Making Amends
A/N: This is an AU direction of 'The Limey,' 4x20. I basically rewrote the bottom quarter of the episode. :) Hope you enjoy!
—-
When Kate walked into the break room, she found Castle steaming milk for a latte. It was such a familiar sight, given the unfamiliar waters between them that she'd been so used to treading lately. It almost made her ache, the simplicity and normalcy of finding him here like this. But things were not normal. He was not acting normal.
"Castle, you can't just share confidential police information with an outsider," she found herself chastising. It was one of many things on her mind that she wanted to scold him about.
"Even if it solves the case? I mean, she gave us a lead. That's more than you got at the consulate." Kate didn't miss the undercurrent of accusation beneath his tone.
"And that's supposed to make this all okay?"
"Jacinda just wanted to help. What's the big deal?"
Kate bristled. "You don't get it, do you?"
"No, I guess I don't." He didn't sound like he cared to, either, and that struck a chord deep in Kate's chest.
And before Kate could get another thought out, Ryan interrupted. "Hey, we found something you're gonna wanna see."
The detective in Kate was ready to rally, to see what Ryan was talking about so they could move forward with this case.
But the woman…
She took one long look at Castle, and decided they weren't done here. She was sick of getting interrupted while trying to have this conversation, and she wasn't sure she could keep doing this – putting her own desperation aside, trying in vain to figure out just what in the hell was going on between them. It was tearing her apart, watching their relationship crumble and not knowing what she did to make the dominos start falling like this.
Ryan could wait. Five minutes wouldn't make or break this case.
They needed to talk.
Castle started to move, but Kate grabbed his sleeve. She said, "We'll be there in a minute, Ryan."
Ryan gaped at her a moment, but at her insistence, he finally nodded and left the room, leaving them alone once more.
Castle turned to stare at Kate through slitted eyes. "Since when do you not come when you're called?" His tone was snarky, but he wasn't wrong. She always put the case first. But his tone snagged in her mind like a thorn on silk, making her stop and demand his attention to the elephant in the room.
"Castle, what is the matter with you?"
He set down his mug, jaw slackening. "Excuse me?"
Kate pursed her lips. "You've been… different, lately."
"Me?"
"Yes. You."
Castle scoffed. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Now it was Kate's turn to scoff. "Yes, you do! I don't know what's going on, but you've been so… distant. And disengaged. And – since when do you bring bimbos to crime scenes?"
"Jacinda is not a bimbo!"
"No, she's just a stranger! What were you thinkin', Castle?"
Their voices were rising with each sentence. Kate needed to regain control of the situation, and fast. This was going nowhere.
"Look – I just want to know what I did, okay?"
Castle took a long, thoughtful sip of his latte, staring hard at her. When he put it back down, he said, voice low, "What you did?"
"Yes. Clearly I must have done something to make you mad at me!" Kate threw her hands in the air in frustration.
Castle glared at her, the only reassurance Kate needed that she was indeed right. That regardless of the words that came out of his mouth, she had definitely done something to upset him. It was the only explanation, and he was doing nothing to convince her that she was wrong. Every instinct in her body told her that his body language was trying to tell her something, she just didn't know what.
"What do you think you did, Kate? You're so convinced you messed up somehow. So maybe think about it. What do you think it is?"
His blatant, unbidden anger caught Kate off guard. Her breath caught in her throat, and it was then and only then that she realized how deep this feeling ran in him. How serious this was.
How potentially irreparable this might be.
She was at a loss. "I don't know, Castle. Why else would I be asking you?"
His jaw worked side to side, and he leaned with one hand on the countertop. He looked like he was testing the words in his mouth, perhaps debating whether or not he would finally just tell her and end her misery.
But he didn't. He said nothing.
So Kate closed her eyes and sighed, rubbing her hands frustratedly over her face. "Whatever it was, I'm sorry. Okay? I just… I miss you. I miss us. So, I'm sorry, for whatever it is I said or did that offended you so much." She lowered her hands and looked at him. His face had softened. "After this case, can we just… can we please talk?"
She saw Ryan hovering outside the break room door. They needed to go. But she wasn't going to move until Castle answered her.
After several long, anxious seconds, Castle nodded. "Sure. Fine."
It was good enough for now.
Kate sighed, and flashed him a contrite smile. "Thank you."
Then, she moved around him, heading to where Ryan anxiously awaited their attention. Castle followed closely behind.
—-
Kate was surprised when Colin Hunt asked her out for a drink, after the case. But perhaps she shouldn't have been. She's single, he's single… they'd had a reasonably good time together, working on this case. But she wasn't interested (though she should have been).
She looked over at Castle, who was speaking on the phone to someone, casually leaning up against the wall. Her heart thudded, taking in how handsome he looked like that. She so rarely saw him in red.
She made sure to let Colin down gently. He smiled at her, taking it in stride. She didn't need to say the words for him to understand. Her heart was taken already.
When he left, Kate turned around to find Castle already approaching her.
"Where's Scotland Yard off to?" Castle asked, tucking his phone away in his pocket.
"He's going back to London. Um… look, do you have a second to talk? Now that the case is done…"
Castle shook his head. "Actually, Jacinda has the ferrari double parked in a loading zone."
Kate blinked. "Well, can she… move it? You said –"
"I know what I said. But we don't have to talk right now, do we?"
Kate gaped at him. She felt a tension in her chest snapping like a rubber band. She half wondered if her heart was actually breaking. "But –"
Castle's face morphed, from something that was smug and uncaring to something more akin to regret. Whatever facade or bravado he was trying to maintain in her presence, he was failing at keeping it up.
"Look, let me just bring her home, okay? Then we can meet up later. Does that work?"
Kate nervously twisted her fingers together down near her waist. "I… Yeah. Sure."
"I'll text you," Castle assured, and turned to head toward the elevators.
Her stomach was somersaulting, but there was nothing she could do about it. Before she knew it, the elevator doors were closing, taking Castle with them.
—-
It was after nine when Castle finally texted Kate that he was home, and that she could 'come over if she wanted to.' She'd just finished her notes on the case and had just placed everything on Gates's desk when she heard the familiar ding.
It was irritating, a little bit, that he expected her to go to him. But she'd been the one who'd insisted on talking tonight, and he'd been the one to cancel his plans to accommodate that request. So, she tried to push her indignation down and just be thankful he'd agreed to talk candidly. Finally.
Her stomach was a bucket of nerves when she finally pulled up to his apartment. Her legs felt like jello as she rode the elevator up to his floor, and her fingers were a little tingly when she knocked lightly against his door.
He was opening it for her in a flash, smiling politely with a hand towel draped over one shoulder. "Just in time," he announced, and moved to let her inside. He sounded almost normal, it was like he'd thrown cold water in her face.
"Uhhh, in time for what?" she asked, and stepped inside. She closed the door behind her and hung up her jacket.
"I just finished making dinner," he said, and waved one hand in a flourish toward the stove. "Chicken enchiladas and homemade guacamole." Kate's stomach grumbled, in sync with the shocked dip of her jaw.
"Oh wow. Castle… that sounds amazing."
"Help yourself," he said, and pointed toward the cabinet with the plates. "I'd planned on cooking for Jacinda and I, but…"
And there it was. The punch in the gut she should have anticipated.
Kate frowned. She didn't know what to say to that. And now, she wasn't sure she wanted any after all.
When she didn't move to get a plate, Castle made one for her and thrust it her way. "Sit. Eat."
She stared at it, and hunger won out in the end. It smelled incredible.
She sat at one of the barstools and he sat a tall glass of water beside her plate. He stood across from her, plate in front of him, and apparently decided to eat standing up.
"You don't want to sit?" she asked curiously.
He shook his head. "I'm good here."
Kate frowned, but tucked into her plate. They ate in relative silence, except for the odd comment here and there about the case. It felt like small talk, and small talk always made Kate's skin crawl.
"Thank you, for dinner," she said finally. She was almost done eating, and it had been exceptional. He didn't cook for her often, but when he did, he never did disappoint.
"Sure thing," he responded, and dropped his empty plate in the sink.
Kate finished eating while Castle took care of the leftovers. "Look, I didn't plan on interrupting your date," she said, and took her last bite. He took her plate before she'd even put her fork back down.
"It's fine," he replied, but it sounded tight and not actually fine at all.
"You like her, then?" Kate asked, and regretted it the second it left her mouth. She wasn't actually sure she wanted to know.
"I do," he said, but the lack of eye contact told her something else was being unsaid, too.
Kate wasn't sure where to go from here. She wanted to confront him, but she'd already done that in the break room and he hadn't budged. She'd thought long and hard about every interaction they'd had in the last few weeks, trying to trace the exact moment things had seemed off to her. But she'd come up empty. Sometimes he was fine, and sometimes he wasn't. She had no idea when they'd crossed this line into "fighting" territory.
"So," Castle announced, leaning on two hands flat on the countertop in front of her. "You wanted to talk."
She did. But the words wouldn't come. "You know what about." She leveled her gaze at him, challenging. She wasn't here to play games. She'd asked her question, and he'd avoided it. Maybe now he'd finally be honest.
Silence stretched between them. He blew out a breath, and stared right back. Just when she thought he was going to stand his ground and not say a single word, he finally caved. And his words broke her heart.
"You lied to me."
She thought back, confused for a moment. She thought about every case, every interaction they'd had. Their conversations about Alexis, about their friends. About movies, and memories from their childhoods, and sports. She couldn't think of a single instance in which she'd uttered anything that was untrue to him.
The only thing she'd ever lied to him about was –
Her stomach flipped inside out, threatening to spill her dinner. Her eyes, which had wandered down to the countertop in confusion as she'd been thinking, snapped back up to meet his.
Oh no.
Oh no oh no oh no.
"Castle…"
Castle nodded once, curtly, and then moved around the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner.
"Still wanna talk, Kate? Or are we finished?"
Oh no.
"Please just let me explain…"
He shrugged. "I don't think there is anything to explain. Why do you think I've moved on with Jacinda? Clearly, nothing was going to happen between us." He shoved a few dishes into the dishwasher, their clattering echoing around the kitchen. "You did me a favor."
Kate ran her trembling fingers through her hair. "That's not –"
"No, I get it. Really. You don't have to explain." He turned and directed his hard gaze at her. "But hey, now you know."
She almost wished she didn't.
"Castle, I told you before…" She opened her mouth and closed it again, trying to find the words. She tried not to let tears build in her eyes. "I've spent the last several months working on myself. Trying to… let all of this go. I mean, God, you saw what that sniper case did to me!" She took three steadying breaths before continuing. "I was a wreck after my shooting."
"I know. I was there." Castle's hard voice didn't waver. "And I would have been there through more of it, if you would've let me."
Kate closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. I told you I was sorry for not calling."
"No, it's fine. You didn't want me there."
She looked at him, and could finally see pain peeking through the storm clouds in his eyes. "That's not it, I –" She looked around his kitchen, feeling bewildered and overwhelmed and frustrated with how this conversation was going. This wasn't at all what she'd envisioned.
She tried again. "Castle. I told you before. I didn't call last summer because I was in a really awful place. I didn't want anyone to see me like that. But yes, okay, it… it had…" She licked her lips, having a hard time finally saying the words out loud. But they needed to be said. She owed him that. "It had a little bit to do with what you said."
He clenched his jaw, but said nothing. The pain was evident in his face now. He crossed his arms, staring at her.
"I was with Josh, and things were… confusing, for me. I just needed a little space to work through my feelings, and I thought… I thought it would be easier on you if you just… I didn't want to hurt you."
"But you did."
Kate leaned forward, leaning her head on her hands, elbows resting on the counter. "I know. But that wasn't my intention."
Seconds ticked passed, and Kate didn't know where to go from here. Trying to think of the more recent issue at hand, she finally said, "How did you know I lied?"
But as soon as she said the words, the memory hit her. She hadn't given that interrogation a second thought in weeks, but now she knew. It was the only answer.
"That kid…" Castle started to say, but Kate interrupted.
"From the bombing. The pickpocket."
Castle nodded, face grave.
God, she'd been so stupid. She hadn't even thought about the one-way mirror.
She couldn't sit down anymore. She stood, running her hands through her disheveled hair and pacing back and forth. "It's like I told you before, you remember? On the swings?" She faced him, but kept pacing. "I can't have what I want until I'm healed. I owe it to myself, to my mother, even, to recover fully from this experience, on my own, and put in the work to do that. I can't rely on someone else to just," she waved her hand, "swoop in and make it all better. I just can't. That's not me."
Castle moved around the kitchen island to her side, but stopped several feet away from her. For some reason, it felt like progress, that he didn't feel the need to keep a physical barrier between them anymore. "And here you are, all this time's passed. And what do you want, Kate? Hmm?" He took another step closer to her, and Kate's whole body tensed. "How long do you want people to wait around for you while you figure it out?"
People. Not him. But she understood his meaning all the same.
"I don't know, Rick." Even to her, her voice sounded desperate and frustrated. "I don't know whether I've reached the end of that journey or not. I don't know whether it's fair to drag someone into this mess that is my life. The man who shot me, he's still out there somewhere. And I'm still working through that." She put both hands over her heart. "I still face challenges, every single day."
"And I don't?" Castle scoffed. "You think it's been easy for me? To sit back and watch you fall apart, all alone, not being able to do anything about it? You think it's been easy to love you from afar, and not be able to act on it like I want to?" he shouted, and Kate flinched.
Love. That word again. The word that started them down this rabbit hole. The word that has caused her the greatest grief and the greatest joy.
"Castle…"
He held up a hand. "No, let me finish." He took another step closer, and it took all of Kate's willpower not to step back. "I've been there for you, through everything I could. I haven't been with anyone else, because I'd hoped…" He broke off, choking up, and the sound cut through Kate's chest like a knife. "I never planned on rushing you, or pressuring you, and so I kept my distance. But I thought you knew how I –"
"Rick…"
"No, Kate. Even if I'd never told you, I thought by my actions, and my words, and our entire relationship, you'd know how I feel about you." His sadness was like a dam breaking. She could see the fault lines of his pain etched on his face, and it took everything in Kate not to crumple to the floor and beg his forgiveness.
"And I thought, given what I'd said to you before on the swings, that you knew how I felt, too," she replied, voice soft and pleading. She stepped toward him. "I thought it was pretty evident that I just needed time. Not that I felt any differently than you did."
Castle slumped, all fight seemingly whooshing out of his body. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out.
"Because I do, Rick," she said again, barely above a whisper. "I do feel the same way you do." She shook her head and looked down at the floor in shame. "It's just taken me far too long to admit it."
She saw Castle's feet before she felt his arms wrapping around her. But when he held her, it triggered something deep and broken inside her, and she let out a strangled groan as she wrapped her arms around his middle. They held each other tightly for several long minutes, Castle occasionally petting the back of her head or placing a soft kiss on her hairline. She squeezed him so tightly, she wasn't sure how he could breathe. But he didn't complain.
"I'm sorry," she whispered against his shirt, and he clenched the ends of her hair in his hand.
"Me too, Kate."
After another minute, Kate pulled away. But she didn't let go. "I know what I want. But… I still feel like I need another few sessions with Dr. Burke before I'm able to commit to it. I won't blame you if that's too long to wait."
"Dr. Burke?"
She smiled sheepishly. "My therapist. I told you, I've been putting in the work."
Castle nodded slowly, understanding. "I've waited this long. What's another few weeks?" he smirked, and tossed a wink in her direction. He understood, and that was more than Kate could ever ask for.
Kate felt tears brimming her eyes, and she nodded. "And… we're okay?"
Castle nodded, and pressed an unabashed kiss to Kate's forehead. "We're okay."
Kate wrapped him up in one more hug before finally letting him go for good. Her body felt like it had just been jerked around by a rollercoaster and she wanted to go home. She had a lot to think about, and she suddenly couldn't wait for her appointment with Dr. Burke tomorrow. He was going to be shocked to learn that she'd finally confronted Castle. That she'd finally been honest with him about how she felt.
Castle walked her to the door and chivalrously helped her put on her jacket. He seemed lighter too, and Kate couldn't help but smile up at him.
He opened the door and she stepped through, pausing for a moment to turn toward him and ask, "Tomorrow?"
Castle grinned. It felt genuine, like they'd truly made amends. Kate's heart fluttered in response.
"Tomorrow."
