Ch. 5 There are Days when I Feel so Afraid

(ADAM)

"Hey Clare," I greet my best friend when I get to school Monday.

She's still partially turned away from me, but I take a long look at her. She looks worse than she did at the championship football game Friday. She's looking pretty pale and when she turns to me her eyes look sallow, she looks tired, and almost hollow. I've been worried about her for weeks, I almost never see her eat and she keeps herself so busy it's hard to get her to spend time with me or any of her friends. It took me, Drew, Alli, Jenna and K.C. to convince her to come to the championship football game Friday.

I've tried talking to her about it, a few of us have, but when we try she snaps. She gets so angry and upset that we all stopped. I've been keeping my eye on her though, so have Drew and Eli. As have Alli and Jenna, Jake of course and even Bianca and K.C. have become concerned enough to start watching her.

"Hi Adam," she replies closing her locker. Clare smiles, her lips curling up, but it's not her usual bright smile, it's forced, tired, almost scared. Even her voice sounds tight, rough and thin. I suppose I could just attribute that to the morning. However, I know it's been that way for weeks. As she closes her locker I peek inside her backpack on the floor. I see two energy drinks and a music book for piano. I reach over and pull it from her backpack.

"What's this?" I question snatching the book and flipping through it.

"I'm taking up piano again. I haven't played since I was seven, but it's all math really so it shouldn't be that hard to pick up again. Ooh, maybe I can play keyboards in the band," Clare says. She even seems excited over the prospect of playing with our band. I on the other hand am worried that her schedule is too busy as it is.

"Don't you think your schedule is busy enough without adding piano to the mix? You can jam with us, but I really don't think you need to add band rehearsals and possible gigs to your already busy schedule. You've got co-op, school, tutoring Drew, two classes through centennial, three dance classes, editor of Degrassi Daily where you've assigned yourself extra work. Just a couple of weeks ago you told me you were doing four more classes online. I've never known anyone to have so much on their plate Clare," I comment. I try to only sound worried and not scolding but I don't think it works.

"I like to keep busy, Adam, and I can handle it. Actually, speaking of co-op I should get going, promised to get there early," she remarks. She shuts her locker and grabs her piano book from me before she walks off quickly. That's another thing she's been spending a lot of extra time at co-op.

I watch her basically power walk out of the school toward the bus stop. I'd offer to drive her in Drew's car, but actually I want to talk to my brother. I want to talk to Jake too, I know something is going on. She likes to stay busy but not like this, she wasn't like this last year or over the summer for that matter. Something had to trigger it, something has to be going on.

I see Jake and Drew at their lockers, they have lockers in the same hallway but opposite ends. There's also a lot of other kids in the hallway; Mo, Owen, and Dallas among others. I don't want to say anything in front of them so I walk over and tap Jake's arm nodding my head for him to follow me. He closes his locker and follows me; we walk to Drew and I motion for him to follow us. Drew excuses himself and follows us. The first classroom I come to that's empty I go in. They follow and Drew closes the door behind us.

"What's up Adam?" Drew questions.

"I saw Clare this morning, she told me she was taking up piano again. She wanted to join the band on keyboards. I told her she could jam with us sometime, but that she was taking on too much. I started listing it all, she said she liked to keep busy and then practically ran off to get to co-op. Something is wrong."

Jake sighs deeply and pinches the bridge of his nose "I'm worried, I've been worried for a while. She's not sleeping, I'll find her light on and hear her typing on her laptop at two, three, four in the morning and she's always awake by five. I see her with coffee, energy drinks, but I hardly see her eat. She hasn't been home for dinner in weeks. Helen doesn't seem worried, just proud that Clare is such a self-starter and go-getter. Clare tells her mom she's eating and sleeping, but I really don't think she is. If I try to confront her she gets mad and tells me to mind my own business."

"She tutors me at lunch most days, she's usually nibbling at a protein bar. Come to think of it, I'm not sure she's finished one in the last few weeks. Sometimes I share my lunch with her, but she never seems to eat more than a few bites. The energy drinks though, she always has one of those, she'll finish that. Usually, she tells me she ate at co-op or grabbed something on her way back," Drew comments.

"I know she's lost some weight and she's overworking herself, but she won't talk to me. If I tell her I'm worried that she's overdoing it she gets angry and we fight," Jake says. His voice is laced with anxiety and a note of fatigue.

The bell rings and startles us all. We're worried but we need to get to class, and it's not as though we can do anything right now. I have to get to co-op and Clare's already left for co-op, though I may see her at the bus stop.

"We'll figure something out Adam," Drew says, slapping my back as we all leave the classroom.

"Yeah, I just hope we can do it soon, I'm afraid she's going to end up in the hospital the way she's going. I'll see you later, I got to get to co-op," I remark as we leave.

Drew nods and I walk to the parking lot. I get in Drew's car and look for Clare at the bus stop as I drive past. I don't see her at the bus stop, either the bus came or she took the truck without telling Jake, I didn't look for his truck in the parking lot. I probably should have but didn't think to, I'll ask Drew how she was at tutoring and art. We have to find out what's going on before she kills herself.

(CLARE)

I'm almost back to school when I see Drew at the corner. It looks like he's waiting for me to get dropped off by the bus. I didn't take the bus, just walked a couple blocks to a diner, had coffee and did homework.

"Hi Drew," I say, having to clear my throat to speak. I am wondering if I'm going to need to explain why I'm walking from the opposite direction.

"Hey Clare, I was waiting to see you drive in or get dropped off by the bus. Isn't The Interpreter office downtown?"

"Yes, but…I went with Asher on a story, and it was right down the street. He offered to drive me back to school...but I wanted some air, so I said I'd walk."

Drew narrows his eyes giving me a long look. I'm not sure he believes me, but his face finally relaxes, just a little though. When he relaxes and I'm fairly certain he won't question me any further I release a silent breath.

"You know if it's too much to tutor me I'm sure Adam will. K.C. or Bianca even," Drew remarks when he does speak.

I look at him a little startled and blink, "No, I like tutoring you Drew, this isn't too much."

"Okay, why don't we do this at The Dot, let me buy you lunch, and don't tell me you ate already," Drew says. His tone is hard and insistent, and I nod with a small sigh.

The Dot is just across the street, so we walk over. I'm really not hungry but I force myself to make a real lunch order and Drew pays. We sit down and he shows me what they worked on in class. I break stuff down for him and give him some problems to work on before we return to school. I actually did eat my entire lunch, a turkey sandwich with fruit and lemonade. It's the most I've eaten in one sitting in weeks. Actually, it might be the most I've eaten at all in a couple of weeks.

"I'm going to grab my biology book from my locker before art," I tell Drew as we enter the school.

"Okay, I'll see you in art," Drew nods. I walk to my locker and Adam is at his. "Hi Adam," I greet opening my locker.

"Hey Clare, how was lunch?"

"Good, Drew is doing well," I smile, opening my locker and pulling out my biology book.

"Good, did you eat?"

"Yes, not that it matters," I remark closing my locker.

"Clare, Jake says you're not eating or sleeping, y…" Adam starts but I turn to him with a grimace and cut him off.

"You and Jake should mind your own damn business," I snap, then turn on my heel and storm off to art.

"Are you okay Clare?" Fitz asks when I huff into my chair. I don't see Drew yet, he must have gone to his locker or the washroom.

"Fine," I reply quickly.

Fitz raises an eyebrow but doesn't say anything. I'm clearly not fine, but he doesn't ask. When Drew comes into class however Fitz waves him over. I can see them from the corner of my eye and see that they are whispering. My mind tells me they're plotting something. I don't look at either of them for the rest of art and race out when the bell rings. I get to biology first and tell Mr. Betenkamp I'm not feeling well and I'm cramping really bad. I hold my stomach and twist my face. He gives me a note for the nurse, but I simply walk right out of school instead.

I hardly make it around the corner before I feel like someone is following me. I start running, taking the ravine part way behind some houses. He follows me into the ravine but I hide just behind some tall bushes. I hear heavy footsteps coming, I hear him stop, I'm sure he's looking around for me. Chancing to look through the shrubbery I'm crouched in I see a silhouette and I know it's Adams. After a moment I hear him going back to the street. I stay crouched down though, my breathing rapid and I'm shaking.

It's not the first time he's followed me, in fact it was just Saturday that he was lurking near the house when I was alone. He didn't approach and I managed to sneak out the back and go to Alli's. That's when I decided to take up piano again though. That's how it's been, any time I see Adams lurking around, or I see Asher I find something new to help me fill my time.

The Interpreter has a new billboard near Centennial and there's a giant picture of Asher on it. The first time I saw it I signed up for an online class. That was almost three weeks ago, since then I have signed up for two additional classes online. When there's nothing else to do I'm writing, though I'm not actually sure any of it makes any sense.

I hold my breath waiting to hear if Adams is coming back. I don't hear him but I'm shaking too hard to move. My breathing is shallow and strained, heart pounding hard, and I know I'm having a panic attack. I stay in my hiding spot, focusing on a spot on the ground and thinking about something that makes me truly happy. Oddly the first thing to come to my mind that truly makes me happy is Drew.

My eyes close and my thoughts focus on Drew for a while. His smile, his eyes, the way his mouth twists when he's concerned. The little wrinkle he gets at the bridge of his nose when he's thinking hard. The warm feel of his hands, the way his eyes shine when he's truly happy. When my eyes open again I'm no longer panicked.

I stand slowly, listening for a moment, I hear the distant sound of cars, the distant sounds of kids at the ravine, the soft winter breeze rustling the plants. Feeling safe I make my way back to the road. I look around for Adams, don't see him and I walk home. My clothes are all dirty so they go straight into the wash.

I put on sweats and start on my homework for my online courses and Centennial courses. It isn't long before I hear the front door open, running up the steps and then my door is thrown open. Jake stands there tense and red, looking both relieved and incredibly irate.

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"

"Here, now get out of my room Jake!" I snap back, getting up from my desk and trying to shove him out of my room, but he won't move. "Just what right do you have telling Adam that I'm not sleeping?!"

"You're not sleeping Clare, you're not eating, something is going on. We can all see it Clare," Jake says. His voice is laced with worry but I'm too annoyed and angry to hear it right now.

"I like to keep busy is that a crime?" I huff crossing my arms since he won't move from my doorway.

"No, but you're not sleeping, it's more than just keeping busy Clare. Something is going o…"

"I'M FINE!" I scream at him. Suddenly I feel dizzy and grab the door frame. Jake picks me up and takes me to the bed.

"Just rest Clare, please," Jake says in a tight pleading tone, "nap until dinner I'm begging."

I don't want to lie down, lying down and not doing anything means thinking. Jake looks so worried, and I am feeling pretty lousy, so I acquiesce to his request. I close my eyes, as soon as I do I see Adams and Asher in my head. I have my back to Jake and shut my eyes tight. As soon as Jake closes my door I get up and go back on my computer. Anything to keep my mind busy.

When I hear him go downstairs I grab an energy drink from my backpack and open it. I stay as quiet as possible so Jake won't come back in, and when I hear my mom get home I pretend to wake up and go downstairs. Thankfully, Jake stays in his room and has music on, he's almost certainly smoking pot.

"Hi Mom, I've got a lot of homework, can I eat in my room?" I request.

"Sure Honey, I'll bring you a plate when it's done," Mom smiles.

"Thanks," I reply, plastering a smile on my face and going back to my room.

Not worried about being quiet anymore, I get on my laptop and do my homework. For everything but Degrassi, the only class I have homework for at Degrassi is biology and I skipped that today. Mom brings me dinner when it's ready, but I'm not hungry and when I hear her coming up the stairs to get my plate I toss the uneaten food in the trashcan on the other side of my desk. Mom takes the empty plate and kisses the top of my head before leaving my room.

I'm up all night working on things, mostly because I'm afraid to close my eyes. This is the second night in a row without sleep at all. When everyone else is in bed and asleep I tie up the little bag from the trashcan and take it down to the big can in the kitchen. I spend a few hours in my room doing work for online classes and the Centennial courses, as well as for Degrassi Daily.

A little before five, just before Mom and Glen get up I get ready and leave. I leave a note that Asher picked me up to be at the morning meeting. I leave the house, lock up and start walking to school. I don't even care that it's lightly snowing, the cold is sort of distracting. I'm about a block from school when a car pulls over.

"Get in Clare, I'll give you a ride," Asher says. His voice is demanding yet slimy and I shiver, but it has nothing to do with how cold it is.

"Go to hell," I spit back.

I look straight ahead and pick up my pace a little. I see Asher pulling over just ahead of me so I run. Ducking into the ravine and running straight for where kids hang out near the school. I'll hide in the van and hope kids are there or at least that Asher doesn't follow me. I see the van, run to it and throw open the front passenger door hopping in, getting on the floor and closing the door. My abrupt entry has startled two boys sleeping in the back.

"Sorry, need to hide a minute," I apologize when one of the boys sits up and blinks at me.

"I'll start a fire," one of them yawns and goes out.

When he opens the door I hear footsteps approaching. Not running but fast. I know it's Asher and I make myself as small as possible on the floor of the dirty old van.

"You see a girl run this way?" Asher asks while I hold my breath praying he doesn't see me.

The boy that left the van snorts, "Does it look like I have a girl with me?"

"Anyone else in there?" Asher questions and I assume he's pointing to the van.

The other boy in the back of the van moves. I look at him and he puts his finger to his lip in a "shush" motion. Then he leaves the van loudly, shutting the door behind him.

"Who the fuck are you?" The boy questions after the door closes.

Asher mutters something I presume to be swear words and I hear him storm off. I stay where I am until the front passenger door opens. I look up to see the second boy holding his hand out to me.

"It's safe," he says. I smile and take his hand, allowing him to help me out of the van.

"Who was that guy? Running from the old man?" The first boy questions. I choke on the bile that rises in my throat at that thought.

"Gross, no he's not my dad," I shake my head, shivering a little.

"You're Reese and Fitz's friend right?" The second boy questions.

I nod in response, he smiles and he puts a blanket over the car seat. I sit down just as boy one gets the fire going. One of them gets out a liquor bottle while the other grabs a granola bar. He offers me one, but I shake my head, I'm not hungry. We sit in silence watching the fire for a short time. Other kids begin to slowly filter into the ravine. One of the first is Reese, stalking over with his hoodie pulled tight, but a large bruise visible on his face.

"Fight with my dad again," Reese says, grabbing the bottle from boy one. Reese is about to take a swig when he notices me. He looks at me, narrows his eyes and blinks. "What are you doing here so early Clare? You okay?"

"She was running from some old pervert," boy two informs him.

Reese raises his eyebrow at me but I only respond by shaking my head. Reese continues to watch, awaiting an answer, but I don't have one for him. I pull out my phone and look at the time. It's still early but the school is probably open.

"I'm going inside," I announce standing up.

"I'll walk you to the fence, make sure you get in," Reese says, giving the bottle back.

I almost tell him no, but Asher or Adams could be around. Reese walks me to the fence, I expect him to ask about Asher again, well about the old pervert, but he doesn't. I make it into the school and go back to the prop room since Jake thinks I'm already at co-op. I go to the sofa at the back of the room and sit down. My intention is to do some homework or work on Degrassi Daily stuff, but when I'm sitting on the comfy sofa, in the warm school I realize just how tired I am. I lie down, my eyes closing without me really realizing and sleep quickly overtakes me. I'm not sure how long I'm out, but I wake when I hear lots of heavy footsteps and male voices coming in. I recognize Dallas' voice right away, I sit up rubbing my eyes and stretching just as Dallas, Luke, the twins and two other hockey players come into view. They are a little surprised to see me, Luke only smirks while Dallas arches an eyebrow.

"Sleeping in the school during class? That's something we would do," Luke snickers.

"Shouldn't you be at co-op?" Dallas questions as he sits down next to me.

I don't answer, I'm not really sure what to say. When one of the twins offers me a beer I accept and open it. Dallas seems surprised but he doesn't take it or ask. Luke sits on the other side of me and I sip at the beer while listening to the alpha males talk. I don't really like the taste but it keeps me from talking or them asking questions.

"Can I have another one?" I question when I finish the first beer.

Dallas gives me a questioning and astonished look but grabs another can of beer. He opens it and hands it to me. I start sipping at it and continue to listen to the alpha males talk. The beer doesn't taste very good, but is distracting, and oddly calming. The alcohol is also making me tired, or perhaps dulling my senses enough to remind me how tired I am. I finish the second can, set it on the table and my eyes begin to close.

(DREW)

I check my phone to see if Clare texted. Jake told me she went to co-op early. I don't have anything from her so I start walking to Betenkamp's classroom. I'm almost there when Dallas grabs my arm and hauls me into an empty classroom like the hallway is on fire.

"Dude, what?"

"Clare was in the prop room this morning, asleep. We went in to drink and she took a beer, two actually, and then she fell asleep on me. I forced the others out, laid her down on the sofa. I've never seen her drink, and she didn't look well," Dallas tells me. She hasn't really looked well for weeks. Though I guess Dallas hasn't been paying attention the way some of us have.

"Something is wrong. I'm going to go talk to Adam and Jake. Is she safe in the prop room?"

"I think so. As far as I know we're the only ones that really use it. Eli or the drama club might go back but they don't usually use it until after school," Dallas replies.

"Eli would probably let her sleep or be worried and wake her up. I'll talk to Jake and Adam and go check on her," I comment. Dallas nods and I start walking, I don't get very far before Fitz comes over to me.

"Reese just told me that Clare was at the ravine this morning. Very early this morning," Fitz informs me.

"Thanks Fitz, I'm about to talk with Adam and Jake right now," I tell him.

"Good, I hope you guys can find out what's going on," Fitz remarks.

"Yeah, me too," I reply as I begin walking again. I find my brother at his locker with Jenna and put my arm around his shoulders. "Sorry Jenna, but I need my brother," I remark.

"I'll see you in music Adam," Jenna grins.

"Where are we going? Shouldn't you be tutoring with Clare?" Adam questions.

"Need Jake," is my only reply.

"So, this is about Clare," Adam remarks.

I see Jake near his locker with Mo and Eli. I get Jake's attention and wave for him to join us. The three of us go into an empty classroom and I tell them what Dallas and Fitz told me.

"Dammit, she left a note that Asher picked her up early for co-op. If she was in the ravine that means she walked, and drinking in the prop room means she wasn't even at co-op," Jake says. His voice worried but growling and angry at the same time.

"We should get her to our house after school. She's comfortable there, maybe between the two of us we can get her to talk. At least we can watch her, make sure she eats," Adam says.

"Yeah, I agree, and Dallas will be at Owen's for a project after school. Since we've missed lunch tutoring I bet I can ask her to come tutor me after school," I remark.

"Good and if she falls asleep there again just leave her, I'll bring her clothes in the morning. I just want to know what's going on," Jake says.

"Clare's still in the prop room, I'm going to go check on her," I remark as we leave the room. I walk to the prop room, but Clare isn't there. I'm about to call her when I get a text from her.

Clare: Sorry Drew, I lost track of time at co-op and I'm just on my way back.

I know she's lying because she wasn't at co-op at all. I'm not going to tell her now though or confront her over text. It does give me a good opportunity to ask her to come over after school though.

Drew: That's okay, I do need help though, think you can come over after school?

She simply replies back with a yes. I put my phone away and go looking for her knowing she wasn't at co-op. I search everywhere including the ravine but she isn't anywhere. I finally sit down to eat my lunch, doing it on a bench near her locker. Expecting her to arrive at her locker and act like she just returned from co-op. She never does, when I get to art she's in there. So is Fitz, giving her a worried look but not approaching.

"Hey, how was co-op?" I question.

"Busy," she replies, it's all she says.

After art I walk her to biology and tell Adam that Clare is coming over after school. He smiles and nods, taking her arm to bring her into the classroom. After school I meet Adam and Clare at my car and we drive home. Adam gives Clare the passenger seat and she takes an energy drink from her backpack. She opens it and begins drinking, I have to wonder how many she's had in the last few days.

When we arrive home we go into the basement. Dad won't be home until dinner and mom won't be home for a couple of hours. We sit on the sofa and Adam gets out his books while I get out my math book and show Clare what we worked on. While she's looking it over I'm watching her. I want to ask what's going on? Why she missed co-op? Why she was at the ravine so early? Why she was sleeping in the prop room? Why she was drinking? I just don't know how to bring up any of that.

"I need a snack, are you hungry Clare?" I ask when we take a break.

"No," she shakes her head.

I want to force her to eat something, but Mom will force her to eat at dinner if nothing else. I get up and go to the kitchenette, looking through the cupboards. I pull out some grapes, cheese and crackers, bringing it back to the coffee table and hoping the sight and smell of food might tempt her.

"Have you started preparing your final report for co-op?" Adam asks when I sit down again and start snacking. Clare freezes and swallows hard, hard enough to be heard. Adam and I exchange a look, but before either of us can say anything she starts talking rapidly.

"I've got a dance performance in a few weeks, you should both come. I'd love it you both came to see my performance," she says almost in one breath.

"Clare, you have to stop, you're doing too much. You're going to burn out and end up in the hospital," Adam says. His voice is distressed and tight with concern.

"No I'm not, I'm fine, I'm fine. I like to stay busy," she asserts but she's not looking at us and is wringing her hands together.

"You're not fine Clare, you were drinking beer and fell asleep in the prop room this morning. Jake says you're not eating or sleeping, you're losing weight. You're going to kill yourself Clare," I tell her. My voice is angry, scolding, stern but it has to be right now.

"When did you last eat a whole meal? Not counting this morning when did you last sleep? When was the last time you got a full night's sleep?" Adam questions.

We watch her waiting for an answer, she's not saying anything but she's chewing her lip. She won't look at us, but I can just see tears at the corner of her eyes.