CHAPTER 22: SHISHI
Sirius sat at the foot of the great stairs reading a book. Or looking in one anyway. Sprout was having a conversation with Flitters nearby. When McGonagall turned up (like they had counted on when they had made their rough brain plan), Sirius dropped the book and hurried to get to Flitwick.
"Professor Flitwick!" He pulled at the pygmy man's arm, maybe sounding a bit too out of breath. "Professor Flitwick! You must hurry! It's Peter Pettigrew! He's... He's at the top of the banner pole and he can't get down! Sir you must hurry or he will fall and die!"
"My word! How did he get up there?"
"It was a pie, sir! He thought he saw a custard pie!"
Peter was clinging to the cold banner pole, shivering and whimpering and trying to not look down. Seated on his Ziggy Stadust, James watched the crowd below grow from where he was hiding near the banner pole. Finally he could hear them.
"There he is! Up on the banner pole!"
"My word!"
Flitters had arrived. So had Brussels Sprouts, and McGonagall as well. That wasn't so important. One teacher witness was enough and it could be any of them. But ideally McGonagall.
Brussels Sprouts went back inside and James suspected that she was coming to the roof.
Time to make the daring rescue. James swooped to the banner pole.
"GET ON BEHIND ME!"
Peter sobbed.
"Why are you screaming? I'm right here."
"Just get on behind me, a'ight? GET ON BEHIND ME!" Peek below.
Peter did so but not without nearly falling but that was only good for the drama. He managed to get on. The ooh's and aaah's were sweet music.
The crowd made way for their landing. Dismounting, James felt like a plane with The Beatles. A prefect wrapped Peter in a shock blanket.
James gave a bow and inhaled the applause.
"It's all in a day's work."
"Very well done!" said Flitters. "100 points to Gryffindor!"
Saving a life: 100-200 points.
The ghost fisherman whistled the tune Row, row, row your boat.
The other ghost fishermen who rowed the other boats over lake Mead turned it into round singing.
"I think we should push him in the lake!" Sirius whispered.
"No!" James whispered. "Last time he was only worth 70 points, we gotta change it up!"
"Ok fine. I was thinking, perhaps we need to push in more girls."
"Or perhaps... Who do you suppose Irwin's favourite student is?"
Irwin was rowing and chatting eagerly.
"I didn't know lake Mead even had capricorns!" said Irwin to Remus. "What a great thing to suggest, that we go look for capricorns! I asked the local fishermen and sure enough, they told me where there would be a great heap of capricorns!"
James and Sirius thought: Ok maybe not.
"Wooah!" Irwin was so enthused he couldn't sit still. "That was one feisty sheila wasn't it! Croikey! I think she thought I was going to eat her young! Woah! Remember that big male!"
The boat rocked a lot.
"I remember you throwing yourself at him and trying to keep him down," said James.
"Yeah! He didn't like that did he!"
It was a damn cold day. Another damn cold day.
They were nearly at shore.
"Professor Irwin!" said Sirius. "Look over there! It's a big old sea dragon!"
"WOAH!"
Irwin turned around and tried to look for the sea dragon. While he did that, Sirius slipped a crayfish in Peter's trousers. He jumped up, and Sirius pushed him in the lake.
"Oh no! Professor Irwin! Peter fell in the lake! He can't swim!"
Peter splashed around in the water crying for help. Sirius sat down again.
"Ok do your thing," he told James.
James looked at the cold water.
The cold, cold water.
"You do it!"
"Come on what's keeping you? You've done it before!"
Meanwhile Peter lost his grip off the boat and the boat rowed on, leaving him behind.
"That was different!" said James. "I wasn't thinking about how cold the water was going to be! Why do I have to do all the epic saving all the time! It's time you pull your weight!"
"WOAH!" said Irwin. "Oh dear! I have a confession to make! I can't swim either!"
"But what about all the were-shark you've wrestled?" said Remus.
"They were never very far from the beach! Oh croikey! We should have kept the life saving ring in the boat shouldn't we?"
If Peter drowned they were going to lose so many points.
But then Remus, who was always chewing bubblegum, blew his bubblegum to a great big bubble, huge even. Then he used notebook paper as gloves when he threw it out because it was that sticky.
The big bubblegum balloon bobbed off towards Peter who was below the water somewhere that way. Remus popped a fresh gum ball in his mouth.
Peter grabbed on to the candy balloon and floated to shore, inhaling more water along the way. When he reached the beach, the bubble burst and filled him with so much air he coughed all the water out of his lungs. Remus looked smug.
"He nearly just drowned so why do you look so smug?" Sirius asked.
"WOAH!" said Irwin. "That is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen! 100 points to Gryffindor!"
Then he stepped out of the boat.
"Alright!" said James.
"You're supposed to make the points," said Remus.
"We're all making these points together!"
James hopped out of the boat and sank straight into the mud.
He had stinky mud to his chin. It smelled like bad eggs.
"Of F this!"
Sirius pointed and laughed because he was a prick. James waded out of the mud and onto firmer ground.
"Man this stinks!"
"I think you better take a bath!"
"Do you think? I'm going to be so late and we're already late!"
"We're not late," said Remus.
"What is in that jam jar?"
"It is a piece of meat that eats anything."
"Ok then. What do you mean we're not late?"
"McGonagall is at the dentist. She won't be back for another five minutes. That's why she gave those extra assignments last time."
James whistled and his Ziggy came and picked him up.
"I think I can have a bath in five minutes. If that's ok with you."
"It's fine."
James flew off. Sirius sighed.
"He makes it look so easy."
Meanwhile Peter was staggering around with bubblegum on his face and arms out.
"Was it one of the assignments to raise a piece of meat that eats anything?" Sirius asked, worried.
"It's to eat the bubblegum," said Remus and went to put the meat on the bubblegum mask on Peter's face.
There it sat. Like a dead piece of meat. It began to munch. Peter was then swept along by a bunch of Ravenclaws hurrying to their class.
"Does Brussels Sprouts have any pets?" Sirius wondered.
He didn't want to kidnap McGonagall's adorable cats!
"She's always talking about her mandrake," said Remus.
"Don't they scream a lot?"
"Hers is a rare kind that doesn't scream easily. There are very few pet mandrakes. That's why Sprout's chamber is the most surveilled of all chambers. She is so afraid of it being stolen and sold on the black market. It is impossible to even stand outside her chamber without her suddenly turning up. I think she has some kind of connection with her portrait guard. It alerts her every time."
"That is useful to know."
While James could just hop on his sweet ride and reach Hogwarts in a minute, the rest were forced to soil down their shoes in the dreary mud.
To get Sprout's mandrake, Sirius thought, was by the sound of it not a one person job.
Then he thought...
" 'If that's ok with you'.Why would it not be ok?"
Remus shrugged and just went Idunno.
Then he stopped.
"Oh shit!"
Somebody had left the cold tap on. James turned on the hot water and returned to the dorm. There he threw off his clothes and grabbed a towel.
Once the bath was full he closed the tap and stepped in.
"AH WHY IS IT SO COLD!" he squealed and uttered a whole bunch of very rude words.
He was just going to have a cold bath then, he thought, angry!
Something... tickled his ankle...
Then all of a sudden he was pulled under the water and held down by some kind of scaly Gollum!
He tried to fight himself free with all his might but to no avail. The thing was the size of a cat but strong as ten bears. It looked like the end. James was going to be whacked to death in a bath with a cucumber.
What an embarrassing tomb inscription that was going to be!
Suddenly his glasses, that he had forgotten to remove, came off. No longer being whacked and strangled, he sat up and gasped for air. Everything was a blur. He could hear happy splashing and smell the cucumber.
When something slimy touched his foot he tumbled out of the bath in a panic. He tripped his way out of the bathroom and to his bedside drawer, where he searched for some spare glasses.
Remus came into the dorm, probably saw his state of upset and went to the bathroom.
Shishi no! Give them to me! Go to your rooftop water feature!"
"Hey what's up?" said Sirius when he turned up soon after. "I see you had your bath. Can't you find your towel?"
The room was very well heated which was a blessing after such a cold bath. James found himself a different towel, dried himself quickly, then began to get dressed.
A tiny hooded monk came out of the bathroom and hopped out of the window. Remus returned James's glasses to him.
"I'm very sorry about Shishi. But he would never do anything too bad because he ate a cucumber with your name on it. Both your names."
"Can you tell me what just attacked me in the bath because I was blind and drowning so I wasn't seeing very well."
"It was Shishi. My kappa. I found him not too far from that river where they dump all the potion leftovers. He must have come with some Japanese cargo ship. You know, there's this new sushi place? He was in a weakened state, his dish all empty, not able to get to the toxic waste river in time. I filled it, his head dish that is, and that's how I became his master. It's how it works. I didn't just grab a random kappa from a river for the sake of having an exotic pet."
"Nobody's judging you," said Sirius.
"Seeing a kappa... It can be a very offensive sight."
"Why?"
"Because it has three anuses. I can tell from your face you did not know that."
They all went to the window. There was Shishi now, out on the roof, having a field day with a bronze mermaid.
"Are we leaving or what? I'm ready," said James and headed for the door.
"Already was!" said Sirius.
"Will you tell McGonagall?" Remus asked anxiously. "About Shishi?"
James and Sirius laughed. They weren't tattle tales! They were tattle tale-ees!
"Tell McGonagall? I wouldn't tell McGonagall if a kappa was hanging out of her nose!" said James.
"I trust a river rapist with three anuses more than I trust McGonagall!" said Sirius.
"Mhm! River what?"