Ch. 4 Just Easier than Dealing with the Pain
(CLARE)
"Clare, can I see you for a moment?" Professor Fielding asks. I wait for the others to leave and go to her desk; I'll have to get the bus back toward Riverdale soon and then run the block and half to school probably.
I'm at my presentation and speech writing course at Centennial. I had personally written to Professor Fielding, essentially pleading with her to let me into the class. She accepted to my relief, I was able to catch up and turn in all the assignments I had missed in the first two weeks. I liked the class and her, the work was relatively easy. I didn't have any friends in the class, but I don't want any, I just want to stay busy.
"You're doing well Clare; I was a little worried the workload would be too much for a high school student. Your letter was so compelling and well written I figured it was worth the risk. Your work is some of the best in the class. I would encourage you to take some more courses, are you aware the school offers some intensive bootcamps over the holiday and summer breaks?"
"Yes Ma'am, I did see that. Thank you, I will look into those; I have to get back to school though."
"Of course, keep up the good work Clare," Professor Fielding smiles.
I thank her and leave class racing to the bus stop. I barely catch the bus and spend the ride making notes for my Degrassi Daily articles. I could have taken the truck this morning, but I've only had about an hour of sleep in the last two days. I was worried that I'd crash and told Jake I was meeting Asher for an article, and he'd bring me back to school. If not for all the coffee and energy drinks I've been consuming my family might realize how little sleep I've been getting.
Then again Mom and Glen didn't even seem aware that I wasn't sleeping while we were at my grandparents for Thanksgiving. We went up Sunday afternoon and stayed for dinner Monday, returning Monday night. At my grandparent's I slept a total of two hours and that was on the drive. Jake was sleeping in the den, I was in the living room, the TV was on all night, and I was on my laptop all night. Thankfully, I haven't seen Adams or Asher in over a week. Despite not seeing him both Adams and Asher have invaded my dreams when I do manage to sleep.
The bus pulls over at my stop and I get off. I start walking fast, almost running, but I just don't have the energy. I'm moving so fast I'm not being very careful and when someone comes out of a shop, I bump right into them. I almost fall but he catches my arms, as soon as he touches me, I rip my arms away. Far too familiar with his slimy touch. I stand back and look at Asher, glaring at him but petrified at the same time.
"Hello Clare, keeping your mouth shut like a good girl?" Asher asks in a licentiously disgusting tone as he roves his eyes over me.
I want to talk, to tell him he's a disgusting pig. To scream at him that he's a horrid pedophile and should be castrated. I want to slap him, but I can't seem to get my mouth to open. My feet will move though, and I clench my fists and start to walk past him. He grabs my arm and leans down, his lips sickeningly close to my ear.
"Remember mouth shut and you'll be rewarded with recommendations, speak one word about it to anyone and I'll make sure you regret it. I know everyone in this industry, I'll tell everyone you came onto me. I'll make it follow you your whole life. You'll never work in journalism," Asher's malicious threat is followed by his lips lightly touching down to my earlobe.
He releases my arm and I run, I get to the woods behind the bus stop that leads to the ravine, and I throw up. After wiping my mouth I start walking to school, I'm almost at the front steps when I see Adam driving in. He parks Drew's car and runs over walking into the school with me.
"How was co-op?" Adam asks. The mention of co-op makes me shiver inadvertently as I feel Asher's grip on my arm again and his lips on my earlobe. Adam doesn't seem to notice.
"Good, how was yours?"
"Great, I'm learning so much," Adam grins.
"Yeah, me too," I nod, trying to swallow back the bile that builds in my throat. "I have to meet Drew for tutoring, see you in biology."
I walk quickly from Adam and straight to Betenkamp's classroom. Drew is here with his lunch. I sit down at the desk next to him and take his book to see what he's working on.
"Where's your lunch?" Drew asks.
"Took the bus this morning, ate on the way back," I shrug. I haven't actually, last thing I ate was a little dinner last night. After Asher accosted me and I threw up I really have no appetite. Drew studies me a minute and then continues eating while I break down the problems for his homework. After lunch we walk to art together. When that's over Drew walks me to biology. Mr. Betenkamp gives us a project due on Monday, and Adam and I get paired together.
"You want to come over tomorrow to work on the project? If you stay long enough you could probably tutor Drew again," Adam says when class is over.
"Can't right after school I have to get the newspaper together for Friday's edition. I have some lab hours to fulfill, and a dance class, then homework a…"
"You plan to do all that tomorrow afternoon? When do you plan to sleep? Sounds like you have every minute of your day scheduled," Adam says, cutting me off.
"It's not that much Adam, really. Anyway, I like to keep busy," I shrug.
"How about today then? Drew had football this morning, I think the newspaper could do without you for a day," Adam comments. I open my mouth to say no, but Liam speaks first.
"There's not much to do in the meeting, the layout is already done. Go home with Adam," Liam asserts.
"That's settled then, come on," Adam comments, taking my arm.
We go out to Drew's car, looks like Dallas is coming home as well. Dallas and Adam give me the front seat. The boys do all the talking on the drive and I feel my eyelids getting heavy. Thankfully, it's a short drive to the Torres house, Drew parks and we go in through the basement. We go in and I settle onto the sofa, the boys get a snack. Adam and I start on our project. After a few minutes Drew puts on the TV, and I feel my eyes start getting heavy again. Drew and Dallas are talking, and Adam is saying something about our project, but my eyes start to drift close.
(ADAM)
"Then I think we should…" I'm saying and I look over at Clare to see that she's fast asleep. I know she's exhausted, I'm not sure she's sleeping but she always says she is. "Clare fell asleep, can one of you carry her up to my room? I don't want to wake her, if she stays asleep, I'll just sleep on my floor tonight and we won't tell Mom and Dad," I remark.
"I'll get her, grab her backpack so Mom and Dad don't know she was here," Drew says.
He picks her up in his arms and I take her backpack, slinging it over my shoulder. Then I run ahead to open the door to the upstairs. Mom is at a school board meeting, or she'd be home. Drew carries her up to my room and lies her on my bed. I set her backpack down next to the bed, and make sure that her phone is nearby. Meanwhile Drew has taken off her shoes and covered her with the throw blanket on the end of my bed. We return downstairs and I decide I had better text Jake.
Me: Clare fell asleep. I know she's exhausted. We put her in my bed. If she stays asleep, we'll keep her here and I'll sleep on my floor.
Jake: At least, she's getting some sleep. Thanks Adam, I'll cover for her.
His reply pretty much confirms my suspicions that she's not sleeping at home. I don't ask though, I put my phone down and do the rest of my homework. I also do as much work on the project as I can, hoping it will keep Clare from trying to do it.
Mom gets home later than expected and she picked up dinner. We eat together and I help Drew with some of his homework. We wait until Mom and Dad are in bed and Drew helps me make a bed on my floor. We're quiet but Clare remains out, it's like her body finally crashed from exhaustion. I get ready for bed, shower, get into the makeshift bed on the floor and fall asleep pretty quickly.
Only to be woken by a blood curdling scream some time later. I realize it's Clare screaming, and I jump up getting on the bed. I wrap Clare in my arms, and she breaks down, sobbing on my chest.
"It's okay Clare, you're safe," I assure her just as my bedroom door bursts open. Mom, Dad and Drew all stand in my doorway. I even hear Dallas running up from the basement, Clare must have screamed that loud.
"What in heavens is going on?" Mom asks, looking into the room and Drew comes over turning on my bedside lamp. If he puts on the overhead light, it will be too bright. When the light comes on, Mom and Dad can finally see it's Clare sobbing in my arms.
"She fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon; we didn't want to wake her. We told Jake and Adam was sleeping on his floor," Drew tells them. I see Dallas behind my parents, he looks around the room and let's out a breath.
I feel Clare take a deep trembling breath on my chest. I squeeze her a bit tighter and rub her back. I think she's trying to calm down enough to speak. Another deep breath and she pulls her head away from my chest to talk.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake everyone up, it was just a nightmare," she says sniffling. "I didn't mean to fall asleep here, I should get home." She tries to move and get up but I hold her tight.
"It's one in the morning Clare, we told Jake you were sleeping here, you're not going home now," I tell her.
"Yes, you can sleep in Adam's room tonight, he can sleep on the sofa in the basement, now that we know you're here," Dad responds.
"I'm sorry," she apologizes again.
"Don't worry about it now Dear, just get some sleep," Mom tells her. Then Mom looks at me, "In the basement in five minutes Adam."
"Yeah Mom," I nod. Mom and Dad linger a moment before leaving my room. "Do you want to talk about the nightmare?" I ask Clare.
"No, I…I don't remember it," she says but hesitates. I think she does remember, but doesn't want to talk and it's late, I don't want to press. "I'll be okay, thanks for letting me sleep here. I hope you can all get back to sleep."
"We hope you can Clare, c'mon Adam, I'll help you get your bedding downstairs," Dallas says.
I release Clare and Dallas helps me get my pillow and bedding. Drew gives Clare a concerned look before leaving the room and he goes into the washroom. I tell Clare to come get me if she needs me. She nods and I leave the room, I follow Dallas downstairs and we set up a bed for me on the sofa. Dallas goes into his room, and I lie down, but sleep doesn't come. I'm worried about Clare, not sleeping, a nightmare and a blood curdling scream, a schedule so busy I don't think anyone could keep up with it. I wish I knew what was wrong with my best friend.
(DREW)
I come out of the washroom and the house is quiet again. Mom and Dad's door is closed, the house is dark, even Adam's door is closed, but I can hear sobbing inside. I don't want to knock because my parents might hear it, so I open the door and go in.
"Clare? You, okay?" I question, my eyes have to adjust a little, but I see her on the bed. She's sitting up with her knees to her chest and her arms around them.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just having trouble getting back to sleep after the nightmare," she replies but her voice is shaking as she sobs.
"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" I question sitting on the bed and putting my arm around her.
"I don't remember the nightmare; I just can't get back to sleep. Would you mind sitting with me for a while? At least until I'm tired," Clare pleads softly.
"Yeah, sure," I nod.
I sit back, settling onto Adam's bed. After a moment Clare moves, slowly settling back next to me. When it's silent for a moment I start talking about band and football. The band only gets to practice once or twice a week, but it's fun and we've got three songs written and practiced. After a little while of talking about football I feel Clare get heavy on the bed and I know she's asleep. I get up slowly, and quietly return to my room, even though I want to stay with Clare. I go back to my room and lie down; it takes over an hour for me to fall asleep.
When I wake up the next morning and go down to the kitchen Mom tells me Clare is using the shower in their room. I sit down to eat breakfast with Dallas and Adam, Mom is having coffee and Dad is already at work. When the doorbell rings Mom answers it and I look over to see Jake following Mom into the kitchen.
"I'll take these clothes up to Clare and see how she's doing," Mom says, taking the bag from Jake's hands.
"I'm glad she got some sleep, I hear her up almost every night," Jake tells us when Mom is upstairs.
"She did until she woke the whole house screaming bloody murder after a nightmare," Dallas informs him.
"Yeah, had trouble getting back to sleep after that even though she said she couldn't remember the nightmare," I tell him. Jake looks about as worried as I feel, and my brother seems to have lost his appetite. "We'll bring her to school with us," I tell him.
"Thanks, see you guys at school," Jake nods.
He leaves and Mom comes downstairs a moment later. Clare comes downstairs a few moments after that, she's dressed and ready for school. She sits down and makes a small bowl of cereal for breakfast. We drive to school in silence, but it's almost tense, we all want to ask Clare what's wrong, but no one wants to say it.
"I'm just going to catch the bus to co-op," Clare says when we park at school.
"Adam can take my car and drive you both," I say.
"Yeah, come on Clare, let's go in, I need to get to my locker, and I'll drop you off," Adam says.
"Okay," she nods. She seems hesitant though, and I'm sure it isn't hesitation to have Adam drive her.
We walk inside together but they part from us, and I don't see Clare again until lunch when she tutors me. I ask her again about the nightmare, but she still says she doesn't remember. I watch her all through art class, I walk her to biology, and after school I see her in the Degrassi Daily office on my way to football practice.
Forcing Clare out of my mind I concentrate on football practice. We have a game tomorrow, so I put my all into it. Clare next enters my mind when I'm in the shower after practice. Really not the best of times for Clare to come back to my mind. She stays on my mind for the rest of the night. I can barely concentrate on my homework because of it, don't eat very much, and go to bed early, only I don't sleep much.
When my alarm goes off, I almost throw my phone across the room. It's early, but we have a game tonight, so we have practice this morning. I groan and get up, and get dressed, Mom is up and has breakfast for me. Which is good because I would likely have just grabbed a granola bar. Mom says she'll bring Dallas and Adam to school. They know that when I have morning practice, they can get up with me or Mom will bring them. I'm about to turn on the little road that leads to the school when I see Clare coming out of The Dot. I pull up next to her, she twists her mouth but gets in the car.
"I could have walked," she remarks after buckling up.
"Did you walk to The Dot this early?" I question.
"I live a couple blocks away," she replies as I begin driving.
"It's early, you shouldn't be walking. Wake Jake or call me, hell call Owen or Fitz," I scold her.
"I'm not waking anyone to drive me a couple of blocks. I'm not helpless Drew," she replies with her eyes narrowed.
"I would never think you were helpless Clare; it just isn't a good idea to walk alone that early. I wouldn't let Adam do it and I don't like the idea of you doing it," I tell her.
"I'm fine Drew," she replies. She only sounds slightly less annoyed.
"Yeah, you keep insisting on that. Every time someone asks that seems to be your answer. The thing is you don't seem fine, you're hardly sleeping, your schedule is busy, not just busy, extremely busy," I comment.
"I'm fine Drew," she snaps. She's clearly annoyed and not going to tell me anything. We're also at school now, so I'll drop it for now.
She gets out of the car, and we walk inside together. She parts from me when I turn for the locker room. I really hope she talks to someone soon.
(CLARE)
"You make one sexy vampire," Eli comments. His voice picking up just a hint of lust.
"I don't know whether to hit you or thank you," I shoot back.
"I'll go see how the others are doing before you decide to do either," Eli comments and I shake my head.
It's Saturday October 31st, Halloween, and the school is hosting a carnival. There's outside booths with games, and we rented a train that's giving rides around the east part of the parking lot. The football field has been set up as a kid friendly haunted maze. The kids can go inside the school and trick-or-treat. There's a stage set up and several musical acts. Including Adam and Drew's band, they finally decided on Euphonious as their name. It means; having a pleasantly flowing quality suggestive of music. There will be a costume contest later, and one of the booths lets the kids decorate marshmallows and caramel apples.
Originally, I hadn't planned on coming, but when Adam told me they were playing I decided I should come and support my friends. So, I told Fiona I would help out, had to adjust my schedule a little, but it actually was a good thing.
All the volunteers were supposed to be in costume, I didn't have one, so I called Eli, he said he could easily turn me into a vampire. He said he was going as a vampire as well, a vampire from the 50's. He was basically dressed as a greaser with vampire teeth. With makeup he made himself a little paler, a little more eyeliner, and his fangs (the good kind that stick on your teeth) painted red at the tips, with a drop of fake blood at the corner of his mouth.
Since Eli was going as a 50's vampire I figured I'd do the same. Fiona had a poodle skirt she lent me, a really nicely made one too. The skirt is light blue with black trim. She also leant me two black scarves that she got in Paris, they look very 50's though. I have one around my neck and one around the ponytail in my hair. I had a black button up blouse already, it's collared and looks 50's when put with the skirt and everything. My black ballet flats and some makeup complete the outfit.
Eli did my eyes and I used a cheap foundation in a tone too light for my skin to make me look paler. Eli had an extra pair of good fangs, he dyed the tips red like his. Something he did several days ago so they would dry for the carnival. I've got a drop of blood on my mouth as well.
We all met at the school to get ready and almost all the volunteers are getting ready in the auditorium. As Eli dashes away I look at the final results in the mirror, I look quite good actually, and it's a comfortable costume. Some of the kids in here are wearing things I'm sure are going to get uncomfortable as they work booths for the next five hours. We could dress as we wanted with a few exceptions, nothing too revealing, this was not a private party it was a carnival that the public was invited to. No derogatory or hurtful costumes, they had to be respectful. Finally, no weapons, of any kind, even if they were fake, because we were still on school grounds.
"Alright everyone," Fiona says going on stage. She organized the event and she's student council president this year. She was going to be vice president, but Katie's parents forced her to resign while she was in rehab. They worried that she wouldn't be able to handle the responsibility and school. "Everyone has their assignments, we'll be opening soon. While we have posted that this goes until ten it will probably be more like ten-thirty before everyone is gone. Then we need to clean up, so don't expect to leave here before eleven. Also, remember that while this is geared toward smaller children some older children or even teenagers may come. As long as they pay to get in they can enjoy the festivities. The children must also come with an adult. If you have any issues Principal Simpson & the teachers will be circulating. Everyone get to your posts, we open in ten minutes."
We all file out of the auditorium and start dispersing to our booths or classrooms. I'm working the beanbag toss game, where the kids toss bean bags at a piece of plywood carved out and painted like a jack-o-lantern. There are holes at the eyes, nose and mouth, each one is worth a different amount of points. There are candy and prize baskets for point levels. Each kid gets two beanbags per ticket. Dallas is working the milk bottle toss game in the booth next to me. Eli, Adam and Drew are all down the row a bit from us.
The gates open and a flood of people come in, costumed kids running to booths or inside to trick-or-treat. Parents, some in costumes and some not, running after the kids, telling them to slow down. Some teenagers wander through, though they seem to be more interested in the students running the booths than the games and prizes. I even see a few adults that seem to be alone, and actually playing the games.
The carnival seems to be going well, everyone is having a good time, my booth is pretty popular. I have a steady stream of players. When I finally have a small break I go behind the jack-o-lantern cutout to pick up the bean bags on the ground and restock the tub.
"How adorably innocent you look," the depraved voice slithers into my ear and I shiver.
I drop the last of the bean bags in the tub, looking up slowly. I already know who the voice belongs to, but when my eyes look up and meet Asher's I have to swallow the bile rising in my throat. It's made all the worse when I see the small boy hanging on Asher's hand. Dressed as Spiderman with a mask on so I can't see his face. I'm frozen, staring at Asher while he seems to be undressing me with his eyes.
"Clare, you okay?" Dallas asks. I hear him, but I can't seem to move or speak, I'm simply locked in a staring contest with Asher.
"Daddy, I want to play the game," the boy says. Now I really might throw up, the reminder that Asher has children makes his attack on me so much worse. He knew I went to Degrassi and he doesn't live anywhere close to Riverdale. That means Asher intentionally brought his son to my school to intimidate me. The child's voice does snap me out of my trance though.
"Two bean bags for one ticket," I tell Asher.
He takes a ticket from the pack he purchased at entry and hands it to me. His fingers brushing my fingers as I take it, and I nearly vomit again. Suddenly, though Dallas is between us, he must have been watching closer than I thought.
"Take your break Clare, I'll get Owen to cover," Dallas says. He's standing tall, fists clenched, stiff, menacing and glaring at Asher.
"Thanks," I choke out barely able to get the word from my mouth.
"Here you go Little Man," Dallas says, handing the boy two bean bags.
I leave by going under the piece of fabric separating my booth from Wes and Connor's. They're running the fishing booth, Wes at the front handling the people and Connor in the back attaching candy or small toys to the toy fishing rod the kids cast. Connor looks surprised to see me, as does Wes, but I ignore them and start walking to the school. Looking behind me to see if Asher is still there, and he is. I never said Asher's name, he never said mine, so I'm confident that Dallas only thinks that Asher is some old pervert.
I race inside weaving my way through the excited kids showing off their candy hauls or trick-or-treating at the classrooms. I dash into the girl's washroom and lean on the sink, still feeling like I might vomit. After a moment I don't feel like I'm going to vomit any longer, I splash some water on my face and leave the washroom. I walk outside to the top step, straining to see if Asher is still there, but I'm too far away, there's too many people and my booth is near the football field. I start walking slowly, looking for Asher and hoping his son has dragged him on to another booth.
Suddenly, I feel like I'm being watched. I look around trying to find Asher and where he's watching me from. It's not Asher I find watching me, it's Adams. I feel like I vomit again now, I start trembling, almost imperceptibly as it's mostly internal, but I can't seem to move. I'm looking at Adams, he stares back at me, but his eyes seem hollow. He's not in costume, not with a kid, he's just here.
"Clare?" Dave asks, putting a hand on my arm, "You okay?"
"Yeah, just…" I look back at Dave, when I look back to where Adams was he's gone "saw a man without a kid, he looked kind of menacing. Creeped me out."
"Where?" Dave asks, looking over the crowd.
"He's gone now, if I see him again I'll tell someone. I should get back to my booth," I tell Dave.
I walk away from Dave and start weaving through the crowd. Knowing that both Adams and Asher are here though I feel like I'm being hunted. I look around and start walking faster, almost running. I'm not paying attention and I run into a chest, I'm just about ready to scream when he speaks.
"Whoa, you okay, Clare? You running from someone?" Owen asks. His hand resting on my shoulder as he pulls me from his chest. "Dallas said some creepy dad was checking you out," Owen remarks.
"No, I mean, I didn't see him again, just getting away from a couple rowdy teenage boys," I reply. It's a lie, but I'm certainly not about to spout it all to Owen.
"Come on, the band is almost on, you, me and Dallas are supposed to be front and center," Owen says. His hand still on my shoulder he pulls me with him to the stage set in the center of all the outside booths.
Owen pulls me with him until we join Dallas, Bianca and Eli in front of the stage. The band is still getting instruments set up. Since it's a Halloween carnival they don't play any original songs, instead they do covers of four Halloween themed songs. They do well and everyone cheers, though most of the kids don't seem to notice that there was live music. The spooky soundtrack that had been playing through the speakers resumes. Fiona announces the costume contest in an hour, asking anyone that wishes to participate to check in with her or Imogen near the stage.
"You guys did great," I smile at my friends when they come off the stage.
"Thanks, would have preferred to play our stuff, but we sure sound good together," Jenna smiles.
"You guys sound great together," Eli says.
"Next time we'll play our original songs. If we get a full set together I'm sure Spin would let us play at Above the Dot," Drew comments.
"He definitely would," Fitz agrees.
"You guys were really great. I should get back to my booth now, I'm not even sure who's covering for me," I comment.
"I made Luke and the Swedish twins do it, but yeah we should get back," Dallas nods.
Dallas and I walk back and resume our posts. He does his job but he also glares at any guy that looks at me too long. I roll my eyes, but at least his menacing behavior seems to be keeping Adams and Asher away. They don't approach again, I don't even see either of them again, but I do feel like they're watching.
The carnival runs long, then there's cleanup. Jake and I don't get home until nearly midnight. Jake showers first, he did much of the breaking down and deconstructing, he got a lot sweatier than I did. After he's done and in bed I shower, I take a long one. After seeing both Asher and Adams today I feel especially dirty. I get ready for bed and in bed, but can't sleep, as soon as my eyes start to close I see Adams, Asher or both and my eyes shoot open. Giving up on sleeping I get out of my stashed energy drinks and get on my laptop. I don't sleep a wink all night.