Shinji's Paradox
Chapter 4:
Nursery Nerves
May 5th, 1987, 6:49 AM, Matou Residence.
The first month after I exhausted the library of its information on magical circuits and started making an effort to create them out of my nerves, I had absolutely nothing to show for it. No matter how many times I whaled on the image of Gilgamesh, the painful sensation I had been expecting to scream in the back of my skull from a successful attempt had not occurred.
I wasn't going to let it get me down, though. Not even a year had passed since the paradox started, and I was pretty sure that most mages would not be channelling od before their first birthday.
After two months, Byakuya had reorganised the library. It was both suspicious and very convenient, as every book on the lowest shelves was now one that contained precious information on magical circuits. I read the books as the days passed to maintain the facade I managed to develop, and Byakuya even used the opportunity to try and teach me to speak whenever he took a break from his job hunting.
I was now able to speak to him with some simple words that I faked a limited understanding of without dropping the act, such as "book", "morning", and "bye". Although I did make an effort to sound childish, intentionally mixing or omitting syllables.
Byakuya also replaced the small cradle I had been sleeping in with a large crib.
And when the calendar rolled into May, I started taking seriously some of the noticeable changes I'd been ignoring in the Einzbern girl. She spoke to me less and took much longer to respond when I called out to her than I remembered. Four days later, I felt like kicking myself for not realising sooner what exactly was happening.
She was somehow bound to keep within a certain distance from me and couldn't interact with the world even slightly. There was no eating or sleeping for her. Just three people in an old and unpleasant mansion. Even then, out of all of us, only I could interact with her. And I didn't think I was an enjoyable companion.
Despite what she has done, she did seem apologetic and has helped me with my studying since then. If I fail to successfully make a nerve circuit, I will need her help in the future. I couldn't risk her going insane, either, as I'd have to deal with the fallout.
It's been a year, and today is my first birthday.
'Good morning, Einzbern-san,' I said through our mental connection.
She eventually appeared in the room and stared at me with half-dead eyes.
'Did anything happen yesterday after I was put to bed?'
She nodded and said, "Byakuya-san finally got employed. He starts today, too."
'Oh? What is he going to be doing?'
"Convenience store clerk. Afternoon shifts."
The image of Byakuya in clerk attire nearly broke my composure. But it didn't surprise me he only got something so simple. Never having worked a day in his life would have severely limited his options, and he wasn't doing too well stress-wise.
"Well… later," she said before turning to disappear through the wall.
'Wait, Einzbern,' I called out. 'You remember the first thing you said after using Paradox?'
She stared at me expressionlessly as she seemed to be trying to remember what happened a year ago. "'Happy birthday', I think." she finally said.
'Could you show me some of that energy again today?'
She looked puzzled for a moment. But soon put on a weak smirk of some sort, taking a long and deep breath with her eyes closed.
"Happy Birthday!" she then called out as loud as she could, throwing her arms up and spinning once in the centre of the room, before she turned to me with a smile, "Worried about me, were you?"
'A little bit,' I said. 'I am kind of surprised you made it this far without completely breaking down.'
"I've endured worse than boredom for much longer. This is nothing," Einzbern said with a wave of a hand, "Besides, the monotony ends today, Shinji-kun."
'What do you mean?'
"You heard me. Byakuya got a job," she smiled. "Or were you hoping to spend the day here with Zouken?"
I was briefly confused, but I eventually remembered the reason Byakuya was job hunting in the first place.
'Great, now I get to hang around a bunch of nose pickers,' I said with a sigh. 'But you're right. It beats being alone with Zouken.'
The door opened, and Byakuya stepped through, smiling at me briefly before opening the room's curtains and letting the morning sunlight in. "Morning, Shinji," he said.
"Mo'ing!" I said as I did every morning, acting as excited as was reasonable.
"I've got a surprise for you today."
I just stared at him and tried to look oblivious.
"Breakfast first, though," he said as he lifted me out of the crib and carried me out of the room.
May 5th, 1987, 11:40 AM, Miyama City Nursery School.
It wasn't my first time outside. Obviously.
But, I had been stuck in and around the Matou building for a year. I was curious to see the rest of Fuyuki City again. Lacking a vehicle, Byakuya had walked from home to the address opposite the riverside park. There was a nursery school here, where Miyama residents that worked in Shinto could leave their children to be cared for until they return home. I thought the location near the bridge was a shrewd decision.
As it would be ridiculous to have a one-year-old walk the distance, I was taken there in a surprisingly comfortable child carrier. It was a warm and sunny day, so I was made to wear a very childish hat to keep the sun off me. The headwear was the same blue as my hair, which, annoyingly enough, had only just started to grow out properly.
Byakuya made his exchange with the woman at the front desk and received a name tag that he attached to the front of my shirt. I was then placed down on a cushion in an extremely childproofed room containing a few supervisors and seven little gremlin creatures that might one day be humans.
"Be good, Shinji," he told me. "I'll be back in a few hours. Maybe make some friends while you're here?"
"Bye?" I recited as I casually rocked side to side on the cushion.
"Yes, bye-bye," He smiled at me and left the room hesitantly.
This was absolutely not the Byakuya I remembered.
"They're all so tiny, Shinji-kun," Einzbern said, looking at all of the infants one by one. After scrutinising them all carefully, she sighed.
'What is it?' I asked, glancing nervously at a pair of young small animals that had begun to approach me.
"I thought maybe I'd find… no, never mind. Oh? Who are your friends?"
As Einzbern finished speaking, a girl landed on her hands and knees in front of me. I stared at the pale grey-haired child, and she gawked back.
"Ai!" she said excitedly, without any kind of meaning behind it.
"Ai?" I repeated, then I found her name tag and…
Himuro Kane.
'The first day out of the house and I've already met someone I know,' I sent to Einzbern. I checked the other name tag only to read a name I didn't recognise. That one wasn't important.
Kane decided to reach out to my face and grasp my cheek. The other creature grabbed the tiny amount of hair on the back of my head and began to tug.
"Well, it seems that they like you," Einzbern joked as I glanced at one of the women supervising all the children, who had the nerve to be amused by the situation and watch on like it was acceptable.
I'm being assaulted, lady!
I stood up to escape the two girls and wandered over to the far side of the room, where there was a lesser concentration of children. Of course, as soon as I left, the girl I didn't know started crying and had to be comforted by the supervisor, who said something about boys and shot me a glare.
Wow, this woman works with children?
I returned the expression, much to her confusion, before I sat on the floor. I needed to put on a convincing act while I'm here, especially considering Zouken was definitely watching. Being aloof amongst strangers would fit the generic expectations people have of a child. Although, I'd have to start "making friends" at some point.
Just not today.
I closed my eyes and returned to working on my method of finding the nerves by my ears and trying to use them as circuits.
"There's really not much here, is there?" said Einzbern. "I'm going to take a look around the building. Working on your circuits again?"
'As you said, there's nothing here. No reason to waste any time,' I said. 'Although I'm worried that this isn't achieving anything.'
"Want to revise the process we thought up again?"
'… Yeah, that's probably a good idea,' I admitted, 'Three months in and all I'm getting is a slight pinch.'
"That's still something," she started, "so you're close at least. You've been envisioning your od and the specific nerves by your ears, merging the two together, then activating your trigger to try turning them into temporary circuits. That was it, right?"
'Yeah, that's exactly it. I don't see what we could change though,' I said as I glanced around the room, watching some of the older children that sat drawing around a table. One of them couldn't reach the box of crayons provided and had to go all the way around to the other side of the table, collect a crayon, and walk back to continue his art.
I refused to admit to myself that they had given me an idea.
'Maybe I should visualise the mana in the air instead?' I speculated.
"No, if you can't do it with your own od, you'll never pull it off using the surrounding mana," Einzbern said. "What about your trigger? I've never asked what it is."
'Punching Gilgamesh in the face.'
"What? Who?" she asked, a little confused.
'The Servant that killed you and then shoved your heart into my gut in the old causality. The trigger I chose is bashing his face in as hard as I can,' I said. 'I wish I could do it for real, though.'
Einzbern stared holes into my skull with her mouth agape, then laughed as she shook her head.
I blinked. 'What?'
"I like that particular image. I'm going to assume it's the same one you used a year ago too. But might I suggest trying a different one?" she said.
I quirked an eyebrow. 'Why?'
"It might not be right for you," she said. "A trigger can be anything; an image, an action, or even a sound. Usually, it's related to how the magus' circuits were opened in the first place."
'I don't want to imagine Zouken's fingers on the back of my skull that often.'
Einzbern shrugged. "Suit yourself. I'm sure you'll find something potent enough. Who knows? Maybe its different because you're trying to use your nerves? Why not try some kind of wound involving the area we're focusing on, like your brains shooting out explosively through the back of your head?"
'Lovely image,' I joked, returning my gaze down to the floor I sat on and starting the process again.
Conceptualise od…
Feel out the nerves…
Merge the two together…
Visualise the back of my head erupting with viscera and bloo—
Ow!
The pain was sharp, and I grit my teeth as it happened. It was much more painful than any of my previous attempts, and I lost my focus immediately and put my hand up behind my ears to massage the sore spot the effort left behind. I didn't feel any magical energy, but that was the most intense reaction I'd had so far.
"Looks like you made progress," Einzbern said.
'Yeah. Thanks for the advice, Einzbern-san,' I replied.
Apparently irritated, she clicked her tongue and quickly made eye contact with me, barely a few centimetres from my face. "When are you going to start calling me 'Illya'?" she demanded.
I remained silent.
"Shinji-kun? Come on, say it! 'Il-ly-a-chan'!" she says with an irritated tone.
I decided to ignore her as I continued to practice.
May 7th, 1987, 11:38 PM, Miyama City.
"Matou-san?" someone called out.
On the way through Miyama City, as Byakuya trekked his way to work with me in the child carrier for the third time, a dark-haired woman pushing a large pram in the same direction seemed to recognise us as we neared each other.
"I thought that was you," she continued as she came closer.
"Zenjou-san?" Byakuya said to the woman, "Aoi, wasn't it?"
"Yes. But I'm a Tohsaka now," she said with a smile.
That meant this was…
… This is Rin and Sakura's mother.
The information surprised me more than I thought it would, as aside from the missing twin-tails, Rin really would take after her in the future. The pram she held onto also became a much more significant matter, but I couldn't see inside from this angle.
"I see… it really has been a while then, hasn't it?" Byakuya said as we continued down the road.
"Are you heading into Shinto?" Tohsaka asked. "I have to stop before the bridge, but perhaps we could walk together?"
"I have to stop before the bridge briefly too, so sure," he agreed.
As Tohsaka eventually lined up beside Byakuya to walk beside him, I was able to see into the pram she was pushing along, and I saw both Rin and Sakura inside. The younger sister was sleeping uncomfortably, wrapped in a blanket with a cherry blossom print. She was protected from the sunlight by both the pram's hood and a hat similar to my own. Rin was awake, also wearing the same embarrassing headpiece. She looked somewhat under the weather, too, a red flush on her cheeks.
Are they ill? I wondered.
"I'm surprised Kariya-kun hadn't told you I married," Tohsaka continued.
"Ah… he and I haven't spoken for a good while," Byakuya said despondently. "We aren't close."
"Oh, I knew you had a falling out, but I thought perhaps you'd made up by now. I apologise," Tohsaka said before hastily changing the subject. "So who's this little one?"
As soon as I became the topic of conversation, Byakuya's mood lifted immediately. "This is my son, Shinji," he said, looking at me… tenderly. I probably wasn't going to get used to that anytime soon.
I remembered I had an act to maintain, and I energetically responded, "Mo'ing!"
"Oh, isn't he sweet?" she said, "How old is he?"
"One, as of two days ago," Byakuya said proudly, before gesturing to the pram, "And these two?"
"Rin is one as well. And Sakura is two months. I already have to walk them both to the doctor for a fever," she sighed. "They're going to be more trouble in the future, I fear."
"Any particular reason you say that?"
"Yes. Rin is awfully loud, and Sakura is louder."
Externally, I can't help but smirk, but internally, I'm hysterical.
"Might I ask for your advice, Tohsaka?" Byakuya asked suddenly.
"Oh? I don't know what I could…" she starts before trailing off.
"No, you might not. But I don't know any other parents."
She thought about this for a few seconds. The implications were subtle, but she seemed to pick up on them and nodded gently.
"If… either of your children were ever in danger, and there was no one else that could help, what would you do?"
I resisted an incredible urge to shoot a surprised glance at him, but I felt my eyes widen wondering where that even came from.
Tohsaka's pace slowed a little at the question, but an understanding seemed to cross her expression, and she smiled softly before matching Byakuya's speed again.
"This morning my husband took the car away on his business," she started, her gaze set straight ahead. "And the phone is broken too, leaving me no means of calling a taxi. So here I am in the late spring sun, walking my daughters all the way through Miyama for something that may not even be worth the worry."
She turned her head towards Byakuya. "Byakuya-san. I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do," she said confidently.
He looked down at me for a moment, and his expression seemed to change somehow.
"I see now why Kariya thought so highly of you," he said, earning an odd look from her. "Thank you, Tohsaka. For the advice."
"Please, Byakuya-san. You may call me Aoi," she said before she glanced around at the immediate vicinity. "The doctor is near here. I assume you're heading to the nursery school?"
"I am," Byakuya confirmed.
"Then this is where we part ways."
"Until next time, then. Aoi-san."
Byakuya watched her leave. And after a few moments, he took a deep breath and continued to the nursery school building. "I think we made some friends, Shinji," he said.
I looked up at the man carrying me, and for a couple of seconds, I almost didn't recognise him.
May 12th, 1987, 11:32 AM, Miyama City Nursery School.
Eight days in a row, Byakuya had hauled me to the nursery school and left me there with a smile. He'd gone to the convenience store on the other side of the Fuyuki Bridge with a spring in his step to do the job he was only doing so he could leave me here in the first place. Whether he enjoyed his daily efforts on the job was something I didn't know, but he had stopped drinking entirely, leaving him rather lively in the mornings when he came to wake me up.
I had made a friend. Or, I at least played out the role of a friend with Kane, and I spent a good deal of time entertaining her whims, from holding random toys to following her around the room. I barely understood why she did anything she did, for obvious reasons, but after only five days, she'd learned to say my name. One of the supervisors had prompted me to learn how to pronounce hers and say it back to her. I hesitantly went along with the effort, and the girl was thrilled, starting a cycle of "Shinji-Kane-Shinji-Kane" that only ended when she got distracted.
When Byakuya was told about it, he let out a hearty laugh.
Upon arriving at the nursery school today, however, Kane wasn't around, and I immediately took the opportunity to practice. If Kane showed up later today, I'd probably struggle to focus at all, so I had to use my time wisely.
"Killing time until your girlfriend gets here, Shinji-kun?" Einzbern teased.
'She's not my girlfriend. But yes, pretty much,' I said as I completed the mental process once more, only to produce the same pinch that had become painfully familiar at this point.
"Did you ever have a girlfriend in the old causality?" The ghost prodded.
'I… guess? I led on a lot of younger girls in high school. That ended pretty much as soon as the war did, though,' I confessed. 'After that, I buried myself in my studies, and wound up being a surgeon… somehow.'
"So you were 'Matou-sensei'?" she asked, suddenly curious. "… Do you think you could do surgery now? Hypothetically, of course."
'This very moment?' I picked myself up and wandered over to the table that always had crayons and paper on it and plucked one of the crayons out of the box. I tested the dextrousness of my hands with some marks on a sheet of paper.
"Well?" she asked.
'I could probably pull it off as long as it's not a super precise procedure. These hands aren't stable enough for that… actually, I'm probably just not used to them yet.' I shot the ghost a look, 'Why?'
"Oh, nothing in particular. It's good to know who has what skills, right?" Einzbern deflected.
I knew she was dodging the question, but I nodded anyway and decided not to press the matter. If she wanted me to do surgery on someone, she could tell me when it matters. That exchange only proved to me that I still had no idea what she was after.
In keeping with my one-year-old act, I carried on making a random mess of the paper and even drew on the table. Which was fine, since the thing was already covered in older crayon marks from years of abuse. All the while, I was running the nerve circuit process over and over.
I thought maybe it was about time I consult with Einzbern again. My method had only been simple trial and error, repeating a process a few times before altering the process slightly to check for differences. Sometimes the pain was greater or lesser with each variation, coming on slower or faster depending on variables like the colour I imagined the od to be, the intensity of the trigger I imagined, or how many nerves I tried to use. And sometimes, there was no pain at all.
I should probably admit that I wasn't making any progress. Even if I was doing it right, maybe the problems my natural circuits had were extending to my nerves as well, meaning the whole idea was a waste of time in the first place.
Einzbern interrupted my thoughts. "Okay, if I can see the frustration on your face, so can the others, Shinji-kun."
'This isn't working, Einzbern. All I'm achieving is a migraine,' I said.
"Are you sure?" she said worriedly.
I gave her a subtle nod.
She adopted a disappointed expression before she floated away and phased through the wall. Whatever she had planned must depend on my own success, and I'd let her down badly. I should probably just ask her about it at some point. It was likely she just wanted to return to her own body and not spend the rest of my life hanging around with nothing to do.
She did say that she's handled something worse than this before. She was a magus, after all. And that meant she probably had to go through some rough training of a sort. Probably extremely painful and nightmarish. Body modifications were standard for mages, right? Like what Sakura endured?
The image of Sakura in the worm pit slowly became a vision of Einzbern in the worm pit.
… Oh, for the love of— I'm such a bleeding heart. Damn it all to hell. I'm a one-year-old kid, and I can be weird if I fucking want to.
I stood hastily and closed my eyes.
Conceptualise od, feel out the nerves, Merge the two together, Visualise the triggering image, a slight pain…
Nothing.
Conceptualise od, feel out the nerves, Merge the two together, Visualise the triggering image, a slight pain…
Nothing, again.
Conceptualise od, feel out the nerves, Merge the two together, Visualise the triggering image, a slight pain…
Nothing. Come on…
Conceptualise od, feel out the nerves, Merge the two together, Visu—
A pair of hands slammed into my back.
Deep in my focus, I didn't physically react in time to catch myself, and my underdeveloped brain wasn't doing reflexes too well yet, so my arms stayed by my side as I toppled forward. My body slammed unimpeded into the floor—
— With a dull, unimpressive thud.
A memory of imminent death came to mind.
Pain wracked the back of my head as if someone had just struck me with a bat. And I felt it as I lay there, dumbfounded on the floor. The energy was pouring out of the nerves and into my natural circuits. As it ran through my neck and arms, I could feel it leaving my body immediately.
As my attention came back to reality, I saw Kane, who, having spotted me immediately after arriving at the nursery school, had charged at me excitedly and reached out to get my attention. She'd pushed me over by mistake while I was distracted.
In my stunned state, I was still converting od into magical energy. The stuff was pouring out of me like water out of a broken dam. I barely registered Kane walking around to my side after I'd face-planted into the floor, reaching out to touch me.
As soon as she lay a hand on me, I could almost see the resulting shockwave of magical energy as it shot through her arm into her body. It violently flooded out through every other limb and the back of her skull.
She immediately collapsed onto her knees, the pained expression on her face slowly twisted into a gag, and she vomited on the floor next to me. The entire room spent a few moments in complete and utter shock.
Then Kane started to cry.
I immediately cut the nerve process once I pulled myself out of my stupor, and one of the supervisor women came over to calm Kane down and make sure she was okay, completely unaware of exactly what kind of agony she must be in. Another of them gently lifted me off the floor and looked me over.
Einzbern re-entered the room and saw the commotion.
"What happened?!" She asked.
'I… am not entirely sure. But, I guess I managed a breakthrough of some sort…'
I returned my attention to the bawling grey-haired girl as the adult tried to calm her down.
Sorry, Kane.
I might have done something terribly irreversible.
That Night.
Zouken was incredibly amused.
As he stood in his study, gazed out the window, and watched the entirety of Fuyuki with his expansive network of familiars, he made no effort to hide a chuckle that had persistently passed his lips with the help of a stubborn smirk that just wouldn't die.
The boy, Matou Shinji, was a complete riot.
No functioning circuits. No formal magecraft education. Hadn't even been alive that long. Just a mind-boggling amount of coincidences leading to what Zouken thought was probably the most hilarious possible outcome.
That faceplant was priceless. The activation of magical circuits in the mayor's daughter of all people was a genuine surprise, too. Byakuya's horror when he returned to find his son's face partly swollen was the icing on the cake.
Oh, Zouken was incredibly amused. And even though he was in such a good-humoured mood, there was something he needed to do.
His attention was brought to the door when Byakuya entered the study. As he stood before Zouken, his nervousness was plain to see.
But he was not as tense as usual, and Zouken took note of that.
"I…" Zouken started, "have some good news."
Byakuya raised an eyebrow.
"Your son seems to have devised a way to generate magical energy without functioning circuits. Using his nerves if I'm not mistaken. He managed the feat today when he fell on his face," Zouken explained.
"That is… indeed good news," Byakuya responded carefully.
"It means our little venture has paid off, even if we didn't achieve our initial goal. I'm still interested to see what kind of magus he'll be. Surpassing my expectations like that was… impressive, I'll admit."
"… Should we continue?"
"Yes. Unless you manage to get yourself fired from that pathetic employ you threw yourself into."
Zouken tapped his cane on the floor.
Byakuya did not flinch.
"… Of course, I now have a different issue to deal with," Zouken said as he sharpened his gaze. "I left a mess partially uncleared."
Byakuya couldn't react in time.
Zouken's cane lifted from the floor and the base collided with his forehead, and through his mystery, he could hear the words of defiance echoing in his skull.
No.
Byakuya fell to his hands and knees on the floor.
The memories flashed in his mind…
And then started to fade.
No!
One by one.
No, I won't!
They were peeled away.
"A simple matter, really," Zouken said, his work done.
I won't lose them!
Joy.
Not these!
Comfort.
Never these!
Cheer.
Stop!
… That beautiful, heart-piercing smile.
A/N
Imagining baby Shinji saying "Oi'yo" every morning made me giddy.
Kane Himuro is that grey-haired girl with the glasses in Homurahara Academy's "Track Team Trio" from Fate/Stay Night. Apparently, she's the daughter of Fuyuki's mayor, which is a good reason for the girl to be at a nursery school while her parents are otherwise occupied. I don't know what her mother does, but it's not too unusual to think that a Japanese couple would leave their child at a nursery school. According to my spider web of informants, it's common practice, as it helps children to develop independence from their parents early.
I don't know if I should have characters address her father as "Mayor-san", "Shichou-san", or "Himuro-Shichou". I'm assuming Himuro would be… a bit more personal than maybe acceptable from strangers? And "shichou" just means "mayor", but I don't know if that would be too unclear to any of you, since most of you likely only read in English, and may not know too many specific Japanese words.
I might not include the guy in the story if I can't help it.
Also, if anyone with knowledge of Japanese Honorifics thinks I should change "Matou-sensei" in this chapter into "Matou-gekai"(Matou-surgeon, I think) please let me know. I'm doing my best but these things are subtly complicated and… I don't speak Japanese. :(
As for Zouken getting a kick out of Shinji's faceplant? I mean, I kept in the night scene where Zouken was reflecting on the whole debacle because… I thought it was good. But I'm not sure if Zouken enjoying something as inane as accidental injury humour fits his character very well though, as he may be more of a 'pain and suffering' kind of guy.
Finally, writing Byakuya as a doting-father-type warms my heart.
… unfortunately, warm hearts aren't allowed in the Matou Household.
Review responses:
RayDjok: I'm glad you find my interpretation of the Nasuverse magic system digestible. And if a good Fate/stay night—Rugrats crossover exists; FIND IT, AND THEN TELL ME WHERE IT IS.
CryptIXeeper: Oh, yes. I'm having a LOT of fun. *rubs hands together menacingly*
DSDAD: I'm glad you like my story and all my attempts to fill in the holes in Nasu-metaphysics. And thank you for your insight on Kariya/Aoi and the chapter length; I'll be making good use of the info.
Aira Aura: You're welcome! And there DOES need to be more Shinji fan fiction. People SLEEPING on the guy's potential.
And that's all the responses.
I would very much appreciate any more feedback that you readers are willing to share. Hit me with the mean ones. I want it. Badly. Do NOT be gentle. :)
Peace.
-GEOD
Edit 1: Post Chapter Twelve Grammar Update.
Edit 2: Jan 2023 update. Made a few assumptions about circuit triggers that bled into when Shinji and Illya discuss them. My knowledge of how they function has grown since then, so I made some alterations.