again silence. Not even a small breeze could be heard blowing as the howl seemed to stop time itself.

Fuck this, I'm getting the hell out of here…

I quickly turn and follow the tracks back to the farm, with a watchful eye looking over my shoulder the entire time. Even though I never saw anything or heard another sound that wasn't my own pained gasps, it still felt as though something was behind me the entire time. I'm starting to think this ain't a fuckin' coyote is all I think as I clutch onto my bruised hand. I looked at it as I walked and let me tell you, I did a number on it. I don't know if any bones are broken, but what I can tell you is that I won't be using it properly for a few days. Just another injury to add to the lifetime list. Why do I fuckin' do this shit? Get so worked up over nothing!

Aside from the nerve-racking walk back, nothing of relevance really happened while I was out there. When I saw the clearing, I practically started sprinting out of the trees and dove onto the farmstead as it felt like something was on my heels. I spun around in the snow to brace for something to strike, but it never comes, and all greeted with is an empty dead forest.

"Thank fuckin' Christ," I lay may head back into the snow as my hand starts radiating pain, "This deal's getting worse all the time…"

Sitting up, I tare a small piece off my quilt with my teeth and wrap it around the appendage with some diligence to agitate it further. When its secure, I stand up and flex my fingers some with great difficulty to see if it'd hold. Before I turn away from the tree line, I look back up at the forest once more and scowl, releasing a growl of my own before walking towards coop to fetch the eggs and then to inform the Apple's what had happened to their chicken.

As I strolled up to the coop, I saw Winona sitting by the entrance and as she saw me approach her head lowered like she knew she fucked up.

With narrowed eyes, I speak to her briefly, "Come here often, shithead?" She whines some as I open the gate and walk in, "Yeah yeah, do your fuckin' 'I've been a bad dog routine' that'll really win me over."

Grabbing the basket bustling with eggs, I close the fence to the coop making sure it was secure, so we don't get another fatality on our hands, and walk towards the house. Winona was following behind me; however, she was still looking like she shit on the carpet as she should. The fucker left me out there to be eaten. At least she feels bad about it unlike some people I know. Could be worse, if that was Flash who left me, I'm sure I'd find him all sorts of butt hurt that I wasn't eaten alive. Hell, I'd probably burst into the middle of his premature victory-over-ape party.

Fuckin' prick. He's another one getting on my nerves.

Winona sprints ahead around the house as I walked up along the side and made my way towards the front porch. As I'm about to round the corner, I could hear Applejack talking to someone mid-conversation and she didn't sound none too happy from the sound of things either.

"-old you time and time again, yer just making it worse. Haven't we got enough problems as it is without you stirring the pot?"

Great she's talking about me, what's fuckin' new around here. Who the fuck is she talking to? Maybe Big Mac finally told her what I did. I soon get my answer as another mare responds making me pause at the side of the house with a small groan and I lean against the wall, not wanting to be seen by her.

"He stirred the pot when he attacked us, Applejack." Rainbow huffs out, "Why are you all defending him!? I don't get it!"

I slowly peak around the corner to see that soon-to-be-dead mare herself sitting on the porch with Applejack. They had their backs to me which gave me a little more confidence to peak out a little more and view the porch in its entirety. Thankfully, it looked like Granny Smith had gone inside as her trademarked chair was empty making me breathe a small sigh of relief knowing I won't get smacked by her, at least not now. Looking back at the two, they both had some mugs filled with something foaming around the rim which made my mouth water.

Huh, that almost looks like bee-

"Rainbow, we already told all ya, it's our duty as the elements o' harmony to keep the peace in Equestria!" Applejack throws a semi-soft hoof punch at the pegaus and gives her a knowing glare, "Only one of the duties you've been neglecting as of late or, so Ah've been hearin'."

Rainbow was in the middle of taking a sip when she gets hit, some liquid spills over and she turns with her own glare while she rubbed her shoulder, "Ow! What was that for?!"

The cowmare tips her hat up and eyes her, "Fer bein' pigheaded. What do you think the Princess is gonna say when she finds out you haven't been takin' him with ya on yer day?"

The pegasus shakes her head and takes a gulp before turning to her, "You know, I love Celestia, but she's out of your mind if she thinks I'm going to be foalsitting him like you all have been doing. I may be an element, but there's some things even I won't even do and that's one of them. Besides, I can barely stand seeing him for a moment let alone talking to him for an entire day!"

"And that's most assuredly mutual there, sugarcube, but two wrongs don't make a right, you know that." She pauses like she was thinking against what she was about to say, "Maybe if… maybe if you apologize fer what you been doin' to him, he might not be so… Charlie-ish all the time or at least not as bad. If yer patient enough with him, he has a nice side as surprisin' as that is hear."

She spits out some of her drink in surprise and looks at her like she lost her mind, "A-apologize? To him?! Why am I the only one getting punished for his mistakes." She screams as she slams the mug down, "It's bad enough I can't hang out with my friends anymore, but now I have to just pretend like he didn't do anything?"

"I didn't say that! He still messed up and we ain't forgettin' either, but…" Applejack's lip purses and she sighs, "Rainbow, no pony is tryin' to keep ya away."

Rainbow blows air out of her snout and looks down, "Tell that to Twilight then! She straight up banned me from the library." She groans audibly as she puts her head in her hooves, "You have any idea how long it's been since I've been able to catch up on Daring Do? The newest issue came out and I can't even go get it…"

"We just want ya to settle down around him is all. You really rattle him, and it just makes it harder fer all of us, Sugarcube." Rainbow takes a swig of her drink and ignores her causing applejack to continue, "And there's a reason fer that ban by the way, ya almost killed him," Applejack says softly.

The technicolored mare snorts as she looks off into the distance, "Yeah, keep reminding me of the one good thing to almost come out of this, that'll turn me right around and make me stop…"

Applejack laughs, "Ya don't mean that!" Rainbow turns to her and glares making the blonde maned horse gulp, "Okay, maybe you do mean it, but you have ta remember that he's Twilight's main responsibility until he goes home. She's strugglin' as it is keepin' him from doin' somehtin' stupid and it's really gettin' to her without you makin' it worse. You should have known she wouldn't have taken too kindly to you almost endin' him with this feud you've got brewin' between both of ya. I'm surprised she even invited you to that lunch after the week you gave him."

She blew a soft raspberry, "What? Did he cry to his mommy about me? What a loser," She lets loose a tired chuckle, "And as for the egghead herself, she needs to drop him like a bad habit before something happens to her…"

The cowmare clicks her tongue, "You know Twilight, sugarcube, once that mare has an idea, she sticks with it to the bitter end."

Rainbow looks down a moment and frowns, "Yeah, and it's going to be her bitter end if she's not careful…"

Applejack waves a dismissive hoof at her, "Oh, now yer bein' overdramatic. If he wanted to, he'd have done it by now don't you think? By Tartarus, it's been almost half a year already for Celestia's sake."

She crosses her arms like I would and huffs again, "A half a year too long if you ask me. I just wish he'd go home already so things can go back to the way they used to be. I can go hang out with my friends without that monkey making it worse and my home will be safe again."

"That's why I'm askin' ya to give him a chance so things might go back to normal," Rainbow turns away still not convinced so the cowmare changes her strategy, "Granny's really taken a likin' to him. She says he reminds her of my great granddaddy and how he helped save the town from a band of theivin' griffons way back yonder. 'Full of grit' I think were her exact words."

She snorts not liking what her friend is doing, "Pfft, Granny Smith doesn't know where she is half the time."

"Well, Big Mac just got done talkin' to me about how much of a hard worker he was with the cows too and that's sayin' somethin' considerin' he didn't want him on the farm anymore after last week," She looks up and scratches her head underneath her stetson like she was confused, "Though, somethin' tells me there's more to that story that I didn't quite get to hear…"

"Then he needs to get out more. His judge of character is pretty lackluster," she says curtly again.

"And what about Apple Bloom? She likes him too, though Ah wish he'd stop be so abrasive around her." She shakes her head and facehoofs, "Keeps askin' me what 'douche bag' is and I keep lyin' about it."

Rainbow actually snickers at that surprisingly, "You can't lie save your life either."

Applejack rolls her eyes playfully, "Yeah yeah I'm already bein' accused of it and she ain't gonna stop until she figures it out. Thinks it'll help her with her cutie mark of all things…" Applejack shakes out of her thoughts and looks back at her, "but, you know what I'm tryin' to say."

"So, the nicest family in Ponyville who couldn't tell a fly to buzz off if they had to likes somepony who can lift heavy things around for them, big deal," Rainbow rolls her eyes, "Sorry, but you're going to have to be a little more convincing than that if you want me to even get close to changing my mind."

Applejack huffs as she finally sets down her drink and turns to her, "You know what the problem is? Yer almost as stubborn as he is and that's sayin' somethin'," a playful expression starts to form, "In fact, it's probably why you don't like each other."

Rainbow cocks her head, "What is that supposed to mean?"

She chuckles some, "Yer just very similar is all…"

Rainbow's jaw drops to the floor before she scowls at her hick friend, "We are not the same!"

"Could have fooled me! It's like ah'm talkin' to ponified Charlie right now." She makes a scowl and starts imitating my Boston accent somewhat poorly, "I'm gonna be as difficult as possible at the simplest of tasks."

She punches her friend, "I do not sound like that!"

She doesn't even move from the hit and laughs, "Whatever you say, sugarcube," as Rainbow starts foaming at the mouth from that clear insult Applejack just giggles and changes the subject, "Just say yer sorry fer the hat. What's the worst that can happen? He blows up again?"

"And when is he gonna say sorry to all the ponies' lives he destroyed?!" There is a loud silence following the question, "Exactly, Applejack, I've been hearing that he hasn't changed at all even with that stupid mark thing following his every move. He's a monster and I won't stop until he's run out of town, end of story."

I hear the cowmare sigh, "…listen, I'm not sayin' you have to be friends with him, Rainbow, but if you tried to set aside yer own grievances then we wouldn't have ta set up new boundaries and do things without ya. I miss hangin' out with ya too."

The shit-bird chuckles at that, "Calling it a grievance is a bit of an understatement there, AJ."

The cowmare pauses as if she was thinking, "Just think of this way, Twilight cares about him and Spike, fer whatever reason, thinks the world of him. You really think they'd be okay with ya if they found out something happened, and you were behind it? Spike's upset with ya enough as it is."

She shakes her head and stutters some, "No, but- I don't know, this whole thing is just unfair! He could have hurt a lot of ponies and we're trusting him to not do it again?"

"Ah know how it sounds, Rainbow, and Ah'm I'm not gonna disagree with ya on that one. The sentence was extremely lenient, but the Princess seems to think there's something worth savin' in that thick head o' his and I'm not gonna question it. I'm takin' a big risk by havin' him on the farm with my family, if I didn't trust her do you think I'd have him here now?"

"No…" I could almost hear her slink down, "Where is he anyways? Trying to melt Apple Bloom with his mind?"

"I sent him to fetch the eggs from the coop…" She pauses as she looks over making me pull back suddenly to not be seen, "Either he's sleeping on the job or he's takin' his sweet time with it. It's almost been two hours…"

Looks like I lucked out and she didn't notice my nosy ass.

I hear Rainbow snort again around the corner like it was a bad habit, "Whatever, I'm gonna finish this roof so I can get out of here before he shows up and don't forget you owe me more of this cider you've got left over."

With some soft flaps of wings, I hear the rainbow menace land on the roof and some snow starts to be thrown over the side by where I was standing. Looking over I hear Applejack sigh and the door to the born opening and closing so at least I know she's inside. I stood there for a moment deciding my next move as I reeeeeaaaaaalllly didn't want to talk to Rainbow after the day I've been having, and I just know if I go anywhere, she's gonna notice. Though, standing here like a gremlin isn't going to do me any favors either.

I decide to slowly slink my way over towards the porch while the mare was busy and quietly walk towards the door when I notice Winona sitting there by Granny's chair. I didn't see her before, but she sure as shit saw me. Her head lifts some and her tail wags while she stands up looking excited for something making me shit my pants. If this dog barks I'm going to kill her so I do the first thing I think of and that's to take one of the eggs out of the basket and throw it as hard as I could away from the house, and she went after it.

While she was busy I quickly tip-toed towards the door and entered not really caring if Rainbow heard it or not, she'll just think it was one of the Apple's. Breathing a sigh of relief that I'm now inside of the barn, I take a full step in and the warmth of the interior of the house kisses my body like a long-lost lover and I heave a sigh of relief.

The adrenaline from earlier made me completely disregard how fuckin' cold it was outside and the numbness of my toes really started to register with me. I need new fuckin' boots… Actually, never mind, I might as well just get a new life while I'm at it cause this one sucks balls.

Looking around, I'm not all that surprised by how homey the place is considering this entire family is a just a page out of the script of Little House on the Prairie and that's exactly the feel these shits were going for. Very similar to Fluttershy's cottage, it was pretty simple. Actually, this is probably the most normal fuckin' house I've seen in some time. No magic tree bullshit or an annoying dragon, no dresses and outfits raining down on you, and no fuckin' animals running around.

The main foyer was connected to the living room and had a single flight of steps for the upstairs. There were two adjacent rooms one to the left and the other to the right. Intuition makes me think the left will lead me to the kitchen because of the checkered tile on the floor by the entrance. The right could have been a hallway for more rooms. The living room was pretty basic overall which is kinda surprising; you've got couches, chairs, coffee tables, lamps, knick knacks and shelves. The fuckin' works essentially. If you have a grandma, just think of their house and that's what it looks like.

As I take in the room a little more, I start to frown out of annoyance. The reason being I do notice one odd thing in the house and that's the insufferable apple themed everything. If it existed, it had an apple on it. The wallpaper had bright red apples and a green backdrop, the table was apple shaped, the couch had shapes of green apple slices adorning the red fabric, the shelves upon shelves were filled with apple themed knick knacks, and the photos adorning the walls were all (You fuckin' guessed it already, you smart cookie) apple shaped.

I'm starting to notice a pattern about these ponies and it's fuckin' infuriating. They all have one thing they do or like and it's literally their entire lives. Fuck, man, I'm gonna turn into an apple if I fuckin' stay in here long enough. I've heard of people going bananas, but what about going Apples? I think that's the next step if I'm being honest considering how many apples loose this family's got.

As I take in the house, something finally clicks in my empty noggin that I should have thought about before I scampered inside like a rat. I'm not really allowed in the house. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. I never have been offered to come inside would be the better wording. This is the first time I've looked around in here and I know for a fact that there's a soft ban for a Charlie to enter. More than likely from the request of Big Mac, he really doesn't want me around her sisters and every time I get close to the house, he's nearby watching me like a hawk which I don't blame him at all.

Well… What the fuck do I do now? Should I go back outside? Some movement in the corner of my eye pulls my attention for a second, I see an iced over window and outside the snow that Rainbow's pushing off falls down to ground making me grimace. There's no way in hell I'm going back out there, not with her around so I better call out to them to grab these shits. Just maybe they may take pity on this weary traveler and let me take shelter from the grotesque creature who haunts the roof of this dwelling.

Probably not though.

I cough into my hand and adjust the basket of eggs in my hands, "Uhhh, Hello? Applejack? You in here?" No one answers making me curse under my breath. "I guess I better go find her…"

That tiled hallway was just calling my name, so I start my way over. Though the moment I round the corner immediately bump into someone big, red, and hairy. That's right, I just walked into Big Mac by the entrance and causing us both to stumble back some. He looked as confused as I was when we knocked into each other, but some recognition fills his face when he realizes it's just me.

I was waiting for his surprise to sour into that 'you fucked in the ass and didn't even give him a reach around' type look he liked to don but it never came surprisingly. He held a neutral expression instead as he studied me some more then he looked down at the basket and he gives a slight nod of approval with a small grunt.

"Yeah, I got your stupid eggs alright. What Goddamn hassle that was." He eyes me some more but doesn't answer, "You want them or not, Hillbillie Jim? I can easily just toss them down the well and get you all sick if you want."

He then rolls his eyes and then tilts his head towards the way he came and turns down the hallway as if he wanted me to follow him.

I sigh as I tread behind him down the narrow corridor, "What I'm allowed inside the house now?" He doesn't answer as he walks, "Oh thank ya massah for these here house privileges. Isa be one happy boy this evenin' yes sir I is!"

He either doesn't hear me or he ignores me as we enter a ronewom at the end and it seems my intuition was correct earlier. In the center was a table with jars of all sorts of sizes and shapes, some have little pictures on them and others have horse gibberish making scowl at it. There was an atrociously eye blistering fridge that was as pink as our spying friend from earlier with the painted picture of a cupcake on it, I looked extra hard at it to make sure it wasn't here just to be on the safe side as I'm beginning to believe she doesn't obey the laws of anything.

Other than that, it's a standard kitchen it screams grandma's cookies let me tell ya.

"There ya are, thingamajig! Was wonderin' where ma eggs were, yer just in time!" Speaking of Grandmas…

Granny Smith was sitting at the table with her two granddaughters as it looked like they were in the middle of kneading a huge pile of dough. There were dirty pans, scuffed bowls, spoons with crud on them, and, of course the behemoth of a dough pile that could rival that of Chief Wiggums. Seriously, if they add any more mix to it, it's gonna come alive and eat the town.

"There ya are! Ah was wonderin' where you went off to, thought you might have fallen asleep again and Ah just sent Big Mac to look fer ya! Seems he found you in record time, wouldn't you say so, Mac?"

The stallion looks at me and his face shifts some before saying, "Yeeeeeeeup."

Applejack beams as she sees the eggs, "And it looks like you actually picked all the eggs and then some! Yee haw, it looks like we had ourselves one heck of a harvest too! No wonder it took you so long."

Oh yeah! The chicken! I guess I should tell them about what happened out there...

I clear my throat, "Well, actually there's another reason it took me so long, you see I-"

Granny shakes a hoof at me as I was about to explain that they're down an animal, "Well, what are ya waitin' fer? A telegram? Get yer hiney over here dang nabbit, we need them eggs to finish this dough!"

"Granny, will you just settle down! The dough ain't goin' anywhere," Applejack chides as she looks over at me, "What were you sayin', Charlie?"

I sigh as I put the basket onto the table, "Yeah yeah, here's the eggs. Listen, I really need to talk to abou-"

The older mare starts whacking the dough with a rolling pin, "Talk! We ain't got time ta talk! We got more pies to bake than Appaloosa sweet fair fer the pageant this Sunday!"

"Granny! Can you just hold yer reigns there fer a sec, I think Charlie has something to tell us." She looks back at me, "Go on then."

I put my hands up as I was about to tell my tale, "Okay, so I went to the chicken coop when one of your-"

"Oh, my goodness!" a small flour covered Apple Bloom yells out, "What happened to yer hoof?!"

I look at the ghetto bandaged hand and groan, "It barely even hurts right now. Listen, we don't have time for this, I was out in the wo-"

"Oh shoot!" Applejack yells out as she was looking in a cabinet, "Ah think I'm all out of bandages, maybe there's some in the barn. Don't worry, we'll get that all patched up fer ya no problem."

"Just forget about the hand for second!" I wipe my face with my good one and stare back, "So I was in woods after one of your chickens es-"

"Found it!" Apple Bloom calls out as she runs over with an obvious first aid kit and then she stops and looks at her flank, "Ooh! Maybe I'm a doctor! Why didn't we think of that before! Here, Charlie, let me try to bandage that hand and maybe I'll get ma cutie mark!"

I start gritting my teeth, "We can do that later! Just let me expl-"

"I thought you already tried to be a doctor? Remember when you all foalnapped Spike last year?" Appljack cuts me off again as I pull on my hair.

"Guy's! maybe if you just liste-"

"No, we were dentists when we did that and that didn't work." She looked down at her flank, "ah could have sworn the louder he screamed the closer we were. ah'm just never gonna get ma cutie mark…"

"Can I talk now? Cool, so anyways I was in the woods when I-"

"Aw you'll get yer cutie mark eventually, sugarcube! Yer just a late bloomer like me!" Applejack comforts her sister as I'm now a second away from losing my mind.

"Can we just forget the fuckin' cutie mark please! We have more important shit to-OW!" The cane came out of nowhere as it struck my head.

"Language!" She demented old bat screams.

"Granny! Can you stop hitting him!" Applejack scolds as my face twitches and I feel the vein on my forehead bulge.

Big Mac seems to be the only one paying attention to me and he takes a few steps back like he knows what's coming next as my face starts getting as red as he is.

"Well maybe he should learn some manners around the youngin's or else he'll-"

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME SPEAK YOU, YOU SNIVELING FUCKIN'-RAAAAAAAAAGH!"

A bolt of red lightning shooting out of my hand sends me flying back in pain and I smack a cupboard making some plates topple over and crash down onto my head. After a moment of that feeling of being concussed, some pained gasps that were my own is all I could hear as I slowly pulled myself off the floor and looked over where I was standing before. Thankfully, there's no crater so at least I didn't go nuclear…

The Apple family were all gathered around me like I'd been out for a while, but I know I didn't lose consciousness from it. Maybe I was laying here longer than I thought I was. Looking behind them, I see Rainbow standing there too as if I was still a bomb about to go off and I just might if she tries anything.

Great, the commotion must have drawn her in here like a moth a flame, the cunt.

"Can ya hear me, Charlie?" Applejack tenderly asks as I get my senses back.

I shake my head some and slowly sit up, "Yeah, just… just give me a minute."

"That was a bad one, huh?" She croons again. "Sorry, about that…"

I rub my forehead and stare at the floor, "Yeah… you can say that," I look around at everyone one more time and sigh, "Can I fuckin' say what I gotta say now or are you all gonna keep being twats about it? It's about something that's out in the orchard and it can't really wait."

The three grown Apple's all grimace when I say that like they knew what was coming next. It looked like the filly wanted to ask something, but Big Mac quickly put a hoof on her head to keep her quiet and looked at me expectantly to continue. I slowly stand up with the help of Applejack and she leads me to the pastry can filled table to use the chair. Rainbow glared at me as I passed her, but I paid her no mind as I don't really have it in me to explode again.

I hear Rainbow chuckle, "What's the matter, ape, you can't take the heat? Then get the buck out of the kitchen, you smell-OW!"

"How many times do ah gotta repeat myself! Language!" Granny shouts as she waves the cane at the Pegasus some more.

If my body wasn't rejecting me like a high school crush, I'd be losing my shit right now at her expense. Rainbow seemed to take her warning at last and kept quiet as I reached the chair. Once I was seated everyone gave me glances making suck a breath in, count to five, and exhale to calm myself down.

I look up and begin the tale, "One of your chickens got out and wandered into orchard when I fetching the eggs. There was a hole in that sorry excuse of a fence you've got up and that's how it escaped. That wire is fuckin' useless, looked like something just walked through it like it was nothing so I'd get something stronger if I were you. I fixed it but- Anyways, that's not what I needed to tell you. Winona and I went after it for some time and eventually we found it." I lean back in the chair, "Or what was left of it."

"Left?" Big Mac asks and I could tell he looked worried.

"Yeah, looked like something got to it, tore it to pieces like a chew toy. We found tracks and shitload of them too, but I didn't see nothing. Something scared your cowardly mutt though and she ran off, leaving me out there. She was quaking in her metaphorical boots over something that I couldn't see, but I don't know what. Heard some growls and some howling sometime after, looks like you got a coyote problem or something." I nod to the filly, "I wouldn't let her out there alone until you got that all sorted if I were you. Looked like there was a lot of them."

"Did something attack you?" Applejack asks in a serious tone as she points to my hand, "Is that what happened to you?"

"No, I uh… I tripped into a tree as I was leaving…" I say pretty unconvincingly.

Just as Applejack was about to say something Rainbow cuts in. "And how do we know you didn't just kill it yourself to eat it? You like…" Her nose scrunches in disgust, "…meat, seems like something you'd do alright."

I lean forward with my forearms on my thighs, "Well then, if it was me then I play with my food."

She cocks her head, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever it was, it didn't eat it. It just… killed it." I shrug, "The chicken might have been diseased or something, I don't know."

Granny, the cowmare, and Mac all look at each other with knowing looks and they all tunred back to me.

Applejack takes a few steps closer, her demeanor seemed to flip like a switch, "Are you sure it didn't eat it?" She asks in a way that reminded me of Celestia and her uneasy knowing gaze.

"As someone who loves fried chicken, yeah, I'm pretty fuckin' sure it didn't eat it." I affirm annoyed at her accusatory tone.

Her face darkens and she turns to the filly, "Apple Bloom, yer not allowed ta go out in the field without one o' us with ya. No more crusader tree house business neither."

The filly starts stuttering, "B-but, Applejack, we need ta rehearse fer the foal pageant tonight! We don't have long and we ain't ready!"

"You can do it anywhere else, just not in the orchard." Applejack turns to her brother, "Watch Apple Bloom, Mac, make sure she doesn't leave yer sight while I'm gone. I'm goin' into town ta talk to the mayor about this."

Big Mac looks at me and blinks like he was thinking, "Before you go, can Ah talk to you fer a sec?" He side eyes me for a moment, "In private?"

She nods and they leave the room leaving a grumpy looking Apple Bloom to sulk in her seat, "Ah can't believe this! Ah finally get a major part in the Ponyville Hearth's pageant and this happens!" She groans as she lays her head on the flour covered table, "Ah'm not gonna know ma lines and Tiara's gonna eat me alive…"

The senile mare pats her granddaughter on the back, "It'll be fine! I'm sure you'll do great!"

"But Ah haven't rehearsed at all! We've been so busy on the farm these past few weeks that I couldn't!" She eyes the door and frowns, "Applejack's just bein' a worrywart…"

"Listen to yer sister, Apple Bloom, she knows what she's talkin' about." Granny tries to comfort but you could tell the filly didn't want to hear it. "You know what will cheer you up?"

She shakes her head, still mad at the news.

She playfully taps her shoulder, "Helpin' me finish these here pies! Ah'm sure yer friends would appreciate a pipin' hot Sweet Apple Acres tart!" The filly's spirits lift a little at that, "Now, c'mon! We ain't got that much time left." Granny cheers as she walks over to the oven.

Apple Bloom takes a few steps to follow her grandmare, but she stops halfway and looks back at me, "You want ta help, Charlie? Spike mentioned you were a pretty good cook."

"Hard pass." I sneer as I wipe my runny nose from the cold.

She cocks her head at me, "Are ya sure? Ya might like it if we-"

"I said, Hard. Pass." I repeat again with more venom to drive my point home.

She shrinks a little at my blunt answer and she sulks slowly towards her relative who didn't seem to hear our conversation. She was far too busy moving pans and pots around to start their baking session to even give me a sparing glance. At least she's not hitting me with her cane again… Fuck you, cunt, I'm not in the mood to fuckin' play chef Boyardee tonight.

Speaking of cunts, Rainbow's just sitting on the other side of the room watching me like some kind of freak. She looks down at my hand that, on top of being bandaged, was now flared red from some burns and her face twists like she was thinking about something. Eventually she just huffs and turns to leave through the side kitchen door, but before she leaves, she gives me one more nasty stare and then the door slams.

Go get lost and stay there, donkey dick. If this was the last time I saw you, it'd still be too soon…

When was the last time I even talked to her? She's been pretty rare these day's and that's fine by me. I think it was two Wednesday's ago at Rarity's right after we made the deal for some new clothes. Turns out I wasn't only one who made a deal as Rainbow turned up right as I started working on the stupid vests for Winter Wrap Up. Which was really convenient as it seemed the seamstress asked her to come to make sure her Winter Wrap Up vest fit perfectly. If you ask me, I think she just wanted Rainbow and I in the same room to make amends after our blow out.

Yeah, that plan went about as well as you expect. We got into a pretty heated argument that lasted for a good while and almost ended with her guts spilled on the floor. If it wasn't for Flash showing up in the nick of time and pulling me away while I was foaming at the mouth, I would've caved her head in with a golf trophy. What the fuck was Rarity thinking?

After the stunt with the hat, she's lucky that the pegasus is still breathing oxygen and not a fuckin' red mess on the floor like that chicken…

The chicken… Ugh, I guess I didn't really need to make a big deal over it, but it seemed like the right thing to do. Whatever's out there, it's dangerous. What if that was little Apple Bloom wandering around alone, not that I really care. I just don't want to deal with the family drama if I have to be here every fuckin' Thursday. It would be 'boo hoo' this and 'waaah my sister' that. Fuck, maybe I am a little too cold-hearted.

Maybe if I-

"Charlie?" My name being whispered causes me to I look over over by the door to see Applejack peaking in. "When you have a moment, can Ah talk to you in the other room? It'll just be a sec."

I sigh and scratch at my beard as I stand up, leaving the busy pair in the kitchen and walk into the other room where the Apple sibling's were waiting for me. At their feet were some bags packed to the brim with what looked like clothes making my brow rise some.

I point a finger at the luggage, "Someone moving?"

Applejack looks at me with a blank expression, "Apple Bloom's gonna be stayin' somewhere for a little while until this mess is sorted."

"Halle-fuckiun'-lujah! One down! Three to go! Haha!" I lean against the door still amused as I look at my nails, "So where's the twerp going? Please tell me she's staying there forever, that would make my day."

"Well, that's where things get…" She stops to think of the right word, "problematic."

"Problematic? Da fuck does that mean?" They look at each other and back to me like they didn't want to say what was on their mind. I put my arms out to the side, "Hello? Equestria to Apple's! Anyone home! I said, what the fuck does that mean?"

Applejack looks at her brother who nods as if to give her permission. She turns back to me, "It's problematic cause it involves you, Charlie."

"It involves me? What? How would it-" I stop myself as I put two and two together and I scowl at her. "No! Don't you dare fuckin' say it."

Despite my warning she continues, "Charlie, I need ya ta bring Apple Bloom with ya to the library for a little while." As I was about to open my mouth to yell at her she quickly interjects, "It ain't permanent, just a week or so until we know it's safe here on the farm."

I chuckle incredulously at how retarded these ponies are, "Do you make a living off of dumb and insane ideas? Cause if you are, then you must be making a killing out there. Probably got a whole ass monopoly on it too from the looks of it."

She nods to her brother, "For yer information, this was all Big Mac's idea, not mine."

I blink at that, "Fuckin' excuse me?" I blink again and stare at the stallion who's staring at me with an expression I can't read as his tail flicks somewhat behind him.

"Ah'm just as surprised as you are, believe me. Seems you impressed my brother somehow today, enough to let ya watch my sister all by yer lonesome." The cowmare looks at her brother quizzically, "Ah still think there's something fishy behind it though, I can smell it…"

The stallion shrugs at her gaze and looks at me again waiting for my assured negative response.

This was beyond being confused. I was honest to God flabbergasted. Why the fuck would he want me anywhere near his sister after I almost killed him. That's, like, the complete opposite of what he should be doing! Like WHAT!?

Applejack takes my silence to continue, "It's just a week. Only until Hearth's Warmin's over with is all we're askin'."

I glare down at her, "I'm not taking care of the brat, period. I already have one and he's been driving me crazy as it is. So, you can take your request and play with yourself with it."

She glares back with equal stout, "Either you take her home now or Ah go get Twilight and you take her home later. Yer choice there, sugarcube." She says in a threatening tone.

That causes me to sputter some, "I-YOU-AH! Fuckin' fine!" I throw my hands up and pace a little before looking at them, "You're all certifiable, you know that?!"

She looked pleased with herself and turns to Big Mac, "I'm leavin' now so I can make it back before the sun goes down, make sure Charlie knows what he's gotta do with her before he leaves." She starts walking towards the door before she turns to me with a small smile, "Ah know you don't want ta do this, but we really do appreciate it. We Apple's always pay back our debts, you can count on that." With that she exits the house, leaving Big Mac and I alone at last.

I turn to the stallion and give him a nasty look, "So, your idea huh?" He looks at me, but doesn't say anything, "Are you just that dense or are your brains in your balls? You better tell me now so I can avoid hitting you there again. The fuck were you thinking? All this over some stupid fuckin' pests…"

Big Mac frowns, but it wasn't an angry one. In fact, it even looked melancholic. His head turns and stares at a picture that was somewhat larger than the others on the wall with what looked like the Apple Family and turns back to me.

"Did you mean what said back there?" He finally asks after a short while.

I shake my head confused by what he meant, "Said what? You gotta be a little more specific, I say a lot of shit, dude."

He takes a few careful steps closer and stops a few feet away, "That you'd do anything fer yer family." I feel my eye twitch hearing that and I clam up tighter than a nun's legs, "Cause that's exactly what Ah'm doin'."

He starts to walk past me and stops as he stares at the picture again before heaving another sigh. He turns back down the hallway towards the kitchen without another word, leaving me alone in the living room alone to process this entirely new situation that I found myself in. I walk over towards the bags and knock it with my foot. I guess I'm going to be brat sitting again. What the fuck, man. Why are these mares trusting me with their kids, I just don't get it. First Rarity and now Applejack? The fuck. At this rate, I'm gonna open a fuckin' daycare and charge out the ass.

The picture that Mac was gawking at pulls my attention and I walk closer to get a better look. The picture was of course of the Apple's grouped together for a family photo and it must have been some time as Applejack was a small little filly, Big Mac was half the size he was now, Apple Bloom was the equivalent of an infant, and Granny looked about 30 years younger with her hair still having some color. When the fuck was this taken? Had to be a lifetime ago...

I view it in better detail I can't help to cock my head as I realize there were two more ponies I hadn't seen before. One was a sand-colored mare with a curly orange mane holding little Apple Bloom. The other was a yellow stallion who looked very similar to Big Mac in size and shape too. Huh, who the fuck are they…

Wait a minute… Why didn't I think of this before. If the three are all sibling's and Granny is, well, their Granny, then where are their parents? They went to go get some orange juice? The voice of Big Mac from earlier replays in my mind giving me the answer.

"Listen here, partner, ah'm gonna say this once and only once; there's been enough tragedy on this farm already…"

Oh… Yeah, I guess that would make sense…

All of a sudden, the many eyes of the photos around the house started giving me the willies and the feeling of claustrophobia started hitting me, so I simply decided to sit out on the porch even though the colds still a bitch. Sometimes, grandma's house can have some sinister undertones to make you feel uncomfortable.

As the cold warped around me as I exited the warm house, I wrap the fucked quilt around me tighter. For real though, this thing is the real MVP of the season let me tell you. I might even keep wearing it when we get home. It's just so fuckin' comfy to have a blanket on at all times. No wonder the Scots wore this shit up in the Highlands, William Wallacing it up. Don't think they had cupcakes on theirs though…

Maybe I could find a better one to-

A huge pile of cold ass snow falls onto my head, making me yelp in surprise as some slides down the back of my shirt. Some laughing could be heard from above me and my brow lowers as my head shrinks into my shoulders in annoyance. Soon enough a smug looking Rainbow floats down and casually flutters midair in full view a few feet away as she oogles her own work with pride.

Her smile grows brighter as she sees my face deteriorate into hatred, "You should've worn a hat, Charlie, oh wait!" she explodes into laughter, "You don't have one anymore!"

I slowly clear my naval cavity and spit at the ground towards her, "Laugh it up, shit head, you'll get yours one day, I assure you."

She waves a dismissive hoof at me, "Pffft like you could even catch me even with both my wings tied behind my back, ape." She eyes me up and down, "besides, it doesn't even look like you can stand with how little you're getting. You look like the wind can knock you over at this rate."

"Oh yeah? Did you think the same thing when I almost delivered you your last package, same day delivery?"

She blinks as she realizes what I'm talking about, "W-wait? You remember our fight?"

I shrug as my plan to get her to grind her teeth into nothing starts to commence, "Bits and pieces, enough to know that I won without much of a headache."

She took offense to the highest degree, "You?! Winning?!" She laughs out, "It was far from easy to put me down, monkey."

Chuckling, I jab a finger towards her, "But you admit you went down though."

She starts stuttering, "I-no you- I mean-" she shakes her head, "I just underestimated those noodles you call hooves and that won't happen again!"

I start imitating a sports announcer, "And the pathetic Rainbow Dash is down for the count against the much more intimidating and skilled six-time champion, Charlie O'Hannah, we all knew the outcome of this fight, just listen to that crowd.

"Grrrr That's not what happened!" Her teach finally start grinding to nothing letting me know I'm already mentally dominating her.

My rant continues as my amusement amplifies, "Is-is Rainbow crying? Yes! Yes, she is! Why it looks like she soiled herself as well! What a sad day indeed for the mediocre pegasus contestant."

She starts fuming, "MEDIOCRE! Why you-"

I feign my good hand on my forehead like Rarity does from time to time, "How far the mighty Rainbow Dash has fallen! Someone find a ladder for her to climb out! What's that? We don't have one long enough? Well, looks like she's going to be in the gutter for the rest of her MEDIOCRE days."

She looks at me a moment and she finally opens her mouth, "At least I can see my friends and family whenever I want, unlike you. If you even have any of them that is. Somepony like you must have nothing."

I chuckle and jab a thumb towards where she and Applejack were talking a moment ago, "Doesn't sound like your friends are gonna last very long if you keep up that lip. How many places are you not allowed around anymore? Please remind me later at the library. Oh wait! Never mind, you're banned HA!"

She drops down to the ground and scowls at me, "And you're banned from more than half the town, idiot!"

"The difference being is that you care about where you can go." I shrug as I tuck the basket in the crook of my arm and stare down at her as she lands, "and you say that like I cared about half the town before I demolished you like the foal you are."

She's now at that kind of anger where no amount of words can convey what's really going on inside her mind and she stares with absolute malice. An anger I know all too well.

"How's Wally doing by the way? You miss him?"

"…What the fuck did you just say?"

She now shrugs as she knows she hit a chord with me, "While you were out in the kitchen you kept moaning on about this Wally pony." She gives me a devilish smile, "'Oh Wally! Come back!' you were screaming! Oh, I wish I took a picture."

Do you know that feeling when you're so angry you don't feel a goddamn thing? Yeah, I'm about there.

I blink at her as I try to calm myself down, "…You know, right before I leave this shit world, you'll be leaving it too and that's a fuckin' promise."

We glare at each other for some time before a voice calls out from down the path, "You two aren't killing each other yet are you? I forgot my popcorn." We both look over to see Flash Sentry smirking at us like he's loving it. "Oh, don't stop on my account, don't want to separate the lovebirds now. It would be a crime against romance."

I groan as I now realize I've created a monster with our banter. I leer at him as I jab a thumb at the barn, "Speaking of lovebirds, the sheep pen is that way, but you know that already don't you, you nasty fuck."

"Oh, aren't you as charming as ever…" He laments as he looks at me.

Rainbow actually seems to agree with me on that one as she too turns on him for the comment, "Isn't foalsitting a little out of your league or are you just that unqualified, tin can?"

He grimaces at her, "I am more than qualified to and I am a royal guard, all we do is foalsit, Mrs. Dash." He smiles playfully at me, "We can even put them in time out too should we require it."

I smirk as I take a seat in Granny's chair, "You wanna bet on that?"

He opens his mouth and it quickly shuts as he realized the low blow I just struck him with.

Rainbow starts laughing at that, "Hahahaha! Oh, he got you good! Er I mean, it wasn't that funny." She seemed to realize who she was laughing with, and she shook out of it as her hate boner returned.

"…I hate all of you," Is what the guard finally replies with and then he turns to me, "Are you ready to depart yet or must you torture me some more?"

"Flash, you should know by now that I always will make time to torture you. It's like breathing at this point." I pick at my ear, "But to answer your question, no not yet. We have some baggage today, buddy."

He cocks his head as does Rainbow, "What do you mean?" He asks.

I sigh and jab a thumb behind me towards the door, "Just go inside and talk to Big Mac, he'll fill you in…"

He looked unsure if this was actually something he had to do or not, but eventually sighed as he walked past me, "This better not be a trick…"

"Oh, if you want tricks just say the word, girlfriend, and I'll give you some tricks." He enters the house with some grumbling leaving me alone with the mare who wants my guts nailed to a tree. "He's an idiot, but at least he's amusing." I turn to the mare and glare, "Unlike you. You're just malignant cunt and that's all you'll ever be."

Before she could respond, Apple Bloom hoots in excitement inside cutting her off. She looks at the door with a mixed face and eventually eyes me some more without saying much. It looked like she wanted to fight me some more, but just shakes her head like something told her otherwise and suddenly takes off into the sky, disappearing into some clouds. Thank fuckin' Christ… The more I talk to her the more I want to let them coyotes out there eat me alive.

Speaking of coyotes, I better go make sure that I have everything for the Shitling. Twilight's already going to lose her mind over this, but just like always, I don't have a choice about this. Story of my fucking life.

I got up and walked towards the door, but something makes me stop and I turn around to stare at the tree line. It felt as though something was watching me, baiting my every move but I didn't see anything. The only thing that stood out was the wind that blew softly against my exposed cheeks. I tucked my quilt in tighter around me and spit towards the trees.

Without another word, I opened the door to the house to pick up my newest stowaway, but not before the words of the stallion hit me again…

Anything for your family…

What a fuckin' joke.