WARNING!
This chapter contains graphic depictions of self-harm and suicide.
How could he do this?
That one question kept swimming around in his brain. It weighed heavier on him with every moment he sat in that uncomfortable plastic hospital chair just waiting for an answer. They were friends, best friends. They were supposed to be at least. They'd both messed up over the years, kept secrets from each other. Had fall outs, but always found their way back again. But this last time had been too much. Once again the question screamed in his ears.
How could he do this?
He knew. He knew and he did nothing. Just sat around idly waiting for the inevitable. He knew, but what was he supposed to do? He knew and it made him guilty. He should have just sliced him with the razor himself.
How could he let his best friend kill himself?
Eddy thumped his head back against the wall. The picture tapered above him shifted slightly from the vibrations. He squeezed the paper coffee cup in his hand. The contents inside rippled. He scrunched his eyes shut and sighed. This just had to be a nightmare and he desperately wanted to wake up from it. He shook his head trying to clear his mind. That scene… what he saw… no one should have to see their best friend like that.
He peered across the small waiting room. Kevin and Nazz were perched in the corner. Kevin had his feet up on the chair and hugged his knees close to him. His hat was crooked and he had smudges of blood on his cheek and his clothes were still saturated. Eddy couldn't see all the blood currently, but he knew it was was so much blood, more blood than he thought possible to be contained in a body.
Eddward's body.
Eddward's blood.
He shuddered as he tried to get the images out of his mind.
Nazz was sitting beside Kevin, her hand rubbing soothing circles on his back as she comforted him the best she could. She was murmuring sweet little nothings to him, but none of it mattered. Nothing she said could make any of this right. Nothing about this could ever be right. There was blood on the front of her shirt from hugging Kevin. It was ironic really. They all knew about Dee and they all shared part in this tragedy. It was only right they wear the blood of the one they let down.
The clock on the wall ticked slowly indicating the passage of time. And with more ticks and tocs came nothing. Eddy needed answers. He slammed his head back harder than he meant to and swore under his breath. Nazz and Kevin both looked up at him. Nazz's eyes were sad and heavy. Kevin's were bloodshot and puffy from crying. Eddy could only imagine what he looked like in his current condition. He looked down at his clothes. Blood was splattered on his shirt and his jeans were completely soaked. The sleeve of his shirt was haphazardly ripped in a last ditch effort to stop Eddward's arm from bleeding.
The door to the waiting room burst open and a disheveled Marie barreled through.
"What happened?" She cried out as her eyes scanned the room and took in the shape of everyone. She sauntered over to Eddy, deflated as the adrenaline seemed to wear off.
"Tell me what happened? Is there any update?" She asked as she played with her fingers.
"How did you even know?" Eddy asked dejectedly.
Pain splashed across Marie's face, but Nazz spoke before she could answer.
"I called her, Dee would want her here."
Marie looked to Nazz, "Thank you," she said sadly as their eyes met.
"What he would want doesn't really seem to matter anymore, does it." Eddy said in a broken voice that didn't even seem like it could come from him.
"He… Oh my God. He didn't make… he… no. This can't be happening." Marie said as her knees began to tremble and she fell to the ground, fresh tears springing to life on her cheeks as she buried her head in her hands.
Nazz got up and rushed to her side. "No, sweetie. We don't know anything yet. The doctor still hasn't come in." She said as she cradled Marie in her arms and sent a scathing, but sad look at Eddy.
Marie breathed a strangled sigh of relief as she started to cry harder into Nazz's embrace.
"I… I just don't understand why he did this? How could he do this-" Marie started and then Eddy cut her off.
"Because he was miserable and depressed. Because he hated his life." Eddy said as he finally squished his cup of cold coffee.
The coffee splashed over his hand as he upended the cup against the wall. His hands shook angrily as he saw the specks of blood that still remained, the ones he missed while washing his hands. He shook his hands angrily then raked his hands through his hair and down the front of his face pulling at his eyelids in the process. He rubbed his hands aggressively over his face again and again as he turned from the group and began to pace the short distance to the door and back again.
"God, I was so stupid. So fucking stupid.I knew, I fucking knew. And I did nothing." His eyes darted to his friends. "We all knew. We all knew and we did nothing!" He yelled angrily.
"That's not true," Nazz said, trying to stay positive. "He knew you cared and-"
"And what good did that fucking do?" Eddy screamed, his voice cracking. "My best friend lied to my face as he continued to cut himself. He lied to me over and over again. And I just let him. I let him because I thought it was better to sit back and pretend everything was okay rather than get him help. Real help. We all knew and we did nothing. We fucking failed him."
Nazz looked at Eddy with hurt and despair. He was hurting so hard and there was nothing she could do or say to ease that burden for him.
After being unnaturally quiet for so long, Kevin finally spoke. "He's right." Kevin said as he coughed and swallowed the lump in his throat.
"How could you say that?" Marie asked in denial of the reality of their situation.
"I knew. I knew for a long time and I stayed quiet. I saw the scars. I saw the changes in his personality. I just played along. Smiled and acted like everything was okay. I was part of the problem." Kevin said. "And I created more problems for him. Things were better off before we got together. He was better. He managed everything better. I just fucked it all up. I pushed him over the edge. It was me."
Kevin squeezed his knees tighter and buried his head into them.
"Kev, this isn't on you-" Nazz began, but he cut her off.
"I told him to fuck off. That I was done with him, Nazz. You told me to wait until I was sober and I was stupid and reckless and I just wanted to get some answers. Instead of listening to him I snapped and… next thing I know… it was me. We were on the phone. We'd just talked. It was me. I was probably the last person he talked to. God, it's all my fault."
Eddy stopped his pacing and looked at Kevin. He was so far gone and defeated. It would be easy to blame Kevin. It was even easy to blame Marie. It was so easy, too easy even. And yet, it wasn't fair. They didn't do this. No, not them.
"Dee saw Jensen earlier tonight." Eddy said as he hung his head in shame.
Kevin's head snapped up. "What?!" He cried out as he got to his feet and scrambled over to Eddy's side. At the same time Marie cried out. "How? When?"
"I- I don't know the details. He said Jensen just wanted to talk. But that's probably what triggered him."
"Tom, was telling the truth." Kevin said, his eyes bugging out of his head as he turned to look at Nazz. "That fucker wasn't trying to get under my skin. He actually meant it."
Marie seemed to pale at the mention of Tom, but quickly pulled herself together. She jumped up to her feet and stood before Eddy, "How could you let him go see him. We all know what he's capable of. They never should have been alone together. Who knows what could have happened."
Eddy scoffed angrily at her. "I'm not his keeper. He calls you more than me. You should've known."
Marie narrowed her eyes at him, "Well he called you! If it was me I wouldn't have let him go alone!"
"I didn't have a say in the matter! By the time he told me Jensen was already dead!"
A gasp escaped Nazz's lips. Kevin blinked in disbelief. And Marie just stared at him as if she didn't understand what he had just said.
Eddy took a deep breath. "He called me earlier tonight and told me he needed my truck. I wouldn't let him take it without telling me where he was going. So I brought him to Jensen's house. I just didn't realize it was his at first. When we got there a body bag was being loaded into an ambulance. Dee had seen him before he killed himself. I don't know all the details and I didn't bother to ask. As far as I was concerned Dee's biggest threat was gone. I just didn't think he'd unravel like this." Eddy said as he clenched his hand. "I should have stayed with him. Dammit. I shouldn't have left him alone. I knew he-" Eddy stopped before he could finish his sentence.
"Knew he what?" Marie asked, her face turning pale once more.
"I asked if he was going to cut. I straight out asked him. And he… he said not right now. I should have known. He told me. He basically told me that he was. It was all in his wording. I knew it. I fucking knew it." Eddy said as he turned and stalked to the wall and punched it as hard as he could. "He outwardly told me and I was so grateful for the truth I just let it be. We were finally on good terms again. He felt like he could trust me. And I just let him… I might as well have been the one to cut him myself."
He retracted his arm and punched again. His fist collided into the drywall and dust sprayed out from the contact. Soft hands circled around him and squeezed him lightly. He found himself lost in that embrace. It was the first time she'd actually reached out to be physical with him first since he punched Dee the previous month. He let her warm arms envelope him for a moment as he leant back into her, but didn't put all his weight on her.
"It's not your fault. You couldn't have known," she whispered into his ear.
"Didn't you just hear me, he told me." He said in a broken voice.
"Yes, but there's no way you could've known this would be the outcome. If you really thought he would try to kill himself you would've done more. I've seen how angry you get when it comes to him. I know you. You would've done everything in your power to stop him." She said, trying her hardest to make him believe her words.
"But what if I did know. What if I knew and let it happen because I wanted it to all stop."
She pulled at him so he'd turn to face her and for the first time since this whole ordeal started she saw his eyes well up with unshed tears.
"Stop. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. You're looking for someone to blame and you're trying to justify what happened. Eddy I saw the scene. You jumped into action. You were the one who stopped the bleeding." She said, gesturing to his torn sleeve. "You took charge and did everything in your power to save him. You are the best friend that he needs. You need to be strong right now and have hope."
Eddy gave her a weak smile as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Thanks, Nazz."
She smiled sadly at him as she leaned forward to kiss him lightly on the cheek. Eddy grabbed her hand tenderly as he walked them back over to Marie and Kevin who were talking quietly amongst themselves. Nazz allowed him to continue holding her hand as he addressed Kevin.
"What did Tom say to you exactly?"
"What does it matter now?" Kevin answered dejectedly.
"I'm just trying to piece together what happened."
"What does he have to do with anything?" Marie asked as she stared at the floor, refusing to meet anyone's gaze.
Kevin squeezed her arm lightly. "I'm sorry. You don't deserve what he did to you and I'm glad you had Dee."
"I don't understand, why are you apologizing to me?" Marie asked.
"I'm not going to say what he said. That's between you and Dee, but I was jealous. I thought there was something more going on between you two. Tom told me things and after hearing him say those things I wish I would've let Dee beat the crap outta him." Kevin finished and then looked at Eddy, "Tom had been watching Dee since winter break started. Knew what time he'd go to the gym and everything. Said he gave Jensen his school ID so he could get into the gym. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer. That's when Nazz called you. I just assumed since you saw him that Tom was lying. I… I said all that shit to him after he saw Jensen."
"This happened because of me? All because Tom was jealous of him." Marie said sadly as she hung her head in disbelief.
"Enough. I'm done with all of you blaming yourselves." Nazz exclaimed and she squeezed Eddy's hand tighter, "none of you did this. There was no way anyone here could have known what was going to happen tonight."
A silence fell upon the group as they all stood there pondering the events of the night.
Eddy felt uneasy after dropping Dee off at his house. Something wasn't sitting right with him as he laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling. He had this aching pull in his gut that something was seriously wrong and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't shake the feeling. He rolled onto his side and grabbed his phone. He looked up Dee's number and hit the call button.
"Hello you have reached the voicemail box of-"
Straight to voicemail. He sat upright and threw on his shoes. His gut was telling him something was wrong. He quickly exited his house and made the short trek across the Cul-de-sac to Dee's house. He rang the doorbell and was met with uncomfortable silence from within. He rang the buzzer once more as an uneasy feeling of dread washed through him. He started banging on the door at the same time Kevin's door opened from across the street.
"Ayo, Dee! Open up!" He yelled as he pounded hard on the door.
"Eddy?" Nazz called from Kevin's front porch.
Eddy turned to see her and Kevin. "Dee's phone is dead and he's not answering his phone." Eddy called back to them as he turned and banged on the door harder. "Dee!"
Nazz seemed to whisper something to Kevin and he disappeared back into the house only to reappear a few short moments later and they started walking across the Cul-de-sac. They quickly ascended the porch steps and Kevin handed Eddy the spare key. Eddy raised his eyebrow in amazement, but quickly grabbed it and shoved it into the lock. He quickly opened the door and called out again into the darkness.
"Dee?!"
The house was eerily quiet and Eddy felt a wave of nausea wash over him. This wasn't right. Something was seriously wrong here. Eddy wasted no time and bolted to the stairs leaving Nazz and Kevin standing at the entrance. He took the stairs two at a time and rounded the corner into the bathroom, not even bothering to check the bedroom. What he saw would forever be ingrained in his memory for the rest of his life.
"Call 911!"
There was blood, so much blood and it was everywhere. The tub was overflowing onto the floor. A red sea of pain and misery cascaded over the edge like a waterfall of despair crying onto the tile floor. Reds of every shade and hue blended in different puddles of water on the floor as more trails of vibrant crimson poured over to join. A body with a pale and waxy complexion laid peacefully in the tub with an ever present black beanie on its head. The mirror was broken and glass shards along with more droplets of blood trailed to the tub.
Eddy sprung into action as he heard thunderous footsteps pounding up the stairs behind him. He grabbed his best friend's limp and fragile body from under the armpits and dragged him out of his water casket, being careful of the arm that had painted this dreadful scene. More water splashed out and Eddy nearly fell as Kevin appeared behind him to help take Eddward's weight.
"Oh my God, Eddward!" Kevin cried as he grabbed at Eddward's lifeless body. He cradled his head gently against his chest as he cried saying everything and nothing at all.
"Kevin, focus!" Eddy yelled as he ripped the sleeve of his shirt and got down on his knees beside Eddward's lifeless body. "Does he have a pulse?" He asked as he wrapped the piece of fabric around Eddward's arm tightly.
Kevin clutched at Eddward tighter and the tears came harder.
"Kevin, check his pupils!" Eddy yelled as he tried to yank Eddward away from Kevin, but he wouldn't budge.
"Kevin!" He cried out as loud as he could and Kevin's puffy red eyes looked up to meet him.
"I know you're scared, but I need you here. Lay him on the floor. Hold his head in your lap. I need to put pressure on this. Put your fingers to his neck and tell me he has a fucking pulse. This is all for nothing if he's already gone."
Eddward wasn't gone. No he couldn't be. He was here. He was right here.
Kevin obediently obeyed and shifted Eddward so his head was resting comfortably on his lap. He put his fingers to Eddward's neck with one hand and with the other he opened Eddward's eyelid.
"Eddward, babe, you gotta wake up. You have to be okay." He whispered in a broken voice.
Kevin saw his pupil dilate slightly when the bright overhead light of the bathroom made contact.
"Nazz, the closet in the hallway has towels. Grab'em. All of them." Eddy yelled as he continued to apply pressure to Eddward's arm.
Kevin looked up and noticed Nazz standing in the doorway. Her face was ghostly white as she surveyed the scene in front of her. Her phone was cradled against her chest and her arm slowly began to fall further away until she dropped the phone on the floor.
"Hello? Miss, are you still there?" the 911 operator echoed on the other end of the line.
There was so much blood. It was like a scene from the worst horror movie imaginable. Oh God. This was real life. It was actually happening.
"Nazz! Towels! Now!" Eddy yelled, breaking her out of her stance and she dashed back out into the hallway.
She returned a moment later with a tower of stark white towels folded to perfection. She dropped to her knees beside Eddy, ignoring the eerily warm liquid dampening her clothing. Eddy took a towel and wrapped it around his makeshift bandage as tight as he could.
"Cover him with the others. We need to get him warm," he ordered and she complied and quickly covered Eddward up.
"Where's that fucking ambulance?!" Eddy called out and Nazz scrambled back to the door where her discarded phone laid.
"Edd, please. This can't be it. This isn't how it ends for you. Please, I need you. God, I fucking need you. Do you hear me, Eddward?! I love you, you can't die." He cried as he hugged Eddward's head tightly.
The beanie had long been discarded and Kevin raked his fingers through Eddward's hair wishing with everything he had for a fucking Christmas miracle.
Sirens wailed faintly in the background as Eddy continued squeezing Eddward's arm. "I think the bleeding's stopped." He said and his head snapped up as he heard the sirens approaching. "Nazz, go outside. Tell them we're in here. Hurry!" Eddy screamed and Nazz jumped to her feet and bolted out of the bathroom.
Eddy crawled up closer to Eddward's face and stroked his cheek lightly. "They're almost here Dee, you just gotta hang on a little bit longer."
Kevin sniffled and coughed as he turned his attention to Eddy, "He's going to be okay, right? The bleeding stopped and you said he did this before. He's going to be okay, right? Right?" Kevin asked, looking for affirmation.
Eddy let his head fall as he heard Nazz's voice at the foot of the stairs along with those of people he didn't recognize.
"We're in here!" Kevin cried out, "Hurry!"
The EMTs arrived quickly and pushed Eddy to the side as they began to load Eddward onto the stretcher.
Kevin was almost reluctant to let him go at first, but he felt the fight leave his body as one of them gently took Eddward from his arms.
"His arm," Eddy began, "please be careful of his arm."
"We've got it from here kids." One of them said as the stretcher was pushed out of the bathroom and two men carried it down the stairs.
Kevin stood and took one final look at the bathroom. What if this was all that would ever remain of Eddward? He sighed as he turned to follow Nazz and Eddy down the stairs and out of the house. He was quickly being loaded into the ambulance where another EMT started an IV drip on Eddward's good arm.
"He's B-" Eddy asked and the girl in the ambulance looked at him and nodded.
"Eddy go," Nazz said as she nudged him toward the back of the ambulance. "You know everything about him. Go with them. Kevin and I will follow." Nazz said as Eddy fumbled in his pocket for the keys to his truck and then shoved them in her hand.
"Come on son. If you're coming, get in." One of the men said as he shut one of the back doors to the ambulance.
Eddy didn't need to be told again.
The clock on the wall continued to tick and toc. Back and forth. The same repetitive notion as time drew on.
The door opened and a man with scrubs on entered the room holding a clipboard. "I'm looking for the family of Eddward Vincent." He said in a gruff voice.
Eddy turned to stand before the man. "Please tell me he's alive."
The doctor looked at Eddy and then the other kids. "Are his parents here?"
Eddy felt his heart sink. This couldn't be good news.
"I tried to call them." Eddy said as he reached into his pocket and grabbed Dee's cell phone. "They haven't answered."
"I see, and you are?"
Simultaneously Eddy said, "his best friend," as Marie said, "his brother."
Eddy turned to look at Marie. "He's his family." Marie said and Eddy was more grateful to her in that moment than he'd ever be able to express to her.
He mouthed a quick, "thank you," as he turned back to look at the doctor.
"He's my brother, my best friend. Our parents aren't answering." Eddy answered as the doctor opened the door behind and ushered Eddy through.
They walked down a long hallway in silence. The air smelt of disinfectant and bleach. Eddy could hear beeping and nurses chattering near monitors as they passed. When they got to the end there was a pair of locked doors that required a key code and then the doctor swiped his badge.
"Right this way," he began, "he's currently in intensive care. We're keeping him in a medically induced coma for the time being."
"But he's alive." Eddy breathed a sigh of relief. "He's going to be okay."
"Yes, pending a psych eval once he wakes." The doctor began and took a deep breath, "I need you to prepare yourself. He's still quite pale from the blood loss and he's in restraints. We won't know of any long term damage until he wakes."
"Are the restraints really necessary?" Eddy asked. "Hasn't the damage already been done."
The doctor rubbed at his face, "well in cases like these we won't know when he wakes what his immediate reaction will be. Some patients may try to hurt themselves once they figure out the attempt on their life wasn't successful. We can't take that chance. He did lose quite a bit of blood so the sedation will keep him asleep so he can regain his strength. We won't know if he did any major nerve damage until he's awake."
Eddy swallowed hard. "Make sure you send in the best you have to do the psych eval."
"We will." The doctor began, "were you the one who rode in with him?"
Eddy nodded sadly. "I was. I was the first one there. I did everything I could think of."
"He arrived here with his arm tied by a scrap of fabric to stop the bleeding. That was fast thinking that probably saved his life. He's lucky to have a friend like you. You can go in and sit with him if you'd like. I'll have a nurse bring you some scrubs to change into and get some to your friends as well."
Eddy nodded and the doctor walked away.
Eddy had his hands buried deep in his pockets as he stared through the glass window at his friend. Was Eddward really lucky to have a friend like him?