Shinji's Paradox

Chapter 5:

Daddy Issues

May 13th, 1987, 7:17 AM, Matou Residence.

I sat in my crib that morning and used my nerves to convert od into magical energy, letting the stuff trickle through my otherwise useless circuits before it spilled out as soon as it entered. As it ran in and out of my neck, arms, and hands, excitement seized me, and I couldn't help but imagine the possibilities. The thought that it took the memory of a near-death experience reinforced the conclusion I'd come to after the grail war. I never had what I needed to achieve anything like this in the old causality.

The energy left my nerves naturally and entered my magical circuits after I'd converted it. If I intentionally aided the process it would flow from one to the other even faster. If I didn't let it into my natural circuits at all, I could keep using the nerve method for a few minutes at a time before my head became too hot and painful to continue.

But it was magical energy! I didn't care if it hurt!

Since I had yet to find a time limit when I did allow it to move into my circuits, I'd been practising that method since I woke up this morning half an hour ago, and I felt like I could keep it up for even longer.

The ghost entered the room through the wall as she did every morning while I continued the process, watching me closely before humming to herself thoughtfully.

"You're channelling aren't you?" she asked, a knowing smirk playing on her face.

'I've been trying to find out how long I can do it if I let the energy move from my nerves into my circuits.' I explained. 'I can generate it for a lot longer like this. It still leaks out, though.'

"I don't have any way to detect it, so I can't tell if you're actually doing anything or not," she said with a frown. "I'm going to have to take your word for it."

'This is definitely magical energy,' I reassured her. 'Unless there's another kind of sensation that can run through magical circuits like this then I don't think there's any reason to doubt it.'

"True," Einzbern said as she hovered around the room in thought. "We need to talk about the girl, though."

'Yeah, I know,' I said, letting my nerves calm down and letting the energy flow into my circuits where it all dissipated. 'She's Himuro Kane. One of my high school peers in the old causality, and the mayor's daughter.'

"Definitely not from a magus family then?"

'I don't think so. The Tohsakas or Zouken would have known, and she would have been involved in the Grail War. Or at least left Fuyuki while it was happening, but I… vaguely remember she was there.'

"Well, do you want to check up on her?" Einzbern asked. I didn't understand why she asked that, so I frowned at her to prompt her to elaborate. "If she has magical circuits, they're open now, and since you had no idea what you were doing it might have been done improperly."

'What happens if that's the case?'

"She'd be in a lot of pain, I suppose," she explained. "Magical circuits are complicated things, and while they're usually not something normal people ever have to worry over, for mages they are a vital organ, like lungs, almost. And if a lung isn't working properly… you understand?"

She didn't finish her explanation, but I didn't need her to. Kane clearly didn't respond well to the sudden pulse of magical energy, considering how she shook when it happened. The vomiting too. I might see her at nursery school again today if her parents hadn't considered it unsafe.

Maybe they would keep her at home if it appeared that she was ill. If that were true, then I'd have to make time to check on her at some point and maybe open them properly. Einzbern could help me with that.

I'd have to explain everything to Kane when she was older. The secret of magecraft and everything else going on in Fuyuki. There's a chance she could get involved in the grail war when it came around, too.

As that thought danced in my mind, an idea came forth and made itself somewhat appealing.

'Einzbern,' I said, catching her attention, 'Would it be unreasonable for me to… maybe bring her in on all of this when she's older?'

"Taking advantage of a young girl, huh?" Einzbern said with a smile.

'Well… yes. Not the way you're insinuating— don't think I didn't notice— but I'm probably going to be forced into the grail war by Zouken unless I manage to kill him beforehand. I dont want to die in the conflict, so having an ally is a solid move.'

Einzbern laughed. "I don't think you should be dragging seven-year-olds into the grail war, Shinji-kun."

'What do you mean "seven-year-olds"? We have sixteen years, dont we?'

"Oh… you meant the fifth. I was referring to the fourth. It's in six years or so," Einzbern revealed, earning a gaping stare from me. "You didn't know?"

'No. I didn't,' I said. 'If it's in six years, then… I wasn't around for it last time.'

"Um… why?" Einzbern asked.

'Byakuya sent me to an overseas school in London,' I told her.

There had been another grail war here when I was seven years old, and I'd never known. It only made clear the lengths that Zouken and Byakuya had gone to keep me in the dark before I found out about magecraft.

I remembered the fifth war pretty well, though, and I thought back to it a lot after everything settled down. I'd been completely hopeless, bumbling around Fuyuki like I was some kind of chosen king. It was a wonder I had even survived; Servants fought like forces of nature, and I'd entered the whole affair practically blind.

I wasn't going to do that again, though.

'I don't think we should be trying to get involved in that,' I said.

Einzbern looked surprised. "Really? I thought you'd be jumping at the opportunity. What makes you want to avoid it?"

'Because I'd be seven,' I said derisively. 'There's no way Zouken and Byakuya would let me even try. And I don't want to be involved in some magi conflict as a little kid— that would be suicide.'

"That didnt stop me," she said with her best effort of an endearing grin.

'Oh, don't bother.' I chided her. 'I've already put it together that you're older than you look.'

She dropped the act and pouted. "Well, I just thought that maybe summoning a Servant would help you out with Zouken."

'Yes, it might. But then I'd have to deal with six other dangerous magi and their Servants, too. Besides, I dont even want the damned cup.'

A groan escaped her, and she glared off to the side in thought.

'Is there another reason?' I asked.

"Uh… no," she said unhappily, not even bothering to look at me.

I could help but note that she seemed eager to get involved in the whole thing. Perhaps she still had some kind of wish for the grail? Even if that was the case, I wasn't going to risk my life for it.

'So… about Himuro-san, again,' I said, returning to the previous topic. 'What should we do?'

She took a breath to ease her frustration and then said, "Other than finding out if she has circuits that could be harming her, we need to remember that Zouken knows. He was watching the entire time so it's guaranteed. There's probably no real reason he'd bother with her, but he'd definitely keep her in mind."

Something about that particular idea didn't sit right in my head. 'I think Zouken does have a reason to involve himself with Himuro-san.'

"What would that be then?"

'You ever meet Sakura?'

"Oh, yes. Your sister. I never met her, but I knew of her. Wait, how did you have a sister if…?" she stopped talking, but I knew that she was avoiding bringing up Mother.

'In the old causality, she was adopted from the Tohsakas so the Matou clan would have an heir that was actually capable of using magecraft. She was my replacement, basically. The same is probably going to happen this time, but now he has two options; Sakura and Kane.'

"To replace you?" she asked.

'Yes. Because I couldn't use magecraft.'

She didn't respond, instead just staring at me patiently.

'What?' I eventually asked.

"You can use magecraft, Shinji-kun," she said with a laugh, tapping the back of her head.

Oh, right.

'Never mind. I'm an idiot. He doesn't need either of them,' I said with embarrassment.

"Was this one of the things you were thinking about altering based on your memories?" Einzbern asked.

'I didn't think I'd ever get a say in it, and by the time we'd decided to deal with Zouken I'd stopped thinking about that as much,' I explained. 'But I'd say that if it came to it, I would have probably intervened in some way. Mostly out of guilt.'

This was good, though. Sakura didn't have to suffer this time around. I'd made a huge difference just by managing to generate magical energy, and it was probably one of the better ones.

This time, Sakura could live without the crest worms. I felt a smile on my face, and I didn't want to hide it.

Good for you, Sakura.

"What happened to her… exactly?" Einzbern asked.

There went the smile. 'You know the worm pit under the house?'

She nodded.

'Zouken used it to torture her. As soon as she got here, I think,' I explained with a guilty tone. 'That would have made her six when it started. I wasn't here for that part though. Still, ten years of torture, and I didn't even try to help her. I just made it worse, really.'

"It doesn't sound like you had a direct hand in it. Maybe you shouldn't feel so sorry for something that wasn't your fault?"

I looked away from her, and the shame was probably evident. 'I'm… not entirely innocent.'

"Well, it can't be as bad as the worms. Those things look like they'd make short work of anyone within minutes. So many teeth…" she said with disgust. "It's probably best to talk about it if it bothers you so much. What did you do? Steal her toys? Pull her hair a few times? Scare her friends away?"

I was a little taken aback by the utter meaninglessness of what she was suggesting. 'It wasn't something so childish, we were teenagers when it happened.'

She tilted her head to the side with a perplexed look.

There was really no point in hiding it. 'I raped her. A lot.'

The perplexed expression changed to something else as she backed away slightly.

"Scum," she declared.

I nodded in agreement, and the conversation ended there.

May 13th, 1987, 11:07 AM, Matou Residence.

Eventually, Byakuya entered my room.

He'd helped me dress, he'd taken me all the way to one of the dining rooms downstairs for breakfast, and brought me to the living room where our mornings were often spent before he put on his work uniform and dressed me for nursery school.

But something was wrong.

If I hadn't just ended the discussion with Einzbern on that topic, I'd have been in a better frame of mind and realised sooner. This was our morning routine, and he performed it as flawlessly as he did every day since he started taking me to nursery school. The only difference was that his recent enthusiasm was missing.

I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. Only a week or so had passed since we started this routine of ours, and I thought it was enjoyable for Byakuya until now. I wondered if I'd done something to trigger this change through some means, but I hadn't seen him since I'd gone to sleep last night.

This was more like how I remembered him from the old causality. Quiet and half-dead, sparing no thought for anything but the bottle he would have had at his lips. The only differences were the lack of alcohol and the efficiency he carried out his tasks. He had barely looked at me all morning, and whenever he did, he would always put on a faint, confused scowl.

Like he didn't understand what was going on.

'Einzbern-san, Byakuya is starting to freak me out,' I started.

"Oh? Is that so?" she said monotonously.

'Really, Einzbern?! What if this is important?' I said as Byakuya lifted me into the child carrier. 'Was this me or Zouken?'

"… Tch. Fine," the ghost said before Byakuya started fumbling with the front door. "I saw him speaking with Zouken last night. He was hit with that cane, right in the middle of his forehead. I don't know exactly what changed, but if I had to guess, it was some form of memory manipulation."

'… I see.'

Zouken works quickly.

But I knew this. And as soon as Einzbern had confirmed Zouken's involvement, I knew it was going to be something discomforting. Nothing about this was entirely surprising. I don't know what memories were taken from him, but seeing him like this was upsetting. I had almost let myself think that he may have been able to help me deal with Zouken at the end when it really mattered. Or even to get him to—

No. It was stupid to dream of pleasant times as long as Zouken lived. I would see him dead, then could I think about happiness. And Byakuya was fated to waste away into a helpless drunk, so I shouldn't bother bringing myself to care if he ever got himself taken out by Zouken.

I wouldn't need him. Never have.

'Einzbern-san,' I said as I was carried down the street by the useless drunkard.

"Yes, Matou-san?" she replied sourly.

'If you don't want to hang around then I don't blame you. We do need to talk about magecraft that we can use against Zouken specifically, though. We can deal with that later if you want,' I told her.

"… You're right. I'll brainstorm a little. I'll even go find the familiar he uses to watch you and look at it a bit more closely. You can go drink orange juice with your future victims while I do all the hard work, fiend," she said as she floated along behind Byakuya.

I supposed this was as much as I deserved.

The nursery school came into sight, and Byakuya made the almost autonomous motions to walk through the gate and towards the front door. As he entered the building, he caught the eye of a woman cradling their child at the reception desk.

"Matou-san?" she called out to him. Byakuya paused at the interaction but eventually decided to approach them. It was Kane and who I assumed to be her mother. Like us, they had only just arrived and were checking in with the woman at the reception desk.

"You are Matou-san, right?" said Kane's Mother as Byakuya drew close to them.

"I am," said Byakuya, pulling himself out of his melancholy. "You must be Himuro-san."

"Yes, I am. I didn't have the opportunity to meet you yesterday after Kane-chan here pushed little Shinji-kun," Himuro said. "We'd like to take the opportunity to apologise. Isn't that right, Kane-chan?"

Kane appeared to be rather sleepy and was dosing away in her mother's arms. She looked comfortable being cradled like that, drifting into fleeting dreams against her mother's bosom, and I quickly smothered a twinge of envy that I felt threatening my state of mind.

"I see. Well, these things happen. I'll accept your apology, but I really don't think it was anyone's fault," Byakuya said politely. "I understand that your daughter made a mess at the time. Is she well?"

"Our doctor told me that there is nothing worth being concerned about. She is actually more lively than she was before, too," Himuro explained.

Just from her outward appearance, I could tell that Kane had recovered from yesterday's incident. If this meant her circuits had been opened without any complications, then that was good. But I couldn't make assumptions, particularly with issues related to magecraft. I had no experience with them beyond the Holy Grail War and my own death.

She might not even have circuits in the first place and had simply recovered from the intrusion of strange energy. That outcome would be for the better, as dragging someone into the world of magecraft would probably sit poorly on my conscience. Especially at this age.

And in this city.

As I had discussed with Einzbern that morning, I needed to keep an eye on Kane somehow. Even if Zouken had no need to replace me, there was still no telling what he might do given the opportunity, and I didn't want something I had done to result in someone else falling victim to his machinations. It would be a good idea to stay close and spend time with her, or at least watch her from a distance, to see if there are any significant changes.

"I was actually more worried if this would happen again, or if being around my daughter would upset your son," said Himuro-san.

At this, the woman that sat behind the reception desk chimed in. "Himuro-sama, Matou-sama. If you would like us to keep a sharper eye on these two, or even keep them separated, please don't hesitate to ask."

I recognised her as Hinode Wakumi, the supervisor that I had glared at a little over a week ago, so I gave her another glare, and she, surprisingly, returned it. I couldn't stop a genuinely startled expression from crossing my face, and the woman put on a condescending smirk without gaining the attention of Kane's mother or Byakuya.

I couldn't tell if I was the only one getting this kind of treatment or if this woman was just way too unpleasant with children to be working in a nursery school.

My attention returned to Kane as she slept in her mother's arms, slightly roused by the conversation but slowly falling back into her drowsiness. I vaguely recalled her appearance, or her future appearance, in high school and subconsciously began comparing the two images I had of her from then and now. I stared at Kane intensely as I was thinking, and only after a few seconds did her mother pick up on it.

I realised I must have been wearing some kind of expression in my deep thought, and the woman's attention had wiped it from my face. I didn't know what kind of look it was. Had I seemed frightened? Angry?

I expected her to speak up and say something about it to Byakuya, probably something that would distance me from Kane for good.

But someone else spoke first.

"Shinji…" said the little girl, half awake and peering at me through the narrow opening between her eyelids.

… Himuro Kane, you're a genius, I thought with gratitude.

"Kane!" I said with my best tone of excitement.

And just like that, Kane perked up and was wide awake.

"Shinji!" she retorted.

"Kane!" I continued.

We repeated our back-and-forth chant just as we had done a few days ago, and the adults stayed quiet until Kane's mother failed to barely stifle a laugh.

"Well, then," Himuro began, "it seems that I was fretting over no— Matou-san?!"

I looked up in surprise, and a tear fell on my cheek.

What…?

"I… I'm sorry. I was… I needed to…" Byakuya was struggling to speak, apparently baffled by his own emotions.

Why?!

He eventually managed to force out a complete sentence. "I must have been more worried than I thought. I'm so sorry."

"Oh, Matou-san, it's perfectly fine," Himuro said.

Byakuya cleaned up his face, wiped the tear off my own cheek, and glanced around the room. He found a clock on the nearby wall and took a deep breath.

"I have to go or I'll be late for work," he said. "Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, Himuro-san."

"The pleasure was all mine, Matou-san."

Both Kane and I were seated in the playroom with the other children. But before Byakuya had left, he turned back to me and waved. "Bye-bye," he said.

"Bye," I called back to him, and he faintly smiled and finally went on his way to work. Once he'd left, only the other children, the supervisors, and I remained in the room.

Einzbern was here too, apparently having abandoned her observation of Zouken's familiars to watch me intently. "I saw the whole thing," she told me.

'Do you have any idea what could have set Byakuya off like that?' I asked.

"You do know he's your father, right?" she said, tilting her head.

I quirked an eyebrow. 'What's that got to do with anything?'

She glared at me with cold eyes and then rolled them as she sighed.

"You know what? Never mind, idiot," she said coldly before turning to leave. "I just think it's good he seems to have recovered from what happened last night a little. I'll be hunting familiars to stare at for no reason. Have fun. Or don't. I won't care either way."

I spent a brief moment wondering what exactly all of that was about. Whatever it was, though, I decided that I didn't care either.

It was more important right now that I thought about investigating Kane and whether she had magical circuits. I didn't know how to look into it, but if I found a way to check her for them in the future, it would be easier to do that if she trusted me.

And the best way to do that was to simply be her friend.

All I needed to do was spend time with Kane.

Time to play.

May 13th, 1987, 8:42 PM, Shinji's Bedroom.

Upon arriving home, Byakuya decided to get to sleep earlier. He didn't say so out loud, but I suspected it was the combined exhaustion of work today and what Zouken did to him last night. I didn't make a fuss about it, though, as I needed time to talk to the ghost. It was time to put some effort into learning magecraft, and I didn't want to delay any further.

After I'd been helped into my crib and Byakuya had left the room, Einzbern entered and made herself comfortable floating about in the air as she always did. "Looked like you were having fun today," she said calmly.

'Yeah. Sure. I had fun,' I responded in a flat tone. 'But right now, I need to know what I should be doing magecraft-wise. Did you learn anything about Zouken's pets?'

"I wasn't able to discern anything specific about the familiars just from plain observation. I can't use magecraft like this, so I couldn't exactly analyse them any further."

'Then I guess… we just start with the basics?'

The ghost sighed and pretended to sit in the air beside me. "Yes, but we have some direction at least. I'd expect that Zouken's magecraft pretty much revolves around those familiars of his. Giant phantasmal worms, flying flesh-eating insects, and of course the things his body, or bodies, are made from. I'm not even sure he has a human body anymore."

'Seriously?'

"Yep. That makes him a wraith. Which… complicates things."

'So what should I do first?'

"Matou-san, we still have a long way to go before we start focussing on any of Zouken's possible weaknesses. Before that, you need to understand your own potential as a mage. This includes your elemental alignment and any other specific qualities you may have that could influence the nature of the magecraft you'll be able to use," she took a breath. "As you said, we need to start with the basics."

'Anything specific we need?'

"There's not really anything we can do for a lot of things until you're old enough to gather the materials you'll need on your own, but I imagine Zouken and your father might actually help you with that. They'll probably teach you some of the Matou clan's magecraft, and will investigate your elemental alignment for you."

'In short, I just have to wait until I'm older. Again. Great…'

That same moment, Matou Residence, Worm Pit.

Irritation.

That is what Zouken felt as he watched Shinji through his familiar. The child lay awake in his crib, silent as ever. The worms chittering in the pit were loud and screamed to be fed, but Zouken ignored them so he could focus.

Byakuya.

Byakuya, Byakuya, Byakuya…

Zouken had gone out of his way to keep the single parent in line, only for the one-year-old child to re-kindle his father's vigour the very next day. And while the inevitable deterioration of Byakuya's loyalty was unfortunate, nothing about that suggested he would be less inclined to run a few errands or perform a few tasks. He knew the cost of going against Zouken's word, and there was no way he'd abandon his son at this point just to refute an order.

Byakuya is not needed for anything other than raising the boy, though.

Useful. But not important. That was not what was so irritating in the first place, however. Zouken had planned to implant his crest worms into the next Matou heir as soon as they could generate magical energy… but this?

The boy was too young and wasn't even using his circuits. He was using his nerves. And this meant that Shinji, despite everything else, was still completely and utterly…

Fascinating.

So incredibly fascinating that Zouken was worried that implanting his worms would result in unnecessary problems. The wrong move in this situation might drive the Matou bloodline into the ground. And Zouken would not permit such a thing as long as he had a hand in it.

If Zouken was to assume that the effects of the inheritor trait, having not influenced Shinji as planned, were responsible for most of the boy's unusual behaviour, then what else could they have done? If there was something in the boy that was valuable, irreplaceable, or could prove to be extremely important at some point, then Zouken risks destroying it. Would the crest worms cause any avoidable damage?

They just might.

And that was unacceptable.

The space behind the skull occupied by the nerves the boy used was infinitesimal. There was no room for crest worms to grow, and so there was no way they could feed there. Shinji would be going to school at some point, and the shifting, pulsing, squirming creatures would undoubtedly be noticed by the mundane people involved with him if they were in such a location. Would these people try to interfere?

They just might.

And that was unacceptable.

Crest worms could physically attach to nerves, but Zouken didn't know if they could force the host to use them to convert od in the same way. If they attached themselves to his unusual circuits, they might not be able to feed on magical energy when they desired. Would the crest worms resort to consuming his bone marrow and brain?

They just might.

And that was unacceptable.

Zouken was barely keeping himself together as he held himself back from using his worms as a means to vent his frustrations. The situation was unprecedented, challenging, and most of all irritating beyond anything he'd had to deal with before. Zouken had not thought at any point that the Matou clan would end by his own decision.

If the boy had not been able to perform magecraft, he could still sire a new heir. And despite being the failed result of the same effort, it was still a viable method. Unwanted girls from other bloodlines weren't rare, after all.

Zouken brought as much of his mental capacity from across his network of worms as he could. He needed to think hard about this development, and the way he saw the situation, there was very little room for error. Perhaps the boy will develop some kind of change in his circuits? If it allowed the boy to use them to convert od, that would make it safer to implant the worms.

… Should Zouken just wait, then?

The chittering in the room stopped as Zouken took a deep breath and forced the writhing mass to be silent with a single thought.

He would wait.

But for how long?

A/N

I recently discovered that "Prana" is a mistranslation or simply fan terminology and can be used interchangeably with "Magical Energy".

Call it a pointless nitpick, sure, but I don't like the word "Prana". So much that I might go back through the previous chapters and ELIMINATE it from them AND my vocabulary.

Don't ask why; I have no idea, But I just didn't like using the word, so I'd appreciate it if someone would weigh in on the matter.

(UPDATE: I've decided to murder the word "Prana" in public.)

Anyway, I don't want my author's notes to always be too long anymore, so I'll end my spiel here. As usual, please leave a review. Anything is fair game, so be as mean as you want.

Review Responses:

AlphaOneOne: I am a monster. I enjoy making characters suffer a little too much, I'll admit. It makes the ending of their stories much more interesting; whether they conquer their foes or become another tragedy is the symbolic picture frame of the image that is a narrative, and what happens to them is the art itself.

DSDAD: It makes me happy that you like what I'm doing here, and I'm looking forward to Kane's role in the story too.

Guest: I think you're the fella from the review on Chapter 1 or one of those two from Chapter 2. I appreciate the suggestion either way, but I've got most of this story plotted out already, including Sakura's place in it all. Thank you for taking the time to review. Also, make an account, dude. It's free, and it helps writers understand who exactly they are responding to.

That's it for reviews.

Peace.

-GEOD

Edit 1: Post Chapter Twelve Grammar Update.

Edit 2: Jan 2023 update. Minor grammar and spelling checks. Removed a few inconsequential lines.