For a Father's Love

Song for this Chapter: I'm Getting Stoned by Eric Church

Chapter 1

This is nuts. You should just turn around and let things go.

That's what I've been thinking since I decided that I was going to follow through with my plans. Plans? Disaster? Catastrophe? Mess?

No! He needs to know. He deserves better than this. His need to completely understand everything outweighs my need to hide.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

Do you guys talk to yourself inside your own head? I do. All the time.

I joke that it's because I need an expert opinion.

The therapist I saw told me that the reason I talk to myself mentally is because I don't trust anyone to hear my thoughts out loud. I'm afraid that people could turn my own words against me. She also told me that I have trust & abandonment issues.

Yep, as you can guess, I never went back to therapy. Hell, I'd already figured all that out before I'd ever step foot in her $300/hour office. I figured I could just keep on diagnosing myself and save myself time and money.

I check my phone for the millionth time in the last hour. Yep, there it is.

Clearwater-Swan

Seth (20) and Leah Clearwater (23) of LaPush announce the engagement of their mother, Sue Clearwater (39), LPN at LaPush Medical, to Charles Swan (41) of Forks.

Charles Swan, father of Isabella Swan (23), Chief of Police in Forks, and Ms. Clearwater have set the date of the upcoming nuptials for May 24th, 2009.

The wedding will be held at Forks Methodist Church and officiated by Pastor Weber.

The happy couple is to honeymoon near Green Lake Park. They also plan to reside in LaPush after their return from their honeymoon.

Yeah, I haven't stopped reading those words since I saw them in all their glory on the local newspaper website. Though I know them by heart. I keep reading them over and over. Disbelief is a hard concept to accept.

The first time I saw them was the day that I made all of these last-minute plans.

I've known for a long time how my life would play out. There haven't been many changes in my plans since I completed them almost two years ago.

But after reading the announcement, I had to move my plans up.

But dammit, I wanted to do this on my terms, on my timeline. But no, Sue had to dig her claws much deeper into my dad than I'd ever thought she could.

Oh, the nerve of some people.

I've promised myself that I'd set all my wrongs right. That I would stop being so stupidly selfish and make sure that my dad would never be dragged into my pile of horseshit.

Now, I hope and pray that I'm not too late. I can right all my wrongs, so he won't have to be stuck with someone who will never truly love him.

I've also known since the last time I was in a shithole town that my life was never going to be my own ever again. That didn't mean that my life; My fucked up, mentally crazy, self-serving life. I had to tie the only person I still loved to mine, or at least I had hoped to.

Yeah, I know I'm confusing the hell out of you. Just imagine how fucked my own mind is right now.

Yeah, it's not a good place to be.

Okay, deep breathe in and out. Repeat. I huff out a breath. Go over my list of to-do's one more time.

-Send Charlie and Sue an engagement present. Done.

-Dress to kill. Done.

-Be almost 20 minutes late to a party I never agreed to attend. Done.

-Show off the new R8.

*Detailed. Done

*Have an outrageous security system I've put on. Done.

Now, I need to get out of this small used car and make sure I'm smiling like I want to be here.

No, I can't do this.

Damn it, Bella, this is NOT about you.

It's about your dad, for Christ's sake.

Opening the car door. I grab my small clutch and slowly make my way up the rock path of what used to be my home. I can hear the band playing. The people talking loudly to the others around them. I smell the food, knowing it will fill more than one table. The smoke is coming from a fire somewhere close by.

As I turn the corner, I lift my eyes from the rock-covered ground to see my dad standing in the middle of a group of people that I once thought of as my own family. His left arm was wrapped securely around Sue's waist.

I noticed his smile seemed so genuine; the tiny hairs around his ears were more white than I remembered, and slight dark circles were under his eyes.

I can do this!

Fake smile, my heels digging into the soft Forks ground, and a growing lump stuck in my throat.

I can do this for him.

I plaster what I hope is a genuine smile on my face.

I don't take my eyes off of my dad. Who cares if these people, who have surrounded him for more of his life than I have wanted him. I want him, too. He is mine. My father. Not theirs. Now, I just have to convince Charlie and me of these facts. Yeah, wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

"Hey, Dad, how are you?"

Thank you to Mama4dukes for being an amazing Beta for me... I love you sister!