Shinji's Paradox
Chapter 8:
Ache
November 18th, 1988, 7:16, Matou Residence.
Not even a year ago, I would have intentionally dropped some of this porridge onto the table or the floor as a part of the act I had upheld since I returned to infancy, imitating the random and messy behaviour children my age were known for. If I was ever in the habit of wasting food, then I probably ended that particular mannerism after the fifth war, as Sakura had demonstrated above-average ability in the kitchen during those years.
Byakuya wasn't the most proficient chef, so he'd sought out a very simple cookbook and started to prepare meals for me. He had been watching me with a little bit of pride as I carefully fed myself the homemade porridge with a small spoon.
"You're doing a good job, Shinji," Byakuya said, watching me blow the heat off a spoonful of porridge. "Do you like it?"
Pulled out of my thoughts, I had half a mind to tell him that it was bland and tasteless… but it was actually somewhat palatable. "Mmm," I said as I put the spoon in my mouth.
That seemed to make him happy. "… Mark that page," he muttered to himself, eating from his own bowl.
The small amount of sugar sprinkled on top was probably appealing to my young mind, and it had given me a reason to worry about how my underdeveloped brain affected my decision-making. Being the child that I was made the physical differences evident from day one, but I didn't feel any different mentally or know what kind of state my prefrontal cortex was in.
The nightmares probably weren't helping.
Ever since that initial one in May, I'd had similar visions that were just as fragmented and distorted. I knew that dreams didn't stay within the scope of reasonable understanding in the first place, but compared to normal ones, there was an unusual sense of familiarity that felt like it didn't belong. I was convinced that there was definitely some kind of magical effect at play here because whatever I was seeing faded from my recollection painfully and left behind a headache as I woke each morning.
Byakuya eventually decided to have me sleep in his bed beside him instead of the crib so that he could make sure I wouldn't wake up alone. According to him, I would cry and grunt in discomfort before waking up middle of the night sporting a mix of fever symptoms and lacking an actual fever, and there was no change in my appearance other than the continued paling of the hair behind my ears. But that was due to the nerve trauma, not the nightmares.
He always seemed worried whenever I got his attention in the middle of the night, asking me if I needed anything, and would usually give me some children's painkillers he'd gone out of his way to stock up on. I wasn't buying the act, of course; he didn't really care. And I was sure it was a performance he maintained just so he could relay what little information I told him to Zouken.
The elder would always listen to Byakuya's descriptions before examining me personally every morning. He mostly checked the main features of my face for things for residual magical effects that might indicate the presence of a curse. As much as I dislike him, I had the same worries and put up with his inspections with a slight hope that he'd find something hinting at a cause, but he never found anything.
I finished eating and held my head as it started to ache again. I rubbed my temples, hoping to soothe the pain slightly.
I had no idea what to do. What would happen if it continued for the rest of my life?
"Are you okay?" Byakuya asked.
"Head hurts," I told him.
"I… suppose I could give you another tablet," he stood up, muttering something about the label on the painkiller box. "I'll be right back, Shinji."
He left the dining room towards his bedroom with haste in his gait.
"Byakuya's not taking this whole ordeal very well," Einzbern said as she hovered over to me.
'I think you mean "very seriously",' I said as I yawned.
"What…? Can't you tell?"
'What do you mean?'
"Well… he's kept up at night by whatever it is that's going on with you, he works long afternoon shifts almost every day, does all the housekeeping and cooking, and he manages the Matou estate in Zouken's stead; he's completely exhausted. We should at least be glad his drinking isn't getting any worse."
'It will get worse. Trust me.'
"Is there nothing you can do about it?"
'Why would I want to do anything about it?'
"He's your father, isn't he?"
I groan from the combined stress of the headache and the ghost's babbling.
'Okay, Einzbern,' I start with a sigh. 'There's something you need to understand about Byakuya; all of this "doting father" nonsense is an act, he's going to get colder and more distant before he starts ignoring me completely, and he's going to reach the point of depravity where his very presence is indistinguishable from the smell of alcohol.'
"… That doesn't sound like something you wouldn't be able to stop, Matou-san," she said, as she cocked her head to one side.
I took a deep breath. 'Byakuya is going to drink himself to death, and I can't think of any reason I'd want to stop him. I will never see him again after that, and I don't doubt for a second that I'll be better off for it."
The emotion had drained from her face as I spoke, and she ended up leering at me stoically, abandoning any breathing or blinking. Whatever words she was considering unloading on me seemed to have been caught in her throat.
I stared back at her, retaining eye contact with her to reinforce the seriousness of my position on the topic, and she dropped her gaze to the floor briefly before she wordlessly turned around and passed through the wall, leaving me alone to continue the battle with my headache.
Einzbern just didn't understand. And why would she? Sure, she'd known Byakuya for a little over two years, but I'm the one who really knew him better. He was my father… for lack of a better word.
As pleasant as it would be to bring the man to his senses and maybe foster some kind of… whatever that kind of relationship is called, where would I even begin? I spoke to him plenty, but that was just me putting up with his performance. I acted like a child, and he acted like a parent; we were already perfect for each other.
Some things were just inevitable, and trying to stop them would only be a waste of time. I knew what was going to happen— I'd seen it. Byakuya's fate was the same as—
… As hers.
The pain wouldn't go away, no matter how much I rubbed my temples.
There had to be something I could do. There was no reason Byakuya couldn't be helpful. Could I get him in on this somehow? Perhaps tell him about the Paradox and maybe work together to get rid of Zouken?
No. That was ridiculous. Byakuya was terrified of Zouken, and the elder only thought of him as an expendable lackey. I knew he always did everything Zouken ever asked of him— he even helped torture Sakura whenever Zouken didn't have time. The man was more likely to stop me from dealing with Zouken than he was to help me kill him.
What about the memories? The elder stole them from him for some reason. Maybe they held some kind of reason for Byakuya to rebel? They must have been something problematic if Zouken went out of his way to deal with them. If I could figure out what it was that was erased, then maybe after I finally got my circuits working I could find or design some kind of magecraft that would let me restore his mem—
"Shinji."
I looked up from my aching delirium and noticed Byakuya standing beside me, having returned to the dining room with a painkiller and a glass of water.
"Here you go," he said as he seated himself beside me once more. "This should be okay."
He helped me take the tablet, and I drank the water carefully.
I needed to stop thinking about this… it was just the headache doing this to me. I had already taken the painkiller, so all I had to do now was wait, and then I could finally get my thoughts in order. Really… these headaches were no joke.
They made me think the strangest things.
January 10th, 1989, 3:51 PM, Miyama City Nursery School
I waved goodbye to Kane as her mother came to collect her before I lowered my head onto the low table in front of me to catch a moment of rest. After having those dreams daily for such a long time, I learned that they only ever bothered me during the night. Byakuya had explained what was going on to the nursery school staff— including Hinode— and they'd made sure that I had space to get the rest I needed.
I was able to sleep as much as I wanted here. A valuable reprieve when my nights were so restless. I didn't spend every single hour asleep, though, as I didn't want to set my body's circadian rhythm to some kind of nocturnal pattern. Kane was helpful in that regard, as she would always be pining for my attention for random reasons and would even go as far as to jostle me by the shoulders if I didn't pay attention. It was a little bit annoying to put up with her antics, but she helped me out in a simple, childish way.
Without any of the other children here, the nursery school playroom was wonderfully quiet. The only sounds were the conversations of the school's staff and a rhythmic ticking. I was the only child here, and some of the supervisors were preparing to go home themselves. A quick look at the clock convinced me that Byakuya had been delayed for some reason, as he usually arrived before ten to four, ready to help me into the child carrier and begin the walk home.
The idiot probably decided to stop off at a liquor store somewhere.
"He's late today…" Einzbern noted.
'Obviously,' I responded sourly. 'I'm surprised he doesn't do it more often.'
"It's not too late to try and put him on a better path, Matou-san," she said. "Are you certain you don't want to?"
'Positive.'
"He's been—"
'Shut up,' I snapped. 'It's none of your business.'
The ghost backed away and dropped the conversation as I lowered my head back onto the table once again. I teetered on the brink of sleep for the next few minutes and overheard some of the staff talking about trying to contact Byakuya somehow. I wondered why they hadn't just called him briefly before I remembered that mobile phones aren't something just anyone has yet.
I was so tired, and… this table made an… awfully good pillow.
…
In the Snow
I'm looking for… something. Stepping through the cold white expanse, whiter than white and brighter than light.
Step. Step.
The clouds above… rolling through the sky, unimpeded. Tumbling free across the faint blue. Faster and faster into a messy blur. Faster than anyone could keep up with. Faster than the white glitter that ascends from below into everything.
Rolling glitter.
The mountains reach up. They cannot touch the clouds. Foolish mountains.
Once I reach— once I find… there— that… I may do what I am meant to do. What I need to do.
It's cold. The light is cold, the white is cold, and I am cold. The trees, buried in the white dance in their snowy gowns as the frozen winds howl through their limbs. It's cold.
Howling cold.
Then it's in my breath. The clouds are rolling out of my mouth with every huff.
Glittering huffs.
I need to find it. I need to find it. I need to find it.
It's my last task. My final assignment. The end of my trials.
Then I can…
Then I can get my revenge.
… I left something behind. Does it matter? No, it can rot, it can fade, it's not good enough for me. I can get another after this. It's expendable. A waste. Replaceable. Useless.
I need to keep going.
Step. Step—
—shifting sounds.
Quiet.
I turn. The trees turn. The snowy hills turn. The mountains turn. Everything turns to face the silence.
A blur. Of dark fur and teeth. Shadows seep from the groves. Trees cry tears of blood.
A Monster. Looks at me. From the shade.
Run.
Step, step— huff. Step, step— huff. Step, step— huff. Step, step— huff.
The glistening white grips my feet.
I'm slow. So slow. Too slow.
Teeth.
I'm falling. Falling into the glistening white.
Rolling clouds part beneath me.
Teeth.
Giant gnashing black maw. Below. Falling. Rising to eat.
Teeth.
Screaming.
"… ji."
Teeth.
Screaming.
"… inji?"
Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.
TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.
SCREAMING.
"… Shinji!"
January 10th, 1989, 3:57 PM, Miyama City Nursery School
"Shinji?" Byakuya said.
I struggled to pull my tired head off the table as he woke me, my thoughts still trying to make sense of the remarkably vivid nightmare.
"Sorry I'm late, Shinji," he said.
"It's okay…" I said sleepily.
"Did you sleep much today?"
"Some sleep," I told him.
Byakuya wore some kind of concern on his face.
… It was a facade.
He helped me into the child carrier and said farewell to some of the school staff, who bowed and offered their own goodbyes as he left through the front door. A few paces later, he caught sight of a person in the nearby parking bays and stopped to stare.
Hinode had been fumbling with her car keys and became a statue for a moment as she spotted Byakuya watching her. She locked eyes with him for a few seconds before hastily continuing to insert the key into the door. She missed slightly, forcing the key to slip out of her grip and onto the ground, where its momentum let it bounce underneath the car. The colour drained from her face, and she pinched the bridge of her nose as she closed her eyes and turned away in embarrassment. She seemed unwilling to reach beneath the car to retrieve the key in our presence and simply stood where she was.
I looked up at Byakuya, who continued glaring in Hinode's direction.
And then he started walking towards her.
Hinode's faced us in surprise, and her eyes slowly met his.
"We need to talk," Byakuya said as soon as he reached her.
Hinode took a quick breath. "If this is about me living in Fuyuki, then I already have permission from the Second Owner," she said firmly.
"Was it you?" Byakuya asked.
"What do you mean?" she responded as her eyes thinned.
"The nightmares," the man tried to elaborate, gesturing to me.
Hinode glanced at me in confusion.
Byakuya raised his voice slightly. "Did you put a curse on Shinji or not?"
She huffed with a smirk and shook her head. "No, of course not, Matou-sama."
"Why should I believe you?"
"My family's craft involved the development of mystic codes. I don't know enough about curses to cast one myself."
Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "Why should I believe you?" he repeated.
"Maybe because I have no reason to lie about it?" Hinode said, her tone slightly patronising. "I don't know what's causing your son's health issues, but I can promise that I have nothing to do with them."
Byakuya studied her face with a callous intensity. "Is that the truth?"
She nodded, maintaining a contemptuous smile.
"… I'll be holding you to that promise, then," he concluded, dropping the harsh tone and turning to leave. "Have a nice day, Hinode-san."
"You too, Matou-sama," she bowed in simulated respect and returned her attention to the ground beneath her vehicle.
As Byakuya carried me out of the vicinity of the nursery school, I turned my head to try and catch a glimpse of Hinode. She had managed to recover her key but was still standing beside her car, motionlessly watching us out of the corner of her eye as we travelled up the path. I couldn't make out her expression from this distance and angle but…
She looked really unimpressed.
"Matou-san," Einzbern said unexpectedly.
'What is it?' I replied.
"About Hinode-san," the ghost started. "Do you think… that she was telling the truth?"
'… Yes, I don't think she was lying,' I said. 'You heard her; she has no reason to. I'm actually more interested in why she didn't leave Fuyuki.'
"I wonder how she managed to get Tohsaka's permission to stay… she probably had to surrender something rather valuable to him. I wonder what it was?"
'What could she have had that would persuade him to leave her be?'
She looked up at the sky in thought. "Probably something related to her family's magecraft, I'd guess. It's most likely she handed over something significant. mages are pretty territorial. Maybe a relic of some sort?"
'It's not really important to us though, is it? What did you really want to ask?'
"Well if we clear her from the possible causes of these nightmares of yours, then what's left?"
'I'm pretty sure we crossed Zouken off the list on day one. The other mages in Fuyuki are just the Tohsakas… and Byakuya.'
"I'm pretty sure Byakuya is too inadequate of a magus to be able to cast a curse that even Zouken can't detect," Einzbern said.
I made a glance at the man carrying me through the streets. His face was set into a harsh frown, glaring at the space ahead as whatever thoughts ran through his mind led his expression to reveal his anger.
He caught me staring, leading me to quickly look away.
"A-Are you okay, Shinji?" he asked with an unusual quiver in his voice.
"Mmm," I said with a nod.
He seemed to be thinking about something, his eyes darting between the sidewalk and me before he took an unsteady breath and nodded to himself. "Shinji, do you like going to school?" he asked.
"Er… yeah," I answered.
"That's good," he said with a slight smile.
I wondered if I'd ever get used to this.
"So... yeah, I really doubt it's Byakuya," Einzbern said stoically. "And it can't be the Tohsakas."
'I agree,' I replied. 'It might be an extremely roundabout strategy of some sort prepared by Zouken for some ridiculous purpose, but it's unlikely. And it doesn't achieve anything.'
"Did he make Sakura have nightmares in the old causality?"
'I don't think so. She never complained about— actually, never mind, it might be possible; Sakura never complained about anything. But there's still no reason for Zouken to do this.'
Einzbern sighed. "Then we've got nothing to go on."
'We should focus on trying to get my circuits working again,' I suggested. 'We got sidetracked by this whole nightmare situation.'
The ghost hummed. "Well that's true, but…"
'… But?' I asked as she trailed off.
"Are you going to be able to focus? You're almost always falling asleep."
'I'll be okay.'
"How do you know?"
'I'll just have to deal with it. If Sakura can endure eleven years of agony then I can handle a few night terrors.'
"If you say so. Let me know if I can help… however unlikely that is," Einzbern said before we fell into silence.
I watched the scenery slowly drift by as Byakuya walked along the pavement before home eventually came into view. I needed to plan out some sort of sleep pattern to deal with this drowsiness I had been saddled with. Once that was in order, I could focus on magecraft.
Images from the dream I'd had not even half an hour ago stirred in my mind. It was strange… like something I could recall and not recall at the same time, but I was confident I'd never gone through anything like that before.
Barely anyone was attacked by wolves in this day and age.
April 30th, 1989, 11:26 AM, Matou Residence Library
Byakuya was sitting in a newly acquired armchair reading through a book he'd plucked from the shelves, and every so often, he would lift his eyes from the pages and watch me for a few moments. He had plenty of time to spend with me now and was looking much healthier than he had in the past few months. After all, he'd quit his job for some reason.
I was still going to nursery school on weekdays, but today was a Sunday, so it was a perfect day to head into the library and experiment. Einzbern and I had been re-reading the texts and tomes on magical circuits, trying to deepen our understanding of my unique situation.
As I sat comfortably on the floor, surrounded by books, I tested the potential of nerves other than those behind my ears. I'd started with the nerves in my fourth toes on both feet, and since they weren't vestigial, they were still mostly connected to my brain as active neuromuscular junctions. Doing anything with them caused irritating magical feedback; a spike of heat would travel throughout my nervous system and settle into my spine, making my back heat up to a painful degree.
Despite this, I'd been investigating the specific characteristics of nerve circuits rather thoroughly, and I had learned that body parts used less frequently generate weaker feedback. My toes had been an obvious candidate.
Einzbern had given me a rundown on all the things mages are meant to be able to do with their circuits, and I'd been making comparisons with the nerve variation. With my makeshift pathways, I could convert my od into magical energy, which I could move around to my magical circuits or use in spell casting, but I couldn't store or generate it for very long without hurting myself. Less important nerves were less painful to use.
They were almost the opposite of my circuits in every regard, which couldn't draw from my odic force, nor could they store anything that I moved to them from my nerves. However, like any other magus' pathways, they worked to replenish my od using the ambient mana. If they'd been unable to do this, converting my life force into magical energy would have made me weaker every second and eventually crippled me to the point I'd have just died of weakness.
When I converted od, the nerves were my output, and the circuits were my intake, so to speak.
'I don't think I can learn anything else from this,' I said to Einzbern as I ended the conversion process and let the magical energy evaporate from my toes.
She was floating absentmindedly in the room above me, her hair fanning out like a white halo around her figure. Her eyes were closed, and her brows were set in a cold frown.
'Einzbern-san?' I said, trying to prompt her out of her thoughts.
"… I have three ideas," Einzbern said, still unmoving.
'Okay, I'm listening.'
She opened her eyes and let herself fall to the floor, her hair obeying gravity again and falling over her shoulders. "The main problem is mostly the same as it's been since the start; you can't hold magical energy in your circuits, right?" she began.
'Right,' I confirmed.
"Then there are three things we can do to have you start practising magecraft properly," she held up her hand with a single finger raised. "First, we should be prepared for the occasion that nothing else we try works, and you'll be relying on the nerves forever. You'll only need to keep your od filled in this scenario. Gathering mana to store in containers that won't leak magical energy, such as keeping your blood in some manner of enchanted vials, makes sense. You'll probably only be able to carry around a small amount at a time."
'And how many enchanted vials do you think I have access to?'
"You could make them, but that's a fair point," she said as she lifted a second finger. "The second option is formalcraft. Ever heard of it?"
I nodded. 'Yes, but run me through it anyway.'
"It's a blanket term used to describe magecraft that uses only mana and no od. You don't even need to have magical energy in your circuits to perform formalcraft, as all you need to do is perform the rituals and provide things like catalysts, but the downside to this is that it always takes time and resources. Good for big rituals, generally bad for combat."
'The end goal here is to put Zouken down. Big rituals sound cool, but do you really think he'd just let me finish one in time?'
"If he doesn't realise it's meant to be used against him, then you could probably set something up that could support you in a confrontation. The Servant Summon ritual is technically formalcraft that uses the Holy Grail's accumulated mana instead of the surrounding area's natural supply."
Einzbern raised the third and final finger. "The last option is to patch up the missing function of your circuits to store energy with a mystic code of some sort, letting you be the container like any other magus."
'That sounds great!' I said excitedly. '… What's the catch?'
"It might take decades on your own," the ghost said as she lowered her hand. "You'll need help."
I let myself fall backwards and lie on the floor with a sigh. 'From Zouken, you mean?' I said gloomily.
"Having Zouken contribute to his own demise, huh?" The ghost said, "I was going to suggest asking Hinode-san, though."
… Hinode?
As I thought about the magus woman, I remembered that she did say something about specialising in mystic codes. There might be something I could learn from her… but she probably wasn't going to agree to teach me. I didn't want to ask her either. The further away she is from interacting with Zouken, the better off she is.
'I'd rather not get her involved in this,' I said.
"It doesn't have to be her, then," the ghost said as she closed her eyes. "Maybe Tohsaka will do it for the right price…?"
'No. Tohsaka isn't really an option. Not yet, at least.' I sighed. 'I don't want to wait until I'm old enough to speak to him, though.'
"We don't have to rush into it."
'That's a lot of wasted time, though. And there's no guarantee that Tohsaka wont say no.'
There was only one person available right now who might have the expertise to create a solution for me. He might have been the target of my vengeance but he was still a powerful magus that, at the moment, viewed me favourably. Whatever that meant for him.
'I'll ask Zouken about it,' I said. 'Tonight.'
"… Are you sure?" Einzbern said, eyes widening. "He hasn't given us any reason to believe he knows how you really are yet. Shouldn't you keep that to yourself for the time being?"
I sighed. 'I'd just be putting off the inevitable. It has to happen sooner or later, so it might as well be to my benefit. Besides, it's not like Zouken needs incentive to help me become capable of using magecraft. A capable heir to the Matou is probably exactly what he wants right now.'
May 1st, 1989, 12:10 AM, Worm Pit
As soon as I was sure that Byakuya wouldn't wake up, I silently crept away from his bedroom and felt my way to the workshop's entrance in the darkness of the Matou hallways. The door hadn't even been locked, but as his attention was diverted away from whatever thought process he'd been in, Zouken seemed genuinely surprised to see me enter the catacombs in the dead of night.
I spared a glance at the writhing mass at the base of the stairs.
"Be careful, Matou-san," Einzbern said from the doorway behind me.
'Shut up and let me do this,' I shot back as I crossed the walkway and approached the elder.
I didn't get too close, though.
"Odd destination for a late-night adventure, Shinji," the old man said as he motioned to the worms thrashing about in the pit.
"Wouldn't have been my first choice, but as far as options go, I don't have many," I replied.
"Dropping the act?" he said, a grin revealing his disturbing teeth.
He already knew. "How long?" I asked.
"Since the consecration."
That was almost a year ago. "… Perhaps we should've spoken sooner, then."
I let my eyes drift to the crest worms. Once upon a time in the old causality, I'd thought I would never see them again. They had all disappeared when Zouken had, save the few occupying Sakura.
"Is this about the nightmares?" the elder asked.
"I'm not here about those, but if you know what's causing them, I'd appreciate a hint at least. It's definitely not Hinode-san though, so if you're harassing her then you're wasting your time."
"But it's so much fun," Zouken said with a chuckle, essentially confirming that he'd been bothering her.
I wet my throat. "So you don't know anything about the nightmares?"
"Hmm…?" Zouken hummed. "So they are genuine. I was beginning to think they were a front of some kind… What did you want, then?"
"Advice, and maybe some assistance. Magecraft related."
"Hmph," Zouken huffed, tapping his cane once on the ground. "We do need to discuss your use of nerve circuits."
"It took a lot of practice to get that process right. And it's the best I can do, for the time being."
The elder groaned at my words and glared at me for a moment.
"I will not say I approve of the method," he said. "You cannot expect to be a magus without magical circuits— ones that work. At least."
Moment of truth. "That's actually why I'm here. I was hoping you might know a way to make my circuits useable."
The elder looked back at me with a concerned expression. "Circuits cannot be changed, Shinji. They stay as they are from birth until death, no matter how much you tamper with them…" he said, sighing once he trailed off and shifting his gaze to the worms in the pit. They froze still for a moment before resuming their aimless squirming. "They are a part of the soul. And the soul doesn't change too easily."
I needed to press the issue. "I've been studying my circuits properties for a few months now. They have… some missing functions."
The elder looked at me again.
He sighed. "I'll hear you out, at least. Tell me what you think is preventing you from using your circuits to apply magecraft."
"I can't use my natural circuits to convert od, I can't store magical energy in them, and even though I can transfer it from my nerves, it evaporates too fast to cast spells. Spellcasting from my nerves directly is painful."
Zouken had raised an eyebrow as I spoke.
"Something wrong?" I asked.
"You can move the magical energy from your nerves to your circuits?"
"Um… yes?"
"Demonstrate," he ordered.
"… Okay," I said as I started the process.
I envisioned myself falling forward, the back of my head throbbed faintly as the nerves began to burn with energy, and I let it flow into my circuits and raised my arms slightly. As the energy entered my pathways and travelled through my arms, it quickly dissipated and joined the mana in the surrounding air.
Zouken approached me slowly and gestured for me to show him my arm. He started analysing what was happening in my circuits. His eyes ran up and down my arm like he was reading a sentence over and over.
"How are… circuits…?" he murmured under his breath. "Shinji, try to… relocate some energy back and forth between your nerves and circuits."
I raised an eyebrow but did as he asked and gave it an attempt. I focused on a small amount of energy, bundled it together, and then juggled it between my circuits and nerves.
It was surprisingly easy.
Zouken seemed impressed if his expression was something I could interpret correctly. He began muttering something else silently enough that I couldn't hear and started to pace along the edge of the worm pit. Eventually, he nodded to himself, convincing himself of something.
"Zouken?" I asked as I stopped converting od.
"… Shinji," the elder began. "The situation is that your circuits cannot hold enough magical energy long enough for you to complete the spellcasting process, yes?"
"Yes," I said with a nod.
"But your circuits can still restore your odic force?"
I inclined my head again.
"I may have an option for you," he said menacingly, gesturing to the worms below us.
"… Those are the crest worms, aren't they?" I asked.
"Yes. They make for very efficient familiars, but their predominant purpose is to engrave the Matou spellbook into their host's body. Not unlike the magic crests of other magus families. It's our clan's version of the method, hence the name."
"What are you getting at?"
"They can function as an alternative to magical circuits while embedded in a magus' body."
I glanced nervously between the worms and Zouken.
Shit, did I fuck this up? I did, didn't I?
Zouken let a sinister smile show. "Don't fret, Shinji. You don't think I would have you join them in there, do you? I'd never do something like that to a child."
He would. I knew he would. The fucking liar did it to her.
"They would kill you if I did something so drastic at your age," the bastard continued. "And you're no useful dead."
Internally, I sighed with relief. I think I also heard Einzbern let a breath out from the workshop entrance.
"Therefore, instead of all at once…" he began.
He descended the stairs and settled his cane on the side of the pit, allowing some worms to creep up the shaft before he withdrew it. About fifteen or so of the worms had clung to the wood, all of them small and resembling narrow maggoty tubes instead of the phallic bearing the larger ones had. He jostled it slightly, and a few of the larger ones fell off and landed back in the pit before he returned to the top of the stairs.
"… You could start with a measly five," the elder concluded, plucking an additional worm from the cane and tossing it away. "Just the larvae, I think. The adults might be a bit too much for you."
This… was something he wanted to do. The worms were technically the family crest. It was inevitable that this was going to happen.
"Could I… think about this for a moment?" I asked.
"By all means," Zouken said with an amused huff.
I turned away and slowly walked back to the staircase, staring at the worms in the pit the whole time. Einzbern floated from the door to meet me halfway, where she stared at me and blinked a few times, giving me some exaggerated gestures to convey how baffled she was.
'Dont play charades with me, Einzbern. What do you think?' I asked her, staring a the bottom step of the staircase.
"Don't tell me you're actually considering this?!" she shrieked.
'It sounds like it's exactly what I need, doesn't it?' I reasoned.
"You're probably insane if you think this will end well! You told me yourself; Zouken used these to torture Sakura. What happened to the mystic code idea?"
… I had forgotten about that. 'I could always talk to him again to ask about it if this doesn't work. Besides, it seems he has an ulterior motive for this. I could decline, but he'd probably just go through with it anyway.'
"What do you mean by that?"
'You heard him. This is the crest.'
That seemed to stop her arguments in their tracks, as she frowned and squinted as she tried to think up some kind of rebuttal. She rubbed her face and groaned. "Just… ugh! Don't forget that I was against this. Those things are creepy."
'We can agree on that,' I said.
I returned to Zouken, who was waiting for me to finish the altercation he wasn't even aware of by inspecting the five worms perched on his cane.
"… Before we go through with this, is there anything else I need to know?" I asked.
Zouken smiled again. "The worms can access your odic force on their own; they are parasites and will sustain themselves as such," he explained. "But they will also require you to provide magical energy by your own means. They will also change your elemental alignment to water, allowing you to actually use the magecraft that they will eventually grant you."
As I watched the worms wriggling on the elder's cane, I was somewhat consoled that, at least, he wasn't keeping me in the dark.
"This cannot be undone, even by my hand. Once they enter you, they will be there for the rest of your life. And"— he levelled his gaze at me— "it will be very painful."
I could have sworn that the worms by the tip of the cane were eyeing me up as he finished his explanation.
"Well?" Zouken said, trying to hurry my answer.
"… Alright then; think of it as an early birthday gift," I said. "Pets, of a sort."
"Ka… ka…" Zouken let out a few suppressed huffs. "How amusing. Are you ready, then?"
I took a quiet, deep breath, and nodded.
He raised his cane to place its foot on my chin. "Well then, Shinji. Make sure you feed them."
The worms hurried down my throat.
"Happy birthday."
A/N
Hi everyone, how have you all been?
*gets mauled by angry guest readers*
No, the story hasn't died seven chapters in; I'm just late— A little over a week late, probably. I write parts of these A/N's in advance so I don't forget things I wanna say.
But I have a good reason.
See, I ended up house-sitting for someone from the 25th of September and the following weekend, and while I was able to take my laptop with me to upload the previous chapter, the environment there was NOT suitable for writing.
Two dogs; the kinds that are used to the attention provided by a family of four. The sort that barks LOUDLY in the night at random possums in the front yard while you're trying to sleep or in the wee hours of the morning when they get hungry. I've always been a cat person, and while cats can also be persistent, they STOP when they get what they want. So taking care of two dogs at once as my first experience was… exhausting.
Anyway, you get the idea; my sleep cycle was ruined. Those of you who are also writers would know how crippling that can be to motivation and focus.
So while I was able to write something, IT WAS COMPLETE AND UTTER GARBAGE. So when Sunday came around, I read through the chapter and decided, "Fuck it. This is shit. I'm starting over."
So that's why I'm late~! :D
I did my best. And I want to make the beginning arcs of Shinji's Paradox as polished as I can.
Yes, "arcs."
I'm not kidding around here. This is gonna be an enduring project, so if anyone wants to contribute by leaving ideas or criticism in the reviews or a Private Message, I highly encourage you to do so. Plot points up to the 4th Holy Grail War are set in stone, but the war itself is in the air.
That's probably the part you all care about the most, right? Throw some ideas at me, and who knows; I might decide to catch some of them. Servant suggestions aren't necessary, though. I've already decided that.
For your reference, we are currently in the "Infancy Arc".
Also, If I'm being honest, I haven't recovered 100%. So it's likely that I'm going to skip next Sunday's upload too. If that happens, I'll update this chapter and leave an edit at the end of these notes that will say so. Check here if Sunday rolls around, and I haven't uploaded anything.
Worst case scenario: I'll switch to a fortnightly upload schedule while I re-adjust my circadian rhythm.
Last things before I go to review responses:
1. Shout out to angelitto, who was kind enough to check up on me through a PM. Wonderful manners too— what a nice guy!
2. I've decided to stop using "Prana" in this story's terminology as I have previously. I do not like the alliteration with "Mana" at some points (they don't sound well-spoken in adjoining sentences/paragraphs without intentional poetic form, and can confuse a readers eye on the page if they're skimming), and if I need to use something interchangeably with "Magical Energy" when it's the main topic, I can just refer to it as "it", use "energy" where it works, and just use plain old good prose.
3. If you have any questions on my interpretations of the mechanics of magical circuits, and how Shinji's differ from the norm, then please ask. I'd love to talk about my thought processes on the topic.
4. I'm aware that Shinji is suffering from exhaustion in this story the same way that I am in reality. This is a coincidence.
5. I added a welcome note to the beginning of Chapter 1 that discusses what kind of Nasuverse knowledge I'm assuming that people have when they start reading and some other bits and pieces. (UPDATE: Someone told me it was a little uncomfortable to take in that much info that early, so I shortened it to a small welcome/introduction and moved the other info to the A/N)
6. I fixed a mistake regarding the Tarot related stuff from the last author's notes (I mean, it wasn't that important, but I have my pride to maintain here). What were the "Guides" are now "Authorities", and what were "Authorities" are now "Principles".
Review responses:
RayDjok:
IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!
Giuseppe:
Hello again! You've really dropped a lot of info on me here. Luckily it's all stuff I'd already considered, so I don't need to go on a wiki-adventure.
Ugh… Nerve Damage, though… Gonna be completely honest; Nerve Damage was a little bit of a disappointment for me. Has a bit too much of what I like to call "Fanfiction Syndrome", chiefly in its premise execution. Turning the entire nervous system into magic circuits is a FANTASTIC idea, but it was used as an excuse to dump as many Servants as possible into the story, and then never came up again until it was used as a backup plot contrivance to reveal some kind of secret plan. I don't think Shirou ever played a significant role in the story after he killed Shinji, even when he "died".
It's been a while since I dropped it, so I don't remember specifically what I disliked about it narratively (Probably Abel since I don't like omnipotent characters; they make the narrative's stakes redundant. It could have been something else, though), but I'm pretty sure it had WAY too many characters for the author to manage. I'm sure they would agree since they ALSO dropped the story and SOMEONE ELSE kept writing it.
As for Shinji's magecraft…
That would be a spoiler. :)
DSDAD:
"A minute" is an understatement, but I get where you're coming from. I haven't read the latest chapter of your story yet either because of this fiasco I'm going through (Will read it tomorrow. VERY excited.)
I'm glad you like my style, and I completely agree with you regarding scene description; it's my main weakness as a writer, as I tend to delete things that I don't think are important to what's actually happening in the scene. And that usually ends up including little bits of setting information that I gloss over. I need to read more stories that do it well and practice before I get the hang of it (Ooh! Another reason for me to read the latest chapter of Candle Lit in the Eclipse!).
I appreciate the criticism. I really do. I have a long way to go, and having people point out my issues helps a ton.
Thank you.
RandyKaguyaofthewasteland:
Subtle character growth is fun!
And Shirou gets way too much attention, I agree (not that I blame people; he's the protagonist, after all).
Also: Wind + Shinji = Whinji. (Haha pun)
That's all the reviews!
Just a heads up for the near future: The anniversary of my father's death is coming up, and I tend to take a hit to my motivation around that time. So don't be surprised if late October and pretty much all of November are shaky for me in the future.
… Man, I'm really in a rough patch, aren't I?.
Update: Yeah, there won't be an upload this week. I haven't been able to pull myself back into my routine yet, so I'm just gonna have to get that in order before I even try to keep going. See you next week, hopefully.
-GEOD
Edit 1: Tense/Terminology/Punctuation edit. Also, Altered the Hinode Scene as it didn't suit her actual character. Rookie mistake, I know. I'm a rookie. :(
Edit 2: Changed the last scene a little. Thought the laughter was overkill, and it didn't really achieve anything narrative-wise, so I toned it down a bit.
Edit 3: Post Chapter Twelve Grammar Update.
Edit 4: Needed to make it clear that the crest worms Shinji swallowed were the thin larvae and not the ones that look like dicks. They'd be too big to actually travel his body otherwise.
Edit 5: Jan 2023 update. Adjustments to descriptions of the worm pit.