Shinji's Paradox
Chapter 11:
Tenacity
September 27th, 1989, 8:18 AM, Shinji's Bedroom.
I woke with a faint bloody flavour in my mouth.
A gentle search of my oral cavity with my tongue revealed that my gums were sore, and the back of my upper lip had started bleeding— likely torn against my teeth in my sleep. I wasn't surprised that the considerably large amount of ginseng I'd been eating had side effects like this. Random bouts of haemophilia weren't the worst I had expected to happen, but I wasn't very worried about it. Overdosing too severely on the roots would be difficult.
"Gah!" the gasp came out a little too readily as I tried and failed to sit up. I grimaced as an ache shot through my body. I had disturbed the crest worms with my sudden effort, and, as punishment, they demanded magical energy again. Cursing, I started converting od and immediately felt how drained I was. Not as bad as I had been two nights ago, but still dangerously low.
The sun was coming in through the curtains a little, so I guessed that it was morning. It had probably been a little over thirty hours since I collapsed in the hallway. The metal flavour in my mouth only brought me back to the memory that I'd gained in that hour of bare lucidity.
Byakuya had cradled me in his arms; his face painted with indisputable terror as he fed me his emergency stores of blood and pleaded to no one in particular that I'd make it through the night.
I wouldn't be forgetting that anytime soon.
… Nor would I forget what that bitch had tried to pull.
I'd spent every waking second of yesterday summoning the energy to answer Byakuya's questions and cooperate with his efforts to keep me stable. I had some time to myself now, and I wanted answers.
'Einzbern!' I called out telepathically. 'Where the fuck are you?!'
A few seconds passed, and the ghost hadn't bothered to reveal herself.
'Don't think you can hide from me! I know you can hear this! Get your albino ass in here and explain yourself!'
Another moment later, and still, nothing even resembling her showed up.
'Fine! See if I fucking care!'
If she didn't want anything to do with me, then I didn't want anything to do with her!
Speaking to me was basically everything she had, too! Whenever she finally decided to come back, I wasn't going to even listen to anything she said. She'd get the message, I'd make her prostrate before me and beg for forgiveness, and then I'd chastise that fucking homunculus demon-child until she cried like the little girl she had so much fun pretending to be!
… I realised that I was hyperventilating in my rage and took a moment to reign myself in. The erratic breathing was hurting me, and I groaned in pain when my head finally cleared.
Then the door opened, and Byakuya entered. His worried eyes were on me immediately, and I couldn't help but see the visage of panic he'd worn before flash in my mind.
"Are you okay, Shinji?" he asked.
"Yes," I said with a slight nod. "But I'll probably need some mana soon."
He knelt at my bedside and helped me sit up. I flinched as a sore spot in my stomach flared up, but with Byakuya there, I managed to straighten myself, and he propped up my pillow behind me so I could lean against the bedhead.
"Drink this," Byakuya said.
I looked at it for a moment before my mind registered what he'd just given me.
Instead of a root of ginseng, he'd passed me a vial of blood.
I thought that he probably noticed the bleeding and decided that I might be having too much of the root. I also recalled that he'd used all of his emergency stock just to keep me alive two nights ago.
"… How many of these are left?" I asked.
"Don't worry about that, Shinji. You're more important."
He bought more. Even the cheapest of these were…
I stared at the vial for a moment before I opened it and drank all of the blood in one go. I couldn't be frugal about this, and Byakuya must have been of a similar mind.
"I've brought some painkillers for the aches," Byakuya said, placing them on the bedside. "I'll fetch some water. And I want to take your temperature, too."
"My temperature? Why?"
"With so little od, you're vulnerable to infections and the like. Unless we're careful, even a cold could…" Byakuya trailed off, and some discomfort spread over his face.
"Yeah, let's be careful," I said.
"I'll get that water."
"Okay."
Byakuya looked over my frail form for a few seconds and nodded to himself before leaving the room.
He looked tired. The man had been avoiding sleep to keep an eye on me, even though he could have taken the time to rest while I was asleep. And despite how I feel about Imai, he could have had her look after me. Instead, he had told her to take a few days off work, knowing that her presence bothered me.
Take care of yourself too, idiot.
While I waited for Byakuya, I focussed on managing the magical energy flowing from my nerves to my circuits. I felt the worms squirming throughout my body, each of them guzzling all the energy I could funnel to them. I didn't even know if I would still have my nerves available to convert od by the time I figure out how to deal with them.
I felt something dark welling up, but I couldn't focus on that. I needed a distraction… and Einzbern still hadn't responded to me.
'Hey, can you hear me?' I called out.
No response came.
'Where are you, Einzbern-san?'
Silence.
'… Hello?'
I was alone in my bedroom. My only real companions were the worms sucking on my circuits.
It couldn't be that Einzbern had left, though. The last time she strayed too far away from me, she'd been terrified. She once said that we had a tether of some kind at some point, and I'd assumed that when— or if— it grew taut, she was notified somehow. I didn't really understand our connection, but she'd spoken of it as though she were dependent on it to exist. I didn't know if it required maintenance or if it ate through my od like the worms did, either.
… My od practically dropped to zero that night.
Oh no.
If she relied on that to maintain her existence, then it meant that she might simply be gone. I didn't know if that tether was still here or not. Or even how to check for it. Our link could have been similar to a familiar's connection, so it might be possible to forcefully contact Einzbern somehow, but I didn't know how to do anything like that. I hadn't done any practice with familiars yet.
If she was somewhere nearby and could hear me, then she may just be moping again. It was also possible that she was trying to scare me intentionally, but it wasn't like when she had played coy; when I'd seen her poking her head around corners and through walls to peek at me. She might be gone for good this time.
That would mean that I was alone.
I took a deep breath and let some of my magical energy flow away from the worms, reaching the far ends of my circuits where I rarely sent it. My anxiety eased as the shuddering stopped. The calming technique Einzbern had taught me still worked really well, but her absence was disturbing me more than I expected it to.
… My bedroom felt a bit cold.
I took another deep breath. 'Hey, you can stay where you are. It's fine. I'll see you tomorrow… or whenever you feel like talking. Okay…?'
Once again, no response came, and I hoped that she would pass through a wall with a petulant scowl on her face and avoid eye contact until I apologised for screaming at her. There wasn't anything else I could do except try to talk to her occasionally, on the possibility she could hear me.
… Wherever she was.
September 29th, 1989, 2:35 PM, Matou Residence Greenhouse.
Botany of any sort hadn't really interested me during my first childhood. I had been a little more captivated by the secrets held in the upstairs library. So I'd never really ventured into the greenhouse on our property until Sakura pulled me in there a few years after the Holy Grail War. Everything had been dead in there, showing the telltale signs of what had been the aftermath of Zouken's disappearance.
Bursting with enthusiasm, she'd asked me to help her attempt to salvage whatever remained of the stagnant plots. At that point, it was rare for her to show interest in something, and I'd been trying to help her break free of the unimaginably dense shell she'd worn for most of her life. I didn't know what had sparked Sakura's motivation, but the greenhouse had been left to ruin for almost a decade, and the allotments seemed unable to support life anymore.
We'd cleared out the remains of the dead plants, and because there'd been a few crest worm carapaces in it, replaced every speck of the tainted earth with fresh soil. We bought seedlings and fertilisers and even sought advice from hired gardeners. But after a few months of trying to resurrect the place with no results, Sakura finally decided to give up on the project, trying to justify the failure by saying that Zouken probably left it all sterile intentionally.
… She wept that night.
Those were the memories that came to me as Byakuya led me by the hand, showing me the place as it was before Zouken contaminated it.
It was as if I'd stepped into a completely different greenhouse.
The plants along the furthest edges of the structure were shorter trees that grew in rows. Most of them bore flowers, but some had the beginnings of fruit on their branches. Further in was a great variety of larger trees. Some of them were tall and straight, and some of them were short and wild. A few were mangled and untameable giants that had grown their branches into an overhanging canopy, obscuring the sky above the glass dome.
Closer to the centre, another ring of allotments was filled with an impressive array of flowering herbs and common garden vegetables. Some grew on trellises, others closer to the ground, and most of them bore small flowers or young unripened fruit. Finally, in the heart of the open space, upon patterned brick pavers were raised garden beds and benches with potted plants and boxes that likely held gardening tools.
It was slightly overgrown and weedy, but Sakura would have loved it in here.
It had come as a mild surprise when Byakuya told me the greenhouse was his workshop. The mana within the structure was slightly denser than elsewhere, and he had brought me here hoping that being in this environment would alleviate some of the stress the crest worms put me in.
"These are the ginseng plots," Byakuya said, gesturing to the three neighbouring allotments we had stopped by. "This one is for the roots I harvest after five years. The next one is for seven, and then that one; ten. The older plants have larger roots that can hold more mana in them."
The brick pathways around these allotments were the most blackened by loose dirt and bootprints, confirming that he spent much more time here than at any of the other patches. A net was held above the three allotments by wooden poles that gave the planting area perpetual shade, and there was a layer of leaves on the soil. There were also tags along the wooden planks that made up the allotments' frames with planting and harvest dates scratched into them.
One of those tags caught my eye. "… That's today's date."
"Oh? Isn't that convenient!" Byakuya said, painfully jovial. "Would you like to help me out, Shinji?"
I glared at him. "You think you're being clever or something?"
"Yes," he said with a self-assured nod. "And I'm not joking. I wanted to and bring you into the greenhouse for your health and teach you how to plant these at some point. You'll need these in the future and the harvest date just happened to be today, so… two birds."
"… Is the mana in here really going to help out?"
"You've never been anywhere besides home and the nursery school, so I don't think you'd understand completely, but places rich in nature tend to have mana gather in them, and since that ambient mana is absorbed by living things, it makes people feel good— or bad, depending on their mentality. Forests, gardens, nature reserves… greenhouses. Especially if they're well maintained," he made a gesture to the less tamed allotments. "Not that I've been doing that for anything but the ginseng plots, though."
"It doesn't look that bad. How long did you leave it for?"
"Three years. I had to focus on you."
I hummed in understanding.
"I did clean it up a little recently," Byakuya continued. "Luckily, none of it became diseased, so I pruned most of the plants and dealt with all the rotten fruit by the smaller trees. I still have to finish weeding, though. It used to look much better."
I caught myself staring at the immense plants surrounding us. They were likely ancient trees that were moved into the greenhouse from the wild. "How old is this place?"
"Your grandparents built it, so it's pretty old. They brought some of the bigger trees here from elsewhere. They planted that cherry tree in the outside garden at the same time, too. When they, uh… disappeared, I took over."
The mention of my grandparents caught me off guard. Zouken had always filled that role, but he was my grandfather in name only, and there was no way Byakuya was that thing's son. Until now, I hadn't seen much evidence of my grandparent's existence other than their handwritten notes in the library's many journals.
They "disappeared", huh? I thought.
"I grew just about everything else in here with… someone," Byakuya continued, directing a puzzled stare at some of the fruit trees. "… I don't remember who it was."
The throbbing that had haunted me the entire paradox decided now would be an appropriate time to make itself known again. "A friend?" I asked.
Byakuya's eyes scanned over the scenery within the glass dome, eventually ending on me. His expression softened before he said, "I'd like to think so."
I did my best to bury the bothersome pulse back into the depths of my mind.
"I'm going to go get some gloves and gardening tools," Byakuya said with an eager tone.
I was grateful for the change in topic and nodded to him before he left to fetch what he needed from the benches in the centre of the greenhouse. While I waited, I used the time to observe the plants next to me.
The most distinct feature of ginseng was the bright red berries that grew at the very top, clustered together in rounded formations with the occasional stray growing lower down the stalk. The ones that still had flowers bore small white blooms. The stalks were nothing special, boasting no thorns, hairs, spots, or the like. The leaves were broad and flat, growing in groups of five off of each stem. They were incredibly uniform like most plants of the same species, but minor differences between each plant were rare.
There wasn't any pest damage or yellowing on them either so it seemed Byakuya was a talented gardener. I could also sense the roots beneath each plant as terrifically dense clumps of mana. There was as much in each one as a person had in their entire body. And that was just the ones in the five-year allotment. The roots in the seven-year plot had even more.
The ten-year-old plants were so thick with mana that it was ridiculous.
Byakuya returned carrying a box in both arms, which he put down near the allotment before he handed me a small pair of gloves and said, "If you want to try, put these on."
I took the gloves from him, and he began taking some containers out of the box. I couldn't see inside them, but it sounded like some were full of seeds, and the rest were empty. They all had several labels on them, dictating some kind of organisation system Byakuya used.
"Okay," he said with a nod. "Let's get started."
With a trowel in hand— made of plastic, I noticed— Byakuya started to gently clear dirt away from the first plant, revealing the brown root. He pulled the plant free of the soil before taking a closer look at it, even using a plastic ruler to measure it. He then reached for one of the empty containers and removed the berries from the plant with a pair of secateurs, letting them fall into the container.
"I organise the berries by the size of the root the plant they came from had," Byakuya explained. "If they're larger than the last crops average, then I use seeds from those plants in the future."
"I see. You've created your own cultivar," I recognised. "What about the other seeds?"
"I just sell them."
"… Other magi buy the seeds?"
"No, not magi; just plain old gardeners. The plant is fairly popular so it's actually not bad money," Byakuya said, cutting the root off the plant and placing it in a different container. He tossed the rest of the plant to the pavers behind him. "And I repeat that process until this particular row is cleared. I clean up the stalks and leaves later. Any questions?"
"… Looks simple enough," I said, slipping the gloves on.
"Are you sure you feel up to this? What are the worms doing?" Byakuya asked as he held the plastic trowel out towards me.
"Don't worry, I won't overexert myself. And the worms are calm… oddly enough," I said, accepting the tool from him. "If anything happens I'll let you know."
Byakuya watched me quietly as I knelt beside the allotment and started to dig carefully around a plant with the trowel and my hands. Eventually, I freed the plant from the ground, and little pieces of soil dropped off the tangled root as I slowly pulled it free. The process was kind of therapeutic, and uprooting the plant gave me a trivial sensation of triumph.
"This one's a bit small," Byakuya said as I handed it to him.
I moved over to the next plant and started digging that one out too, and by the time I'd lifted it from the ground, Byakuya had already measured and sorted the previous root and berries.
"You want to keep digging while I do the sorting?" He said with a smirk.
"Sure," I said.
I continued to pull plants out of the allotment one by one and passed them to Byakuya to collect and sort the roots and berries. After ten minutes of digging, I felt some strain on my limbs from all the movement. There weren't many more plants to dig up, and they would probably come out of the ground as smoothly as the others had, so I allowed myself to struggle through the work.
Without the worms chewing through my od right now— for whatever reason— I could feel my life force slowly recovering much faster than I thought it would. I could only think Byakuya was right, and the mana density in the greenhouse made it easier for my circuits to draw it in.
Maybe I should spend more time here?
'Eeeh… eeesss…'
At the unfamiliar sound, I glanced around the greenhouse.
'Eeaah…' the sound came again.
"Hey," I said, catching Byakuya's attention. "Did you hear that noise?"
Byakuya looked up from his sorting. "No, I didn't hear anything."
Another look around revealed that no one other than Byakuya and I were in the greenhouse, and I thought the ghost might be trying to contact me. 'Is that you, Einzbern?' I asked hopefully.
'Nngh… Nnghein.'
I stood up in alarm.
That wasn't Einzbern's voice.
"Shinji?" Byakuya said, putting down the secateurs. "Are you okay?"
I stepped out of the dirt and sat on the border of the allotment. "I-I think one of the worms is trying to talk to me."
'Wuh… wuh… where? Where… us?' the worm asked.
"Okay then," Byakuya said, walking over to me and kneeling to meet me at eye level. "Shinji you need to talk to them."
"Huh…? Wait…" I muttered. "You mean, telepathically, or…?"
"No, just speak out loud," he clarified.
"A-Are you sure?"
Byakuya nodded. "Whenever mine try to speak to me I talk to them under my breath."
'Where… us?' it asked the same question again.
I thought the question over. "We, uh… we're in the greenhouse."
'Gree… hau… seh. Muh… mu-uh. Mog…'
The worm didn't seem to have a proper grasp on its words. I looked to Byakuya, who watched me patiently.
"It's, um… not very good at talking," I said.
"Don't hurry it. Let it figure out what it wants to say on its own," Byakuya advised calmly.
'Muh… moh…' the worm continued to stumble over its words. 'Moa… more… more.'
"More greenhouse?" I asked.
'Eh… yes.'
"It wants me to stay in the greenhouse… I think," I conveyed to Byakuya.
"Well you can stay as long as you like," he said with a smile.
'Nn… naa…?' the worm continued. 'Nn… name?'
"… I'm Shinji."
'Shi… nn… no… uhh… us… us… names.'
I frowned. "I… don't know what your names are."
At that, one of the worms shifted around slightly. And it eventually settled into a position it was comfortable with.
"I… think they're done?" I said.
"You feeling okay?" Byakuya asked, looking me over. "You're sweating."
"… I'm feeling a little worn out," I admitted.
He nodded. "I figured as much, why don't you take a break and let me handle the rest? After I've planted the next lot of seeds I can show you the magecraft I use to accelerate the mana absorption."
As he spoke, I felt one of the worms wriggle its way to a familiar position. "Yeah, I think that's a good idea. The worms might start eating again soon."
Byakuya let out a painful sigh as he stood up and produced a piece of ginseng from his pocket. "I came prepared. Eat that if you feel like you're running low."
I took the piece from him. "Thanks…"
"Any ideas for their names?"
I blinked. "Wait, I have to name them myself?"
Byakuya raised an eyebrow and smirked. "They're your pets, aren't they?"
"That was a joke!" I said incredulously.
"That aside, not long after my own worms started talking, I had to name them because they were oddly insistent about it. I don't know why they are like that, but yours are the same, it seems," Byakuya smiled. "Mine are Musashi and Kojiro."
My incredulous state simply intensified at that. "… Were you hoping one would kill the other or something?"
Byakuya huffed in surprise. "I… didn't think you knew your Japanese legends."
"I, um… heard about it at school, I think," I attempted to deflect the topic quickly.
Fortunately, Byakuya shook his head to dismiss the matter. "Anyway, about your worms. Are… have you…" he trailed off for a moment and bit his lip before he eventually asked, "have you thought of a solution?"
I let my head fall slightly. "You mean something I can do before…?"
"Before, um… June. I've been trying to find someway I could help you. I've been going over some ideas for other plants that might have less side effects than ginseng does. I even thought that maybe I could simply grow everything that you eat in here and do the same mana absorption treatment for everything that goes into your food."
"That's… that sounds like it might work," I said.
"Well, it's not working," he said, some annoyance evident in his tone. "I can't produce similar effects in other plants, and even if I could, they probably wouldn't even have close to the same capacity as ginseng. Not enough plants have metaphysical features like it either. I already knew that ginger was weirdly close but I've never been able to apply the magecraft to it properly. Potatoes and other tubers maybe. Carrots and turnips are completely worthless—"
He was starting to rant, and I could see the cracks of stress forming on his face.
I listened to him complain about his efforts with the vegetables, but I began to tune it out at some point and just nodded as he gestured to various things around the greenhouse. None of the plants in here had escaped his dissatisfaction, as he had something to say about nearly every single one of the vegetables and even a few of the large trees. After his initial anxiety seemed to have broken, I thought complaining like this might be his natural outlet for frustration.
It was better than his alcohol dependence from the old causality, at least, but I could sort of understand how it ended up like that. There hadn't been anyone for him to vent to about Zouken and his awful place in the Matou hierarchy, except maybe Mother at one point. The secret of magecraft and magus families had probably forced him to literally bottle up all of his issues… in more ways than one. Although, it didn't seem that he really cared about those things anymore.
I never thought the day would come when I would hear my father list the spiritual failings of Brussels sprouts like they were crimes.
A muffled chuckle broke through my demeanour.
"Dad," I said, startling him and cutting his tirade short. "I've been putting together a recipe for a potion that uses the ginseng roots. It's meant to collect all of the mana from the roots into a single dose."
He stared blankly in some kind of daze.
"I have the basic idea down but I think it could use some refining," I continued. "Do you think you could help me out?"
His mouth opened and closed like he was trying to say something.
I reached out and prodded his knee. "Dad?"
"Uh… sorry," he said, seemingly pulling himself together as he took a deep breath. "I shouldn't have gone on like that."
"It's okay," I said. "It looked like you needed it."
He sighed and rubbed his neck. "So you wanted to show me this potion idea of yours?"
September 30th, 1989, 10:13 AM, Matou Residence.
Byakuya said he would handle the ginseng replanting later, so we left the greenhouse as it was and went to the library where I kept the schematics for the mana potion. He'd looked over the plans once before he went into the bookshelves and, after a few minutes, returned with a small stack of tomes that he used as a reference to check the work I'd done. Naturally, they were all books from the shelves I hadn't been able to reach.
He'd asked me to let him fiddle with the design, and the following morning, he'd showed me an almost overwhelming amount of additional specifications that added to my original plans. In hindsight, I should have known that the man who prepared the ginseng roots we both used had at least some experience with herbal alchemy.
I didn't even know some of the herbs he'd suggested using even existed.
We spent the first hours of the morning collecting the ingredients we needed from the greenhouse and the local shopping district, and we were now arranging the alchemic apparatus in one of the mansion's unused rooms.
A piece of canvas was spread over a benchtop, adorned with a circle of green ink I'd drawn on it, copying the design from my notebook. In the centre, I placed a beaker containing the mixture we had prepared. Just shy of being fully submerged in it were three whole ginseng roots of about five inches each, rich with mana absorbed from the greenhouse soil.
It wasn't a complex apparatus as far as alchemy was concerned, and the process was just as simple; chant an aria and provide magical energy to the circle while pouring one substance into another.
"Everything good?" Byakuya asked.
"Um, yeah…? Yeah," I said, looking over my work. "The circle is good, I think. Go ahead and chant. The roots should be completely absorbed once you're done."
Byakuya looked over the arrangement, and with a satisfied nod, he took a small pourer filled with vinegar in his right hand to the apparatus we'd put together. I sensed the magical energy growing denser in two places within him. The crest worms in his body were fulfilling their purpose as fake circuits. I could tell at a glance that those two worms were more effective than the entirety of his own natural network.
"Zhertva vnutri," he began to chant.
The substance in the beaker took on a faint blue luminescence, and the circle beneath it also lit up with a similar glow.
"Zhevat…"
Byakuya poured the vinegar into the mixture, and the ginseng root shifted slightly as the magically activated substance reacted to the acidic liquid.
"Pozhirat…" he said with a tremble, but he held his focus.
The root was beginning to rapidly dissolve into the mixture, and I could sense the mana activity spreading out from the beaker into the surrounding air.
… That wasn't supposed to happen.
"Pogloshchat."
Byakuya stopped pouring vinegar as soon as he finished the chant. The substance had, theoretically, absorbed the ginseng roots. The brown liquid still had the faint blue glow within it, but it was steadily dimming.
"It… didn't work," I said worriedly.
"Mmm," Byakuya hummed in agreement. "Most of the mana leaked out, there's barely anything in the mixture… and even that isn't staying in."
I flipped through the notebook I'd written the recipe in to try and puzzle out why.
The mixture the roots had been absorbed into was a herb tea made with distilled water, guarana, sage, and peppermint. It was the base of the potion that the inscribed circle directed the other substances to bond to. Before the tea was steeped, all the herbs were treated with a similar mana enrichment process as the ginseng. Their potency was increased and countered the overdosage effects of the roots, but that shouldn't have caused this.
Honey was included in the whole thing to prevent the resulting mix from acting chaotically and spewing its contents around in the first place. This particular honey was made by bees exposed primarily to rosemary pollen before it was infused with rosemary leaves in the same jar it was sold in. It was the perfect stabiliser— this shouldn't have happened.
The white vinegar was essential. Sure, it was acidic, but that was the point; it was the solvent and the catalyst. There was no reason it would cause the mana in the ginseng to be expelled from the mixture either.
… Was the circle flawed?
I flipped back through the notebook to compare the circle within it to the one on the benchtop. When Byakuya realised what I was doing, he lifted the beaker out of the way.
The symbols were correct, no lines were broken, and the simple text written in it was neat and accurate. The circle was drawn perfectly.
I look up to Byakuya to ask him for insights. "Is there— hey!"
He pulled the half-drained beaker away from his lips. "Well, I wasn't going to let you test it," he said.
I shook my head. "… So how was it?"
"It tastes like switchel," he said, staring curiously into the dull substance in the beaker.
"It tastes like… what?"
"A silly American drink," he waved the question away and raised the beaker. "Anyway, this is completely inert now."
I eyed the substance in Byakuya's hand suspiciously before flipping back to the recipe page and going over the ingredients once more. "We… should try it again. Maybe it was—"
"It's okay, Shinji."
I looked up and met his gaze.
"I know your tired of putting up with the worms. I'm worried about it too, but I wasn't expecting this to work on our first attempt," Byakuya said. "Do you know how many plants I experimented on before ginseng?"
"… How many?"
He smiled. "Three. In order, it was coffee, ginger, and… ashwaganda? I think that's what it was called."
I huffed and said, "That's not exactly an impressive tale of perseverance."
"No, it's not, but that wasn't my point. I got pretty upset when the coffee beans didn't give me the results I wanted. I was a novice then, and I was so convinced that my original theory was right that I wasted eight months trying to force it to work before I even considered I needed something else."
I frowned at him.
"I just didn't want you to repeat my mistake," he finished. "Especially with what's on the line…"
I couldn't keep eye contact with him. "I'm okay. And… I get it. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up," I said.
His doting stare took on a shadow of worry until it was replaced by an odd and almost devious glint. "You know, as soon as I discovered how effective ginseng was, and started experimenting with it, my crest worms started doing the strangest thing."
My eyebrow went up.
"They started to sing to each other."
My other eyebrow went up.
"Yeah. I tossed a few of the roots into the worm pit to show Zouken when I figured out the ginseng caused it. The look on his face when the entire pit started to harmonise was…" Byakuya laughed softly. "I think that's the only time I ever got away with laughing in front of him."
"… What did he do after that?"
"Well, naturally, he bred it out of them and asked me to never, ever, bring it up again," he drew a long breath through his nose. "Don't tell him I told you about it, okay?"
I nodded. "Gotcha."
I returned my attention to the notebook in my hands and perused the scribbled jottings I'd been pencilling into it with Byakuya's advice in mind.
The more I re-read my own handwriting, the idea that I may be too attached to this particular recipe only seemed to make more sense. Every other herb or material I'd listed in the pages was connected to small notes in the margin that mentioned that they were somehow suboptimal to others or referenced one I'd used in this attempt as superior in some way.
The circle could have some inherent issues, and including one in the process made this potion far more complicated than the elixirs that I used to make. I should spare some time to review it.
I considered that perhaps I could ask for help with that.
'Hey, Einzbern-san. About this circle…'
I waited for a moment.
But when no response came, I closed the notebook.
'… Let me know if you feel like criticising my work. Okay?'
It had been a little over half a week, and I hadn't seen or heard a trace of her.
I killed her again, didn't I?
The image of her corpse— blinded, impaled, and torn open— flickered into my mind. For some reason… the memory of stepping over her body had never faded, even years after the war.
I tried to drive the dark thought away with more positive ideas.
She'd show up at some point.
She was probably just avoiding me again, far more upset with me than she was the first time. She'd float over with a frown or a pout just to make sure I understood that she was upset with me. She wouldn't say anything and would glare at me for a bit before leaving. Maybe with a dismissive huff.
Then she'd pick up where she left off last time and stare at me until she got bored or lonely. When it got too much for her, she'd get close or call out to me—
"Shinji?"
I jumped out of my stupor and looked up to see Byakuya watching me worriedly.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just…" I said, absentmindedly fondling the notebook. "I think maybe… I should start from scratch."
He cocked his head. "… I know I implied that you should try different recipes, but I didn't say that you should go that far back. It's probably okay to just switch out ingredients to see if they have different reactions."
"Okay…" I said, starting to glare at the leftover mixture in the beaker. "Which one, though?"
"It could be as simple as one of the herbs…" he stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe the guarana? It's the only berry in the mix. That could be causing some kind of adverse effect?"
"… It is the only berry," I said, staring at the notebook again. "Can we pick this up again tomorrow? I might need to sleep on this."
Byakuya smirked. "You're taking that thing to bed with you?"
I sighed. "Not literally…"
October 2nd, 1989, 10:21 AM, Matou Residence.
She wasn't in my bedroom, naturally.
Or the library, Byakuya's room, the kitchen, the dining rooms— I even checked the godforsaken worm pit.
But I couldn't find Einzbern.
Since I'd become stable enough to wander the house without Byakuya watching over every step I took, I finally got around to looking for the ghost. It had occurred to me that she could have simply withdrawn into her meditative state somewhere in the house after our argument and remained there by choice, so I'd been combing the rooms, wardrobes, and cupboards to see if I couldn't find her sleeping in one of them.
'Shaaaa…'
And as if that wasn't enough to keep me busy, the worms had decided to continue talking to me.
'Sha… Shom.'
I waited patiently for the thing to figure out what it was trying to say.
'Sha… Somewhere.'
"Somewhere?" I asked.
'Guh…'
Again, I waited.
'Guh… Girl.'
… Okaaay?
The worms' voices didn't come to me as sound, so Byakuya and Zouken wouldn't be able to hear them. The only actual noise the worms could make was a petty whine or squeak, so they communicated to me telepathically. And as unnerving as the development was, it was also tolerable.
The other thing I noticed was that they would always stop eating when they spoke. It hadn't taken me long to figure out that if I drew out the dialogue, I could take short breaks from feeding them every so often. Despite this, they still guzzled as much of my od as they could. So I was still taking ginseng during and between meals.
I was slightly curious why I'd never heard Sakura mention the worms speaking to her or asking for names and the like. Maybe there was some reason they didn't, or perhaps she shut them out of her mind somehow. It made more sense that Zouken had bred the trait out beforehand, though. Of course, I couldn't just ask about it. The elder wouldn't have done it yet.
I came to the end of the final hallway in my search for the ghost. The four vacant rooms just beyond my own bedroom had barely any furniture or redeeming features to them. Except for one of them. After conducting a quick sweep of the other three, I stood in front of the final door, eyeing the handle, and some regret sparked within me.
The door slowly swung open, and I walked into what could potentially become Sakura's bedroom.
Not a trace of her was in here. The wardrobe was empty. There were no books, and those pink curtains hadn't ever been hung here. No desk or low table. Not even that… odd picture she'd kept in here. She really never had much in the old causality, even after Zouken vanished.
I spent a few more moments scanning the room. Right now, it was just a guestroom, unused and lacking in any character at all. Maybe there was something important in here at some point in the old causality, but it wouldn't be here now.
The only piece of furniture that was the same was the bed. Sakura's bed, before she'd ever used it.
This was where…
…
… It was clean and well-made like it always had been. Even when Sakura lived here, this room had always been well-kept. Not because she was habitually tidy, which she was, but because she rarely used this room after we'd started—
I slapped my hands onto my cheeks.
What are you thinking, dumbass? I berated myself.
That didn't matter anymore. I didn't need to think about it right now. I wasn't looking for Sakura, nor would I find her here.
Of course, Einzbern wasn't here either, so my search had come up empty.
'Come on, Einzbern. Where are you?' I sent to her telepathically before listening closely for some kind of reply. But the only sound that came was of some kind of commotion outside; the deep humming of a truck's engine, and voices…
I walked over to the window and peered outside.
… What the hell is Hinode doing here?
October 2nd, 1989, 10:25 AM, Matou Residence Courtyard.
As I wandered out the front door and down the terrace stairs, burly men carried cardboard boxes and plastic containers through the courtyard and up to the front door. Imai stood just by the door and directed the movers to a room they could take the boxes to, occasionally sending a worried expression over to Hinode and Byakuya.
Hinode had arrived in casual dress, and her long hair was in a ponytail tied off with her usual white ribbon, showing off a length that her braid usually concealed. She was carrying a cardboard box under one arm as she engaged in what appeared to be an awkward staring competition with Byakuya.
When I reached them, Hinode's mood softened a little. "Good morning, Shinji-kun," she said, leaning into a friendlier posture and donning a smile.
"Uh… good morning, Hinode-san," I said.
Her smile dropped into a squint. "You're using those nerve circuits right now, aren't you?"
"Uh… yeah," I said. "I'm feeding the worms."
"Are you going to be okay?" she asked.
"I'll be fine. But…" I started, motioning to the moving truck. "What's going on?"
"Yes. What is this, Hinode?" my father added cooly.
"Huh? Of all people, wouldn't you know why I'm here?" Hinode said.
"If it wasn't clear already, I don't like you very much," Byakuya said. "Why would I even want you here?"
"Well, this is… gonna be awkward for you. Zouken really didn't tell you anything?" Hinode said, glancing around. "Where is that old bagworm anyway?"
"He tries to avoid going out in the daylight," Byakuya explained.
"Oh?" she said. "Taking the worm theme pretty seriously, then?"
"You have no idea," I said quickly.
Hinode sighed. "Well, I thought that you two would already know, but apparently the old guy thought it would make a nice surprise."
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't delay this 'surprise' any longer," Byakuya said, not masking any of his discomfort. "Also, how do you know about Shinji's worms?"
"Well then, I guess I'll tell you what happened," Hinode said as she stood up and stared him in the face. "About a week ago, Bagworm-san showed up at my place in the middle of the night and threatened me into having your baby."
… What?
"Wh-What?" Byakuya echoed my thoughts.
"And Shinji told me about the worms about a month ago. I've been giving him blood."
"Wait. Wait," Byakuya said, performing exaggerated hand gestures. "What did you just say?"
"You heard me. Zouken said that Shinji-kun has some circuit issues, so he showed up at my place a few days ago and said he'd kill me if I didn't move in to 'provide the spare'," she explained.
Byakuya remained quiet, and his gaze wandered along the ground as he struggled with the new information.
I didn't blame him. I was at a bit of a loss too.
I understood why Zouken came to this decision, too. If I would prove unable to get my situation under control and survive having the crest worms lay their eggs in me— or even if I did, and I still couldn't use magecraft— then he'd need another way to continue the Matou bloodline. So he'd prepared a way to replace me.
In the end, I shouldn't have been surprised. That was how it played out last time.
"So, Shinji-kun, this is where you live? It's nice," Hinode said, eyeing the mansion's exterior. "Front garden could use some work, though. Those trees looks a bit unhealthy."
"… Why did you accept this, Hinode-san?" I asked.
"Didn't I say Bagworm-san was threatening me?" she explained, letting a smirk form on her lips. "I'm sure it can't be that bad. You live here, after all."
"I… appreciate that. But couldn't you have left Fuyuki instead?" I asked. "Actually, didn't you have an arrangement with Tohsaka?"
Her smirk faded, and her posture slumped as she sighed in frustration. "Please don't ask about that."
"Uh… sure?"
"Thank you," she said, reaffirming her grip on the box under her arm and glancing at the front door. "Anyway, I'm going inside. And if I don't like the interior, the first thing I'm going to do is move some things around."
That seemed to snap Byakuya back into the conversation. "Wait. No. I'm not okay with that," he said.
"Huh?" Hinode blinked. "What do you mean? Can't I?"
Byakuya frowned. "You think you can just come into my home and do what you like?"
"Despite how much I don't want to be here, I have no choice. I'm not gonna do whatever that bagworm wants without at least getting comfortable first," Hinode huffed. "Besides, it's my home too now, and I want the furnishings to be up to acceptable standards."
"That doesn't mean you have free rein here. I don't mind if you want to see to the layout of your own room, but leave the shared living space as it is."
"My own room?"
"I don't think I need to share a room with you outside of this… responsibility. You can have one of the guest rooms."
"I'm fine with that. I'm not exactly eager to live with you either," Hinode growled. "But if you ever get around to fucking me, at least let me do some redecorating."
"Don't talk like that in front of Shinji."
"Oh, shut up. He doesn't mind."
Hinode apparently decided that she'd had enough and stormed off for the door, leaving Byakuya fuming.
"… Why did he think this was a good idea?" Byakuya grumbled before following her. "Come on, Shinji. Inside."
He must be pretty angry, I thought before I let out the breath I'd been holding and followed Byakuya back towards the front door.
A little sibling. I didn't like the way that sat in my head. Not to mention how this made Hinode my eventual stepmother.
It was my fault; the butterfly effect was in full force. If I hadn't revealed Hinode to Zouken that day at the nursery school, then she would have been revelling in her anonymity and enjoying her humble work at the nursery school until life pulled her onto whatever path she'd been on in the old causality.
Now she was bound to this house. This place. With Zouken.
… This was why I wanted to undo the paradox.
'Einzbern, where are you?' I said, sending the question into an unresponsive void.
Just inside, Byakuya and I found Hinode already discussing something with Zouken in the entrance hall.
"So if they find out I'm here, they'll cause trouble for you and Tohsaka," Hinode said, apparently finishing an explanation of some kind.
"This is the matter you thought I should be worried about?" Zouken scoffed. "I don't find the idea of an eastern magi family without their heir or their philosophy key to be even slightly threatening."
"You'd be a fool to underestimate them," Hinode said.
"Hmph," the elder huffed. "If it will make you drop the issue, know that if they dare to interfere with the Matou, then they won't live to regret it."
And then Zouken disappeared down the hall, concluding whatever it was they were talking about.
Hinode shot a glare at Byakuya. "Show me to my room," she demanded.
October 9th, 1989, 9:12 PM, Matou Residence.
Laid on my bed on a temperate evening, I was bothered and irritated, unable to sleep.
The past week had been… something else, and we'd settled into a quiet and awkward routine. Hinode would come down from her room in the morning while Byakuya and I were mid-breakfast. Byakuya wouldn't have set out a place for her. Then as the woman quietly went about making coffee and her own meal, my father would finish his meal and take me to the room we'd tried to make the mana potion in for another attempt. Naturally, all of our attempts had the same flaw as the first one. Most of Hinode and Byakuya's encounters throughout the day followed a repeating pattern of acknowledged ignorance.
And they weren't sleeping together yet, as far as I was aware.
Hinode had been watching us occasionally, though.
I'd made another effort to find Einzbern yesterday, and it had been just as unproductive as before. I'd started to think that I should just accept that she was gone. That my moment of weakness was enough for her grip on existence to falter.
Three years into this madness and I'd lost the only person I probably could have trusted unconditionally.
Tomorrow, I'd be going back to nursery school. Apparently, Hinode would be taking me there instead of Byakuya, as Zouken had found something for my father to do. I did wonder what the elder had planned, but I should probably be happy that I didn't have to run his errands myself.
But none of that was what was truly bothering me right now.
'In… insss… inside… inside… you,' one of the worms forced out. The others simply kept eating.
"I'm aware that you are inside me," I whispered back.
'Name?'
"I don't have one for you yet," I said.
I had put some thought into it, though. My first idea had been to follow my father's example and name them after some group of four from Japanese history. My memory of it wasn't the best, and I couldn't really recall any particular groups that stood out other than the four heavenly kings. And those were Buddhist gods. More Indian than Japanese.
I could tell them apart by their words, and I had temporary identifiers for them; numbers one through four.
The worms shifted around. I could associate the action with impatience or displeasure.
Theirs and mine. "Stop that," I complained.
The worms writhed again, and I felt them tugging on my muscles. My arm began to twitch. "Stop that," I repeated.
'Whuh… where. Where?' Number One said.
"… Where is what?"
'Th… Th… That. Them?'
Other than the worm speaking to me, the rest continued to guzzle down on the magical energy I was forced to provide to them.
"Are you looking for something?" I asked.
'No,' Number Two said decisively. 'You.'
"… Me?"
'Yes,' it said.
Trying to understand these things was like talking to infants. "I see."
'See?' Number Four chimed in.
"Ngh… aren't you four tired?" I tried. If I talked them into going to sleep, I might finally be able to do the same.
'No,' Number Two said.
I flinched and groaned as one of them bit something sensitive in my arm.
'Don't!' Number Four cried out as it arrived at that same spot and started pushing the other around. I rolled onto my other side in my discomfort.
"What are you doing? I'm trying to sleep," I said, no longer caring to whisper.
'Dont! Don't!' Number Four continued.
I groaned in pain, clutching at the sharp stabbing sensations.
'Eat!' Number Three said.
'Don't!' Number Four carried on.
Of all the things it could have been, they were arguing?
I threw the sheet and blanket off of myself and almost leapt onto the floor before I plucked a piece of ginseng from the bedside table. I wolfed the thing down and made a start for the door. I needed to get Byakuya's help.
'Eat!'
Another sharp pain. This time in my leg. I was brought down to my knees.
'No.'
'Don't!'
'Eat! Eat!'
"Stop it!" I almost yelled.
'No.'
'Don't! Don't!'
'Stop… need… names…'
'Eat and names!'
I struggled to stand up. The worms were ignoring me. Muttering and bellowing like a bunch of chaotic children.
'Eat! Eat!'
… Children, huh?
A risky idea came to me as I stopped before the doorway. I'd been comparing the crest worms to children rather frequently, and I wondered how deep that comparison might go. Unruly children learn to behave when they don't get what they want, right? Would that even work with these things? I didn't even know if they would even bother communicating with me about it.
I sighed.
It was worth a try.
I stopped converting od and let my circuits stay empty.
'No!'
'Eat? Eat?!'
'Stop eat!'
'Names…?'
"Listen. You four need to stop this bickering. I don't know what your arguing about but—"
'Eat! Eat! Eat!'
"No. No eati—"
'EAT!'
Another spike of agony flared up in my shoulder.
'Food.'
'Stop! Don't!'
'Food… or… names.'
'No. Food.'
'Eat! Eat!'
'Don't! Don't!'
It seemed that they were divided on whether or not they should be eating right now. Two and Three were demanding to be fed, and One and Four were trying to stop the other pair from eating me alive. All of them were hurting me in the process.
This was getting out of hand. I needed to get to my father quickly.
I started collecting magical energy in my nerves again. The worms could sense it and stopped their dispute momentarily.
"… You want it that badly?" I taunted.
'Eat! Eat!'
'Stop! Stop!'
"You really want it?"
'Not… now.'
'Give food. Or be food.'
'Eat! Eat! Eat!'
I took a deep breath. "Then choke on it!" I howled.
I smashed the wooden flooring with both fists, and I let all the magical energy I'd stored in my nerves burst through my circuits all at once as fast as I could force it. Absolutely nothing happened to the floor, but my hands went numb briefly before they started to ache. They would probably bruise.
"What do you think of that?!" I bellowed.
No response… and they weren't eating. The worms had gone quiet.
"Hello…?" I whispered.
I sat still, waiting for some kind of sensation to fill me in on whatever was going on with the worms. I found myself wondering if maybe I'd inadvertently done something to them.
… I'd hit them with the magical energy?
Another few moments in the silence passed, and I considered the possibility the worms had been knocked out cold. "Is that… something I can do?" I muttered.
Without any sign of activity from the worms, I let out a sigh of relief and slumped onto the floor. I started to feel slightly better after staying there for a minute, as the energy in the ginseng I'd eaten earlier was being absorbed by my body.
Before this, I'd planned to simply let the worms gorge themselves and make a dash for my father's room for help, but this was a much better outcome. I still needed to go get help and had no idea how long the worms would sleep, but I could take a breather for now. The worms had nearly drained me dry again, and I felt lightheaded, like the night I last saw Einzbern.
… I still wanted to go back to the old causality.
Einzbern had said that I might have survived that accident in the library. There was a lot of blood, but I don't think either of us saw the actual wound. And the way I'd thundered down the hallway could have woken Sakura, too, so she could have found me in the library. I imagined the worry she would have fallen into when she'd seen my body, but that girl was level-headed; she would have dealt with the worst of it using magecraft and called for an ambulance. I would have been alright.
And then, when I'd recovered, she might have doted on me a little.
The thought got a weak snort and a thin smile out of me for a moment. Sakura hadn't done that since I was recovering from the war.
I still didn't know why Einzbern hadn't wanted to stay in the paradox. Once we were back in the old causality, I could've told Tohsaka about her. Knowing her, she would've jumped at the opportunity to find out what had happened and found some brilliant way to give Einzbern a new body. And even if she wasn't interested, I could've appealed to Emiya; he might have been able to talk her into it. That way, I could have left the paradox and all the problems that came with it behind.
It was just a daydream now. I'd gone about everything the wrong way from the start.
Why had I been such an idiot? I just had to try fixing my stupid circuit problem. I had to stick my nose into magecraft, hurt Kane, endanger Hinode, and sabotage my relationship with Einzbern.
I couldn't even talk to the ghost anymore. She was gone, and I wouldn't see her until the paradox version of her showed up in Fuyuki— if I even lived that long. And she probably wouldn't even know who I am.
I should've let everything play out mostly the same. I should've never bothered with Zouken, and instead waited for the right time to make small changes instead of barreling into the disaster I'd found myself in. Later on, I could've kept my friendship with Emiya, left Tohsaka alone, and been kinder to Sakura instead of… whatever I was trying to be last time.
That would have been better for everyone.
… But it wouldn't matter. This was just the war all over again; there was never any way I could have made any significant difference.
And Zouken would still have killed Mother.
It all came back to that.
I didn't even know why I cared. I'd never spared Mother a thought in the old causality unless it was in scorn. I didn't even know why it hurt so fucking much to think back to that day. What was it about seeing her for just one week that made me want to see Zouken put in his place? What was this throbbing? Why did it just get heavier and heavier? Why did it hurt more than the damned worms? Why did it make me cry like this?
I watched a tear fall on the floor and stifled a whimper. What was I even supposed to do at this point? As soon as June comes, I'm going to be eaten alive, and no spell would save me. It might take years to make a functioning mana potion, Byakuya's own efforts had been a dead-end, and Zouken wouldn't spare me of his own accord— he was already trying to replace me with a new sibling, just as he had last time.
And they would suffer in my place.
What if they have the same problem as me? What if this damned flaw I have comes from Byakuya? Would Hinode be thrown to the worms, leaving this new child without a mother? Byakuya might go back to drinking. He'd abandon the greenhouse again. How soon until Zouken took his memories of Hinode?
There was a wet patch forming on the floor beneath my face.
"… I want to go back," I mumbled.
The paradox was hell. A reminder of how pathetic I was. No second chance could redeem a scumbag like me, so why should I even bother with one? I had lived an entire lifetime already— cut short as it was.
Twenty-seven years. Thirty if I counted the paradox— or would that be thirty-one? Pretty young for one of the best surgeons Japan has ever seen.
I was really good at that. Maybe I was worth something, after all.
…
Huh.
…
Oh.
…
Ahah…
Ha… ha…
Haha… hahaha—
"Ahahahaha!"
As I laughed, I sat cross-legged on the floor so I could support my quivering head with my arms.
Why did I ever go to all this effort to find some arcane solution to this nonsense? All this time I spent wondering, pondering, or debating with myself, and pouring my effort into those stupid books in the library— all that time wasted!
Once they go in, they can't come out, I thought, recalling the bullshit Zouken had managed to feed me with the worms.
There's one of the hideous things sitting in the terrarium just on the other side of the room. It didn't even take any magecraft. It went into my stomach by mistake, so I vomited it out. How much more mundane could it possibly get?
And, honestly, looking back on it made my entire revelation kind of obvious. I wasn't a magus, and I didn't think I had to become one either. My circuits weren't even worth the trouble.
To hell with magecraft— I gave up on that bullshit years ago!
I felt some kind of grin tear its way over my face. Like a ravine opening in a quake.
I'm a fucking surgeon.
October 9th, 1989, 9:49 PM, Matou Residence.
Byakuya left Shinji's bedroom after helping sort out his od once again. His son nearly had another episode like the one a fortnight ago. And Byakuya had not missed the damp floor and the swollen eyes. He hadn't been able to stop himself from falling into worry. But despite the near disaster, Shinji had seemed somewhat content.
Byakuya didn't know what to think of that.
He stopped in front of his bedroom when he spotted Hinode approaching him from down the hall.
Her long hair was tied in a casual ponytail, and she was wearing her blue pyjamas. "How is he?" she asked.
Byakuya kept his tone level. "His od went fairly low. He should be fine for the night," he said as he stepped through his bedroom door.
He had almost closed it behind him when Hinode caught the door on the other side and pushed it back open.
"It's been a week, Byakuya," she said. "We're going to make Zouken angry unless we get this over with."
Byakuya smothered his annoyance with stoicism.
"Why don't you tell me what's holding you back?" Hinode asked, entering the room. "Then we can both deal with it and then do what I came here to do."
Unable to restrain it anymore, the man groaned.
Hinode frowned. "What? Am I not pretty enough to spark the engine?"
"That's not the issue."
"So you do think I'm attractive?" Hinode prodded with a grin.
"As I said; not the issue," Byakuya said bitterly.
"You still think I'm responsible for Shinji's nightmares, then?"
"… No," he said hesitantly.
"Oh, come on," Hinode breathed out. "If I was, would Zouken have brought me here like this?"
"Of course not," Byakuya said. "That's not it either."
Hinode gave him an expectant look and waited for him to elaborate, but Byakuya simply stood there silently, glancing at the open door.
"Alright, fine," Hinode sighed. "How did that play out, anyway? The nightmares, that is."
"He hasn't complained about those in a while," Byakuya said. "Whatever was causing them is probably gone now."
Hinode nodded. "That's good."
Byakuya mirrored the gesture, but he didn't say anything in response. Hinode repeated her expectant stare, and Byakuya rubbed the top of his head to avoid eye contact.
Hinode closed the door and started unbuttoning her pyjamas.
"H-Hey," Byakuya started, lifting a hand. "You don't have to—"
She stopped fiddling with her clothing and glared at him. "Yes, I do have to do this. We both have to do this."
"I-I was going to say you don't have to force it."
Hinode stopped what she was doing and sighed. "Alright. Listen. I know I've been really stand-offish with you, but I don't actually hate you. I mean— I did. At first it was just because of your association with Zouken, and then I thought you were responsible for Shinji's situation. But now I know that you just don't have any influence around here. Or any inkling of how to help your son, and— hey… don't look at me like that."
Byakuya didn't do anything about the dejected visage.
"It's just that… I'd assumed that you were like other magi and had done it to him intentionally. Most are so quick to hurt their heirs on a whim that they forget that they're tormenting the very people meant to take up their mantle eventually. They force their will upon them and don't even understand how damaging that is," she said, sighing again. "No wonder magecraft is a dying art."
"… You remind me of my younger brother. Saying things like that."
"Oh? You have a brother?"
"Mmm. Kariya left us because he didn't like the way our craft works. I haven't spoken to him since then," Byakuya said, lowering his head. "I know now that he was right."
"Sounds like he ditched this place for the same reason I escaped my own clan."
"You… haven't really brought that up with me yet."
"Huh…? Oh, right. Zouken doesn't tell you anything. Situation is nearly the same; older members of the clan enforcing horrid family practices on the newer generations."
"Something as bad as the crest worms?"
"Uh… debatable. The Hinode clan heads, after producing an acceptable heir, would dismantle their spouses and other children before turning them into mystic codes."
Byakuya had to take a deep breath.
Hinode did the same.
"Did you lose anyone?" Byakuya asked.
"… My mother and my brother."
"I'm sorry."
"Thank you," Hinode said. "Speaking of mothers, what happened to Shinji's?"
Byakuya's breath caught in his throat. He didn't make an effort to respond, and instead, he walked away from Hinode to sit on his mattress.
"Um… I can sort of guess, and I know it might be insensitive of me," Hinode said. "But considering the position I've been forced into, I'd like to know."
"… Me too."
Hinode blinked. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know anything about her."
"Figures. Zouken probably… wait," Hinode put her hands on her hips and frowned. " 'Anything'?"
"… One day, Zouken did something to me," Byakuya swallowed. "The next moment, I…"
Hinode remained quiet as Byakuya rubbed his eyes in discomfort.
"But I know she existed; Shinji is proof of that. And I know I… felt something for her," Byakuya continued. "Zouken's ability is overwhelming, and I'm a terrible magus. But, despite that, somewhere, in the deepest part of my memories, is… a faint smile."
"… You protected something," Hinode said.
"I'd been helping Shinji learn about magical circuits, and I learned something about resisting magecraft during that. When I was taking Shinji to nursery school the day after, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about him. Or about the memory I had," Byakuya explained. "I think you were there. When I spoke to Himuro-san."
"Himuro…? Huh. I do remember something like that. You were a mess."
"Watching Shinji and the Himuro girl, with that image at the back of my mind," Byakuya let a weak smile onto his face. "It made me happy. So happy I cried without realising it."
He paused to reminisce for a moment.
Hinode didn't interrupt.
"After that I started trying to find and preserve things that might be related to Shinji's mother," Byakuya continued before he huffed in amusement. "The furniture layout, for example."
"Ah, right. Yeah, don't worry about it," Hinode smirked. "If she had a hand in any of that, then she had good taste. The fengshui is pretty strong in some rooms."
Byakuya's smile widened a little. "Thank you," he said before he closed his eyes and fell into his thoughts again.
He sat there quietly for a moment, internally fawning over his treasured memory and trying to quell the chaotic worry he had for Shinji.
The sound of breathing and a sight shift in the mattress beneath him pulled his attention outward, and he discovered that Hinode had approached him. She was leaning forward with her arms pressed onto the bedding and her face close to his.
Byakuya became mildly flustered and slowly backed away over the mattress, but Hinode crawled after him. He could escape no further when he reached the bedhead, where she caught him by putting her arms around his shoulders.
Byakuya cleared his throat. "You're a bit close," he whispered.
Hinode chuckled. "Aren't we going to make love?"
"I-I said that we don't have to force that."
"I never got your reason."
"Reason…?"
"For ignoring me all week."
Byakuya refused to make eye contact. "… What if the same happens to you?"
"The same…? You mean what happened to Shinji's mother?" Hinode cocked her head and grinned. "Aww… you do care!"
"Well, I can't exactly justify disliking you anymore."
"In that case…" Hinode hummed thoughtfully. "I think you're reliable. I can trust you to look after our child if anything happens to me."
"Even though I'm probably the worst magus in Japan?"
"Well… yeah. But that's likely just because you're a good person in the first place," Hinode said with a nod. "But I have a decent pedigree anyway, so our child will probably be good enough to meet his standards."
"What if… they have the same issue Shinji does?" Byakuya lowered his head. "… What if I'm the source of the problem?"
"Then there's nothing we can do about it, and I might as well spend the rest of my days having fun before Zouken kills me out of spite. Come on, let's get on with it."
"Hinode I—"
"No," Hinode interrupted. "We're lovers now. You call me Wakumi."
"That's not—!"
"That's not negotiable."
"… W-Wakumi I—"
"So you agree, then. We're lovers!"
"Y-You—!"
Wakumi stole a kiss.
It was brief and lasted no more than a second, and Byakuya was suspended in quiet surprise when she pulled away.
"… I'm going to take off my clothes," Wakumi said.
Byakuya slowly nodded as he stared at her, and she let him go to step off the mattress.
A few steps away, Wakumi turned back to face him. Her brown eyes met Byakuya's dull blue ones, and she started undressing.
Wakumi's hands moved delicately over her shirt's buttonholes. More and more of her skin became visible as each button fell away from its opposite. When her shirt finally fell to the floor, she blushed at Byakuya's red-faced stare. Wakumi's trousers quickly joined her top, and Byakuya adjusted his own clothes as she approached the bedside.
Wakumi lifted her arms behind her head and removed her ribbon, letting her black tresses fall around her as she dropped the small strip of fabric where her pyjamas lay. As it fell, she crept slowly onto the mattress— over the sheets— onto Byakuya. She put her arms around him as she had before, and she moved forward to straddle him. Once her body was completely pressed against his, she kissed him again. It was deeper. And much less brief.
She pulled away— only slightly— and whispered to him, "… Go on. Touch me."
Byakuya's hesitation died at the invitation, and he lifted his hands to meet met the bare skin at her waist. Wakumi pushed herself forward at the contact and claimed his lips once more.
And as he began to explore her body, she rolled her hips against his.
October 9th, 1989, 11:45 PM, Shinji's bedroom.
'Less eat.'
'Food. Less.'
'Shinji… important.'
'Be good! Good!'
Finally done debating with Shinji's worms, Zouken sighed.
The familiars he'd spent so much time breeding were unbelievably different when he wasn't their guiding will. He would admit it was humbling to be shown that there was so much to the phantasmal creatures he commanded that even he didn't understand.
Shinji had been sleeping rather restlessly when Zouken entered the room, and the cause was a heated argument happening within his body; the worms using their crude speech and mild violence to get their way. Their new alignment with Shinji had made forcing his will upon them impossible, but within this proximity, the elder had been able to engage the creatures in a dialogue.
How demeaning…
Two of the worms were as gluttonous as he'd expected them to be and were the primary culprits behind Shinji's odic depletion. The other pair already had a rudimentary understanding of the situation, but they were reckless. And despite their intentions had only exacerbated the problems that the other two caused.
Thankfully, they had not been sceptical of him and were attentive enough to understand Zouken's explanation. Shinji would not be in such grave danger for the time being as long as the creatures didn't forget what they'd been told. Zouken had found no choice but to see to it, as Byakuya had purchased a staggering amount of blood to deal with the boy's treacherous circumstances. It was justified, as most of it had already been used. But the Matou fortune was finite.
In addition to that, the worms had only made all of the boy's prior efforts to address his natural issues null. It had been the elder's mistake, and he didn't intend to let that slide. But this would be all the assistance Zouken gave the boy. The deadline he'd given Shinji was June, and he would not allow the worms to betray that and kill him sooner.
He watched Shinji as his rest became less troubled and recalled the boy's behaviour before Byakuya had dealt with him just hours ago.
"I want to go back," was what the boy had said as he wept.
Zouken mulled the words over. Obviously, Shinji wanted to take back his decision to accept the worms. It was an understandable desire, and Zouken wouldn't mock the boy for it. This entire situation was just one painful setback.
That expression of his he wore before Byakuya found him was unusual, though. Perhaps he'd reached a conclusion of sorts? There was also that discharge of magical energy that had struck the crest worms unconscious. Everyone in the building had felt that little outburst.
Even Byakuya.
Zouken sighed in bafflement at the thought.
The boy's mana control was truly astounding to be capable of something to that degree. And to even consider trying it in the first place meant the boy's reasoning ability was exceptional. Zouken was looking forward to seeing how Shinji would manage to survive. And even if he proved incapable of fulfilling the responsibilities of an heir, he might be valuable in other ways.
For now, though, Shinji had earned his rest. Zouken left the bedroom.
Only to groan in annoyance as he entered the hallway.
He knew he'd asked for this. And it was about time.
But did she really need to wail like that?
A/N
Hi there—!
*GUNSHOT*
Okay! Okay!
I know I'm not obligated to keep to any kind of publishing schedule, but I feel bad for all of you that had to wait so long for this. I've been pretty busy, so it only makes sense.
It's ready, though. And it's closer to the length that I think I'm going to try and stick to in the future.
I hope you like it, and I hope I'm able to reacquire some of the pace I lost last year with the housesitting.
… Bloody dogs.
…
So…
Were there any typos?
Any complaints?
Did I mangle the Russian?
Were you surprised that Illya disappeared? Where do you think she went?
Did you like the greenhouse scene? Got any favourite plants you'd like to see in there at some point?
Ever had switchel? What's it like?
CAN WORMS SING?!
Did anyone actually suspect that Shinji would ditch the magecraft approach and consider a mundane solution to the crest worms? I thought people would pick up on that misdirection of mine a little more easily after I made it clear that Shinji was a surgeon in the old causality multiple times, so I'd like to know if I surprised you.
… And did Hinode get you excited? Don't lie. It's my first try at writing something provocative. Let me know how I did.
Also, before I get into the Review Responses, I should tell you that I want to address reviews in proper replies instead so people aren't waiting SO DAMNED LONG for a response. If any questions come up frequently enough, I'll put up an F.A.Q. in future chapters.
And I know that this makes it difficult to respond to guest reviewers.
If you disagree with any of this and want me to keep doing the Review Responses section, or have any alternative solutions, please reach out to me.
Review Responses:
Today Parade:
I love it too.
RayDjok:
Thank you! That actually means a lot to me. I appreciate it.
WildlyLaughing:
Gotta put the romantic subplot in there somewhere. And I can say that it's definitely not Illya that is affecting the worms.
Again, I hope you didn't mind waiting so long for this chapter.
sakii137:
Have you been visiting lots still? Sorry for the wait. Really.
Fun fact; this was at one point in my drafting going to be a Re:Zero-like story, with Shinji dying a lot and solving problems much like Subaru does. I eventually decided it would be a bit above my skill level, so Shinji only gets ONE second chance.
In Shinji's perspective, at least, Imai is not implied to be a yandere, but a pedophile. If you think I botched this somehow I'd like to know.
I don't think it's weird for Shinji to assume the worms have animalistic intelligence at that point— they ARE animals, after all. He was, however, wrong. Hence, Zouken's communicating with them.
As for the worms breaking away from Zouken… That'd be spoilers.
Who said Hinode and Byakuya would have a daughter?
And as consolation for your patience, I'll tell you that… Yes. Illya had been perusing Shinji's memories. Didn't do her any good though.
I hope I don't keep you waiting as long next time!
Blue Hacker:
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Hunger Man:
Stories that follow the plot of the original work despite their supposed changes are pretty common, yeah. TVTropes calls this particular phenomenon "Stations of the Canon", and it's a relative of "In Spite of a Nail". I tend to think that it reflects the fact that a lot of FanFiction writers are, quite simply, not very creative. Or are children.
It seems that you hate those particular tropes as much as I despise "Meaningless Meaningful Words" (Lots of this in Parcasious' works). Of course, tropes are tools. And stories using these tropes CAN be good (Like the parts of Parcasious' works where he's not using Meaningless Meaningful Words).
giorno:
(1st Review)
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I like your idea, but I won't use it because I already have plans. Thank you, anyway.
(2nd Review)
I tried to read it, but it's written in Russian and FFN's translation isn't exactly… comprehensible.
As for incorporating mathematical elements into magecraft; scientific principles (such as mathematics and physics) are often described as being incompatible with magecraft. So I don't think it's possible outside of specific applications like Kabbalah, which uses mathematical ciphers based on the Bible.
Of course, I can't actually read Reversal Time, so I don't know how Altanzar handled it.
GhostK:
Sorry about THIS wait.
The Chapter Eight Hinode scene is more accurate to her character now, but I didn't change much of the dialogue— just her body language and the like.
Feel free to ask questions, even if you think they lead to spoilers. I probably still won't tell you anything, but I like the attention.
I think Byakuya's handling it rather well by the sounds of it!
Slavicadonis:
Oh, god, the last one only took two months? Wow, I've been SWAMPED.
Shinji's efforts will definitely alter things with Sakura, it is inevitable at this point.
BlueCore:
I'm really glad people like my writing. Thank you so much for taking the time to review. It means more than you think.
Guest:
Shinji's regrets are a core facet of the narrative. They're one of his main vices AND motivators other than his desire for vengeance. So if they are resolved, I'm going to make it a BIG DEAL.
We're in Arc 1. Fate Zero events will show up in Arc 3.
… I think by "Zouken's wife" you mean Justeaze Lizrich von Einzbern. He didn't marry her though.
TheBluMonki:
Yeah, Shinji isn't who most people would choose as their main character and primary narrator.
As for Sakura's involvement, it's probably going to only be touched upon around the time Tokiomi is canonically dealing with the situation. So we have a quite few chapters to get through before she gets any plot relevance.
That's all the Reviews!
Here's to the possibility of me having more time to write, and the patience to regrow my good habits.
Peace!
- GEOD
Edit 1: Post Chapter Twelve Grammar Update.
Edit 2: Very minor adjustments to the greenhouse's description.
Edit 3: Jan 2023 update. I discovered some new Nasuverse lore regarding eastern magecraft that was released back in August, and I've updated anything related to it here to reflect that. I updated some scenes to suit a map of the Matou manor that I drew recently. I also tweaked the lime a little bit.