A/N: ***Trigger warning: this chapter contains self harm and attempted suicide.***
Chapter 17
Emma screamed. She screamed so loud her voice shook the walls. She thrashed around in bed, scattering Regina's ashes until they stuck to her body, sticking to the blood that flowed down her face, staining the sheets underneath her. Every ounce of her body felt like it was on fire as the reality of the situation finally hit.
Regina was dead.
Regina was gone.
And Emma was all alone in the world again, this time with an eternity ahead of her.
She didn't know what to do with herself. She didn't know how to function without Regina. She didn't know how to live without her.
At some point the sun came up, causing Emma to move for the first time since Regina died, just enough to close the curtains before she returned to weeping uncontrollably. She didn't care when her body began to feel sick from the sun. She continued to cry, screaming so loud she was sure people in town could hear her.
Eventually, she passed out from exhaustion before she felt the effects of the sun, her body no longer having the energy to cry. She woke up the following night to the sound of wolves barking outside and scratching against the front door. She knew immediately that their Wolf friends were outside, and they were there because they heard her cries. At first she ignored the sound, hoping they would eventually leave her alone, but after fifteen minutes they still didn't falter, their barks growing louder with each passing minute. Emma reluctantly rolled out of bed, intent on screaming at her visitors to leave her alone. But the moment she opened the door, she rushed over to the barking Wolves, falling to her knees in front of them.
"She's gone," she cried, her tears falling to the ground, mixing with the dirt, creating a bloody mud under her knees. Omega was by her side immediately, resting her head on Emma's back. Emma wrapped her arms around the White Wolf's body, holding her friend as she continued to weep, staining her white fur with her blood tears. Alpha and Beta disappeared, leaving Omega to comfort Emma as she continued to cry.
"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live without her," Emma sobbed, her body shaking against Omega's. Omega cried with sympathy, letting Emma know she understood her pain.
A few minutes later, Alpha and Beta returned, each carrying a small dead animal in their teeth, offering their kill to Emma, knowing she probably has not eaten.
"It's okay, you keep them tonight." Emma attempted to wipe away her tears, smearing her face with her dark red streaks. Alpha inched the rabbit closer to Emma once again. "It's for you," Emma insisted, causing Alpha to growl. "Okay, okay." Emma pulled herself away from Omega to grab the animal.
She decided not to drain the blood into a bowel like they usually did, since she wouldn't be sharing the blood with Regina. Instead, she bit the animal, draining it's small body quickly, offering the carcass back to Alpha to eat. She did the same for the squirrel that Beta offered, handing the carcass back to the Red Wolf. She watched as Alpha ripped the rabbit in half, offering the larger piece to Omega, before eating her piece. Watching Alpha and Omega interact caused an overwhelming sense of grief to overcome her once more, forcing her to collapse onto the ground, her tears forming a pool of blood under her head. The three Wolves cuddled up next to her, forming a circle around her as she continued to weep uncontrollably. Emma laid on the cold ground for the rest of the night, curled up on her side with her knees pressed against her chest, surrounded by her Wolf friends, until her body informed her that sunrise was approaching.
"You guys need to get going. It's almost sunrise," Emma said, slowly pulling herself off the hard ground. The Wolves hesitated, following her to the door of the cabin. "I'll be alright. I'm going to go to bed."
The three Wolves looked at each other, silently communicating. When they were done, Beta nuzzled Emma's leg to say goodbye and ran into the forest, back the way they had come. Alpha and Omega stood in front of Emma, motioning for her to walk inside.
"You don't have to stay with me," Emma said, encouraging the Wolves to go home, but they didn't budge. She sighed, opening the front door, leaving it open for Alpha and Omega to follow her inside. "Stay as long as you like." Emma said as she locked the door behind them. "I have to stay in bed and away from the sunlight during the day, so your identity will remain a secret. When you leave in the morning, just make sure the door closes behind you." She pulled blankets out of the chest in the corner, spreading them out onto the floor for the Wolves to lay on.
Alpha shook her head, indicating they will not be leaving after they shift back.
"Don't you have to go to work in the morning?" Emma asked.
They both shook their heads.
"Thank you. I really don't want to be alone right now," she whispered, moving toward the bed. "You're welcome to anything in the house. I don't have Human food, but there's clothes in the dresser and spare blankets in the chest. Help yourself. I'll see you after sunset. I'll make sure you've shifted back before I come back out." Emma moved toward the bed. "Good night," she said before climbing into bed and securing the blackout curtains.
Once Emma was settled in bed, the ashes of Regina's body still clinging to the sheets, she listened to the sound of the Wolves settling down on the floor beside her bed, knowing they were going to shift back to their Human forms in a few minutes. She started to doze off slightly, until hushed voices woke her up again, one voice telling the other to move to the couch across the room so they didn't have to lay on the floor any longer. She heard the women move to the couch, settling in together, before she fell asleep again, muffling the sounds of her cries so as not to wake her guests.
She fell into a dreamless sleep until the soft tap against the door woke her up again. She listened as the front door opened and a third person walked in. She assumed that was Beta in her Human form.
"How is she?" the new voice asked.
"Sleeping," one of the voices responded.
"Thanks for the food," the third voice said, in a hushed tone. "We're going to stay here with her today. We want to be here when she wakes up."
"Understandable," the voice that most likely belonged to Beta responded. "I'll meet you guys back here tomorrow night." Beta slipped out of the cabin, leaving the small room in silence once again. Emma drifted off to sleep once more, the smell of food filling the room.
When she woke up again, the sun had already set. She called out to her visitors, to make sure they had already shifted before she stuck her head out, to protect the identity of her Wolf friends. She received a soft yip indicating that they were Wolves once again, allowing her to crawl out of bed. She opened the door, letting the Wolves out if they wanted, only to have them sit where they were, determined to stay with Emma as long as they could.
"Let's go sit outside and wait for Beta," Emma suggested, following the Wolves outside. Sure enough, Beta showed up a few minutes later, and the four of them sat together under the light of the full moon. The Wolves took turns running off to hunt, each sharing their kills with Emma, making sure she ate.
They stayed with her the entire night, just sitting with her while she continued to weep uncontrollably. By the time sunrise was approaching, she sent the Wolves home, assuring them that she would be fine during the day, but asked them to come back the following night, the last night of Wolf's Time, to keep her company one more time.
The Wolves nodded and took off into the forest, leaving Emma alone for the first time since right after Regina died. She climbed into bed once again, burying her face in Regina's pillow, the scent of her still clinging to the fabric. She fought sleep as long as she could, eventually succumbing to exhaustion.
The Wolves returned the following night, already carrying prey, offering it to Emma to eat. Emma tried to smile as she thanked them, taking the animals and draining them quickly. They sat together for the rest of the night, Emma telling the Wolves the story of how she and Regina met, how they broke up, and eventually how they got back together, including the circumstances surrounding her own turning.
When sunrise started to approach, Omega started to whine, worried about Emma during the coming weeks before the next Wolf's Time. Emma could tell she was contemplating revealing her Human identity, to make sure she was alright.
"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. Live your lives. I'll see you next Wolf's Time. It's not worth revealing your identity," Emma said, trying to smile at her friends. Omega nodded, slowly joining the other Wolves before the three of them took off into the forest, making their way back home before sunrise.
The first month without Regina was the hardest month of her life. Emma struggled every moment of every night, most nights she didn't even get out of bed. She just laid there, clutching Regina's pillow, desperately clinging to what little scent was left on the fabric. She went nights without eating, which just made her weaker, forcing her to stay in bed longer. By the time the next full moon came around, it had been over a week since she had last eaten.
She heard the Wolves barking outside when she woke up, and that was the only thing motivating her to get out of bed. She made her way outside to greet her friends, her shirt stained beyond repair from her blood tears. Omega whined when she saw her friend, clearly even more worried about her well being than before. The three immediately dropped their prey in front of Emma, Alpha and Beta running back into the forest to hunt again, returning a half an hour later with more animals for Emma to drain. Omega sat close to Emma the rest of the night, allowing Emma to rest her head on Omega's back, enjoying the support she found in the White Wolf. They stayed with her once again for the remainder of the night, and although Alpha and Omega clearly wanted to stay the day with her again, Emma insisted they go about their lives, but still asked them to come back the following night to keep her company. Emma went to bed feeling full for the first time in a week, but not any less sad.
The Wolves returned the following two nights, spending the entire night with Emma, bringing her animals to drain, making sure she ate and kept her company while they could. But even the full moon had to come to an end, and the Wolves returned to their regular lives until the next lunar cycle. Emma tried so hard to keep going during the rest of the month, but being without Regina was too hard, and it wasn't getting any easier. In fact, with each passing night, it grew harder and harder to simply exist without Regina by her side.
One night, roughly six weeks after Regina died in her arms, Emma found herself on the roof of their cabin for the first time since Cassidy attacked them. The night was clear and she took the opportunity to spend time under the stars. As she laid on her back, staring up at the twinkling lights in the sky, her mind raced with memories of her short time spent with Regina, causing a pain so deep in her chest she struggled to breathe.
Emma couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't live without Regina.
She laid on her back and looked up at the stars, tears of blood streaming down the side of her head as she positioned the wooden stake against her chest.
"I'm coming, my love…" she whispered, plunging the stake deep into her chest.
But nothing happened, except causing her even more pain in her chest.
She sighed, disappointed that, as a former vampire hunter, she missed her heart. She quickly repositioned and plunged the stake deep into her chest again, once again missing her heart. She cursed under breath as she proceeded to stab herself five times in a row, missing her heart over and over again. Anger rose within her as she sat up, placing her hand over the already healing wounds on her chest, pinpointing the exact position she needed. Placing the stake directly over her own heart, she pressed the wooden stake deep into her chest. This time, she knew for certain she had hit her heart as she felt the wood pierce the strong muscle.
And yet, still nothing happened.
She screamed and threw the stake off the roof, angry that she couldn't even kill herself properly.
A week later, Emma retrieved the boxes she had ordered online from the local post office where they currently held a P.O. Box and brought them home, stacking them in the bathroom. She took a knife and cut open the boxes, pulling out the gallon jugs of water, cracking open the plastic bottles and poured the contents into the antique bathtub she had shared so many baths with Regina, being careful not to spill a single drop.
Once all the boxes were empty and the water from each jug was poured out into the tub, Emma removed all her clothes. She took a deep breath before stepping into the tub, her skin burning instantly when it made contact with the holy water. She started screaming as she quickly lowered herself into the consecrated water, submerging her head below the surface, so her entire body was consumed by the water. She screamed under the water as her skin burned, turning the water slightly red as every pore on her skin began to bleed. The water began to sizzle as it continued to burn her, her skin slowly disintegrating, leaving some of her muscles exposed to the toxic water. After a few minutes, she passed out from the excruciating pain, relieved that this was finally the end.
Suddenly, her body shot up out of the water, her nerves no longer registering the pain and her body stopped burning, as if the water suddenly changed from holy water to regular water. She started cupping the red tinted water into her hands when she saw her skin beginning to heal, covering her exposed muscle with a fresh layer of pale skin. She began gulping the holy water, hoping to burn herself from the inside out. But only ended up throwing the water back up, her Vampiric digestive system unable to digest regular water.
Emma screamed at another failed suicide attempt, punching the wall next to the tub, leaving a large hole in its wake.
The following week brought the full moon, which meant another visit from her Wolf friends. She sprang out of bed at sunset and eagerly awaited their arrival outside. They arrived about an hour after sunset with prey in their mouths, each offering the animals to Emma. Omega gave her a funny look the moment the White Wolf saw her, confused by Emma's sudden change of attitude. She lied, telling them that she was doing alright, and feeling better after Regina's passing, and that she was even starting to move on. Just saying those words, even though she knew it was a lie, hurt more than the holy water did.
Before they left at the end of the night, Emma handed them each a tote bag filled with homemade muffins.
"I wanted to thank you guys for everything you've done for me in the last two months. Well, in the entire time that we've known you, really, but especially the last two months. I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for the three of you taking care of me. I don't know what you like to eat as Humans, but I figured everyone likes muffins." Emma chuckled, making sure each Wolf had their bag firmly clamped between their teeth. "Will you guys come back tomorrow?" Emma asked.
Each Wolf nodded their heads slightly, careful to avoid dropping the muffins, before turning around and making their way back into the forest. Omega stopped to nuzzle Emma goodbye one more time before following behind the other two.
Emma watched as the Wolves made their way through the forest before going around back and pulling the old ladder up against the house. She climbed up to the roof, laying the same blanket they had used to protect them against the roof and laid down, staring up at the fading stars.
She watched as the sky slowly brightened with the rising sun, fighting against every instinct to rush inside as she stayed rooted on the roof of the cabin, watching the sunrise for the first time since she became a Vampire.
Suddenly, a stray ray of light escaped through the leaves of the trees and touched her skin, causing it to sizzle immediately, creating small billows of smoke. Emma resisted the urge to scream in pain as more sunlight touched her skin with each passing second.
"Regina…" she whispered through gritted teeth. "I'm coming this time, my love."
The prolonged exposure to sunlight caused her skin to suddenly burst into flames, the fire spreading across her skin instantly. Within a few moments, her entire body was on fire, her clothes disintegrating as the smell of burning flesh and hair attacked her nose. It was the last thing she smelled before the fire destroyed her senses as the blaze quickly spread to the roof below her. She finally allowed herself to scream in pain, her voice disrupting the quiet stillness of the early morning, until the fire eventually destroyed her vocal chords, silencing her.
It didn't take long before the fire spread, quickly engulfing the entire roof in flames, but Emma's body kept holding on, remaining conscious even though the pain was beyond excruciating. The fire spread down the walls from the roof, and within minutes, the entire cabin was engulfed in flames, the fire quickly spreading to the room below, burning every last piece of evidence of Regina Mills' life.
Emma's body suddenly fell to the ground as the roof caved in, burying her in flames and debris as the fire consumed the entire cabin. By the time anyone in town realized the cabin was on fire, it was too late to save the structure, or anyone who resided inside.
The fire department arrived eventually, but by the time they put out the fire, the entire building was destroyed, leaving nothing but a few planks of wood and a massive pile of ash. The fire attracted quite a crowd though, whispers of a rumor that a Vampire couple had been living there, both presumed dead in the blaze.
Among the crowd was the mayor and the sheriff of Storybrooke, each eating what looked like a homemade chocolate chip muffin, as they watched the cabin burn to the ground.
Emma woke up at sunset, something heavy laying across her chest, pinning her to the ground and causing her to struggle to breathe. Everything smelled like burning wood, and she could hear the soft crackle of the still burning embers trapped under her charred body. She shifted slightly, wiggling out from under the beam that was laying on her chest, eventually standing and crawling out of the rubble that used to be Regina's cabin.
Their home.
She carefully climbed over all that remained of the cabin, her bare feet eventually standing on the soft ground. Her clothes had long since burned away, leaving her standing naked under the full moon, her skin completely burned. Pieces of charred and damaged skin began to flake off to reveal fresh pink skin underneath, indicating Emma's body had already begun to heal itself after the fire.
"I can't even kill myself correctly," Emma said out loud, a stray tear falling down her cheek, smearing the ash with her blood.
She sat on the ground, picking stray pieces of charred flesh off her arm when she heard the familiar sound of paws. She looked over just in time to see her friends emerging from the forest, each carrying something in their mouths. Omega took the lead, stepping closer to Emma, nudging her affectionately, smearing her white fur black from the ash and soot that flaked off Emma's skin.
"Wait, why did you come back here? Didn't you hear about the fire?" Emma asked.
Omega nodded.
"Then why did you come back? Didn't you think I was dead?" Emma asked.
Omega shook her head.
"You knew I was still alive?" Emma asked, confused.
Omega nodded again.
"How? How did you know I was still alive? I didn't think I would survive the fire," Emma said. Omega turned around and carefully pulled an envelope out of the pocket of a backpack Alpha was carrying with her teeth, carefully presenting it to Emma. She opened the envelope slowly, smearing the white envelope with ash as she carefully pulled out the letter inside.
The perfectly scripted handwriting of the letter reminded her of Regina's neat handwriting, causing another stray tear to fall down her cheek.
Emma,
I know you must be confused as to how we knew you were still alive. Omega and I were here when the fire department extinguished the flames of the cabin. Through the rubble, I could see the outline of your body, laying trapped beneath the beams. I knew instantly that you were still alive, given your body had not turned to ash as Vampires do upon death.
Omega, Beta, and I worked together during the day to procure as many supplies as we could, knowing that if you survived the day, you would likely want to leave and would need supplies to survive. In the backpack, we packed clothes and personal hygiene products, as well as a tote bag full of blood from the local butcher. We also found you a blackout blanket, in case you need to protect yourself from the sun in your future travels, as well as a new cell phone, since yours was likely destroyed in the fire. We will continue to pay for the service on it until you get yourself settled and established again.
There is a hunting cabin a few hours away from here. It's outside the Storybrooke town limits, and enters the remotest parts of the state of Maine. No one other than us knows it's there. You are welcome to stay there as long as you need.
We can not express how sad we are for your loss. You and Regina had become good friends of ours in the short time we spent together. Please know, if you ever need anything, no matter how big or small, we are always here for you. We have included an envelope inside the backpack that contains our personal information, including our names, phone numbers, and email addresses. Our doors are always open for you now, and in the future.
Please take care of yourself, and know we will always be here for you.
Your Friends,
Alpha, Omega, and Beta
"I don't know what to say…" Emma said after she read their letter, tears rushing down her still charred skin. "Thank you. Thank you so much."
She received yips from all three, as if they were saying your welcome.
Emma picked up the bags they had brought her, carefully putting the backpack on her damaged skin, and started walking in the direction of the new cabin, only to find her friends following her.
They walk with her for a few hours, leading her to a small creek. Emma used the opportunity to wash most of the damaged skin and soot off her body, revealing her healed pink skin underneath, before dressing in some of the clothes the wolves had packed for her.
"This is as far as you guys can go, isn't it?" Emma asked, realizing if the Wolves left now, they would just barely make it back before sunrise.
The Wolves nodded sadly, knowing this would be the last time they would see their friend.
"I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. If I can ever repay you, please let me know. I owe you so much!"
Alpha pawed her arm slightly, as if to indicate there was no need to repay them.
"Goodbye, my friends. I will be in touch when I can. I promise," Emma said, crouching down and giving them each a hug before sending them back home.
She watched as the Wolves walked away, waiting until she could no longer see them to continue her journey to her new home.
She walked for another hour until she saw the small cabin in the distance. She approached it quietly, in case the Wolves were wrong and there was someone living in there. She carefully stepped into the cabin to find the place long since abandoned.
The cabin was small. Much smaller than the one she lived in with Regina. There was a small bed and a wood burning stove at the foot, clearly meant to help keep the bed warm in the winter. There was a chest and a small dresser, which Emma was relieved to find was filled with clothes. In another corner was an array of hunting equipment, including a bow with several quivers filled with arrows, as well as a shotgun and a selection of knives of all shapes and sizes. At least she had everything she needed to hunt while she was living there.
She tossed her bags into the corner and sat down on the bed, testing out the mattress before deciding she would get used to the lumpy bed over time. A few minutes later, she made her way to the wall of knives, inspecting them to see if they were sharp. She jumped slightly when one of the knives burned her skin when she touched it. The blade was made out of silver.
She pulled the knife off the wall and used her thumb to test how sharp it was, finding the blade sliced into her finger like warm butter. A moment later, the blood stopped flowing, but a tiny line still remained, even after the wound healed. That was when Emma discovered that silver could leave marks on Vampire flesh.
Before she realized what she was doing, she was sitting on her new bed, pressing the blade of the knife deep into the flesh of her left forearm, watching the blood ooze out of the new wound. She continued until the letter "R" was left on her arm in blood. Wiping the blood away, she saw the mark that remained. A moment later, she looked down and saw that she had carved "Regina" into her forearm. Seeing her Mate's name carved into her skin made her feel a little better for some reason, as if Regina was somehow there with her.
She stared at the name on her arm until she eventually fell asleep as the sun started to rise outside.