Guilty
"How has it been going with you two?" Renee asked, sitting at the bar in Kat's with AJ after they got off from a shift.
"Not bad but… not great." AJ shrugged, "A lot of small talk." She nodded.
"It's not abnormal, you know. Couples go through rough spells all the time." Renee nodded.
"I know but… I don't wanna be those couples, and for so long we weren't." AJ said, "I know being on residency is a lot of hard work and…a lot of time and effort I need to put in for it but he knew all of that." She shook her head, placing her hand on her forehead.
Through the past week her relationship with Jason had been up and down. Fights were breaking out sometimes and other times they just weren't communicating like how they used to. And somehow she figured it was her fault, her fault for being so goal driven in her job.
"He does know all of that. You're right." Renee nodded, "So don't you dare feel guilty as if you've just sprung this on him. Cause that's not true." She said, "I know I said it's not such a bad thing if he wants to see more of you but he doesn't get to make you feel bad. That's not fair."
"He's not making me feel bad. I'm making myself feel bad. Telling myself it's my fault." AJ nodded, "We've just never had such a big bump on the road before. It's always been pretty smooth sailing for us." She said as Renee took a sip of her drink, "I mean we've not had sex in over a week now."
"Well maybe that's how you make up." Renee shrugged as AJ turned to her, "Just go put on a lingerie set and… go to town on him." She chuckled as AJ smiled.
"I don't think that solves much." AJ shook her head.
"That's what I'd do." Renee nodded.
"I know." AJ nodded, taking a sip of her water, "What if it happens to us?"
"What?" Renee turned to her.
"Well you hear about couples who date for years and years, and they're so happy. Then they get married and it goes to shit, and they're divorced within a year." AJ said, "What if that's us?"
"Look… you love him and he loves you so you guys will figure it out." Renee assured her.
"Yeah except I'm here at a bar with you and he's out working. We're not figuring much out." AJ said.
"Sometimes a little breather from each other is the best medicine." Renee said, "Seriously."
"I just can't have him mad at me because of my job. That's literally what my parents relationship was like and it was… the most toxic thing I've ever seen." AJ said, "Talk about two people who hated each other."
"You're not your parents. Don't worry." Renee nudged her as AJ smiled, "Shit." Renee whispered, looking on at the door where she saw Dean and the other firefighters coming through.
"What?" AJ turned around to look at what she was looking at, "Oh, it's your friend." AJ nudged Renee who turned back around.
"I slept with him again last night." Renee told her, "And the night before that."
"And yet you can't have a conversation with him or look at him walking in a bar?" AJ asked, looking over at the men, spotting Punk and turning back around.
"We just have really good sex and after it's like we just don't talk about anything." Renee said, "Not unless we're drunk."
"Maybe you should try hanging out when you're sober. Just a suggestion." AJ nodded.
"I don't think he's that kind of guy." Renee said, "He is really sweet, actually." She thought to herself as AJ looked at her, "Do you know they're brothers? That guy who you've treated?"
"Yeah, I know." AJ nodded, "You mean the guy who is disrespectful?" She questioned.
"Disrespectfully gorgeous." Renee nodded as AJ rolled her eyes, "Oh, come on. I know your ass is locked down but there's nothing wrong with looking."
"He's… fine." AJ said, "But I don't like his attitude. It's smug and it's sarcastic-"
"Sound familiar?" Renee looked at her.
"Oh, no. I have a beautiful soul. He does not." AJ said.
"Please, you don't know him." Renee said, "If you weren't engaged-"
"Please don't do that with me." AJ shook her head seriously, "I… I love Jason. I don't see other guys like that anymore." She lied, "Plus he is not my type in the slightest." She pointed behind her where the guys were sitting over at a table.
"Who's not your type?" Dean asked, standing behind them as AJ jumped.
"God." AJ rolled her eyes, "Mind your business." She scolded.
"Hey." Dean looked at Renee.
"Hi." Renee smiled at him.
"Do you… wanna come sit with us for a couple drinks?" Dean asked her as Renee looked up at him.
"Uh…" Renee turned to AJ who looked back at her.
"You go. I'll be fine." AJ shrugged.
"Oh, just come with me. I bet they have lots of fun fire fighter stories." Renee nodded to AJ eagerly.
"We do." Dean added in as AJ sighed, looking at Renee who was practically pleading with her. She knew her friend liked this man but didn't want to go it alone, so she did what she had to do for her friend.
"Oh, alright." AJ nodded, getting off her stool, taking her coat and her drink over to the table where the few other firefighters were sitting.
She took her seat at the table, looking over at Punk who had immediately locked eyes with her, smiling over to her politely which made her stomach dance. She'd be lying if she said she didn't feel something when he looked at her.
"They want cool fire fighter stories." Dean came back over to the table with drinks for everybody.
"Have any of you ever gotten burned? Like really burned?" Renee asked.
"No, if we did we wouldn't be doing our job right." Punk said, "We got special uniform that protects us. Special equipment. To get burned badly you'd have to not be wearing it and if you're not wearing it then you're too stupid to be a fire fighter." Punk shrugged.
"No burns just clumsy concussions?" AJ questioned with narrowed eyes as Dean gasped dramatically whilst some of the other guys chuckled.
"Ouch." Dean chuckled, taking a sip of his drink and looking over at Punk.
"It happens." Punk nodded, looking across at her as she looked back with a small smile. She could see he appreciated her comment, the fondness in his smile told her so.
They talked for hours in the bar. At first AJ felt odd about sitting with a group of men, but she realised the only person making it weird was her and that they were all in fact very friendly and respectful, and they made her laugh a whole lot. They had fascinating stories and equally were fascinated by her and Renee's stories from the hospital. There was a mutual understanding of work stress between them all and that was nice to have.
"He asked me if I want to go dancing." Renee whispered to AJ whilst standing up.
"What? You're leaving?" AJ panicked a little.
"We're going dancing." Renee nodded, tipsy and excited as AJ laughed a little, "It's closing time here anyway." She said as AJ nodded.
"I didn't think we'd stay this late." She shook her head, a little mad at herself.
"Stop, it was fun. You're allowed to make other friends, you know." Renee nodded to her.
"I know." AJ said, "I think I might ask Jason to come pick me up."
"Oh, I'll walk you home." Renee insisted.
"No, you're going dancing. It's fine." AJ smiled, standing up and getting her coat on, feeling someone brush by her behind, looking around and noticing Punk heading to the bathroom.
"Not to state the obvious… but he hasn't stopped looking at you all night." Renee nodded to AJ.
"Stop it." AJ said, "I'm still mad that he knows I have a fiancé and he's… acting like that-"
"You're just as bad." Renee chuckled, "I'm kidding, he's just friendly."
"You ready to go?" Dean asked Renee.
"Oh, I wanna walk AJ home." Renee insisted as Dean looked over.
"Sure." Dean nodded, watching as Punk emerged from the bathroom, "Oh, hey why doesn't Phil walk her home?" He said, "You're going left anyway, right?" He nodded to his brother.
"Uh… yeah." Punk nodded, looking to AJ.
"Ok." Dean said, "Let's go."
"I'll see you tomorrow." Renee smiled to Renee who just nodded, putting her coat on and grabbing her purse as Punk got his things from the table.
"She's like a twelve year old school girl." AJ shook her head as Punk smiled.
"I'll be honest, I ain't ever seen my brother like that before either." Punk laughed a little.
"Really?" AJ smiled.
"Really." Punk nodded, heading out of the bar with her, opening the door for her as she walked out first, "You live far?"
"A few blocks." AJ said, "You really don't have to walk me home. It's fine."
"I go this way anyway." Punk assured her as she just nodded, accepting he was a gentleman and probably would have walked her home anyway, regardless of where he lived. She liked that.
"You're probably wondering why I'm spending my night with a bunch of guys when I go on about being engaged all the time." AJ said, feeling like she needed to address it, more for herself than for him.
"I'm not really actually." Punk said, "It's… none of my business." He shrugged as AJ looked at him.
"I just came over because of Renee." AJ said as Punk nodded.
"Well then you're a good friend." Punk nodded.
"You have good friends too. Those stories were great." She smiled.
"And that's just a few of them." Punk nodded.
"You guys are like a big firefighting family, huh?" AJ nodded, not realising she was deliberately walking slowly to make the walk home last a little longer.
"Pretty much." Punk said, "How come your fiancé wasn't out with you tonight?" He asked. He knew sometimes he could be a little forward, but that was just who he was.
"He was working." AJ nodded briefly.
"You're not originally from around here, right? I mean I've only recently saw you at Kat's. Everyone knows everyone in there usually." He said.
"I just moved in with fiancé not too long ago." AJ nodded, "I was actually born in New Jersey and I moved to Chicago when I was thirteen." She said.
"So you're not a true Chicagoan?" Punk smiled.
"I'm afraid not." AJ shook her head, "My fiancé is, though. Born and raised around here. He's got a family business, buying and selling property, working in real estate, sales-"
"Sounds busy." Punk said.
"Well not as busy as me apparently." AJ shook her head as he looked at her.
"Trouble in paradise?" He asked.
"Why? Can you see an opportunity?" She turned to him as he laughed a little.
"Just asking." He assured her.
"Why would you do it?" AJ asked him, "Look at someone the way you've looked at me all night, when you know they're with someone else." She nodded.
"Cause maybe they just don't seem that happy." Punk shrugged as AJ laughed a little.
"You don't know me." AJ shook her head.
"I don't know, we're bumping into each other an awful lot these days. You're sending me and my mom for CT scans and stuff." He teased as she smiled a little, "I'd say we're getting familiar."
"Maybe." AJ nodded, "But it's disrespectful to do that to someone."
"I'm not doing anything." Punk chuckled a little, "If you feel I'm doing something, maybe that's more to do with you than it is to do with me."
"Oh so you're one of those… it's all in your head, kind of guys?" AJ asked, "Can't say I'm not surprised."
"You know you've been roasting me an awful lot tonight. In front of my friends too. I don't let just anyone do that." He said.
"Oh really?" AJ smiled, turning to him as he nodded. She quickly turned away, looking at the ground, feeling nauseous at what she felt she was doing, the way she was acting. She couldn't really control it. It was just happening. The flirting and teasing. She'd done it more with this man this night than she had with her fiancé their whole relationship. It was panicking her.
"My concussion is fine, by the way." He told her, "No vomiting and no headaches or dizzy spells."
"That's good." AJ nodded briefly, "How about your mom?"
"Yeah she's… hanging in there, I guess." Punk shrugged, "It's tough, watching her have no memory of all the fun we've had with her over the years. Some days we visit her and we're little boys in her mind, or sometimes we're not even memories at all." He said.
"It's gotta be one of the most heart-breaking diseases out there." AJ nodded.
"Yeah, I'd testify to that." Punk said.
"I can walk from here, my house is just down there." AJ pointed.
"Ok." Punk nodded.
"Thank you for walking with me." She looked up at him as he nodded.
"It was no problem." He said softly as she looked at him. Standing there he looked so kissable and she hated herself. She hated herself because this was never something she'd had to confront before. She scolded him for pursuing her but encouraged it, and somehow she believed he knew that. Otherwise the gentleman in him would have stopped.
"Goodnight." She whispered.
"Goodnight." He nodded to her, watching as she walked down the rest of the street and into the house. It was true. He couldn't keep his eyes off her all night.
AJ walked into the house, shutting the door over behind her quietly, hearing the TV on in the living room as she walked through, seeing Jason sitting on the sofa.
"You're late." Jason noticed.
"Yeah… me and Renee went to Kat's after work. She's… hung up on this guy who goes there so I was her wing man." She nodded. She didn't know why she felt incredibly guilty, because she really hadn't done anything wrong. It was her feelings that were making her feel guilty, and part of her felt like she needed to tell Jason that she'd sat talking to some guys for the night, even though she knew she didn't have to.
"Sounds like your nightmare scenario." Jason nodded, continuing to look at the TV.
Over the week, their relationship had been rocky, they hadn't been communicating much at all since their fight.
"We sat talking to the guys for a little while, they had some fun stories." AJ nodded as he looked at her, "And she went off dancing with one of them so… good for her." AJ said as Jason just nodded.
"Ok." Jason said, looking back to the TV as AJ nodded, leaving the living room and heading upstairs to go to bed.
