Shinji's Paradox

by GreenEyesOrigamiDragon

Shinji is tempted by a long-forsaken dream, and Illyasviel is confronted by a shrouded figure. This fateful night occurred, and therefore, it did not. An impossible journey featuring an unlikely pair. A Fate/stay night back-in-time narrative set after (and before) Unlimited Blade Works. Also posted on AO3. Contains original characters.

10. Spiritual Dissonance

Shinji's Paradox

Chapter 10:

Spiritual Dissonance

August 5th, 1989, 6:54 AM, Matou Residence.

Byakuya lifted the red cloth covering the tank and let it rest to the side. The creature within twisted around on the glass bottom, opening its maw to take gasping breaths as we stared at it. It had been hard to sleep last night knowing that the little creature was in the tank the whole time, even in my current condition.

Standing atop a raised wooden step so I could reach above the tank, I signalled Byakuya to open the lid, and when he did, I tossed in a tiny cut of raw pork. The worm reacted instantly and crawled its way over to the meat, pulling free a piece of the still bloody flesh and calmly chewing on it. It started to tear away another helping as soon as it could.

"Not the frenzy I was expecting after we didn't feed it yesterday," I remarked, using a cloth to wipe the remaining pork juices off my hands.

"Are you certain about keeping this in your bedroom?" Byakuya's eyes narrowed at the worm. "… Or keeping it at all?"

"Yeah," I nodded as I handed the cloth to him.

As horrific as the thing was, it was the kind of familiar that Zouken used, and I wasn't going to throw away something that might reveal some way to deal with him. In the future, I might discover how they work and a way to use that knowledge against the elder somehow. Besides, the old bastard might have thought it rude of me to dispose of something he gave me for my birthday, and I was not going to risk his ire.

Not yet, anyway.

Some manner of morbid fascination had caught our attention, and we watched the worm eat for a few minutes until Byakuya eventually pulled his gaze away from it and looked over the rest of my bedroom. His attention focused on the mess I'd made of my sheets and blanket earlier this morning. "Would you like me to make your bed for you?" he said, motioning towards it.

"Isn't that something that can be left to Imai-san?" I asked.

"She might help take care of the house, but I'm the one that takes care of you," he said adamantly.

I blinked a few times before I reminded myself how committed he was to the parenting act. "Please do, then," I said, prompting Byakuya to walk over and start pulling the fabrics off the mattress to remake the bed.

Recovering from the trauma a body undergoes after an internal injury isn't something to take lightly— and I'm three years old, so that's especially true for me. The hole that the worm left in my gut had healed thanks to Byakuya's efforts, but I wasn't going to take any risks. The safe option was to take it easy, and wearing myself out tucking sheets into a mattress sounded like a good way to make things worse.

Yesterday evening I put more thought into my condition and ended up asking Byakuya why we hadn't just gone to a hospital so I could get looked at by a medical professional. He told me that Zouken hadn't wanted any mundane individuals to spot the crest worms and forbade Byakuya from taking me out of the house until I'd recovered.

Today I'd probably be going back to bed early. The event had taken a lot out of me— more than just a worm, and I'd only really left my bed yesterday to eat a few light meals that wouldn't risk any harm to my stomach. Breakfast this morning had been a glass of pulp-free apple juice and some jelly. It wasn't a bad meal, per se. But it wasn't very appealing.

My sleep had been more peaceful too. The nightmares that Einzbern's memories had been twisted into had stopped being as comparable to visions of horror and were much tamer. I'd witnessed the wolf attack again, and the experience was less personal this time around.

"There. Done," Byakuya announced as he fluffed the pillow and placed it on the head side of the bed frame to finish his task. "Do you think you'll be up today?"

"… I might be later, but I'm going to rest for now. That's why I haven't changed out of my pyjamas," I said. "Did you have something you wanted to do?"

"Just grocery shopping. Need to pick up something you can handle that isn't jelly or juice. Any preferences?"

"I don't think I can be picky in my condition."

"Okay," he nodded, "I'll see you later then."

I hummed in agreement, and he left the room.

Without anything else to focus on, I returned to watching the worm chew through the chunk of meat. It was weird seeing the worm behave like this, given the gluttony these creatures demonstrated when it came to magical energy. I was having a hard time believing that the thing was eating with this much reservation.

It was even stranger to think that this particular worm had been eating more than its fair share. That was the most simplistic reason to explain the newfound ease I had feeding only the remaining four worms. With this one out of my body, I could spend about half a minute providing for them in the morning, and they'd be sated until I had to feed them again in the evening.

Of course, I already had theories as to why it had turned out this way. The first was that this worm was simply just older than the rest and its size came with a greater appetite. it was dark down there in Zouken's workshop, and I hadn't really been able to get a good look at the things when I swallowed them. So, despite the intimacy, I had no idea what differences they had with each other regarding size and shape.

The other theory— and the most ideal— was that the difference this worm had from the others was its gender. In other words, this one, in particular, might be the female. If that was true, then that meant I'd dodged the risk of becoming a worm hive in the future.

I clicked my tongue in frustration. I wouldn't be able to figure it out unless Zouken decides to point out the details for me, or I had studied this particular worm for long enough. I would probably have to wait for that day to come for a few more years.

As I sighed to soothe my impatience, the elder stepped through the doorway.

His hunched figure approached as my name left his lips. "Shinji. I'd like a word."

I almost said something in response, but there wasn't any point in attempting to turn him down. I doubt the day would ever come that he would ask my permission for anything.

He stood next to me and cast his gaze over the feasting worm before responding to my silence. "I'll get straight to the point, then. What are you going to do with this one?"

"… I'm probably going to study it," I said matter-of-factly.

"Oh? Interested in the particulars of the crest worms?" Zouken asked, keeping his scrutinising glare on the worm.

I couldn't help but think he said that out of contempt. "They are an important part of our family's magecraft, I think it would be weird if I didn't understand them to at least some extent. Besides, swallowing it again would be suicide," I said.

The elder harrumphed before switching his tone to one of mockery. "I suppose this needed to happen if you were to survive much longer. I'm honestly rather disappointed with your performance. 'Properly' indeed."

I could feel my teeth clenching in irritation as he spoke, but I tried not to let it show.

Still analysing the worm, he leaned forward and squinted at it for a few seconds, then redirected his thin eyes to me. Almost accusingly. I was worried for a moment as he shifted his focus between the animal and myself on repeat about four times. His frown deepened every time it came back to me.

"What exactly have you been doing with the worms, Shinji?" he finally said.

I returned his frown at the unexpected question. "Just feeding them," I answered honestly.

"Nothing else?" he seemed confused by my answer, sending a scrutinising glare at the worm once more. "Describe the process you use when you do so, from the way you provide the energy to the way that they eat it. Don't leave out any details, no matter how insignificant you think it is."

He was incredibly forward with his request— no, command— adjusting his posture so that he was facing me. I immediately thought that I would need to figure out what brought this on later.

"Um, okay," I took a short breath. "First, I use my nerves to generate magical energy, which I immediately move to my natural circuits where the worms can eat it from. They don't end up eating all of it, because a lot of it just evaporates before they get to it. So I try to place the energy directly at the worms mouths so that they can drain as much as they can without wasting any more than is necessary."

Zouken pondered my explanation, even going as far as to stroke his chin. "… This one is rather large for its age. Was it the glutton of the lot?" he asked.

"Yes, I thought so too," I gestured to the worm in the tank. "Before it came out I had to maintain od conversion every waking second. Now though, it only takes a few moments until the worms are satisfied."

Zouken hummed at that, letting his eyes drift over the worm half burrowed in its food.

"That matches my observations…" he mused. "But that can't be everything."

"If something about this doesn't make sense to you, then there's probably more to it," I acknowledged. "But there's a lot I don't understand about them. Like why they even need me to channel energy to them when they just drink od from me directly."

"That's simply because magical energy is more potent— or more nutritious for them. If you need even that simplified, it's the difference between raw ingredients and a cooked meal," the elder said, apparently allowing me at least that much information on the things.

"Then all of these complications are just the result of my circuits letting all of it go to waste," I said, reaffirming my assumptions.

Zouken put on a nasty grin and snickered. "Kehehe… Yes, you're much more useless than I thought you were. Perhaps the best option for you is to regurgitate the remaining four. If you wish to survive, that is." His mood then turned bitter as he turned to the doorway. "I'll admit that it was a mistake to think that you were worthy of the crest worms. If you manage to solve this problem, then I'll reconsider your value."

"… Is this the female?" I dared to ask before he left.

Zouken stopped and sent a contemplative glance back at me before he plastered a smirk over it. "You'll find out in June. Kahaha!"

After his short chuckle, he left the room, and I was alone with the worm once more. Peering through the glass, I saw the creature wolf down the remainder of the pork in one gulp. The middle of its body had swollen up to contain all the meat.

Thinking about Zouken's mood, I didn't even know if I should be worried about him.

… No, that's stupid.

I should absolutely be worried if Zouken was even slightly annoyed with something I did. And he was definitely upset about my failure to handle the crest worms if his comments regarding my value were anything to consider. It might just be his way of venting a little anger, but I wouldn't be surprised if he attempted to "motivate" me through some unsavoury means.

"He seemed a lot more lively than usual."

I turned to see Einzbern entering the room through the wall.

She came to a stop beside me and stared at the terrarium with a stoic expression on her face. "The last thing I thought you'd do with that crest worm was decide to keep it. Let alone in a fish tank like some kind of pet."

'… I said something along the lines of them being pets when Zouken gave them to me. Maybe I'm just committed to the bit,' I said in a vain attempt to lighten the mood.

"Good for you," the ghost said absentmindedly.

She'd been giving me the cold shoulder ever since I said what I said that night. She hadn't even spoken to me yesterday, opting instead to outright ignore me or glare from a distance. It was similar to how Sakura would behave if I upset her after the fifth war— cold stares and the silent treatment— so I know I have to apologise, but I'd never been good at that sort of thing. Even then, I often wondered when would be a good time to bring up whatever I had done— whether sooner was better, if I needed to let her cool off first, or if she'd already forgiven me and I was worrying needlessly. I didn't think I ever got the hang of it either.

As for Einzbern, I did want to tell her that the nightmares had changed, which might be the only place to start. And she approached me just now. This could be her way of giving me a chance. Perhaps I should make an effort to start a conversation.

I face her, and I try to speak up. 'Hey—'

But she interrupted, turning a fairly dark expression towards me. "This better be important."

'It's about the nightmares,' I clarified.

She huffed and rolled her eyes. "Go on, then."

'I thought I should tell you that they aren't showing themselves to me as nightmares anymore. They're normal dreams from start to finish, and… they're much clearer.'

"… I see," the ghost said, expression unchanging.

I couldn't help but be disappointed in myself. That was not what she needed to hear. I could tell as I was speaking that she was uninterested in anything I was saying. 'Actually, I wanted to apologise for… what I said.'

She rolled her eyes.

'Could I… make it up to you somehow?' I added.

That got her to raise an eyebrow. "How could you possibly turn any of this to my benefit?" she said, gesturing to herself.

I couldn't really respond to that with something meaningful, and I had to catch my thoughts before something stupid came out of my mouth. I couldn't think of anything though, and the uncomfortable silence stained the air in my bedroom. Even after I eventually said, 'How about we agree that I owe you for now?'

She glared cold daggers at me for a few seconds as she contemplated her response. "Fine. I'll keep that in mind," she muttered before leaving through the same wall she'd entered from.

Well, that didn't patch up anything. She might calm down at some point. But if she didn't, then I should consider this relationship completely burned to ashes. She was the only one that's actually helped me so far. Or the only one that could, given the circumstances.

But she wanted something. That much was obvious. I'd seen almost her entire life unfold in front of me, and that still wasn't enough for me to get a read on whatever it was that she was after. Given her state of being, it could simply be physical contact, or perhaps she just wanted to taste food again. But with what I know of her life, she could be gunning for her father again in some manner. I didn't exactly mind if that was the case, but…

I groaned in frustration. The narcissistic streak from my first youth wasn't doing me any favours here. I might not be as ruthlessly immoral as I had been during the fifth war, but that didn't mean I'd figured out how to put others first yet. It was painfully clear to me now that I was just too unfamiliar with being nice to people, but I needed to be someone Einzbern could be comfortable talking to.

Because she was probably never going to be talking to anyone else.

… I took a deep breath to clear my head. Einzbern's memories were doing something to me. I was pretty sure that the overwhelming pity I felt for her was completely unnatural. I should simply do what I could and not fret about it any further than that.

But what exactly could I do? My decaying relationship with her and the possibility of Zouken losing his temper with me were big problems, but I couldn't deal with either if I push myself too hard and get hurt again. And if my stomach wound reopened while Byakuya was out, I'd be at Zouken's mercy.

Looking at the crest worm isn't helping me think through this, so I pick up the red cloth and throw it back over the terrarium. Once I'd completely obscured the creature from view, I carefully lowered myself off the wooden step and glanced at the bed Byakuya had made for me.

I needed to get to sleep.

---

August 21st, 1989, 1:14 PM, Matou Residence Library.

During the following fortnight, I spent most of the first week in bed trying to recover, as the weakness I felt from the regurgitation event had left me in a state of perpetual lethargy. Zouken had ordered me under house arrest until I was in good health, so I hadn't gone to nursery school the entire time and found myself in a study routine within the Matou Library whenever I wasn't sleeping.

Meals had gradually become less bland as my condition improved. Starting yesterday, Byakuya was somewhat confident that I could eat a greater variety of food again without worrying about further injury to my stomach. I'd sworn that if I ever needed to eat that much jelly again, there had better be an exceptional reason.

I'd often found myself comparing the experience to the rehabilitation my old causality patients had undergone in postoperative care. I had also been through that myself for a little over a month after the grail war. I might not have had any life-threatening wounds, but compared to how I'd felt back then, this stomach wound was nothing.

… I never really thanked Rin for rescuing me then.

I put the herbology book I'd been reading down on the low wooden desk that had become my place of study in the library. It was a short piece of furniture made for children, so it lacked any sharp edges, and the drawer handles were easy to grab. Byakuya had apparently found it in the market one day, along with a small wooden chair with a cushioned seat that I currently sat on. Both pieces were made of rosewood, a material valuable enough to make me sceptical about the circumstances that Byakuya had "stumbled upon them".

With the book out of my hands, I looked over the vast quantity of notes I'd scribbled down… and then winced as the crest worms started to nibble at my circuits. I remembered that I'd fed them this morning, but I wasn't expecting them to ask for food until the evening. The bitter thought that their appetite was growing and I wouldn't have magical energy available to me again was worrisome.

I allowed the mental image to fill my mind, and as the visualisation struck the floor, the fake circuits activated, and I began funnelling the magical energy to the creatures inside me. They ate with the enthusiasm I expected of them, biting into the space the energy was occupying and sucking out what they could before it evaporated.

It was a good thing I'd been putting so much effort into solving this problem. The mess of paper on the desk in front of me was everything I'd done towards researching and designing the prototype product of the mana potion theory. Everything from the possible materials to processes and apparatuses I would need to start my experimentation was written on lined paper in pen.

What I'd been planning was a combination of Chinese herbology methods I had been studying recently and the alchemical approach I was familiar with from the old causality. While I wasn't proud of the intentions I'd had for those pheromonal potions, I thought I was getting good at it back then. So in some kind of way, outside of all the new things I was learning about alternative medicines, this was all a sort of revision, dealing with topics I'd abandoned a long time ago.

All that was left for me to do was put together the necessary apparatuses and make the first potion.

When the worms were done eating, I cut the od conversion and leaned back in the chair. "I guess I should ask Byakuya to help me put it all together…" I muttered with a yawn.

"Have your first blueprint done?"

I glanced around the room and found Einzbern poking her incorporeal head out of the floor near my desk. I didn't answer immediately, mildly fazed by the odd situation. She failed to maintain eye contact with me, and her focus wandered over the floor in front of her, flicking back to me only once for a split second.

We had barely spoken at all since I tried to apologise, and I'd occasionally caught her staring like she was some kind of shy admirer. She would always look away and then float into a different part of the house as she maintained the silent treatment she'd been giving me. I was expecting her to approach me soon if she found an opportunity— I had a hunch that she'd been feeling despondent without anyone to talk to.

'Been there long?' I asked.

She withdrew back into the floor slightly so that her eyes were peeking over the wooden floorboards, and the bottom half of her face was obscured. "N-No. I mean, m-maybe…" she mumbled.

It looked as though my guess was right. She had been lonely. 'You want to hear about the potion?' I said, gesturing to the mess of paper on the desk.

"I'm not a herbalist…" she said, quietly deliberating on something. "I mean, I u-understand how they work. Potions, th-that—"

'You look like a mushroom, sticking out of the floor like that,' I interjected.

I couldn't see the pout, but I could tell it was there when she let out a soft grunt. It surfaced some of the memories that I'd seen in the dreams I'd experienced through our connection. Through that "astral link", as Einzbern had described it.

I'd seen some of it again last night. The way her family, if you could call it such a thing, had treated her like some kind of project, without bothering to explain to her what they were doing until it was irreversible. I'd be lying if I said that the sudden and horrible shift from hopeful patience to confused torment didn't bother me. Even though what I'd seen wasn't as awfully distorted by visions of horror as the dreams used to be, I think I could still consider it to be at least nightmarish in some capacity.

… It reminded me of Sakura a little, and I couldn't help comparing them.

I already had a sense of how disturbing the circumstances were back then, but a part of me felt that between Einzbern's memories and my own experience with the worms, I might have a better understanding of exactly how ignorant I'd been to what magi really were. Thinking that I'd been so upset, believing Zouken had barred me the opportunity to be like them in the past, wasn't something I felt proud of.

'Come on, Einzbern-san. I'd like to hear what you think about it,' I said, organising the papers so that the important parts were visible to her.

"… Fine," the ghost said as she floated out of the ground, still pouting.

She looked over what was immediately visible on the desk, scrutinising the notes carefully. Then the pout became a frown, and she glared at me. "Are you sure about all of this, Matou-san?"

'I was until you asked…' I looked away in embarrassment. 'What have I done wrong?'

"Chinese herbology is what you've done wrong," Einzbern pointed at some of my initial notes. I recognised them as the original bits of research into ginseng that I'd done after Byakuya taught me how to charge the ginseng with mana.

'I don't understand,' I said as I picked those notes off the desk. 'Isn't Chinese herbology necessary because ginseng's mana capacity is based on that foundation?'

"No, the mana capacity that ginseng possesses comes from the collective belief that humanity has in its qualities," she clarified. "Even if the idea stems from Chinese herbology, enough people believe or at least subconsciously suspect that the plant is mystical in some way that the world makes it true. Byakuya taught you about it wrong, if I've understood your process here."

Then her frown deepened as she continued, gesturing to the other parts of my notes.

"And as if that wasn't enough of an oversight, you tried to pair the processes of that whole problem with principles from western alchemy— which, to an alchemist such as myself— is rather infuriating," she said, pointing an accusing finger at me as she… um…

Was I being scolded? Was she lecturing me?

"Western and far eastern magecraft are incompatible with each other for the most part," she continued. "Western magecraft operates on the foundations that are nurtured in ley lines— the European alchemy you and I are more familiar with has a strong foundation in that regard. But Chinese herbology specifically operates on principles that not only exist within a different foundation which doesn't depend on ley lines at all, but are also completely incompatible with western alchemical ideologies in the first place. "I almost flinched as she took a hasty breath.

I almost flinched as she took a hasty breath.

"You've already done a good amount of beginner level western alchemy in the old causality, so you should've known this! You need to start again!" she declared. "This time, don't bother with any of the Chinese stuff!"

Einzbern took a few moments to breathe. She folded her arms and glanced back and forth erratically between the notes on the desk and myself. It took me a few seconds, but I realised that she was expecting some sort of response.

'Thank you for clarifying,' I said before quickly changing my tone. 'Are you okay?'

"Yeah. I just— I'm a bit stressed out. Not by anything in particular! Just another existential crisis. Ghost things— N-No, wait, I just got annoyed by the horrible way you were planning to use alchemy. Th-That's all," she sputtered.

I didn't quite think she was telling the whole truth. Maybe it was because she was avoiding eye contact. Or perhaps the way she'd started slurring her words and changed her mind halfway through her explanation. Either way, I didn't have to force myself to lower the eyebrow I had raised, as the other one went up as the library door started to open.

"Shinji-sama?"

Recognising Imai's voice, I quickly pulled a children's storybook out of one of the rosewood desk's drawers and hastily scooped up my notes and the magecraft book and put them into the now empty drawer before I closed it as quietly as I could.

I opened the storybook to a random page and looked up in time to see the housekeeper spot me from the door. She was carrying a tray and plate with a sliced sandwich—

Oh.

I glanced at the clock on the wall and realise it was well past midday. I was reasonably hungry, too.

"Shinji-sama, I've brought you lunch. Would you like to eat it here or in the dining room?" Imai asked with a slight bow and a professional smile.

I considered the options briefly but decided to eat in the library since there was no reason to leave. "Here," I said.

Imai nodded and carefully lifted the plate from the tray to the desk in front of me, and I'm able to get a decent look at her without anything else distracting me.

She was a pretty woman. She has the kind of traditional beauty valued by older Japanese standards— softer features and dark hair, currently tied at the back. I could imagine that she'd had at least one or two admirers in her school years, so there was probably some kind of reason she was working and didn't have a husband.

It was none of my business, though.

"Would you like anything else, Shinji-sama?" the housekeeper asked.

"No. I'm okay," I said, looking over the sandwich ingredients and debating if it was really alright for me to eat something as acidic as tomato yet.

"Are you sure? How are you feeling?" Imai leaned in closer.

A little bit too close, actually.

I was forced to look up at her, startled by the sudden insistence I could feel from her proximity. I could even hear her faint breaths and make out the details in her dark brown irises.

I blinked a few times before I processed what she'd asked. "I… feel fine."

"And is your tummy okay?" she asked with haste once I'd responded.

"My stomach feels much better at the moment," I replied automatically, still slightly confused by the unexpected interrogation.

A pleasantly surprised smile appeared on her face, "Oh? You speak so well?"

Huh? Oh. Whoops. "Um, yeah. Dad teaches me," I used my default explanation for unintentional verbal fluency with a mix of both sincere and falsified nervousness.

"Well he must be very proud of you," she said as she finally stood up straight and took a few steps backward.

I remembered that Byakuya had actually said something like that not too long ago, and my own annoyance let me recover my presence of mind.

"Mm," I hummed as I took part of the sandwich from the plate.

I was about to start eating when I noticed Imai glancing expectantly between me and the plate. She'd taken a professional posture, with her hands hidden behind her back, but she was shifting awkwardly, and her breath was a little erratic.

Helpfully tipped off by my staring, the housekeeper eventually realised that perhaps her presence was making me uneasy. "L-Let me know if you need a-anything else, Shinji-ku—sama," she said, making a hasty path for the library door. She turned to me again and bowed before she left.

I put the uneaten piece of the sandwich back on the plate and pushed it away from me as soon as she was out of sight. Whatever it was that had just happened was way too unnerving for me to eat anything.

"Not hungry?" Einzbern said, watching my reaction with some faint curiosity.

'Did she seem weird to you at all?' I was compelled to ask.

"Uh…" she blinked, "You mean Imai-san just now?"

'Yeah. She got awfully close, don't you think?'

"I thought that kind of thing was normal."

'Huh? Why would you think that's normal?'

"Well, people would lean down near me to talk all the time when I was exploring Fuyuki the first time. They'd ask if I was lost, or something like that," the ghost explained as she turned her gaze upwards in recollection.

So she had just leaned forward so she could talk to me properly like most adults would, and perhaps misjudged the distance? It would explain the awkwardness she displayed towards the end. Maybe I overreacted…?

My unease alleviated slightly. Imai had probably come all the way to the library just to bring me lunch, and I'd made her feel uncomfortable. That was my first time interacting with her without Byakuya around too, so she probably thought she was at fault for giving a poor first impression.

"It did get a little annoying after a while," Einzbern continued her recount with a ruminating tone. "… I had to have Berserker kill a few of them."

'Uh… wait— what?' I said, pulled out of my self-admonishment.

"You know I'd do that, Matou-san," she said, staring me down coolly.

'Um, no, I get that you're kind of deranged— I mean, why did you have to kill people for speaking to you?'

"Oh, some group of men got handsy," she clarified with a shrug, ignoring my verbal slip-up. "I thought it was rude. So I had them smashed into a wall."

Despite the grisly explanation, it wasn't what I focused on. I began rethinking my conclusion on Imai and dared a wayward glance through the open door, but I saw no one in the doorway or the hallway.

Imai wasn't like that was she? People like that definitely existed. Police kept watch lists filled with the names of those people so that eyes were on them at all times. Was Imai one of them?

Wait… it wouldn't matter, would it? I'd only ever see her here, at home, where it could never happen because there was no way that Byakuya or Zouken would allow it.

… Right?

'Einzbern-san'— I glared directly at the ghost to convey the seriousness of the situation— 'if she's ever in the same room as me and I'm not aware of it, then could you warn me? Especially if I'm asleep.'

Einzbern cocked her head to the side.

'Please,' I added.

"Is she like those men?" she asked.

I suppress a shudder. '… Possibly.'

"Well, I guess I can do that much…" she said unenthusiastically.

I took a deep breath to ease the tension I'd built up in myself. 'Thank you, Einzbern.'

I felt calmer already and was able to think about the situation a little clearer. Overreacting to something I couldn't prove would be a waste of effort and time, and it wasn't what I want to spend my energy on, so I should do something else to take my mind off it.

Thinking back to before Imai had interrupted, my most recent mistake came to mind again. It was a shame I'd blundered to such a degree. Magecraft could backfire horribly, and if I'd gone through with what I had planned, the resulting concoction could have had the potential to kill me. I could think of this as progress, considering that I'm still alive.

'So, you said that I need to start again?' I said to the ghost.

"Eh? What?" Einzbern said with a series of blinks.

'The potion,' I reminded her. 'You said I need to start again.'

"Oh, right. Just remember to only utilise western alchemy methodology and you should be fine," she said with a wave of her hand.

I reclined back into the chair. And then sighed as I realised that I was depending on Einzbern again. I didn't want her to lead me by the hand through all of my studies into magecraft. It had to stop.

I glance at the bookshelves, trying to recall if there was anything else I could look into. As my eyes wandered over the room, I spotted the row of shelves dedicated to foundation basics. Einzbern's recent advice involving the compatibility of western and eastern philosophies was still fresh in my mind, and I briefly considered that there might be more that I didn't know on the topic.

I also hadn't even touched Eastern Orthodoxy yet. It was one of the foundations that some of the Makiri mysteries stemmed from, and if I wanted to use them correctly, I should at least know how they function to some degree. The sooner I got on with it, the better, so I might as well start then and there.

'I'm going to leave the potion stuff for tomorrow,' I said to Einzbern as I got up off the chair. 'I'm burnt out after spending hours on that theory you just annihilated.'

"I haven't done anything wrong!" she growled as she folded her arms, watching me walk to the bookshelves.

'I didn't say— Ah, no, sorry, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I thanked you for it earlier, didn't I?'

Her expression softened, but she didn't unfold her arms, and after briefly holding eye contact with me, she turned away and seated herself on top of one of the bookshelves with her second pout and grunt of the hour. It seemed that she recovered from her brief lonely spell and decided to ignore me again, so it was probably a good idea to let her finish sulking.

I refocus my attention on a particular set of bookshelves. This section of the library contained the research involving Eastern Orthodoxy, and there should be a guidebook of sorts that would provide a brief overview of the foundation without going too in-depth. It had been pointed out to me by Byakuya when we started looking into foundation theory together. So far, we'd been studying the Slavic Pagan foundation, and we'd yet to move on to this one. I briefly wondered if Byakuya would mind me starting without him before pausing to shake the sentiment from my head.

Because I didn't care about that. Not even a little.

Finding what I was looking for with a brief scan, I reached for a book bound in a worn blue cover with an almost illegible title written in Russian.

"Kompendium pravoslavnykh katolicheskikh issledovaniya," I read aloud.

It translated to something along the lines of "Compendium of Orthodox Catholic Research", and Its age was made clear by its tattered binding and the mismatching pages of various colours indicating different kinds of paper. Parts had been added to the tome by Makiri magi over many centuries, it seemed.

I opened the book and checked for the index page as I carried it back over to my desk, finding an apparently up to date list of topics within the handwritten mess. A previous Makiri head— my great-grandfather specifically— had gone to the trouble of including one for future generations. I'd seen his handwriting before in study journals scattered around the library.

I placed the tome on the rosewood and seated myself in front of it, frowning as I checked each subject the book offered. Eastern Orthodoxy seemed to be much more convoluted than I'd thought. Apophatic Theology? Hesychasm? Tabor Light…?

The foundation was probably not one of the things I'd had the chance to look into during the old causality, as nothing was ringing any bells. I decided it was probably best to simply read it front to back, one page and subject at a time.

---

September 1st, 1989, 11:27 AM, Miyama City Nursery School.

"You can put me down now…" I told Byakuya once we'd arrived at the front door of the nursery school.

I could hear Einzbern giggling at my expense as she floated nearby. She'd been cackling as soon as Byakuya lifted me onto his shoulders. I did tell her it wasn't funny, but that just made her laugh more.

"Alright, then," Byakuya said as he knelt low enough so I could climb down. "Do your legs feel better?"

"Yes, they're fine," I lied.

"Shinji."

"… Th-They're still little sore," I admitted.

"In that case, try to rest your legs while you're here," he said before standing up. "I don't mind if you want to try walking the whole way again next time if you like. Just let me know as soon as you feel worn out, okay?"

"… Okay," I mumbled as Byakuya opened the door and held it open for me.

I hated being three. I couldn't even walk from home to the Fuyuki bridge on my own with these tiny lungs and toothpick legs.

Einzbern's barely audible snickering continued.

'Stop that!' I complained, my telepathic shout managing to come across as a childish whine that only seemed to spur on her tittering.

I was going to add to my objection when she looked down her nose at me with a sadistic smirk and an amused hum, and I decided to leave it at a groan when it occurred to me that this was preferable compared to the moping she'd been doing.

She had earned the break, I suppose.

Leaving Einzbern to her own giddiness, I turned my attention to what I could sense inside the nursery school. I'd learned to detect magical presences a few days ago, and Hinode was not difficult to pinpoint. Remembering the layout of the building, I knew that she must be at the reception desk today.

I passed through the entrance to the nursery school reception room and Byakuya followed close behind me. I already knew his mood would sour when he noticed Hinode. I hadn't seen much of her since I'd been recovering from the trauma to my stomach. And before that, she and Byakuya had spoken nothing more than necessary after he interrogated her in January.

I'd almost forgotten what she looked like after spending so much time away from nursery school. She wore her black hair in a thick braid that reached down to the centre of her back as she always had, tied at the end with the same white ribbon she'd worn since I met her. Like all the school staff, I'd always seen her in pastel-shaded clothing that bore the faded marks of finger paint and other coloured substances that reflected how long they had all worked here.

She noticed me enter and blinked in recognition before her gaze was drawn up to Byakuya following close behind me. The two adults both fell into a mutual deadpan glare as soon as they locked eyes, and after a brief hesitation, Byakuya approached the desk, and the two went through the steps of signing in my presence here. The exchange proceeded the same as before my month of absence, with the fewest words and interactions possible.

It was an awkward scene to watch, knowing that Byakuya's opinion of her was based on the possibility she'd been responsible for the nightmares caused by my connection to Einzbern.

"Have a good day, Matou-sama," Hinode said with a stoic glare once the tedium was dealt with.

Byakuya didn't respond to her and instead led me to the room where the other children were already mingling before he knelt again to speak to me. "Do you have your ginseng?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I've got them."

"They aren't lollies. So don't let any of the other kids have them," he instructed.

"I know. I won't."

He continued his doting. "Remember that if anything happens you can ask one of the adults here to help you, okay?"

I nodded again. "Mm."

"Except that woman," he added, obviously referring to Hinode. "Try not to let yourself be alone with her."

"I'll…" I started, glancing in her direction and spotting her penning something onto a document of some sort. "I… actually don't think she's—"

"Shinji," he said sternly.

I yielded to his dour expression with a nod and a hum. I didn't even know why I'd even tried that line of reasoning there. It wasn't like I cared about either Byakuya or Hinode enough to bother. And I couldn't clear up their misunderstanding without the risk of revealing too much to Zouken either, as he was likely to be listening to my every word.

"Good. Take it easy, Shinji," Byakuya said. Then he…

Then he…

Huh…?

H-He— He's t-tousling my hair?! N-No! St-Stop! This— that is— I d-don't—

Why?!

"I'll see you later, Shinji," Byakuya said as he withdrew his hand and stood up.

I could hear Einzbern having another laughing fit as I watched Byakuya wave goodbye to me with a smile. I didn't take my eyes off him until he'd left the nursery school through the front door.

What just happened?

Still looking in the same direction, I noticed Hinode at the desk near the entrance. She threw a casual look down the hallway and caught sight of me, still standing petrified where Byakuya had made a mess of my hair, and after a brief flash of surprise washed over her, she felt it necessary to cover her mouth and look away for some reason.

I'd completely forgotten that she was devil spawn.

I sheepishly readjusted my dishevelled hair and found somewhere secluded to sit in the playroom. I had not gone out of my way to make friends here, so while I did receive a few passing glances, no one called out to me. One of the school staff came over to check on me, though. I told her Byakuya had instructed me to rest after I exhausted myself earlier, and she decided to leave me be.

The only people I'd be willing to put up with right now would probably be either Kane or Einzbern. The ghost flew around the room, looking over the toddlers as they mingle with each other and the adults watching over them. I didn't know what caught her attention, but at least she was done making ridicule of Byakuya's doting.

Kane wasn't here yet. I hadn't seen her in a while, and she might run straight towards me on sight. She might be here soon, though, and the last time I was here before her, she tackled me over. I probably didn't need to be prepared for the event she decides to do it again, but I shift away from the wall slightly anyway, just to remove the risk of any head-to-wall collisions.

I felt a pinch in my shoulder and stifled a pained groan. Then I had to resist the urge to let out a second, more frustrated one, though I still end up gritting my teeth at the pain. The worms are demanding food more frequently once again. This was the third time today.

I glanced around the room to make sure no one had noticed anything, and once I was satisfied that no one was showing any particular interest in my behaviour, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Conceptualise, perceive, merge, visualise…

My nerve circuits began to draw from my od, and I transferred the fresh energy to where the worms were waiting restlessly. Precision was essential, so I sought each of them one by one before funnelling the energy to the circuits closest to their ravenous orifices. Their biting became a light nibbling, and everything they failed to drain from me began to evaporate into the room.

I felt my magical circuits start to warm as they slowly pulled trace amounts of ambient mana to me to restore my od. It wasn't very effective, and I assumed the inefficiency was just another of my circuit's flaws. If I kept my breathing steady, I could pull more of my wasted energy back in through my lungs before it completely dispersed. All of it gave me the appearance of meditating. And if I was be completely honest, that's pretty much what it was.

The number of times I had needed to feed these bloody things had forced me to practice the nerve conversion process to the point I could perform it in less than a second. I might have considered it convenient if it were actually the process I wanted to be most proficient in. I hadn't felt any decline in their effectiveness, but I didn't know how much I could use the vestigial nerves as faux circuits until they stop functioning. I didn't even know if they'll burst spectacularly out of the back of my head one day or just fizzle up and be rendered as useless as my natural magical circuits.

Thinking about it only reinforced my intent to find or put together an alternative source of magical energy.

My deadline would be somewhere in mid-June. If Zouken's explanation could be trusted, that was when the worms would reach the age they'd start breeding. It was slightly more than nine months away, so I had to use that time to find a solution to their energy requirements or remove them from my body somehow. With the resources I had, the mana potion was the only method I had available that could support them. If it didn't work, then I had no other options to work on right now.

As for taking the creatures out of my body, if I knew what caused the worm I had sealed away in my bedroom to abandon my body the way it had, then perhaps I could re-create the scenario and regurgitate the other four one by one. The only cost would probably be permanent damage to my digestive tract, which wouldn't be pleasant, but I'd live.

Then again, if the things laid eggs in me before I could do that, then I'd be wasting my time. If the one in my bedroom was female, then that wouldn't be a problem, but there wasn't any way I could determine its gender. I had yet to find even a single page written about crest worms in the library, and if there was any documentation on the creatures at all then it was undoubtedly in Zouken's study— and off-limits.

… I could hear someone sitting down in front of me. One of the other toddlers, if I had to guess.

The worms protested when I stopped converting od, but I strained myself to ignore them for the time being. What had happened to Kane might happen again if someone touched me in that state.

I opened my eyes, only to find the mayor's daughter herself. She must have just arrived and silently wandered over to me while I'd been thinking too hard to notice. She was on her knees in front of me, looking me over with an odd squint. It made me recall that she wore glasses in the old causality, and I briefly wondered whether she needed them this early.

"Hi, Kane-chan," I said.

"What are the colours?" she asked, looking around me for something.

"Colours? You mean paint?" I assumed, recalling how much she enjoyed painting.

"No," Kane shook her head slightly. "The fuzzy colours."

"What are fuzzy colours?" I asked, playing along with her.

My question only seemed to confuse her though, as she frowned, looking me over "You had them before!" she shouted suddenly, reaching out and grasping at me. "They were on your arms!"

She grabbed clumsily at my left arm, trying to pull it away from me. Familiar with her antics at this point, I decided that whatever she wanted was harmless and held out the limb for her.

She grasped it rather clumsily, tugging on it for a closer look, and I allowed her to pull me forward.

"Where did the colours go?" she said with visible confusion as she inspected my arm.

"… What are fuzzy colours?" I repeated my earlier question.

"The colours," she said, looking at me like I was meant to know what she was talking about. "They were here!"

"Um… did you want to do some painting?" I asked her, trying to figure out what she was getting at.

She rejected the idea rather angrily. "No! I know you're hiding the colours!" she whined, trying to show me my own arm as if it were evidence of a crime I'd committed.

I tried to gently pull my arm away, but she hugged it tight and wouldn't let go.

"Why won't you share?" she demanded to know.

The commotion caught Einzbern's attention. "What did you do this time, Matou-san?" she said accusingly.

'Nothing!' I said defensively. 'She started going on about "colours" and now she won't let go.'

"Colours?" the ghost asked. "What colours?"

'I don't know. I thought she meant paint but that only seemed to make her angry.'

"Huh…" Einzbern watched Kane briefly as I futilely attempted to gently pry my arm out of her grip. "What were you doing before all of this?"

'I was feeding the worms.'

"You were—? Ah. Okay, so… hmm," Einzbern fumbled for words, appearing conflicted about what she was trying to say.

'What is it?'

"It kind of sounds like she saw something specific while you were converting od," Einzbern continued. "We were probably wrong about her not having circuits."

'No… that can't be. We made certain,' I said, looking worriedly at Kane. 'Didn't we?'

She took a thoughtful breath. "It was the only method we could try at the time. Some other factor probably interfered with the results and gave us a false negative."

'What…? What kind of other factor? Why didn't you tell me it could fail?!' I asked angrily.

"Because it would have been impossible for us to check for that kind of thing at the time," Einzbern explained. "Either you have a natural aptitude for mental interference magecraft, which made the spell potent enough to surpass her natural magic resistance, or she has so few circuits that her resistance is pitiful enough to not even protect her from a simple charm. We had no way to account for either, and the odds of both were so low I just didn't think it would matter."

'Well, that's just great,' I grumbled sarcastically.

Kane drew my attention back to her with a whine of annoyance as she surrendered my arm and let me pull it away from her. It was a miracle that none of the adults in the room decided something was off about the whole thing and looked into it.

I supposed all of this meant she could see magical energy as a spectrum of different colours with fuzzy or blurred textures. It sounded completely different to my experience, as I perceived it as liquid or airflow; like being aware of a distant lake or understanding that wind was coming from a specific direction.

"Stop it, Shinji," Kane complained, drawing out my name as tears developed in her eyes.

I really didn't want her to explode on me right now. The school staff would undoubtedly try to resolve the situation and separate us. But they didn't exactly know what was going on, so Kane would become problematic for them…

It would probably be less of a hassle to just show her, and I need to convert od to feed the worms anyway. They've been biting ever since I stopped to deal with her, and I didn't think I could risk testing their patience any further.

Conceptualise, perceive, merge, visualise…

My nerves tapped into my life force, and I filtered the fresh magical energy into my circuits, transferring what I could to the worms again. They finally stopped their disgruntled gnawing and began to suck whatever energy they could from my circuits again.

Kane noticed the change after only a moment and sat up properly to stare at the colourful spectacle that only she could see. "See! I knew you were hiding them!" she said.

"Um… yeah. Sorry about that. I was meant to keep them a secret," I said to try and coax her out of her bad mood. Magecraft was meant to be a secret, so it wasn't even a lie.

"Oh…" she looked a little guilty.

"It's okay. No one else can see them except you, me, and Hinode-san," I told her. "Can you keep this a secret too?"

Thankfully, that seemed to make her happy. "Yeah. I'll keep them a secret."

I put a finger in front of my lips to shush at her, and she mimicked the action playfully.

I direct a question to the ghost. 'Interacting with other people's magical energy is a bad idea, right? Is this stuff okay for her to touch?'

"You're thinking of od. And as soon as it leaves your circuits it becomes mana anyway," Einzbern clarified. "She'll probably absorb it naturally, and could even turn it into her own magical energy if she knew how. Everything will be fine as long as you stop converting should any of the other kids come too close. We don't want a repeat of what happened two years ago, after all."

Kane began waving her hands around me, some of the mana sticking to her hands as she tried to grab at it. After she pulled her hands away to look at it, a large amount of it continued dissipating, but a smaller portion of it seeped into her and became indistinguishable from her body's natural od. She watched the process with fascination before reaching out and almost colliding with me to gather more.

Seeing vibrant colours sounds way better than what I got saddled with. I knew Kane thought she was playing around with some colourful toy, but from my perspective, she was playing around in an invisible viscous puddle oozing out of my body.

Once the worms were fed, I should convince her to focus on painting.

Shouldn't take much longer.

---

September 1st, 1989, 3:43 PM, Miyama City Nursery School.

I was sure now that I knew what it was like to go mad. It felt like I was finally going to lose my mind to all of this as I sat in the plastic chair in the entrance hallway of the nursery school, waiting for the father that never cared about me to lead me back to the den of that horrific wraith.

It had been almost three minutes since the standard schedule of activities here had ended, so Byakuya should be here soon. Kane's mother had arrived to collect her daughter already, and the toddler was upset that she couldn't play with the "fuzzy colours" anymore. The adult merely interpreted it as enjoying my company. Nothing harmful had happened to Kane while she was interacting with the mana, so I just hoped there wasn't some sort of delayed effect that would take hold of her while she was home with her parents.

This was taking too long. Five hours had almost passed, and the worms were still eating. I'd already taken the ginseng Byakuya had given me, and I was feeling the same strain I used to before vomiting up the one back home. It hurt. And not like normal pain. It was like going weak, numb, and lightheaded, while a persistent ache developed and spread everywhere it could.

The worms might have just been disgruntled about today. I wouldn't put it past them to actively punish like this me for briefly withholding their food, and a gut feeling told me Zouken probably designed them to do something like this. But I would honestly prefer that scenario instead of one where this was just the start of the worms draining me dry every waking moment again.

I felt like praying to whatever god I could think of, just on the off chance they could somehow tip the scales—

I shook my head.

What a ridiculous thought. I was definitely close to losing my sanity, and what I needed at this point was to focus on some menial thing that could distract me from these parasites, like talking to someone about nothing in particular. But since Einzbern was so determined to evade talking to me that she flew through the ceiling, the only other person here was Hinode.

The woman was sitting at the reception desk nearby, her pen swiping away at the surface as she managed some sort of paperwork. I could tell her focus was exceptional, but she spared me a glance every so often, as she was responsible for me while I was here. Byakuya had asked me not to end up in a situation like this, but all the other children had left the nursery school already, and Hinode was left here to watch over me by the other staff.

I should work with what I have.

I stood up off of the plastic chair and started walking up to the desk, trying to think of something I could ask her as a conversation starter. Some kind of common ground, perhaps? I shouldn't wait for her to start talking to me, at least.

I managed to keep a question in mind as I arrived at the desk. It was a heavy topic, but it summarised what connected us beyond nursery school to an extent.

"Is Zouken still harassing you?" I asked her.

… Okay. Perhaps that was a bit too heavy for an opening topic.

Hinode looked up from the document she was filling out, only to stare at me for a few moments. Baffled thoughts probably rushed through her head for that short time, and she eventually attempted to turn a deaf ear to me. She went back to completing her paperwork, perhaps hoping I wouldn't try to bother her again.

That was a little irritating. "Oi, I'm talking to you, Hinode-san. Is Zouken bothering you at all?"

She lifted her head to stare at me once again before she sent a few glances around the entrance hall. She eyed the potted plant in the corner, the front door, and even the framed children's drawings on the walls. She was obviously suspicious of me. Most people would be. Even magi.

"Who is Zouken?" she asked softly.

"The head of the Matou clan and my… grandfather," I tried my best to sound not resentful of addressing him like that, but it happened anyway.

"Oh," she said, fiddling with her pen. "And why do you ask?"

I couldn't exactly say that I'm here to protect my own sanity, could I?

I think Zouken might have implied at some point that he was going to the trouble of bothering her. It was probably true and had all started because I exposed her to two powerful magus families that, realistically, ruled the city she was trying to peacefully live in.

"It was my fault he found you in the first place. I'd like to know what kind of mess I've made for you," I explained.

She frowned. And kept frowning. It didn't seem as though she was upset, and she looked absolutely baffled instead. For the second time, I considered that maybe I should have chosen a different starting conversation.

A click of plastic ended the long silence as she put her pen down and took a quick breath. "The Second Owner told me that the Matou clan discovered that I was here and that they reported that to him out of worry. I had to bargain with him for permission to stay."

Zouken? Worried?

I doubted that, but it did sound like I was responsible for her suffering a loss of some kind. "Did you lose anything important? To Zouken? Or Tohsaka-san?" I asked.

She continued to restrain herself from reacting in any way. "Why do you want to know?"

"As I said, it was my fault, so I might be willing to reimburse you in the future."

Her countenance failed as she gaped for a split second before she took control of her expression back and looked down with a bewildered look so she could properly process what I'd said.

She looked back at me briefly and seemed to be attempting to say something, but she held a finger up at me to ask for more time. The weirdest combination of expressions mixed over her face before she took another breath to begin speaking.

"Ha— ahahahah!"

But instead of words, she couldn't hold back the laughter she'd been restraining anymore.

"Aha— ha! I'm sorry, I just can't take any of this seriously when you talk like tha— ha—! Hahaha!"

"W-What do you mean?" I asked, and the sound of my words clued me in on the apparent joke that was my own voice. "Th-This isn't funny!"

"Ahahah! But you're so serious! Your voice— and you're so tiny!" she pointed delicately at me, speaking her words with an artificial squeak. "Ahahahah—!"

She leaned back into her chair to keep herself upright and cackled while muttering barely audible comments, leaving me to wait for her to calm down. Once she'd collected herself, she gathered up all of the paperwork on the desk and slid it to the side to deal with later.

"Okay. So…" she started, clearing her throat. "You wanted to talk to me about…?"

I tried to keep my voice steady. "About the situation you're in after I—"

A snort escaped her, prompting her to giggle under her breath.

"… Blew your cover," I finished as she once again failed to contain her tittering.

She might be doing this on purpose, actually. I probably should have expected this kind of reaction from the woman who tried to make me traverse a verbal obstacle course just to get paint out of my hair.

I definitely preferred it when she was all tense and aloof.

"Ah… ha… I'm sorry. Yes. You wanted to know if Zouken took anything from me, and about my deal with Tohsaka?" she asked with a much more relaxed tone.

I confirmed with a nod.

"I'm assuming that it was Zouken watching me go about my business for a bit. He uses those, uh… bug things…?" she asked.

"They're worms," I clarified. "But 'things' is also fine."

"That was him, then. He didn't take anything, and stopped watching me after a while. Probably got bored since none of it was particularly interesting," she explained. "As for Tohsaka, I had to offer him the entirety of my clan's research into mystic codes."

It only took a moment for me to realise exactly how much that could add up to. "Uhh— that's, um… how much is that, exactly?"

"Quite a bit," she explained. "I gave him copies, though. So I didn't really lose anything."

"Hinode-san."

"Yes, Shinji-kun?"

"May I withdraw my offer of reimbursement?" I asked, the words tumbling out as fast as I could pronounce them.

She smiled gently at me. "You may."

I didn't realise I'd been holding my breath until I let it go. Debt was bad. Very, very bad.

"But only if you explain to me why such an unhealthy amount of mana is pouring out of you," she added. "As adorable as it was to watch Kane play with it, I can tell it's related to that pasty complexion you've developed. It's been bothering me."

"Um… it's…" I mumbled.

This wasn't a good topic to fall into, because I didn't think it was something I could talk to her about. Zouken probably wouldn't take kindly to me discussing the behaviour of the crest worms with someone. And although I wasn't too sure about it, he might consider the state of my circuits to be a family secret too. I knew I needed to dodge the question, somehow, and I was trying to conjure up a half-truth that she might accept.

She cocked her head slightly, and her giddiness disappeared as the silence drew on. "Can't say, huh?" she assumed.

I wasn't able to think of anything and just ended up staring at the back of the desk for about a minute, completely speechless. The only thing I could do was to let Hinode lead the conversation for a while and speak up when I could until she decides to change the topic.

"I'm not sure," I said. "I don't want to end up putting a target on you again, either."

"That makes sense, given how secretive magi are," Hinode said, reclining into her chair. "But if you're worried about anyone finding out that you're talking about it, I'm pretty sure no one is watching us right now."

My breath hitched, and I was unable to stop myself from gawking at her in bewilderment. "… What do you mean? There's no way he isn't watching right now— I'm here! With you of all people!"

The woman smiled. "I'm glad you think so highly of me. You should check— oh, wait. Can you do that? Check for nearby familiars somehow?" she asked.

"Uh… yeah," I mumbled. "I can do that."

She gestured for me to do so, and I closed my eyes to concentrate on surveying the mana in the nearby area. I didn't know how good my range was as compared to other magi, but I could perceive things within a twenty-metre radius. Naturally, the mana cloud I was producing stood out like a sore thumb. Hinode, as a magus, also had a rather significant presence. It only made me think that she must be rather gifted.

Other than her though, a bird was roosting on the nursery school's gutter, there were plenty of insects and spiders hidden away in every space they could get into, and one of the plants in the front garden outside had far less mana than the others and was obviously dead.

No crest worms. No mana trails leading back in the general direction of home either. The four worms within me had never linked back to Zouken, so that wasn't an issue. Familiars were easy to spot, so without any nearby…

That meant…

"He's really not watching…" I whispered to myself as I opened my eyes, unable to believe it despite the fact staring me in the face.

"Mm… So!" Hinode clapped her hands together to snatch my attention. "What ails you, exactly?"

I looked up at her slowly, still wearing the same stupefied expression that I hadn't bothered to deal with yet. She was smiling at me expectantly, and a part of me was convinced that I could tell her what was going on. I was in Zouken's blind spot. And that was enough to make me think that there would be no consequences.

I considered the possibility that she might be using some sort of trust charm or something to that effect. The only problem with that theory was that I hadn't detected any kind of mana flow around her, so she hadn't been using any magecraft.

There was no harm then, right…?

"I… I have four of those worms in my body and they eat my od. And when that isn't enough for them they force me to convert it into energy. They've been at it for hours and they won't stop. My circuits are weird and they don't stop magical energy from evaporating, so it all disperses into… this. I hate it. It hurts— it really hurts, and in nine months or so there's a chance that they'll multiply, and when that happens I might not be able to keep them fed, so they'll probably just eat me instead," I blurted out, having to restrain myself from speaking too fast and stumbling over my words. "I… I don't know what to do."

Hinode took all that in for a few moments, staring contemplatively at me and blinking occasionally. "You were holding onto that for a while, huh?" she said with another gentle smile.

I nodded.

She drew a long breath before humming as if affirming a thought she'd had. "From the sound of it, right now you just need a top-up for your dwindling od."

She turned on her chair and pulled her purse off the ground beside her. Opening one of the pockets, she fished around inside for a few seconds before she pulled something out. Smirking, she held it out over the desk for me to take from her, so I took the thing and looked it over.

It was a vial of blood almost the length of a common plastic bottle. It held a good amount of mana, but it wasn't as much mana as the ginseng that Byakuya prepared for me. If I was reading the density correctly, it was only just more than half of that.

"Blood isn't very tasty, but I always keep a vial of it on hand just in case," she said.

I looked up at her again. "You're just… giving this to me?"

She blinked. "Well, yeah. You need it more than I do right now, and I'm sort of responsible for your well-being until your father shows up to take you home."

I couldn't even begin to doubt her on that. I knew it was all true. If she was just doing her job, then that was a little easier to accept.

"I'll tell you what though— that grandfather of yours is either an idiot, hopeless, or a hopeless idiot," she said, flicking out a finger as she listed each of her insults for the Matou elder. "Od depletion is no joke. Especially at your age."

I opened the vial and stared at it for a few seconds before looking at Hinode again. She gestured to the vial enthusiastically, and unable to hold back or give a damn about appearances anymore, I downed the blood in breathless gulps.

"Try not to choke," Hinode warned.

It tasted metallic, bitter, and sticky. The only upside to it was that the vial kept it fresh and none had started to coagulate yet.

It was the best thing I'd had all day.

The strain started to lift from me while I was still drinking. The lightheadedness faded and the pain eased up. I almost lost myself in relief. It was only a small refill. And I still had to convert it into energy for the worms…

But I had some extra time before things got unbearable again. "Thank you, Hinode-san," I said as I finished it off.

Folding her arms, she said, "Nah, don't mention it! I'm just glad you aren't white as sheet anymore. I did say already, but as long as you're coming to this place, it's my job to make sure that nothing happens to you. I won't pry into your situation or your family's craft either. Even if I can't help but wonder why your father hasn't done anything about this yet." She let out a long disappointed sigh and folded her arms before she muttered under her breath, "Fucking magi."

A moment passed before she realised what she'd said, slapped a hand over her mouth, and stared at me hopefully.

I huffed in amusement. "You can swear all you like, I don't fucking care."

At my own expletive language, she visibly flinched. "… Promise me you won't tell anyone I said that to you?" she asked.

I felt a smug leer appear on my face. "What's the magic word?"

"Of course you remember that…" she groaned. "Tell you what, I'll bring an emergency vial of blood for you every day if you keep that little slip of the tongue to yourself."

"Deal!" I said enthusiastically, putting the empty vial on the desk.

She put her head down on the desk in defeat as she took the container back, mumbling under her breath. "I'm supposed to be good with children, too…"

I briefly wondered when I should tell her I'd swindled her. Perhaps before I moved up to kindergarten. Unless I actually went out of my way to find her again, that would be the last time I'd see her. If I did seek her out, it would probably be for something magecraft related. Her family specialised in mystic codes if I was remembering correctly.

I thought harder on the matter when I recalled that a mystic code was one of the methods Einzbern and I had discussed that might allow me to deal with the problems my magical circuits presented. If Hinode really was well versed in them, then perhaps the solution to my issues had been with her the entire time. It was definitely worth looking into.

"Hinode-san," I said, intending to restart our conversation.

She looked up from the desk, sitting upright again, but before I could ask her about anything, I heard the building's front door make a resonant click.

Then I remembered that I was expecting Byakuya.

I hastily returned to the plastic chair to conceal my interaction with Hinode. I did the opposite of what he asked, talking to Hinode like that, and I wasn't sure how he would deal with it. So it was probably simpler to prevent him from finding out at all.

I managed to get seated before Byakuya stepped into the room, and he smiled when he spotted me "waiting" for him. Einzbern drifted in close behind, probably having seen him approaching by waiting on the roof.

I stood up energetically from the chair and made my way over to them. "Ready to go home, Shinji?" Byakuya asked.

"Yeah," I replied with a nod before I darkened my tone. "I'm walking."

He smirked at me as he held the door open. "We'll see…"

As I walked through the doorway, I looked back to Hinode. She was watching us leave and took the opportunity to wink at me. Einzbern, ever attentive, noticed the exchange and flew ahead of me to catch my attention.

"Um… Matou-san," she said. "What exactly did I miss?"

I looked her dead in the eyes. 'Just some networking,' I answered.

Einzbern pondered my answer for a moment before she nodded in understanding.

---

September 25th, 1989, 11:28 PM, Matou Residence.

'Eeee…' the worms started to make their noise audible to me, bringing me out of my lethargic state enough to actually realise what was going on.

I struggled with my bedsheets, which felt heavy enough that I might have thought someone was actually trying to suffocate me. I managed to turn onto my stomach and lift myself onto my knees, letting the covers slide off my back. I summoned up whatever remained of my strength and slid off the mattress. My legs started to ache from simply holding my weight.

Even the simplest of things become a chore when you're clinging onto the last of your od.

'Eeee…' the whine echoed in my mind again.

There was a small plate with a piece of ginseng on the nearby low table. I knew it was there, even if I couldn't see it clearly in the dark. My feet throbbing with each step, I hobbled over to it and simply lowered my head so I could grip it between my teeth and lips. Biting a piece off, I chewed the bitter root until it was barely soft enough to swallow, and the mana stored within it was absorbed by my starved body.

I sighed with relief as the pain alleviated and took an unsteady breath when it didn't all disappear. When it began to slowly return, dread came with it.

I plucked the remainder off of the plate and ate it as quickly as I could, snuffing out the last of the aching. Merely a slight discomfort remained, but that only meant it wasn't enough. The worms weren't demanding energy right now, but if they started calling to me, I probably wouldn't last any more than a few minutes. Byakuya had told me to go to him if this ever happened, so I floundered out of my bedroom's open door.

I had to blink a few times when I found Einzbern levitating just outside in the hallway, but I was simply too worn out to think about it. She started trailing behind me as I turned into the corridor.

She seemed to notice my current condition well enough, though. "Having a rough night, Matou-san?" she said.

'Yeah…' I said with a groan. 'You… aren't sleeping?'

"You know it's not actually sleeping. But, no, I've been avoiding that lately."

I wiped some grit out of my eyes. 'I thought you found it preferable to just waiting out the night. What changed?'

"I've swum in my own memories enough that I don't really gain anything from doing it anymore," she said, becoming downcast. "… And some of it isn't exactly pleasant to look back on."

I had no reason to disagree, having seen most of them myself, so I continued to walk carefully down the hall.

Until a sharp cry tried to split my head open.

'EEEEEEEEE!'

Startled by the noise and tripping on air, I fell over. I let out a pained grunt as I narrowly caught myself on my outstretched arms.

The worms wanted energy. But I absolutely couldn't afford to convert any od for them. I'd be out cold in seconds if I did.

I pulled my head up to look down the hallway. I could hear a clock ticking somewhere. The door to Byakuya's bedroom seemed to be drifting away with every tick.

With my thoughts hazed, I crawled over to the wall to use it as support and get myself on my feet. I sidestepped slowly, using my arms to stay upright against the wall. My vision started to get a little blurry as sweat from my brow fell over my eyelids, and I had to blink it away with a slight shake of my head.

"It's not that much further," Einzbern said, trying to encourage me.

'Don't,' I said in irritation as I started to wheeze. 'It doesn't help. Just… don't.'

Her face tightened up slightly. "It's all I can do…" she muttered.

'Well, if you know that your useless right now then be quiet!' I snapped, my impatience getting the better of me.

She stopped following me and remained where she was for a few moments. I didn't bother to look at what she was doing, but as I arrived at the door to Byakuya's bedroom I caught sight of her as she floated away further down the hallway to my right. I saw her pass through the library door at the far end, but I didn't really care what she got up to at that point, so I reached up to knock on Byakuya's door.

And then exhaustion grabbed me and pulled me down to the floor once again. I didn't land on my hands this time and fell ungracefully onto my back. Still panting, I feel my strength slowly fading.

The situation had become too much for me to handle.

'Eeee… eeee… eeee…'

Lying there on the hard floor, I thought it was probably guaranteed that I would die here in the hallway. Unless Zouken decided to take pity on me. He might. I was still the only heir to the bloodline at this point. Maybe he was just waiting for the most climactic moment to come and swoop in to save the day in some attempt to ingratiate himself with me.

I let a soft huff out at the thought. Fat chance of that happening.

Einzbern was right. I should never have involved myself with these stupid worms. I'd dug myself into a hole that I couldn't climb out of, and thanks to that, my demise was guaranteed.

This entire reality was a nightmare.

Perhaps I was just having some kind of fever dream after collapsing in the library?

I'd wake up in my bed. Maybe I slept on my arm, and it would numb for a few minutes. I would've told Sakura I had a weird dream over breakfast, and she might have replied by telling me about something she'd dreamt of a while ago, just to make me feel better about it. Then I'd go to work. Maybe I would flirt with that nurse before the first operation. What was her name again?

Yeah. Everything was going to be just fine.

The paradox never happened.

… I felt a portion of my cognisance return as that particular thought hung over my head for a few moments.

If the paradox never happened, then I'd go back to the old causality, right? Einzbern had said that the only thing stopping the world from correcting the paradox was the true magic she had. If that was maintaining it, could she, as the magician responsible, undo it and let everything be reverted?

The very idea seemed to give me a burst of energy. 'Einzbern-san!' I called out as I stood up too swiftly and almost failed to catch my own weight, nearly falling over backwards.

She didn't respond, but I knew which direction she'd gone.

I used one arm to balance myself against the wall and continued down the hallway, away from where Byakuya slept and towards the library. Upon reaching it, I stretched my arm up to the handle, pulled it down, then pushed the door open and walked in.

Einzbern was drifting between the bookshelves, quietly reviewing whatever titles she could make out in the darkness when she heard my approach. She stopped where she was and turned quickly, her hair trailing weightlessly behind her movements.

She levelled a particularly intense glower at me. "What are you…? Why are you here, Matou-san?! You have to go to Byakuya!" she shouted at me in concern.

'Is it possible that you could use Paradox in some way right now?' I asked in haste.

She jerked her head back a little and raised her eyebrows, processing my query before she gaped in a show of bewilderment.

"Didn't you understand when I told you it's a one-time thing?!" she asked, raising her voice.

'No, that's… I mean could you undo the magic? So that none of this ever happened— maybe even start over?'

Once again, she appeared to be completely bewildered.

'You can do that, right?' I pressed.

"No, Matou-san, I can't. So please—"

'Why not?!'

"Because I can't use the pathway from the old causality for that kind of thing! I'm not even sure if I can use it for anything, either!" she screamed at me before she let out a frustrated cry. "And if I could reset the paradox, it might not matter anyway!"

I remained locked in a desperate stare, and Einzbern faced me with a worried scowl that was more confusion than anger.

'Eeee… eeee… eeee…'

I could feel the strain continuing to build up in my body.

'So you can't undo the paradox, but even if you did, it wouldn't matter?' I said, as calmly as I could manage. Which wasn't very calm, but still more than I'd been half a minute ago. 'What aren't you telling me, Einzbern-san?'

"Listen," she said after pausing to breathe deeply. "The magic prevents the paradox from collapsing, and I don't know if that extends to any attempt I might make to reverse it myself."

'So you don't actually know if you can't do it or not until you try,' I said with a frown. 'Then… do you think it's possible? Even a little?'

"… Well, I have thought about this before so, theoretically— don't get ahead of yourself just yet, Matou-san! I'm not done!" she snapped as she saw my intent to interrupt. "I could, theoretically, reverse engineer the process that the magic uses to dismantle the pathway, allowing the world to regain control of the contradiction that the paradox represents and eradicate it."

'… Then?' I asked, hearing the eager tone in my voice, even in telepathic form.

"That's where the theory gets scary," Einzbern cleared her throat. "As I've said before; Paradox was one-time use. We might not be able to start over at all, simply because I've already used it this once."

I realised Einzbern must have put some thought into what was possible should we return to the old causality at some point. She was a magus. A good magus, too. I should have assumed as much.

"There's more, Matou-san," she said, taking note of my changing expression. "The world would eradicate the paradox. All of it. It would be as if we'd never come here in the first place, and… I'm not too sure if that includes our memories of it or not. But I'd be inclined to believe that it does."

'So what if we don't remember this?' I asked. 'That sounds pretty good to me!'

"If I can unravel the paradox, and, hypothetically, I do, then there are four possible outcomes," she started explaining. "The best and least likely is that I can use Paradox again with our memories, so you'd be able to do it differently if you wanted to try again. The worst is that I can start another paradox and we don't have our memories."

'… Why is that bad, exactly?' I asked when she paused.

"If I started another paradox without our memories of this one, then we'd probably do the same things over and over again. A loop."

I lowered my head in understanding as I took it all in.

"The other two possibilities are that we'd be in the old causality for good, and you'd have to chance surviving those injuries my circuits caused," she continued. "If you do survive, the difference depends on whether or not we remember the last three years."

Once Einzbern's explanation was completed, I stood there quietly, contemplating all the information she'd dumped on me with my head bowed.

We could try going back. And the best-case scenario would be a second chance. A real second chance, where I could conveniently discover nerve circuits earlier, and Zouken would have no reason to kill Mother. I could avoid hurting Kane too, and feign ignorance of Hinode and let her stay undiscovered. Zouken wouldn't have to go out of his way to bring ruin to everything. Things could be good in this house, and no one would get hurt.

There was the time loop to consider, though. But would everything really happen as it had this time again? Over and over? there was no way she could know that! Maybe something would change, and everything would be okay. That possibility isn't so dark!

Still…

'Eeee… eeee… eeee…'

I didn't think I cared if it would work or not.

'Eeee… eeee… eeee…'

Right now…

'Eeee… eeee… eeee…'

I wanted out.

After the silence drew on for a while, Einzbern sighed. "I'm sorry. It's true magic, so I can't explain the details to you without burying it all under a few hundred metaphors that don't make sense. I probably should have told you this sooner, too."

'… Any of those outcomes are fine,' I said, earning a look of shock from the ghost.

"What… what do you mean 'any of those outcomes are fine'?!" she yelled at me. "What are you even talking about?!"

'I mean that I don't mind risking what happens after. Just get me out of the paradox. I don't want this anymore,' I said, wrapping my arms around myself and grabbing my shoulders. 'I want these things out of me. They're driving me insane, and there's nothing I can do about them. They're going to kill me unless I miraculously figure something out…'

'Eeee… ee-e-e?'

The worms' chatter fluctuates as I speak, giving me pause. I'd thought that they couldn't understand my words or intentions. They are creatures of instinct, after all, and aren't intellectually capable of language above what I'd expect of a one-year-old.

I shook my head. That wasn't important right now.

'There isn't anything here worth staying for,' I continue, letting my shoulders go. 'Mother's gone, Byakuya's already damned, and all the other people I've interacted with on any level are hurt, or simply worse off because of it. Even if we can't make another paradox, I owe it to them to undo the damage I've done.'

I took a moment to breathe deeply. I'd made my decision, and there was no doubt in me that it was the best one.

I was going to take the risk.

"… So you're just giving up?" Einzbern asked.

I looked up to Einzbern and was met with a displeased glare. Her scarlet eyes flashed with a barely contained temper as she scowled at me.

'Einzbern-san?' I said, a touch of worry encroaching on my mind.

"What happened to all the bravado you had about enduring something not even close to what your sister could, huh?" she asked, "I actually thought you were better than this."

I didn't understand why she was even bringing that up. 'Of course I can't handle what Sakura went through! I underestimated the whole thing! I have these crap circuits and—'

"I understand the problem with your circuits, Matou-san! What I don't understand is why you're being so naive! You were given a second chance, Matou-san. By me," she said. "And now you think, after suffering so badly in the outcomes of your own mistakes, that you can just ask for another miracle?!"

I stared at her in astonishment.

"No. I won't do it."

'… What?'

"I won't attempt to unravel the paradox."

'But— that— you— you're supposed to be on my side, aren't you?!'

"There are no 'sides'! You're just confused and exhausted! I'm trying to get you to do what you need to do, but you're being so stubborn about it that you're hurting yourself!"

'Please, Einzbern-san,' I was practically begging at this point.

"I said, 'no'!"

'Please, there's no other way! We have to do this!'

"Oh, come on, Matou! You aren't that stupid, are you?"

'What's that supposed to mean?'

"I'm the sixth magician. Not you. Me. I'm not going to use Paradox just because it would be a convenient way to deal with your regrets. We might be stuck in this situation together, but you can't make me do whatever you want— neither of us can order the other to do anything! And because of your own delusions, you failed to consider something."

She straightened her posture and hovered slightly higher.

"I don't want to even bother trying to break up the paradox because I'm not willing to take the risk, even if you are," she declared before pointing out of the doorway. "Now go and get Byakuya's help before this ends badly!"

'… But you're already dead, Einzbern! There's literally nothing at stake for you!' I tried to argue.

She groaned and ignored me, staring at the floor as she thought.

'Einzbern?'

She threw a glance at me with her eyes narrowed in consideration. Then she nodded to herself and started to leave, turning her back on me as she went through the doorway.

… She wasn't going to help me? Why not? She was here to help me… right? I didn't understand. She said that she would help me, didn't she? She must have!

How else was I meant to escape all of this!?

'Eeee… eeee… eeee…' the worms whined, pulling at my circuits.

… A lie?

I knew Einzbern was hiding something from me, but why would she lie? there was nothing for her to gain from that! I didn't understand why she would even bother! All she could do was helplessly watch everything unfold!

'Eeee… eeee…? eee-ee…!?' there was nothing for the worms to eat.

She was probably enjoying my torment, then! Like some kind of demon! An evil, twisted, malicious spectre! She was an apparition. there was no way she counted as a human being anymore.

Wait. Would she even have counted as a human before?

No! No! The answer was no!

She was always a wretched product of magecraft before she was a ghost and has always been just as twisted! I had seen that she was practically a murderous schizophrenic! It explained the manipulation, lies, and—

'Eeeeat!? Eat?! EAT?! EAT! EAT! EAT!'

And the pain!

That had to be it! It had to be!

With my epiphany in mind, I pursued her out of the library, stopping just outside. 'I think I finally understand you properly now, Einzbern!'

"Oh? Is that so? Why don't you reveal your glorious insight to me o-ver he-re?" she said, travelling down the corridor and beckoning me with a hand gesture and an obviously phoney smile.

'You're enjoying this aren't you!' I said.

She continued to beckon me to follow her down the hallway.

'It makes perfect sense now! You're trying to puppet me into some kind of scheme!'

"I'm getting further away, Matou!" she taunted, slowly floating down the hallway. "If you don't follow me, I won't be able to hear you anymore."

This bitch—!

'What exactly are you hiding!' I said, lumbering down the hallway to keep up with her, ignoring the pain in my legs. 'There's absolutely no benefit for you to not undo the paradox! What could you possibly want from keeping us here in this hell?!'

"Keep coming this way!"

"Shut up! Shut up!" I screamed, not even bothering to say it telepathically. "Shut up and do as I say!"

"Nope! You should come just a little closer!"

"Do it! Or I'll—"

"Or what? Are you going to call me a name? Are you going to hit me?" she said emotionlessly, floating back to me and finally lowering herself to keep me at eye level. "Give it your best effort, then."

If that was what she wanted!

I balled a fist and swung it forward. It passed right through Einzbern and bounced painfully off the door behind her. "Aarrgh!" I yelped at the pain, grasping my hand.

"Oh, you actually tried?" she said, still smirking.

'Why are you being so difficult? What gives you the right to complain about any of this?! I'm the one at risk of being eaten alive— of suffering meaninglessly until it ends!' I said, successfully wiping that overbearing smile off of her face. 'The most you have to put up with is boredom!'

"… Suffering meaninglessly?" She asked quietly.

I had a hard time believing that she just asked that. 'Isn't it obvious?!'

She stepped forward and screamed in my face. "Haven't you realised yet?!"

I flinched at her sudden shriek.

She took a stuttered and hasty breath. "I can't do anything, Matou-san. Anything. I can't eat, and I can't sleep. I can't touch things, or feel the sunlight or the night air on my skin— I don't even have skin! I can't change my clothes, so I'm stuck wearing what I died in! I can't talk to other people so I'm stuck with you! Do you still want to hit me? If you could then I would let you because at this point I'd welcome the pain! It would be a nice deviation fr-from the nothing I've had for the past th-three years!"

Her uneven breathing had started to disrupt her speech. "The worst par— part is I m-might be stuck like this forever! That's got to be worse tha— than any kind of stupid discomfort you— that you're dealing with! So don't tell me that you want out of this si— this situation you might actually be able to handle if you just tried, while I have to deal with the futility of— of being th-this!"

Despite the anger she was pouring into her verbal explosion, tears started dripping down her cheeks. "You think that you can take the easy way out? That you're entitled to the best opportunity? You weren't exactly a saint in the old causality, so how could you possibly think that?! How many pep— p-people did you hurt? You said yourself that you raped Sakura. Your own sister! More than once, too! And as if one of the Tohsakas wasn't enough for you, y-you tried to have the other one as well!"

She took more violent breaths as she tried to speak over her sniffling. "Maybe this is your retrin— retribution for everything… so… just shut up… and deal with it… please just… please…"

She finished talking and started weeping quietly. Her head was down and her tears fizzled out of existence before they even touched the floor.

In the quiet of the night, I could hear a clock somewhere nearby as it ticked every second that passed tirelessly.

I was almost convinced. Almost moved by Einzbern's emotional tirade. Almost brought to think that I'd underestimated exactly how awful her current existence was. That all she wanted this whole time was to interact with the world again. I'd been thinking along those lines not too long ago as I'd put up with her sour moods and melancholic behaviour.

But as I thought about what she said, something didn't make sense to me. It only solidified my idea that she was keeping a secret from me. Or that she was trying to take advantage of me somehow. That didn't mean that I couldn't be mistaken, though. I only had to ask to make sure.

Everything depended entirely on her answer.

'… Einzbern.'

"What?!" she cried.

'... When did I tell you about Rin?'

Her expression nearly froze in place.

I waited.

She said nothing.

The clock continued to tick.

She said nothing.

I felt cold. 'Einzbern.'

She shifted away from me slightly. "Matou-san, I—"

I felt angry. 'Einzbern!'

"Listen, I—"

'What aren't you telling me, Einzbern?!'

"Th-the, um, I…"

I continued to stare, my frown unchanging as I watch her eyes flicker away from contact with mine. 'I can see it! You're reaching for some kind of excuse! Trying and think your way out of it!'

"I can expl—!" she started, more tears coming down her face.

"Shut up!" I howled, not even bothering to look at her.

'—EEEEE—'

"Mato—"

'—EEEEEEE—'

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut—"

'—EEEEEEEEEE—'

"Please lis—!"

'—EEEEEEEEEEEE—'

"— up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut! Up! You hypocrite!"

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

I'm the one who has everything to lose! I'm the one doing all the legwork! Who cares about what a dead person feels?!

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

Manipulative— scheming— devious— lying— two-faced witch!

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

I wanted to give Einzbern another piece of my mind and tried to blink the rage out of my eyes so I could watch her squirm under my words.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

She wasn't there anymore. Where did she go?

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

I searched the hallway for her.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

She was hiding then? Good riddance!

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

Where was that muffled voice coming from? All I could hear properly was—

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

I couldn't hear the clock anymore.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

A door opened somewhere.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

I couldn't see where.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

Everything was spinning too fast.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

Someone was talking.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

I couldn't hear what they were saying.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

The ringing was too loud.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

I thought that I'd fallen over, but I couldn't tell.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

Everything was going dark.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

After all of this.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

The brief life I'd had here in the paradox.

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

I couldn't help but think…

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

Maybe my first mistake…

'—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—'

… Was to believe that I could even make a difference.

'—EEEEAAT!'

I was such a fool.

---

September 25th, 1989, 11:36 PM, Shinto Residential District.

It shouldn't have taken long for Shinji to simply get Byakuya's assistance. Zouken knew it was merely odic issues, and the boy's father had access to enough mana supplements that there was very little danger as long as the boy made it down the corridor. So when it became apparent that the boy had become delirious, shambling into the library of all places only to leave it and scream for the silence that he already had, Zouken attempted to force the creatures within him to restrain themselves for the night.

It had failed, but the boy apparently had the presence of mind to knock on Byakuya's bedroom door, if only once. The parent had awoken and dealt with the hysterical child. Of course, while the boy's safety was a priority, Zouken's thoughts were elsewhere.

His own familiars had ignored him.

Zouken did not have any influence over the five worms he had granted Shinji on that day. His connection to them has been completely and utterly severed. And if that wasn't enough of a farce, the boy was unaware that anything significant had occurred.

At first, Zouken had thought it was isolated to the worm in the terrarium, but tonight's event had proved otherwise. Something about the boy had inspired the worms to change their allegiance. The one in the glass box had talked down to Zouken, addressing him as "former master".

Former!

Zouken seethed at the memory.

It undeniably had to be the inheritor trait at work here. Zouken was Shinji's ancestor, and, as amusing as the sentiment was, he had given the worms to the boy in the form of a birthday gift. There was nothing more than a verbal agreement, but that made them an inheritance of a sort. The worms' fealty had shifted to the boy afterwards.

It was the only explanation that made sense to Zouken. The only explanation that he would accept. And the only explanation that kept his anger in check. Anger would only be a detriment in the next few moments, and Zouken had no reason to let his rage loose there.

He stood on the porch of a small and unassuming two-storey house in the Shinto area. It overlooked the river and wasn't too far away from the city hall. It was a terrible location for a magus' workshop, and Zouken thought lesser of the homeowner on that fact alone.

Zouken knocked on the front door thrice and waited. A few minutes passed, and he repeated the action. He'd simply break in if no one answered him after long enough.

The sound of heavy footsteps beating on stairs echoed from within the structure, coming closer. The handle turned and the door opened violently, stopping when the door chain deemed it far enough. Through the opening, Zouken saw a tired eye belonging to a grumpy woman.

"It's the middle of the night, old man!" the woman declared. "Who the fuck are you and what do you want?"

"Matou Zouken. An audience," the elder replied.

The eye squinted and wandered in thought. The door closed, and the sounds of various locks clicking open were heard before the door opened again to reveal Hinode Wakumi in her sleeping gown, hair tied back in a hasty ponytail, and eyes engulfed in dark circles.

"You can't come in," she said, in a standoffish posture with her arms folded. "But we can talk here."

"That's all I needed," Zouken said curtly.

"Couldn't this have been done earlier?" Hinode yawned. "… Or waited until the morning?"

"No," Zouken asserted.

"I'm assuming this is about Shinji-kun, then?" The woman groaned out.

"Hmph. I can see why you would, but I'm not here to discuss the boy with you. He is involved, however."

Hinode let her arms fall to her hips with a sigh. "Have I crossed a line of some sort? Mistreated Shinji in some way?"

"Hmph. No," Zouken shook his head. "I have no issues with your actions. I am actually rather grateful that despite your circumstances you have been looking after him in earnest. Especially given his… condition. I won't forget."

"… I would have a simpler time dealing with him if I knew exactly what was causing his od to drop so dangerously low," Hinode said after a moment. "He asked me for mana supplements, but he probably needs a more permanent solution."

Zouken raised an eyebrow. "He asked you for them?"

"More like extorted, actually," she said.

Zouken raised an eyebrow. "… That aside, I suppose Shinji's issues are related to the matter that brought me here. And it benefits everyone if you are aware. In short, his circuits have several unusual flaws."

Hinode stayed silent as Zouken began to explain, using the moment to raise her hand to her face and briefly rub her temples.

"The main issue is that his circuits cannot access his od. Thus he cannot generate magical energy with them," Zouken clarified, ignoring the woman's mannerisms.

"Really?" Hinode said, lowering her hand and narrowing her eyes. "How did that happen?"

"I have hypothesised that it is due to a mutation of some sort. I lack the means to investigate the matter, though," Zouken took a short breath. "The other distinction of his circuits is an inability to prevent magical energy from evaporating from within them."

"That explains the blanket of mana that covers him occasionally," Hinode nodded as she recalled what she had already seen. "Wait. If he can't generate magical energy, where is he getting it all?"

Zouken sighed. "When he was a year old, the boy devised a way to use his nerves instead."

Hinode almost gaped. "And you let him?" she said accusingly.

"It was his decision to utilise them afterwards," Zouken retorted. "He has been searching for alternatives, though I loathe to say that he would be in better health had I not offered him a method that, unfortunately, backfired."

"Oh? And what was it?" Hinode said, still mildly irritated.

"That," Zouken tapped his cane on the porch once, "is as far as I'm willing to discuss this particular tangent at the moment."

"… Fair enough," Hinode conceded, folding her arms once more. "So, basically he's got no natural ability as a magus, and your attempts to patch the issue didn't work."

Zouken hummed in confirmation, and the two were briefly silenced as a car passed the front of the house.

Hinode clicked her tongue. "What exactly is it that you want? The night is cold, and I'm getting impatient."

"Very well. The odds Shinji will be able to fulfil his role as the Matou heir, or even survive, are low. Thus, because that would mean the end of the Matou bloodline, a spare is necessary. I want you to provide that spare."

Hinode raised an eyebrow as Zouken finished speaking. She considered what exactly he meant, and she huffed when she reached the obvious conclusion. "I'm not an ideal breeder, Matou," she said. "And I don't get along with Byakuya."

"As long as you produce a child with functioning circuits, I'm not really pressed on the other details, such as anything to do with that barely useful man," Zouken sighed again. "The Matou are somewhat desperate at this point. I see no reason why you wouldn't suffice. Unless you know something I don't?"

Hinode huffed. "That's not important anyway. I refuse. Try someone else."

"Then I'll just force the matter," the elder said.

"I see. You think you can threaten me into this," Hinode said in acknowledgement.

"Well, failing that…" Zouken took a deep breath. "Life is a frail thing."

Hinode groaned. "So you're giving me a lethal ultimatum? That's kind of weird, considering you don't have me backed into a corner or anything."

"You're rather arrogant," Zouken said. "Hmph. Shall I corner you, then?"

A dull hum cut into the night's silence from the surrounding terrain. Any visible earth shuddered as something burrowed beneath the surface.

"Funny," Hinode smirked, completely unfazed. "I don't think your authority overrides Tohsaka's here. So, I think all I have to do is escape and claim self-defence, and you'll need to explain yourself to him."

The entire structure behind her echoed with metallic clicks, and then an aggressive whirring joined the hum from outside. All the curtains inside fluttered slightly, revealing glints of metal from within.

The two were barely more than a metre away from each other, each on one side of the open doorway, staring at each other and waiting for the metaphorical bell to ring.

As the standstill grew longer, Hinode remained motionless.

Zouken, however, eventually narrowed his eyes in contemplation. "What you just said doesn't make any sense," he said.

"I think I've been pretty straightforward," Hinode said with a self-satisfied tone.

"Why would you appeal to Tokiomi's authority?" The elder asked. "I don't see anything he would stand to gain by defending you. If anything, he'd be needlessly intruding on my own business. So, what makes you think he would weigh in on this?"

"Huh. How strange that he didn't tell you after you pointed me out to him," Hinode cleared her throat. "The second owner and I made a deal; I have his confidentiality regarding my presence here, and as long as I don't make a workshop I can consider Fuyuki City as a sanctuary from other magi. If I didn't, do you think I would even stay here?"

Zouken stared in contemplation at Hinode for a moment, fiddling with his cane slightly. He analysed the structure in front of him. It didn't possess the expected features of a workshop, as he has already ascertained. Not even a bounded field. But if what the woman said was true, then that only made sense.

Hinode raised her chin to leer at him. "Do you think I'm bluffing?"

"Hmm, I suppose not," Zouken concluded, allowing the humming from the surroundings to come to an end as his familiar calmed. "You most likely do, in fact, have some sort of arrangement with Tokiomi. He would have simply evicted you already by now were that not the case."

The mechanical whirring from within Hinode's home also ended. The woman rubbed her temples again. "Then I don't believe I have any reason to put up—"

"Yet," the elder's interjection was harsh, "I haven't received any sort of communication from him that declared you off-limits."

Hinode scoffed. "Maybe it got lost in the mail?"

"Keh. How confident," Zouken said. "Tell me, this agreement you made… Tokiomi stated that he would offer you sanctuary from your old clan and other foreign magi, and that you shouldn't expect him to bother you either?"

"That was pretty much exactly what he said," Hinode confirmed.

"I thought so," Zouken nodded in understanding. "That is the standard for this kind of situation, after all. He must have put a heavy price on that."

"I didn't mind paying," Hinode said with a shrug.

Zouken gently rolled each of his shoulders before adjusting his grip on his cane and eyeing her. "And did he even mention magi already living in Fuyuki?"

The night air was silent for a few moments.

Hinode unfolded her arms and put her hands together behind her back. A varied collection of half expressions danced on her face, and she eventually settled on wary curiosity. When her earlier confidence was all but gone, she asked, "Wh-Where do you live, exactly?"

Zouken grinned. "On the same residential block as Tokiomi, actually."

Another silence fell over them as Hinode took in the information. She soon cut into it with a sharp inhalation through her nose and an outcry of, "Aauugh! That bastard tricked me! Why did he have to—?!" She struck the doorframe once in anger. "Fuck this bullshit!"

"Kehehe! Perhaps this is his way of punishing you for staying in his territory without permission in the first place," Zouken said with a sneer.

"He told me you lot lived just outside town!" the woman complained.

"Oh? I wonder how he wove that little lie into your conversation. He likely expected that I would confront you at some point, too," Zouken hummed thoughtfully. "Hmm. Interesting. I didn't think him to be that sly."

Hinode covered her face with one hand and muttered something inaudible under her breath.

Zouken glared at her impatiently. "I'd like to know how I'll be proceeding with this matter, woman."

"Oh, for— I just wanted to get out of all my old family's shit, and now I'm stuck with different and probably worse shit," she grumbled, refusing to look at the elder.

Zouken merely cocked his head slightly.

"F-Fine! You aren't really giving me much of a choice, so I'll have the fucking baby!" the defeated woman almost screamed. "You should be ready to deal with the consequences, though!"

"Hmph. I'm glad you see it my way, but you aren't in any place to be making demands of me," Zouken said with a frown.

"I only meant that there are some stupid issues I may need to outline," Hinode explained.

"Ah. In that case, we can discuss those later."

"And that Byakuya idiot better treat me like a fucking goddess!"

"Byakuya's decisions are his own." Zouken denied any part in that line of dialogue. "I expect you to be moved in within a week. You'll have no trouble finding where you'll be living from now on, yes?"

"My workplace probably has—" she ran a hand through her hair as she gasped. "Oh… it was written down right there the whole time wasn't it?"

Zouken groaned. He had what he wanted and was done with this conversation. "Goodnight," he said as he turned to descend the porch stairs.

"Yeah. Night," The woman responded as she quietly shut the door in front of her. The sounds of all of her locks turning back into place followed.

As Zouken walked down the front path, he heard a wail of frustration and repetitive thuds from the structure behind him. She was an emotionally expressive woman, that was certain. She might be slightly problematic in the future, perhaps even as vexing as…

Zouken shook his head.

No one could be as intolerable as that woman.

He would only need to put up with her for the next nine months or so. However long it took. Whatever happened after that was dependent on whether or not she proved worth keeping around. He wouldn't make the same mistake as before and make the decision too soon. Although, it would all be determined by the quality of the child in the end.

After glancing around the immediate area, Zouken vanished into the darkness as a light breeze passed, letting the wind dissipate the resulting stench.

---

A/N

Hi! Been a while. This chapter is big. Very big. Almost 20,000 words. I am sorry. Very sorry. I did not plan this. It kinda just… happened to end up this way and I don't know how to fix it. Or if the next chapter will be this long.

Wanna keep the Author's Note short though. Here we go!

Questions:

One: Russian. Did I butcher it?

Two: Does anyone know exactly what that dome structure at the back of the Matou Household is? My best guess is "Greenhouse", but if anyone is ABSOLUTELY SURE of what it is, please let me know, and provide reasoning/source if possible. (Turns out it actually IS a greenhouse! Shirou goes into it to talk to Zouken in the Heaven's Feel movies.)

Three: I thought I'd put in some character descriptions for Hinode and Imai. I hope it's digestible. Is it digestible?

Four: LOL remember when I said Hinode isn't that important? I got you pretty good, didn't I?

Five: Illya being schizophrenic makes sense to me somehow.

Five: Did you have a good easter?

That's all the questions.

Ironing out this story's style is done. I've set the mould that I should have BEFORE starting to write Shinji's Paradox. Quality writing ahead. Choo-Choo.

On that note, before I even START Chapter Eleven, I gonna just go back and do a big punctuation/tense/terminology check on Chapters One through Nine. Should not take long. I'm not changing any scenes or anything, just want newer readers to have a more comfortable experience, and that the rust I shook off writing those chapters hasn't gotten stuck to the paragraphs.

Actually, ONE scene alteration I should do: Remember the scene where Byakuya interrogates Hinode? THAT WAS THE PLACEHOLDER FROM THE FIRST DRAFT. I FORGOT TO REWRITE IT TO SUIT HINODE'S ACTUAL CHARACTER. NOTICED WHILE DOING HER SCENES HERE. KILL ME.

I hope it's not illegal to do that. :)

Review responses:

TodayParade:

Stress relief is exactly what I need right now.

Lmc9389:

Is it OM-inous or OH-minous?

GhostK:

Thanks for letting me know what you thought of the time skips. I had to jump a lot of months to get Shinji old enough to actually do things on his own, and I was worried that I'd made a mistake in my haste.

Other stories aren't coming along very well. And until they're more defined, Shinji's Paradox takes priority. You stay safe, too.

Sakii:

I'm glad you like my presentation of Shinji.

And Zouken will not maim a child… yet.

Xian0451:

When did I ever say I hate OC's? I don't. Hinode is an OC. So is Imai.

One of my favourite stories on FFN has a self insert OC. It's called "FateStay Night: Umbra Bello" by LifeByTheCreed. It's set in the abridged version of Unlimited Blade Works by Project Mouthwash, and it's hilarious. Go check it out.

Story Idea:

Eh? Shinji x Rider? Do I seem like I write fluffy romance? I already killed my main character in Chapter One!

I appreciate that you think I'm talented enough for you to tell me your idea, though. :D

… I might do some fluffy romance later. I like warm fuzzies. Don't tell anyone.

BlueCore:

Ta-daaaa~!

Slavicadonis:

Oh, I'm not stopping. Don't worry.

Granny gertrude:

Shinji and Illya barely have any shared scenes in canon, so I think I fill a very specific niche with my choice of characters. I'm glad you like it.

That's all the reviews!

I'm tuckered out. Hopefully, the next chapter won't be so… this.

Whew…

Peace!

- GEOD

Edit 1: Prose/Grammar/Tense check. I made a LOT of errors, but I'm not surprised; it's a big chapter.

Edit 2: Post Chapter Twelve Grammar Update. This chapter is so big that I am almost certain that I missed something. If anyone spots any present tense words outside of any of the direct speech I would greatly appreciate it.

Edit 3: Grammar check. Found some errors. Might still be more. Keep an eye out, yeah?

Edit 4: Jan 2023 update. I discovered some new Nasuverse lore regarding eastern magecraft that was released back in August, and I've updated anything related to it here to reflect that. I also updated some scenes to suit a map of the Matou manor that I drew recently.