Shinji's Paradox

Chapter 3:

Library

May 15th, 1986, 12:13 PM, Matou Residence.

Yesterday's… events.

They were still fresh.

Even as Byakuya fed me this morning, I couldn't shake the memory. His reddened eyes made it clear that he'd figured out what had happened. Possibly seen it. Unable to do anything. Zouken may have even simply told him once it was over, and I didn't doubt that he enjoyed breaking the news.

Despite this, my remaining parent wore his best impression of a fatherly smile for the sake of his week-old son.

Not having a mother in the house in the old causality was something I had not frequently considered, and even when I did, it had been in outrage of my own uselessness. Another thing to blame for the joke and embarrassment that was Matou Shinji, I'd reasoned. A coping mechanism of sorts to deal with the constant deflation of my own self-esteem driven by the growing frustration I always felt.

But after that?

Thinking about it had a different effect, and I could only rationalise it as a numb throb that beat in sync with my heart.

It wasn't anger. This was a different kind of numbness. All I could think of to explain the comparison was that this sensation was… slower. I was also angry, of course, but I could direct all of that at Zouken.

I didn't know what to do with the other feeling.

Whenever I stared at the empty chair from the cradle, or when I gazed out the windows through the curtains that have already been returned to the ones Zouken preferred, thinking about it slowly disconnected me from reality and pulled me into an uncomfortable daze. And that throbbing in my chest held my attention like a vice.

So when Einzbern started speaking to me around midday, I almost didn't notice.

"Shinji-kun! Hellooo?!" she said in a minor tone of panic.

'Oh. Sorry, I was…'

I couldn't even finish the sentence with the feeling weighing down my thoughts.

What was it even supposed to be?

"… It's fine," Einzbern said as she calmed herself before shaking her head. "As long as you're focused, we can start."

'Start?'

"I've decided," she said. "I want to help you with Zouken."

'… That's good enough for me,' I sit up so that I don't accidentally get too comfortable and fall asleep. 'You have any ideas?'

"Nothing specific. But the first thing we need to do if you're even going to even stand a chance is to get you a source of magical energy."

'Trying to grasp that old dream of mine is what got us into this mess in the first place,' I start. 'I can't use magecraft.'

Einzbern hummed curiously. "I think it's possible."

'How could you have possibly come to that conclusion?'

"Zouken explained last week that you have thirty-four circuits. Even if they're complete garbage, thirty-four circuits is thirty-four circuits. Apparently, they can't keep hold of any of the energy that goes through them, but in Zouken's words, it can still 'pass through them'," Einzbern shrugged. "Your circuits can at least interact with it, and that sounds usable to me. Even if Zouken doesn't think so."

'Doesn't matter. Every time in the past— or, um, future— that I tried to do anything like generate magical energy, I ended up with nothing,' I explained.

"Then you just need to get your magical energy from somewhere else."

'So instead of using them to make magical energy, I'd get it from—?' a memory came to mind. 'Like from other people, you mean? I don't want to hurt anyone for no reason.'

Not this time.

"There are ways to get mana from other people painlessly. Blood is a common commodity among magi because it can carry mana. But that and… other methods are a bit out of our reach at this point," she said, dodging eye contact halfway through her sentence. "Also, it doesn't solve your conversion issue."

'You mean, you actually have no idea where to start?'

"I've never had any reason to look into this kind of thing until now, dummy. But I do have an idea. It's all the way down the hallway and full of books."

'The library? It's a bit soon for me to be reading, Einzbern-san. I can't even go there on my own.'

"Then eat lots and grow bigger, Shinji-chan," she said with a smile.

I laid back down as I resigned from the conversation.

She was right. I couldn't do anything right now, so I should just be mentally prepared to take action as soon as I could.

It's like walking down the hospital halls on my way to the surgery table, I thought. I can't make the first incision until I get there, but I can think about it on the way.

I considered possibly taking up the practice again in this life. It did pay well, even if I didn't need the money for much.

Slowly, my attention returned to the numb throb.

January 3rd, 1987, 8:51 AM, Matou Residence.

The first step to magecraft for me was quite literally my first step.

The library was very far away from my current bedroom— on the other side of the manor, actually— but I wasn't going to give up just because all I had to get there were flabby baby legs. Thankfully, Byakuya was actually trying to be a decent parent at this point, and aside from feeding me and taking care of the more unsavoury circumstances I couldn't deal with, he was trying his best to get me on my feet.

Occasionally, I wondered how long Byakuya would keep it together before becoming the man I remembered. So far he'd managed to avoid bringing alcohol into the house as Mother had asked, but I wasn't going to be taken by surprise. Byakuya would eventually fall back on the habit and become dependent on it. It was only a matter of time, and while I knew what would become of him, I wasn't going to hold my breath.

Eventually, at eight months old, I managed to force myself to walk down the entire upstairs hallway on my own before I collapsed onto my knees. Even with memories of my old life, physical burdens would always have prevented me from proper walking any sooner. But I could walk the distance from the room I slept in to the library in one push, plus a little extra. I only needed an opportunity to go through with it.

There was no point doing it under Zouken's nose, as he probably had familiars all over the house, and even though I was still an infant, I was not going to underestimate Zouken's intuition. He was most definitely going to be keeping an eye on everything I looked into.

I'd have to be sly. Ridiculously so. The ghost had offered to keep an eye on Zouken whenever she could, so we could play the surveillance game too. I had to remember that I was not alone in this, even if only for the time being. The Einzbern girl may have brought me here from the brink of death, and she wanted something from me. But I was still responsible for her death in part, and she made it pretty clear that she's a filthy liar. There was no telling what kind of terrible plot she'd concocted.

And she was a relentless tease.

"Well, that's adorable," Einzbern said, barely stifling a laugh.

'They closed the door!' I whined as I fell to my tiny knees. After trying to grasp the library door handle for a few moments, I was faced with the terrible truth that I was simply too short.

She started to giggle. "Aww, can little Shinji-chan not reach the door handle?"

'Stop that!'

"It might be open tomorrow, Shinji-chan."

I glared at her, but my form betrayed me, and the giggles became unrestrained laughter.

"Hahaha— you're adorable Shinji-chan!"

I should probably just wait until the door is open again. Today was just bad luck. It might take weeks, but I should keep an eye on it and follow either Zouken or Byakuya whenever they go in.

Or…

'… Should I try talking to either of them?' I suggested.

"Your father is probably the better option if you want to try that kind of thing," Einzbern said, calming down. "He has been trying to get you to say 'dad'."

'Do we have the kind of time for me to fake learning to speak?'

"Well… maybe we could waste a few months getting your father to be convinced that you're a natural, but I think you would rather get into the library sooner… so why not just conveniently learn the word 'door'?"

I looked up at the library door handle, glistening faintly in the morning sunlight that shone through the window at the end of the hall. I could see my distorted reflection looking back at me. It beckoned. It taunted.

… I lost to a door handle.

'I give up. I'll wait until I'm taller,' I said in defeat.

I pulled myself upright and found my balance, then turned to go back to the baby room. But I stopped almost immediately, falling to my hands and knees again.

Zouken was in the hallway, looking down at my tiny frame with a curious eye. He glanced at the library door and then back at the helpless infant in front of him. The morning light was coming in through the window behind him, casting a shadow over me.

I couldn't move.

After about ten seconds of unbroken eye contact, one of Zouken's hands moved away from his cane and reached forward. I felt I was about to flinch, but his hand drifted towards the door handle to grasp it…

And he calmly pushed the door open.

"No way…" Einzbern whispered barely loud enough for me to hear.

Zouken maintained eye contact with me for a few more seconds, but I broke it, stood up, and waddled through the open door and into the middle of the library, where I fell to my hands again.

It seriously can't be that easy, can it? I thought as I dared a glance at Zouken.

The old husk was watching me with a raised eyebrow before he shook his head, took a deep breath, muttered something under a sigh, and then continued down the hallway out of sight. Einzbern drifted in through the open door afterwards.

'Did you catch what he said?' I asked her.

"… He said, 'I'm such an old man'," she revealed.

I eventually processed that and returned my attention to the room.

It was exactly as I remembered it from my past life. The windows opposite the doorway spanned the entire room and revealed the winter sky and allowed faint morning sunlight to trickle in. Bookshelves and cabinets that were filled to the brim with ancient writings and newer texts stood tall and imposing in their knowledge-bearing vigils. At the southern end of the room on my right was an unlit fireplace with sitting space around it.

Strangely, everything was still as dusty as it had always been, and as I looked over the unkept room, it dawned on me that maybe, in the old causality, I'd been the only one to actually use the library since possibly Byakuya when he was still young. I probably wouldn't have been able to get into this room any other day until I could reach the handle myself.

… I just got very lucky, didn't I?

I picked myself off the floor and shambled over to a bookshelf.

It was time to start reading.

February 13th, 1987, 7:46 AM, Matou Residence Library.

I could only get to the books on the lowest shelves, but that was perfect.

The library was incredibly well organised, and the bottom shelves had all the basics for the topic they were associated with, only touching on the more advanced content in their later chapters. Even then, it wasn't nearly as high-concept as the things I'd tried to learn while reading the tomes on the higher shelves in the old causality.

They were even arranged by language, and between Einzbern and I, all three languages within the books were readable. Russian was dominant, but there were a good number of Japanese texts and a few German ones.

Naturally, I'd started with anything to do with magical circuits. Function, quality ranking, crests. if it existed in the book's index, I pulled the tome off the shelf and dragged it to the middle of the room. If the book had no index because it was simply too old to have one or some other reason, I put it back. It would only matter if what I wanted wasn't in the ones I kept.

Once I was sure I had everything guaranteed to tell me at least something about circuits, I started reading with Einzbern.

That was a month ago.

Zouken and Byakuya were obviously confused when a child, not even a year old, had been seen reading without prior instruction. The speechless glances shot into the library over those weeks had been expected. I made sure to do baby-like things, of course, such as making a mess of the table when eating and playing along with Byakuya's parenting. I needed to avoid destroying the image of the child I was supposed to be.

That wasn't to say my enthusiasm hadn't dwindled with the absence of a solution at that point.

'There's only one left, Einzbern,' I said, lacking any hope in the final text.

"Okay. Page," she said monotonously.

I turned the page of the book she was hovering over, closed the one I'd finished reading, and with great effort, pushed it to the side. I approached the final tome and lifted it open to check the index.

This one was entirely dedicated to circuit layout, which didn't sound very promising, given how small the book was.

"Page."

I wandered over to Einzbern's book and turned the page for her again.

"Oh, wait. That's all of it," the ghost sighed, floating away. "Let's get through this last one quickly, then."

I followed her to the tiny book I had recently opened and found the contents page. A quick search of the page numbers allowed me to flip to the first paragraphs of chapter one.

'Circuit layout,' I said. 'Some of the other books touched on this topic a little, but only when it concerned their own. Why would that be?'

"Because circuit layout isn't really important for anything. I mean, sure, it's where circuits can become physically visible when they're used— they glow, that is," Einzbern said, then pointing at a diagram on the open page. "See that? It's where circuits are most likely to be visible when a magus channels magical energy."

The way the diagram was drawn made the figure appear somewhat mechanical, like a robot with its outer skin peeled off leaving all of its 'circuits' completely visible. It was remarkably well done too. Fine lines were crisscrossing each other with superb accuracy, and the inking hadn't leaked into the page much either. For such a mediocre topic, someone had gone to a vast amount of trouble to document it.

Displayed on it were known locations where magical circuits could be physically accessed in order to open them or remove them for crest construction. Most of the information around the diagram indicated leads to further reading in the book regarding the safe handling of the circuits to prevent damage during these procedures.

The medical knowledge within me drew obvious visual parallels. 'Magical circuits aren't related to the central nervous system are they?'

"Not even a little bit," Einzbern said. "The central nervous system is a physical-biological network, but magical circuits are a metaphysical-spiritual network. Nerves are in your body, and circuits are normally in your soul. Naturally, using your nerves to carry magical energy is just asking to die, since the resulting damage can destroy them pretty much immediately."

'You can use your nerves as circuits?'

"It's probably not a good idea to use your central nervous system as a magical circuit, Shinji-kun. Your spine is important," Einzbern said seriously with a lecturing nod.

Inclined to agree, I nodded and returned to the book. Such an obvious risk wasn't worth it, as I doubted I could deal with Zouken in any capacity if I were bound to a wheelchair, permanently bedridden, or just plain dead. I needed to find something else, so I continued to read through the book.

Until an idea emerged.

'What about nerves I don't need? Could I use those as circuits?' I asked.

Einzbern blinked and tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

'The human body is full of vestigial nerves that are either disconnected from the central nervous system entirely or nearly impossible for people to use consciously,' I explained. 'You know how cats can swivel their ears? Humans have the muscles and neural connections to do that too, but the muscles are so weak that it's impossible for most people to even instinctually acknowledge the nerves connected to those systems. So it stands to reason that using them wouldn't be as risky as using, for example, either of the two major nerves in the arms.'

"That… actually makes it sound doable," Einzbern said. She contemplated it momentarily before I turned to the page with the diagram, and we both analysed it carefully.

'Come to think of it, when Zouken opened my circuits the sensation started here,' I directed my finger to the beginning of a line on the diagram and traced the parts of my body I had felt tremble when Zouken activated my circuits. 'Behind the ears, down the neck, along the opposite arm, ends on the palms of my hands… huh? I wonder… would proximity to the actual circuits change the effectiveness of nerve circuits?'

"Shinji-kun, nerve circuits are not something that magi make a frequent study of. Or ever study in the first place," Einzbern said, "I have no idea what could happen. But if this works…"

'Then I'd have a source of magical energy,' I concluded.

To think all that had been standing in the way of me and magecraft was something mages considered worthless or even idiotic…

Some part of me found this kind of exciting.

February 13th, 1987, 9:48 PM, Matou Residence.

Byakuya had just put Shinji to sleep, and while he walked down the hallway towards his own bedroom, he harboured the temptation of a cold drink. He wasn't able to put the urge down completely, though, as before he reached his bedroom, Zouken confronted him.

"Byakuya," the elder said to grasp his attention.

Shinji's father said nothing, but he cleared his throat in acknowledgement.

"… What do you make of the past month?" the elder asked hesitantly.

"The reading?" Byakuya confirmed after a moment.

"What else? After everything I've seen I… must admit I'm at a complete loss," Zouken shook his head and grimaced.

"Maybe he has natural talent," Byakuya said.

"If only. Children are not born knowing how to read Japanese, German and Russian. What if it doesn't end with that, either? Something more is happening."

They remained silent, both of them avoiding eye contact.

"He could simply be treating them as toys," Byakuya speculated to keep the conversation going.

"What I've seen is not just instinctual play!" Zouken tapped his cane as he spoke, earning a flinch from Byakuya. "The books aren't scattered about at random. It's as if there was another person in there with him, but I could detect nothing. There was a process, and all the books he gathered have a common topic."

"Common topic?"

"Magical circuits," Zouken said in exasperation. "It is as though he understands that his own don't function."

"You think the boy is studying magical circuits specifically with the help of… something like an imaginary friend?" Byakuya said carefully.

Zouken chuckled, but he scowled after a moment and turned to leave. "Even with that comment, this conversation was not worth the time. I expect you to keep a closer eye on your— hmm?"

Zouken noticed Byakuya's eyes were raised and squinted in thought.

"A theory?" Zouken pressed as he backtracked towards him.

"I can read Russian," Byakuya stated.

Zouken was briefly baffled.

"Yes, and so can I. Neither of us has tau—" Zouken cut himself off with an expression of realisation, which quickly turned to irritation. "She knew German?"

Byakuya nodded weakly.

Zouken's frown deepened.

"The theory is sound, I suppose. If the inheritor trait has come into play here in some form, then it means that the woman's family hadn't fully understood their own nature," Zouken tightened his grip on his cane. "He read the last of his chosen books today. The behaviour may end."

Byakuya spoke hesitantly. "Sh-Should we encourage it further?"

Zouken took a breath of contemplation, tapping his finger on his canes head as his eyes searched the walls before making a decision. "Change his environment. Expose him to other children his age, perhaps? There are mundane institutions that serve this purpose, I believe."

"Nursery Schools?"

"Whatever they're called, we will see what the difference does."

"I'll need to get a job, for appearances."

"Do what you need to do," Zouken said dismissively before disappearing downstairs.

Byakuya considered his instructions, remaining still in the hallway until he'd gathered his thoughts. He didn't really have to get a job, as it's not unusual for a parent to leave their children at such places even if they didn't need to. But without Shinji at home, he'd probably fall back into drinking.

She wouldn't have wanted that.

Tonight, however, Byakuya surrendered to the temptation and left the house to visit a liquor store. "Only to deal with this minor bit of stress," he reasoned.

The ghost in the hallway simply watched him leave, reflected on the conversation she had heard, and debated how she'd tell Shinji about this.

A/N

Early upload because I'll be busy tomorrow. Lucky you.

Illya's gonna help Shinji get all magical up in here. He's pretty nervous, to be honest.

I hope my portrayal of Zouken doesn't rub anyone the wrong way; bug man needs more things to do, and so does Byakuya. I anticipate I'll be able to use them both to their most magnificent extent in this narrative I've constructed.

Regarding my research for this story, I can't find the footage/material I need ANYWHERE for a very specific bit; if someone can help me with information regarding whether Aoi Tohsaka refers to Kariya Matou with '-kun', '-san', or another honorific, that'd be GREEEAAAAT (I'll just use "san" if I no one can figure it out though). While I'm at it, might as well ask if people are okay with the chapter length being around 3000-5000 words each, as I thought that'd be an appropriate length. Let me know what you think.

You may have noticed I rolled all the dates back a year (yes even in the previous chapters). This is because it would have made Shinji's age inconsistent with the Japanese Education System (Would've made him 16 during his second year of high school and the 5th Grail War, unless at some point he got pushed forward a year in canon, and I doubt that. I already did the math, don't hurt your brain on my account).

Also, I have a good number of you lovely people following my story now! Thank you!

Here are some responses to reviews for chapters 1 and 2:

To jeskes: My first review on FFN… is a little threatening, but thank you regardless.

To shinji is my boy: We ABSOLUTELY need more Shinji fics, I completely agree.

To Guest: I must be either a genius or a complete failure if I somehow managed to convince you that Sakura is a CAT. In all seriousness though, you made me consider that this story's reading level might be slightly high, even if it is rated M(16+). If so, this may require me to add information to the story description, and I'd like to know if anyone reading this agrees or disagrees. Thank you for taking the time to review.

To DSDAD: Thank you so much for your review; it resonated with me, particularly the part about having more generic character dialogue. Chapters 1 and 2 were mostly for the establishment of the premise and creating some basic conflict, which didn't leave room for much else, and what you said really made this clear to me. I'll be keeping your suggestion in mind as I move forward.

To Prt 1, and What if: Both of your comments are similar, so I'll answer them with the same thing: "If you want to write that story, then you should do so. Whether it's good or not depends on your own efforts."

That's it for reviews. Thanks for reading this far!

Pancakes.

-GEOD

Edit 1: Grammar Updated

Edit 2: Tense/Punctuation/Terminology/Style Update.

Edit 3: Lore Review and Corrections.

Edit 4: Big prose Fixer-upper. Minor Changes.

Edit 5: Post Chapter 12 Grammar Update.

Edit 6: Jan 2023 update. Minor paragraphing changes and rephrases.